#the best concert I ever went to was zero fucking dollars and me and my sister were literally front row

[victory-cookies]

tiktok has been showing me a deluge of ts eras tour shit and while I give zero shits about taylor at this point in my life seeing ppl paying insane amounts for fully obstructed seats while me and my sister saw rep years back and had good seats for like. a normal concert price. is so fucked. like it’s nuts seeing people paying fucking hundreds or even thousands for tickets where you can’t even see the stage. ticket prices are insane dude

[hollyxqx]

PLAYING WITH FIRE  //  YOONGI  //  05

↪PARING: Min Yoongi x Reader ↪ GENRE: angst » smut » idol!au » enemies to lovers ↪ SUMMARY: Yoongi hates you. Or at least he thinks he does. (AKA the one where you work for BigHit and Yoongi is bad at feelings). ↪ WORD COUNT: 6k ↪ WARNINGS: heavy angst | sex | secret relationships | jealousy | mild possessive behaviour a/n: don’t hate me too much for this chapter lol i promise its for a reason.

ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE | SIX

Yoongi could barely control the toothy grin that spread across his face as you practically skipped down the hallway, hand firmly encasing his. It was 1am, the perfect time for a secret rendezvous with someone he wasn't supposed to be with. Talk about taking control of the situation and being smart. People say it all the time but he literally couldn't help himself when it came to you.

Where you were taking him he wasn't aware; Yoongi was happy to be led as long as it was with you. You urged him on further with an encouraging smile thrown over your shoulder. He couldn't control how his heart skipped a beat.

"We can't go in here!" He hissed when he realised what you were up to.

"Be quiet." You reprimanded, holding a finger to his lips for a moment before you pushed open a fire escape door. He was almost certain this was at the very best was frowned upon and at worst - illegal. Left and right he looked up and down the deserted corridor double and triple checking that you were absolutely alone. The coast was clear.

Disobeying every instinct inside that was screaming this is not a good idea he followed you through the open door into the cool air of the concrete stairwell. You kept your grip on his hand tight as you dragged him up the flight of stairs.

"Where are you taking me?" He questioned aloud.

"Almost there." You ignored the question, panting a little from the exertion of this many steps. "It's worth it, I promise."

To his absolute horror you pushed open a door marked 'rooftop: do not enter' as if it was nothing. A thousand terrible images flashed through his mind of him getting caught doing something so wild and then being kicked out of BangTan and having his home country hate him. You could sense his reluctance.

"Yoongi, it's fine, I promise. The night manager of the hotel is a friend of mine. We're not going to get in trouble." You assured. He shot you a confused look.

"Wha - ? How do you know the manager?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Friend of my dad's. I lived in LA during the summer when I was younger you know."

He didn't actually know that. You hadn't really disclosed much about your life before moving to Korea to him and he hadn't asked, hesitant to pry too much assuming you'd tell him if you wanted him to have that information. "Oh." He muttered dumbly.

Now that you were outside the chill air of the summer night felt refreshing and he inhaled deeply, taking it in along with the view of the city below. He looked up at the sky, disappointed that the LA pollution hid the stars in the sky. Turning back to you, Yoongi watched as you wedged the metal door open with a wooden doorstop so it didn't close behind you both.

"The view is great huh?" You asked as you strode over to him.

He looked at you. "It is." He swallowed thickly.

You gently nudged him over to the furthermost concrete edge of the building. He wrapped an arm around your side and  held you tightly against him. "Do you see that tower over there?" You pointed somewhere to the left and he squinted, nodding when he saw what you were talking about. "That's where my father used to live. When my parents divorced that's where I would stay when I came to visit."

"How old were you when they separated?" He asked quietly, a gentle hand stroking your side comfortingly.

"Eleven." You hummed softly. "It was a lot, going back and forth between here and Britain alone but I'm thankful for it now. It made me brave enough to go to new places. Hence Korea."

"I had no idea." He felt a little foolish for not asking more about you sooner. It always seemed as if there never was enough time when you were together, every moment was stolen. He was thankful for the opportunity to learn now however. "I just assumed you were brave. Or stupid. One of the two." He teased, squeezing your hip affectionately.

You rolled your eyes, swatting him on the chest playfully. "There's a fine line between courage and stupidity but I'm going to assume there's a compliment in there somewhere."

Unable to stop himself he placed a tender kiss against your brow, feeling closer to you emotionally in that moment than ever before. Your eyes fluttered shut at his touch. "We're leaving tomorrow." He said quietly, wrapping his other arm around your waist. "This will be the last time we're in each other's company for a long time."

"Yeah." You sighed sadly. "We're both at that point in our lives where our career's are taking off and taking up all of time."

"Timing has never been a strength of mine." He quipped. "When I moved to Seoul I promised myself I would work as hard as possible, with zero distractions. Then I met you."

"Kiss me, Yoongi." You pleaded faintly. He was planning on doing that anyway. Dipping his head he slowly leaned forward, eyes flickering from your mouth to your lips and back again. His lips pressed to yours delicately, carefully, ever so slightly sucking your bottom lip as he pulled away. If this was going to the last time he did not want to rush.

This was a moment he wanted to remember.

"Thank you for bringing me here and sharing more of yourself with me." He murmured against your lips. "I like getting to see more of you."

The way you blushed didn't go amiss and it only made him kiss you harder this time around. Fingertip under your chin he tilted your head upwards for him so you were at the perfect angle, allowing him to gently slip his tongue into your mouth. You rotated in his arms so you were chest to chest and pressed yourself against him.

When you eventually broke apart, you stood on your tiptoes and pressed your foreheads together, smiling like love drunk fools at each other. "You are the best kisser." You giggled.

"I think you bring it out in me." He grinned.

You stood normally again and hugged him, burying your face in his neck. He held you close, just savouring the moment, enjoying having you in his arms. Minutes passed and he felt like he could stay like this for hours. "Yoongi?" You asked, voice muffled by his skin.

The tone of your voice had changed suddenly and it made him nervous. "Yeah?" His throat felt dry.

"What happens now?"

The million dollar question, the one he often asked himself in the quiet hours of the morning unable to sleep and unable to stop his overthinking brain spiral with the 'what ifs'. Truthfully, he didn't know. The only thing that seemed to work for your relationship was taking every moment as it comes. No expectations; no disappointment.

"I don't know." He answered honestly.

"We've been so lucky this far. If people find out - "

" - I know."

It goes without saying. Everyone has seen the articles and the vitriol that spreads like wildfire whenever an idol is caught being anything less than perfect. A relationship is certainly out of the question. A relationship with a staff member, absolutely never.

"I don't want to say this." You began. His stomach dropped and all he wanted to do was kiss you into silence so he didn't have to hear the words that were about to follow that ominous sentence. Everything was perfect right now and he didn't want it to be ruined. It had been a long, arduous road to this point.

"Your career is important to me." You continued. "Just because I don't work for you anymore doesn't mean I don't care. I do. Tremendously. That's why I want to see you do well, well all of the boys obviously. Which is why," You lifted your head to look him in the eye. "I don't think we should continue whatever...this is."

He'd be lying to himself if he hadn't expected this at some point, considering everything had felt like some sort of dream so far. He swallowed thickly, trying not to show you how your words had made him almost feel winded. "If that's what you want."

"No!" You protested, shaking your head frantically. "You misunderstand. I don't want that. Not even a part of me wants that. There is so much going on for both of us and we're young enough that we can be a little selfish and focus on work for a bit. Unfortunately we're in an industry where we can't exactly be open about being together. And we're both so busy is it really fair?"

He sighed.

