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asimbelmyne · 7 years ago

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Dirtying the Paper

Fandom: Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi

Pairing: Kylo Ren/Rey

A03 Link

Summary: She wanted to run, to flee, to dive into the forest before he could say anything about the nature of her drawing, but his eyes continued to demand her attention, narrowed in scrutiny and naked in their sincerity, tracing the lines she had painstakingly scribbled across her sketchbook.

A/N: Welcome to the drawing AU no one asked for! It’s super long, so be prepared. I’ve put a piece of my heart into this. Be kind.

For Leann, who likes my writing but hates my trash.

Rey couldn't pinpoint the exact moment Ben's face had appeared in her sketchbook, but she knew that it had required little effort on her part, an act far too natural to be normal. Something in his eyes had captured her attention, a remote glow that reminded her of dappled sunshine, warm without really intending to be, struggling to make itself known. His stare gave voice to secrets he refused to entertain in the presence of anyone but himself, secure in the knowledge that his mouth would never betray his mind. He lived in blissful ignorance, purposely avoiding anything that threatened to crack his composure. His potential had been buried behind a sheet of glass so opaque she could hardly see through it, seeping into his irises like smoke, bleeding into brown, black, and white until nothing but passivity remained in its wake. Their interaction had been brief, but the look in his eyes lingered long after his back had faded into the distance, a blur of black surrounded by an endless expanse of green. Her sketchbook had captured the essence of his soul, rendering his eyes in muted tones of black and grey, colours she wished she hadn't used. Her pencil had seemed inadequate in the face of someone so brutally complicated.

She had always been fond of graphite, devoting hours to its use, sketching anything she could get her hands on, but Luke's lessons were of little consequence when it came to Ben. He encouraged her growth in artistry, but disliked anything that had to do with him. Ben's name had become as crude as a curse, immortalizing his egotism and destroying the solidarity his penchant for painting had provided. In his search for fame, Ben's love for art had been forgotten in favour of greed, lost somewhere in the throes of his paintbrush. Rey had never seen his work, but Luke would often speak of it in reverence, allowing the sheer memory of its beauty to saturate his words, imbuing his voice with colour, line, and light. She lived in Ben's shadow, evading his failures in an effort to assert her prowess as an artist, her resilience in the face of adversity, and her strength in defying his darkness, something she knew he'd never been able to fully accomplish. Her life as Luke's apprentice had never been difficult, but difficulty often arose in his inability to let his nephew's decline fade from memory. He continued to shoulder the weight of it, blaming himself when all else had failed, refusing to move beyond the mountain Ben had erected in his path.

Rey's time with Luke had provided her with enough knowledge of Ben's exploits to make her feel as though she had known him herself. Her curiosity had become immobilizing and she didn't really know why. She yearned to create something that would make Luke stare at her in the same way he'd reminisce about Ben's work, eyes glazed over in memory, alight with something akin to wonder, something she wished he'd bestow upon her drawings, her sketches, or even her paintings. That day had yet to pass, but Rey had grown used to waiting. She had been waiting for Luke's constructive criticism for many, many years. Her time had been spent in solitude, sitting amongst the trees at the edge of his estate, drawing until her fingers had turned black from exertion, practicing. She'd often draw the things she'd loved as a child, sketching familiar faces and places until they all seemed to meld together, forming one solid scene. Sometimes she'd see Jakku's barren fields, the shape of her father's mouth, or the delicate curve of her mother's eye. Everything seemed scattered, balanced precariously across her sketchbook like a constellation, never completely coherent. When Ben had appeared in the clearing for the first time, marching through the forest en route to Luke, she had seen something familiar reflected in his gaze, something she had only ever seen in herself.

He came and went after that like a storm, always predictable and always alight in anger. His eyes found a place in the blank spaces of her sketchbook, alike in some ways, but different in others. She could never get the shape right. His irises always ended up being a shade lighter than she preferred, brimming with emptiness, displaying a loneliness so acute that it made her heart ache in reciprocation, a look too sorrowful to belong on anyone's face. She felt as though she were doing him a great disservice.

It was then she'd stop.

