#the cool pony that i like a normal amount i am not obsessed about her

[katethesmolcat]

Its her, the 20% cooler pony.

i love she

[dontfindyourcenter]

Chapter 22:  I don’t know about you, but here’s chapter 22

Rules: https://dontfindyourcenter.tumblr.com/post/177027661290/rules

Previous chapter: https://dontfindyourcenter.tumblr.com/post/178360375750/chapter-21-trial-7-seven-trials-a-swimming-six

The moment I walk out of the trial room, Lillie runs up and heals my pokemon again.  Yay!  Then it’s up the stairs I go…

At the top of the stairs, Lillie says “I can feel the strong power of the moon”, like she’s an ocean all of a sudden.  Then we stand on two platforms and each blow our respective flutes.  I turned my volume up for this and it turns out we both manage to sing a passable harmony without any apparent rehearsal.  Honestly, it makes me feel like Tori and Lillie have been missing their true callings throughout this game - if they’d just spent this whole time honing their gifts as flute prodigies, they’d be famous by now.  In any case, playing the two flutes at the same time must level Nebby up a few times, because it’s a lunala now.  And just to ruin the anime’s assertion that all pokemon can only say their own names, it turns out that the cry of lunala sounds like “mahina-pea!”  I was never particularly fond of the pokemon-say-their-own-names thing, but I’ve got to say, I’m not quite sure why that’s less plausible than “mahina-pea!”  Anyway, I had my volume turned up and it sounded mostly like “eaaaaa” to me.

Nebby then picks up Lillie and I and brings us into Ultra Space, which as it turns out, looks like an abandoned aquarium.  “How surprising.  It’s more beautiful than I would have expected…” says Lillie.  Lils, you either had really low expectations or you inherited your mum’s rose-tinted glasses for anything with the word “ultra” in its name.  This place is just creepy.

We soon run into Guzma, who calls us stupid for following him and Lusamine.  Not an unfair assessment.  “It’s all dark here… I’ve got no clue what’s going on,” he says.  I didn’t know Ultra Space held screenings of Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice.  

No, it turns out Guzma tried to catch a Nihilego, one of the ultra beasts floating around the area, but he ended up with his mind and body possessed and found out what fear felt like.  Gee, I wonder if this is foreshadowing something?  Spoiler alert: yes.

Then Lillie and I run forward and see Lusamine.  Lillie gets in an absolute killer of a speech here, which I just had to google so I could transcribe it in full; “Children... Children are not just THINGS that belong to their parents! Pokémon are not just THINGS that a Trainer can do whatever they want to!  I am alive!  Cosmog is alive!  We are not things for you to collect!  We're not made for you to just discard when you get bored with us!  That is terrible, Mother! You are terrible!"  

It’s a really powerful, well-earned moment; everything in the stories of Lusamine, Gladion and Lillie has paved the way to this confrontation, from the references to the experiments that Aether Paradise performed on both Nebby and Type:Null, to the fact that Lillie kept talking about how her mother chose her outfits for her back when she was dressed suspiciously like a Nihilego.  The fact that this whole segment was excluded from Pokemon: Ultra Sun and Moon is part of the reason why I was so underwhelmed by those sequels.  As it stands, in those games, Lusamine just seems like she gets forgiven at the end without either of her children calling her out for ignoring them.  Also, in those games Lusamine’s obsessed with Necrozma instead, so is it just a complete cosmic coincidence that she still ends up dressing Lillie like a Nihilego?

Sorry, you don’t come here to hear me going on tangents about which aspects of these games do or don’t work for me.  As we’ve firmly established by now, you come here to see if my pokemon die and make me burst into tears.  You monster.  You terrible, terrible person.

Just like the first time Lusamine fought me, the first pokemon she sends out is a clefable, while mine is Digit Al the magnezone.  This time, though, the clefable is surrounded by an aura which boosts its special defence, thanks to Lusamine’s Ultra Beast-melding powers.  Luckily, it only takes a couple of Charge Beam attacks before Digit Al’s special attack is high enough again to do serious damage with his Flash Cannon move.  Soon, the clefable has been beaten, having taken away a shade under half of Al’s health.

