#the book I'm reading has pretty clear definitions. but I can't make anything work with that

[running-in-the-dark]

god I'm literally just so stupid. I can't think the way you have to think to write a scientific paper. I can't. I try and I try and it just does not work. I can't do this.

[joyburble]

So, we see Donfang Qingcang reading on screen several times, and I think it's an important character message.

On encountering a problem, in episode 4, that can't be addressd by violence, what is the first thing our character does? He RTFMs. He sends Shanque to fetch the Fucking Manual, and he Reads It. What. In fact, they both read it, at least until they find the right bit.

Iconic. And adorable.

Definitely much less surprising in a Chinese genre than it would be in any English-language genre. But this section is so spectacular I want to give it a lot of weight.

The scroll is extremely long. He baulks, for a second, at the length,

but this, his face says, cannot possibly defeat him: he backs himself (I love it) and gets down to work.

It's illustrated. I'd love to hear from someone who can read any part of the text. He engages in detail with the content.

He continues in episode 5, having made some progress, and still backing himself to work out what it all means.

He takes it out on the balcony to study it by daylight. When his plans don't succeed at first, he doesn't reject the information, he thinks about it harder and compares it with the data.

Then something interesting happens: after making Orchid's tummyache better, he sits down, and without any stated reason tries to read something else, which looks like a completely normal book:

He can't focus because she's so sad, but we get a glimpse of the corner of a title label. When he puts it down, we can see it's a paperback stitched in the traditional Chinese manner.

It could be anything, but looks a reasonable size for a novel. There are also some other books on the table. Maybe they're technical works from Xiao Lanhua's library, and he's just bored and curious?

This wouldn't be as clear if it was the only example, or if we saw other characters repeatedly reading. But I don't think we do.

In episode 18 post-whump we learn again that what he does to relax and distract himself, when in pain and/or wanting attention, is read a book. It's a slim volume with a vertical format and a pretty, embellished cover. Perhaps a book of poems?

In Episode 26, now knowing he is loved, he is reading for fun again, with no explanation asked or given. Another sewn book, but in this case it has a hard cover with a shiny and colourful design. What could it be? Who knows? It seems to be making him smile a little.

The message we are getting, here, is that what he does when he wants to relax and enjoy life, is read. We’re supposed to understand that in his natural disposition, minus his father’s crimes and his profession of violence, he is a gentleman and a scholar. He is curious. He is capable of handling new information. He has brains and capabilities and ingenuity. He has a big ego, but he can put it in the engine room, not the driving seat. It's a gently-delivered message, but I think it contributes a lot to our perception of the character.

In dream-world episode 31, he is reading a scroll with Xiao Lanhua. Are they reading a story to each other? Doing the voices?

So apparently in his imagination it's a bonding activity too: you can read together with a person you love and share your reactions. A bit like you and I are doing now.

Finally, I think they published this behind-the-scenes shot for a reason (thank you @moonsupremesblog, and I'm sorry this probably should have been a reblog of this post but I got too far in before I remembered)

We can see it's Dylan Wang referring to a script, but we do a double-take because it's totally in character, the lighting, composition, and depth-of-field intentionally reinforce that effect, and we have to look at the plastic cover and the little place-tags to realise it isn't.

[gffa]

Hi! Loved your posts a lot. I love Nightwing and redhood .But the thing that annoyed a hell out of me is the way fandom jason is potrayed . Jason stans always want jason to be Nightwing 2.0.Their question is always like why jason isn't respected among heroes like dick? Why jason doesn't lead the titans like dick? .Was jason as good looking as dick?. Jason should be well suited to be spy than dick . Jaybabs is better than dickbabs.Dick is worst friend to roy. Jason should be Tim role model not dick.sometimes it confuses me if they both have same personality with different names. What's your thoughts on this.

I want to step carefully with this answer because I don't want to make it seem like Jason fans are a monolith (they're most definitely not, half of my Cool People in this fandom are the most excellent DC fans you'll ever meet and Jason is Their Guy!!!) or that I'm talking about anything other than a very specific subset of fans. And that any time I say "Jason fans", it is specifically about the subsection who falls into this, not the whole of his fandom!! And, as a caveat, I'm only talking about my experiences in Jason fandom--of which I do consider myself a part of!--but that someone else who is deeper into Jason fandom than I am may have COMPLETELY different experiences than what either you or I have experienced! And, to be clear, I will point the finger in any direction, that every Bat has a subset of fans that is deeply frustrating, Tim fans have it, Damian fans have it, Dick fans have it, Bruce fans have it, etc. Every one of them has that group of fans that I go ??? over. But also I think I should be clear in that I think we should try to approach other corners of fandom with empathy, because a) we're all annoying nerds to someone else as well, that's just what fandom is and b) this fandom is hostile enough over comic book characters of all things, I'm going to try to limit the amount of gasoline I throw on the fire. ;) I think what causes a lot of fanon Jason in a certain subset of fandom comes from a mix of - Not a lot of regular appearances/his own book/GOOD appearances in his own book/a consistent characterization in those books - A lot of people read more fic than they do the comics - People naturally want their babygirl to have nice things, that's a pretty human response - Jason was kind of created to be a Dick Grayson clone in the first place, in some ways, so it's a natural extension

Jason fans have it rough in canon because he is all over the place, he's not written consistently, so half of the time he's written as the woobie, half of the time he's written as two steps away from being full villain, and it feels like every author has a different take on how Jason sees himself or what he wants. It's hard to agree on what Jason's character is like/what the point of him in the larger comics landscape is, because even the canon can't agree on that. So, then you throw in all these epically long fics that are written by extremely talented authors, who have a consistent take within their own writing, which explores Jason's issues in a way that feels like it has a lot more depth and vulnerability to him, and it's easy to go, yeah, okay, comics are kind of thin, but now I have this strongly developed sense of him in my mind! And when comics don't match that, when Jason is meaner or more of a villain or less cool in the comics, because the comics didn't do all that character work, the fic did, it becomes easy to go, "This isn't what Jason deserves, he deserves to have his issues explored better!" And, like. Jason does deserve better than what Nu52 gave him. It's a thing that a lot of fic vs comics have--like, there's a subset of Tim's fandom that writes him as the most delicate character ever (there's a lot of fic that explores Tim's vulnerabilities, I am not talking about those!!!) and, guess what, has to make Dick a terrible person in those fics as well, like the whole "Dick tried to send Tim to Arkham" is a straight up lie about what happened, but how many of us have still come across it? Which I think comes from that Dick Grayson is a character that you just kind of can't remove from the foundational Batman narrative and mythos, like you can't remove Bruce and still get what you need for the set-up--but Bruce occupies the space of "Dad" for the characters, so he has a very different, defined place in the Robin Of Choice's life. Dick, on the other hand, you can't just lift him out--he created Robin, he was the one that dragged Bruce out of the dark in the first place and created the role of Adopted Kid Who Bruce Is Complicated About, and still occupies that space very strongly. Even when he hasn't been Robin in a long time, his shadow casts extremely long, because honestly I'll die on the hill that I think he's everyone's favorite Robin to this day. Bruce? Yeah. Jason? Yeah. Tim? Yeah. Damian? Even if he never met Robin!Dick, I'd bet he's still say Dick was his favorite Robin. Superman? Explicitly said it in a comic.

(And I feel like there's an element that can be explored on how Dick also set the expectation of how to grow out of being Robin--he moved on to being Nightwing, so we expect that of the other Robins. I've been complaining forever that Tim needs to be allowed to finally do this, to step out of being Robin and not just be Red Robin, but to find his own unique thing. And, honestly, that probably does look more like Nightwing than not. I think there's an expectation that eventually Damian will realize that he doesn't want to be Batman and will instead be something else--or at least that it's a strong possibility. Which again looks a lot more like Nightwing than it maybe should. Because what else do you do with characters when you want to establish them out on their own? So Jason should follow that same path, right? He's kind of halfway onto it, with being Red Hood now, it's just that Red Hood has such a complicated history with how many people he's murdered, so what other options should there be? And patterning him after Nightwing, just as his Robin was patterned off of Dick's Robin in a lot of ways, could be a natural step forward for him there, too.) So, the specter of Dick Grayson hangs over the role and the Bat-son's place in Bruce's life--two things that are big issues in Jason's life. Then you add in that Jason was basically created to replace Dick Grayson exactly, like you can't even tell the difference in half of the panels of Jason's time as Robin if you don't already know. Then you add in that, to try to flesh out Roy's character, they gave him Roy and Kory as friends, two people who were Dick's friends first. And that makes sense--who else would you have as Jason's friends, given his general age? The Justice League is too old for him, Young Justice is too young for him, the only major team in his age bracket are the Titans--characters he does have some connection with, via Roy and Kory. And it's a natural question of, well, why didn't Jason lead them, too? Because Dick lead a team, Tim lead a team, it felt like a thing Robin was supposed to do, to the point that, when Dick introduced Damian to the Teen Titans, he automatically assumed he would lead (well, that's also just Damian XD) because that's what Robins do, why shouldn't Jason, too? So, I see where all of it comes from and understand the appeal--it's a lot more fun than the canon for Jason can be at times and feels like it understands his character better and fanon Jason is a lot more likeable and there's often times a lot that's explore that is really, really good character stuff. I think a lot of Dick's characteristics get ported over to Jason because there's just not as much else established for him in the canon, whether friends or a solidified narrative presence or even a consistent characterization, and Dick's a fun character, he has a rich history of friends and complicated dynamics with characters, like his relationship with Bruce is ridiculously fun to dig into, his relationship with Jason can actually be really interesting, his relationship with Tim is both adorable and has some nice crunch, his relationship with Damian is heart-wrenching--who wouldn't want a character with a wealth of dynamics and characterization to step into? Especially when you go back to canon and Jason's borderline a villain who isn't justified in killing people but still does it anyway, whose trauma is not getting explored in a way that's as satisfying as fanon's version of him is, because canon Jason is a lot more of a hot mess and stepped over the line, while fanon Jason tends to be more righteous and still on the right side of the line. (Or at least intended to, there's a lot of "Jason should be allowed to kill people and not be a bad guy for it." out there.) I think this is why I get a lot of Jason fans reblogging my comics posts about canon who yell at me for liking garbage comics when, guys, I'm just reacting to what's actually on the page for Jason.

