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starfiremoonbeam-blog · 7 years ago

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Today would be a good day to be a butterfly

I Learned that the way life, people and situations are portrayed are all a select state of mind, if you glorify dirt long enough, even dirt can become diamonds in the eye of the beholder....

Dedicated to my Rock-the other half of my soul-because of you I believed I could fly-because of you my wings have healed-because of you I became a butterfly. My best friend..

1. Mom

I guess I should start with where I came of so to speak. Mother, we'll call her windy, that's not her name, why she chose to "change" her name I'll probably never know the truth, she went by this name before I came along, her real name, I'm not sure if she knows what it is . Windy was orphaned in the late 60's, born a country bumpkin in South Carolina, her parents, from what I can gather were fucked from the word go, I dont know alot about them, one fact I'm sure of is grandpa killed grandma, and then grandpa killed himself in prison. Mom was 12, her older brother was 15, "Uncle Roger". I think the main problem was grandpa liked drinking and women, grandma did not. The story goes, grandma fed up not knowing how to drive, she walked away, walked away from exactly what I don't know, maybe it was grandpa, maybe it was the kids, maybe life is what she wanted to walk away from.. Grandpa I'm sure like everything else in life he made the desion for grandma, he went after her, grandpa ran her over with the front and rear tires. Grandma died, grandpa went to prison. Windy and Roger moved to China with relatives. I suppose that's when mom started to become the destroyed mess I grew to love.

2.Dad The old man came from a very different background than Windy. Busha and Goji-Busha was Polish, Ga was German. They lived and bought their way out of Nazi Germany concentration camps along with my 2 aunts. Goji died when I was a few months old, he was ate up with cancer. Busha, she was my best friend, my salvation, my safe place, my teacher. She was soft and kind, she had the softest skin and most clear blue eyes I'd ever seen, she had a deep polish accent I loved, and she loved me. I was her favorite of all her grandchildren and she never tried to hide it. Busha always made me feel like number 1. My Busha showed me how to live, how to be a lady, how to cook and clean. Busha taught me to read palms, she told me I was going to change the lives of many people, that I was special, I have a half moon in my palm and a half moon of freckles on my cheek, she said together they make a full moon, and 1 out of 10million people have those markings, Busha always told me I was meant for something grand in this world. My mother taught me that I have to survive... Busha didn't talk about her past to much. I suppose I wouldn't either. Busha told me two stories about their life in Germany. Her youngest daughter born in Germany, she wasn't supposed to be, Busha said it was against the law, if your birth wasn't preapproved you were murdered, taking your first and last breath in unison. Busha and Goji using their wealth of sheep to their advantage bought their daughters life and eventually their freedom. My Busha went creek side and delivered her youngest daughter on her own. She left the newborn by the river to muffle the cries, for 2 days and nights busha couldn't go back to even check on her baby girl, the consequence of getting caught was death of the entire family, Goji worked a deal with the Nazis and bought his daughters life with 30 sheep. The other story of their freedom, they gave up everything that took generations to build, the farm, livestock, the house. The entire family was moved to a camp where all four of them were tattooed, she showed me once, it was a long number tattooed in black, it looked like it was done with a safety pin, big bold numbers, jagged, the ink spread out it was deep, all the way up the side of her calf. Busha said they had armbands marking there heritage, you don't forget your armband, she said those men would beat you close to death ,man, woman, child ..they didn't care.. she was always vague mentioning the past, I don't know how long they endured Nazi Germany-camps, but it eventually led to a boat bound for America, a refugee camp off the east coast eventually led them to Chicago IL.. Busha and Goji worked for the railroad until retirement. I guess your wondering where my dad came into the picture, it was June 1956, Busha was 52 years old when she gave birth to my father. Busha was at work and as labor started she called a cab and went to the hospital, only after she found out it was a boy did she call Goji, himself being 56 wasn't excited about another child, until he was told he had a boy! Goji had his boy. I guess that's any fathers dream is to have a son to carry on your name. The story goes Ga left work to come meet his son, and in the 50's you didn't leave work unless you were dead. Busha and Ga were strict but loving parents, private catholic school, dad received many honors throughout school, and graduated top of his class, Busha had his diploma on her wall until she died. Joe went directly to the railroad after school, he had a great start in life.

