#the ONLY version of Huaisang being a dad I can accept

[lilnasxvevo]

My favorite dumbass headcanon is that all the apparently unmarried sect leaders post-timeskip actually ARE married and it just doesn’t come up. Nie Huaisang has like 3 kids it’s just not relevant to the story

[smiting-finger]

HP AU Headcanons

I just noticed that I’ve hit 500 followers ( ?! omg you guys!! (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄), so I cleaned up and expanded on some of my HP AU headcanons from the AO3 comments section.

Things that happen before fic #1

During the War, Wei Wuxian has at least ten different balls in the air, trying to keep the innocent Wen children (+elderly) from Jin Guangshan, including:

The Stygian Tiger Seal,

Becoming an Animagus (which no one knows about, and tbh he was hoping for something more combat-useful than a bunny, but hey, at least he’s not a dog),

Inferi (so many dead bodies lying around, and their ex-inhabitants aren’t using them, so he may as well--)

ANIMAL Inferi (because a bitch cannot be picky when a bitch has no army), but he mostly abandons the idea after the first few battles because if you’re looking to enchant things to work as an army, it’s easier to enchant 1000 of the same shape of thing than to enchant 3 each of 257 different things with different shapes, sizes and capabilities

Booby-trapping the fuck out of Yiling with:

Various blood arrays (ranging from magical versions of “surprise!-now-you’re-in-a-net-hanging-out-of-a-tree” and “surprise!-you’ve-fallen-into-a-hidden-hole” to “surprise!-now-your-head-is-gone”)

A man-eating tomb inspired by Nie Huaisang’s ancestral tomb, possibly made possible by an ancestral blade that Wei Wuxian pilfered “borrowed” from said ancestral tomb,

A magical oubliette - key to the storyline! 

He was intending to stash the Stygian Tiger Seal in here to stop Jin Guangshan getting at it, because Jin Guangshan would either:

Fail to get in

Get in but fail to get out

Wei Wuxian either stocks the oubliette with necessities-for-life, or leaves enough loopholes in the spellwork so that anyone trapped in there would be able to access necessities-for-life (despite not being able to magic themselves out) because: 1) What if someone accidentally falls in, and 2) Although he’d be okay with Jin Guangshan dying, in the ideal outcome of his grand plan, they need him alive for Wizengamot trials, etc.

The plan is perfect, except that Jin Guangshan catches him in the act of stashing the seal, and in the ensuing struggle, Wei Wuxian gets himself (and the seal, thankfully) trapped.

(So he gives himself a pat on the back for making the oubliette liveable - “Thanks, past-me.”)

During the ten years, Wei Wuxian works on the magical equivalent of digging a hole out of a stone prison with a single spoon (slowly working on loosening various parts of his containment spells or trying to find a way to send a message to the outside world via his food-and-air loopholes), and also works on some other hobby projects in his spare time because the going is slow. To his credit, he’s actually almost got it by the time Nie Huaisang stumbles on his notes and gets him out.

In the meantime, Jin Guangshan has died, and Jin Guangyao has taken over his father’s:

position as Minister of Magic;

search for the Stygian Tiger seal.

Either because he’s looking for the Stygian Tiger seal, or because he’s noticed Nie Huaisang skirting a little too close to the truth behind his brother’s death and is following him, he stumbles upon Nie Huaisang freeing Wei Wuxian.

[Insert duelling]

Wei Wuxian gets wounded by a curse, turns into a rabbit when Jin Guangyao isn’t looking, flees into the forest and ends up at Gusu.

He never plans to try to cross the ward perimeter, but then he gets noticed by the dog...

Things that happen during fic #1

Once in Gusu, Wei Wuxian’s plan is to recover from the curse and then go back to have it out with Jin Guangyao.

His initial reason for not doing a “surprise!” reveal to Lan Wangji is that he’s not actually clear on what LWJ’s opinion of him as Yiling Patriarch is - i.e. what if it gets him turned in to the Ministry, the tender mercies of Jin Guangyao and a Wizengamot that’s Jin-controlled and/or already decided that Wei Wuxian is guilty?

(Lan Wangji blames himself for this: “a boy who would not accept his help because Lan Zhan failed to clearly tell him what he was offering.”)

