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wishingfornever · 6 years ago

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10/16/17 – No Contact: The Third Wall

This new chapter is twice the length of the old chapter. It’s not even finished. I need to add a beginning to it as well as an end. The end will be easy, I’ll just use the original chapter for that. The beginning… Well, a lot has to happen.

I think I said I hated writing for Atlas but at the same time I love it. My problem is that he’s Scottish and is subject to a lot of slang. It’s not as good as it sounds, trust me. I had Eleanor read through a lot of what I wrote to confirm how Scottish it sounds. It sounded fine by her words. This chapter is… incredibly action pact. The battle just unfolded that way. A lot happened. I’m glad I didn’t have to read the previous chapter to see what happened. This way is far better.

One problem is that now I keep trying to hit tab with these entries. Every paragraph gets hit with a tab. It’s not that great. I’ll get over it. But I got SO much done and I need to get SO much done tomorrow. I’m starting to yawn now. So, I guess I’m running out of second wind. It’s almost 1 in the morning.

I slept better than usual. Of course, it’s currently 6:44. Best case scenario, I slept 6 hours. I could live off this, but more than likely I’ll be taking a nap when I get home. It’s so dark.

When I get back, I’ll definitely take a shower. Get ready for the day and walk over soon. I can’t remember my dream but I think it involved Swedes. So, the chapter weighed heavily on me last night. :3

I’m back. Adela is exhausting because she’s stressing out. Then she was projecting her stress onto me. She had to meet with a coworker earlier than usual today and I guess she doesn’t do mornings well, surprisingly. I know I wouldn’t.

I’m totally fine, mind you. I don’t need more sleep, though I might take a nap for later. More than likely, though, I’ll end up going to bed early today. Finally, I fixed my sleeping schedule the night I have to actually need it. ;)

I’ll leave at about 10. Adela wants me to do something around the house. Just gotta spray the base with an anti-insect blocker or whatever. After that, I’ll start getting ready and will try to head out at 10. I’ll try to leave EXACTLY at 10 so I know for sure what time I’d have to leave in order to get there. Or at least the estimated time. As you can imagine, walking doesn’t get caught up in traffic so even though I have two lights to walk through, it shouldn’t slow me down significantly. I probably won’t rush, either. Just a cool, calm walk. And if I leave at about 10, it should be after the morning rush. Of course, I haven’t considered Houston being the 4th largest city. Considering the brand, it should be pretty busy at all times. I’d be surprised if it weren’t.

My funds are getting pretty low. Well… not low. Like, I pay 65 a week for food basically. 260 a month at that rate. So, to survive a year I need 3120 at least for food. I could survive on less, I’m sure, but this is how much my current calorie intake is. Of course, my cousin will charge me more at the end of the month. That’s how it works. ;)

Working at Texan minimum wage at full time, I’ll make 290 a week. For a month, that’d be 1160. After a full year, that’d be 13,920. Of course, that’s all BEFORE taxes and assuming I’m constantly getting hours and don’t get overtime (which I’ll never get, because low-paying jobs are asses when it comes to overtime). At this rate… I could maybe afford a legitimate editor. Of course, some editors would charge about $4,000 to edit a book of my size (about the size of the first Harry Potter, a bit bigger).

However, there might be a cheaper editor who offers critique as well. Of course, I SHOULD finish a second book at least before I publish the first. So, I might not contact her unless I truly need it. Then again, I’m pretty reckless. We’ll see, of course as my book has a lot of problems. I’m going to use your notes as a jumping point. If I do get this editor, I should make sure it’s my near final draft. Because when I get it back, I’ll have to read through it. It’s imperative that any edits I make after she’s finished are correct and fit the rest. I won’t get a second chance at that point.

Should be fine though. My biggest problem is I switch from past to future, I guess.

Oof. Monkey Rag came on. A lot of things remind me of you here. That song reminds me of you, too. My one problem with that song is halfway through, the lyrics end. Ah, well. I shouldn’t be getting moppy right now. I have a lot to do today and not as much time to do it.

Anyways… when I get back, I want to rant about All Lives Matter on Facebook. Most people who claim All Lives Matter tend to be pro-police. That’s fine, mind you. To each their own. However, the ALM thing began as anti-cop. Weird, I know, but it’ll make sense in that post. It’s currently 9. I’ll get started on my chores.

Later.

Current time 10...06. I missed my mark, but that’s okay. I’ll use a stopwatch on my phone. Not a problem. I’ll have to charge it some, so I’ll leave at 10:30. So long as I’m there by noon, I should be fine because people tend to get off then for lunch. Starbucks doesn’t strike me as a great place for a meal, but people still need coffee.

