#the cons: setting myself to be even more tired with even less focus tomorrow if this fucks with my sleep

[ante--meridiem]

On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad an idea is it to have strong coffee at 7:30pm?

[remys-lucky-franc]

Comfort - Remy POV Fic (Queen of Thieves)

“Hey, I wanna ask for a Remy angst. Are you allowed to write angst?”

I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to write this for you, life’s just been a bit crazy between work and studying lately, and it’s so annoying because I’ve had some really nice requests that I’m excited to write for people, but I just haven’t had any time to work on them! Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this @ilovewritingfics 💕

Notes: although it’s written from Remy’s POV (I’ve never written a POV before for anything!), the fic is set in Nikolai’s route, which sounds weird, but you’ll see what I mean. No specific TWs for the fic, it covers Nikolai’s trauma surrounding his family, so if you aren’t up to date and don’t want a spoiler on that, or if it’s upsetting to you, consider giving this one a miss.

Word Count 2100

I want to credit my lovely friend @stopforamoment for her suggestion on the topic for this short fic - thank you lovely.

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[MORE] [[MORE]]

Dinner Club. One of my favourite things we do together. Every member of The Gilded Poppy is different and everyone has their own interests, of course. But this is something we can all enjoy, and I love this family time so much: everyone laughing, sharing food, telling stories, teasing each other... It’s always such fun to be part of this, and after a successful heist, it’s even better!

After all, tonight we have a beautiful vintage fencing sword in our possession! I know, it’s part of a much larger plan, but for tonight at least, stealing it has made Niko really happy, and that makes me happy. He’s sitting at the end of the table with a glint in his eye, listening to Daisy and Leon chatter joyfully about the (I must say, very predictable) ‘twist’ at the end of some romance novel. It’s a glint that I’ve seen a lot since Daisy joined our (very attractive) crime family. I smile to myself as I watch how her cheeks colour so prettily when she notices his eyes fixed on her, like she’s the only person in the room. It’s been a long time since I’ve saw Niko’s interest pique the way it does when she’s close by, if ever, actually. The energy between them, it’s something quite unique: special. She’s a match for him in ways I’ve never seen before, and the challenge is good for him. It’s like she set off a spark in him and all of the wonderful things that make him Niko, are just ‘more’ with her around. I watch them play their game - anticipation, flirtation, power and control - I’m well-versed in ‘love’ and seduction (some would say ‘a master’) but this something else: it’s not part of a con, not something ‘to get out of your system’... I only hope Daisy doesn’t tire of it, because I’ve never seen someone get the better of Nikolai Stirling the way she can.

I lean forward skewering something delicious from the sharing platter in front of me, popping it into my mouth, laughing along to the friendly debate Zoe, Jett and Vivienne are having. Vivienne’s losing her argument and is trying to convince me to fight her corner, but I’m too preoccupied with how I could use my conman charms to ‘gently persuade’ my best friend and Daisy to forget who is winning their mindgames and push them closer together. Niko will hate me meddling, but it’s for his own good! Maybe tomorrow I can-

My plotting is abruptly ended as the waiter heading to a table behind us is jostled by a man who tries to squeeze past him in a space that’s too narrow. It’s like the world slows down... I can see what’s unfolding, but I’m powerless: I have no time, no way of stopping it. The waiter loses his footing, one arm flailing. I’m holding my breath! He recovers (barely) without falling over, but not before the glass of Amarone perched on his tray swirls and sloshes to one side, a crescendo of blood-red bursting free down the front of Nikolai’s crisp white shirt. The bold bouquet of fruit and spice hits my nose as deep red splatters bleed and seep across the fabric. Nikolai is frozen, complete horror etched across his face. Suddenly, all I can see is the scared fifteen year-old I befriended on the streets of Paris carrying a sick kitten.

The waiter has discarded his tray; he’s panicked and apologising to Nikolai, fumbling for a napkin to try to blot away the mess. Our friends have noticed, but before anyone else can react, I’m halfway across the table with the salt cellar slipped inside my pocket. I wrap one comforting arm around Niko, my other hand on the waiters arm, reassuring him (in flawless Italian, of course) that everything is under control and I’ll take it from here. Within seconds, I have Nikolai on his feet, gripping him close to me as I guide him towards the restroom: always moving forward. I keep my free arm across his chest, deliberately, to shield the stains from his sight; leaning in close, chattering to distract him. Anything I can do, anything to keep him walking until I can get him inside. He’s hyperventilating by the time we enter the plush restroom, and fortunately it’s empty.

“Niko? Breathe. Slowly. Come on.”

He’s still not responding, I gently put pressure on his shoulder, manoeuvring him onto an Art Deco-style chaise beside a large mirror. I crouch in front of him, cupping his face in my hands, offering comfort, speaking softly,

“It’s ok. I’m here. Your Remy’s got you. It’s going to be ok. You’re safe.��

It’s a mantra I repeat several times over while he trembles. Minutes feel much longer, but now his breathing is slowing and for the first time since the spillage, he makes eye contact with me. I’m so relieved! I nod and smile before I press a heartfelt kiss to his cheek. The worst has passed. He’s going to be ok.

I pause, taking just a few seconds to catch my own breath: getting him away from the table to a safe space, keeping him moving, it was all automatic, all done on instincts. But now, my mind races. I’m so glad this happened when I was at the table; would anyone else have been able to get him out the way I did? Would he have let anyone else lead him off like this? He looked so vulnerable just now, it breaks my heart to think of it...

‘Focus, Remy. Come on. You’re not done yet.’

I lean back, fingers shifting to his collar, offering him my most suggestive grin,

“Lose the shirt.”

Nikolai manages a weak laugh (I knew that would get him!) as his fingers move toward his buttons, I realise a second too late that his hands are shaking too much to undo them. He mutters a strangled apology and rakes a hand through his dark hair as I make short work of them, startled by just how hard his heart hammers inside his chest, even now, minutes after the incident. He shrugs his way out of the shirt and I take it to the counter, grabbing some paper towels to blot out the liquid before dumpling half of the stolen salt cellar onto the stain. Selecting an expensive-looking cologne from the selection provided, I head back to Niko, spritzing it around him as I go, trying to erase the lingering scent of the alcohol from his nostrils.

As I join him on the chaise, he clears his throat awkwardly, his usually crisp clear voice barely audible at all,

“Thank you.”

I bump my shoulder against his, still trying to lighten the mood,

“Pas de problème.”

