#the backwards hat… christopher WHY do you do this to me I was just starting to get normal over hockey boys again

[quanticowrites]

Special Hot Chocolate (Christopher Lasalle x Reader)

•• Hey all! Merry Christmas! I can not believe I actually sat my ass down and wrote this in time to post today, but here we are. I hope you all enjoy! ❤️ ••

“Thanks for helping me, Chris.” You pressed the hook onto the wall and hung up the last string of lights. You made the lights on the wall into the shape of a Christmas tree, since a real one would be in the way. With Sebastian and Tammy both needing desks there just wasn't enough room for one. He laughed.

“The way you asked made it sound like I didn't have much choice.” He started hanging a few ornaments on your light tree and you climbed down from the ladder. You missed the last step and let out a yelp as you fell backward, shutting your eyes as you waited to fall hard on the floor. “Woah!” Chris caught you and you blinked up at him, surprised. “Easy there tiger.” You smiled as he stood you up. “You need to watch what you're doin.”

“Oh, shut up country boy. You act like you've never fallen off a ladder before.”

“Nah but I've had plenty of practice catching Cade.” You stepped back and put your hands on your hips, doing a full 360 to look around the office. Garland hung around the perimeter of the ceiling, you'd put a miniature Santa hat on the corner of every computer monitor. Then there was your tree made of lights. “Hey, want some hot chocolate?” You scoffed.

“That's a stupid question, of course I do.” You followed Chris into the kitchen and sat at your favorite stool by the counter.

You watched him fill the crockpot with all the ingredients. He added the chocolate last and as he was stirring you went to grab two mugs when he stopped you.

“Wait, I still got one more ingredient.” You laughed.

“What else can you possibly add? You've got marshmallows, cinnamon sticks, and a whole ass Hershey bar in there. What more can ya fit?” He held out a finger as he turned around and grabbed something from the cupboard behind him. He held up a bottle of rum.

“Ain't nothing complete without a spike of this beauty.” He poured in a decent helping and you handed him two mugs. You hated to admit it, but when you took that first swig you knew instantly that you'd be begging him to make this more often. You wouldn't care if it was the middle of a heatwave in July. You'd just finished your cup and you couldn't help but notice how subtle Chris was trying to be as he kept looking at his watch.

“Are you late for something?” You asked and a big grin spread across his face.

“I ain't late, I'm just trying to stall you long enough for Hugh to get outside.”

“Wait, what?” He laughed, grabbing your hand and leading you outside to the front of the office. Roy stood to the side with a smile. Had he been in on this? There stood a carriage from the nearby park. It was one of those who would take you around the city. You'd always said you'd ride one, but after you moved to New Orleans two years ago you forgot all about it. You'd told Chris that on the first case you worked with the team.

“You remembered?” You looked up at him, speechless. Tammy had warned you that Chris was a notorious prankster, but she never said he gave such heartfelt gestures too. There was a difference between a cup of special hot chocolate and something you've been wanting to do since you first visited the city. “I told you that over two years ago.”

“I know, I wrote it down. Figured with how this last case went you could use a little cheering up since you're doing your best to help the rest of us.” He opened the side and you climbed on. He hopped up beside you and he wrapped an arm around your shoulder. You leaned back and laid your head up against Chris’s chest.

You ride around for a few hours. The city always looked amazing at night, but there was something special about Christmas. Businesses big and small decorated their shops with blinking lights and fake snow. Christmas music frequently flows out of every street, from both the people playing guitar on the side of the road and the bars and restaurants along Bourbon street. He brought his lips down to your ear.

“Did I do good?” He whispered. “I wanted to make a good first impression.” You blinked.

“First impression? Chris, I've known you for over three years.” You could hear his heart beating in his chest. It was going a million miles a minute. Why was he suddenly so nervous?

“I know that, (y/n), I meant like-” He paused. “I meant like a first d-date.” You sat up as he stumbled with his words. Was it a mix of nerves and his special hot chocolate? Or was he that nervous to ask you on a date? You couldn't help but laugh at the shocked look on his face. He must not have expected you to sit up so quickly.

“I'm not laughing at you, Chris. It's just so funny how scared you are about little ol’ me.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I ain't scared. I'm just a little intimidated.” That made you laugh even harder. You calmed down and rubbed a tear out of your eye before putting your hand on top of his.

“Well, don't be. I'd be honored to go on a date with you, Chris. But technically this is our first date.” You pecked him on the cheek. “And I'm really looking forward to the second.”

Tag list: @stanathanxoox , @nikkiwierden , @malindacath , @havlindzk , @countrygal17a , @memyselfandmaddox , @octobersmog , @mizzezm , @diaryofafan17 , @emmitheacefangirl , @smolpersonbigworld , @a-sad-excuse-of-everything , @dressed-up-just-like-z1ggy

[shadowhuntertrash]

I feel so bad but I cannot remember for the life of me who asked for the Gabrily family fluff because you either commented or asked me personally but I cant find it in my chats so sorry for not tagging you. </3

Cecily sighed as she walked through the door. It had been a busy day and she had spent most of it with her brother while they tried to figure out what was happening with the demon attack in broad daylight.

   Gabriel had been off with Gideon on some mission for the last four days, he was often going on missions and Cecily found it hard to keep up, while Alexander was with Lucie. Anna and Christopher were off somewhere with Matthew, Thomas, and James, so Cecily wasn’t expecting anyone to be home.

   She went to the kitchen getting some water before walking to the living room. She sighed as she looked at the mess, she hated cleaning, she always had, but with Christopher’s beakers and vials all over the place, she was constantly moving them away from Alexander’s reach. Anna came over often as well, always leaving something behind.

   She had been cleaning for about ten minutes before someone had their arms wrapped around her. Cecily squealed and turned quickly, knocking the person backward. Gabriel stumbled, catching himself right before he fell, eyebrows raised. “I thought you knew I was coming since you weren’t moving, turns out you just didn’t hear me.” He pretended to give her a scrutinizing look. “I would have to rate your response time as a six I’m afraid, while you got away you would have still died had I been a demon.”

   Cecily laughed, walking up to her husband and hugging him. She hadn’t realized how much she missed him and the toll it was taking on her to not have him here. Gabriel hugged her back, when she didn’t pull away he tightened his hold, his face moving back so he could see her face. “Are you alright, mi amor?” Cecily smiled up at her husband’s concerned face, “I am now.” She said quietly.

   Gabriel smiled and leaned down, his lips meeting Cecily’s. She felt him smile against her lips, a feeling she would never get used to. The front door banged open and Cecily broke away with a sigh, alas she would have to wait until tonight to spend one on one time with Gabriel.

   Cecily looked towards the door smiling at her children as Gabriel wrapped his arm affectionately around Cecily’s waist. Anna was holding little Alexander looking at them with fond eyes, she had been asking Cecily a lot of questions about love recently, making them ‘rhetorical’ but Cecily knew better and pretended to be unaware they were talking about Ariadne.

    Christopher was behind Anna, talking excitedly with his hands about something he was calling a ‘fire message’. Anna set Alexander carefully on the ground and he ran up to Cecily who bent down and scooped him into her arms in a smooth practice move.

   Gabriel walked over to Christopher and ruffled his already messy hair, Christopher turned his bright smile to Gabriel. “Father, have you talked to Uncle Gideon or Uncle Will today?” Gabriel shook his head watched Christopher with an amused smile. “They were on a mission and something happened to Uncle Gideon and they had mentioned how they wished they had something that could transfer messages instantly and I had a brilliant idea-” Gabriel held up a hand to stop Christopher, his previously amused expression now heavily concerned. 

   “Backtrack, what happened to Uncle Gideon?” Gabriel said, concern for his brother evident on his face. Cecily turned her icy blue eyes to Christopher’s lavender ones, her eyes equally concerned. 

   Christopher waved their concern off. “He’s fine, the demons had broken their steles but Sophie showed up just in time and healed them both.” Christopher’s eyes went bright again and Cecily watched Gabriel’s still concerned face. “I was thinking that there could be something I could make that makes instant messages possible! I was thinking of an idea and if it worked I could call it a fire message.” Anna put a hand up to stop him and Christopher peered questioningly at his sister.

   “If it has fire in it you can’t work on it by yourself. Either me, Thomas, or mother and father have to be there.” Cecily wondered as she watched Christopher open and close his mouth when Anna became such a mom to Christopher but she couldn’t find it in herself to mind if it meant she wasn’t always the bad guy when telling him that potentially dangerous thing needed oversight.

   Christopher just shrugged, turning to Anna to talk more about this ‘fire message’, and Gabriel turned to Cecily. “I have to go-” Cecily stiffened a little, disappointment flooding through her. He had only just gotten back from a four-day trip and as much as she knew he had to go check on his brother it still pulled at her heart for him to have to leave.

   Nevertheless, Cecily smiled at her husband, turning away before he looked too deep and discover it was fake. Gabriel walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead before doing the same to Anna and ruffling Christopher and Alexander’s heads. Cecily watched with sad eyes as he stepped through the door once again.

   Cecily bounced Alexander gently on her hip and turned to Anna. “I am going to put Alexander to bed, are you staying the night?” Anna watched Cecily’s face closely and nodded slowly before walking up to Cecily. “You look exhausted mother.” She said softly looking deep into Cecily’s blue eyes, Cecily always found it creepily comforting how similar her daughter’s eyes looked to her own and Will’s.

   Cecily waved off her concern, though she knew she was radiating exhaustion, and shook her head. “I’m quite alright Anna, you needn’t stay if that’s what you were worried about.” Anna didn’t seem to believe that but dropped the subject anyway before saying goodnight to Alexander. 

   “If it’s alright with you mother, I am going to kidnap Kit and take him back with me to my apartment.” She turned her eyes to her brother, a fond look on her face. “I’m afraid otherwise he would be awake all night and you needn’t worry about that tonight.” Cecily smiled gratefully at her daughter before kissing her cheek and walking over to do the same to Christopher who smiled at her, his lavender eyes standing out on his pale face.

   Anna and Christopher left about ten minutes later and Cecily finally made her way to Alexander’s room, the room next to her own, and set him down gently in his bed. She started humming softly, a welsh lullaby her mother had taught her that she had sung to all of her children.

   Alexander wasn’t tired yet so it took Cecily two hours to put him asleep. Cecily stumbled slightly as she walked out of the room, the brightness momentarily blinding her as her eyes attempted to adjust. It was almost midnight now and Cecily wanted nothing more than to go to sleep but when she got in bed it felt too cold and she knew it would be one of the nights where she would have to wait for Gabriel to be able to sleep.

   It took another two hours for Cecily to hear hooved feet in front of her house and she got up, tightening her robe around her nightgown as she walked into the main room. Gabriel was taking off his coat and hat, boots carefully sat beside the door. 

   He turned when he heard her bare feet pattering on the floor, a tired smile on his face. Cecily shivered, a draft chilling her to the point of goosebumps. “How are Gideon and Will?” Cecily asked quietly, trying desperately to not wake Alexander up.

   Gabriel rubbing his hands together, walking up to Cecily before wrapping his arms around her. Cecily buried her face in his shirt, the comfort of having her husband home momentarily overwhelming. Gabriel’s cheek rested on her head and she felt when he said, “Gideon’s alright, Will was barely scratched but Gideon had a large gash across his stomach, Sophie got there about five minutes later and just about lost her mind at Will.” Gabriel laughed lightly, a hand coming up to stoke Cecily’s ink-black hair. “I would have rather enjoyed seeing that if I’m quite honest.”

   Cecily laughed, but her heart wasn’t quite in it. She was tired and just wanted to be in bed, Gabriel’s arms around her, the safe feeling of being in his arms that she had been severely lacking recently.

   Gabriel pulled away and frowned. “Are you quite alright mi amor?” He asked softly, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear. Cecily closed her eyes and nodded slowly. “I’m just tired.” She said somewhat weakly, a tone she only ever used around Gabriel. 

   Warm hands found their way to the back of her knees and her waist and Cecily found herself being lifted off the ground. “Off to bed then.” Gabriel said simply as Cecily laughed softly, a genuine one this time. She laid her head against his chest and sighed deeply, she had missed him. 

   He carried her to their room before dropping her softly onto their bed. Cecily crawled under the covers and waited expectantly for Gabriel to climb in next to her, instead he turned around and started walking out of the room. Cecily shot up, “Don’t leave, please! Where are you going?” She asked desperately. Gabriel turned back to her with a slightly concerned expression. “Ceci, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just changing I’ll be right back.” 

   Cecily felt her face heat up and she looked down at the comforter before shifting so she was laying down again. “Right. Sorry.” She mumbled, Gabriel stared at her for a second before turning and going to change. It normally took Gabriel ten minutes to get ready for bed but he was back in their room in half that time.

   He crawled into bed next to her and wrapped a strong arm around her middle, gently pulling her body against his. Cecily sighed softly, comforted in a way only a spouse could. Gabriel intertwined their fingers, his thumb running soothing circles on the back of her hand.

   “Why are you afraid of me leaving?” He asked softly, pressing a light kiss to the back of her neck. Cecily closed her eyes, her hand tightening involuntarily around Gabriel’s as if to keep him in place. “I’m not.” She replied dubiously, Gabriel tightened his grip around her waist. “You are, why?” He asked, his mouth leaving sweet kisses over her shoulder. 

   Cecily sighed, embarrassed, and afraid to come off as clingy. She took pride in being the kind of wife who was confident in being left alone. She was still confident, she just missed him horribly when he was gone. “You’ve been gone a lot.” Cecily said quietly, Gabriel’s lips stilled on her shoulder before he pulled away, shifting so that he was half above her, one arm holding him up while the other went to push the hair out of her face.

   Gabriel frowned and Cecily felt instantaneously bad. “Not that that’s a bad thing. I know you have to fight demons and you’re really good obviously which is why they send you on overnight missions which is great Gabriel really, I’m so proud of you.” Cecily hesitated and Gabriel rested his chin on her shoulder, a sign for her to keep going. Cecily averted her eyes and looked at their intertwined fingers instead. 

   “It’s just hard I guess sometimes, having to watch the kids and help Will and Tessa and do patrols while finding someone to watch Alexander.” Her eyes flickered up to Gabriel’s again. “I’m not complaining though, I know what you do is important.” Cecily was about to continue rambling but Gabriel saved her from embarrassing herself further.

   He ran a calming hand through her hair, a troubled look on his face. “Cecily none of that is as important as you, or the kids.” He paused, the troubled look on his face shifting into guilt. “Ceci, I do wish you’d told me earlier, I didn’t realize.” 

   Cecily just shook her head, pulling the hand still holding hers around her waist so that he was holding her again. Gabriel happily obliged. “I’m quite alright Gabriel, don’t worry about it. You’re here now.” Gabriel huffed. “I should have been here the whole time, especially with Alexander.” He sighed and kissed her shoulder again. “No wonder you’re always exhausted by the angle Cecily.” 

   With a sigh and a shake of her head, Cecily turned her head so she could see Gabriel. “If you’re saying I look tired all the time, wow Gabriel thanks.” She said sarcastically, continuing before Gabriel got a chance to deny her words. “And two, as you said, I am exhausted and it would be greatly appreciated if we could finish this tomorrow.” Gabriel hesitated before nodding and shifting back so he was laying on the bed instead of hovering over her body.

   Cecily flipped to her other side so she could bury her face in Gabriel’s chest, his arm went around her tightly, drawing her body impossibly closer. Gabriel placed a soft kiss on her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair. Cecily sighed contentedly as her eyes finally shut, dreams not far off.

   The last thing she thought before sleep claimed her was how safe it felt back in her husband’s arms.

