#the cas playlist is by far the worst

[lovealwayssay]

I have Spotify playlists dedicated to Sam, Dean, Cas, and Destiel. Please listen to/follow them if you’d like. Forewarning, they’re about 20% Taylor Swift, 15% Pheobe Bridgers, and 10% Ethel Cain.

Sam

Dean

Cas

Destiel

[arjwrites]

— Good to know bc im here to request another Castiel x Winchester!reader (oldest sister) hehehehe...

Remember when Castiel became a human and that reaper April used him? I was thinking about the reader in her place, where she ACTUALLY likes Cas and takes care of him. The reader really loves him and doesn't care that he's a human now with no angel powers, he's still the man/angel she loves and care (I'm still mad that Dean kicked Cass out of the bunker)

It's his first time being human, he deserves some love 😞 (And I rlly need some comfort aughhh)

I think I wrote too much, sorry! It's just that I really love human Castiel, he deserved more ❤️‍🩹 — 👼 angel anon

Lessons on Humanity- Human!Castiel x Reader

Summary: Human!Cas arrives on your doorstep in need of a helping hand. Taking him under your wing, you offer him more than he bargained for.

Warnings: None (I don't think???) GN!Reader, no use of Y/N

Word Count: 3.9k

A/N: Well, this took forever. Idk why this gave me the WORST case of writer's block ever, but.... I think I just wanted it to be perfect for you, angel anon!!! I hope you enjoy hehehehehe <3333

Leaving hunting behind had been a tough decision, but leaving your brothers and Castiel behind had been even harder. But after all the years, your body screamed for rest, and your heart mourned the years of loss and trauma. It wasn’t like you had completely up and abandoned them- you still took their calls, visited the bunker from time to time, and took on many a research request (which had always been your specialty anyways). But you had grown so tired of the life. And as much as moving into the bunker had been a massive improvement from the endless series of motel rooms you’d grown up with, living in a concrete man-cave with your brothers had proven difficult. And you had always craved a home- somewhere that could be uniquely yours. This had led you to settle down into a sweet cottage, a bit off the beaten path in a quaint little town- not too far from the bunker, but far enough. It was cozy, nothing fancy by any means- two small bedrooms, a slightly outdated kitchen, and a snug little living room you had furnished with thrifted couches and a secondhand TV. What it lacked in elegance, it made up for in character. It wasn’t much, but it was home.

It was a Friday night. You had just gotten off work, ordered a pizza, popped your favorite playlist in your speakers, and were currently dancing around and vacuuming your living room. Ah, domesticities. It was always a nice feeling to be done for the weekend, to have a job you could hang up for a few days and not worry about until Monday morning rolled around. Not like hunting, with its worries that clung tight to you all hours of every day. After finishing your cleaning task, you flopped to the couch, clicking through the TV to find a suitable show to binge alongside your food. 

Two crisp knocks at the door pulled you from your search. That was quick, you thought to yourself. You practically skipped to the kitchen to grab your purse, wanting to hand the delivery driver a few extra dollars for the particularly speedy service. But when you swung the door open, more than just the chilly evening air sent a wave of shock your way. 

“Oh my God,” was about all you could whisper. In front of you stood Castiel, though he didn’t look much like his usual self. He wore a sweatshirt you didn’t recognize and had a slightly unkempt, unshaven look to him. But beyond his appearance, it didn’t feel like Cas. His shoulders were slumped over as if he was carrying the weight of them for the first time. He wore an expression so tired, so hurt, that your heart broke at the sight of it. 

“Cas, honey. What happened?” 

“I don’t have my grace. I… lost it. They told me I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to bother you, but… I didn’t know where else to go.” 

“Oh, Cas. Come in, God, come in.” Your brow furrowed as you gestured for him to enter, concern filling your body. What had you missed? Why didn’t he have his grace? Why wasn’t he with Sam and Dean?

Cas gingerly stepped through your door, barely making it inside the threshold before turning to you, as if he was waiting to follow your lead.

“Come, come sit,” you beckoned him after you, leading him into the living room and patting a seat for him on the couch. He sat, glancing around your room before landing his gaze back to you. You could tell there was something different about him- it was like he was seeing everything around him for the first time. 

“So tell me what happened, Cas,” you hummed, gathering every ounce of soothing calm you could muster in hopes you could offer him some comfort.

Cas jumped into his story, telling you all about Metatron, the angels, and him losing his grace- all the things you had missed out on since stepping back from hunting. You nodded along, listening intently, compassionately, quietly- that is, until he told you about the events that lead him to your doorstep.

“He kicked you OUT?” You rose to your feet as he said this, unable to contain your anger in your seated posture. You felt the rage bubble from the deepest part of your stomach, rising quickly to your chest. Poor, sweet Castiel, who tries so hard and deserves so much. Cast out like he was nothing. It was enough to drive you into a blind rampage. Cas, on the other hand, remained seated, eyes fixed to the carpet, dejected. 

“I just don’t know what to do. I have all these… feelings I’m not used to.” 

“Of course you don’t, honey. It’s all so new. I’ll help you figure things out, alright?” You thought for a moment about what may be most urgent. “Cas, how long have you been human for?”

“Well, a few days now.”

“And have you eaten? Drank water? Slept?” 

“I had a candy bar.” 

“Oh, you poor thing, Cas. Look… Sit tight, I’m going to get you a glass of water, and I have food on the way. Do you like pizza? No, you don’t know if you like pizza, do you…” You let your voice trail off as you hustled to the kitchen, fixing him a glass of water and returning it to him hastily. 

Cas lifted the glass, inspecting it, before tipping it back and downing it in one go. You watched the water slide out of the cup, disappearing down his throat in record time. There was one basic need supported. 

“Alright, Cas, why don’t you sit there and relax for a little? I’m going to go make up the guest bedroom for you. Is that alright?” You tilted your head to the side to better gauge his thoughts on the matter. Cas returned you a soft smile and nodded. You let out a subtle puff of breath in relief before retreating up the stairs. 

As you grabbed bedding from the linen closet and began to stretch the fitted sheet over the mattress, you couldn’t help but allow your body to take over the menial routine, while your mind fluttered off elsewhere. The angry pit in your stomach persisted, a deepening disgust for the way the angel had been treated, including by your brothers, of all people. But nestled in your chest above your swirling stomach sat your heart, which swelled at the thought of Cas, here with you. In all honesty, he had always meant a lot to you. You had so much admiration, so much reverence for the angel- of course, now that he wasn’t exactly an angel, that didn’t change anything. That was never what it was about. You saw deeper than just Cas’s angelic power- you saw him. Grace or not, there was no changing that. This was still the same angel, the same man, the same being you had always known. Only now, he really needed someone to be there for him. And you intended to do that- slowly, surely, gently. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of your name being called from down the stairs. Instantly, your mind snapped to the worst-case scenario- call it a lingering hunter’s instinct. You raced down the stairs, only to find Cas perched on the couch, exactly where you had left him.

“Someone knocked on the door,” he whispered wide-eyed, as if it was some sort of intruder behind the door, waiting politely to be let in so he could go about his business.

You breathed a sigh of relief, willing yourself not to get frustrated at the poor man- he had no idea. Scared, lost, confused Castiel. 

“It’s just the pizza, sweetheart. Don’t worry,” you replied, giving him a soft smile of encouragement. 

With the pizza paid for, food on your plates, and your favorite mindless comfort show on TV, you and Cas began to settle in for the night. You and Cas. It was insane to see the angel in such a domestic setting. The two of you were sat at opposite ends of the couch, nibbling pizza in silent unison. You weren’t sure what to do or say, overwhelmed by Cas’s newfound presence, heartbroken by the things he had experienced, and overall just worried for his wellbeing. But, out of fear of pushing his limits- he had already been through so much the last few days- you fell into a comfortable silence that padded the space between you. 

That silence was broken by a yawn coming from the other end of the couch. Cas’s face contorted in a decidedly un-angelic expression, before drawing inwards in confusion. A giggle inched its way towards your lips, but you suppressed it.

“You must be tired, Cas. Let’s go up to bed,” you hummed. Quickly and efficiently, you snapped off the TV, balanced your drinking glasses and plates on top of the pizza box, and slid everything into its rightful place in the kitchen. Re-emerging to the living room, you extended a hand to Cas, pulling him up to his feet before turning to lead him up the stairs. 

“This is your room, over here,” you pointed, ducking in the door to show him around. You snapped the bedside lamp on to illuminate the space. “The bathroom is just down the hall if you need to use it. And my room is just next door, if you need anything at all.” 

Cas’s eyes scanned the room before settling back on you. He threw a tight-lipped smile, murmuring his thanks. He was bashful, certainly overwhelmed by the avalanche of human emotion and sensation he was experiencing. You really didn’t want to push it, but there was one more thing you wanted to offer him. 

Crossing the room, you pulled Cas into a hug. You felt his hands hover for a moment before he rested them across the middle of your back.

“I’m sorry, Cas. You didn’t deserve any of this. But I’m here to help you, whatever you need, okay? You deserve to have someone be there for you.” It was a desperate plea for the man to recognize his self-worth, to provide him with a bit of comfort during this terrifying transition. Your words weighed heavy in the room, anticipating a response that never came. But, you could’ve sworn you felt Cas’s shoulders dip and the muscles of his back soften into the hug. 

After a minute, you pulled away, snapping back to your lighthearted self. You wished the man a good night, retreating from the room and closing the door behind you. Crossing the hall and tucking yourself into bed, it wasn’t long before you drifted to sleep.

-

You rose early the next morning. Usually, you would stroll downstairs in your bathrobe or whatever mismatched pajamas you slept in, but this morning you hopped in the shower straight away, dressing and fixing your hair. Once you made your way down to the kitchen, you got to work pulling together a breakfast you thought Cas would enjoy- pancakes, bacon, and some fruit, all while brewing a pot of coffee. You weren’t sure he’d have much of a taste for it yet, but you certainly were in need of a cup. 

As you neared the end of your preparation, you heard the guest bedroom door swing open. Cas descended the stairs into the kitchen, somehow looking slightly more disheveled than when he had arrived on your doorstep the night before.

“Good morning, sunshine!” You offered, hoping he would take it in jest.

“Hello,” he responded. His eyes were puffed with sleep, his hair stuck up in every possible direction, face dotted with yesterday’s stubble that was inching into scruffy beard territory. Looking at him was a clear reminder that you needed to help him figure out how to clean himself up today. 

“How’d you sleep, hun?” In any other conversation, this would be a simple pleasantry, but in this case, it was an earnest inquiry.

“Not well. I think I had a dream. It was terrible,” he replied. His gaze remained vacant.

“A dream?” You thought for a moment- was it the sensation of dreaming that he wasn’t used to? Or was it a nightmare? “Tell me about it, Cas.”

“Well, I don’t remember a lot of it. I just remember I was running. And when I woke up, my heart was pounding and I was sweating and I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t actually run- just in the dream.” 

“Oh, Cas, honey, you had a nightmare.” You approached him, reaching up a hand to run a thumb over his stubbled cheek. “If that ever happens again, you can always come into my room. I’m right next door.”

“How will that help?” He inquired.

“Well, sometimes it’s nice to talk about it, if you want. Or, sometimes it’s just nice to be around someone else, so you don’t feel like you’re facing it alone.”

His nod in response sent a surge of care through your body. Rather than sitting there, gushing over him, you figured you’d channel your worry into something productive- getting him fed. 

“Well, I made some breakfast. Have a seat, I’ll make you a plate.”

You pulled out a chair for him at the table, gesturing for him to sit down, before scrambling to pull together a plate piled high with a stack of pancakes, a few slices of bacon, and some strawberries and bananas you had carefully sliced. You rested the plate in front of him, giving him a minute to inspect it, before returning to grab food for yourself. 

“Well, what do you think? I figured chocolate chip pancakes would be a safe bet. Everyone likes chocolate chip pancakes.”

Castiel clumsily sliced another bite from the pancake, lifting it to his mouth. He chewed pensively, mulling over the question.

“How do I know if I like it?” 

You thought for a moment.

“Good question. Does it make you feel happy?”

He nodded. “I think so.”

“Well, Cas, I think you’ll find that one of the great joys of humanity is the opportunity to figure out what makes you happy. We don’t get a lot of say in what goes on down here, but we do get to pick our favorite foods, favorite colors, favorite people, and fill our lives with those. It’s the small pleasures that make the difference.”

He considered your words for a moment, before spearing another bite with his fork. You giggled to yourself. It was adorable to watch him navigate the things you took for granted with so much fascination and uncertainty- something as small as taking a bite of food required all of his concentration and contemplation.

As you sipped your coffee, you considered the task that lay before you. It was your job to teach Cas how to be human- something you wouldn’t necessarily call yourself an expert on. With hunting dominating your upbringing and occupation thus far, you certainly hadn’t had the normal human experience. But you took the challenge in stride, knowing that Cas had much to learn. 

-

Saturday had come and gone. You had spent the entire day teaching Cas a crash course in human life skills, covering important topics like brushing your teeth (which proved more difficult than you thought it would be), remembering to drink water (you struggled with this yourself most of the time), shopping (the two of you thrifted him a whole wardrobe), and anything else you could think of as you went about your usual routine. 

As the day wound down, you and Cas sat on your back porch. The emerging twilight buzzed, and a warm breeze filtered through the trees and wrapped itself around the two bodies curled up in the lawn chairs. You were tired, he was tired, so another comfortable silence had settled into its now familiar place between the two of you. You could faintly hear the sound of children laughing and a mother calling after them, voices muffled by the distance that separated you from these neighbors down the street. You smiled to yourself, and Cas took notice. 

“Thank you for helping me today,” he offered hesitantly, as if afraid to disturb your thoughts.

“Anytime, Cas.” You were still a bit lost in thought as you responded.

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Why does being human feel so… Heavy?”

There was something about his tone of voice that snapped you out of your daze. Turning to him, you instantly recognized the worry that was weighing on him. 

“I just… I used to be a soldier. I had divine purpose. I’ve always had something to work towards, and now… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“Life is a complicated thing, Cas. Most people spend an entire lifetime figuring out their purpose. You may be thousands of years old, but you’ve only been doing the whole human thing for a few days. Be patient with yourself.” 

“You seem to handle it all pretty well. Leaving hunting, making a life for yourself. You have it all figured out,” he frowned.

“Want to know a secret?”

He nodded, silently, eagerly. 

“I’m not handling it well. And I don’t have it all figured out. Nobody does. That’s the whole game. That’s life. You take what you’re given and you do what you can with it. But the beauty is, you get to choose.” 

“How do I know what to choose?” 

You smiled in spite of yourself. 

“That’s the big question. No one knows what’s right for you except you.” 

Cas’s hand reached across to yours, giving it a squeeze that sent your heart aflutter. Fingers intertwined, you settled back into the evening, pensive.  

- 

Sleep that night hadn’t come easy by any means. What had started as worry had now spiraled into full-on anxiety, warding you away from slipping into sleep. Each time you closed your eyes, your mind drifted down the hall to Castiel, separated from you by nothing more than a dozen footsteps and couple pieces of drywall. It was as if you could feel his inner turmoil. And beyond that, your heart ached for the man. All you wanted to do was go to him, be with him, comfort him. But the fear that you were taking advantage of his newly human state still plagued you, so you lingered rigid and sleepless in your bed. Just as you rolled over to attempt comfort and hopefully find some sleep, there was the faintest knock at your door- so quiet, you barely registered it. 

At first, you weren’t sure if you had actually heard the sound, but when the noise was followed by slow footsteps shuffling away, you snapped up in bed.  

“Cas! Come in,” you called. After a second, the door swung open.

“I had another one. A nightmare.” Cas spoke matter of factly, and yet, very soft and reserved. He lingered in your doorway, timid, waiting for you to give your blessing on his entrance.

“Oh, come in, sweetheart. Come sit.” You patted the space beside you, the noise muffled by the thick, fluffy comforter. Cas made his way into a seated position on the bed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you asked, hesitant to pry but insistent on providing support.

“No.” His response was tense and succinct without being rude- you knew he was processing a lot of feelings, and wanted to give him grace.

“That’s okay. Would you like some time to think through it? Or would you like to be distracted?” 

“I’m not sure.”

“Take your time. I’m here.” 

There was a beat of silence. Giving him space was your top priority, as much as you wanted to leap across the bed and into his arms. 

“Maybe, distracted?”

“Sure thing. I’ll put on a movie, we can watch for a bit.” You snatched the remote from the table beside you, flipping through a few movies you thought Cas may enjoy, before settling on a lighthearted Disney movie. Your finger pressed play and adjusted the volume to a dull hum. 

You watched for a while in silence. As the movie was picking up, breaking out into a cheerful musical number, your eyes darted to Cas. Expecting to see him enamored by the animated wonderland, you were taken aback when his eyes locked with yours instantly. It was like he had been looking at you the whole time. 

“Hey, Cas.” He wouldn’t look away, and the eye contact was entrancing.

“Hi.” His voice was gruff, a mix of sleep and something else you weren’t entirely sure of, though you were starting to get an idea. 

“How are you doing?” 

“Better, now. Because I’m with you.” His words sent a wave of warmth through your body as you felt yourself inching closer to him, subconsciously. Clearly, he felt the same pull, as you both shifted to face each other directly. 

“Can I ask you about another feeling?” He was usually bashful with his questions, but this time, his voice was steady. His eyes were fixed on you with an almost palpable intensity, a kind of focus that made you fidget, suddenly so aware of yourself. 

“Of course,” you responded. He was now just inches away from your face. 

“What is this feeling I get when I’m this close to you?” His words were slow and genuine, and yet in some ways, it seemed like he already knew.

“What do you mean?” 

“It feels a lot like the nightmare. My heart beats fast and I can’t breathe. But it’s… Different. It’s good. I like it.” His eyes flickered as the words melted you.

He was so close to your face you could feel each breath tickle your nose and lips, as if pressing gentle precursors to tease you into taking the next step.

“Can I try something else you might like?” You could barely speak above a whisper.

He began to nod, lifting his head, but before he could complete the motion, all your defenses came crashing down, and you melted together- lips and limbs intertwining as one. And for the first time since becoming human, Castiel truly felt peace.

-

There’s something special about humanity. Sure, it has its ups and downs. There’s pain, fear, grief, death. Cas knew all those things already. They were what scared him most when he lost his grace. But he could have never known this, without experiencing it for himself. 

The early hours of the morning crept into the bedroom. Everything about the room was warm and soft- a kind of heaven that rivaled even the real thing. Cas watched as the rays of sun slipped through the window to kiss your skin softer, sweeter, more intimately than he ever had. Yet. 

There were many things about being human he hadn’t been prepared for. He had lost purpose, drive, direction. When he was first stripped of his grace, it had felt like his newfound heartbeat was mocking him with every pulse. But now? That heart served to pump more than just blood through his veins. His heart beat for you. His whole angelic life, he had been guided by divine word, but nothing had ever felt as holy as you, here, sleeping in his arms. You had taught him humanity, alright. And now, he finally had the chance to do something, to feel something, to experience something more beautiful than he could’ve ever imagined. He could love you.

Cas let the sounds of your breathing lull him back to sleep.

[jonjonjovi]

What songs remind YOU 🫵 of Sam/your favorite spn characters? I would love to hear your picks/takes on them!!!

Hi I meant to answer this one million years ago and then I forgot sorry!!!

Literally every song I listen to reminds me of Sam rn :(( the brainrot is real

But specifically lately:

Worst Case Kid by Tommy Lefroy

This is the first song I ever added to my Sam playlist :)

The line “I’ve been staring down the barrel of another life” !!!!

Idk just everything about this song I feel like it fits him so well

House Song by Searows

Especially the line “Something is rotten inside of me/ I have to find it and/ Cut it out/ Cut it out” like that’s him!!! That’s Sam!!!

Something Greater by Anna Bates

I feel like this song is literally so perfect for Sam and his complicated relationship with God / his father / the idea of a higher power and what an ultimate judgment of right and wrong would mean for his own character

Especially the chorus reminds me of his reaction whenever Dean criticizes him for still believing in God/something good

I’ve also been listening to Mitski for the first time lately and trying to find which of her songs match the best with each of tfw, so far I think Sam is I Don’t Smoke, Dean is I’m Your Man, Cas is I Bet On Losing Dogs, and Jack is My Love Mine All Mine

Anyways thank u for listening to my ramblings I love talking about music and my hyperfixation characters :)))

[allsassnoclass]

someone to be stranded with

Written for Ficmas Day 8 Pairing: Michael Clifford/Calum Hood Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Key Tags: Snow, Huddling for Warmth, Established Relationship Word Count: 1,792 Read on AO3

Summary:

Michael and Calum get stranded while driving home in a blizzard.

