#that's true like just because my own romantic attachments are very few and far between i am not looking and i feel like there's pressure

[cloudsbrainpopped]

tumblr broke on me. i broke tumblr this morning. oh my god. do you know how feral i must've gotten to break tumblr. mad speed.

[kendrixtermina]

WTF happened? A compilation of the Evidence so Far and an attempt at a Nuanced Take.

So, the allegations regarding Rammstein.

I’m going to have to talk about them, both because the band has been a part of my life for so long it’s a family running gag, and for my own damn peace of mind.

I first saw it in an internet news article a few days ago.

My first response was to try as best as I could to suspend judgement.

The last thing I want to do is have any irrational loyalty when its ‘my turn’ to listen to reality over any personal attachment I would have.

However, two things can be true at the same time:

a) A lot of abuse goes on in showbiz & victims are often not believed

b) Crazy stories get made up about people whom the media or politcal movements have listed as “enemy” – and that’s been the case for them a long time.

The media responses have been very black & white, with on the one hand the classic cancellation treatment of ending all contracts and basically un-personing them, and on the other hand you got reports of some unsavory fans running the classic ‘they’re just lying for attention’ script.

(Let’s get this one out of the way real fast: That has never once happened ever. No one just “makes shit up for attention”. At the same time, there’s no fandom that doesn’t have a loony fringe.

I’m also not going to insult your intellect with any variant of ‘why didn’t they come forward earlier’ or ‘if it really happened she would have done x’)

The band itself has put out a statement to ‘not harass or prejudge any of the plaintiffs’ and that they ‘have a right to state their view of things’

I would agree with that, at least.

This is not the trump/tate/kavenaugh esque cannet ‘I don’t know that woman’ or instant ‘DARVO defamation’ that you usually see & sounds more like the people I thought I knew, but on the other hand, what was repeated over all the tabloid articles looked like an open shut case. Supposedly there was roofies involved (which proves intent all in itself) and multiple accusers.

One person might make things up, but multiple people usually means it’s real, as it would be unrealistic for them to have coordinated.

So I decided that I was going to go digging through all the articles & posts etc. I could find to form my own opinion of WTF happened, if nothing else for closure. The articles said a lot of the same things, but they were vague. At least, I wanted the gory details.

I’m just going to record my findings so far mostly for my own peace of mind & emotional processing, and for anyone who might be wondering what to think.

I’m just going to go through various different data points in ascending order of severity & perceived credibility.

Keep in mind, this is not a finished opinion, I am really processing out loud, still letting things settle, and waiting for further revelations that could easily change everything.

I want as much as I can to remain open to any new evidence thatmight still pour in.

0. The Music

First let’s get the (albeit mostly irrelevant) elephant out of the way:

Yes, the songs/lyrics depict copious violence that is often sexual in nature, but it’s very much in an ‘fascination with the disturbing’ kind of way that grounds inself in a clear understanding that what’s depicted is, in fact, disturbing. It’s often told from the PoV of the perpetrator but if you analyze the lyrics with basic reading comprehension you’ll see that it’s self-aware about being carnography (that is the overlap between horror, gore and porn) – the perp’s twisted rationalizations will be lampshaded and hints at the victim’s pain strewn in.

It’s like ‘Lolita’ – it’s told from the crazy person’s PoV in their romantic fetishistic detail, but the author wants you to piece together what ‘actually’ happened and strews in hints.

That was supposedly the joy of it, that there was depht to find, interpret & analyze get this ‘delayed-action scare’ from.

It’s self-aware, which actual glorification isn’t – that sounds more like ‘bitch actually wanted it’ or ‘she was asking for it’ rather than ‘no one hears her cry’ or having the perp turn around a picture of Jesus so it doesn’t see his wicked deeds.

So it seems… incongruent, to me, that the person who wrote this doesn’t get that roofie-ing someone is bad.

As an artist myself I of course want to believe that a person’s true soul is reflected and immortalized in their art, but there’s nothing more dangerous than thinking oneself immune to deception, wouldn’t be the first hypocrite.

So I really did have a huge moment of thinking,… “Was it all a lie?” Did this art that I loved and was probably the biggest influence on my writing style just never really exist?

I’d certainly feel disapointed, humbled and betrayed, as if all the jeers of those who gave me the side eye for liking dark content had been confirmed.

Well, the truth doesn’t care what I think, it’s not about me, but the potential victims. So I am going to put all these feelings in a box.

But it’s worth noting that, despite the bombastic stage persona and having starred in hardcore sadomaso porn, Till was always described by everyone who knew him as a shy, polite and intelligent person in his personal life.

Wouldn’t be the first asshole whom everyone thought was “so nice”, but you can’t use the music as an argument for that.

1. The Parties.

That there were parties for potential groupies, I believe at once. It’s corroberated by many reports going years back and the part that everyone agrees on. You’d be stupid not to believe it. It does fit his impulsive, disinhibited character.

However, and I know some here are gonna have different values about this: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that so long as everyone involved was a consenting adult.

A lot of the so-called “dozens” of reports including kayla the youtuber were basically just people realizing it’s a sex thing & getting uncomfortable or offended about the very fact that it was a sex thing & that there were women willingly throwing themselves at Till.

I don#t doubt that they freaked out, got a fright and felt unsafe, but when you filter about the influence of their racing thoughts, uncomfy brain & ‘bad vibes’, most of these situations are pretty much nothingburgers. Full rooms with numerous witnesses were people were just drinking & having fun. Obviously you can’t bring phones to orgies, tat would jeopardize ppl’s privacy.

I’m not saying they were lying about feeling unsafe, but I think we can all think of examples for how feeling safe and being safe are two pairs of shoes.

There were many people who actually were at those parties posting on reddit or getting interviewed on youtube describing great consensual sex and/or just fun atmosphere so IDK how much of their perception of ‘weird atmosphere’ is just projection of their own discomfort.

I’m not saying this because I don’t want to see the truth, this has always been my opinion. I never got people investing great significance in age gaps once everyone is past the ‘adult’ threshold or generally flattening the whole spectrum of human interaction into simple flat power dynamics with an unassailablemaster & mind-controlled slave.

I’ve gone to sex parties; Heck, when I was 20 I got shitfaced & screwed a much older dude and I found both those experiences not only positive but healing.

It bothers me how the entire interiority choice & angency of willing participants is just erased and its just blanket declared that they can’t know what they want. So far, everyone I’ve heard of as being involved was an adult even if they were young, we’re not talking about children and it’s demeaning to act as if they were.