"I think I get it." He said eventually. "It just fucking sucks. I wish I could date you. Y'know, properly. It's funny, when I was a kid I was so shy I never would have spoken to a girl like you." He laughed at himself. "I'd probably be too nervous to date you if you hadn't started working with us and I'd gotten to know you."

"You? Shy?" You scoffed. " No way. I've seen you onstage don't forget. That is not a shy boy, that's a god damn sexy man."

"It's true!" He contested, wide eyed. "I never wanted to perform. I just wanted to make music."

"Yeah? I didn't know that." You smiled fondly. "Where would our first date be do you think?"

"We've already had it." He smirked, thinking back to the concert you went to together and how he'd spent most of the night watching your reactions.

"Please - that doesn't count. I'm talking about the hypothetical world where I meet shy Yoongi."

He laughed a little. "For our first official date I'd take you for dinner somewhere nice," He hummed pausing in thought. "Then maybe a walk along the beach afterwards. I think something out of the city would suit us."

"You're so cute." You kissed his nose. "I agree, away from the city is better."

"Then, I'd want to kiss you at the end of the date. But I'd probably bottle it at the last second and do something awkward instead."

The two of you shared a genuine laugh. "I would have liked to meet him."

"You'll have to settle for me, sorry."

"He's okay I guess." You smiled, kissing him again. "Nice Yoongi."

"So after tonight we're definitely not doing this again?" He asked to confirm. It felt terrible even saying the words aloud.

"It's for the best. Not forever, just...until we're settled. Then we can do it properly right? No sneaking around?"

His stomach lurched but he nodded anyway. That sounded a lot like forever to him. It wasn't fair, he wanted this to run it's course naturally and once again, being an idol was interfering with his life. As thankful as he was for his career, sometimes he yearned for a little normality.

***

Yoongi's not entirely sure how it happened but it doesn't take long for him to be pushing you roughly up against the concrete wall of the stairwell, sliding his hands up and underneath your shirt. It wasn't his intention but he couldn't help himself. If this was the last time he was going to make it count. You had tried to leave but he'd pulled you back to him, desperate to have you once more.

"Not here," You told him breathlessly. He grunted in agreement but didn't stop, shoving a muscled thigh between your legs to give you something to grind on and guided your hips for you. He just wanted to hear you moan for him and you did. "Seriously, not here. Let's go to my room."

It's easy to slip back to your hotel room unnoticed given the lateness of the hour. He's careful to keep his hands off of you until you're safely behind a locked door.

He laid you down on the bed and hovered over you. The bruise he'd sucked into your skin the day before had darkened over night. As he kissed it he smirked. He was going to leave more tonight wherever he could, purple marks that said I was here, here and here. Maybe you'd remember for a while that you were his at one point, in some way shape or form.

"You're going to think about the way I fuck you tonight for months." He smirked into you skin with a smile and he meant it. You groaned out loud at his words, clutching desperately at him. "I promise." He assured, nipping at your ear.

"I do that anyway." You breathed a laugh as he kneeled on his haunches to have better access to rid you of your skin tight jeans. "The amount of times I've touched myself thinking of you..."

Yoongi froze. He peered up at you through the dark hair that hung in his eyes. "Tell me more." He urged. "What do you think about?" Your jeans were gone and your panties soon followed. He slowly ran his hands up the inside of your thighs before spreading them open for him. "Better yet, show me."

He guided your hand between your legs, encouraging you to masturbate for him. The way you shyly bit your lip as if you were nervous made him weak. His thumbs rubbed circles on your inner thighs as he watched your fingers move intently. "Tell me what you think about." He repeated. He wanted to hear it so badly.

"Mostly I," You took a shaky breath, thighs flexing slightly underneath his palms. "I think about you eating me out. A lot."

"Yeah?" He laid down on his stomach and licked a stripe up your cunt next to your working fingers. "I love eating you out." You stopped for a moment but he placed his hand on yours, telling you to keep going so he could watch how wet you were getting for him.

He rested his head on your thigh, gently sucking a bruise on the tender flesh, making you moan out loud. He kissed the forming bruise a few times after he was satisfied, throwing a smirk your way when you realised what he had done.

"Remember the first time we fucked? On the bus?" Yoongi nodded. "I think about that a lot too."

"Why?"

"Because you're so much dirtier than I thought you were." You both laughed a little. "I love it when you fuck me open with your fingers, feels so good. Honestly I just love it when you just hold me down and fuck me, Yoongi."

He tried to hold in the groan that was bubbling in the back of his throat. Right now he had the patience of a saint, because that's all he wanted to do too. He rid himself of his clothing and hovered over you slowly stroked his aching cock as he watched you, desperate for even a little bit of relief.

"Yoongi I want you." You moaned, back arching off the mattress so much so that your breasts pressed against his chest. "Please."

He wanted you too but was only delaying himself so this moment in time could be frozen a little longer. As soon the sex was over, everything was over.

Lacing his hands through each of yours he pressed them down on the bed next to your head as he pushed his stiff length inside of you. It was so warm and tight and wonderful he stilled completely as soon as he was sheathed, just to commit this moment to memory.

He attached his lips to your neck to distract him from the overwhelming sensation that was already beginning to build. "You're so fucking pretty, baby." He mumbled into your skin. He could smell you; your perfume, your natural body scent and he wanted to drown in it, commit it to memory forever. "I'm lucky I ever got to have you like this."

His hips moved of their own accord, thrusting into you. You keened and moaned, squeezing his hands at the sensation. He always loved how responsive you were to his touch. "It feels amazing. So good Yoongi. You're so perfect."

There was too much he wanted to say. He was afraid of spilling every wonderful thing he'd ever thought about you in that moment. This was an ending. A goodbye of sorts. He couldn't. So he focused all his energy into making you feel as good as possible and not on the things he wanted to say.

He touched your clit with his thumb, just how he knew you liked, feeling you tighten around him. There was a sense of pride every time he made you cum, getting to see you at your peak, just for him. He doubted you were had been like this with other partners before.

"Let me see you cum," He husked, gazing down at you. "Just one more time. Cum for me pretty girl."

You responded to his encouragement by whining his name as you clamped around him. He kept going, stimulating you into over sensitivity and only stopping when you clutched at his wrist, signalling you'd had enough.

Yoongi hoisted you up so you were pressed chest to chest, resting back on his haunches. Desperately he kissed you, tasting some of the sweat that had formed on your upper lip. His hands slid down your body, encouraging you to wrap your legs around his waist. He almost felt as if he couldn't get close enough to you.

"You think you can go again?" He breathed against your lips.

"I don't know but I'm happy to try." You smiled breathlessly as you clung to him.

In a flash he had you on your front, knees straddling your thighs as he entered you again. He leaned down, caging you in with his body and pressing you into the mattress. As his hips slapped against your ass he kissed your shoulders sloppily. He wasn't going to last much longer. You felt too good.

"Fuck me just like that Yoongi." You gasped, hands curling in the sheets, gripping them tightly. "Please, please, please."

Fuck, he was going to cum. Before he could he pulled out and squeezed the base of his cock delaying his impending orgasm. You looked at him, brow furrowed in confusion over your shoulder. You tried to push back on him but he stopped you.

"Turn over baby." He groaned. You rolled onto your back, reaching for him. "Don't want to come too soon." He exhaled, pushing back into you. You whimpered.

Yoongi pushed both of your legs together and rested them over his shoulder as he leaned into you. The angle was much deeper than before and he went as hard as he could. "I'm close again Yoongi, I might come like this." You panted.

"Come like this." He almost begged.

"Yoongi." You almost cried. "Yoongi."

It only encouraged him. He wanted you to come without having to touch yourself. The pace he kept was relentless. "Baby, please. Let go for me."

You did. He followed shortly after, holding himself with a hard thrust inside of you, holding himself as deeply in you as possible. "Fuck." He swore against your skin when he came.

