#that's where people go to 'be themselves' without judgment so judging isn't really a big thing there

[shepherds-of-haven]

hiii i have a question about chase's new interlude. can we assume that MC used some sort of glamour on their eyes to hide the iladrin? or those glasses from chandry's (although idk what they look like so they might not fit the vibe lol). im assuming old money couples wouldn't be mages, i thought that would come into play

Hi, you can assume MC either used a glamour, or just that a gambling house/casino isn't really the place where people are out to judge others; most people are drunk or distracted by the games, but enough goes on there that a Mage/Norm couple isn't going to raise any eyebrows, not when people are walking around with prostitutes and courtesans or doing a lot of other illicit stuff. There's a looser demeanor at such establishments, like a 'I'll turn a blind eye if you do the same for me' attitude, which is why nobles like Lavinet wouldn't be caught dead in one; Chase made his alias out to be a 'new money' businessman and not a recognizable noble with a verifiable name and title, so having a Mage spouse (or partner he called a spouse) wouldn't cause such ripples that it would cause a problem for him. He was just concerned about looking rich enough to be admitted/tolerated, but someone like Joryston wasn't going to snub him on the basis of being married to MC. Hope that makes sense!

[kidmachinate]

Making Peace With a Part of Me

My therapist is a sweet lady. She tells me things I know but won’t acknowledge fully. There’s this part of me that might as well be its own separate person, that I sometimes see in the mirror instead of the person I know I can be and mostly show to others. I can take a defeatist attitude. On good days, I just joke around how my memory just doesn’t work. Except it isn’t a joke. I genuinely in games or otherwise can’t remember how I got from point A to point B more often than I’d like to admit. Having it together in life doesn’t mean I’m not without feelings. Sadness. Despair. Depression and anxiety. They suck. The “Part of Me” that I’ve learned to work with. My “Badeline” persona of sorts.

Unforeseen circumstances have taken place and my sessions may have to be put on hold. This doesn’t mean I can’t reflect on what I’ve learned. How far I’ve come. How it is very much okay to be not okay. What’s not okay are the eyes that look over us all and tell us things must be a certain way or no way at all. It’s a closed minded view of things and helps no one. It is highly insensitive as so much more than I even realized, isn’t quite as black and white as we’d like to believe. I want to address a few things and this will likely come out as crude as possible at times, for the sake of both transparency, and perhaps make some of the misunderstood out there more comfortable.

My faith in humanity is...questionable. Lots of moments I shake my head at but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. Respect isn’t “earned”, it should be granted from the start. Expect the good from one...until they prove otherwise...and this is where I slip fast. I’ve given very little leverage here at times with others, which is good for the ones who seek not to help themselves. Too much leverage however gets you into trouble. It led to tragic moments I’ve referenced on here before but that’s in the past. We need to be compassionate because it’s one thing to just get shit done. I’m all for that. Not always easy though. America likes to avoid mental health because it’s scary or people are ashamed. Perhaps not just America but even with people more open about all this, it is still a joke to many. We should be more focused on strengthening mental health education than blaming video games. Seeing the good in people is both a blessing and a curse and I’m trying not to buy too much into the negative side of that. In becoming more self-aware however, I’m trusting my gut more. Ignoring what is true to you is the way to slowly start losing your mind. It’s not a place I’m going back to.

I’m good at avoiding people it seems, but it isn't something I always want to do. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I look like crap? What if I get judged for what I wear? What if I say the one wrong thing that ruins a great friendship or relationship? Should I REALLY be that concerned to begin with? Probably not. This is me however. While I stay away from others, in part lately, this is for legitimate self-care purposes. Us introverts need to recharge and all that. However...while I may seem at times like I kinda hate people, I do LOVE connecting people. Community efforts. Getting people chatting about stuff that matters or that I like, even if I don’t fully understand it. I’ve had my thoughts of being a therapist of sorts but I dunno...think it might break me. I can bring help/hope to people in my current ways but not on that kind of scale. Absorbing emotions and such, better at a level where I can manage it and am not forced into it. Forced into it...hmm...