He still looks like he’s met a ghost, and I can feel the seat vibrate under me from his agitated tapping foot. But at least he’s speaking to me: when things have happened before, things that have triggered horrible memories for him, sometimes it’s taken hours to get him to even look at me. The first time it happened, long before The Gilded Poppy existed, we were only street kids, sleeping rough and begging. I’ll never forget it as long as I’m alive. A group of men left a bar near where we were hoping to earn a few francs, one of them was worse for wear and fell to the ground, vomiting. It wasn’t until I turned to Niko, ready to make some sassy comment about how the drunk couldn’t hold his liquor or his wallet, that I realised something was very, very wrong. It took hours for him to come back around, and days to feel better afterwards... I didn’t have a very happy childhood, and I was forced to grow up quickly, but not in the same way as Niko. The things he suffered... I can’t help but put myself into his shoes, picturing my family around our small dinner table, my lovely old meme, my mother bringing food to the table, my father chatting to my young brother about school... How unreal it must have felt to Niko, how terrifying. I cannot begin to imagine: to watch your whole family die... And such a painful death... It’s little wonder it haunts him. I scrub my hand across my eyes trying to shake the sickening scene.

I clap my hand on Niko’s knee as I stand, heading back to check how the salt is working on his shirt: it may seem ridiculous, but a conman has to think fast, and you never know when a cleaning tip like this will be useful! Of course, the shirt is looking much better - now I just need to rinse it and dry it off. Almost done. I bustle around the washbasin, running the breast of Niko’s shirt under the piping water, rinsing away the salt, pink dye flowing down the drain, erasing tonight’s events. I hold it up to the lights, smiling as I do.

“I think the shirt will survive, Niko.”

I start the hand drier, just as I hear Niko murmur something, far too low for me to hear over the roar,

“What was that?”

I stop, making my way back across to the chaise, gesturing for Niko to repeat himself. He looks up at me with the saddest blue eyes,

“I never wanted her to see me, like, this. How can she...” His posture visibly stiffens, “She won’t respect me after this?”

I frown. Of course, he’s talking about Daisy. And something in his voice tells me that Daisy’s ‘respect’ isn’t the feeling he’s truly worried about, but while he’s shirtless in a restaurant bathroom really isn’t the best time for me to play Cupid... I try to tell Nikolai that Daisy is the last person who would think any less of him because of this, she is so lovely: surely he knows her well enough, to know that? Daisy is sensitive and kind: she would understand. But he’s still shaken and so agitated about what happened at the table, my honest words make no difference; his barricades are going up and he mutters that he doesn’t want her pity. I make a show of raising one eyebrow at him, and shaking my head before I march back to the hand drier. I love Niko dearly, but he can be so stubborn, it makes me crazy!

Ten minutes later, Niko is looking much more collected, and is back in his gleaming white shirt: I am a man of many talents, it’s true! He straightens himself up in front of the mirror as I watch on: it’s almost as though nothing ever happened. We exit the restroom and rejoin our friends. Everyone is wonderfully discrete: they pretend we never left the table. Niko doesn’t utter a single word for the rest of the evening. His expression is strained and he doesn’t touch a bite of his food - he’s going through the motions but I know he can’t wait for the evening to end. I chip in some delightful anecdotes to help keep the conversation flowing, but what happened tonight weighs heavily on me: what if this happened and I wasn’t here? What if something like this happened on a heist? What if I couldn’t get to him? What would we do? How could I keep my best friend safe? What if something went wrong and I wasn’t around anymore? Who else understands like me?

I meet Daisy’s big brown eyes over the table, concern is written across her face. She really cares for Niko, it’s so obvious. I wish he would let her in... Having someone else who loves you, an extra person in this world looking out for you, to rely on... She could be the best thing that ever happened to him. She could make him happy, I can see it all.

I make a silent promise to myself: they say that love will find a way? Well, it certainly will when Remy Chevalier helps it along.

[long-bodyswap]

Happy Holiday Swaps

Stu and I had been talking about a vacation for some time now. It had been a couple of years since we had gone away, and the daily grind was really taking its toll on both of us. We were both always tired, and our schedules didn't allow for too much "together" time. It was making me depressed, and him grumpy. Even our sex life suffered. We barely saw each other on most days. He would get home after I went to sleep, and I would leave for work before he got up. It seemed that neither of us were ever in the mood anyway. Our lives seemed too dull for two twenty-somethings. With his waiter job my job at the department store, we really couldn't afford to go anywhere, but we really needed to get away. After rearranging our schedules and getting friends to cover for us, we were able to get 2 weeks off at the same time. We also managed to save a little money over the past year, but it would not be enough for a fun vacation to someplace like New York or San Francisco. A one-week stay at a hotel room alone would practically cost more that what we had saved. We decided that we needed to find some cheaper plan for a vacation.

One night after Stu got off of work, we decided to just sit down and look for the affordable vacation. We bought a few local newspapers and scoured the ads in the travel section and the classifieds. Heck, maybe we can find a courier flight to London or Paris, or maybe find someone who needs to have their Winnebago driven cross-country. We went through the ads. Nothing seemed very interesting. The courier flights were affordable, but none of the services could get us two seats on the same day to anywhere we wanted to go. Just when we thought that we wouldn't find anything, Stu spotted a tiny ad in the local gay rag. It read "Happy Holiday Swaps. Cheap vacations to anywhere in the US. Stay at someone else's house, and they stay in yours! NO HOTEL COSTS! Transport very affordable. Call for appointment. Gay friendly." We were both very excited. It was the perfect answer! We can swap apartments with someone and save on the hotel costs. Why didn't we think of this before? We both looked at each other with excitement but then I noticed that his face was slowly unwinding from his smile. "Yeah, but Rick, who would want to come here? This is the most boring town in the world," he said. "There must be people wanting to come here, I mean they DID put the ad in the local paper, didn't they? And plus, there is a small but thriving gay scene here. Maybe some people just want to get away from the big city," I answered optimistically. "Let me make an appointment to go down there tomorrow after work and see how much this whole thing costs, and whether or not we can get a trade to someplace fun. With that, we went to bed. We were so excited that neither of us could sleep... it was the best sex we had had in months.The directions that the man gave over the phone seemed unnecessarily complicated. Left turn here. Right turn there. Left turn here. Another left turn there. Couldn't he just give the address? I finally ended up in a small alley in the gay part of town. It was very unfamiliar and I was glad that he gave me such detailed directions. I didn't know half of these streets existed in the small city that we lived in.The storefront was tiny and kind of run-down. It did have an old world charm about it, so I opened the door. 