You pushed some hair off of his face. "So good." You murmured, nuzzling into him. "So good."

When both of you reluctantly had cleaned up, maintaining some sort of distance you walked him to the door. Kissing him deeply as a depature was a surprise, but he welcomed it nonetheless.

"Yoongi, this isn't goodbye."

He frowned at your words.

"Yoongi this isnt goodbye. It's see you later. I promise."

***

Blearily he walked back to the room he shared with Namjoon, a little worse for wear and a lot exhausted. Normally after a night with you he would be feeling pretty great about now. There was a heavy emptiness he carried with him this time. Everything would be fine, he knew that having been through much worse in his life, but that rationale still didn't stop him from feeling shitty.

He slipped into the room to find Namjoon already up and on the phone, ordering some room service. He nodded to Yoongi in acknowledging hello. Yoongi shrugged off his jacket and shoes, throwing himself on to his twin bed with a long yawn and closed his eyes. Maybe he could have a quick rest before his turn in the shower.

"I ordered you breakfast, I figured you'd be back in time." Namjoon spoke. Yoongi hummed, unable to open his eyes. "Did you sleep at all last night hyung?"

"Nope."

"You're an animal." Namjoon laughed, correctly assuming what his friend had been up to.

"I'll sleep on the plane." Yoongi yawned again, mentally counting how many hours until the flight. If he could make it through the next six he could rest. He needed coffee urgently.

"Do you mind if I shower first?" Namjoon asked.

"Go ahead. If I'm asleep wake me up when you get out." Yoongi rolled onto his side, curling into a ball. He desperately wanted to quell the ache in his chest, chastising himself for being ridiculous. He found himself dozing off as he heard the soothing sound of the shower start to run.

It felt like thirty seconds had passed when Namjoon shook him awake, but one look at the clock told him it had been close to thirty minutes. Even though he'd requested the wake up call he still grumbled as he groggily sat up. "I'm going to shower."

"Breakfast will be here in about five."

Yoongi nodded and went to the bathroom. He washed and brushed his teeth quickly, eager to get to the coffee that was due imminently. When he returned to the room Namjoon was setting up the food for the two of them.

"Need coffee." Yoongi muttered, going straight for a mug and the pot.

"You're so grouchy when you're tired." Namjoon teased. Which in all fairness was true, but he was grouchy for more reasons than lack of sleep. He was going to have to explain to Namjoon sooner or later, the prospect of which made him feel embarrassed.

They said nothing else as they ate. Yoongi looked at his phone, caught up on some messages and emails he'd missed while with you.

"Y/N ended things with me." Yoongi eventually said. Namjoon looked at him in surprise he went to speak but Yoongi stopped him. "It's for the best. Yes I'm fine, no I don't want to talk about it."

"I..." Namjoon hesitated, confused. "Okay."

"I don't really feel like telling everyone else so if you could, yknow if it comes up. It's not a big deal."

"Sure." Namjoon was still looking at him peculiarly. "Whatever you need."

"It really isn't a big deal."

"I know, you said so."

Yoongi didn't know who he was trying to convince, himself or his friend. He couldn't wait to be on the flight and unconscious for twelve hours.

***

It was business as usual when he landed in Seoul. They had the afternoon off before a night time practice session. Yoongi was thankful to be thrown straight into the deep end with work, it was a welcome distraction. If Namjoon had told the others about you and him, he didn't know. Either way no one mentioned you and for that he was grateful. In time he'd forget and move on.

He didn't entirely trust nor believe you when you said this was on hold, not over. It would be in his best interests to assume it was done for good, he told himself. He'd pined and lusted after you for so long now, he wasn't going to do it anymore. He couldn't allow himself the luxury of that interference. Music came first now, always.

You promised to stay in touch but he wasn't going to hold his breath. Not because he assumed you disliked him but because he knew first hand how busy you were at the moment. A new boy group to manage doesn't leave a lot of free time for a social life, especially with someone who was as busy as yourself. So for now, being your friend was good enough. He wouldn't go back to being cold to you, he'd be the nice, shy Yoongi he promised you he was.

***

The first time he heard from you was through text. Roughly one month after LA. He wasn't expecting it.

from: y/n i'm watching your live stream ;-) nice sweater vest, you look like my dad

He didn't normally look at his phone during his solo lives, so he only received the text after he'd already turned off the connection. He laughed at the text before sending you a reply, defending his taste in fashion. You didn't reply to that text.

The next few weeks turned into months and you remained in contact solely through text.

from: y/n a little birdie @ bighit told me you're going to be blonde for the comeback send me pics!

from: yoongi who spilled? ��[ i m a g e  s e n t ]

from: y/n cute cute cute i love it

from: yoongi your turn to send me a pic not bc i miss your face.  I just forgot what you look like

from: y/n [ i m a g e  s e n t ]

from: yoongi there she is now i remember

from: yoongi: you're going to be at the MAMA's?

from: y/n yup

from: yoongi if u get time come say hi

***

"Let me get this straight. You went from hating her, to sleeping with her, to sort of dating, then not dating and now you're constantly flirting with each other through text? My head hurts."

Yoongi looked at Seokjin and shrugged, as they both towelled the sweat off their brows after performing. Waiting in the wings of the stage until it was time to return to their seats. He didn't really have a good explanation for it either. In his mind he was just being friendly. Not that he would speak to every one of his female friends like this. Yoongi double checked to make sure no one could overhear them.

"We're just friends. You all talk to her as well." He defended.

"Not like that I don't." Seokjin smirked. "As if she sends me selfies. Don't think I didn't clock that one. Come on, Yoongi hyung."

"It's complicated." Yoongi sighed, accepting defeat. "I don't think her and I can be just friends but I'm trying."

"It's complicated because of all the loooooove." He laughed, nudging Yoongi with his elbow, who then proceeded to swat at him like he was a pestering insect.

"Shut up." He grumbled.

"She's here tonight, I passed her earlier but she was on the phone." Jin informed him. Yoongi knew that already. "I bet you end up in bed together again. Both of you are fooling yourselves."

Yoongi rolled his eyes and took that as his cue to leave the conversation. A tiny, deeply hidden part of him hoped that would be the case but he wouldn't dare allow himself to feel that. Hope was a dangerous thing.

He wonders if you're feeling as much anticipation and trepidation as he does. Even that thought creates a knot in his stomach.

"Hey blondie." He knew it was you before he looked, turning on his heel to face you. You ruffled his newly blonde locks with a grin.  "You were amazing tonight."

"Thanks." He broke out into a genuine smile, fixing his now mussed up hair. "How've you been?"

"Busy. Good." You answered, returning his smile. It had been months since he'd seen you and he cursed himself for getting so excited just being in your general vicinity. He was supposed to be moving in the other direction. The getting over you for good direction. You waved at Seokjin over his shoulder before your phone chimed with an incoming message. "I've got to run, but we'll be at the BigHit building later? See you there?"

"Yeah, sure."

You're gone as quick as you had appeared, leaving Yoongi dumbstruck in your wake.

Yoongi never saw you that night after everything. Bangtan had won a total of five awards, so he was on a high and looking to celebrate with everyone. He texted you but was left on read with no response. At the very least he had expected a response of congratulations, but his inbox remained empty.

Seokjin was wrong about you ending up together, and Yoongi was disappointed. He should have known better.

*** Time off is a rarity, so to have five entire weeks of schedule free days ahead of him had Yoongi excited. Personal projects that had taken a back seat were now finally able to be a priority for him and he was looking forward to holing himself in the studio for a few days and making some progress. Namjoon and Jimin were going travelling while the rest of the boys were going home to their families.

