#the best version I've found is from a 12-year-old youtube video

[secondbeatsongs]

shuffle me timbers. 74, 62, 35

unfortunately, I do not know what these numbers correspond to, but I will give you a shuffled song!

the song that came up for you is "Okay" by Backhouse Mike - he's a guy that did in-house tracks for Nickelodeon shows, and the version I have on my iPod is actually from the Zoey 101 soundtrack CD!

but here's the deal. this song, everywhere you can find it officially? the quality sucks. it's awful. we're talking like...8tracks-rip bad.

and that's bad.

it's probably 128k or worse, and it's noisy, and compressed, and ughh. and it's like that on all streaming services! but you know where it's not like that?

tumblr.

besides the CD rip that I have, the highest quality version I can find of this song comes from this almost-11-year-old tumblr post.

is it perfect? no! but it's crisp 192k quality, and unlike my CD rip, it has the extra little fun bit at the end where he repeats one of the lines a bunch!

so like! fuck! what the fuck! why does this decade-old tumblr post have better audio quality than everything Backhouse Mike put up officially? who was in charge of putting his stuff online? and why would they not check the quality first?!

like not to exaggerate on main, but this might be my villain origin story.

anyway, it's a great song, and I listen to it to chill out sometimes

...and since it exists literally nowhere else in 320k, here's my CD rip of it:

(but do also go listen to the tumblr post I linked above, because the ending on that version is just *chef's kiss*)

[suffering-with-fiery]

Rune translations and Bottom theories (I did my best!) (: It's long! I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG!!!! You've been warned. (Potential TWs below the cut) yeah Hyoga doesn't have a good time here.

I should probably start calling Hyoga "Hyouga" instead since I'm pretty sure it's spelled with a 'U'... but I probably won't. Apologies.

Bottom English translation by Tackmyn Y! (I can't speak Japanese, again, apologies, though I was able to make my own version of Autophagy)

Potential TWs (I dont want to harm anyone by going on this rant): Autophagy (medical terms), nightmares, demons tormenting a guy, Hyoga being unhealthy in more ways than one, mentions of death/murder, self esteem issues, mentions of destructive behavior, manipulation, violence.

Yeah, my boy Hyoga ain't having a good time in this theory.

I feel the need to clarify that this is all speculation. So uh. Everything here is just what I've been thinking about since I hopped into this rabbit hole.

Sinfan (I'm not sure what order they go in, it's quite hard to tell):

["Death"

"I"

"Revive"

"Spirit"

"I"

"Something with shape"]

I'm not fully sure what "something with shape" means, but there's a possibility that Sinfan could be referring to Hyoga, (a doll/wax figure) or maybe that Sinfan needs something with a shape to be able to exist. Sinfan could need a vessel to stay on the mortal plain and go undetected while staying alive.

Sinfan needs a vessel. And with that thought, it launches into indecipherable theory crafting.

Hyoga summoned Sinfan when he was 12 years old. Thinking he found a vessel, he called upon Pabometh, another grey demon, to help torment Hyoga so the two could get their wish.

Hyoga, at the time, is young, dumb and susceptible to manipulation, meaning it could be easy for Sinfan to grasp the situation with an iron grip which follows Hyoga into adulthood.

"Revival" could also be referring to "Rebirth," symbolized by a butterfly. It could also mean that Sinfan/Pabo has the powers to revive people. Maybe as a last resort if they need it.

In Hiiragi Kirai's album trailer on Youtube, Hyoga shows up in a scene with 'D' and 'B' in calligraphy on each cheek. They could mean "Death" and "Birth" respectively.

Lines from Autophagy:

"I just wants a peaceful life." Likely means Hyoga wants the demons gone so he can live how he wants to. (Who wouldn't?)

"The voice inside my head? Huh... how odd." Also implies that the demons are still with him.

"My body pulses, memories from my past bringing pain." Means that in Autophagy, Hyoga remembers his past, but it hurts him.

""You can't avoid it in life, so it's best to just deal with it." You say, but you dont seem bothered." Is most likely Sinfan talking to Hyoga. It could also mean that Hyoga can't avoid the demons, so he should just deal with it.

"I can't stop now, so pretend nothing happened!" Could be Hyoga trying to ignore the demons, or maybe he did something he shouldn't have. (Always knew those were prison tattoos...)

