#the condoms guy is the maths genius of the class

[chaoswillcalmusdown]

tiny lil silver lining at work was today when i had a maths lesson with 8th graders (age 14-15) and their next lesson would entail a visit from the local youth health services (idk what you'd call them but in sweden you always get a visit or you go visit them in 7-9th grade so they can talk about stds and puberty and answer questions). so i was tasked with taking my last 5-10 minutes to let the kids ask an anonymous question for them to answer.

a few, as expected, didn't want to so they just didn't.

one of the tough guys asked for like 4 post its and very seriously wrote his questions.

and one proudly told me his question was "how many condoms have you handed out over the years?"

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Shy Fics (5) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three, part four

A Trip To Getting Together (ao3) - JenCollins, WordsAblaze

Summary: Sometimes, all you need is a single bed in the last available stuffy motel room to admit that you want to upgrade your relationship and finally get that first kiss.

Amity (ao3) - thattumblrchick

Summary: dan had a personality more fragile than the flowers he pressed. (shy!d x punk!p)

-

or in which a perfectionist with a limp meets a basket case with an affinity for hiding. together they find that they have more common ground than might be expected.

Anxiety (ao3) - QueenKenzo

Summary: Dan has been homeschooled his whole life cause of his major anxiety so when he finally goes to school his sophomore year of high school, Phil is assigned to help him. Will they fall for each other?

Birds (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil is a library volunteer who somehow ends up helping with a children's activity. And as he's working, he can't help but notice the curly haired stranger who is really good with kids and really good at making him smile.

Call It Love (ao3) - Literaryhobo

Summary: Phil's first time buying a condom. A lot of hilarity, awkwardness and a little bit of fluff ensues.

crayons and constellations (ao3) - howelllesters

Summary: “I’m the shy, quiet art major in our painting class and you’re the insane math major who’s always raving on about how the universe is full of dimensions that 3D can’t capture and how beautiful that is" AU. Or, the one where Phil takes Dan stargazing, and shows him the beauty in not knowing.

Detention (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Phil Lester gets detention again, and meets Dan Howell, who is a shy and quiet kid and never talks to anyone. Phil picks up a conversation with Dan and they take a liking to each other. Phil doesn’t want to stop talking to Dan so he offers him a ride home and a friendship blossoms.

First Date/Last Night (ao3) - DryCereal

Summary: Suddenly he wants to lay all his cards on the table, and see which ones Phil picks up.

Fluffy Kitten (ao3) - A_Million_Regrets

Summary: A small cat seeks shelter in Phil's home on a rainy day. Phil is instantly smitten with the little guy and his cute perks.

Although the cat had weirdly human eyes, he absolutely never expected the cat to be his shy next-door neighbour, Dan Howell.

Frottica (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: Dan finally acts on his feelings toward the sexy barista at Lester's Coffee Shop. Phil is relieved by the man's boldness, and an exciting new relationship begins.

Give Me A Spark, I'll Give You Explosions (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Phil is quiet and shy, silently pining. Dan is loud and flirty, and doesn’t care about labels. House parties and nail polish occur.

Home With A Heartbeat (ao3) - JenCollins, WordsAblaze

Summary: Uni’s hard, so sometimes Dan ends up missing lunch. This time he goes to Phil, who gives him not only worried looks, a meal, and cooking skills, but also a home.

i love you so (but i don't want you to know) (ao3) - glasseslouis

Summary: the high school AU nobody asked for in which dan is a secret admirer and baking genius, and phil is oblivious in more ways than one.

In the Light of the Moon (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: Dan Howell’s never had any friends. Why? Because he has a superpower. One that he can’t control. Luckily, the new kid at his school doesn’t mind.

Meet My Boyfriend!!! (ao3) - Oceanberre

Summary: Contains: Fluff, Shy!Dan, Slightly Possessive!Phil, PJ is Dans brother, Short!Dan and Dan has some rough medical stuff going on but he's okay :)

paint me in trust (ill be your best friend) (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil is clumsy and shy, Dan is much nicer than Phil thinks, and both of them are too awkward for their own good.