[caralynsmoved]

the most wonderful time of the year

fandom: 911onfox characters: quinn callahan ( original female character ), athena grant-nash, sean callahan ( original male character ), bobby nash, fire fam ft. karen wilson and maddie buckley.  pairing(s): athena grant-nash/bobby nash, maddie buckley/howie “ chimney “ han, hen wilson/karen wilson, allusions to evan “ buck “ buckley/eddie diaz rating: general audiences setting: sometime after the ice skating and a little before the christmas spirit episode, idk timelines are hard and i wrote this before the actual christmas ep aired.  notes: so quinn is my oc formed of my love of kennedy mcmann and my need to just want more ocs basically. also s/o to @henwilsons bc she is pretty much quinn’s creator and a second s/o to @liesoverthec because when i posted hey who wants to hear about this oc you know nothing about it sweet bon-bon went me ! i do ! and made me giggle at work so here goes ??  ps. you can refer to this original post about quinnie if you want ! 

∞

“ should i ask how you found me or should we just skip to the why ? “ quinn asked, not even looking up from the drink in front of her. 

“ maybe skip to why you haven’t been answering my calls, huh ? “ athena asked, taking a seat beside at the nearly empty bar. 

quinn was sure in a few hours the now nearly empty bar would pack up with hopeful christmas couples, people looking for someone to spend the holidays with, mostly people trying to avoid the holidays in one of the most effective ways around .. at least that’s what she was trying to do before athena showed up. 

“ i’ve been busy, you know holidays make people nostalgic for estranged family, lost holiday gifts, missed connections with that certain somewhere who winked at you while you were singing to last christmas on the subway. “ quinn said, taking a drink before she looked over to the woman at her side.

“ think you could still make some time for holidays, quinn, get your stocking all hung up. “ the stocking had been an addition during her first christmas with the grants. she had slept in the guest room and woken to a stocking on the fireplace bearing her name right next to everyone else’s. it had been one of the first times she had let herself celebrate the holidays since her dad … the stocking now got put up every year. 

“ athena … “ quinn pressed a hand against her forehead, eyes closed tightly for a moment as she thought of the bright lights of christmas, watching rudolph curled into her dad’s side, hot cocoa in the middle of the night like a secret and the shadow that hung over them after he was gone, “ i don’t know, “ 

“ i know it’s been hard for you, lately. “ athena said, pushing the glass away just enough in hopes quinn wouldn’t notice, “ especially now, but baby you can’t keep hiding yourself away, there are people in your life now who love you, who want to be there for you .. if you’ll let them. “ 

quinn knew they would be, they had proven it in a hundred different ways; bobby being by her side after the tsunami when he wasn’t at buck’s, eddie going sparring with her at the gym when it all became much for either of them, buck and maddie stubbornly tailing with her on long stakeouts, hen and chim pulling her into team dinners at the station, it was even christopher or denny’s little hand reaching up for hers like they could trust her implicitly. the problem wasn’t that she didn’t know they were there the problem was they could easily be gone in an instant; one wrong call, one second too late, between one breath and the next … gone just like that. she’s already carrying one ghost she doesn’t know if her chest has room for any more. 

“ one more ? “ the bartender, either not catching athena’s warning gaze or not caring ( it was more likely the second ) asked, jolting her out of her thoughts and she fumbled. 

“ i .. i … ummm, “ words suddenly stuck in her throat as she felt the weight of it all fall on her shoulders with a rush, “ i need some air, “ 

the young woman pushed away from the bar and athena’s well meaning hands as she stumbled her way to the alley, falling down against it and letting the cold brick pressed against her back and shoulders chill her heated skin. out of control wasn’t a feeling she liked at all, out of control was something she didn’t get a luxury to feel because there wasn’t anyone around to catch her when it happened, no one to shield her when she fell or got too loud or did the wrong thing. out of control is how all of this made her feel and she pressed her forehead to her knees with a frustrated whine. 

“ merry christmas, baby girl. “ 

the hands fell away from the little girl’s eyes and she saw white decorating the ground and it felt like magic, 

“ snow ! “ instead of whirling straight into the white fluff the girl beelined for her dad behind her, wrapping her arms around him, “ you did it , daddy ! “ 

strong arms picked her up and twirled her around as she squealed and laughed as bright as the sun even as her dad clutched her to his chest and fell backward into the soft whiteness of the snow that glittered across their yard. she wriggled from his grasp as he rolled them around in the snow and looked up at her dad who smiled at her like he always did, “ told you i’d make it snow for you, quinnie, anything for my girl. “ 

it had never snowed like that in la and now that she was older she knew her dad had pulled strings to get snow in their yard, a simple call to a company, but to a little girl who wanted the realness of snow it had been everything and her dad had known that. they had stayed out there all day until they were soaked and shivering, he had coaxed her inside with hot chocolate and rudolph and she had fallen asleep in the window seat watching the snow settled in the yard … it had been their last christmas. 

there was the click of heels on asphalt, a ruffle of fabric and a sigh before athena was settled next to her once more, wanting nothing more than to reach out and pull the girl into her arms. 

“ i’m sorry, “ the words were old hat to quinn who spent her life either spitting them dismissively or profusing them to a grieving client … or the woman next to her, “ i’m so sorry. “ 

“ there’s nothing for you to apologize for, quinn. “ the softness in athena’s voice, the mom voice she and may always have teasingly called it makes her ache, makes her want for things she’s too afraid to have, too afraid to lose. “ i know you’re scared and it’s hard for you especially this time of year and as much as i want to just make it all better for you i can’t. “ 

quinn felt her green eyes sting with the press of tears and a sniffle following athena’s words had a gentle hand brushing pale red curls away from her face, stroking through her hair, “ i don’t … i don’t think i can do this anymore. “ 

the hand that was slowly brushing through her curls moved to turn her chin and she was met with a sad but no less warm smile, “ you don’t have to, not anymore. not if you don’t want to.  “ 

it could be so easy … 

“ i’m terrified, “ it was quinn’s breathless admission that had been held back like a warning she displayed to anyone who came close; damaged goods, broken toy, don’t come close; dead inside. athena had seen it all, pushed past the warning signs like a challenge and held her close even when she fought her, maybe especially when she fought her. 

“ i know. “ two words seemed to signal some sort of click in quinn’s head as the tears built up spilled down her cheek and off her chin, “ being scared though it’s just a part of loving something or someone but it doesn’t mean you should just never let yourself feel it again. i’m scared whenever bobby walks out the door in the morning, i’m scared when i say goodbye to the kids, i’m scared whenever you don’t answer the phone and maybe it would be less terrifying to just pack it all in, but then i’d miss out on all the good that love brings me, all the people it brings into my life. “ 

a sob crackled through her chest and escaped her, it sounded aching and tired, it sounded like her. in a second she was swept into warm arms and cradled like she was something fragile. “ you’re going to be okay, i’ve got you now, i’ve got you, baby girl. “ 

she wasn’t naive enough to think one breakdown in a bar’s alleyway would magically fix everything, that she would dry her eyes and feel put together, but it was a start, it was a soothe to some of her jagged edges, it was a way to breathe again. 

∞

tears dried and smudged makeup wiped away by skilled fingers, quinn shuffled in behind athena into the warm chaos that was the grant-nash household. there were decorations strewn about throughout the home, soft christmas music playing over a speaker, the smell of dinner wafting throughout and the sound of voices carrying over everything. 

“ and i’m telling you that you’re wrong ! “ was buck’s shout that rang out through the house and greeted the two women as they came into the living area. the blond was sat on a couch with eddie and was halfway leaned off of it to meet chim who was sat with a fondly grinning maddie, hen with an arm wrapped around her wife rounded out the team. 

“ except i’m not and you are, respect your elders, remember, buck ? “ chim quipped back at him, hands waving around that maddie skillfully dodged before gently grabbing one to hold which of course earned a sappy smile from her boyfriend. the words themselves drew a snort from eddie whose shoulder was promptly whacked by buck. 

“ what are they arguing about now ? “ athena asked as she came into the kitchen where her husband was opening a bottle of wine with quinn once more trailing behind her, feeling oddly unsure even in the shelter that this home was to her, “ i thought when i left they were bonding over the music. “ 

“ which of course led to them arguing about christmas music .. i’m pretty sure they’re actually arguing about which is the classic christmas song. “ bobby said, an amused smile on his face as he came around to hand his wife a glass of wine and a kiss, “ glad you could make it, quinn. “ 

eyes drifting towards the mantle hung with stockings quinn almost started as she was pulled back to the present and offered the older man a half smile, “ me too, bobby. “ 

“ just because you’re older doesn’t make you right, chim ! “ buck said, leaning that much more forward only to be pulled back by eddie’s hand on his shirt keeping him from toppling straight off the couch. 

“ and just cause you’re the baby, doesn’t make you right either ! “ whatever response buck had ready and waiting fell away at chim’s words and he sputtered. 

“ baby ?! i am not the baby ! “ 

“ you’re literally the youngest person here, buckaroo. “ 

“ that doesn’t make me the baby ! “ 

“ throwing the temper tantrum might though, bambi. “ quinn quipped, making her way to the crowd and taking a seat next to karen who gave her a smile and a pat to her knee that had her sinking easily against the cushions. 

“ come on, “ buck said, voice dropping from a shout to an indignant whine as he looked around at all of them, “ did you guys have to tell her about that ? “ 

“ well you just looked so adorable flailing around out there, i couldn’t help it. “ hen said, cooing at him leaving buck leaning back against the couch with a huff. 

“ says you, i think i grew like ten gray hairs everytime he almost faceplanted. “ eddie chimed in, the same fondly exasperated look on his face he had on the ice that day. 

“ i was not that bad. “ buck said, dodging the hand that eddie used to ruffle at his hair as his cheeks flushed with a blush. 

“ not how i heard it. “ quinn said, pulling her socked feet up underneath her on the loveseat as her words caused buck to pout. “ aww, don’t pout, bambi. it’s almost christmas. “ maddie teased her brother earning a dramatic kiss on the cheek from her boyfriend. 

“ i swear if that sticks .. “ the blond said, looking at all of them with a half-pleading, half-glaring expression on his face. 

drinks were passed around as bobby and athena came to join them and for a moment it seemed like everything was there, everything she was so afraid to have and she thought once more of how quick and easy it would be to lose it all. then like that day in the hospital bobby asks her to help him in the kitchen and the confused glances are worth the easiness to draw in a breath, 

“ better ? “ she’s not stupid, she knows there was nothing bobby actually needed help with and something about the realization makes her fingers tingle and ache as she runs a hand through her hair and looks up to meet his sympathetic gaze. 

“ thanks, bobby. “ quinn doesn’t ask how he knew, how he always seems to know because the answers are there in all the things he does and says; the shadows that sometimes swim behind his gaze, the way he looks at buck, may and harry like he’s found something he never thought he’d find again .. sometimes she thinks they just see echoes of their pasts in each other. 

“ no problem, kid. “ bobby said with this understanding smile as he stands next to her, a hand rubbing her shoulder and she thinks last year she never would have been able to do this, never would have let bobby this close, she thinks maybe this is what all that cliched talk of healing is supposed to mean, little things like this. she thinks maybe this she can do. 

green eyes floating towards where the stockings hung once more and then towards the crowd of family scattered throughout the living room she took a breath, thought of her dad without a vice grip on her heart, the way the snow felt against her cheek when he rolled them around and how it felt when she saw her stocking on the mantel with all the others and how if anything else it made all the painful ache in her chest ebb just enough. it was funny how she felt like bambi herself in this moment, shaky legged and unsure as she made her way towards the mantle and picked up the red and white striped stocking with her name stitched in green lettering. 

“ you’re my brave girl, you know that ? “ her dad said, reaching out to tweak her nose causing her to scrunch her features with a giggle. 

“ daddys always say that. “ she protested, legs swinging where she was sat on the kitchen counter. 

“ that’s because daddys are always right, “ he said with a knowing smile as he smoothed the bandage over her knee and reached behind him and like the magic she always assumed her dad had produced a bright blue sucker, “ especially when it comes to their brave girls. “ 

a breath in and a breath out and she carefully placed the stocking on the hook already placed and waiting for her. 

“ looks good up there. “ athena’s voice called from where she was sat and quinn nodded, a smile she hadn’t felt in what felt like such a long time curving her lips as she looked at it before making her way back to her seat with the family and sat down, legs curling underneath her as she looked around at them. these people; these, crazy, wonderful, hilarious, strong and sweet people were hers and maybe she was even theirs. for now, that was enough, for now she could do this. 

“ yeah, yeah it does. “ 

“ merry christmas, baby girl. “ a ruffle of her hair, a kiss against her forehead and the smell of his cologne so clear and present, curling around her like a memory, like a blanket.

[piaclerc]

CNCO meets Queer Eye: Christopher Velez (Part Two)

Yeah I wrote it all together don’t worry. Shoutout to @christophersdicc for waiting❤️

Karamo

Karamo already knows that Chris is super smily

And such a good person

He also did his research and knows everything that Chris had to go through to get where he is

Is super inspired by his whole story and his work ethic and down to earth personality and how he is so happy all of the time

Would work with Chris on time management and relaxation techniques cause even though he isn’t THE sleepy boi, he’s still a sleepy boi

Gets Chris into reading novels and learning about literally everything

Everyone:

Chris: did you know that Leonardo Da Vinci was left handed so all of his notes and writing was mirrored/backwards?

Goes with him to adopt a pet or sponsor a pet

Chris would ask his mom for a dog and she’d be like ???

“You’re on tour for most of your life and you expect me to take care of the dog when you’re gone?”

She gives in anyway after Karamo talks to her

Karamo being Karamo would just convince her in 30 seconds

Gets a blue Staffordshire pitbull cause Ecuador be hot and pit bulls be awesome

Would just fall asleep cuddling his dog

Her name would be Ana

He’d also sponsor an elephant in Africa cause they need to be protected

Would visit her when they’re not on tour or really close by

SO MANY TRUNK HUGS

The elephant absolutely adores him and would be so playful together

Karamo is just like, “AHHH You’re all so cute”

Antoni

Already knows this boy loves to eat

I feel like he would freak Antoni out with how much fast food that he would have to eat during tour

Antoni would be like, “YOU POOR CHILD COME HERE”

I bet my bottom dollar that he would teach Chris 5 minute recipes.

5 cheese grilled cheese for DAYZ

But like also calzones, fried rice, sushi, sandwiches, etc.

Chris would literally be in heaven

Antoni would put out a dish with like 3 portions for an aesthetic plate and Chris would lick it clean

Would def not leave anything for anyone else

Was supposed to make a massive dish for the boys

Ate it all by himself cause it was too good

Would ask Antoni to teach him extra stuff

Like the fancy stuff that high end chefs do

Antoni would be like, “Are you sure that you can handle it?”

But teaches him anyway

Chris would cut himself in three different places

Wouldn’t tell Antoni and just disappears to clean himself up

Comes back with bandaids on his hands

Antoni would be like ???

“what happened?”

Chris would shrug it off and just go back to peeling potatoes

Just a food appreciation binge honestly

Tan

BRO YOU ALREADY KNOW

Chris lookin like he got dressed in a small closet with strobe lights and fun house mirrors

It really is a testament to his beauty and personality that he gets away with some of the stuff that he wears

Tan walks into his closet and has a literal heart attack

Passes out on the bed

Gets up and decides to throw away like 85% of his clothes

Spends a WHOLE day of the week on just getting clothes for Chris and teaching him out to dress

Boy learns how to layer, colour match, pattern match, do textures etc.

