#the brothel scene was something the fuck else for 17 year old me

[fabiosofabz]

Pour one out for the people who are about to fall victim to the recent marketing of Wicked the Novel with the Movie poster and go into Gregory McQuire's writing with no prep, no lube, just all the way in. A lot of people are either going to be very disturbed or awaken something entirely new.

[veinereastath]

Random vent time, since I have nothing to do today; and writing about things that are bothering is known to be helpful :”)  A bit of rant about the Witcher (Aen Elle, guess what), feel free to scroll past it if it’s not your cup of tea. It may n0t even make sense or be productive, I felt just the need to to it, and tumblr is already a burning trashcan (that I still love somehow), I’m just adding some oil to it. Some spoilers ahead, from TW3 and Lady of The Lake.

1: Wild Hunt (I speak as per The Red Riders, not about the game title) in general was really poorly done (plot-wise), but at least CD Projekt Red admitted it was their fault and because of lack of time and resources. It happens, it’s fine, we still have books (... well, one [last one] book and about 30 pages in it, but damn, these are good pages). It’s been 5 years, it’s okay, we accepted it, many discussions were held on this account.

2: Wild Hunt may be done poorly, but Eredin himself got absolutely and devastatingly flattened to a pancake, while in the book he’s a juicy donut. No, right now I’m not talking look-wise (which isn’t that important anyways, I presume), but motivations and personality wise. That hurts more. Way more. Also, why make him kill Auberon on purpose? In the books it was accidental, and he himself was briefly shocked, but had to immediately return to his cold facade because capturing that goddamn escaping Ciri was the most important thing at the moment. Making him just a typical usurper was another reason to not see him as a good villain. The plot of TW3 could still be glorious if they actually stick to the “Auberon death was an accident, aphrodisiac + fisstech don’t work well together, it’s a fact” and Eredin became King as a natural way of things. Books never specified if he was actually the second in line for the throne, neither they say who actually became the King after Muircetach died, but it seems quite likely that it would be Glas. The whole idea of trying to open Ard Gaeth / beat the White Frost / invade the Witcher world would still make sense. And would be, of course, more interesting if CDPR would add those quests they had to scrap off for reasons I mentioned above [1]. For those not aware - there was one involving Geralt going undercover, trying to learn more about Caranthir and Hunt’s plans and it was supposed to be massive, but... <sad violin>  Also, the “Eredin killed Auberon on purpose” could make sense if it was somewhere stated that it was Avallac’h’s manipulation, but then Corine’s vision doesn’t make sense. Remember that Auberon died with Ciri at this side, with her holding his hand [book-wise]. She’s nowhere to be seen in this vision, and if I remember correctly the oneiromancer’s visions could not be fabricated. Sad violin intensifies.

