#the azazel hallucinations alone make me lose my mind

[alaynestone]

4.03  6.01

[abaddons-right-hand-queen]

More Than A Hallucination (Castiel)

Prompt: “Why do I remember kissing you?”

Warnings: slight language, awkward, probably angsty (bc come on it’s me)

This is part of @waywardmoeyy‘s Awkward Moments challenge!! Happy birthday and keep up the great work!

“Crowley?” I asked, looking around at bloody walls and the rusted bars. “What am I doing here? Where are my brothers and Cas?”

Crowley looked at me with a sinister twinkle in his eye, as if I was his to play with. “Well, darling, you’re dead.” He told me, smirking. “And that means that you’re mine.”

I sat in shock for a second, processing what he was saying. Dead? No way. Sam and Dean wouldn’t let me die.

I didn’t let Crowley see the confusion on my face. In all my years of hunting, I knew how to keep a good poker face. “So what are you going to do with me?” I asked, smirking slyly.

“Nothing.” Crowley shrugged, smirking right back. “Isolation is the best torture, after all.” He added on, laughing a little afterwards, He walked away, but I didn’t complain. Crowley was never my favorite by any means. He was often annoying and condescending, and he never helped us unless he was getting something out of it. He’s a demon, and I expected nothing more of him.

But after a week, I had started to miss the company. Anybody’s company would’ve been okay. I just needed to talk to someone that wasn’t myself, someone who could actually respond. I began to look back on memories, some of them I didn’t even know I remembered.

I had many memories of my childhood with Sam and Dean. I was the oldest of the three, so many of my memories were of raising Dean and Sam until I started going on hunts with dad. That was my biggest mistake. I left Dean alone with Sam to raise him, when he was still a kid himself.

But dad wanted me out there with him. He just needed to find Azazel. And, sadly, it cost Dean and I our childhood. We tried our hardest to keep Sam a child for as long as we could. He was our baby brother, and he still is, but we couldn’t keep him from it all.

I thought of the feeling of losing one of them. I thought of how I just wanted to be with my brother again. It was always the other brother that kept me going. I was the oldest, sure, but I was never the one to attempt to cheat death. It was always them. It was Sam that we lost first. He had been stabbed clean through the spine, only to be brought back. I didn’t know how Dean did it until I went to Bobby.

And a year later we lost Dean. I had watched him die, and it was gruesome. The hellhounds tore him to shreds, leaving him unrecognizable. Sam and I buried him, and that was that. Sam went off the radar, hidden so well that even I couldn’t find him, I tried to keep looking-- he was bound to mess it up eventually.

I met Castiel five months later. At first it was strictly business between all four of us. Sam, Dean, and I each had a holy purpose, and Cas wanted it fulfilled. At least, until we convinced him that free will was more important, and he had went rogue to heaven, and became like a brother to Sam and Dean. But to me? He became everything to me.

Cas was proof that there was always an option. He showed me that we can choose between right and wrong, even when wrong was all we were taught. He protected me more than anybody else ever had-- even my own family. I quickly fell for him.

He kept me going for as long as I did. I was the only Winchester that didn’t die and come back to life. This was it for me. I was actually dead. And damn, I was dreading that day. I knew that I had done far too many bad things to be placed in heaven.

I knew that I couldn’t be saved. I knew that all I had tight now was myself and my memories.

After two weeks, I was numb to the outside world. I began to live within myself, within my own head. Crowley was right. Isolation was torture. And it was just the beginning.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asked as he walked into my room, sitting on the bed.

“I’m fine, Cas.” I tell him, smiling forcibly. He sat next to me, placing a hand on my knee.

“You know better than to lie to me.” He sighed. “Tell me the truth?”

“Just going through the motions. It isn’t anything to worry about.”

“I always worry about you, (Y/N), you know that.” He tells me, grabbing my hand. Damn, I loved him. He always knew how to comfort me, without even knowing what was going on.

He began to lean in to me, taking me by a bit of a surprise. He looked down at my lips, and then back up to my eyes. Was this really happening? He moved slowly, making sure that I wanted this. And, gosh, did I want this.

“Hey, sis, dinner’s ready!” Sam called out as he knocked on the door. Cas dropped my hand and sat back in fear of Sam finding out what almost happened. Sam didn’t open the door, he almost never does. I sighed in relief, looking back over at Cas, seeing that he was gone.

My mind was filled with memories. Some of them with Sam and Dean, some of them with past flings in high school and through my adulthood, some of them with people like Charlie and Kevin, and a lot of them with Cas. I missed all of them, each and every one. Hell, at this moment, I would’ve taken Abaddon’s company (which was a huge thing considering she captured me and tortured me for eight months before I managed to escape and find Sam).

I drifted between reality and my head, and I sometimes hear and see things that didn’t exist. I’ve seen Dean in my cell, claiming that it was a good riddance and that they weren’t even going to save me; that they were just going to leave me to rot in hell in isolation from the outside world. I couldn’t even hear the other prisoners screaming or crying or begging for mercy. I couldn’t hear the demons as they delivered food to me through a small space beneath the floor.