Chris leans into a skater boi vibe with his tanks

But Tan is like you can’t wear that everyday

Gets him clothes that are closer to what he wore in the Pretend music video

Cause ngl that whole white jacket over dark shirt was hecking hot

Chris learns to French Tuck

I see a whole closet of button ups, aesthetic tees, jeans, khakis

But there’s also a crap ton of leisure wear cause Tan knows he’s on tour a lot

He gets a lot of athleisure clothes

He gets Chris a lot of blues, grays, and whites/cool tones to compliment his pale skin tone

But also let’s be real he looks good in yellows, reds, and oranges so it really doesn’t matter

Starts a sunglasses collection cause we know how much he loves them

Idk why but I feel like Chris would learn to fold pocket squares and find that the greatest thing ever.

Lets Chris keep his snap back hats and appropriate length flannel

Burns the flannel dress shirt in a bonfire at the end of the week

[fluffmugger]

I haven't read Good Omens but I just got done watching the show and I'm confused on one point: what was behind Aziraphale's decision to not tell Crowley he knew where the antichrist was? I thought it was because he didn't want Crowley to kill him but he later petitions heaven to do just that. What did I miss? Why did he keep that information to himself when before they were trying to find the antichrist together?

He does try to tell Crowley, as in the book. However, at the time Crowley’s dealing with Hastur and Ligur  (well more accurately mexican standoffing against Hastur). So:  1) he tries to be a Good Angel, then fucks that shit off and 2) calls Crowley and that phone convo goes nowhere, then 3) Aziraphale runs face first into Shadwell, tries to stop him from stepping into the communication circle, accidently does so himself, utters the best fuck in the history of mankind and discorporates. The sequence from the book: 

Aziraphale was dithering. He’ d been dithering for some twelve hours. His nerves, he would have said, were all over the place. He walked around the shop, picking up bits of paper and dropping them again, fiddling with pens. He ought to tell Crowley. No, he didn’t. He wanted to tell Crowley. He ought to tell Heaven. He was an angel, after all. You had to do the right thing. It was built-in. You see a wile, you thwart. Crowley had put his finger on it, right enough. He ought to have told Heaven right from the start. But he’d known him for thousands of years. They got along. They nearly understood one another. He sometimes suspected they had far more in common with one another than with their respective superiors. They both liked the world, for one thing, rather than viewing it simply as the board on which the cosmic game of chess was being played. Well, of course, that was it. That was the answer, staring him in the face. It’d be true to the spirit of his pact with Crowley if he tipped Heaven the wink, and then they could quietly do something about the child, although nothing too bad of course because we were all God’s creatures when you got down to it, even people like Crowley and the Antichrist, and the world would be saved and there wouldn’t have to be all that Armageddon business, which would do nobody any good anyway, because everyone knew Heaven would win in the end, and Crowley would be bound to understand. Yes. And then everything would be all right. There was a knock at the shop door, despite the CLOSED sign. He ignored it.Getting in touch with Heaven for two-way communications was far more difficult for Aziraphale than it is for humans, who don’t expect an answer and in nearly all cases would be rather surprised to get one. He pushed aside the paper-laden desk and rolled up the threadbare bookshop carpet. There was a small circle chalked on the floorboards underneath, surrounded by suitable passages from the Cabala. The angel lit seven candles, which he placed ritually at certain points around the circle. Then he lit some incense, which was not necessary but did make the place smell nice.And then he stood in the circle and said the Words. Nothing happened. He said the Words again. Eventually a bright blue shaft of light shot down from the ceiling and filled the circle. A well-educated voice said, “Well?” “It’s me, Aziraphale.” “We know,” said the voice. “I’ve got great news! I’ve located the Antichrist! I can give you his address and everything!” There was a pause. The blue light flickered. “Well?” it said again. “But, d'you see, you can ki—can stop it all happening! In the nick of time! You’ve only got a few hours! You can stop it all and there needn’t be the war and everyone will be saved!” He beamed madly into the light. “Yes?” said the voice. “Yes, he’s in a place called Lower Tadfield, and the address—” “Well done,” said the voice, in flat, dead tones. “There doesn’t have to be any of that business with one third of the seas turning to blood or anything,” said Aziraphale happily. When it came, the voice sounded slightly annoyed. “Why not?” it said. Aziraphale felt an icy pit opening under his enthusiasm, and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. He plunged on: “Well, you can simply make sure that—” “We will win, Aziraphale.” “Yes, but-” “The forces of darkness must be beaten. You seem to be under a misapprehension. The point is not to avoid the war, it is to win it. We have been waiting a long time, Aziraphale.” Aziraphale felt the coldness envelop his mind. He opened his mouth to say, “Do you think perhaps it would be a good idea not to hold the war on Earth?” and changed his mind. “I see,” he said grimly. There was a scraping near the door, and if Aziraphale had been looking in that direction he would have seen a battered felt hat trying to peer over the fanlight. “This is not to say you have not performed well,” said the voice. “You will receive a commendation. Well done.” “Thank you,” said Aziraphale. The bitterness in his voice would have soured milk. “I’d forgotten about ineffability, obviously.” “We thought you had.” “May I ask,” said the angel, “to whom have I been speaking?” The voice said, “We are the Metatron.”* “Oh, yes. Of course. Oh. Well. Thank you very much. Thank you.” Behind him the letterbox tilted open, revealing a pair of eyes. “One other thing,” said the voice. “You will of course be joining us, won’t you?” “Well, er, of course it has been simply ages since I’ve held a flaming sword—” Aziraphale began. “Yes, we recall,” said the voice. “You will have a lot of opportunity to relearn.” “Ah. Hmm. What sort of initiating event will precipitate the war?” said Aziraphale. “We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange would be a nice start.” “Oh. Yes. Very imaginative.” Aziraphale’s voice was flat and hopeless. “Good. We will expect you directly, then,” said the voice. “Ah. Well. I’ll just clear up a few business matters, shall I?” said Aziraphale desperately. “There hardly seems to be any necessity,” said the Metatron. Aziraphale drew himself up. “I really feel that probity, not to say morality, demands that as a reputable businessman I should-” “Yes, yes,” said the Metatron, a shade testily. “Point taken. We shall await you, then.”The light faded, but did not quite vanish. They’re leaving the line open, Aziraphale thought. I’m not getting out of this one. “Hallo?” he said softly, “Anyone still there?” There was silence. Very carefully, he stepped over the circle and crept to the telephone. He opened his notebook and dialed another number. After four rings it gave a little cough, followed by a pause, and then a voice which sounded so laid back you could put a carpet on it said, “Hi. This is Anthony Crowley. Uh. I—” “Crowley!” Aziraphale tried to hiss and shout at the same time, “Listen! I haven’t got much time! The—” “—probably not in right now, or asleep, and busy, or something, but—” “Shutup! Listen! It was in Tadfield! It’s all in that book! You’ve got to stop—” “—after the tone and I’ll get right back to you. Chow.” “I want to talk to you now—” BeeeEEeeeEEeee “Stop making noises! It’s in Tadfield! That was what I was sensing! You must go there and—” He took the phone away from his mouth. “Bugger!” he said. It was the first time he’d sworn in more than four thousand years. Hold on. The demon had another line, didn’t he? He was that kind of person. Aziraphale fumbled in the book, nearly dropping it on the floor. They would be getting impatient soon. He found the other number. He dialed it. It was answered almost immediately, at the same time as the shop’s bell tingled gently. Crowley’s voice, getting louder as it neared the mouthpiece, said, “ — really mean it. Hallo?” “Crowley, it’s me!” “Ngh.” The voice was horribly noncommittal. Even in his present state, Aziraphale sensed trouble. “Are you alone?” he said cautiously. “Nuh. Got an old friend here.” “Listen-!” “Awa’ we ye, ye spawn o’ hell!” Very slowly, Aziraphale turned around.

Shadwell was trembling with excitement. He’d seen it all. He’d heard it all. He hadn’t understood any of it, but he knew what people did with circles and candlesticks and incense. He knew that all right. He’d seen The Devil Rides Out fifteen times, sixteen times if you included the time he’ d been thrown out of the cinema for shouting his unflattering opinions of amateur witchfinder Christopher Lee. The buggers were using him. They’ d been making fools out o’ the glorious traditions o’ the Army. “I’ll have ye, ye evil bastard!” he shouted, advancing like a moth-eaten avenging angel. “I ken what ye be about, comin’ up here and seducin’ wimmen to do yer evil will!” “I think perhaps you’ve got the wrong shop,” said Aziraphale. “I’ll call back later,” he told the receiver, and hung up. “I could see what yer were aboot,” snarled Shadwell. There were flecks of foam around his mouth. He was more angry than he could ever remember. “Er, things are not what they seem—” Aziraphale began, aware even as he said it that as conversational gambits went it lacked a certain polish. “I bet they ain’t!” said Shadwell triumphantly. “No, I mean-” Without taking his eyes off the angel, Shadwell shuffled backwards and grabbed the shop door, slamming it hard so that the bell jangled. “Bell,” he said. He grabbed The Nice and Accurate Prophecies and thumped it down heavily on the table. “Book” he snarled. He fumbled in his pocket and produced his trusty Ronson. “Practically candle!” he shouted, and began to advance. In his path, the circle glowed with a faint blue light. “Er,” said Aziraphale, “I think it might not be a very good idea to—” Shadwell wasn’t listening. “By the powers invested in me by virtue o’ my office o’ Witchfinder,” he intoned, “I charge ye to quit from this place—” “You see, the circle—” “—and return henceforth to the place from which ye came, pausin’ not to—” “—it would really be unwise for a human to set foot in it without—” “—and deliver us frae evil—” “Keep out of the circle, you stupid man!” “—never to come again to vex—” “Yes, yes, but please keep out of—” Aziraphale ran toward Shadwell, waving his hands urgently. “- returning NAE MORE!” Shadwell finished. He pointed a vengeful, black-nailed finger. Aziraphale looked down at his feet, and swore for the second time in five minutes. He’d stepped into the circle. “Oh, fuck,” he said.There was a melodious twang, and the blue glow vanished. So did Aziraphale.

* The Voice of God. But not the voice of God. A entity in its own right. Rather like a Presidential spokesman.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

"Wow, this place has really gone to the dogs."

Anna and Doc were walking up the steps toward the front doors of Dell Valley High. She really felt silly in the Sears getup Doc had hastily helped her procure: a faded denim miniskirt with fishnet stockings, and the gaudiest top she'd ever seen in real life. A parroting of actual 80s style as interpreted by greedy outlet stores.

For some reason, "Time Warp" started playing in the back of her head.

"Remember, we're not here to sightsee," Doc hissed, trying to stuff more of his hair up into the porkpie hat he thought was 'inconspicuous'. "We have barely over one week in which to figure this out. One week in which to cement the romantic bond between your parents before sending you back home. The lightning will strike the clocktower at precisely 10:04 PM next Saturday, and that is our only window of opportunity to harness its power to-"

"Yeah, yeah," she hissed as they wandered through the halls. It looked so grimy and dingy. After a moment, it dawned on her that it was because of the renovations in 2009; before that, evidently, it had been even worse. Of course it looked bad. "If we don't catch the lightning bolt, I'm stuck here forever, or until you can grab us some plutonium. I got it."

"Good. And I would rather not try for plan B, as I'm fairly certain it would bankrupt me and land me in a federal prison. Now… let me know the moment you see either your mother or your father."

Just then, the bell rang, and Anna backed up to the wall and tried to look busy. It was hard without a mobile phone to check incessantly; she didn't know what to do with her hands. She glanced up out of the corner of her eye until she spotted a familiar face, then groaned.

"There's Dad, alright."

Said "dad" was currently stumbling down the hallway, an armful of books clutched against his chest. Following closely, several boys, all of whom seemed to be… kicking him? As soon as he turned around to have a go at them, it became obvious why: he had a huge 'kick me' sign on his back. Anna couldn't entirely suppress a groan. That actually happened to real people? He had yet to notice her – he was trying to stop the boys, and failing spectacularly. One well-placed kick to his behind had him sprawling across the floor. He stood up as quick as he could, trying to yell at the boys to pick up his books, when a very familiar face stepped into view.

"Mr Weselton?" Anna whispered, more to herself than anyone. "Wow, has he always had that godawful toupee?"

The whole scene was equal parts pathetic and terrifying. No wonder it had taken a car accident for her parents to get together; pity, it seemed, was a fairly strong motivator. Finally – as soon as Mr Weselton had stalked off to harass some other unsuspecting student – she left Doc with a shrug and went over to help him up.

"Kristoff, heeeeey!" she said in a cheery voice, helping to gather his books and papers. She tried not to snort when she saw the words 'Trapper Keeper' on his binder, but then put that out of her mind for the moment.

"O-oh, it's you. What do you want?"

Again, she marveled that he could wind up with any woman, much less Elsa Baines. "What do I- hey, listen, I just wanna follow up on how you're doing. You know, after I saved you from the car?"

No harm in a little guilt. And it did the trick; he dipped his head in shame. "S-sorry about that. What I was doing… I m-mean, you probably want an explan-"

"Birdwatching, right? You had those binoculars." It was the excuse her parents always gave for his behaviour, which she now knew was a total lie. But she did her best to mask her feelings of disgust. "Accidents happen all the time, my friend."

"Right." He smiled very slightly. This was probably the first time any girl had done anything besides curl her lip at him and call him a nerd. "Anyway, I'm doing okay. How about you? I saw you got hit by that car, I w-wanted to help, but… I don't know, that man was so angry…"

"Yeah, no problem, er… dude." He gave a hesitant smile. Maybe this slang thing wasn't as hard as she thought. "Actually, about that. So, the guy who hit me, turns out his daughter goes here. Elsa Baines? And we got chatting, as y'know, us crazy kids do, and she mentioned like… seeing you around the 'hood. I'm just on my way to see her, you should come introduce yourself."

Whoa, reign it in, Anna. But fortunately he hadn't seemed to notice her terrible attempt at adapting and blending in. Instead, the color drained from his face. "You're not gonna tell her about the- the birdwatching, are you? Honest, I just like looking at her – not like that! I didn't- I fell because I didn't expect… to see all that. You know. I swear I've never looked in a window and seen…"

When he literally got too flustered to speak any further, Anna put her hand on his shoulder. "I won't tell if you don't," she said, fixing him with a steady gaze. "But maybe… don't do it again?"

He nodded sharply. "Done. Never happen again."

Well, that wasn't so hard. Anna wasn't sure if it was because Kristoff was trying to be noble or whether he was so wussy that he'd agree to anything; either way, it had the desired effect. Turning on her heel, she began walking down the hallway.

Every parent-teacher interview had begun with a 'sightseeing tour' to her parent's lockers. At the time, Anna had hated it, though now she was grateful because she at least remembered the vague area where her mother's was located. Kristoff was quiet for the most part, but when they neared Elsa and her small group of friends, he suddenly became quite nervous. She felt him tug on her elbow, bringing them both to a stop halfway down the hallway. She hadn't noticed them, and Anna doubted she would if they remained there.

"Is she really… interested in me?" he asked, wide eyes looking at Anna. Not a bad looking guy despite his clothes and haircut. If he had a makeover and a stronger personality, she had no misconceptions that he might be able to get a girl.

She had just started to form an answer, "Of course, you're a catch!" on her lips, when she was interrupted before she could begin. As it turned out, she had been wrong about how inconspicuous they were.

"Tori?!" Elsa cried, eyes lighting up and a wide smile on her face. She took a step forward, seemed to realise how obvious it was, and then took a step backwards to compensate. "Hey, how are you this morning? How's your head?"

A reddish hue had already begun to seep into her skin. It was adorable, and it was plain to see that Elsa was the worst closeted queer person Anna had ever laid eyes on. Her heart fell a little as she imagined what small, insignificant thing she would do that might eventually clue her parents in and begin the homophobic rants that all but beat the rainbows out of her. Stupid 80s and their backwards way of thinking.

"Doing great, great. No pain. Anyway… um, this is Kristoff. The boy I saved?"

"Hey," he said, though that seemed to be all he could get out.

