#the anxiety and tension eating away at him makes him slip more on his ideal persona causing the “struggle to fit the role”

[itty-bitty-sunshine]

THAT'S SO COOL I LOVE THAT YOU COLOR CODED IT

And i think you were spot on with the characters too!!

Guys whats one song you associate my au

I'm bored, lets make a playlist

[attack-on-kiwi]

Are you still doing the fluff alphabet? If so, would you be willing to do it for Bertl? I'm not sure if you write for him, it's okay if you don't.

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Bertholdt is indifferent to what the two do. Most activities that his s/o points out are okay in his book, though he isn’t a fan of anything that forces him to stand out too much. As long as he’s spending time with them or watching out for them, he’s happy to do anything. That said, he does have a particular fondness for hiking or fishing. Both activities are peaceful and let the two enjoy mild physical activity while basking in one another’s company. There’s no stress to speak as they can just focus on their tasks at hand. 

Cuddling is nice once he’s over his nervous disposition. If his s/o doesn’t mind his clammy hands and overwhelming warmth, he likes to have them secured in his arms, playing with their fingers for countless moments. Perhaps the stilling of time is why he is drawn to such an innocent passtime.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Bertholdt is drawn in by their smile. He doesn’t deserve such kindness- definitely not from someone as beautiful and admirable as themselves.It’s no stretch to say that Bertholdt’s idea of his s/o is quite inflated by how he imagines them to be an all superior and perfect individual. He’s too overcome by feelings of insecurity and stress that he’s latched onto their kindness. That smile draws him in and promises a moment of respite in this unnerving hell of an existence he bears. 

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He tries to ground them. He will not take any unnecessary touching in the case that they do not respond well. He’ll instead look to calm them by speaking in a level tone and guiding them through their episodes. He hates seeing them upset or panicking, and he would rather not set them off even more. Bertholdt will assess the situation as best he can, but don’t expect a passionate embrace or overly comforting words. He will just remind them that they are here and he is here. The two can sort out the issue if need be and go from there. If the situation calls for it or if his s/o approaches him for physical comfort, he has no problem embracing them for several minutes, quietly letting them seek whatever it is that is going to help them come down.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Bertholdt is too nervous and aware of his fate to give much thought to a future with his s/o. Ideally, he would like to have weekend breakfast with them and his father before taking a light stroll to a park that’s filled with happy children. He wants to take them out for sweets and to walk fearlessly hand in hand. Nothing too extraordinary. A secure life where they can live comfortably with their loved ones and enjoy their mundane lives would be ideal.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Bertholdt isn’t entirely submissive, but he does prefer his s/o to take charge. He’s a bit of a pleaser when it comes to the relationship, so he’s willing to do most things his s/o wants. 

However he does have limits to his patience and if he wants something done, he’s not afraid to mention it. He’s not a shy and nervous wreck all the time, after all. If his s/o and he have been together for a while, he is much more comfortable speaking out and suggesting they try something new. It takes a lot of patience from his s/o, and most of his demands are too subtle to even give a second thought.

If Bertholdt feels like something is not going how it should, he’s quite skilled in putting a stop to it.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Getting Bertholdt angry is hard enough in the first place. His s/o either put their life in extreme danger or crossed a boundary with hi,. Bertholdt will not stand for it and will have to take time for himself. During this period of tension, he’s prone to guilt tripping and manipulating his s/o into feeling awful about the fight. Whether they played a large role or not, Berhtoldt feels the need to really emphasize that they can’t be hurting him because all he does is to ensure the two can be happy.

He doesn’t mean to be so erratic when he’s angry, but he rarely experiences anger, and being hurt by someone he finally let in scares him to no end. It’s no excuse for his irrational (at times) behavior, but it’s important for the two to have patience with one another.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Once he gets past the initial guilt of being in a relationship when he’s got the mission he has, he does feel something akin to gratefulness. If anything, he just feels immense selfishness for getting involved with someone. His mind is constantly in overdrive and is unable to rest for a moment enough to really see just what his s/o puts up with for him.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

His entire identity is a secret. Regardless of whether his s/o is from Marley or Paradis, he keeps his true self under wraps. Bertholdt is conditioned first and foremost to put his own freedom and wishes first. That means that his mission comes first, and unless he has known his s/o for years or feels extremely strong about them, he will never share anything remotely incriminating. Even if he does feel comfortable enough to share, information will be scarce and seemingly irrelevant to the bigger picture. He can’t help this tendency. He has had to be careful of every word that comes out of his mouth as it could mean life or death, and he’s not willing to risk more than necessary as he feels he’s already pushing it too far.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

The fact that he was even open to having an s/o shows that they’ve brought down the many walls (lol) he’s put up around his heart. Bertholdt’s defense mechanism is to hide and to put up a front, so when someone is able to give him enough confidence that he’s willing to love them even remotely, they can say they’ve impacted him in a way most others never have. 

Bertholdt is someone who will usually partake in activities if asked, so there’s not much on the path of trying new things, but trying them with his s/o definitely feels more fulfilling to him. Even if it’s just an evening hike or going to a market when allowed, Bertholdt feels more vulnerable. His s/o is usually unaware of this until he is caught smiling at them shyly, a glimmer of his true feelings dancing across his expression. 

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Yes and no. 

Bertholdt will get jealous if someone is getting too friendly and touchy with his s/o, but it takes a lot for him to step in. In fact, it’s the rarest sight to catch him towering above someone, using a steel glare and his notable height to intimidate whoever is making heart eyes and assorted moves at his s/o. 