As I walked in, our friend Craig was excitedly hurrying out of the shop. He must have gotten a great vacation deal, since he didn't even stop to say "Hi."The man behind the desk looked up and said, "Hello! You must be Rick." He was a strangely handsome 40ish man. He had a pleasantly chipper demeanor, which was in contrast to his strong build and tattoos. His short salt and pepper hair was poorly groomed, in a way that reminded me of a mad-scientist. He had a very familiar look about him. "I'm Raymond Schenkel. I'll be your travel coordinator. You can call me Ray. So," he continues. "You want to have fabulous vacation?""Yeah, but we really don't have too much money to spend. We really want to go someplace fun." I said."Well, just fill out these forms. You said ‘we.' Are you planning to travel with your lover?" Ray asked."Yeah, his name is Stu." I replied."Oh, then you'll have to fill out a questionnaire for him as well. We have to make sure that we find the right match, you know," he said as he handed me a second set of papers. "So when do you plan to travel?" he asked."A week from tomorrow, and we'd like to stay for two weeks." I said."Hmmm. Two weeks might be hard to find. Most people only want one week at a time. Let me see what I have." He turned to his computer and started tapping away.As I was filling out the forms, I noticed that some of the questions were quite personal, like questions personal habits, personal hygiene, and social behavior. I guess all this was important if we were going to stay in someone else's house. In fact, I'd like to know myself that the people staying in our apartment would be clean."How much is this going to cost us?" I asked."We have a flat fee of $500 per person for a round trip." He replied.$500 didn't sound like such a good deal. Booking airfare ourselves online to our destination would cost less. But I guess it works out by not having to pay for a hotel room. Ray noticed my reaction at the price."Satisfaction guaranteed. If you're not happy, we will refund 100% your money. No questions asked." He said confidently.Comforted by that, I nodded and said, "OK" as I finished the forms."OK, then," he said smiling with a sense of accomplishment. 

"I've found some possible trades. Let me run the questionnaires through the computer to find the best matches." He said as I handed him the forms. He scanned the pages in and let the computer compute for a couple of seconds. "It looks like I don't have any two week trades starting next week, but I have two one week trades. I won't charge you for the transportation to the second one, since I couldn't find you a two week trade. The first one is to San Francisco for a week, and then the second one is to San Antonio.""Great! That's like having two vacations for the price of one! So how does this all work? Do we have to leave you with our keys? How do we get to.." I started with excitement."They way this works is somewhat... unconventional." He inturrupted, then pausing. I knew this whole situation was too good to be true. "You have to keep an open mind." He continued. "The way it's going to work is that you will actually trade places with another couple.""I realize that." I said, slightly annoyed. "That's how we save on hotel costs.""No," he interrupted, "you literally trade places. You and Stu will be swapping bodies with a couple in San Francisco. You and Stu will be in their bodies there, and they will be in your bodies here.""This is ridiculous. How stupid do you think I am?" I said. I got up to leave this Ray quack before things got out of hand."Rick, wait. I know how this must sound. Most people react the same way." He said. He pulled out his wallet and showed me his driver's license. It read, "Robert Walters.""So what?" I sneered, "You make fake I.D.s, too. Is that supposed to make me trust you better?" And then it dawned on me. 

The person standing in front of me looked Bobby Walters. He used to be the bouncer at Woody's Bar years ago. He kind of disappeared from the bar scene, saying that he found a much better gig."Bobby? Is this what you're doing these days? Running scams?" I said in disbelief."No. You see, I'm not Bobby. I'm Raymond, in Bobby's body. Your friend Bobby is working in our office in Minneapolis, in my body. The company let's the employees use the service for free among themselves. In fact, they encourage it." Ray explained.Now that I was thinking about it, it began to seem plausible. The man in front of me really didn't feel like Bobby, although he looked like Bobby. And that would explain why Craig didn't say hello. "So, the guy that was leaving as I walked in... he wasn't Craig?""That's a young fellow from the Philly, and he swapped with you friend Craig for a few days. I see that you're not quite convinced." Ray said."Well, you have to admit, this sounds really far fetched. I just need some definite proof. How do I know that you're not Bobby? How can I be sure you're just not some con artist?" I said."Well, let's see..." He thought about it for a moment. "I have a way to prove to you. I'll give you a demo. Let's go into the back," he said. I was a little skeptical, but I figured it couldn't hurt.We walked through the door at the back of the room into a much larger, clean and bright room with a lot of strange equipment. 

"Sit here." He directed me to a comfortable reclining chair. It was like a dentist's chair, but with a little more gear around the head area. He put a couple of electrodes on my temples and said, "Now just stay calm. It helps if you close your eyes." He sat in a similar chair across from me and pushed a bunch of buttons at the controls. I closed my eyes and waited for something to happen.I was beginning to feel foolish now since nothing was happening. For all I know, this Bobby or Ray or whoever he is could have just bailed while my eyes were closed. I was sitting there for almost a minute now and was getting really impatient. I heard Ray get up and walk over towards my chair. I opened my eyes and said, "What kind of fool do you think I..." 

Everything was blurry but was slowly coming into focus. To my complete surprise, I saw a handsome twenty something with short brown hair in front of me. I saw myself walking towards me! I looked down at my body as saw a muscular bar bouncer. "What the hell?" I said and noticed that my voice was coarse and low."Are you convinced yet?" Ray said in my voice. "Hey, Rick, you have really nice body," he continued as he was feeling his stomach and his chest. "Your guests will be very happy with the swap.""Wow! This is incredible! I'm actually in Bobby the Bouncer's body!" I got up out of the chair and immediately fell down."Whoa!" Ray said, helping me back onto the chair. "This is your first time swapping. You have to take a couple of minutes getting used to the new body. First, extend your left arm out in front of you."I did, but slowly. It felt like I was in a swimming pool or something."Now make a fist, and flex your arm," he directed.I did. I was a little shaky, like I had been drinking tons of coffee. But I finally brought my arm in. "This feels awesome." I said in wonderment."Your mind has to learn how to communicate with the new body. It only takes a coule of minutes" He explained. We did a few more exercises with the left arm, and then the right arm, and then some leg stretches. Everything was feeling more normal now and I was no longer shaky. "OK. Now slowly stand up."I got up and stretched. "Wow! This is just unbelievable!" I rubbed my chest and then looked at the tattoos on the arms. I pulled up my shirt to see a tight six-pack. Just beyond the waistline I could see my hard-on bulging under the jeans. This was so hot! I rubbed my penis and it grew even larger. I felt a little dirty, like I was doing violating Ray, or cheating on Stu or something, so I stopped. But I sure didn't want to. "I'm convinced!" I looked over at Ray to find him playing with his face in front of the mirror. I saw that he had a hard-on also, with my penis. "Does everyone who does this swap thing get so... excited?" I asked looking at his bulge."Well, most gay men do. Especially if the host body is cute." He winked at himself in the mirror. He started to rub his growing bulge and said to me, "Wow. Your body is so cute!" He undid his pants and took out his penis and started to jerk off."Hey wait a minute! What are you doing to me!" I screeched."Don't worry, Rick. I'm not doing anything to you. I'm doing it to your body, which you lent to me." He explained. "Ooh. This feels so good." He moaned. He was stroking his dick with one hand and rubbing his body with the other I watched Ray continue until he came. He shot cum all over the mirror."I had no idea how hot I looked doing that!" I said. I could feel my penis was now throbbing inside my jeans."You are allowed to freely do what you want in that body, just as the guest in your body can do what he wants." He said looking at my "excitement".I walked over to the mirror and unbuttoned my 501 jeans and pulled out an erect 8 inch penis. 