3. Joe&Windy-1975 When this tornado and hurricane collided...like most natural disasters, the effects were devastating. Mom was homeless living on a rooftop in Chicago, feeding her well developed addictions. Dad was working on the railroad and a few addictions of his own. Joe and windy met thru a mutual drug dealer and Joe moved onto the rooftop with Windy. In reminiscent highs they'd mention suitcases of drugs, gallon bags of various potions and powders they begged for "borrowed" and stole. In the first year of Joe meeting Windy, Busha and Goji retired, told Joe he was on his own and moved to small town Illinois, Wenona, population 1,000. I would guess that Joe and Windy "borrowed" from the wrong dude, shortly after Busha and Goji moved Joe and Windy followed. Joe and Windy were married under a huge weeping willow tree in Bushas back yard august 27th, 1977 is how they tell it. I think that may be a lie, or my birthdate is a lie, maybe the journey of this book will reveal some of my questions. Goji nor busha cared for mom, they seen she wasn't right, 2 people she couldn't manipulate thru her smile, Goji offered dad 300.oo dollars to not marry mom, defiance, love, who knows, they were married. They jumped into the honeymoon van, with Pam and Loney (best friends, maid of honor and best man, eventually god parents)...The rest is history..or a blur..a forty year blur...

4. Almost here. July 4th, 1978. The only pregnancy picture of mother taken was 5 days before I was born, bottle of beer in one hand, joint in her mouth and a Marlboro red next to her middle finger. Smiling from ear to ear, her eyes were smiling...That's what TWO HITS OF ORANGE SUNSHINE LSD WILL DO TO YOU, in Wenona there's a coal dump, it looks like a little mountain covered in trees, it was always a cool spot for various deviant acts. Joe and Windy along with their group climbed the cole dump to watch the fireworks, being 5 days before delivery she was to big and to fucked up to make the 500ft climb down the hill, they found a cardboard box and slid her down the hill. I was born 5 days later. She always told that story as a fond memory, I used to be fond of sharing that memory too.... Looking back I see it, text book DCFS no no's, looking back a human being with a conscious couldn't of trained me like they did. More than half my life I was proud of the drugs, the acid taken before I was born, I could roll a joint, tap a keg, seal a baggie all by the time I was 5. Wearing my prettiest dress, pool chalk on my eyelids, rolling joints and popping bottle caps, winning my dad beers, I didn't know what I was doing but I was always told to smile pretty, and bat those big eyes, mom taught me before I could talk a pretty smile can get me whatever I want, and dad gave me practice at the bar, I remember mom fixing my hair and help me get dressed up, shortly after dad would say "come on kid, lets go play the jukebox." It really became a normal, so normal I could roll a joint one-handed. My normals were not "normal".

5.Charity Ann Mietelski. July9th,1978. I was born in a catholic hospital, to a witch an addicted witch. Windy was 18, Joe was 20,they weren't ready to be parent's, I don't know if they ever were actually ready... but I was here, I was a regret, they were busy and I was in the way. There wasn't a baby book, no pictures either. My first smile, My first word, first step, I don't know, I doubt mom or dad remembered. We weren't the " Tell me the story of when you brought me home mommy", kind of mother-daughter. Besides the prized LSD story she told, there was one more "memory" she liked to tell, I'm not sure if "saving me" was a justification in her mind for all the shitty things that she allowed, with mother I'm not sure of a lot.. The story goes, when I was first born, they lived in Wenona, in a tiny rundown shack, this place was a relic from the age of when Wenona was a coal mining town. 4 room, little shiplap shack, backed up to a horse farm. Windy said an entire loaf of bread disappeared, she swore dad was drunk, and ate it, (that was probably close to the only food there was.) That night, mom said she heard me screaming, she came to check on me and in my playpen was a rat, a rat the size of a loaf of bread, it had eaten the nipple off of my bottle, mom said she grabbed me and went and got dad to get the rat, it wasn't there by the time dad came back with the gun. My playpen was built into a wooden cage with a lid basically, they surrounded the play pen with plywood, I was safe I guess.. Dad had a story he told me once about being born. The 70's in a catholic hospital, fathers weren't welcome in the birthing room so as my dad watched thru the little wired "prison" window, the moment I came out he thought he had a son, he hooted and hollered then they cut the cord, dad about passed out. Joe thought he just had a son who was going to set world records at birth, and the nurse CUT IT OFF, Jesus..I would bet money dad was still tripping when I was born. I bet I was tripping too .. These are my baby stories.