Calum stares out the window, content to watch the thick flakes of snow fall down, illuminated by the car's headlights and landing on the road or whipping out of sight to touch down in another space.

He knows that these are bad conditions for driving, freezing cold out and roads coated with packed snow, winds battering the vehicle and making it difficult to see too far ahead of them with the flakes flurrying, but Michael is behind the wheel.  Calum can't bring himself to worry, even if they're moving at a quarter of the speed limit as a precaution.

There aren't any other cars on the county road for them to contend with, at least.  Most people heeded the warnings to stay safely locked in their homes rather than brave the blizzard, but Michael and Calum have nowhere else to go.  They made a trip to visit friends, staying overnight for a few days, but now it's time to return home.  Honestly, part of Calum has been looking forward to it, wanting more time with Michael in the comfort of their own space, rather than as guests in someone else's.  They left earlier in the day than initially planned in an attempt to beat the worst of the storm, but weather is unpredictable and decided to surprise them with an earlier blizzard, anyway.

There's no one else Calum would trust to get him home safe in these conditions, but Michael has always been the exception.  He's objectively a great driver, even though he rolls through stop signs when no one else is around, and Calum knows that Michael will do anything for him.  He's in good hands.

"Almost home, now," Michael says quietly.  Calum hums, shifting to wake himself up more.  He's been close to drifting off for the better part of an hour, lulled by the quiet playlist they have hooked up and Michael's presence.

"How long?" he asks.

"Normally 20 minutes, but with this snow?  Who knows."

Calum hums again.  The snow is thick enough that he can't recognize their surroundings the way he typically would be able to, but Michael has to pay better attention as the driver, and Calum is confident that he won't miss the exit.

They drive for another few minutes in silence, Michael completely focused on the road and Calum starting to contextualize where they are from a few road signs that haven't been obscured by the snow.  The silence is abruptly broken by a loud pop and grumble, making Calum sit up and Michael curse.

"Fuck, no!  Come on!" he says, pumping the gas, but the car keeps slowing, and Michael turns the steering wheel to let them drift over to the shoulder before they come to a halt.

"What was that?" Calum asks.  The lights are still on, but nothing else seems to be.  Calum puts his fingers near the heater and doesn't feel any air coming out of it.

"I don't know," Michael says.  "Fuck, I'm sorry, Cal.  I'm going to pop the hood.  Can you try calling someone?  AAA, or emergency services if you can't get them?"

"Yeah, of course," Calum says, already reaching for his phone.  Michael zips up his coat and grabs his gloves, closing the door behind him before Calum can add anything else.  Michael rounds to the front of the car, lifting the hood, but neither of them are mechanics.  If something is wrong under there, Calum doubts Michael will be able to fix it.

Reception is shoddy because of the storm, but he manages to get through to the tow company.  They're backed up due to the blizzard, and although the operator assures Calum that someone will come get them, it will be well over an hour before they're found, possibly as long as two or three.

Michael's face falls when he hears the news.

"Okay," he says.  Calum watches him collect his thoughts, biting his lip while he thinks.  "Heat's not working, but I'm going to keep the lights on, just in case someone else comes by the road so they don't hit us.  It's not like we need the battery right now, anyway.  I have an emergency blanket, and we still have some road trip snacks and water.  We'll be fine, right?"

"Right," Calum says firmly.  Michael nods to himself.  Calum can practically feel the anxiety radiating off of him still, so he places a comforting hand on his arm.  "Here, why don't you get in the back?  I'll go get the blanket from the trunk, and we can hang out until help comes."

Michael nods again, and this time Calum is the one to brave the cold outside.  Snow whips at his face, tiny pinpricks of cold against his exposed face, and he turns the collar of his coat up against it.  He has to brush some of it off the trunk before he opens it, already accumulating in the time they've been stopped.  He digs past their travel duffels for the old comforter in a beat-up Ikea bag that Michael has been keeping in here in case this specific scenario happens.  It's very worn, but it's large enough to cover a king-sized bed, and did so for months after Calum moved in until they finally bought a new one that's better quality and doesn't have a faded, obnoxious floral pattern on it.

"Bet you're glad I kept that around instead of throwing it away, huh?" Michael asks the moment Calum closes the door, helping him unfold the blanket and drape it around them both.

"Bet you're glad I made you get a new one so we could keep this one in the car," Calum fires back.  Michael inclines his head in agreement, and they both settle against each other, tucking the blanket close so there are no gaps in their cocoon of warmth.  The cab of the car still has some heat that they accumulated over the first few hours of their trip, but it’ll fade fast, and both of their excursions outside have already let some cold enter in.

"What now?" Michael says after a few moments of silence.

"Wanna make out?"

Michael snorts, breaking the tension like Calum intended.

"I don't think we're at a 'repopulating the Earth' stage yet," Michael says.  "But we'll save that idea for later, okay?"

"Fine, I guess I can wait," Calum jokes.  Michael sighs and snuggles closer.

"Seriously, though.  What do we do now?"

Calum can hear the anxiety creeping back into his voice.

"Tell me what your favorite part of the trip was," he says.  Michael gives him a look.  "Yes, I'm trying to distract you, but I also genuinely want to know.  We've been too focused on getting home to talk about it yet."

Michael huffs and thinks.  Calum gives him time, studying his profile instead.  Some of his hair has come untucked from his hat, falling into his eyes.  Calum tugs off his glove so he can adjust it for him, earning a smile in return.

"I think it was just seeing Luke and Ashton again," he says eventually.  "I don't think I'm ever going to get used to them being so far away.  I miss being able to see them every day if we wanted."

"Yeah, me too," Calum agrees, thinking about their two friends.  It's obvious how much good being out in a small town has done them rather than being trapped in a city neither of them liked, but Calum wishes the town was four hours closer to the place that Calum and Michael are still happy to call home.  "At least we'll see them again at the weddings."

"I should hope so," Michael laughs.  "We're all each other's best men.  Also, why did we decide to get married two months apart?  Whose bright idea was it to plan two weddings for one summer?"

"Yours," Calum says.  "And Ashton's, I guess, but you were adamant about a June wedding, and he wanted one in August, and neither of you were willing to push the date back."

"Sorry, did you want to wait another year to get married?  Did you want them married before us, when we've known each other so much longer?"

"They got together before we did," Calum points out.  Michael's jaw drops.

"You're taking their side?"

"No, of course not," Calum sooths, hooking their arms together and leaning forward to press a placating kiss to Michael's cold cheek.  "I want to be married to you as soon as possible.  I just think they should get a little credit for getting their heads out of their asses and figuring out they love each other before we did."

Michael grumbles but leans into Calum, resting his head against his shoulder as well as he can with both of their parkas in the way.

They pass the time trading conversation back and forth, pressing impossibly closer together the colder it gets to share body heat.  One thing that Calum loves about Michael is that they still have endless things to talk about, even though they already know so much about each other.  Michael still has opinions he wants to share or stories from last week that he forgot to tell Calum, and Calum has his own anecdotes and old memories that Michael loves to be reminded of.  It makes Michael relax even further against him, although the snow outside keeps piling up.  Calum comes up with outrageous questions to ask him to keep him distracted, and Michael distracts him equally in kind, although Calum knows he’s not being deliberate about it.  Calum is easily captivated by Michael, always has been, and it’s easy to get lost in the small, cold oasis they’ve created.

Eventually, blinking orange lights appear in the snow, steadily making their way towards the marooned car.  Michael scrambles forward to lay on the horn, disrupting the comforter and inviting some chill into their space.  Calum can't bring himself to complain, though, not when Michael is so excited to be rescued.  It takes some work to get the car secured and to transfer everything they need to the provided ride home so their luggage isn't taken with the car to the mechanics, but by the time the sun sets they're back on their own street finally.

"Thanks for keeping me calm back there," Michael says.  "I know that's what you were doing by making me talk.  Sorry I got us stranded in the wilderness."

"It's not your fault," Calum says, taking his hand and pressing another kiss to his cheek.  "You got us home.  Besides, if I had to be stuck in a snowstorm with anyone, I'm glad it was you."

Michael gives him a smile and a sweet kiss, telling Calum that the feeling is mutual.

[wayward-dreamer]

Life’s Lessons - Part 7

Title: Life’s Lessons - A Lesson in Denying Feelings

Pairing: Mechanic!Dean x Female!Teacher!Reader (eventual)

Other Pairings: Dean x Lisa, Female!Reader x OMC – Ethan (past, mentioned), Female!Reader x OMC – Mark

Word Count: 7,423 (texts, thoughts, song lyrics in italics).

Part Summary: Dean learns the truth about what Lisa’s hiding, and makes a decision. Later, Y/N goes on a date with Mark, knowing she needs to move on. However, after a failed attempt to move things to the next level with Mark, she begins to question whether she should be denying her feelings for Dean.

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Insecurities, Denying Feelings, Jealous Dean, Pre-smut (nothing too graphic yet, pretty much ends before it starts)

Music: Never Going Back Again by Fleetwood Mac (doesn’t feature but listen to it after Dean and Lisa scene, Dean on the couch scene), In These Arms by Bon Jovi (Dean bar scene), Waiting For A Girl Like You by Foreigner (Y/N and Mark end scene).

Life’s Lessons Spotify Playlist

A/N: Thank you all for your wonderful comments, and for getting me to 300 followers! It means so much to me! All your love for this series has absolutely made my heart so happy, and I can’t wait for you guys to see what happens as we move forward! Happy reading and enjoy! :)

Dividers by the wonderful @firefly-graphics! Check her out for all your AU needs!!!

Life’s Lessons Masterlist

Dean stared at Lisa, his eyes glaring as his jaw clenched. He was waiting for her to say something about what he could clearly see on her phone. He had really hoped that making the effort was going to pay off, and that they could finally be happy again. He thought about how he had doubted her in the past, over a year ago, when she had gone back to Indiana for a couple of weeks. She came back completely disinterested in him and their relationship.

They had fought a lot about whether she had slept with someone else. She had denied it and he had chosen to believe her, even if he did have his doubts about it. Since then, is when things turned for the worst. He thought he had judged her too quickly. Maybe nothing had actually happened.

Turns out, he had been right all along.

Lisa shook her head, not being able to say anything. Dean could tell from her expression that she was trying to find a way to say something.

“I don’t know what to say-” she started but he cut her off.

“Don’t” he hissed, as he leaned in so no one would hear their conversation. “I’m only gonna ask this one more time, and you better give me a straight answer.”

When she didn’t say anything, he continued.

“Did you sleep with someone else?” he asked, bluntly. He had asked that very question a year before, when she got back from Indiana. He never got a proper answer from her.

Lisa was quiet as she sat across from him. She looked up at him, and he saw sadness in her eyes for the first time in a long time.

“Yes” she whispered.

He nodded as he stared at her. He huffed a laugh and it bubbled into a bitter tone. “Who’s the guy?”

She took another few moments to say anything. “His name’s Matt. He’s a doctor.”

“Oh, Doctor Matt. How respectable” he snapped.

She looked guilty as she dropped her head, avoiding his gaze. “I’m sorry you found out like this” she said, quietly, but Dean heard her.

“Why did you keep this going for another year? Why didn’t you just answer me when I asked? This could’ve all been over then, and we could’ve forgotten about each other” Dean asked, shaking his head.

“Because… Ben really looks up to you, and I wanted a father figure for him” she replied, as she looked up at him, her eyes glistening.

Dean shook his head, confused. “But what? Suddenly I’m not good enough? You want some doctor for him to look up to instead now?”

“Matt and I fell for each other years ago, but it didn’t go far, and then I was there last year… we started things up again, and when he was here in July-” she rambled, trying to explain but Dean cut her off when something occurred to him.

“He was here?” he asked, as he stared at her.

She only nodded.

“That’s why we stopped having sex.” He didn’t need to ask because it was obvious why.

An uncomfortable silence fell between them.

“So… when should we tell Ben?” she asked, quietly.

“I’m gonna leave that to you” he replied, shaking his head. “But when you decide to leave… you’re gonna let me say goodbye to him. You owe me that much.”

He looked at her as he waited for a reply. She nodded as she continued to stare at him.

“Dean-” she started but he cut her off.

“Save it” he growled; his jaw clenched. “It’s done.”

She nodded and didn’t say anything else, as Ben returned to the table unaware of what had just occurred.

As they went about like nothing had just happened, Dean couldn’t help but think that maybe he didn’t deserve to be angry. After all, he had kissed Y/N and it had made him feel awful for doing that to Lisa, despite the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about his beautiful neighbor. So, did he have the right to be angry with Lisa when he had done that? He came to the conclusion pretty quickly. Yes, he did have the right. Lisa had lied to him for a year, she had slept around with that guy behind his back and didn’t seem to regret it at all. Her sadness came more from the fact that Dean had found out. It wasn’t “I’m sorry I did this to you” it was “I’m sorry you found out like this”.

So, yes. He did deserve to be angry and to be the one to end the relationship.

When they got back home, Lisa went into Ben’s room to break the news. Dean wasn’t sure what she told him, about whether or not she said she had met someone else or not. Quite frankly, he didn’t care. He kicked back on the couch with a beer, some re-runs of M.A.S.H. on the TV keeping him entertained. He heard some yelling from Ben and then a door slam, and then another one close a bit more gently. Dean would eventually go in and see how Ben was taking the news but for now… he was taking a moment for himself.

For the first time in a long, long time, he felt lighter. He felt better, and in a weird way, as much as it hurt to hear that Lisa had cheated on him, he was relieved. He finally got the answer to his question, and now… he could finally move on. He could concentrate on his business, be available to his family more, and just be himself without worrying what Lisa would say. All the constant fighting or ignoring each other and pretending to be civil was over. He had been down the road with her several times in the last couple of years, the road of things being fine and then not fine, but he was never going back to that again.

He was looking forward to living his life the way he wanted again.

Over the next week, Y/N and Mark texted back and forth. There were messages about their days, what they had for lunch or dinner, silly jokes and flirty comments. Y/N liked him enough, but she hoped that he did ask her out so that she could get to know him more.

Mark: I can’t beat around the bush anymore. I really want to take you out. Saturday night, 7pm?

Y/N had agreed instantly and tried to protest when he said he would drive to Lawrence and have their date there, but he insisted. She wanted to avoid anyone seeing them, or even possibly running into Dean, but she supposed she couldn’t ignore that fact. She just hoped she could avoid him, though.

The restaurant buzzed with sounds of chatter from patrons and the soft jazz music playing through the speakers. Mark sat across from her, dressed in black jeans and deep green v-neck sweater, while she had adorned a silk navy blue strappy top, with black jeans and her long fawn coat, that was hanging off the back of her chair.

“This place is great” he said, as he looked around the room.

“Yeah, the food’s really good and the drinks are even better” she said, as took a forkful of her meal. It was the same place she had come to with Charlie for drinks. She loved the vibe there.

“So… what’s 8th grade teaching like?” he asked her.

She laughed a little, putting her fork down. “Challenging. It’s an interesting age for kids, they don’t really want to be told what to do but they know they have to. It’s rewarding though, especially when their faces light up because they’ve done well on a test or homework.”

“I suppose it helps they have a teacher as passionate as you” he complemented her.

It was nice of him to say that but somehow when Dean had some similar words to her, it was easier to believe him.

“Thanks” she said, accepting the complement with a smile. She needed to give him a chance.

“I gotta ask though. You said you’re from upstate New York. Why such a big move to Lawrence, Kansas? Of all places” he inquired with a laugh.

She smiled slightly, her muscles not committing to a genuine one. It was touchy subject, something that she couldn’t tell him just yet. She had told Dean, which she never expected to do so soon into their friendship, but she had trusted him. He made her feel safe to tell him, even in such a short time. It wasn’t going to be the same with Mark.

“I just needed a change, a new experience” she replied, not even remotely divulging the real reason.

“Fair enough” he nodded, taking a sip of his wine.

“What about you?” she asked, changing the subject. “What’s a day in advertising like?”

“Stressful” he huffed. “Not nearly as rewarding as teaching, but there are days when things go well, and you can relax for a small fraction of time. Then it’s just back to the grind, not a whole lot of time to appreciate your achievements.”

“But you love it, right?” she said, shrugging.

“Yeah” he said, simply as he went back to eating.

The rest of their conversation was light-hearted and fun, and Y/N was surprised at how much of a great time she was having with Mark. She thought that wouldn’t happen so soon, but she was glad that it had.

Dean got out of the shower, quickly drying off before getting dressed into jeans and a thicker white Henley, now that the weather was starting to turn. He was going to the bar tonight, with Cas and Benny joining him. It been a week since he and Lisa broke up. The day after it happened, Lisa took Ben and herself and some of their necessities to a hotel. During the week, she had been over a few times to pack up her things. It seemed like it would take a little while longer for her to completely clear her things out, but at least she was doing it while Dean was at work and he wouldn’t have to see her.

Dean drove to the bar, his thumbs drumming against the steering wheel as he listened to his music, loudly. When he arrived at the bar, he ordered a neat double of his favorite whiskey. As he sipped his drink, he frowned as he heard the words to the song that were playing.

You want commitment, and take a look into these eyes.

They burn with fire, yeah, until the end of time.

And I would do anything, I’d beg, I’d steal

I’d die to have you in these arms tonight.

He shook his head as the words hit home to what he was feeling. He may have rocked on occasion, but Dean hated Bon Jovi with a passion in that moment. He was trying not to think about Y/N. Nights out with Lisa had helped, but then something or other would remind him of her and he’d start thinking about her again. Now that things were over with Lisa, however, Y/N had been a constant thought in his mind this past week.

As he was hunched over on the table, he felt a pat on his back. He looked up to see Benny sit down in front of him, Cas not too far behind as he took the chair next to Benny.

“Good to see ya, brother” Benny commented, a big grin on his face.

“You get laid before getting here?” Dean asked, taking in his friend’s expression.

Benny chuckled, as the bartender came over and put a glass of whiskey down in front of him and Cas. “I don’t kiss and tell, Dean.”

Dean shook his head, rolling his eyes with a small smirk. He lifted up his glass as they all clinked theirs together.

“You seem… not grumpy” Cas commented, as he took in the lack of a scowl on Dean’s face.

Dean shrugged. “Things are… I don’t know, better”

“Really?” Cas asked, confused.

“Yeah” Dean nodded, simply. He hadn’t told his friends yet as he wanted to wait to get them to a bar to break the news. “I broke up with Lisa.”

Both Cas and Benny were in shock, their eyes widened. Cas sat forward as he squinted. “Seriously?”

Dean nodded, sipping his whiskey.

“Well… I never thought I’d see the day that happened” Benny said, shaking his head, with a smile on her face.

“Hilarious” Dean said, rolling his eyes.

“And you’re really… okay?” Cas asked, concerned.

“Yeah, man. I really am. I probably should feel worse, and I do, considering Ben was pretty upset. When it comes to Lisa, though… yeah. I’m good” Dean replied, truthfully.

“What happened?” Benny asked, curiously.

“Turns out, I was right. She cheated on me with some guy she used to know, when she went back to Indiana last year” Dean replied, staring down at the table.

“Damn” Benny whispered, shaking his head.

“Yeah” Dean agreed, sipping his drink. “Her phone was in front of me and I saw his messages. So… I ended it.”

“Good for you, brother” Benny said, clinking his glass with Dean’s.

Cas did the same with his glass against Dean’s.

“So, what now?” Cas asked, taking a sip of his drink.

“I don’t know” Dean shrugged, as one side of his mouth lifted up into a half smirk. “Something different, I guess.”

“What was that?” Benny asked, eying him suspiciously.

“Nothing” Dean replied, his eyebrows furrowed.

Cas leaned back in his chair, silently questioning Dean. “Does this have something to do with Y/N?” Cas asked, something occurring to him suddenly.

“No” Dean said, too quickly.

“Oh, it so does” Benny laughed slightly.

Dean looked between his friends, not knowing whether he should say anything or not. He hung his head, giving up the pretence.

“Yeah, it does” he said, his voice low but they heard him anyway.

“I should’ve known something was up when you were both making eyes at each other at the garage” Benny said, smiling wide.

“Nothing’s up, okay? Nothing happened” Dean lied yet again.

“That didn’t sound true, did it?” Cas asked Benny, knowing their friend well.

“Nope” Benny replied, popping the ‘p’.

They looked at him and he couldn’t deal with their knowing stares.

“Fine” Dean sighed, exasperated. “We kissed.”

“Dean” Cas groaned.

Benny let out a long whistle. “Damn, brother.”

“Yeah, I know, I know what you’re gonna say. It was a mistake, I shouldn’t have done it, I know I shouldn’t have. Okay?” Dean grumbled. “It’s just… I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“Do you like her?” Cas asked, genuinely wanting to know. He knew what his friend was like before he met Lisa, and he wanted to make sure he wasn’t reverting back to his old ways.