You know what really fucking sucks? Being forced to do literally anything. I can decide myself dammit. Except for when I can’t. That sucks. But I should be allowed to go through that process on my own. Not mocked when I don’t instantly give an answer. How about...if I don’t give an answer, just assume no? Silence is a response too. A powerful one at that, depending on situation. I get we are in a age of instant gratification but anything worthwhile in life requires work. Work which we all need to do to live. Work at times also however, does involve working on ourselves with or without the use of meds and/or a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Depression and anxiety are one thing. Combining that with feeling mostly understood by many is another. If there’s a personality disorder involved however, things can get even more complex. Being curious about what makes people tick always has me looking for perhaps why someone acted a certain way. Now of course if they keep just being a jackass or selfish, you can introduce them to the book your foot wrote...or just tell em to fuck off. Me however...ever heard of the INFJ doorslam? People that have gotten it haven’t come back. No regrets.

You know what else sucks? Having to force yourself out of bed because you feel like a legit piece of shit. But hey...gotta work in the morning, right? The machine mentality kicks in...but then who are you if everything is just on autopilot. The machine mentality however puts me in gear to do all the stuff I’m used to. Being responsible. Adulting. I’m convinced the only reason it is “easy” (sort of) for me is because I’m used to doing much of this alone. Alone. That always sucks to realize, eh? But I’m consistently telling people they aren’t alone. I don’t want people to feel like I do at times, or other can and will do to themselves on a bad day. How can you help others if you can’t help yourself? Um...I just...do? The shit happens. Don’t ask me how tho. Depending on the day, I won’t be able to tell you.

The balance between being the light at the end of the tunnel and a defeatist attitude is a daily struggle. Depression sucks for me and it has gotten worse. Anxiety is not as big a deal but I’ve also found out what a panic attack is like multiple times this year, so there’s that. When it hits is hits. Just gotta be ready to roll with the punches. Music, gaming, and seeking mental health knowledge/help helps with that. Knowledge is power...unless it is clickbait or ACTUAL fake news. No one needs that crap. Social media...that can be crap. I took a break for a weekend. It was nice. Try it sometime. You’d be amazed at the results.

How can I put a voice out there when my own shit isn’t together? Maybe that’s the point. Maybe that is part of the vision to begin with. I’m still figuring it out. Many still are and just not admitting it. The second you think you know it all you’ve lost in life. That and I don’t want to talk to you. You and the horse your ego rode in on can go off a bridge.

One more thing on this digital pad. Love. The word gets tossed around too much to even determine what it means but it is also one of those things without question. I prefer the spiritual connections. The ones with more understanding and less explaining. When you do explain, it is understood. Judgment free zone. Funny from a INFJ, eh? It's possible dammit!

It's okay to not be okay. That's what we need to tell our bad selves without letting it consume us. Is that it? From from it...but I'm working on ways to express the good and bad in more positive manners. Until then, reach out if you need help. Always. Don't you dare go hollow.

[bearogenes]

Dear Bearogenes: I’m a person with some mental problems. Should I not try to find someone anymore?

hi. i'm a boy with a few mental problems, mainly anxiety and depression. would it be best for me not to try and find  or be involved in any sexual/romantic relationships until i fix myself? i get really really lonely, but at the same time i wouldn't want the other person to deal with some of the baggage i carry.

Why would that be for the best? Is there something broken or wrong with you? Those things may never change, may never go away fully, so what you’re saying to me is that you shouldn't try to find a partner who will understand those things, care about you, and be the support you need to learn to cope with those parts of yourself? If there was anything wrong that was made apparent by your question it’s that you think there’s something wrong with you.

There is an image associated with difficulties like those and it comes from one of the greater evils of our age: The diagnosis becomes the condition. The second someone says one of those buzz words: ADD ADHD BPD, Any of them, all of a sudden people will ‘re-frame’ their understanding of you based on those letters as if some how your oddity (and their confusion about you) makes sense because it’s all the fault of those letters.

Do you know what the prevalence of anxiety and depression is among LGBT people? Each on their own exist in varying degrees in more than half our numbers. Together? Nearly every one you meet will have, or be, enduring those things. Conditions like Generalized Anxiety Disorder are so common and consistent that people just feel uneasy in social groups and so become introverted. In fact you could say that GAD is an acronym diagnosis for just not bloody liking the idiots that surround you most of the time. If that’s the case, that’s a new set of letters to add to my bandoleer of freely distributed (and misunderstood) pop-psych badges.