He had only vague plans to visit his own family but when his mother sent a guilt inducing text, Yoongi made those plans concrete. Nothing like a mother's disappointment to motivate you. He knew he needed to make more of an effort.

Daegu still always felt like home, no matter how long he had been away. Even just the smell of his house (usually whatever his mom was cooking combined with fresh laundry and flowers) made him feel comfortable. His mom gave him a bone crushing hug the instant she first saw him. He definitely had left it too long this time. Yoongi made a mental note to visit more.

It felt good to have a family meal. He remembered sadly that the last time he had shared a table with his parents had been his grandfather's funeral. It wasn't often that Yoongi thought he worked too much or too hard, but he certainly wondered now.

He forced his mother to relax while he washed the dishes, knowing how tirelessly she worked to provide for her family. He just wanted to do something nice for her, however minor or insignificant it seemed to him he knew she would appreciate it.

Yoongi's mother essentially pushed him out the door when he tried to clean the entire kitchen. He had plans with some childhood friends (not that he was particularly excited about them) and his mom knew. She yelled at him with a laugh to go enjoy himself and stop re-arranging her kitchen. Somewhat reluctantly he trudged to the bar he'd agreed to meet at.

They'd been coming to this place since Yoongi was sixteen. As soon as they realised they could get away with buying beer and not having to show ID it became a regular hang out spot for him and his friends. It's not the most amazing place he's ever been to but there's a sense of nostalgia here now that keeps them all coming back.

A quick scan of the room enabled Yoongi to spot Jongdae, sat in the back right corner of the somewhat busy bar. He weaved through the tables, greeting his old friend with a hug when he reached him.

"Even though you're so famous now you haven't changed a bit." Jongdae laughed, patting him on the back. Yoongi merely shook his head with a smile. "There's something I have to tell you - Ara's coming tonight."

"What?" Yoongi frowned, confused. "Does she know I'm - ?"

"Yeah. She knows."

Ara was Yoongi's one and only official girlfriend he'd ever had in his life. They had met in school and dated on an off for years before going separate ways. There was never any animosity between them, but there certainly was no love lost on his part either. He couldn't even remember the last time he spoke to her. He could remember her crying her eyes out when he ended things however. It still made him feel like a total dick, even to this day.

Ara was an adult who just happened to be a part of his childhood friend group. Yoongi was sure she'd moved on. He wasn't in the mood for a stifled awkward evening.

When she arrived she had Jonghyun and Jun in tow. Jongdae beckoned them over to the table. Ara gave Yoongi a polite hello and he relaxed, tension of anticipating an awkward arrival dissipating.

Most of the conversation was centred on him, much to his dismay. Yoongi was an idol and his friends found joy in playfully mocking him.

"He isn't even wearing makeup for us, guess we're not that special." Jongdae teased, squinting at Yoongi's face and pretending to look for traces of non existent foundation.

"Ah, fuck off." Yoongi couldn't help but grin. "You don't understand how irritating wearing makeup is."

"You would know." Jun laughed. Yoongi didn't miss Ara's laugh either.

"Idol life isn't easy." Jongdae mocked. "Just being rich and adored all the time. God, how awful."

"I wish," Yoongi scoffed. "At least you can have a girlfriend without everyone hating you." He said before he could think, alcohol loosening his tongue. Ara looked at him curiously.

"True, true." Jongdae agreed. "You must date a little though? On the down low?"

"I did for a while. It's hard." Yoongi sighed, cursing himself for putting a damper on the conversation. He needed to stop talking before he revealed too much.

"You're single now?" Ara asked, taking him by surprise.

"Yeah." He nodded. "I'm single."

***

He was an idiot for ending up in this situation. This is why I don't drink went through his head as he followed Ara into her home, her fingers laced through his to guide him where she wanted him. He wasn't drunk, he knew what he was doing, he'd just had enough alcohol to lower his inhibitions. Ara was a warm, willing body who wanted him and Yoongi was lonely.

Thoughts of you were creeping into his subconscious and he shook his head, as if to clear his mind. No. He couldn't and wouldn't think of you now. You didn't want him and Ara did. He'd be a fool to even consider you in this moment. Yet he couldn't help himself, memories flashing before his eyes. Like reverse psychology. The more he didn't want to think of you the more he did.

When Ara's lips touched his cock his eyes squeezed shut, willing the image of your lips around him away.  A horrible, gut wrenching thought entered his mind - the idea that you might be doing this with someone else right now and he felt sick. He gripped on to Ara's hair as if to anchor himself to reality. The reality that it was not you who he was in bed with.

It took him forever to cum, despite the enthusiasm Ara gave to the blow job. He was too much in his own head, drowning in memories. If she was offended she didn't show it, much to his relief. Yoongi did his best to get her off as well, not that he had much desire to but he wasn't selfish.

He snuck out of her room before sunrise, feeling a mixture of shame and remorse. All he wanted to do was go home and shower.

He thought about you several times on the walk to his house and wondered if the feeling was mutual. Maybe you were just better at compartmentalizing than he was. Yoongi was a textbook overthinker. He was struggling and admitting it to himself as he stumbled through the streets at 5am felt pathetic. Maybe he should have fought harder for you.

MASTERLIST

[pirlaemeritus]

First Ritual Experience: taint tickling in Mantova.

Two days ago I finally got the chance to see Ghost live for the first time. I had such a great night, it was really an outstanding concert, which I had been waiting for for months, so I was super excited about it. My boyfriend offered to come with me to Mantova (Italy) to see them, and it was really nice of him, since 1) he had never heard of Ghost before, and 2) Mantova is about a 3 hour drive from where we live. I was a little afraid that he would have gotten bored, since he didn’t know any of the songs or anything about Ghost in general, so I tried to give him something to listen to, to see if he liked it. Though he fell in love with Prequelle, going to a Ritual was still a pretty daunting experience for him, but I really appreciate that he came with me anyways. 

We both ended up having a great time! He was really curious about all the lore around the Cardinal, the Papas and the Ghouls and I did my best to explain to him without sounding like too much of a dork or a weird ass cult member. But besides of this, I was excited to see what reaction could a full Ghost concert cause on someone like him. Therefore, I collected all the best moments from the Ritual, as a kind of a social experiment (?), but also because I don’t want to forget any of them. 

Here we go:

- before going to the show, he saw me putting on makeup and asked me to help him apply some eyeliner, saying “I already have enough dark circles to look like the cardinal, I might as well copy his look properly”.

- when the lights turned on at the beginning of the concert, he didn’t notice the presence of the Ghouls at first, because they were standing still on the stage and got scared when they started moving around because he had no idea they were there.

- when Copia came out on the stage with the red suit on, the first thing he noticed was literally his thiccness, saying that “it’s just not fair”.

- “Is... is he trying to finger the microphone stand?”

- he felt sorry for Aether when Dew started bullying him and called Dew “a mean grasshopper”.

- he kept asking me where the female choir voices were coming from, and when I pointed out the presence of the Ghoulettes (they were kind of far from us, and you couldn’t really see that their masks were different), he was absolutely astonished to find out that there were also girls in the group.

- we were not close to the stage enough to see Copia kneeling down to Cirice someone, so I decided to be a romantic dork and Ciriced my boyfriend. I’m sure I’m not half as charming as Copia or Papa III, but I swear I have never seen anyone looking both so flustered and confused at the same time. It was absolutely adorable.

- he screamed “YES GRANDPA!” during Nihil’s saxophone solo. He had no idea who Nihil was before this.

- when Copia came on the stage wearing the white suit, he claimes he looked “unsettling yet charming”. I’m pretty sure the Cardinal would have appreciated.

- he saw the Plague Doctors roaming on the stage before Dance Macabre started and with the most serious voice, he said “Amazing. I guess we’re going to die”.