“Fuck, this is like high school” Dean mumbled, sipping his drink. “Yeah, I do. I like her. I mean, it’s more than that… I’m really falling for her.”

“And you haven’t told Lisa?” Cas asked, sitting forward in his chair.

Dean rolled his eyes and glared at him. “Well, I don’t think I have to now considering we’re not together and she actually cheated on me. This was just a moment of weakness.”

Cas nodded. “I guess you’re right.”

“Hey.” Dean leaned forward in his chair as he looked at both of them. “It was a mistake, the way it happened. I know that. Y/N said that she wouldn’t let it go any further as long as Lisa and I were together, and I agreed with her.”

“No wonder you two haven’t spoken in weeks” Cas muttered.

“Yeah” Dean scoffed, nodding. “It’s just… now that Lisa and I are over, I don’t know, but – maybe now I got a shot with Y/N.”

“Maybe” Benny said, a small smile on his face.

Dean looked at Cas and thought about whether or not he should ask about Y/N, but he needed to know.

“How… how is she?” he tried to ask as casually as possible.

“She looked pretty sad for a while. I guess we know a little about why now. She’s been better in the last week, though. She’s uh…” Cas replied, but he didn’t know how to broach the next subject.

“She’s what?” Dean was concerned as he asked the question.

“Y/N’s on a date. Some guy she met in the city when she went out with Meg and Charlie last weekend. It’s their first date tonight” Cas told him.

Dean’s jaw clenched as he looked down at the table. “Who’s the guy?” He looked up at Cas, his expression hard and distant.

“Mark something, I don’t know who he is. She seemed excited about tonight though” Cas replied, trying to gage some kind of reaction from Dean.

Dean huffed as he looked down at the table. She was on a date with some guy. Mark. She was moving on from him, and while Dean wanted to find the guy and tell him that he couldn’t have her, he knew she was right in moving on. She wasn’t anything to him for him to get protective of her. Maybe Mark was a nice guy and after what she had been through, she deserved a nice guy.

“Well…” he sighed, throwing his head back as he finished his drink. “Good for her.”

Benny knew that look on his friend’s face. “You alright there, brother?”

“Oh yeah” Dean replied, twirling his glass around in his hand.

“Dean-” Cas started but Dean cut him off with a glare.

“I’m gonna head back” he muttered, standing up from the table. He dropped a few bills on the table, before picking up his jacket.

“Thanks for tonight, fellas.” Dean walked away, without looking at his friends.

When he got back home, he poured himself another whiskey and sat down on the couch. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He kept thinking about how life would’ve been if Y/N hadn’t moved across the street. He may never have realized that he and Lisa were in a meaningless relationship, and probably would’ve kept going the way they had been for many more years.

Y/N encouraged him to go ahead with his plans for expanding the garage, a move he was scared to make, but he couldn’t wait to get started on that. She talked to him about all his likes and dislikes, listened when he talked about his family, and told him that maybe he and his dad still have to work out some things from the past. She trusted him enough to tell him about her previous relationship and what her asshole of an ex did to her. She cared about him and he cared about her. Hell, he was really starting to fall for her, but he had to respect what she wanted. Yes, it was a first date with this guy, and she might not want things to go further, but she deserved to give things a chance without him being a factor. She deserved to be happy.

Dean frowned and lifted his head, as he heard a car from outside, the breaks squeaking softly as it pulled up to the curb. He stood up and slowly walked to the window, his heart sinking when he saw Y/N get out of the car. She was coming back to her house with her date.

Mark drove her home, chatting and changing songs in the car to suit their mutual tastes, which she quickly learnt were quite similar. He wasn’t much for classic rock, but more for the folksy stuff of now. They kept the small talk going as he pulled up outside her house. She quickly got out of the car and walked to her front door as he walked beside her. She turned to him and smiled as they stood outside her door.

“I had a really great time” she smiled. There was definitely promise of more and of better, and she was going to give him the chance.

“Me too” he smiled in return.

He slowly and tentatively leaned in, kissing her cheek, softly. She smiled wider at the sweet gesture.

“Goodnight, Y/N” he whispered as he moved back.

“Goodnight” she said, watching him leave.

As she watched him drive off, she sighed. There was something there, and while she didn’t know what it was, she knew she had to take a leap and find out.

She really needed to call her sister and talk about this with her soon.

Dean watched as the guy leaned in and kissed Y/N’s cheek, very relieved that he hadn’t kissed her on the lips. She looked happy, and that’s what mattered. It was what he wanted for her. Even if he wasn’t the one to do that for her.

2 weeks later…

Dean had come to a conclusion about Mark. He hated the guy.

It had been two weeks since Y/N and Mark’s first date, and in that time, he had seen them together around town quite a few times. They would be talking and laughing, kissing and being happy and honestly, it made him sick. To someone else, it may have looked like he was jealous, and maybe he was a little, but he was mostly concerned for her and hoped that she had made the right decision. It was irrational to hate him based on all of this, considering he had never met the guy, but he couldn’t help how he felt.

The alarm blared obnoxiously, even though Dean had been awake for a few minutes already. He tapped it hard and turned it off, his hand combing through his hair. He got up and dragged himself into bathroom, quickly brushing his teeth and freshening up. He had opted to have a shower when he came back from doing some manual labor.

He got dressed in his worn jeans, dark brown Henley and a brown and white plaid shirt over the top, his black jacket over that and walked through the house. He picked up his wallet and keys and then left, firing up his Baby and driving away from the house, as his music blared. He made a quick stop to pick up three coffees from the coffee shop, and then drove for about 15 minutes, before reaching another street. He drove down, past all the pristine houses, until he came to the one he was looking for.

He looked up at the house as he got out of the car. It had seen better days and he had bought it for a steal a few months ago. With the help of Cas and Benny, he was going to fix it up and make it a home. They would do what they could until builders came in at a later stage and did all the more complicated things like wiring and plumbing.

As he walked into the house, his mind started thinking in overdrive. Throughout his time as a bachelor, he was the love ‘em and leave ‘em type of guy, opting for one-night stands rather than proper relationships. It was fun and easy, but over time he had gotten over that. Cassie was his first serious girlfriend when he was 24, and they dated for 6 weeks. He had cared about her, but they weren’t meant to be. He dated girls and continued his one-night flings for a few years, before he met Lisa. She didn’t end up being just a one-night thing, and he really thought that they would be great for each other.

While being every woman’s “Mr. Right Now”, Dean had always longed for something more, even if he didn’t admit it to anyone. He barely admitted it to himself. That being said, he used to have a recurring dream. A beautiful woman in a beautiful house, welcoming him with a passionate kiss as he came home from work. They had three children, 2 boys and a girl. He couldn’t see their faces, as it was a fantasy in his mind that would never come true. When he met Lisa, the woman had morphed into her. However, as they started to have their problems, the woman became faceless again.

Standing there in the house at that moment, images of the dream started to flash before him. The woman had a face again. This time… it was Y/N. He suddenly began to imagine her in this house with him and Dean’s heart began to beat rapidly at the thought. She belonged here. He wanted her here with him. He wanted a life with her. He couldn’t want that. He tried hard to turn the image of Y/N back into a faceless woman, but nothing happened.

He was 34 years old and his little brother had gotten married before him, and would no doubt tell him that they were having kids soon. He loved his brother and sister-in-law, but every time he looked at them it was a reminder of the fact that he may never have that. He never thought he wanted those things, but this recurring dream always told him otherwise.

A slap on his back startled him out of his daydream. Benny walked around him with Cas right behind him.

“You okay, chief?” he asked, picking up the coffee with his name on it.

Dean nodded, blinking a few times. “Yeah. Fine.”

“You sure?” Cas said, concerned when seeing his friend looking slightly out of it.

“Uh… yeah. I, um… just have a few things on my mind” Dean said, looking around the house.

“Well” Benny started, lifting up a sledgehammer. “Nothing like breaking some shit to clear your mind.”

Dean huffed a laugh and took the tool from him, walking over to the nearest wall and getting to work.

Y/N pushed her sunglasses up and pulled her brown checkered coat a little tighter around herself. Despite the sun, there was a chill in the air as brown leaves brushed over the pavement. She sat outside a café, waiting on Charlie and Meg to get there for brunch. It was Sunday and Meg always had them off, so they were taking the opportunity to see each other. Her foot tapped along to the song that came from the café, the leaves making a crunching noise as they caught under her shoe. She smiled when she saw them walking up the sidewalk, both bundled up as well. The fall was in full force and it wasn’t Y/N’s favorite in terms of weather, but she had to admit, it was incredibly beautiful as she admired the leaves changing color.

She sat up a little and kissed them both on their cheeks, as they sat down across from her. She smiled as she watched them settle in.

“I’m starving!” Meg groaned, as she looked at the menu.

“Hello to you, too” Y/N laughed at her dramatics.

“We better order quick before the demon comes out” Charlie joked, earning a side eyed glare from Meg.

Y/N laughed as she called the waitress over and they all ordered, after Charlie and Meg quickly decided what they wanted.

“So, how are things going with Mark?” Meg asked, getting straight to the point.

Y/N shrugged, knowing there wasn’t much to tell. “It’s been a good two weeks. I’m having fun with him. He’s a great guy. We’re seeing each other again tonight, for a movie.”

“That’s so great, Y/N” Charlie beamed. “I’m so glad you’re happy.”

Y/N smiled, nodding. “I am.”

Mark made her laugh and forget about everything that had happened before they met, but at the same time, she was still waiting to feel the sexual chemistry with him.

“He’s coming to your birthday dinner on Friday, right? We gotta meet this guy properly” Meg asked, as the waitress came back with their coffee orders.

“Yeah, he is. So, you can assess him then” Y/N laughed, as she took a sip of her coffee.

Charlie joined in but stopped as she wondered if she should ask Y/N what she wanted to ask at that point. “Have you… have you talked to Dean at all?”

Y/N sighed as she looked at her friend, and then shook her head after a few seconds. “No.”

“You really want to cut off from him completely?” the redhaired woman asked, her face morphing into sadness.

“I think I have to” Y/N replied, as she avoided her friend’s gaze. She knew that if she looked at her, she’d change her mind, and she couldn’t do that.

Charlie bit her lip as she and Meg looked at each other. Meg nodded, and Charlie turned to Y/N.

“What?” Y/N asked, knowing something was up.

“Y/N… Dean and Lisa broke up” Charlie told her.

Y/N felt her breath catch in her throat as her eyes widened. That was the last thing she was expecting Charlie to say. “W-When?”

“A few weeks ago” Meg replied, her fingers tapping against her coffee cup, nervously.

Y/N scoffed, shaking her head. “And you’re telling me this now?” She was annoyed that they hadn’t bothered to tell her this for weeks.

“We wanted to, we really did” Charlie reasoned. “But Y/N, things seemed to be going great with Mark, so we thought we shouldn’t.”

Y/N looked between them. She sighed, looking down at the table and fiddling with the cutlery. “I guess you’re right.”

“It’s just that after that night,” Meg started, putting her coffee down after taking a sip. “You seemed pretty ready to move on and let him deal with whatever happened with Lisa.”

A night out with just Meg a little over a week ago, Y/N had told her what had happened with Dean. She was sure that Cas knew from Dean considering they were best friends, but she was glad that he kept it in confidence that he knew and didn’t tell Meg, despite them being a couple.

“Yeah” Y/N nodded, but her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts at that point. “What happened?”

“He found out about her cheating on him” Charlie replied, sadly.

Y/N’s eyes closed as she shook her head. She couldn’t believe it. Her heart was breaking for him, and all she wanted to do was go over to him and see how he was doing.

“Y/N” Charlie said, trying to get her attention.

YN shook her head as she looked at her friend, having spaced out for a few moments.

“You okay?” Charlie asked, knowing that she wasn’t but asking anyway.

“Yeah” Y/N nodded, smiling. It didn’t really convince her friends. “I’m good.”

Y/N was thankful as their food arrived and it distracted them from what they were talking about.

As Meg told them about something that had happened at the hospital recently, Y/N spaced out again. She couldn’t believe that Dean actually broke up with Lisa. Knowing the reason though, she was glad that he finally had, even if finding out she was cheating on him was the most awful thing that could ever happen. Now, Y/N found herself at a dilemma. Dean was suddenly single, and she was with someone. She really liked Mark and she was having a great time with him. She wasn’t about to break up with him just to be with someone else, but her mind kept floating back to her green-eyed neighbor. She told herself it wasn’t a good idea for several reasons.

One, she was with Mark and she was having a wonderful time with him. Two, Dean had just gotten out of the relationship and he needed some time to himself. Three… she was Mark. She couldn’t break his heart just to be with someone else. She really liked him, and he even kept her mind off Dean, sometimes. So, she wasn’t going to do anything about this new information of the breakup.

It was officially time to move on.

Y/N smiled as she walked hand-in-hand with Mark, down the sidewalk. They had just watched a movie and were walking back to the car, Mark insisting on driving her to and from their movie date. The night air was chilly, and they were thankful they were both rugged up; Mark in a long black coat over a white sweater and jeans, Y/N in a thick, high neck grey sweater, jeans and ankle boots. They were walking in content silence, but every now and then Mark would lean in and kiss her head. It had been two weeks for them and while Y/N was happy with where things were with them, she had a feeling that things were going to progress every soon. They had had several make-out sessions on her couch, but they were still yet to do anything else. It might’ve felt like it was too soon, but she really did like him and she felt they were ready to take the next step in their relationship.

As they were walking down the sidewalk, they walked past a few bars and restaurants. Suddenly, Mark’s path was cut off slightly as someone walked out from a bar and onto the sidewalk.

“Oh, sorry, man” Mark said, looking at him.

The guy turned to face them, and Y/N felt her breath stop as she saw Dean. He looked so good, wearing a leather jacket over a red and black plaid and dark blue jeans. Dean looked between her, the guy she was with and their hands joined together. So, this is him he thought as he looked at Mark.

“It’s okay” Dean said back. “Hey, Y/N” Dean said, looking at her.

“Hi, Dean” she tentatively smiled.

“You both know each other?” Mark asked, confused.

“Uh, yeah. Dean’s my neighbor” Y/N said, looking up at Mark. “Dean, this is Mark.”

Y/N watched as an older man walked out of the bar and up to Dean, looking at him.

“Everything okay?” he asked him, as looked at her and Mark.

“Yeah” Dean nodded quickly. “Dad… this is Y/N my neighbor and this is Mike” he said, introducing them.

“It’s Mark” the man in question corrected Dean.

“My mistake” Dean said, trying to give him a polite smile, but it didn’t move far enough on his face to be genuine.

Y/N took a deep breath. This was the moment she had feared most. She decided to ignore it, as she smiled at Dean’s father.

“It’s so wonderful to finally meet you, sir” she said, offering her hand. “Dean’s told me a lot about you.” She felt Mark looking at her and knew she was going to get a lot of questions later.

“Well, Dean hasn’t told me anything about you, but it’s still great to meet you, as well” John said, shaking her hand as he glanced at his son.

“We should really go” Dean said, looking between the couple and his dad.

“We should too” Y/N said, looking at Mark.

“Great to meet you, man” Mark said, offering his hand to Dean.

Dean looked down at it for a second, before he shook it. “Yeah.”

As they all dispersed, and Y/N walked back to the car with Mark, she was practically hyperventilating at the thought that Mark and Dean had now met. Albeit briefly, but they had. Dean who she had kissed. Dean who she was trying to deny her feelings for but failing miserably.

She was suddenly wishing for the floor to open up and swallow her whole.

When they got back to her house and Mark took off his coat while she kicked off her shoes, the content silence they had before meeting Dean, was now awkward. Y/N filled two glasses of water and handed one to Mark, as she waited patiently for him to say what she knew he was thinking.

“So… did something between you and Dean?” he asked, looking up at her from his glass.

She shook her head. “No.”

“Really?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because it felt a little-”

She walked over to him, cupping his jaw in her hands. “Mark, nothing ever happened between Dean and I. He was a good neighbor, invited me for dinner one night and told me a little about his family. That’s it.”

She came to the conclusion that he didn’t need to know what really happened. It was before she met him, and it shouldn’t affect them considering she didn’t know him then.

Mark sighed as he looked at her, a small smile appearing on his face. “Okay.”

She smiled and leaned up, kissing him softly. It didn’t take long for Mark to deepen it, as they wrapped their arms around each other.

“Hold on” he said, pulling away from the kiss and taking out his phone, connecting it through Bluetooth to her speaker.

So long, I’ve been looking too hard, I’ve been waiting too long

Sometimes I don’t know what I will find, I only know it’s a matter of time

Y/N laughed a little at the cheesy song choice but smiled up at him as he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her waist, swaying side to side. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he leaned down, kissing her, passionately. Things began to heat up, as Y/N cupped his face, kissing him firmly. She nipped at his bottom lip and opened her mouth, their tongues meeting. He was a good kisser, even if he wasn’t quite the kisser a certain someone else was. In that moment, however, she didn’t want to think about her gorgeous green-eyed neighbor.

Mark walked them back to the couch, helping her lie down. Y/N looked up at him as she undid her jeans and pushed them down her legs, throwing them on the floor. He looked down at her, his eyes dark with lust as he lowered himself and wrapped his arms under her, pulling her close. His hands pulled her high collar down as his lips moved down her jaw, nipping and sucking as they landed on her neck. He moved his hips against hers, and she felt herself getting wet from the friction of him getting hard against her panties, through his jeans. He lifted his sweater and took it off, and her hands quickly reached for the white t-shirt he was wearing underneath it. She took it off him and flung it somewhere, both of them not caring. She caressed his arms, his flexed muscles rippling.

Y/N’s cupped his jaw in one hand as she kissed him, the other moving down and rubbing against the seam of his jeans. She felt him growing hard against her hand and she moaned into the kiss.

“You’re sure, right?” he breathlessly asked, going for her neck again.

“Yeah” she gasped, closing her eyes. She quickly pushed him up and sat up, pulling her sweater off, pulling it over her head and off her arms.

Mark stared down at her light pink lacy bra and groaned. “Shit, baby.” He leaned in and kissed her, his hands in her hair.

Y/N started unbuckling his belt and pulled it through the loops, as he fumbled with taking his wallet out of his back pocket. He took out a foil packet and she took it from his hands. He unzipped his jeans and pulled them down along with his boxers, revealing his hard cock. He was a reasonable size, and she looked up into his eyes as she wrapped her hand around his shaft, pumping her hand slowly. She leaned back and laid down on the couch, biting her lip as she smiled up at him. He took the packet and tried opening it with one hand, but it fell out of his hand, disappearing somewhere on the couch.

“Oh shit” he whispered, laughing slightly.

“It’s okay, let me see where it is” she said, laughing along with him as she felt around for the foil packet. “If I don’t find it, I’ve started back on the pill, so we should be good.”

It was a moment or two before she found it, lodged under a couch cushion. She waved it with a smile and went to open the packet, but her eyes widened as she looked down at him. His hard on had gone down, becoming flaccid again, in the time that it had taken to find the condom.

Mark noticed her expression and looked down, cursing. “Oh shit, I-I-I uh,” he stuttered.

Y/N tried to calm him down, putting her hands on his shoulders. “It’s okay…”

“No, no, it’s not-” he shook his head, but stopped when she cupped his face, making her look at him.

“Mark” she said, shaking her head. “It’s honestly okay. It happens sometimes. It’s okay. Seriously.”

“Okay.” He nodded as he moved away from her, reached for his boxers and quickly put them on.

“Hey” she whispered, cupping his jaw. “I mean it.”

“Thanks.” He tried to smile but couldn’t. “I should go” he said, disappointed. He avoided her gaze, frowning. He quickly got up and got dressed again.

She walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Look at me.”

He looked at her, still frowning. She leaned in, pecking his lips, softly.

“We’ll try again soon, and it’ll be amazing” she smiled, wagging her eyebrows. “Okay?”

His lips turned up in a small smile as he nodded. “Yeah.”

She kissed him again, a little harder this time, a way to emphasise what she just said.

“Get some sleep” she whispered against his lips. “I’ll see you on Friday, right?”

“Yeah” he said, as he moved away from her.

“Goodnight” she smiled.

“Goodnight” he said, as he picked up his coat and put it on. He walked over to the door and looked back at her.  She smiled at him and blew him a kiss, trying to cheer him up.

“Bye” he called out.

She gave him a little wave as he walked through the door, closing it behind him.

Y/N’s mind was racing. Maybe what happened just now was because it hadn’t been very long in their relationship. Maybe they needed longer than 2 weeks to decide how they felt about each other and for the connection to form. It wasn’t his fault, and she knew that; it did happen sometimes.