Though he is prone to jealousy due to fear of his s/o leaving him or finding out they don’t want to be with him, he is still most likely not going to step in. Bertholdt has resigned himself to the idea that he is not worthy of a long term partner and to always be prepared in the event that his s/o will leave him. When in private, he might try to guilt his s/o by saying they made him feel jealous because of how close that person was getting to them, but most times he will just hide in their neck and huff when prodded with questions.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Bertholdt never kisses anyone long enough for there to be a cohesive report on the topic. His kisses range from split second pecks to softer slightly dragged out kisses. There’s never anything fancy going on. 

He likes it when his s/o has to work to get to his lips, be it they are too short or too tall to comfortably reach him. He thinks it’s endearing that they would want to kiss him even tho it can be an inconvenience to get to his lips. 

Kiss his neck and he will pass out from the blood running to his cheeks. Oh, yeah. He’s a huge blusher when it comes to kisses.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

It’s likely Bertholdt never utters the words until his last moments. He doesn’t have the luxury of expressing his true feelings. Whether or now his s/o is by him during those moments, their face flashes in his mind and while he’s wailing for someone to help him, he’ll think to himself, “I didn’t even say it! I didn’t even get to say it!” And then you guys know how the rest goes.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Bertholdt wants to get married. The idea of sharing his life with someone who is his better half warms his heart. If he were to propose, he’d like to do it on an evening where he and his s/o have just had dinner and are floating on a little boat through the waterways. He’d have a whole speech planned out, but the anxiety of asking would eat away at him and he rushes into the stuttering question. When his s/o says yes, he’d be too terrified of picking up the ring since he’s sweating so much, so he’d ask them to take no offense and put the ring on himself. He doesn’t want it to slip and fall into the water.

Marriage with Bertholdt is traditional. He’d like his s/o to live a carefree and comfortable life, so he’d prefer to be the one working while they stayed home or took part in whatever they aspired to. He could see his s/o opening up a bakery. They would have two pets, a dog and a cat, or maybe just two dogs that roam around bringing comfort and joy to their early morning patrons.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

He sticks with calling them their name or a short variation of it.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

When you strip away the nervousness he is inevitably feeling, Bertholdt is as sweet as one would think plus some more. He has a difficult time verbalizing just how he’s feeling, so he takes to making sure his s/o doesn’t need to deal with more than they have to.

This means Bertholdt will pick up chores or errands they haven’t had time to do or he’ll patch up their clothes. He makes sure that they don’t come back to more work. If they need to be held, he’s there for them. All they have to do is initiate it- that’s all he asks. He’s good at comforting them. He’s warm and large enough to fully embrace most people. He never feels like he’s doing enough or if he’s doing what he should be, but he means well.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Most people will never know Bertholdt and his s/o are an item unless his s/o is upfront. He’s not going to actively hold their hand or kiss them in front of anyone, but he won’t push them away if they want to cling to his arm. Having Reiner as a friend helps- the guy is more than happy to tell people to piss off when they try flirting with you or Bertholdt and if Bertholdt is okay with it, he’ll even tell others so they are in the know. 

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He’s smart and picks up on cooking easily. If his s/o wants a certain food, it only takes him a few moments of studying a recipe to get it correctly. The food always turns out delicious- better than the recipe itself, some would say. He uses this to his advantage when his s/o is particularly upset with him. It’s hard for him to really put into words how sorry he is, so he hopes the food is a good segway into the conversation.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He tries to be a classic romantic, but it’s hard when you have a whole can of worms eating the back of your mind at all times. 

Bertholdt likes bringing them flowers when he can, and if that’s impossible, he will try to get his hands on some dried/pressed ones and see if he can encase them in resin and accessorize the items. He likes giving them gifts that last long, so they have a small collection of trinkets from him. 

He is always there to lend them an ear. Even though he can’t talk much about his own problems, he is more than happy to help them sort out their feelings. Even if he could speak to them about his problems, he would rather focus on them. In a relationship, he’s overwhelmingly giving so long as his s/o stays by him no matter what it takes. 

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

If he has any reservations, he will let them be known, but once he is convinced his s/o is not just saying something but willing to see it through, they have his whole support. He will be willing to go through great length to help them succeed. 

However, if their aspirations interfere with his own goals, he will try to subtly sabotage them or try to convince them to focus on something else. This will cause a huge rift in the relationship

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Bertholdt is content as everything is. He’s fine with having an s/o and living the same day with them. It’s peaceful when it can be, and he’d rather not risk all of that for something that may not be worth it. If his s/o wants to try something out, he will follow along but will step in if he feels they might get hurt or get the two of them in danger. 

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Bertholdt knows his partner inside and out. The way he knows every detail about them is pretty relative to how little they know about him. As a way to make up for not being completely honest with them, he does his best to get to know them and everything about them so that he can accommodate them reasonably. He doesn’t feel too bad about this either. He’s more comfortable giving, so he enjoys seeing his s/o light up when he remembers a tiny detail about them. 

Though Bertholdt is knowledgeable about his partner, he is not the poster boy for empathy. Most of their concerns feel minor compared to the larger pictures, so he has a difficult time finding the mental capacity to even care. This surfaces in how he will tell them to be logical or offer them more realistic advice on their concerns.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship is not the most important thing to him. Though it is true that he values his partner immensely, he is sadly anchored to the fact that his mission comes first and that his selfish desires of wanting solace for his loved ones will have to be but a byproduct of a successful mission. No matter what, his life and his future are going to be most impacted by said mission, so once everything is dealt with, he will prioritize everyone else. 

