#the camera pans over and you just see fuckin George Washington shaking his head in disgust

[lost-wandering-historian]

You know, I can't help but think that's its technically not too late for me to fly to England and go to the coronation dressed like a Revolutionary War General.

[corycadaver]

THE FASTEST & FURIOUSEST MOVIE SCRIPT

I have never seen a Fast & Furious movie. I have seen trailers and commercials for them, and I know very little about them from other sources as well. I got into a discussion with a friend that I could whip out a script for the next installment in the franchise in no time. There some spelling error and typos but anyways here it is, I hope you enjoy!

The Fastest and Furiousest A script by Cory Jezierski

Opening Scene, our main characters Jason Statham and The Rock are in their underground auto mechanic lair. It’s like the Bat Cave, but full of hi tech wrenches and sockets and  bad ass cars and weapons and posters of naked ladies. No bats. Our heroes seem to be unwinding after whatever happened in the last movie (I didn’t see it. I didn’t see any of them)

The Rock is mixing Monster Energy Drink, Bud Light & Diesel Fuel together in a blender. Jason Statham is organizing his prized collection of car wrenches.

JASON: Hey, The Rock.... that last mission was sick bro! It really but our friendship to the test while helping us to grow as people. I think I might retire after that one. Maybe take my cut and buy some land in Hawaii and open a garage.. call it “Pineapple’s” or something really exotic like that....

The Rock looks at Jason intensely but with a charming grin and pushes start on the blender. It blends for two minutes while the cameras slowly pan around the Rocks muscles. Not in a gay way though. The blender stops. He takes takes a long sip directly from the blender. He dosent need a cup becuase he is the Rock. Some of the liquid dribbles down his chin and onto his shirt, but not in a way that could be considered gay at all. He doesnt care about the stains on his muscle shirt because he will probably be top nude for the rest of the movie anyways. But not in a gay way. He chuckles at Jason Statham’s suggestion of retirement.

THE ROCK: You say that after every mission bro. You know you can’t give up this life. The fast cars and the furious cars are what you live for bro!

JASON STATHAM: (chuckles) yeah you are right bro. But one of these days I will say it and I will mean it. But damn, the rock, you are right! I love the fast cars and the furious cars!

The phone rings. Not a cell phone, but a special red landline phone that is under a small plastic case. Jason Statham answers the phone.

JASON STATHAM: Sup bra? ....... Oh shit.... Yes.... We’ll be there. (He hangs up the phone and turns to the Rock) It’s the President.

The scene fades to black. You hear the sound of engines roaring and cars driving very fastly and very furiously. The next scene fades in to two cars driving down a highway. They are very fast and they are very furious. Oil and fire are coming out of all the cars holes, but in a bad ass way, like they are totally supposed to be doing that. The cars do not need to go into the shop for repairs.

Zoom in to the Rock in his car. “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by the Scorpions plays very loud, but you still hear engines roar. He opens a Bud Lite and slams it. He opens a Monster Energy Drink and slams that next. He opens a can of Diesel Fuel and slams that next. He opens a second Bud Lite and slams that next. He burps in a very macho way, then makes an action to indicate he pushed onto the gas pedal even harder, making his car faster and louder than it already was! Transition to the cars pulling up to the White House. They both skid onto the lawn, leave the cars there and run fastly and furiously into the White House. The groundskeeper shakes his head when he see’s all the damage the cars tires did to his grass. Transition scene to the Oval Office, where The President, played by Bruce Willis is standing with his back to the desk looking out the window, and the Rock and Jason Statham are seated waiting for him to speak.

PRESIDENT BRUCE WILLIS: There’s no easy way for me to say this so I will be direct. The Rock’s brother, the one who is half cyborg, the one who you just put in prison yesterday... he broke out of prison and he’s kidnapped my daughter. We also think he has plans to blow up the Super Bowl. You’re the only ones who can stop him. (He turns around from looking out the window) You know I hate you fuckers becuase you do things so goddamn fast, and so goddamn furious that it makes me furious! But America needs you boys.

You hear a can crack open. The Rock and Jason Statham are both slamming Bud Lites. They look super pumped for this mission. The Rock is now top nude.

