#the art I did for me and my boyfriends 5 year anniversary being number 3 is literally perfect :')

[serenedash]

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[royallyanxious]

What makes a good lava cake

Paring: Prinxiety 

Summary: Roman wants to make a breakfast for Virgil. It does not go well. 

Thank you @quietlypondering for the inspiration :)

Word count: 1470

Triggers: fluff all the way through, a crack fic

Ao3

Let’s get one thing straight - Roman didn’t make a mess in the kitchen. He called it: an artistic chaos in the cooking space. There was nothing wrong with that. The flour all over the place was the sign of his never-dying dedication. The fact that he had to go cry in the bathroom when the cake turned out weirdly heavy and oddly tough, was clearly the final proof that he didn’t lack an artistic flare. After all art required sweat (been there), tears (checked) and blood (one drop that was spilled when he cut the chocolate was enough).

But even the greatest artist, had their mentors.

Roman dialed the number. 

“Roman.” Logan never asked. He stated.

“Logan.” replied Roman through his teeth. He would not cry to Logan on the phone.

“The sound of your voice suggests that you have water in your eyes.” 

Well, shit.

“I also have a question.” Roman rolled his eyes, “Let’s say you’re preparing a lava cake for the love of your life-”

“Patton prefers lemon tarts but go on…” Logan cut swiftly.

“Lava cake.” repeated Roman, “Are you sure that the lava part is supposed to be liquidy? Or maybe the recipes by ‘lava’ refer to… molten-rock-kind-of-lava?”

There was a beat of silence.

"... I think you know the answer to this question Roman. I'm hanging up right now."

"No! Nononono!" Roman roared desperately, "Please… Help me… " he added meekly, making sure that Logan still didn't end the call. 

A long sigh resonated through the phone. Roman was pretty sure that he could feel disappointed vibrations on his own skin. 

"Roman, I would love to help you," started Logan, his voice’s a tad softer than earlier, "But you know what mum always told you. You are not a good fit for a cook. Why won't you write a poem where you shall compare Virgil to a cupcake, instead of actually making a cupcake?"

"But where would be romance in this?" Cried Roman helplessly, trying to break his second cake with the first cake. 

"Virgil, loves you as much as you love him, brother. He would be thrilled to get anything from you, believe me." Logan said cooly, "Now stop this madness, clean up the mess and let me sleep. It's 6 in the morning." he finished.

Beep...

"Wait, what- Logan?" Roman asked, staring intensely at the phone, "Logan wait, I don't even know how to make a perfect- ugh."

The sound that slipped through Roman's parted lips, reminded more of a war cry than a frustrated growl. Luckily his neighbours knew about his love for Game Of Thrones so in a worst case scenario they'd think he decided to make a morning marathon. 

Roman brushed Virgil's purple apron off the white flour that was currently covering it. Or was that sugar? Roman wasn't sure. Perhaps that was why the cakes turned out strange after all.

It was time to face the music. 

Cake was not a good idea. 

Luckily, Roman wasn't the type of person who gave up easily. He pulled off the apron and carefully put the "cakes" into the trash can (he was afraid that if he dropped them, he would break tiles). The key was to prepare food - no one said it had to be a cake. Besides, lava cakes were overrated. Virgil didn’t even have instagram to post a picture of a perfect chocolate goo. Yes, apparently the universe wanted Roman to prepare something easier, something more mundane, something like… What did Logan say?

It was 6 am, wasn’t it?

“Breakfast it is then!” smiled Roman to himself, completely oblivious to the sparks of madness that there brightening up his eyes. 

According to the article on wikipedia, it was impossible to mess up a breakfast (Roman would call it “mispreparing”, not “messing up”). Sure, for the past 2 years it was Virgil who was in charge of cooking, ever since he caught Roman trying to fry an egg in a toaster, but it was in the past and Roman learnt a lot since then. 

For example - he knew that he certainly needed a pan.

“Now is it a saucepan or frying pan…” he hummed happily, going through the content of the cupboards. “Is there even a difference…? It’s probably some american english and-or british english bullshit again,” Roman pondered, being completely wrong.

Finally he pulled out something that looked almost flat. He was pretty sure that the love of his life was usually using this silver shield to make his scrambled eggs. 

“Fantastic.” Roman praised himself, nodding to the pan. “The recipe suggests using one egg and butter. I assume that they don’t mean one whole butter…Hmm... ‘If you want to you can add a tomato but remember to’... Well, that seems a little bit over the top even for me.”

Carefully, not to burn himself, Roman put a spoon of butter on the pan. He stared at it for a moment, wondering vaguely why it hasn’t started melting yet. Then he turned on the burner. Pleased with the result (butter started melting!), he also turned on the oven just in case. He glanced at the clock. It was almost 7am.

“Great masterpieces take time.” he said out loud, hoping that the microwave agree. It didn’t but that was probably only because microwaves don’t talk. “It’s time for gran finale!”

Roman gently put the egg on his hand.

“You better not mess it up, mistress.” he mumbled to the egg, slowly raising the knife. He didn’t want his victim to see it coming. 

“I promise to make it quick.” he promised under his breath, before swiftly hitting the eggshell with a knife. It felt empowering, he could now understand why Virgil liked cooking so much. “And now… onto the pan…” 

One could think that there was no way someone would make a mistake at this point. But people are fools after all and some of them clearly haven’t heard of Roman. 

Step 1: Crack an egg.

Step 2: Try to put it onto the pan.

Step 3: Fail and miss the pan.

Step 4: Watch an egg hit the counter and then watch it slide on the floor.

Step 5: Remain in this position, asking why the world hates you.

If a look could cook, this egg would be fried to the bones with the way Roman stared at it. And if there was one thing he was proud of, it was the fact that there were no eggshells in this particular egg that was chilling on the floor. It however did mix with the flour that was there before.

Someone snickered and Roman turned around, almost losing his balance.

Sure enough, his boyfriend, Virgil - in his full morning glory, was standing in the door of the kitchen. He was also desperately trying to stop himself from laughing. His feet were bare and covered with white dust. He must have been standing there for a while now.

“H-hi, Virgil my dearest,” Roman stuttered, trying to ignore the crackling sound behind him. “I thought you are still asleep…”

“I woke up when I heard the fire alarm. It’s pretty loud,” explained Virgil, sporting the you-are-a-dumbass smile.

“Ah, haha. Well, it is pretty loud, isn’t it?” Roman scratched the back of his head, shooting the but-I-am-your-dumbass smile.

Virgil inhaled deeply, trying hard not to wrinkle his nose, “So… are you going to turn off that burner, Ro? Because I’d prefer not to eat the burnt butter from this wok?”

“Wo-who?” repeated Roman, his eyes widening.

“A wok. Also known as a wok pan.” explained Virgil, leaning against the counter to grab some towels, “A pan suited for Asian cuisine,” he added smirking.

“...”

“Go ahead, you can ask, Roman” beamed Virgil. He looked incredibly pleased with himself.

Roman sighed. God damn Virgil and his angelic-verging-on-mischievous smile.

“You don’t make scrambled eggs on a wok pan, do you?” he asked, knowing already what the answer was.

“Nope,” Virgil grinned and quickly pecked Roman’s lips, “But I do appreciate you trying, Ro. Although… maybe next time try to write a poem about breakfast instead of making one, what do you think?”

“But where would be romance in that?” groaned Roman softly, fixing his eyes on Virgil’s feet. He had a strange feeling of deja vu. 

Lean, slim fingers gripped on Roman’s chin, forcing him to look up.

Roman always thought that Virgil had the most beautiful eyes on earth.

“What do you mean by ‘where’s the romance’?” Virgil tilted his head cutely, “‘Roman’ is right in front of me and the ‘ce’ part is simply overrated.” he smiled, making it impossible for Roman not to lean closer and close the gap between their lips.

“Happy anniversary, Virgil.” he mumbled into a kiss, feeling the curl of Virgil’s lips against his own.

“Happy anniv, Ro.”

The end.