- he took a shit ton of pictures during Dance Macabre’s performance, because of the rainbow-colored lights, which he said fitted with everything that I had ever told him about Ghost.

- since he had never heard Year Zero before, he was totally not expecting the crowd to explode screaming “HAIL SATAN!” , and after trying to get over the shock, he stated “My grandma would be so proud”.

- he got scared by the pyrotechnic stage effects and said “I could feel my eybrows catch fire, how are they not dead yet”.

- “I have never met this Sister Imperator that you keep talking about, but she sounds terrifying”.

- he had the most confused look during Copia’s speech about taint tickling, ass wobbling and nipples in general, but he kept laughing as well, so I guess it’s not a bad thing.

- (Referring to Copia)  “I love that he’s so obsessed with nipples. I want to have a conversation with him”

- during Kiss The Go-Goat, he asked me what Dewdrop and Aether could be bickering about, and when I told him about the meaning of the song, he said he would definitely go for Aether, since “that other one looks like the spawn of Satan”.

- he hugged me super thight during He Is. I don’t really have a reason to add this moment to the list, but I want to share it anyways, because it felt so special to me.

- when I introduced him to every band member, I told him to keep an eye on Swiss, since he is so fun to look at when he’s performing. After a while, he stated that he’s “a little slutty, but like, in a really intimidatory way” and I guess he’s right.

- he was super hyped up for the Ghoulettes, and screamed “YOU GO BEYONCE!” during Mummy Dust’s keytar solo. I honestly don’t know what he was trying to say, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.

- he was really sad that I wasn’t able to catch the guitar pick that Aether threw at us (it hit my arm and fell on the floor, but the guy that was next to me picked it up before I could find it), so after the concert was over, he went around the pit, trying to find something else. He ended up finding two Ghost dollars, which made me really happy.

- after we had come back from the concert venue to our hotel, he kept looking at his own butt in the mirror and asked me if I will ever love him as much as I love Copia, even if he’s not as thicc as he is.

- when I told him about how, according to the lore, Sistor punched Nihil and gave him and his sons a white eye, he nodded and said “If she’s badass around to fuck up your genetics, you know it’s going to be a damn strong marriage”

I guess that’s it! I’m sure there are a lot of things that I forgot to add, but this is everything that I can list off for now! I’m so glad that my boyfriend enjoyed the show as much as I did, it was nice to see the ritual from a different perspective. I am also super grateful to him for choosing to come with me, and I’m so happy to hear that he had fun too. We had an amazing night in Mantova, and I can’t wait to see another Ghost concert as soon as possible!

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Nighttime

1. What does it mean when your second toe is longer than your first toe? ...I don't know? 2. What is the robot maids name on The Jetsons? Rosie. 3. Gap band or Earth Wind and Fire? Idk wtf Gap band is, so. 4. Something that give you goosebumps? People biting into ice. 5. If you could have one body part removed and replaced with a bionic part what would it be? Nah, I'm good. 6. First arm you take out of your shirt? Both, I just pull it over my head. 7. Name someone who makes you smile just by them smiling? My kiddos. 8. Favorite flavor Slurpee? None. 9. Favorite P word? Phenomenal. 10. What was the name on the belt you got whoopins wit as a child? My parents didn't spank me. 11. If you could trade places with any rich person of a different ethnicity, who would it be? What a weird fucking question. I guess Beyonce? 12. Do you wash your hands in the shower? Uhm, technically? 13. Cite a quote from your mom? "Just kidding!" When she says something really fucking rude and notices I'm offended. 14. Would you prefer someone blowing smoke in your face or a crying baby? Someone blowing smoke in my face. 15. Whose better, Quentin Tarantino or Steven Spielberg? I like Tarantino better, but their styles are completely different. 16. Roaches or rats? Rats. 17. Finish this sentence: If i just had _______, life would be grand!? A billion dollars. 18. Favorite cartoon movie? Mulan 19. Name something everyone tells you that you need to get rid of? Idk. 20. Favorite fad of the 80's? Probably punk 21. What time did you have to be in the bed as a kid? 9 22. Name an alternate use for electrical tape? Fixing your glasses 23. Name a word you weren't allowed to say as a child? Curse words... 24. Last time you got caught staring at someone? Idk, I don't make a habit of staring at people. 25. Favorite Indiana Jones movie? Raiders of the Lost Ark. 26. Ever put on a pair of dirty underwear? No. 27. Do you know who Piles the Beaver is? Nope? 28. What do you want for Christmas? Eyeshadow pallets, money. 29. Last time you used Tussy? Wut 30. Ever gave yourself a black eye? No 31. Do you light your fireworks while holding them? I've never lit a firework 32. Last time you played curb ball? Wut 33. If you could see the last person who posted this in any outfit what would it be? Idk them. 34. How far can you get on Duck Hunt? I usually failed after the 2nd round, I was pretty young. 35. Name an alternate use for hair grease? Idk. 36. How many abs do you have? Zero. 37. If you could set fires with your mind what would you burn up? My cigarettes lol 38. Mint Condition or Jodeci? Idk who Mint Condition is, so. 39. Name a nightly ritual you perform? I don't really have one. 40. Solitaire or Freecell? Both. 41. Who was your first prom date? Marshal. 42. Do you still talk to your first love? He's my kids' dad, so yes. 43. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Fuzzy Peach wine cooler. 44. What was your first job? Cashier at Babies R Us. 45. What was your first car? 2004 Isuzu Rodeo. 46. Who was the first person to text you today? I think it was Kelsi or my mom. 47. Who is the first person you thought of this morning? My mom, because I remembered I needed to tell her she didn't have to take the kids to school this morning because their dad was. Not having a car right now sucks. 48. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Ateman. 49. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Florida. 50. When you snuck out of your house the first time who was it with? Phillip, probably? 51. Who was your FIRST best friend and are you still friends with them? Sammi. I see her once in a while at the T, but I wouldn't say we're friends. 52. Where was your first sleep over? At Amber's house. 53. Who was the first person you talked to this morning? My mother. 54. Whose wedding were you in the first time? Actually in? My sister's first wedding. Well, technically my mom's because she was pregnant with me lol 55. What was the first thing you did this morning? Called my mom. 56. What was the first concert you ever went to? Spice Girls! 57. First tattoo or piercing? My first piercing was my ears, my first tattoo was a heart with an infinity symbol through it. It's my only basic white girl tattoo, and it's shitty af lol 58. First foreign country you went to? Mexico 59. Who was your first kiss? Scott 60. When was your first detention? In high school 61. What was the first state you lived in? Texas 62. Who was the first person to break your heart? Scott lol 63. Who will be the first to repost this? Idk.

[suckitsurveys]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? No.

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Last week. I am extremely grateful to have access to a pool this summer. It’s at my sister’s mother in law’s. She lets my sister and her daughters use it while she’s at work and I tag along too.  2. Do you like to party? I love throwing parties. Not like, huge drunk ragers, but bday parties are my specialty.  3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I’ve been social distancing myself from them for almost 10 years, so. 4. Are you a virgin? Nope. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? My dad likes Mark.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I am married to my crush.  7. Is your best friend dating anyone? One is. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s an olive green shirt with the Route 66 logo on it. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I really don’t care. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I do that 99.99% of the time. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On myself? My stomach. 12. Would people describe you as happy? Not currently.  13. Are you single? Nope. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Nah. 15. Do you have Tumblr? I really only use it for this, which I also haven’t done in a while either.