"I want to wash my skull out! I want to say bye bye! But yet I didn't do it..." Could mean that the demons are still with him in Autophagy and likely still tormenting him.

"I won't stop, I can't look back." Might mean Hyoga is trying to move on, but with the demons still in his head, he can't, so the "Let me forget!" after the instrument solo might be him wishing that he never remembered in the first place and trying to get the demons to take them away again.

"Just stay away from me!" Could be Hyoga distancing himself from everyone he knows, or trying to get the demons to go away.

"Hello! HAHAHAHA Hello! HAHAHAHAHA!" Might be Hyoga as he slowly loses his remaining sanity due to constant tormenting and pressure from the demons.

"A A A A- 'Allo/Allow/Arrow" could all imply different things, so I'll give a short on all of them.

"'Allo!" Is just an abbreviation of "Hello."

"Arrow!" -According to a quick google search- is a common symbolism for peace and philosophical ideas, and used for protection and hunting. It could mean that Hyoga just wants peace and quiet, which is enforced by "I just want a peaceful life." in the beginning.

"Allow!" Could mean that the demons are trying even harder to bend him to their will and take him over as a vessel. They want Hyoga to allow them to posses him so they can do whatever they please.

Pabo only has 2 that I can see:

["Nightmare"

"Save (?)ime"]

It might be "time" but I couldn't make out the rune symbol there.

"Nightmare" hardens my thought that Bottom is just a massive nightmare set up by the demons to torment Hyoga, that the song is sung from the perspective of one of the demons (likely Pabo), and that Young Hyoga(tm) in the video is Pabometh playing the part of his repressed/forgotten memories.

This is all assuming the song is, infact, sung by the demons.

Lines from Bottom:

"You're keeping me alive! Today, today, you're killing me!" Could go both ways (Pabo/Sinfan and Hyoga) For Pabo it could just be another variation of the next line I'm about to talk about.

For Hyoga it could mean that he wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have the demons (Sinfan might posses him to make him fit in so nobody notices, keep him from dying from mortal wounds, and he's lived with them so long he might not know what to do without them), but with them he's slowly tearing himself apart from the inside out due to their constant tormenting. Metaphorically or literally is anyone's guess at the moment.

"Autophagy" (his songs name) is a medical term for "self eat" which normally happens when your body is starved, so it eats it's own cells to survive as long as it can. It can also correlate to certain diseases. Autophagy in these terms might also be referring to emotions. It's possible he's been stewing in any sort of negative emotions to cause such effects. (I.E: Guilt, fear, self worth issues,) which could make his resolve weaker, making it easier for Pabo and Sinfan to torment him/possess him. The longer it goes on, the closer he could be to self destructing.

"A wax figure/a doll is keeping me alive/killing me." Is more related to the demons in my eyes. "Wax figure/a doll" is likely referring to Hyoga. Hyoga could be their only tie to the mortal realm, (Sinfan being more prominent because he was summoned first, and by Hyoga himself.)

It could also mean that they need to inhabit his mind/body in order to survive and make it easier to torment Hyoga. If they both are in Hyoga's mind 24/7 while he suffers from nightmares (which cause lack of sleep, keeping his body in a perpetually weak state), no self worth, and a fragile mental state ("I wanna keep you out of my fragile mind!") while he tears himself apart, it would mean it would be harder to stay with him without something happening.

Due to that, it's likely that the very thing keeping them alive and in the mortal realm is also killing them at the same time.

It may be worth mentioning that a line in Bottom is "You think you're a god to me?" while 9lore translated Rinen's (Möbius') tattoo on his chest, which reads "Be still and know that I am god." It could a a coincidence, but I thought I'd mention it just in case (:

Throughout the entire song the demons are mocking and belittling Hyoga. (I.E: "Defying all logic, you're nothing but evil." "You're so stupid! You scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!") Most of the angry rant type of thing happens when Young Hyoga (tm) is on-screen. (It could be a tactic to make Hyoga not want to remember/manipulate his memories/tear down his resolve even more/or just plain upset him.)

"I mean, who, who, who are you?" It's been made clear that for the longest time (according to WOOMA) Hyoga didn't even remember his own name. "Who are you?" might be Pabo trying to get into Hyoga's head and make him question his own sanity.

