#the body dysmorphia and just the general hatred of my body is killing me and I'm so helpless. i so desperately want my sexy body back bc it

[lewishamiltonstuff]

💔

[writinginthesecrettrees]

What Bothers Me About Anon Hate

Or really any hate, but it seems to show up with the grey face & sunglasses more often than not.

Personally, I just block. I figure if I don’t engage, they’ll get bored - and it seems to work. I’m also careful about tagging. I don’t put anything ship-related into general tags. I try to tag my shit with the appropriate ships and warnings for the purpose of blacklisting. And I don’t really get involved in a lot of discourse. It’s just not for me. I like to stay in my happy bubble.

Still, every now and then, someone comes into my inbox with some toxic crap and I want to talk about why it bothers me.

Sometimes, they’re telling people to kill themselves. Sometimes they’re telling me to kill myself. And while that doesn’t get to me I know that it can cause actual harm to others. And I think that that sort of ill-wishing harms the sender as well. Let’s really think about this: Because anon disagrees with the fictional characters someone ships, anon wishes death to them. And often all anon knows about the person is the fiction they consume. Anon doesn’t know if “kill yourself” will roll off like water on a duck or possibly trigger some sort of self-harm. Possibly be the last voice among many that pushes them too far. I would not want that on my soul.

More often, in my experience, anon hate takes the form of insults. Anon calls the person they’re attacking ugly, calls them old, calls them fat. As if by degrading their physical appearance, anon can devalue their target as a person. As if “old” is the worst thing, as if “ugly” is evil, as if “fat” is unworthy of decency. And anon is so, so wrong, and it makes me sad for them.

If “old” is the worst thing anon can imagine, they’re going to have a very rough time as they age. The older I get, the more I appreciate the wisdom my elders tried to impart when I was young. The older I get, the more I appreciate what my elders still have to teach. The older I get the more I know myself, and I’m happier with myself, and I can appreciate and love so much more in humanity then ever before. 

“Ugly” is... kind of non-sensical. Another thing that has come with age (and yes, I’m definitely middle-aged) is a realization that... people are beautiful. And true ugliness... that comes from inside. From causing harm and delighting in it. The physical appearance of poor health or uneven features doesn’t say anything about a person’s soul. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of people I consider ugly, and all I’m coming up with are people like Trump or McConnell, and even that is more about the expressions on their face than the form of their features.

“Fat” is the insult that truly troubles me. Mostly because anon frequently has no way of knowing whether their target is fat, and because fat is so subjective, and because who knows if anon’s target has an eating disorder that could be triggered by that, and also I worry for anon. If “fat” is so awful to anon... I hope they don’t have the sort of body dysmorphia that would lead to an eating disorder. 

Mostly, the thing that bothers me about anon hate is that in my experience, people who devote their energy to hating others are often projecting their own self hatred outwards. And that makes my heart hurt. There are so few people who are truly worthy of that level of hatred. And anon, even with the harm they’re sending out into the world, is not one of them. I have to believe that the sort of person who sends out attacks like that is fairly young, and I just... 

When I get an anonymous hate message, I want to hug them and tell them it’s okay. That life can continue, their world can expand, they can find out how to love themselves and not feel so much anger at the world. And if they’re not as young as I imagine, if they’re closer to my age, or even older, my heart breaks to think that they haven’t found that yet. But I can’t hug them, and I know if I responded and told them this, anon would only try to prove that no, it’s me they hate, so all I can do is block them and hope they reach a point in their life where they look back at these days with regret. 

And this is me letting anon know: I don’t hate you. I forgive you. 

[bran098]

mental (st)illness

We preach about weight loss and disease prevention and other aspects of physical health but we rarely talk about taking care of our mental health.

While it’s generally accepted that we all struggle from time to time, very few like to admit they might struggle more often or to a greater degree than what might be considered the norm. But if no one talks about their struggles, how can we even define a norm?

I’ve always tried to be transparent with my struggles with depression, disordered eating, body dysmorphia, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. It’s because I want others to know they aren’t going through it alone. One of the worst parts of mental illness is how isolating it can be. I’ve often felt that no one could possibly understand my loneliness, fear of people, the compulsion to binge eat, or my deep-seated self-hatred. But I’m not the only one. So many people deal with it every day. And knowing that doesn’t fix the problem but it does take some of the pressure off it. And it makes you feel a little less alone and a little more understood.

