#thats it for this topic im watching my blood pressure already

[loving-n0t-heyting]

as a kid i was grossed out when classmates were talking about sex and adults reinforced that this was correct, good people do not talk about sex and especially not children. then instead of the talk they gave me a book which i assumed was a test and i failed if i read it so i loudly refused to read it. then when they did sex ed in school i wanted to not be involved because everything up till now pointed to this being Actually Deleterious And To Be Avoided.

this is the "i cant believe this wife who has been shamed into perpetual abstinence of body/spirit until age 30 did not become a horndog the moment the wedding band went on??" evangelical purity culture thing but for sex ed innit

[foryouthegays]

Nothing goes wrong. [Dream SMP] liveblog

ok im not gonna say anythin abt before 20 mins in bc its p standard but i will say that as SOON as phil messages techno chat spams blood for the blood god and it barely stops the entire time, its incredible 

kills: 00:37:25, 00:37:40, 00:55:20

i LOVE his ‘if theres no other way, I CHOOSE BLOOD’ line at 00:37:00. its just,,,,,it shows his new justice system where he treats others how they treat him even before he makes that speech i love it so much. also he spams potions like how he does in skywars and it makes me happy. honestly a lot of this stream reminds me of skywars like how he went through quackitys stuff and ran nd stuff. maybe ive been watchin too much techno skywars

also durin that first fight, techno only looses half a heart. against FOUR PEOPLE hes too powerful

does techno saying “bs” count as swearing (00:39:40)

techno insultin his kidnappers is the funniest thing to me like hes outnumbered outgeared and he still makes fun of them and theyre still scared of him asdjkfsdalkfj

00:55:00 I HAVE A PICKAXE, AND I’LL PUT IT THROUGH YOUR TEETH i need some fanart of that right now wljdflkasjf also durin that fight techno looses  2.5 hearts at the end. in iron armor. against a diamond axe. using a netherite pickaxe. with a bad fov. why is he like this. 

techno on his horse by the ocean gives me big ‘beating minecraft with tnt falling on me every 10 seconds’ or w/ever vibes. if u havent watched that stream, u should, its great, he has a horse named rocket w diamond horse armor and i love him. 

just realized my head hurt bc i was clenchin my jaws so much. whoops

techno literally has a boat in his inventory when hes like “theres a boat!!!! :D” skdfjlksajf (01:02:20)

the whole raccoon innit thing starts at 01:08:20 btw :)

techno gettin distracted w the skeletons killin each other is so funny to me hfdgksal (a min or so after raccoon innit happens)

01:09:45 tommys scream is so funny to me can someone find how many hearts he looses from that bc i am crying ghfdjksla 

i think techno has the alphabet memorized. not like, the alphabet song, but like he knows what letter are around each letter without going through the alphabet and idk why but it makes me laugh. i think this bc at 01:16:11 tommys like ‘what, f?’ and techno says, not a second later, ‘no. close to that, though.’ and that is NOT enough time to go through nd find f in the alphabet nd then find where e is compared to it. therefore, he is a nerd. also i love him

01:20:00 this is everything to technoblade: Phil, Carl, and then his items. 

im so gay for technos yelling voice. like. hhgnng he

“if we’re being serious, for a millisecond, dickhead,” :LDSFJLKSDJ I LOVE TOMMY 01:22:25

technos ‘join me.’ at 01:23:25 is SO GOOD AHHHHHHHH

vault/welcome home theseus is at 01:27:10 :D i might start calling it theseus’ vault bc that sounds cool to me

ALRIGHT so in the vault techno has 167 skulls on display. thats 56. withers. they r gonna cause SO much chaos i love it. AND thats probably not all of them ahhHHH I LOVE TECHNOBLADE SO MUCH. LMANBURG IS SO SCREWED A;LDKJFALK 

also thats only if i did my math right a;lksdfjaslk

i have decided that the best trio is techno, tommy, and ranboo. they all just jump all over the place with topics and i thin the convo at 01:56:25 shows it p well

Tommy: Technoblade, why havent you face revealed yet? 

techno: I-I have

Tommy: well, answered that quick

ranboo: *laughs* that answers that question

techno: that was resolved really easily!

tommy: why don’t you do it again?

techno:....what would be the point?

ranboo: yeah, what would be the point??