3: Well, I’m a trash so of course I have to mention this somehow. Witcher 3 really went too much into “[Eredin’s] face resembled a bird of prey” line from Lady of the Lake but quite forgot that he was still an elf. And, surprised pikachu, Ciri immediately upon meeting him got interested in him, which he was aware of. Despite the fact that he was insulting her constantly, she wanted something from him <wink wink, remember the scene in the alcove in Tir na Lia?> This should be a sign that he must’ve looked both dangerous and attractive at the same time. Attractive to the point where his insults were not able to totally douse her fascination.  Eredin in Witcher 3 is perfect if you want to be terrified on spot. Though maybe they did it on purpose because they wanted to make a strong point that he’s the villain of the game, I don’t know. Also, making attractive elves is something they know how to do - Iorveth was pretty neat, the face features of elves in W3 are also really good (also god bless some normal sized elven ears, I can’t look at those big and long they have in Dragon Age for example). Avallac’h wasn’t portrayed exactly like he should (aquamarine eyes where? blonde hair where?) but he looked good, let’s admit it. Imlerith was quite-quite (though why THE FUCK is the poor guy bald, jeezus citrus). Okay, Ge’els is the symbol of Aen Elle glory and you can’t change my mind - they managed to create fantastic clothing, give him good, defined features, somehow predatory look (Eredin is crying in the corner) and quite a mature skin complexion with few blemishes here and there. And it was good, because it made him look natural, like he could genuinely exist, he wasn’t extraordinary perfect. I wanted to touch and feel his face so bad. Just oh god, the goth queen makeup, why? All Aen Elle are suffering from this condition. Well, male ones. The Aen Elle female in Crevan’s laboratory looks quite decent. Or they just didn’t want to change her model, since it is the same the Aen Seidhe female have in brothels, for example. 4: Ciri trusting Avallac’h and mentioning this trust at every occassion is... god, just no. I will try to describe her situation in Tir na Lia [from the book] in my own words: 1. Imagine that you’re running away from a man that was your captor [Bonhart] and used to torture you for weeks/months. During this escape you accidentaly find yourself in a foreign country, full of foreign people with their own language. They look different, they act different, they have different morals, everything, you name it. 2. One of those people [Avallac’h] is saying it’s a destiny that brought you here, and you have to pay the debt to all his people because your great grandfather from six [6] generations ago banged a girl they were literally creating for centuries. It’s your fault, pay for it, Ciri. 3. The man says that in order to pay that debt and be able to return to your country, you have to sleep with his boss and at the same time your great-great absolutely great grandfather from 7 generations ago [Auberon], because the mix of your genes and his genes will allow to extract some kind of gene that will make humanity immune to, I don’t know, Covid 19 for example. It’s the key to saving people, you have to do it. 4. Later you hear from this great-7 generation-grandfather that either you agree to this, or you will go into laboratory and they will forcefully take out your placenta (presumably).  5. Just to make you feel better, everyone in this foreign country is hostile towards you (passive-agressive is a better term, alright), so everyday you see this disgust on their faces. Not to mention that while Avallac’h is trying to play nice, Auberon didn’t manage to do it for long, while Eredin is straight forwardly describing you as a worthless being. <3

And she’s trusting him so much after that? Really? Now, I get that if you’re running away from mortal danger you will probably try to get every help you can, so I can somehow accept that she accepted Avallac’h’s protector role, but I don’t accept that she’s trusting him to such an extent. Why? Because trying to put a woman (or a man) in someone else’s bed fits the defitinion of rape perfectly. I find it hard to accept that she would be all “I trust him” after that. Not to mention that she was, I think, 16-17 years old at that time? I need to check this later... Okay, I’m done, sorry~ The only wish I have is that Netflix series will stay the hell out of any Aen Elle or Tir na Lia plotline. Please. I beg you. Don’t touch it. Don’t look at it. Leave it be, leave it to this one book, to this 30 pages, I absolutely beg you.  I sense Witcher Netflix rant coming from me soon, woohooho~

Forever salty, forever sad

[calleo-bricriu]

Don’t ask why I keep subjecting myself to this, because I don’t have a good answer.

More of this awful book.

Skimmed the rest of chapter 13. Nothing terribly interesting, Mizpra being all excited for her mother possibly having a stroke when the train's altitude changes, talk about how weak and pitiful Burke is (and, for some reason, to keep him from "catching cold" she makes him strip and wrap up in two wool blankets which seems like it'd be incredibly itchy), Mizpra tries to hasten the whole "give mom a stroke" thing by getting her mother day drunk.

A lot of references to alcohol being a stimulant again which, no.

Burke shows a little concern for Mizpra keeping her mother drunk and outside on an observation platform all damn day, so she tells him to go back inside and stop bothering them.

Wasn't at all concerned that her mother's face was turning blue because that's a normal thing I guess, shakes her mother awake, and of course her mother has the sroke and now she's just, "Oh shi--wait a minute, I didn't consider what might happen if the stroke kills her!" Not the best planning, Mizpra.

So she starts drinking and talking at her possibly dying mother about how she's going to ruin Obera's life.

And, like every poorly written villain in fiction, she says something ridiculous to herself: "Hell hath no horror; Heaven hath no hope."

At this point, I'd agree with her, only just in regards to this book.

Chapter 14 and we're back to Leigh.