Watching myself as someone else in the mirror was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I watched myself as I started to stroke my penis. Ray walk over to lend me a hand. "No, don't." I said, "It would be too weird." I explained. I rubbed my face and ran my fingers through my hair, through Bobby's hair. I looked at my arms and my large hands wrapped around my penis. This was the most erotic experience I had ever had. The more I thought about it, the harder my penis got. The harder my penis got, the faster I stroked. I looked over at the mirror at my reflection, at the image of Bobby, and shot my load on top of Ray's.We cleaned up the mess we made and swapped back. We went back out to the front room and sat down."If you are interested, we can book the trip. It will take a day to confirm with the other office, and then we'll be all set." Ray said.I eagerly handed him my credit card and said, "Let's do it!""Great!" He ran the card through the machine and punched in a bunch of numbers into the computer and printed out a stack of pages. "Here is the contract and terms of use. Please read over this, as it covers what you can and cannot do in the host body, and what you will allow your guests to do in your bodies. Sign it and bring it with you on your date of travel. Needless to say, you don't need to pack anything. If you want, we can ship some things to the San Francisco office prior to your arrival."We shook hands and I happily went home unable to contain my excitement. I couldn't wait to tell Stu about our vacation.

[randomperson917]

a 1000 times

Summary: We kissed, Keith! Was it really so bad?

In which Lance Kisses Keith. Keith freaks out. And these dorks are trying to figure things out. (College AU)

Warnings: Just a bit of angst with a happy ending cause it’s Klance and they deserve to be happy! Also this turned out way longer than planned.

“WE KISSED, KEITH!”

The music could softly be heard inside the room. Yet all Keith could focus on were Lance’s uneven breaths.

How the quiznak had they gotten here? They were finally getting along! After all the bickering and endless arguing in high school, they could finally get along! They were juniors at Altea University and had grown up a bit. Yes, they still fought, and Lance still made fun of his mullet, but they were friends. When the rest of the group couldn’t make it to lunch they would go to Sunny’s Café. They would do homework together and enjoy it. Because it was Keith and Lance, the fantastic duo. And now…

Well now… they couldn’t even have a stupid conversation. Lance couldn’t even look at him. All because of that stupid night. That one stupid night that Keith wished so badly he could erase from time.

“Was it really so bad?”

Lance is on the floor now, knees to his chest as his hands cover his face. He sounds damaged. His voice can’t help but crack towards the end.

Once again all that can be heard is the soft echo of the music. The light is dim, but Keith has never felt this vulnerable before. Standing on the opposite wall from Lance, all he can do is think of that stupid night.

It was past 11. He should have been getting ready for bed, but he had a paper due in two days. And the only time he could edit it was tonight at 11:25 pm or tomorrow at 11:25 pm. Why couldn’t he have Pidge’s brain? She probably already printed hers out. And even if she hadn’t, he knew she would finish in less than an hour and still receive an A on it.

Stupid procrastination!

So he continued working. Typing and retyping words to the best of his abilities when his phone lit up.  He wasn’t surprised when he saw Sharpshooter on the message icon. After all, everyone else had their shit together. It was only Lance and Keith who would pray Hail Marys every time they received a project or test back. Always declaring they would be better at time management next time around. It was a vicious cycle, really.

Opening it, he couldn’t help but smile.

Want waffles?

By now it was 12:45 AM. If he was going to stop working on his paper, he might as well go to sleep. Tomorrow was already going to be a hell of a day. Keith could only debate on the pros and cons of getting waffles when he received another text.

Or want to come with me to go get my waffles cause you love me and don’t want anything to happen to me?

That simple text made Keith’s mind up. He wanted waffles! And Lance’s safety of course, but mostly waffles.

Are you sure Sunny’s open?

As soon as he sent the text, Keith was putting on the first jeans he found on the floor and his red jacket. He had only put on one of his boots when he heard a knock on his door. Quickly finding the other and stuffing his foot in, he opened the door to find the only person that could get under his skin.

“So, Sunny’s is closing at 1 but they told me they would wait for us if we get there in like ten,” Lance greets him. His hands are stuffed in his pockets as he continues to casually thrown in, “So I thought we could take the motorcycle and be there and back in a quickie…”

Letting out a sigh, Keith walks beside Lance as he strictly reminds him, “Lance. How many times do I have to tell you? Red is for emergency’s, work, and the occasional beer run. But not for waffles. Just call them, and tell them we’ll find someplace else.”

“Uhh… Well… About that… They’re already making our usual. I may have called them a minute before I texted you.”

Keith can only glare at Lance as he starts making his way to Red. Lance only gives him an abashed smile as he continues to say, “Plus, we both know there are no waffles like Sunny’s waffles. Come on! After a long day, we can both use a good waffle and hot chocolate.”

Keith can only chuckle as he hands Lance his spare helmet and says, “Well what if I had told you that I couldn’t do waffles tonight? Or I didn’t want one?”

Lance freezes in place before simply stating, “Keith. It’s Sunny’s waffles. There’s no way in quiznak you would turn me down. The only reality where that would happen is if you had been brainwashed by some evil villain who obviously didn’t know what they were missing out on because they have never had a Sunny’s waffle.”

Keith can only shake his head at Lance’s words. But Lance knows he’s smiling because he has caught him too many times trying to hold back a smile.

So there they were, driving to Sunny’s Café at 1 in the morning for stupid waffles. Lance was right. With Red they had been there and back in a quickie. Like always, they went to Keith’s studio and had the food spread out on his bed. It wasn’t the first and it probably wouldn’t be the last. But both of them enjoyed these little midnight breakfasts the best.

“So what do you think of my paper so far?” Keith uttered as he took another bite of his waffle.

On the way back, he had told Lance the only way he would forgive himself for getting waffles is if Lance checked over his paper and gave him an opinion. Lance kept squinting his eyes at some parts when he answered, “Solid A. Although you may want to revise the last three pages. Some sentences could be phrased better.”