Patterns (ao3) - gravityplant

Summary: In which the university student Dan moves into his first apartment, completely alone in the world for the first time. The lack of friends he compensates with overworking. But then there's suddenly Phil. Charming, shy Phil, with the most childish smile Dan's ever witnessed. Suddenly nothing's ever the same.

Sea Glass (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Phil arrives on the Isle of Man to house-sit at his family's cabin while it's repaired and sold. Except the cabin's in far worse shape than expected, and Phil's got to find somewhere else to stay

Shy Kitty (ao3) - notebookofdreams

Summary: Dan’s a neko. Phil’s an introvert who���s addicted to coffee.

The Heat Of The Water And The Heat Of Our Souls (ao3) - kuwuromi (aphrodeity)

Summary: Dan and Phil have been best friends for as long as either of them can remember. One night in a jacuzzi changes the entire dynamic of their relationship, starting with some fond memories of the past.

Take Me Out Instead (ao3) - amazinghiatus

Summary: Phil is a cute pizza boy, so dan keeps ordering pizza because he’s embarrassingly shy.

The Bassist (ao3) - Star4545

Summary: Phil is the shy bassist in Dan's favorite band.

Three Tattoos (ao3) - greensweater

Summary: When a talkative, blue-eyed boy named Phil Lester walks into Dan Howell's tattoo parlor one dusky autumn afternoon, Dan isn't sure what to make of him. But when Phil keeps coming back, their one-time connection grows into friendship, and eventually, something more.

Who's That Boy? (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Dan Howell is the shy, loser kid who nobody notices unless they’re picking on him. Nobody cares about him until they find out that he’s dating a mystery older boy on a motorbike, named Phil Lester.

You Tried (ao3) - analester

Summary: prompt where 2009 dan is shy and he tries to straddle phil but he accidentally knees him in the crotch"

[lunar-girl-fic]

Ready or Not~ Chapter 7

Warnings: None

Third Person POV

Word Count: 855

It's been four weeks since the party happened and Maria was feeling sick to the point where she couldn't keep down anything she ate and her body ached a little but mostly her boobs. Her mom was concerned but brushed it off as the flu since it was flu season. There was no fever but her mom made her stay home. While she greatly appreciated the little break from school she felt uneasy because lately she hated being lonely. She wanted to see her friends and Shownu but she didn't want them to catch whatever she had. So the only choice she had was to suffer alone. 

As Maria was lying in bed dreading the moment her mom would have to leave her alone to go to work, someone knocked on her door.

"It's open mom"

"I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or insult."

Maria turned around swiftly to see Cassandra standing at the doorway.

"Oh my gosh, what are you doing here? I told you I didn't want to get you sick."

"Listen girl we're best friends, if you think I'm gonna let you suffer alone then you must not know me well."

Maria smiled at that and made room for her. Cassandra entered and sat in the bed.

"Soooo have you guys figured out what wrong with you."

"Well, my mom thinks I have the flu but like I only have an upset stomach and my boobs ache so I honestly don't think it's that"

"True. Maybe it's a stomach virus."

"Negative. I don't have a fever."

"Maybe it's food poisoning."

"Nega- wait a minute, I think you may be right. Last night we did eat day old fish from a restaurant. Cassandra you're a genius!"

"Of course I am" 

"Enough about me. How is your relationship with Wonho going?"

"Absolutely nowhere."

"Huh? Why not?"

"I'm not really sure but ever since the party it's like he's been avoiding me and the other day I saw him getting close with that girl in our math class."

"Julissa? She's seems like such a nice girl maybe he was getting some help from her."

"Hm. I honestly don't know but that doesn't explain why he's ignoring me."

"Maybe he's too shy. I mean you guys did sleep with each other without really getting to know one another so he probably thought you only wanted sex."

"Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a shallow person."

"But that's just the thing. He DOESN'T know you well enough. I just think you should make the first move since he obviously is too scared to and he’s a sensitive guy so he probably thinks he’ll get rejected."

"I'll think about it."

Just as Cassandra finished saying that Maria had the sudden urge to throw up again. She rushed to the toilet and threw up. Cassandra knelt beside her and pulled her hair to the side while rubbing comforting circles on her back. After she got up and washed her mouth out they went back into her room and sat on the bed.

