#that's what I'm Tolkien about

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It always gets me that the name "Gandalf" literally just means "Wand-Elf" or "Stick-Elf". I'm imagining old Gondorians just being like:

Librarian: I saw that weird guy at the library again today.

Guard 1: What weird guy?

Librarian: The old guy with the beard? Kinda elfy-looking, apart from the beard?

Guard 1: Oh, with the big-ass stick?

Librarian: Yeah, looked like he was carrying an entire tree branch.

Guard 2: Yeah, that's the Stick Elf.

Guard 1: Hell yeah, I fuckin' love the Stick Elf.

Librarian: The "Stick Elf"?

Guard 2: He comes by every few years, usually after some weird book or other.

Librarian: Oh. Yeah, he wanted a treatise on goblin breeding habits.

Guard 2: Like, how they have sex? We have books on that?

Librarian: Yeah, turns out we do. I was as surprised as you are.

Guard 1: What'd the Stick Elf need a fuckin' goblin-fuckin' book for?

Librarian: I didn't ask. So you just call him "Stick Elf"?

Guard 2: I mean, he looks kinda elfy and he always has that stick, so, like, yeah.

Guard 1: Dude also has some fuckin' dope pipeweed.

Guard 2: Oh yeah, his pipeweed is awesome.

Librarian: How long has he been coming here?

Guard 2: Oh, for decades. He's, like, super old.

Guard 1: More like fuckin' centuries. Dude's old as balls.

Guard 2: Wait, really?

Guard 1: Yeah, my gran-gran used to talk about him. She loved his pipeweed too.

Librarian: So he's… an immortal pipeweed dealer?

Guard 2: I think he's just, like, a connoisseur. He doesn't sell it or anything. He just always has some really top-notch pipeweed on him.

Archivist: Oh, are we talking about Stick Elf?

Guard 1: Hell yeah we are!

Librarian: You know about the Stick Elf, too?

Archivist: Oh, totally. Stick-Elf's a super chill dude. Gave me some awesome pipeweed when I was maybe 12, and tee-bee-aitch I think I'm still a little buzzed from it.

Guard 1: What'd I tell ya, fuckin' dope pipeweed!

Archivist: Also he's really old.

Guard 1: Old as balls.

Librarian: Yeah, so Éodan and Jenniforomir were telling me.

Archivist: My grandpa used to tell me stories - he said one time he saw Stick Elf enter a smoke-ring contest.

Guard 1: Ooh, I'll bet he kicked fuckin' ass.

Archivist: Apparently the guy made an entire warship out of smoke and it flew around shooting down the other rings.

Librarian: And how much of this "fuckin' dope" pipeweed had your grandfather had by this point?

Guard 1: No no, that's totally plausible. Dude's got weird elf powers and shit for sure.

Archivist: He brought fireworks for the king's birthday one year, too.

Guard 1: Oh fuck, I forgot about those! Fuckin' incredible fireworks! Dragons and knights and glowy trees and shit! I was fuckin' 6 years old or something, they totally blew my mind. Hey Éodan, did you see that shit?

Guard 2: No, I think that's before I lived in Gondor.

Guard 1: Wait, you're not from here?

Guard 2: Oh, no, I grew up in Rohan. We moved here when I was, like, thirteen because my uncle Éojeff said he could get my dad a sweet job. And also that there were houses that didn't smell like horseshit.

Guard 1: Oh shit, are you related to Éojeff and Éosteve who run that æbleskiver stand on Norndîl St?

Guard 2: Yeah, they're my uncles!

Guard 1: Shit, they cook a fuckin' great æbleskiver!

Librarian: Ok, hold up a sec, "Stick Elf" can't possibly be his real name.

Guard 1: Why not?

Librarian: What? You think his parents named him in the hopes that he would carry around a fucking tree when he got older?

Guard 2: Maybe they gave him the tree when he was born!

Archivist: I don't think a baby could carry that stick.

Guard 1: You ever seen a baby hanging onto something? They're hella strong.

Archivist: It's not a strength thing, their hands are tiny. That staff is enormous!

Guard 1: My halberd's bigger 'n I am, I can hold it just fine.

Archivist: You're not a baby.