"What the hell are you to me?" Implies that Pabo also want Hyoga to question why Pabo is here. Sinfan was summoned by Hyoga, but Pabometh was likely summoned by Sinfan to help tear down Hyoga. That means the two don't have much history, and Hyoga most likely doesn't know why Pabo is here for awhile.

It's "you to me" instead of "me to you" so Pabo could also be trying to get Hyoga to try and notice him in a positive way so that the nightmares stop. I'll expand on that some more a few (a lot) of paragraphs down.

"Inside my heart is- such a rage! Such a rage! So I'll grab you, grasp you, and crush you flat!" Is a line I find interesting. It also leads directing into another line; "The symptom of the unforgettable emotion is my burning intent to murder, which is absolutely right." Pabo would likely be talking about Hyoga, which implies that if he could, Pabo would murder Hyoga himself, but since the "wax figure" is needed to keep both him and his accomplice, Sinfan, alive, he can't.

It also implies that Pabo is extremely angry with Hyoga, for a reason I can't particularly pinpoint, except maybe for the fact that Hyoga's becoming more and more unstable and not safe for Pabo and Sinfan. The only problem is, it's Pabo and Sinfans fault he's like that. They're the ones that chose Hyoga as a vessel while simultaneously destroying him.

However, it's possible that Pabo's aim was to devoid Hyoga of anything and everything, (I.E: memories, emotions, etc. etc.) so that he was just that: a vessel. But with Hyoga being so destructive to himself, the whole plan could have gone awry and Pabo's only thought was how furious he was at Hyoga for messing up his chance to be in the mortal realm undetected for good, meaning he wishes he could destroy Hyoga and just get it over with so him and Sinfan could wait until someone else summoned them so they could take advantage of that.

""How deplorable you are! How deplorable you are!"" Is a line that has a chance of Hyoga himself having said it due to it having quotes on it. It also implies that he he could be fighting back, so his resolve might not crushed completely. However, a show of strength like that would likely just enrage Pabometh even more than he already is. It also doesn't help the positive impression he wants Pabo to have of him.

"You're involving yourself with me again like a clingy, clingy neighbor!" Sounds like Pabo, again, insulting Hyoga. If we go off of another part of this fever dream I've cooked up, (Hyoga not knowing what to do without the demons, but with them destroying himself), sounds like Pabo doesn't want to be with Hyoga anymore, going as far as hating him so much he's festering in it.

The "again" makes it sound like Hyoga's tried to communicate with them more than once, being unsuccessful each time. Hyoga could be trying to latch onto them, either to take them down with him or trying to get the nightmares to stop. Like I said, for a while Hyoga could have been trying to get positive attention and make Pabo like him.

"The low-end is going to manipulate me." Could be Pabo addressing that he knows what Hyoga was trying to do and calling him out for it.

"Brimming with momentary anger, rot away quickly, quickly, quickly!" Again, Pabo is talking about his burning hatred for Hyoga.

"I'm always losing! How, how dare you!" Implies that even with all the nightmares and torment, Hyoga has just enough willpower to keep Pabo from getting his wish, angering him even more.

And finally, a line from Autophagy:

"Oh, rise seeds of evil, bursting with malice!" Might be Hyoga finally giving into the demons and becoming their vessel if they take away his painful memories and stop hurting him.

Pentagram:

["-r Guide(A) N(?)E A(?)R"

"The ability to know wh-"

"Grant me the power to be strong in spirit-"

"Grant me the wisdom to understand-"]

With it over Pabo, it's possible that this was the one that summoned Pabo instead of Sinfan, although with it also under Hyoga, it could be Sinfan's. Who knows, it might also be boths.

In the ending scene with the pentagram, the colors of the other songs are visible, meaning that it's possible all of them are connected.

(I could go on for hours about the small loopholes that I think mean all the songs are connected in specific ways. Either way I know they're all from the same universe.)

With all their colors on it, it might mean they all have a demon of their own.