His reasons for still not doing a “surprise!” reveal to Lan Wangji after 1) spending time with him, 2) spending time with the WWX-shaped hole in his life and 3) finally Getting It are that:

He also Gets that everyone and their dog (lul) already Get That, too

Jin Guangyao knows Wei Wuxian is at large, which therefore makes Lan Wangji suspect numero uno on the list of People Who Would Hide Wei Wuxian

(Wei Wuxian is proven 100% in the right regarding this when Jin Guangyao comes knocking for control over the Academy and Lan Wangji acts in precisely the way he does)

If Wei Wuxian is caught, he can at least keep Lan Wangji safe if Veritaserum shows that he actually knew nothing

He does, however, secretly change back at least twice to:

Talk to Lan Wangji while he’s asleep;

Break out of Lan Wangji’s rooms to go roaming around the school.

As soon as Wei Wuxian is recovered, he goes off to fight Jin Guangyao on his turf (before Jin Guangyao can come back to Gusu and try again). 

Unfortunately, this coincides precisely with Jin Guangyao coming back to Gusu and trying again - they out-manoeuvre each other and each ends up at the other’s base.

Wei Wuxian is the first one to realise what’s happened and rushes back.

Being unconscious, Lan Wangji misses out on:

Nie Huaisang bringing out his vast stores of proof in re: the Jin machinations behind his brother’s death (and incidentally, his discovery of Wei Wuxian)

Jin Guangyao being bound and arrested by non-corrupt Aurors in front of Lan Xichen, the previously-Imperius-ed Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang, the retrieved-from-hiding teachers/students/Lan elders

Wei Wuxian taking advantage of this audience to be like “Now all of Gusu knows you’re evil!”

Wei Wuxian being proven to therefore be not (that) evil after all.

Especially given that the larger part of the jury is now from the generation who had their youth consumed by/were greatly changed by the War, and who mostly agree that the Jins shitting on the innocent Wens was kind of gross anyway (as represented by Lan Xichen).

Things that happen after fic #1

Wei Wuxian falls into teaching because:

During his ten years of being trapped, he invented some really neat magical things

Nothing better to do

Don’t want to leave Lan Wangji just yet (or: lol just try prying yourself out of the deathgrip Lan Wangji is using to metaphorically clutch you to his manly chest, I dare you)

Or rather, he hangs around because of the above, and then Lan Wangji helps him to demo something in class, and he’s like “Sure!”. And then Lan Xichen sees this and is like “hey can you help me demo something too”, and he’s like “Sure!” and -

(And then after this goes on a while, Lan Qiren is like “IF YOU’RE GONNA HANG AROUND AND EAT OUR FOOD YOU MAY AS WELL EARN YOUR KEEP” and also “WE MAY AS WELL PUT YOU ON PAYROLL TO AVOID EMPLOYMENT LAW VIOLATIONS AND ALSO FOR TAX PURPOSES”.)

Wei Wuxian totally enters his first class as a rabbit, and sits on the desk, nodding to each student as they come in. And then when everyone’s present, he stands on his hind legs like he’s going to teach as a rabbit, too, just to see what the students will do.

(If Jin Ling is in that class, the answer is: riot)

Lan Wangji is the kind of Professor who’s consistently a hard-arse because:

He wants to push you, as a student, to reach your full potential; and

He wants you, as a student, to have clear/consistent expectations to work and grow within.

On the other hand, Wei Wuxian is the kind of Professor who’s like “Everything is lalala” during term, and then suddenly the exam is diabolical, made up of 70% lateral-thinking/problem-solving and only 30% of things you actually studied because “That’s real life, kids.”

Now that Lan Wangji knows he’s the rabbit, Wei Wuxian uses his powers to do really dumbshit things like

Perve on Lan Wangji in the shower (Lan Wangji looks down, sees a little black nose under the cubicle door and is like “...”)

Perve on Lan Wangji while he’s changing in their room (Lan Wangji pulls off his shirt, sees a little black nose peeking out from under the bed, is like “...” and drops the shirt straight onto the rabbit’s head)

Upskirt Lan Wangji through his robes (Lan Xichen sees a little black shape running behind his brother in the halls, constantly darting forward to peek under the hem of his flowing robe and is like “...”)