I’m not defending a rich old dude; I’ve little hope of ever being one. I’m defending myself, as someone who has been a young woman, and wound like to have the right to determine what my experiences mean & not have others tell me. I think if someone wants to take advantage of a chance to screw someone they view as extremly desirable and get a piece of some powerful guy using the limited resource of their attractiveness, they should get to. It’s practically animal instinct.

I don’t think inviting someone somewhere to possibly hit on them in harassment; It only becomes harassment if you don’t go away if they say no, or use threat/coersion.

He ‘picked’ the ones he’d actually be interested in but that would only have the sort of character the news are depicting it as if there was then coersion, not just an offer.

In the bulk of the reports he would hit on ppl but immediately accept it & back away if they said no, and the people who reported feeling uncomfortable all left with no problem without being pushed or forced to anything; Everyone was free to leave the ‘suckbox’ at any time.

That, of course,  is the next big question. Did any of that take place. Just because some had a great experience doesn’t mean others can’t have had awful ones.

2. The Shelby & Kayla Stories

So, here I am mostly dissapointed at the media.

There were multiple people on reddit, tumblr, youtube or newspaper (some showing their real life face, or having video of the event) who were on the same party in Vilnius. It’s not just one person claiming something but testimonies acting up

The vodka was opened before the eyes of all the guests and all of them drank from the same bottles

According to her friends, Shelby is on a SSRI medication that can interfere with alcohol & apparently the combination explains all the symptoms she had

She started drinking early & acted quite inebriated (probably due to the meds interference), at one point she bumped into the stage & ran into things – this probably explains the bruise

While there was some smashing of glasses, it was more of a ritual that was often done at  parties, like Till would start smashing his Vodka glass fter finishing it & everyone else would join in.

Shelby left early & wasn’t even there for the last of the party

Even she clearly stated that a) no one touched her b) Till respected it & moved on when she refused his advances c) she saw nothing being done to anyone else while she was there

Most likely conclusion: There was never any roofies, her meds are to blame.

I would presume she woke up the next day, only remembering fragments at first, and panicked. I can’t even blame her. It’s super common for ppl to mistakenly think they might have been spiked after having too much to drink.  

She isn’t ‘lying’, she merely jumped to conclusions, though she could have checked with her friends first before putting it on the internet, I can’t blame her for panicking under the circumstances.

Honestly it’s logical to assume it was the last guy who hit on her.

The is important insofar as it puts a different light on everything that follows when others saw her post & were asked about if anyone had similar experiences.

Ovsly ppl took this seriously & began re-evaluating experiences in the light of that possibility in a low-key mass panic.

This is especially relevant for the casus Kayla – Facebook posts show she had a “good time” at the concert despite noping out of the sex thing (before Till even arrived) but after that I suppose she began to worry if any of the other girls she saw might have been drugged.

3. The Italian Man Story

You know, the super gross one with the big bowl of ‘mysterious cocktails’ and the band members fighting over some girl.

It’s fiction on par with the ‘hilary clinton trafficking ring’.

It’s deliberately engineered to be schocking & trigger your emotions but when you think about it, it doesn’t add up logically. Even if everything else were done & they’re all guilty this probably still didn’t happen because, for starters, if multiple ambulances had been called, the fucking certainly wouldn’t have continued as the paramedics showed up. There would at least have been something about drunken people passing out at a concert.

Also the ‘bowl with mysterious cocktails personally prepared by Till’ looks like a plot hint in a book.

You can’t get accurate dosages by putting into into a bowl and a whole room was drugged at once they couldn’t have walked home.

Plus the ‘italian man’ is too busy presenting himself as a hero rather than describe himself being realistically shocked.

I’m surprised Spiegel printed this, though I suppose any claims are in the public interest.

4. The Anonymous Reports from the Reportage

Now comes the serious part however, because these I believe are 100% true, were compiled by serious journalists,  and probably happened exactly as described – they’re anonymous, so the women have nothing to gain. Plus, the reports sound like authentic memories in exciting or traumatic situations: The order may be jumbled but there are exact details down to what people were thinking or exact words that were said.

There is just no honest reason to assume otherwise.

That said, the snippets of them that were taken out into other articles/tablids were WAY out of context – with an important exception (which I will discuss as its own bullet point), most of the people questioned considered what took place a good experience at the time, told their friends of a ‘good time’, though some had their doubts or regrets later on when the discussions began or friends had different opinions on it.

The person that supposedly had vaginal bleeding actually had some condition that made vaginal intercourse harder but then they ended up doing it anyway apparently at her suggestion – Till is said to have asked several times if it’s ok.

In general there is talk/communication going on in these

While two people did speak of memory gaps or fragmented memories, it seems from the circumstances and the detailled way  things were described that it was just booze.

And it was not, as you might get from the out-of-context quote, some unconscious person being molested on a floor somewhere but rather there was back & forth talking like he was always asking “Is that ok”, “may I do this?” “Should we stop?” etc.

That’s not something you do if you don’t care about the other person, their consent or their enjoyment.

Even so, if the two ended up concluding later that they were probably too drunk & partially weren’t sure what was happening, the sex probably shouldn’t have happened.

He fucked up, no question.

Chances are he was intoxicated, too, but while I have said before that all this supposed ‘power imbalance’ alk doesn’t negate free will, I do think it creates a greater responsibility on his part to ensure their well-being and greater accountability.

Still this rather looks like he misjudged how drunk they were rather than deliberately taking advantage of an unconscious person, the latter is a misrepresentation by the media.

5. THAT one report

Then there is the unambiguous ‘nightmare story’ where there can be no doubt that the girl found it traumatic.

Apparently she clenched up (ostensibly vaginismus) and the whole sex was painful, which she was embarassed to say however, so she just waited for it to be over out of a mix of being stunned and not wanting to lose her one special chance with him.

I think we can all agree that this kind of thing should never happen.

She explicitly says she choose not to say anything, however. – which is NOT to say that its “her own fault” or that she “should have spoken up” but rather, though the damage is the same, there is a different between accident, negligence, manslaughter & murder, degrees of culpability.

In a legal sense it probably wouldn’t count as rape (that requires ‘visible refusal’) but it certainly wasn’t enthusiastic consent either. But this is kind of exactly why education is so important because besides fight & flight there ARE those fawn & freeze responses & if you’re not attentive enough you could  trigger your partner into ‘just putting up with it’ without meaning to /realizing. People don’t notice their gf’s saying nothing about painful sex all the time there were tons of articles about it not too long ago.