THE ROCK: We would never dream of letting America down Sir JASON STATHAM: He’s correct, America is where we live and where our cars live and also we hate cyborgs and love freedom. THE ROCK: You have our word President Bruce Willis, nothing will happen to your sexy daughter or the American Super Bowl PRESIDENT BRUCE WILLIS: If you assholes fuck this one up I will shove a bald eagle so far up your ass you will be shitting freedom for a week, but from a jail cell! Now get the fuck outta my office! And don’t even think about fingerbanging my daughter!!!!!

Our heroes get up and scurry out the door

“Rock You Like a Hurricane” from the Scorpions plays as the scene fades back to the boys in their cars. They are driving down the highway again, but this time you can tell they are driving faster and furiouser than before. They are headed to the see a freind about getting some new Cyborg killing weapons.

The scene cuts to an old abandoned warehouse, where the Rock’s Cyborg brother, played by a CGI Macho Man Randy Savage but voiced by Hulk Hogan, and who goes by the name Macho-Borg, is holding up with his gang and President Bruce Willis’ sexy daughter, played by Megan Fox. The camera pans in from a top view showing Macho-Borg and his hoodlums standing around a table looking at a map of George Washington Stadium where the Super Bowl will be played in a few weeks.

MACHO-BORG: This plan is foolproof! There is no way I can fail! In just a few weeks I will have blown up the Super Bowl with plutonium, removed the President from office and taken over the country! No one, not even my regular human brother The Rock and his fast driving and furious driving pals can put a stop to this!

The hoodlums nod in agreement and everyone laughs in an evil manner. Macho-Borg laughs louder and more evil than his henchmen though. The camera then moves to show Megan Fox-Willis leaning against the wall in a white tank top and daisy dukes laughing along with Macho-Borg and his pals!! She has a soda cup with a straw in her hand.

MEGAN FOX-WILLIS: I’m so glad I broke you out of prison and let my dumb ass Dad think you kidnapped me so that we could take over the country together! Being the President’s daughter was so boring! (She accidentally spills the soda all over her white tank top. It’s Mr Pibb) Oops! now I’m all sticky! I better take a shower and wash my boobs!

Megan Fox-Willis walks away. The scene briefly cuts to a steamy shower where you can see her figure outlined in steam. After roughly 15 minutes of that the scene fades back to the Rock in his car. You hear loud car noises indicating he is driving very, very fast. His video phone rings. You can see on the screen that the caller ID says “Vin Diesel” The Rock casually reaches over and hits “Decline” on the call. He dials Jason Statham, who immediately answers and you see his face on the screen. He is slamming a Monster Energy Drink.

THE ROCK: Did Vin Diesel try to call you? JASON STATHAM: Yeah. (he chuckles) I declined the call. THE ROCK: Yeah, me too. (he chuckles and the Bud Lite dispensary built into his dash shoots out a cold can for The Rock to crack open and chug like a boss) JASON STATHAM: Are you sure our old friend who deals in illegal weapons is gonna want to see us? Didn’t one of us fingerbang his wife on accident? THE ROCK: Don’t worry about that, I brought a gift for him!

The scene cuts to the two very fast cars driving through a narrow hole in a mountain which ascends into a cavern. You can see that the road is coming to an end very soon but the cars are not slowing down! At the last second each car makes a huge jump into complete darkness. You hear loud thuds. What happened? The darkness lingers for suspensful purposes. All of a sudden the zooming noises of fast cars comes back! There is light again! The cars are back on another narrow road and after another minute they come skidding to a stop. They have arrived at the secret lair of their old friend the illegal weapons dealer played by Snoop Dogg. Our heroes find themselves in front of a large metal door with a security camera pointed right at them. They hear Snoop Dogg’s voice over an intercom

SNOOP DOGG: I thought I told you son’s a bitches never to come back to my illegal weapons lair! THE ROCK: You did, but this is important. The fate of the American Super Bowl is at stake. Plus I brought you this (He holds up a very large bag of marijuana) SNOOP DOGG: Is that... are you fuckin’ with me? It can’t be? THE ROCK: Ya bro, it’s Rarijuana, the rarest strain of marijuana in the whole world. The only kind you have never smoked before. This whole 50 pounds of it is yours but you gotta help us kill my cyborg brother and save the American Super Bowl.