I'm still working slightly on the pentagram, I'll probably keep ya updated if I can find out what the rest of it says (:

If anyone can find the full version (preferably readable) of the pentagram, that'd be lovely (if it even exists)

(If you find more runes in "Bottom" or another Hiiragi song I'd be happy to see if I can translate it (: I'm not very good though, and I can't speak Japanese-)

English translation of Bottom used by: Tackmyn Y (I don't know where you are but you're a lifesaver)

Find any spelling errors, let me know! I'll see if I can fix 'em (:

If you read this far, what're you doing??

Have an absolutely amazing day!!! <3

[still-we-go-pumpkins]

An amazing fan tribute to Weiki. Unique facts compilation 👌🎃

I've just found the post on DeviantArt. As great Weiki fan also, I can confirm that he's really that marvelous just as the author describes him. This will make you feel warm and will set smile on your face as well as you will check Helloween vids/lives while exploring this facts. So, here we go.

Further credits : SamWeiki

100 Reasons I love Michael Weikath

Possible – scratch that, definite – Fangirling ahead (I tried to keep it to a minimum and I probably failed)

1. He has the most gorgeous blue eyes. [right off, I told you – Fangirling]

2. The songs he writes are so unique and AMAZING. Most of them mean quite a lot to me, as well. I’ve always been drawn to them. They just have a certain special quality to them that I love.

3. He wrote “Keeper of the Seven Keys” for cryin’ out loud!

4. His “thanks” section in the Unarmed booklet.

5. He’d pick Judas Priest over Iron Maiden in an instant.

6. The way he sometimes answers questions. For instance, he was asked about what fans could expect from The Dark Ride and his response was: ��Well....hmmmm you can expect that it will be standing in stores and it’s very likely you can buy it when you find it there! hahahahahaha apart from that I don’t know if it’s going to say anything but you can go there and buy it, listen to it, and use it, because it’s a CD and it usually makes a lot of sound if you put it into a CD player......but probably doesn't work if you put it into a toaster.....hahahahahaha.”

7. If he wasn’t a musician, he says his life would be dedicated to cartoons.

8. He dedicated the Hammond version of “Burning Sun” to the great Jon Lord.

9. He’s an artist. His little skull and pumpkin drawing is beautiful.

10. He makes the best faces in concerts.

11. I love watching him in the High Live video, especially during “Steel Tormentor”. [I did not just say that]

12. He made the frog noises at the end of “Nothing to Say”.

13. So many people have blamed him for things over the years, when he did nothing wrong, just because they feel it's easier to blame him. I experience that quite a lot and have for several years, so I understand what it's like but he seems a lot stronger than me about it, as it's very hard for me to get over a lot of that stuff. He's sort of my hero about that because it seems like he hasn't let that really stop him.

14. How he totally told off that Phantom guy. His responses were awesome.

15. A part of “Do You Know What You Are Fighting For” is Deep Purple’s “Stormbringer” backwards. There’s actually a lot of Deep Purple in that song. Makes me love it even more – both songs.

16. He played on Uli Kusch’s cover of “Eyes of the World” from the Rainbow tribute album and he played all the guitar on that song. “Yeah I played on Eyes Of The World. So I did all of the guitar work on it. Uli told me that he did not expect me to have the guitar work as close to the original song as I had it.”

17. The seven pronged star on the cover of 7 Sinners was his idea. And what a damn fine idea it was because it makes a freaking sweet album cover! It was a lot of fun for me to draw, as well.

18. When writing “LAVDATE DOMINVM”, he called upon his old Latin lessons from school and actually got to work with his old Latin teacher on the lyrics. Weiki hadn’t worked with Latin for a bit, so he had to relearn a few things and he even managed to correct something his teacher had written.

19. His response to what animal he would be: “A lion, 'cause I could be lyin' round lazy and have my food brought to me by other people.”

20. Helloween would not be Helloween without him, plus Markus and Andi wouldn’t let him quit in 2000/2001.

21. He drew the logo and original pumpkin.

22. How beautiful the lyrics to “Windmill” are. Example:

"Don't feel alone and depressed

Someone will come, at last

To soothe your storming mind

To keep it away from the evil storms."

23. You can clearly hear the man singing in “White Christmas” and he’s the most fun to listen to.

24. “Introduction” never fails to make me laugh very loudly, especially the lyrics to “Rock n’ Roll All Day”.