Whatever you want to label it she had a shitty, possibly damaging experience that could have been prevented, and that would have been his responsibility to avoid.

So no, he did not ‘do nothing wrong’ The onus was on him, especially as someone active in the BDSM scene he should know the important of safewords, commination & aftercare.

He fucked up, the whole enterprise should have been sanity checked because even if some vibed with it & had a good time, you just shouldn’t ever be triggering people’s fight-or-flight responses in a bedroom situation.  There shouldn’t even be a risk of that because if there is there might be people like this girl or the two too-drunk ones.

Ultimately, though, this is still night and day compared to the story going through the media right now with the roofies.

There’s a big difference from someone who thinks others wellbeing doesn’t matter than one who think it does but fucked up.

But ultimately this goes further than Till as a person. This isnt even really about him. 

It’s more like – no one wants this. I don’t think he wanted this. But how do we as a society deal with it?

Because I think it’s very important that those girls should be able to talk about their experiences. Feedback should be given and socuety should be percolated by an understanding that this is not ok.

At the same time, at present we only seem to have the options of exhonoration or ostracism – which creates an incentive to DARVO and victim-blame to avoid the total destruction of ostracism in a population that is usually low on scruples.

With cases like trump or tate, the issue is clear: Those don’t think they’re doing anything wrong eyond lipservice & will just keep doing it again & again; Complete ostracism, unpersoning & refusal to ever platform them again really is the only answer, there is no reflection, talking sense or expecting behavior changes from those.

But what about situations where you have someone who nominally believes in consent but fails to apply it & walks away thinking the situation was mutually enjoyable? IT’s kind of like the Melanie Martizez case. More ambiguous, really, because she was reported even by consenting partners to be rather pushy whereas here we have someone who ostensibly has a habit of asking ‘is this ok’ ‘may I do that’, ‘are you ok’ etc but did it a few times too few.

Someone who fucked up but didn’t want to. What do we do with these? Whenever anyone brings up the possibility of ‘misreading signals’ or something it’s told off as an excuse but it’s a genuine worry people have.

The closest conceot we have for that is maybe what you do if someone had a stronger reaction to or felt triggered by some BSDM thing & that needs to be talked out & corrected but in that case theres a more direct feedback loop…

One thing is clear: We can’t have situations where ppl feel triggered or unsafe or have bad experiences like this.

Apparently consequences have already been drawn and the parties things in cancelled forever anyways & everyone involved got a wakeup call. (as per Christoph’s recent post which more or less reflects similar conclusions to my analysis here – and I am still holding out on forming conclusions, really, but what I heard there at least sounds like the intelligent, differentiated people I thought I knew, though I’m not ready to remove that ‘thought’ yet )

I mean, the band themselves is lying in the bed they made but I’m feeling sorry for, well, the victims of course, but also loyal fans who may forgive what actually happened but everyone around them thinks the tabloid version took place. (which if it were true would have been burn-in-hell territory)

Sigh. The world is complicated and exhausting and human beings hurt each other so much all the time for stupid reasons and we can never ever have nice things.

[kariachi]

Some bedding and bedroom stuff for my various species because why the fuck not

Perison

Typically sleep communally in separate beds

Masters of the floor mattress (look, we’ve seen the size of them, at 11 Kevin was smaller than Kwarrel’s arm, what the fuck sorta bedframe are they gonna use?) which is the most similar, on average, to what we’d recognize as a mattress

Wandering Herds typically have four to six men per wagon, depending on the size of the wagon, with small chests for daily-use personal items at the heads of beds

There’s wagons dedicated to storing non-daily use items

Teenagers typically are grouped together by when they joined the herd and so by age as a result, but as they’re free to come and go after a few years once they hit true adulthood the range of ages in a wagon can vary wildly

In Settled Herds your average household will have three or four large bedrooms- the husband’s room, the wives’ room, and the children’s room(s)- the latter of which may be divided by sex or age if there’s a second room at all

Wealthier families may have more rooms and be able to split by generation as well

Babies and toddlers typically bunk with their mothers, moving into the children’s room at about 4/5

Married men are the only group that can generally expect to have a private room long term (assuming, of course, they aren’t sharing with a father/son-in-law)

Traditionally and in more rural areas still married men’s rooms are at the center of the home and open onto a private courtyard that’s only accessible through their rooms, in urban areas this has translated to top floor rooms and the sole key to the roof and control of the gardens there

Married men also tend to have their own bathroom (in the modern age it is not unusual for them to send their still-wandering friends and relatives pictures and a ‘there’s benefits to marriage’)

Bedding, blankets, and the like generally is made from plant-based fibers and/or wool- the latter being very common for things like baby clothes and wives’ beds because are less likely to try to eat it- and while synthetics became far more common for a while there they’ve fallen out of favor and are now fairly rare, mostly restricted to poorer families and herds who can’t afford to replace them

Osmosians

Sort’ve a cross between communal and individual sleepers, though still with separate beds

It all depends on the person, how old they are, and whether they’re living with kin

An adult living outside of their clan dens may den alone, may den with any romantic partners, or with members or children of their Nesting if they’re part of one

Private dens, outside of clan dens, typically consist of a more public sitting space onto which is attached a smaller den large enough for 2-3 individuals to sleep or up to three 1-person dens

An adult living within their clan dens may also den alone or in those small groupings, but it’s less common- while you will find some of the more private style of den, most are just sleeping spaces large enough to house anywhere from four to eight people each, depending on the clan

Dens, in this context, consist of a dug out space just large enough for a number of beds equal to the presumed number of occupants, with one or more spaces dug into the walls to hold chests containing personal belongings (though areas with bed frames often seen things stored under them as well)

Whether or not bed frames are used varies by area, and as with most things made by Ossys when they do exist they’re made of stone or metal more often than not

Bedding, for most on Osmos V, consists of piles of hide layered together to make a comfortable cushion, with items made from plant-based fibers being more common nearer to major water sources, and those with ties to off-world trade having more ready access to imports like furs and synthetic materials

Of course things are different for the little children

Osmosian nests are scrapes formed from stone and metal and chicks stay in them with their dam for about their first half year Ossy time (so, about 15 months Earth time)

At that point they get moved into the creche proper, where they’re sleeping on larger, less easily stuck in one’s mouth, stones until they get passed their first birthday, when they graduate to sleeping on hide

At 3 (~7-8 Earth time) they move from the creche and begin sleeping in the same dens as their parents