They would try again. She was determined to try again because she did like him.

Or maybe she needed to stop trying to deny what she felt for the man who lived across the street. Would it be easier to end things with Mark now and move on with Dean? She shook her head, as she really thought it through. She couldn’t break Mark’s heart after what just happened, and Dean had just broken with Lisa recently. She kept coming back to the fact that he needed some time to himself.

She really wanted to make things work with Mark. Tonight didn’t turn out like she thought it would, but she couldn’t let it be a setback.

“So… Y/N” John said, smirking at his son as they walked back to their cars.

“Dad” Dean groaned, shaking his head.

“You failed to mention who she was, so clearly there’s something I’m missing” John smiled, as he dissected the situation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Dean denied as they reached where the Impala and his dad’s truck were parked.

John chuckled as he turned to face his son. “You just denied it which means it’s serious.” John looked at him knowingly.

Dean shook his head as he looked at his father. “It’s nothing.”

Dean knew that admitting it wouldn’t change anything. She was still with him. It wouldn’t make a difference.

“Okay” John said, not believing him. “I’ll get it outta ya eventually. Or Sam will.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Bye, dad.”

“Bye” John said, with another small chuckle.

They hugged and went their separate ways, with a promise from Dean that he’d be over during the week for dinner. As he drove home, his mind was on Y/N again. She was a constant thought and quite frankly, he didn’t think he could take it anymore. If his mind could stop teasing him with thoughts of her while he couldn’t do anything about it, it would make life more tolerable.

As he went to bed that night, he knew that it was too good to be true. He drifted to sleep, his thoughts morphing into dreams of Y/N and the life they could have together.

A life he desperately wanted with her but knew he couldn’t have.

-x-

Tags: @flamencodiva @deanwanddamons @winchest09 @katehuntington @akshi8278 @hobby27 @michellethetvaddict @spngirl05 @kyjey @halesandy @440mxs-wife @stoneyggirl @deanswaywardgirl @wonder-cole @that-one-gay-girl @redbarn1995 @marianita195 @babypink224221 @deans-baby-momma @parinarain @thoughts-and-funnies @mandalou29 @castiels-a-winchester @ellewritesfix05 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​ @supraveng​ @roonyxx​ @supernatural-love14​ @vicmc624​ 

[the-rad-pineapple]

mercury

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Supernatural fanfiction: Post-canon fix-it fic. After they defeated Chuck, Dean locks himself in his room unable to deal with losing Castiel now that everything is over. Jack lost his powers in the fight against Chuck and follows Dean's example and locks himself in his room, leaving Sam to try and help them get back on their feet.

Words: 11k (first 1k included in this post)

Trigger warning: Thoughts of suicide and alcohol abuse.

The title “mercury” is based off of Imagine Dragons’ new album: Mercury – Act I. This album inspired this story. The chapter titles: Wrecked, It’s Ok, #1, Giants, Easy Come Easy Go, Follow You, and One Day are all songs from the album.

Here's a playlist I made for this fic if you're interested.

And Wrecked totally feels like it was written for Destiel to me.

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ao3

fanfiction

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They won, but Dean feels emptier than ever. When they took on Chuck, the fight between him and Jack left them both powerless. It didn’t really feel like winning. Especially since Dean can tell Jack is having a hard time adjusting to being a human. Or whatever he is now. He’s just a kid stuck in an adult’s body. It’s fucked up, and Dean can’t handle it.

He’s managed to push aside all his feelings about Cas when they were still hunting fucking God. They all were. But now it’s over.

Dean felt numb the entire drive back to the bunker. Sam was sitting in the back of the Impala, checking on Jack. Dean didn’t even say a word. It was all too much. When they got back home, Dean locked himself in his room. The second he was alone in the quiet and the stillness of his room with his jacket with Cas’ handprint hanging on his chair, he lost it. It all came crashing down on him. He’s never cried harder.

It’s been days, and Dean’s only left his room to grab booze. His drinking has never been worse, but he doesn’t care. Honestly, the only reasons Dean hasn’t completely given up are Jack and Sam. He can’t off himself after all they’ve been through. And the visual of Sam walking into Dean’s room to find his corpse makes Dean nauseous. He won’t do that to his little brother.

Dean doesn’t even know how Jack is, but he can’t bring himself to go talk to the kid. Then he feels guilty for not checking up on him, so he drinks, and the cycle repeats.

He drinks to empty his mind and numb his feelings. He stares at the handprint on the jacket. The tv is always on to bring some noise into the deafening silence. He can’t stand to be alone one second with his thoughts.

Time has lost all meaning. It’s always been difficult to tell the time in the bunker where’s there’s nothing but hallways and florescent lights, but any last sense of time Dean has is gone. The alcohol has disoriented him enough to mess up his internal clock, and he doesn’t leave his bed. Sam checks on him every once in a while. He brings food, but he doesn’t say anything. Dean is grateful.

Dean is perpetually tired but also too wired to get any restful sleep. He’s created his own personal Hell, and he’s glad. He doesn’t deserve to be happy since he is the literal reason Cas is dead. He doesn’t deserve to be happy, because he has always treated Jack like shit and is continuing to do so. He doesn’t deserve to be happy, because everyone is better without him.

Dean stares hazily at the tv and finishes his beer. They’re running out of booze, and Sam isn’t restocking. He’s doing it on purpose, and Dean resents him for it. Dean tosses the can on the floor, where the rest of the cans and bottles lay. It’s filthy in here and probably smells. Dean can’t make himself care.

The door opens with a low creak. Dean doesn’t look. It’s probably Sam bringing him food. He knows it’s bad, because Sam has been bringing him burgers and milkshakes. He doesn’t deserve it.

There’s a pause, and Dean thinks he might’ve imagined hearing the door open, but then he hears it creak shut. Dean rubs his eyes with a sigh and looks over, expecting to see a plate with a burger on the ground, but Jack is standing there, watching him. One of his hands is on the door as if he’s not sure he’s allowed to be here. The kid is in dinosaur pajamas Dean bought him months ago. His eyes are puffy and blood shot. Parts of his hair are sticking up at jagged angles.

They lock eyes, and tears well up in Jack’s eyes. “I miss him.” Jack’s voice breaks when he says it, and he covers his face with his hands. His shoulders start shaking, and a terrible sob escapes him. Dean is across the room before he even realizes he’s moved.

Dean pulls Jack into a hug, and Jack clings onto Dean like he’s drowning and Dean is his lifeguard. Jack cries into Dean’s shoulder. Dean can feel the tears soaking through his shirt.

“I—” Jack begins then hiccups. He sucks in a shaky breath, but he doesn’t sound any more composed. “I was going to save him. After—” he hiccups again “—after we defeated Chuck I was going to bring him back.”

Dean holds him tighter, tears slipping down his face now.

“I should have done it before,” Jack sobs.

Dean finds himself pressing kisses into Jack’s hair. “Jack,” Dean says. It’s the first word he’s said in days. His voice is rough and ragged. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” He hiccups again. “I—” another hiccup “—I should have—” a third hiccup. The kid’s on the verge of hysteria.

“Okay, shh, shh, just take a minute,” Dean says softly. He rubs Jack’s back with one hand and runs his other through Jack’s hair.

Jack cries, and Dean isn’t sure how long they stay like that. Dean closes his eyes and lets his world become the kid. He blocks out the tv playing in the background. He blocks out the acrid smell of the days-old beer cans on his floor. He focuses on Jack’s warmth and holding him close.

Jack’s breathing finally settles down. He sniffs and swallows. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” Jack says it so quietly Dean almost misses it.

“In my room?”

“No. I don’t want to be alive anymore.”

Dean’s blood runs cold, and he kisses Jack’s head. He knows he should tell Jack not to think that way, but all he does is murmur, “Me either.” It’s probably the worst thing he can say, but he’s just too tired to think of anything else. He doesn’t have it in him to lie and make up some positive bullshit right now.

Jack’s suddenly laughing.

Dean blinks in surprise and pulls back far enough to look at Jack. Jack has tear tracks down his cheeks, and his eyes are even more red and swollen than before. His hair is plastered to his face where he had been leaning against Dean, but he’s laughing.

Jack manages to compose himself for a second and says, “I don’t think Castiel would be very happy with us right now.”

It isn’t funny, but Dean laughs, too. It’s a little hysterical, but Dean can’t stop himself. “No, I don’t think he would.”

They both laugh again, and Dean pulls Jack back into an embrace. They eventually calm down, and Dean closes his eyes again.

“Dean?” Jack asks quietly. It’s tentative, as if Jack is bracing himself for something.

“Yeah?”

“Can…Can I sleep here tonight?” He sounds so small, and Dean is reminded that he is a literal three-year-old.

“Yeah, of course you can.”

Jack sniffles. “Thank you.”

Dean swallows. “You don’t have to ask, you know. You can always come to me.”

“Okay, Dean.”

[ugh-againwiththenames]

A Musical Social Experiment...Destiel.

Alright, so I thought to myself, while playing along with @thenightwemetnatural​‘s Destiel song picks, that despite my musical tastes, and them tending typically (although not exclusively) towards the Metal genres, that EVERY song can in some way, be paralleled to Destiel. This is such a ridiculous experiment, and I apologize, but I’m at the cottage, and it’s fucking pouring with rain, so let’s play…

Here are the rules: take your Music library and throw it on Shuffle – every song that comes on for an hour(ish), connect it to Destiel...(below the cut for my results).

You can access the playlist here (if you have any interest in listening along!). I am not going to necessarily describe every possible connection - I think that a lot of them are SUPER obvious...like *eyes rolling out of my head* obvious...

In the End – Black Veil Brides – Well we’re off to a hell of a start, as this song from start to finish screams Destiel and sacrifice. In the end As my soul's laid to rest What is left of my body Or am I just a shell? And I have fought And with flesh and blood I commanded an army Through it all I have given my heart for a moment of glory Who will remember this last goodbye 'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to die A Modern Way - The Exies – only on song 2, and it’s once again, really hard to cut out any of this song, as the repeating “I’m bound by my insecurities” SCREAMS Dean at me.

I’m Bound by my insecurities

Open your eyes and Throw your arms around me I need the right not to fight To breathe

Swallow the lies I'm the one to blame Having no voice left to choose Am i so blind, feeling justified When i'm alone and confused

Brother – NEEDTOBREATHE – I have to laugh…as I added this after watching Jensen sing this at a Con (for J*red), and no lie, I’m in LOVE with it, but it’s somehow now determinably connected to the brothers for me but I can/WILL draw the lines here…EASY.

Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were Now my hands can’t reach that far I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone I know that in my weakness I am strong, but It’s your love that brings me home Summoners Rift – Dangerkids – Um. Well. The first line of this song just made me laugh out loud.

There's no room for martyrs in a dying scene Well I'm not quite dead I'm something in between

And if I had another chance I would tell you

I guess I'm not afraid of what comes after We are the only ones We stand alone in the dark

Question everything you blindly follow Truth's a bitter pill, it's hard to swallow You think you're winning but your time is borrowed We are the only ones We stand alone in the dark

Royal Beggars - Architects - I mean…the repetition of my sentiments is going to get a bit silly…so i will not. read on...

All hope is dead, but we're coping

Somebody save our souls

Like a bird in a cage, trying to fly away Is this the price that we have to pay? Overflowing with rage, yet we still obey 'Cause we're asleep in a hurricane

We sit on a throne, waiting for God to bend the knee But we're nothing more than royal beggars

Edge of your Bed - Thousand Below - “why’d you have to go and keep calling out my name” Calling out my name” pure purgatory “where’s the ANGEL” “I prayed to you Cas, Every night” The rest of the next verse is also poignant, very Dean again “where I can only feel peace when the wave hits”, “and I’ve become what I thought was wrong, I love the feeling when it feels too strong”.  

Why'd you have to go and keep calling out my name? Calling out my name

I found sorrow at the edge of your bed

Is it now a bad habit? Where I can only feel peace when the wave hits And I've become what I thought was wrong I love the feeling when it feels too strong

Animals – Siamese - “It takes a killer that thinks he’s a saint, it takes believing to be this insane” – well. yes. ok. 

Shattered not broken We stand our feet Houses rebuild on These bloody streets I fill my lungs into this beat With closed eyes we're hoping for remedy

It takes a killer That thinks he's a saint It takes believing To be this insane

Spineless Crow - Hands Like Houses

We were young together but I've grown ancient Cracked and weathered and filled with regret Waiting to sink, rushing to sink in my sleep

The realization sinks in through the skin Like a disease, a blight inside of me Missing your touch, your weight on my fingers

My Underworld - Tonight Alive

Now we sail into deep blue storm clouds Overhead now, strangely I feel at peace as I dive into My underworld, world I dive into my underworld, world Down in these depths I'm adding up the numbers Of all I've suffered in past lives, tied down in the darkness Finally I begin to learn what I've returned tonight Time has come to begin again, leave something else behind

Ever After - Marianas Trench - All this talk of being someone’s disaster – Welp! Hello!

Don't you move Can't you stay where you are, just for now I could be your perfect disaster You could be my ever after

Apologies, I'm not myself but I can guarantee That when I get back, you won't believe That you knew me well Don't want to think about it

I'm fuckin' tired of getting sick about it Now stand back up and be a man about it And fight for something, fight for something, fight for something Nobody told ya this is gonna fold ya We go marching in like toy soldiers To have and hold ya over sold ya They’re marching like toy soldiers I'll be your disaster, ever after So fire away Goodbye

Room 138 - Asking Alexandria - While this song is clearly actually about an overdose of some kind, it’s parallels shockingly well to the post confession scene.   So these are the walls that have to hold this moment Somebody hear me, someone open up the door Get me up off of this floor and stop the shaking, the shaking Through the haze I saw a face A second chance, another life to live How did you forgive me? Held my head against your chest Told me everything's alright, don't be afraid Close your eyes and rest

Witness – Daughtry

Does it feel like you're just wasting time Here without a reason or a rhyme The answer you've been looking for Is standing right before your weary eyes And if the weight of the world is on you now But you know you can turn it all around again How Many Walls - Rise Against  - Guys, seriously, I’m not even going there...How many years have we wasted….how many walls can you put up? How many guns til you feel safe? This is a song about war – this is Rise Against, this is purely political and somehow can STILL be pulled together with Destiel.

 How many walls can you put up?

How many guns 'til you feel safe? How many times can we watch this story Over and over and over again? And how many years have we wasted Counting the lies that we've been fed? For something to change we have waited Over and over and over again Pray – Picturesque - Nope. Don’t even need a description here. Once again this is FAR TOO OBVIOUS!

I should pray a little more and think a little less The devils in my head and he won't let me rest Everyday just like the last since you up and left I should pray a little more, I shouldn't pray for death I Knew You Were Trouble – We Came as Romans (Swift Cover) - SwiftNatural is a thing for a reason… 

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back. But he never does. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me. Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago I was in your sights, you got me alone You found me

I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there) So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground Texas Is Forever - Pierce the Veil – lack of communication anyone? I don’t know, do we know anyone like that? If anything should happen to me I want you to know, I’ve loved you since ever…

Here we are If anything should happen to me I want you to know I've loved you since ever since then Don't dance around me I know what it means No communication, cannot be received But I'm such a sucker for the rain, yeah Oh, here we are Butterfly - Wearing Scars – the Butterfly/Angel parallel alone…go with it.

Seems we're alone We're fixated Just waiting for something As time goes by And when we're way up high We'll look back down with different eyes Let's take our time Awake this life So spread your wings And take my hand Tonight will be the end

With Grace - The Weight of Atlas

This place looks like hell to me I cast myself into the sea Picked up my conscience and left my disease I don't know, I don't know if I can make it through this storm Keep your eyes shut it will be okay. Will we make it out alive? Will we make it out alive. When all you have is hope I will be your anchor I know that I can let you down But I swear I'll pick up the pieces. And be reborn again I Always Wanted to Leave - The Plot In You

I guess it's a shame I'm so damn destructive And you're so reluctant to mean what you say The way you act so abused The things you confuse You know I always wanted to leave "Hello... You can sing, I'm here And I love you more than anyone or anything With all my heart."

Unsteady - X Ambassadors – just a stay parallel. Don’t leave, don’t let go. If you love me. Don’t let go. #I haz the sads.

Hold on to me 'Cause I'm a little unsteady If you love me Don't let go Bury Me Alive - Normandie – pick a line – ANY LINE!!! 

I guess I'm not going to heaven now I got caught in the chase Now I'm falling from grace But I never stood a chance Could've given me a sign I'd be giving you blind obedience Mantra – Bring Me The Horizon Before the truth will set you free, it will piss you off Before you find a place to be, you're gonna lose the plot Too late to tell you now, one ear and right out the other one 'Cause all you ever do is chant the same old mantra Could I have your attention, please? It's time to tap into your tragedy Think you could use a new abuser Close your eyes and listen carefully Imagine you're stood on a beach Water gently lapping at your feet And now you're sinking, what were you thinking? That's all the time we have this week

Oh Lord - In This Moment – cutting any of this out was actually hard. Cas, my love, are you there?

Oh Lord won't you save me Save me from my soul Oh Lord won't you forgive me For I have lost control Oh Lord won't you tell me Am I the righteous or the damned? Oh Lord won't you please hear me Do I obey or do I command? Oh Lord please forgive me For what I'm about to do Oh Lord won't you believe me I'll burn in hell for you Oh Lord won't you teach me Teach me how to see Oh Lord tell me you love me Am I Lillith or am I Eve?

Bleeding is a Luxury - Atreyu

I’ve talked the talk, I've walked the walk, It's taken ten fucking years, For them to see I don't need their approval. I've paid the piper, I've stayed my course, Lived chomping at the bit. With only blood, sweat, and tears to adhere to- Take it for granted, Forsake the costs, Wear a big, shit-eating grin (with only blood, sweat, and tears to adhere to) Now bear the burden to chase your fate Grind your teeth 'til it fucking hurts So they can see I don't need their approval. Seize the day, Take your beatings, Lead the way, Or decay as you fall down... You fall down.

Would you Still be There - Of Mice & Men – wow, this song in full. All of it. I can’t.

If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? I can't stop thinking about the way I left you sinking with no escape. Now there's no lifeline, no way to save. But maybe next time I won't throw it all away. Dislocated, I lie awake Suffocating in my mistakes. I lost my halo when I fell from grace, But maybe next time I won't throw it all away. I ask myself everyday... If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? If I could find the words to say, If I could shake the world to break you down, Then would you still be there?

The Broken - 3 Doors Down 

This is the call to the broken, the broken Take it from me. They don't care if you're lonely. As you can see, They don't care if you're scared. Your heart Is the only friend you have in this whole world. Don't start, Think you can do this yourself. I know what you're thinking. You say you're tired of keeping score, keeping score. Trust me, You're not the only one going through this. You see, I've been through this before, this before.

Wow, I Hate This Song - The Used – this one took a little imagination – hardest one so far – because it really is just about hating a song! So we’re HC’ing the Zepp track that reminds Dean most of Cas, post Empty.

Every time I hear the key I see you in the melody It never was a part of me Heart feels like it's being stabbed Kills me emotionally Dirty Little Secret - Bullet For My Valentine – let’s take this back to – take your pick…Leviathan!Cas, Godstiel, Casifer, any of the times that Cas did the wrong thing for the right reasons…and did not tell his boy. 

There once was a time Where everything was just so perfect Now everything has changed And you've become a total stranger I've seen another side to you I never even knew existed Dirty little secrets, dirty little secrets Giving in to your primal instincts There once was a time When anything I do is for you But everything has changed And I've become a lonely prisoner I'd kill, even die for you You never even tried resisting

Kill Plan - Parabelle

I'm sitting stunned just like a lesson I never learned Made of emotions and mistakes And what you say Leaves me lost and in the way And that's the place you stay Remember silence Now we're painted into corners So we can watch the world get sold out Hold me closer don't let the sun in Hold me closer don't let the sun in Cuz the setting sun feels like a cage Don't let me defend the kill plan

Roman Sky – Avenged Sevenfold – This song only has a few lyrics, but we can definitely make them work.

As the embers rose through the Roman Sky Tell me, were you calm when they took your life? Just before you go, tell us how the heavens flow Weightless evermore, as you walk beyond that door Shine forever true To Those Left Behind – blessthefall – these boys might be my favourite band ever, but these are ANGRY lyrics – these are about betrayal.  This is a relationship gone wrong. I feel these best work with the divorce arc, the Angry Dean that we see, or Dean’s mood after any of the “Cas fucked up again” moments. You found me at my worst When I was far too weak to grow In spite of all my fears And how I may have lost my way Only now I know the truth

Awake and coming clean

If you can't sleep It's your conscience That's eating away At the mess you made So let's end this Sew this last stitch Lift this weight off my chest I'll put you to rest The past should stay dead

How did we find ourselves here? Haunted by our own design With everything that's come to pass Makes it harder to confine

[deancas-fanfiction]

Hardest Part is Letting Go

Part 1/7

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Summary: Upon his diagnosis of a terminal illness, Dean vows to spend the rest of his short life with Cas by his side, completing his bucket list while learning what it really means to live and love. 