What if she split the difference? Tried to tell a little of the truth without revealing the worst parts. "He was birdwatching, but… I got it out of him that the reason he was by your house is because he keeps trying to work up the courage to… well, y'know."

But Elsa didn't know. Or it seemed like she didn't care, because instead of glancing at him, she walked forward to reach up and gently touch Anna's bruise. "You're sure you're okay, Tori? It's looking a little black and blue now…"

Suppressing a shiver, Anna stepped backward with a shaky laugh. "Y-yeah, fine! So, um… about Kristoff-"

"I was just telling Ariel and Jasmine about you," Elsa went on as if there had been no interruption, barely gesturing to each girl as she introduced them. The ginger with the huge blue eyes kept glancing between her friend and the newcomer, equal parts mistrustful and curious. "How brave you were, and how cool you looked. What was that shirt you were wearing? It had, like, guns and roses on it. Pretty rad."

"O-oh, it's a band." At the last second, she caught herself – how old was GNR? "Up- up and coming. Seriously, they're going to be the next big thing."

This was not going at all how she wanted. The way Elsa was smiling made it apparent that it was going the way she wanted it to, though. Crud. Anna glanced over Elsa's shoulder, looking at her friends. The ginger – Ariel, she thought – was brushing a thin comb through her hair. The other was buffing her fingernails and glancing over at Elsa impatiently.

Come to think of it, Elsa hadn't really mentioned her friends last night, which got Anna curious. Leaning forward, voice lowering to a whisper, she asked, "Do your friends… know?"

Elsa didn't seem to understand at first; when it finally clicked, she looked like she was about to have a heart attack. She finally looked at Kristoff of her own accord, desperate for a distraction; he was looking at his shoes and trying to make himself seem smaller than he was – a feat in itself.

She didn't even need to answer, because that was telling enough. It was probably stupid to remind Elsa of her burgeoning sexuality, because she looked like she wanted to step even closer.

"Of course they know about you." Oh God. "I was telling them how my dad hit you with his car –

how brave it was for you to save your friend Christopher from the car."

"Kristoff," Kristoff interjected, head lifting for a second. Elsa completely ignored him.

"Right, Kristoff," Anna said. Back on task. "He really wanted to get to know you, but wasn't sure how. Because obviously, you look so hella rad." Seeing their blank faces, she went on, "Rad. Just rad. Sorry."

At that point, Elsa finally looked at him for longer than a half-second, but unfortunately he had chosen that moment to glance over his shoulder at a noise that had come from down that hallway. Like a scared little mouse. 'Great going, Dad,' she thought with a wince.

"Well, it's good to meet him. And to see you, Victoria. I really… I want us to hang out more."

"Great! Then we'll hang out more! Right, Ariel, Jasmine? Kris?"

The girls nodded immediately, but she had to nudge her father before he started and yelped, "SURE! S-sure, yeah, it sounds great. I'd love to, um, out-hang."

Just at that moment, the bell rang. Elsa's friends gave her a nudge, but moved past her. Kristoff was already at the other end of the hallway before it had even finished ringing. This was going to be harder than she thought.

Turning away, she was only a little surprised to see Elsa still standing there. She hadn't noticed at first, but Elsa probably looked even better than yesterday. So much denim – but she wore it well.

"Uh, aren't you gonna be late for class?"

Instead of answering, Elsa bit her lip. Her eyes were wide, and her fingers twitched like she wanted something but was too scared to ask. It only took Anna a moment to figure out what: when she opened her arms a little, uncertain, it took Elsa less than that to throw herself into the hug.

As terrible an idea as it seemed, Anna couldn't bring herself to cut it short. Not when she'd been craving such a thing from her mother for so many years: genuine love and affection. Denying her would only mean denying herself.

"I'm so happy you're here," Elsa breathed. "I was afraid that after last night, you'd… y'know?"

"I would what?" Maybe Anna didn't want to know; the idea hurt. That she would abandon Elsa after finding out that she was queer. But maybe Elsa had been through that once before.

"Never mind," Elsa whispered, pulling back and squeezing her hands. "Um, I'd better get to class; I'd cut, but Weselton always jumps out from behind a rock to catch us. Like our own personal Snidley Whiplash."

Though she had no idea who that was, Anna nodded and patted her upper arm. "Sure, yeah. See you after class?"

"Yeah, of course." Elsa hesitated, then leapt forward to ghost her lips over Anna's cheek. "And thanks, for um… for keeping my little secret."

"Our little secret," Anna corrected automatically, before realising that she maybe shouldn't do that. But it was too late; Elsa was already skipping off to class, jean jacket and braid bouncing in her wake. Anna just stared after her, all the way until she disappeared around the corner.

She also shrieked when Doc came up behind her. She'd completely forgotten that he even existed. He ignored her shriek, naturally.

"Astounding," he was saying. "Your mother didn't even spare him a glance. And that look in her eyes… well, the very fact that no one has figured out her sensibilities is an utter mystery."

"Oh god Doc, what are we gonna do?"

But for that question, neither had a suitable answer. They began making their slow way out of the school, brainstorming aloud to each other.

"What do kids even do in the Eighties? That uh… hoop with the stick? Jumping jacks?"

"Please, Future Girl," Doc said. "Those were out of style before even I was a boy. No, we need something…intimate. A social event with no expectations. One where they can get to know each other and have a good time at a somewhat leisurely pace. Currently your mother has no emotional opinion about your father. That needs to change."

"Well, I did say we should all hang out. Maybe go to the mall? And that way, I can start kind of, um, pushing them together." Never mind that she felt guilty about doing that now. Clearly, Elsa was more interested in women, and even if she were going to go for a guy, Kristoff was a terrible candidate.

"That will work for a start." Sighing, he patted her shoulder. "This situation is an unprecedented conundrum, and I don't envy you. But this is of paramount importance. I want you to stay here and keep an eye on those two, while I go back to the lab and work on the DeLorean's starter. I can't take it to an actual DMC dealership with all those components on it, so I'll be doing the work myself, and I'm a scientist, not a mechanic."

Nodding, she turned back toward the school. "Good luck, Doc. I'm… well, I'll do what I can with what I got, I guess. Just hope this doesn't explode in my face."

                                                 ~ o ~

For the rest of the day, Anna skulked around Dell Valley High, trying to figure out how to do anything to influence the outcome of her parents' relationship. Nothing doing. While in classes, she couldn't even get in there without arousing the suspicion of the teachers, so she was restricted to time between classes, and lunch.

During lunch was when she ran into the biggest, meatiest roadblock of all: Hans.

She was sitting across from Kristoff, picking off his fries and trying to convince him to make the first move in inviting the girls to 'chill out'.

"I dunno. I want to but- well what if they say no?" he asked. "I couldn't take that kind of rejection…"

Anna could understand that – it was why, despite the fact that she knew Jennifer was into her, she hadn't been able to work up the courage to actually ask her out. Still, him mousing around wasn't going to get them anywhere, and she only had a week to keep herself from vanishing.

"Trust me," Anna began. "Once she gets to know you, it'll be true love! But you gotta stop wimping out."

"I know, I know. I just can't help it. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's interested in someone else."

Anna's blood ran cold. How could he know? Did someone tell him? Clearing her throat, she asked in a very small, obviously fearful voice, "…Who?"

"Hah, who else?" He lifted a hand, still staring at his notebook, and pointed at her – no, wait. Somewhere behind her. "Hans."

When Anna glanced over her shoulder, she saw Hans was indeed chatting up Elsa. Not that Elsa was the least bit interested. She actually looked incredibly annoyed, if her scowl and hunched shoulders meant anything. For now, it was just talking, but she already knew that Hans wasn't above getting a little physical.

"Read some social cues, buddy," she told Kristoff flatly. "She'd rather kick him under a bus than go out with him."

"That's not really my, um, field of expertise," he went on as he bent low over his notebook, scratching out a line and beginning to write something above it.

"God, what are you doing that's so much more important than your dream girl?" Snatching the notebook, she squinted at it…

And her jaw dropped in shock. All she had to do was read the line 'She put down the laser rifle and reached for his fur-clad hand' before she got the picture – which was just as well, because then the notebook was being snatched right back out of her hand.

"HEY! That's n-not something I let just anybody read, you know!"

"Kristoff… wow, you write fanfiction?"

But the term seemed to catch him off guard – which was at least enough to cut through his flash of anger. Pushing his greasy locks out of his eyes, he asked, "Fan… what? Do you mean, um, fantasy fiction? I'm more of a science fiction guy… b-but anyway, sorry, I'm just not ready to let anybody read this stuff."

That was interesting. Mainly because her father had literally never said a single word about writing. All her entire life, he only complained about work, doted on his alcoholic wife, and chatted about TV or movies. Other subjects were much more incidental, and never once included that he had a love of the written word; sure, he read, but he never talked about what he read… and Anna hadn't been interested, anyway.

Maybe the rift between her and her parents wasn't entirely their fault.

"Oh. Well, um… I'm sorry. But hey, maybe you could come back to your furry boy and his laser-chick after we take care of Baines over there, right?"

"I don't know why you care so much," he sighed. But then he frowned over her shoulder. "And anyway, it seems to be going fine between them."

Of course, that was the moment that Elsa's voice rang clear through the cafeteria, "Get lost, Hans!"

He didn't. If anything, he got closer. The whole room had become quiet – not silent, but the noise was low enough that now Anna could actually hear what he was saying.

"Aww, c'mon babe. You don't want the school thinking you're a dyke, do you?"

That got her. Anna could see Elsa crumple. Her heart still swelled with pride when Elsa still stood up for herself, despite how much the words had cut her down.

"I said no, Hans. Now get. Lost."

Clearly, he wasn't taking the hint. "Listen you little–"

Anna moved. Hans was even more of a gross pig here than he was in the future and he was not getting away with it; she would have done the same for any woman, even if they weren't as important to her as her mother was. Jumping up, she stalked over to them. Elsa noticed her first, a smile replacing the frown. "Tori!"

"Alright, Fuckboy McDouche," Anna began. Of course that was when Hans noticed her. Standing to his full height, he made for an impressively intimidating feature.

"What did you call me?"

"You heard me!" Then she noticed everyone surrounding them shared his look of confusion. Oh, right; era-appropriate lingo. "Um jerk-face. Yeah! She said to leave her alone, you jerk!"

Oh crud. He took a step forward, hand curling into a fist in front of her. Then, without any obvious reason why he should, he stopped.

"Excuse me?" Mr Weselton had his arms over his chest, bad toupee still wobbling even though he had come to a stop. "Am I to understand that you have reached a new low, even for you, Tannen? Winding up to punch a girl half your size?"

Hans switched gears immediately, smiling that slippery, conniving smile of his as he patted Anna on the shoulder. "Sorry, Teach. I was merely going to remind this girl that she shouldn't call people names. Part of my civic duty."

"If you've ever actually stayed awake through a civics class, Tannen, I'll eat my boots. Now, release the girl before you wind up in detention."

She almost hoped he would do it. Hoped he would punch her, and then end up in detention – or even better, give her an excuse to punch him back. All those years, listening to him make lewd comments about her mother, watching him push her father around…

"Right, right." He leaned in just a little more, saying through gritted teeth, "Sorry." Then he was turning and striding away, his trio of idiot friends cackling and pounding him on the back.

"Tori…" Even as the crowd was breaking up, as Weselton was stalking after them, all Anna could see was Elsa, rising from the bench and away from her two friends, who were staring at Anna as if she had literally stepped out of a Jet Li movie. Or was it Bruce Lee in the 80s?

"H-hey, don't mention it," Anna muttered as Elsa grasped both of her hands. Then a spark of an idea came to her; embellishing the truth slightly. "Actually, it was Kristoff who noticed first. I'd never have seen it happening if he wasn't so worried about you."

However, on the subject of her father, all Elsa had to say was, "Who?"

THAT didn't bode well.

"Oh, y'know, Kristoff…" Her voice trailed off when she turned back and Kristoff…wasn't there anymore. He had beaten a hasty retreat when he could see a fight was about to break out. And Elsa was distracted, anyway.

"That was really brave of you, Tori. No one's ever stood up to Hans before!"

"Well maybe they should. He's only gonna get worse, right?"

Neither had a chance to say anything more because Elsa's friends swiftly came up to them. One of them offered Anna a smile and gushed, "Dude, that was pretty wicked!" It was small consolation when Anna's plans to get her parents making babies kept failing, but hey – at least she wasn't unpopular in the 80s. That had to stand for something. What was the term? She wasn't a square.

"Thanks, babes," she said, cocking her head and pointing a fingergun at them like an overconfident dudebro. They laughed, which seemed to be a good sign. "We're all hanging out tonight, right? At… Twin Pines Mall?"

"For sure!" Elsa spoke for them. As if they would argue with her, given the interest of the other two girls and their clearly 'beta' mentality. Her mom was the leader of the pack, alright.

"Sweet!" Another weird silence. "Sweet… of you to agree! With me! Right?"

Luckily, one of Elsa's friends jumped in. "We could see that new Death Wish, or the new Freddy sequel?"

"To Live and Die in L.A.!" the other friend whined. They all rolled their eyes; apparently, this had been discussed before and nobody else was interested.

"Yeah, sure! Why not?" Anna knew absolutely nothing about any of those. Why were all the 80s movies so violent-sounding? Shaking that off, she pulled Elsa aside to talk to her alone.

"Hey… listen. I know this might be a little weird…"

"What?"

"Kristoff." When Elsa only frowned, she went on, "He's kinda nervous around you, because he likes you so much. So just… I know it might be a lot to ask-"

"Don't bite his head off?" she guessed with a slight smirk. When Anna shrugged, Elsa nodded. "Okay, okay. I'll try to be nice to the nerd burger, but I can't pretend that you're not a lot more… tubular."

"O-oh." Oh wow. Even Punz had never been so forward – and that wasn't even really all that forward anyway!

But the worst part was, Anna couldn't blame Elsa. Not about the liking her part, shocking as it was, but about the not-liking-Kristoff part. As sad as it was, she was starting to see why her family hadn't felt like one for a long time. Why maybe her mother didn't seem to like her children, let alone herself. The jigsaw pieces were falling into place: Grandma Baines, the accident, the lack of options…

If Anna had grown up in 1980s instead of the 2000s, she'd probably try and 'pray the gay away', too. Settle for the first guy who came along who wasn't Hans. Elsa's only choice had been to conceal her feelings and play the role of the straight woman she most certainly was not. Forever.

"Elsa," Anna said, voice barely a whisper. She noticed Elsa's friends lean in a little closer, so taking a risk, she grabbed Elsa's hand, leading her even further away. This wasn't going to be easy… "Look, you can't say things like that, okay?"

Elsa's whole face fell at that simple sentence. "I don't- what?"

Sighing, Anna gritted her teeth and looked away. This situation was so impossible! Here was Anna, a pretty girl straight out of her queer mother's fantasy. How could she encourage Elsa to be herself while keeping herself out of reach?

Fortunately for her, she was saved from trying to speak when the bell rang – she'd never been so grateful for a lunch break to be over.

"I um, I have phys ed," Elsa offered, when Anna didn't say anything. Her head was bowed, and she tried to push past Anna- but her conscience wouldn't let her allow that.

"Elsa, wait." She did stop, and Anna let out a sigh. "I do care about you. This is just really… sudden. Like I said, I have a girl back home, and… and I don't know. But you're definitely a hella- I mean, a wicked… rad… cool girl. Okay?"

Finally, Elsa looked up. She offered a tight smile, but at least it was a smile. "Don't worry. I'll totally be fine. I'll uh, I'll see you at the mall?" she asked softly.

There was such hope in her voice. And- well, it couldn't make it worse, could it?

"Sure," Anna said with a beaming grin she didn't fully feel. "I'll be there."