I desperately wanted them to say something. Or to look at me. Smile. Smirk. Something. I just wanted them to acknowledge me, I wanted them to recognize that I still somehow existed, even if they didn’t treat me humanely. I wanted some sort of communication from someone else, because I was getting sick of my own thoughts. I wanted to scream out to Crowley to turn me, or to do something to me, anything to me. I didn’t care. I needed another conscience being. Whether that was somebody as wretched as Abaddon, Metatron, Crowley, or Amara; or it was somebody as beloved as Sam, Dean, or Castiel.

“Don’t you ever touch him again.” I gritted, throwing my hand around the other angels neck. I punched her square in the nose, using enough force to break it and cause bleeding. I grabbed her angel blade from her hand, and turned it around and cut her cheek. “If you turn around right now, I won’t kill you.”

“It is an order that I must capture or kill Castiel and the Winchester bloodline. I can not turn back on an order.”

“The hell you can’t,” I sassed. “You always have an option.” I warned her, gripping my blade. She didn’t change her facial expressions, she didn’t move an inch. It was a though she was debating with herself, before her eyes hardened. With that one little move, I knew that it was over for her. She walked up to me, holding her glowing hand out to attempt smiting me. I threw my blade, hitting her dead in the heart, causing her to collapse and die, angel wings burned into the carpet. I grabbed the blade and wiped off the blood, placing the blade in my jacket.

“(Y/N), I need you here.” Cas grunted, holding his side. I ran to him without hesitation, right as Sam and Dean broke into the room we were in. “How bad is it?” He asked me.

“You’ll be okay, Cas.” I tell him, a slight lie in my voice. He was hurt, and he was human. Those two things alone made me scared half to death. I grabbed a blanket that was on the floor, and I placed in on his side, proceeding to tie it around him and then help him stand up. “Everything will be fine. We just have to leave.” I added on.

That night, he fell asleep on me, clutching me tightly because he was scared. He was human, he was in need of a protector, and dammit was I going to be his guardian.

A year in this hell hole-- literally. I’ve lost every sense of real and fake. I have gone completely mad. The only thing that I knew was that I wasn’t going to let Crowley win. I wouldn’t cry out for him. That would prove that I was weak.

“(Y/N), look out!” Dean called, making me turn around, into the blade that was aimed at my stomach. I gasped, pain radiating through my body. I fell to my knees as I clutched on to the blade, a silent beg to not take it out. I couldn’t die here. I couldn’t leave my brothers and Castiel here.

A bright burn occurred, and the angel that had become my keeper was on the ground with an angel blade through his back. I saw Castiel, a look of worry on his face. He fell to my side, and Sam and Dean did the same, watching on as I began taking my final breaths.

“You’re going to be okay.” Sam said, grabbing one of my hands. I looked up at him, my eyes wide and scared. I have never died before, and I was so scared of what would happen. Sam and Dean came back from hell completely torn apart, souless, mentally scarred in ways I couldn’t imagine. And I was about to find myself in hell.

“Look at me, (Y/N).” Cas said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Take deep breaths. You’re going to be fine. It isn’t that bad.” He lied. It was always so obvious when he lied to me.

“I’m not okay!” I exclaimed, feeling the room start to go dark. “I’m dying, guys. I know that I am. It’s okay. I’ll be strong down in hell.” I say, starting to struggle for any air. “It just hurts so much.” I muttered, more to myself than anything.

Something in Cas just broke. He started crying, and he cupped my face in his hand. I leaned into his touch, tears sliding down my cheek. He leaned down, his lips meeting mine. It was a momentary kiss, not lasting any longer than two seconds, but holy shit it meant everything to me.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you, too.” I told him. I meant it with my entire being. I regretted not telling him sooner. “Please don’t forget me.” I begged of them. All of them. Not just Cas. I don’t want my brothers to forget me, I didn’t want Cas to forget me, I didn’t want anybody that I loved to forget me.

“Of course we won’t. Are you kidding me? You’re the best damn thing that ever happened to us. You were the only motherly figure that we ever had growing up, and you were more of a father than dad was.” Dean told me. “We could never forget somebody who practically raised us.”

I smiled, a bit of blood flowing from my mouth. I coughed a little, hating the way the blood filled my lungs so painfully. I sputtered out more blood, now unable to say anything, my vision getting darker, and eventually dimming out into nothingness.

I sat up nearly screaming. What the hell was that? I have never remembered that moment. I remembered being stabbed, and then going numb and giving up.

I threw the blanket off of me, getting out of the bed and standing in a fighting position. This wasn’t the prison cell, and I sure as hell couldn’t have been hallucinating. I looked at my surroundings, noticing my bags and my things set up like my room in the bunker. Was this some sick joke? I went to the bottom drawer of my nightstand and grabbed the gun from it, seeing it still loaded.