That being said, just because his mission comes first does not mean that Bertholdt is immune to slip ups regarding his personal life. There are times when the stress and fear of losing his s/o will push him to do something ill advised so that he can secure their safety. If they ended up dying as a result of his mission and actions, he’d never recover.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

If his s/o starts complimenting him between their sweet little kisses, then Bertholdt will begin blushing and trying to escape. He doesn’t straight up run away, but he’ll cover his face with his hands as his cheeks heat up. If they ask him what he’s doing or coo to him he’ll try to choke out a flustered “I’m fine” while clearly not being fine. His s/o has the power to make him weak in the knees and must learn to utilize said power to the fullest.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Bertholdt isn’t going to initiate any form of intimacy, but once his s/o has him in their arms, he’s actually a cuddle bug. His favorite is to quietly hug them and rest his face in their neck. Sometimes he’ll kiss them wherever he can. The feeling of their hands dragging over his back and their nails scratching his scalp helps him forget that the world is terrifying just for a moment. If he falls asleep on them, it’s said that he can go the whole night without fumbling or kicking anyone.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He’s good at putting those thoughts in the back of his mind. He doesn’t really give into missing them as often as he could, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss them. When he has a chance to breather, he’ll offhandedly wonder if they miss him too. 

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Unless he’s decided they are important enough for him, he won’t go out of his way to put his life on the line or anything. As I’ve previously mentioned, Bertholdt’s way of prioritizing his relationship is by prioritizing his mission.

[project-ohagi]

Tetsuro Kuroo x Reader {Haikyuu!!}

Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm, Depression/Anxiety, Bullying and Suicide.

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The sands of change trickled gradually down the hourglass, casting a abhorrent self-reflection. Yours was certainly not an appearance to be desired - of this you had been warned. The voice of rationality and perseverance thundered away, claiming that such false, trivial nonsense should progress unheeded. However, the years of abusive conditioning pierced these thoughts with a million scorching needles. What if everything was true, and it had been all along? The words which drowned out your confidence: fat, ugly, worthless, hopeless, pig, freak...what if a deeper meaning aligned them to your soul?

A single, fleeting observation was all he required, to understand the very thrust of your agony. It didn't cease there, though; he couldn't allow it. Being in a college preparation class, competition was rife, and you always managed to rival his grades. But...recently, you had been slipping, falling between the cracks, into a fathomless void. He noticed, and for many days, he brooded. This was a complete character-shift, and his peers worried. They actually cared for him, unlike you. That was when it clicked in his mind, and those gorgeous ambers, shimmering with concern, began to latch on to your movements (significantly slowed, he realised), your speech (lowered, nervous, as if you were deliberately attempting to avoid something), and even the dark bags which had manifested underneath your eyes. Life once shone so radiantly within, but now they seemed lifeless and cold. It was obvious how little time you reserved for sleep, and an unease started to contort his stomach.

The occasion on which he had first approached you was nothing short of awkward. Standing opposite you, a few sheets of paper in hand, he endeavoured to explain his intentions. The previous day, heavy sighing and innumerable yawns had alerted him to your loss of concentration. It seemed like you desperately wanted to cling to every word rolling off the teacher's tongue, but a barrier had been erected, preventing any information from filtering in. He couldn't bear imagining all the trouble you could attract, so he had prepared a set of notes for you. It was a simple gesture, yet it meant everything to you. How could someone, especially the most handsome, most intelligent boy in the entire school, waste their precious time on a lowlife such as yourself?

The revelation that someone was watching, someone did care, punched you square in the face. This was Kuroo Tetsuro, for gods' sake! The light, crimson hue plastering his cheeks served to further highlight his beauty, and remind you of your unmistakable contrast. Such manliness, such sex appeal...such kindness. No - you couldn't get attached! Your fingers brushed ever-so-slightly, as you retrieved the papers, and your eyes widened. No - you couldn't overthink this! It was just a friendly gesture...there wasn't a hope in Hel of him ever returning your romantic interest. Still, the feline grin playing at his lips forced your heart to beat twice as fast.

When the pace at which you walked decreased, he noticed. When the weight grappled your stomach, trying to expand, expand, he noticed. There was nothing wrong with your body - he assumed you to be ideal, in fact. However, something about your eating habits had definitely changed, for a difference to be so conspicuous. It wormed into his mind, eating away like a parasite. Would an interrogation be appropriate, or would he seem to be prying too deeply? After all, so much of you was still shrouded in mystery. If he could corner a mutual friend, maybe? But...who? Surely you must have followed someone around! Although, after gliding like a stalker just a few paces behind, he realised that you didn't occupy a group; you walked alone, sat alone, ate alone.

In the solitude, you sobbed for bygone days, begged for a new beginning. Something, anything, just so you didn't have to feel so alone, so worthless! But...this never unveiled before those dulling ambers. Some days, rising from bed was a painful nightmare, and you simply couldn't face the world. Kuroo wasn't privy to the true extent of your emotions, your anguish, but he knew that you couldn't afford to miss classes. He created notes for you, writing as neatly, and with as much affection as he could possibly muster. His love was ink, bleeding on to the page, yet you could never absorb it.

And often, he would doodle, absentmindedly, in the corners of the pages. Hearts and squiggly-lines were abundant, but sometimes, more profound markings would accompany them. He hadn't intended to preach - he just wanted to understand your pain, your suffering...all that you embodied. You discovered a quotation, crafted with the most genuine compassion, which your tears threatened to sully.