Rev. Bald, we find out, knows a lot about alcohol and doesn't like his collar or waistcoat.

Finds out in a letter from Mizpra that he'll get paid once she's got proof of her brother's life being in shambles again.

For the time, five thousand per year as long as Leigh is in prison isn't all that bad; he really needs to step his game up because so far all he's done is invite the guy to hang out once, got shut down by Obera, and left.

"[...] literally poured the liquor down his throat," yeah, that's how drinking works.

He goes off for a good eight or so pages about how it's no crime to be poor out of absolutely nowhere. I mean, he's not wrong but why is he talking about it to the walls of his library?

Oh look, Leigh came to visit under false pretenses and seems to suspect that's the case but decided not to worry his on vacation wife and did exactly what he told her he wouldn't: Hang out with Rev. Bald.

Because he's a genius, he suspects Rev. Bald is being paid off by Mizpra to fuck up their lives and also thinks he'd sell her out if he was ever discovered. At this point you know damn well Leigh is basically the author because there's no reason at all Leigh would even HAVE that suspicion unless he'd been reading along with the rest of us.

Anyway, he got lured out there under the pretense of seeing or looking at some case of a morphine addict who isn't actually there.

So, because Leigh is a genius and understands everything, including more than most of those who study theology, Rev Bald pretty much plays right into that and says vague, sort of wrong-ish things just so Leigh the Genius will be compelled to correct him at length to, you know, remind everyone that he's a genius and better that everyone at everything.

Because he's a genius and you're not.

And Leigh sits there picking apart religion which might have been interesting if he weren't just sort of repeating himself with more and more pretentious wording.

"Do you know of any religion that has really made man better?" is a perfectly reasonable rhetorical question, at least.

Ah, and Leigh is into Darwin.

But, hey, Rev. Bald tricked Leigh into going out with him. I mean, Leigh would probably just say he's playing along but, you know...

They end up going to a dodgy district where everyone still somehow remembers Leigh from his drinking days. Probably should have picked a different neighborhood, Rev. Bald. It's like you didn't even research your mark.

We find out Leigh doesn't want to go to the first bar because he legit spent an entire week there without bathing or eating or sleeping just drinking and, I have to be honest, if I'd done something like that and was sure the people there would remember me, I probably wouldn't want to go back there either.

They end up in a bar and Leigh is, so far, being good and not drinking and has decided that Rev. Bald was going to be HIS victim--not sure what kind of victim, probably just to out him as working for Mizpra.

Oh hey, it's not just a bar, it's a brothel! Or, as Leigh's narrative describes it, a "dark, opprobrious den of crime and shame." Turns out he doesn't like makeup either, especially red lipstick because, as we all know, only whores wear that.

And now he's remembering some murder scene in the same place because not only is he a doctor, author, scholar, philosopher, and Merlin knows what else, he's ALSO a detective I guess!

I have to admit the memory of one of the workers at the place punching an actual, been there long enough to be bloated corpse because when you do that it makes apparently amusing sounds for the crowd of other people there who also found this amusing was, in and of itself, so absurd it made me laugh.

I'm sure it was meant to be horrifying but you can't read something like, "Over the prostrate victim bent the diseased-eaten harridan. She was amusing her companions by punching the inflated tissues, laughing and shrieking at the crackling, whistling effect it produced, while the dank denizens of the place gave vent to their pleasure by libidinous expressions and Paphian oaths," and NOT laugh.

Also the author is trying to tell us that, when he went to pull the punchy prostitute away from the corpse, her wig came off and her brain was straight up exposed through her "rotting skull".

For a fucking doctor you'd think he'd know that there is no actual way she'd be alive so unless he hallucinated this zombie prostitute...

So he thinks he's being taken to see the morphine addict and, of course, it's just a prostitute. She might also be a morphine addict but not the one Rev. Bald was describing as near death.

"Various odors in the room seemed to run in strata, as each step brought visitors to a different zone of pungent, offensive odors."

What are they?

Cigarettes, beer, lobster somehow, butter, cheap perfume.

I've been in worse rooms.