16. What about Xanga? Aww, RIP Xanga. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Yes. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? Most of my college professors.  19. Ever shopped at Sephora? I think I’ve been in one before? 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? I mean, I’d be pretty shocked and hurt. 21. Do you have any university plans? Lol. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? Support her?  23. What are your views on sex? Be safe! Always get consent! 24. Do sexual questions bother you? No. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? Uh, what? 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? Yeah. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Yeah, I don’t see too much of it anymore. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? Yes. 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? I did that once oops. 30. What’s the last book you read? I’m still working on a couple. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? Sure. 32. What is your last name? No. 33. What grade are you in? No. 34. What school do you go to? No. 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? Summer and early fall.  36. Favorite Color? Purples and blues. 37. Are your parents together? My father is widowed.  38. Any siblings? I have an older sister. 39. Favorite subject? Eh.

40. Least favorite subject? Eh. 41. Favorite song? I could never just choose one. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 200 something. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? Probably. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah. 46. Have a Formspring? No. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Take them and sell them :P 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Waterpark. Ughhhhhhhhh I miss waterparks so much. It’s so weird to not be going this summer. 49. Been to Disney world? Nope. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Sounds like one of those things where people post a random status from a list of things that will likely get people’s attention and whoever comments on it is privately sent said list of thing and they then choose something to post as their status and so on. That was a popular game thing on Facebook years ago. <---Yeah, that. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? I doubt Will Arnett knows I’m in love with him. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? No. 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yes. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Yeah. 56. Ever watched The Hills? No. 57. What about Jersey Shore? Yes. 58. Ever called someone a slut? I’ve said that jokingly to friends. 59. What do you think of short shorts? You do you. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? Nope. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? Yes. 62. What about a B? Yes. 63. And a C? Yes. 64. How about a D? Yeah. 65. Ever skived? What’s that? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? I’d say somewhere in the middle. I had friends, but I wasn’t “popular” by any means. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? Most are older.  68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yes. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? Oops. 70. Ever watched porn? Yes. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? I drove with out a seat belt (for a few blocks) and jay walked oops.  72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? On work days, yes. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Wednesdays.  74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? No. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? No. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? I’ve always had a special bond with my dad. I love my mom, but we butt heads a lot when I was a teenager. I feel like our bond was getting stronger just before she died and I’m really sad we don’t get to know each other as we got older.  78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nooo. I have zero talent. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Will Arnett, Paul Rudd, John Mulaney, Andy Samberg, Ezra Koenig 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, Lana Del Rey, Alia Shawkat, Kat Dennings 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Ha, no. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? No. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? Idk what that is in US dollars but I don’t usually buy lip gloss, so. 86. Are you opinionated? I can be. 87. Do you have a favorite store? Sure. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? I used to in grade school. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? I have one pair of “boyfriend” jeans that I don’t really like.  90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? Hello, pandemic? 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? I don’t know. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? I don’t care? 94. Own a pair of converse? Yes. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? There was. 96. If yes, are you one of them? Never. 97. Do you text in class? I have. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? Target. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” Fuck that shit. “Plus” implies that there is a standard size. 100. Do you want to lose weight? I’d like to be healthier.  101. Ever seen a therapist? No, but I should. 102. Ever watched porn? You asked me this.  103. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yes. 104. A facebook message? Yes. 105. A poke? I always ignored those. That was a dumb feature Facebook had. 106. A friend request? Yeah. I don’t accept a request from anyone I don’t know, but I have it set up where you can’t add me unless you are friends with someone I am friends with.  107. Would you say you read into things too much? Yepppp. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? I don’t know. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) Eh. 110. Ever been called a bully? No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes. 112. Ever gone to church? I went to a Lutheran high school and we used to have “chapel” every first full school day of the week (usually mondays). That was kind of a church service. And one time I spent the night at a friends house on a Saturday and was blindsided the next morning when her parents were like “okay time for church!” 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? Absolutely not! 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? Yes and no. 115. What do you want to do with your life? Lol.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? My roots right now are basically a really dirty blonde. And my tips were black but they are pretty brown right now. And hair inbetween is mint green lol. Pandemic hair ftw. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I’ll probably be Princess Carolyn again. Or just a bat, since I have both of those costumes.  118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? With my nieces, but we probably won’t be able to go this year :(  119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? Yes. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I have. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? Yeah. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? Oh god, it’s been a while. I Love You Man, I think? 124. Last TV Show? Property Brothers, lol.  125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? They wouldn’t.  126. Ever been called a whore? Jokingly. 127. Are you american? Yes. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? Yeah. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? Uh huh. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? Yes. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? No one has said that to me in a very long time. I don’t recall being bothered by it, though. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? Um, yes? Why couldn’t I? 133. Ever had the lead in a play? Not the lead, no. 134. What about a solo in a concert? Nope. 135. What kind of a student are you? I did okay in grade and high school. 136. Worst subject? All of college. 137. Best subject? Not college. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? Yeah. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Seeing as she’s dead, yeah, a little. 140. How late do you sleep in? On work days I sleep until the absolutely last minute, right before we are supposed to check in for a daily meeting at 7:10am, lol. And on weekends or days off I normally don’t sleep past 10.   141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? A little. I brighten up my face and smooth it out. Sue me.  142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? All my friends are beautiful in their own ways.  143. Do you believe in love? Yes.  144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Didn’t you ask this? 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” It just seems kinda pointless cause they likely won’t see it. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Yes.  147. Are you going into High School this year? Nooooo. Thank goodness. I did my time and graduated over 10 years ago. 148. What about Junior High? Omg, no. I’m old. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? Ugh, anything.  150. Where did you find this note? @lovemesomesurveys 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? None. 

[nyruratchet]

Time...

“...Why you punish me?”

So, I explained last time the situation regarding the creation of my music...monetarily. But let me explain and expand on how my time is utilized on a monthly basis.

If I haven’t made it clear, I hate my job. But here’s the thing, it’s flexible (for the most part), has benefits: (insurance, free-ish air travel, scheduled pay increases). Cons: passengers are allowed to treat crew like shit, always working with new people (that you may not mesh well with), anyone you try establishing a relationship with has pre-conceived notions/little to no faith you will ever be around, pay SUCKS until you get REALLY senior (7+), and...more, but I digress. But that flexible schedule, albeit limited, has afforded me the ability to work on music; until it doesn't. 

See, I was getting “comfortable” in my work situation a few years ago until certain a situation beyond my control forced me into deep debt, bad credit, and deeper depression. In order to fix all of this, money is needed. How do u get money? Work more. More work leads to more depression and sometimes health issues. So, I’ve been stuck in this seamlessly endless cycle of paycheck to paycheck living. And my desire and NEED to work on my music has not helped it (as explained in the previous blog post). Every time I get a bit more money, it goes to my craft. 

See, after you put all that money into creating art, you have to then put it OUT there. And in the case of a performer, you need to do live performances. That is a whole other situation in itself. There are lots avenues to get live performance experience. Open mics, concert showcases, live cabaret/karaoke bars, etc. Guess what THEY ALL COST MONEY. But not only money, LOTS of excess time is involved. 

This past spring, I was dragged into a showcase by my producer friend (who I’m partially in love with but he’s straight...but that’s another story). In order to do a showcase, you have to apply for acceptance. Applications involve you submitting current work and having a worthy social media following (which you have had to spend constant time building). Once you fill out the application, send the files and info, PAY your entry fee ($25) and receive your acceptance, you then have to sell tickets. Yes, how do they get people to come to the showcase? By having YOU bring them. And if you cannot find people to buy your tickets, all of those tickets come out of YOUR pocket. So, I was given 25 tickets to sell (last minute mind you); 25 tickets to sell at $20 bucks each. So, if I don't sell them, I owe the company $500 dollars. Yup, that’s correct. In order for me to perform my original content on their stage, I needed to make sure they got their $525 and help them get people in the venue so that they buy drinks at the bar (which we were given ZERO drink tickets for). Now before stepping on stage, you don’t get a sound check. So, you show up early before everyone to check in and simply check they have your correct music file(s) then wait...and wait...and wait. But your music has to be edited within their restrictions (this means more studio time. Remember, studio time =more $$...just making sure ur following me. Too many times you’ll hear big recording artists talking about how they have just sat in studios for hours creating a song from scratch. Yeah, only if you are signed to major label is this a thing! But anyway...back to the showcase.) 