Jason is a character who has this massive fandom that has been built up around the potential of the character, much of which had to be borrowed from Dick because that's the only really available options and because his central relationship (the one with Bruce) has so many parallels to Dick's relationship (with Bruce) and because Dick being who he is means that he's very easy to like (Dick's not perfect and I'm certainly biased here, but I do genuinely think that Dick is pretty easy to like as a person) and because he has such a rich history of dynamics and relationships that fans see as being really fun to explore, if only Jason had had those relationships instead. I suspect a lot of it comes down to that there's this massive fandom for Jason--fic, posts about him, fanart of him, headcanons for him, etc., throw a rock in fandom and you'll hit a popular post that has Jason as their babygirl Blorbo--and comics themselves don't often match that and comics fandom are pretty notorious for hating their source material/throwing it out in a way that's borderline assumed default MO, so Jason fans aren't any different from people complaining that this comic or that comic coming out right now are garbage. Anyway, that's been my experience. It's not that Jason fandom doesn't do unique things with Jason's character (his death is different from what Dick's experienced, his relationship with Bruce does often come in different flavors, etc.) but the places where they overlap are ones that I can understand why it happens, even if I often personally find that it doesn't match up to who he is in the source material now and feel like there's a lot of really good, crunchy unexplored angles for a character who has been deeply hurt, but went over the line about it, like that's why the recent short story in Beast World Tour: Gotham went so hard for me, because it felt like it had teeth and claws in a way that I've been wanting for Jason for a long time.

[eccentric-nucleus]

the only story in the progression fantasy/litrpg/etc space that i've really enjoyed and kept up with has been super supportive, tho that's with the caveat that the first sixty chapters are basically a self-contained novel that is pretty good, and then the next uh hundred and thirty chapters spend a lot of time defusing a lot of the setup. it's not just the slice-of-life stuff that predominates, it's the part where the story slowly picks away at the setup

like so, this is gonna have spoilers for the first chunk of super supportive. i've already made a post about this before i think but this will be post #2 i guess.

so super supportive introduces the state of the world: it's like 2040, and aliens contacted earth in the 1960s and brought with them all sorts of cool technology, intergalactic communication, and also the system. magic is real and aliens can do it and now with the system some people will get selected to have superpowers and get to go on quests to alien planets and get fabulous quest rewards (further superhero powers!) for doing so! wow everybody wants to be a superhero because it's so cool!

oh yeah so the technical term for the system is 'the interdimensional warriors contract', and earth is tithed to submit people to it. the aliens get to choose who. and if they choose you, you can't refuse. you also can't really refuse a summons. one of the most popular, to the aliens, classes is the one where you're just a personal assistant. classes with actual superpowers also sometimes get summoned away on some quest and are never heard from again. sometimes they get death notifications, months or years later, but sometimes not. you don't get to pick your class either; those get assigned to you, though you can swap classes with somebody else during a brief provisional period after you've been selected but before your superpowers come due. also, humans have no clue how to really use the system; the aliens make a big point of not telling anybody anything about how it's put together or even things like "these skills are good and these other skills suck". part of the 'appeal' stat involves mental changes to make you more sociable and agreeable.

they do pay superheroes for their work. but they can't really say no to a job, or control what they do. one early example of 'tasks superheroes get summoned to do' is 'help evacuate a dangerous research station' 'but only our contracted employees; explicitly do not allow the other staff who have not contracted to our corporation to leave'.

also, a major character early on is: literally an imprisoned slave who's chained to his desk and has a geas over him such that he's not able to do things like 'express preferences'. some alien wizard just dropped him down at the embassy and he's been stuck working there for decades now. i'm sure it's fine.

so as it goes through the early chapters and these things get revealed there's a lot of tension between how everybody in-universe thinks about this ("superheroes cool") and the out-of-universe information, in which it's clear this is something more like indentured labor. there's a lot of ominous weight about the power differential there. this is a world where magic is real, the universe runs on magic, aliens can use magic, but humans can't. and the magical system aliens have put in place on earth is one that is explicitly gamified with pretty tokens and prebuilt skills and nothing even approaching, like, information on how it works.

so that's interesting! and then the first 'book' ends and the main character gets back to earth and it seems like there's a lot of backing-off of those implications. all the aliens we meet are super cool and nice and honorable. despite some gesturing at various factions of aliens, there hasn't really been a lot of followthrough on, like, the alien politics involved or how they're set up. so i'm still reading because i think it definitely still has promise, & it's written in a fairly engaging fashion, but all of this is basically contingent on it actually having a good payoff for all the buildup, & i'm not really sure that the author really cares about that stuff specifically.

[kinfriday]

The Irregular Ascetic

In August, I briefly made a new friend on Tumblr.

His account has long since vanished for reasons I do not know. Maybe this place just didn't click for him. I've been here for years and always found it welcoming, but I know that, like everything, this site is not for everyone.

He'd send me a message, ask a question or two, and when I checked every week or so, I'd do my best to reply.

Then, one day, he was gone, but not before leaving me one last question:

"An ascetic heathen life? What does that look like to you? I want to see that visual."

And that's kind of the question, isn't it?

The thing about callings is that they aren't always clear-cut. I may feel drawn towards an ascetic heathen life, but it's not like my Gods sent me an Ikea flat-pack kit.

As seems to be the pattern with the Germanic deities, they tapped me on the shoulder and then said...

"Here ya go, figure it out."

And here we are. Forty-Two, with over ten years as a member of the Ár nDraíocht Féin (ADF), I haven't finished my dedicant path, nor started the clergy track.

I can't remember the last time I did a full ritual.

All in all, I seem like a pretty crappy monk, don't I?

Sister Snow Hare, indeed...

It seems that my vanishing friend pinned me to the wall. I've been chewing on this again, trying to work it out.

If you're reading this, buddy, know that you kicked off a lot of introspection about my path, and you inspired this long rambling Tumblr post.

The best place to start is the beginning. (A little free wisdom)

So, what exactly is monasticism?

Good ol’ Mr. Wikipedia defines it as "a religious way of life in which one renounces worldly pursuits to devote oneself fully to spiritual work."

No matter the faith, this is a feature of monastic life: asceticism, self-denial, and focus.

Have I mentioned I can't remember the last time I did a ritual yet?

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Nothing makes me feel guilty, like comparing myself to the standards and practices of others. Somewhere out there, a Buddhist is living on four grains of rice, meditating eighteen hours a day, stopping only to sleep. The five minutes a day he spends on Tumblr, he's laughing at me.

I just know it. >.>

You could say I've been feeling a little convicted about this.

Yet the calling is still there. My relationship with my Gods isn't just good; it's warm. While not formal or official, I have a fulfilling spiritual life that's not structured like anything in the faith org I faithfully send my twenty dollars a year to and then largely hide from.

So what's going on?

I've begun to realize slowly over the last year that my faith path will probably never be recognizable as anything routine, rote, or by the book, but what it will be is mine.

Where does my asceticism show?

Let me take you through a typical day.

Waking at 2300 (11 pm), I plank for three minutes, do about ten minutes of calisthenics, wash my face, and then meditate for twenty minutes to a half hour, offering that time to the Gods. Then, with that done, I recite my creed and head off to the gym.

I have a creed. I'm that fancy!

While I'm in the truck, I informally pray. Often, I'm talking to my Lady Eostre, but the other Gods definitely get included. Woden and I have always gotten along, and Thunor, I call big brother because he's always watching out for us and protecting us.

Now it's time for my hour minimum at the gym. Half an hour each of cardio and weight training. This is so I can be in good condition and proper shape.

Good health is important to me, but more on that in a moment.

When I get home, I clean for about an hour, something I call "service meditation." Scrubbing floors, cleaning counters, and sanitizing bathrooms is a gift I can give daily to my loved ones with whom I make a home. While I work, I reflect on them and consider all they give me.

After a much-needed shower, I'm in the office and might finally have breakfast. I eat, ascetically, often the same thing every day; I keep my calories low and usually take up a 16-hour fast between my last meal and first meal.

Everything gets weighed down to the gram and tracked on my calorie sheet.

Next comes editing, writing, often some informal online counseling, or time spent on networks like Counter Social, Telegram, and Discord trying to help people, even if it's only getting them to smile.

Hope is big for me because my Lady Eostre is the goddess of Spring and the Dawn. She is hope personified, a goddess of fresh chances and potential. Pointing back to her and her values is my purpose. It's what I was made for.

My day continues like that until I'm in bed at 1600 (4 PM), after an hour cool-down where I go through my creed and have one last conversation with the Gods. That's when I set out my fruit offerings if I happened to have any that day.

It's a hard and fast rule. The gods always get the best part of the banana and the strawberry.

This is the way.

My bed is a mat that rolls out on the floor. I started that in 2020, and I've never been happier or slept better, and when I travel, it comes with me.

And I travel a lot.

My family here calls it "missions." Every now and again, someone in my network will need help. They might be having surgery, a mental health crisis, or are moving cross town or cross country. Whatever the reason, the call goes out, and if I can make it work with money, I'll hop a plane, train, or bus and get out there.

Beyond the joy I get from being in shape and capable, this is why I work out. It's much easier to load and move boxes or help lift people when you're in decent physical condition. 

I actually have training as a CNA, so I know how to do all the transfer stuff, and I have decent experience in post-surgical care.  

I don't want to go into this part too much because it feels like bragging, but I've been all over the States and soon to be Canada just helping people. I ramble in, do what I can, then return home and take back up my discarded routine.

And this is my life, apart from writing my books. As I looked at it and began breaking it down, I realized that I am already living a disciplined ascetic life.  

My gods and my faith are at the forefront of what I do, but what defines my faith isn't the regular application of ritual, but action. Indeed, one of the sayings I live by is actions show what words claim.

So I'm not on a mountaintop, meditating with the sun's rising and setting, or dwelling within a monastery, cloistered from the world, living to sing hymns. There is beauty in that kind of asceticism, but it's not my asceticism.

Yet, we do have things in common.

My life is one of service, with a focus on the divine and the advancement of their aims for the world. It is my hope (there's that word again) that I can show the wisdom and cunning of Woden, the strength of Thunor, the honor of Tyr, and most of all, embody the hope of the Dawn in all I do.

Of course, I'm not perfect, and Saturdays are often waffle day, but life is about growth, not static metrics.

It's dawning on me that I may never be fully recognized in my path. I don't seem to jive well with organizations and dogmatic structures. I may never have Reverend by my name or "Sister" formally. When it's time to go, I may not even leave much behind save my books and these Tumblr posts.

When I do cross that far horizon, and I am again before my Lady, I hope she will look back on all I did during this strange human odyssey and see that while I may have been taken from her for a time, I never stopped being her devoted one, her servant, and that is all the formal recognition I will ever need.

For me, an ascetic heathen life is one of actions, denial, and service, which I seek to live every day.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Chortle headlines.