So she apparently IS the morphine addict he was talking about earlier, not like Leigh believes it, and Rev. Bald is going to just go ahead and leave the good doctor alone with her.

Leigh's first, uh, method of examination is to lift her arm, stroke her armpit, then drop her and move closer to the light to...look at his fingers. What the hell?

She was cool with it the first time but when he did it again she kind of freaked out which is perfectly understandable.

So there was a guy hiding in the curtains that was meant to jump Leigh but, Leigh being Leigh and good at everything, noticed him first and gave him a one punch knock out because Leigh is just that awesome.

And somehow Leigh, Rev. Bald, the woman, and the unconscious man are all locked in this nasty little room, the woman is going to apparently beat the hell out of Bald and broke a bottle over his head then, satisfied with that, shouts over to Leigh to continue beating the hell out of Rev. Bald because he'd set up the other guy to jump him.

Probably not a good idea to take Leigh to a brothel where everyone knew him.

She keeps smacking Bald in the head with a glass bottle and finally Leigh stops her before, y'know, she kills him. His reasoning for that was that killing him would be inconvenient for everyone which is fair enough.

Short conversation of, "Well if either one of them is dead we're both screwed, let's clean up the blood and I'll go get a police officer or whatever."

He comes back and--she's tried to redo her makeup to get back to work but there's this line about her hiding her powder puff: "[...] which she quickly hid in the bosom of her waist"--I don't think I want to know where she put that powder puff but I really hope she washes it before using it on her face again.

The lady then starts lecturing the mostly not conscious guy on the floor of her room about how it's his fault she's a prostitute somehow; based on how she's talking about money, sounds like she's one of his girls.

And that's it for chapter 15.

Chapter 16 is some flashback from the brothel woman about how she met Leigh; of course, since he's a genius doctor he offered, for free, to give her "deformed and useless" child whatever operation it is he needed. It's never specified, just that the kid is "deformed".

Also a lot of references to "dirty Poles" because it's gross to have to listen to Polish in an emergency room I guess.

Anyway, he's like The Saint Doctor who gives free medical care to everyone because he's a genius (of course) and none of the other doctors understand him. Also, he was just paying for everyone's medical care out of pocket because at some point, through one of the time skips, he went from jobless drunk to highly esteemed and rich author, lecturer, doctor, and scholar.

Getting really tired of Leigh.

She gets jolted out of her daydream when the train stops.She asks the "kindly old Irishman" who was cleaning up the station if she could hang out, he figures she's sober, so he says she can and she goes back to daydreaming about Leigh.

Whatever was wrong with her "deformed" kid was fixed and he's apparently recovered and Leigh arranged for the kid to be basically put in a foster home at some farm because that was apparently legal at one point, to just--give other peoples kids to someone else with no oversight.

Her name is May, we find out two chapters fucking late.

And she was somehow the thing that got him to clean his act up because that's how addiction works.

Now she's not daydreaming anymore because the train is about to arrive.

Chapter 17 is more of the same of these two catching up and talking about Rev. Bald being kind of a dick.

Also, who talks like this? "In his presence the finer feelings of her sex were aroused, her self-respect was active; and he knew it."

REALLY tired of Leigh now.

Basically, between really awkward sort of flirting we find out what anyone reading figured out several chapters ago: Mizpra is a terrible planner when it comes to remotely murdering people and Rev. Bald is proof of that because he basically fucked it up the first night.

And now he's going to go introduce his prostitute friend to Mops.

I feel like that's something he should have discussed with Obera first?

Ah yes, back to "masculine voiced women" who are, of course, matrons at some kind of--I don't even know what at this point, and I don't really care but of course, the women the author wants to have us view as bad are always mascluline in some way and are occasionally also fat and clumsy.

Like he's got any room to talk. I've seen photographs.

Oh of course, a religious boarding house for children of prostitutes where the manly, fat, clumsy women routinely berate the children.

In fairness, places like that did exist until fairly recently so I'm okay with the author kind of dragging them.

Ah, yes, Obera, gone from child-like and saucy to, "[...] radiantly beautiful, and in that full activity of healthy womanhood, which only true love and motherhood can develop."