At 6-7 (~15-18 Earth time) they move into dens with a few cousins or siblings if available, if not they continue to share dens with their parents until they’ve reached at least 8 (~20 Earth time) and can begin living as adults, and if they do move in with siblings or cousins then it’s entirely possible and common for them to continue to live like that as adults for at least a few more years

Erinaens

I don’t think the words ‘separate beds’ have been spoken on Eri other than by Osmosians in hushed whispers, fuckers are the most communal of sleepers

An Erinaen household typically only has one bedroom, two is a big house, and three is just showing off

The entire family sleeps in that room, though yes Erinaen buildings tend to have something similar to a mezzanine (only the one per room, however), it’s still a space the size of your average Ossy sleeping den with typically at least another half dozen people in it, these bastards cram and pile

Take a second for that, a space that fits three Osmosians in separate beds will fit over a dozen Erinaens in a sprawling mass of fur and quills

In areas that get truly cold households may come together into one space for the winter- often either 1) groups of siblings and cousins who leave near each other and don’t yet have families of their own, 2) intermarried groups with no or only a handful of free-range children between them, 3) elderly groups of friends and family with no more children between them- allowing them to accumulate body heat to stave off the winter

Body heat is the major source of home heating amongst Erinaens

Bedrooms, like all rooms, tend to have shelves carved into the walls to house personal and family items

Bedding is... have you ever looked inside a packrat midden? It’s that.

Start again- traditional bedding amongst Erinaens consists of a thick layer of leaves, fur, and feathers covering the whole of the floor, with colder regions also often having furs and lengths of cloth used to supplement the household’s body heat

On Eri at least, while they’ve heard of mattresses, they really don’t see the benefit- yes it keeps things from getting stuck in your quills, but it’s another thing to clean in comparison to just being able to haul everything out and toss it when it starts to smell or get insects or spring comes back around because like fuck you went and re-bedded the bedroom during winter

Lenopan (yes! they get to be on the list for the first time! clap for them!)

Not traditionally communal sleepers as adults

Dams will share a room in the children’s house with their latest clutch until they’re about 4-5 years old, then move back into their main house with said children

Children typically share a room with their clutchmates and/or similarly aged cousins living in the same house, until their mid-to-late teens, when they start being split off to their own rooms

While you get communal nappers, they tend to prefer to properly sleep alone- likely a leftover from their solitary predator ancestors

Bedrooms are more spacious than for Ossys or Erinaens, and often serve also as personal spaces to get away from family, work on personal projects, have some damn privacy, that sort’ve thing

In drier areas, it’s not uncommon to have a small, shallow pool of water in one corner of the room, to keep the humidity up, though off the homeworld this is typically replaced with a humidifier or misting system

Bedding, as we know it, isn’t really a thing among Lenopan, typically an individual will decide on their favorite sleeping spot, not put shit there, and that’s mostly that, but to fit personal preference their equivalent is temporary inserts, often coming in pieces you can install yourself to your own ideal, in a variety of materials and textures which are put together in an individual’s preferred sleeping spot to cover the floor and walls as preferred

Your typical bedroom is made of smooth, closely laid tile, uniform and cool to the touch, though concrete is also sometimes used, especially in children’s rooms

It’s harder to do inserts for children’s rooms, but most decent families will put in the effort to try to work something out so they can all be comfortable, even if that means having to split them up early because two or more just can’t share a living space

[zvnphoria]

- how being koko’s best friend would be like

a/n - had too much fun with this. THIS IS VERY LONG UM. this is an apology for being inactive.

contains - fluff, teeny bit of angst, just platonic because YEAH, fem!reader, implied strong reader, reader has mommy issues (definitely not projecting), reader had a friendship with akane and looked up to her like an older sister

you and hajime go way back since you were kids. you two met in an interesting way but not necessarily in a good one.

you were walking to the nearest park to get out of your crazy house because your mom kept screaming at you over the littlest thing again. you forgot to wash the dishes (you didn’t necessarily forget that’s for sure). you stopped once you saw a boy around your age getting beaten up by some older kids. his hand gripped tightly on what looked like a school bag and protected it like his life depended on it.

it didn’t matter anymore because you had just knocked out both of the bullies in no time without a thought— almost as if it was normal to you. when you looked at the boy, he had blood going down from his forehead to his cheek, heavily panting and on the verge of passing out. he’s not the fighting type, huh. luckily you had a towel wrapped around your neck since you had just gotten out of the shower when you walked out your house, you weren’t gonna spend much time at the park anyways

you kneeled down and wiped the dripping blood off his face and noticed a bigger figure running towards you both. it was.. a girl?

“hajime-kun! what happened here?!” she panicked as she checked your surroundings

“akane-san.. it’s no big deal i promise..”

“no big deal?! i knew something was up when you rushed the other way. and my bag also happened to be missing! why didn’t you ask for help? you don’t need to be independent all the time.”

“and you,” she began, making eye contact with you

“are you okay? are you hurt?”

“no no! i’m fine don’t worry.”

“she was actually the one who knocked them out, akane-san,”

the older girl looked at the unconscious bullies, then back at you with shock and amazement in her eyes

“you did this? that’s amazing!” she says as she quickly takes your hands and wraps it around hers

“uh.. yes i promise it’s really not a big deal. i’ve dealt through worse, trust me,” you say as you gaze at the direction of your house

“worse or not this is still definitely something! even i cant beat someone up, and i’m way older than you!” she chuckled

“well it’s not like you have the heart to do something like that, akane-san,” the boy comments

“hahah you’re right, you’re right. anyways we should get going now��� the sun is gonna set very soon, and you should get home as well. is your house nearby? we can walk you if you’d like,”

even ‘til this day you still don’t know why you didn’t decline her offer. was it because she was nice? it didn’t matter anymore, because if you had declined, you wouldn’t get to meet such amazing people.

it’s been a few months after meeting hajime and akane, and you had also met akane’s younger brother who was your age— seishu! you four would often hang out, whether it was at the inui home or at hajime’s house. getting to know them was pretty fun, and very interesting because a certain someone had a crush on akane.

it was definitely not seishu because they’re siblings and that’s just weird, definitely not you because akane had reminded you of your older sister who was almost never in your life, so that only left one choice— hajime.

his crush on her was so painfully obvious that you couldn’t stand seeing him try to impress her every now and then. he even ditched his glasses and bought contacts just for her to compliment him! he’s whipped huh..

one day you decided to help him out a little with his crush. it was another day of your usual hang outs except this time it was at your local mall! akane’s birthday was coming up and you three had collectively agreed to take her to the mall and see if she would see anything she’d like. turns out she was eyeing some platforms with red on the bottoms, and you took notice.