Lusamine sends out her bewear next, and since Al’s speed actually decreased a little when he evolved into magnezone, I decide the safest bet is to switch pokemon.  Enter Wash the toucannon, who has to contend with a bewear whose defense stat has been raised one stage by the creepy Ultra Beast power.  I decide to use my favourite strategy with Wash, which is to use Beak Blast and assume that the opponent  will burn itself by using a move that makes contact.

That doesn’t happen, though; instead, I am the witness to the most elaborate example of self-sabotage I’ve seen in quite a while.  The bewear uses Pain Split, a move which takes the current health of the user and the target and splits it so that each pokemon ends up with the average amount of health.  Since neither pokemon has taken any damage yet, though, Wash’s health stays exactly the same, while the bewear’s health gets lowered by a pretty reasonable chunk, since bewears in general have quite a bit more health than toucannons do.  Then Wash’s Beak Blast attack hits, doing even more damage, and on the next turn he’s able to use Drill Peck to finish it off.  So that’s a whole member of Lusamine’s party beaten without Wash taking a single hit point of damage.  Unexpected, but I am not complaining.

Next up, Lusamine sends out her mismagius (which has its speed ultra-beast-boosted), while I switch out Mr Nancy.  The mismagius uses… Pain Split?  Again?  Okay!  This time it doesn’t even seem to do anything - I wouldn’t be surprised if mismagius and Mr Nancy started off with the exact same number of hit points, because neither health bar seems to be affected by the move at all.  Then again, I didn’t get that long to look at mismagius’s health bar before Mr Nancy used Crunch and took out more than half her health.

To Lusamine’s credit, it looks like she does use Pain Split at tactfully advantageous moments sometimes; that’s what she uses this move, too, doing quite a bit of damage to Nancy while bringing mismagius’s health back to the point where my second Crunch attack doesn’t quite kill her.  On the following turn, though, she gets cocky and uses it again, and while that does leave Mr Nancy with less than half of his health left, it doesn’t heal the mismagius quite enough to keep the next Crunch from killing it.  That’s three of Lusamine’s pokemon down.  Cool!

Lusamine’s penultimate pokemon is a special-attack-boosted lilligant, and since Wash did so well in his last match, I decide to send him out once again.  This match-up is the least challenging so far; the lilligant tries using leech seed, and when that misses, Wash’s Beak Blast attack knocks it out in one hit.  Last pokemon now!

And… surprisingly, Lusamine’s milotic is just as easy!  Hedwig beats it in one Leaf Blade attack after it basically wastes a move using safeguard.  Sorry, sadists - none of my team are dead!

Time for a long old cutscene, everyone!  Lillie calls on the legendary pokemon to save Lusamine when it looks like she’s having a bit of a wobble; Lusamine celebrates being back in her normal form by saying Lillie is becoming beautiful; then the whole of Ultra Space starts shaking.  Fun fact; after Guzma starts saying “What now? What’s going on?” while the space we’re in shakes rapidly, I got distracted by something on the TV, and when I looked back thirty minutes later everyone was still looking around in panic in the middle of an earthquake and Guzma was still saying “what now?  What’s going on?”  Guess no-one thought to actually do anything in that time.

Then a bunch of Nihilego turn up and Lillie says “there are so many Nihilego!!!”  She’s right!  Good thing Nebby the lunala turns up to take us away.  Hapu pops up in between the unconscious Lusamine and Lillie says “Hapu… Is my mother…?” while looking at the two of them.  Bit oedipal, Lil, but whatever floats your boat.

Then the lunala asks me to try and catch it.  Uh, that’s sweet, but there aren’t really any open slots on my team at the moment, pal.  Please don’t take it personally, I’ll always like you as a friend.  It’s not you, it’s me.  I hope you’ll understand.  

I do have to catch it to move forward in the game, though, so I get Loki to use Thunder Wave and Foul Play and then lob a ball at it.  Since there aren’t any dead characters from franchises I’m in the fandom of called “Nebby”, I decide to call it “Remus” (because his nickname is Moony, do you get it) and send it to the PC box.  I like to pretend that I’ve set it free.