I'm in a lot of pain right now, I've been hesitating on writing because of it, staring at the paper. I'm forcing myself right now, I force myself a lot...distraction good or bad can help sometimes. There's not a lot of "good" or happy moments thru my book, except Chris, he's my shining light, its an amazing gift to be loved and love equally...I would go thru this whole life again to share just a little part with him. The lies and truth over the first 5 years I guess we'll never know. Joe and Windy went on a "honeymoon" to Mexico. This is where the story goes a little foggy, wedding date August 27,1977. My birthdate July 9,1978, again in reminiscent highs I was told I spent a month with some friends of there's when I was first born, most of what they said I took in, but couldn't comprehend until I was older...so I'm not sure if the wedding date is a lie or my birthday is a lie, we lived in literally a shack. They didn't have Mexico honeymoon money, or wedding money, until mom got an inheritance from her relatives of some sort passing away. there's really no telling what they actually did at that time. We never had a connection mom nor dad, I felt like a burden I guess always really. April- She is one of my 3 younger sisters. There's a year and 7 months in-between April and I . I don't remember her being born, I can't place when she showed up she was just always there. I remember her sometime during our life in Varna. April was a mean lil bitch even at 2, we weren't the holding hands singing songs kind of sisters she wasn't my best friend, I'm not sure if she was even my friend. I was gullible and a show off , and April knew it, she'd bet me stupid shit all the time like getting my foot into a cinder block and then shed push it off the porch or putting a hanger hook in my mouth and she yanked it , it went thru my check like a fish hook. we didn't go to doctors until many years later when they were forced to give us health care. Dad cut that wire hanger out of my mouth with wire cutters piece by piece. April was naturally bigger than me and she knew it, liked it and pushed her bad self around as soon as she knew what it was. She always said she wanted to be the oldest. I'm pretty sure she tried killing me 3 times. I remember even as a young child being confused by her actions of aggression and hate I just wanted to play and Love... I don't remember a lot of stories with April in Varna... except this one, this was the day I knew I had to always protect my sister. April and I were walking around the pond with our German Shepard dog, wonder. I'm not sure what led up to April falling from the bank into the pond, I may have pushed her I have really no idea. April was still very little she had a diaper on. when she fell all I heard was a scream and the cattails on the bank swallowed her up, before I could finish my first scream of helplessness Wonder boy jumped in to that pond and found her!! He pulled her all the way back up the bank she didn't have not one scratch on her. Mom was in the trailer about 2 football fields away from us, she didn't hear me until the problem was over, April would've drowned if it weren't for that dog. That day gave me a new outlook on my sister, I loved her and no matter what I would always do my best to protect her. The story goes wonder was caught stealing baby pigs and a farmer shot him.