seishu dragged her to go to the food court with him because he was “hungry” so you and hajime took the chance to buy the heels. you were both now at the cash register, waiting for the register person

“i don’t understand you,” you began

“i don’t understand why you like her so much. i mean— i get that’s she’s amazing and nice and pretty and all but.. there’s another reason why you like her. something must’ve happened for you to be so attached to her so what is it?” you meant no harm with this question whatsoever. you were simply curious and that’s all.

before he answered, he smiled to himself and looked back at you

“she’s the only one that makes me feel not under pressure all the time. she’s the one who constantly reminds me that i shouldn’t be so independent and that i should always ask for help.” as you took a breath in to reply, he stopped you

“before you say anything, i know. i know she doesn’t like me. i know she’s just being nice. but there’s nothing wrong with a one-sided crush right?” he grins

even though he was beaming with a smile in front of you, you knew. you knew this wasn’t how he truly felt. you knew that deep down he was hurt but it was understandable. after all, he was just a kid wasn’t he? you saw right through him.

it was a shame after what happened the next couple of weeks after that conversation. it all happened so fast and none of you were prepared for it. you weren’t prepared for the incident that had happened to akane. a few days before it occurred, koko proudly told you that he was planning to confess and you were way against it.

“huh?! but i need to get this off my chest, y/n! i don’t care if she rejects me or not!”

“haji, i have a bad feeling about this.. i’m serious. you know how i always get bad feelings and they turn out to be true!”

he groaned and scooted far from where he was originally sitting which was right next to you. you sigh and got up to sit down next to him and laid your head on his shoulder so he wouldn’t escape

“i just don’t want you to get your hopes up, that’s all.” deep down you knew the truth. akane wasn’t interested in boys one bit despite all the confessions she had received almost every week.

“fine. you have a point. but im still going with this,”

all you could do was do nothing but let him. oh how you wished you protested more, because in return all he got was a huge burden on his shoulders.

“please ma’am, just please tell me what room akane inui and seishu inui are in,” you shouted as tears were rolling down on your cheeks. “107, right down the hall and take a left ‘hon”

you bowed and quickly made your way into the room. as you burst the door open, your eyes immediately go on seishu who looked so sad to the point where he didn’t even bother to look up at you. you hug him with a feeling of relief flowing in your body, but soon that feeling was gone when you asked where akane was.

you stood outside the door, not knowing why your feet couldn’t move. what’s wrong, y/n? her voice rang your ears. go on, don’t worry i’ll be right here next to you and if you get scared, just hold my hand! right. that was the time you were at a “haunted” house together and you were scared to go in. why are you being reminded of this right now?

you gulped and slowly opened the doorknob and found a crying boy in front of you, hands grabbing on the sheets with his head on the edge of the bed. you couldn’t do anything. all you could do was sit next to him with your head resting on his shoulder while you were crying.

a few years after that, you both acted as if nothing had happened. not because you wanted to forget akane, but because you knew akane would’ve wanted you both to continue living on without her.

despite not dating, you two would always have couple tendencies like feeding food to eachother or hugging often but you’re just THAT close to the point you can probably kiss without feeling any romantic attraction whatsoever

you couldn’t hang out with him as much anymore because of all the gang related things he’s doing. to make it up to you, he knocks on your window late at night and sleeps over most of the time. you talk to him about the usual— have you been eating? you should get more rest. and so on.

you were the one who got him to start wearing eyeliner! at first he just looked at you with a confused face when you handed him it as his present, but then you explained that if he wants to go fully dedicated to the black dragons, the wings of the eyeliner would represent the wings of the dragon. he didn’t wear it at first, all he did was ruffle your hair and said he’d think about it— and he kept his word! so now he’s the iconic money-making genius that wears eyeliner.

after all that’s happened between you two, there isn’t a single awkward moment you share. you know those friends who bring up an adult related topic out of completely nowhere? you two were those friends.

“i was walking by an alley and i heard a girl getting fucked,” he says while chewing the piece of gum you handed to him

“..and??”

“i’ve never walked away so fast in my life.”

there are days where you’re sad but, of course, you don’t tell him. in fact you don’t need to tell him because he’ll know when you’re upset.

“so are ya gonna tell me what’s wrong?” he says as he rests his head on your thighs

“ugh how do you always know..”

“because we’ve been together for the longest, duh.”

he doesn’t show it much, but he cares for you more than you think he does. overprotective and can’t help but show it at times, but don’t worry! he’s doing it because he loves you. remembers the littlest things you talk about and are interested in. he’s also constantly on the lookout so that you don’t get hurt or even worse.

when he’s the one who’s upset, you immediately know. he’s quieter than usual, zoning out a lot and just not paying attention to what you’re saying to him, almost like he’s in his own little world. before you initiate a conversation, you play with his hair so he’ll feel comfortable as a way for you to convince him to tell you what’s wrong.

even though it happened such a long time ago, he still thinks about her. you cant blame him, you do too! if you were to describe your best friend with one sentence, the first thing that would pop up in your head was weak little boy. not weak as in physically weak, but weak as in mentally weak. he can’t help but get emotional when it comes to her, which is understandable.

“it’s not your fault, hajime. she left you with no proper closure, and now you’re carrying guilt and burden on your shoulders. anyone would feel the same or even worse in your position.”

he didn’t respond but he doesn’t need to. all that matters to him is that you’re next to him, comforting him with your kind words like you always do. you both have some differences which caused a few arguments, but in the end you would still be best friends.

speaking of arguments, you argue either over the dumbest things ever or over serious topics. one time you got mad at him because he was beating you in a video game and his smug expression was not helping at all. you kicked him out of your house because you were just THAT frustrated. you felt guilty so you decided to walk to his house and apologize but stopped once you saw a certain figure trying to climb up to your window.

in the start of the serious argument, it was completely something different than what you were yelling at each other about now.

he showed up at your house with your favorite boba and snacks. you demanded him to put those down.

“hajime. food— no. MONEY cant keep me happy forever, and that also applies to you!”

“then what else am i supposed to do?!” his voice started getting weak. he was never the type to argue because he’d always get emotional.

“what am i other than a money-making genius? other than a wallet?”

“i cant do anything about my situation, y/n. nothing. because that’s all i am. just a stupid wallet for everyone to use.” he says about to walk away until you grab his sleeve to stop him.