Some of these are interesting. I don't know if it bodes well if Paddy Young is the absolute best rookie comedians in all of Britain, but he definitely had a good show last year (that got streamed on NextUp from Edinburgh). I have trouble believing anyone wrote a show that's better than both Paul Foot's Dissolve and Ahir Shah's Ends, but to be fair, I haven't seen John Kearns' show and he is very fucking good at these things, makes me hope even more that he'll be doing something in Edinburgh while I'm there. Alex Horne got an award for Taskmaster being an outstanding achievement, not quite sure what that means but I think it's accurate. I think if you look up the definition of "breakthrough act" you'll just find a note that says "see Sam Campbell's career throughout 2023", so that couldn't really have gone any other way. I've heard Kiri Pritchard-McLean compere a bunch on NextUp things, she is in fact very good at clubs. I haven't seen any of the other nominees but I'm still sure that James Acaster deserved to win that best tour one. I couldn't stomach the amount of Celebrity Glamour in Joe Lycett's new show but he is a great comedian and he is definitely made to be a TV comedian, which in some ways could be an insult but I really mean it as a compliment, he's great at that, good for him. Munya Chawawa posts highly amusing song parodies on YouTube. Fern Brady's is one of the best comedian books I've read. Three Bean Salad I was unable to get into, but maybe I'll give it another shot sometimes, after I finish with the winners of that radio award, John and Elis - well done to them for getting over ten years and not completely falling apart. I usually find it hard to get into sketch comedy (or anything that isn't straight stand-up) but Lorna Rose Treen made me laugh with character things last summer, so she probably deserves that one.

Those are my unsolicited opinions on that. The existence of Taskmaster is definitely an outstanding achievement for all involved.

This a special feature that happens every once in a while, called "Chortle publishes the contents of Daniel Kitson's mailing list". I find it gets funnier the less it sounds like Steve Bennett knows about the news items beyond the contents of the mailing list email, and in this case, that is clearly fuck all. But anyway, it's a great show and exciting announcement, anyone who has the opportunity should go see this tour. He said in the email that he might try to get something going in NYC later this year, which would be incredibly logistically difficult for me to get to (8.5-hour drive each way if I can borrow a car from someone, which would be tough, 14 hours on the bus otherwise, I've been told I can't take any more vacation days in 2024 because I used them on the London/Edinburgh trip), but still, I have found myself wondering how I might be able to make that work if he actually announces it.

Fucking hell. I can't believe this. My local comedian Facebook group is going pretty wild in response to this news. That's fucking huge, a massive amount of stuff is centred around this. To be honest I'm still not clear on the scope of this news so I won't go into it too much, I'll just say, fucking hell. Truly shocking. That's like a sport just canceling its national championships halfway through the season.

Excellent. Everyone should read this. His 2023 show (which I think he's still touring) is one of my favourite comedy shows ever. And the one before that, which inspired this book, is also very fucking funny, though not as good as his latest one.

Also, I am up for a trend of one comedian per year writing a book about their relatively recent autism diagnosis. Who do we think it'll be in 2025? I have approximately four to five suggestions.

[rjschoicesstuff]

43 for Imtura, Rex, + Tyril and 22 for Cas, Gabe, + Ripley

from [this] ask game

Thank uuu (and also for giving me the list in the 1st place, I'm so bad at finding these lol!!)

I'm putting it under the cut bc it got longggg again IM SORRY AHHHH it might b full of typos cause im too lazy to read it over lol

Imtura Rex and Tyril:

43. Have cultural dynamics played a part in how the polycule operates?

For sure!!

From what I understand + with their relationships being more fluid, I feel like orcs would 'claim' a partner wayy less n approach it more like friendships where like normal ppl are also not gonna give a shit if you have other friends. So I feel like Imtura never really cared about what Rex was up to with Tyril. And Rex probably did bring it up like 'is that ok with you?' and instead ended up being encouraged to go for it, because I feel like Imtura thinks it's hilarious when Rex makes kinda flirty jokes at him and he gets all flustered. And I think she WANTS to see how their serious elf boy acts when he's in love lol. And as how things work in her culture, she doesn't feel like she has the right to tell Rex she can only love her, nor does she want to anyway. But like due to Rex checking in she realises how silly that would even be. Rex is also clear with her that the same goes for her. And I imagine Imtura does have a bunch of lovers besides Rex, tho I do think with Rex it's a bit more solid especially after the convo they had in book 3 chapter 1. Like wow I did not expect to be like this with anyone ever.

And the elves are already polyam anyway though they still have those rules like, one kilvalir (kilvalirs? Idk), multiple dinvalir, so there wasn't an issue there either, at first. Like I think Tyril viewed Rex and Imtura as dinvalir of each other, that's Fine. But eventually he starts feeling like what him and Rex have is more than just dinvalir and obviously not just kilvalir either, so he comes up with uluvalir and views that as this special thing between them. Like especially due to how his culture sees all tht, u know, like it's controversial + highly unlikely and that makes it Huge to him I guess. And to Rex it's huge too but more from understanding it from his perspective, because to her that stuff is inherently more intertwined anyway. So like I feel like he would be a bit hurt initially, when at some point Rex does say something along the lines of like 'I feel similar for Imtura as for you, I wouldn't call her uluvalir because that's Our Thing but like that emotional connection is there y'know.' Like I feel like it's not something they'll have fights or a Hard time about, but rather something that makes Tyril realise some Stuff about that whole system. And I think it'd spark a bunch of convo's about how they love and what all that means to them. But like I still do think that being raised in that culture and with those ideas makes it a lot easier to 'share' partners tho. And I think he can't even imagine Rex without Imtura, he thinks Imtura is really good for Rex, he respects Imtura and Rex also gets to explore stuff with her that she can't with him.

Also Rex was definitely raised with the human idea that like, you're supposed to be with one person at a time and you're supposed to be 'loyal' to that person (so don't do anything like kissing, holding hands etc. with anyone else if ur in a relationship) and anything that breaks that loyalty is cheating. Like that's how his parents viewed it. But I think that among the youth in the village it didn't Work like that for everyone and Rex did have one experience where 3 friends (who definitely had something going on together too) were all into him and Rex was like 👉👈 'I think ur all really cool and pretty..' and ended up just being with all of them for a few months until they got bored of him and stuck together again LMAO. But from there on he was permanently CORRUPTED (/joke), like it feels silly to stick to 1 person?? I think when he learns about how orcs work in that regard he also rly vibes with that.

Ripley, Cas and Gabe:

22. Who has the strongest communication skills in the group? Who has the weakest?

Gabriela definitely is the strongest communicator and I think at times her back must hurt from carrying tht shit lmao like I think she's good at reading Ripley and Cas and figuring out that something is up and gets them to TALK. And she's also pretty in tune with her own feelings and recognizing what she's feeling and why and what would help. If she wants to be held she'll just ask for it.

Both Cas and Ripley are poor on that front in their own way. Like I always imagine Ripley just makes a messss in book 1 and she's lucky that there's sm shit going on that Cas and Gabe would rather postpone any serious convo's about Whatever Is Going On Between Us and making her choose between them, because Ripley gets really distressed whenever it comes up. And it just doesn't feel as important compared to all the stuff going on and just keeping her alive. And they both want to protect her and care about her and they have an easier time doing that as long as things stay the way they are at that point. I think Gabe makes peace with it faster than Cas and is pretty open about that. But like Cas just feels embarassed for having Feelings and admitting when his feelings get hurt so he's not as open with Ripley about that, aside from getting mad whenever it gets too much or taking it out on Gabriela.

And another instance is when she's bottling her worries about being intimate with Cas up because she just has certain ideas of how 'heterosexual' couples work or what men want from women. And Cas eventually just has to have a whole intervention like ok what's up. And ends up having to be like ok you're being rly stupid rn and also you assume im BORING and im kinda offended. (Lighthearted)

I think she gets better at it, I imagine, like Ripley is a very honest person and doesn't have a problem telling them when they do stuff that annoys her or something lol. Like I think as she gets closer to them + everything feels secure it just feels less like bringing shit up might make the whole thing fall apart. I think sonetimes she has trouble identifying her own feelings about stuff and has to be prodded a bit. Like when she didn't realise that she just needed some space but Gabe picked up on it bc she'd lock herself in the bathroom for hours to get away from them lmao. And instead Gabriela has to be like 'could it be that you need some space' and Ripley's like 'hmmm yeah honestly, now tgat you say it.... I really like you guys though it's not anything you guys do wrong or anything.'

Meanwhile Cas tends to reallyyy bottle shit up because he thinks it's stupid when his feelings get hurt or he needs affection and stuff. And thinks it's stupid that even happens in the first place, doesn't want to aknowledge it, really. I think Cas has a lot more issues/worries regarding being abandoned and stuff and I think in the beginning Ripley is really nottt a match for him in that regard because she really triggers those feelings. I think Cas (during the book 1 events) worries and honestly just assumes that eventually she will abandon him and choose Gabriela over him. He'd never tell her that tho like imagine letting her know he'd CARE if that happened?? No way, that's stupid. Like it just seems humuliating to him to let someone know they could hurt hin like that. And when it haopens he just wants it to seem like he's unbothered. I think he fr sometimes gets headaches from trying not to cry about it lmao. I imagine Cas is the kinda person who 'enjoys' getting physically hurt because it'll get him pity and attention and care without having to ask for it. I think eve once they all agree on being polyam, and he is at peace with the idea of Ripley being with both abd truly believes she loves them both, he still deals with jealousy. Especially because at times it does seem like Ripley favours Gabe a bit (especially when it's m!cas and f!gabe because Ripley IS physically more attracted to her and it's very clear). But once again bottles it up until he just starts acting pissy and Gabriela confronts him, he gets defensive and they all start arguing until he just blurts out something that outright tells them he's jealous/feels like Ripley favours Gabriela. And Ripley and Gabe are like 'oh 💡!' Idk I think in the beginning of when things get Official there's a lot of problems like that, like I can't even keep going rn HDHDHD but it is something that will improve because eventually he'll just have an easier time being vulnerable with them + they fing their rythm + I think both Gabe and Ripley start picking up on nonverbal ques that he wants to be held rn and stuff lmao 💀. Like I know he initiates stuff on his own a lot but sometimes he wants it the other way around without asking and they can tell exactly when.

[sharkiethedork]

Hi so I finished reading A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor by Hank Green the other day and I really enjoyed it! I do have a couple rambley nitpicks on how I thought the story was gonna go but I don't know anyone else who's read these books yet so I'm gonna throw it out here into the void. so spoilers below! (I do highly recommend these two books though so if you do read them we can talk about them hehe)

Okay I was SURE that the text that Miranda got from Maya about the the dresses was actually from Carl's Brother/One dgsdfgs like! I was reading that part and right when Miranda starts speculating on what Maya meant by that, I had a really incredible moment of dread when I remembered that, oh shit, April chucked Maya's phone out of the car earlier! I thought One got ahold of the phone or signal or whatever and sent that text to make Miranda feel bad and start doubting her friends so she would get mixed up in Altus easier! I believe Carl gives Maya her phone back in the next chapter and I was kind of waiting for that reveal to be made for a good chunk of the book, but then Maya said that she did send that text when she rescues Miranda from the Altus space. (And for a moment, that also made me wonder if that was actually a fake out too! But that wouldn't make much sense for One to do since Miranda didn't know they'd be coming to get her then anyway)

Which, isn't a problem and I know the whole book wasn't always strictly chronological so that's fine. Maybe I'm just a sucker for when the villain completely plays the protagonists (which, to be fair, was the case when it came to the Thread so I did get what I wanted in that way lol) but I was very slightly disappointed that my foreshadowing senses were slightly off there haha

And secondly. I was positive Robin was gonna die at some point lol. He's the only member of the gang who didn't have any chapters in the book, and Andy said something to the affect of "I never learned more about why Robin has issues with dating" after their heart-to-heat scene (Which was a scene I really adored btw). It just turns out that Robin just kinda...stopped showing up about 3/4th the way though.