Smile relaxing slightly, her future mother touched her wrist in an affectionate gesture, and headed off to the gym. Leaving her future daughter wanting to pull her own hair out.

                                                To Be Continued…

[vowel-in-thug]

for the drabbles prompt thing could you please write some more smallpox verse? silver/thomas + 4. “Come here. Let me fix it.” thank you.

HEY ANON HOPE YOU’RE STILL HERE because i answered this 574389657348967 months after you sent it to me

this.........may be the most domestic grossness i have ever written so like...............watch out.

also shouting out @ponytailflint who literally commented again on the last smallpox fic about Thomas’s hand :)

Every so often, everything stills and quiets, and in that calm, Flint silently wonders how the fuck this became his life. It’s like he’s holding his breath, living these moments almost from the outside, watching them through a hazy glass in disbelief. He has to force himself to exhale, to not dwell on his reality too long. He’s afraid it may collapse like a dream if he looks too hard at the impossibility of it all.

He is sitting at his breakfast table with Silver and Thomas. Early morning frost sprinkles the edges of the windows as they sit down to eat together. Flint is wearing several pairs of socks. This isn’t a dream.

Above the Three Swallows Inn are just two apartments, but both have a kitchen, a parlor, and a bedroom. There’s also a hallway none of the guests downstairs can get to, so it’s become like a very large, odd home for the three of them. They still share a bed every night, but the extra rooms and the ability for actual privacy if wanted have made life a lot smoother.

Flint has developed an intense love of coffee, and is enjoying his first cup of the day while looking at the two men across the table. They are both too busy to tease Flint about his socks, or the blanket he has wrapped around his shoulders, over his day clothes. They don’t tease, but Thomas had taken the opportunity to kiss the red tips of his ears on his way to the table, while Silver had stroked the flushed bridge of his nose before sitting down.

Flint doesn’t have an aversion to the cold, exactly. He just hates how fucking pink his skin gets when the temperature drops.

“It’s not a problem,” says Silver, hand outstretched towards Thomas. “I can do it.”

“No!” says Thomas, clutching the boot in his lap. “I said I’d fix it for you. I’ve almost got it.”

Silver sighs heavily before turning back to the newspaper he normally never gets a chance to read. Thomas smiles, turning back to the boot.

It’s been a little over a month since Doctor Reynolds broke and then fixed Thomas’s hand. It had taken some convincing before Thomas finally agreed to do it -- not that Flint or Silver had any opinion on the subject. They just wanted what was best for him, after all. No, it had been at least two weeks of Thomas arguing with himself over it.

Eventually, before complying, he’d had Flint draw up a list of all the reasons why he should ignore the risk potentially damaging his hand more and the disappointment that might follow, and do it:

Write own essays

Correspondence

Properly hold a knife and fork

Table manners in general (Thomas had made him emphasize this)

Cut dressing time in half

Punch people back if necessary (Flint had crossed this out)

Jerk self off

Jerk James off

Jerk Silver off  (Silver had added this one despite Thomas’s weak protests, which then devolved into a lewd a vivid conversation between the two of them that Flint thought it best not to commit to paper

So, Thomas had gone along with it, and seemingly his hand is healing nicely, but he must do certain exercises to keep the fingers strong. He’s relearning how to write and he cleans Flint’s carpentry tools and he even does some scales at Silver’s piano. But his favorite activity is untangling things. He’s collected strings, yarns, ropes, and chains -- and he loves to tangle and untangle them while studying Doctor Reynold’s medical texts, or while listening to Flint read aloud, or while hanging out unhelpful advice when Flint and Silver try to play chess.

That morning, Silver had entered the kitchen barefoot, complaining about his boot laces, and Thomas had thrown down his coveted newspaper and had snatched it out of his hand, forgetting all about his breakfast.

“How do you even manage to do this,” he mutters to himself, fingers clumsily moving over a massive knot.

Silver shrugs, not looking up from his paper. After a moment, he takes a quill and writes something down on a piece of parchment beside him.

Flint exhales.

“Would I like brandy?” Silver asks no one in particular, not looking up.

“No,” Flint says, just as Thomas says, “You can’t afford it anyway.”

Silver doesn’t react to either of these remarks, but just makes another notation on his paper.

Flint sips his coffee. The other two men prefer tea, which is fine with him. He would give his life for both of them, but he finds in himself the intense desire to covet his coffee beans for himself. It’s sharper than tea and wakes him faster, keeps him warmer longer in the center of his chest.

“Do you think there’s room downstairs for a cockfighting ring and a marionette stage?” Silver asks.

“I think you have room for neither,” says Thomas, wrenching at the laces, “because I’m going to kill myself and have my coffin and headstone entombed inside the hallowed walls of the Three Swallows Inn just so you can’t fit either of those things in that space.”

Silver just nods, and makes another note.

Flint helps himself to Thomas’s breakfast, knowing he’ll just let the porridge grow cold as he works to undo the ties. He peers at the back page of Silver’s paper.

“Looks like Mr. Singer has lost his bleedin’ cow again,” he says, squinting at the page.

Silver blinks, and flips it over. “What? Again?” He reads the ad. “It doesn’t say it’s his.”

Flint snorts, helping himself to more porridge. “‘Stray’d from a certain Perfon in Bofton on Thursday the 11th,’” Flint reads, “‘a large, red, lean Cow, with a white Spot near her Bag on the right Side.’ I wonder if his reward will be better than last time.” Last time, Singer had given the lad who’d found the cow wandering in the Common a single bag of garden seeds.

“If he did that, people would just keep stealing it,” Thomas says. “A-ha!” He holds the boot triumphantly, the laces dangling loosely over his head. “Finally! Here -- wait. Ugh. You utter bastard.”

“What?” Flint asks, cocking his head. “What’s wrong?”

Silver doesn’t move, except to take a sip of his tea.

Thomas gestures viciously with the boot. “This is the left one! Why do you even still have this!”

Silver says nothing, but continues to read the classified section of the newspaper that he never gets to read, because Thomas throws them away in case they feature a slave. But Silver has turned into a surprisingly practical businessman, and loves to scour the ads for failed taverns auctioning up their belongings, or newly arrived merchants listing their goods for a deal.

“Ugh,” says Thomas again, and then throws the boot over his shoulder. “You’re lucky my sense of accomplishment won’t leave me for hours, or I’d be really aggravated right now.”

Silver finally looks up from the paper to smile indulgently at Thomas, but when he looks back at the paper, he’s still smiling, too small for anyone but himself, but Flint sees it anyway.

“Should I buy fifty chests of prunes?” Silver asks the table.

“From what ship?” Flint asks.

A pause. “The Aurora Snow.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“That’s a Boston-built ship,” Flint says. “There’s likely as many rats as there are prunes in those chests.”

“A better question is why you’d ever want to own that many prunes,” says Thomas, poking at his half-eaten porridge. “This is a house free from shame, and there is nothing shameless about prunes. I -- damn! I’m late for work.”

Flint frowns at the clock. It’s not one he’s made, because he hasn’t made any yet, but it’s not one of Christopher’s either, because fuck that guy. “This is when you’re normally up, isn’t it?”

Thomas rushes to the coat rack, stuffing his hat on his head backwards. “I was supposed to be early today, so I’m already forty minutes late. Damn! Where’s my --”

Flint holds out his scarf, which he’d had wrapped around his wrist for extra warmth.

“Thank you,” Thomas says, taking it from him and giving him a wet kiss. “Your lips are like ice, darling. You should put on another layer if you’re feeling chilled.”

“Asshole,” Flint smiles.

Thomas presses a shorter kiss to the scar of Flint’s cheek, then moves to leave.

Without looking up from his paper, Silver tilts his face, presenting his cheek as Thomas passes.

Without pausing in fixing his hat, Thomas leans down and kisses the corner of Silver’s lips, then keeps walking to the door.

Flint sees the moment they both realize what just happened. Silver keeps staring at the paper, his eyes wide and his cheeks slightly flushed. Thomas had stopped walking like he’d run into a wall, and is standing awkwardly with one foot raised, frozen in place. He takes an abortive gesture to turn around, and Flint can see his mouth working soundlessly in profile.

Taking pity on them both, Flint gently clears his throat.

Silver finally blinks, and now he’s blinking a lot, fists clenching the paper tightly. Thomas visibly straightens, mutters, “Right. Bye,” and then leaves quickly, his scarf trailing behind.

Neither of them move right away.

Silver glances up at him and frowns. “Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Just stop.” He frowns harder, cheeks still pink. His sleeve is currently resting in his inkwell. He looks flustered and warm.“You know you look insane when you grin like that.”

“I know,” Flint says, and grins harder.

Silver huffs, drawing the paper up to obscure his whole face. Flint no longer feels cold, but his face still hurts from smiling so hard. He leans over the table to take the rest of Silver’s uneaten porridge. It’s not quite hot anymore, but it’s still good.

“You know,” he says, “I think he’s starting to like you.” 

“Stop.”

Flint wants to tease him more, because watching Silver squirm is one of life’s greatest pleasures. But he stops himself, and instead runs one socked foot over Silver’s bare one. He traces the bumps of his toes, rubs the arch and the ball before sliding higher up to his ankle. He can’t see under the table, so he sees instead the way Silver slowly relaxes at the caress, no longer hiding behind his paper. He still is too embarrassed to look at Flint, but he shifts just a bit in his chair, just an inch forward, so that Flint can stroke up his calf, too.

This used to be his dream, and it used to be his nightmare, too, depending on how he was -- who he was -- when he woke up. This is a dream, even though it’s not a dream. It’s the understanding of what love is supposed to be. It’s unthought of. It’s that simple. It’s as instinctive as blinking, it’s as known as a heart beat. To be loved is to never have to wonder if you are loved. Flint can breathe easy, knowing there’s someone waiting up for him, behind a door or on a cliff or in a field or on a beach. He can breathe easy, knowing he has people to wait for.

Silver moves his leg minutely against him, and then casually lets one hand fall on the table towards Flint. He’s finished with his breakfast, so Flint sees no reason not to put down his spoon and take up Silver’s hand, stroking his thumb the same way he strokes his ankle.

The corner of Silver’s mouth is still wet from Thomas’s lips.

Flint exhales.

[deeperthanloveff]

Chapter 40

Karrueche

“Um come in” I heard Robin say from behind the door.

I knew she was in there with someone I could hear her telling them to go into the bathroom for a minute. I figured it was Odell seeing as they were just kissing a little while ago. When I pushed the door he was pecking her lips before turning to leave.

“Kae bae! Wassup” he said hugging me.

I smiled “oh nothing just pregnant and getting fat, the usual.”

He laughed “you look pretty stop it, but let me get back before the guys think I went to rob a bank or something.”

He pulled in the door behind me and I couldn’t help but notice Robin being annoyed by our exchange. Understanding seeing as I’m marrying her dream guy I wouldn’t want my new one talking to her either.

“What do you wanna talk about?” She asked raising an eyebrow.

“Well it’s been four years and shit, this is long overdue. I think you have all these misconceptions about me. Most of them my fault because of how I treated you and most of them because of Chris and how shit played out. I just think as women we need to have an understanding” I said a smirk popping up on her face.

“I understand you fucked my husband and got pregnant and we divorced because your a whore. Is there something I’m missing?” She asked.

I held my barely there bump needing comfort because I could feel this getting ugly in a second “Robin that’s not even what happened. I didn’t plan this shit! You think I wanted to get pregnant when I did knowing that he was just gonna be my baby daddy? I never meant or wanted this for any of us, but here we are? You gonna hate me forever?”

Robin sighed “Karrueche please ok. You opened your legs point blank fucking period. While you’re both the cause for my pain nothing is excusing the fact you crossed a heavy ass line. Then what makes it worse is he just settled for you  instead of fighting for his family and life back.”

I shook my head “no he spent a year fighting for you back and you continued your relationship with Odell, just because you had to make him feel the way he made you feel. You think the sun rises and sets on your ass.”

“Regardless to what if you like me or not I’m not in here pleading for that. I can careless, I just need to know where you stand with him. I’m not stupid I know you want him back now. I see it in your eyes. You’re me 6 years ago when he told me he wanted you instead.”

She smiled and came closer bringing her face closer to mine. There was I time I’d back away, but I wasn’t scared of her “oh, you see that huh? That thing you notice is just the love he still has deep down. He knows you’re a weak excuse of a woman and you’d never leave no matter what he did so he’s marrying you. The easy choice, but baby girl he lived and breathes all that I am and you’ll never have him the way I did or do. What you got his kids so you think that’s what will make him stay? If I wanted him to be in my bed it’s really that easy. You haven’t won shit remember I left him, for all it’s worth if I put myself out there enough I could get him back.”

I scrunched my face pushing her back “you’re such a bitter bitch, you think you can just snap your fingers and get what you want!” I screamed.

Robin laughed “ohhhh she raises her voice, bitch puhhhhlease! You know what he told me the other night. He’s with you because he’s scared I’ll leave him again so he won’t leave. You really think you doing something?”

“You ever think he tells your insecure ass what you need to hear cause you beg him to come “home” so much?“ I asked raising my voice.

I didn’t come in here with the intent to yell or be petty but she’s taking me there. I just wanted us to agree we’d get along for the sake of the kids, but lord this woman can try your patience.

"Kaeeee!” I heard Chris calling me, but instead of answering Robin proceeded to taunt me.

“Oh, is someone worried that he’ll actually not come back? You know the night you called him crying he’d just finished getting the ride of his life from this little pussy right here? Bitch do yourself a huge favor and bounce!”

Chris walked past the door and heard us so he back tracked “What the hell is going on? Why are y'all yelling at each other? You’re pregnant baby come on now!” He asked pushing open the door.

I ignored him “Chris do you love her more than me? Are you settling is that true?”

He looked at her and I felt like I disappeared for a moment. He came in the guest room and closed the door. I was getting annoyed because he wasn’t saying anything and it was really bothering me. Chris loved to play and I wasn’t playing with his ass. “What’s going on? I can hear Robin yelling from upstairs and why are you yelling at my girl?” He asked flipping his hat backwards.

“Hell no, answer me motherfucker!” I snapped.

“Yeah it’s time we put the truth out there don’t you think? Tell her the truth. Tell her how you agreed to work shit out, tell you how you said you miss us, tell her how you got our children believe daddy is coming back home, tell her that you love me. I’m tired of the lies Chris!” She snapped looking at him.

He sighed and rubbed his hands down his face “look man I don’t think this is the time or place to discuss this. Y'all really wilding in here and Robin why you even arguing with her she’s pregnant she can’t be stressed out” he said looking at Robin with irritation in his eyes.

I chuckled “you love to talk in circles you know that. Chris I will walk out of here and never look back if you don’t admit the truth.”

He tried to grab my hand but I snatched it away. I was tired of this back and forth shit. If it killed me this motherfucker was going to make a final decision period. I’m not letting him slide on maybe anymore.

“Baby no, I just think this is pointless we’re getting married and it’s you I love. I don’t think there’s shit else to say” he said stroking my cheek softly.

Robin laughed “so you proposed and that means you love her more? Is that what you’re saying because if that’s what your saying then shit pork chops you got it!”

Chris looked at her again and licked his lips. She flipped her straight hair to the side and raised an eyebrow. It’s like they had this silent conversation and once again I was gone from the room. “Nope hell no. She has a hold on you. You look at her like she’s the only girl that exists Christopher. I’m so tired of this” I said turning to sit on the bed in the room.

I was taking deep breaths trying to remain calm. I had to be careful. The doctor was still monitoring me during my pregnancy since I lost one baby. Stress wasn’t an option.

He stuffed in his hands in his pockets and looked between the two of us before opening his mouth again “you know what fuck it!”

“How long has it been since our divorce has been final?” He asked Robin directly.