Anyway, she starts begging Leigh to just straight up murder Mizpra, has a crying fit, then falls asleep and he starts waxing poetic about how her tiny little woman brain can't fully understand the situation.

Of course, Obera doesn't want the prostitute to see Mops because she's a "horrid, bad woman".

And that's it for chapter 17.

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: The Assassin’s Blade, Ch 5-6

*long, deep sigh*

Dinner with Sam was silent, and Rolfe appeared at eight to bring them both to the holding facility. Sam didn’t even ask where they were going. He just played along, as if he’d known the whole time.

I say, that’s my smart assassin boy! He never lets the enemy know they have the upper hand, I fucking love Sammy. Can this book be about him please?

Rolfe takes them to a warehouse full of slaves and Celery splooges over how bad she feels for them. Footage not found, bitch!

Aside from some occasional muffled weeping, the slaves were silent. Some of their eyes widened at the sight of her. She’d forgotten how she must appear—faceless, cloak waving behind her, striding past them like Death itself. Some of the slaves even sketched invisible marks in the air, warding off whatever evil they thought she was.

This might be cool if Celery was actually like, a bad ass assassin who deserves to be feared? I’m a thin ass weakling whose never been in a fight in her entire life and I could beat Celery with one fist tied behind my back.

Celaena’s heart pounded faster. Even after all these years, people still defied Adarlan’s conquest. But what right did Adarlan—or Rolfe, or anyone—have to treat them like this?

Funny how Celery acknowledges this but is completely fine with them being slaves for Rolfe........funny....

The men standing around the Eyllwe prisoner parted as Rolfe approached, bowing their heads. She recognized two of the men from dinner the previous night: the short, bald Captain Fairview and the one-eyed, hulking Captain Blackgold.

They sound way cooler than Celery. Can she drop dead and the book be about Sammy going on pirate adventures on the seas with these guys?

“I’d send him to the market in Bellhaven. Lots of rich men there needing strong hands to do their building. Or women needing strong hands for something else entirely.” [Captain Fairview] winked in Celaena’s direction.

Aaaand SJM ruined it. Great. Can I get one male character besides Sammy who thinks about something other than sex for five seconds? Pretty please?

They ask questions about the slaves and it’s just. Making me cringe so I’ll skip the details. The subject of brothels comes up and Sammy gets upset so Celery info dumps his backstory onto us.

His mother, sold at eight to a brothel, had spent her too-short twenty-eight years clawing her way up from an orphan to one of the most successful courtesans in Rifthold. She’d had Sam only six years before she’d died murdered by a jealous client. And though she’d amassed some money, it hadn’t been enough to liberate her from her brothel—or to provide for Sam. But she’d been a favorite of Arobynn’s, and when he’d learned that she wanted Sam to be trained by him, he’d taken the boy in.

Love this trend of YA mothers dying for their family to angst over. Fuck it, Sammy’s mother deserves better. She can join Darrow, Gav, Sammy, and Manon in a better series where she knits sweaters for all of them and her pet dogs. She deserves it.

Celery is like “death is better than slavery” which, okay I understand what she’s trying to say, but then she goes off about it like is she planning to kill these slave to free them?? This writing is off the wall tbh. Anyways she leaves after that and Sammy follows.

“Celaena, wait!” Sam called, panting as he walked after her.

Why is he panting if he’s just walking? He’s not even walking fast, he’s just out of breath keeping a moderate pace. Gg on the writing there, SJM.

So Celery walks down into the water and takes off her mask and cloak for some reason?

Bath-warm waves flooded past her, and she kicked up a spray of water as she kept walking. Before she could get deeper than her calves, Sam grabbed her arm. “What are you doing?” he demanded. She yanked on her arm, but he held firm.

So Sam is literally like “Uhhh it’s like super late, what are you doing?” and she starts to fucking wrestle him?? They’re wrestling in the water??? But why???