And because we don’t like to talk about it, you never know who’s going through something difficult. Money, class, and religious affiliation does not exclude you from depression. Just think of celebrities like Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and Robin Williams.  They have access to the best psychiatric care possible and it didn't help them (assuming they sought treatment). And through the years I’ve learned the people from high school who I thought had it all were in actuality suffering greatly. One classmate killed himself about a year ago and another, arguably one of the most popular girls in my grade, is currently in treatment for severe anorexia. I’ve even talked to people who said they thought I had it together but I’ve always felt like a huge mess.

You just never know what someone is going through in secret. So why do we make it so hard to tell each other? Why do we make it so difficult on ourselves to reach out, to give a helping hand or to ask for one?

I got to a point where I knew something had to change in my life or I just wasn’t going to have one. So I sought counseling. I’ve been in therapy for about a year now and while none of my problems have been magically erased, I do believe it has helped.

One of the best things about it is just knowing I have a safe zone where I can rant, cry, and ask questions without the fear of being judged or shamed. But really that’s something anyone with a good friend can do. And let me tell you, therapy ain’t cheap. So if you do have a good friend with a willing ear, use it. If you’re in a position to go to therapy, use it. If neither of those are an option, research online resources.

I don’t have as many destructive thoughts anymore. I don’t automatically tear myself down when I make a mistake. I’m insecure and I want positive attention and reassurance and companionship. I want to make a difference, feel like my life has meaning. I’m also scared of being left behind, scared I’m not good enough for people, scared to stand up for myself. I can be aloof or distant because I don’t want to be abandoned again. I let others reach out first because I don’t think anyone wants to talk to me and I don’t wanna be a burden. I have high standards and low self-esteem. I love giving advice but can’t take criticism. I’m hard on others and extremely hard on myself. But it’s only because I know we can all do better.

And all those good intentions and bad habits make me human. And I realized there’s a difference between wanting to be better and beating myself up for not being perfect. I’m never going to get it right every time, whether that comes to people, work, or art. But that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of the good things life and people have to offer.

One of the things I’ve learned in therapy is to love myself, something I’m not sure I’ve ever done, something I never even thought I should or could do. But it makes sense. When you don’t love yourself, you allow other people to dictate your actions, your mood, and even your self-worth. But the more you love yourself, the less others have control over you and the more you get to have a say in how you live your life.

We make the easiest things in the world so hard for others. And ourselves. We keep affection at a distance because we don’t want to feel vulnerable. We attack others’ choices because it makes us feel superior. Pain begets pain and, well, that's just not cool. But I get it. I want to lash out at people sometimes too. Not because I want them to hurt like I'm hurting but because a lot of the time I don't think people realize how badly I am hurting.

But I guess that's when we need to take a step back from our own pain to recognize other people's paths. If only we could use our experiences to help guide instead of gun down the hard times of others. Pain isn't a pissing contest. We all have it crappy in one way or another. And as long as we can keep our crap and everyone else's crap in some kind of perspective, it might make things easier on all of us.

[iamandco]