“Nebby, you belong with Tori now,” says Lillie; “She will be the one to raise you.  Just like any parent should raise their child.”  Uh, about that…  

Seriously, she keeps saying stuff like that for a full couple of minutes of tearful dialogue.  “See the world… Have battles against strong Pokemon where you can use your full power...That’s the kind of world Tori can share with you!”  All while Moony/Nebby is sitting on an island in poke pelago.  Way to make me feel guilty, Lillie!  It’s not my fault I’ve gotten attached to the team I’ve already got.  Granted, it IS my fault that I’m playing a game where I’m never allowed to withdraw any pokemon from a PC, but that’s neither here nor there.

Then as Lillie rushes off to be with her mum, Nanu turns up at the top of the Altar of the Moone to tell me that the Pokemon League has been built now.  Yay!  He offers to take me along with him, but I say no; I’m pretty sure there’s a section of Vast Poni Canyon I forgot to explore the first time round, and I don’t want to go to Mount Lanakila without every item I can get my hands on.  

I’ll leave all that for another day, though.  I’m knackered after all that.  End of Chapter 22.

[swipestream]

My Little Pony: Beyond Good and Evil

This is a guest post written by Alex Stump:

My two little brothers have been watching My Little Pony for a long time now. I watched a couple episodes (and also the unholy spin-off series Equestria Girls) and I’ll be 100% honest…My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is a really good show. But don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not coming out as a Brony. I, as an 18-year-old man have better things to do then obsessing over a show made for seven year olds. Which really fascinates me, what is it about this kid’s series that attracts so many young adults? It’s a question that has been going around since the show premiered and the most widely accepted questions/theories I’ve seen are:

A) People like MLP for the same reason people like Star Trek or Firefly.

B) These people had terrible childhoods and they watch MLP to experience the childhood they never had.

C) These people had awesome childhoods and watch MLP because it gives them a sense of nostalgia.

And D) People watch MLP because they’re mentally handicapped.

These answers have some truth to them but I find them to be mostly flawed…So how about I give you my own answer to the question. Sure, everyone has his or her own reason for watching, but I think there’s a unifying reason why. You see I believe the reason why MLP is so popular and why it stands out in the entertainment industry is because the show has a “thing”.

What is this “thing” you ask? Well, this “thing” is very important to fiction. It goes all the way back to ancient times. It was prevalent in the 20th century but sadly is being abused and forgotten in the 21st century. Let me give you some examples:

(Example 1) The Adventures of Robin Hood is a 1938 film staring Errol Flynn and tells the tale of Robin Hood and his merry men. This movie has great action scenes,

good acting, amazing sets, and is quite possibly the happiest go lucky movie I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this film is so happy I dare you to watch it without smiling. Robin and his merry men are tons of fun to watch. They’re funny, smart and most of all virtuous. The women are great too, they’re modest, beautiful and don’t complain about the traditional family structure. Just about every character in the film has an enjoyable personality. We see medieval society portrayed in a mostly positive light, which is nice to see. Even religion gets a good light and in the end everyone lives happily ever after.

The movie’s really good; it’s a beloved classic for a reason. (Seriously, this movie’s good. If you haven’t watched it already, WATCH IT!!!)

Now let’s talk about the 2010 Robin Hood movie directed by Ridley Scott.  This film isn’t what you’ll call happy.  Robin Hood is not a righteous nobleman but a lying criminal who desserts the holy crusade and fights the evil stereotypical French. The women are awful, the church and medieval society are both portrayed in a negative light and the rest of the movie is just dark, gritty and forgettable. Guess what? The movie wasn’t well received, with critics like Roger Ebert calling the movie “innocence and joy draining away from movies.” Now there’s a new Robin Hood movie coming out this year and apparently it’s yet another dark and gritty take on the Robin Hood story. Just what the masses wanted, am I right? (Example 2) Superman! Who doesn’t know the man of steel? He is the most well known superhero in the DCU. His origin story’s an all-time classic; he is a common role model for kids and adults, his sidekicks and super villains are good. Most importantly, he saves kittens stuck on trees. Even if you don’t like Superman, nobody can deny the cultural significance he has all over the world. He is more then just a superhero, he is the superhero…In the new Superman movies however, and he is anything but a superhero. In the DC cinematic multiverse, Superman’s a nihilist, he fails to save people, kills his enemies, and lets his emotions get the better of him. He treats his life as a superhero not as a duty, but a curse. When Superman (spoiler alert!) dies in Batman v Superman nobody gives an anti-life equation, because that guy on screen is not the man who has everything. What happened to the Superman?

