#the aunt is somehow at fault ? im still unsure of this one but i hope she had a good reason for selling the house and leaving her family

[wanihas-blog]

so many things happened on today's episode of thirty but seventeen, i don't think i can't handle tomorrow 🤧🤧

[zimo-rodek-blog]

friendless...?

last year i was really sad and feeling unworthy of living, because only one friend remembered about my birthday alongside my parents, uncle, aunt and grandma. That was heartbreaking and made me feel so small and meaningless... Then i got angry and wrote down my feelings and sent it to all people concerned.

This rant will be about my friends. Thankfully I don’t have them that many. First of all, I know that when people grow up and start having their lives with their significant other, a regular meetings or keeping in touch will get more difficult. Especially when you add kids to equation.  I don’t want to say that friends should be most important factor in our lives, but I still think that friendship, as any kind of relationship between people, should be fed and nurtured to exist. 

I still think the same. Even though i lost some people because of this in my life.

So forgive me, M., when I say – fuck you and your childish belief of being a grown up in the light of being able to argue with your girl. Fuck you for always listening and submitting so much to her. I know you fell in love. I have nothing against you falling in love, but not her, ok? She will destroy you. You will abandon all your friends, your family who cares about you so much for a possessive little princess-wannabe. I wonder if you will be happy or wake up from this teenage dream then. Oh, I know what you think – I never was in a love relationship so I don’t have any experience based knowledge so should just shut up because I know nothing. How nice of you! You know what? At this moment I think I never really was your friend either, so maybe I just suck at relationships of any kind! Are you proud of yourself now? I am aware I constantly put our friendship to trial for some years now.  But it’s the first time you ignored me on my birthday, M. 

So... the funny thing is that M completely cut himself off from me and said really hurtful things. I mean i spent 2 hours talking to my psychologist about my relationship with M to finally man up and get a conclusion from him!  It made ma so angry and sad when he shouted to me that i have no right to judge her because she haven’t done anything wrong or it wasn't her fault we are friends no longer. Seriously?

There is also B, but even though we see each other pretty often (mostly to watch movies together), we don’t talk very much about important things. I mean, after some… disturbance from my part when we were 15 there is a strain. For some years we haven’t contacted each other. OK, I was invited to the wedding as the only friend on B’s side, so I think I have to be somewhat important to B, but… We never really talked about it. And it makes me unsure of my standing. It kills me everyday. Sometimes I just want to turn back time to that one moment of my stupidity and make it never happen. The best thing is I can tell you everything without sugar-coating it and know you won’t get angry, not really angry. I wonder, why then can’t we talk about our feelings? Still, I always want you to be happy. That’s all that matters to me. 

My relationship with B was always a bit weird, i think. She was the first girl ever i liked romantically and was stupid enough to tell her that. at fourteen in our traditional, catholic country. Silly me, really. Sadly, not much changed this year - she still doesn't really contact me on her own (yes, it was always like that, even at school), but it made me lighter when next day she talked to me about everything and said she will try her best to talk about feelings with me. And today - she was my only friend (AGAIN!!) that remembered about my birthday. I'm somehow scared what would happen to me if there was no my kind Sis B.

Let me not forget about P., who stubbornly says we are not friends and doesn't believe the friendship thing. Well, looking at this day I see P’s point. P is the only one of my ‘friends’ who can make me laugh at any given moment , at the same time treating me like equal in conversations. I love P and P’s family very much, they home is my safe heaven and second home. P doesn't care about how difficult I am and how social normality doesn't work for me well. P is the brightest person in my life, the always optimist! It balances my pessimism well, I suppose. I wish we lived in the same city, though. It would be so much easier to meet more frequently and just… talk. About everything. Silly things. Important things. When i’m with P’s family I feel really loved and appreciated. 

Let me tell you, P is a great person, but even though she’s over 30 she still acts like a little kid sometimes. It’s adorable. She’s the one who introduced me to Asian tv-series and k-pop. Truthfully i have no idea why she thinks i’m more mature than i really am. Her daughter said some time ago that i look forty.That was funny and sad at the same time, because i was like 22 or 23. I really feel at home with them and love meeting them. Sadly we still live in different cities :/ 

I feel really lonely and unimportant today. It’s like… All the people I know don’t bother with me because I don’t announce it on facebook! That’s crazy. At the very least I have my ‘friends’ birthdays noted in my calendar so I WILL NOT forget about them. Maybe I should just stop caring about other people. Maybe I should just die. I've had enough of these feelings of loneliness and uselessness. Maybe I should just go to the park, sit on a bench and let the temperature (its really cold now and its snowing) take its toll (yes, its not the first time I though about killing myself). Because even on my birthday I am worthless. I'm just so pitiful and unimportant creature that only my parents would mourn me. And even that relationship is skittish at best. Well, today I just want to die. I just turned 25 and I don’t know how to live anymore. M. even said that I only exist and don’t really live. Go to hell with all your happy-go-lucky wisdom. From today onward, I have no friends. I am aware I should go to see a psychologist. I am afraid I am just not brave enough to do it on my own.

Well, shit. I felt really bad year ago. I was depressed all day and nearly had panic attack. B wrote somewhere around 9 pm, when almost all hope were gone. Most of the time i still feel meaningless and useless, but at least im seeing my psychologist and slowly am getting better at dealing with life. 

So yeah, today is my 26 birthday and im still all alone, because it gives me no joy to drink or go clubbing (my eyes and ears just hurt too much). I’m not petite or pretty (well, i look like a Christmas baubles, so yeah... I’m not attractive), have a foul mouth and can embarrass people on spot most of times.But then i even created a character in some MMOrpg named “girllfrlgirl” or something similar. Because the truth is i want to be in love, want to feel loved and appreciated. 

Well, Happy 26 Birthday to me!