Other things

When Lan Sizhui is five or six or something, he enters a stage of ultimate Lan-Wangji-hero-worship, where he dresses like his dad and follows him around, doing everything he does. So:

Lan Wangji sweeps down the school hallway, one arm in front and one arm behind (in true Chinese Gentleman Style), and a tiny Lan Sizhui follows behind, running slightly to keep up but also holding the same arm in front and the same arm behind.

Lan Wangji stops to look up at the moon, Lan Sizhui also stops to look up at the moon. Lan Wangji nods at students/his brother/a fellow teacher/his uncle, and tiny Lan Sizhui does the same, all the while darting little upwards glances at Lan Wangji to make sure he’s doing it right.

The students/Lan Xichen/teachers/Lan Qiren think this is adorable (”The Little Professor has graced me with his approval ;A;!”), so no one says anything in case Lan Sizhui gets self-conscious and stops.

And then before he knows it, Lan Sizhui has picked up all the things as habits and welp, this is who he is now.

In re: Wen Ning:

All the years Wei Wuxian is gone, with it being common knowledge that the Wen clan was completely wiped out in the War, Wen Ning thinks he’s alone and mostly wanders the Wizarding world by himself (not daring to go anywhere too populous in case he alarms people, but helping anyone he stumbles across if they’re in need - without being seen, if he can manage it).

Then Wei Wuxian comes back, and with him is Sizhui, and Wen Ning thinks, “Oh, I’m not alone! I have one family member and one friend!”

But actually, all the Gusu students have already adopted him, so he has an entire school of family, he just doesn’t know it yet.

One afternoon the students catch him playing two-man Quidditch with Wei Wuxian as goalie, and are like “!!! Why didn’t we think of that?!” so now Wen Ning plays in all the casual games, and the students fight over who gets to have them on their team.

In re: Mianmian: 

Mianmian spends the years following the War as a wandering cursebreaker, disarming all the nasty magical mines/traps/offensive spells that now litter the country, helping magical folk who don’t have enough skill/expertise to deal with the problems themselves, as well as any hapless muggles who get unwittingly caught.

She probably meets her husband when she saves him from something.

She becomes a teacher after Lan Xichen finds out about her exploits and invites her to come back.

When her muggle husband comes to visit her workplace, he’s like “So this is where you grew up. Wow.” and he’s not even amazed by the magic, it’s that he picked the same day that Jiang Cheng came to visit Jin ling, so a rabbit shoots down the hallway and up Lan Wangji’s robes, a dog goes chasing after it, a shouting purple man goes charging after that (firing spells and yelling for Wei Wuxian to “COME BACK HERE!”), while being half-held back by a ... ghost? and it’s total bedlam.

And Mianmian is just like “Yup.”

[antiquecompass]

Untamed Fest Day Thirty-One

Because Halloween.

Dad’s birthday parties were always an event. Part of it was because, well, Halloween. Part of it was because Papa spoiled Dad most days, but especially around his birthday. And part of it was that nothing made Dad happier than to be surrounded by the people he loved gathered together and having a good time. His dad’s fortieth birthday plus Halloween plus them holding it at their huge mansion that some of his fellow classmates now called ‘the murder house’? 

There was no way it wasn’t going to be an extravaganza.

He’d overheard kids bartering homework, various contraband Lan Academy sweets, and actual money for invitations and while he wanted to explain to them that honestly, they could just stop in for candy and to wish his father a happy birthday, Jingyi actually tackled him to the floor when he tried. 

So it was going to be an interesting night, to say the least.

Especially since half his classmates still thought his house was actually haunted. 

There were still a few hours before the party’s start. Last minute touches were being applied to the decor. The catering company had taken over the kitchen. Family were starting to arrive, taking over the guest bedrooms and bathrooms as they donned their costumes. 

And Dad? Dad was trying to negotiate for just a little more drama. Poor Uncle Cheng had been nominated as he keeper while Papa played host long enough for Dad to finish his costume.

“You’re going to make me explain this one more time, aren’t you,” Uncle Cheng said. He took off his hat and placed it on the table covered with all sorts of make-up pallets, brushes, sponges, and wipes. “You can’t have a fog machine inside because it will possibly damage your very beautiful, very historical home.”

Dad frowned and then yelled when Uncle Xuanyu pinched him. “Stop!”