(Final Example): Star Wars is one of the greatest space operas ever made. A movie with amazing characters, a classic story and groundbreaking special effects. They’re movies that pay homage to Akira Kurosawa and the serials from the 30s and 40s. A story that borrows from East Asian philosophy and the archetypes of Joseph Campbell. A story with a great amount of historical symbolism, ranging from WW2, the French Revolution and the Roman Empire. Yet with all of the complexity and metaphor, the original Star Wars trilogy (and to some extent the prequels) is nothing more than simple kids movies…the new films by Disney I wouldn’t call simple. The new movies lazily rehash the plots from the original films but without the symbolism and archetypes. The new heroes are either too perfect or too flawed, there’s pretty obvious political messages floating around and all the original characters we know and love have forgotten everything they learned from Jedi and they all die. Don’t complain though, because filmmaker JJ Abrams will call you sexist for not liking the movies. (It makes you wonder what goes on behind the scenes.)

So, what exactly is this “thing” that My Little Pony, Star Wars, Robin Hood, and Superman have in common that their modern day remakes and sequels lack?

Heroism. No, really. Heroism or just simply, the heroic character is the most common archetype in storytelling and the most important. People naturally draw themselves towards heroes because they represent some kind of greater good, whether it be, faith, bravery, hope, charity and yes…friendship. When done correctly, the heroic character becomes a timeless icon. I mean look at my examples again. Superman is good not because of his superpowers but because of his character. Superman’s an immigrant, a stranger who uses his alien powers to help others. He stands for truth, justice, and the American way. No matter how bad the situation is, he never kills people. (For more on this subject, watch the animated movie Superman vs. the Elite or read the comic book it’s based on.)

Robin Hood (from The Adventures of Robin Hood) is a great character not just for his romantic, charismatic personality but also for what he’s fighting for. He fights an illegitimate authority and wants to return King Richard back to the throne of England. He believes him to be the rightful king, and he will sacrifice everything in order to get him back. Robin Hood knows he’ll bring a good, just government to England.

And Star Wars is a classic tale of good defeating evil, growing up into adulthood, redemption, and a tale of low-lifes becoming great heroes. Let’s look at Han Solo for a minute. Sure people talk about how cool Han Solo is like how he shot-first but in my opinion that’s not what makes him an amazing character. In the beginning of A New Hope, he’s a jerk to Luke. He doesn’t believe in the Force. He’s not a man of honor and only cares about money. However he slowly starts to care about Luke and Leia and discovers faith in the Force and after going through so much trouble and getting everything he wanted. He comes backs to save Luke, allowing him to destroy the Death Star. Despite not being a man of the book he is still a hero inside. Which if you really think about the real hero in the original trilogy it is Han, not Luke.

People look up to these heroes because they inspire us. Not to put on capes, overwears and conduct vigilantism, no, but to never give up hope, to always take up virtue and to know that good always triumphs…which really lacks in modern day entertainment. A lot of modern storytellers don’t understand heroism and don’t know why it’s so important to many classics. The new Superman movies suck because they don’t have any of Superman’s trademark heroism. Like I said, he kills the bad guys, he fails to save people and loses control of his emotions. That’s not a hero. The new Star Wars movies suck because all of the new characters are these god-like Neanderthals who have no reliability that made the original characters great. No all of them are sad old people who don’t learn anything. In fact, many remakes and sequels of classic stories are sad in tone when their originals were not-why is this? Well we all know why, it’s all because of the postmodern viewpoint that heroism is a fantasy and in real life everything that makes a hero doesn’t exist. Such a worldview is really bad and it shows in many original stories today. I mean look around you, fiction’s so dark it’s become commonplace for a piece of entertainment to take place in a post-apocalyptic world or dystopia where all authority is bad, all hope is lost, God doesn’t exist and the only thing that’s metaphysical is politics. There aren’t any heroes, only cynical, morally ambiguous, deeply flawed characters with little to no sympathy.  When the day is saved and the bad guy is defeated it usually ends on a very bitter note like nothing was every achieved. Does that sound entertaining to you?