Librarian: Also why would elf parents name their kid "stick ELF"?! Presumably they know that their kid's going to be an elf!

Archivist: Is he actually an elf? I didn't think they grew beards.

Guard 1: How'd he get old as balls if he's not an elf?

Guard 2: His ears aren't that pointy. Maybe he's just a really old guy? Like, a Numémoriam or something?

Guard 1: Did you just say "Numémoriam"?

Guard 2: Nûnenorman? Munimõrbitan? Y'know, those guys like the king that can get super old.

Guard 1: You mean the fuckin' Númenóreans?

Guard 2: Yeah, the Númenóreums.

Archivist: Even the Númenóreans don't live THAT long.

Guard 1: Plus he carries that fuckin' stick around.

Guard 2: Wait, what does the stick have to do with it?

Guard 1: That's an elf thing. Y'know, trees and shit? Very elfy.

Librarian: Ok, look, but his parents naming him "Stick Elf" would be weird whether or not he's an elf. In fact, it's even weirder if he's not - what human names their kid "elf"?

Archivist: Huh. Yeah, you're right, he probably does have another name.

Guard 2: Yeah, I guess so.

Librarian: He's been coming here for decades and nobody's ever asked his real name?

Archivist: I dunno what to tell you, he's Stick Elf. Even his library card just says 'Stick Elf'.

Guard 1: Fuck yeah, the Stick Elf!

Guard 2: Maybe we could, like, ask him his name sometime?

Guard 1: Hey, look, Elrond's over there. He's old as balls too, maybe he knows?

Guard 2: Oh, we shouldn't interru-

Guard 1: HEY ELROND, YOU'RE OLD AS BALLS, RIGHT? WHAT'S THAT OLD ELF WITH THE STICK'S NAME?

Elrond (coming over): Do you mean an old man cloaked all in grey and blue, leaning on a rough-cut staff, who came to the great library this day?

Guard 1: Yeah, the Stick-Elf!

Guard 2: (Sorry to bother you, sir...)

Librarian: He's got to have a real name besides 'the Stick Elf', right?

Elrond: Indeed, for no elf is he. You speak of the wizard Olórin, wisest of the Maiar, older even than Eä itself. Many are his names in many countries: Tharkûn among the Dwarves; Incánus to the south; Mithrandir he is called among my people, the Grey Pilgrim.

Librarian: Oh.

Elrond: And here in the North he is called Stick-Elf.

Librarian: Oh.

Guard 1: Fuck yeah!

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What OP doesn't realize is that in Hobbitish (a dialect of Westron), the word 'potato' refers to what we would call a 'duck'.

not even JRR Tolkien, who famously developed the concept of the Secondary World and firmly believed that no trace of the Real World should be evoked in the fictional world, was able to remove potatoes from his literature. this is a man who developed whole languages and mythologies for his literary world, who justified its existence in English as a translation* simply because he was so miffed he couldn't get away with making the story fully alien to the real world. and not even he, in extremis, was so cruel as to deny his characters the heavenly potato. could not even conceive a universe devoid of the potato. such is its impact. everyone please take a moment to say thank you to South Americans for developing and cultivating one of earth's finest vegetables. the potato IS all that. literally world-changing food. bless.

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Corrections

We here at Sufficiently Large Ndustries pride ourselves on our unwavering commitment to factual accuracy in all things.

Recently, it has come to our attention that certain details of this post, hereinafter referred to as the "Fuck Yeah Stick-Elf" post, or FYSE, seem to contradict the canon established by internationally-known author Jonald Ronald Rolkien Tolkien (h/t @elodieunderglass for explaining his full name).

Because of our unwavering commitment to factual accuracy in all things, we cannot possibly have made any mistakes, so we wish to issue several corrections to your understanding to demonstrate that we were correct all along:

Question: Don't the Gondorians call him Mithrandir?

Answer: Not all Gondorians.

Canonically, Tolkien notes that the people of Gondor use the Sindarin name Mithrandir (from mith "grey" and randir "random", hence "some random grey guy") for Olórin. However, Tolkien's references to this are always about Gondorian nobility or royalty, who did indeed call Stick-Elf Mithrandir. This is because they were kind of pretentious, like native English speakers who insist on correcting anyone who doesn't pronounce "Paris" as "pair-REE".