While I definitely get that it probably wasn't feasible to have a SIXTH narrator in the book, and as an aspirational writer with a few minor projects under my belt I'm very aware that sometimes you just end up having a character that just kinda doesn't have anything to do later on and falls to the wayside, Robin's absence did kind of feel like a missed opportunity. Robin's reveal that he knew April's agent whos name escapes me soz was also working for Petrawiki was the partial catalyst that led to April "dying" in the first book, and he makes it clear to Andy that he's wracked with guilt about it. If I recall, the only interaction we get between him and April is that she hugs him when he shows up at the penthouse, and I'm pretty sure that scene ends up being his last appearance or at least his last major one. I think it would have been great if some time was spent in an April chapter where they make up. It's fine if April has forgiven him since then, but having some closure between them on the page would have been really great. Oh well.

At the very least when it comes to him not being a narrator, I can easily imagine them asking Robin to help write the book but he's just like "Hey it was your guys' job to do all the work on the ground, my job is to be your agent and get it out there, let me do that well."

Other than those two frankly minor nitpicks I thought ABFE was really good! I wish I had read them sooner but they came out while I was in the middle of my like five years where I didn't read shit, and also I hadn't been paying much attention to Nerdfighteria so I was only vaguely aware of the books for a while. I think I slightly prefer An Absolutely Remarkable Thing although I'm not super sure why I do, but you can't just stop at the first one!

[avrablake]

15 Questions Tag: Iris

Thanks for tag @nopoodles

I've also answered this for Ryu, Kaori, Nix, and Nolan if you want to see their responses.

I'm having her answer these just before she meets Nolan. Her life definitely doesn't end up taking the direction she thought it would.

1 - Are you named after anyone?

I don't know. I don't remember very much about my birth family but I do remember that my mother had a flower garden. I guess she named me Iris because she liked flowers.

2 - When was the last time you cried?

*Her face turns red and she laughs an embarrassed laugh*

Turns out I cry pretty easily. I cry when I'm mad, which I hate, and when I'm embarrassed, and when I'm sad, and even sometimes when I'm happy. I don't really keep track of it.

3 - Do you have any kids?

I'm definitely too young for that. I do have about 20 little brothers and sisters though.

4 - Do you use sarcasm?

Not really. Miss Margaret doesn't like it. The younger kids are always getting scolded for being sarcastic, especially Gram. I don't disagree with her either. It seems sarcasm is meant to be hurtful more than it's meant to be funny.

5 - What's the first think you notice about people?

Hmmm. I can usually tell when someone is trying to hide something. Or when they aren't being genuine. I guess I notice their body language? I've never really thought about it.

6 - What is your eye color?

*she points at her eyes with both index fingers and grins*

Blue!

7 - Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings for sure, but I do think scary movies can be fun as long as they aren't too scary. I like the old ones with no special effects and I think jump scares can be fun. But I don't like the really gruesome ones.

8 - Any special talents?

The kids all like when I tell stories, so I guess I'm pretty good at that.

9 - Where were you born?

*her smile slips and she blinks rapidly. She clears her throat before answering*

Uh, I was born in one of the farming villages near the city. But I've been at the orphanage since I was about six. To me that's home.

10 - What are your hobbies?

*her eyes light up and she wipes them before answering*

I like telling stories to the younger kids at the orphanage. I like to read so sometimes I just retell them stories from books I've read. But there aren't that many books at the orphanage. When some of the kids started getting tired of those I started making up my own. Sometimes I take the kids outside at night and we look for pictures in the sky together. Sometimes I make up a story about what they say they see.

I also like gardening. I grow a small vegetable garden at the orphanage. I grow a few flowers too though there isn't very much room.

11 - Do you have any pets?

Do Gram and Aly count? Sometimes I think those two are more like a couple of wild animals than children.

12 - What sports do you or have you played?

Unfortunately I've never really been able to play any sports or games. I've never had very much stamina and I get sick a lot. Miss Margaret always made me stay on the sidelines when the other kids were playing.

13 - How tall are you?

Around 5'2" I think?

14 - Favorite subject in school?

Miss Margaret is very insistent that we all are well educated. She teaches us herself but that doesn't mean our education is worse than anyone else's. She even made us learn things like etiquette and dancing. I can't imagine any of us ever mingling with those wealthy people from the city, aside from Dr. Avery. Dancing was really fun though.

I guess my favorite has always been reading though. I also enjoyed gardening and learning about different kinds of plants.

15 - Dream job?

Wow that seems like too big of a question to have a simple answer. Like if I could do anything? I suppose Dr. Avery's work is interesting. I help him sometimes when he comes here, but I'm not sure I would want to be a doctor. I don't know. I've never really thought about doing anything except helping Miss Margaret here at the orphanage. I really love working with all the kids.

-

leaving an Open Tag and also tagging (no pressure) @thegreatobsesso @eccaiia and @shellyscribbles to answer this for one of your OCs or for yourself

[perks-of-being-a-nurse]

What made you want to become a nurse ?

hey @coldbrewman1 ! sorry I'm not sure when you sent this, I'm not super active on this blog anymore and mostly just post a mash up of things on my main @starfish-enterprise .

anyway! I don't have a super profound answer to this question. I've always been interested in medical things/the human body as long as I can remember. I remember looking at human body books I had as a little kid and stuff like that. this turned into watching medical shows, reading lots of random stuff, and sneakily watching medical reality/reenactment shows when I wasn't supposed to be watching TLC 😆

I've been pretty involved in scouts Canada since I was six going up through the program, and through scouts I had opportunities to do first aid training which I really liked. I also met a lot of amazing people who are lifelong friends who shared my same interests, and starting in highschool I was able to be involved in a "vocational program" focused on first aid and medical training and providing volunteer first aid for camps, scouting events, and community events. I have been able to be part of the medical service for three national scout camps with thousands of kids and it's amazing!

doing this volunteering kind of solidified in my mind like okay something medical is definitely what I want to do. originally I really wanted to be a paramedic, and the year after I graduated from high school I got my emergency medical responder license. I never ended up getting paid to work with that license (I did volunteer,) but I did volunteer under that scope. where I live it can be difficult to make a good wage starting out as a paramedic. BC has a provincial paramedic service, and it's a union (which is great) so it's all seniority based, so getting a full time position in a city can take a long time. on call hourly pay is terrible, and you usually start in a rural area where you might not get a lot of calls, so if you don't get any calls you could make just $14 for a 12 hour shift.

my mom discouraged me from pursuing that for various reasons, and she also really encouraged me to get a university degree, which is what most people do in my family. I didn't want to do just like a random biology degree, because I don't necessarily work well when I can't see a clear trajectory and a concrete end goal of what I'm working towards, if that makes sense. even doing a degree with the goal of med school still has a lot of possible routes to get there, and it's so much school, which is not my favourite lol. I also knew I still wanted to do something medical/health care related, so that led me to nursing! I applied to a few universities in my last year of high school, and I was accepted to nursing programs at Queens and Western universities in Ontario. I almost went to Queens, but I didn't feel ready to go straight into university after high school.

I took a year off, did that EMR course and licensing, worked at a grocery store and as a nanny, and did volunteer ski patrol (more first aid) at my local ski hill.

during that year I applied to my local nursing program which I wasn't able to apply to straight out of high school due to various course credit stuff which they have since changed. I was lucky enough to get in on my first try, which is amazing because there's often a long wait-list for this program. then I finished and became a nurse!

tldr: I like medical stuff, becoming a doctor is a lot of school, and paramedics don't make as much money 😆

anyway, I don't a have a super profound answer or anything, it was just a good career choice that worked for me. nursing wasn't a calling to me, its not really my passion, it's my job. it's a job that I really like and sometimes love, but it's my job, not my life. I think we need to hear more of that because it will help nurses get paid more and change public perception. I'm not nursing for altruistic reasons, and honestly I don't know anyone who is. the narrative of nursing being a calling or whatever needs to change imo.

sorry about my little diversion at the end there! there's the long convoluted answer 😆

[0thsense]

5/30/2023

Go ahead, put anything. okay tumblr. I want to develop my life. I want to upgrade myself. The path to physical upgrade is so clear.. go to the gym, do cardio, etc. The path to other upgrades? not so clear. Should I flesh out my frameworks of living? do I just choose one even though I'm not sure of anything? I have no direction in life. I want to create something beautiful. If I create one beautiful thing.. well I can't make any promises. to myself. I wonder if everybody feels about their soul in the same way. Does everyone feel that they have something uniquely pure and beautiful to offer to the world. It's probably all a delusion, but thinking that way feels like my soul will just die. I'm just rambling about things that make no sense. Everybody has different definitions for these things so communicating about them is really hard. I guess the human brain is hardwired to think in terms of cause and effect, which makes us ask "why am i here". but for that we can't find a meaningful answer, so we have to decide on an answer, and that's really hard. I sometimes think I should just decide on something just to try it out, but for these things you can't just "try it out", it'll never work unless you fully believe in it. Is that something that other people have done that I'm missing? that leap of faith to just believe in some purpose? I guess from a religious perspective maybe but what about non-religious people? I guess there's less pressure to answer this question if you naturally life effectively in society anyways, since you don't need the additional motivation. I always feel like I need additional information to answer this question and I don't have the drive to gather this additional information. Gathering this additional information means trying really hard at things for like a year.

I also feel like I'm not maturing because my life experience does not give me new insights. I could try to read books and ponder on them, but I feel like that results in incorrect and shallow conclusions, even if the books are good. Did I mature from playing omori? I probably felt the strongest emotions from playing Omori in my whole life the last 2-3 years. Maybe I forgot something, which feels increasingly common.

Due to the earth's rejection of my autistic self and my waning self-confidence, im trying to be a normie. I suck at socially interacting in a normie way. I miss when I could just say whatever was on my mind and people respected me enough to take me seriously. I feel like there's a ball of thoughts in my head that only make full sense in context of the entire ball, and it's impossible to write that whole ball so it's impossible to communicate this whole ball. That makes me scared to share any one part of this ball.