“that’s not even true. you’re so much more than that, hajime. i’m sorry.. i’m so sorry.” you were crying into his chest and he couldn’t help but cry with you.

he spoils you 100%, no doubt. there was a point in life where you would always decline but you had just gotten so used to the offer that you got tired of fighting back. i mean, how could you? he was so willing and eager and most importantly HAPPY to do this for you.

hajime cant drive motorcycles and you constantly tease him about it, which he just responds to you by squeezing your cheeks together so you could shut up. the bad thing about this is that you guys always have to walk or go on a bus to the specific place you’re going to which is pretty tiring at times. although that doesn’t matter because what matters is that you both have each other.

back to the overprotective part.. you got called by this boy to meet him at the rooftop by the end of school and you already knew what was about to go down because of your shoujo manga reading sessions. the first thing you did was call hajime and he immediately got there to warn you about what you were gonna get yourself into.

“don’t you already have someone you like??”

“uh.. no?”

“i couldve sworn you liked that ‘tora dude..”

“keep your mouth shut!”

“…so you’re gonna reject him right?”

and you did! nicely, of course. hajime advised you should make come off as mean so he wouldn’t bother you again but you just ignored him and pretended like you didn’t hear anything.

being his best friend contains some ups and downs, but that’s the point of true friendships— it’ll never be perfect.

[dreamersdreamloud]

Love in This Club (V-Day)

Lena Luthor x Reader 

“Sam. Why can’t we just stay in? I don’t mind spending time with you and Ruby here tonight.” 

Lena’s best friend ignored her and continued to look through the closet for the perfect outfit for the night. Lena doesn’t mind going out but hates going out on this specific day. Valentine’s Day. 

If the raven haired was being honest, she hates this day. She hates seeing couples doing couple activities on this special day. Lena just doesn’t understand why couples needed to express their love so much on this day. Why can’t people just express their love everyday or any other day as the same as valentines? 

Sam throws a black scandalous dress at Lena. 

“Seriously?! Why this one?” 

“Because you.” Sam pokes Lena’s forehead. “Need to find yourself a hottie in the club who can make you forget your name and what day it is. So you need to look fuckable tonight.” 

“Sam!” 

“Nope. No excuses. You need to get laid. Don’t  worry about Ruby. The babysitter just texted me and she’s currently waiting for her to get home from her friend’s house.” 

Lena didn’t bother to argue with her again and headed straight to the bathroom to get ready. Hopefully she can just drink the night away. 

***

The flashing red and pink heart shaped lights in the club were a bit overwhelming. The loud music was tolerable and the drinks were alright for you to stay for a while. You were forced to go to the club against your will. Your friends didn’t want you to stay in tonight. You sit uncomfortably in the booth filled with your friends and their dates. Your friends tried very hard to make it feel like just another night at the club but it was hard to ignore due to the theme and music choice of the night. 

You appreciate their efforts but you didn’t want to ruin their night trying to satisfy your loneliness. You excused yourself to use the restroom but in reality to make your way to the bar to get herself a stronger drink. After a healthy sip of your drink, you unbutton a few buttons on your dress shirt and run your hand through your hair to loosen it up. 

You glanced at your watch and thought about purchasing another glass and then leaving for the night. You didn’t want to stay out too long since you have work the next day. 

“Whiskey neat, please.” 

An angelic voice made your ears perk up. You’re not the only one having a rough night, you thought to yourself. You look at the woman not too far from you. A black tight dress hugs her stunning glass figure. Her jet black hair fits her matching bright red lipstick. She basically screams “fuck me, I’m hot.” 

She caught you staring but you didn’t turn away. It must be the alcohol in your system for your stupid actions. You winked at the woman and simply looked away to face down your drink. The raven haired was surprised that you didn’t turn away so quickly and it was bold of you to send a wink at her but not come and flirt around. 

A tall dark gentleman sneaks up behind the raven haired and puts his hands on her waist. You knew it was too good to be true that a hot woman like that would be single. Little did you know, that guy is not her boyfriend. 

“Hey, sexy. I’ve been looking for you. Wanna finish that drink and get back on the dance floor?” 

Clearly, Lena didn’t feel comfortable being manhandled nor being told what to do. She wants this night to be over and she sees that her glass is almost empty. Lena doesn’t want to go back to the dance floor especially not with the guy who is holding her.

If you didn’t know any better, the woman looks like she needs another drink to deal whatever she’s in. You told the bartender to make another drink for the raven haired beauty and put it on your tab. 

The bartender made the drink in seconds and placed it in front of Lena. She was puzzled by the new drink in front of her and the bartender just tilted his head to the side to point out to you that you were the one with the kind gesture. Lena sees you getting ready to leave while the man behind Lena felt offended. 

The man let’s go of Lena and makes his way to you. He gripped your shoulder for your attention. You force yourself to turn to the jackass for grabbing you. The guy wasn't that tall, probably just a few inches and he looks much more buffed up close. 

“What’s your problem, man?” You gritted your teeth. Clearly you don’t like being bothered. 

“You’re the fool who bought my girl a drink.” 

“And?” The annoyance grew within you, seeing no point on the kind gesture towards the woman. 

“James! Let her be. She was just being kind.” The raven haired tries to pull the man off you but instead he shoves you. You held yourself in place and shoved him back with more strength. James takes a chance to swing his fist at you but you dodge it and deck his face. 

The people around didn’t seem to notice. It was all too quick. The bartenders called security and immediately apprehend the man to kick him out of the club. You make your way to leave again but someone grab your shoulder again. 

“Hey! I- um sorry about him.” The raven haired beauty says. 

“It’s cool. Sorry about your boyfriend. You deserve better.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend. I just barely know the guy. We just met and I thought he was a good catch.” 

“Oh. Well I’m still sorry for ruining anything special for this day. Enjoy your night, Miss.” 

Lena quickly gets in front of you to prevent you from leaving. 

“I’m Lena. Do mind if we get to know each other? You technically saved me from a regrettable night and I just wish to-” 

“I’m (Y/N). Do you mind if I buy you another drink?” 

The raven haired smiles and grabs your hand to lead you back to the bar. The two of you continued to drink and get to know each other better. You found out that Lena is a CEO of L-Corp which you can’t believe. Her best friend dragged her to the club to get yourself laid which failed badly. 

You told Lena that you’re from the military and that you’ll be staying in National city for a while until your next tour. It explained why you were much faster and stronger than James. Lena and you were getting really comfortable with each other. Lena was inching closer and closer until she was close enough to just focus on your face. It was getting harder for you to talk normally to Lena. due to you staring at her full red lips. 