Rey tucked her pencil behind her ear, chewing absentmindedly on her lower lip. Her sketchbook lay abandoned on the ground, far enough away to calm the tempest that raged in her heart. Ben had become an obsession, inching his way into her thoughts until he had taken root there, unfurling like a flower. She wished he hadn't broken Luke's heart. She had spent enough time with him to see how much Ben's actions had cut him to the core, mutilating his love for art and everything that had come with it. His teachings were tinged with guilt, saturating everything she had fought for and everything she had yet to accomplish, staining her work like blood, proof that he had been caught red-handed, immersed in his own personal ocean of grief. Rey could hardly grasp her pencil in his presence, let alone draw the things he wanted her to, but she continued to persevere, hoping beyond measure that her devotion would rekindle his former self. Ben had been Luke's greatest student, but had become his greatest regret. She hated him for destroying everything Luke had embodied, but pitied his lack of judgement, his disregard of self, and his stupidity for allowing avarice consume everything that had made him human. His artwork had been beautiful once, pure of heart. She didn't want to know what it had become.

Rey closed her eyes, withdrawing her hair from the nape of her neck, pilling it atop her head in a series of messy knots. Her pencil was jostled from its roost above her ear. She swore out loud, muttering something incomprehensible under her breath, seeking purchase where there was none, freezing in terror. Ben had returned from his visit with Luke. He stood several feet away from her, pencil in hand, staring at her sketchbook with a look on his face that resembled curiosity. His mouth was pressed into a hard line, a line that vocalized everything she knew him to be feeling. She wanted to run, to flee, to dive into the forest before he could say anything about the nature of her drawing, but his eyes continued to demand her attention, narrowed in scrutiny and naked in their sincerity, tracing the lines she had painstakingly scribbled across her sketchbook. When he looked up, staring at her for the first time since their encounter weeks prior, a part of her heart hitched in rhythm, forcing the air from her lungs. Her desire to flee disappeared.

"Your shading is wrong," he said, gripping her sketchbook tighter between his hands. "My eyes are darker than this, but I doubt you'd know that."

"It's nothing. Give it back."

"Nothing? That's an understatement."

The urge to run returned in full force, pulling at her conscience like a string. Ben had become a ghost, stripped bare of meaning, seeping into her bones like lead, weighing her down and siphoning her strength. Rey lived in a storm of his making, one that continued to persist, bouncing from place to place like a ball, always in motion. He stuck out like a sore thumb, a problem that continued to grow, bleeding across her vision like Jakku, a colourless void of brown, red, and black, draining her dry. Instead of avoiding her, he had chosen to linger. His proximity made her uncomfortable. The look in his eyes sent chills down her spine, staining her cheeks until they were as red as her lips, stretching across shoulders, arms, and chest until she looked as flushed as an apple. She could see why Luke had grown angry with him. His capacity to sympathize had become a withered thing, weak in comparison to his love of self, spoiling everything that would have made him a great man. His conceit was as obvious as the freckles scattered across his pale face, a poison that threatened to swallow his mouth, his nose, and the emotional integrity she'd seen in his eyes.

"I'll pry it from your hands if I have to," she persisted angrily, infiltrating his space.

His smile was unexpected, yet there in its entirety. "I'd like to see you try."

"I seriously doubt that."

"Do you?" he asked, allowing his eyes to flit across her face. "I wouldn't be surprised if you did."

"It's my sketchbook."

"Finders keepers," he said, his voice a low timbre. "I take what I want."

Rey didn't know how to respond to his suggestion. She stared into his eyes until he had grown quiet, searching for cracks in her composure, cracks she'd never let him see. His gaze was intense, the stare of an artist skilled enough to see inside of her heart, but not skilled enough to stay there. Unlike Ben, Rey had lived a life of devoid of colour, a life filled with greys as lifeless as rainclouds, untouched by light, empathy, and art. Luke's compassion had taught her many things, strengthening her constitution, reinforcing her belief in humanity, and changing her outlook on life. Her inner world had always been vibrant. When she looked into Ben's eyes, she caught a glimpse of the man he had been, and the man he could become. He was beautiful, unfolding before her like a map, a map he had hidden so far inside of himself that he had forgotten where it had gone. His heart was as resilient as his soul, made to endure, made to last, and made to love. He had lived so long in ignorance, ascending somewhere beyond Luke's frustrating cynicism in an attempt to become his own person, misplacing his love for art along the way. If he was a monster, so was she.

"Not everything," she said at last, wishing he had the courage to simply be himself. "There are some things you don't have the strength to take."