“I’m not going to let go until you promise to stop attacking me,” Sam said. His face was inches away, and she felt the breath of every one of his words on her mouth. She took an uneven breath, then another. She had no reason to attack Sam. Not when he’d kept her from gutting that pirate in the warehouse. Not when he’d gotten so riled about the slave children. Her legs trembled with pain.

Seriously what the fuck!!! Celery decides to pick a fight for him for literally no reason, then she splooges about how handsome he is, then she’s like “yeah we have no reason to fight” like what was the point of all this!!! Was this book not edited???

“I might do something as foolish as freeing the slaves,” she said. Sam went so still that he might have been turned into stone. “I knew you were thinking up something—but freeing them …”

So this was just so Sammy could find out her plans? But why?? Why don’t your characters function like regular human beings, SJM?

If I was writing this scene, I’d have Celery stomp off and Sam follow her, asking what’s wrong, and Celery knows Sammy is a good person so she tells him about her plans to free the slaves. There, cut out so much pointless bullshit.

“I have to try,” she said. “Why?” Sam stepped close enough that she needed to tilt her head back to see his face. “We’re assassins. We kill people. We destroy lives every day.”

In theory he’s not wrong, but assassin usually stick to killing corrupt political figures and dangerous people. Slavery is just stripping people of their rights and freedoms and enslaving them. Man, this book is really making me explain why slavery is wrong, isn’t it?

“We kill corrupt officials and adulterous spouses; we make it quick and clean. These are entire families being ripped apart. Every one of these people used to be somebody.”

See, even Celery understands this! Idk what SJM was smoking when she came up with this plot, but she gotta stop.

Anyways, Sammy is obviously not on board for this slavery thing and agrees to help out, only he doesn’t splooge about how that makes him a ~white savior~ or whatever so I’m actually rooting for him.

He groaned. “You already have a plan?” She grinned, then told him everything. When she finished, he only scratched his head. “Well,” he admitted, sitting on the sand, “I suppose that’d work. We’d have to time it right, but …”

Love how we don’t get to hear the plan so SJM can pull whatever she wants out of her ass and chalk it up to “Oh Celery told Sammy off screen so it was all planned lol”

Sammy implies Arobynn has more motives for sending them here than just getting him some slaves and Celery doesn’t believe him and I don’t care. Next chapter!

After yet another miserably hot and sleepless night, Celaena spent the following day with Sam, walking through the streets of Skull’s Bay.

Damn, I was lowkey hoping for a Sammy POV. I’‘d much rather be in his head than Celery’s.

From flirting with the harlots along the main street, Sam learned that every once in a while, Rolfe covered the tab for all the pirates in his service, and the revelry lasted for days.

Not for a lack of trying Sammy, but... what does this have to do with the slavery trade?

Oh, immediately after SJM is like “Lol the harlots have him some other pointers too hee hee” Great. Fuckin’ great. Never mind that he’s what, 17, and we don’t know how old those women are?

Rolfe ran a hand through his dark hair. “Don’t you two ever stop questioning? There’s no way of predicting how many slaves you’ll lose. Just keep them watered and fed.”

Rolfe is tired of this shit like me. Same hat, Rolfe, same hat.

They go to the group of slaves that’s for Arobynn and Celery asks if any of the slaves speak the Common tongue. Only one dude can.

What’s your name?” Celaena asked the slave. “Dia.” His long, frail fingers trembled slightly. “You’re fluent?” He nodded.

This guy is old and can’t be used for porn, so he’ll probably die for Celery’s angst. Ungh. Don’t know what would be worse, this or having a young hot slave speak Common so there can be a love triangle between him, Celery, and Sammy.

The scene ends and the next one starts up. If this had been written in current day, SJM would’ve added a chapter cliffhanger here.

Hours later, no one noticed—or if they did, they certainly didn’t care—when two cloaked figures slipped into two rowboats and headed toward the slave ships hovering several hundred yards offshore.

UHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M GONNA SAY THE FORMER BECAUSE????? Who wouldn’t think two cloaked people heading for the ship with slaves on it was suspicious??? Do all the pirates have mashed potatoes for brains????