General taglist:

@depressed-alone​​ ​ @changeling-ash​​ @dear-lover-dearest​ @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2​​ @calmingthoughtsinyourhead​ @zo-geeky​​ @fandomfreak-19​​ @thegnatnat​​ @inha-led​​ @tree4life25​​ @panic-at-theeverywhere​​ @reallyanextrovertipromise  @shit-happens-bitchachos@pastel-patton123​​ @pinkeasteregg​​ @greymane902​​ @princeyssash​​ @ilovemyspoopydad​​ @musicphanpie-b​​ @all-these-trees-stealing-mah-o2 @birosezz​ @winged-outlaw @anxious-fander-talian-bean​ @lizaelsparrow @moonstonefox12 @pastelnerd101  somecrappyclonemysticalstrawberryface @ninjago2020​  donteatmyassghostie toriwithacamera moxiety–sanders101 confinesofpersonalknowledge xxladystarlightxx wheeitsvee a-very-optimistic-realist narniasfinestavengingsociopath  thequeensqueer allycat31415 rileys-main-blog-spotroman-is-a-dramatic-prince virgil-my-diamond justanotherproblem faacethefacts  beautifully-terribly logical-but-anxious queen-of-all-things-snuggly seabellart   @generalfandomfabulousness lostin—translation  knine-nights  @poisonedapples @talhaddelpla @punk-and-flowers @quietlypondering @milomeepit 0joodles0  grape-soda-city-kid sanders-sides-stuff lonelysoul43 imtooaromaticforthis @xxxbladeangelxxx

[voldemorthatesnose96]

Colors In Silence

Chapter 3

Chapter 2 here

Chapter 1 here

Disclaimer : just wanting to remind you all that English is not my mother language. Sure, I’ve been learning it my whole life but when it comes to grammar, I admit that I’m very much lacking. So if you find any grammatical errors, I’m more than happy to know. You can always knock on my dms <3

I can’t stop looking at my phone. It has been 3 days since I saw Robbe and there’s no text from him whatsoever. We exchanged numbers after that lunch and, let me tell you that it was one of the best moments of my life. The food was great, our conversation was amazing and I finally learnt about Robbe’s life; he’s an only child, divorced parents but both still respect each other very well and sometimes they even go on vacations together, been deaf since he was only 6, doesn’t want to go to college because it’s too tiresome and later his Dad open the flower shop for Robbe to feel at peace and make his own money, met his girlfriend named Gia in the supermarket when he was helping her to reach the top shelf and they’ve been together for over 2 years now (I gulped loudly when he ‘told’ me this. 2 years is a fucking long time!!!).

All these memories, I can’t help but miss him right now. I need to see him but what if he’s with her? What if he’s on vacation with her, like Hugo and Violet?

Screw Gia. Text him NOW!

You win this time, brain.

Apparently my longing is far more superior than my guilt. Feels like my fingers are already know what I’m supposed to type :

Robbe, how’re you? It’s been 3 days since we saw each other and... well, if you’re free, can we meet again soon?

And without another pause, I send it. Now the most infuriating part is starting; waiting anxiously.

Hang on.

I’m not being too creepy or demanding with that text, right? What if he’s gonna hate me because of it? What if he doesn’t want to see me again? What if...

Before my brain is making up another scary scenario, my phone beeps. I immediately open it and almost scream when Robbe replies :

Hey, sorry for not texting you. I just thought maybe you’ve been busy with your project and stuff; don’t wanna disturb, y’know. I’m good but yesterday Gia was being a little difficult, we even had a row :/ but ofc we can meet but maybe the day after tomorrow? My parents are going to take me to watch a play out of town tonight and we’ll be going home tomorrow. Wdyt? :)

Can’t contain my excitement, I quickly reply :

No problem! Any day is fine! But if you don’t mind me asking, what’s going on with you and Gia? Are you okay?

I’m not asking on how she’s doing because I don’t give a damn and even if I know her personally, I still don’t want to give a damn. Maybe I’m a bit mean but after reading what Robbe said about them lowkey being not okay and even arguing, my heart is swelling with joy.

His reply comes 5 minutes later :

It’s okay. So, I forgot that yesterday was our anniversary because the shop has been so busy, I even had to ask my Mom’s friends to help me sort that out. At 10 pm, when I just wanted to close the shop—being DEAD-ASS tired, there she was; stomping and giving me a death glare. She was half-screaming “I WAS WAITING FOR 3 HOURS, ROBBE! DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASING IT IS FOR A GIRL LIKE ME, IN A FANCY RESTAURANT ALL ALONE AND CRYING IN SECRET?! YOU DIDN’T EVEN READ MY TEXT! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU???” but the funniest part is she didn’t even let me explain and said “know what? Screw you! I hate you! Leave me alone! Don’t even bother to say sorry!” instead. So I just stood in front of my shop, with people staring at us and a second later, Gia walked away from there, crying *smh* but there you have it. My oh-so-touching love story. Feel free to cry or laugh.... or both -_-

I’m sorry, Robbe, but I do laugh after reading your text. Whoa, I can’t comprehend why a girl go feral when her boyfriend forgets their anniversary. To be fair, Yoona never remembered our anniversary, nor did I; though I still remember how we met. We met at the school cafetaria when she asked me to swap her pasta with my mango pudding and because she gave me such a radiant smile, I couldn’t say no. Therefore, after lunch was almost over, I approached and tried to talk to her; the rest is history. Oh by the way, we’ve dated officially after 3 times going out together. A year later, Jonah happened and we were going downhill fast.

But I don’t need to talk about her any longer. She’s happy with him now and I’m already falling in love with someone else—a very special person if I might add.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I can understand how scary a girl can be hahaha. Maybe going out of town with your parents tonight can lift up your mood :)

Robbe replies :

Tbh, I’d rather spend the night with you. You can cheer me up like no other, honestly.

My breath legit stops for a minute because of that text. Did he actually.... OH MY GOD! He’d rather spend the night with ME? ME?!?!

Lord, if you’re really there, I need your help not to send a risky text to him, showing him that I want that too. No, I need that.

Just say what you wanna say, Sander. If he can be blunt, you also do that.

I really do hate how my brain works sometimes but today, I do what it told me to. Twice. So I type :

The feeling’s mutual, Robbe. *sigh* if only we could see each other right now, that’d be great. Don’t you think?

He replies :

I do think so but I can’t, yet. So I’m looking forward to our next meeting. Where do you wanna go?

To be honest, I don’t even know. If I say that I want to go to the art gallery, I’m scared that it’ll bore him, if I say that we better watch the new movie at the cinema then it’ll be too mundane. I’ve never been this stressful about going somewhere when Yoona and I were still together.

I don’t know. Any ideas?

He replies :

You decide this time, not me :) I’ll wait until tomorrow. Okay?

I smile while typing :

No problem. Challenge accepted

He replies :

Well, gotta go. Need to pack for tonight. But you have to impress me with your choice or I’m never going out with you again. Bye for now, Sander. P.S : I’ll text you tomorrow, don’t worry. Ciao!

“Have fun, Robbe.” I say softly to my screen, pretending that he can hear it from here.

It feels really good to finally be able to look forward to something. To see Robbe again. Even though we can’t meet today or tomorrow just yet, at least he said that he would text me again and that thought alone makes me happy and content.

Because I’m feeling delirious, I run to the art room and immediately start to sketch one thing that comes into my mind while thinking of Robbe—a tulip. Even though I’m not an expert or as good as Robbe but because I’m an artist who’s often drawing or sketching some flowers, I do read books about them. To be frank, I only remember the meaning of the popular ones like sunflower, peony, rose, orchid and not the ones like what Robbe gave me the other day; larkspur and all that and I don’t understand why it happens.

Most people declares their love for someone using roses, especially the red one. But I’m different. I always like tulips among all flowers. The way their colours can lit up the whole field, very vibrant and pleasing; not too dramatic but not too subtle either. That’s exactly how I felt when I saw Robbe’s smile for the first time. It warms my heart and also sends chills down my spine. Maybe it was love at first sight.

But before my thoughts can go any further, Dad’s voice greets me.

“Son?”

“It’s me, Dad.” I reply without looking at him, hand still sketching.

I hear his feet approach and stop beside me, his eyes are examining my art.

“Why a single tulip?”

Of course I can’t tell him the truth, so instead, I say, “I just wanted to.”

He becomes silent for a while before continuing, “something happened to you while I was gone?”

My hand stops instantly, my body goes rigid. Is there any indication or a slightest reaction from me that tells him why I’m doing this thing? Oh God, no.

“Son?”

I shake my head, “nothing happened.”

“You can’t lie to me, Sander,” he answers, sighing. “I know how you feel by just looking at your arts. You can always tell me what’s wrong.”

That’s it.

That’s the last straw.

I had enough!

”STOP ASSUMING SHITS ABOUT ME!” I retort. “All those years you carved me into something, into someone just like you! I know that I never complained but you NEVER asked me what I want or what I need! Since Mum died, you never acted like a proper parent for me but a teacher. Just a mere teacher. To be honest, Dad, I always feel like an orphan. You don’t even know when I’m sick, whom I hang out with, where I’m going except the Art School and so many other things. But NOW you suddenly came here and even had the audacity to tell you what’s wrong with me? Okay, I’ll tell you what’s wrong, I’m falling in love with a boy. A BOY—and yes I’m aware that I’d been dating a girl before but this time is different. To make matter worse for you, Dad, I’m a Pansexual and I fully realised that when I was 11,” I stop to take a breath. Dad’s face still looking stoic but also sad, somehow. I can’t take this anymore. I need to leave. “Know what? I don’t give a shit whether you’re gonna be disgusted with me or not because of that. I’m done! SCHLUSS!”