Please let me take you out of the darkness and into the light. 'Cause I have faith in you, that you're gonna make it through another night. Stop thinkin' about the easy way out, there's no need to go and blow the candle out.

That night, while the song resonated in your ears, you wondered if the boy was psychic. Indeed, thoughts of self-slaughter were a constant in your mind, although they were typically subtext. Lately, due to the jeers of your bullies, coupled with the stress of school and your mounting anxieties, you were dancing a dangerous border. Straddled by mental illness, with which you fought a waning battle, you desired nothing more than the sweet, searing kiss of a blade. His heartfelt message hadn't bestowed the strength to ward off the demons consumed by malice, but it was a sure step forwards. Somebody was wishing your pain away - somebody strong, somebody capable. If your fractured mind would permit another day, another week, another month...maybe then you could sing his praises.

Except...it wouldn't.

This depressive reality chipped away at your already-fragile mentality, etching your final words on to a single page. Soon, the embers of life would be extinguished, and an elusive serenity could penetrate your heart. It was nothing to cry over, nothing to fear. But then...why were you crying? Why were you fearful? As Kuroo's blindingly-handsome face entered your mind, the tears began to cascade. He wouldn't miss you, would he? You barely ever talked...he had never called your name...you had even failed to disclose your deepest affections.

All this, however, was during a fleeting lifetime. On this page, your love-riddled words would be immortalised. He would finally realise the truth, and the extent, of your feelings. Nothing could tear you from this; something should be left behind...some last trace of you. He deserved it. He deserved a detailed explanation, a tender goodbye, a sorrowful apology. You couldn't shake the guilt welling up inside, as the bottle drew closer, closer, closer.

One pill, three pills, six pills...

Messy, ebony hair and glowing, amber eyes. Eternal slumber encased you within its soft cocoon. Peace had absolved you, at long last. You would dwell no more on things as trivial as life.

Pictures of a once-grotesque girl were passed around online the following day, but Kuroo hadn't noticed. The view of your empty seat impressed a heavy feeling on his heart, and yet he couldn't comprehend why. It wasn't until a classmate, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, skipped by, presenting him with an envelope, that the frightening contortions gained clarity. Apparently, she had found it nestled in the crack of your locker, and had only read the name engraved upon it, before hurtling towards the classroom. Her spirits were sky-high, which served to alleviate a fraction of his tension. This girl had a slight connection to you, after all, so surely her cheerfulness must have been a positive sign?

The sick-inducing twists of his stomach did not cease, however. Droplets of both blood and tears littered the paper - how had he never recognised those lashes on your arms? They were less prominent in revealing places, so they merely resembled cat scratches. And...despite everything, he thought they were, up until the very end. Or perhaps, he simply wanted to believe that. As his eyes ghosted over your tear-blotted words, something inside his core snapped. He broke. He hurt. He cried. He prayed and he wished, for your happiness, and for the sweet nothings he could have whispered in your ears. There had been so many words dying to leap from his tongue. There was so little time in life. But...if you could have stayed, just for one more day...

...I guess those wishes were useless now.

[foxofthedesert]

Arrow FF | DinahSiren | Dears

Blame this on me recently discovering a certain singer from Kazahkstan who abso-fucking-lutely blew me away.  Like, seriously.  I wanted to stop singing forever when I heard him for the first time.  And then I just wanted more and more and more.  He is...transcendent.  And I love him.  And if you are a fan of singing in general, do yourself a favor and dive down the rabbit hole that is Dimash Kudaibergen videos on YouTube.  You can thank me later.

Now, onto the DinahSiren goodness....

Lower back aching from a long day hunched over her desk, Dinah trudges up the hallway toward her apartment upon leaden feet.  

With quarterly reports due in less than three days, she spent the better part of eight hours slaving over them to prevent disaster.  She cannot afford to turn them in late.  To make matters worse, she had spent the previous four hours attending to one crisis after another at the precinct, including a potentially explosive personnel issue that required direct intervention.  Slogging through mounds of paperwork after such an exciting morning made for a tedious, boring, aggravating, seemingly endless afternoon.  

Sadly she really didn’t have any other choice but to grit her way through it.  Can’t give the Brass any more reason to ride her ass over relatively inconsequential issues just because they don’t approve of her affiliation with certain independent policing elements that dared skip out on earning their badges through the soul-crushing mill that is the Star City Police Academy.  So while dotting every I and crossing every T to appease her imperious, condescending, intolerant overlords is not her ideal of efficient law enforcement, she put her nose to the grinder like the good soldier the Marine Corps so methodically produced and got the damn job done.  Or at least enough so that she could cut in time to at least spend five minutes with her fiancee before flopping face first into bed.

It was nearly a quarter past ten when Dinah finally peeled out of the parking lot.  Irritation warred with anticipation as she pushed the pristine, all matching numbers, 427 cubic inch motor on her precious baby girl – a glossy black ‘68 Stingray Coupe Laurel helped her finance as an engagement present – as hard as she could while maintaining safe control.  As it tends to, the gorgeous purr of the engine in fourth gear soothes away some of her frustration.  Some being the operative word since she can’t help but dwell on what she will have to forgo due to the late hour.  A nice, relaxing evening binging Killjoys with her other half would have been far preferable to the scant half hour of snuggling on the couch they would be afforded between Dinah needing to eat something, take a shower, and then decompress from the stress of the day with a bit of meditation.  But...any time with Laurel is better than nothing, so she pressed the gas pedal down a little harder and resolved to make the best of her circumstances just like her Nana taught her.  