  PHOTO: COURTESY ERIK TANNER FOR ROLLING STONE  Rapper, singer, flutist, and actor, Lizzo is finally getting the recognition that she deserves. She’s not an overnight sensation—though it sometimes feels that way—she’s been on people’s radar since 2013.  This year, her third studio album “Cuz I love You” dropped and every appearance, event, and concert that she’s been involved in—she’s slayed. She even managed to kill it at Coachella despite sound problems. I don’t think there’s anything that Lizzo can’t do. Lizzo isn’t having a moment; she’s proving herself to be the superstar she was always meant to be. Lucky for us, she’s taking us along with her on her journey of self-love and acceptance. The bigger the platform she has, the more opportunities she has to use her voice for change. I wish Lizzo had been around when I was growing up. I wish I had heard her messages of loving yourself and your body, self-acceptance, and female empowerment when I was struggling with myself. Feeling that because I wasn’t what the media thought of as beautiful, I wasn’t worthy. “If you love me, you can love yourself,” Lizzo said when she performed on NPR’s Tiny Desk show. Loving yourself and your body, feeling empowered, and acceptance are her messages . She’s unapologetically sexual which for a larger woman can seem like an act of rebellion and her comfort with her body is inspiring.  Lizzo’s messages are universal. We all need to love ourselves, make peace with our bodies and who we are, and feel that we’re strong, worthy, and beautiful. When we practice self-care , do affirmations, and focus more on the positive rather than the negative aspects of who we are, we can gain confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Words have power, especially ones that help uplift us, support us, and make us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes just reading a spiritual quote can make you have a lighter feeling or thinking about something that someone you admired said can encourage you to keep on moving forward and growing as a person. Here are 25 Lizzo body-positive, self-love, empowerment, and self-care quotes to lift you up and remind you that you’ve only got one life to learn how to love your body and yourself. “ I don’t think that loving yourself is a choice. I think that it’s a decision that has to be made for survival; it was in my case. Loving myself was the result of answering two things: Do you want to live? Cause this is who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life. Or are you gonna just have a life of emptiness, self-hatred and self-loathing? And I chose to live, so I had to accept myself. That’s the first step: Acceptance. And acceptance is hard. I’m still accepting myself every day; I’m still working on it.” — Lizzo “I don’t think that loving yourself is a choice. I think that it’s a decision that has to be made for survival; it was in my case. Loving myself was the result of answering two things: Do you want to live? Cause this is who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life. Or are you gonna just have a life of emptiness, self-hatred and self-loathing? And I chose to live, so I had to accept myself. That's the first step: Acceptance. And acceptance is hard. I'm still accepting myself every day; I'm still working on it.” NBC NEWS “ I just want everyone to remember if you can love me. You can love yourself. Every single day. If you can love my big black at this tiny, tiny little desk, you can love yourself.” — Lizzo “I just want everyone to remember if you can love me. You can love yourself. Every single day. If you can love my big black at this tiny, tiny little desk, you can love yourself.” NPR “ When we’re on stage doing a song about positive body image or another about female empowerment, everyone out there is super into it and right there with us. It’s been awesome. I feel like we fit right in.” — Lizzo “When we’re on stage doing a song about positive body image or another about female empowerment, everyone out there is super into it and right there with us. It’s been awesome. I feel like we fit right in.”Chicago Star Tribune “ I used to say that about girls that were my friends. I’d be like, “Ugh you can’t complain, you’re a size 2 and all the guys like you,” and my friend said, “Don’t you know I have problems too” and we had a huge argument. Three of my friends, we were all crying and yelling and talking about our problems and what we’ve gone through, [like] body dysmorphia.” — Lizzo “I used to say that about girls that were my friends. I’d be like, “Ugh you can’t complain, you’re a size 2 and all the guys like you,” and my friend said, “Don’t you know I have problems too” and we had a huge argument. Three of my friends, we were all crying and yelling and talking about our problems and what we’ve gone through, [like] body dysmorphia.” Junkee “ If you are confident in yourself and however you want yourself to be presented, and you’re doing well and doing it because you want to do it and not because someone is pressuring you, then more power to you.” — Lizzo “If you are confident in yourself and however you want yourself to be presented, and you're doing well and doing it because you want to do it and not because someone is pressuring you, then more power to you.” The Boston Globe “ I believe that because of my own experiences I had to learn that women who are bigger experience the same type of mental oppression that smaller women do. I think that women, in general, are really marginalized and programmed to believe that we aren’t good enough—even the ones that we’re like, “she has everything.” — Lizzo “I believe that because of my own experiences I had to learn that women who are bigger experience the same type of mental oppression that smaller women do. I think that women, in general, are really marginalized and programmed to believe that we aren’t good enough—even the ones that we’re like, “she has everything.”  