It hadn’t taken long for word to get out that Arobynn Hamel’s assassins had opened a celebratory tab at the tavern, and even as they had strode to the docks, pirates were already streaming the other way toward the inn.

Even so, they still have guards on watch?? Rofle specifically said this earlier??? This fuckin’ book.

Celery and Sam make it to the ships and give each other a signal, ending the chapter. I’m ready for this snoozefeast to be over.

[makerkenzie]

No, Virginia, Jaime is Not a Proud Anti-Hero

Today I'm going to talk about this somehow widespread idea of Jaime having kept quiet about the wildfire plot supposedly for "pride" or "spite," like he's committed a grave moral offense by not divulging the existence of the wildfire caches or, for short, I'll call it the "Jaime Likes Being Called Kingslayer Theory." Here is a list of reasons why this theory of Jaime's motivations is FLAMING HOT GARBAGE.

1. Removing the wildfire caches would have been a logistical nightmare. The city would have been put in much more danger by trying to dispose of the caches than by leaving them alone. If the existence of the wildfire had been made public knowledge without first ensuring it was safely destroyed, it would have caused a mass panic.

2. Even if 17-year-old Jaime wasn't aware of (and thus not motivated by) the logistical difficulties, why should he have assumed the wildfire caches wouldn't have been just as devastating a tool of mass destruction in someone else's hands?

2a. First, this boy was Tywin Lannister's son. As in, the guy who drowned Castamere and slaughtered the Tarbecks. That was Jaime's primary role model of a powerful man.

2b. And then he spent two years dealing with King Aerys II, who enjoyed setting people on fire and actually planned to blow up the city.

2c. It stands to reason, Jaime's default expectation was that the wildfire caches would be used for blowing shit up and killing lots of people. Would the new King Robert have decided to blow up Dragonstone and get rid of Queen Rhaella and Prince Viserys? Why should Jaime have assumed he wouldn't?

2d. Therefore, the pool of people he could have reasonably told about the wildfire caches was very, very small.

3. To assume Jaime would have salvaged his reputation by telling someone about the Wildfire Plot presupposes that someone would have believed him.

3a. Even if he'd persuaded someone to come with him and see some of the wildfire stored beneath the city, all that would have proved is that the wildfire was there. They still might not have believed Jaime's account of the king planning to blow up the city.

3b. Which means the consequences of his hypothetical disclosure would be:

3b1. King Robert gets his hands on tons of explosives and does something awful, as Jaime has learned powerful men are likely to do.

3b2. The realm still thinks Jaime killed the king for the most venal reasons and is an untrustworthy piece of shit.

3b3. And on top of that, he's seen as having puked up this self-serving malarkey about having to save the city, rather than just admit he killed the king because his daddy asked him to.

4. Jaime has told someone about the Wildfire Plot, and he didn't have to. He volunteered the story to Brienne.

4a. Why does no one ever ask why Brienne hasn't shared the Wildfire Plot with anyone else? Why does no one ever characterize her as putting King's Landing in danger of nuclear holocaust by keeping Jaime's story to herself?

4b. If Brienne has good reasons for not blabbing about King Aerys having planned to blow up the city, it stands to reason Jaime has equally good reasons for not telling anyone except her.

4c. The better question is why Jaime told Brienne, after he spent 17 years telling no one else. And that brings us to...

5. Both Ned Stark and Stannis Baratheon were advising the new King Robert to send Jaime to join the Night's Watch as punishment for committing regicide. In that environment, Jaime had a good incentive to want King Robert to know his side of the story. That he did not tell the king suggests he had much better reasons for keeping quiet than "pride" or "spite."

6. The question of why Jaime didn't tell anyone about the wildfire has already been posed on-page, and we have already seen Jaime's response to that question. "Do you think the noble Lord of Winterfell wanted to hear my feeble explanations? Such an honorable man. He had only to look at me to judge me guilty."

6a. We could spill metric tons of ink speculating on why Jaime is so focused on Ned in particular, but we do have this much: he imagines his story would have come across as "feeble explanations" if he'd tried to tell Ned what happened.

