#the context of our server shouldn't suddenly mean these problems don't matter

[designersheets]

i'm in a discord group that. unfortunately has a lot of casual transphobia (especially transmisogyny). mostly from the same people every time.

calling them out results in a conversation about it, but it always turns into a circular argument and we end up nowhere. so they never actually learn or change despite claiming they will. they don't even always actually apologize, they'll pull a "sorry you feel that way" or flip things around to being about themself instead and expect to receive apologies.

i've tried being gentle and i've tried being tough about it, doesn't seem to matter. i'm not the only one speaking up and it doesn't matter.

i'm just so tired. i consider some of them close friends but it gets harder to do so every time this shit happens. all i want is for them to actually acknowledge that it happens and stop fucking deflecting and talking in circles around it, and stop making every problem that they cause into an "i'm hurt that you called me out :( i think i'm in the right so i refuse to change" conversation. i want them to take it seriously and try to improve as people.

that can't be too much to ask, right? i just don't know what else to do at this point if they're not gonna take it seriously. i've led the horse to water so many times, but it never takes a drink.

the funniest part is that one of the people actually has been called out by the rest of them and consistently is! he gets clowned on all the time when he says stupid shit. and he's stopped saying as much of it! he's improving! i don't mind staying friends with him! why can't anyone else do it? why do they dish it out if they can't fucking take it themselves?

[existslikepristin]

Picture is unrelated to the topic of this post and is only here to slightly undercut the seriousness. Do not worry about liking/reblogging/whatever this post. While I personal think it's good general advice, it is intended for a very specific audience.

Friends. Family. Enemies. Lovers, perhaps? Let's sit down and have a chat about the birds and the bees. Or something related to it. We'll see.

I will preface this by saying that nobody is specifically in trouble for any causes I bring up in this post, because it's a freaky little murky area in the server rules which may not be immediately intuitive. But moving forward, please consider it to be an official ruling. I know I will! I’m updating the rules to cover it!

There's a lot of internet talk about why kink shaming is bad. But let's summarize: People have very little to (significantly more often) no control over their kinks. People like what they like. It causes some fairly serious anguish to be told that something you cannot control makes you a bad person. Remember, kinks are not necessarily behaviors. They are a part of who you are.

And yes, there are some kinks that should never be acted upon and for that reason it might be good to see a therapist about them. As adults we all know what they are and why they are that way. If you need them spelled out for you, you really shouldn't be here.

Therefore, don't shame someone for their kinks. It makes you a shitty person.

With that as our background, we gotta talk about being horny on main with our kinks, and how it has potential to be a problem.

So, we shall first reiterate the great Rule 8. Being an NSFW, adult, smut-centric server, with certain specific exceptions, we talk sex. We talk kinks. Dog-gonnit, we be some lusty folks around these parts. And we're mature enough to know when to walk away from a conversation when it's within the rules but we're not necessarily comfortable with it on a personal level.

What this does not mean is that it's cool to hijack someone else's conversation to inject your kink into it and expect everyone else involved to be chill with or otherwise suddenly be a fan of your kink. It is not someone else's responsibility to walk away from a conversation they're uncomfortable with because you inserted yourself and made it so. That is one of the many reasons that Rules 3 and 4 exist.

If you see someone talking about tentacle sex and you burst in to say, "Excuse me yall, but I'm SUPER into leather," then when they say, "Um, this wasn't a convo about leather," they are not kink shaming you. They are subtly trying to tell you that you're being an ass. And you are. You are absolutely welcome to discuss your leather fetish, but maybe try letting the tentacle people talk about tentacles, and take your leather fetish to another thread/channel.

Now, that is in fact a general statement. If you feel that it's applicable to you no matter what kink you've done it with, then thank you for being self-aware and mature about it. But I'm gonna bring up a very, very specific example now, and it's going to look like I'm calling out a few individuals. That would not be incorrect, but try to take it in the same mature stride that the leather fetish tentacle-hater just did.

Consent.