And with that, I walk out from there without looking back and close the door loudly behind me.

[uncloseted]

Hey Christina!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m hyped. I was wondering if you could do a “50 things about yourself” idk if you’ve done it before but I’d like to know about you cause you’re so cool! 😎 and we love you

Hi!  I haven’t done one before but I’m happy to.  And of course, if there’s anything you guys want to know about me I’m an open book.  This particular “50 Things” tag is old school Tumblr, so it’s sort of random, but hopefully something in there is interesting for you guys.

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Reddit.  I’m an information junkie and most of the stuff on there has very little use in my life, but once in a while I come across a gem and it’s what keeps me scrolling.

2.       What makes your day better?

Iced coffee.  There’s a coffee shop near my house that I really like, and I also bought a bunch of the fancy flavored syrups so I can make it at home.

3.       What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I’ve been having a pretty chill day so far, but spending the day with my boyfriend has been really nice.

4.       What fictional place would you like to go?

The Night Circus!  It’s one of my secret ambitions in life to actually build it.

5.       Are you good at giving advice?

I sure hope so, otherwise I’m running some of your lives 😂. But seriously, I do my best.1.

6.       Do you have any mental illness?

Let’s say I know my way around a therapist’s office and leave it at that.

7.       Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes!  I used to get a combination of sleep paralysis and exploding head syndrome semi-regularly, but that hasn’t happened in years.

8.       What musician inspired you the most?

I don’t know about “inspired” but I think The Velvet Underground had a big hand in shaping who I am.  Also Patti Smith, she’s great.  I highly recommend her book “Just Kids” to all of you.  There’s something about it that feels Skinsy even though on paper they’re nothing alike.

9.       Have you ever fallen in love?

Absolutely.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I couldn’t be happier. 

10.   What’s your dream date?

I love driving to a new city and checking out what there is to do there.  I think having a place that you share just with that one person is really romantic. 

11.   What do other people notice about you?

My hair, my clothes, or my “intimidating” face are the ones I hear the most often.

12.  What is the annoying habit you have?

My boyfriend really hates it when I do “active listening” (where you nod or make noises to let people know you’re still paying attention to them).

13.  Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but I hope they’re doing well.

14.  How many ex’s do you have?

6ish would be my guess?  I’d be interested to know if all of those people would say that I’m their ex, though.

15.  How many songs are on your playlist?

I don’t really make playlists, so I guess none.  I’m sorry that’s a super boring answer. 

16.  What instruments can you play?

Piano and bass guitar pretty well and tuba badly (and I can’t actually carry the instrument anymore).  I could play the flute when I was younger but I imagine I can’t anymore.

17.  Who do you have the most pictures of?

My boyfriend, I think.  I have a Polaroid camera and I like taking pictures of him when he’s not paying attention. 

18.  Where would you like to go before you die?

Argentina, Scandinavia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Russia, Vietnam, South Africa, Morocco, Australia, Antarctica, and the moon.

19.  What is your zodiac?

Libra!  My birthday is coming up on the 17th. 

20.  Do you relate to it?

I do!  And I feel sort of badly about that because I know that zodiac is just the Barnum Effect in action, but the Libra desire for balance, idealism, and love of aesthetics is me. 

21.  What is happiness to you?

Being free of expectations from myself and other people.

22.  Are you going through anything right now?

In my experience, adulthood is just going through different things for the rest of your life, so yes. Pretty much always.  But right now I’m looking for a new job and that’s been a lot.

23.  What is the worst decision you’ve ever made?

How much time do you have?  I did a lot of things in my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of.

24.  What is your favourite store?

I love really giant department stores like Harrod’s, or covered markets with tons of different random stalls.  I like the idea that you don’t know what you’re going to find.  I also love antique stores for the same reason.

25.  What is your opinion on abortion?

It should be available and accessible to anyone who wants or needs it.  But so should birth control.  And I think it’s important that people understand all of their options before making a decision and are given mental health support if they need it as well. 

26.  Do you have a bucket list?

Not really.  I had basically one thing that I’d always wanted to accomplish and that happened way earlier than I expected, so now I’m trying to figure out what my next thing will be.

27.  Do you have a favourite album at the moment?

Blue Scholar’s Cinematropolis or Belle & Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress.  And Velvet Underground’s Loaded, always. 

28.  What do you want for your birthday?

I’m hoping my boyfriend and I will go away for the weekend.  Fingers crossed that our schedules work out!

29.  What are most people’s first impression of you?

I think people find me to be intimidating (when they’re being generous) or mean (when they’re not).  Like I said before, I have a bit of a bitchy face and so I have to make a conscious effort to smile at people.

30.  What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m not sure.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just sort of “in my 20s” and people don’t care what the exact number is.  But in general, I think people assume I am however old they are, so anywhere from like 18-30.

31.  Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Right next to my bed, which you shouldn’t do.  But I read on my phone before I go to sleep and I use it as an alarm clock, so it ends up on my bedside table.

32.  What word do you say the most?

It’s probably “but”.  I spend a lot of time considering all the possibilities in a given situation so I spend a lot of time being like, “but what about this? But what if that? Things could be this way, but on the other hand they’re like that”.  I don’t think I really have a catchphrase, though.

33.  What’s the oldest age you would date?

Thirty, probably?  I feel like anyone older than that is probably in a different stage of their life than I am.

34.  What’s the youngest age you would date?

Twenty three or so?  They would have to be out of college.

35.  What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Other than the job I do now, I get a lot of people saying that I should be an art curator or a museum curator.  And I get people telling me I should be a therapist, obviously.

36.  What’s your favourite music genre?

Like most people I like your general pop/rock situation.  I really like baroque pop, which is pop music but that includes orchestral instruments.  And then I also love electroswing, I think it’s such a fun blend of genres.

37.  If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Either the Netherlands or Denmark.  But I would also like to spend some time in France and more time in Italy, where I did study abroad.  I also really love the UK, but given the current political situation I’m not sure I’ll be moving there any time soon, especially since I’d need a visa.

38.  What is your current favourite song?

I don’t know if I really have one.  I do enjoy when I hear Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” on the radio, though, does that count?

39.  How long have you had this blog for?

Since October, 2013!  I’m coming up on my six year anniversary.  I think I have something like 30,000 posts.

40.  What are you excited for?

The future! I think no matter how the present seems, the future is always an exciting prospect. 

41.  Are you a better talker or listener?

I think this might surprise some people, but I think I’m a better talker than listener.

42.  What is the last productive thing you did?

The last really productive thing I did was to film a pitch video for a project I’m working on, but the most recent is doing some work for this blog.

43.  What do you want for Christmas?

The impeachment of Donald Trump? Can Santa do that?  I would also take “people taking climate crisis seriously”.

44.  What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, philosophy/religion and psychology. At university I did very well in “Iconic Figures of Popular Music: Simon and Garfunkel”.

45.  On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling?

Around a 7.  I need to get dressed and leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere in particular I need to be so I’ve been putting it off.

46.  What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

I’d like to be living in a different country than the one I do now with my boyfriend.  I’d like to be self employed or remotely employed, so that I have flexibility in when and where I do work.  I want to be doing something where I’m bettering other people’s lives or the world at large. But mostly what I’d like to be doing is traveling and learning.  But really my priority is that by that time, I want to be content with myself.  I think what you’re doing and where you’re doing it is so much less important than how you feel while doing it, and in 10 years I hope I can say that I’m living a happy and worthwhile life, whatever that ends up being.

47.  When did you get your first heart broken?

I think I was 14.  What I’ll say about it is this- in the moment it mattered so, so much to me.  My parents were the first person that each other dated and I assumed that was how all relationships worked, so when that wasn’t how this one worked out, I was devastated.  But now I barely remember that person, and  I live with someone else who’s completely different and totally awesome and I couldn’t be happier.  I know it sounds like a lie but with time and perspective all wounds can heal.

48.  At what age do you want to get married?

I didn’t think I wanted to get married at all.  I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding where you’re the center of attention and everyone is starting at you.  But in the long run being legally married is practical, so my boyfriend and I will probably do it at some point when we feel like it makes logistic sense.

49.  What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be an Imagineer at Disney.  They’re the people who design the theme parks.  I also wanted to be the president of the moon.

50.  What do you crave right now?

Excitement!  Nothing is going on in my day right now and I’m starting to get bored.  I have a very low tolerance for boredom so days like this really get to me.