Junkee “ I think I was, like 21, because that was the worst year of my life thus far: My father passed away, I was homeless, I didn’t have any money, my band was doing really badly, and I was by myself. I hadn’t been eating because I didn’t have money, and I was honestly the smallest physically I’d ever been—and still, that was the worst I’d ever felt about myself. And I remember one day being like, ‘This is it.’ Twenty-some-odd years of me believing that one day I can wake up and be some other girl. It’s like, you’re not gonna wake up and be bigger or smaller or lighter or darker; your hair’s not gonna suddenly grow down past your knees. You’re going to look this way for the rest of your life. And you have to be OK with that.” — Lizzo “I think I was, like 21, because that was the worst year of my life thus far: My father passed away, I was homeless, I didn’t have any money, my band was doing really badly, and I was by myself. I hadn’t been eating because I didn’t have money, and I was honestly the smallest physically I’d ever been—and still, that was the worst I’d ever felt about myself. And I remember one day being like, ‘This is it.’ Twenty-some-odd years of me believing that one day I can wake up and be some other girl. It’s like, you’re not gonna wake up and be bigger or smaller or lighter or darker; your hair’s not gonna suddenly grow down past your knees. You’re going to look this way for the rest of your life. And you have to be OK with that.” NPR      “ Everyone looks to an artist for something more than just the music, and that message of being comfortable in my own skin is number one for me.” “Everyone looks to an artist for something more than just the music, and that message of being comfortable in my own skin is number one for me.” BILLBOARD “ I work on myself daily to be a better person. When I react in a negative way to somebody, I sit back and think about why I did it, so I’m always working on myself, and my music is the same.” — Lizzo “I work on myself daily to be a better person. When I react in a negative way to somebody, I sit back and think about why I did it, so I'm always working on myself, and my music is the same.” DAZED “ But I finally realized that owning up to your vulnerabilities is a form of strength and making the choice to go to therapy is a form of strength. It took years for me to get to that point, but I did it last year for my friends and my family. I didn’t really do it for myself at first, but because I realized what my emotional condition was doing to my relationships. And I wanted to be a better sister and a better daughter, a better boss, and a better friend.” — Lizzo “But I finally realized that owning up to your vulnerabilities is a form of strength and making the choice to go to therapy is a form of strength. It took years for me to get to that point, but I did it last year for my friends and my family. I didn’t really do it for myself at first, but because I realized what my emotional condition was doing to my relationships. And I wanted to be a better sister and a better daughter, a better boss, and a better friend.” NBC NEWS “ The body-positive movement is the body-positive movement, and we high five. We’re parallel. But my movement is my movement. When all the dust has settled on the groundbreaking-ness, I’m going to still be doing this. I’m not going to suddenly change. I’m going to still be telling my life story through music. And if that’s body- positive to you, amen. That’s feminist to you, amen. If that’s pro-black to you, amen. Because ma’am, I’m all of those things.” — Lizzo “The body-positive movement is the body-positive movement, and we high five. We’re parallel. But my movement is my movement. When all the dust has settled on the groundbreaking-ness, I’m going to still be doing this. I’m not going to suddenly change. I’m going to still be telling my life story through music. And if that’s body- positive to you, amen. That’s feminist to you, amen. If that’s pro-black to you, amen. Because ma’am, I’m all of those things.” Allure “ It’s not a label I wanted to put on myself. It’s just my existence. All these fucking hashtags to convince people that the way you look is fine. Isn’t that fucking crazy? I say I love myself, and they’re like, ‘Oh my gosh, she’s so brave. She’s so political.’ For what? All I said is ‘I love myself, bitch!’ Even when body positivity is over, it’s not like I’m going to be a thin white woman. I’m going to be black and fat. That’s just hopping on a trend and expecting people to blindly love themselves. That’s fake love. I’m trying to figure out how to actually live it.” — Lizzo “It’s not a label I wanted to put on myself. It’s just my existence. All these fucking hashtags to convince people that the way you look is fine. Isn’t that fucking crazy? I say I love myself, and they’re like, ‘Oh my gosh, she’s so brave. She’s so political.’ For what? All I said is ‘I love myself, bitch!’ Even when body positivity is over, it’s not like I’m going to be a thin white woman. I’m going to be black and fat. That’s just hopping on a trend and expecting people to blindly love themselves. That’s fake love. I’m trying to figure out how to actually live it.”  The Cut “ I’m not gonna sell you the commercialized self-love. I’m not gonna sell you the hashtag self-care.’ I’m not into that. I feel a responsibility as a pioneer in this wave of body positivity to push the narrative further. I’m not even gonna get into it, but they’re just saying, like, ‘self-care is all facials and mimosas,’ and there are people using the term ‘body positivity’ but still posting, like, really gorgeous glamour shots. And I get it. That’s fine. Everyone deserves to speak on it, everyone deserves to have ownership of their body positivity. But I’m not just gonna settle for that anymore. I think that there’s something to emotions and vulnerability and expressing those emotions in a more vulnerable way to yourself that I think we haven’t tapped into.” — Lizzo “I'm not gonna sell you the commercialized self-love. I'm not gonna sell you the hashtag self-care.' I'm not into that. I feel a responsibility as a pioneer in this wave of body positivity to push the narrative further. I'm not even gonna get into it, but they're just saying, like, 'self-care is all facials and mimosas,' and there are people using the term 'body positivity' but still posting, like, really gorgeous glamour shots. And I get it. That's fine. Everyone deserves to speak on it, everyone deserves to have ownership of their body positivity. But I'm not just gonna settle for that anymore. I think that there's something to emotions and vulnerability and expressing those emotions in a more vulnerable way to yourself that I think we haven't tapped into." NPR “ FAT DOES NOT=UGLY. Love Yourself. Eat like you love yourself. Drink water like you love yourself. Dance & move your body like you love yourself. Next time someone calls you fat, remember you’ve got fat in your body just like them. And having fat is beautiful.” — Lizzo “FAT DOES NOT=UGLY. Love Yourself. Eat like you love yourself. Drink water like you love yourself. Dance & move your body like you love yourself. Next time someone calls you fat, remember you’ve got fat in your body just like them. And having fat is beautiful.” Allure “ So, when it comes to being a role model to women, I think it’s because of the way that I treat myself, I am a woman, I treat myself with respect and I love myself, and I think that if I’m holding myself to a certain esteem and keeping it real with myself, then that’s going to translate to people like me.” — Lizzo “So, when it comes to being a role model to women, I think it’s because of the way that I treat myself, I am a woman, I treat myself with respect and I love myself, and I think that if I’m holding myself to a certain esteem and keeping it real with myself, then that’s going to translate to people like me.” Interview Magazine “ I’m still not every day as comfortable as the day before. At a certain point, I kind of realized that my body wasn’t going to change unless I did something drastic, which I didn’t have money [for]. When I started discovering my self-love and trying to be more positive about my body, this was like 10 years ago, and I was broke. I was like, I have no plastic surgery options, there’s no crazy dieting options; I’ve been big my whole life. ‘Just deal with it! Just accept your body!’ I made a decision that I would eventually be happy about it, and it took a long time. Ten years later, I have a healthy relationship with my body.” — Lizzo "I'm still not every day as comfortable as the day before. At a certain point, I kind of realized that my body wasn't going to change unless I did something drastic, which I didn't have money [for]. When I started discovering my self-love and trying to be more positive about my body, this was like 10 years ago, and I was broke. I was like, I have no plastic surgery options, there's no crazy dieting options; I've been big my whole life. 'Just deal with it! Just accept your body!' I made a decision that I would eventually be happy about it, and it took a long time. Ten years later, I have a healthy relationship with my body ." NPR “ I’m doing this for myself. I love creating shapes with my body, and I love normalizing the dimples in my butt or the lumps in my thighs or my back fat or my stretch marks. I love normalizing my black-ass elbows. I think it’s beautiful.” — Lizzo “I’m doing this for myself. I love creating shapes with my body, and I love normalizing the dimples in my butt or the lumps in my thighs or my back fat or my stretch marks. I love normalizing my black-ass elbows. I think it’s beautiful.” Essence “ Before the term, ‘Body Positive’ was this mainstream thing, I was just making music about my body that was positive and people would be like, ‘How dare she?’ or ‘Is she serious?’ “Does she really love herself?’ And I was like, ‘Why are Y’all asking all these damn questions?” — Lizzo “Before the term, ‘Body Positive’ was this mainstream thing, I was just making music about my body that was positive and people would be like, ‘How dare she?’ or ‘Is she serious?’ “Does she really love herself?’ And I was like, ‘Why are Y’all asking all these damn questions?” The Daily Show “ Self-care is in the little moments — bathing, sweating, washing your hair. it’s in laughing so hard you can barely catch a breath, your lungs expanding on a morning jog… now more than ever we need to enjoy the quiet within ourselves.” — Lizzo “Self-care is in the little moments — bathing, sweating, washing your hair. it’s in laughing so hard you can barely catch a breath, your lungs expanding on a morning jog… now more than ever we need to enjoy the quiet within ourselves.”  Instagram   “ My movement is for everybody. My movement celebrates diversity. It’s all about inclusion. It’s all about getting our flowers and giving each person their own space to be an individual and speak up for that individuality.” — Lizzo “My movement is for everybody. My movement celebrates diversity. It’s all about inclusion. It’s all about getting our flowers and giving each person their own space to be an individual and speak up for that individuality.” Junkee “ I didn’t have enough women to look up to and they weren’t given enough space in the industry to carve out a lane for big girls that are brown and black and want to sing and dance without getting shit talked and body shamed. I’m out here and I set my mind to it. I want to be a sex symbol and music goddess and I’m out here trying to make that happen for myself. I’m here for the fantasy but I want to be a part of that fantasy. I’m just as fine as those girls.” — Lizzo “I didn’t have enough women to look up to and they weren’t given enough space in the industry to carve out a lane for big girls that are brown and black and want to sing and dance without getting shit talked and body shamed. I’m out here and I set my mind to it. I want to be a sex symbol and music goddess and I’m out here trying to make that happen for myself. I’m here for the fantasy but I want to be a part of that fantasy. I’m just as fine as those girls.” Vogue “ Every time I rap about being a big girl in a small world, it’s doing a couple of things; it’s empowering my self-awareness, my body image, and it’s also making the statement that we are all bigger than this; we’re a part of something bigger than this, and we should live in each moment knowing that.” — Lizzo “Every time I rap about being a big girl in a small world, it’s doing a couple of things; it’s empowering my self-awareness, my body image, and it’s also making the statement that we are all bigger than this; we’re a part of something bigger than this, and we should live in each moment knowing that.”  Interview Magazine “ I want people to realize that fitness doesn’t have a look or an aesthetic or a weight. Fitness is a very personal thing that’s between you and your doctor. To have a big black girl singing about how she’s working on the calisthenics – because mind you, I be in the gym every day, but people don’t believe that because I got extra fat and rolls and a big butt – I think that it’s empowering for young girls, to see that it’s okay to work out and not have a six-pack.” — Lizzo “I want people to realize that fitness doesn’t have a look or an aesthetic or a weight. Fitness is a very personal thing that’s between you and your doctor. To have a big black girl singing about how she’s working on the calisthenics – because mind you, I be in the gym every day, but people don’t believe that because I got extra fat and rolls and a big butt – I think that it’s empowering for young girls, to see that it’s okay to work out and not have a six-pack.” BILLBOARD “ So, when it comes to being a role model to women, I think it’s because of the way that I feel about myself, and the way that I treat myself. I am a woman, I treat myself with respect and I love myself, and I think that if I’m holding myself to a certain esteem and keeping it real with myself, then that’s going to translate to people like me.” — Lizzo “So, when it comes to being a role model to women, I think it’s because of the way that I feel about myself, and the way that I treat myself. I am a woman, I treat myself with respect and I love myself, and I think that if I’m holding myself to a certain esteem and keeping it real with myself, then that’s going to translate to people like me.” Interview Magazine “ Self-care is really rooted in self-preservation, just like self-love is rooted in honesty. We have to start being more honest with what we need, and what we deserve, and start serving that to ourselves. It can be a spa day! But for a lot of people, it’s more like, I need a mentor. I need someone to talk to. I need to see someone who looks like me that’s successful, that’s doing the things that I want to do, to know that it’s possible.” “Self-care is really rooted in self-preservation, just like self-love is rooted in honesty. We have to start being more honest with what we need, and what we deserve, and start serving that to ourselves. It can be a spa day! But for a lot of people, it's more like, I need a mentor. I need someone to talk to. I need to see someone who looks like me that's successful, that's doing the things that I want to do, to know that it's possible.”  NBC NEWS If you’re in a funk , listen to Lizzo’s music, watch her videos, or read her words and you’ll feel better immediately. Whether you believe in body positivity or not, loving and treating ourselves well is beneficial to our mental and physical health.