Keith kept nodding his head to Lance’s advice when he finally announced, “Okay. Enough school. Start eating your waffles before they get too cold.”

So they kept joking around as they ate. Talking about the latest saying Professor Coran had been using in an attempt to get “down” with the “kids.” It was 2:37 AM when they finally settled into a nice silence. Both laid on the bed, looking at the glow in the dark stars Keith had added to the ceiling.

Peace. They were both at peace. At least until Keith asked Lance, “What are you thinking about?”

All he heard in response was a chuckle that made him turn his head to look at Lance. Lance kept staring at the ceiling as he softly uttered, “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

Realizing something was on Lance’s mind, he quickly sat up, stating, “Lance… talk to me.”

Letting out a puff of air, Lance mimicked Keith as he simply murmured, “I’m just tired I guess. I’m fine though. Or I will be once I get some sleep.” He gives Keith his famous smile. The one he uses on all the girls. But he knows Keith can see right through it when he hears him say, “Lance. Look, if you don’t want to talk I won’t push you. But I will always want to know what you’re thinking… Good or bad. I will always want to know.”

Keith gives him his own reassuring smile. And it makes Lance’s heart flutter as he blubbers, “It’s just… I talked to my family today and they all mentioned how proud they are of me. How I’m going to be the first one in our entire family to actually graduate from University and set an example for the younger ones. How I have come so far and how far I’ll go.”

Lance gets quiet once again and Keith takes it as a moment to encourage as he whispers, “But?”

Letting out another puff of air, Lance finishes with, “But I’m tired of being the golden child. The one who feels like they always have to act like they have everything figured out and be on top of everything. Keith, I’m struggling. I’m struggling in school and I’m trying so hard. So hard to be that example. And… it’s hard to tell that to my parents when their only words of advice is, ‘It’s okay Lance. You’ll figure it out.’”

Worry washes over Keith’s face as he moves himself in front of Lance to offer, “Hey… It’s normal to struggle. I struggle. Even Pidge struggles.”

Lance lifts his gaze to glare at him as Keith quickly adds, “Okay, so maybe not Pidge. But it’s okay to feel a bit overwhelmed. And… you can always come talk to me at any time.  Quiznak, you already spend most of your time here anyway! I’ll just be your therapist on top of being your best friend, house inn, chauffeur for waffles… study buddy…”

Lance can’t help but crack a smile at Keith’s attempt to make him feel better. He keeps hearing the long list of things Keith apparently does for him when Keith stops his mumbling to say, “You know I should really start charging for my services.”

Lance furrows his eyebrows as he quickly retorts, “HEY! I do WAY MUCH MORE for you! I make sure you study and give you my FREE advice! Not to mention I protect you from yourself!”

Keith can only smirk at Lance as he quips, “From myself? Really? When have you-“

“Your MULLET KEITH!” Lance shouts right back, interrupting him mid-sentence.

Keith can only roll his eyes as he hears Lance continue to yell, “How many times have I told you about the MULLET? But do you listen? Not to mention I make sure you eat! If it wasn’t for me you’d be dead by now for starving yourself. And don’t even get me start on your horrible habit of overworking! I’m always ensuring you have some time to relax between classes and work! I’m practically the one who-“

THUMP!

For a second they both stay still until Lance calmly states, “You just hit me with a pillow.”

Keith tries his best to hold back a chuckle, but fails as he manages to get out, “Well you wouldn’t shut up…”

At hearing Keith’s words, Lance quickly utters, “Oh I’ll shut you up!” before attacking him.

They wrestle for a bit. Each shouting empty threats as one tries to get an upper hand. It’s not until Keith pins Lance down that they finally halt. Both are breathing hard as Keith’s lips form a smirk in triumph. He’s just about to mumble a shout in victory when he notices a hue of red spread across Lance’s cheeks. It’s only then he realizes their predicament.

He can feel Lance’s breath on his cheeks. Each hand holds one of Lance’s as their fingers intertwine. His body straddles Lance as his knees touch Lance’s hips. He has never seen Lance’s blue eyes up close. But QUIZNAK… does he let himself drown in them.

Keith can feel his own cheeks turn red as the blood rushes to them. He’s pretty sure Lance can hear his heart from how fast it’s beating in his chest. How many times had they found themselves in this situation and brushed it off? How many times had he told himself it was nothing at all?

Yet here they were, drawn to one another as neither dared to move. Both their eyes kept wondering as they both mesmerized the other’s face. Keith couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t help but be hypnotized with Lance’s lips. His gaze tracing their outline.

He didn’t know what was happening until it happened. Lance quickly moved out of Keith’s hold, forcing him to sit up. Keith had only managed to let out a groan in confusion when suddenly he felt Lance’s hand on his face, pulling him closer. Before he could get his thoughts untangled, their lips met. And by QUIZNAK, was it everything Keith had imagined it would be.

“Was it really that bad Keith?”

Lance’s voice brings Keith back to reality. Reminding him how the sweet, innocent memory had altered their entire relationship.

He can’t bring himself to speak. He can only keep glancing at Lance as he tries to form his thoughts. The kiss hadn’t been bad. Not in the slightest. So why had he pushed him away? Why had he pretended it never happened? Why had he destroyed their chance at happiness?

Lance lets out a sigh in defeat as he slowly picks himself up from the ground. Lifting his head to peak at Keith, he can’t help but relive that night again. He thought he read all the signs right. Keith wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss Keith. So he simply did what they had been so afraid to do so. And how had it turned out?

With Keith pulling away, rambling on how he couldn’t do this… how Lance should go and get some sleep… that they would talk about it tomorrow.

Except they didn’t.

Keith couldn’t look him in the eye the next morning in class. Much less have a conversation on the feelings Lance could no longer deny. It was then Lance knew Keith didn’t love him the way he loved Keith. So with a bruised heart he did what was best, he gave Keith his space and pretended his feelings were just a phase.

Letting out another puff of air, he returns his gaze to the ground as he states, “If you’re not going to talk, I’m going to leave. I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough.”

Lance tries his best to look okay. Yet all he hears is his heart in his ear drums as he makes his way to the door. His hand has only touched the handle when he hears Keith whisper, “Please, stay.”

Lance freezes at his voice. He can only focus on the door as he utters, “Why should I?”

He can hear Keith moving towards him. Lance tenses when he feels Keith’s hands gently pulling him away from the door. Yet when Keith pulls him closer, his hands in his hair, Lance can’t help but feel at home. Their foreheads are touching. Keith keeps playing with his hair when Lance softly hears him say, “I… The kiss… You-“

Suddenly the room fills with music and chatter as the door opens to reveal Hunk. They all stare at each other until Hunk awkwardly asks, “Am I interrupting something?”