The metal door opens. The scene cuts to Snoop Dogg rolling a joint. A Cypress Hill song plays in the background (doesn’t matter which one) He lights it up, takes a puff and exhales

SNOOP DOGG: So why you wanna kill your Cyborg brother? I thought you put his ass in prison? THE ROCK: He got out. Again. I finally realized it’s my duty to kill him. I’m ready to do it this time. I just need a Cyborg killing weapon and you are the only illegal weapons dealer in the world who knows how to make them. JASON STATHAM: Were also sorry we accidentally did finger stuff with your wife. We had a lot of Bud Lite and we didn’t know your marriage was so serious. SNOOP DOGG: Alright boys, I’m in. I’m still kind a mad about the finger stuff but if this is for the sake of America I have to do it. Plus this weed is fuckin dope son! I got just what you need to kill that Cyborg prick.

The scene fades back to our heroes driving their cars super fast down the highway. Probably just use the same footage from earlier to save money. A different song is playing. It’s some sort of Bon Jovi song remixed with rapping on it. No one is actually sure if they like it or not but it doesnt matter. The Rock’s video phone starts ringing again. The caller ID Says Vin Diesel. He casually hits the decline button. He’s still top nude.

The hereos cars are shown driving into a small suburban area. They are not going very fast. They come to a proper stop (no skidding) in front of a small home. The heroes exit their cars, Monster Energy Drink in hand, head to the porch and ring the doorbell. The Rock’s Mother, played by Tyra Banks answers the door.

THE ROCKS MOM: Oh my goodness! What a surprise! My baby boy and his fast driving friend Jason Statham! Please come on in, I was just baking cookies! Would you like some lemonade? JASON STATHAM: No thanks ma’am, we brought some Monster Energy Drinks and Bud Lite’s with us. We never go anywhere without them, and if we do they are available almost everywhere that energy drinks and beer are sold! THE ROCKS MOM: Oh you boys and your drinks! (she laughs at her joke) Now tell me baby what brought you here THE ROCK: Mom... I don’t know how to say this, but it’s about my brother the cyborg.... THE ROCKS MOM: Oh Macho-Borg! He’s in the kitchen right now helping me with the cookies! JASON STATHAM: Crikey! (chugs the rest of his Monster Energy Drink, Cracks a Bud Lite) THE ROCK: I better go say hello (He looks very concerned, he briskly and with concealed fury heads towards the kitchen) You two stay here.....

Scene cuts to the kitchen. Macho-Borg is wearing an apron and leaning on the counter with his arms folded. He has been waiting for The Rock. He has a menacing grin on his stupid cyborg face.

MACHO-BORG: How predictable brother! I knew you would come here to tell Mother that you finally have to kill me. That is why you came here isn’t it? (He takes a bite out of a cookie) THE ROCK: You sly son of a bitch! You know I can’t whoop your ass here at Mom’s house because I have strong family values that only get stronger with each adventure I have! Now you mark my words if you are trying to blow up the American Super Bowl, I will kill you! I will rip off your Cyborg dick and shove it so far up your mechanical asshole that you will be shitting nuts and bolts for a week! MACHO-BORG: HA! You just wait little brother, you have no idea what’s coming! THE ROCK: And where’s the Presidents sexy daughter? If you put a finger up her, I swear to God (Macho-Borg interrupts him) MACHO-BORG: Oh I put more than a finger in her! And I’m gonna put more than a finger in your precious President before I’m done.... (Mom walks in, the boys relax their posture and pretend they were getting along) THE ROCKS MOM: Now what’s all the racket in here? You boys better be getting along our no ones getting any cookies! MACHO-BORG: Everythings fine Mom, I was just telling The Rock the same story I told you about how I was legally let out of prison becuase I’m super innocent and never did any crimes. THE ROCKS MOM: Yes my baby, I’m sure your brother The Rock realizes now how innocent you were. Now let’s go to the living room and eat cookies and discuss our strong family values!