“(Y/N)!” One of your best guy friends spots you. Lena raises her eyebrow at you. 

“We were looking for you all over this club! Seems like you kept yourself busy.” He continues to say and notice the closeness between Lena and you. 

“Oh. I was about to leave-”

“Hello, I’m Lena. (Y/N) was planning to leave soon and rejoin you guys.” 

You looked at Lena with confusion but you didn’t reply fast enough. 

“Oh! Why don’t you join us?! (Y/N), bring your girl to our table. I’m just going to grab new drinks for everyone.” 

You nodded and held Lena’s hand to lead the way to the table of your friends. Your friends stop talking when they see you and a stranger attached to you. You introduce Lena to your friends and their partners. There wasn’t enough room to fit another person beside you but it wasn’t a problem to Lena. Lena sits on your lap and makes herself comfortable. 

Your friends were keeping a close eye on you and were very impressed. A sexy woman like Lena is sitting on your lap with an arm around your neck. You continued to drink and socialize. Lena’s head rests on your neck. 

The alcohol and music were helping the two get lost in your own world. It feels nice to be holding onto Lena and she felt the same as well. Soon, the two capture each other’s lips. You could taste the whiskey on her lips. The kiss heated up and Lena wasn’t afraid to grind into your lap. 

Your hand moves between Lena’s legs and touches her fabric covering her pussy. Lena gasped at the touch and you discovered how wet she is for you. 

“Very bold of you to make a move like that on a woman you just met.” Her warm breath in your ear makes you feel fuzzy. 

You went further and started rubbing her clothed clit with two fingers. A breathy moan fills your ear and Lena holds onto you tightly. 

“I may have just met you but I plan to discover every inch of you if you let me.” 

“Fuck. I’ll let you if we leave this instant.” She says. 

You smirk and stand up with Lena. You didn’t say anything to your friends and just pulled Lena with you to head to the exit. Your friends know exactly what’s going to happen and they’re happy that you’re going to feel loved on Valentine’s Day. 

“You didn’t say bye to your friends.” Lena says. 

“Don’t need to. They all know that I’m going fuck you for the rest of the night and I hope I make me you forget your name.” 

If Lena wasn’t  aroused before, she sure is now. 

*** 

You landed beside the messy raven haired after you removed the strap-on. Lena curls up next to you and throws her arm around your chest and buries her face in your neck. 

“You’re so good with the strap, I swear I don’t think I’m able to cum for a few days.” She smiles against your sensitive bitten skin. 

“Mm. I take that as a compliment. For you being a CEO and all . . . You’re such a needy bottom.” 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Darling.” 

“Happy Valentine’s to you too, babe.” 

“By the way. . . I expect that next Valentine’s Day to be romantic. .” Lena declared. 

Your eyes widened, “next Valentine’s Day?” 

It was Lena’s turn to smirk and pull you in for a kiss. 

“Yes. I plan to keep you around, darling.” 

[c-optimistic]

Soulmate au?

i.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Kara asks suddenly one day. They’re in Lena’s office, having a rather late lunch, and had lapsed into a rather awkward silence when Kara blurts out her question.

(Mending friendships is slow, tedious work.

But much like all her other goals, Lena doggedly pursues it, determined to see it through.)

“No, I’m a scientist,” Lena laughs, putting her fork down. “Why do you ask? Do you think you found your soulmate?”

She doesn’t know why she asks. She doesn’t want the answer to that. She doesn’t want to hear about Kara’s dating life. Ask her why, and she’d vehemently deny knowing the reason, but the truth is that the thought of Kara with someone else sends poisonous shards through Lena’s chest, twists her all up inside, and leaves her feeling like her world has crashed around her.

(It’s not dramatic at all.)

“What? No!” Kara says to Lena’s ultimate relief. “No, it’s for an article.”

“You’re writing about soulmates?”

“Well, not exactly. There’s this woman here in National City who claims she can find your soulmate.”

“Oh?” Lena says, raising an eyebrow. Kara nods.

“Apparently, she can see the three ‘Marks’ of soulmates.” When Lena just eyes Kara skeptically, Kara grins and shrugs. “I’m serious! She claims there’s the Mark of Pain, the Mark of Skin, and the Mark of String.”

“...right,” Lena says, stretching out the word and smiling when Kara laughs. “So how does it work?”

“Well, I’ve only talked to her on the phone. But she says soulmates are attached in different ways. And she can sense it. Even if we ordinary people can’t. Like, her string theory—”

“—I don’t think that’s what the string theory is, Kara,” Lena interrupts, but Kara’s on a roll.

“I know, I know. But she says she can see it. Red thread, tied from one person to another. Or tattoos on people’s skin that matches in some way, and only she can see.” Kara shrugs. “She has a pretty good Yelp rating. Everyone says she’s gotten it right.”

“That seems more like confirmation bias than anything. And of course she’s making money off this.”

Kara smiles warmly at her, her eyes soft behind the glasses she didn’t technically need. She looks at Lena in a way that makes Lena heart skip a beat or two, that makes her momentarily forget about the past year of difficulty between them. Suddenly, she’s only looking at her best friend, and she’s a little bit in love.

“So you don’t believe in soulmates?” Kara confirms, her smile turning wistful.

“Why? Do you?” She doesn’t know why she asks. She doesn’t really want to know the answer, sure that any response Kara gives will just be a kick to the chest. Another crack in her heart.

She really wishes she hadn’t asked.

“I don’t know,” Kara responds after a short pause, clearly giving it a lot of thought. “But I hope soulmates do exist.” Kara lets out a laugh. “Maybe this woman can lead me to mine.”

(And there it is, that kick to the chest and crack in her heart she expected.)

Lena looks away, pretends to be startled by the time, but even as Kara gathers her things to leave, she secures Lena’s promise to look into this mystical soulmate finder together.

It’s a promise Lena is sure she’s going to regret.

ii. pain

“So, it’s weird that she refuses to see us in person, right?” Lena asks, looking to Alex for some support, which the elder Danvers is only too happy to give. “It’s odd. Why doesn’t she meet us in person?”

Kara shoots them both an impatient look, clearly not impressed with their negativity. “She doesn’t want to be affected by our energies while she’s working,” she explains, checking her phone before looking up and making sure they are at the right place.

“Our energies?” Alex asks dubiously, making a face at Lena behind Kara’s back. She times it poorly; before she can school her features into a neutral expression, Kara has turned to look at them again, her eyes narrowing.