I’m going to throw a few things out for you to consider, things that have been thrown at me personally over the years, and while you think about them bear in mind that these ‘definitions’ are how people see them and not the truth. Unfortunately that often defines the truth for those words and people like to just throw them around as they see fit. Real definitions are more complicated, but the simple understanding your average person is what fashions the weapons they use to hurt, marginalize or shame another person. 

That said here’s a few of the ‘winners’ in most inappropriately used diagnoses I’ve had thrown at me : 

I am Anti-social because I do not care for ‘norms’ or large groups of people. Truth be told, my lifestyle is completely counter to social norms and that I refuse to live in an ‘acceptable’ box because someone tells me I should makes me anti social.

I have PTSD from being repeatedly beaten, harassed and threatened physically, mentally and emotionally by people who gave themselves the authority to judge and punish another human being. In reality, nearly everyone has that same condition for those reasons. If you've ever endured trauma and have survived it, you have post-traumatic symptoms whenever you feel threatened again. It never goes away.

I have Anxiety. I know they mean the constant feeling of being in danger, of needing to run, and almost anyone who has ever been nervous has suffered anxiety. When you get excited, you are anxious. When you are afraid and anticipating something, you are anxious.

I have Depression. The common person thinks depression is feeling blue. They are wrong. Depression is feeling gray. It has no trigger or warning, it just is. It’s like someone turned down the contrast on life until things become black and white, senses become dulled, pleasure vanishes and the world becomes a bleak hell while you sit feeling isolated in a flesh colored straight jacket. There is nothing blue about depression. You aren't sad, that’s a whole other emotion packed into it.  

I can keep going through the entire DSM if need be. Hell, according to the big book of boxes, I’m schizotypal because I actually think that I matter to other people. “ characterized by severe social anxiety, paranoia, and often unconventional beliefs. “ How awesome is that? Who the hell ISN'T Schizotypal that grew up gay and in a place where homophobia exists. Pretty sure everyone has traits that qualify under these umbrellas.

There in is part of the problem. If I were to go through the DSM (the diagnostic manual for mental health issues) you’d see how wrong people are who those words that way and you’d also recognize their ‘common usages’ the way I do: Tools to harm, and not to help anyone but the speaker feel ‘safer’ about themselves by making you ‘crazy’.

I want to be clear, I am not angry at you. I am frustrated with this particular demon because it haunts SO many people.

My point is this: what makes them ISSUES is not the condition, it’s what you (and to a degree others) think they mean. So what if there are days when you need more affection and others when you need more space? So what if you happen to need that feeling of being safe that a loving relationship can provide? Do you think perfection is something you can actually ‘be’ or is it the journey from where you are to where you wind up, the quest itself to become more, to be stronger but most importantly: to be happy.

The ONLY way it poses a risk is if you use the relationship as a crutch or therapy. A partner can’t realistically ‘fix’ you, only you can do that. What they can do is provide you safe space to process, understanding of your difficulty, caring and compassion while you do the hard work and appreciation for all the effort YOU put in to overcome what inhibits you now.

Yes feeling good can become a drug to ward off depression, but it can never fix it and so it will come crashing back down harder than before. What you need from a partner when you’re having a hard time isn’t sex, it’s companionship and support. They may give you a hand so you can lift yourself up, arms to fall into when you need to cry, and a smile to try to cheer you up a little. That’s not because they think you are sad, but because sometimes it is the VERY thing you need to see so that you can try to reach for happy even when you don’t think you can make it.

There is one last thing I want to add here. Don’t judge a potential partner before you give them the chance to show you that your ‘baggage’ doesn’t stop them from caring about you. Nothing is easy, especially not finding love, so you can’t take that as a judgment against you.

Do I think you should be single until you’re ‘fixed?.

 No. 

I don’t think you should deny the opportunity to be happy. I don’t think there is anything “wrong” with you. The only thing that makes it so is you. As I once wrote to another person wrestling with similar issues:

“The problem, you see, isn't that you’re in a wheelchair. The problem is the wheelchair in your MIND. It’s that you see yourself that way, as lesser, because of the difference you think that makes you so. You need to learn to put the wheelchair in your mind away”. 

You need to put away the words others give you to describe who and what you are. Don’t think of yourself as anything other than who you are. If you feel you have work you need to do on yourself, more power to you, but don’t let that kind of thinking prevent you from being happy or even finding love. Struggling, as you do, is hard enough without feeling diminished because of the fact that you DO struggle.