"This food poisoning is honestly the worst, right?" Cassandra said but when she didn't get a response she looked a Maria. "Right?"

"Huh? Oh. yea... I was thinking maybe this isn't food poisoning. I've had that before and it wasn't as bad as this."

"There's different types of food poisoning. Maybe you have a severe case."

"But that doesn't explain the ache in my boobs."

"Have you and Shownu yea know, done "it" recently?"

"Nope. We haven't slept together since the party..." Maria's stomach instantly dropped. She realized that it's been four weeks since the last time they had sex and that is usually the time frame for a female to feel symptoms for pregnancy plus she hasn’t had her period yet...

"Hellooooo earth to Maria."

"Huh oh sorry."

"You scared me there for a moment I thought you were gonna tell me you might be pregnant."

Maria didn't answer and avoided eye contact.

"Maria... you're not pregnant are you?" Cassandra said carefully.

"Cass I honestly don't know" Maria said timidly.

"Look we don't know for sure so let's not freak out. Plus you said you guys used a condom so there's no way you're pregnant."

"You're right"

"Just to make sure we're wrong. I'm gonna go pick up a test. Okay?"

Maria nodded and went back to lying down as Cassandra went to go pick up a pregnancy test.

Since the drug store was down the street Cassandra came back in 15 minutes.

"Okay here's the test. You have to pee on it and I think the wait time is 2 minutes." 

Maria got up and took the test and went to the bathroom. She peed on the stick and put it on a tissue as she waited for the results. She started silently praying that it came out negative because she and Shownu definitely weren't ready to become parents. 

The two minutes were up and she slowly brought the test in her line of vision. She held her breath as she looked at the test and the results were....

If you guys would like to buy me some ko-fi please click the link below I would be eternally grateful!

ko-fi.com/lunargirl

Disclaimer: The photos used are not mine. I got them off of google.

A/N: So this chapter is a little shorter than normal because it’s more like a filler chapter on the events that are about to take place.

[durenjtmusings]

The Great SPN Meta Scavenger Hunt: Round 2  - The Exclamatories, Expletives and Key Words/Phrases Listicle

(or TL;DR - “Suck as it may, our perky nipples are defcon screwed with signs of douchery, so shut your cakehole, you whackjob, before I make your posh spice ass have a code brown moment and use you for an angel condom. Asshat.”)

[No abstract here because writing them is hard and f*ck that sh*t it is 4 am.]

Introduction:

Thanks to @elizabethrobertajones​ for kickstarting my “SPN Character Voice Database” project with this challenge. The verbal creativity and qualities of each character’s “voice’ has always been one of the things that has greatly entertained me about Supernatural. So, in attempting to write SPN fanfic, I am pretty obsessed about making character’s dialogue *sound* right. @chiisana-sukima​  and I were chatting recently about our struggles to 'write’ the boys swearing convincingly (I make then swear lamely and she has to take swears out) and BOTH of us are struggling with making Sam swear right (tip – turns out, that’s because he doesn’t very much). [I think this is the presenting problem or sorta the research question, but again, 4 am and not getting paid so ;P]

In the spirit of scientific investigation, I have begun to address this problem in a typically “academic” way – I collected and analyzed unique character language patterns data for all 12 of the initial SPN episodes (using Excel and everything). Analysis consisted of *highly subjective* qualitative and quantitative methodologies using the rubric below (thanks to @k-vichan​ for the rubric framework from their “Dean the Action Hero” entry)

Review of Existing Research:

As far as I know – this research is unique in fandom – if someone has already done this, PLEASE let me know so I can do something ELSE with my time.

Definitions of Key Terms:

Exclamatory – ‘throw-away’ words which, if removed from the sentence, have no real effect – they are there for punctuation, character flavor, etc. and often start or end a sentence. Includes ‘pet words’ for people like son, boy, douche, Giraffe, etc. For my purposes, I did NOT count ah, well, alright or OK, because EVERYONE USES THEM ALL THE TIME in this show. Some words counted in this category ONLY if they were NOT used ‘correctly’ in context – examples (correct usage in brackets):  Hell (the place), God (the person/entity), hey (to get you to turn around), c’mon (to get you to come with someone) and man (to indicate a male person).