Quickly Lance pulls away from Keith, ignoring his gaze as he softly says, “No. I was just leaving.”

He ignores the way his heart begs him to turn around and ask Keith what he was going to say. He moves as fast as he can as he tries to get lost in the crowd. Leaving a confused Hunk with a broken Keith staring after him.

“Seriously, did I interrupt something? Because I have the feeling I did,” Hunk asks Keith once again.

Biting his tongue, Keith tells him to get lost as nice as he can. Although it comes out more bitter and angry as he pushes Hunk out of the way.

He keeps moving people out of his path as he tries to find Lance at this party. Honestly, he knew it was a bad idea to talk to Lance in the middle of all this. But Lance hadn’t been answering his calls or text for a while, and the only time he saw him was if they were hanging out with the rest of the group. So when Keith saw Lance across the room, he did what he thought was best. He dragged him to the nearest room and demanded they talked.

“MOVE!”

He doesn’t care how rude he’s being or the glances people are giving him. The only thing he can focus on is Lance. He’s about to give up hope when he glimpses the famous green jacket Lance always seems to wear. Quickly he makes his way to the front door, praying to the universe to give him a second chance.

As soon as he steps out the door, he feels the cold air of the night greet him. He searches the couple  of people lounging around the front yard but none of them are Lance. Moving his feet to get a better look at the street, he sees Lance’s silhouette walking away from everything.

“Lance!”

Keith can’t tell if he can’t hear him or if he’s just plain out ignoring him. Yet he keeps moving his feet, willing himself to fix this.

“Lance! Please! Talk to me!”

He’s losing all hope until he hears Lance shout, “I already did! And I heard everything you had to say… Which was NOTHING!”

As soon as he sees Lance is not running away but merely waiting for him to catch up, Keith feels the lump in his throat slowly disappear.

Placing a hand on Lance’s shoulder the second he can reach him, Keith quickly turns him around as he quickly murmurs, “I’m not good at this, okay? I don’t do feelings, and most times when I feel something I try to push it down. I’m just so afraid of…”

Taking a deep breath, Keith shifts his gaze away from Lance as he finishes with, “I was… I mean I am happy with you and I’m just afraid of screwing this up because the last thing I want to do is hurt you and watch you leave. I can’t lose you Lance. Anybody, but not you.”

Shutting his eyes tight, Keith finally lets out a gasp of air before hearing, “Idiot.”

When he opens his eyes, he’s greeted with Lance’s smile and a slight blush on his cheeks.

“You know for someone so smart you can be so stupid sometimes,” Lance softly whispers.

They both let out a chuckle at this statement as Lance continues to utter, “I know you Keith. I know this stuff, the feelings, isn’t easy for you. I’m not expecting you to be perfect because let’s be honest, we’re juniors in university and you still have that mullet.”

A smirk seems to replace Lance’s smile as he adds, “But I don’t care if being together is hard or complicated or work… I’m in it for the long run.”

Keith can’t help the smile that is forming on his face. He wants to tell Lance how much his words mean to him, but much like that one night, Lance surprises him into a kiss once again. It’s everything and more than Keith can imagine. It’s actually better.

When they finally pull apart, Keith can only tell him, “As am I.”

[hard-satin]

It’s okay to be human (Pt. 1)

Masterlist

DylanxReader

Summary: It’s your first con since joining the cast of teen wolf as Dylan’s love interest. Let’s just say, things get interesting.

WARNING: none (yet;)

My alarm blared, waking me from one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a long time. Begrudgingly I rolled over only to be met with the harsh illumination of my phone.

 6:00 a.m.

  I groaned, smashing my face back into the soft hotel pillow.

  Why did I even have to get up anyway? Filming for Teen Wolf latest season had ended over a month ago.

  “(Y/N)! (Y/N)! Get up! It’s breakfast time!” The energy filled voice of my friend Tyler practically sang from outside your hotel door.

  “We’re going over schedules this morning. So don’t be late to breakfast or you’ll miss a bunch of stuff. More importantly it  will leave me alone to deal with this oversized puppy.” Holland at least had the decency to sound tired but you could tell she was excited. The whole cast was super pumped for the Con. With slight reluctance I dragged myself out of my comfy hotel bed and trudged over to the door.

  “Okay! Okay! Just let me brush my hair and get dressed and I’ll meet you both in the lobby in ten minutes.” I said poking your head out the hotel door. Just wide enough for me to see them but it kept my oversized superhero shirts that served as my Pj’s hidden. I waved at Tyler as Holland practically dragged him down the hall to the elevators.

  I brushed my hair and teeth as slowly as I could, not quite sure if I was ready to face what was waiting for me. Once out of the bathroom I cursed myself for laying out my outfit last night. It gave me less time to procrastinate. Throwing on the plain black T-shirt and jeans, I did manage to stall when I put on my shoes. Redoing the laces on the red converse twice before standing and walking to the door. Shoving my phone in my pocket and throwing a red flannel that I had stolen from set over my shoulders.

  I tried to calm my breathing on the elevator ride down, but if anything the music was setting me even more on edge. I closed your eyes to focus, so lost in thought I didn’t even hear the elevator open again.

  “Nervous huh?” The warm voice startled me from my trace. I knew who the voice belonged to but opening my eyes and seeing him was a whole other thing. My eyes trailed up from his hands stuffed casually in his pockets, to his baby blue shirt that looked impossibly good on him, to the scruff that had started to form on his face. Damn, Dylan was a looker, no doubt about it, but the eyes are what stole all the words that had been forming in the back of my throat. Whiskey eyes that made my stomach fill with crazed carnivorous butterflies every time they landed on me. It wasn’t until the elevator door dinged to close that I realized he had even asked you a question.

  “What? Oh yeah. Very.” My cheeks flushed immediately as I fumbled over your words. He just smiled at me. A wide, cool, easy, heart melting smile that I knew would be my doom if he tried to ask me any more questions.

  “Don’t worry, it’s always scariest on the first day. You’ll be a pro by this time tomorrow.” I wanted to reply, but once again words were avoiding me like the plague. Luckily I was saved by the door. It slid open and we both walked over to meet our friends who had gathered near the hotels free breakfast buffet.

  The schedule was pretty basic for the first day. Just a couple interviews and photo ops with the fans. Sunday was the big group panel, no big deal. It was Saturday I was worried about. I had signings in the morning and then a duo panel with Dylan. It was titled the “Silly panel” which sounds innocent enough until I realized it’s our character's ship name. Stiles and Lilly makes Silly. I’d always loved the name. Though now that I was going to have to do a panel all about my fictional love life, I was beginning to resent it.