“Four years, 2 months Chris.”

“Ok and before I signed the papers at the desk what did I say to you?”

She smiled and looked away “You said, ‘Melody I’m doing this because you want this, but I’ll never be ok with this. If you know you love me like I love you we don’t have to do this and we can try again. You’ll always be my fire and desire.”

“Alright, but what did you do?”

She sighed “I signed the papers.”

“So tell me Robin, what changed please. What be fits you in here yelling at my fiancé like she stole something from you that has always been yours, but you didn’t want?” He asked her and I was eager to hear.

He looked at me but kept his distance. His gaze the entire time reading that he was sorry. He knew better than to mess with me at the moment.

“Chris, I was weak. Shit, I couldn’t take half of what I could now. But fuck that lets flip it. If you know that you love me like I love you than we can try again” she said making him laugh.

I kept staring at the beautiful canary yellow diamond Chris put my on finger and all I kept thinking about was how 20 years from now I’d be fighting with this girl for his love. A love that he’ll never give me as selflessly as he does her. Tears started to roll down my face and I slid the ring off of my finger. I got up and walked toward him and he said nothing but he knew it was done.

I grabbed his hand and placed the ring in his hand before kissing his cheek “you love her more right?”

He sighed and nodded his head “always have.”

“Stop trying to do the right thing for everyone but yourself, you hurt people involved. Congratulations Robin you were right, he’s all yours” I said before walking out.

When I got outside the door the girls were out there and I knew they heard everything. We were all basically yelling. I didn’t feel like talking and I didn’t want to cry, so I grabbed my purse from off the table by the front door and left immediately. I just wanted to be with my family at the moment. I’d been doing this with Chris for to long now. I just need a breather I need to be alone. I got to let it go.

Chris

“Ughhhhhhh fuck!” I screamed looking at the ring.

I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It killed me every single time Robin asked me to be hers and I had to do right by Kae. I messed up so fucking bad before I just wanted to make the relationship work.

“Chris, I’m sorry” Robin said walking towards me.

“It’s cool, I couldn’t keep lying to everyone and my damn self anyway.”

She closed the door and then proceeded to stand in front of me rubbing my temples. Something she always used to do when I was having a sucky day. I looked at her and she smiled “so what does this mean?”

I shrugged “tell me what you want Robin. It’s not my call anymore.”

“All I want is you in every single way possible. Like all the shit before this moment I’m willing to let it go for us” She said taking my hands and placing them on the small of her back.

I was feeling conflicted, not about my feelings just about Karrueche. I don’t want her to think I wasn’t going to be waiting for her at the end of that aisle because I was. I was ready to move on with my life because going back and forth solved nothing.

“Chris?” Robin called out to me.

“Huh?!” I asked my mind drifting in and out.

“Did you hear me?” She asked moving her head to meet my eyes.

“I said all I want is you baby” she said standing on her tippy toes to kiss my nose.

“Robin "this” if it’s even a “this” has to be taken as slow as humanly possible. Like I gotta, I really can’t just jump ship from Kae to you like this. I know it’s no games when I say I love you deep, but this shit is deeper than that. We need counseling before we can even be half of what we were. Like understand what I’m saying here” I said looping my fingers in her belt loops on her shorts.

She nodded “ok we can get counseling. We can do whatever you need to do. Just tell me will be together?”

I couldn’t lie “I don’t know Mel, all I can do is try.”

Her eyes got glassy like she was going to cry and I put space between us immediately “nope you not doing this crying shit. You see this ring you got what you wanted which is me single don’t cry now!”

“Chris I’m sorry I didn’t mean for this shit to go down like this. Especially today. Karrueche came in here wanting to talk to me and it went left. I wasn’t in here for that” she said which made me get upset.

“You tell your nigga that y'all ain’t together cause I’m sure that’s who that’s who you were in here with. You know it kills me you so pressed about who I’m with when you still running and sitting on O dick every chance you can get. You really something else you know that?

All I ever wanted was for you, just you to be the leading lady in my life. Then I fucked up, I totally fuck up and you bounce. I decide I’m just gonna give it up move on make a life with my baby momma, but nah you ain’t having that shit. Robin must get her man back.

Now I’m here with my fiancé’s engagement ring in my hand cause believe me I lost her that’s it and you just fifteen minutes ago in here fucking Odell, now you begging me to be with you and I’m really here like a fool considering it. I swear you selfish but it don’t matter right cause I cheated and then decided to be with her because she unlike fucking you ain’t selfish!” I belted out to her just irritated.

Robin always made some shit about her. Like with her it was always I, I, and more fucking I. Don’t get me wrong I can consider her, but she fucking deadass wrong and I’m sick of her shit!

“That’s not fair, you were marrying her. Was I not supposed to try to move on to?”

I scoffed “Robin fuck out of here! Move on or lead on? My point is that you gotta change your ways. Own your shit and fix it like I can. You fucking frustrating as hell, but I love you so fucking much. I feen to be in your damn space so much I use my own kids as excuse to be where you are. Unbelievable how you saw that all this time and fought for it, but you played a huge role in why it’s not just you and them and you know that. When I needed you, you neglected me. I don’t care how wrong I was you were missing in action.

You were my damn wife and you just fell back on the title. So shit I stepped out period. Ain’t no excuse for fucking her and I ain’t making one up either, but don’t act like it’s all my fault and she’s the reason for our problems. We been drifting apart for damn near a year before I got her pregnant we just played it like it didn’t matter. Kae was just the perfect thing to come up for you to leave me cause you didn’t want to deal with the shit we had going on outside of her. You got everyone thinking I’m just this cheater and I had a mistress when you know that shit ain’t the truth.”

She said nothing for a minute and looked at me “alright Chris alright. You’re absolutely right. I used her as an out at the time. I guess after we got married I felt trapped. With Kevin it was like I had no way out. He beat me, he raped me, he sold me for a buck. I met you and never dealt with all that baggage from before, but you were my out and I took it. While my feelings were always genuine, after we got married I started to feel like I was stuck again so I pushed you away, and when that didn’t work I neglected you.

You telling me you got that girl pregnant was all I needed to leave. Once you let me go I realized I didn’t want to be without you, but it was to late you moved on so I fell back and I just got tired Chris. I turn on tv and she’s there, blogs, interviews you talked about her like she was this Goddess. I wanted you back, I wanted you to hold me at night like you did and tell me that I was the most beautiful girl you had ever met and you loved me to the moon and back. I own it, I’m fucking sorry!” She screamed crying her eyes out.

I enclosed the space between us and held her. I hated when she cried so much. I also hated that this was us. Like we ain’t have to be divided. I could’ve always been where I needed to be.

“Is that why you divorced me? You thought I was keeping you prisoner? Robin that’s crazy you know I’d never treat you the way he did, he was a poor excuse of a man. Look if you gonna be with me you gotta trust me because lack thereof is  what got us here?” I said shaking my head.

“Chris what about Karrueche?” She asked me and I ran my hands down my face.

“I don’t know. I mean this is fucked up. I was marrying her, I wanted to marry her, she’s pregnant again. I just need time. We need time. I can’t just be with you if that’s what you’re hoping for” I said looking at her seriously.

“I already told you that I-” she started but I cut her off.

“This ain’t about you and your hang ups. This is about a girl that I had an entire life with and all of a sudden it’s over. Like we live together and contrary to odd belief I’m in love with her like it ain’t no fake shit. I can’t lie to you no more. Yes Robin I love you, I love you more than any woman I’ve ever been with and I want nothing more than for us to work it out, but we can’t work it out if she and I still have dealings” I said hoping she’d understand.

“Ok I get it Chris. Go talk to her and figure it out. We can take it slow as slow as you need it to be.”

I looked at my watch and realized we’d been in here over an hour going back and forth. I’m sure by now everyone has probably found out and shit is about to get real. I reached in my pocket to pull out my phone, but Trey busted in the room like a bat out of hell.

“Nigga, we gotta go Kae got into a bad accident they rushing her to Cedars Sinai now!” He said and I just blanked.

I was the cause for this shit and now everything is a stake. Seems like everything I touch turns to shit and fast!

Robin

It’s been three days and Chris has literally come home to shower, change, and head back to the hospital. A drunk driver ran a light and nearly killed Karrueche. She’s been in critical condition ever since. On top of that she lost the baby in surgery and Chris is just a mess. He feels like this is his fault. Had he of went after her and not let her leave she wouldn’t be in here fighting for her life.

“Chris here, you’ve got to eat. It’s been three days and you’ve barely had an entire meal. Karrueche would want you to take care of yourself”'I said handing him a container of some house special fried rice.

He looked up at me from the chair he was sitting in annoyed “Karrueche wouldn’t want you here stop acting like you know her.”

I turned to walk off but he silently cursed and grabbed me “I’m sorry. Look, did you at least get me some duck sauce?”

I turned and nodded my head handing to him. He kissed my cheek and took “thank you really I am hungry Rob.”

I said nothing to him and turned picking up Kyia who was pulling at my pants to pick her up. She laid her head on my chest and sighed. “Mel I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap at you love alright. I’m on edge is all.”

We were currently at Cedar’s Sinai and I came to make sure he was ok. The last thing I wanted was to not be here for him to give him a reason to say I’m not around. I also feel terrible that she got hurt. I didn’t like her, but I don’t want her physically hurt.

“I get it your on edge, but watch yourself” I said not here for his bullshit.

He soft pulled me close and held me gently “I’m really sorry, I’ll make it up to you later.”

“It’s fine, just let’s see if she’s up yet. It’s been three days now something has got to give.” I said truly concerned that she hasn’t budged one bit yet.

We walked toward her room and once we got outside I of course didn’t enter. Chris looked at me and I nodded signaling for him to go on in. I stood at the threshold though in case I needed to call a nurse. I watched him stroke her cheek and talk to her. I can’t lie and say it didn’t hurt my heart to see him love her like this. Like there was a time when you had to even beg Chris to look at her when she spoke to him. I guess I have myself to blame for it. I knew what was mine and I dropped the ball on it.

I guess whatever he was saying in her ear softly was working because she was squeezing his hand. Soon after that “Rue?!” I heard him saying excitement taking over his voice.

“Nurseeee! She’s up!” I screamed getting his attention.

A whole team rushed in the room and I walked in this time because I was curious as to if she’d be ok. The doctor removed the breathing tube from her throat and Chris held a cup of water for her to pull from the straw. She held his hand so tight and he kept telling her “it’s ok I’m here” trying to calm her down. She couldn’t speak I guess because her throat was swollen so the doctor gave her a pen and paper.

Chris took it and said “the baby, she-she wants to know if the baby is alright.”

Dr. Anderson who had been with her from the beginning took a moment but he finally proceeded to tell her the truth “Mrs. Brown” he said sending daggers through my chest. Chris glanced at me and I looked down. This was becoming a lot. I knew they weren’t married but he was letting people refer to her as his wife, this was a lot.

“The baby wasn’t able to withstand the surgery you had and unfortunately didn’t make it despite our efforts to try and save him. I’m sorry for your loss.” He said sincerely.

She began to cry and Chris held her “I know I’m sorry, this is my fault. I shouldn’t of let you leave.”

I couldn’t take watching this scene anymore so I quietly stepped out. I pulled out my phone to call Ashley and she answered immediately “what’s the verdict?”

“She just woke up, the baby was a boy. The son he wanted. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this shit Ash. I feel like she wins everything” I said frustration all over my tone.

“Girl you doing better than I expected because you’re still there, so you mean what you say when you say you’re staying with him. The fact that Chris finally admitted to still being in love with you that’s a start. It’s like with me and Michael we’re still not married girl because we have a lot to work towards as do you and Chris” she said calming me down.

“Yeah I just think I could’ve avoided this shit years ago. I should’ve forgave him. He was sorry, but then I got all caught up with Odell and the get back. I don’t know why I allowed myself to become this person, this isn’t me you know” I said defeated.

“Girl you were hurt, you might’ve went a little extreme but you were hurt. Then you thought you could fall in love with the perfect man Odell was and you tried, but he ain’t baby daddy” she said making me laugh.

I looked up and saw Chris walking towards me and Kyia who I set down in the chair next to me took off towards him “girl I gotta go he’s coming.”

“Ok and be nice to him” she said before hanging up.

“Hey, is she ok?” I asked him as he approached me.

He looked tired and stressed. His eyes bloodshot, his skin pale, and he was so sluggish from lack of rest. I planned on taking care of him tonight if he let me, but first I had to see where his head was at.

“Yeah she fell back to sleep. They’re going to keep her a few more days to make sure she’s ok, but she’ll recover doc says” he said clearing his throat as usual.

“Ok, we’ll do you want to stay with me and the kids tonight? Let me take care of you Chris” I said stroking his cheek.

He looked at me and I felt like he was denying me or something it was crazy, but I didn’t complain or try to. I knew he hated being alone so if he said no he wasn’t leaving this hospital.

“Robin, I’m not sure if I should you know? You can handle all this?” He asked grabbing my hand that was holding his cheek as he balanced Ky on his hip.

“Chris I’m here and I haven’t left have some faith in me. I’m trying here” I said never tearing my eyes from him.

“Want daddy to stay over?” He asked Kyia and she nodded yes hugging him tight.

“Alright, whatever my princess wants. Come on” he said walking in front of me.

I followed behind smiling inside that he’s finally letting me do something for him. I knew when Kae left the hospital he would be juggling trying to be there with me and make sure she was ok. There was a time when I’d be so pressed about them being together, but I got a feeling this time around Chris has woken the fuck up. Let’s just hope I’m as right as I feel.

[ilovethings-somuch]

Oh this is a goodie! Chris teaching you how to ski or snowboard for the first time?

Chris and I made a deal that we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and then Christmas with his. It wasn’t exactly a fair trade, but the plan was to alternate holidays every year. Going home with Chris was exciting, but also extremely nerve racking. It wasn’t the first time I had met his family, but meeting them and spending time there for a weekend was a lot different than spending almost two full weeks there. Chris assured me that there was tons of stuff to do in Boston during the holidays and we wouldn’t just be bumming around his mom’s house the whole time. He held true to his promise for the most part. We spend a couple days before Christmas going to parks with beautiful lights, ice skating around a giant Christmas tree, and finishing up last minute shopping at the cutest little shops.

Christmas Eve and Christmas day went by in a flash. All Chris’ siblings, nieces, and nephews spent the night at his mom’s house so that we could all open present together right away on Christmas morning. The kids all opened their gifts first, taking time to play with each toy after opening it. I stayed cuddled with Chris on the couch as we watched everyone enjoy their gifts. Lisa snuck off at some point to make breakfast while everyone else continued to share what they got.

Everyone spent the whole day at Lisa’s house, helping make dinner took the better part of the afternoon. But with everyone in the kitchen together it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. After dinner we played some games before Carley and Shana headed home along with the kids while Scott, Chris, and I retired to our respective rooms.

“I’ve got a surprise for you tomorrow” Chris tells me as he crawls in bed and spoons up next to me.

“Oh really? What’s that?”

“Well if I tell you now it wouldn’t be a surprise” he teases kisses up my back.

“You know I hate surprises. Now I’m not going to be able to sleep” I whine, turning in his arms to face him.

He presses a kiss to my lips before speaking, “You’re going to love it, but if it helps, I could think of a way to tire you out enough to sleep?” I raises his eyebrow suggestively.

“Christopher!” I shout-whisper, “this is your mom’s house, we are not doing that here”

“But it’s Christmas, I’ve been good, I should get a gift”

“Debatable, and besides it’s not Christmas anymore” I make a point to look at the clock over his shoulder.

He sighs loudly before nuzzling his face into my neck, “Fine, but then don’t blame me for not being able to sleep”

“It’s still your fault, stupid surprises”

“It’s going to be fun, I promise.” I hum my response sarcastically. “I love you” he reminds me.