Also available on ao3.

Dean had never been a romantic – that was always Cas and his extravagant date planning. It was incredibly endearing, but Dean just wasn’t one of those people that cared about that kind of stuff. He loved it because Cas loved it. Funny how a terminal illness can change someone.

           It was one year earlier, just after Dean’s thirtieth birthday. Recently he hadn’t been feeling well. His energy level was low, and the sweeping waves of nausea became all too familiar. While low energy wasn’t exactly uncommon for him, this was different. Dean barely had the energy to get out of bed. At first, Cas assumed it was some kind of flu, so they spent day in bed watching old western movies and eating soup. It was a few days later when Dean realized something wasn’t quite right. Along with the loss of energy, came the loss of appetite, and consistent headaches. Dean hid it well, though. After all, he didn’t want to worry Cas or Sam. So he pretended everything was fine for the next few weeks and almost convinced himself he was starting to feel better. He thought that with time it would eventually go away. However, it ws quite the contrary.

           One morning Dean awoke at his worst with a sharp, hot pain in his head; it was by far the most excruciating thing he has ever experienced. Biting down on his pillow, he screamed. He screamed until his voice was hoarse, just trying to release some of the pressure in his head. His nails dug into the blankets, begging for the pain to end. Soon darkness took over his vision and he drifted into blissful unconsciousness, away from the pain.

           The next time Dean woke up he was in a hospital, with an IV hooked to his right arm and an oxygen tube in his nose. The fluorescent lights were harsh, highlighting the deep bags under his eyes. At least the pain in his head had subdued. His vision became sharper as the flog from the drugs cleared. Dean looked around the room, noting the ‘get well soon’ balloons and cards that littered the room. To his left was a card with a scrawl so ineligible it could only be identified as Sam’s attempt at handwriting. But the thing that caught his attention was Cas, sitting in this stiff chair next to his bed, his head resting on his hands.

           Dean shot up, suddenly alarmed as he remembered the events that led to him being here. He sat up, pulling at the IV, panic rising in his chest. His hate for hospitals was heightened and all he could focus on was getting out of here. But then Cas’s head shot up to the sounds of Dean rustling in bed. He scooted his chair closer to the bed, resting his hand on Dean’s.

           Dean frowned as he observed his boyfriend’s face. His nose was runny, and his eyes were pink and swollen. He had been crying. It was enough to stop Dean’s frantic movements as his heart rate increased. Cas very rarely cries, and when he does it’s for good reason. Cas ignored Dean’s questioning look. With light touches, he brushed Dean’s matted hair out of his face. It was comforting, but if anything, it just worried Dean more.  

           An advanced terminal illness. That’s what the test results said.    

           Those four words ruined Dean and Cas’s life. Those four words unraveled years of plans the two had previously made, imagining they had all of the time in the world. Now he was told he would have two years if he was lucky. Dean’s doctors offered aggressive treatment to prolong the inevitable, but he denied it. He knows what that treatment does to patients. They’re violently ill, bed ridden, and spend most of their time imprisoned in hospitals. Dean wanted to spend the rest of his short life as himself, with Cas by his side.

It wasn’t something to easily become accustomed to. Cas was in denial in the beginning. He went about life as if nothing has changed, but at night he would hold onto Dean extra tight, with no intention of letting go. It went on like this for a few weeks, until Dean came home from visiting Sam for the weekend to find Cas sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing. Dean dropped his duffel bag and wrapped his arms around Cas. He held him close, kissing the top of his head, burying his nose into his boyfriend’s dark hair, memorizing his scent. His hand rubbed small circles on Cas’s back, knowing it comforts him. He nearly let out a humorless laugh at the thought that he was the one dying, but also the one doing the comforting. It was then that he realized Cas is the only that has to live without him. If it was Cas dying, Dean knew he’d be completely broken too.

After they both released the emotions they had been repressing, they actually felt a little better. Now that they accepted the inevitable, they could live each day to the fullest. Without further discussion, Dean and Cas quit their respective jobs to focus on living life in the now. Besides, that’s what emergency savings are for, right?

This brings Dean to where he is now. Sitting in the living room at three in the morning with a glass of bourbon, paper, and a pen. He could feel his health slowly deteriorating and he knew he was running out of time. Dean estimated he had about six months remaining. At night he’d close his eyes and be met with the image of a clock. It would start with the seconds slowly ticking by and then morph into something sinister. Suddenly it was a calendar, with pages tearing away and flying off until there was nothing left but blackness and silence. There was nothingness. He’d wake in a cold sweat, with the constant reminder of the inevitable looming over his head. Dean shook his head, shaking the dark thoughts. He took a sip of his drink before focusing back on the task at hand.

1.     Have breakfast in bed

2.     Stargaze until the sun rises

3.     Kiss in the rain

4.     Rent a beach house for the weekend

5.     Watch Sam graduate from law school

6.     Go on a road trip with a kickass playlist

7.     Get married

8.     Go skinny dipping

9.     Die loved

Dean hadn’t realized he was crying until a tear his list, smudging some of his handwriting. There was still so much he wanted to do, so much more he wanted to see but deep down he knew he didn’t have the time for it. Hell, he didn’t=’t even know if he had time for his list. But he was going to try. He looked back at a few items on the list and managed a small smile, so much for not being a romantic.

Dean looked up when he heard some shuffling and the opening of a door. His eyes met a sleepy Cas, with his blue eyes bleary and hair ruffled more than usual. It was a sight he could never get sick of.

“Can’t sleep?” Cas asked quietly. Dean hummed in response, struggling to get his emotions in check. He hated this vulnerability that came with the diagnosis. Making this list made him even more emotional and he knew that crying in front of Cas would only make things harder.

“Me neither,” Cas sighed, joining Dean on the couch. He leaned into his side, curling in to soak in his body heat. “I can never sleep very long without you next to me.”

Dean smiled at that and kissed Cas on the temple. Cas sighed contentedly before frowning when he saw the list in Dean’s hand. “Is that your bucket list?”

“Yeah, I figured since we have some time, we should make the most of it, you know? And there’s a lot of things I’ll never get the chance to do, so I thought I’d make a list of the ones most important to me.”

Cas gingerly grabbed the list out of his hand and read through it, a sad smile on his face. “No backpacking across Europe?”

“I don’t think there’s time for a trip to Europe,” Dean mumbled. He and Cas had dreamed of backpacking across Europe since they were in college. They talked of romantic stops in Italy for the food, France for the champagne, Ireland for the Guinness and beautiful countryside, Scotland for the scotch, and so much more. Cas just nodded in response, swallowing the lump in his throat. He didn’t want to think about the concept of time at the moment.

“What do you want to do first?” Cas asked, his voice cracking.

“Right now, all I want to do is go to bed with you.”

“Alright, then let’s go to bed,” He replied, grabbing Dean’s hand and leading him into the bedroom with a sly smile on his face.

The next morning Dean awoke with another headache. He wasn’t surprised, it’s been happening a lot more often lately. He sat up and reached for the numerous pill bottles on the table next to the bed and took the numerous pills prescribed to him by his doctors to keep his symptoms under control. Forcing his legs out from under the warmth of the blankets, Dean got up to go see what Cas was doing. While Dean has always slept later than Cas, he usually lays in bed with him reading a book while waiting for Dean to wake. After all, Cas knows how much Dean hates waking up alone.

           Just as Dean was crossing the door, he was met with Cas carrying a tray full of chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, a heaping pile of bacon and his usual cup of coffee.

           “Cas…” Dean started, realizing what he was doing.

           “Dean! You ruined it. To have breakfast in bed, you actually need to be in bed.” He pouted which caused Dean to laugh at his boyfriend. He quickly turned around and crawled back into their bed.

           “We don’t have to do everything on the list right away, angel.” He retorted, pulling the warm blankets on his lap. His voice came across softer than the joking manner he intended. His gratefulness for Cas shone through his usual sarcastic façade. Cas chose to ignore the comment and set the tray on the middle of the bed, settling next to him. “But thank you,” Dean added, giving Cas a kiss on the lips.

           Cas smiled, his blue eyes impossibly bright in the early afternoon light. Dean sighed, staring as he admired Cas’s beauty. His dark hair is tousled, sticking in all directions accompanied with the stubble that comes from not shaving for a few days. He’s dressed in one of Dean’s classic rock shirts and a pair of boxers, with the smell of coffee lingering on his breath. Dean smiles at him, bacon momentarily forgotten, only consumed by thoughts of Cas. When things get bad, he wants to remember this specific moment and how happy the two of them are. ‘When things get bad…’ Dean ended that train of thought and shook himself out of his daze, turning his attention to his delicious breakfast instead.

________

A/N: Hi friends! I’m so excited to post my first Dean/Cas fanfic! I’ve written for other fandoms before but I just can’t shake the finale so here’s my coping mechanism. This fic is finished, totaling at about 15,000 words. I plan to post either weekly or twice a week, depending on the reception this gets. Please let me know any feedback or submit any prompts!

[hellas-himself]

More Than Enough

Remember that self indulgent crack ship holiday fic I was writing about Cassian and Feyre? And how I couldn’t seem to mix the past with the present? 

It’s a fic now. Still in the same AU just like... the year before. Leading up to the cheesy ass nonsense it is now. Originally it was going to be angsty at first but I think we have enough of that in our real life. If you haven’t read the crackship holidays featuring these two dumbasses, start here or on AO3.

Also. I promise all my other fics are not being abandoned. 

I’ve had a playlist to listen to when writing them but it is so incredibly inappropriate if you understand spanish. and i haven’t made it onto spotify yet. But this song reminded me of them and that’s where the title comes from. Which is funny because Alina is who i put beside Toni Mafud as Rhys and Feyre whenever fan casts come up. ANYWAY. 

Let’s follow Feyre as she thirsts after her best friend. 

.

.

.

I blame it on the music.

Cassian lost his shirt about half an hour ago and is doing pull ups. The garage door is open, letting in the cold winter air. My fingers are cold but I don’t like wearing gloves when sketching. I had been working on hands and eyes but once he tossed his shirt… It’s not like I’ve never seen Cassian without a shirt on before. Between him and his brothers, they seem to always find an excuse to not wear one. But the difference is I don’t find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to run my fingers down their backs.

It’s definitely the music.

Even if I didn’t understand the words, the beat itself is way too sensual to not be about anything else but sex. But the lyrics and Cassian’s sweaty, half naked body mixed with the fact that I haven’t had sex in months is probably the worst mix. I am not supposed to be imagining sleeping with my best friend.

I clear my throat, startling Valo who was falling asleep at my feet.

“Sorry, baby, I need a drink.”

I set my sketch book and pencil down on the crate beside my chair.

“Would you get me a drink, bunny?” Cas breathes out and my face flushes all the more. I didn’t need another detail to this stupid daydream.

“Yeah,” I squeak and head into the house. I already know his post workout drink recipe by heart. I drink ice cold water while the blender is going.

Cassian is suspended in the air, holding his entire body parallel to the floor with his hands. Goddamn him. He drops his head back so that he’s looking at me upside down and he smiles.

“I love you,” he says and I roll my eyes.

“I’ll love you more if you don’t bust your ass.”

He chuckles and just to drive the nail in the coffin that is my desire to be the reason he’s making noises like that, he slowly lowers his body and resumes his pull ups. I set his cup on the table where he has his tools and go back to sit down.

Cassian drops down and walks over to his mat to do his cool down stretches. A new song comes on and the words are so filthy that I find myself staring at him. His tattoos. My ex-boyfriend had always believed I was into Cassian- and I wasn’t. But I wasn’t blind and I’ve been at his house almost every single day since Thanksgiving- he is always without a shirt.

It’s just the music.

“Plan on drawing me?” Cassian asks and I blink. I look away from his tattooed chest and to his face. He is smirking. Shit.

“Uh. Yeah. What better way to do anatomy studies than with a living reference?”

“Anatomy, huh?”

He flashes me a grin before he walks over to the table for his drink.

“Hey, what do you want for dinner?”

His question distracts me from looking at his ass.

“Uh, whatever you want… I’m not really craving anything.” Except you. I sigh and cover my face with my hands and lean over. I need a cold shower.

“Hey… You alright?” he asks softly.

I nod and slowly sit upright.

“I’m just… I’m fine. I promise.”

He doesn’t believe me but he walks over to grab his speaker.

“I love this song,” he says and starts to sing along to it as he gratefully goes back into the house.  

Cassian meets me in the living room now dressed in a white tee and grey sweatpants. He lifts both my legs up so that he can sit down. This is normal. I always use his lap to rest my legs.

“I ordered Greek, I hope you don’t mind.”

“I told you, I’m not craving anything except-”

Fuck my entire life. Cassian raises a brow and I toss him the remote.

“Why don’t we finish your show so then we can watch my movie?”

This pacifies him and thankfully, his stupid show is so violent and bloody that all thoughts of fucking my best friend fade from my mind.

*

Our annual Christmas party is tonight and I’ve found an outfit. It is the kind of outfit Tamlin would have told me not to wear. It’s blood red and insanely inappropriate for winter with its spaghetti straps and super low neckline. Mor says it’s the perfect thing to wear after a break up and just the thought of all the pictures we’ll take with me and Cassian together makes me believe it.

I hang the dress up in the closet of Cassian’s bedroom. The heels are set beside his dress shoes and I can’t help but think about his reaction. Of dancing with him all night and coming back here and-

“Bunny!” 

“I’m in the closet!”

I hear him chuckle. 

“Shut up,” I call out and walk into the bedroom to find him pulling off his shirt. I feel my face go hot.

“I’m going to shower… do you want me to use the other bathroom?” 

“What? No, this is your house,” I say far more casually than I feel. “Besides, we’ve got time, we can share.” 

I want to punch myself in the face. Cassian starts to grin. 

“The shower might be a little too small for the both of us but I’m sure we could find a way to-”

Cassian laughs when I smack his arm. 

“Not exactly where I like being spanked but I’ll take it.”

“Oh my god, Cassian.”

He laughs and disappears into the bathroom. I force myself to leave the room when I hear the water.  

*

Cassian walks into the kitchen in nothing but a towel, his hair wet, water dripping down his chest. He walks over and takes the sandwich from my hands.

“Fuck, we’re out of beer,” he mutters as he opens the fridge. I grab the second sandwich I made, expecting him to steal from my plate and force my gaze up. On his stupidly gorgeous face.

“I can go get some,” I say but he shakes his head and walks over to take my cup of iced tea.

“Are you cool with us taking a cab tonight?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess.” 

Cassian drinks from my cup and sets it down before pinching my cheek. 

“It’ll just be you and me,” he says softly. “So don’t worry about it.”

I blush at this and Cassian kisses my forehead. 

“I’m gonna go get dressed. Thanks for the snack,” he says with a wink and walks away.

*

I keep my makeup rather muted; lip gloss and the usual winged liner. Nude eyeshadow. Cassian picked out the highlight and I have to admit, he chose well. My hair isn’t going to get any better, so I leave it in loose waves rather than the curls I’d wanted. I’ll leave that to Mor. I feel nervous, this is the first time since the breakup that I’m going out with all of our friends but Cassian will be there, and that’s enough to ease my nerves. Almost.  

“Our ride is here,” Cas says as he walks into his bedroom. He stops and just stares. I approach him and hold out my ID card and debit card, needing to ignore the way his attention has me feeling.

“I don’t have pockets.”

“What?” He blinks and looks down at my hand. He laughs and pulls his wallet out. “You only need your ID.”

“Maybe so,” I say and reach out to smooth down the collar of his shirt while he puts my cards away. I remember my lip gloss and put it in his back pocket, giving him a wink.

Cassian holds my hand when we go outside, helping me down the steps and the driveway. It’s a regular occurrence, but I blush when he opens the door for me. And when he slides an arm around my shoulders when he sits down beside me. We take a bunch of pictures and call Cassian’s parents to check on Val- as if we hadn’t seen him an hour ago. 

When we get to the club, Cassian holds my hand as we walk inside. Cassian and the boys are all friends with the owner, so we get to skip the line.

“Where are we going?” I ask as Cassian leads us up to the VIP lounge.

“Meeting up with Rhys.”

“What’s he doing up here?”

Cassian chuckles. “You know Rhys never passes a chance to be extra as fuck.”

I can’t argue with that.

Upstairs, Cassian helps me out of my coat. His fingers brush my skin and my mind takes a swan dive into the gutter.

“What do you say to a few drinks before we go downstairs?” he asks as he takes my hand. The bouncer outside the lounge acknowledges us with a nod.

“Yeah, I could use it.”

Cassian flashes me a grin and then opens the door.

“SURPRISE!” Everyone shouts and I find all of our friends standing under a Happy Birthday banner.

I am at a loss for words and Cassian laughs, bringing me further into the room. I’d completely forgotten about my birthday, I hadn’t cared enough to even think that anyone else would. But Elain is here with Az. So is Rhys and Lucien, Amren, Varian. Viv and Kallias, too. I’m separated from Cassian as I’m hugged and kissed by everyone. I realize Tarquin and Cresseida are here as well. Rhys is the one who breaks open the first bottle and we all stand around the little table to take shots.

“There is a cake,” Elain says as she hands me another shot. “But that’s later.”

“Later?”

She winks at me and shouts for Azriel.

“That’s my favorite song!” she exclaims and her husband happily ditches his brothers to go out and dance with his wife.

Lucien and Rhys pull me in for another hug as the others begin to trail down to the dance floor.

“You look good enough to eat,” Lucien mumbles and I laugh.

“Don’t tell me you’re already drunk, Luce.”

“We may have pregamed at the house,” Rhys admits. “But we took an uber! It’s okay.”

I roll my eyes.

“You both suck. I’m going to go find me two other cute boys to dance with. Boys who would have invited me to pregame with them and no amount of flirting is going to fix that.”

They begin to whine and I laugh, holding onto Rhysand’s forearms as they keep me caged between them.

“Alright! You win!” I say with a laugh and look over to find Cassian looking my way. He smiles.

I want to ask him to dance but Mor pulls him away before I can open my mouth.

We drink and dance and drink and dance and drink some more. I feel light headed and everything makes me laugh. But I haven’t danced with Cassian yet and that’s enough to dampen the mood. I push my way through the crowd until I find Cassian at the bar. I take the empty barstool beside him and sit down. I order myself a margarita before turning to face him.

“And where have you been all night?” I ask and Cassian smirks.

“Enjoying the night,” he says and takes a sip of his drink.

“Without me?”

I don’t understand the look in his eyes as he takes a sip of his drink. He sets the glass down and leans forward. I didn’t really understand just how short this dress was until he lays his hand on my thigh. If I turn my chair completely, if he moves his hand just an inch more…

“Yes,” he says and kisses me cheek. “But I think I’m about to enjoy it more now.”

“Why?” I manage to say. Cassian’s hand brushes my thigh as he sits upright.

“I’m about to go dance with my best friend.”

“Are you now?”

My drink is set before me and I grab it, chugging it down as Cassian slides off his chair. He turns mine so that I’m facing him completely and puts his hands on my hips.

“If she says yes, of course.”

I finish the last of my drink and set down the glass.

“When have I ever said no to you?”

Cassian grins.

I have danced with Cassian many times. At parties, at the beach, at clubs and bars and festivals. At his parents’ house. I should be used to the feeling of his body against mine, of his hands on me while we dance but not like this. I want nothing more than to take him back up to the lounge and push him down on the sofa or go find an empty bathroom stall.

But I don’t.

Birthday cake and alcohol isn’t the best mix, but I haven’t felt this alive in months. My face hurts from laughing, from smiling. My vision is spotty from all the pictures we’ve taken but I don’t care. Everything is right in the world.

“My feet hurt,” I complain and sit on Cassian’s lap.

“Want me to rub your feet?”

I shake my head and lean into him.

“No. Not until I’m showered.”

He laughs. “Okay.”

I sigh when he wraps his arms around me. He is so warm and smells so good, I want to stay this way forever.

“I think the birthday girl is done for the night,” Rhys says teasingly and I realize I was dozing off. I look up to see Rhys standing there with a stupid smirk on his face.

“Fuck you,” I say and curl up in Cassian’s arms. I feel his hand holding my dress down from showing everyone else my ass.

“Tempting,” Rhys says and then shoves his hands in his pockets. “But I think I’ll pass.”

