#the 'can't you see what you're doing to us' is meant @aphobes and @exclusionists who keep invalidating us so much i have to justify who i AM

[newmainolddead]

oh did i tell you yet?

im so ridiculous

i've had the entire

wait, x is an actual thing people experience and feel and whatnot??? what does it feel like? what. i thought people made that up (/were exaggerating/only felt it if y).

uh, whoops?

fucking thrice

im such an idiot sometimes, first i thought sexual attraction wasn't an actual thing, then i realize, wait a minute, what do you mean only you feel your gender, when i ask, all i get in return is '??? what do you want from me now???', and then i realize i don't actually feel those romantic things people keep talking about either

best part is

a) im sex-repulsed, i just thought i was weird or prude or unnormal or antisocial or anything unnormal that makes people not want to have, no, that makes people loathe what humans are supposed to love

but i thought that was a joke too

b) im dysphoric. i just thought it was part of the above, since it's directed at my reproductive system. but i guess wanting to claw out my entire reproductive system and throw it away and sew the remains of what you can see of it outside shut and feeling that weird weird something concerning all of it isn't all too normal, even considering im repulsed. also, even if i will pretend to be cis, (there are no gender neutral pronouns in german, and 'then make some' doesn't work grammatically, and i don't think i'll change my nickname that can be used for male and female people, wouldn't know any exclusively agender names anyways) for simplicity, i am fairly sure im agender by now (do you see how much i feel the need to justify myself? can't you see what your doing to us?)

c) i want to be in a relationship.

i want it so hard, i just procrastinated figuring out my romantic orientation. i think deep down i knew. it was so similar to finding out im ace, actually, in how i thought 'it's the same towards everyone, maybe it's pan?', but it never quite fitting, the same meaning nothing yet again, all the same as just before i found out i was ace, everything. but i know just as much as i want a relationship, that i do not feel romantic attraction. i just had to know what romantic attraction feels like.

and even if i turn out 'just' a grey aro, maybe demi, i wouldn't know, then that's that.

and all that because people on pinterest commented that i maybe am ace

imagine i hadn't read those comments on pinterest on the 28th of may 2018

i would never have known any of this

i would never have realized im ace, or agender, or aro

none of it

i would still be questioning what the hell i could be

i would still think im just weird for being repulsed

i would still disregard that dysphoria

i would be in a bad fucking place

there is far too little information on anything concerning the aspectrum

there is literally no information unless you are actively looking for it and even then you sometimes don't find enough, or anything sometimes

how long did it take after all to find anything on what romantic attraction feels like, what gender feels like

hell, i knew of aces for so long, but didn't think i'd be one cause noone has ever explained what sexual attraction is to me (until the pinterest comments did)

everyone keeps expecting everyone to know and understand and get what sexual, or romantic attraction, or gender feel like, they never explain it, it's just a given

and those who don't get it are left in the dark, to find the light switch, trying to see what everyone else in illuminated rooms already saw so clearly

and every questioning person finds that light switch at some point

and those who don't get it are left to look for this light switch everyone keeps talking about, and the light switch just doesn't exist for some of us, or maybe we're just blind

and we will never see what is in this dark room we're in

no matter how much you keep talking about the room like we can all see it