Everyone heads to the living room for cookies and Bud Lite. Macho-Borg excuses himself first, saying he has work to do so he has to leave. The Rock and Jason Statham excuse themselves for the same reason. It’s a bunch of bulls shit but it segues to a bad ass car chase. Soon we see Macho-Borg driving fastly down the highway followed closely by the Rock and Jason Statham in their cherry red hot rod super cars. You see the cars zoom and zip and zap all over the road, moving from left to right very fastly and very furiously. The engines are loud and the tires are loud and there is smoke and sparks all over. Overhead views of the cars are cut with split seconds of the drivers gripping their steering wheels very furiously. “Kickstart My Heart” from Motley Crue plays under the car noises. If your drunk uncle was still alive he would lose his shit over this scene. This bull shit goes on until the song ends then Macho-Borg shoots oil slicks out of the back of his car, giving him the edge over his persuers and ultimately gives them the slip.

The scene cuts to our heroes lair. The Rock and Jason Statham are pacing furiously around the room, throwing punches in the air and grunting.

THE ROCK: FUCK! We were so close! I can’t believe we fell for that oil slick bullshit! FUCK! (he throws both his fists into some drywall, when he pulls them out he has a Bud Lite in each fist!) JASON Statham: I feel like a fool too bro, but we need to start focusing on saving the American Football Super Bowl, we know that’s his next move. THE ROCK: (throws down the empy Bud Lites he just slammed like a boss) You’re right bro. Let’s do this! (He embraces Jason Statham and gives him a fast peck on the cheek)

The scene fades to only 1 car on the highway. The Rock and Jason Statham are sharing a car this time, as they are undercover. The video phone rings. Thinking it’s Vin Diesel, they both reach for the decline button. Then the realzie that it’s President Bruce Willis and draw their hands back. They mutter some cuss words then one of them presses the button to answer the call

PRESIDENT BRUCE WILLIS: Where the fuck is my daughter you goddamn third rate A-Team wanna be assholes? Looks like your out for a joyride while that animal Macho-Borg is probably 3 fingers deep in her B-Hole! Get your asses to the Superbowl and save America or so help me I will shove an American Flag so far up your ass it will come out your skull so the whole US Military can salute it! FUCK YOU! (He hangs up. Our heroes did not get a word in)THE ROCK: He sounds kinda mad. Our plan better work

The scene fades to the New England Patriots NFL practice. Head Coach Bill Bellicheck has all of his players huddled around waiting for him to instruct them on their next practice drills. All of a sudden The Rock emerges from behind him in full NFL Football gear. He wears the number 01 on his Jersery. He stands next to the Coach

COACH BILL: Listen up you fuckin’ football players, this is The Rock. He’s our new Quarterback for the Superbowl. That’s right, you heard me! Tom Brady your’e benched!

The football players all look shocked as fuck. Tom Brady on the bench? For this unkown player? For the Super Bowl? What could the explanation for this be?

THE ROCK: Now I know this shit seems crazy, but you just have to trust me as your new Quarterback for the NFL American Superbowl. I hope eventually you can accept me as family and we grow a strong bond together (He opens a Monster Energy Drink and takes a little tiny sip) COACH BILL: That’s right Maggots! The Rock is in charge of this team now! Drop and give me 500!

The camera pans to Jason Statham, who is looking for suspicious activity from the top of the bleachers with binoculars. At the opposite end of the field he sees some janitors and other workers moving trash cans and cleaning things up getting ready for the big game. He sees vendors stocking carts in the bleachers. He gets on his walkie talkie and let’s the Rock know he doesn’t see anything suspcious yet. The Rock talks back to him on his secret helmet communicator and let’s him know to keep his eyes open becuase the game begins in a few hours. The scene fades to the basement of the stadium where Macho-Borg and his goons are dressed up like stadium janitors and are loading the plutonium bomb into a hot dog cart. The camera pans to people lining up outside of the George Washington Stadium. Then it pans to a VIP booth where President Bruce Willis has already been escorted in before the crowd. He is surrounded by Men In Black. One of them is Tommy Lee Jones. You can tell shit is fastly getting serious and is no doubt about to get furious! Fade to the Patriots locker room. The Rock is giving a motivational speech to the team he just joined hours ago. He is only wearing a towel around his waste. The towel has a little red corvette embroidered on it.