“Yeah, I love you too”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see when we get there”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see when we get there”

“Christopher Robert”

“(y/f/n) (y/m/n)” he matches my tone with every line, adding to my irritation as we drive. We’ve been in the car for close to a half an hour when we pull into some sort of resort.

“Oo! Are we having a couples spa day?” I ask, excited for the first time all day.

“Uh, no” he chuckles while I pout.

“What are we doing here then?” Instead of answering he just points to a big sign across the parking lot that says Skiing & Snowboarding “No”

“Yes”

“Chris, no”

“It’s going to be fun!”

“I’ve never skied in my life! Why would it be fun?”

“Please, just try it, for me?” I sigh audibly before before nodding my agreement and following him out of the car. We rent boots and skis, Chris sneaked some goggles, hats, and gloves into the back of the car without my noticing. He has to help me get my boots on, as I can’t figure out the buckles. When we finally make it onto the snow and get our skis on we take some time to talk about the basics.

“So to turn you just lean side to side like this” he demonstrates before nodding for me to try it. I imitate his movements, almost falling over as my center of gravity changes. “That was good, so then to stop you put the front of your skis together like this, so it looks like a slice of pizza” he has me practice going down a tiny slope on the ground to practice stopping a few times before he claims that I’m ready.

We find the smallest bunny hill. Chris skis backwards in front of me so that he can watch me and give me pointers as we slide down the small slope. I manage to not fall down the second time. The Third time he has me practice long wide turns. After the fourth time Chris says I’m ready for a step up. I follow behind Chris as he tows me by the hand, realizing too late where he was heading.

“I can not get on that thing” I stop dead.

“Babe, it’s not that bad, we gotta get up the hill somehow”

“You know how afraid of heights I am, it’s not happening”

“You’re getting on the lift” he insists as he continues to pull me along.

“Chris I can’t” I try to emphasize as we get closer. Suddenly we’re next in line and Chris is positioning me in right spot and telling me to bend my knees to sit. I close my eyes and squeeze Chris’ arm as we are taken further up the hill.

“You gotta let go so we can get off now” he tells me as we near the top.

“How do I get off?” I ask, panicking.

“Just slide off and get out of the way” he tells me like it’s the easiest thing in the world. I get out of the chair fine, but I’m not fast enough and end up falling on the ground. They end up having to stop the lift so that I can get up and out of the way. Chris tries to hide his giggles but fails miserably, eventually giving up and falling into a full blown laughing fit. I glare at him until he’s done, he hugs me tightly and apologizes between a few breathy chuckles that keep escaping.

“Whatever, can we just go down the stupid hill?”

“Yeah, yeah. Over here” he leads me to a hill with a blue square on the sign. This time he goes down next to me. Occasionally cutting me off just to get me flustered. We make it down the hill without any further tragedies and I finally let myself think that maybe skiing isn’t so bad. This is, until we have to get back on the chair lift. I fall, again. They have to stop the lift, again. Chris laughs, again. I roll my eyes at him and just move away, heading towards the hill from last time. I go down ahead of Chris but he catches up quickly and passes me. When I get to the bottom Chris is waiting for me. I looks like he’s waiting on my cue for if we should keep going. I go right past him and head back to the chair lift, determined to get it right. You know what they say about third time’s the charm? Yeah, well sometimes they’re right. I’m able to get off and out of the way, that is, before I fall down anyways. But at least they didn’t have to stop the lift again. Chris is grinning ear to ear and he helps me up.

“You did it! That was great!” he says enthusiastically as he wraps his arms around my waist.

“I still fell”

“I know, but it was better. You’re improving so quickly. You’re going to be a pro before we know it” he tells me before kissing me lightly. It’s just a brush really, maybe a thank you for trying something new for him. He pulls away with a smirk. “Race you to the bottom” he immediately heads down the closest hill and I follow close behind. He wins, but only because he got a head start.

Maybe I actually won though, as I get to have this wonderful man introducing me to new things and supporting me in everything, every step of the way.

Tags: @amistillmyself @megandrawsspace @giftofdreams @pegasusdragontiger

A/N: I really like Christmas time so I may have gotten carried away. Also I know absolutely nothing about skiing so I asked my friend and she basically wrote me a head cannon about Chris+Skiing, she’s a peach and the only reason this actually happened. 

[neoraven]

Movies I Watched December and January

I wrote these at Letterboxd. There were a few I rated and had nothing to say. 

I’m trying to do a thing with 1997 / 20 years later. I started with Metro. It was going to be weekly. Oops.

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back 2016 ★½  22 Jan, 2017 I was left wondering who was this movie for? Cobie Smulders keeps making great performances in things that don't deserve her. The ceiling of this is Bottom-Tier-Bourne-Sequel, made even more bizarre by Tom Cruise being a part of it.

Metro 1997 ★★★  20 Jan, 2017 20 Years Later. Movie #1 1/17/1997

Eddie Murphy, generally coasting on his Beverly Hills Cop coattails, stars as a hostage negotiator slash generic cop. This was Murphy's only movie after the huge success of The Nutty Professor in 1996. He lost to Beverly Hills Ninja over MLK Weekend at the box office. Michael Rappaport is hilariously miscast as a button down, bookish cop type protégé for Murphy to insult. Carmen Ejogo is the thankless girlfriend and damsel in distress. And finally, Donal Logue kind of stands out as the only actual hostage situation the hostage negotiator encounters.

So, the movie. Like I said, they drop the hostage negotiator thing pretty early as this shifts into a generic loose cannon cop chasing guy that killed his friend story that Eddie has done at least 5 times across 2 franchises. The script doesn't really give its star much time to shine and be funny, but Eddie Murphy is still Eddie Murphy and manages to liven up a dumb horse-betting subplot. The action sequences are pretty big, filling out a budget of $55 million. The largest involved a runaway cable car and more than a passing resemblance to Spider-Man 2.

It's a little generic and joyless, but just falls on the side of good for some of the random R-rated flourishes that manage to push this above being a star-studded Law & Order episode. His friend's stabbing death looked more like something out of Scream than an action movie. The director would go on to helm "Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story".

Metro. The 65th most popular movie that year at the box office. A minor speed bump in Eddie Murphy's career that never really came together. Jettisoned into January, it still ended up a minor hit, almost recouping its bloated budget.

And it's the first I'm doing of this. Series? Project? Of looking back at 1997 releases 20 years later. I'm going to roughly try to go in chronological order, but I reserve the right to watch stuff whenever.

Blue Streak 1999 ★★★½  20 Jan, 2017 Lean and mean and very pleasantly above expectations. Also shoutout to the villain from The Mask still getting work.

Planet Terror 2007 ★★  19 Jan, 2017 Shoulda watched Death Proof.

Arrival 2016 ★★★★½  16 Jan, 2017 god-DAMN

La La Land 2016 ★★★★★  16 Jan, 2017 god damn it

Jason X 2001 ★  13 Jan, 2017 just lol

Wild Wild West 1999 ★★★  04 Jan, 2017 I dunno what Kenneth Branagh was paid, but it wasn't enough.

True Lies 1994 ★★★½  01 Jan, 2017 This is undoubtedly a great action movie. But the whole middle subplot with Bill Paxton is so gross.

Warcraft 2016 ★★  01 Jan, 2017 This wasn't as bad as I thought. It's even a little wild. But it feels like a prologue to something I never wanna see.

7 Days in Hell 2015 ★★★★½  31 Dec, 2016 I could not stop laughing during this. Kit Harrington surprised me.

Don’t Breathe 2016 ★★★★  30 Dec, 2016 I'm on board for every Fede Alverez/Jane Levy collaboration

The Accountant 2016 ★★★  29 Dec, 2016 Overstuffed, but well-shot. Felt like an entire season of television crammed into one long pilot episode. I don't mean that as an indictment of TV, more just the volume of subplots that could carry an episode on their own. Here they're reduced to 5-10 minutes, or throwaway lines and flashbacks.

The Accountant was frustrating. It wasn't very satisfying with the ending so open-ended, like a pilot. And a few of the good ideas and set ups are going to remain half-baked forever.

Inferno 2016 ★★  29 Dec, 2016 Tom Hanks' Bad Acid Trip starts out with some pretty unhinged visuals- death and people with backwards heads and such. The story settles down to being on the silly side of stupid, with Hanks' doctor reacting to an anagram with the zeal of a kid on Christmas morning early on. So I can't be too harsh here. But it's still pretty bad, even for Ron Howard.

Blackhat 2015 ★★★★½  28 Dec, 2016 I was enthralled.

Central Intelligence 2016 ★★½  26 Dec, 2016 Rock and Hart are fun, and there's a hint of an interesting and disturbing story at the edges here. But most of this is a mess. It just feels lazy and stop and go at times as the plot and tone yo-yo's all over the place. There are still some cool action sequences to be had with Dwayne Johnson, and plenty of funny parts as well. But it still never really comes together into something.

Also, worth noting that this is the third movie that has had an emotional climax by The Rock stripping himself naked to a crowd. Joins Walking Tall and Furious 7.

Ride Along 2 2016 ★★★  26 Dec, 2016 I loved the first one, and this was one gratuitous sequel that managed to be worthy. It's not that much more than a bigger, much slicker Law & Order episode. But the Kevin Hart/Ice Cube pairing goes a long way. Olivia Munn and Ken Jeong were fun additions to the group who I wouldn't mind seeing in a sequel a la Lethal Weapon. The action scenes were all really fun and varied. The videogame stuff is mostly annoying every time it's brought up, but the mix of visual effects in the car chase where Hart drives were undeniably cool.

The Night Before 2015 ★★★★  25 Dec, 2016 A++ Christmas Movie.

Bad Santa 2 2016 ★★½  25 Dec, 2016 Extremely lazy sequel wasting Octavia Spencer as a prostitute and Christina Hendricks as a sex object, but manages a surprising amount of laughs.

The Invitation 2015 ★★★★  24 Dec, 2016 I enjoyed this a great deal, and the ending shot is some classic shit.

Blair Witch 2016 ★★  23 Dec, 2016 It's essentially a remake and a sequel, but mostly brings the worst qualities of each to the table.

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 2000 ★★  23 Dec, 2016 Felt like a chopped and screwed remix of the first movie. But not really as fun as that would be literally.

The Blair Witch Project 1999 ★★★★  23 Dec, 2016 A classic.

The Purge: Election Year 2016 ★★★★  22 Dec, 2016 There's a lot going on here related to the actual election and what I'm sure the filmmakers thought was going to happen in November. Is this horror movie now the rosy fantasy that we'll look back on and pine for in 2019? I hope not, because I hope we'll have Purge 4, 5, and 6 by then. Or the TV show.

The Defender 1994 ★★★  21 Dec, 2016 "After all, I am an assassin, and you are just a lowly defender!"

Also I admire the tricks used to remove guns from parts of action sequences.

Deepwater Horizon 2016 ★★★★  21 Dec, 2016 There's a great and thrilling disaster movie here wedged between two embarrassing bookends. It starts with Mark Wahlberg's plucky daughter helpfully explaining the science* of his job/the premise. The real life epilogue with real testimony was also a bit too much. But at least there was the joy of seeing Trace Adkins' angry family member billed in the credits as "Massive Man".

*whatever technical basis or explanation for what happened got abandoned halfway through the big explosion

Mascots 2016 ★★★  18 Dec, 2016 Reheated Christopher Guest leftovers are still pretty good.

The Finest Hours 2016 ★★½  18 Dec, 2016 This is all very solid and okay. The parts not out at sea are an ANCHOR dragging the movie down.

Incarnate 2016 ★½  17 Dec, 2016 This movie is mostly a weird slog, and it never tries to look appealing. Most of the action takes place in dark rooms. And the term "action" is used loosely. Anyways, my hopes for Inception-laced Nightmare on Elm Street visions were dashed pretty quickly. But I did get a few chuckles out of the stupid science explanations and Aaron Eckhart's performance.

Masterminds 2016 ★★½  16 Dec, 2016 A smattering of very funny small performances and scenes. Nothing really comes together into a great laugh or exciting story. Jared Hess still is not a great comedy director. But this was way too disjointed and sloppy to really have a chance.

Spectral 2016 ★★★½  15 Dec, 2016 This movie tries on a few different hats, and wears them all just fine. You have a little bit of Aliens when the badass marine types take on the unthinkable force. It's Black Hawk Down when they take on the [fake spoiler alert] ghosts in the bombed-out city. James Badge Dale is even a little bit Tom Cruise from Edge of Tomorrow as the sci-fi type thrust onto the front lines. His transformation from fish out of water to hero stays pretty steady throughout the movie's different phases. Clayne Crawford, now of Lethal Weapon and Rectify fame, also has a slightly memorable turn as one of the ghostbusters.

I loved the mix, but it's obvious why this never found a release date, sat for months, and finally got shuttled off to Netflix. But it definitely isn't terrible.

Deadpool 2016 ★★  14 Dec, 2016 Near the end, "a CGI character" tells Deadpool about the four or five moments that make up being a superhero. Unfortunately, a few good moments do not make up a good superhero movie. For all of the sixteen walls that were supposedly shattered, this got old fast.

I don't think I can fully hate it. The few jokes that land are really good, and there's a general weird tone that is missing from most spandex movies. But I can't really like it either when it still shares the other boring 75% of every other spandex movie.

Hell or High Water 2016 ★★★★½  14 Dec, 2016 Fucking amazing. Except for a couple awkward heavy-handed lines. And I also had the thought during most of it, "what if there was a pair of bank robbers without polar opposite temperaments?" Like. They don't have to both be buttoned-down or both be "Ben Foster in every single movie i've ever seen", but, ya know.

Kickboxer: Vengeance 2016 ★★★  12 Dec, 2016 I'm probably more than a little swayed by the split screen during the credits imitating the JCVD dance moves from the first. The lead is kind of boring, but this still never really drags too long. It's really thankfully competent.

Jason Bourne 2016 ★★★  12 Dec, 2016 Alicia Vikander's amazing performance and Vincent Cassel kicking the vehicular mayhem up a couple notches in the final sequence is almost enough to make me forget the previous dour 90 minutes. Still not bad.

I Spit on Your Grave 1978 ★★★  11 Dec, 2016 I only watched the half where she slaughtered all the men.

Mechanic: Resurrection 2016 ★★½  10 Dec, 2016 I spent a significant portion of this movie thinking it was a Transporter reboot.

The Magnificent Seven 2016 ★★★★  09 Dec, 2016 Magnificent is a really strong word, but it was really, really good.

The Legend II 1993 ★★★  08 Dec, 2016 The sequel forfeited a little of its heart for bigger and more bombastic action sequences. It's still very funny, though, and a couple of the more elaborate fight scenes surpass anything in the original.

Ben-Hur 2016 ★★  08 Dec, 2016 The chariot race was extremely dope.

The Legend of Fong Sai Yuk 1993 ★★★  04 Dec, 2016 There were some incredibly crazy-cool fight scenes.

[onewhodresses-blog]

5 Ideas to Take From the Best Shows at Paris Fashion Week Fall 2018

We've come to the end of fashion month with the Paris collections, which concluded last week. We began in New York, where I asked a set of questions that come up for me every season about the value of fashion shows, moved to London, where I largely celebrated the clothes, then Milan, where we shined the spotlight on Gucci and Prada, whose thought-provoking collections prompted consideration of the broader fashion system.

Now, Paris.

There was plenty to delight at from the French collections. Here's what stood out, with an added twist: an idea to take away from each of the shows and incorporate into your wardrobe.