25. He likes Spinal Tap.

26. The way he sang “Gorgar will eat you” in the Keeper Legacy interviews.

27. He was asked what his motto in life was and his response was: Be as friendly as it comes; have fun, make money and spend it on charity to help people. ~Sei so freundlich wie es geht; Spaß haben, viel Geld verdienen und es für wohltätige Zwecke ausgeben, um Leuten zu helfen~ (it was originally in German)

28. His black and white outfits in the ‘80s and ‘90s, especially those awesome star-printed pants.

29. The entire story of the Keeper of the Seven Keys and Master of the Rings.

30. The Jacuzzi scene in the Keeper Legacy Road movie.

31. He likes Aphrodite’s Child, Nektar, and Camel. He’s cool.

32. I really don’t think I’ve heard him say anything bad about anyone.

33. The moment when he switched his guitar off and “played” a solo after he was introduced in The Legacy concert.

34. “All right… That’s enough! Now, I want to hear Dani’s drum solo!” *rapid fire – BLAMBLAMBLAM!* The first time I watched the “Smoke On the Water” bit from Hellish Rock, I nearly fell to the floor laughing.

35. About the time Pink Bubbles Go Ape came out, in an interview, Michael Kiske said something about they weren’t Metal, they didn’t do that “Heavy Metal” thing and Weiki says, “I thought we were Heavy Metal”. And Michi completely just stopped talking for a second.

36. The way Weiki messed around with Michi and Roland during the interview mentioned above.

37. How much fun he looked like he was having in the “Kids of the Century” video.

38. Every time he dances around on stage.

39. His love for Gibson Les Pauls.

40. He was reading “A Hat Full of Sky” and even recommended it.

41. He says that his writing “Keeper of the Seven Keys” kept him alive and he considers it a major turning point in his life to have come up with the idea for it.

42. The hairspray scene in the Hellish Rock road movie.

43. He actually got involved with the DJ game when they were in Japan (Keeper Legacy road movie) – the whole arcade scene was great.

44. The way he just looks at a camera sometimes and doesn’t say a word – he just starts making faces and looking off in different directions. He can be funny without saying a single word.

45. His guitar solo in “Back On the Ground”.

46. He played most of the guitar on the Better Than Raw album.

47. Weikath Syndrome is the coolest thing to catch.

48. During the German Top 6 video (1993), he was drinking a Capri Sun. I think it may have even been Wild Cherry.

49. A Gibson Les Paul looks absolutely perfect on him. I also love the way he holds the guitar.

50. How his hair has always been shoulder length (at least) since the late ‘80s (and beautiful).

51. He thinks of the younger viewers/fans.

52. All the love for him in the Hellbook.

53. I don’t how much of the lyrics to “Dreambound” he wrote, but he has a credit on that song and OH MY GOD, is it flipping incredible! I must make special mention to how amazing “the Saints” is, too.

54. He wanted to talk to Michael Kiske when they met at a festival in 2012/2013, so they could try and work things out a little.

55. He wanted “Livin’ Ain’t No Crime” to be a single.

56. His song “Number One” and how uplifting and positive the lyrics are, especially the chorus.

57. When they were on the Ferris wheel, they didn’t start REALLY laughing until Weiki did.

58. How he introduces himself as “de Michael Weikath of Helloween” and he even got Dani to do it with him.

59. He contributed a guitar solo to the German Rock Project’s “Let Love Conquer the World” (the long Metal version) but went all incognito with it and is credited as “a member of the Seventh Key”.

60. The fact that he wanted a flute in “Raise the Noise” and it sounds totally awesome!

61. The sexy witch on the cover of Better Than Raw was Weiki’s idea.

62. His makeshift rocking chair.

63. His spoken part of the Dezperadoz song “First Blood” (and “Echoes of Eternity”, too).

64. How funny was in the two Nuremberg interviews from the ‘80s that are on YouTube.

1987 – He lights a cigarette, he passes it Ingo, Ingo passes it back, and Weiki passes it back to him. Ingo then proceeds to throw it on the ground and Weiki attempts to lightly hit him but only manages to hit his hair. xD

1988 – The FUNNY one! He was so frickin’ funny in that one. I won’t give away the end of it if you’ve never seen it, but it involves a balloon and a cigarette. (by the way, Michael Weikath takes his sunglasses off and puts them back on 13 times, 10 of which are in the first three minutes).