I don’t think much of the look Rhys gives Cassian in favor of playing with his hair. I take way too much satisfaction in the knowledge that not everyone gets to do this, and that he enjoys it. Cassian seems to win whatever silent staring contest he and Rhys were having and Rhys rolls his eyes and goes after his boyfriend.

“You’re making me sleepy, bunny.”

“Good thing we’re going home together then,” I say before my mind catches up. But Cassian only chuckles and hugs me a little closer.

*

Cassian and I are a laughing mess as we stumble into the house. I lean on him to step out of my heels and he laughs as I shrug off my coat and toss it at him. We’re both trying to catch our breath, and I swat his hand away when he tries to tickle me again.

“I’m taking a shower,” I breathe out and walk off but he stops me.

“Wait,” he says and I turn to find him smiling.

“What?”

“Happy birthday,” he says softly and pulls me in for a hug. “I promise I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.”

“Hm… you really know the way to a girl’s heart, Cas.”

He pinches my side and I yelp.

“Go shower,” he says and kisses the top of my head.

“I won’t be long.”

My shower is clumsy and not at all relaxing. My feet hurt. So I put lotion on my body and grab the bottle of perfume that is on the dresser, except it’s not perfume but cologne. I shrug and put on Cassian’s Nirvana tee shirt and double check I actually have underwear on before I go looking for him.

“Cas?” The house is dark save for the light coming from his room. “My feet fucking hurt.”

He says something but I don’t understand it. His room is open and I step inside, finding him lying on his bed. He’s got basketball shorts on and his hair is loose.

“Bunny!” he says as if he hadn’t seen me all day. “I almost busted my ass in the shower.”

“Me, too.” I say with a laugh. “Maybe we should’ve showered together. It would’ve been safer that way.”

“I like the way you think, Archeron.”

He holds his hand out to me and when I’m close enough, he pulls me into bed with him. “You smell good.”

I snort. “I smell like you.”

“Exactly.”

I swat his arm but he ignores it, putting his arms around me.

“My feet hurt,” I complain, hoping he’ll make good on his promise.

“Just stay here,” he says simply.

My heart stops and starts too fast.

“Like… sleep here?” I ask too quietly.

“Mhm.” He goes quiet for a moment and then groans. “I forgot to turn the light off.”

“I can do it,” I say.

“No… Stay here.”

He goes quiet once more, and I let myself relax. We haven’t shared a bed since we were kids, playing video games until Adela would force us to go to bed. I smile at the thought and rest my head against his chest.

“Goodnight, Cas,” I say quietly, my eyes getting heavy.

“Goodnight, bunny,” he says and lets me go to stretch. Then he wraps his arms around me again and moves us so that we’re on our sides. He presses a kiss to my forehead and I close my eyes, letting the warmth of him lull me to sleep.

.

.

.

@mythicaitt @bookloveaffair @nalgenewhore @candid-confetti 

[ronweasleyisourking]

This is How We Dance Chapter 1 | Read on AO3 here

Modern & Muggle AU where the marauders all go to a pride event where the girls have a gig. Ft. genderqueer Sirius who loves glitter, mesh clothing and their boyfriend; the marauders using the Potter mansion as a coterie; James, Lily & Regulus being in a polyam relationship; many, many songs; and our favorite marauder girls in a band called The Q Rebellion.

“WE GOT THE GIG! WE GOT THE BLOODY FUCKING GIG!” Marlene yelled, running through the halls of their house. It was barely 7 AM and Marlene’s loud voice was echoing off the walls, which, to be honest, was one of the worst ways to wake up in Sirius’s mind.

They slipped out of bed, not even bothering to put on more clothes and opened their and Remus’s door to find Marlene at the top of the steps, about to start another round around the second floor, which was where the bedrooms were. Sirius growled at her, not something uncommon for them, and said, “Marly, I told you. Stop using the word ‘bloody’ so close to the word ‘fucking’. We’re 22, we do not need to be thinking about our first times.”

Marlene rolled her eyes, and said “Shut up Si,” before yelling, “BECAUSE WE GOT THE BLOODY! FUCKING! GIG!” Sirius raised an eyebrow at her in question, and Marlene yelled, “THE GIG! The gig for the Pride concert hosted every year at that pub ran by the cute lesbian who I used to flirt with to make Cas (an: pronounced like ‘Kiss’; a nickname for Dorcas) jealous!”

Sirius finally got her excitement, and they started jumping around, “The Three Broomsticks gig? Oh Merlin, I’m so proud of you guys!” Everyone else had started walking out of their bedrooms, sleepy and confused but when they heard the last part of the conversation, they started jumping around too. James and Regulus stopped jumping in excitement when they saw Lily, who was eight months pregnant bouncing and went into “protective boyfriends” mode.

While those three were in their own little world, Dorcas, the sleepiest of them all, said, “Wait, we got the gig?” Marlene nodded, and Dorcas grabbed Mary’s arms, jumping up and down like little kids would, and then Marlene tackled them both to the floor. They were all kind of a mess.

When James stopped his little rant about how bouncing could hurt the baby to a very annoyed, very hungry but ultimately very loved Lily and Lily had gone on her rant about how she was the woman in the relationship and how she was the one pregnant and how she knew her own body, he turned to the rest of them, sighing at having lost yet another argument with his girlfriend and at the sight of the three girls on the floor, and said, “I’m making celebratory pancakes!”

Almost everyone started making their way downstairs, Marlene saying that she needed to call their managers, Gideon and Fabian, and Remus and Sirius staying upstairs for a celebration of their own, happy to have the upstairs to themselves for once.

A week later, everyone was piled into Marlene’s huge van, which could only actually seat five of them with the instruments and equipment in the back. James, ever the mom friend, was driving with Lily, at everyone’s insistence, was in the passenger’s seat, while the other six were smushed into the middle seats, Sirius in their mesh shirt and skinny jeans that left nothing to the imagination sitting in Remus’s lap, Marlene and Dorcas making out heavily in the middle, and Mary squeezed in between the hot and heavy girls and Regulus, who just looked uncomfortable.

“Why can’t we take two cars again?” he cried out and everyone, even Marlene and Dorcas, looked at him like he was crazy.

“This is how we bond, Reg!! Friends need to bond!” Marlene replied, looking very serious about her answer, but with one look at his bewildered face, she bursts out laughing, “No, it’s because James, your boyfriend, is our main source of income, budget planner and the environmentalist of the group, and insists that using two cars when we can all fit in one is increasing our carbon footprint and killing the earth.”

“Oh, right,” Regulus said, before deadpanning, “James we have to break-up.”

“Regulus, don’t you dare, I cannot raise this baby alone!” Lily cried out, and everyone began to flip out because what the fuck did she mean by that.

“If Regulus left, James would die of sadness, and I would isolate myself to live alone for the remainder of my miserable life,” Lily said, rubbing her swollen baby and continuing “plus, I love Regulus too much to let him leave.”

Everyone awwwed, except James, who looked perturbed at everyone making a joke about his environmentalism, and Regulus, who blushed deeply and said, “I love you too Lily.”

No one noticed that Remus and Sirius were now the ones snogging, Sirius turning the make-out session down a far too sexual path seeing as they were less than a foot away from other people.

They took one stop at a petrol station, James saying that they needed to get fuel  now, because they would be too pumped to think about it after the show, and as soon as Regulus got out of the car, he took a deep breath of fresh air and made a dramatic scene that challenged Sirius’s role as the drama queen of the group.

James rolled his eyes and said, “Fineee, Reg, we’ll take two cars next time and risk killing the planet.” Obviously, he didn’t really mean it, but everyone, even Lily who had been sitting alone, thanked Merlin and he knew he wouldn’t be able to take it back.

Once they were all back in the girl, now with snacks they got from inside, Mary said, “Reg is right. I would rather be tied to the top of the car than shoved inside.”

Marlene looked at her with wide eyes, “Oh, Merlin, your kinky side is coming out, Mary, this means we really need to get you laid. Maybe you’ll meet someone at the concert.”

“One, eww. Two, that is not what I meant. Three, I doubt it,” Mary replied snarkily.

Everyone started debating Mary’s love life, or lack of it, and she just sat there thinking that, yes, even being tied to the back of the car would be preferable to this. Finally, she reached into the front seat, turning on the radio, and as if by fate, Is it still me who makes you sweat? Am I still who you think about in bed? were the first lyrics they heard and everyone forgot about the car ordeal and began laughing and singing.

Fic Playlist

Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

When You Least Expect It, Preview - Part 8

Jensen x Musician!Reader

Preview of Part 8! The full chapter should be up over the weekend.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven

Spotify PlayList

Everything Tags: @kazosa // @sorenmarie87  // @lefthologramdeer //  @his-paradox //  @letsby // @thefaithfulwriter

SUPERNATURAL TAGS: @wings-of-a-raven // @negans-wife // @mrsbarnes-rogers  // @teller258316 // @spnhollis // @sweet-things-4-life // @hobby27 // @sweetlythoughtfulbird // @theoriginalvicki // @dreamchester67 // @xxwarhawk // @babykalika2001 // @superwhovianfangirl81 // @toobusynerdfighting // @missihart23 // @idreamofplaid // @thewinchesterchronicles // @wayward-gypsy  // @closetspngirl // @fatestemptress // @rebelminxy  // @22sarah08 // @witch-of-letters// @cole-winchester // @rainflowermoon // @adoptdontshoppets // @waywardvalkyrie // @fandomoniumflurry // @gnrfanfic // @blackcherrywhiskey // @jessieray98  // @lyoly  // @a–1–1–3 // @31shadesofbrown // @whereismyangel-damnitdeanshare // @pilaxia // @screechingartisancashbailiff //  @kgbrenner // @holylulusworld // @deansenwackles // @jamielea81 // @coffeebooksandfandom // @logical-princey // @gemini0410 // @salt-n-burn-em-all // @collette04 // @mrswhozeewhatsis // @deathofmissjackson // @lauravic // @akshi8278 // @katehuntington

When You Least Expect It: @winchest09 // @jerkbitchidjitassbutt // @aomi-nabi // @luciathewinchestergirl // @alexisxwinchester // @moonxdance // @seppys-return-to-madness // @donnaintx // @deans-baby-momma // @the-is13

“Hey! Did I miss anything?” Rob said and plopped down into his seat, his beer now completely saturated in condensation from sitting untouched.

“Nope,” Y/N said and leaned back in her chair, “Jay and I were just catching up. By the way, fun concert tonight. You boys rock out like that at every one of these conventions?”

“We do,” Rob smiled, “It's usually a really good time. You need to start coming to more of them, you fit right in up there. If you’re up for it, that is. I mean, you and Bri sounded amazing together. That should happen more. Right, Jensen? Maybe I should grab her and Bri, then we take this act on the road?” He wiggled his eyebrows and playfully draped an arm over Y/N’s shoulders, drawing her into his side.

Jensen opened his mouth to respond and the lights of the bar dimmed on and off, before settling into a hazy ambiance. The duo took to the stage again and picked up their instruments for another set of four songs. While they played, Y/N took out her phone and zoomed in to record them play. She took less than thirty seconds of video before tucking it away.

“What’s that for?” Rob leaned in and whispered.

“I’ve been taking videos and pictures of all the acts so far, to put them out on the social media accounts. The followers have been growing a lot. Hoping by the time the pre-sale starts next month, all the final acts will be in place and lots of tickets will go fast once they get a look at the line up and diversity of the acts.”

“Smart girl,” Rob mused before leaning back in his seat.

As their second set played on, they transitioned into a cover of Etta James’ Misty Blue. Y/N knew it almost instantly. It was one of those songs that immediately conjured up a memory and not necessarily ones that she wanted to have present. Her initial reaction was that she wouldn’t let the memories of the song hit her like a tidal wave. But by the time the first few lines were sung, she was already being pushed underwater.

“Do you guys want another round?” she asked in a hushed whisper, suddenly desperate to get up and move around.

“Sure, but I ca--”

She waved Rob to sit. “I’ll go.”

Y/N didn’t wait and left the table in a hurry, headed towards the bar. She wanted to leave the club completely, but it was just a song after all. She just needed a moment to herself and she would be able to push away the memories of her father playing it on repeat after her mother left. Y/N didn’t want to think about how he would sit on the couch, staring out of the window at the ocean, most liking wishing he was out on the sea, instead of in the house he had shared with the woman he loved.

Somewhere around the second chorus, Y/N had realized that she wasn’t standing alone at the end of the bar, Jensen now standing next to her, reaching out to take her hand.

“Hey, you ok?”

Y/N shook her head but then chuckled. “Yeah, I’m just being stupid.”

He watched her carefully and could see she was far from the truth. “What’s wrong? Something is clearly wrong.”

“It's the song. Just… reminds me of--”

“The ex?”

“No… not at all. My dad, actually.”

“Oh,” Jensen breathed and pulled out the stool next to her and guided her to sit.

He stood right at her side and motioned to the bartender to bring over another round. When he looked back down at her, he wanted to offer some kind of comfort but wasn’t sure where the boundaries had been set. “Do you wanna get out of here? We can take a walk, or…”

“No,” she replied again, but this time gazed up at him and was struck by how suddenly grateful she was that he was there. She didn’t talk to many people about her dad, yet she felt comfortable sharing things about him with Jensen. “The messed up part is I love the song. But after my mom left, he played it repeatedly for months. He and my brother would fight about it constantly. Then Dave started being home less often, then eventually took off for good. I mean, it wasn’t just the song, obviously. They butted heads over everything.”

“What about you?”Jensen asked, just as the beer was left for them on the bar top. “Did it bother you?”

“Not then, no. I knew it was what he needed to work through it. That’s just how my dad was. I learned from an early age that music was how he dealt with stuff. Whenever he had a problem or got hurt, felt angry he would go to music. He was a man of few words, but you always knew what kind of mood he was in by what was playing in the house.”

Y/N sighed at his memory, and as the song she both loved and hated came to an end, she felt Jensen rest his hand on the middle of her back, gently gliding his thumb back and forth over the fabric of her shirt. She liked the warmth and weight of it against her and silently hoped he stayed just where he was. It was inviting. Soothed her enough so as she sat in the dimly lit corner of Rosa’s Lounge, she felt ready to trust him a little more.

What���s the worst that could happen? She asked herself. I end up singing Joy to the World, right, daddy?

“One time, my brother had stormed out after dinner, so my dad sat out on the bench and killed a six-pack. He had this on repeat, of course. I remember going out there and sitting on the bench with him. I wanted to ask him so many questions, but I could tell he just wanted to sit quietly. Then he started to sing along with it. And I mean, his eyes closed, a few tears in his eyes, and just this look of pure anguish, you know? He was ripe for a country song to be written about him.”

“Oh yeah, I know the look,” Jensen said.

“It was one of the few times I’d seen him cry. He sang through a verse and a chorus and then finally remembered I was there.” Y/N stopped and drank her new beer, and felt his hand still there only now slowly working its way to the small of her back. “I guess over time I just realized that music could talk for those would didn’t have the words to express how they felt.”

Y/N felt like she was rambling on and bit her lip to stop talking. Taking a gulp of the beer, she felt a sense of relief when they came to the end of Misty Blue and picked up the melody of some old Muddy Waters tune.

“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right. That’s how it was for your dad?”

Y/N nodded. “Me too, actually. As you’ve experienced, I’m not a great communicator,” she chuckled nervously and raised her glass before taking a sip.

“Oh, I dunno,” he said with a slight shrug. “I think you’re doing just fine.”

Y/N turned her head to look at him. His features looked drawn and tired, but his eyes were alive with something she couldn’t quite place. Being close to him again, and not just in proximity, but opening up about things that were very personal to her satisfied a need she didn’t even realize she had. Though he looked weary, he looked happy.

“You look beat. You should have gone back to the hotel to sleep.”

“Trying to get rid of me?”

“Never.”

“Good. I mean you’re not wrong. I’m fucking beat. But I wanted to come out with you guys tonight. I really did miss having you around, Y/N.”

“I think we got what we needed. We can call it a night. You have another long day tomorrow, right?”

“Eh, I’ll be fine. I’m used to these schedules by now,” he waved her off and ran his fingers along the rim of his glass. “Besides, we were talking about you, not me.”

“I would rather talk about you. Are you sleeping enough? Traveling too much? Please tell me you’re not just gorging on Sow burgers and beer every day, are you?” she asked sternly, though Jensen could easily see through her facade and sarcasm. She was asking because she cared and wanted to know he was taking care of himself.

“Yes ma’am. I am well rested, hydrated, and have even been eating my veggies.” He was teasing her now.

“Don’t give me that look. Someone’s gotta make sure you’re taken care of.”

Jensen smiled and looked up through the bar, watched the blues duo play for a beat before turning back to Y/N. “That’s your job, is it?”

Y/N shrugged, then changed the subject. “You coming out with us tomorrow night, too?”

“Do you need me to?”

“No. Not necessarily.”

“Oh,” he sighed, the disappointment oozing from that single word.

“But… I’d like you to. You certainly make it more fun.”

Tags are open for SPN or this series if you wanna hop on (or off)!

[casworan]

❝ pride was fed to him from a silver spoon and now that he’s grown up, he’s grabbed the spoon and fed his ego some more. ❞ THOMAS HAYES? No, that’s actually CASWORAN ROWLE. Only EIGHTEEN years old, this SLYTHERIN alumni works as a PHILANTHROPIST and is sided with THE DEATH EATERS. HE identifies as A CIS MAN and is a PUREBLOOD who is known to be SNOBBISH, ENTITLED, and CRUEL but also DISCIPLINED, METICULOUS and CHARISMATIC. 