I turned off the safety and kept the gun in front of me, half scared to a second death. I turned around the corner, getting ready to shoot if I needed to. I continued to walk down the hallway, making sure that nobody was going to jump out at me.

“(Y/N)?” I heard a voice ask. I twirled myself around, tightening my grip on the pistol as I looked at Dean, with his hands raised upon seeing the gun. His expression quickly turned from good to bad, and he drew his gun as well. “Who the hell are you?” He asked.

“Who are you? Because you sure as hell aren’t my brother.” I tell him, placing my finger on the trigger. “My brothers are back on earth, not in hell with me.”

“This is earth. I burned and scattered my sister’s ashes a year ago. How did you get to her body?” He asked me, his voice getting louder. I saw a tear in his eye, but I knew that he wouldn’t let it spill. It wasn’t like Dean to do that. “Answer me, dammit! How did you manage to get my sister’s body?”

“Dean!” I heard a voice ask. It was my favorite voice. The one that knew how to make everything better. It was Castiel. “It’s really her.”

Dean didn’t listen at first.  “It can’t be. She died, Cas. I burned her body myself.”

“I promise you, it’s actually her.” Cas assured, which made Dean drop his gun. I kept a firm grip on mine, still not trusting it. This entire thing could be a hallucination. Just like the other memories. The only difference was that all of the other hallucinations already happened. This hasn’t happened before. This entire thing was new, and more inclusive than ever before. (Y/N), pl-”

“Why do I remember kissing you?” I asked suddenly, cutting him off. His face immediately flushed, and he looked down. “Answer me.” I command, my voice low.

I physically saw Dean back out of the room, attempting to evade the situation unfolding.

“I-uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He told me, shifting awkwardly.

“Bullshit.” I called, scoffing slightly. “I remember you kissing me and it’s really fucking with my head right now.”

Castiel sighed and looked around. “Humans aren’t supposed to remember the last five minutes of their life.” He mumbled, more so to himself. I lowered my gun, furrowing my eyebrows.

“What?”

“I, uh, I didn’t kiss you.” He told me, cracking my heart. I swallowed thickly. “You just imagined it.”

“Oh.” I say, looking around. I was embarrassed. Confronting an angel that doesn’t handle emotions with something like this while pointing a gun at him? Not a good idea. “Am I really alive though?” I asked.

“Yes. You are. Sam would be elated to see you.” He told me, walking out of the room. I sighed, taking a moment to breath and feel the heat in my cheeks fade out.

I needed to see Sam and Dean. Walking out of the hallway, I found my way to the map room, seeing both Sam and Dean in there.

“Sam? Dean?” I asked. They both turned around, Sam’s eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“I-I thought Dean was lying. You’re really back?” Sam asked, smiling slightly. “But, how?”

“I don’t know. But I know that I’m out.” I say, completely dropped the gun, and I walked over to him, wrapping my arms around him. “I missed you guys so much.”

“We missed you, too.” Sam said, kissing my hair. He let me go so that I could hug Dean, which I did. I loved Dean’s hugs. They were rare, and so they were special in every way.

“I don’t care how you came back. You’re here now, and that’s what matters. The last Winchester to die and come back.” Dean laughed, pulling away.

This felt amazing. Actual conversation with another person was amazing, especially when it was with my brothers.

“I’m going to go to my room and change out of these.” I tell them, looking down at my grimy clothes from my year in hell. They smiled and nodded, letting me clean myself up.

Once I got to my room, I jumped in the shower and washed up, getting out and quickly changing into my clothes. I forgot how nice it felt to have clean clothes. “(Y/N), I believe that we need to talk.” I heard, making me jump.

“Shit, Cas, you scared me.” I laughed lightly, still slightly embarrassed about the first conversation since my return.

He sits down on the bed, motioning to the spot next to him. “What all do you remember?” Cas asked me, avoiding looking at me.

“I remember dying, saying that we love each other, kissing, and then me showing up in hell.” I explain simply. “It was probably a hallucination, though. I didn’t know much of what was real and fake I suppose.”

“No, it was real.” Castiel said, actually looking over my way. “I thought that you would’ve forgotten completely. I’m a celestial being, and you’re a human. We should not share emotions like these.”

“Well, that kind of sucks.” I responded. “I’m still going to feel the exact same way, whether you reciprocate or not.”

“But what about the other ang-”

I rested my hand on his thigh in a reassuring way, making him look at me with wide eyes. “The other angels don’t scare me. You know that I’ve never been one to back down to a fight.” I assured him. “I understand if you don’t want to do anything about it, but if you do, I’m here.” I tell him, glancing down slightly. “But either way, you might want to take care of the snake in your pants.” I laughed, which made him gulp. I leaned in and kissed his cheek, getting ready to stand up.

He stopped me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me back down to the bed. He gently pressed his lips to mine, a simple kiss that still shook me to the core. “Perhaps we could try this?” He asked me, resting his forehead on mine. I smiled and nodded, kissing him again.

“Just go take care of that and then come see me.” I smirked, standing up and walking to meet up with Sam and Dean.