Expletive – swears, substitute swears and blasphemes (technically all exclamatories, but in a class by themselves). These were casually assigned ‘strength’ by how much I got in trouble for saying them when a kid (words like friggin’ were counted for strength as if they were the swear they replaced). We were not a religious family so blasphemes were all counted as lamer than more scatological swears.

Key Words and Phrases – Crack stuff said by characters that ‘define their voice’ – things that make them uniquely them. Fun phrases and sayings. Includes innocuous stuff like “Seriously?”, “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” and chick. Sometimes a colloquialism was counted, like ‘ain’t been’ because it seemed unique to the character. NOTE: Cas is a special case here – his entries tended to be overly formal words no one else ever really says OR cases where he starts to use human idioms at ALL.

Method:

Re-watched all initial episodes over the course of 5 days and recorded all entries in the above 3 categories by character, with extras grouped as a block. Then grouped all recurring characters of note in a “friends and family” group for easier analysis, creating 4 main groups: Dean, Sam, F&F and Xtras. These four groups were then analyzed in the following categories and assigned scores by one completely biased reviewer.

Quantity - actual # of items recorded across ALL characters. Repetitions were counted individually.

Variety - (scale of 1-5) measures how unique and interesting items are for this episode, as well as ‘strength’ of expletives.

Originality - 5 points per item that made me chuckle or raised my eyebrow the 1st time I watched the episode

Sam vs Dean - % of Sam items to Dean items as an integer. Sam hardly swears, so we want to give him lots of credit for when he DOES do so. This also serves as a measure of ‘balance’ in verbal creativity for the episode.

Family & Friends - (scale of 1-5) QVO (see above) across other core characters (+1 bonus point if Cas had ANY)

Xtras - (scale of 0-5) QVO across any Xtras

Impress me – 5 points per character whose performance REALLY stood out to me (purely subjective, don’t argue with the researcher)

Controlling for Bias: @chiisana-sukima and I also discussed how the writer for each episode had a lot to do with language, so we’ve included that data in the results. Other items that may affect the data include a) how much silence there was built into the script, b) how MANY characters appeared in the episode, and c) how plot affected the character (Demon!Dean, Demon!Bobby, Leviathan!Cas, dead-hallucination Bobby-in-Sam’s-head, etc.). For my purposes, if they LOOKED and tried to ACT like the character, their words were categorized for that character. But, essentially, I didn’t sweat this stuff and did whatever I wanted, because no one is paying me, so there.

Results:

SO – no surprise this is stupidly long and full of illustrative screencaps. Read below the cut for the Fun stuff! {Oh, and pre-emptively: “Screw you, my math is perfect.”}

1.1 Pilot (Kripke)

Dean: Whoa; easy tiger, are you kidding me?; hell, gig, dude, not bad, scored (got); do some digging (research), cakehole, check it out, c'mon, I betcha, here's the deal; dude, took a swan dive, "what the...", I'm super, chick, what a bitch (she is), I don't get it, no chick flick moments, bitch, hey man, dude, five-o, take off, crap, boobs, nice work (well done), saved your ass, screwed up, shag ass, whatever, helluva,

Sam: crap, hell, hey, c'mon, the damn thing, working overtime on a Millertime shift; man, dean; jim, jack and jose; I swear, man; kinda, hey, genius (deprecating), hey, jerk, hell, we got work to do.

F&F: John –hell, (sports reference) ; Mary - oh my God

Xtras: hell, smartass, hell, Hell

Quantity – 60    

Variety – 4    

Originality – 20  [cakehole; no chick flick moments; working overtime on a Millertime shift; jim, jack and jose]

Sam vs Dean – 18/35  or 51

Family & Friends – 1

Xtras – 1

Impress me – 10 [Dean, of course, made a strong first impression in this pilot episode, but comparatively this is one of Sam’s strongest episodes as well.]