Needless to say, I did everything I needed to. But I had some help since I asked to do this last minute and told them UP FRONT they would have had to get that unsold ticket money from me in blood. I landed from working a redeye the day before, got a nap in, did my vocal exercises in my car on my way to New Jersey, checked in and sat there. Since some people didn't show up on TIME, I was abruptly grabbed from drinking my whiskey at the bar and told “YOU’RE ON NEXT!”  Being the seasoned professional that I am, took that shot to the head, said “Actually, that’s not my slot...but ok, I’m ready.” NO SOUND CHECK, NEVER given TIME on the stage beforehand...I went on. Sung my ass off with a standing ovation from the judges. Then, went back to drinking with my friends who were in shock because they had never heard me really sing live. Then I had sit for HOURS while mediocre “rappers” and “singers” rapped over pre-recordings of their own vocals. Finally, they were ready to announce the winners. I won that sucker.

But what did I win? ...A promise to be put into another show... *DICK FACE*  No money to recoup what I just spent getting to this moment. No free promotion on social media to help me and my art. NO, some bullshit. So, I took the experience fore what it was and cut my losses. I got some exposure and was able to test out an unreleased song...but besides that. Nothing but wasted time and effort. I left there feeling somewhere between elation and disappointment. Not to mention, I was exhausted; I had done all this after working my full time job, and had to work again the next day. So all I had time to do was drive home and sleep. 

“Like a wave bashing into the shore...

Since this, I have had some money issues and mental health issues, so I have just barely been able to work on music. On my days off, I have to sleep and get back in the groove of being a real person instead of a redeye zombie. Then when I’m feeling slightly normal, I’m back to work...it is a vicious, irritating, restraining cycle. I’ve tried working shorter flights so I’m home more; nope, the pairings (schedules) for those flights work you in a way that leaves you feeling raped. My company will build a pairing with a duty time of 27hrs and only pay you for 15-17 of those hours. DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Then on top of that, your rest time at the hotel is set to 11hrs...WTF?? 

Let me explain this for those of you with normal jobs. On these pairings, you are schedule to work a number of flights each day. So, 3 day pairing means you work 3-4 flights each day and have 2 layovers. Now lets say FLIGHT time is 1.5-2.5 hrs each (8-12hrs). Then you land from your final flight for day one. We’re usually delayed at our carrier...honestly, rarely on time. So, you have minimum rest at 11hrs. BUT, before you can leave the aircraft we have to get all passengers off the plane, CLEAN the seats, wait on our shuttle which is probably late if your pilots are sucky human beings and haven’t called ahead to make sure they’re there (Pilots aren’t required to clean; just us lowly peasants). So, by the time you get to the hotel, down to 10hrs. If you get there and rooms are ready, great. IF NOT, another 20-30 min or longer. But, lets say you’re down to 9.5hrs now. Get to your room. Hopefully your key works, air/heat works, no one is already in you room (yes...it happens all the time), room already cleaned, no bed bugs, and you aren’t by a noisy ice machine/elevator. You then have to shower and eat. Let’s say you get all that done in an hour. You now have 8.5 hrs to sleep...BUT WAIT, the van is scheduled to pick you up from the hotel 45 min to an hour before you are supposed to report at the airport and you need to be dressed and ready to make that van. So instead of 8.5hrs, you actually have 7hrs at best to sleep and pop outta bed, get dressed and properly ready to do the shit show all over again; all the while, knowing they are really only paying you for the time you spend on the aircraft, AFTER THE DOOR IS CLOSED AND THE BRAKE IS RELEASED. Time before like boarding, checks, delays? nope...no pay. Just us waisting our fucking time. Literally.

Why, is this? cuz everyone does it is the answer. That is how all airlines do it, so you have no leg to stand on. Got a union, the company retaliates like a reprimanded toddler. Now as I said before, once you get to be a super senior in your company and can choose what you want to work, when you want to work, in the position you want to work, getting $40/hr at base hours and a crazy amount for premium (overtime) hour, etc. the job is GOLDEN. (Unless that company gets purchased/merged.) But for a young person/flight attendant in debt, living in NYC, with a high cost of living, life ain’t fun. I tried living in New Jersey for a lower cost; that came with its own issues. I’ve taken out loans, became a hermit to save money, worked holidays, etc. Dug my hole deeper is what I did. And I’m pretty good at setting goals and managing my time and getting things DONE. But for some fucking reason, life is not working in my favor. This job is not working for me. I see younger people coming up behind me doing LITTLE to no work, getting musical accolades with trash “music” (I know, matter of opinion...but really. C’mon now), young white/latino/asian twinks shaking their ass for anything that breathes and getting rich men to pay their bills or marry them, all the while telling me they just want my BBC or other racist BS like that (Yes, I have receipts) and I’m just like WTF AM I DOING WRONG?! Have I spent my time stupidly? 

And the most recent shit that really hurt my feelings: If any of you remember (to the three of you reading this lol), a few months ago I posted about help getting into bartending. Well, I had actually asked a friend in person before that about bartending and if he knew any directors who could do a music video. This “friend” told me “no, not really”. Didn’t know anything about that, he just does movies and short films (which I’ve donated to his kickstarters for btw...) but no one who he thinks does music videos. THEN, I asked this same “FRIEND” how much he would charge to be IN a music video, as I had a song (the one I won the showcase with) that he would be perfect for as it deals with subject matter he rallies for. I wanted to help his career out in turn by help my video out, because I’m ugly and having beautiful actors in my video would be a better sell (as again, I need this song to make money. He then tells me me, he’s not sure how much he would charge for that. SEVERAL MONTHS LATER...this bitch releases a music VIDEO to his NEW SINGLE about a SIMILAR SUBJECT!! Without promotion, he gets instant 2.2k hits on the video on youtube. MIND YOU, he would always be shy to sing around me and I told him, “you need to give yourself more credit. You have a beautiful voice.” Meanwhile, I’m asking for some knowledge from him, and he wouldn’t help me with ANYTHING. I have NEVER asked for a hand out. Just tell me where the door is, I will get in even if I have to pick the lock. But he not only pretended he didn’t know where the door was, he was holding the keys, had lock picks on the side and duplicates to share; But, for whatever reason...didn’t want to share that with me. Even though, I was going to include him in MY art without any thought and was willing to pay. Now, I have some thoughts on why he did this. But seeing as I’m on the verge of tears, I’ll end on that note.

...You wash away my dreams.”

[romantic-barista]

For funsies for that ask anonymously or not ask: all of them

“For funsies”... fuck you lmao. j-just kidding.

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

- closed. 

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

- nope!

(3) Can You Whistle?

- yeah, but not like melodic whistling.

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

- Singing in the Rain by LOONA’s JinSoul.

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

- Orange! 

(6) Relationship Status.

- Complicated, to say the least currently.

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

- It is currently 72F/22C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

- No, just woke up DEAD tired.

(9) How Many Followers?

- Like, 65? I keep blocking people tho, since they’re bots.

(10) Zodiac Sign.

- Gemini! 

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

- Emerald.

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

- No, but I do have a face moisturizer with vitamins in it??

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

- Sometimes, depends on where I’m showering!

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

- Currently, NONE.