When Rey saw Ben again, his eyes were the colour of autumn leaves, flashing like bits of amber in the storm they had found themselves in, softening the sharp panes of his face until he seemed to blend into the background. She had tucked her pencil behind her ear as an afterthought, admiring the shape of his figure against the blackened sky, clutching her sketchbook against her chest in an attempt to ward off her thoughts. She had bought herself a new one, but it lacked character. Her encounter with Ben had left her restless. She didn't know how to let his words go, how to ignore everything he'd said and everything he'd intended to do, afraid of what it may have meant to her and to him. He was a mess, a puzzle left unattended, waiting for someone brave enough to put each piece back into place without flinching. Rey was afraid of what she had seen in him. Her hands shook in anticipation, thrumming with an energy that rivalled the distant sound of thunder and the steady beat of her heart, pounding through her veins like a drug, heightening her senses. She reached up with one hand, pulling her hair up and over her head, tying it in place. This time, her pencil stayed where it was. He moved so that he was standing in front of her, standing so close that she could hear the way his breath hitched, whistling through his lips like the wind, brushing across her face.

"You need a teacher," he said, sharing her air. "I can help you."

"I have Luke. He's always been enough."

His eyes flashed again, this time in anger. "You're wasting your potential."

"Am I?" she asked, digging her nails into sketchbook. "I'd rather break my wrist than go anywhere with you."

"Is that what you really think?" he demanded, staring into her eyes. "Ah, it is."

"Don't look at me like that!"

"Like what? Like I know you? I'm not blind, Rey. We're alike and you can't even see it."

"You're nothing like me," she cried, sounding angrier than she felt. "You abandoned your family!"

His stare grew more intense, a silent challenge she refused to acknowledge. His life had become meaningless, a cautionary tale Luke had been desperate to weave into her lessons, something she had taken to heart in an attempt to please him. She didn't know who Ben was, what he had been like as a child, or why he had strayed so far from his path in life. She had grown to understand his loneliness from sheer circumstance alone, but had neglected to realize that their struggles had often been the same. The reality of his words hurt more than their implications, bruising her heart and everything she had placed inside of it. Her love for Luke seemed tainted, tarnished at the edges, black where it had once been white. She couldn't forgive herself. Her betrayal would break his heart, ruining everything she had worked towards, everything he had taught her, and everything they had achieved together.

"Join me," Ben pleaded, curling a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "You don't have to be alone anymore."

Her response was swallowed by the sound of thunder.

When Rey saw Ben for the last time, he had brought her sketchbook with him. She had left hers behind, stowed safely in the shelter of Luke's hands, a promise made of graphite, pulp, and integrity. She would return one day, with or without his nephew, but had grown to understand that her place in his life had been overshadowed by Ben's betrayal. Luke needed time to heal, and she needed time to figure out who she wanted to be. For the first time in her life, Rey could see bits of blue beyond the storm she'd lived in, peeking through the clouds in an effort to be seen. It had always been there. She would have smiled if it weren't for the look on Ben's face, a mix between anger and remorse, as if he knew exactly what she was doing and why. She wished he'd understand, but they had grown beyond compassion, beyond conceit, and beyond their playful animosity. When she looked into his eyes, she saw him for what he was. He was simply Ben.

"You're leaving," he stated sharply, filling her space. "Why?"

She smiled, but it was a bitter thing, filled with words she'd never say out loud. "You may have taken my sketchbook, but I won't let you take my heart too."

She wanted to draw the look on his face, how his mouth had fallen open in shock and how his soul had taken flight, breaking free from the cage he'd locked it in for so long. In the span of a heartbeat, Ben had become the man she'd seen in the storm, raw in his sincerity, wishing she'd take his hand. His fingers curled across her cheek in an attempt to still her thoughts, pulling her close enough to see the flecks of gold in his eyes, close enough to feel his warmth stretching across her skin like the sun, and close enough to taste his breath, swallowing her whole. He was a broken man, incomplete in more ways than one. She wished he'd find it in himself to forget, moving forward until his past had become one solid blur, embracing his future instead of lingering in places too dark and too cold to provide closure.

"Don't go," he whispered, brushing his lips against her own, a ghost of a kiss.

Rey pulled away, gripping the edge of her sketchbook until it slipped from his fingers.

"Goodbye, Ben," she said, looking into his eyes one last time.

His fingers fell from her face but his warmth remained, a permanent reminder of everything she'd lost.

Rey opened her sketchbook several days later in the window seat of a train on its way to France, far away from Luke's lessons and Ben's piercing stare. She had pulled her hair into a low-lying bun, allowing it to rest against her neck in an attempt to protect her pencil's place above her ear, prepared to draw for the first time in many weeks. What she saw embedded into its pages broke her heart.