tommy: because then it would be like -stutters- it would be, you know, easy, good video because there’s so many people who dont know what you look like

techno: ehhhh ill find a good moment at some point

tommy: you could face reveal with me, bro!! we could face reveal together!

techno: ahhh finally, we’ll know what tommyinnit looks like 

ranboo: -laughing- thank god! that was one of the unsolved mysteries of the world

techno: unsolved mysteries of minecraft, what does tommyinnit look like 

ranboo: what does tommy actually look like? 

tommy: hey! speakin of unsolved mysteries, lets talk- lets talk psychology. what- what would be- you know, not the worst one you know, but just the worst word?

ranboo: I’m going to- I- if i hear this question one more time i’m going- i dont know what im going to do. i can’t do anything at this point

techno: ....cactus. 

tommy: ????cactus??? 

ranboo: that is a bad word, i cant believe you said that, 

tommy: -unintelligible- it is cacti, my friend, not cactusus 

techno: I’m sorry

ranboo: how could you say that on stream? 

techno: I’m sorry

tommy: it’s not cactusus, technoblade, its cacti

techno: i- i am aware  

ranboo: you- you gotta stop sayin it.

tommy: cacti almost sounds like a terrible, terrible slur right now

techno: please, please stop saying that- please stop sayin that word

tommy: what, cacti?

ranboo: AHHHH cmon, cmon tommy

techno: you cant use that word!

tommy: AYYY IF I SAY IT OFF STREAM I CAN SAY IT ON STREAM

techno: WOAHHHHH WOAH WOAH -laughs-

ranboo: NO THATS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS 

techno: thats just not how this works, tommy!!!

tommy: eyyy man im just me, im just me- OOOH i have a novel to write!

ranboo:....where did that come from??? 

tommy: HOW TO SEX 3 BABEYYYYY 

techno: i thought you were already...done with that? 

god theyre so chaotic i love them so much

also yall are WRONG abt eret soundin like techno. ranboo sounds like techno. not in like, a really big way, but when theyre both monotone they sound similar and i love it. this is great

this is actually the most ive laughed at the smp in so long PLEASE go watch the entire techno ranboo tommy interaction its so funny technos just *long, long sigh* ranboos just ???????? and tommys just !!!!!!!! its amazing im crying 

technos such a dad to these kids oh my god his voice at 02:12:40 was so disappointed just ‘do not do that.’ he sounded like a parent on a trip to disneyland and his kids r like, hanging out the window of the car or smthing adjfaslkfkadsl techno :handshake: phil [being tommys dad] and also ranboo is bullying him its so funny i love it

AHHHHH HIS VOICE AT 02:20:35 I AM IN LOVE YALL HEAR THAT???? YALL HEAR HIM??????? AHHHHHH 

“in the small event that your internet goes off or you get hit by a car,” TOMMY THAT IS NOT A SMALL EVENT WHA T 2:21:30

A;LSKDJFASL RANBOO AND TECHNO HAVE SUCH SIMILAR HUMOR I STG TECHNO LOOKED AT RANBOO WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY ‘enchant?? just a wild guess’ AT 02:23:00 A;DLKJFASLD;JF I LOVE THEM PLEASEEEE KEEP INTERACTING IK I WAS A RANBOO HATER LIKE A WEEK AGO BUT ALSO I WOULD DIE FOR HIM ITS FINE 

this is so fuckin funny this end of stream stuff is gonna be a comfort stream 

“what does the moon make you think about?” “it makes me think about the moon” ALSFJDSKJFDSL 2:32:10

techno makin fun of ranboos defense of bein peer pressured,,,,,,,m’dude that was the reason u killed tubbo how is that ANY different (2:33:50) (yes i know he mentions it but FHGJKSDL)

TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR 2:35:25  HE SAY THE CRAP WORD

[thingstotellthem]

im sorry for the long submission, feel free to ignore it. (also this has all the necessary tws in the tags but I’ll mention it here too - I go into depth about my emotional abuse from my mom, plus a brief mention of ableism, threats of animal abuse, and suicidal thoughts)

my mom likes to pretend we’ve got a great relationship. when she’s in a good mood, she acts all sweet and nice. she’ll talk to me (or rather, at me - I never get a chance to respond) and make coffee and nice breakfasts and sometimes we have “mother-daughter days out”. (im not a girl.)