When six-year-old Faramir had nightmares and ran to his father calling out "I'm scared!", Denethor would correct him, saying "No, you feel echais", because he was a dick. Part of the reason why Gondor lost a lot of its ancient glory is because it had centuries of leaders who were like this.

The average Joeromir Schmoeromir on the streets of Gondor, however, just called him Stick-Elf.

Question: If this is set in the past and Éodan is from Rohan, how could Gondor have a king?

Answer: It's not that king.

Suzannethor (the Archivist) mentions that Stick-Elf brought fireworks for the king's birthday, but Gondor's last king, King Eänur, died in T.A. 2050, almost five centuries before Rohan was founded in T.A. 2510 (special thanks to @thinkinginquenya for pointing out this discrepancy).

The answer is that FYSE is set in T.A. 2703, well after Rohan's founding; When the characters refer to "the king", they're not referring to royalty, but rather to the famous Númenórean musician Aarondil Préslion, often called "The King of Chant and Lyre" or just "The King" for short.

At this point there weren't many Men with enough Númenórean blood to have the sort of longevity that Aarondil had, leading to rumors that he was secretly an elf, hence his stage name, Elvish Présli.

Some of his most famous songs, like "Jailhouse Dirge" and "You Ain't Nothin' But a Warg Dog" are still popular today. Olórin was particularly fond of "Blue Steel Shoes", a lively jig about plate mail maintenance, and this is why he brought fireworks to Présli's 90th birthday party.

Question: Why does Elrond say "here in the North" in Gondor?

Answer: Elrond is a very sleepy boi.

In FYSE, Elrond says "Here in the North", even though generally most surviving texts of Middle-Earth are Gondo-centric and use "The North" to refer to lands north of Gondor, like Arnor/Eriador or the Forodwaith.

However, Jenniforomir just woke Elrond up from a nap (she didn't realize this because elves sleep with their eyes open), and he's still slightly disoriented. He says "Here in the North" because he was dreaming about a pub he visited once in Annúminas (and he is slightly shaken because in the dream he had forgotten to wear clothes, he had an exam coming up that he hadn't known about, and very tiny orcs were juggling silmarils all over the place).

Question: Why would Elrond out Olórin as a Maiar?

Answer: He was already out.

Tolkien didn't mention this in the books, but Olórin travels around on horse with several Maiar Pride bumper stickers, including a plain Maiar pride flag, one that reads "Maiar tested, Valar approved", and one that reads "Maiarn't there a lot of us!". Elrond knows this, and so has no compunction telling random Gondorians that Olórin is a Maiar.

We hope that these clarifications will reassure you that we here at Sufficiently Large Ndustries have never said anything false, ever, in all directions and at all times.

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God rest, ye merry gentlemen:

hey you happy guys, god sleep now yes, time is nap for god

God rest ye, merry gentlemen:

Hey happy guys, I hope God puts you in some unspecified state of being!

God rest ye merry, gentlemen:

Hey guys, I hope God grants you happiness!

God rest ye merry gentlemen:

Hey whoever you are, I hope God grants you a bunch of happy guys!

God, rest, ye, Merry, gentlemen:

Oh for the love of God. You right there, yeah, you, and also you, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and also all you fuckin' guys over there, will the whole lot of you just go the fuck to sleep already?!

[wroniec]

The Timeless Halls

Aulë & Melkor

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

I love how Epic is a story about how sometimes, you change in ways you can't undo. Sometimes it's a choice, and sometimes it's something that happens to you; often, it's both. And in some ways, you may be made worse. You may make mistakes. You may become someone you don't recognize, and you may not like who you now see in the mirror. You might lose your old self in the process of surviving.

But when you do, the people who love you will still be there. Not because of who you used to be, or how you might heal or become better, or out of ignorance of who you now are. Just because they love you, and you do not need to be perfect to be loved. You just need to be there.

And they'll be waiting for you.

[hylialeia]

everyone who doesn't include the full quote when mocking GRRM's "what was Aragorn's tax policy" rhetorical question owes me $200

[honore-art]

else one keychain with Maedros

full version is under the cut

i know, there already were several artists, who did similar keychains, but since i do not copy their work - i guess it's ok

tw: blood, wounds, nudity like on whose St. Sebastian paintings

[pargolettasworld]

This is clearly the literary version of putting on a Groucho Marx fake-nose-and-mustache and saying "See? See? I'm not Jirt. I'm the Narrator. A totally different person! Right? Right?"