THE ROCK: I know we only recently formed a strong bond during our brief practice on the field and somewhat longer time in the showers afterwards, but I already feel like we are becoming family, and we all know that’s what it takes to win a Superbowl, am I right team? (He cracks a Bud Lite) COACH BILL: OH HELL YEAH FOOTBALL PLAYERS!!!!! (He slaps the Rock on the ass) The football players all yell and scream in excitement and crack their own Bud Lites and slap eachother’s assess silly. Except for Tom Brady he is sitting on a bench on the other end of the locker room with his Supermodel wife counting huge stacks of money. They are both nude.

It’s gametime. The stadium is full of excited people. The teams take the field. The announcer tells the crowd that Tom Brady is not playing tonight. The crowd is pissed off beyond belief.  The Patriots get the ball first. First snap of the game The Rock throws the ball all the way down to the end zone and scores a touchdown. The crowd now loves him. The Patriots defense takes the field and the Rock gets on his secret helmet cam to Jason Stathom. Jason is wondering the basement of the stadium frantically searching for the bomb or Macho-Borg or one of his goons. Anything to help end this movie. He is now with Michelle Rodriguez and some pit bulls.

THE ROCK: Anything yet? We need to find that bomb! JASON: Not yet, but I’ve called in some back up. Our intel says Macho-Borg plans to blow things up during the halftime show THE ROCK: If he fucks up the DMX half time show I will kill him twice! JASON: I know you love DMX but focus on stalling the game! MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Yeah let your ego go and throw a few interceptions ya big lunk! THE ROCK: Michelle! What are you doing here? JASON: That’s the back up I told you about! THE ROCK: I’ll stall the game the best I can, you keep looking for by brother so I can kill him and save America! I gotta take the field, The Rock out.

Fade to an unknown part of the stadium. Macho-Borg, Megan Fox-Willis and some goons have DMX tied to a chair. Everyone has huge guns and cool ninja weapons and theres some pit bulls. They are watching the field from a monitor.

GOON#1: That new Quarterback the Patriots have is insane! Damn! (The goon falls to the ground with a smoking hole in his head. Macho-Borg towers over him with smoke coming from his machine gun) MACHO-BORG: Touchdown bitch. (he glances over all the other goons) Any other Patriots fans here? I didn’t think so. (Megan Fox-Willis is obviously turned on by this. I guess show her hard nips blasting out her white tank top or something. Macho-Borg grabs her waste and shoves his robot tongue down her throat for a minute) I can’t wait until half time (He begins evil laughter, everyone else follows) AMERICA WILL BE MINE!!!!! (more evil laughter)

Fade back to the field. There is only a minute left on the game clock. It’s almost half time. The Patriots are beating whatever team they are playing by a score of 28-0. You see the Rock on the sideline looking frantic, but battle ready. Pan to President Bruce Willis in his VIP box, his fists are wrapped tightly around crushed Bud Lite cans, he is angry as fuck. Pan to Jason and Michelle and her pit bulls still searching the stadium for Macho-Borg and the bomb. Pan to unsuspecting crowd members going crazy over the game. Pan to Tom Brady making love to his supermodel wife on a huge pile of 500 dollar bills in the locker room. Pan to DMX tied to a chair in a dim closet. Pan to the hot dog cart with the plutonium bomb inside it. Pan to Megan Fox-Willis buttcheeks in tight jeans with a small oil stain on them. Pan to a Monster Energy Drink ad on the jumbotron. Halftime is here. Shit is about to pop off son!!!!

The clock hits zero, the buzzer rings. The teams leave the field and in a few short minutes a large stage is erected on the field for DMX. All of America is watching at home on the television, they can’t wait to hear him perform a medley of songs that they kind of remember from 30 years ago. The beat drops as a man parachutes from a helicopter above with a microphone in his hand. but when the man lands it’s not DMX! It’s not even a man! It’s Macho-Borg! The crowd looks confused and upset. the beat stops with the sound of a screeching record. Goons with machine guns and ninja weapons and pit bulls fill the stage around him.