          Total = 142

2.1 In My Time of Dying (Kripke)

Dean: man, c'mon, gimme, thank god, screw you, c'mon, lay some mojo on me, c'mon, what the hell kinda, hey, frickin', man, dude, full on Swazy'd that mother. What the…, get the hell away, now what?, sorta, you gotta be kiddin' me, god, I'll be damned, damn straight, I'm screwed, son of a bitch (angry), chick, far too laid back, hell, cut me a break, I'll pass, not into (x) chicks, what the hell, ditch it,  c'mon, c'mon,

Sam: I swear to god, you wanna bet, lay some mojo on, thumbs up our asses, I got it covered, hey, aw man, pissed (mad), what's going on?, go to hell,  hey, man, hey, c'mon, man,

F&F: John - our only card, meet up with, hey, pick it up (for me), hey, dude, buttin' heads, I seen; Bobby – you got it (yes), damn; Tessa - freaked, I'm dealing, flipped out; YED - get the hell out

Xtras: oh my god

Quantity –   64  

Variety –    2.5  

Originality –  5 [full on Swazy'd that mother]

Sam vs Dean – 15/34  or 44

Family & Friends – 2

Xtras – 0

Impress me – 0  [Really kinda banal, noting major happened verbally in this episode. Dean was lively, but not really inventive.]

         Total = 117.5

3.1 The Magnificent Seven (Kripke)

Dean: freaky, weirdo, bupkiss, drivin' me crazy, I aint sweatin' it, get this, spiffy, whackjob, stupidx3 (in one sentence), showtime!, sit here with our junk in our hands, send [him] packing, hell warmed over, poor bastards, chick, whatever it takes to get you through the night, goose chase, welch out of it, so help me god, tuff, whatever, sons of bitches, raise hell,

Sam: ah, god; beats me, man, my god, what the hell, good bet, stark raving psycho, bustin' my ass,  

F&F: Bobby - (double negative), pack it up, damn it, half-cocked, this joker, son (at Dean),

Xtras: "Hell's Bells", Hell, bastards, damn fools, man, rat's ass, piss poor, damn

Quantity –   47 

Variety –    3 [very little repetition, several new words by several characters]

Originality – 15  [whackjob, sit here with our junk in our hands, stark raving psycho]

Sam vs Dean – 8/25  or 32

Family & Friends – 1

Xtras – 2 [more quantity and variety than previously]

Impress me –  0 [ solid performances, but no one really stood out]

          Total = 100

4.1 Lazarus Rising (Kripke)

Dean: Preachin' to the choir, dammit, bad mojo, some [one's] bitch boy, badass, hell yes, damn,  douche her up, bit it (die), freaky, weirdo, crap, I'm game, bring it,  work him over, perky nipples, cut me loose (from Hell), tell you squat, "don't come crawling to me when they show up on your doorstep with vaseline and a firehose", whatever had the juice to, bad mofo, peachy, (serious) as a heart attack, bigtime [knife], get caught with pants down, helluva, "ring the dinner bell" (call up bad guy), get the hell out, I'm not buying (it - belief),

Sam: hell, they booked up here, thank god, what the hell's goin' on, hell,

F&F: Bobby - dead set on it, took off, what in the hell, aint been, sticky question, damn thing (2 x), kid (at Sam), you can't be serious; Pamela - Grumpy (at Sam); ruby: getting pretty slick

Xtras: damn, gotah Hell

 Quantity – 47    

Variety –   4 [Dean’s range alone here pulls this up from a 3]  

Originality – 20  [douche her up ; perky nipples; don't come crawling to me … vaseline and a firehose;  Grumpy]

Sam vs Dean – 5/29  or 17

Family & Friends – 2.5 [about avg quantity and variety]

Xtras – 1 [pretty lame]

Impress me – 5 [Dean really lit this episode up – back from the dead and spittin’ words!]