Rereading The Hobbit, like you do, and when the party gets to Rivendell the narrator says “I wish I had time to tell you even a few of the tales or one or two of the songs that they heard in that house.”

And like. Jirt. My man.

I know it’s for narrative effect, but nothing I have ever read in my entire life has been less believable than Tolkien himself writing that he doesn’t have time to include a song.

[crownedwithstars]

The idea that only Ulmo or Nienna care about Middle-earth and do anything to help Eruhini is a strange misconception because Tolkien pretty clearly shows that at least Manwë is watching very closely what's going on and sometimes even interferes? It's just that the Valar mostly seem to work through the elements they represent, which if you think about it is pretty neat.

Like there are various instances where the wind acts up suddenly, causing storms or rising in just the right moment (as in ROTK, clearing the air for the Rohirrim and speeding Aragorn's journey as he sails for Minas Tirith)

And even more obviously, the Eagles. Tolkien specifically says that the Eagles are Manwë's advocates in Middle-earth, providing miraculous aid when all else fails. Without the Eagles, Beren and Lúthien's quest would have failed and Huor would not have got to Gondolin (which then would have prevented Eärendil's success or even meant he was never born). They give crucial aid to Gandalf more than once. The Eagles also help Fingon to save Maedhros, because Manwë "would not wholly abandon the Noldor". Tolkien recognises that the Eagles are "deus ex machina", and in this case, the meaning is quite literal.

Then there are the Istari, envoys of the Valar: while there is proof of only Gandalf's success, even just the efforts of one of the Wizards was enough to bring down Sauron.

As for Ulmo, you could argue that he is responsible for the whole Eärendil and Elwing arc - and that it was a job between him and Manwë. It's Manwë's Eagles that bring Huor to Gondolin, and Ulmo later sends Huor's son Tuor into the hidden city. Tuor and Eärendil both get sea-longing in their hearts. During the flight of the survivors of Gondolin, Eagles are again present and bring up the body of Glorfindel, making you wonder whether they would have interfered more in the Balrog fight if Glorfindel had not stepped up to protect the refugees - and Eärendil, the fated saviour of Middle-earth. Also, Ulmo rescues Elwing when she casts herself into the sea, turning her into a bird so that she can fly to find Eärendil. Water and air and birds keep showing up in the stories of Eärendil and Elwing and if that's not proof of Manwë and Ulmo's plotting, I don't know what is. I mean, it's even said in the first pages of the Silmarillion that they are fast friends and closely allied from the beginning! Eärendil becoming a star also in a weird way even combines the elements of Ulmo, Manwë, and Varda: bearing the Silmaril, Eärendil sails an immortal ship in the sea of heaven and stars, forever as a sign of hope to the Children of Ilúvatar.

What about the other Valar? If we keep in mind that they chiefly work through the elements they represent, their abilities to interfere are limited (and this is a self-imposed limitation clearly). Yavanna's creation of the Ents proves to be a pretty great one in The Two Towers, although you can argue to what degree she is influencing the events. More obviously In Shelob's lair, Sam calls for Varda, and the light of the phial of Galadriel comes alive in his hand and smites the great spider, helping Sam to defeat the monster. Also, during Sam and Frodo's desperate march through the hellscape that is Mordor, Sam yearns for a little bit of light and water to hearten him - and lo and behold, he gets these exact things as if Varda and Ulmo personally delivered.

In other words, the Valar are a lot more active in Middle-earth than they get credit for, and they work in subtle and indirect ways because only then can they make sure they don't accidentally kill a lot of the Children.

[evelynmlewis]

getting tired of people being butthurt that Tolkien didn't include a token female dwarf in the Hobbit company or a girl member in the Fellowship or whatever. Tolkien fought in World War I okay, he fought alongside and in the company of other men and his stories are going to reflect that. The book wasn't written in a vacuum and it can be gender-unbalanced without being problematic or sexist, and I don't see why we have to "acknowledge" that it's sexist "by today's standards" because it's literally not even sexist by TODAY'S standards, it just so happens that not everything is about you all the time. "Today's standards" can and should include being intelligent enough to discern the difference between values dissonance and just having a justifiably different context for writing in

[group-dynamic]

Bartender: Hey, man, how's it going?

