#thats how first appointments usually go right? 😭

[scarecrowgolem]

I'm exhausted from opening my huge can of worms regarding my life and traumas in my first appointment with my new therapist today, but I think it went well and she seems really nice and understanding I hope things continue to go well!

[satoruhour]

right, so it was actually a WAYYY long time coming and it should have happened months ago. one of the the biggest issues was pretty much is that we had been in a relationship for four years, and everything was just at a standstill. i know relationships don’t always have to be constantly progressing, but other than getting a dog a little bit ago, our relationship was at the same exact place it was two years ago. the biggest thing was he would get really upset whenever i tried to say “i love you”, like he’d get super angry and i wasn’t allowed to say it. he always just said “we don’t have that type or relationship” which made no sense bc we didn’t have a sexual one (he’s asexual or so he always said) so if we didn’t have a romantic one then what type of relationship did we have ??? cause we were definitely dating, it wasn’t just like we were friends and i was misreading it. we were DEFINITELY in a relationship.

the past couple of months he’s been more angry than usual. like his temper was shorter and he was always in a bad mood and he was always saying and doing things to upset me. and he never apologized for any of them, he would just pretend like it never happened and be overly nice for a while before going right back to being really angry and mean. and he didn’t want me talking to his family (especially his sister who’s about 15/16 and one of my best friends in the world she’s like a litter sister to me and i adore her), he didn’t like it when i went to do my physical therapy, he didn’t like when i went to doctor’s appointments or did therapy. like anything i did to improve myself physically or mentally he’d get upset. and it was just a bunch of stuff like that.

but the final straw was the other night, we had been planning this trip to go see my family in seychelles, it would have been his first time meeting them in person and my first time seeing them in YEARS. and at first he seemed a little nervous to go, and it was kinda cute in the beginning, like “awe, he’s nervous to meet my family”, but then he started getting more and more aggressive about how he just didn’t want to go. and it isn’t like he doesn’t like to travel, last month he went on a solo trip to italy france and greace just bc he felt like it (he’s a trust fund baby). but he was just so against my family. and i asked him why, and he said that he just didn’t think he’d be the right “fit” for my family, and that he just thinks he should keep himself and my family “separated”. which could have had a totally different meaning if he didn’t use the word “separate” and if he wasn’t white and my family wasn’t black. and he was going on and on about how he didn’t like how i acted around my family, bc it was so different from how i acted around him and his family. which of fucking course i do. his family is his two wealthy white lesbian moms and his little sister. and my family is a dirt poor massive family of aunts and cousins and sisters and brothers and family friends all living together on an island in east africa who are all very traditional in their culture and beliefs. so of COURSE my interactions with them is different than with his family.

and i eventually just said “you know, i’m also black. it isn’t just my family. you have no issues with me, so what’s so different” and he straight up said “yeah but you’re different, you don’t look anything like your family”. (and he is right about me not looking like my family, i’m the lightest person in it, to the point where i could probably straighten my hair and pass as completely white, but i’m still black)

after that i blew up, and he blew up, and at one point he raised his hand at me. i don’t think it was to actually hit me, i think it was just to get me to shut up, and right after that i told him that this shit was over, i packed my stuff said goodbye to the dog and went to my mom’s.

thats so weird of him to do that first of all. like what do u think youve been doing these past four years w/ rina??? 😭😭😭 hes probably scared of commitment and the things that come w it but even then he shouldve communicated to you about it. probably thought everything would be ok if he didnt talk about it and then got angry at YOU for wanting to express your feelings. give me a break. ig you couldn’t blame him for how he was brought up (don’t know how he was, but im considering that it contributed) but a relationship is supposed to be working together.. ugh

i think also he’s just projecting his hardships on you bc why else would he hold u back from improving urself???? weirdo ..... i hope you at least manage to talk to his sis more often without him knowing though

anger issues as well 🤐 the core of it is probably fear of commitment and the fact that he's going to meet your family seals the deal that youre in an rs (which u already are) and he's probably also insecure or embarrassed of his rs with you :/

and of COURSE he’s a trust fund baby lmfao he seemed so privileged, parents probably letting him act like that since young. and he's gross for criticising you on how you act w your family too. probably been spoiled since young but with money and not love 💀 (making assumptions loool)

think he also created a romanticised ver of you in his head (more of regarding your family) and then when you proposed that he meet your parents he wasnt comfortable with suddenly facing all parts of your identity in relation to your family and culture

either way i might just be saying stuff you’ve already thought about and i’m sorry u even went thru all that and also i hope youre safe at your mom’s :/// is it possible that he'll try to contact you???? text me if anyth else happens ok

[thechangeling]

Why am i like this why am i like this why am i *screams*

Story time because this happened at morning and im still internally screaming. My spanish teacher asked me to walk with her for a second cause she wanted to ask me smth, so i went with her kinda freaked out cause, well its me i go worst case scenario always. So, what she wanted to talk about, is that shes noticed i dont usually stare people in the eye when im talking. She said shed notice that for a while but that the last few days (since ive been talking to her more cause of a thing were working on) she just noticed and was curious why i did that. And if i was just zoning out. Then she started mentioning how i didnt look at her in class yada yada you get it.

I dont like looking people in the eye, but i didnt really notice how much i didnt do it till now. But i didnt feel like explaining that because "yeah looking people in the eye can be hard"

So i just

Lied

DONT ASK WHY MY BRAIN DECIDED TO TELL HER I WAS HAVING SIGHT ISSUES AND THATS WHY I AVOIDED LOOKING UP AT HER IN CLASS CAUSE I COULDNT SEE THE BOARD

But now i lied my ass off and told her id get an oftalmologist appointement in a few weeks because i was panicking 😭

One i neither have the time or money to attend

I mean, my sight *has* been off and i did want to get that checked BUT NOW I SOMEHOW MADE UP AN APOINTEMENT NEXT WEEK??

Kill me murder me assasinate me

Just in case im mentioning this cause i think its funny how i caught myself into ths situation

Zia..... omg 😂

Ok first of all don't beat yourself up. I understand why you wouldn't want to tell her that you might have ADHD and you have every right not to share that with people. Also impulse control is a symptom, one that gets me into trouble a lot too.

I don't know if you want moral support it solutions or both. Tbh idk. If you really don't have the time and money to see an eye doctor you could just tell her that if she asks again? Because if you tell her you went to the appointment and it turns out you don't need glasses then if it turns out later on you do then that might be hard to explain? And if you tell her that you do need glasses and it turns out that you don't then you're pretty much gonna have the same problem.

I don't know. Maybe you should talk to your parents about getting an appointment with an eye doctor if you feel comfortable doing so and then see what they say and go from there. Like I understand not wanting to say anything about ADHD but maybe if you have been wanting to get your eyes checked you could tell them that?

Also, in terms of getting distracted in class I find that sometimes giving my hands something to do helps, like doddling or playing with a pen. Also they say coffee can act like natural ADHD meds and instead of waking an adhd person's mind up like it does for most people, it actually helps it focus. Idk if this is true for me personally, I just like the taste and I know my head hurts if I don't have my coffee.

Sorry I don't know if you wanted advice or not but that's just where my brain goes lol. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It sucks. It sucks even more that this world is so ableist we have to invent cover stories to explain away our neurodivergint behavior. It's not fair.

But I'm here if you wanna talk ❤