We are all extremely aware of the importance of consent. It is one of those things where, if you don't agree on its importance or understand its significance, you should really not be here.

At least, that is the case with real life. In the context of fantasy, however, consent is effectively just another kink. One might get off on the explicit mention of consent while another might not. We should treat it as such in our conversations about fantasy. If the tentacle people and the leather people are discussing the supple tenderness of tentacles made of leather, that is not the time to say, "Excuse me yall, but I'm SUPER into consent." It kind of makes you the ass.

I know. I repeated myself. But there is another layer to this "consent is a kink" cake, and this layer is gray. Like, there's a vanilla layer and a chocolate layer, but this layer definitely isn't one of those, nor is it mint or red velvet, and we're gonna have to taste it to figure this shit out.

Certain kinks come with moral bloatware, which we have already touched on. The most relevant example here would be a noncon kink. If someone's got a noncon kink (and they are a reasonable person, such as we would like to think we have on this server), they are no doubt painfully aware of the fact that this kink, developed likely through no intentional fault of their own, is an obviously morally fucked up part of themselves. If you have a consent kink, on the other hand, similarly developed, then you are in a fantastically privileged position.

So, then, interrupting conversations with your consent kink accomplishes more than just making you the ass who injects their kink where people don't necessarily want it. It also serves as a reminder to the interrupted, and anyone else who reads the interruption, that you are better than them. Doesn't even matter what they were talking about previously. They could have been talking about leather tentacles, and your injection of consent chatter could immediately be taken as a comment on it. Are you telling me that leather tentacles are morally wrong? Who the fuck knows? All I know is that I was imagining being caressed by the smooth, lukewarm, flailing touch of an octopus that appreciates a good rawhide when suddenly someone is reminding me to ask for consent.

Heaven forbid noncon is the kink getting interrupted, because injecting a consent kink there is just straight up kink shaming, no ifs ands or buts about it.

But think about it even more critically now. Imagine you're just casually saying, "Damn, I love me some good consent," in public, even where there is no existing conversation. No, you're not interrupting people or directly kink shaming them, but let's take a look at another example.

"Wow. I didn't kill anybody's grandmother today. I'm on a lifelong streak!"

Sound irrelevant? Try again. In real life, nobody in their right mind is going around merking grandmas. And if they don't, you don't fucking question it. Perhaps because the act of merely not committing grandmicide is merely the societal expectation. (At least, it should be. Certainly, there's something to be said for the societal expectation of obtaining consent, but that's a whole different, important conversation. An appropriate place to discuss consent, perhaps?!)

Getting consent for sexual activity shoulddoes not make you special. Much like not murdering someone's grandma, it is merely part of not being a absolute psychopath. So when you, on a regular basis, keep reminding people, without being prompted, that your favorite thing in the world is consent and you would never do anything without consent, it starts to create a weird environment. Are you so desperate for everybody to know you have the moral high ground? Are you making up for something? Maybe I should call my grandma to make sure she's okay.

If someone has a noncon kink, and they are restricting themselves to exploring that kink entirely within the realm of fantasy and stories, but continuing to ask for consent in real life because they recognize its importance, then that makes them... Breaking news. This just in: Just as fucking morally neutral as you.

Now, having gotten all of that out of the way, to tie the knot back around to the original concept of the post: If consent really is your kink (implying that you get your jollies from the act of consenting, and not simply what follows), try to be aware that making a big deal out of that kink in public is a very grey area when it comes to whether or not it is inherently kink shaming others. Somebody reasonable with a noncon kink would certainly recognize your discomfort with their conversation and will likely change the subject out of courtesy, or even avoid talking about it publicly altogether. Maybe try to extend that same courtesy to them.

Anyway, this has gotten much longer than I initially expected, so I'm probably going to put this on tumblr and link to it. But for those in the back who weren't really listening, here's the summary:

Don't kink shame.

Don't force your kinks onto others.

Don't flaunt your moral superiority, especially when it's not really all that superior.

These are now added to the server rules (just Rule 8, even though they could totally be part of Rule 3) and will be enforced as such.