Ugh… Tried another banana. This one smelled weird. Threw THAT away. Really, HEB? Really? I learned spots on a banana doesn’t mean the inside is bad but THESE MUTHAFUCKAS managed to screw that up. They turn brown from the inside out. Really? I found one that was acceptable, cut out the brown, and ate it. Ah, well. At least I smell nice.

My hair needs to dry. And, to keep the curls from curling, I need to comb it as it dries. Or brush. I have a brush upstairs and a comb on me. Humidity leads to chaos. I’m sure you’re aware of this as your hair is curlier than mine.

Btw, the NationStates thing. I basically set vacation mode on and turned it off at 12. Meaning I get my issues at 12 and 6 on the hour everyday. No longer do I have to check to see where the time is to do my issues. I can just be aware now. I wish there were an option to set it to that time automatically, but whatever. I did it without automatic aid.

Speaking of aid, I did put gel in my hair. Not sure if it’s helping. I hope it is. Judging from my reflection, it seems like it… give it time, though.

Anyways, I checked the nation count in our region. Yeah, ours. I know you left it but it’s still ours. Deal with it.

Not the point.

The point is, I’m the most pacifist nation in the region. My motto is Spanish for “They won’t pass because fuck them; they’re assholes” and my military is second largest in the region (behind a relatively inactive nation who never speaks or interacts with anyone because I’m fairly sure the guy who runs it has MULTIPLE nations).

Oof. It’s 10:20. I have ten minutes. I’m starting to get hit by exhaustion. I could totally nap right now. It’d probably do me some good.

Just did the math for taxes. Seems it wouldn’t matter too much. I’d lose like 2k in taxes but there is this thing called Tax Returns which are great. You’ll never see a poor man charged for tax evasion.

Alright, time to go. Currently have a 30% charge. Should be fine. Later.

Back. Took a little under 15 minutes. I ordered an iced tea (green). It wasn’t that bad. I was so parched. Should have hydrated first. The woman who served me was an older gal but she seemed nice. No supervisors were there, unfortunately. And everyone there was a woman.

I don’t think I’ll get the job.

That’s fine. I’ll wait until Friday and start going out again. This time, I’ll do it by the books and apply all over at once. In the mean time, I’ll post that post.

Hrm… my NationStates issue is off by 40 seconds. Still, that’s really good all things considered. Within a minute of noon, I’ll have an issue. So, it’s still at noon. :D

Current time is 6:15. We just walked Max. Adela is depressed. She says it’s because of what happened with Max at the groomer. I suspect there is more to it than that.

Let me fill you in. Max got so anxious and was so stressed, he wouldn’t let the groomers finished. Max’s body is shaved. His ears are shaved. His head? The back of his head? Every part of his head except his ears and front of his neck? Unshaven. He looks… ridiculous.

That said, I was certain Adela’s work was getting to her but looking into further proved fruitless. I’ll be doing the dishes tonight. A never ending story… for dishes. Whatever. Adela asked me to do them and to be fair, we only have so many pans for eggs. Guess what I’ve been eating a lot of.

Speaking of which, I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Not sure if I’ll write more on the chapter. I’ll just take it easy tonight. Tomorrow, I have some things to do. I’ll be sure to finish my chapter, though.

Right now, I’m listening to this dude who supposedly destroyed Eminem. That title was brought about by Republicans, so of course they’d say he was destroyed by this guy. The page is on Facebook, called “The Red Elephants.” Bullshit name, whatever. Their twitter handle is ��TheRealRedElephants.” They sell a shirt for $26 that says, “Fuck Antifa” with brass knuckles on it. They wouldn’t happen to have a shirt that says, “Fuck Nazis” would they?

Of course not. They say both sides are to blame yet only attack one side.

I commented on that shirt saying, “Golly gosh, that sure is cool! You guys going to release a shirt that says, ‘Fuck Nazis’ on it? :D” This is a loaded question. I’m not sure if I discussed what a loaded question is to you while I was teaching you about politics.

A loaded question is a question where every answer is bad. They get asked A LOT to make someone look bad. An example of a loaded question is “Have you stopped beating your wife?” If you say no because you don’t beat your wife, that’s bad because it implies you still beat your wife. If you say yes because sarcasm even, that means you beat your wife and they will quote you and not even suggest you were using a sarcastic tone. If you say, “I’ve never beat my wife” then they’ll brand you as a liar because you had to defend yourself from that bullshit.