Back in the present, thoughts of Laurel cause a crooked smile to slowly light up Dinah’s weary features.  Talk about a wonderful handful of seductive danger, bossy attitude, and limitless passion wrapped in a lithe frame and alluringly decorated with shimmering green eyes and irresistible dimples.  There isn’t much Dinah doesn’t love about the whole package that is Laurel Lance, which goes a long way toward explaining why she puts up with so much trouble and sass on a daily basis.  Sure, she doesn’t take any shit without standing up for herself, but she has never been under any illusion as to who wears the pants in their relationship.  Which is perfectly fine with her. For Laurel, she is happy to slip on the daisy dukes, so to speak.    

Several of their friends think it’s hilarious, and a bit confusing, that she can be such an assertive hardass at work then immediately turn into an enormous gooey marshmallow the second she gets home.  To be honest, Dinah would be a bit confused as well at the diametric shift in her attitude between her public and private personas if she could be bothered to care.  Ten years ago she probably would never have allowed herself to be so soft for any romantic partner, let alone someone as abrasive as Laurel can be, but ten years ago she was a different person altogether.  Instead of hardening her heart, the many losses she has suffered in the interim have taught her to appreciate the fragility of life and to never take for granted how precious love is.  

If there is one thing in her life she is absolutely sure of, it is that she loves Laurel Lance with all that she is and all that she has. And that she can say with equal confidence that sentiment is fully reciprocated only strengthens her resolve to not give a damn what anyone else thinks about the peculiar dynamics of their relationship. So what if she is teasingly referred to as a bottom for the rest of her life?  If that means she’s still with Laurel when she’s old and gray, she’ll wear that label with pride.  External opinions are irrelevant when no one has ever made her feel as safe and happy and fulfilled – and perpetually challenged – as Laurel has and does.        

Ready to melt into strong arms that never fail to soothe away the troubles of a long day, Dinah makes fast work both of fetching her keys from the outer pocket of her suit jacket and unlocking the door.  Once inside the apartment she has shared with Laurel for almost three years now, she tosses the keys in the little ceramic bowl kept on top of a coat wrack just inside for that exact purpose.  Upon surveying the living room, she expects to find Laurel on the couch reading a book while nursing a glass of red wine or watching MMA or British Soap Operas.  Her brows furrow in disappointment upon finding the living room conspicuously vacant.  A cursory glance around the rest of the apartment reveals their bedroom door is open, lights off inside, with a soft blue light flickering in the darkness indicating the room is occupied.  

Worry blossoms unbidden in the back of Dinah’s mind.  Why hadn’t Laurel waited up on her as she normally would?  And why was she sequestered in their bedroom with the lights off doing God knows what?  All sorts of scenarios to explain the oddities fill the void of uncertainty. Is she sick?  Did something bad happen today?  Is she in one of her depressive spells?  Unable to curtail her anxiety, especially over the last possibility, Dinah hastily toes her heels off, removes her jacket and belt, then loosens her tie enough that she can easily slip it over her head without having to retie it.  Freed of those restrictive items, she untucks her button up shirt and deposits the jacket, belt, and tie on the back of the couch on her way to the bedroom.  She’ll tidy up in the morning.  Right now, checking on Laurel is her number one priority.

Arriving at the door, Dinah pauses, bracing for the worst.  Muffled, hiccuping sobs from within send her heart plummeting directly into her boots. Few things in this world are capable of making Laurel Lance cry, most of which are not good at all.  

Oh, God.  Something is actually wrong.      

Rather than burst in and risk scaring and further upsetting Laurel, she first peeks around the door frame only to be surprised, and immensely relieved, to find her worries were completely unfounded.  Instead of being curled up in a ball under the covers and an oppressive cloud of sadness, Laurel is propped against the headboard in her pajamas with her MacBook resting upon a pillow in her lap.  Dinah can tell from the reflection in her black-framed glasses that she is watching a video that is evidently the cause of her currently overflowing emotions.  Annoyingly, Laurel is wearing headphones or else Dinah might be able to ascertain the root of Laurel’s abnormal weepiness.

It is to the backdrop of Laurel sniffling around a plaintive almost mewling cry that she finally steps into the bedroom.  Bloodshot green eyes dart in her direction that tell the tale of a woman whose heart has not been touched by anguish but by something beautiful, something magical, something angelic.  Or rather someone.

Realization dawns on Dinah within seconds and she heaves a dramatic sigh.  

“Are you watching Dimash videos again?” she asks, unable to hide the hint of humor in her voice.  

Ever since Laurel discovered the astounding Kazahk singer, she has been spiraling down a rabbit hole of obsession that is predominantly adorable.  She even joined the official fan club!  And bought them tickets to a concert in LA next three months from now.  Hell, she even ordered a Dears coffee mug and an “I Heart Dimash” t-shirt that she wears in public! Often!  

Frankly Dinah would have been worried about the fanaticism if Laurel wasn’t singing around the house more than she ever has, the sound of which fills Dinah with indescribable joy.  Or if she wasn’t halfway on the bandwagon herself.  Popera is not her cup of tea, but hot damn that kid can sing.  And his stage presence…?  Jesus.  Simply unreal.  

Eyes still streaming tears, hand covering her mouth to contain the cutest little squeaks, Laurel can only nod in response to the question.  The sight of her so affected by the purity and passion behind the music melts away any remaining tension from Dinah’s frame.  

Needing to be close to Laurel, she pushes away from the door and pads in the direction of their bed.  After making her way over, she perches on the side close enough to easily reach Laurel.  