6.Lakewildwood, Varna IL. 1981 -?? The story goes when mom turned 18 she got some kind of an inheritance and they bought a big piece of land with a little trailer and an outhouse. It was a beautiful piece of property, there was a mile long gravel lane, right before the land opened up There was a forgotten cemetery, it was dilapidated and severely overgrown with briars it was eventually discovered and repaired. As soon as you passed the cemetery the land opened up, to the left were cow pastures as far as the eye could see, to the right was a huge pond it was very deep and a football field long, you could see a foot down into the water it was so clear. A couple hundred feet above the pond sat a little trailer on top of a hill. There was no running water, no bathroom, no electricity, it had a wood burning stove on one end and 2 bedrooms on the other, there wasn't a refrigerator nor a stove, there was an awesome front porch that wrapped three quarters around the trailer and the best shade tree turned into a tree-house ever, past the shade tree and the barn red outhouse, was a huge hill ( huge for Illinois) walking down this hill was like walking into another world, huge lush trees that reached for the clouds, thick briars and brush mixed with wildflowers and tall grass, at the bottom of the hill was a creek that wound deep into the trees it was a wide creek with crystal clear water, the creek was shallow and clean magical and scary all in the same thought. The life in Varna was rugged, now that I think back I never knew we were dirt poor, in our world you washed your clothes in the creek, took showers when it rained, peed in the grass and cooked over a campfire. I had no Idea electricity was an option in life, a bathroom inside was never a thought, stabbing frogs with my dad and plucking feathers off a wild turkey was just what you did. I was a very happy little girl, I loved pretty dresses and ribbons in my hair, I was also the mud pie queen, and a champion tree climber in my own eyes. One piece of society we did have was toga parties, about 5 cars full 2 vans and a few motorcycles would show up a few times in the summer, everyone would have sheets on and flowers in their hair there would always be a keg, I was the "bartender" and I was drunk, mom and dad never seen a problem with drugs or alcohol, for kids...there used to be a polaroid of mom holding a fishbowl full of beer, helping me get a drink, my parents had a gift of making wrong or bad things regardless of what it was acceptable, even cool, I used to carry a lot of this bad parenting around with boastful pride. In my child's mind we lived there for along time, we moved a lot a few years down the road. Mom and dad acquired a wine still somewhere, I remember smashing apples in there with my sister, I remember being trashed a lot, child inebriation was supported in my life they called me practice whatever they messed up with me they knew not to do with the other ones... I know there's a lot of incomplete memories in this book and aspartic thoughts...welcome to my life. We had a neighbor down the road, we called him Mr. Charlie, he was a walk thru the cow pasture, he was a very old man, he had peacocks and swans all over his yard, swans are mean birds...not the point, It was winter time I guess it was Christmas I'm not really sure if it was Christmas day or a week before I don't know. It was snowing, it had been snowing it was a few feet deep and it was cold, when winter came there that was it, no one came there no one left, that old man came walking up that driveway, he had a evergreen tree over one arm and a big black garbage bag over the other shoulder. I had never had a Christmas before I didn't know who or what Santa Claus was, I remember being confused as to why he was carrying a tree, but I was excited with joy I loved Mr. Charlie, he was a sweet man and I hadn't seen another person in months, he brought that tree in and put a big shiny star on top, we didn't have electricity, he brought a bunch of shiny candle holders he attached to the tree and lit it, his big black bag was full of food already cooked and tree decorations presents of all shapes and sizes wrapped in paper that was so beautiful I thought that was the present. I had never see Christmas decorations before and he pulled out this old plastic decoration it was red and had points on 2 ends it had a hollowed out middle with shinier plastic thru the middle, it was so precious to me, I had no idea beautiful things like that existed, I wanted to exists in beauty like that, I still had no idea what was going on but it was a great evening, before that day and shortly after that I remember a lot of powdered milk and Popeye cereal that was a long winter the snow got to deep to walk thru, the outhouse moved into the kitchen in the form of a bucket. That winter mom had a miscarriage she sat in a hall closet, I think where the furnace should of been. I stepped in the blood that had leaked thru the bottom of the door as I was going into my bedroom, I freaked out and started screaming for mom, dad came and hurried me off reassuring me everything was okay. They said it was a little boy, I never seen him, I seen blood on the blanket he was wrapped in. Dad went to the tree line on the far end of the trailer and thru the 3 foot of snow and the Illinois frozen ground dad dug, I seen him fix his broken down shovel more than once, he was out there for hours trying to break the frozen ground, with his dead son cradled in the snow next to him. Dad buried that boy, mom said he was born to soon, she never mentioned him again, dad never mentioned him. winters last a long time in Illinois. Dads famous saying, no matter how bad it seems we can always rest assured the sun will rise again...a new day a new start Springtime always made it worth the wait, dandelions and baby kittens, mud pies for everyone, catching lightning bugs and chasing rainbows, the sun on my face I always loved how the sun made my blonde hair seem as if it sparkled, life opened up again. The passing of seasons also brings the passing in age and I was becoming a little momma I had four cats and about 30 kittens I loved them all so much the poor things as soon as they got big enough to tear the living hell out of me they would, I couldn't get within 5 foot of a cat over 4 weeks , I loved too much I guess. Springtime meant toga time, it didn't matter I was only 5 I had my toga and lipstick, I was the bartender and joint roller I was encouraged to drink and smoke a passed out kid is a good kid I guess. As I write my story memories come that I have forgotten, I'm terrified of what I might remember..