[pretendingboyfriends]

5,000 Miles//Sam Holland

I woke up one early morning to the sound of my phone ringing. I lazily grabbed it from my night stand and squinted at the caller ID. Smiling to myself, I answered it and brought my phone to my ear as I laid on my back.

"Hey,"

I said groggily.

"Good morning, my love."

My boyfriend's thick British accent almost melted through the phone, causing a tired smile to spread across my face.

"Ugh, I love your voice.”

"I've never heard that before."

He replied sarcastically, chuckling a little.

"Oh, shut up, Sam."

I muttered, rolling my eyes as if he could see me, but he really couldn't.

Yes, Sam and I were dating, but it was different. It was different in the sense that we lived almost 5,000 miles away from each other and had never actually met in person. Everyone told me that it was dangerous and a bad idea because it would never work out, but here I was almost 2 years into our relationship and we were just as in love as any normal couple, except the only face to face contact was through a screen.

When I first met Sam he had followed me on Instagram through a private account, leading me to think he was just a regular guy. Boy, was I wrong. The smooth ass motherfucker slid into my dms and immediately began flirting with me. I was a bit skeptical at first, but when I saw the pictures of him on his page, my mind was changed very quickly. We continued to flirt through dm until we exchanged numbers and began texting. He told me about his brothers and everything, most likely expecting me to lose my shit about his older brother, Tom, being Spider-Man. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Spider-Man, but I wasn't about to treat him like every other girl in the world and only talk to him for his brothers fame. No, I actually grew fond of him. Even before he told me about his brother I felt something between us.

When he first asked me to be his girlfriend I was a bit hesitant, but I said yes because I actually liked him a lot. The only thing that was making me hesitate was the distance. It was hard at first, but after 6 months I'd gotten used to it. We would FaceTime, call, text etc. and that was just how we expected it to go, until one day, two weeks before our two year anniversary, he FaceTimed me and told me he had a surprise for me. I didn't really know what to expect, but then he pulled out a plane ticket and held it to the camera with a broad smile slapped across his freckled face. I was overwhelmed with joy as I literally jumped around my room, crying and laughing. I was finally going to meet him.

Then, the countdown began.

Every day I would mark off one day on the calendar that hung on my dorm room wall. The only thing getting me through the day.

At 10 days he called me very early in the morning, knowing the exact time where I was because after two years he'd obviously know the time difference. All he said was,

"10 days."

And then hung up, leaving me giggly all day.

He continued to call me every day at the exact same time just to count down the days.

"6 days."

"5 days."

"4 days."

"3 days."

"2 days."

And finally...

"One day, my love."

I couldn't sleep a wink the night before he was supposed to fly in. I was far too excited to even think about sleeping so I just stayed up and cleaned my apartment, making sure everything was perfect because he'd be staying for a week and I wanted everything to go well.

Finally, it was morning. I put on some black jeans, paired with a large college sweatshirt, and my slide on black and white vans. I know most girls would have dolled themselves up, but Sam specifically told me not to because he'd feel very under dressed if I did and he didn't care what I looked like anyways.

I drove to the airport, becoming more and more nervous as the time neared. I sat in the waiting area, just nervously tapping my foot until I heard his flight number being called. I shot up out of my seat and quickly made my way to the gate, hoping he would see me. People flooded out of the gate all around me as I craned my neck and stood on my toes to find him. Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of his brown curls and his freckled face, causing my heart to jump.

"Sam!"

I called, jumping up and down as I ran towards him. He didn't see me at first, but as soon as he did, he dropped all of his luggage and ran towards me, scooping me into his arms as soon as we were close enough. My arms were wrapped tightly around his neck with my face buried into his shoulder, inhaling his scent as he did the same to me. We didn't even say anything we just stood, crying in each other's arms. Eventually, we pulled back to look at each other, both of us crying and laughing hysterically.

"God, you're even more beautiful in person."

He whispered as he stared into my eyes before leaning in to kiss me. Our lips finally met and for a split second, everything went completely still and I felt like we were all alone. I could definitely feel fireworks. Maybe even full on explosions. We pulled away at the same time, not even able to comprehend what was happening.

I helped him carry his things out of the airport and to my car, both of us just glancing at each other and giggling every so often. We put all of his things into the back of my car and settled ourselves into the front.

"Ok, so I was thinking we would stay in today since you're probably exhausted and then we'll start on the fun stuff tomorrow. How does that sound?"

I asked, starting the car. He smiled and slipped his hand into mine,

"Anything's fine when I'm with you."

My face turned a bright shade of red as I pulled out of the parking lot, hoping he hadn't noticed my blushing.

The whole car ride back was filled with nervous giggles and conversations, but it wasn't as awkward as I was expecting. It felt right to be with him.

I swung my apartment door open and stepped inside, Sam following close behind.

"So, this is my home. It's kinda small, but I deal with it."

He looked around slowly, taking in every piece of art that hung from the walls.

"It's lovely."

He said, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and resting his chin on my shoulder. I smiled and turned around in his arms, placing my hands on his chest. He leaned his face down to mine and captured my lips with his. His lips were so soft, I just couldn't get enough of them. They tasted of sweet mint, leading me to think he had brushed his teeth before seeing me for the first time. How adorable.

"Would you like something to eat or drink?"

I asked, pulling away from him and walking into my small kitchen area. He continued to look around, leaning up against the counter,

"Water would be nice."

I nodded and quickly grabbed a glass, filling it up with the chilled liquid and handing it to him. I sat back, watching him sip at carefully as I let out a yawn.

"Are you tired?"

He asked, placing the glass on the counter. I shrugged,

"Kinda. I couldn't really sleep last night. I was too excited."

He chuckled and grabbed my hand, pulling me into a hug.

"I love you."

I smiled, burying my face into his chest, closing my eyes, and mumbling:

"I love you too."

"Not gonna lie, I could go for a nap also."

He muttered into my hair, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Pulling back, I took his hand into mine and dragged him to my bedroom, flopping back onto my soft bed.

"C'mere and give me two years worth of cuddles that we've missed."

I said, tugging his hand as he climbed over me. He wrapped his arms around me with a faint smile painted across his freckled face.

Everything was perfect. He was with me. I was happy. And even though it was only a short period of time, nothing would ever tear us apart. Not even 5,000 miles.

A/N: This is from my wattpad what1am1doing. Let me know if you want to be tagged in all my writings.

Tags: @zendmylife

[epiphany-in-exile]