LINKS: stats, pinboard, playlist. CHARACTER PARALLELS: schmidt (new girl), henry winter (the secret history), alistair ryle (the riot club), chad radwell (scream queens), chad charming (descendants) --- (how are two of these named chad wtf) HELLO uh just a heads up that i donut condone any of the behaviour this shithole throws into the world. yikes! also there’s some triggers in here for abuse and terminal illness, but they will be marked <3 

history

let’s get one thing straight --- emrick rowle and hemera rosier did not love each other when they married each other and they knew about it. they both agreed that their marriage was a good choice, a smart move, that it would benefit both and --- well, they both had ambition streaming through their veins, so the choice was made easily. they married, for political reasons, for money, but absolutely not for love. 

casworan was born a year into their marriage and was the perfect son. he wasn’t given a welsh name like so many rowles before him had, but a cornish one, celebrating hemera’s mother’s cornish ancestry. 

casworan means one who is powerful in battle, which emrick liked. he wanted a soldier, a pawn, a piece in his great chess match that was the world.

cas is a cousin to genie, wes and lo, and also to seren on his mother’s side.

and casworan’s parents might not love each other, they did love him. his mother’s love was doting and smothering, but genuine and unconditional.  his father’s was conditional, and based on expectations and constantly changing from hot to cold. emrick raised casworan to the perfect heir, the perfect son, the perfect pawn.

emrick rowle is a strategist, but also a coward. he uses his money and influence to pull strings behind the scenes, but is never the one to publicly call the shots. casworan is his son, but he’s also ... another piece in the game. he’s the person who’ll pick up where he left off, and emrick won’t leave everything to someone he does not trust and respect.

hemera is evan rosier’s daughter, by the way, and by no means a sweetheart, but a better parent. compared to emrick, the standard is quite low but still --- she is a better parent, and casworan is a complete momma’s boy. 

so casworan grows up --- spoiled dirty and loved by both parents. he learns languages (french and kernowek from his mother, latin and english grammar and such from a tutor), learns to play the violin, learns about his family’s history and legacy and how it intertwines with the rest of the history of the wizarding world, learns about blood purity and how one day he and his parents will rise above all the unworthy members of their society. he takes it all up and questions nothing, both because he has no reason to, and because his parents are convincing.

abuse tw (verbal and physical) // that’s not to say life was perfect. there was always a certain coldness at home. the lack of love between cas’ parents was clear to him from a young age, and it’s quite a strange thing, when your parents don’t seem to love each other but dont have any issue with it. there was no room for failure at home, no room for toeing the line. his father’s words could go from praising and prideful to harsh and cruel in seconds, his hands hard and unforgiving. casworan learned to keep his back straight and work harder and to swallow whatever anger he felt. he listened to every word that came from his father’s lips and took them in as truth and never questioned the way things were. end of tw

casworan went to hogwarts at age eleven ( he’d seen the castle before, of course --- he’d visited hogsmeade plenty of times before with his mother ) and was sorted into slytherin there. it was an easy sorting --- there were not many non-slytherin qualities the hat saw, besides maybe a sense of loyalty and a hunger for learning but cas’ cunning, shrewdness and ambition outweighed everything. 

hogwarts came easy to casworan. he was a good learner and knew plenty of people from his life before school -- people who ran in the same circles. to branch out wasn’t something he felt he needed to do, with a few exception here or there ( for either particularly skilled people or other purebloods he didn’t know yet ). casworan likes learning, values his education and was, well, a nerd. a hardworking student. was in a few clubs too, i’m sure --- i will get back on that when i have it figured out for plotting purposes! 

terminal illness tw // in casworan’s third year, his mother fell ill. it was a genetic disease, an incurable one, one that soon left her weakened and bedbound and tired. his father’s response wasn’t to stick to her side --- they didn’t love each other after all, and in all honesty, hemera didn’t want him on her side either --- but to flee in stead. his involvement in shady dealings grew and he retreated to the city more and more for work. casworan ... well, didn’t respond very well. 

abuse tw // he raged. he cried and raged and kicked against his father’s shins and demanded that he solved this because, well, the world had always given casworan exactly what he wanted, and when he got something he absolutely did not want, the one person he could blame was his father. he acted like a child because he was one, and his mother was going to die, and his father broke the news in such a cold way that he couldn’t help but rage. his tantrum was met with cold eyes and the same cruelty cas had felt before.

this was when a seed of hate for his father started to grow, something he’d never even dared to feel before. it’s still growing to this day. end of abuse tw //

a family friend moved in to help his mother, and they got a second house elf and life changed, thigns shifted. casworan learned what it was to feel out of control and well, he didn’t like it one bit. he’s entitled and spoiled and used to getting everything he wants and this situation is something he has absolutely no say in and it drives him mad. rather than give him some perspective, it just makes him act more entitled and controlling in the rest of his life. end of terminal illness tw //

so cas makes his way through hogwarts, acting like an entitled twat, hanging with his lads, having a laff here and there and earning a whole lot of NEWTs. he had no qualms sharing his world views or sharing his entitled nature, here and there showing a more violent and cruel streak. casworan is a bully, an elitist prick, someone who looks down on most people. 

when the war breaks out, well --- he’s quick to sign up. he believes in the cause, of course, and there’s no other option, really. he’s been prepped for this life. this is what he was made to do. he doesn’t even consider not joining. and so he joins and feels pride and power and a thirst to proof everyone around him that he’s the motherfucking shit. what an IDIOT.

besides his death eater life, cas is mostly focused on maintaining his image. like his father, he works hard on things like charity and philanthropy, so his name appears in the newspaper linked with good news almost exclusively. he’s picky, of course, about the causes he works for ----- things related to education, he genuinely works for, but there’s also some questionable things he donates to.

and then besides that, cas is mostly focused on enjoying life. getting drunk or high out of his mind, fucking shit up with the lads, having a good old time because guess what? the world is his to own and ruin, and he won’t stop at nothing. he’s entitled and obnoxious, but he always pays and tips well and sees absolutely no issues with his behaviour. he can’t wait for the world to become even more his as the war progresses. 

personality & tidbits

...... an asshole.

no literally he’s such an asshole. he’s so fucking used to the world catering to his ugly needs and getting everything he wants and he’s so entitled and such an ASSHOLE.

someone please punch him

anyway --- he likes Extra things. velvet and silk and rich fabrics and leather shoes and accessories with snake themes and polo shirts and ... he dresses like a frat boy, but then mixed with wizarding fashion

ugly. 

pretentious and snobbish to a fault. wants nothing but the best and is used to the best. would often complain about the house elves and their quality of food at hogwarts, because his house elves were much better cooks, they had been trained in france after all!!!

kind of hates his name and prefers to go by cas at all times, and i dont blame him

has daddy and mommy issues lmao !!! 

capitalist right wing scum, tbh. would have voted trump and brexit and all that shit if he was a real person. I HATE HIM SO MUUUUUCHHHHHHH.

“if youre poor, thats your own fault!”

he is literally the worst person

i hate-write this character its a load of fun

he loves his hair lmao

plays the violin and generally likes classical music? a snob, i told yall. also likes other music, let me figure it out pls thanks

okay let’s talk about some of his better sides because so far all ive done is drag this kid and thats reasonable, but ... he’s got some good things, i guess. 

he’s a good friend. like, if you’re his mate, you’re his mate for life (or until you turn your back, which is when he will feel hurt and will hurt u back yike!). he’ll be there for u Big Time. not good at emotional support, but good at sitting with a glass of wine/whiskey and talking/listening. will finance u if u need it (he doesnt like poor ppl but makes an exception for friends i guess?). will punch someone for u.

he ... does really value education? he would just like to see hogwarts change around bc there’s so much unnecessary shit (read: muggleborn students and subjects like muggle studies and divination). but yeah, he rly thinks that learning is important and that u have to ~broaden your mind ( but not too much ofc )

he is pretty family oriented, and rn he’s of course 18 so that’s not a big thing, but he’d be a ... proper dad? i think? he rly wants a big fam eventually

still a dick

good dueller and generally a pretty skilled wizard which is a bummer :/

loves partying and getting drunk out of his mind and then breaking stuff that isnt his, very riot club like

idk what else to say but HE IS AN ASSHOLE. 

[destielfanfic]

... like a rock star

The moment we saw this amazing fake magazine cover, we just knew we gotta make rock star destiel fic rec list. Thank you @monicad-photography for giving us permission to use your edit! (original graphic on Monica D twitter, original photo on Darius Marder twitter)

Fake magazine covers may just be the next shiny thing in this fandom and we are ready. Remember our first one, Here kitty kitty fic rec list based on Entertainment Weekly photo shot? Good times. ;)

And here’s a small collection of rock and country music destiel. Check out our Music tag for other music related fics.

All links go to our tagged reviews/ submitted recs unless noted otherwise. 

and anywhere I lay my head I’ll call it home by janie_tangerine [NC-17, 13,100 word count] - in the middle of nowhere there’s a bar where Cas sings Tom Waits’ songs. Dean is charmed.

Cas and Dean’s Infinite Playlist by kkingofthebeach [NC-17, 48,000 word count] - movie Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist fusion, High School AU. Dean is in the band, Cas likes his music even before he has a chance to meet him

Happily Alone by violue [NC-17, 14,700 word count] (submitted rec) Dean is a rock star, Cas doesn’t care about his fame

The Holiday by AlreadypainfullyGone [M, 30,300 word count] (on AO3, previously recced here) - movie The Holiday fusion with a side of sabriel, not 1st person POV. Dean is a famous country singer, Cas is from from England and has no clue. 

Play It All Night Long by janie_tangerine [NC-17, 43,000 word count] - a fandom classic! Dean is a night radio DJ, Cas is lonely. Cue a lot of conversations about Bob Dylan. 

Shootin’ You Straight by rockstarpeach [NC-17, 40,400 word count] - Cas finally has a chance to meet his idol, rock star Dean; it is the best and the worst thing that happened to him 

Take the Lead  by JinxedAmbitions [NC-17, 59,100 word count] - one of the rare fics with rock star Cas. Dean is a martial artist. Together they explore BDSM. 

Texas State of Mind by palominopup [NC-17, 69,800 word count] - retired country music singer Dean W meets rising country singer Castiel N

What Once Was Sacred by saltandbyrne [NC-17, 55,800 word count] - DJ Cas plays sexy music at hip nightclub, and he’s also an incubus. Detective Dean W can resist one but not other. 

When I See You Again by noxsoulmate [NC-17, 42,300 word count] (submitted rec) - famous singer Dean + ex boyfriend doctor Cas = reunion after 10 years

And some new recs! All fics are hosted on AO3

coffee and warriors by justkeeponwriting [T, 4,800 word count]

“Don’t you know who I am?” “I’m sorry, have we met?” In which Dean is a rock star who expects to be recognized everywhere, and Castiel doesn’t listen to the radio.

The Cupcake Verse by destimushi [NC-17, 14,500, 4 parts so far]

“Only idiots order cranberry.” Dean’s finger rests against the glass case in front of a row of cranberry cupcakes, his order frozen on his tongue. Annoyance ripples through him, and Dean straightens and spins to face the judgmental asshole behind him. “What d’you say?” ... /summary cut for space/

The Devil's Music by Amazonia_8 [NC-17, 24,700 word count]

The Hunters have been getting on just fine without him, but when his brother gets into a jam, Dean's called out of exile and given one more chance to strap on a guitar and hit the road with his family. One tiny problem. None too happy with the group's hard rock reputation, the investors have sent an agent to keep the brothers out of trouble. The hot as sin, socially awkward agent who Dean may have accidentally propositioned on the flight over.But you know what's more fun than misbehaving on the road to the roar of thousands of fans? Seeing if he can get Castiel to misbehave, too.

Lay It On The Line by SeashellDestihell [NC-17, 5000 word count]

Dean and Castiel have been secretly married for months without getting the press involved, but one drunken night in a hotel leads to coming out in the most awkward way possible. 

ETA, September 2024 - And some more recs!

Pineapple on Pizza by HigherMagic [T, 18,100 word count]

In a world where everyone is colorblind until meeting their soulmate, Castiel suddenly sees color during one of his concerts.

Syncopation by K_K_TiBal [T, 14,900 word count]

Dean Winchester is almost fine with not knowing who his soulmate is. He’s got a good life, good family, and doesn’t mind the one night stands with others who also haven’t found someone with their same soulmark. It isn’t until Sam shows Dean a picture of the pop-star Castiel - a celebrity infamous for hiding his soulmark among hundreds of other tattoos - that Dean thinks he may have found his soulmate. But how is he supposed to let a worldwide phenomenon know that they belong together - and will Castiel even care?

What's Between Us by goldenraeofsun [NC-17, 66,500 word count]

While they're both musicians, Dean Winchester and Castiel couldn’t be more different. Dean regularly performs to sold-out stadiums, graces the covers of entertainment magazines, and writes Grammy-winning albums. He’s been a staple of the music scene since he was sixteen, a veteran of the industry at barely twenty-seven. Castiel can hardly fill a 700-capacity theater and makes music alone in his bedroom at two in the morning when he can’t sleep. So when Dean reaches out over email, asking to cover one of Castiel’s songs at one of the biggest shows of his tour, Castiel can hardly say no. And when Dean keeps talking to him, it’s not like Castiel expects to become friends - or fall for the man behind the music he’s been listening to for years.

And as always,  if you enjoyed the fic, please drop by the archive (AO3) and let the author know with your comments and/or kudos! 

[kwonhozhi]

We Could Be Gigantic

for @padfootdidntdoit , whomst i would be lost without 

word count: 4700

part i | AO3 | spotify playlist

November

When the kettle begins boiling in earnest, it drowns out the ticking of that awful clock that Sirius found in a train station, or at the bottom of the Thames, or in nineteen fifty-two. He installed it so far up the wall behind the fridge that Lily hasn’t a hope of reaching it unless she somehow manages to grow an extra three feet, and it drives her mad (especially considering he’s only eight inches taller than her). The point of this is that Lily spends as much time as possible per day boiling the kettle. Lately, her rate of tea consumption is just about levelling James’, which is – well, she sent him a crate of real tea last week so it must be just about time to post him another one.

The clock isn’t even on the right time, which is probably the worst part. Actually, no, the fact that Lily has started automatically adding an hour and six minutes on in her head is probably the worst part.

(She was at work last week when her co-worker Dorcas had asked the time and Lily had told her it was four fifty. Needless to say, their boss had not been pleased to discover Dorcas in the staff room packing up her things an hour before the end of her shift.)

Lily looks at the clock, and it reads two forty-five, which means that in nine minutes’ time, James will be seated in front of his laptop, ready to receive an incoming video call from her. She plugs her own computer into its charger, and waits for it to turn on (too slowly), and then she logs in to Skype.

“Heating’s broken,” she says, the second he picks up the call.

He grins back at her, pixelated and slow, and she tugs on the chain of her necklace. Anxiety tell. “Hello to you, too.”

“This is serious!”

“No,” he says, and he must push his laptop around, because she gets a sweeping look at most of his loft, “this is Sirius.” The man in question freezes with a cup of tea pressed to his lips, and flips her off.

(He might be flipping James off).

She says, “I’m hanging up,” and that’s that.

It takes him 4 minutes and thirty-three seconds to cave and call her back. “Heating still broken?” he asks.

“Yes. London is going to kill me.”

“London can try,” he laughs. “I’ll get someone to come round and have a look at it. Oi Siri,” he calls, looking over the top of the camera, “d’you think I can get your brother to go round ours for free?”

“No,” Sirius shouts back. “He’ll nick whatever booze is in the house.”

James rolls his eyes, and then he’s tapping away at his phone, and without looking up, “There’s a fur coat in the top of the guest bed cupboard, if you’re that cold.”

“I am,” she says, and goes and gets it.

“Regulus says fuck off, which I think means he’s coming over this evening,” he tells her when she plonks back into the desk chair. “I told him you’re going to freeze to death and he just sent back a knife emoji.”

“Aw,” she says, “he does care,” and they both laugh at that. “What have you been up to?”

“You know, this and that – being young and beautiful in a major world city. You know how it is.” He starts listing off on his fingers. “We finally went to that museum and took Gossip Girl pictures on Thursday, which Sirius pretends wasn’t his idea but definitely was. What else? He almost lost it in a Starbucks, again.”

“Still hasn’t found a good order, then?”

“I don’t get it! It’s not like we don’t have Starbucks at home!”

“What’s there to get? It’s an opportunity to be dramatic, Sirius is going to jump right on it.”

“It feels so nice to be known!” shouts Sirius, and Lily wishes desperately she was there with them right then.

“Shut up,” James sings. “Wait – fuck, oh my god, he’s just lit the sink on fire, I’ll call you back – Sirius!”

The screen goes black, and Lily taps her fingernails on the keyboard. He’s not going to call her back, they both know that. A millisecond, and the loneliness settles in.  

Regulus shows up at 11pm which shouldn’t surprise Lily from what she knows about him, but does anyway. He actually has like, a tool belt, slung low, low on his hips, and a leather jacket, just in case she couldn’t figure out he was related to Sirius by his face.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” she says, “Batman.”

“Ha.”

“Do you know where the heater is?”

“Yep.”

“Alright then.” She steps aside for him to enter, and goes back to the kitchen. “Do you want a tea?” she calls.

“Yep,” he says again, and she puts on the kettle. She pours the water, checks in on Regulus, and then she puts The King and I back on.

“Hey, so that’s totally fucked,” Regulus says, “and I have no idea how to fix it but I can probably get a guy in mayb— areyouwatchingTheKingandI?”

“Seems that way.”

Regulus vaults the couch to land beside her, and puts his feet up on the coffee table. “Love this film.”

It takes eleven minutes and forty-one seconds for realisation to hit her. She points at the screen. “Yul Brynner.” Points at him. “Reg-yul-us.” The screen. “Yul.” Him. “Yul.”

“Hmm,” he says.

When they swap phone numbers so he can consult her about a real handyman, she saves his contact info as Yul with a knife emoji, and he gives her what must just about count as a smile, for Regulus Black.

He says, “I’ll text you,” and, with half a bottle of tequila that Lily was unaware was even in the flat tucked under his arm, he leaves.

December

“Lil,” Dorcas says, poking her head out from the back room, “phone’s for you.” Lily hadn’t heard it ring, but she carefully folds the ribbon she’d been measuring, and puts it in her apron pocket.

She takes the phone, and she says, “U-huh?” as she puts the receiver up to her ear.

“Finally,” says Petunia, and it sets Lily on edge in less than a heartbeat. “Do you even have your phone on? I’ve been trying to reach you for twenty-five minutes.”

“I don’t know how to put this politely, Petunia, but obviously I’m at work.”

“I know, I had to get the number off Mum. This has been hugely inconvenient for me, you know.”

“What do you want?” Lily asks, trying to suppress her exasperation, and judging by what her sister says next, failing.

“Because you’re being so rude I’m not even going to try to break this gently: you can’t come home for Christmas.”

The world slants and the floor is slipping out from underneath Lily as she manages to say, “What?”

“I booked a table for six at the Pennyworth months ago, because Vernon’s sister was going to be abroad, but she’s not now, and it would be rude to tell her she can’t come after all. I phoned the Pennyworth to see if we could get an extra chair but the place is fully booked out for Christmas dinner and they can’t make any exceptions.”

Lily thinks, as she braces herself against the filing cabinet next to the door, that they probably could make an exception, and Petunia just doesn’t want her strange sister to ruin her perfect Christmas dinner with her future in-laws, but she doesn’t say it.

“And besides, we need your bed because Vernon’s parents are staying at our flat, and they’re very old-fashioned, you see, so we can’t let them know we’re sleeping in the same bed before we get married, so Vernon’s taking the sofa at the flat and I’ll be sleeping in my bed at home. Marjorie will have to sleep in your bed, because it’s the only one left. So there won’t be any room for you.”

Lily doesn’t say that she could sleep in their mother’s bed, doesn’t say that she doesn’t want to go to the Pennyworth anyway, doesn’t say that the Potters would most likely take her in for dinner even without James there, and that the food would be a thousand times better, the company a million times better. She says, “What does Mum think of that?” instead of, “What have you told Mum?” and Petunia pauses in her rambling.

“Of course, she thinks that this is all your idea. You’re so busy with work in London, and you know how important it is for us to welcome all of the Dursleys into the family.”

Lily doesn’t say that that’s complete bullshit, doesn’t say that if Petunia hadn’t been slowly poisoning their mother’s mind since Lily moved away, she’d never have believed it.

There seems to be a lot that Lily isn’t saying, and maybe Petunia senses this, because she says, “Don’t forget to phone in the morning, though,” before she hangs up.

Lily listens to the dial tone, an aural marker of time stretching out from this terrible moment, an anchor to keep her from floating away. She barely realises she’s crying until a sob manages to slip free, and then she’s on the floor with her knees pulled up to her chest and a pair of customers staring at her from the wrong side of the counter. Dorcas shuts the door to the back room, has to save face for the business.

It takes the better part of four minutes for Cas to prise the full story out of Lily, after she’s cleared the shop, and put on two teas. Lily’s still shaking, a little, when Cas starts rubbing her back, and she almost sloshes her tea everywhere. If Sirius were here, he might have offered her a cigarette. If Sirius were here, she might have accepted it.

“Your sister’s a right piece of work,” Cas grumbles.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Hey,” Dorcas says quietly, looking towards the sound of the bell over the door tinkling, “Take your break early, I’ll be okay alone here for a while.”

When she’s gone, and the door is shut behind her, Lily digs her mobile out of her bag. Her fingers move without needing to be told what to do, and James answers with a groggy, “Hello?”

“Oh my god,” she says. “Oh, no, I didn’t even think about the time difference, I didn’t even – oh, this is so silly. I’m sorry, this was dumb, go back to sleep, I’ll—”

“Evans,” he says, warm and firm. “Calm down, I’m not angry. I’ve been woken up at five in the morning before.” She hears a window open on the other end of the line, and the sound of trainers on metal, then he says, “What’s up?”

He says it so casually, like he wouldn’t mind if she was just calling to tell him she saw a cat he might have liked. Like he wouldn’t mind being woken up before the sun even if it wasn’t urgent. “Petunia just called,” she says quietly.

“Christ,” he says. “Are you alright?”

“I’m officially uninvited from Christmas.”

She can almost hear him grinding his teeth. “Right, I’m getting my laptop, and I’m going to book you flights out here to be with us—”

“No,” she says, though she doesn’t know where the firmness comes from. “No, I’m alright here.” She doesn’t have a passport. She doesn’t have the moral ability to take a handout like that. “I just…” needed to hear your voice. She doesn’t say that, and maybe she doesn’t need to. “What are you doing today?”

“Uhh,” he says. “Hmm, I don’t know. I think Siri’s got an interview for something, but I’ll probably just go in and have a four-hour bath to warm up.”

“Go in?” Lily asks. “James, you’re not outside?”

“Does the fire escape count as outside?”

“Isn’t it supposed to be snowing there?”

“It’s actually not that bad out. I think it’s going to rain, because rain is so weird here, like it gets warmer when it rains. So it’s…” He yawns. “I don’t know, I just know that the stairwell smells like vomit and it’s way too early for Siri to be woken up. Evans, it’s fine. I’d stand out in the Antarctic without a jumper if you needed me to.”

“Under what circumstances would I ever require that?” she asks.

“Oh,” he says breezily, “I wouldn’t know. I’d just be following orders.”

January

She breaches James’ en suite for the first time when she’s gone through all the towels in the linen closet, and the laundrette down the road is closed for repairs. She knows he’s got to have towels in there, and she knows he won’t mind, really, but it still feels like she’s finally taking it too far.

“This is so stupid,” she tells herself. “You sleep in his bed every other night.”