“Babe,” she says, reaching out to brush the tears from Laurel’s damp, flushed cheeks.  “I know you love him.  But why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

“I can’t help it.  Just look at him, Dinah,” Laurel replies, pointing animatedly at the screen.  Dropping her hand between them, Dinah follows a slender finger to the screen where Dimash, resplendent in a sharp tuxedo, is totally owning the stage and the crowd like he was born for it.  She recognizes the performance instantly as one of her personal favorites.  “He’s an angel.  An actual fucking real life angel come down to earth.  And then he opens his mouth and the literal sounds of heaven come out.  I just...I just can’t….”  

In her peripheral vision, Dinah catches the moment Dimash explodes into a segment where he belts with all the gusto and passion of Pavarotti. Almost immediately Laurel dissolves into another round of overwhelmed tears.

Dinah chuckles, slightly amused and entirely besotted.  To offer some comfort she knows will be appreciated, she slides further up on the bed and arranges herself so that Laurel can tuck into her side.  

“C’mere,” she says, patting her lap to give an invitation that is not refused. After pausing the video, Laurel scoots over until she is halfway in Dinah’s lap, reclining against her chest, head resting against Dinah’s shoulder.  Once she is all settled in and both of them are comfy, Dinah nabs one of the earbuds from Laurel’s ear and sticks it into hers before looping an arm around her trembling fiancee.  She pulls Laurel tight against her for good measure and then presses a kiss into her hair.

“Now then.  We can watch the rest together.  And maybe a few more after if that’s alright with you?”  A dimpled smile is her reward.

“More than okay.  Love you,” Laurel says, then tilts her head to press a sweet kiss to Dinah’s lips before returning her attention to the MacBook and Dimash.

A press of a button later, rich baritone crooning in Russian tickles Dinah’s ears.  Her eyes slide shut involuntarily as the melody washes over her and the otherworldly tone of Dimash’s singing transports her into a realm of pure aural bliss.  All too soon she becomes lost in a haze of profound musical magnificence that reminds her there is beauty in the world worth appreciating, worth savoring, worth sharing with the person she loves above all else.  So that’s precisely what she does.

And what do you know.  By the time the song is over, Dinah is crying, too.  

[marginalgloss]

r&R

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh has had fine reviews everywhere I’ve looked. I found it hard to fault. It’s funny, bleak, and strangely elusive. It is in some ways an uncomplicated realist novel, but in its dedication to cold, calculated bouts of absurdity, it slips away from straightforward analysis. It has the feeling of an extended joke — like a very long episode of a sitcom based around a very dark idea, which only briefly permits the reader to glimpse into the depth in between bouts of audience laughter.

At the start of the story it is 2000, and our narrator is about to settle down for a year of heavy rest. She is quite clear about her intentions. She wants to spend the best part of her days asleep (often for about fifteen or sixteen hours) because that is where she is most comfortable. This is not a suicide attempt: initially it seems more like a gentle parody of current rhetoric around the rituals of ‘self-care’. 

She will still eat, sleep, and perform the usual human ablutions; the rest of her waking hours will be dedicated to watching movies on her VCR. In this, she will be aided by her eccentric therapist, who is only too happy to provide her with a vast array of antidepressants in between bouts of quackery. Money is not a problem either — the book is keen to explain that the narrator lives in a central New York apartment without a concern for rent, and her parents have left her a substantial inheritance to pay the bills. (Her parents are, incidentally, both dead.)  

It was, I suppose, the right time for me to be reading this kind of thing. I don’t find this time of year especially easy for a variety of reasons; a few weeks ago I came down with a minor eye complaint, and the treatment for that has my vision partly blurred by dilating steroid drops. Not being often ill, this has left me feeling out of sorts, like a perpetual convalescent stuck between getting better and getting worse. There is a strange tension between wanting to be an idle person and knowing I am not really capable of it. When my alarm goes off in the mornings for work I propel myself out of bed whether I want to go or not. The motivator is less dedication than it is anxiety; fear of lateness, failure, and various kinds of redundancy. And when I’m not at work, my chosen pastimes are ideal for the kind of person who wants to pretend they are switching off when in fact they are simply shifting their brain into a different gearing for a different kind of work. All this is to say that the idea of a year of R&R, aided by a serious arsenal of chemical downers, starts to seem pretty appealing at this time of year. 

For many pages, it’s unclear why the narrator is actually doing this. A reader might associate staying in bed all day and stunning oneself with a vast array of drugs with words like: depression, failure, anxiety, grief — at one end illness, at the other end melancholy. But the narrator is very careful and deliberate in the way she expresses herself. ‘Depression’ doesn’t really come into it: there is nothing so banal, so obvious, as a declaration of feeling bad. Perhaps the feeling of badness has ceased to be overwhelming and it is now only whelming. It is the thing in which she is submerged, and it is so very much all around her that she has ceased to think of it as worth talking about. Instead she would rather go to sleep. 

Things, however, don’t go entirely to plan. Despite her best efforts she is rarely alone: her best friend Reva has a habit of appearing at unexpected moments, with a considerable amount of emotional baggage in tow. And the cocktail of drugs she is taking leaves her with gaps in her memory. Sometimes she finds evidence of having gone out and come home while believing herself to be ‘asleep’; she stumbles on IM chat logs on her computer that she doesn’t recall having; she finds bags of expensive clothing piled up in her apartment, all bought while she was unconscious. A different book might have used this as the prompt for a mystery story about what the narrator’s other self gets up to when her real self is asleep, but here, much of this is allowed to be inconsequential. 