There used to be a picture of 10 squad cars lining the driveway. Mom's version of what happened is that sometime that season there was an escaped prisoner, after talking and researching I think it may have been dad, there were cops and dogs all over that land with 20 plus drunks lined up in the grass. The cops didn't find who they were looking for in mom's version of the story but half the party was taken away for warrants. That was the first time I had ever seen a cop car, I think the first time I seen flashing lights ever in life, I thought it was great a freaking parade had just pulled into the driveway. The next day I was the parade as far as I was concerned, my long lost uncle roger had come to visit, first and only time I had ever met him and his sports car, I don't remember him really but that bright red sports car with all the lights, bells and whistles, my mind was blown. When that car started talking, Yes talking my 5 year old self not ever having the opportunity of technology of any kind, that beautiful car that told you your door was ajar and to buckle your seatbelt (whatever a seatbelt was) I was convinced Uncle Roger had to be a King somewhere. The rest of the summer was normal mud pies, singing made up songs, watching my blonde hair in the sun as I swung on my tire swing. Dad killed a deer that summer. I remember seeing it hanging I didn't know who bambi was. I had never seen a movie...So to me it was a project, it was food, it was interesting. I was curious and all about helping. When mom cut open that deer and all the blood and intestines everything came oozing pouring out I was terrified, my animals only had cotton in them, after the initial shock my weird little self was right in there, I wanted to feel the blood, taste it, feel what the organs felt like. I helped mom all day, I was covered in blood...mom. She tried I guess in ways with no clue to what she was doing. The meat rotted, the only salvageable piece of that deer was the hide, we scraped on that thing all summer it was never preserved in anyway or cleaned, it was disgusting and she drug it around for years. As they always do the seasons changed. Powdered milk, snow and the bucket all came back around and dad disappeared. He was gone for a long time, I didn't know he was gone until he came back.... Child's mind. I was never told where he was, still to this day I don't know where he was. winter passed, we were well into summer it was uneventful as far as my child's mind can remember. Then things changed, I woke up one morning and mom wasn't there, Busha was, Busha never came into our house, my whole life busha actually came into the house 2 times. I loved her soo dearly, I was soo happy she was there it never crossed my mind of where mom was...until it got too long, days and days had passed..still no mom. I don't remember being distressed about mom being gone, she was my distress, Busha was my safe place, my whole life busha was always my safe place. I don't remember the transition but one day mom was back and busha was gone. Mom had another child this is my second little sister Jess, she was born July 22, 1982. I don't remember her coming home, I'm not sure if she came home when mom did. Jess was a preemie she was 10 weeks early. I don't remember mom being pregnant with her, I don't know how she came about delivery in the hospital, small town rumors jess was an addicted baby and not my dads. I still had no Idea where he was. Not long after mom returned I remember seeing dad walking up to the trailer, mom met him at the door, they hugged and kissed, I remember watching them, I remember being happy for them, I remember them, I don't remember caring if they where there or not....