6b. Ergo: 17-year-old Jaime would have liked to tell someone, like Ned Stark, about the Wildfire Plot, but he was already being treated like a filthy fucking liar based on his having killed the king.

7. Rather than asking "Why didn't Jaime tell anyone?" (as if Brienne doesn't exist), we could instead ask: "Why didn't any of these powerful men ever try asking Jaime why he did what he did?" Barristan Selmy, as the new Lord Commander, could have asked his youngest Sworn Brother why he'd wiped his golden ass with his oaths, and he did not. King Robert could have asked; he didn't. Jon Arryn could have asked, and I think Jaime would have actually told him, but the new Hand of the King did not have that meeting with the boy he'd convinced the king to pardon. Stannis Baratheon could have asked, and I don't think Jaime would have told Stannis, but the interaction might have shown Jaime there were some trustworthy people who would give him a chance.

7a. All of those men knew Jaime was the last Kingsguard knight left at the Red Keep with Aerys at the end of the rebellion.

7a1. Why the fuck did none of them ever consider Jaime could be the most generous, primary source for Aerys's last acts? Surely they could have gotten something for the history books by asking for his side of the story?

7a2. If the answer is "they assumed he'd lie his golden ass off," then why the fuck do we need any further explanation for why Jaime never went out of his way to volunteer the information?

8. "He didn't tell anyone because he had every reason to think no one would believe him" is a perfectly sufficient answer to the question of why he didn't tell anyone, given his sudden faint-in-the-tub display of emotion in sharing his story with Brienne.

9. I have seen plenty of commentators simply presuppose that Jaime's keeping quiet about the Wildfire Plot was an act of perverse narcissism, but so far I haven't seen anyone present an actual argument for why "he chose to keep quiet because he likes being despised for his finest act" is a better explanation than "because he had every reason to think no one would believe him."

9a. To go from Jaime's railing against Ned Stark's self-righteous ghost, to insisting he's just the kind of asshole who likes to let everyone think the worst of him, is a substantial claim which requires substantial evidence. I haven’t seen anyone attempt to offer any evidence to that effect, probably because it doesn’t exist. 

10. At the time of becoming the Kingslayer, Jaime was a 17-year-old boy who’d spent the past two years combining the roles of bodyguard and hostage to a king whose preferred hobbies included setting people on fire and abusing his sister/wife. The guy who seldom flung children from towers to improve their health did not yet exist. (Another note: there may be a very few characters in ASOIAF who can travel through time. Jaime is not one of them.) Jaime’s attitude as a sister-fucking, child-tossing 33-year-old does not explain his decisions as a traumatized, isolated, vilified teenager. The fact that he was traumatized, isolated and being treated like a filthy fucking liar for saving the city, at such a tender age, is more than sufficient to explain why he didn't share his story at that time. 

10a. If you read the Bathtime at Harrenhal scene and what you got out of it was, “Oh, now I get it! Jaime let everyone treat him like a shithead because he’s just that type of asshole!” Then you’re missing out on a lot of Jaime’s arc.

10b. There is literally no stage of Jaime’s arc, including backstory, in which his behavior supports the theory that he willfully kept the wildfire a secret because he loves to play the cynical anti-hero. Jaime has never enjoyed being called Kingslayer.

11. Jaime is absolutely right to say he is despised for his finest act. At the time of his act of regicide, there was no other reason for people to dislike or mistrust him. He’d fucked his sister at least once by that point, but that wasn’t public knowledge. The line of succession was not front-loaded with three blond children named Baratheon. No Stark child had been tossed out of a window. He had not served in his father’s invasion of the Riverlands. Tyrion had not been told his first marriage was a sham. Jory and Wyl had not been killed in the street behind a brothel. All of those things happened well after Jaime was established in his reputation as a filthy oathbreaker. There was no reason why Jaime, fresh off killing the king, would need to lie to himself about why everyone hated him. 

12. If it is so very difficult to imagine that a grown man doing shitty things was once a good kid who got screwed up and screwed over by people who should have known better, maybe ASOIAF is not the series you should be reading.