Billboard Taylor Swift's 2017: The Timeline 12/18/2017 by Allison Stubblebine From the record-breaking 'Reputation' to speaking out against sexual assault, Swift continued to change culture in 2017. Taylor Swift didn't do a lot in 2017... until she did. Following months spent attempting to fly under the radar, and the Instagram blackout of Aug. 2017, Swift took the rest of the year by storm, with a not-so-traditional album rollout for Reputation and a series of larger than life visuals to accompany the first singles. Fans got a sneak preview at what was to come from her personally curated Secret Sessions, but those were hidden away from the lens of the media. Now that Reputation is here to stay, Billboard has taken a look back at Swift's action packed year. Jan. 27 - “I Don’t Want to Live Forever” music video release Swift kicked off the New Year with the release of the visuals to Fifty Shades Darker track “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever.” Swift and former 1D artist Zayn trashed a hotel room for the video, lit by flashing shades of blue and red. The song peaked at No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100. Feb. 4 2017 - Taylor Swift plays “only show of 2017” Swift broke some disappointing news to fans during her pre-Super Bowl set for DIRECTV Now Super Saturday Night. "I have to be really honest with you about something: As far as I know, I'm doing one show in 2017. And as far as I know, this is that one show," Swift said long before the announcement of Reputation. She added, “You're the crowd in my most recent daydreams, when I'm thinking about being onstage, so I was wondering: If you don't feel like dancing for yourself or screaming for yourself, you don't feel in the mood or whatever, you're like stressed out, would you do it for me tonight?" Feb. 15-16 - TAS Rights Management, LLC filed nine separate trademarks for “Swifties” Swift’s brand nailed down the things most true to her: Swifties. Nine separate trademarks were filed for the word alone, including one involving “a website featuring non-downloadable audio recordings [and] video recordings.” The idea that Swift would launch her own streaming service was debunked. Mar. 2 - Ed Sheeran teases Swift’s upcoming album The singer revealed that his pal would be putting her music out quite late on in the year, saying, “Taylor [Swift] isn’t going to be releasing until probably the end of this year—Christmas is the smartest time to release because that’s when everyone buys records.” Looks like he was right. Mar. 10 - Man arrested for stalking/burglary inside Swift’s apartment building A man was arrested in Swift’s New York City building on charges of burglary, stalking, and trespassing. According to a Page Six report, the man allegedly hoped to meet the singer face-to-face. While the man was initially held on $20,000 bail, he was found unfit to stand trial and reportedly “placed in the custody of the New York State Office of Mental Health” as of late September. April 4 - “Busy working” on new album in Nashville After the singer had been spotted driving around Nashville, a source confirmed to ET that she’d come “to get away from the paparazzi,” and also that she had “been busy working on her upcoming album.” May 15 - She’s really in Nashville! Swift celebrates Mother’s Day at home with her mom TMZ did the heavy digging and proved that Swift really had been in Nashville - though she may have been hopping back and forth, as she was spotted getting onto her private jet after a spending the weekend with mama Swift for Mother’s Day. July 4 - Keeping it low-key for the first time in years on the Fourth of July Paparazzi were very upset that Swift didn’t have an Independence day blowout tailor-made for media, even though she'd been keeping a relatively low profile all year. Aug. 14 - $1 Countersuit Win The long-drawn-out legal battle between DJ David Mueller, who was accused of reaching under the pop star’s skirt to grope her during a photo shoot in 2013, was finally put to rest. After Mueller attempted to countersue for damages that occurred following Swift’s accusation (which was quietly made to the station, who promptly let him go), the singer was awarded a single symbolic dollar in damages. Swift’s attorney Douglas Baldridge explained the value, “It means no means no, and it tells every woman that they will determine what is tolerated with their body." Aug. 18-20 - Bye bye, old Taylor… and old posts In the internet-breaking fashion Swift seems to have perfected, the singer’s social media accounts went into full blackout mode. No old posts were to be found anywhere, signaling that she was gearing up to launch something huge. Aug. 21 - She’s back, but only with some snakes In one of the best social media moments of the year, Swift posted a three-part series of glitch-y snake videos without captions to her Instagram to break her short-lived blackout. The image of the snake had become synonymous with Swift’s internet-meme identity, following the drawn-out beef with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West regarding West’s “Famous” lyrics and video. Aug. 23 - It’s an album! After five days (AKA an eternity in Swiftie time), Swift revealed the project behind the social media madness. Continuing in the three-part posting style, Swift announced “FIRST SINGLE OUT TOMORROW NIGHT,” posted the cover art, and announced the release date for then-upcoming album Reputation. All posts were still caption-less. Aug. 24 - Look what you made her do. Swift released Reputation’s lead single “Look What You Made Me Do” with a clever caption on Instagram: “..ready for it? New single #LookWhatYouMadeMeDo out now.” Of course, the forthcoming track title remained an inside joke to the singer’s team upon posting time. Aug. 27 - Look what you made her do, part two. The singer premiered the visuals for “LWYMMD” at the 2017 MTV VMAs, snagging 43.2 million views in the first 24 hours alone, now standing with over 783 million views. The Joseph Kahn-directed visual is loaded with references to the “old Taylor,” including a tombstone for Nils Sjoberg, her songwriting pseudonym on ex-boyfriend Calvin Harris’ 2016 hit “This Is What You Came For,” nearly all of her most iconic outfits, more snakes, and nearly all her besties’ names scribbled on a new version of her “You Belong With Me” music video costume. Sept. 3 - “…Ready for It?” released Swift released the second track off Reputation after she previewed it on Saturday Night Football the night prior. It followed suit with the darker, much more dramatic new Taylor, yet gave no clearer picture of what was yet to come. Sept. 5 - No. 1, again Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do" tops the Billboard Hot 100, where it would reign for three weeks. The song was her fifth Hot 100 No. 1 and broke the weekly streaming record for a song by a woman; it also stopped the record-tying 16-week reign of "Despacito." Sept. 7 - TayTay On Demand Ever wanted to know what Swift is up to at any given moment? Well this isn’t exactly that, but the trailer jokes that it will be. Swift announced her new video-on-demand channel in partnership with AT&T and DirectTV called Taylor Swift NOW, accompanied by a hilarious play-by-play of Swift’s day in the studio (complete with Andy Samberg cameo). Oct. 11 - The Swift Life app announced Stans will finally have a one-stop-shop for finding out everything there is to know about their fave singer. It is said to function as a social network of sorts, leaning into Swift’s hobby of “lurking” and replying to fans on social media, and also offering an opportunity to “collect Taymojis, stickers, pics, and more.” Oct. 20 - “Gorgeous” released The predictable yet addicting pop track the world was waiting for finally arrived. Swift sang of a romantic interest that was somehow too gorgeous for even a superstar like her to talk to. James Reynolds, two-year-old daughter of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, was later officially credited in album liner notes as the voice at the beginning of the track. Oct. 27 - “…Ready for it?” returns with visuals The fans surely weren’t ready for it, yet with the Joseph Kahn directed video packed with hidden messages, it wasn’t long before Swifties decoded them all. Among the most obvious are Swift’s birth year spray-painted on a wall, the Chinese characters for “Year of the Snake,” as well as a similar lightning strike in the intro to Calvin Harris’ “This is What You Came For” album art. Nov. 2 - “Call It What You Want” lyric video released Fans started to get a fuller picture of what was coming from Reputation in just over a week. Swift seemed to be finding her way to happiness in the first ballad to be released from the album, but she was still attempting to rid herself of the drama she’d endured. The day was special for more than one reason, coinciding with the 13th anniversary (Swift’s lucky number) of meeting Scott Borchetta, the Big Machine Records executive who signed her and gave her the fateful big break. Nov. 7 - Track list revealed on Swift’s Instagram Account Three days prior to the Reputation release date, Swift posted the back cover to the album, featuring the track listing. Nov. 8 - CMA Win Even though she's left country in the dust on her own albums, Swift's song for Little Big Town, "Better Man," nabbed song of the year at the 2017 CMAs. Nov. 9 - The album was leaked, and this is why we can’t have nice things In this day and age, so many albums leak prior to release date, but not quite in this fashion: missing from the leaked files was track no. 13, “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.” Whether it was at the hands of Swift’s team, Swift herself, or a sneaky fan, it was quite the clever move. On the same day, an intimate recording “New Years Day” from what looks like a secret session was premiered on ABC during an episode of Scandal. Nov. 10 - Reputation is out everywhere, except for streaming services Reputation hit shelves and online retailers; a Target exclusive version included a magazine with poems and photos from Swift. She announced 20 days later that Reputation would be available to stream at midnight on Dec. 1. Nov. 11 - SNL Swift plays Saturday Night Live, busting out "...Ready for It?" and an acoustic "Call It What You Want." Nov. 13 - Tonight Show Following the death of Jimmy Fallon's mother, Taylor Swift agreed to appear on The Tonight Show to play a moving version of "New Year's Day." Nov. 20 - Reputation Is No. 1 Swift's Reputation becomes her fifth No. 1 album on the Billboard 200. Reputation notched 2017’s biggest week for an album, as the set earned 1.238 million equivalent album units in the week ending Nov. 16, according to Nielsen Music. Of that sum, 1.216 million were in traditional album sales -- the largest sales frame for an album since 2015. It would hold the No. 1 spot for three weeks. Nov. 28 - Grammy Time The Taylor Swift-penned "Better Man" from Little Big Town is nominated for best country song -- which is a songwriter(s) award, so Swift will get a trophy if it wins. She's also nominated for best song written for visual media for her Zayn collab "I Don't Want to Live Forever." Dec. 1 - Taylors In the Stream Reputation appears on the major streaming services. Dec. 4 2017 - Reputation, but make it fashion (UK Vogue cover) Vogue UK revealed its first cover of the new year would feature Swift. Newly appointed Editor in Chief Edward Enninful styled the singer during his second cover after taking the reigns from Alexandra Shulman. Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott, also photographers for all Reputation visuals, shot the twelve-page spread. Two days later, the high fashion mag revealed a poem Swift wrote exclusively to run with the feature, titled, "The Trick to Holding On." Dec. 6 2017 - Swift is one of Time’s “Silence Breakers” Her summer court case was not meant to be a media spectacle, but it was meant to prove a point with the symbolic $1 request. As Time gave the platform to “The Silence Breakers,” women who helped bring sexual assault and harassment to the forefront of the national conversation, as its 2017 Person of the Year, Swift was among the individuals highlighted. The Time interview is the first time Swift has done press about the court case, and in it she detailed reaching out to Kesha for support, as well as her feelings as she sat in the courtroom. "I was angry. In that moment, I decided to forego any courtroom formalities and just answer the questions the way it happened,” Swift said. “This man hadn’t considered any formalities when he assaulted me, and his lawyer didn’t hold back on my mom -- why should I be polite? I’m told it was the most amount of times the word 'ass' has ever been said in Colorado Federal Court." Dec. 8 2017 - Swift Plays iHeartRadio’s Z100 Jingle Ball in NYC The pre-Super Bowl performance wasn’t her only concert of 2017, after all. Camila Cabello and Lindsay Lohan were Swift’s biggest fans at the show, posting videos dancing the night away to various social media platforms. Dec. 11 - Reputation Continues to Be Big Swift earned her 55th Hot 100 hit with Reputation album track "End Game," featuring rapping from Future, Ed Sheeran and herself. Dec. 13 - B'Day & Tix While some fans were able to buy tickets in advance, the general public tickets for Swift's Reputation Tour went on sale Dec. 13, 2017 -- not coincidentally her 28th birthday. She released a tour trailer to celebrate. Dec. 14 - Still Getting 'Ready' Swift dropped a lyric video for BloodPop's bouncy remix of "...Ready for It?"