“Then stop moving and ruining my work,” Uncle Xuanyu said. “Unless you <i>want</i> to look like the White Rabbit after he’s been mauled by the Jabberwock?”

“That could be cool,” Dad said.

“No,” Uncle Cheng said. “The peachicks are here. You promised Yanli you wouldn’t scare them.”

“Or Jingyi,” Sizhui piped up from his place on the couch, waiting for his turn at the make-up station.

Dad had chosen an Alice In Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass theme for his party. He accepted any interpretations and adaptations, as long as they were on theme. If they were off theme, they were forced to stand at the gates all night and do Trick-or-Treater Duty. They gave out full-sized candy bars and all the local kids knew it. Candy duty was an all night affair. 

Dad had picked the White Rabbit for himself, Papa would be the March Hare. Auntie Yanli got the Queen of Hearts, with Uncle Zixuan as the King, and their younger children as the guards. Jin Ling and Zizhen had picked Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Uncles Cheng and Xichen had gone the Syfy Alice route, as Hatter and Alice. Uncle Xuanyu was the Cheshire Cat, with a truly impressive face full of make-up to get that smile. Uncle Huaisang had picked the traditional Alice and Uncle Mingjue the Caterpillar. Jingyi was happy to win the role of the Dormouse by default and Sizhui got the honor of being a more traditional version of the Mad Hatter. 

The grounds had been decorated to look like the Queen of Heart’s garden, including an opportunity for guests to paint the “roses” red. An entire croquet court with flamingo-esque mallets was set up near the old oak tree. There was an outdoor dance floor that resembled a chess board. Tables of various sizes, some normal, some gigantic, some miniature, lined the porch and the hallway and the dining room containing various bottles of drinks and cookies and cakes. Their rarely used formal dining table was decorated to look like a neverending tea party, tea pots of all different designs and mismatched cups and saucers placed on nearly every available surface. The entire main floor of the house and the grounds looked like a different world. 

Uncle Huaisang had truly outdone himself this time. 

Though Uncle Cheng had helped him and Jingyi stuff his parents’ bedroom with garish ‘Over the Hill’ birthday decor. None of them would dare ruin Uncle Huaisang’s hard work and aesthetic, but they couldn’t let this birthday completely pass without some mockery.

Dad shifted and rubbed his left arm. “I still can’t believe you hit me forty times,” he complained to Uncle Cheng.

“Forty-one,” Uncle Cheng corrected. “And you’ll get your revenge next year.”

“I’m going to use a bat.”

“You can certainly try.”

“Okay, you’re done. Get out of my chair,” Uncle Xuanyu said. “Sizhui, come on down.”

Dad looked dignified with his white wig and bunny ears attached to a top hat, in a rich red and black brocade coat, with a large golden pocket watch and chain. His make-up truly made him look rabbit-like, not like a cartoon version, but unsettlingly close to a human-rabbit hybrid, especially with the pinkish-red contacts. Once again Sizhui had to marvel at Uncle Xuanyu’s skill.

Dad smoothed down his coat and looked to Uncle Cheng.

“Fine,” Uncle Cheng said. “You can say it. Hop along and go find your husband, birthday boy.”

Dad grinned. “I’m late. I’m late. I’m late. For a very important date!” He stumbled into Uncle Xichen. “Nice dress,” he said, breaking character. “The blue, of course, suits you, And I’m stealing that jacket.” He then waved. “No time to say, ‘hello!’ ‘Goodbye! I’m late. I’m late! I’m late!” 

“I thought he was only supposed to have decaf today,” Uncle Xichen said as he sat, dusting a speck of dust off his boots.

“He whined to your brother about a headache and needing caffeine, so Lan Zhan went to Starbucks, in full costume, to get him an atrociously large coffee full of sugar and who knows what else,” Uncle Cheng said. “I got him through his make-up session. He’s his husband’s problem now.”

“But what if he goes outside to test those croquet mallets?” Uncle Xichen asked.

“Fuck,” Uncle Cheng said scrambling up and running out of the room.

Sizhui tried to stay still as Uncle Xuanyu did his make-up, he really did.

“Who gave that fucker a trumpet?” Uncle Cheng’s voice spilled into the room as he ran after Dad down one of the garden paths. 

How was Sizhui not supposed to laugh when all Uncle Cheng got in response was the opening notes of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?