Me: Yeah, you know, it's good. Just thinking about how Gil Galad's kingship was haunted by Elrond. Like his first great failure after being crowned when he'd barely come of age was showing up too late to stop the destruction of Sirion. How he probably felt a deep personal responsibility to find Elwing's missing boys at least but couldn't even do that. Like, I know he probably got redirected by Cirdan toward all those refugees and stuff, but he probably really wanted a win, especially because he was kinda orphaned by then himself and knew how cruel fate was to the sons of greater destiny. Like all his family who'd been king before him died, like, horrifically? And then when Elrond returns all fine and he comes to Lindon and he's chosen the fate of the elves, Gil Galad's physically haunted by him again. See, but this time he chooses to be haunted by Elrond. Because I think he wants to fix what he sees as his first great failure by restoring a bright future for this kid which was robbed from him when Sirion fell--and it's probably like he wants better for him than what he got, too, because he got this kingship in exile thrust upon him when all he was doing was hanging out with Cirdan making ships or something with the other non-combatants and refugees like he and his mother who were fleeing war and violence and he was like fourth in line to the throne so he probably found out in one fell swoop that all his family's dead and oh, you're king and your destiny's out of your hands. So he's like, I'll make Elrond herald and give him all the experience and guidance on this leadership stuff I never got while also giving him better control of what kind of future he has. Then--get this--he never even marries or has kids and when his reign is coming to an end. . . Which, by the way, he probably foresaw his own death which is fucked-- because he gives Elrond his ring before the war of the last alliance, metaphorically making him his heir and also giving him the opportunity to shape his future. . .Yeah, yeah, cause Elrond wouldn't have been considered suitable to be a lord or a king or anything after he was raised by wolves the sons of Feanor. So when Gil made him herald it was like helping him gain political experience and any status he lost. So anyway, then Gil Galad dies, but in some ways he's spent a greater part of his life dedicated to the act of restoring Elrond to the path he should have been on in an alternate reality where he was raised as Earendil and Elwing's son and like correcting that first failure--but also changing Elrond's fate because Elrond has the ring, like, he literally has Gil Galad's legacy and power in his hands, something he wouldn't have had (or needed?) before. But he decides he won't be king. He'll use that power to guard the place that fulfills the legacies of both him and Gil Galad. He's rebuilt the home he lost, something Gil Galad was trying to give him, and then he makes it a place for all the orphans and the wounded and the refugees--like he even fosters a bunch of future orphan kings and like--

Bartender: Like the ending of Hamilton?

Me: *mumbling into my empty glass* Yeah, exactly like the ending of Hamilton.

[pargolettasworld]

All Quiet On The Western Front: Written by a fellow who fought on the losing side of the Great War.

The Lord Of The Rings: Written by a fellow who fought on the winning side of the Great War.

[aureentuluva70]

You can tell that Tolkien didn't come up with the "Tuor became immortal" thing until quite late in his lifetime solely based on the fact that the Numenoreans would never have let that slide and and would have used it in every single "Why we should get to go to Valinor" argument ever.

[fangirl-erdariel]

Sometimes I wonder what Tolkien would think about the fact that his books have been popular for so long that some of the words in it have started to change meaning

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A bunch of orcs march by, towing a cage with a distraught Saruman in it, and they all start singing:

Orca lorka borkity-boo! We've got a perfect puzzle for you! Orca lorca borketah-bus! You would be wise to listen to us!

What do you get when you live with a sneer, Spying on all through a cursed Palantír? Burning the woods is a terrible crime - Ents will get you ev... ery... time!

Even Wormtongue thinks you're heinous!

Orca lorka borkity-bah! Don't turn to evil and you will go far! When to adventure you have been hurled, Hold to hope that there's still good in this world!

Lord of the Rings ending except it’s Willy Wonka. Frodo throws the one ring in the lava, and Sauron comes out and says you did it my boy and then he gives Mordor to Frodo.