  I was brought out of my thoughts when someone sat in the empty chair beside me. I looked over to see who was still here, most of the cast had early panels.

  “Are you as nervous as I am for Saturday.” Dylan asked, as I fought to wet my suddenly extremely dry mouth. There could only be one thing he was talking about. Though logic would say there was nothing to fear, when it came to Dylan logic was beyond my capabilities.

  “Well a little but it can’t be too bad.” I said shrugging, trying to appear nonchalant.

 “You’d be surprised. It’s supposed to be about our characters right? Well things always get personal.” He said as if there was no way to avoid it. The thought made my stomach twist in anticipation.

  The rest of the day was great. The interviews were a bit tedious and repetitive but that was nothing I hadn’t dealt with before. The photo opps were a blast. It was amazing to get to meet so many of my fans. The whole day went by in such a blur and before I knew it, it was time for dinner. Everyone on the cast had different schedules so I didn’t think I’d see anyone, but I was wrong. Dylan was just sitting down at a table in the hotel restaurant when I walked in. Maybe I could just grab an apple from the basket on the front desk and order room service. I made to turn around.

 “(Y/N)! Over here.” Dylan waved me over to his table. There was no getting over it now. I smiled sheepishly at him as I walked over to the booth, slipping in across from him.

 “How was your first day?” He asked, ordering us two of our favorite beers.

 “The interviews were the same as they always are, but the photo opps were amazing.” I told him looking over the menu.

 “So, you think you’re ready for the Silly interview tomorrow?” He asked after we ordered.

 “No.” I answered honestly. He chuckled

 “Wanna practice? I’ll be the audience and ask you all the questions, that way you can get used to it.” He said. I thought it over a bit before nodding in agreement.

 The night passed easily after that. Dylan did what he always managed to make me do, laugh. I spent the entire night laughing hysterically at Dylan and his questions. It was nice to just relax with him again. The last scene we filled before break was a sex scene between my character and his. The tension had been affecting my friendship with him. I was really glad everything was back to normal. We laughed and we drank for hours, asking each other redickulous interview questions.

 After the restaurant closed and kicked us out, we took the elevator up to my floor. Laughing loudly and stumbling down the hallway just a bit tipsy.

 “This is my stop.” I giggled, not sure what was funny anymore but not able to stop myself. Dylan swayed a bit in front of me, he put his hands on either side of the doorway to keep himself up, effectively caging me in.

 “One last question.” He said eyeing me.

 “Shoot.” I said smiling at him putting my hands on my hips.

 “What’s Dylan O’Brien like in bed?” He smirked down at me.

 “I wouldn’t know. I’ve only been with Stiles.” I smirked back at him.

 “Wanna change that?”

[theamberfang]

Journal 83

To get the most pressing matters out of the way first, I did not manage the main objectives I had set for today. I spent nearly the whole day feeling worn out and exhausted. It may have had something to do with actually falling asleep sometime around 400 then waking just before 1000, but I think it actually had more to do with going out yesterday. It’s sort of similar to the way you’d be physically exhausted the following day after working out for the first time in a while, except I was tired mentally and emotionally instead of physically. Even after consuming some sugar, chocolate, and caffeine, I had trouble keeping my eyes open for nearly the whole day.

Today made me realize that I had accidentally underestimated my own social anxiety, despite all the effort I’ve thus far put in to describe my experiences. I had successfully gone out for a day, so I had thought it would be “no big deal” to further escalate things and actually speak to customer service on top of repeating many of the same beats from yesterday. Economically, I probably should do what I can to get those 15 dollars back, but I honestly don’t think I’d get out the door if I focus on that goal - it’ll still do fine as a spare I suppose. I’m better off focusing on the primary goals of actually getting a splint for my right wrist and finding some ergonomic cushions.

At the least, my exhausted state led me to spend less time with my hand on the mouse clicking through tabs and pages and whatnot. This near total removal from these repetitive actions left both of my wrists feeling great, to the point I momentarily thought I didn’t even need to go get the other splint. I did get a second-wind later in the day though, and quickly began to notice the usual discomfort once my hands were on the computer; it’s much reduced, but enough to remind me that I really still should continue putting my all into this recovery.

Just to bring it up, I did wear the left brace all of last night. It’s a bit hard to say how effective it was considering the adjustment in my behavior today. I can say that I did wake with a mild, but somewhat new discomfort in my left wrist/arm. I may have bound it too tight, or it’s just due to being generally unaccustomed to wearing it. Hopefully it won’t prove to do more harm than good anyway.

Given how tired I was, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I didn’t manage to read anything. I could hardly say I was even watching anything, or even listening. I just had a Smash tournament playing on Twitch and I wasn’t cognitively aware of most of it.

Oh yeah, that degree of sleepiness is also partially why I decided not to go out to try buying anything. Not only was I emotionally unprepared to deal with it, but I simply didn’t trust myself to drive. I probably could have perked up and managed if I had to, but I wasn’t going to push it for something I wasn’t horribly motivated to do at the time.

Oh, again I’m writing this at 200 in the morning, well behind schedule. I’m beginning to think I’d be better off committing to an earlier time whether or not I intend on sleeping then. The current situation is one where I don’t feel up to writing because of feeling tired, but not wanting to sleep because I haven’t written. The general break from schedule probably isn’t helping either. Regardless, scheduling it earlier might at least get me thinking about it sooner, ideally at a time I’m more prepared to just write. It won’t quite bit a full day’s recap, but that’s fine really.