[while-im-home]

Sunday 15/03/2020

So today I was finally hit by whatever plague has been circling my immune system. I’ve had a kind of sore throat for about 3 days and feeling like I’m burning up every now and then and this morning, I felt like I had been hit by a tonne of bricks. My body aches, I’m sweating buckets, I feel a little confused and dizzy, my sore throat doesn’t seem to be here but something is definitely up. I climb into bed and put the fan on to try and combat this hot flush I’m having. There I stayed for the rest of the day, watching YouTube on my phone all day and hoping I would feel better as the day went on. This did not happen. Unfortunately I don’t remember much of that evening other than feeling sad that this was how I was feeling.

Monday 16/03/2020

Today was hard. Today was the anniversary of my mum passing away. I felt really horrible mentally and physically today. My soul ached not just because she was gone but also because I felt too crappy to do anything to remember her by. I planned to bake some cupcakes and B had given me a wonderful gift to remember her by, a video message that can be sent into space and he was going to record me and pay to send it into space through a company he found last year and had been keeping it a secret until today. It was so sweet of him. I cried for hours that day. I spent this day in bed again, feeling sorry for myself and also a little angry as my online food shop had arrived and half of my order was missing because of those asshole panic buyers swiping all the things. I took a turn for the worse tonight. I felt as though my face and body were pressed against scalding radiators and I felt very tired and delirious. B said I didn’t feel as though I had a temperature but my cheeks felt like they were going to catch fire any second. We tried to call 111 but we couldn’t get through. A lot of other panicked people it seemed. At this point we had been convincing ourselves that there was no way I had coronavirus, I had only seen one person and I was housebound anyway due to my agoraphobia. It must’ve just been a flu. I was drifting in and out of sleep as my body battled all these horrible feelings, my arms and legs felt so heavy and ached heavily. I managed to get to sleep with a cold flannel on my face.

Tuesday 17/03/2020

I woke up feeling a little better. I didn’t feel as though I was burning up anymore but I did feel shortness of breath and I messaged my friend who I had seen around a week prior to see if she had this feeling. She did. Granted her feelings were a lot more cold based where as I primarily had a fever and an achy body. She recommended I call 111 and see what they say. I decide to do it later when B had woken up (he had stayed up really late the night previously). Thankfully B had brought my Xbox into the bedroom for me and I began a playthrough of L.A.Noire. A game I adored but had never fully finished before. I will be talking about this a lot. I flew through Traffic and Homocide that day but before I could even think about starting Ad-Vice B had woken up. He was very anxious. He takes medication for his anxiety and was late in taking it so he was in rather a bad state mentally but called 111 for me anyway as my symptoms had started to worsen again. My ear was bright red and was burning up and that slowly traveled to my cheeks again. We got through this time and the woman was rather rude to me. She said because I had a fever and shortness of breath, they were going to transfer to me to the coronavirus specialist phonelines. I was sure I didn’t have it because I don’t have a cough. And that was the main symptom. They gave them my number and eventually called me back, she was the loveliest woman ever and said that they would keep me on their radar in case my symptoms worsen or anything but until then all I can do is self isolate and rest up. I fell asleep that night struggling to breathe and woke up many times in the night because of it. It was horrible.

Wednesday 18/03/2020

I don’t remember much from today. I remember feeling short on breath all day and feeling incredibly lonely. Self isolation is incredibly isolating, who would’ve known. I miss my friends and my boyfriend. He’s being cautious with me but is still managing to be a loving and caring boyfriend. My dad visited me but didn’t come into my bedroom, was the first time I had seen him in weeks. We don’t really have the best relationship. I remember eating more than I had done the day previously. And I remember that drinking had been a problem, I was struggling to force myself to stay hydrated, I only managed to force myself to drink one cup on one of the days but today I managed to drink around 4-5 pints of water (and a couple of them had orange squash in ☺️). I didn’t feel as feverish today but I did briefly that night. I was mostly very scared because the doom the media has been churning out had kept convincing me I was going to be put in hospital or that I was going to die.

Thursday 19/03/2020

Today was bad but for a different reason. After 5 hours of sleep I was rudely awoken by my own body. I was cramping. Hard. My period had arrived and wasn’t going easy on me. I managed to go and clean myself up and get back in bed. Unfortunately one of the symptoms I get with my period is that I get bad hot flashes. I burn up. So on top of my fever, it was hard to tell if it was my fever or my period causing me to toast marshmallows. And I couldn’t even have a hot water bottle to combat the cramps without completely overheating myself. I pushed through and it got better as the day went on. My shortness of breath felt a little easier but my sore throat had returned. Win some lose some. I finished L.A.Noire properly this time. And oh. My. God. I cried. I cried hard. The ending was so... unexpected and FUCKING SAD???? I have so many thoughts and feelings and although I’m really upset with the ending, it did make me love the game even more on a deeper level. I wasn’t in the mood for another game after that and ended up spending the entire rest of the day watching 2 Broke Girls on Amazon Prime. I’m actually really enjoying it. The writing is a little off and after a while it gets very repetitive. Caroline whines about how far she’s fallen and Max says vagina. There that’s the whole show. Fr though I am enjoying it. It’s a good distraction. B went out today, we know he wasn’t supposed to but we desperately needed some groceries that our online shop couldn’t get us. He was cautious, covered his mouth and tried not to touch ANYTHING he didn’t have to or wasn’t going to purchase to keep chance of spreading whatever I have to the absolute minimal. He also got me a present to cheer me up AND as an early birthday present. It was a Yachemon plush from Overwatch, I laughed so hard when I saw it my shortness of breath got worse. Oops.

Friday 20/03/2020

Today was the best day by far. I felt so much like myself, I barely felt hot at all, my shortness of breath was practically non existent and I actually felt a lot more human, however, I do have a lot Of phlegm in my throat and have had to cough and clear it a few times, still wouldn’t say I had a cough though. I’m a little wary of the people that have said it gets worse before it gets better so am keeping to the bed for a few days longer just in case. I feel so much like myself and was even able to get up briefly without feeling like I was going to pass out! It’s a step in the right direction at least! I was still mourning the L.A.Noire ending and was feeling incredibly lonely again (a common theme, I complained of loneliness to B a thousand times even though we both know he should only really come and see me if he HAS to). But he came down to hang out with me briefly to help me pick a few games to buy from the Xbox store. We picked some that were on sale, the first 5 chapters of Life Is Strange and Mafia II. I decided to start with Life Is Strange and I’m sadly really unimpressed with it. I’m not a massive fan of games where your choices effect certain things because they make me anxious I will choose the bad endings! I’m a little disappointed that it’s a supernatural storyline, I was hoping for something a little more realistic but it doesn’t ruin the game. I love the art style and voice acting, it’s a beautiful game with a promising storyline (even if it’s not specifically my cup of tea). I think the chapters were a little short considering how much they are at original price separately but I guess I’m just lucky I caught it on sale. I’m not itching to play more but I will anyway, I just hope it gets a little better :/.

We’re all caught up. I’ll try and write a diary entry every evening. It will mostly focus on reviewing the entertainment I have and describing my symptoms and just what I get up to. I’m writing for myself and people reading it is just an extra. It’d be nice to have something to talk at like a diary for a while. Even if it’s not talking back I appreciate the social effects it’s having on me.

Anyways. I’ll post today’s diary entry either tonight or tomorrow morning. Until then we take it easy. ✌🏻

[surveysonfleek]

415.

1. First of all, what do you prefer to be called? d.

2. What is your favorite form of creative expression? art. i love art galleries/museums.

3. How do you like your coffee OR if you don’t like it, why?: i hardly drink coffee coz it gives me jitters and stomach aches. i do love an iced coffee though.

4. What is the least desirable thing, in your opinion, to put on a pizza that you have heard of people actually eating?: tbh i’ve never had anchovies on a pizza. i wouldn’t mind trying it though.