Again, this feels like a very deliberate contradiction to similar stories about a ‘shut-in’ personality. While reading this I thought often of Money by Martin Amis, which was another novel chiefly concerned with scenes of shocking excess; that book used the same conceit of missing memories, which became the trigger for a descent into Hitchcock-esque paranoia. There’s also The Enormous Space, a short story by J. G. Ballard where the main character chooses to lock himself inside his suburban home as a sort of life experiment; boredom and desperation drive his thoughts relentlessly inward until the dimensions of his surroundings appear to change out of all rational proportion, and a kind of madness takes hold. 

Moshfegh’s novel does none of this: the narrator’s drug-induced nocturnal excursions are simply permitted to occur. They are not permitted to be mysterious. This is a book which is not at all surprised by the idea that many of us (perhaps all of us) have lives which exist in the dark side of our waking lives; it would not be right to call them unconscious thoughts, since they become all too real in the execution; they happen, and ought to be seen as another side to ourselves, and not like the sinister shadow to our ego. 

 A few words about the setting. It is the early 00s; the internet is there, but is of peripheral importance. DVDs are starting to become a thing, but the fact that the narrator actively spurns them in favour of VHS tapes seems important. There’s something about the act of going and getting the tapes that is a thing for her: it is one of the few active motivations she has for leaving her apartment. But those tapes also dealt with time in a different way to DVDs. Each one was like a complete wedge of duration unto itself; you could fast-forward and rewind, but it was clumsy and difficult; they were designed to be consumed from start to finish, in one sitting. DVDs contained multitudes of scenes, angles, options; tapes were somehow so much more one thing. 

There’s something worth saying about the kinds of movies the narrator spends her hours watching. These are very much ‘movies’, not ‘films’. Their names must be familiar even if you’ve never seen them. They come from a certain stable of middlebrow, middle-of-the-road, late 80s and early 90s repertoire; today you might see them today in the early afternoon or late at night, on a TV channel in a foreign hotel. They’re chosen not because they are great, but because they are fine. They have a passable quality. Broadly, they’re anaesthetic, and antiseptic: they only allow as much feeling is as required, and for their duration they suppress unhappiness as long as the attention is held. Whoopi Goldberg is the particular object of the narrator’s affections, for complicated reasons which seem to have something to do with her inimitable charisma. Whoopi is so utterly unmistakeable, never less than absolutely herself; always involved in the world around her, always a pleasure to be around. She is the complete opposite to the narrator.

The book’s treatment of movies made me think of the film Brigsby Bear, which the main character is imprisoned by his family in a bunker entirely isolated from the rest of society, with his only experience of popular culture being a TV show filmed, directed and voiced by his father. In the same way, this novel paints a picture of a person who is the prisoner in part of a certain kind of entertainment. But that film ended with the protagonist making the entertainment his own, and in doing so finding his place in a larger community. My Year of Rest and Relaxation offers nothing so consoling. The narrator of Moshfegh’s novel actually does something similar — she offers herself up to an artist, and allows him to enter her apartment while she sleeps to make herself into a kind of art project. It’s a bizarrely specific kind of gesture: a conscious surrendering of one’s own unconscious. It’s uncomfortable: consensual, but with limited understanding of the outcome. Does anything come of it? It’s unclear. It feels more like an inversion of the idea that creativity can be a route out of depression: what if, instead, I had someone do the creating for me, while I slept? What would that feel like? 

The expectation with a book like this is for the whole thing to move towards a conclusion where the narrator comes to understand the error of her ways. She will dump the drugs, lose the crackpot shrink, and perhaps come to achieve a degree of what some people call ‘closure’. None of this is what happens here. The most we can say is that over time she realises some things about her relationship with her parents, and she comes to regard the people around her with a little less active contempt (especially Reva). Is she a better, more capable human being? Possibly not. But it would be hard to argue that there wasn’t some benefit in all that time spent out of mind. 

[mensbodybuildingtips]

Anxiety.. A Bodybuilders Story and 10 Steps On How To Overcome It

Anxiety. A Bodybuilders Story and also 10 Steps On The best ways to Overcome It

Author: Anthony Catanzaro

Throughout my life I have actually knowledgeable times of Stress and anxiety where it would influence me both emotionally as well as physically.

I never truly comprehended much about it up until eventually it occurred to me that individuals that endure from anxiety are no less compared to anyone else in fact I think individuals who experience anxiousness are several of the most owned, many caring, most intelligent people on the planet even if of the simple fact that there thinkers not stinkers, there normally individuals that have a great deal in the heads and are driven to achieve many things unlike individuals who are relaxeded and view the lawn expand people that deal with anxiousness are generally individuals that do the planting.

In this write-up I will share several of my experiences with you as well as exactly how I got over a number of the obstacle's that much of you encounter daily. Never ever are afraid the Superman of Physical fitness is here!

Here are 10 steps on exactly how to understand as well as conquer your anxiety!

Step 1: Face your fear

The worst point you can do in life is run away from your issues and be a prisoner to be afraid. I've found out in life the only means to get over worry is to face it straight on.

Fear is like a bully that is only as strong as you are weak, to puts it simply if you back down the bully gets more powerful, but if you encounter the bully he ends up being weak. No issue what your dealing with right now understand that by being afraid the issue you are just offering that problem extra stamina. Kill the fear eliminate the issue!