          Total = 96.5

5.1 Sympathy for the Devil (Kripke)

Dean:  What the hell, keep our heads down, whatever, hey, stupid bastard, asshat, sons of bitches, cram it with walnuts, ugly; two-faced douche, jack squat, you dicks, son of a bitch, hey, bitch blood, yeah, right wavy gravy; thank god, angel condom (vessel), son of a bitch, eat me, big dicks, what the hell, screw him, screw [them], crap (adj), give 'em hell, crap, a snowball's chance, hell, man,

Sam:  Jeeze, hey, ass, meatsuit (posessed human), hey,

F&F: Bobby - Romeo (at Sam), ass, kid (at Sam), damn, snot-nosed son of a bitch, kick your friggin' ass, we're boned, nine kinds of crazy, boy x2 (at Dean and at Sam), damn (adj); Chuck - x the crap out of him, oh God; oh crap, sucks ass; Nick (pre-Luci) - man, why the hell; Meg (dark) - pain in the ass; Zachariah - Chucklehead, screwing around

Xtras: holy crap

Quantity –  55  

Variety –   4 [nice range from both Dean and F&F]  

Originality – 25  [asshat; cram it with walnuts, right wavy gravy, angel condom, nine kinds of crazy]

Sam vs Dean – 5/30  or 17

Family & Friends – 4 [nice quantity and variety, with some originality and group participation as well]

Xtras – 0 [boring really]

Impress me – 15  [Dean, of course, stood out again, but also this was a standout episode for Bobby, and Chuck because like 50% of his total episode lines counted]

         Total = 110

6.1 Exile on Main Street (Gamble)

Dean: crap (adj), chicks, dig (like), man, freakin', how the hell, [?] what the hell, c'mon x2, you gotta be kidding me, god knows why, sue me, damn, sons of bitches, stick my neck out, whatever, you bet,

Sam: Hey, crap, go gunnin' for (hunt), that's nasty,

F&F:   Bobby - dammit, mi casa es su casa, damn  

Xtras: thank god, what the hell, my god, shook loose, helluva, oh my god, you son of a bitch

Quantity –   30  

Variety –  2 [softer curses, common, some repetition – generally blah]    

Originality –  0 [not an danged thing new]

Sam vs Dean – 4/16  or 25

Family & Friends – 1 [only Bobby and lame showing]

Xtras – 3 [Better quantity than everyone but Dean, decent quality]

Impress me –  0 [for obvious reasons]

          Total = 61

 7.1 Meet the New Boss (Gamble)

Dean: this is nuts, c'mon x2, ah well; stick your neck out, figure it out, off the deep end, pissed, pray to god, kicked in the daddy pills, scuzzy, piece of…, thingy, hear us out, (X) is our bitch, both of you put your junk away, really?, crap, piehole, out of the cards, hey x2,

Sam: I guess (yes), seriously?, hey, friggin', crap, hey,  

F&F:  Bobby - diddly, c'mon, kid (Sam), sport (Sam), son of a bitch, Jenga (eureka); Cas - genitals, cannot abide, atone, unpleasant; Crowley - bollocks, jig is up, bend them right over, come on, giraffe (at Sam), mash us like peas; Death - you're joking, shut up; Lucifer - long time no spooning, right on, yank the wool off of your eyes

Xtras: heck, oh my god,

 Quantity –  49  

Variety –      3  [pulled up by some Dean inventiveness and the variety in F&F]

Originality – 10  [kicked in the daddy pills; long time no spooning ]

Sam vs Dean – 6/20 or 30

Family & Friends – 4 +1 [more than DEAN! And. Of course, Crowley’s imaginativeness, And Cas HAD some!]]

Xtras – 0 [Frickin’ BOring]

Impress me – 0  [Crowley was a near thing, but not really]

          Total = 97

8.1 We Need to Talk About Kevin (Carver)

Dean: you son of a bitch, you bastard, keep your nose clean, dammit, my ass, things got hairy towards the end, in the wind, turned tail on, knee deep in god's armpit, bully for you, damn, no signs of douchery, So what? You dropped your peanut butter in her chocolate?; 31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties, dental apocalypse (vamp), lookin' for a soul train, hey, wow, come sniffing around, I got bupkiss, sweet mother of god, come again?, wipe the slate clean, bastard, Spanky, by a long shot, jackass, hitting the head, helluva lot, beat a dead horse,

Sam: what the.., frickin', right, I did not have a roadmap (no clue), hey, throw a bitchfit, check this out, dude, it sucks, might suck, what the hell,