Forgive my rant but, you see, I have had too many experiences with people who feel broken because they struggle through difficult times. It saddens me to see anyone throw themselves into the trash because they feels that’s where they belong.

 You don’t.

You belong somewhere that makes you happy and proud to be there. 

You aren’t broken.

Someday, perhaps, when I am feeling VERY talkative I will tell you all of my philosophy of being human, but for now I want you in particular to know something: 

Life will crack you, split you apart and leave you in pieces, but what makes YOU beautiful is that you survive. Your courage, your effort and your determination become a new bond between pieces, a filling of gold, that changes you and makes you even more beautiful than before. Your history, who you are right now, is an extraordinary thing. You simply need to put aside your thoughts about your value and allow someone else to show you that you are wrong.

I want you to understand that you are beautiful, just as you are, because you have endured and survived things most cannot comprehend. You are your own creation and that makes you a singular wonder in the world. you don’t have to be proud of your pain, but you should be proud of the phenomenal accomplishment of still being here. Take hope in that fact too because every day you are, every breath you continue to struggle to take, brings you one step closer to where you want to be.

Along the way it really doesn’t hurt to have someone to talk to. Their perspective might help you find the strength you need to change the situation from within. Find a therapist to help you with the really difficult things and show you ways to start learning to cope with things.

My best, as always,

-Bearogenes

[torchholder247-blog]

Eric L Andrist-the man behind the curtain of baddoctordatabase, bad medicine database on fb, 4Patientsafety and The Patient Safety League

What follows is an exchange with Eric L Andrist (photo bust attached to this site), the man who runs the baddoctordatabase@tumblr.com blog where he re-posts articles about doctors accused of wrongdoing, often adding his own spin to the posts. In the exchange below we removed the doctors name and identifying information as the focus is Who is Eric Andrist? and the defamatory false exposure of Innocent doctors are posted on his sites.

Us: Charges were dismissed against Dr X and his medical license is active and unlimited. Dr X was and remains innocent of the charge.

Andrist: I already posted the newer articles. However, dismissal of charges does NOT necessarily equate to rendering someone "innocent." The article clearly says:

"In an unusual move, Circuit Judge X sealed the probable cause affidavit and case information at the request of Judicial District Prosecuting Attorney X the day before Dr X was taken into custody.

The Order to Seal Affidavit and Information document indicates the record was sealed on the grounds that if released to the public, it could compromise an ongoing investigation. In addition, the release of said information is sensitive, and it is necessary to withhold this information for a short time to ensure the investigations are not impaired."

So clearly there is an ongoing investigation.

Us: Your integrity is appreciated. The citation you post above are from reporters of Online & Bulletin articles of X date. Clearly from that date further 'ongoing' investigations transpired that the State dropped charges and reinstated Dr X's medical license 'in full without restriction'. Those two current legal actions verify 'Innocence' in that surely you are not suggesting that the State would permit the doctor to resume practice otherwise. You posted Dr X to your various social media Bad Doctor related sites solely on the basis of 'the Charge against him' yet 'the Charge against him' has been dismissed..and you now refuse to take down your negative posts. That decision defeats the otherwise good intention of your site. Since the ruling no further investigation of Dr X exists. IF you are suggesting that other persons are part of a current ongoing investigation, that has no relevancy to Dr X. Please reconsider and remove.

Thank you for posting the Online Dismissal article provided to you.

Andrist: Actually, they don't. That's not how the law works. Dropping charges does not equate to innocence. It just means there was not enough evidence to proceed with the charges. The state constantly lets doctors practice when they've done something wrong! We monitor the California Medical Board heavily. We have 3 doctors currently on the Sex Offenders Registry who are practicing with clear records!

My decision to keep up the information does NOT defeat the purpose of my site because he has not been proven innocent...they just gave up proving him guilty.

If you have documentation PROVING innocence, by all means send them to me and I'll post them. But again, dismissing charges does not mean he's innocent. There's a big difference.

In court, even a "not guilty" verdict by a jury does not equate to "innocent" As we saw in the OJ Simpson case, he was found not guilty by a jury, when he was clearly guilty, and later found guilty in a civil trial.