Plus, when you get right down to it, a lot of these stories are shockingly bad. Many fields of entertainment aren’t being made by talented people but by executives who only care about money. Their writing is lazy, quality over substance, completely mindless with characters that are either one dimensional to two-dimensional, which writers try to hide it by making them inherently flawed. Now an inherently flawed characters is perfectly normal as long is there’s some sort of payoff or balance, However tons of writers today fail on both, causing audiences to feel alienated from the protagonist because the story literally gave them reasons not care about his or her struggles. Mix that all up with a problematic imagination and an unsubtle political agenda and you get a match made in limbo. Again, a lot of these problems come from this false interpretation of heroes not being real. Of course heroes are real. Anyone can be a hero. We enjoy fictional heroes because they remind us that good exist; If there is no hero, then there’s no value, if there’s no value then people don’t care and if people don’t care then the story is forgotten and then lost in time. I know every story can be different In form but the most popular formula is about heroes saving the day which is being desecrated in the modern era…

However-and I can’t believe I’m about to say this (or write this) My Little Pony is the exception. In the show, heroism isn’t ignored or perverse but accepted. The characters do heroic acts and they’re celebrated for it. Almost every character is nice, trustworthy and never cynical or morally ambiguous. The world they inhabit isn’t nasty, but a beautiful place, one that’ll make you wish you lived there. The show promotes many positive messages with a huge focus on friendship being the best ever, and no matter how dark the show gets (and believe me the show can get surprisingly dark at times) none of the heroes give up hope and they all lives happily ever after.

Plus, the show is well made. It’s not created by greedy executives but by talented people who’ve been working on cartoons for decades. The dialogue is funny, most of the episodes are smart, the characters are well-developed, the music and animation is surprisingly great and the show’s smart enough to not go P.C. Compare this to other television shows like The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Big Bang Theory, The Handmaids Tale and every show on the CW, MLP is one of the few TV shows that’s actually good. Wouldn’t you agree?

I think the reason why so many young adults watch MLP is because many of them are so tired and fed up with how much fiction has merged with postmodernism and choose to watch this simple kids show, Not only for being smart and entertaining, but also celebrating something many of them haven’t seen in a long time…and that’s a story of good people doing good things…But hey, that’s just a theory! A game-wait a minute? What’d you guys think? Was my theory on the brony phenomenon absolutely right, absolutely wrong or was it missing a couple of points?

  My Little Pony: Beyond Good and Evil published first on https://medium.com/@ReloadedPCGames

[technewss15-blog]

Funny To A Point – Heeding The Call In Destiny 2

After years of listening to gamers gripe about how the original Destiny ruined their lives in every conceivable way (even as they logged in hundreds of hours), Destiny 2 is finally here. Does the shiny new sequel provide Bungie with the redemption it doesn’t really need and has never asked for? Seeing as how all the early criticism has focused on the way shaders are used to paint your guardian pretty colors, it seems like the answer is yes. But we all know that the real verdict won’t be rendered until the professional critics weigh in – and we all know that the only professional critic that really matters is ME. Well, fear not, dear readers: Like my hideous Smurfette of a guardian, I am up to the task and ready to save the day!

Full disclosure: I never actually managed to finish the original Destiny. I played for about a week or so when the game first came out, but lost interest when that weird emo prince showed up in the incomprehensible-yet-paradoxically-simple story. My experience with Destiny since then has been downloading every new expansion and then feeling progressively more guilty for not actually playing them.

So what imbues me with the expertise needed to weigh in on Destiny 2, you ask? Well, for starters I was one of the first critics to identify and outline some of the major problems of the first Destiny – I was so early, in fact, that I received a massive amount of hate from the same super fans who would become Destiny’s super haters once they realized I knew what the hell I was talking about. I also cracked Destiny’s biggest secret, which has still eluded everyone else, so I think that makes me the King of Destiny? I dunno. Anywho, let’s get on with it, shall we?