MACHO-BORG: Listen up America! I’ve planted a plutonium atomic bomb in this stadium and unless you give me 10 million dollars and let me be the President, then you will never find out how the American Superbowl ends! On top of the bomb I’ve planted, I’ve got The Presidents daughter and America’s Sweetheart DMX held hostage so don’t even think about fucking with me! If I see any sign of the Rock or anyone else trying to stop me I will blast plutonium up all your asses so hard there won’t be any more asses to blast! Speaking of the Rock send him up here, unarmed so I can execute his punk ass in front of the whole world!!!!

All of a sudden a cherry read super sports car blast through the tunnel where the players take the field from, it’s  going faster than any car in this movie has gone! It’s clearly the most furious car as well. The car hits a ramp that’s there for some reason and flies onto the stage, wiping out half the goons with guns (the dogs scurry away unharmed) and comes to a skidding halt half inch from Macho-Borg. The door opens up like the Delorean in back to the future, smoke poors out. It’s the Rock! He jumps out the car. He’s top nude.

THE ROCK: You wanted me, here I am, unarmed...except for these arms! (He flexes his muscles and tosses his arms up in cool fight poses) MACHO-BORG: You arrogant bastard! You think I won’t blow this place sky high with both of us here? You don’t have a choice! You need to bow down and kiss my Cyborg ass or America is done for! THE ROCK: You’re forgetting one thing Macho-Borg. I’ve formed strong bonds and grown closer to my friends over many adventures and we have heart, we are family! One time you were my brother, but now your just an evil cyborg, and evil cyborgs can’t win! MACHO-BORG: ENOUGH!!!!! This ends now!!!! THE ROCK: You’re right.....

The camera pans up to the sky. Optimus Prime is floating down, he gently scoops up the hot dog cart with the bomb in it and jets back up to the sky, throwing it into the sun. You see it explode.

MACHO-BORG: NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! (He’s on his hands and knees now, he knows he has been defeated. But probably not without a sweet car chase)

Jason Stathom and Michelle Rodriguez have now made it to the stage. DMX and an ton of pit bulls are with them. They have sweet machine guns and Monste Energy Drinks.

JASON: What just happened? THE ROCK: That’s my son Optimus Prime. You’re not the only one who called in for back up! MICHELLE: Your son?!?!?! THE ROCK: I don’t have time to explain right now, we need to get this creep to a private area so I can execute him. (The turn back to Macho-Borg but he is gone!) JASON: Shit.... (He points to the VIP box above) Where’s President Bruce Willis? DMX: You guys go, I got things under control here! (He pics up the microphone and makes dog noises and the music comes back on)

The crowd goes fucking nuts, this was the best half time show they ever saw. The Rock, Jason and Michelle jump into the car on stage and fastly drive away. Pan to DMX rocking the stage with whatever song is cheapest to license. Pan to Tom Brady in the locker room suiting up with a smirk on his face. Pan to Optimus Prime flying further into space back to Endor. Pan to Macho-Borg and Megan Fox-Willis in a fast driving sports car with President Bruce Willis tied up and passed out in the back seat.

MEGAN FOX-WILLIS: Damn the Rock and his sexy abs and huge muscles and smooth balls! Now what are we going to do? The plutonium bomb is gone, DMX is back on stage, the Superbowl is safe! We still have my Dad the President, but how are we going to make this work? We need to take over America or I’m not letting you do sex to me anymore with your weird robot dink! MACHO-BORG: We go back to our lair and figure this out. We still have the President, we can still take America! Settle down! MEGAN F-W: But what about the Rock and his fast driving and furious driving friends that he has formed family like bonds with? Why didn’t you blast him with your machine gun on the stage? You just had run your mouth when you should have been shooting! Maybe I should have let you rot in prison! You can’t get this job done you wack ass cyborg fuck! Second rate Terminator! I should dump you at the scrap yard! MACHO-BORG: You dumb... SHIT! we’ve got company (Three super fast sports cars can be seen in his rearview mirror)