5. Would you rather witness the beginning or the end of the universe?: beginning.

6. Describe your favourite pair of socks:  those invisible socks, doesn’t matter what colour since they can’t be seen.

7. What is the current or last song you are listening/listened to, and does it have any special significance to you?:  nah i just love the song.

8. Do you prefer rainbows or stars?: stars.

9. Describe the best day of your life NOT in terms of events, but in terms of your feelings: hmmm just being in love i guess.

10. Would you rather go to a planetarium or an aquarium?: aquarium.

11. Do you know the reason that 11:11 is considered to be auspicious?: no idea.

12. What decorations are hanging on your walls?: none in this room, just a corkboard pinned with random photos, ticket stubs etc.

13. What is your favourite planet in our solar system?: earth.

14. How do you express love?: being affectionate, doing nice things for them etc.

15. Do you consider yourself to be more spiritual or scientific?: in between tbh.

16. If you had a lava lamp, what color would you want it to be?: purple or pink.

17. Would you rather be able to revisit your past to simply re-experience a positive moment or revisit your past in order to change things and risk the consequences?: re-experience. i don’t wna change anything in case that changes things in the future.

18. Have you ever had a past-life regression or memory?: no.

19. What is your favourite holiday and why?: christmas. gifts, family and food + end of year.

20. Are you better with remembering dates or names?: ummm neither. faces i guess. with dates i’ll remember months and not actual dates lol.

21. What was your favourite book that you had to read for a class?: to kill a mockingbird.

22. What is your favourite number and why is it significant to you?: 7. it’s my boyfriend and i’s anniversary date.

23. Would you rather explore space or the ocean?:  neither haha. i’m a bit scared of the unknown.

24. What prompted you to call the last person you called?: i forgot who i called last.

25. Star Trek or Star Wars?: neither.

26. Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter?: harry potter.

27. What is your favourite band and why?: i don’t have one.

28. What colour best resonates with your best friend(s)?: yellow? idk lol.

29. Where do you work and why do you work there?: at the casino. i only work there coz it pays well, i hate it.

30. Have you ever gone to a public karaoke facility, and what did you sing?:  yep. it wasn’t really public, it was a karaoke bar with private rooms. i sang whatever.

31. What animal do you feel most connected with?: none haha.

32. Have you ever had “special brownies” or any other kind of “special” treat?: nope.

33. What book are you reading at the moment?: sometimes i lie.

34. What is the funniest thing that you have done at a fast food restaurant? umm at pizza hut the soft serve ice cream machine didn’t stop when i got my own ice cream lol. i was still a kid.

35. Do you enjoy listening to music that is sung in another language?: sometimes.

36. Quote the last movie you watched: idk lol.

37. Do you know more than just your sun sign (like your ascending sign or moon sign etc.)?: i have noooo idea.

38. Do you have any jewelery on you that holds significance, and if so, what is it and why is it significant?: my bracelet i guess. my boyfriend bought it for me after our eurotrip.

39. What is your favorite kind of cheesecake?: nutella.

40. Why did you last feel warm and fuzzy inside?: i was spending time with my boyfriend.

41. What band that no longer performs together do you wish would have a reunion tour?:  idk tbh.

42. What band that IS still together do you wish would perform in your area?: boyz ii men.

43. Have you ever been in a band, and what role did you play in it?: no.

44. What has been the single most frightening experience of your life?: idk tbh.

45. Who is/was your favourite Spice Girl?: posh.

46. Do you prefer free verse or poetry set in a form?: neither.

47. In a hotel, would you choose to go in the hot tub, the sauna, the workout room, or the pool?: pool.

48. Imagine that you are exploring space. Who would you want with you and what would you want to explore, assuming you are not limited in any way?: my boyfriend i guess. cool date lol.

49. Have you ever astral projected?: no.

50. What is your favourite song by the group t.A.T.u?: none.

51. Describe what you envision as “paradise”:  being in an all inclusive resort in a tropical place with my own private pool.

52. What element do you feel most connected to?: idk.

53. What is a cause that you feel very strongly about and why?: a lot. equality tbh.

54. What was your favourite class from the last year that you were in school?: omg no idea. i already forgot what subjects we did lmao.

55. What is a topic that you study independently for your own interest?: none.

56. Describe what you would want to wear if you were getting married, handfasted, or having some kind of “love celebration” or “commitment” ceremony between yourself and another? no idea. i’d need to plan this out properly.

57. What song do you want played at your funeral?: yesterday - leona lewis.

58. Would you rather alphabetize or put things in order according to numbers?: numbers.

59. What medication do you dislike the most?: anything with side effects.

60. Would you rather write a story or a poem?: story.

61. Do you believe in non-physical entities, and if so have you ever communicated with one?: no.

62. What invention or discovery do you think that the scientific community should focus on?: cure for cancer.

63. If you could go anywhere, where would you go and why?:  the bahamas.

64. What skill do people often compliment you on?: my photography or desserts.

65. What are three facets of your personality or thinking patterns that you want to improve?: my laziness, motivation and being too comfortable.

66. What is your favourite symbol?: heart.

67. Name an unusual shortcut or file that’s on your desktop: idk lol.

68. What do you smell like right now?: nail polis, just did my nails.

69. You get to have a theme party of your choice, just for fun. What theme do you choose?: hmm 90s? lol.

70. Have you ever been in the depths of a cave?: yes i have.

71. How do you deal with the dark side of yourself?: think before i speak.

72. Name something that you can’t help but save: restaurant business cards.

73. What is your addiction?: smoking.

74. If you could wish something for three people, but not for yourself, who would the wishes be for and what would they be?: happiness for my entire family, success for my boyfriend and friends.

75. Would you rather send a message in a bottle or on a balloon?: balloon.

76. What did you dream last night?: i forgot.

77. What is one of your most frequent daydreams?: vacationing.

78. What is your favourite stuffed animal?: i don’t have one.

79. If you could have a conversation with any well-known figure of the past or present, who would it be and what would you want to talk about?: no idea. i’d have to make a list lol.

80. If you could bring anyone back to life, who would it be?: any of my grandparents.

81. Are you affectionate?: yes. 82. Name one thing that each of your best friends is really good at: my boyfriend is hilarious.

83. What are you a perfectionist with?: washing my car lmao.

84. Could you see yourself being able to carry on a long distance relationship?: tbh probably not. it would depend if it were temporary.

85. If you could be anything but human, including anything mythical, what would you be?: a fairy. or genie.

86. Have you ever meditated? If so, what is your method, and if not, what do you do to relax?: i nap to relax lol.

87. What is something about yourself that you feel no one else understands?: idk. 

[itsjayyyy]

November 24, 2018 6:57 pm

Well, I think this is the first time that I’ve written some big plan in a journal and actually followed through with it. So yeah, I did do a lot of apartment hunting. I first tried my college’s (and the local art college’s shared) sublease facebook page for students. And it was hell, I mean someone would post about a room for rent for $700 and within 15 minutes, 4 people would have already said “I pm’d you!” Like damn. There’s no way I’d be able to find a place in my budget that isn’t gone already. I was about to lose hope and just look at my college’s affiliated apartments and hope for next academic year, but then I found a page, on my college’s website, that allows you to post a sublease for others. And this website was hidden so well, I’ve never seen it in my entire year of apartment hunting. A lot of them were in my budget (less than 600), and one stood out in particular, it said “my girlfriend and i are looking for a roommate for our 2/2 apt, etc etc” but then at the end it said “must be lgbt friendly because we are very much lesbians” and i was like sign me the fuck up. I messaged them on a wednesday, thursday rolled around and no reply (i was like, they have an android, maybe they just don’t check their phones as much as iphones do), but then it was friday and I gave up. I went back to the listings, messaged another couple in a 2/2, but on saturday still hadn’t gotten a response. Sunday I became a little more frantic. I messaged a third listing, waited ten (10) minutes before deciding that they also were unavailable, and messaged 3 more all at once. and then i laid on my bed and lamented about how I would never be able to move out. And then I got a reply from one of them!!! she said it was still available, roommates are two other sophomore girls at ucf, it’s unfurnished, etc. I was pretty down to take it but then, about 30 mins later, another person replied. And suddenly I remembered why, when I used Tinder, I only messaged one person at a time. The second person to answer me was in the same complex, but $100/mo cheaper. It’s like, I already got pretty far in talking to the other girl, I felt like even if it were cheaper I couldn’t go back on it. So I hit up rose and asked if she wanted to smoke. Her me and peter looked at the places online, and they both said go with the cheaper one, but another issue was how they texted. The first girl was pretty warm, using exclamation points and emojis, but the other girl was just “yes, it’s still available. when are you looking to move?” like such a cold vibe. (yes I know it’s stupid because 100 is 100 and I wouldn’t even be moving in with her, I’d be taking her room but still.) Even though both of them said go with the cheaper place, I felt that I should go with the other.