She saw herself, a mess of colour, line, and light so vibrant and so beautiful that she nearly cried, sinking into her seat until she thought it would swallow her whole.

It had required little effort on his part. He had taken everything she hadn't already been willing to give.

#ben solo #kylo ren #rey #reylo #reylo trash #star wars #Star Wars Fic #the last jedi #alternate universe #i am trash #fanfiction #a03 #a03 fic #fanfic #star wars the last jedi #reyben #rey x kylo ren #rey x ben #reylo fic

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garywonghc · 7 years ago

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The Practice of Avalokiteshvara

by Yangthang Rinpoche

The essence of the mind of all the buddhas and bodhisattvas is the bodhichitta, the awakened mind. When this bodhichitta assumes a form, it appears as Chenrezig, Avalokiteshvara.

Whenever we practice Avalokiteshvara, the most important aspect of the practice is the generation and development of the bodhichitta, which is the compassion that Avalokiteshvara experiences for all sentient beings. So, if we also generate this same compassion, this same awakened mind, it will be very easy for us to accomplish Avalokiteshvara because the essence of Avalokiteshvara is the bodhichitta. Thus, the blessings and the results will be very swift.

Avalokiteshvara has many different emanations and many different names, but essentially they are one essence, which is the bodhichitta, the nature of the mind of all buddhas. He appears in a peaceful manifestation, an increasing manifestation, and a wrathful manifestation. He appears in different colours — sometimes white, sometimes red. Sometimes he appears with one thousand eyes and one thousand arms, sometimes with one head and four arms, sometimes with one head and two arms, and often holding different types of hand implements. He is sometimes referred to as “Thugje Chenpo,” which means the “One of Great Compassion.” He is given this name because it is considered that he is the very force of the compassion of all the buddhas and bodhisattvas, the embodiment of the power of that compassion. He is also called “Chenrezig,” which means the “One Who Sees all Sentient Beings Equally and Simultaneously and is Always Aware of Them and Their Needs.”

His consideration of sentient beings is all encompassing and constant. He is also sometimes referred to as “Jigten Wangchuk” because, until the three realms of cyclic existence are emptied from their depths, from his concerned activity he will appear in any way and in all ways. He will emanate completely and all-pervasively to make connections with and liberate sentient beings throughout the three realms. Thus, he is called the “One Who has Power Over the World.” These different names refer to the one deity, Avalokiteshvara. They are but different names for different emanations of the same single essence.

To explain it from the point of view of the three kayas, in the dharmakaya nature Avalokiteshvara is Buddha Amitabha, in the sambhogakaya he is Nam Nang Den So, and in the nirmanakya he is Chenrezig, who appears both peacefully and wrathfully. In the peaceful expression he appears with one thousand arms and one thousand eyes, or with one head and four arms. In the wrathful expression he appears as Hayagriva. The wrathful expression is simply an intense expression of utter compassion that is necessary to tame the minds of beings who cannot be tamed through peaceful methods. Hayagriva also appears in many different emanations, sometimes with nine heads and eighteen arms, sometimes with three heads and six arms, sometimes with one head and two arms, sometimes red in colour, sometimes black. When Avalokiteshvara appears as the protector, the dharmapala, he is the primordial wisdom protector Mahakala with six arms. When he appears as a wealth deity, he is the white Dzambhala.

All of these various expressions are but different methods that the expression of the mind‘s compassion manifests to accomplish the needs and the purpose of all sentient beings. And because the numberless sentient beings are themselves different from each other, many countless, different methods are necessary. In fact, there are so many methods that if I were to explain them all we would run out of time before I could finish and you would all become quite tired. In short, the number of manifestations of this deity is inconceivable, yet they are all nothing other than the mind of compassion, the expression of the great bodhichitta.

Therefore, we can say that, in a sense, more than accomplishing any other deity, to accomplish Avalokiteshvara alone is sufficient, because Avalokiteshvara is the essence of the mind of all buddhas and thus the essence of all deities. Furthermore, Avalokiteshvara is quite easy to accomplish. It is taught that if one practices Avalokiteshvara very well, for six months without interruption, then one will certainly have a sign of accomplishment. There is no way that there could not be a sign of accomplishment. This means that one will have a direct vision of Chenrezig or some other sign of accomplishment. Also, it is very easy to recite the mantra, “OM MANI PEME HUNG.” It comes quite naturally for everyone. Buddha Shakyamuni said that of all the different recitations, there is no greater benefit to be derived from any recitation other than the recitation of “OM MANI PEME HUNG,” the mani mantra. Of all practices that are based on recitation, this is the most powerful, the most beneficial.