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

- “on November 24, 1950, he announced that the offensive would soon bring the war to an end” (Groupthink, Irving Janis 2nd edition) ... I have mostly books from my old classes, but this one was a gift from my grandfather since it’s on one of my favorite communication theories.

(16) Favourite Anime?

- ... hmm, I have a lot I really like but my all-time favs are Higurashi, Umineko, and Fate/Zero.

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

- I think... my best friend? Well, kinda. I cried messaging him?? Technically, my cats were actually physically there.

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

- Figures, wall scrolls, art prints, and plushies. 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

- A “bragel” (breakfast bagel) at work. Cinnamon vanilla bagel, strawberry cream cheese, ham, and cheese. (haha, suck it Wil. I’ll eat my nasty bagel, you can’t stop me now lmao)

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

- I do, especially to embarrass my younger cousin Caleb.

(21) Favourite Animal?

- Sharks, cats, and jellyfish are my top three.

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

- No, I don’t really like watching all the events, but I do sometimes go and watch old ice skating videos.

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

- Lately, anywhere from 1AM to 5AM, since I’ve been talking to @xero-xenos until I fall asleep.

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

- Nope! Forgot to wash my face this morning, so no make up. 

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

-  I like swimming in both, but an ocean is more fun to relax at since you can sunbathe in the sand 

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

- @scribbledstars, @novice-heartbreaker, @weissrose and @shinobu-is-daijoubu are some of my favorites! 

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

- Bottled. I hate our tap water, it tastes like lead.

(28) What Makes You Happy?

- Compliments??? Idk, a lot does. Easier to list shit that doesn’t! 

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

- With, because studying gets boring.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

- Both, but I love cats a little bit more! 

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

-  Sunset Orange #FE4C40, Yellow-Orange #FFAE42, Jazzberry Jam #A50B5E, or Wild Strawberry #FF3399, honestly.

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

- Playstation, for sure. But my xbox one controller for steam is growing on me.

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

- Lake, it’s closer to swim in Lake Michigan lol.

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

- Not really, but I’m slightly superstitious. 

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

- It’s a white tank top with cat faces on it, lol.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

- Yeah, my tongue is pretty flexible, too. I can do a clover!

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

- SPEND. What’s “saving money”?

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

- My rose gold phone, my Mary Kay face wash set, my little piggy that holds up my phone, Super Sonico... Sailor Moon stuff on my wall... the thing I keep my paystubs in, my cat’s little house, the little bin my controllers are in.. I like pink.

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

- I’m obsessed with K-pop, but that’s nothing new.

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

- Kinda? I went to a butterfly sanctuary and it landed on me!

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

- My interests are, for sure. But, I’m not sure about completely being influenced?

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

- I don’t anymore, but all my old dreams used to be recurring with timeskips/alternate timelines. 

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

- I’ve only gone on them like three times. Twice to go to Utah (round trip) and once to Hawaii and Japan (round trip). 

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

- Once again, easier to ask me what movies haven’t made me cry. But, I’d say I cried at Time of Eve.

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

- Peanuts, for sure. 

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

- Hayley Kiyoko

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

- Sometimes?? Idk, I just like pasta!

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

- Hmm, yeah? 

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

- Not unless it’s shaking the house or is really close.

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

- I used to really love writing, but I lost motivation for my stories. Hard to write once you can’t remember the dream you based it off of anymore. I still love to read, I’ve just not been able to find anything worth reading but my textbooks. 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

- Yeah. When I was younger, my aunt used to “yell at me” to turn it down on my headphones, though.

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

- Wrap presents, because I suck at carving pumpkins. Actually, when my step grandmother was newer to our family, she used to pay me to wrap everyone’s presents, including my own. 

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

- I usually do my kpop playlist, but I changed to my EDM one right as I was answering this. Aerion - Stellar. 

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

- Summer, and I’m dying.

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now?

- WHITE RICE.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

- cisgendered female.

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

- Coffee, but that’s because I’m a barista.

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

- Won’t until Thursday, sadly.

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

- Bisexual

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

- Honestly, I never make my bed unless someone’s coming over.

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

- I like bellossom, snivy, and chikorita. I love grass types.

(64) Favourite Social Media?

- ... Probably Tumblr, since I have a lot of friends on there.

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

- People be making them too damn long.

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

- Yeah, I do.

(67) Are You A Virgin?

- By society’s standards, I would assume. Right? Virginity is whether or not I’ve “popped the cherry” right?

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

- organiX coconut milk shampoo & conditioner with an olive oil lite leave in conditioner.

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

- ... Depends on how crappy we’re talking. Honestly, as long as the toilet works, there are no bed bugs, and I can shower in the morning before I get the fuck outta there, then yeah. I’ll take the shitty room. 

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

- Yeah, I live with them.

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

- Jurassic World 2 or the next Avengers movie! 

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

- Which one?

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

- I always fucking say it, tbh. It’s a Maya Angelou quote. “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” 

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

- Honestly... blue.

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

- I LOVED swinging, because it felt like I was gonna fly into the sky, but I was always afraid to jump off and hurt myself. I do still get excited, but that’s only because it’s the one thing I can play at the park with my niece that isn’t embarrassing lol..

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

- Bagel. 

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

- Fate/Grand Order (JPN), Pokemon Go!, TETRIS, Classic Bejeweled, Heads Up!, and Pinball Breaker! 

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

- If I knew CPR, yes I would. Also, being homeless doesn’t mean someone should fucking die??? If anything, I’d make sure they have a safe place to sleep at night as well as give them CPR.

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

- Not yet today, but I do usually hit at least 5 hours on mine.

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

- Mhm. Used to stalk people who would talk shit about me.

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

- I do, especially lately since I need to make more friends & we are in dire need of new coworkers at my job.

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

- I’m not wearing any currently, but I do wear them. I usually wear the Kiki ring @xero-xenos gave me. 

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

- this is question number one, wtf is it doing here?

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

- Wake up, do headset at work, and open tumblr.

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

- Pajama pants or shorts, and a t-shirt. Sometimes a tank top, if I know my boobs won’t spill out of it.

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

- ... All... all of them? Okay, sigh. Mary Kay timewise moisturizer for combination skin, Mary Kay 3-in-1 timewise cleanser for combination skin, Mary Kay timewise day & night solution for combination skin, Kat Von D lock-it foundation, Mary Kay CC cream, tarte moisturizer/highlighter sampler, Loreal sampler make up remover, Loreal sample mascara, dollar store eye shadow, Better than Sex mascara, various lipsticks in the shade red or pink, pink highlighter from NYX (i think?), setting spray from Kat Von D... and a couple other items. I also have a couple sheet face masks and then a charcoal mask. I like make up a lot.

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

- Night.

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

- Listed ones on my phone already. I can list ones on my console another time. I have three consoles, and that’s a lot of games.

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

- I had a dream like freshman year of highschool that my grandmother was a witch and that she was pretending to have Alzheimer’s so that nobody would kill her since she was wanted for something. I wore goth lolita in the dream and the “home” she was in was in New York, inside a Victorian style house. I almost wrote a book based off it, since it ended up that I had to walk through a mystic door in an alley. It’s a crazy ass dream, and I did write a story called “The Door” in high school.

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

- My favorite sodas are Dr Pepper and Mtn Dew.

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

- Fireworks, some synth noises, and cat meows. I also like the sound of a zippo lighter. 

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

- Jeans for work, sweats at home.

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

- Gonna post a separate selfie

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

- Music.

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

- Cat behind my ear, hibiscus on one thigh, banner on the other that says “FIGHT LIKE A GIRL” and a half sleeve of roses and macarons (like, an Ib themed sleeve)

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

- Vinny (Vinesauce).