Note: You can click on any of the pictures for a better look at whatever misadventures are being documented.

Destiny 2’s opening cinematic lays out the series’ plot like it’s reading a picture book to a child, and it’s a decision that I wholly appreciate. At this point, all I really remember about the first game is that a giant ping-pong ball gave my zombie soldier some sweet superpowers, which I used to kill a bunch of angry aliens as I searched for shiny balls engrams to score more loot. The intro doesn’t contain any huge revelations (“a mysterious good force is fighting a mysterious evil force!”), but I no longer felt the need to look up a plot synopsis on a Destiny fan wiki after watching it, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

Actually, Destiny 2’s intro did contain one particularly rude revelation: Because I didn’t max out my Destiny 1 guardian (I’m going to go ahead and blame Prince Creep for that), I can’t import her into the sequel. So as far as I can tell, from a lore perspective my original guardian gets blasted to smithereens during the cabal attack that kicks off Destiny 2. Not being able to carry over my character isn’t a huge loss, but it does undermine the fantasy a bit:

The Speaker: “You are the chosen Guardian, who will rise from the dead and save humanity from the galaxy’s greatest thr–“

*BLAMMO!!!* [Guardian’s head explodes into a fine mist.]

The Speaker: [Shuffling over to the next corpse] “Ahem…You are the chosen guardian…”

Anyway, with my old guardian now super-forever dead, I resign myself to creating a new character from scratch. I go with the Hunter class, because like me they are crafty and roguish and it’s my fantasy world so I’ll believe whatever I want! I also opt for a female Awoken, because humans are boring and robots are probably going to kill us all one day and I don’t need to be reminded of it every time I pull the trigger. At this point I realize I’ve remade all the same class choices I did in the first game, so I decide to just remake my character entirely. Think you’re getting rid of my guardian that easy? Think again!

Creating a character in a game usually turns into an all-night affair for me, as I obsessively shift every slider back and forth to its extremes before settling on the default position. Not so in Destiny 2! You get to create the exact hero of your dreams – by choosing from 7 stock faces and a handful of the ugliest hairstyles imaginable, because apparently the barbers were the first ones to be killed off in the apocalypse. Normally my wife weighs in on every minute detail during the character creation process, but the only feedback she offers me about Destiny 2’s limited options is that one hairstyle in particular makes my character “look like a heathen.” I’m not even sure what that means.

This just looks like Conan The Barbarian’s haircut to me, though come to think of it he probably was a heathen, so I guess she was right after all.

I opt for a crazy space mohawk instead, then move on to the face tattoos, which are always being as pointless and ill-advised in character creators as they are in real-life. Even so, Destiny 2 sets a new low bar for the extraneous category. Once again, I imagine an intern – possibly the same one who made Andromeda’s preset faces for BioWare – whipped them up in a matter of minutes.

Intern: “Hey, here are some face dots.”

Bungie Employee: “…You mean freckles?”

Intern: “Nah man, just face dots.”

Bungie Employee: “Alrighty then. Next!”

Somehow my guardian ends up looking vaguely like Margaery Tyrell, if she was thrown into the Mad Max universe and also purple for some reason. As totally rad as that sounds, I immediately regret every decision I made as soon as she pops up in the first actual cutscene – the gaming equivalent of getting dressed in the dark and then realizing you’re wearing your wife’s shirt as soon as you step out into the sunlight.* My wife also didn’t seem impressed, simply stating, “she looks quite striking,” which I assume is a polite euphemism for fugly. But whatever – at least it’s time to finally start playing!

Destiny 2 wastes no time getting into the action; after a brief cutscene starring the three characters from the first game that actually had faces, players are thrust into battle against a new faction of turtle-looking enemies called the Cabal. The Cabal are hellbent on destroying The Last City, which would normally be the name of a piece of armor or some robot butler in a Bungie game, but in this case it’s an actual city. Come to think of it, the Cabal is also a perfectly adequate name for an enemy faction…has Bungie lost its edge?!

What the heck are the space moles from Mass Effect doing in Destiny? And why are they so mean?!