F&F: Crowley - Heavens no, sky's the limit, throw me a bone, hullo boys, moose (Sam), last time we danced (met), chop chop (hurry), meatsuit; Benny - what the hell, jackass, hump my soul (carry), howya holdin'up?,  keep your nose clean; Kevin - hell, eat me x2, what the hell,

Xtras: dude, bitch, dumbass

Quantity –    62

Variety –      5 [avg to strong performances from ALL involved, even the xtras]

Originality –  25 [knee deep in god's armpit; no signs of douchery; 31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties, dental apocalypse; hump my soul]

Sam vs Dean – 11/31  or 35

Family & Friends – 4 [good quantity variety and strength.]

Xtras – 1 [pretty basic]

Impress me – 10 [Dean, absolutely on this one; & Kevin – for eat me x2 said with absolute conviction]

          Total = 142

9.1 I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here (Carver)

Dean: whatever the hell, pissed at, we'll work it out, man, screw it, with ears on (listening), jimmied ourselves out, man, all due respect, don't be a pouter (speak up), son of a bitch, what the hell, hey, pissed, what the hell, dammit, whoa, give a damn, bite me, what the hell, you kidding me?, no way in hell, what the hell, dammit, dudn't mean squat, hell, hell no, angelic pacemaker, whoa, handsy, hell,

Sam: seriously? friggin' crapfest, shuttup (no/negative), the thing is, I bet you get off on this, what the hell, crap, we got work to do

F&F: Bobby - hell yes, you didn't do jack, suck as that may, idjits, basackwards crazy, son (Sam) x2; Cas – devote; Death - not my bag;

Xtras: what the hell x2

Quantity – 51    

Variety –  3 [lotta repetitive hell in this one, most not terribly strong, either]    

Originality –  15  [angelic pacemaker; friggin' crapfest; suck as that may]

Sam vs Dean – 9/31  or 29

Family & Friends – 3 [on the strength of Bobby alone, really]

Xtras – 0 [dull, dull, dull]

Impress me – 5 [Bobby (or Sam, however you want to think about it) for a dead guy with a small part, he was pretty verbally lively]

         Total = 106

10.1 Black (Carver)

Dean: oops, bitch, douche, you sold me out, you all suck, two-bit skank, sure as hell, knock yourself out, whatever jam he's in, damn sure,

Sam: you got it (yes), get this, jumped the gun, kick his butt, son of a bitch, meatsuit, what the hell, look buddy, turn tail, army recruiting ad that spit you out

F&F: Cas - I'm sensing awkardness, like a million dollars, put up much of a fight?; Crowley - you're budgin' it, moose x3, what's eating you up, out of your depth, what tickles me, what makes you lose your chickens, good luck with that, demon chum, does the tin man have a sheet metal willie?, fetid petri dish of broken dreams and beer, out with the club circuit and in with the stadium tour, my bad, midwifing you back to life; Cole - chicken wing (arm in sling), ass over teakettle, hurt like son of a bitch, I'm karma,

Xtras: eat me, jackass, douche, code brown moment, your funeral, screwed up

Quantity –  58

Variety –      4.5 [only because I’d like to see the variety more balanced among characters]

Originality –  25  [army recruiting ad that spit you out; what makes you lose your chickens; does the tin man have a sheet metal willie?; fetid petri dish of broken dreams and beer, code brown moment]

Sam vs Dean – 10/10  or 100

Family & Friends – 5+1  [Crowley, oh dear lord, was masterful, plus Cole was fun too. And Cas HAD some!]