65. After an interviewer thanks him for being there, “Ja, that’s not so much I can do about it, because somebody put me on this Earth and I went out of my mother and suddenly I was there and now I have to deal with this crap.”

66. During the Indianapolis Hell On Wheels concert, during “Halloween”, Michi passes the mic over to Weiki and Weiki does the “I’ll show you power and glory” part. Michi then makes a disgruntled face at him and rubs the mic with his shirt, causing Weiki to make a face back at him!

67. Also from the same Hell On Wheels concert, during “A Tale That Wasn’t Right”, he was stepping on the skeleton and making Ingo laugh.

68. Speaking of “A Tale That Wasn’t Right”, that song is incredible and very powerful.

69. He let the other members of the band help out on “Mission Motherland”. That song is very quickly becoming my favorite song of theirs.

70. His backing vocals in the “Sea of Fears” demo.

71. All of his little pins that he wears: the pumpkin, the W, the stars…

72. This comment he made about the Hellbook: “With the hardcover you can better smash your naughty brother... and you can with the regular as well, just maybe not as effective.” I have actually made that joke to my brother before. xD

73. Someone at a meet-n-greet in 2008 showed the band an old picture of the guys, which they all signed. It was an old picture. Kai was stunned, Markus laughed his ass off, and Michael actually said he remembered where it was taken and when. The picture was taken in 1986, so that is kind of impressive.

74. He helped me become a big fan of Deep Purple. Yes, I will admit to only becoming a major Deep Purple fan after becoming a Helloween fan - and it was all because of Weiki. And now I'm really happy because I never realized how awesome Deep Purple is. Same thing with Wishbone Ash.

75. He’s given me several phrases to use whenever applicable.

- “Impressive, isn’t it?”

- “You have to listen with your ears.”

- “It’s nice, cold, windy, sunny weather.” (which pretty much describes Florida in the winter sometimes)

76. He can still sing with a cigarette in his mouth and not drop the cigarette.

77. The intro to “Halloween”. I’m not sure if he played it on the original recording, but when he plays it live… OH MY GOD.

78. His guitar solo in “First Time”.

79. He’s fun to watch in the “When the Sinner” video when he’s shown, especially when he’s playing those power chords in the beginning (even though he played no guitar on the song) and the part in the saloon.

80. How amazing “Les Hambourgeois Walkways” is.

81. He’s written a couple songs that he has dedicated to groups of fans ~ “LAVDATE DOMINVM” for the Latin speaking fans, and “Born on Judgment Day” for the people of Brazil.

82. How he’s so easily able to make Sascha laugh behind the camera.

More here 💜

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

I've been to Wildwood. The Jersey Shore is crazy in general but wildwood is next level. The board walk has like 200 of the same t-shirt store, feels like you're walking through the fires of hell, and is jam packed with kids on camp trips. I've only ever done the board walk there but I've seen the walk you have to take to get out to the beach, it's insane. I can only imagine what it's like with family. How old are your cousins and what are they like?

My family has literally been coming to Wildwood every year since, like, at LEAST the 1930’s, I’m not sure on anyone earlier than that, and my family is insane, so let’s dive into this.

The Main Characters In My Life On Vacation Are:

-My Grandmother, who was a child dancer star (she tapped on the radio!) who’s been coming down here her whole life- her parents used to come down the same day there would be a talent show, enter her in it, and then use her first prize reward for the money they’d spend throughout the week. Has been in the old person stage of “I’m an elder, who cares what I say or do” for the past 15 years. Has eight living kids and Too Many Descendants. Loud and refuses to admit she can’t walk half the time.

- My Mother, who gets confused very easily, overshares and breaks off into meaningless tangents in the middle of stories, snores like a literal demon, always wants to be asleep, keeps pushing for family activities, doesn’t realize all the kids think she’s lame.

- Me, who is always Extra Depressed in the summer months, and is the Sole Person In This Family My Age- everyone just stopped having babies for a few years when my mother decided to have me (Everyone is either over 25 or under 16). Because of this I’m usually confined to my room, unable to really do anything on the boardwalk because going on rides alone is depressing and my mother has heart problems. Just wants to read and write, but the children keep Screaming.