I finished reading The Road, and im reading oyasumi punpun right now. I want to write something on the things I read which affect me so I never forget. I should write something about Omori now, as my memory of it continues to wane. I'm so scared of doing all these things like reading, etc. and just not making any progress towards anything. One main purpose of reading is I want to be exposed to different views and ways of thinking, and I can't tell if thats happening. I recognized value in The Handmaid's Tale but I probably got like 5% of what the author was trying to put across. And I never wrote my thoughts on it. I guess I should do that too. I think I'm pretty initially dismissive these days. I try to lump lines of thinking into things I've thought of before, and by and large most of the time I find a way to lump a new thing into something thats close. This makes me lose those crucial insights that lie in the difference between what I already know and the new thing. My brain automatically does this through years of practice. I need to be more vigilant in carefully considering everything with no biases and no assumption that I already know what it is.

I think my dad was a lucky genetic freak in our family tree. I'm reverting to the expected outcome of my gene pool. My cousins are doing okay but not that well. Compared to other smart people, who have much stronger family lineups. The more research is done, the more people realize how hereditary most things are. I am a weird concoction, and so are most people. And we will never fully know the wonders of each others' mixes. I'm thinking it's likely that I'm part of the last human generation, mostly because of AI. I am deathly scared and think about what an AI singularity scenario will look like, but it's hard to predict. There will be nowhere to run, we will just be ants. Hopefully we will be useful to our new overlords. Maybe they will care about us and treat us humanely. Humanely is such a weird term, treating non-humans humanely is a good thing right!

I had something else I wanted to write. Oh yea pretending to be happy is hard. And it's a vicious cycle. I'm less valuable in every way if I present as unhappy. Sorry everyone.

[darkpoisonouslove]

I'll put it under a cut because it got longer than I anticipated:

I wasn't really expecting to enjoy it either. Neither the book, nor the show. But the book was available in my local library and I thought I'd check it out because I like murder mysteries. I found myself loving the main cast. Everyone else isn't really written that well. To answer your question, no, the book covers season 1 but the show has made changes. There's a sequel that I haven't read yet but as far as I can tell, the show's season 2 doesn't really resemble the sequel, which focuses on Maeve and 3 new characters.

I am so mad that they canceled it! I really liked it! It took me months to finish it as well because I binged season 1 and then I was apprehensive about season 2 as I didn't know there was a second book and just assumed that they took the characters and ran with them (which they did do anyway). But then I watched it and season 2 was just as good only for the fact that it's cancelled to hit me in the face. I was deeply sad and frustrated because of that cliffhanger. I bet season 3 would have been amazing if they'd made it. RIP OoUIL.

Yes, the supporting cast isn't fleshed out at all in the books. Simon and Vanessa in particular are very two-dimensional in the book so I was floored to see how much the show has done for them. The ending of the book is a little different tbh but I'm not gonna spoil it for you. That said, I did correctly predict what happened during their detention. Tbh for a book called "One of Us Is Lying" it makes it pretty clear very early on that none of our main 4 characters are lying, which was somewhat disappointing because you know they haven't done anything so it kind of makes the mystery easier to solve. The show fixed that by making them all engage in actually shady behavior and that is one of the changes I liked. The show is smarter and I don't really think I knew what to expect from season 2 so I can't say I had that figured out. The one thing that I most disliked about the show is that there wasn't even a mention of Addy's sister, who is kind of a major player in the books. I really liked their relationship so I was sad to see it go but Addy and Janae in the show kind of make up for it (their friendship isn't as explored in the book).

My favorite character in the show is definitely Addy. I didn't expect to like her as much but I do. I remember less about the book but I liked her there too. The biggest standout from the book for me was Nate and Bronwyn's relationship. It's somewhat different than it is on the show and there's a lot of focus on it and on how they have many touching points despite being opposites. I thought that part really worked and the author has done a really good job exploring how high expectations put a lot of pressure on you just the same as everyone always expecting the worst from you. When Nate and Bronwyn's worlds collide, you can really see the deep understanding between them despite how polar their lives and personalities seem to be and that captivated me. They also have genuinely cute moments, which they do in the show as well but the book just spends more time with them and puts more emphasis on how complementary their struggles are. I'm a sucker for characters being reflections of each other! Tbh I think that in the book Nate was my favorite character and it's not that I don't like him in the show but I know Addy was my fave there. Maeve and Janae I liked a lot more in the show because it does more with them. Bronwyn I didn't love in the show initially because I felt like the actress was a little wooden but that definitely got better! I like her; she's just not my favorite. I hated Jake in the book and even more so in the show.

Ooh, you watched One of Us Is Lying! I love that show! I read the book last year and I thought it was pretty good but then I watched the show and while I don't like some of the changes they made, I think the show is actually much, much better! It treats all the characters as people, not just our 4 main characters. It was definitely a big surprise and I'm glad to see you've enjoyed it too!

Yes!! Just finished it last week after watching it over a few months! I wasn't expecting to enjoy it half as much as I did, but the mystery each season really kept me on my toes! It was so hard to keep from binging it. Definitely gonna check the book series out! Do you know if the book series continues from the shows s2 cliffhanger? That finale was incredible, but the cliffhanger to finding out it was cancelled!! It's a shame the characters aren't as fleshed out in the books. I loved how the show got me to like characters I initially didn't. I'll probably have to mix book canon with tv show canon where possible.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I gotta know, who were your favourite characters/ships and what were your favourite parts? Did you guess the murderer in s1 and/or in s2?

[princeresnikov]

it's in my nature {Tangerine} // 4

four. tangerine: ego death at the venn diagram intersection.

Chapter Summary: it appears hard to convince The Son of the severity of their situation, though he just seems worried that their concerned about the wrong thing. because everyone knows about the woman who lost her arm for a late payment, but The White Death is capable of far more cruelty when he truly cares about the payload. and The Son proves himself to be far more observant and cruel when it comes to making sure his bodyguards are focused.

{ Masterlist }

A/N: 4509 words. i know this took a while but we're finally at part 4!! we get a lot of shit happening here, some implications, some accusations, as well as a whole flashback to New York!! the book is very liberal with it's flashbacks so we get one here. writing Tangerine's POV is sometimes a bit of a struggle characterisation-wise, considering everything that he has learned in literally five minutes, so please let me know if there's anything i could be doing differently/better, i love suggestions and i love feedback. have fun!!

Warnings: Don't be surprised when the OC is a terrible person and is implied to have done terrible things along with the rest of them. There will be smut in the future chapters.

Chapter Warnings: Discussion of how The White Death takes fingers as punishment, but a little more extreme than in the movie. impied smut at the end but its not explicit.

Taglist: @venusthepirate @malar-region @tangerinesgf @esmaada @sarcastic-sourwolf @djjskfkskjf @justshutupmars @somikesoc @chachadelight @andydre4m @evangelineflowers @darkchai @basementsoup @bellatrix124 @kunikidaswhore @thewinterschildren178 @felhomaly @perksofbeingamultifandomm @aniglio18 @geeiz @mimidior @justicex101 @ltlthetrifecta @salsasadd @tongerines

[ always open, just message or comment! ]

----

Lemon would probably call her a Diesel, and he'd be bloody well right to, Tangerine catches himself thinking with a scowl. The world outside slips by in the darkness, nothing more than scattered lines of light, disorientating anyone who tried to keep up, like Tangerine with his thoughts in this moment.

"My father hired the two of you," The Son's implied question of 'instead of her?' rang out infuriatingly clear. The audacity this kid has to look at his designated guards with disdain of all things, after everything they went through to make sure he was safe was almost enough to tip Tangerine over the edge and smack him after the series of revelations he'd just endured. But he's not. I'm not going to smack the son of The White Death; he wasn't the kind of person who had personal mantras, but this one was sounding pretty good right now.

"Yeah he did; your daddy hired us to get you out of the trouble you got yourself into, naughty, little frog," Tangerine's tone turns infuriatingly chipper, using the only non-violent way he can think of right now to get under The Son's skin. It clearly works, judging by the venomous look that's now being focused on him, "and we've all heard what tight a leash he keeps Miss Clementine on," there's something malevolent in his voice that he doesn't fight to hide, leaning in to make sure the other passengers can't hear his disparaging anger, "so I think if he wanted her on your case, he wouldn't have hired us." 

There's definitely more to read into this if he wanted to think about the implications of it all for even a few seconds, but he did not have the time or mental energy in this moment to spiral like that. Sitting up again, he finds once more that The Son's practiced flat expression irks him more than he ever wants to let on, like he's subconsciously hoping for a reaction, for proof that he holds even some power over this asshole.

"Is that why Tangerine?" This, the smugness, the look in his eyes like he's evaluating Tangerine across the table, this is worse than no reaction, even if Tangerine doesn't quite understand what he's asking or implying.

"What?" 

"If I were you," The Son shifts forward, oozing unwarranted condescension, "I wouldn't keep Tangerine knowing Clementine was alive." The mocking implication calls back to the stupid argument about whether or not Tangerine feels guilty about New York, which is a bloody moot point now all things considered, and the rest is nothing but an inaccurate guess meant to rile him up. I'm not going to take the bait, I'm not going to smack The Son, with each careful, controlled breath.

"Now seeing as the decisions you've made lead you to a place where you were able to be kidnapped as ransom bait by the Triad, despite you assumedly - well I bloody hope - knowing who your extremely psychotic, fucked up father is," Tangerine knows he's smiling by technicality only, to keep the surrounding passengers unaware of his sharply mounting frustration, "so I'm going to ignore your suggestion, considering, one;" holding up his hand with one extended finger for emphasis, "'s been my name for five years, and two," his smile grows wider, his tone grows brighter, the anger in his eyes still remains, "the decisions I've made are why we were hired by your dear, old dad, and why despite leaving seventeen dead bodies behind, you made it out with only a couple of scratches."

Finally a reaction from The Son, now petulantly scowling out the window, but thankfully keeping his mouth shut. It was enough to satisfy Tangerine's building frustration, letting himself breathe for a moment, ease the tense set of his shoulders, gazing back and forth down the aisle, refocusing, reassessing their carriage and their situation. No immediate threats. No Clementine. Relative peace, at least for a moment -

"Actually, it's sixteen." 

"What's that now?"

The second Lemon tries to correct him, there's that pesky twitch of his eyelid that he can't seem to repress no matter how hard he tries. No, it was seventeen. Seriously, how does he not remember all seventeen? Sure it's been a long day, they haven't exactly had much time to rest, and things have taken several turns for the unexpected, but - 

Christ. They're going through them, all seventeen. Each kill lines up in their memory as far as it seems, the order, the precision, the visceral feeling in close quarters. Memories fresh enough that he can almost smell the iron-rich blood splattered amongst the fish, neither brother is squeamish about taking pride in their work. But Lemon forgets the civilian. The one who exploded.

"Shit," as if it was so easy to remember once reminded, as if were so easy to forget in the first place, "that wasn't our fault," he adds, reiterating it to The Son beside him almost immediately, dodging any kind of accountability before he could even consider it.

"No? Well what would Thomas the Tank Engine say, Lemon?" Tangerine had no such need to avoid the truth of the matter; if he didn't acknowledge it, he wouldn't be able to learn from it, at least that's what he tells himself.