Xtras – 4 [the Gas and Sip counter guy Rocked]

Impress me – 15 [Crowley OMG; the Gas and Sip counter guy xtra OMG, Sam – for EQUALING Demon!Dean in verbal skills this episode]

         Total = 212.5

11.1 Out of the Darkness and into the Fire (Carver)

Dean: What the hell, easy buddy, stay cool, heyx3, is this like a Magic Mike moment?, whoa, take it easy, everybody goes '28 days later'?, hell, like a sunnofa bitch, dudn't it, sumpin' straight, untenable, bite us in the ass, horse sense, we broke it we bought it, where the hell, defcon screwed, shove x up his ass, hell yes, farting sawdust, frickin', no way, c'mon x2, godspeed (good luck), screwy, kick her ass,

Sam: seriously? we know jack, you were on a roll, these things have a shelf life, hey, our crap, only half of the bumper sticker, hey, sons of bitches

F&F: Cas – transgressions; Crowley - you excrement, old school it is, daddy's home;

Xtras:  freaking out

Quantity –  43

Variety –    4 [actually quite a creative episode, verbally, with little repetition and not a lot of boring exclamations]  

Originality – 30  [is this like a Magic Mike moment; everybody goes '28 days later'; untenable;  defcon screwed ; farting sawdust ; only half of the bumper sticker]

Sam vs Dean – 9/29  or 31

Family & Friends – 1+1 [Because Cas]

Xtras – 0  [I mean, really]

Impress me – 5 [Dean kicked it for me this episode]

         Total = 115

12.1 Keep Calm and Carry On (Dabb)

Dean: flat on his ass, be pissed (mad), c'mon, new duds, whoa x7, hell yeah, what’s his face, bitch, (freak),

Sam: screw you, accent in a pantsuit, screw you, Screw.You., go to hell, screw you

F&F:  Mary - come again?,  sweetheart,

Xtras: Holy Mother…, hold up (wait), no way, were a bitch, chick, psycho, fricking, (demons): busted bitch, dude, gross,  posh spice ass

Quantity – 24

Variety –  3 [and not a 2 purely due to the xtras]    

Originality –  10 [accent in a pantsuit, posh spice ass]

Sam vs Dean – 6/15  or 40

Family & Friends – 1 [and not a 0 only because the way Mary says sweetheart to Baby melts me]

Xtras – 4 [good solid showing here]

Impress me – 10  [Sam – because, well Duh, Screw. You.  And the xtras]

          Total = 92

Conclusions:

In general, it looks like writers wanted to keep to at LEAST above 100 on the “@Durenjtmusings Verbal Inventiveness Rubric” for decent verbal variety in a script. Both Carver and Kripke were pretty good at this. Dabb should take note.

Ranking of episodes:

Worst - 6.1 Gamble – 61  (note that both Gamble’s scores were low – not judging, just holding it up for ridicule)

12.1 Dabb - 92

4.1 Kripke - 96.5

7.1 Gamble - 97

3.1 Kripke - 100

9.1 Carver - 106

5.1 Kripke - 110

11.1 Carver - 115

2.1 Kripke - 117.5

8.1 Carver & 1.1 Kripke – 142  (Both good showings, although I like 8.1 better, personally.)

Best - 10.1 Carver - 212.5 (Aaaaannd, Crowley wins this episode the trophy – who is surprised? Plus someone hire that Gas and Sip counter guy - comedy timing gold. Also, of note, Demon!Dean talked less, and less creatively -  letting his sneering and violence say everything for him, evidently. Because of this, however, Sam EQUALLED Dean for verbal inventiveness this episode, for perfect brother balance. Yea for the Mark.)

Bonus: Results Presented Chronologically – in case you care:

1.1 Kripke - 142

2.1 Kripke - 117.5

3.1 Kripke - 100

4.1 Kripke - 96.5

5.1 Kripke - 110

6.1 Gamble - 61

7.1 Gamble - 97

8.1 Carver - 142

9.1 Carver - 106

10.1 Carver - 212.5

11.1 Carver - 115

12.1 Dabb - 92

Final Thoughts: I have begun to note a number of fun cross-episode meta things – like Sam tends to echo expletives that someone else has already said in an episode, Angels are REALLY boring verbally except for Zachariah, and Dean is way more verbally creative when he’s just come back from exile (hell, purgatory, etc.) – but I’m holding on to this until I have more data on the 250+ episodes I have left to analyze.

Extra Credit for the Obsessed Experts: Go back over JUST Dean’s collected words and see how much of the episode you can visualize from his verbal creativeness alone.

Also - this was fun and I am clearly a compulsive academic…someone please stop me before it is too late.