- My Aunt and Her Husband- A Very Loud Couple, she likes to control everything and he’s the only one who ever bothers to yell back at her. They always fight exactly once, every year, and every year somehow I always end up being the only other person in the apartment while its happening, so I just have to sit in awkward silence until my aunt finally huffs out “I can’t believe you’re doing this in front of my goddaughter!” and storms out to go find her kids. They make a lot of jokes and think their children are very dramatic.

- Jenna, the 14 year old cousin. Very dramatic. Mastered the art of the eye roll at a young age. Has literally looked like a mini model since she was born. Can’t be bothered to deal with anyone. We usually have one (1) tiny girl-bonding moment each vacation and then she promptly acts like she doesn’t care even though it’s clear she does. Athletic and artistic and musically/theatrically gifted. Very sarcastic. Always doing cartwheels.

- Seanie, the 12 year old cousin. Middle child syndrome. Tries to hard to be funny for attention. VERY dramatic. Will cry at the drop of a dime (I’m typing this and I literally just heard him burst into tears in the other room??). Super adorable, you can tell he’s gonna be one of those high school boys that pulls Ridiculous Shit but after one charming smile the teachers can’t bring themselves to stay mad. Very loud. Currently addicted to video game youtubers.

-Zack, the 7 year old cousin. Adorable. Loud. Lowkey a prodigy child but they can’t afford to get him into Special Schools so he’s always bored in class. Baby Of The Family syndrome. Currently in an aggressive pokemon phase. Doesn’t understand he’s literally a child, he acts like an old man half the time.

We’re all shoved into a small apartment for a week, but there are Others:

- Kathy, Grandmom’s second oldest. Literally the most bland person I have ever encountered on this planet. Very, very into trying to plan ‘fun’ family events. Thinks any conversation is a riveting conversation.

- Kathy’s husband, who is just a plain old guy who’s lowkey a hoarder and jokes around a lot, but every time someone mentions his past or his family it gets more and more confusing??? He may have a brother who was in the CIA??? He may have been homeless or he may have lived with his sister???? He may have killed a man???? I literally know nothing concrete about this man other than he’s apparently been with my aunt since they were teens but I. D. K. Every new piece of information I receive just scatters the puzzle more.

- Their eldest daughter and her husband spend most of the summer down here but always make sure to match up the schedule for when we come down. Loud, energetic couple. I have no idea what either of them do for work? They might currently be unemployed? Really into alcohol. At some point in the week every year, everyone in my apartment bonds together to diss them after we get back from the beach. Like, they’ll do something or another EVERY YEAR that sets EVERYONE off.

- The 16 year old. Tries to show everyone memes on his phone. Never really talks to people. Does NOT get along with his parents because he’s kinda an outlier in the family. I feel like he might be a stoner, but if I find out he’s got a hidden gun collection, I wouldn’t be surprised? That probably sounds awful but he’s a good kid I promise.

- Danny, 12. Adorable. Quiet. Mini golden boy. Makes jokes when you aren’t expecting them. Very resigned to the fact he has to hug me and my mother when he sees us.

- Kathy and Mystery Man’s youngest daughter, a librarian, and her stand up comedian husband, and now their three month old who is ADORABLE and everyone was surprised to learn they hadn’t named her Hermione.

Other recurring family members are prone to popping up throughout the vacation- Aunt Margie, Grandmom’s sister-in-law, who, I love her, but remember that chocolate episode of spongebob with the old woman that was essentially a stick in a wheelchair and had a chain smoker voice??? Put that in the tiniest bikini you can imagine and add a wheezing laugh and you got her. Her daughter who I could not recognize on a street if I tried. Her son Michael, who is best friends with my mom and apparently Not Gay (no one’s really convinced). A step-cousin sometimes pops by, she’s very breezy and easy-going and you can’t distinguish her Actual Talking Voice with her Talking To Little Kids Voice.

Anyway, Wildwood itself is just. Goddamn ridiculous.