It still smells like him in here, the exact combination of his shampoo and the bar soap his mum’s always gotten from the Indian grocery store down the hill from his house. The rest of the flat has mostly lost that smell. She blinks back tears she knows she doesn’t really have any right to shed.

She takes a towel and presses her face into it, and then she does what any reasonable person would do – she gets distracted by what he has laid out on the counter. Most notably a framed professional portrait of their old head of form.

She gave up several months ago on not talking to herself in this flat, so she breathes, “Why do you have this in your bathroom?” She feels like she’s meant to pray to it, or something, which, well. She can think of worse idols to worship than Minerva McGonagall.

There’s also a family of those tiny ceramic cats that Lily is pretty sure are worth a lot of money, and a folded up serviette with COSTA RICA written in sharpie and underlined eight or nine times. And a tube of toothpaste, which seems normal except—

Its expiry date is like, a questionable amount of time past, so after she googles how long is toothpaste good for and finds out that three years is too long, actually, she has a really supremely stupid thought. That’s how she finds herself with her foot braced up against the shower wall, with funny-smelling white goo lathered on her leg and a Kinks song playing through the entertainment system. She knows it’s toothpaste in theory, but in practice her brain just can’t connect the dots.

She holds one of her shitty disposable razors that she’s definitely been using for longer than she should have, and she gives it a go.

As she holds toilet paper to the parts of her leg that are bleeding, she considers that perhaps this does not rate in her Top Ten Best Ideas Ever.

The weekend before Lily’s birthday sees an eclectic mix of people to the Camden flat – first Regulus, two hours early to help her take down the shitty Christmas decorations she still has up, then Dorcas and Benji, who are put to work on the currently-empty drinks table to make ‘KEEP OUT’ signs for the bedrooms. Well, Cas writes KEEP OUT and Benji draws stick figure bouncers with barrel bodies and bouncer-names like Hugh and Geoff and Mars.

At half past eight, they’re playing Cards Against Humanity when the door – the locked door – swings open. Lily’s heart leaps and she half rises from her spot on the couch, because could they be? But it’s Remus and Peter, carrying a slab each, and Frank Longbottom in front with a set of keys in his hand.

“Compliments of the landlord,” Remus tells her, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before struggling over to the kitchen to free his hands. Peter does the same, and Frank, hands-free already, picks her up and spins her round a couple times in greeting.

“I didn’t know you were coming!” she grins, as Remus and Peter re-join them.

“And miss your birthday?”

Peter scoffs. “Not on Prongs’ watch.”

“I hope you didn’t tell too many people they could stay over,” Remus says, “because I’ve had a standing dibs of Sirius’ bed since he passed out on mine in sixth form and I had to sleep on the floor of my own bedroom.”

“Which time?” Pete asks.

“Exactly.”

Lily laughs, of course of course, and it catches Dorcas’ attention, so she waves her over. “This is Remus, Peter, and Frank, who I went to school with. Lads, this is Dorcas, she’s an angel.”

Later, she overhears Peter telling Dorcas something stupid like, “…loves of each others’ lives but they won’t admit it”, but she’s intercepted from going to refute that claim by Frank with fucking jägerbombs even though he knows she and Sirius got blind on them at their Leavers afterparty and she can’t stand the smell now.

“Frank, darling,” she says, trying not to breathe in, “have you met Alice? She probably won’t throw up on you if you put that thing too close to her.” She grabs Alice’s shoulder and uses her like a human shield, burying her face into shoulder length blonde hair. “Alice, this is Frank. His favourite song is Come On Eileen.”

“Fuck off, Evans,” he says cheerfully, and Alice laughs.

“Give me another explanation for why you play it at every single event, then,” says Lily.

“Because it fucking bangs,” Frank says, handing the cup of Red Bull and the shot of Jäger to Alice. Lily uses the distraction as an opportunity to slip away, and she finds herself on the settee next to Mary, getting her head massaged.

“I have a question,” Mary hiccoughs. “Well, I have a few. First,” and she digs her fingers into Lily’s scalp a bit too hard, “why have I not heard a single song recorded anytime in the last fifty years?”

“I dunno how to change the music,” Lily shrugs.

“Second, how the fuck do you afford to live here alone?” She asks it a little louder than Lily might have liked, and she shrinks away from the fingers in her hair.

“Hmm. That.”

“She’s fucking the landlord!” Frank calls from across the room. Entirely too loud. Lily cringes away from the sudden shift in focus around the room.

“I’m gonna get a drink,” she says, and crosses to the kitchen to what is, statistically, a Kinks song. Remus is there, mixing Cherry Coke and vodka, even though she knows he likes neither. “Does James know other bands exist?” she asks, and he laughs, and it’s almost enough to distract from the music changing.

Her body reacts to it before her mind recognises it, and she makes eye contact with him as the blood drains from his face. “I’m sorry!” she shouts, as they make a sprint for the control panel. “I don’t know how to change the songs on this thing.”

He looks up, frustrated, but he says, “It’s not your fault, the thing broke after he put this on and they never figured out how to fix it.”

“But it works fine,” Lily says, peering at the little screen.

“What happened was James prioritised and uploaded all his awful 60s music, and then while he was choosing the other stuff he wanted on, Sirius snuck in and put on Gasolina and something went wrong and the file copied 27 times and now they can’t put anything new on or take anything off.”

“And here I thought Potter had just given up on modern music completely.”

“Oh,” says Remus, shutting the control flap, resigned, “I wouldn’t take that level of pretentiousness off the table.”

[01:21] lames otter to billy kevins: did u like the presents

billy kevins: i dont even drink somersbys

lames otter: I TOLD PETER NOT TO GET FUCKING SOMERSBYS

lames otter: wht abt the actual present

billy kevins: what actual present?

lames otter: i knew putting peter in charge was a bad idea

billy kevins: smh

Lily looks across the room to Peter, who’s just pulling out his phone and frowning at the screen. He looks up and searches for her, and gives her a sheepish smile. He holds up a finger like wait and goes into the kitchen, and she shares a look with Remus.

Peter emerges with a velvet box and Lily thinks for a hot minute that 1) James is proposing, 2) he’s proposing via Peter, 3) he’s proposing but then she realises that any jewellery might come in a velvet box.

billy kevins to lames otter: tell me you did not buy me jewellery

lames otter: open it u fool

She takes the box from Peter and opens it slowly, because this is sure to be something stupidly expensive, knowing James, but—

“Oh my god,” she laughs. It’s a plastic Spider-Man kids’ watch, like the one she and Tuney used to share back in primary school, before Tuney gave it to the boy she liked and he gave her a broken heart in return. She puts it on her wrist and thinks about how much she resents her sister, and about how that’s outweighing her James Potter resent for now.

billy kevins sent a photo to lames otter.

lames otter: :~)

lames otter: ok im going to dinner w siris art class friends

lames otter: speaking of, he says his gift shld b arriving in the post this week

lames otter: ok byeee call u wednesday xoxo

February

Never having to be the one who does the vacuuming, Lily discovers one afternoon when her white socks come away from the wooden floor covered in hair and dust, is a luxury of living at home. Oh my god, she thinks to herself, you’ve been here almost a year and you never thought to hoover.

So that’s what she does, after searching through every single cupboard in the flat. She finds this really ancient hoover that looks to be older than her—

(Why, she asks herself, indulging her petulance for just a moment, do these stupid boys have to do everything for the aesthetic? Why can’t they have clean, modern appliances that work?)

—and she sets to work.

Well, she blasts James’ awful 60s playlist and sets to work.

She tackles the guest bedroom carpet first, over the course of (shocker) a Kinks song and a half. A year, a year she’s lived in this flat and it’s still the guest bedroom, not her bedroom. Even James still calls it that, when she can get him on the phone, when he isn’t ducking her calls, when she isn’t ducking his.

(“Hey, quick question,” Sirius had said, last time he’d been in the room while James was on Skype with her, “why the fuck do the two of you still not know how to talk to each other?”

James had thrown a cushion at him, and accidentally pressed end call. She chooses to believe it was an accident.)

She does his room over a Beatles track that she doesn’t quite like, but which definitely reminds her of him. “Hey quick question,” she says, out loud to the empty room, “why the fuck am I so pathetic about James Potter?”

It’s because you don’t talk, the Sirius-tinged voice in her head snarks.

“That’s enough,” she tells him – not him.

She does a shit job of vacuuming his room out of spite.

Maybe it’s not just him in her head that’s riling her up. Maybe it’s him on the wall above the fridge, tick, tick, ticking. Maybe she leaves the hoover running even while she’s moving furniture to drown out that fucking clock. Maybe she climbs up onto the bench and tries to accidentally knock it down while reaching for the cobwebs on the ceiling.

“Hm,” she says to herself, from her new home on the floor with a sore tailbone and an even sorer wrist. She has to drag herself, one handed, to the table to retrieve her phone.

Regulus picks up on the eighth ring. Of the third call. “What?”

“I need you to take me to A&E.”

“What? Catch the tube. What did you do?”

“I fell off the bench and I think I broke my arm.”

“Evans. I don’t have a car.”

“So nick one,” she says. “Or were you making it up when you told me last month that you feel a spiritual connection with Baby from Baby Driver?”

“Fucking fine,” he says, except he hangs up halfway through so it’s more like fucking fi—.

“It’s not broken,” the nurse tells them, like six hours later.

(For all his complaining that she was being a real nuisance, Regulus had stuck around in the emergency room for an awfully long time.)

“Okay,” Lily says slowly. “Then why’s it hurt so much?”

Regulus stifles a snicker, but the nurse just gives her a look like grow up. “You’ve sprained it. We’ll get you fitted with a splint and you’ll be free to go home and rest.” She gives them another look, this time like don’t get up to anything too strenuous, which Regulus finds even funnier.

When he takes her home, she decides she can, in fact, keep living like this, and makes him put the hoover away.

“Don’t call me,” he says cheerfully on his way out, and then she’s alone.

She goes to bed, because what else is she going to do? She’s tired. She goes to James’ bed, and god, she misses him.

She stays in bed for a few days, except for when she makes herself toast and tea, and she calls in sick to work. She calls her mum, and then she calls Remus, because those seem like the two most sensible options. The most adult options, even though her mum’s still angry with her for not coming home for Christmas, even though Remus hasn’t texted her back in a week.

“James is going to want to know about this,” he tells her, then, “oh my god shut up, Pete, we’re not going to be late! I’m talking to Lily, can you be quiet?”

Muffled, she hears Peter say, “Tell her hello from me. Am I making this turn?”

“No, the next one.” He sighs. “Sending him a Snapchat doesn’t count as telling him, either. Call him. And you didn’t hear it from me, but Black’s just about reached the end of his tether with America and I’m sure a few well-timed words from you would hold quite a bit of sway.”

“You want me to convince them to come home? Hang on, wasn’t it Black’s idea to move there in the first place?”

“There’s rarely reason or rhyme involved when it comes to Sirius Black. Listen, we’ve just pulled up at this dinner, I’ve got to go. Love you, call James.”

Anxiety heaves in her stomach, and she’s tired again, bone-tired. A nap, two naps later, and then, well.

Call him.

Sun is streaming through the window next to him, and he’s wearing a t-shirt which is like, annoying, because she hasn’t seen the sun in five or six days, and the flat is still bitingly cold.

“Sirius is being annoying,” his voice announces, three seconds before his mouth does.

“Well, you know,” she says, “I can treat you better.”

“Don’t you fuckin—”

“Better than he can.”

“Oh my god, you’re such a fucking meme. I like you why, exactly?”

She grins. “How’s LA?”

He grins back. “All so crazy, everybody seems so famous.”

“Oh, and I’m the meme?”

His grin relaxes. “What’ve you gone and done to your arm?”

She goes bright red. “Hm.”

“Do I have to call Remus to find out? Or do I need to come back to make sure you don’t accidentally fall out a window? Do I need to make sure you, like, mind the gap?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Ask me properly?” He whispers it, and her thundering heart almost drowns it out.

Don’t be silly now, she tells herself. This could be worth the risk. “Come home,” she says, quietly. “Please, come home.”

He stares at her, just stares. Maybe the screen has frozen, and then he lets out a heavy sigh.

He opens his mouth, and the stream drops out.

[notasammich]

SPNHiatusCreations- Week 11- Emotions

Title: Curse of Feeling

Summary: Dean is cursed to feel his emotion very intensely. 

Pairings: Destiel if you squint

Sam takes as long as possible getting dinner. He walks the half mile to a local diner instead of driving. He lets little old ladies cut in front of him in the line for to-go orders. When the grandmotherly woman that Sam let go ahead of him in line orders the last piece of cherry pie and Sam learns that it will take 30 minutes for another pie to bake Sam insists on waiting waiting for cherry pie even though a delicious-smelling apple pie came out of the oven while Sam waited in line.

Sam tells himself that the exercise is good for him, that he’s just being nice to the elderly, and that he’s being a good brother by getting Dean’s favorite pie. In reality Sam just wants some time away from the bunker. Dean is driving him crazy. To be fair it’s not Dean’s fault. Well mostly not Dean’s fault.

Dean and Sam had been hanging out in a bar between hunts. Dean had been flirting with pretty, dark-haired young women but they’d been too far away for Sam to hear their conversation. It had seemed to be going well then, the woman had slapped Dean and stormed out. According to Dean, the anger had come out of nowhere. They’d just been making small talk when she’s yelled something about making Dean deal with his emotions.

They’d thought nothing more about it until the next morning.

Sam had come into the bunker’s kitchen to find Dean in a state of pure bliss from just the smell of his coffee. That hadn’t seemed out of the ordinary but then Dean took a sip and burned his tongue. That’s when Dean flew into an uncharacteristic fit of rage throwing the mug against the wall. Then when Dean realized what he’d done, how unusually he’d just reacted, and that starts a different freakout about what is wrong with him.

It hadn’t taken much for Sam to figure out what had happened to Dean. The woman Dean pissed off the night before was a witch. Dean must have inadvertently said something disparaging about women and emotion. She had cursed him to feel his emotions 10 times more than normal with no hope of controlling or suppressing them.

Sam was able to calm his brother down with some comedy movie on cable. Everything had been going fine, Dean has been laughing uproariously but then a dog had been killed in a rather crude scene and Dean had nearly cried himself sick. After that Sam is more careful. Sam creates a playlist of an hour of harmless kitten videos and sets it on repeat while he goes to get some dinner.

---.---

“Look Sam, Cas is here,” Dean says happily when Sam returns to the bunker. Dean’s arms are wrapped around Castiel’s upper torso just below the angel’s armpit. Although Dean had has to loosen the hug slightly to turn his head to talk to Sam he doesn't seem intent on completely letting go of Cas anytime soon. Castiel looks at Sam over Dean’s shoulder his face showing confusion and a little bit of embarrassment.

“Dean...um... will you please release me?” Cas asks unsure about the sudden change in his friend's personality.

“Why?” Dean asks. “Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?”

Sam sees another crying fit coming on and quickly intervenes.

“You have to let go because it’s time to eat. I brought you pie.”

Dean insists on sitting as close to Cas as possible without being in the angel’s lap. The smile on Dean’s face as he digs into his pie is such pure happiness, unlike anything that Sam had seen from Dean since Dean went to hell. Maybe this isn't the worst curse that the Winchester Brothers had been afflicted with. Sam that after lunch he will leave Dean with Cas while he nicely asks the witch to fix his brother.

[bookloversreviewer]

RELEASE BLITZ

Title: Can You Hear It

Series: Alpen Springs #1

Author: Casey Diam

Genre: Mature YA/New Adult Romance

Release Date: August 1, 2019

BLURB

Secrets.

Deceptions.

Tragedies.

Those were the root of all evil. One of those became the root of mine the day I lost the love of my life. My best friend. My lover.

Everyone disregarded it, saying, “Let’s face it, Averie, you have the rest of your life ahead of you.” They were wrong. James Lawrence was my ever after . . . until Ashton.

If only he didn’t come bearing his own brand of evil.

A secret.

The reason he wanted me to stay away.

I should have listened, and he should have tried harder, but both of us failed. And if we hadn’t, if he had told me when we first met, would it have altered the moment I realized that I was falling for him?

The slight variation in the air. The hitch in my breath. The lightness in my chest.

Impossible to know; I’d already fallen.

I was already ruined.

***A standalone sports romance that takes place in senior year high school. Due to explicit content, this book is suitable for 17+

GOODREADS LINK: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44096306-can-you-hear-it

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Only available at the following retailers for a limited time

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PLAYLIST

Embed Code:

<iframe src="https://open.spotify.com/embed/playlist/5Qef5GtQtJ9PRCEVQoDcaf?si=jihLLFcuThCwagvbQefH1w" width="300" height="380" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true" allow="encrypted-media"></iframe>

Direct Link:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Qef5GtQtJ9PRCEVQoDcaf?si=jihLLFcuThCwagvbQefH1w

EXCERPT

CHAPTER 1

I peered into his caramel-colored eyes, my hands running up his jaw. “You’re going to do great today.”

A chill breeze passed around James and me, and I shivered. He tugged me closer, a charming smile pulling at his lips.

He caught my long hair in his hands, carrying it over my shoulders to curtain my face as he leaned against his car. “I love you.”

“Lawrence!” someone called, and his gaze shifted to the sound while I kept my eyes on him. He looked uncertain, exhausted almost.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” He kissed my forehead.

“Lawrence, come on! We got a game to win, dude.” Ben winked at me from across the high school’s parking lot, a lopsided grin on his face and his duffel bag slung over one shoulder. “You can snuggle with your sweetie later. Hey, Averie.”

Smiling, I lifted a hand and waved before giving James Lawrence, my number nineteen, one last hug.

He squeezed me. “See you in a bit. You’ll be getting a winning kiss tonight. I can feel it.” He grinned, and I chewed on the smile that stretched across my lips as I watched him go before turning around.

My best friends, Nicky and Sydney, would be here soon, but as I scanned the nearby vehicles and the people walking through the gates to the football field, I realized that they were nowhere in sight. Instead of waiting, I headed to the gates and showed my student ID to the teacher responsible for the ticketing tonight.

A few people were already were scattered across the metal seats on the bleachers, most of them being parents. Once I got there, I climbed up to sit on the far-left side and pulled James’s hoodie over my head.

The crowd would multiply soon and everyone would be shoulder to shoulder. Because in Alpen Springs, Colorado, a small mountain city with a population of about sixteen thousand, this was one of the main sources of entertainment.

What felt like minutes later, James ran out onto the field. Moments later, I began to tense.

Our football team wasn’t the best, but we weren’t the worst either. And as time flew by, the former was clear, because now, at almost an hour into this game, things weren’t looking too good for us.

I shifted on the bench, my feet tapping restlessly as I waited with bated breath for the second half of the game to kick off.

James was so competitive and hated losing, so I really wanted our team to win tonight.

We were still down by fourteen points at the end of the third quarter when it became so noisy I could barely hear what Sydney was saying to me.

“I . . . didn’t think . . . catch up . . . win!”

The gist of it was clear enough—we had a chance. We’d caught up, and everyone on the bleachers was just as anxious as the players. Night had fallen upon us so fast that everything outside of the field was dark, non-existent. Kind of like everything was beyond the finite views that surrounded us due to the mountain peaks and hills in every direction.

I loved it here.

Alpen Springs was fresh air and freedom.

I inhaled and caught a whiff of marijuana.

Damn it.

Regretting the disturbance of said fresh air, I covered my nose with the sleeves of my hoodie. The no-smoking rule became muddied at night, because with a crowd like this, it would be impossible to find the culprit.

As everyone grew quiet, I glanced at the scoreboard.

With one minute and forty seconds remaining in the game, we were only down by one point.

Come on.

I bit my lip as the line of scrimmage formed at the thirty-five-yard line in the Hollis territory, Alpen Springs North on the offense.

Our quarterback got the ball and shuffled to the side before hurling the football to James. He caught it and took off running as a chant broke out behind me, around me. “Lawrence, Lawrence, Lawrence!”

My eyes followed James as he ran, did a three-sixty-degree turn, escaping two of the defenses from the other team who stumbled trying to tackle him. Then he was a lone figure running down the field and straight into the end zone for a sixty-five-yard touchdown.

Jumping out of my seat, I screamed, “Yes! Oh my God!” Barely able to hear myself as the crowd went wild.

That was exactly how long the excitement lasted, because in the next second . . . my life would change forever.

AUTHOR BIO

Some years ago, Casey rediscovered her passion for writing and hasn’t stopped writing since. She writes sexy, funny, sweet, and emotional stories that are a bit more in depth, but so much fun to read.

AUTHOR LINKS

Website: https://www.caseydiam.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/caseydiam

Newsletter: http://eepurl.com/dhH_cD

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/17979595.Casey_Diam