Chapter 2. Liberty Missouri. The first time I remember going to busha's house in Wenona I was 5, I know now we were on our way to Missouri saying goodbye to busha.. I had to pee after 2 laps around the house I was frantic I couldn't pee in bushas yard. I tore thru the house "mom, mom, help I have to pee where's the outhouse!" standing there dancing, its in the hallway was her response, I asked in the house?! I was confused bushas house was perfect how could she have a outhouse in here? She opened the door, and ohh my god I had never seen a bathroom like that there was no wood it was all shiny white, it smelled good and it was clean like I had never seen. I peed 20 times that day, flushing amazed me. I lived terrified of that disgusting black hole I had to sit above my whole life to go to the bathroom. I don't remember going there I don't remember actually getting there. I remember the house tho I couldn't believe we got to stay there it was light blue house with tall ceilings and huge windows, I felt as if we had a castle. We had neighbors right outside of the front door. There was an old woman who lived next door who would chase us off the sidewalk with her broom.. until mom caught her doing it, mom came off the roof party they were having and broke that woman's broom in half, then she threatened to woop her old ass with it..momma back in the day was full of fire. I'm not sure why, but for the one and only time in my life mom went to work and dad stayed home with us. Windy was an ass wiper im pretty sure, I remember the white uniform she looked like nurse Ratchet from "One flew Over The Cuckoos Nest" she was not a nurse, she didn't have an eighth grade education. If I know Windy , which I do, she wasn't there for the 3.25 an hour, it was the thousand pill count bottles of drugs she went to work for. Joe..as a babysitter well he was no Mr. Rogers, Joe had the fatherly equivalence of Homer Simpson, he wasn't violent, he wasn't mean he just wasn't..anything too us..He was drunk. At this point in life I don't remember anything fucked up happening too me. I've grown up and no I'm not a MD of anything but I'm pretty sure a 5 year old girl who indicates and instigates anything sexual with a 7 year old boy, that baby girl was soiled before she got to that boy. Windy caught me in the entryway of our garage in a cardboard box, I had my pants off, she spanked me. I don't think a 5 year old can have any developed sexuality that wasn't taught, the little boy was poor and damaged too. I ran away at 5 I ran to his house, dad came and retrieved me, I never seen that little boy again. Life was very different compared to the seclusion of Varna IL, mom and dad dug up this group of good ole'boys they called themselves Easy Co. These people became a big influence over the years . We also had a wealthy aunt who lived in Missouri, she was my dads oldest sister If I had to guess she was a influence on our move to Missouri. She tried to help mom be a better mom in societies eyes, mom of course took any and all advice with offense, my mothers pride and fear of embarrassments ruled her life. She has a lot of shame she wanted to ignore and hide. She became a pro at ignoring, if she couldn't keep it hid, she'd "throw" it away. Okay, so The Easy Company. Redbeard, Lance, Theresa and Rat. Redneck, beer guzzling, motorcycle riding, speed freaks. They were always at the house helping dad "babysit", always messed up putting whole fish in the garbage disposal off the wall kind of weird things. We were drastically ignored, this is the time in life I became a little momma. Jess was a baby and she seemed to always be wet and stinky and I didn't like touching her because of it so when life forced me to step up I figured out how to change her diaper and feed her, I don't remember a lot of Jess. I would smoke cigarette butts, put them under her crib and I blamed it on her.. I did once... I got spanked and I got better at hiding. I convinced Jess the garbage truck was the welfare man coming to take her away, I got a 30 minute break once a week. Jess was scared of her own shadow, poor thing hid from the garbage truck and pissed her pants until she was 10, for years I didn't even notice she was still hiding. She hid until I told her the truth, I never realized until it was too late all of my sisters needed my help and protection, I guess I was overwhelmed and jess was my burden.... I carry guilt now that I cleared the fog, I guess it's guilt I don't deserve...Mom and dad were pro's at ignoring overwhelming situations, I guess I am too, my entire family we all are. Our first real Christmas was at our aunts house, she had an 80 foot Christmas tree, her house was like a good housekeeping magazine-cookies-homemade candy everywhere, garland and lights on anything that would stand still. The bathroom was decorated! There was a shower curtain and a toilet seat cover with a big white haired man on them, I found this very odd, I still at this time in life had no idea who Santa was or what he was about. That year I received every single Orphan Annie Item on the market. I had never seen that movie, it wasn't until a few years later I figured out who that red curly haired girl was. Aunt S. tried for many years in many different ways to help my sisters and I out of the life we had and give us a life that Joe and Windy could never provide.. They never allowed their "love" to supersede their pride. after so long and so bad..Aunt S gave up on me... I was the only one who didn't give up on me after so much and so bad, hell I gave up to once or twice. Mom quit or got fired from her job, we started "visiting" a lot, Joe and Windy drug us everywhere. "The Easy Company" became our family, we were always in one of two places "The Caves" it was a bar built into a cave, well actually more like a cave with a door put in front of the hole, it had a couple flood lights, a pool table and a jukebox. I loved that place, I would play the jukebox, drink PBR and explore the caves a little, ( I didn't go further than the light