"That's really mean," Lemon had never liked how Tangerine would pick and choose when to indulge him in his interests, as it was more often than not used against him. Tangerine, however, was tired of having to use a children's animation to get through to his brother half the time. 

"He'd say 'take responsibility, mate'," case and point; Tangerine's mocking impression of the cartoon train does it's job of ruffling his brother's feathers, who's already defending the cartoon to The Son, as if he cared, as if that were the most important part of this all.

"He doesn't sound like that." 

Tangerine makes a mocking train horn noise. Okay, that bit was just to be an asshole.

Lemon chalks it up to compartmentalisation, quick to imply that Tangerine's insistent need to take on the responsibility of their collateral damage might be making him more volatile. There it is again, Tangerine's 'fixation' as Lemon calls it, on collateral damage, the implication of guilt. They could bicker in circles forever if they tried, Tangerine is sure of it, both knowing each other too well to ever have the upper hand for too long. Tangerine calls him childish for wanting to ignore an unavoidable part of their job that could be learned from as a profession, right up until Lemon crosses his arms and snaps -

"What'd you learn from Clementine then?"

"Clementine's clearly fucking different, don't do that -"

"She wasn't. Until today, she was collateral damage like all the rest of them -"

"Hey listen," The Son interrupts their argument with a mumble and an attempt to get up, "I'm just gonna get off at the next stop."

"Oh let's have a seat then," Lemon, beside him, eases him back into his seat without leaving any room for argument. However visibly annoyed The Son may be, he still sat, still was able to acknowledge when he was outmatched.

"You know that they call your papushka, little frog?" Tangerine can definitely see why Clementine used this nickname like a weapon; there was something so pleasing about seeing the exact grimace The Son makes every time he hears it.

"Fuck you," under his breath in Russian, like he thinks they won't understand it, then, quieter, "of course fucking I do -"

"The White Death," Lemon interjects pointedly, "not exactly a fruit." 

"No," Tangerine agreed, carefully fidgeting with a zip tie he'd fished from his pocket, both for something to do with his hands, and to keep The Son's attention off of Lemon securing his free hand to the other arm of the chair, "there's a story - stop me if you've heard it," he continues, keeping his tone light despite his words, "where this woman found herself in the unfortunate position of owing your father a tidy sum of money," of course The Son looks almost bored by the story, but Tangerine forges on ahead; even if The Son didn't take his father seriously, he needed to know that The Twins certainly did, "now the issue was it took her some time to acquire this money, but," he smiles sharply at The Son, "she did pay it back, five minutes late, didn't she?"

"Yeah, what'd he do?" Lemon, somehow unfamiliar with the story, asks. At least The Son seemed to be paying enough attention to know the story and how it ends. 

"Cut her arm off."

"Fuckin' hell!" Lemon sat up straight, wearing a look that fell somewhere between shock and horror. Hopefully he'd treat the assignment with more of the severity it deserves now that he apparently understands the full stakes.

"Yeah, said she owed him a finger for every minute," Tangerine explained, which did very little to improve his brother's current state, so he thought to clarify, "yeah, well, he's not a monster, he didn't make her sit through it five times, he just cut once, didn't he?" Immediately Lemon tightens the zip tie around the Son's wrist, securing him in place firmly, barely an ounce of wiggle room. "So our job is to keep you safe," Tangerine continues to his now properly captive audience blithely, "and to recover the briefcase with the ransom money inside-"

"You shouldn't worry about losing your hand," The Son tells him with almost the hint of a warning in his voice. Still, he tries to tug his arm free. It doesn't budge. So while Tangerine is about to say that he isn't, so long as The Son stayed put and didn't wander off, The Son, now cornered like an animal, doesn't give him the chance before feeling the need to lash out, "because the money didn't matter."

"What?" Lemon voices confusion for both brothers; did The Son not consider that enough motivation for his wellbeing?

"In that story, it's the principle that matters, not the money itself," there's something in his eyes that hadn't been there before, something about how his gaze darts to his hands and between both Lemon and Tangerine, something wild and even a little bit afraid, "my father has money, and actions have consequences; borrow from The White Death, you should know to expect serious repercussions if it is not paid back in time." It's different from his earlier paranoia, that had been veiled with arrogance; it finally felt like the reality of his situation had hit him, "I've seen it before, cruel on paper, but it's a routine punishment; it's why he takes them all at once," Tangerine thinks he saw a flash of this intensity in The Son's eyes when Clementine first called him a frog, but The Brothers let him speak, if only because it was refreshing to see him giving a shit about their mission, "but you speak like you think I also don't matter; talk all the shit you want, I am still The White Death's son." 

"It's fucked up, we're acknowledging that, but that's why you can't just hop off and wander 'round the city on your own," Tangerine, unsure of where this was all going considering he thought his own story was pretty well motivating for them all, crosses his arms expectantly.

"You should hope I simply arrive late and you lose a hand than what would happen if I do not arrive at all, because I have a story - stop me if you've heard it before -" he mocks Tangerine from just moments ago, glowering at him, projecting frustration to veil his fear, "the first and last time my father's precious, favourite associate failed him with something much more valuable than money," there's resentment in the way his lip curls into a sneer of disgust, the malice he spits the recollection, "because her unforeseeable, unavoidable failure was still failure. So he made an example, gave her an audience; four fingers were taken, but he made her take them herself, one at a time." As the memory settles over him, some of the frantic energy seems to leave The Son, who sits back in his chair.

"What the fuck," Lemon muttered under his breath, clearly sharing his brother's sentiment, "he made her cut off four of her own fingers?" Every new thing Tangerine learns about The White Death has him regretting taking this job on, because now that he'd heard it, Tangerine realises he did know the story, though he never believed it. It was like a myth, something too cruel to come to pass, something he assumed most would rather die before they endured as a spectacle.

"He told her he would kill her if she complained, so she didn't, ever again," expression drawn, the kid couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with either brother, looking instead at the tabletop in front of him, "it was an effective lesson for someone too useful to kill, and he likes her far more than he likes either of you."

"What did he care so much about that it was worth that kind of torment for the unlucky bastard who failed?" Tangerine frowned. Something about The Son's demeanour was clearly off, as if he hadn't anticipated being so shaken by his own recollection of the events. When he looks to Tangerine, his gaze is guarded again, bordering on hostility. 

"My mother," with The Son's harsh words came a sinking sensation in Tangerine's chest as he reads into the implications. There's the horror that comes when he considers the mother's bodyguard's 'failure' had simply been surviving the drunk driving collision that killed her client, "so even with my father's money," The Son looked back out the darkened window, as if trying to re-establish his aloof air from before, "you should know that your chances of leaving intact lower with each moment The Scorpion and I remain on the same train. You're fucking stupid to let her walk off."

"So we're not only in danger from your crazy ex, but because she's your crazy ex?" Lemon deadpans; he seems perturbed by it all, but not nearly as much as Tangerine had been expecting. It's here Tangerine starts to realise that Lemon may not even be away of the full context, either of the story of The White Death's wife, or The White Death himself. Never been the detail-orientated type for anything other than trains, Tangerine doesn't know why he still expects more, Lemon leans on him for that kind of focus.

"I think this is about the time you clue us in on what exactly the fuck went down between you and Clementine?" Tangerine scowled, trying to move on from the story and into comparatively less distressing topics.

"You honestly believe she's a real threat to you?" Lemon adds, just as sick of the clear doubts The Son kept voicing about them.

"As if that's any of your fucking business," the prick sits back, clearly feeling defensive all of a sudden.

"Considering it's kind of come down to kill-or-be-killed because of it, I think it's definitely worth knowing why she's so passionate about offing you," Tangerine refuses to back down, wearing a mean little smile as he needles the kid across from him. It takes an excruciatingly long time for The Son to finally find his voice again, refusing to relent on his defensiveness. 

"Like The White Death, it takes very little for The Scorpion to justify her own violence," he says very carefully, deliberating about each word he spoke, "what I had to offer her would never be enough and so she felt disrespected," it practically curdles on his tongue, whole expression turning nasty, "do not underestimate her capacity for cruelty just to prove a point. She could have left New York quietly but she orchestrated her own violent death in front of you both; she poisons everyone she touches in one way or another, it's in her nature." He sits back, clearly desperate to leave the conversation but bound to this moment against his will.

There are holes in The Son's story that are big enough to be craters, his victim mentality neon and obvious enough that Tangerine kind of wants to reiterate his mocking impression of Thomas from a few minutes ago; take accountability, mate. Because what he's saying and the way he and Clementine had been interacting for only a few minutes clearly indicates he's not nearly as shiny and blameless in their altercation as he wants to imply. Perhaps it's the last of his bias for the Clementine he remembers from New York, but The Son talks about Clementine like she's an unfathomable monster, despite how he clearly once liked her well enough to want her. 

"Oh, I get it now, like that fable," Lemon lights up with understanding, looking to Tangerine, "The Scorpion and The Frog." 

"You poor, little frog," is all Tangerine can say with a derisive shake of his head. Just to make sure they've got all their bases covered, however, he does find himself searching their immediate area for the briefcase of money. The Son may have been his priority, but he still wasn't keen on losing an arm over some money either.

"We'll keep you safe from the big, mean Scorpion," Lemon assures, patting The Son on the arm. As much as he tries to jerk away from the touch, making a face at their mockery, there's very little space for him to go. But The Son's feelings are once again the least of Tangerine's concerns.

"Lemon, where's the briefcase?" Having finally looked everywhere he could think of from his seat twice, Tangerine finally caves and asks his brother, hoping for a simple, pleasant answer despite the discomfort rising in him.

"Oh, I stashed it," Lemon's answer is far too casual for someone who assumedly would also like to end today with all limbs and extremities still firmly attached.

"The case, Lemon," he hisses, leaning forward as his hands are clasped on the table in an effort to mask his frustration, "go get me the fucking case." At least Lemon takes him seriously enough in this moment to stand and see about collecting the case. The minute he's is out of earshot, however, The Son turns on Tangerine.

"He doesn't know you have shit taste in women too, does he?"

Tangerine's blood runs cold.

"Fucking excuse you?" Tangerine tries playing dumb and defensive, but there's nothing teasing nor hesitant in the cold look The Son gives him. Too specific, said with too much confidence; it's not an accusation, it's a fact of which The Son is certain.

Obnoxious bastard, Tangerine is furious to think to himself, immediately followed by how the hell could he be so sure? In the brief few minutes they'd spent with Clementine, he was sure they'd been on the same wavelength considering the situation, both so careful to not even so much as imply a less than platonic history, making only incidental or purposefully discrete contact if any. Nothing had been incriminating in hindsight, Tangerine's hand on her thigh completely hidden, perhaps even something of a power play given the situation, an attempt to keep her in line, like his touch would remind her what he was capable of. It had worked; if nothing else it had worked to keep her from making a scene, but that left only one conclusion to be drawn. Because The Son had seen in minutes what Tangerine can tell Lemon has always been oblivious to. Despite all the half-truths and obvious contempt he now held for her, The Son knew Clementine better than either of them would ever let on, and it had left Tangerine compromised.