To accomplish any other meditational deity we must know how to accomplish the generation and the completion stage, we must know how to perform the sadhana correctly, we must know how the practice is put together, we must know how to construct the mandala, and we must know many other things that can actually be quite difficult and complicated — just to accomplish the deity. But the accomplishment of Avalokiteshvara is quite different in that none of this is necessary.

There was a lama in eastern Tibet who was known as the “mani lama” because the only practice he did was Avalokiteshvara. He said that even when one is experiencing desire, or any of the other poisons, like jealousy or aggression, when negativity is arising in the mind, one can still practice Avalokiteshvara and recite “OM MANI PEME HUNG.” In other words, one doesn’t have to put the practice aside or transform the poison or do any other such thing, because the practice itself simply eliminates the conflicting emotions. This is because the six syllables of the mani mantra have the power to eliminate the six conflicting emotions, which are lack of awareness (delusion), pride, aggression, attachment, jealousy, and avarice. The six syllables also have the specific power to close the door to rebirth in the six realms of existence because each and every sentient being in all the six realms, without exception, has in its body six syllables that correspond to rebirth in the six realms. The cause of wandering in cyclic existence is due to the condition of the presence of those six syllables.

When you recite “OM MANI PEME HUNG,” the six syllables of Avalokiteshvara, it is important to understand that they have the power to subjugate and eliminate the ordinary samsaric six syllables, thus obstructing or closing the doors to rebirth in the six classes. That is one specific power of the mani mantra. Also, in this very lifetime, simply reciting “OM MANI PEME HUNG” will eliminate illness, disease, and demonic force possession. One will become happy and peaceful and fully endowed. Reciting it will enhance one’s power to meditate and one will develop deeper levels of meditative absorption in this lifetime that will carry over into future lifetimes. At the time of death one will not have to take rebirth in the three lower realms and will instead be reborn in Dewachen, the Western Pure Land of Great Bliss, or in Avalokiteshvara’s own pure realm of Riwo Potala, and there one will gradually achieve the status of buddhahood. Until that time, the blessing and the power of one’s practice will not be exhausted; it will continue to produce the result of enlightenment.

Avalokiteshvara is truly unlike any other deity. Many people are attracted to the wrathful deities, like Vajrakilaya, Hayagriva, Guru Dragpo, and so forth, and want to accomplish them, but unless one knows very well and exactly how to practice the generation and completion stage inner tantric practices of the wrathful deities, it is very difficult to accomplish them. Avalokiteshvara, however, is very simple to accomplish, and the mani mantra is very easy to recite. So keep these things in mind.

There are many who think that the Avalokiteshvara practice and the mani mantra are just for simple folks and children and old people, not for real practitioners and scholars. This attitude is based on ignorance; it is absolutely mistaken. In fact, of all deities, Avalokiteshvara is the principal deity and the most important. This is true today and it was true in the past, during the time of the great panditas and mahasiddhas of India, almost all of whom achieved their realisation through their practice of Avalokiteshvara. Each and every one of them had visions of Avalokiteshvara, and it was through those visions that they received their spiritual attainments and realisations. And in Tibet, especially, all the greatest masters had the strongest connection with Avalokiteshvara. They had visions of Avalokiteshvara, they were given prophetic indications from Avalokiteshvara directly, and it was through Avalokiteshvara that they achieved spiritual realisations.

The blessings of accomplishing Avalokiteshvara are extremely great. Have no doubt about this. To recite even just one round of the mani mantra is of tremendous benefit, inconceivable benefit. To pray to Avalokiteshvara from the depths of one’s heart and recite the mantra is truly a very profound practice in itself. If you pray to Avalokiteshvara regularly, and recite the six-syllable mantra as much as you can, it is absolutely certain that when you pass from this life you will not take rebirth in the lower realms. So, consider this and incorporate the practice into your life.

You should see all appearances as the form of Avalokiteshvara, you should hear all sound as the speech of Avalokiteshvara, which is the six-syllable mantra, and you should consider that all arising thoughts are the mind of Avalokiteshvara. You should have compassion and loving kindness for all living beings without exception, from the tiniest insect to the largest being, because all of them, just as you do, wish to be happy and have a desire to experience bliss. Not a single one of them wishes to suffer. So, it is important to always have loving kindness for all sentient beings, maintain the threefold state of pure awareness, and recite “OM MANI PEME HUNG” as much as possible.

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