Tomorrow Goals:

Wake up; 1100 or earlier

Go out and buy the things; no commitment to refunding the spare splint; 1300, committing to this time and just figure out whether or not I can in the moment

Read Dune, no post; 1500-1600

Read Ouroboros, no commentary; 1700-1800

Journal; 2100-2200

Extended Goals:

Revisit NanoWriMo setting

Support Groups; might be more clear now why I haven’t managed to get around to this, but it’s still a goal regardless

Throne Breakdown: Eyes

Write about MLP

Continue IDA; generally a given, but I figure I’d write it here

[cosmosogler]

hello i am here. i took a break from pokemon today except to check up on the pelago for about two minutes while i was waiting at the doctor’s office. and i guess i’ll do the daily stuff in fifteen minutes.

i have been having weeeeird dreams again. i think it’s the birth control... i very rarely have dreams like that when i’m NOT on birth control. it involved me watching a let’s play of sonic adventure 2′s two-player thing and the players couldn’t figure out what to do despite the directions showing up on the screen. i wanted to scream. 

then i was looking at sky scrapers. i recognize them in retrospect - they’re in the Big City. i am not usually up that high to see the top of the buildings. there was a family-owned sub sandwich place with a big sign that read “We Cater!” in yellow cursive. it was on top of a radio tower. i mistook it for a billboard until i leaned over and saw the counter with the meat and bread and stuff. there was absolutely no room for a kitchen or tables and the restaurant, or room, was about 10 by 10 feet with glass walls and the sign over the door. i asked “how did this happen?” out loud and then i woke up.

the early part of the dream was me wandering around in the fog on a dock that was also a college campus. i had to get an ark down from the mountain. because i needed more bible symbolism in my dreams? there was some kind of party going on, because every now and then people would appear from the fog wearing bright colors and carrying balloons and prize bags and kazoos and stuff. i think they spoke simlish, or something i didn’t understand very well. i ended up getting the ark down by doing a weird optical illusion thing. i was standing far away from it, so it looked small, so i just picked up the small ark between my thumb and finger and put it in the river. then when i got close it was big again. i think that’s where they were playing the video games. it was in a wooden room at least.

the thing that makes these dreams weird is that they are even more disorienting and mashed together than usual. generally there’s some kind of theme connecting my dreams, like the colors or mood or some phrase or motivation. or i will deliberately try to leave one dream if i don’t like it, and once i leave i forget what i was doing and have the new dream. there’s nothing particularly sexual or anything in these dreams, as you can see, but :/

i don’t like it at all.

i felt that disorientation all morning. the shower was a haze, and right after i washed my hair i couldn’t remember if i’d washed my hair yet or not. there was still soap in my hair so i figured it out. when i left to drive to the doctor’s i forgot the garage door was broken. then when i was driving i started dissociating really bad. i was trying to watch the road, but i was also like observing myself driving and everything looked really far away and it was hard to focus. usually when i’m driving and something like that happens a million alarms go off in my head, and that happened, but it was also hard to care. i made it to the doctor without incident though. when i checked in i noticed they had monsters inc on in the corner and there was a little kid watching it with her mom and that cheered me up a little bit.

the doctor changed up my birth control prescription, so hopefully i won’t be so sore and sick all the time next month. she also recommended that i start keeping a food journal to see if there are patterns in what makes me sick and less sick. so i will make more of an effort to write down what i ate and how i felt afterward. i totally forgot to take my anti nausea meds twice today but it was ok.

i was ok driving home. i put on some music i like. i decided to hold off on picking up the new meds until tomorrow to see if my other prescriptions are ready by then. i still have some time left before i need to get more wellbutrin and stuff, so hopefully if there’s a problem i can get a refill from my doctor on monday.

for lunch i had my leftovers from manuel’s. a spinach enchilada and some espinaca con queso. it’s a pretty cheesy meal, but i did ok. i felt just as sick as yesterday and i ate roughly the same amount, which was about three quarters of what i had rationed myself. after that i was doing something on the computer... i don’t remember what it was. i think i was looking at some videos i didn’t have time to get to yesterday and when i finished that, my brother and dad had moved all the bookcases out of the hallway and into my sister’s unoccupied room. so dad asked me to clean the floorboards. so i took a rough cloth and wiped off the dirt. dad is going to paint the hallway sometime in the near future. i was going to say he didn’t need to bother, but, thinking about it, it really needs it. there’s still crayon markings from when my brother was a toddler a few years after we moved in.

after that i called the outpatient hospital thing that my therapist recommended! i am going to be “assessed” on monday. it meets for like nine hours a week. i am hoping i get in, and i am hoping it will be helpful, although i am not sure what it entails or how many weeks i will theoretically be attending. i will have to remember to ask those questions on monday. i also looked up some reviews online and there weren’t any comments on being “treated like an animal” or “left in the waiting room for 7 hours” so i am hoping it will be good. they also take my insurance.

after that i bummed around on tumblr until i realized it was too late to also call the school about my tuition. maybe tomorrow...

dad and i went to thai food for dinner. i started feeling really sick about halfway into my soup but i forced myself to continue eating because thai food is my favorite. like, i have liked almost every thai dish i have ordered at any restaurant. this one doesn’t make the very best food, but it is very good, and they also do vegetarian soups which are magnificent and i can’t seem to find any other thai place that makes them. so dad and i go to this one. i decided to try something new and got “spicy noodle.” which was basically black pepper with some noodles and broccoli. it was pretty good!

dad was too tired to go to the game store to play terraform mars so we went home after dinner. i set up onitama and got him a beer and we played a round of that. it took like 25 minutes, while with asher they usually took 10 to 15 minutes. dad ended up pulling a very unexpected win in literally the last turn after i’d put pressure on him since turn 3 or so. it’s like chess except more crowded and fewer options. it’s hard to explain without the board and pieces in front of me.

after that i sat and thought for a while. my sister used to have a very similar problem to the one i am having now. constant stomachaches, feeling nauseous, stuff like that. that started when we were very young, like “eating solid food now” young, and seemed to still be happening when i left for high school. when i see her next, probably on easter for the family gathering, i will ask whether or not that ever stopped or if she just started hiding it better. i think she started feeling better after having a nose surgery... so it might not be the same problem. i have a much wider nose and don’t have a lot of breathing problems except a weird respiration cycle that probably developed because of my heart problem.

after that i was talking to asher and i brought up that game where you find a young teenager with like a sparkledog oc and you draw it and make the kid happy. an artist named coral did that for me once when my secret santa was a no-show one year. i was 14. it blew my mind! i spent so much time after that trying to draw like her. my style is much different from hers now, but i think i am about at the same level technical wise. i have never been a popular artist but i think having someone with practice draw your first oc is kind of magical regardless.

so i spent like two hours combing through the internet looking for goofy ocs made by kids. i noticed that my little pony and five nights at freddy’s is very popular. i don’t know much about those... but i found a few examples of “baby’s first character” so i will try to at least do some sketches tomorrow evening. maybe it will help me start drawing again.

i wanted to go to bed at 11:30, but now it is 12:30, because i am dumb and said “i’m just gonna write something really quick” at 11:30, which is when i ran out of resources to find mostly unironic eye-searing sparkledogs.

also in one of the “young artist” groups on deviantart there was tentacle porn and i don’t know how to feel about that. (it was... pretty vanilla actually.) and some vaguely sensual shirtless photo realistic paintings of star wars fan characters. and there was one folder with pages upon pages of ms paint anime drawings by one person from 2010. 

i don’t miss being a kid.

i’m going to try to sleep and hope my hellacious dream torment ends soon.