The aesthetic of this place is somewhere between the 1950’s, a trailer park, and the kind of developed land you get when a moustache-twirling man wants to convince all the old people he can to retire to his buildings. Some buildings are harsh metal, and others are bright pastels, but the only thing joining them together is the fact that it looks like no one has cleaned anything here in years. EVERYTHING, even the knew stuff, looks worn and faded. Even like…the AIR is faded. It’s not just the sun being too bright, everything you’re looking at looks like it’s an old photograph. If you stay too long, you might start to fade into the landscape yourself.

I have never once seen an animal that wasn’t a seagull here. Most towns, islands, places, whatever- you usually have at least squirrels running around, maybe some variations of birds, just. ANYTHING. But it’s all seagulls all the time. You cannot exist in a spot for longer than a few moments without one of them dive bombing you. They are not mere birds. They are feathered demons that Hath No Fear Of The Foolish Mortals Of Mankind.

The song “Wildwood Days” plays on the Boardwalk every half hour. It is the only way to appease the spirits. It’s the modern, New Jersey-ian version of painting lamb blood over your door frame. As much as I’ve grown to hate the song, to twitch and clench my fist at each note, I deeply fear for the day the song doesn’t play on time and the curse is unleashed. I have a deep, sinking feeling that this moment will come within my life time.

If You Don’t Stop To Watch The Fireworks, Your Bones Shall Never Be Found.

You hear the ongoing chant of “Watch the Tram Car, Please!”, and look around, but there isn’t a Tram Car coming. The order grows louder and louder. You realize you aren’t even on the Boardwalk any more. The sound is right behind you, but you can’t find the source. “Watch the Tram Car, Please!” you realize, to your horror, the sound is now coming from inside you. You never find your true voice again.

Despite The Fact That This Place Is A Mosh Pit Of Families From All Over The World, If You Can’t Immediately Place My Accent Or Figure Out What Language I’m Speaking, I Have Legal Grounds To Kill You.

The sand simply isn’t normal. It’s ADVANCED sand. It doesn’t make sense. It never truly washes off. The more you scrub, the more appears.

Ancient gods from multiple pantheons like to chill out on the beach, have a few beers. You never know for sure who is who, but you Know they aren’t the same as you, and you know they know more about you than you’re comfortable with. For your own sake, NEVER ask them to turn their music down.

There is always at least one plane flying over with a sign reading “Jen, will you marry Sean?”. It’s been decades. Will Jen ever say yes?

Elevators Are For The Weak And We Use Them To Judge Who To Do Away With First.

The ocean goes back and forth between green and grey, and you know the color makes a significant difference but you can never quite put your finger on what.

Fish Are Fake.

All the stores sell everything you want, but nothing you need.

King Kong Is Our Fierce Protector, Loving Hero, And Just Enforcer

All the police officers and firemen and general ‘in charge’ jobs seemed to be run completely by 18 years olds

No one truly knows who pulls the shots when it comes to deciding the Boardwalks style each year. Every store sells the same Designated Style, and each year they make less and less sense. You buy a specialized hoodie anyway, and you have no idea why.

I could keep going on with that list, but the point is, Wildwood is a Strange Place and I have a Ridiculous Family, so every year is always a bit of an experience.

Like, no one in my family really has anything in common other than everyone’s always loud and everyone’s always right and everyone is always ready to loudly fight over the fact that they’re definitely right, but like. Imagine crawling through some Hillbilly Murder Showers in the garage of a condo, using all of your force to pry open a suspiciously heavy and questionably mechanized door, walking under the boardwalk and trekking over sand dunes just to find a bunch of screaming yet physically relaxed people under the flag for Montserrat. Some guy’s cracking stand up jokes while no less than three children are fighting each other, your mother is promising for the 14th year in a row that you’re gonna go on a whale watching trip and everyone knows she’s lying, some woman’s trying to hold a conversation about buying applesauce in bulk while her husband and children get drunk, there’s a skinny pale guy with horrible sunburn blasting songs from N.W.A., a girl’s cartwheeling around the site to the point you think she doesn’t know how to move any other way, a boy’s quietly drinking pickle juice, there’s a 7 year old literally trapped in a giant hole that he dug, your mother is snoring loud enough to alarm the people around you, and just when you’re starting to get a little comfortable about the feathered demons and start to relax, a tide comes in so strongly your chair literally starts getting pulled out to sea with you in in. It’s average. It's fading into the landscape with the rest of the place.