Fuck.

"You're a liability," The Son continues maliciously, like Tangerine's inner monologue was shouting loud enough to hear, "to my father, to your partner;" he doesn't pull his punches, "Clementine preys on weak links."

"Suppose that's why she got with you in the first place, huh frog boy?" Even Tangerine's biting use of the nickname doesn't seem to faze The Son in this moment. I'm not going to smack The White Death's son.

"Your denial makes you a fucking idiot," he spits in response, "how have you not realised you were set up?"

"If this is a little test from your daddy dear, Lemon and I are more than up to the challenge."

"New. York." The Son overemphasises his words as if speaking to a child, but the beginnings of a realisation flicker to life in the back of Tangerine's mind. New York; the month with Clementine, she died in front of them, she's actually alive and here and is actually a deadly operative. Three thoughts he knew revolved around each other, but part of him didn't want to think about connecting just yet. 

"It has a name," The Son continues when all the reaction Tangerine gives is to frown, "I can't recall, but my father liked to give these contracts to Clementine. Delicate matters; thieving, killing, blackmail, all sorts of variations with one commonality that made Clementine especially effective," he's dancing around the idea by now, waiting to see how long it takes for the dots to connect, "sweet-something, I think. Like honey."

"A honeypot?" Tangerine deadpans. It hasn't quite clicked yet; denial is a hell of a drug, "you think Clementine was running a honeypot while we were all in New York? What, on our target? I highly doubt it; The Scorpion kills her competition, always has, everyone knows that." 

For a very long moment The Son gives Tangerine a calculating look, eyes narrow and disparaging. Whatever it is he may be looking for in Tangerine, he seems to come up with something he doesn't like. When he smiles, however, it's cold and cruel.

"So you think Clementine fucked you in New York because she loved you?"

Because there's the obvious answer; no, fucking of course not. Because they knew each other for a month, and it was never anything serious, and the hurt- the anger is easily justifiable given the context. There's the scathing 'is that what you believed? Is that why you're like this?' but even in his mind it sounds too defensive, too much at an attempt to deflect. He won't lash out, it's too telling, he's better than that. So he also finds himself considering; no it wasn't bloody love, but frankly I've never been able to explain why I gave a shit about her, since I can't say that for many people who aren't my brother, and to find out that it was all by some malicious design is taking some time to sink in.

Tangerine's expression is carefully neutral, refusing to give any sort of reaction to the question despite how close he was internally to strangling The Son himself. 

And then there's the truth. The ego-shattering truth. If he'd never seen her again, Tangerine knows he would have gone to his grave believing in everything Clementine had said and done in New York. 

It had felt like Clementine would have done anything he asked, which, in hindsight, makes Tangerine feel sick to his stomach. His ego had soaked up her attention, her praise, her willingness to fall into bed with him without asking questions about the blood stain on his shoes. The way she'd looked at him, eager to please, always ready to help him the moment he walked into the hotel and spotted him from the front desk, she was charmingly innocent, full of puppy love and useful information; he'd taken advantage of one to get the other. Leading her on was merely resource management, testing how useful she could be; information was one thing, but Tangerine was nothing if not resourceful.

It only takes a week for him to be sure, the first week of a month-long delicate operation. The fight wasn't part of that operation, the fight was a point of pride at a local pub that wasn't any real threat beyond some superficial wounds. Still, the pretty hostess whose been unexpectedly warm and eager to accommodate him looked concerned as he'd made a frustrated beeline for the elevator, looking markedly more dishevelled than when he'd left that afternoon.

"If there's anything you need, sir, please let us know!" She'd called, while he'd thrown her a tight smile, stepping into the elevator and rapidly jabbing at the button for his floor.

But fine, he'd reasoned upon getting back to his infuriatingly mild hotel room and poorly stocked medical kit, he calls the front desk. If he's making choices to suit his own pride and ego today, he could start on properly securing an informant. 

Clementine had her own medical supplies and a steady hand. Clementine never took off her gloves because she claimed her prosthetics were cold to the touch without them. Clementine's laugh was as bright and refreshing as her namesake. Clementine had blushed when she admitted to wearing nice underwear since she'd first seen him in the hotel as a form of wishful thinking. Clementine had been pliant and willing beneath him, and Tangerine, who spent his whole life taking orders and making sure his partner's needs were seen to, if only to keep up his reputation, had finally felt as if he'd met someone whose joy came from pleasing his every desire. It had been unfamiliar, but not unpleasant.

In the end, Tangerine had been happy as the bad guy in Clementine's story, the bastard who lead her on, manipulated her, used her, and gotten her killed, it was a role he was comfortable in at the end of the day. It had been safer. She hadn't been a loose end. He didn't have to think about if she had survived and he had just left --

Yes, he would have thought she fucked him in New York because she loved him, but that was the point! That was always the fucking point! The distrust weaving through his memories grows thorns. He need to stop thinking about it; The Son, across the table, can probably see in his eyes that he's gone to New York, just as Lemon had pointed out before. He hates the look in that bastard's eyes; Tangerine's thoughts are a mess, growing traitorous, jealous teeth when he thinks too hard about The Son and his questions and his fucking history with Clementine.

The truth really did make him feel like a liability. 

And he has no real answer.

When the phone goes off it feels like an actual godsend. Thank fuck. Thoughts on more immediate, less loaded things. 

Unknown caller; undoubtably one of The White Death's associates checking in, making sure everything was under control. All things considered, The Son was secured in his seat, Lemon would be back with the case in a moment, and Tangerine was optimistic that he and his brother were more than capable of stopping Clementine if she did end up trying anything. 

Tangerine answer the phone. It's an excuse to get up, get even a few feet away from The Son even just for a few moments. If he ever sees that smug, knowing look on that bastard's face again, it'll be too soon.

[jungleslang]

So everyone's been talking about Azriel's shadows and how they seem to dance around Gwyn, but disappear around Elain. People seem to think his shadows disappearing around Elain is a bad thing, but I don't think so. I know I'm a little late, but I figured I'd still join the club and add my own thoughts to this debate by creating yet another compilation.

Now, before we talk about what it means that Az's shadows disappear around Elain, we need to talk about what it means when Az's shadows are present, or when they are swarming around him, as they often do in the books.

This is the very first time we see Azriel's shadows "wreathing" him in the series. Amren makes a comment about how violent the Illyrians are, which we know is a major source of discomfort/hatred for Az. Her comment causes his shadows to flock to him. This indicates that Azriel's shadows appear when he is uncomfortable. And here are some more instances of this happening.

In all of these scenes, we can see Azriel's shadows coming out to swarm him when he is uncomfortable. In the first one, Cassian makes a comment about their younger days that embarrasses Az, but when Mor defends him, he relaxes and the shadows disappear. In the second scene, Azriel discusses his childhood and the fact that he learned to fly much later than his brothers, which is clearly also a source of pain and discomfort for him. The last scene happens in ACOWAR when the IC gets into that fight about Rhys working with Eris and them going to the prison to recruit the Bone Carver behind Amren's back. Azriel uses his shadows to try and hide and distance himself from the situation.

Now the fact that Az's shadows come out when he is uncomfortable demonstrates that his shadows also serve the purpose of protecting him from emotions that he does not want to feel. We can see this from the scenes where Azriel's shadows coil around him when he sees Mor and Cassian together.

Feyre specifically says that it seems like Azriel's shadows are shielding him. Shielding him from what he feels when he sees Mor and Cassian together, walking off without him. Then there's this scene with Helion.

Yet another instance of Az's shadows protecting him from how feels about the thought of Mor with someone else. In addition to protecting him from emotions that he doesn't want to deal with, Azriel's shadows also seem to offer some form of physical protection as well.

This is the scene in ACOWAR where Az pops off on Eris during the meeting with all of the high lords. Feyre says that Az's shadows are hiding him from "the wrath of the binding magic" that was supposed to prevent people from engaging in a physical fignt. This implies that his shadows can provide other forms of protection as well besides emotional protection. There are also various instances in the series where Az's shadows are referred to as shields / described as shielding him, but I can't add them all as I don't have the space, and it isn't really necessary.

The last scene with Az fighting Eris also specifically uses the word "hid," which brings up another important function of Az's shadows. Azriel uses them not only as protection from having to feel emotions he'd rather push away, but also to hide his emotions from other people. I'm pretty sure all Elriel shippers know that scene from ACOFAS where Rhys is questioning Az about why he doesn't keep track of Lucien's movements, and Rhys himself says that Azriel's shadows are wrapped too tighty around him, thus hiding his emotions far too well for Rhys to be able to get a read on him.

We all also know that Az's shadows tend to swarm around him when he's pissed off, like in that scene where he finds out that Elain has been kidnapped and his eyes glow golden.

The point here is that Azriel's shadows being present is pretty much never framed as a good thing in this series. Now, I'm not saying that his shadows dancing around Gwyn is necessarily a bad thing, but we have to keep in mind that Azriel's shadows suddenly appearing hardly, if ever, indicates anything good. On the flip side, Az's shadows brightening is usually framed as a positive thing. However, Gwynriel shippers are right about Az's shadows providing him comfort.

In these two scenes, Azriel is seen taking comfort in the shadows, and they are described as his sanctuary. But we have to ask, sanctuary from what? And from what I discussed above, it's clear they're a sanctuary from the emotions of the real world, which is not necessarily always a good thing. Azriel's shadows represent his safe space / comfort zone, but sometimes it's necessary that we step out of our comfort zones, which is something I think Az needs to do. He has A LOT of shit he needs to deal with (SJM said herself that he's going through some shit), and he's not gonna be able to deal with it while hiding safely within his shadows. There's nothing comfortable about facing your problems.

So, what does all of this say about the fact that his shadows disappear around Elain? Since his shadows appear when he is uncomfortable, this indicates that Elain makes him feel comfortable. Since his shadows appear to protect him, this indicates that he does not believe Elain is someone he needs to be protected from. Since his shadows appear when he wants to hide, this indicates that he does not feel the need to hide from Elain. When Elain is around, he does not need his shadows to be his companion because she is his companion. He doesn't need his shadows to act as a safe space because she is his safe space.

It is also important to note that Az is not doing this on purpose. Some people are saying that he's purposely hiding his shadows from her when he's actually not. And we know this is the case because Az is indeed capable of forcing his shadows to vanish, as when he first meets Elain and Nesta, Feyre comments on how both Rhys and Az had dimmed their shadows. But it's been established that Az's shadows sometimes act on their own. They are a part of him in a way, but they are also separate from him, which is also indicted by the fact he wasn't born with them. There is a clear difference in the books between Az's shadows lightening on their own and him purposely making them disappear. They are two different things, which I think is telling.