Us: I am trying hard to understand. I get what you are saying about other cases, but am only informed about the case of Dr X. Your website states "'Innocent' until proven guilty", the 'one' charge against Dr X was dismissed, not by the Judge, not by Statute of Limitations, but by the State Prosecutor..resulting in Dr X having no charges against him. He cannot be proven 'guilty' when there is no charge against him..nor any further investigation of him. Therefore based upon your site claims, Dr X is innocent...supporting removing your posts on social media. To take any action otherwise contradicts your website virtue of Innocent Until Proven Guilty...and becomes Guilty Until Proven Innocent. Our legal system is not perfect, but it is based solely upon that same legal system that your website exists.

Andrist: You don't seem to understand what "dismissed" means. Why do you think it relates to innocence? If someone murders their spouse and they get arrested just because they were there at the time, but later the charges are dropped because they simply couldn't find more evidence linking them to the murder, does that mean to you that the person is innocent and didn't kill someone?

Innocent until proven guilty is a phrase that only has meaning in a court of law. In the real world, not so much. People judge people guilty all the time. It's on my website as a disclaimer, not as my own personal belief. I don't put information in my blog personally, I only link to stories that other reporters have already written. The stories about Dr X are other people's words, not mine. It's there for informational purposes.

In the eyes of the "law," he is considered innocent until proven guilty. But in real life, that's not the case. We as people are not bound by the laws of the court to read the facts and make a judgment based on them.

IF he is guilty, don't you think his patients have a right to know the details of this story?

What is your relationship to him?

Us: I understand both 'dismissed' and 'innocence' in both lay terms and legal terms. I also understand human nature as it relates to judging/harming others on an emotional platform. Additionally I saw that your sites were merely re-posting articles written by others. The dialogue between you and I could go on exchanging philosophical views but cutting to the chase..what evidence do you accept to prove 'innocence' of anyone posted to your baddoctor related websites?

Andrist: First, who are you and why are you asking for this? Why isn't the doctor asking me?

Us: No story here, just trying to understand how, as the site manager, to work with you to remove the post and would appreciate your guidance on what is required. Please advise.

Andrist: Well, I won't continue the conversation until I know who you are and your motives. I've been contacted by companies before who did this same thing who were paid by the doctor to clean the internet. They gave me all kinds of lies trying to get me to take a post down including bribe money. They told me the doctor was proven innocent. Then I checked with the DA's office and it was all lies. So if you want to continue the conversation, come clean.

Us: I can't be held accountable for what others do. As you can attest, I have done nothing but provide you with updated Source data (articles, legal docs) to support a reasonable request. You claim you have 'no relationship' with the folks that submit to your sites, accordingly it is illogical to require otherwise of me. My request of what constitutes 'Proof of Innocence' to you is straight forward. Without knowing your requirements, the tasks is unreachable...as from a legal platform I have already provided you adequate documentation to satisfy my request.

Andrist: Sure it is. It's my blog, I can do what I want with it. I need to know where information comes from and if it's from a person, the motives for it. You could be lying for all I know. And no, you have not provided me anything to satisfy your request. You seem to think that a dismissal equates to innocence.

If he did the things he's accused of, why should his patients not have access to the information so they can decide for themselves? Why would you want to take that away from them?

Us: With all due respect, I ask again, what would satisfy you to establish Proof of Innocence? or is your site unamenable to ever removing a post?

Andrist: Sorry, I'm done talking if you're not going to tell me who you are.

Have the doctor contact me himself.

Us: I am sorry also. You could have simply told me that you never remove anyone once you make a post.

Andrist: Why would I say that if it's not true. I've taken a doctor down when he was able to convince me of his innocence. You've convinced me of nothing except being a busy body.

Us: Name calling, really? If what you now say was true, you would easily provide your site requirements to prove innocence. There would be no motivation not to produce the requirements, yet you refuse.

Andrist: What's wrong with name calling if it fits? I don't have to provide anything. I'm a patient safety advocate, my allegiance is to the public not the bad doctors. You're asking me for a favor, I gave you the requirements for me to proceed, and you've chosen not to. You'r choice. I've refused nothing...you just don't want to play.

Us: You are partially right, this is not a game. Your site while it does serve a great public good when the doctor is 'guilty', it is negligent to have no clear protocol for the wrongly accused to clear their name, given the harm your site causes the innocent..who are 'also' part of the public you say you serve. For that portion of the posts, the innocent, however small it may be, your website does a great injustice. But that does not matter to you, it's all about the game and power. Sad.