But then the next day in bio, I was asking for more details and I felt like she did seem kind of cold, like saying “ask the leasing office” and not really offering a time for me to see the place. So I texted the other girl saying I wanted to move in around early december and she became super enthusiastic. Like she sent me a good 20 pictures of the place, and even said I could come over that day to look at the place (this was last monday). I did, around 5:30 (well I came at 5:15, then left to go to the boba shop next door, then came back). She was waiting for me in the parking lot bc I got super lost (I forgot that the numbers outside of the building is the ADDRESS. I didn’t look at the listing’s address I just read the name of the complex and went there. oops.) She seemed to be south asian, like from there but have been living in america for at least a few years, she said she’s moving out because she just got married, etc. The apartment had a style that I would probably describe as oatmeal- light brown carpets, cream walls, very bland, very 2000′s low-income apartment. But hey! I love it! It’s got its own bathroom, walk-in closet, and a huge window facing the back of the property so when I want to smoke I’m gucci. (off topic: I haven’t listened to cherry bomb by nct since feb 5th. wow. That was prob around the time when ami showed it to me in chem in spring.) I told her that I would apply for the sublease the next day, and I did. Despite not having any classes or any reason to go to the east side.

They said that they check 3 things: a credit score of at least 650 (i have a 695), 3x the rent in income (rent is 535, I have 700 from work and 1000 in scholarships per month), and rental history (yeet). They said if you don’t have one of the requirements you can make up for it with either a guarantor, “like a parent cosigning” (YEET) or a larger security deposit. The girl subleasing the place said she was fine with giving up her security deposit, like she didn’t even want me to pay her for it, so I’m going to see if I can add another 300 onto it so they might let me sign. They told me they’d let me know likely on Monday or Tuesday. Also on Tuesday I’ll be going to a meeting for the pride association with a friendsgiving theme, since obvs not every gay kid can go home to a loving family. Maybe I’ll find someone there. Recently I’ve just been becoming so damn bitter about being single, ugh. Like, not bitter enough to identify as an incel, but like, bitter enough to spend all of my time self-loathing.

So I haven’t been able to tell if things have gotten better or worse between me and rose, or if it’s just my period coming up that is making me act like this. In one of the low points of self-loathing (I’m still single, I have no friends, rose is the golden child in the family while I’m hated, rose’s stupid boyfriend comes over for dinner 6 days a week when I could NEVER be afforded that luxury, I’m ugly, etc), I was isolating myself in my room, scrolling down the homepage of reddit, when I saw a post on r/lgbt that was cross-posted from r/gaming or something similar. It said “in the new pokemon games, professor oak doesn’t ask if you’re a girl or a boy, he just says “what do you look like” with different options. Before I could be like “yea fuck the gender binary” i had to be like “there are new pokemon games????” And I looked it up and there were. But it was on the switch, not the 3ds. I messaged rose about it, but she was off on her 6-month anniversary with peter so she wasn’t super interested (she did say “oh don’t buy it” bc it was 350). Let me tell you, when you feel like nobody loves you, the one sure source of love is a credit card with a $2,500 line. I got out of bed, got dressed, and went to target and bought a switch, with the new game. And I played it all night. It was better than any other pokemon game, because it was a revamp of the original game, and I grew up playing pokemon leafgreen, the first revamp of the original. I was reliving my childhood. Of course, when I posted it on my story, rose messaged me, saying “did you seriously buy it?” Like yes, I seriously bought it, because my parents never bought me anything other than the legal bare minimum as a kid, because unlike rose, I have disposable income and aren’t burdened with creditors, because I want something fun to occupy the time so I don’t spend every waking minute wanting to kill myself. Is that so bad, that I spent $350 on something that gave me more happiness than anyone else ever would?

Another thing that pissed me off: after I said yea I bought it, her first reaction was “are there two player games?” when I said it’s mine, I bought it, she said “what if I bought one too?” Why can’t I ever have something to myself? She has her own life, her own personality, her own friends, but whenever I have something, she HAS to have it too, or at least put her hands all over it. I buy a video game? She has to play it too. I listen to a new band? She has to listen to them too. I say I’m queer? She cheats on her (now ex) boyfriend with a girl to experiment and say she’s 1% bi (and then promptly never touches a girl again. and doesn’t come to pride. and doesn’t participate at all in anything related to the lgbt community.) It never ends, she yanks every interest out of my hand, parades it around, before tossing it back to me, all crumpled up and gross.

Two days after I bought it, I had begun to stabilize. Was my mood improving because of pokemon, or because I’m getting closer to my period and my hormones are balancing out? The world may never know. 

My mom finally enrolled in healthcare. One day, I told rose that I wanted to go hang with peter, and she said “after dinner.” I was like, I literally want to avoid dinner because of our parents, that’s the point of us hanging out, they don’t love me. And she, being the centrist she is, gave her whole “yes they do love you, at least mom” spiel, at which point I brought up that neither of us have healthcare. From when I was 12 all the way to adulthood, everyone in my family knew that I needed braces, not just for cosmetic reasons but medical too. And every time I asked my parents, they’d say they would be getting around to it soon. Which is the exact same rhetoric I heard about my healthcare, now as an adult. But I knew that mom had already enrolled dad in his healthcare, so why are rose and I still left in the dark? After saying this, rose spent the next week twisting mom’s arm, and since everyone loves rose, she got around to it. It’s gonna be 134 per month, but I’m paying for it via scholarship in january. I still haven’t told my parents I plan on moving out, I probably won’t until I get approved for sure. Just gotta wait for Monday/Tuesday/whenever.

So, I’m being stalked. (okay i feel like this update is jumping all over the place, but I’m just trying to go from one complete topic to another, not chonologically bc then I’d miss something.) One day I was walking from the library to visual arts, when I saw out of my periphery walking towards me was what looked like savon. We didn’t make eye contact, and right then peter replied to our game of cup pong so I looked down at my phone as I responded with my move. As I walked past him, I heard him mumbling something to himself (something he often did if he wanted to get my attention without making it look like he was trying to get my attention). I felt like I wanted to die, just being within a 10 foot radius of him. 

And it got worse. The next time I had to go to that class (maybe monday? idk), I didn’t see him on the sidewalk, but as I walked into the building through one door I saw him going out the other door, as in the one next to me. He was wearing sunglasses (indoors?) and carrying one of those first-year engineering student boxes, and looking in my direction. I was looking at the door, of course. It doesn’t take a detective to figure out his m.o.- stand around the entrance of the building (that he saw me go in at 2:25 pm on a mwf day), where the windows are tinted, so he would be able to see me going in but I wouldn’t be able to see him inside. After class I hid in the bathroom for 45 minutes, because I was so afraid that he was waiting outside of the building or something. UGH. why do I have to live in fear on my own damn campus. Luckily, I only have one more class meeting in that room for this semester, and I’m probably gonna come a whole lot earlier, and from the other entrance. What scares me is that I posted my schedule on snap, and spriley saw it. I mean, it was at an angle and kind of blurry (caption was more important, just me bitching about how I’m gonna be on campus from 7am to 7pm). And I don’t think that spriley would take the time to watch my 6-second story a million times to copy down the classrooms and times. He just outright doesn’t like me, nothing like savon’s weird obsession with me, a girl he knew in high school but otherwise hasn’t spoken to in almost 2 years. I’m calling it now, if anyone shoots up ucf, it’s gonna be savon.

So let’s lighten the subject a little: we’re almost to the end of the semster!!!! It’s this week, then finals week, then that’s it. And as a matter of fact, this week is the online exam for sociology, and the roundtable discussion for composition (and the video I’m gonna knock out real quick, so I’ll be done soon.) My last three exams are all going to be done on Wednesday and Thursday of finals week. So Monday and Tuesday I don’t have any classes, so those are the days that I’m looking at moving out on. It’s lit.

Last week I posted on my snap how someone parked a limebike in a motorcycle parking spot, and heather messaged me saying “girl where have you been.” I mean, she made no attempt to contact me for the last month, but whatever we’re living our own lives. I told her I was focusing on school and stuff, and she said we should meet up. I was like yea sure, but the next day she didn’t show lol. She later said she was taking an exam and it was way longer than she expected, but we never made plans to meet up again. I guess that’s just the way most high school friendships go.

Okay I think I’m gonna end the update here, I’ve covered almost everything important. Tomorrow, Sunday, I work at cinnabon closing 2-9. I’m gonna grind to finish this econ homework tonight, then monday I’m gonna start rehearsing my presentation for comp or whatever. Start studying for finals, maybe take my final in sociology, ya know, just play it by ear.

(wow it’s 8:46 now. this update almost took 2 hours.)