The gameplay opens with your guardian returning to The Last City after some kind of patrol (or a sandwich run for we all know), and landing on the outskirts of the siege. I spend a few minutes of getting reacquainted with the controls, which includes immediately throwing a grenade at my feet and blasting away half my health. From there it’s on to the first battle, though things don’t go quite how I expect.

Even after all these years, I still remember my first open-ended skirmish in Halo; how dynamic the battle felt, and how the A.I. enemies seemed to be thinking and reacting for themselves. In contrast, much of the opening level in Destiny 2 feels more like Disney’s It’s A Small World ride than an FPS, as you’re guided from one small murder diorama to the next. Even for a self-grenading chump like myself, the initial enemies you face are about as threatening as the paper silhouettes at a shooting range, taking a step or two and then waiting politely for you to shoot their heads into some kind of ghost vapor. On the positive side, the controls feel as silky smooth as ever, and the first two guns I picked up were called Origin Story and The Last Dance, so at least Bungie’s still got it!

After a few more underwhelming encounters, the game’s seamless co-op kicks in – another guardian is just over the ridge and is in need of reviving! I’m not sure how he managed to die during this dog and pony show, but by the time I get over to him, a third player has him back up on his feet. It’s the thought that counts though, right?

Our improvised trio rallies around the bald dude who despite being a blue alien is always going to be Captain Daniels to me and anyone else who has seen The Wire (to my wife he’s the captain from Fringe, which is basically the same role only with parallel universes thrown into the mix). Daniels tells me that I should stay behind his shield, but I get annihilated by an incoming missile before it’s even deployed. So that’s how my co-op buddy died…

The Night King shows up in Destiny 2, but apparently he’s a good guy now.

One of my anonymous pals revives me and we hunker down and fight off a few waves of enemies together. It’s a cool, ships-passing-in-the-night kind of moment that reminds me of Journey, albeit with more guns and grenades and slaughtering aliens as they mindlessly funnel into my murder canal.** Once the assault ends, I turn to wave to my teammates, only to see that they have disappeared without so much as a goodbye –apparently manners were also a casualty of the apocalypse.

I move onto the next area and run into another NPC who I should probably know from the first game, but she promptly tells me that she’s going to “kick the Cabal where it hurts,” and then jumps onto the nose of a spaceship and disappears. I assume she’s talking about their space nards, though that’s an assumption in and of itself – how does she know the Cabal are males? Way to assume their gender, only human lady left on whatever planet this is. Seriously, is this Earth? Whatever. On to the next fight!

The next encounter actually gives me a run for my money, thanks to one enemy in particular: Pashk, The Searing Will. I know that’s his name because I actually took extra damage just to grab a screen of it.

No wonder he’s fighting so hard – people have probably made fun of his name for his whole life!

Unfortunately for him, Pashk is no match for Ode To An Unbroken Heart, which is the name I just gave my melee knife because two can play that game, Bungie!

With Pashk’s searing will extinguished, I head onto the next area, only to trigger a cutscene that introduces Destiny 2’s villain: a massive Cabal warrior named Ghaul. Well, mostly massive – his tiny bald head makes him look like a dude in a mascot suit who took his head off for a breather. Also, what is with villains wearing masks that distort their voices? Have we learned nothing from Bane?

I’m sorry, a world without what? Work on your enunciation, Ghaul! Also, why yo head so tiny?

Regardless, Ghaul gives a little speech about how puny guardians are, then drives the point home by planting his foot in my face and kicking me off of the magic tower we were trying to defend. As if that’s not bad enough, he also puts some kind of massive chastity belt on the ping-pong ball Traveler, which sucks away all the guardians’ superpowers. Talk about rude!

Despite just being a regular alien lady again, my guardian somehow survives the stories-high fall off the magic tower – though I guess that’s probably because it wouldn’t be much of a game otherwise (“And so the final guardian perished, and the might Cabal took over the galaxy. Thanks for playing!”). I limp out of the burning city with only a pistol, shooting some strange spikey dog creatures that also barf up their souls when they die (seriously, what kind of bullets are you shooting in this game?). Eventually a woman with a hawk shows up and invites me back to her village, which serves as the game’s first social hub. By that point in the evening my narcolepsy starts kicking in, and I repeatedly fall asleep while kicking around a giant soccer ball, only to wake up a few minutes later to sight of my character being nuked for wandering out of bounds – always a good time to call it quits.