My question is loaded because it relies heavily on the context. If they tell me, “No” then they’ll imply that conservatives are Nazis. If they say “Yes” then I’ll ask why it wasn’t released with the shirt in the first place and turn it into a cluster fuck.

Not that it’ll matter, mind you. They’ll probably just panic-ban me. Where they panic and then ban me. In case you didn’t know.

Reminds me of that one Christian Warrior page who banned me because I said Aztecs were cool and they are. They banned me and said I’m dumb and my parents are probably dumb. Probably. I took a screen shot. Like, really… why do they get offended so easily? I wasn’t even TRYING to offend them.

Oh, mind you. They were talking about how Columbus Day was getting replaced by indigenous people’s day and how we’d start sacrificing people to the sun. I pointed out how there were no Aztecs in the United States. That’s probably the real reason why because I followed that up with Aztecs are cool.

Some people are rude. I tried calling them out but my friends who actually liked the page didn’t tag them for me. Scoundrels!

Daniel and I are chatting. Told him about Starbucks. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if you tried getting with him for a night or something. Honestly, I wouldn’t care. Not that I’d give Daniel permission to sleep with my girlfriend but you’re not my girlfriend and he didn’t try to end my relationship. Nor did he start spreading rumors and started telling people falsehoods and flat out lying.

If we don’t get together but you and Daniel have a thing going, good for you guys. He has a great work ethic and a sensitive heart. Of course, his relationship with Canelo is conflicted… obviously… but I think it’s because of his time with juvy. Not sure how to spell the slang.

Anyways, the Red Elephants are really into conspiracy theories. Like… really. Misleading, misinformation, partial truths. Yeah, these guys are totally pushing an agenda. Typical propaganda. I know because I used to write that shit. Of course, I was generally more honest. I tend to focus on building up the people before letting loose political theories. Turns out, people like to be flattered before they rise up.

Look at Obama. “Yes we can!” Because you’re a part of something and YOU can do it! You can do it with us! We can do ANYTHING!!!

Mind you, I’m not fond of Obama or Trump. In a two party system, you’ll find that it’s great for staying unbiased. Someone says, “If Obama did this, you’d support it!” you’d say, “No, I wouldn’t.” It deflates their argument real quick and helps for keeping the debate rational or for skipping straight to ad hominem. One problem, however, is that the people you sling mud with tend to switch sides every 4 or 8 years.

I used to shit on Obama with Conservatives. For different reasons, of course. I didn’t like how he liked to drone strike children and they didn’t like that he was black and on the other team. Now I shit on Trump with Liberals. For different reasons, of course.

I’m reminded that I might be posting this on Tumblr. One of my least favorite things about Tumblr are the people who claim to be Communist without really knowing what it entails. Like, to them? Marxism is a trend. Kind of disappointing. I’m sure if this ever goes on Tumblr (which might happen considering it’d be what I’d do in the event of you telling me no) people would just consistently shit on my for everything. -,-

Ah, well. I’ll try to get that thought out of my mind. Brb, food

Had a salad. Was far better than the one from yesterday. Used honey mustard and avocado. Nothing else. Super simple. The salad itself was quite simple too. For some reason, it was fresher than the one from yesterday. I wonder if they have dates on them.

To be fair, salads can be kind of fattening due to all the added bullshit. I don’t think yesterdays was fattening. Maybe a little because of the cottage cheese. Can’t imagine that’d be healthy. But, of course, it was a shitty salad. You’d think they’d make a salad out of something that isn’t lettuce. It’d be healthier. And lettuce just… is boring.

I miss you. I’m missing you. I regret what happened between us. I wish we could just… talk. Not about us, just talk. I want to hear your opinion, even if I don’t care for the subject. You don’t know how this situation has made me feel. I guess I don’t know how it’s made you feel, either.

Anyways, since I went vegetarian I noticed my poop has been super green. It’s a good thing. :D

Yeah, I know. I can’t get too serious. Except I was sort of serious. With both. My poop has been super green. But still, I’m missing you right now. I don’t know why. Just… with Adela and Max, I feel like you could really help out and they’d appreciate it. I know Max would. He loved you.

I feel… terrible. I can’t help but think of you. Something is going on. I feel like I’m reliving our entire relationship in a single second every second. A lot on my mind.