of the bar). I'm pretty sure we did all this "visiting" to make money..to put it nicely mom was a whore, she started using her sexuality to her advantage at the age of 12, it was easy for her it seemed like her go to. Our second place to "visit" was this little apartment always loud always filled with leather clad people and smoke, there were never any other kids around, we were ignored to the point people without kids would feel sorry for us. Lance noticed April and I looking at a playboy, he gave us a phonebook told us to read that we got extremely bored with that very fast ..when lance cruised back by and we had another dirty magazine he took us to his room and let us prank call people and gave us rags, he was trying hard to be a biker and had a tore down Harley in his bedroom. My sisters and I cleaned on that bike for hell God only knows, weeks, months..maybe it was only days but watching the grease and surface rust disappear I don't know it was rewarding and calming in a way, I watched that pile of dirty rusty steel and chrome turn into a big ape hanging Harley chopped motorcycle.. every time we came over it took more shape than the time before, in my family you never seen anything "come together" in anyway, they had a lot of dreams but no ambition. So seeing those confusing pieces of twisted rust become a mean beast of a bike made me realize...addicts could function I loved motorcycles, I loved leather, I loved the breeze on my face and I was already always high. I was hooked before I realized what hooked was. I have 2 more memories from Missouri, Halloween, mom took us trick or treating, we got home and the power was off that was common so we walked in without hindrance and around the corner here comes a ghost it was dad, he chased us all around the house J had a freaking mental breakdown..poor thing.. she pissed her pants and froze on the floor the fun was over and lights came on. I thought it was great fun dad never interacted with us or played with us hell he didn't talk to us unless he had to tell us something at this point in life. Joe wasn't mean or violent, he never called us names or hit us, he just wasn't ..Joe was fucked up.. Was it a game? Regretful payback, maybe a commodity? The next day we went to a really fancy house a dark house, shiny dark wood covered the ceilings walls and floors, shiny dark double doors all over the house. I don't know where J was, mom took April and I to a room a huge room. I think know it it was a library floor to ceiling book shelves on 2 walls filled. enormous windows with dark heavy drapery it was a quiet room with fur rugs all over the floor. There was a huge desk with every drawer locked across the room was a chess set on its own assigned table and two huge leather chairs . Okay so here goes, mom told us to be good and play chess, I was sitting there looking at the pieces, looking around the room everything had become blurry, trying to focus holding different chess pieces closer and further away, I asked April if she was blurry she told me no and she was looking at a book of somesort. I was confused as to why they were blurry, I convinced myself it wasn't blurry that it had to be some kind of art that was made blurry on purpose. Sometime over the course of me trying to get my eyes and head back in order using all my illogical logic to not panic a man came in the room, I had seen him before at various parties and places the parents drug us too, he looked like every other man around the crowd and I had never felt caution or fear at this stage of life. I trusted Joe and Windy if this man was in here they knew it about it. The man walked over picked me up and sat me on his lap , I was so happy he was going to show me how to play this blurry game I couldn't believe it attention wasn't something I was accustom too, as soon as he sat me on his lap I felt it, I didn't know at this time what I was feeling of course, I kept squirming he told me to sit still that I was hurting him, he positioned me to where I was facing the chess table and gave me the queen and told me they had to kiss a hundred times before the game could start, chess is a game of war and they had to show love to one another before they could fight incase one of them died. I heard his pants unzip and through my dress he sat me on top of him, I didn't know what was happening, he held me at the waist and jostled me on his lap. I was so fucked up on whatever whoever gave me, I remember getting tired and laying back on his lap I couldn't really see or hear. I came too with a king in one hand and the queen in the other laying back on this man...my inner thighs and dress was wet he told me I peed my pants so I was to little to learned to play chess, he got up and left. I was a girly girl the idea of peeing my pants didn't make sense to me I hadn't peed myself since I was 2 and I loved the 2 dresses I had. I was checking myself frantically and my panties weren't wet, how did I pee myself if my panties aren't wet, I thought maybe April peed on me, I didn't want to ask her incase she didn't do it then it was my fault so I didn't ask I rubbed my hands on the wetness to smell it didn't feel or smell like pee, I was nervous and embarrassed and I wasn't sure what was happening I sopped up the mess with a corner of my dress and wadded up the corner. Mom soon after came into the room she asked if that man had touched me? I told her no, I told her he sat me on his lap and showed me how to play chess, I told her I had an accident I guess I peed my pants but I didn't get my undies wet. Mother pulled my dress up and felt my panties, and kind of patted me down she felt the wet sticky spot on my dress, she looked into my eyes in a way I'd never seen. she didn't say a word, she went and got me a freezing cold paper towel, I tried to clean up my legs the best I could I was all fucked up. Mom carried me to the car...in the blink of an eye we were back in Illinois.

#my book #abuse #child abuse #healing #love #hate

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