Step 2: Just do it

Throughout life we postponed so numerous points. We wait for the appropriate time to do something or we wait for the correct time to be satisfied, we wait for the ideal occasion to just learn that we waiting as long that we missed out on the boat. There are so numerous things in life to accomplish we cannot just expect to achieve them without doing it, so do not put anything off in life just do it!

Step 3: Don't hear the negative thoughts

Every day we will have thoughts that enter into our head that state were too old, not old enough, not smart enough, not gifted, not excellent looking, not as solid and also healthy. Do not listen to these thoughts as they are just that, ideas! If you listen as well as believe these thoughts you will certainly quickly find on your own scared to do anything.

Instead believe favorable ideas that you are perfection, that you are enjoyed and talented as well as beautiful, you will quickly locate yourself living at your complete potential.

Step 4: Little steps will still get you there

Don' t focus on the destination emphasis on the little steps it takes to arrive. This holds true for many things. I despise when people come near me and also say hi there tony the length of time does it consider me to resemble you, or the length of time does it take for me to obtain a 6 pack, when individuals ask me how much time it will take I inform them neglect it, you don't have the patience that's why you're asking me just how lengthy it will take.

The ideal question would certainly have been exactly what do I do to look like you? You see these people just check out the destination they don't intend to place the time and effort in the simply wish to arrive. Concentrate on little steps each day and also you will soon be where you wish to be.

Step 5: Your Anxiousness is your finest friend

I always thought there was something incorrect with me. I always stated to myself well my father was a nervous man so I have his genes unfortunately, then it occurred to me I'm not such a bad guy, I've completed even more compared to 100 guys created. Then I said it's ok to be that I am and also I could make it benefit me and not versus me. I currently consider my Stress and anxiety as my buddy, I take a look at it as a device to maintain me sharp to keep me an action in advance to keep me self-displined as well as a device to maintain me hungry.

Look at it in this manner, if you care that means you have a heart and also it is very important to you, now ask on your own this concern, would certainly it be better not to care? To not believe things was essential? Many people that experience Stress and anxiety are terrific caring delicate people, I understand currently I would never desire to change myself as well as I rejoice I'm like my dad.

Step 6: The Natural way

I have actually been claiming this for years and I will certainly continuously say it for the rest of my life and that is the All-natural method is the only way. Do not search for medications to treat any signs and symptoms what so ever before due to the fact that if you do not deal with the origin create you will certainly always have the symptoms. Consuming the ideal foods and working out is the best medication of all.

People today are being poisoned each day with medicines as well as they don't also recognize it, and it's not only the prescription drugs it's the over-the-counter medications that are equally as hazardous, even the coffee, cigarettes as well as that large glass of wine you have every evening before bed that wakes you up in the center of the evening and also destroys your rest. Keep in mind buddies it's the bad habits that injure us not the great habits.

Step 7: You were a warrior in the past

I think I was a king in my previous life, I have visions of seeing myself as a leader and also I think this is all do to my Anxiety, I'm the kind of individual that does not view over his shoulder I'm the type of individual that monitors both shoulders, my back, front and also side. If you were to slip up on me you would fail.

So do not think your constant performance or uneasiness is a trouble check out it as a blessing.

Step 8: You're very focused

Most of the time I'm very aware of just what I desire to do and what I intend to complete. When I educate I'm very concentrated on the pump and the muscle mass I'm training when I eat I'm really concentrated on what foods I need at that very moment.

I'm very self-efficient and I don't lose time by permitting time to pass me by. This occurs with people each day they get caught up in discussion or gossip and lose their time talking for hrs a day regarding pointless things.

I prefer to be doing exactly what I desire in life as opposed to discussing it.

Step 9: The Pill box

My good friend Jeff provided me this concept some time ago over dinner someday. I had told him that I had a lot on my mind and so numerous things to do that I had not been obtaining any of it achieved due to the fact that I couldn't concentrate. He then told me about this concept he had concerning a pill box, you know just how a tablet box has these little different compartments to put your tablets in for each and every day, as well as how these compartments avoid Tuesday's tablets from combining with Mondays or Wednesday's pills.

Well this is an excellent concept that educated me ways to do one thing at a time and also to focus all my interest on just what needed to be done today as well as the tomorrow was a separate area. These was great for me as a lot of us put also much on our backs just to understand this will certainly enable us to walk.

Step 10: "Battle or Flight"- "Tend and also Buddy"

Men and also female have various responses to Anxiety.

Men have what they call "Battle or Flight" and females have exactly what they call "Tend and Buddy" that's why when males like to be alone or possibly wreck something when there having difficulty and also females seek to call a friend or just look after their youngsters when there having problem. This is the body's natural way of managing stress.

This is completely regular as well as healthy the only trouble is society tells us to relax down when all we want to do is punch something or kick something or for a woman maybe you wish to go out a good cry with your good friend mommy or sister.

I have actually discovered that when I'm stressed out the most effective thing for me is to release that anger with workout and a punching bag. I don't assume there's anything wrong with being upset it's a normal healthy and balanced feedback to tension and also God placed it there for a factor so do not think there's something incorrect with you or as society would certainly claim you have temper concerns which you require to seek help.

Look at it in this manner if you were back in the caveman days you would certainly be the leader and never ever be hungry because you would certainly have killed all the killers and also had enough food for you as well as your family while the other person going to anger monitoring would certainly have gotten eaten.

Understand that Stress and anxiety could be a wonderful thing so don't allow any person tell you that you have a problem it's a flawlessly normal emotion that you could make benefit you rather than functioning versus you.

Until the following time All the best and God Bless

Anthony Catanzaro the Superman of Fitness!