i hate these interactions. Talking to my mom is like walking on a goddamn minefield surrounded by other people - it’s inevitably going to blow up in your face, and it might not even have been you that set it off. 

she’s got anger problems. she likes to scream and shout at me, my brother, and my dogs over every. little. thing. yesterday, she asked me to go let the dogs outside. after I was done, I went upstairs to tell her i’d done it. I didn’t speak up right away because she was watching TV and I didn’t want to talk over it. but I’d been standing there for less than a couple of seconds before she turned around and started shouting at me for hovering over her. later she tried to justify it as “a panic attack”. A panic attack. caused by me standing next to her for two seconds. in a spot that I, and everyone else in the house, has stood in thousands of times with no issue. that stopped as soon as she got to berate me. 

last week she got mad at my brother for asking a question. I don’t remember what the question was, it was something completely insignificant and normal like “what’s for dinner” or something. And somehow that escalated into her screaming in his face, threatening to stab him to death, throwing things at me and threatening to call the police on me for it, and threatening to throw my cats in a river. she later justified this as my brother raising her blood pressure. 

on saturday I asked her (politely) to change the subject because she was making me uncomfortable. she went on a huge tangent that I was being so rude, and made up stories about how I got out of my way to stop conversations im not even involved in because im such an asshole. I don’t. I tried to stop that one because she was making me uncomfortable and we were in the car so I couldn’t just walk off. I had no way of knowing she’d call that rude, because she’s never shouted at me for that specifically before. if it were the other way around and she’d asked me to change the topic id’ve been fine with it. 

thats a recurring theme here. something is completely fine, until suddenly one day she decides she doesn’t like it and starts screaming and shouting at us for it. the rules are strict but entirely inconsistent and nonsensical. 

I’ve tried talking to her about it, so so many times. but she’s always got an excuse or a justification. you see, she apologised for it this time! what else do I want from her?! I need to just drop it!!! if I’m allowed to throw temper tantrums all the time, how could I possibly blame her for her ‘panic attacks’? don’t I know that she’d been abused as a kid? how could I treat her this way, after all she does for me?? just yesterday she tried to tell me that it was the first time she’d screamed at me for ages, even though she’d literally had huge episodes earlier in the week and even earlier that very day.

(they’re not temper tantrums, fyi. I haven’t had a temper tantrum since I was a toddler. they’re meltdowns. I’m autistic, I literally can’t help it. she knows this. she makes sure to remind me that I’m acting like a r****ded bitch every time I have one. they’re almost always her fault.)

I’ve got anxiety problems and am horribly afraid of speaking to people in a real life setting. it only occurred to me recently that that’s probably her fault. I have anger problems too and that’s probably from her too. its scary. I don’t want to grow up to be like her, but I can’t help it.

i don’t have anyone to go to. i can’t talk to a teacher because im homeschooled (or rather - should be. my education’s been mostly ignored since I was about thirteen. I’m seventeen now.) i don’t have any trusted neighbours and all of my friends are online and I don’t want to burden them with heavy stuff. I can’t contact my extended family. my dad is only home on the weekend because he works away, but he already knows about the problem and won’t do anything about it. I’ve tried talking to childline over and over again and they’ve not been able to help me. 

I want to move out when I’m older but I’m completely dependant on her. I can’t go to college. not with my education, or my anxiety, or my money. Im not going to be able to get a job because I have no skills outside of drawing, and even entry level jobs like working at Tesco - I’d flunk an interview. I can barely speak to people I don’t know. and even if I got the job, just going grocery shopping is too overwhelming for me. I couldn’t handle it. id be fired. I want to work as an artist but I don’t have any kind of a following so I’d never make a living off of it. they’ve ‘assured’ me that I’m going to be allowed to live with them even as an adult. I’m stuck with them for the foreseeable future. 

I feel trapped and miserable and there just doesn’t seem to be a way out. She doesn’t hit me, so I can’t prove anything. I’ve already gone over why I can’t leave or tell someone. sometimes it feels like the only way out is for me to just die already, but even then I don’t have the means to do it. I’m just stuck being some useless, scared, anxious fucking shutin for the rest of my life and I can’t even cut it short.

I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you. I’m not expecting advice or anything, because I know theres nothing that can be done. I just needed to dump it all on someone.