 __________

Y/Project

Y/Project by Glenn Martens made my heart swell and my knees weak and the like. The materials! The draping! The unexpected architectural details! When the pieces themselves were more straightforward, there was plenty of artful layering to provide visual interest. There was a concept here, and a sense from Martens that our clothes should bring us enjoyment via their aesthetic appeal and also make us think. This collection did both.

Images:  Luca Tombolini/Indigital.tv via Vogue.

Idea #1: Buy a few yards (or meters) of gorgeous silk chiffon fabric (try to make it 100% silk if you can- a silk remnant would be perfect for this) and drape it creatively around yourself. Try anything! Everything! Report back!

 __________

 A.W.A.K.E

Can we just officially declare proportion play a winning strategy in the annals of good design? Everything about this collection felt so right, from the clothes themselves, to the presentation, and the photography. What I liked most, of course, was the clothes, broadly, and the shirts, specifically, which felt dismembered from a design perspective and re-assembled with deftness and ingenuity. I liked that so many of these pieces felt intentional but not fussy, a delicate balance to strike. 

Images: Natalia Alaverdian

Idea # 2:  Wear a crisp white shirt backwards. Leave the sleeves unbuttoned for some volume, or cuff them! Or unbutton one and cuff the other! 

 __________

Anaïs Jourden

Oh these light, airy dresses from Anaïs Jourden were such a dream. The ruching of the soft chiffon, the billowy silhouettes, and the cuts made for a collection of clothes somewhere between romantic and modern. And while the sheer material at the bodice is not my thing (I wear layers at the beach!), the cuts and materials were well done enough for me to envision a slinky slip worn underneath to address the sheerness. 

Images: Giovanni Giannoni/Courtesy of Anaïs Jourden via Vogue

Idea # 3: If you have a mid-length dress (extra credit if it's either chiffon or ruched!) consider adding a strapless top above the dress (note: bi-directional layering is always where it's at). They needn't necessarily go together, either from a color perspective or from a material one. In fact, the coolness of the look might derive from some dissonance in its parts. 

 __________

 Christopher Esber

I thought for some time about why this collection left an impression on me, especially because no single piece was in itself a showstopper. I think it's this: these clothes felt like a rather cohesive perspective from a designer on the things a modern woman might want in her wardrobe: simple dresses, clean coats, and splashes of print for fun. In short, pieces designed carefully to trim off the excess and leave only the essential. I admire seeing this kind of discipline from a designer, and the clothes were clearly better off for it. 

Images: Courtesy of Christopher Esber via Vogue

Idea # 4: Invest in one simple monochromatic piece for your wardrobe that is stripped down to only what is essential. Maybe try a dress. Or a trench coat. The best part? You get to define what essential means for yourself. The second best part? Keeping me posted.

 __________

 Thom Browne

I already think a great deal of Thom Browne. I still think he might be the most interesting designer in fashion, and if anything, this collection made me double down on that sentiment. 

So much of what challenges me about the fashion industry today is the ubiquity of unremarkable fashion (read more about this in the review from Milan). This might be a symptom of the time we're living in. It might be the result of the tremendous pressures designers are under to create commercially successful collections season over season, year over year, in what can seem like an endless cycle. These kinds of conditions don't nurture creative talent, and they don't necessarily support the creation of great fashion. It is against this backdrop that Thom Browne consistently emerges with a show that combines the classic principles of tailoring and construction with a clear perspective, which is to say that this designer has something to say and something to sell, not just the latter. Add Mr. Browne's customary theatrical element and you have a fashion show that does exactly what it's supposed to do: inspire and delight, and move the needle on fashion in some way.

Images: Courtesy of Thom Browne

Idea #5: Through the magic of vintage fashion, secure a little corset (Etsy has a lot of options, Dolce & Gabbana is a good starting point). Once you have procured said corset, add it on top of a dress. If both are satin, even better. 

 __________

 John Galliano

Finally, Bill Gaytten for John Galliano was so fun. Frothy tulle dresses layered over pants, with big hats, and long pearl necklaces. There were hints of 1920s flapper, and others of the classic 1950s party dresses, yet the collection felt grounded in the present.

 Images: Indigital.tv via Vogue

Idea #6: Find something tulle! Could be a dress or a petticoat or skirt (again, Etsy is key to this project). Try to find quite a sheer material if you can. Then wear it over something else! A pair of jeans! Or a sequin skirt! 

 __________

 That's a wrap on Fall 2018. We'll pick up again in September with the spring collections!

[edvmanbehe]

It’s Not Blackwell’s Island

Act V, Scene 16: It’s Not Blackwell

Freddy and Albert are waiting for Gardam in the enclosed-porch sun room of the Long Island Insane Asylum at Kings Park.

Albert- This ain’t no Blackwell’s Island.

Freddy- It isn’t the Plaza either. (Looking at the empty tables) You would think they would have at least one newspaper to read.

Albert- You know we’re missing the criminal trial of the century right now.

Freddy- You just don’t get it, do you?

Albert- Get what?

Freddy- We’re missing nothing.   This here is everything.  This here is front-page material.  This here is history in the making.  

Superintendent of the hospital, Dr. Dewing; Christopher Gardam, Gardam’s son; and, a nurse who is pushing Mr. Gardam in a wheelchair approach the reporters. Albert and Freddy stand up to greet them.  

Dr. Dewing- Gentlemen, this is Mr. Gardam.

Freddy- (Extending his hand) Pleasure to meet you, Sir.  

Gardam stands and reluctantly shakes both of their hands.

Gardam- Reporters, eh?

Freddy- Yes Sir, the American.  Please, have a seat.  

The reporters and Gardam sit down at a table, but the doctor, his nurse, and Christopher remain standing.

Freddy- We’re here to see if you are willing and able to testify at the William Hooper Young trial which has been started today.

Gardam- If, by my testimony, any light can be shed upon this tragedy, (He looks at the doctor) I will gladly go to New York and testify in the Young case.  

Freddy- We’ve been told that you know a Charles Anzer who is a good friend of Mr. Young.

Gardam- I knew Anzer well; in fact, he was in my employ for years, but I never met Young, to my knowledge.

Albert- Officer Gottileb said that he saw you talking with Anzer and Young on a Thursday morning shortly after Anna Pulitzer’s body was dumped in the Morris Canal.

Gardam- I was in Hoboken on the Wednesday night and Thursday morning following the murder.   But, I knew nothing of what was said to have occurred.   I had never seen the woman who was killed.  

Freddy- Why were you in Hoboken?

Gardam- I went to Hoboken on that occasion to see Anzer, who had not shown up for work for several days.  I then called upon a Mr. Kieffer, at his shop on Hudson Street.  I was there to talk to him about some work.

Albert- We’ve been there.  Kieffer told us that you had given Mr. Anzer some rather strange items.  

Gardam- While in Hoboken I gave Anzer a large suit case, and a hat box, and $45.

Freddy- Mr. Kieffer told us that some of this money was to buy train tickets to Bridgeport.

Gardam- I intended to take him with me to Hartford, where I expected to establish a branch shop.

Albert- I have here a rather strange quote that Mr. Kieffer gave me.

He flips a couple pages backward in the notebook he has been writing in.

Albert- “There is only one wrong I have ever done that I have regretted—a woman blackmailed me, but I fixed her.”  Did you say that?

Gardam looks behind him. Dr. Dewing and his nurse stare at him expectantly. He turns back a condemning look on Albert’s face.

Gardam- I have been unfortunate, and rashly became entangled with a young woman in New Jersey, but that is the extent of my wrongdoing.  (He stands) You two need to do your own homework.  The Sun covered my story quite nicely last spring in “their” newspaper.  I believe we’re done here gentlemen.  

Gardam returns to his wheel chair.

Gardam- If you have anymore questions, you can contact my lawyer.  

Freddy- Mr. Gardam, can you tell us where we can find Charles Anzer?

Gardam sits defiantly silent.  The doctor gestures to the nurse to take him away. Albert shouts out a question as he leaves.

Albert- What about the beard and the wig?   What were you two planning on doing with those?!

Dr. Dewing- Mr. Gardam has made great progress since has come here.

Freddy- Can I ask you how long has he been here?

Dr. Dewing- He was admitted on October 6th.

Freddy- Is he well enough to testify in court if need be?

Dr. Dewing- When Mr. Gardham was first admitted he was the victim of hallucinations of pursuit and persecution.  I’m afraid your visit today has not helped him much.  You’ll have to excuse me.

The doctor leaves as Albert shouts out another question.

Albert- Can he go to court!

The doctor responds as he continues to leave.

Dr. Dewing- He should be well-enough to leave shortly, we hope.

The two reporters turn to Christopher Gardam.

Freddy- Is your father insane?

Christopher- My father has been insane, or practically so, for three years. His mental trouble was caused by a fall and an injury in the head.

Albert- I believe that your father has just denied talking with Hooper Young.  

Christopher- He frequently wore a yachting costume, so that description of the man who was seen in Hoboken last September undoubtedly fits him perfectly.   He knew Dixie Anzer, but I am certain he did not know Young.

Albert- Do “you” have any idea why he was carrying a beard and wig?

Christopher- My father was erratic and did many strange things.   He bought a yacht and on one occasion took out a party of two hundred people.

Freddy- What do you know about his troubles last spring?

Christopher-  A widow sued him for a large sum of money, but the case was never tried and no money was ever paid her.  This he undoubtedly had in mind when he spoke to Mr. Kieffer.  I am afraid my father is correct.  I think it only wise that if you have any further questions, you need to talk with his lawyer.  Good day, Gentlemen.

Christopher leaves and Freddy turns to Albert.

Freddy- We need to find Anzer.  And quickly.

Albert- We know where to find Eiling.  Maybe he knows where he is.

Freddy- I don’t know why everyone says you’re so ignorant.

Albert- Who, who says I’m ignorant?

[purspektivz]

Set. Me. Free.

So I am sitting in this hotel room in downtown Birmingham. I had my MacBook on my lap and Being Mary Jane just went off and I was about to get back to working on a proposal and finishing it up on time. My company was just approved as a federal vendor and I was taking steps to finally make a bigger impact my way. When I start typing, the data and knowledge flows and I tend to be able to plug shit in. But it’s the START that gets me. It’s like all the doubts flood me as much as the excitement and anticipation. I feel inadequate, stupid, unprepared, too late, too old, not connected enough.....all of THAT! I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I freeze. I remember being this girl who went HARD after what she wanted and couldn’t NOBODY tell me I couldn’t do it! I was the girl who raised a daughter, who became the woman to do all things the 16 year old pregnant girl was told she couldn’t. I have fought battles for so many others and bent over backwards. Where did this fear come from? This stagnation? The DEEP doubt?

I got ALL TYPES of shit going on in my personal life. I was weighted down with shit back home. Trying to keep my head above water and achieve my dream. Because God keep breathing into me every day and it gotta be for a reason, right? And I can’t give up. I can’t die. I already tried. So I had to ask myself....

What made me feel FREE? What made me feel ALIVE? The answer.....

MUSIC

And when I say MUSIC, I ain’t just talking about this stick-a-wireless-headset-in-your-dome-and-stream-the-shit-outta-some-tracks music. 

I am talking about being the little girl who was raised in a home where ‘that secular (which, for religious Black folk was synonymous with Satanic) music’ was not allowed. 

I am talking about that little clock me and my sister had in our room that had a radio on it and we would sneak and listen to the radio station and rock to groups like SWV, XScape and H-Town. 

I am talking about sneaking in the basement of my parent’s house and turning on BET and watching music videos and swooning over Tevin Campbell as he sang Can We Talk.

I am talking about going over our grandmother’s house and my cousin having a million cassette tapes that he would stick into his stereo system in the back room he shared with his sister. He would blast NWA, Tupac Shakur, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, MJG, 8Ball, LL Cool J, Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony, Eric B and Rakim, and all of THAT! When Mark Wahlberg was Markie motha fuckin MARK! 

Or how we would sneak in my grandmother’s bedroom while she was on the porch or out somewhere and turn on The Box and watch videos other folks had paid for while one of us held that damn antennae juuuust right to get a good picture and sound. We would watch videos from Craig Mack, MC Hammer, Ghetto Boyz and Busta Rhymes. 

I am talking about the salvation I felt when I bought my first portable cassette player. You know the one that held those cassette tapes where you had to stick a pencil in and roll that tape in that shit when the songs started sounding funny. The one that came with the headphones with the sponges on them. And if you had the CHEAP player, that wire in between those headphones was thin and you had to keep sliding that shit on your head. I remember popping in Tyrese’s first album, Jay-Z’s Vol. 1, Total’s Kim, Keisha and Pam album and the GREAT Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I remember tucking those headphones underneath my wool hat in the winter while I took the nearly 2-hour bus and train ride home from my job at Montgomery Ward in the cold and have to walk a half a mile to my parent’s apartment. That shit kept me sane. To run out of AA batteries was to run out of peace!

I am talking about my parents going to work and the landlord’s son letting us borrow his CD’s and we would blast music over my father’s stereo system. Tupac had become 2Pac and we listened to Makaveli. We memorialized Christopher Wallace over the sounds from Life After Death. 

When 702′s Steelo was the joint that made you jump up. 

When Immature was still the cute guys with the baggy clothes and sunglasses we all had crushes on. 

When Blackstreet was begging a mother fucka not to leave. 

When Missy had a wardrobe full of vinyl, but could make a joint that got you on your feet and collabo tracks with EVERYBODY. 

When Lil Kim’s nasty boldness shocked the shit out of everybody but broke a mold. 

When I used to run bath water and listen to that Waiting To Exhale soundtrack. 

When I used to get finger waves and pretend I was that dark chick from Zhanè and went and got my head shaved like the light skinned chick. 

I am talking about being pregnant and being on bed rest and being in the house alone after everyone went off to work and school and rubbing my belly, crying and watching Boyz II Men ‘Mama’ video. 

When I used to watch Next tell a chick they’re getting too close or Janet Jackson get her red locks braided and sing along to the soft voice of Joni Mitchell and Q-Tip spit lines in between. 

When Sisqo made a black made with blonde hair the sexiest thing alive. 

I can go on and on!

Music made me feel alive. Jay-Z’s confidence gave me hope. Tyrese made me feel pretty. Missy Elliot made me feel like it was OK to be different. Rappers like Common, Nas and Tupac made me feel woke. Chaka Khan made me feel like I could be so fucking fabulous, I could run a marathon in red bottoms. Meshell Ndegeocello gave me EVERLASTING LIFE as an out bisexual woman in a time when it was super taboo to do so. Jill Scott rode the train with me back and forth to DePaul’s campus and made me imagine a life after the struggle. When I got my first apartment, I used to turn on VH1 Soul and let it play through my crib. I used to open a window, feel the wind and lay across my bed and softly play that Best of Sade orange CD I loved so much. 

Music was soothing. It told a story. It understood me. It comforted me. I remember plugging headphones into my laptop and streaming Yahoo! Music and listening to songs to encourage me. I remember the music flowing as tears streamed down my face after I had gotten my daughter, who was in so much pain from a chronic illness, to settle down and sleep. I was intentional about what I listened to. I wanted to conjure an atmosphere that gave life. I wanted to hear my own story somewhere in those lyrics.

So, tonight as I sit here on this bed, under this duvet, with this MacBook on my lap, I grabbed these little bitty ass why-these-things-cost-$200 beats by Dre headphones and connected it to my iPhone and opened Tidal. What did I listen to to keep me motivated when I had to take the bus and get my education in the bitterest cold? What did I listen to when I held my daughter? Where was that Kiss of Life track I used to ride along Lake Shore Drive and listen to while it rocked my daughter to sleep in the backseat?

Where was my hope? Where was my motivation? 

I looked in that black search box and began my journey. Words that reminded that there has been worse than this. That I have come this far by faith. To keep pushing. I pushed through so much bullshit in my life, I should write a manual. Don’t give up now. 

Peace.