You thought I was joking about falling asleep, didn’t you? Think again!

While Destiny 2’s opening doesn’t leave the strongest impression (even by tutorial-level standards), it contains at least a few sparks of Bungie’s patented dynamic combat, and does a much better job setting up a story and villain than the first game. And while I wasn’t particularly blown away by anything in my first night (well, except for the out-of-bounds limit), my subsequent play sessions have been more emblematic of what Destiny 2 strives for: tense and challenging fire fights against formidable enemies; an addictive loot loop that has me switching up my arsenal at a satisfying pace; and fun public events that you can jump into during the final few seconds and still nab the rewards. There’s also the PvP that I’m sure I’ll get obliterated in, and co-op strikes and raids if I can ever get Jeff Cork to put down Path of Exile and play with me (oh how the tables have turned).

Oftentimes in my column I tend to either gush endless praise for a game or take a big dump on it, but so far Destiny 2 hasn’t elicited anything quite so extreme from me. I’m enjoying the combat and the sense of progression, despite the fact that my character feels more like a mute marionette puppet than a super hero (seriously, a silent protagonist? In 2017?). And while I’m enjoying the game more and more every night, I don’t know that I’ll be one of those crazy people who plays it obsessively for years on end.

Anyway, I continued writing down more impressions and anecdotes in the subsequent play sessions, but rather than weaving them all into a(n even) long(er) and (more) boring narrative, I’ll just throw them in with some pictures and videos, and use the extra time to play more of the game. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is!

Few games take the term “monster closet” more literally than Destiny 2. It’s seriously just a door with mysterious black smoke!

The European Dead Zone is like a taxi zone at the airport – ships are constantly coming in and dropping aliens off on the same street. You’d think they’d have a better invasion plan.

All joking aside, Bungie serves up some awesome sci-fi environments every now and then.

The hawk lady seems pretty cool. Even if she fell for the face dots.

Titan looks like an awesome neon-blue planet when you view it on the map, but it turns out it’s just Mother Base. Also, what’s with all these potato-chip bags?!

Sometimes Destiny 2’s combat suffers from the level design, with enemies funneling into murder canals because it’s the only path through the environment. Then again, sometimes it’s also fun to rack up a billion headshots in a row.

I ran across these two little frog aliens, which I’m assuming are Destiny’s equivalent of Statler and Waldorf. I’m hoping they play a big role in the story later on.

Not to get too deep into spoiler territory, but Cayde’s torrid love affair with this chicken is as emotionally touching as it is sexually graphic.

There are a lot of big balls in Destiny 2. Just saying.

Seriously, they’re all over the place.

Bungie says the EDZ is the biggest zone they’ve ever created, but I don’t know how that’s possible when every rig on Titan contains an endless sprawl of identical rooms and corridors. One time when I was hopelessly looking for an exit, I ran into a big knight-looking dude and received a Lost Sector banner when I defeated him. In my case the “Lost” was quite literal. Also, does anyone else find it weird that Titan is a class in Destiny 2 and also a planet? Too many Titans, Bungie!

I don’t even want to know what that is.

Breaking news: The totally useless spaceships return in Destiny 2! They’re not fooling anyone, but they do make for a pretty snazzy-looking loading screen.

Everyone spawns into the same location on The Farm, making you look like some horrific, multi-headed mutant. The extra arms would probably come in handy during battle, though.

I was super excited when I got sword from a treasure chest. A sword! Then I found out it’s some kind of weird magic sword that needs ammo. How the hell is that better than a rocket launcher?!

And finally, it’s not a sci-fi game if you don’t have floating rocks – and also point out said floating rocks to the player via NPC dialogue. In this case, ghost speculates that they’re caused by some kind of Hive magic. How’s that for science fiction!***

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Funny To A Point – Heeding The Call In Destiny 2 was originally published on Tech News Center The Digital Generation