Oh… would you look at that? They added two stages to the five stages of grief. Placing a lot of faith in older psychological models tends to lead to failure. These stages often have their own twists and biases, leading to heavy criticism and debate. Maybe… all this. All I’ve done was just bargaining. Assuming the model is true. I’m not sure I’ve accepted everything, but I’ve felt the depression. I tried moving on. Perhaps the journal isn’t helping. Perhaps I can’t move on while I’m still writing in this dumb little word document.

It’s helped me though. It gives me a chance to talk about how I feel, though I think I’ve just been using it for food updates lately. I can work on expressing my own feelings. So what if I haven’t accepted the end? It’s wrong of me to try to force emotions. I’m not going to fake how I feel just to satisfy you or anyone else. Especially not myself.

I love you, Esther. I really do. I sincerely doubt we’ll ever get back together, but I hope we do.

That said… I intend to delete the letter I wrote you. That was early on. Before I even began this journal. That contract? Delete that two. Why bother with it? You’re not coming back and that sucks. Right now, it’s just a waste of memory. And if you DO come back? Well, I wouldn’t agree to it.

The thing is, I’ve learned to respect myself a bit more. I’m not going to give you everything just because you say, “I want it” if it’ll hurt our relationship. So, if we got back together? The contract would favor me more. You said it yourself. The contract I wrote was hard on me.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll break up with me again when you discover the contract is no longer valid and you won’t get half the things I would have agreed to. You had your chance to exploit me but you didn’t. If you manage to overcome your distaste for me and we begin to talk more and somehow decide to give it a second chance but you ask for the contact I’d written a month or two ago and hear no, maybe you’ll be fine with it. Maybe you’ll be willing to give it a chance despite no guarantees.

Ugh… if this is on Tumblr, I’ll have to explain the contract. Gross. If I don’t, people will think we had a financial agreement or something. I’d rather not right now. If this is on Tumblr and someone who isn’t Esther is reading this, then know that the contract wasn’t good or bad. It was fun and more an educational tool to get Esther to read the fine print and notice specific wording and shady legal practices. The contract I wrote was something that’d ensure the integrity of our relationship in the event that we got back together. It was mostly to show I had yielded and I’d do anything to get her back, regardless of my personal feelings.

I disregarded myself. It was easy to. Easier then, at least. Now? I may be moody now, but I feel more confident (on average, at least). I’ll overcome this feeling and get back on my feet.

One of Esther’s problems was that I was always on my computer. Admittedly, it wasn’t only when I was miserable. I was on it a lot and I neglected her. That’s one of the things I regret, not only because Dennis filled her head with the idea that I HATED her as well as himself and Daniel but because it was wrong of me to do. Shitty move on my part.

I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I should have been. Esther deserves the world. She’s such a sweet, caring soul. But now… I know better.

I wanted to prove to her when she moved out that I would change. I uninstalled ALL my games. All of them except for Town of Salem. It was more symbolic than anything else. I offered to destroy my computer later on if that’d make her happy but that just annoyed her. At that point, I was very low. Not as confident.

Now, I wouldn’t make that offer. If I ever write a book, then I’ll need the computer for writing. I could potentially make money off through this old laptop. However, I’d uninstall ALL my games again. It really doesn’t matter to me. They’re material goods and bring me only amusement but not happiness. With the exception of rewriting the naval battle in my book, I haven’t played very many games as of late anyways. I guess since I stopped talking to Esther and started talking to… future Tumblr, I guess? Whatever. Since I started talking to future Tumblr, let me confirm this now.

The Naval Battle in my book is from Napoleon Total War. It was unscripted, a match between five people with myself being among them. If my book takes off, maybe I’ll show the battle sometime. But, that’s not very likely. I know my odds and they’re stacked against me.

Then again, I had a one in 400 trillion chance in being born. Not sure how accurate that estimate is but if there is any truth to it, then I’ve already finished the hard part. ;)

Honestly, my chances are pretty good all things considered. If I need a source, my existence is proof enough.

Back to you, Esther. You’re beautiful. I just wish you could see me now. You’ll see the difference. You’ll see how I changed and how I’ve rebuilt myself. I still get the odd fit of depression, but it doesn’t linger. I don’t hurt anymore.

Anyways, it’s almost 10 and I promised Adela I’d do the dishes. I love you, Esther. I hope you’re safe.

Esther!!! I discovered something called a poet’s collar. It’s longer, pointed collar. Like a regular shirt collar… but longer. That’s it. The keyword is “poet” though. It’s perfect! I have some ideas for it and I’m super stoked. I know just the shirt that’d work with it but it’s in California.

DAMMIT!!!

#breakup #slice of life #frustration #depression #getting over it #moving on #journal #a year ago today

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