Here is the big ass car chase that everyone is waiting for.  The cars go fast all over various roads and in tunnels and over bridges and valleys and deserts and whatever the fuck else. Just lots of the same shit you have seen earlier in this film and in the other films. Finally, Macho-Borg pushes a button in his car and it starts to transform into a Cyborg car. It looks like a normal car to begin with, then it gets taller, wider, metallic armor starts to cover it, the wheels get bigger. It basically looks like some crazy sci-fi monster truck with weapons. It has a huge Monster Energy drink logo on the hood. You see the 3 drivers of the other car (The Rock, Jason Stathom and Michelle Rodriguez) get surprised looks on their faces, they know they are in for the biggest battle yet. The heroes communicate on their radios

JASON: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! MICHELLE: You must be seeing what I’m seeing! THE ROCK: Alright team, it’s time to kick ass and form a deeper family bond while we do it! I’m gonna kill the shit out of my cyborg brother once and for all! (He cracks a Bud Lite as expected) JASON: Were with you bro! Let’s do this for America!

You hear engines roaring and tires skidding and all that car shit. Macho-Borgs sci-fi monster truck has stopped and is turned to face our heroes, waiting for them to catch up, taunting them by shooting flames out of some huge ass guns on the hood. All 3 of the heroes cars get about a quarter mile away from the Cybrog truck and skid to a stop. They talk to each other on their radios again

JASON: I’m definitely retiring after this shit. How do we do this The Rock? MICHELLE: Yeah what is the plan here? THE ROCK: You two stay put, I got this.

The Rock gets out of his car and starts walking towards the sci-fi monster truck. He leaps in the air with all the fury and fastness he can, he punches the truck square in the grill and the whole truck falls apart into rubble and nuts and bolts. You can see Macho-Borg, President Bruce Willis and Megan Fox-Willis lying on the ground in the rubble, spread out from each other. Macho-Borg is the only one who gets up. He stumbles over to The Rock. He is in bad shape.

MACHO-BORG: You were right brother, I was a piece of shit. THE ROCK: I’m always right.

The Rock puts his fist through his brothers chest and pulls out a half human - half cyborg heart. It’s dripping with both oil and blood. He eats it. Macho-Borg falls dead to the ground. The Rock pulls out his boner and takes a piss on his brothers corpse. Jason and Michelle look on from the distance, they are both super impressed with their friend. They feel like they have formed a closer family bond with him. The President and his daughter have got up now too. Everyone is huddled around each other now enjoying the victory. They don’t realize that Megan Fox-Willis was the once responsible for breaking Macho-Borg out of prison and aiding him in his evil plans.

PRESIDENT BRUCE WILLIS: You fast and furious fucks nearly killed me and killed America, but you pulled it off. I still hate you but I give credit where it is due. The Rock, if you want to bang my daughter that is fine now, just get me back to the White House I have important President shit to do. THE ROCK: On behalf of all of us, you are welcome. I might bang your daughter later, thanks. Michelle will take you back to the White House. You know how to reach us sir. God bless the USA

The scene fades back to the heroes lair, the same setting as the beginning of the movie. They are realxing after the mission, pondering their futures.

JASON: Well The Rock, I’m definitely retiring. I’m booking a flight to Hawaii tonight. I just want to thank you for all the adventures and brotherly love. THE ROCK: You know brother, I believe you this time. I love you, but not in a gay way. (They hug and kiss on the lips) JASON: What are you gonna do? THE ROCK: I’m going to space to see my son, Optimus Prime, we have some business to take care of and to tell you the truth, I haven’t been a very good father.... JASON: You know, you are gonn have to explain that one to me sometime

The conversation is interrupted by a video phone ringing. It’s Vin Diesel. Jason reaches over and accepts the call

JASON: Vin, what’s up? VIN DIESEL: I’ve been trying to reach you guys all week! I heard that Macho-Borg broke out of prison! I smell an adventure cooking!

The Rock and Jason Statham laugh and hit the button to hang up. The credits roll as you hear the sound of a Bud Lite cracking open, then you hear some car noises then some butt rock song remixed with DMX rapping over it plays. The audience goes home to clean the poop and jizz out of their pants.