And now, I've saved what I think is the most important part for last.

I have never seen anyone talk about this, and maybe I'm reaching, but I think that this scene is important. This is when Az is teaching Feyre how to fly. Feyre implies that Az seems the most human when his shadows are gone, and she describes his face as stark and clear. I find it interesting that the world "clear" was used. Clear has many different definitions, including open, transparent, liberate, free from uncertainty, and cloudless/bright. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like this is important because Az definitely needs to be more clear/open about a lot of things in his life. I don't think he needs to be rid of his shadows or anything, but he definitely needs to stop using them as a crutch, as a way to hide, and as place to retreat to when he doesn't want to face his feelings.

Okay this ended up being longer than I anticipated, and if you managed to read this whole clusterfuck, thank you. I would love to hear what you guys think, or if there's anything you guys would like to add 💙🌺

[mrdarcysdadbod]

My wife made the EXACT Johnny Walker joke about his walking towards Lizzie and the Gardiners at Pemberly lmao

And yeah I think the 1980 actually does the best job I've seen of capturing the book comprehensively, not only in terms of "are all the lines there" but also a lot of the details. It definitely has my favorite take on most of the secondary characters. I didn't talk about Mr. Collins but this one felt the most Mr. Collinsish to me, officious and overbearing but fundamentally just in love with his own voice. His relationship with Charlotte also hit a lot closer to the mark in my opinion - I felt her less as "desperate enough to put up with anything" and more in line with her book incarnation of "recognizes a fixer upper and is willing to commit to making her marriage something she can live with."

Speaking of other people's marriages, I think the 1980 grasped perfectly the role of the Gardiners', the Collinses', and the Bennets' marriages in contrasting against one another to triangulate an idea of a good marriage. Especially the way it was willing to actually confront the dysfunction of the Bennets, and point out that Mr. Bennet belittles and disrespects his wife constantly for things that he could've helped her improve, and Mrs. Bennet needles and nags without listening to anyone including her husband, and it's clear how years and years of that have entrenched it beyond repair. Compared against the Gardiners, who enjoy each other's company and engage in conversation and an exchange of ideas, or even the Collinses, where it's clear Charlotte doesn't think precisely the world of her husband but is willing to bear the irritations because she knows that she chose this and chose it for a reason. I honestly think the habit many adaptations have of whitewashing of the ugliness of the Bennet marriage (and Lizzie's acute awareness of her parents' failures therein) detracts a lot from the nuance of the Lizzie-Charlotte-Collins situation, but the 1980 nails it. Charlotte, who's smart and resourceful and socially aware and above all practical, looks at Collins and sees a situation she can handle or at least live with, whereas Lizzie, because of her family, sees a miserable repeat of her parents' own miserable marriage. Foregrounding familial disharmony highlights why it's so important to Lizzie that she respect her husband, in a very human and vulnerable way.

I'm pretty forgiving of awkward letter scenes specifically, because it's truly a lose-lose-lose situation in terms of putting them onscreen but you can't cut the letters either! Personally 1980 actually gets a lot of points from me because I loved that they had Caroline reading her letter aloud to Louisa to see how it sounded, and I thought that was innovative.

I really wish David Rintoul had worked for me in this series. It's frustrating because I think he's pretty much a picture perfect Darcy in terms of looks, bearing, and affectation, but while I could definitely see places here and there where he was doing a micro expression or emoting a little (the Lydia and Wickham revelation comes to mind, he did a great job with the thousand yard stare there) for the most part he just read too flat to me, and his delivery was too fast. I can tell that he's a good actor, I can practically smell the Royal Shakespeare Company on him, but I don't know whether it was bad direction or just a bad acting choice, it doesn't quite make it for me, especially when he's in scenes alone with Elizabeth and not only is she so lively and expressive by comparison, but I as an Austen person expect him to relax and brighten and change demeanor around her, compared to, say, the Netherfield party (where Rintoul does shine as the straight man among the Bingleys cheerfulness). I think the fact that he's almost really good makes him a little worse to me. But maybe I'll acquire the taste on rewatch!

Anyway I can't remember if I already said it but the 1980 has hands down the best screenwriting of any pride and prejudice I've seen, even if the direction and acting can sometimes be hit or miss. Either way, to me the 1980 will always be famous for the Aquatic Life Hat.

Found out the 1980 bbc pride and prejudice is on one of the free channels on my tv so since I'm still sick I'll be watching that for the next few days. Exciting!

[blueeyedheizer]

avoid - michael gray

WARNINGS: mentions of death, pregnancy

A/N: not sure if I like this or not lol, also it's not really proofread (actually yes i've proofread it about 50 times but my brain is barely functioning sksjdjdb) aaaand I still don't know how to end my fics

•••

You felt like you were living with a ticking time bomb waiting to blow off. You weren't sure what had caused Michael to be so cold and distant with you today but you knew that if it had anything to do with work, it was better to let him deal with it on his own. He had never been violent towards you —and you knew he would never be— but the idea of him raising his voice at you still made you nervous.

It all started this morning when he got up at about 5 to answer a call and didn't get back to bed after that. Instead he got dressed and left without a word, leaving you alone until he came back in the afternoon. You had figured Tommy must have needed him to take care of something important, but as the day went by and he was still in a mood it was getting clear that it had nothing to do with business.

"My mom wants to pay us a visit next week." you speak hesitantly as Michael walks through the door. He quickly walks past you, whispering a small "alright" on his way.

"She said she has a surprise for us. Probably has to do with the baby." you try to smile but he avoids your gaze. He only nods before grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl and leaving the room silently. Your watch him walk away with concern, the worst thoughts starting to occupy your mind.

Was he seeing someone else? Was he planning on breaking up with you?

You glanced down at your growing bump and shook your head before going back to the dishes, trying not to overthink the situation.

But soon enough, you grew tired of the deafening silence in the house and the lack of company. Michael was definitely avoiding you, staying in his office while you sat alone in the living room, trying to read a book to ease your nerves. With a sigh you closed your book and placed it on the couch next to you before making your way over to your husband's office, determined to get answers.

You didn't even bother to knock before bursting in, causing Michael's head to shoot up and his hand to instinctively reach for the drawer where his gun was safely tucked. He relaxed and leaned back on his chair when he saw you then ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily.

"What is it, Y/N?"

"What is it?" you scoff. "You've been avoiding me all day, I want to know why." you crossed your arms over your chest, leaning against the doorframe as you waited for an answer.

"I'm not avoiding you." he spoke lowly, as if already annoyed by your presence.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you locked in your office on a sunday, not bothering to speak to me and brushing me off like I'm some stranger you don't want to cross path with?" he doesn't answer and keeps sifting through his papers and writing things down. "Michael, Im talking to you!" you raised your voice.

"Fucking hell Y/N, just leave me alone! You’ve been here all day trying to get me to talk when I clearly don't fucking want to talk to you! You really can't take a hint, can you? Just get the fuck out of here!” he suddenly yells as his first collides with the desk, making you flinch. Your body tenses and the room fills with a heavy silence as you stare at each other, his eyes hard and cold while your own fill with tears, trying hard not to let them slip. You were already a pretty emotional person, but your pregnancy made it all worse so it was obvious you'd start tearing up at the slightest confrontation. After a moment he rips his gaze away from yours and you open your mouth before closing it again. Your heart is beating fast in your chest and you can almost feel a wave of nausea.

"I'm just trying to help, Michael." you murmur, voice shaking.

"Well I don't need your help!"

After a few seconds you walk out of the room, closing the door behind you and allowing yourself to sob.

You hear a few muffled curse words coming from the office as you make your way back into the living room, soon followed by the sound of the door opening.

"Fuck, Y/N, wait!" Michael suddenly calls out, storming out of the room and running after you. Before you knew it his arms are wrapped around your waist from behind, his thumb tracing circles over your belly as he holds you close. You don't try to push him away but you sob into your hands in shame of not being able to control yourself around him, your hormones getting the best of you.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. Fuck, I didn't mean any of this." he spoke softly, in complete contrast with his previous outburst. He holds you and waits for your sobs to die down, occasionally pressing kisses on your cheeks and neck while his hand rubs your belly in a soothing manner. "I'm sorry, love. I love you so much." he chokes on his words as tears escape his eyes as well.

You try to focus on your breathing and control your sobs as you wipe your tears, holding your arms close to yourself while looking down.

"We're having a baby, Michael." you remind him. "You can't keep everything to yourself and just let me sit and watch when you're going through something. You can't just avoid me like the fucking plague whenever you're upset. Not anymore." you manage to say, a few hiccups cutting you mid-sentence as you speak.

"I know baby. I'm so sorry." Michael takes a deep breath before pressing a sweet kiss to your cheek. He's silent for a few more seconds, swinging you back and forth in his arms and letting you calm down before speaking up.

"My foster mom died." he finally admits softly. His arms tighten around you, refusing to let you go in fear that you would leave. Your eyes soften and you reach to rest a hand on his cheek, leaning up to press a small kiss to his jaw.

"I'm sorry." you say softly.

"I shouldn't have left her like I did. I abandoned her when I met the Shelbys and," he sighs. "I don't know. I shouldn't have cut all ties with my foster family so suddenly. Now it's too late and the woman who raised me for most of my life will never get to see my daughter." you stay silent for a moment, trying to think of an answer.

"She knew you loved her. And she also knew the life you had with her was not the life you were meant to live. You were raised as Henry, but deep down you've always been Michael. I'm sure she never blamed you for leaving." you say and he nods. You eventually let go of his embrace and turn around to wrap your arms around his waist, hugging him as properly as you can with your 5 months pregnant belly getting on the way. You both stay silent for a moment, his hand running through your hair soothingly.

"I really wish you'd told me sooner."

"I'm sorry, Y/N, I really am. I know stress is bad for the baby and I didn't want you to worry about me but I ended up doing the exact opposite." you pulled back and kissed him softly, reaching up to wipe a tear from his cheek.

"It's alright. Just promise me you won't keep these kind of things to yourself anymore. I lost my father too, you know. I know what it's like to lose someone you love." Michael nods before kissing you again, letting it linger for a moment before pecking your lips again.

You look up at him with a smile before pulling away to rest your hands on your belly, looking down at your clothed skin which grew more and more with each day.

"She's been kicking a lot lately." you smile.

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm." you nod and watch as he gets down on one knee, lifting your shirt up and kissing your growing skin as your hands rest on your hips. You chuckle at the feeling and place his hand above your belly button, your own resting on top of his, waiting for something to happen. You eventually guide his hand a few inches lower and a huge smile breaks on both your faces when you feel a rather hard kick, quickly followed by a second one a little further away from the first.

With one last kiss to your swollen skin Michael gets back on his feet and cradles your face, pulling you in for a passionate kiss which you gladly return.

"You're going to be the most amazing mom."