“Being skeptical and being dismissive are two very different things,” Kara scolds them, sounding just a bit testy. “There’s nothing wrong with keeping an open mind, even about things you don’t or can’t understand.”

Alex opens her mouth, clearly about to start a debate, but Lena butts in, silencing Alex with a hand on her shoulder and giving Kara a small, placating smile. “You’re right, we’re sorry. We’ll behave,” she says, squeezing Alex’s shoulder until she lets out a grunt in the affirmative. When Kara is seemingly satisfied, nodding at them briskly, she continues leading them down the street, eyes on the storefronts. Alex, however, elbowed Lena hard the second Kara’s back was turned.

“What’s wrong with you?” she hisses, elbowing Lena again. “We’ll behave?”

“She’s right, there’s plenty we don’t understand, plenty out there in the universe we can’t make sense of, so maybe keeping an open mind isn’t the worst thing—”

“—oh, shut up, you know very well you’re only taking her side for one reason, and—”

“I can hear you two, you know,” Kara says loudly, interrupting their hushed argument. “Also, we’re here.”

She stops and looks up at the rundown tea shop, nestled between an old record store that had clearly seen better days, and a very busy video game and comic book store. Lena tugs on her coat when a few kids eye her as they enter the store, ducking their heads together and beginning to whisper.

“All right, well explain where here is,” Alex says, stepping closer to her sister. “You haven’t actually explained anything.”

Kara nods, gesturing for them to enter the tea shop, the three of them finding an empty table and huddling around it, perching on tiny, uncomfortable chairs. The tea shop is, for the most part, a place Lena would never have entered on her own volition. It’s frilly and pink, photos of cats everywhere, with sticky tables and stifling heat. Yet, there’s also an odd comfort to the place: it smells heavenly, the aroma of freshly brewed tea mixing with a variety of sweets, all neatly arranged at the display next to the register. The customers also look like they’re at home, nestled in corners reading books, tapping away on computers, and even on what looks to be a very engaging date.

It’s nice. Even if she’s skeptical of the reason they came here, she’s glad she’s come across this place. She thinks she may even come by again, especially if their tea is any good.

“So apparently, there are two people who work here who are soulmates,” Kara explains, motioning for Alex and Lena to lean towards her. Lena finds herself swallowing a little when the aroma of the tea shop is mixed with Kara’s heavenly scent. Her mind goes a little fuzzy, and she knows she has a silly expression on her face because Alex is smirking at her. Kara, of course, focused on work and on her explanation, notices nothing. “They have the Mark of Pain. We’re here to observe, see if they actually can feel each other’s pain.”

“I don’t know if I’d like that one,” Alex says conversationally, leaning back in her rickety chair and eyeing the register and the zoned-out employee behind it. “I mean, can you imagine? In my line of work? Kelly would always be in pain.”

“You think Kelly is your soulmate?” Lena asks, a little surprised by the easy way Alex has said it. Like it’s a fact. Like it’s just true. “What about Maggie? How do you know?”

“Who says you have to have one soulmate?” Alex shoots back, shrugging. “Kara’s my soulmate too. Platonically, of course. You, even.” She grins when Lena’s eyes widen, when she opens and closes her mouth wordlessly, confused and overwhelmed and unsure. “What? Just because I don’t believe in this mystic lady doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the concept of soulmates. But who says it has to be romantic? Or that it’s just one person?”

“So what is it?”

“People in your life who enter it and just...stay. Your found family. Chosen family.” She looks away from the employee at the register and smiles at Kara. “Kara agrees. Right?”

Kara, who has pulled out her notebook and has taken a few notes down about the employee at the register, nods distractedly. “We were drunk when we came up with this,” she explains, meeting Lena’s eyes and blushing slightly for whatever reason. “But it just seems—well, it seems silly to think that in the entire universe there’s one person who’d be your perfect partner. That’s also really sad,” she mumbles. “If that were true, who’s to say my soulmate didn’t die with Krypton?” She shrugs awkwardly. “I think sometimes people are just connected. Meant to be in each other’s life. In whatever form that may be.” Kara looks at Lena carefully, her mouth opening and her cheeks reddening further. “Like—” But Lena doesn’t get to hear what Kara wants to say. At that moment, another employee comes in from the back entrance, looking slightly distracted, eyes on the employee behind the register.

“Look,” Alex says suddenly, sitting up straighter as the employee walks by, bumping into a table roughly. “Whoa,” she says, and Lena silently agrees.

Because just as the employee mumbles a curse and rubs their side, blushing furiously and looking embarrassed, the zoned-out employee at the register winces in pain, rubbing that same spot.

A point, Lena thinks, in the strange mystic woman’s favor.

iii. skin

Lena begins researching the strange mystic woman in earnest.

(In her free time, far away from Kara’s eyes or Alex’s judgment.)

Everything about her is frustratingly perfect—perfect enough that Lena is suspicious. The woman’s website is well-made and professional, littered with testimonials and photos of weddings. There are a range of services with a range of prices, and no matter how much Lena digs, she doesn’t see a single bad thing about the woman.

It’s the internet, she thinks as she scrolls through Google reviews, grimacing at the emojis that filled each comment. Surely someone, somewhere would use the anonymity to their advantage to say something less than complimentary.

No one is perfect, Lena thinks to herself. Which means one of two things: this woman is a fraud (more likely) or she has some sort of ability to force people to write nice things about her on the internet (Lena’s had a few drinks when this becomes a plausible option to her).

She doesn’t remember dialing the number on the website, but the next thing she knows, someone with an airy voice is on the other end, asking her if she’s ready to meet her soulmate.

“You’re a fraud, did you know that?” Lena asks. “It’s cruel what you’re doing, really. Telling people there’s someone perfect out there who loves them for them. That’s unkind.”

“Oh, Lena!” the woman says, the airy tone dropping for a moment. “I mean,” she continues, the affectation back, “I’ve been expecting a call from you, Lena Luthor.”

“Oh, have you? Can you see the future as well as the red string connecting people?”

The woman chuckles, and she sounds vaguely familiar. Lena’s drunk mind chalks it up to being drunk. “I can’t see the future,” she says, sounding amused. “I just knew you would contact me after Kara Danvers began her article on my business.”

“Oh?” Lena mutters sarcastically.

“The answer to your question is yes,” she says, and Lena chokes on nothing.

“I didn’t ask a question. The ‘oh’ was rhetorical.”

“No, Lena Luthor, the question you called me to ask. I’ll give it to you, free of charge: yes.”

“I don’t have a question,” Lena denies, not liking the way the woman on the other end of the phone laughs. “Is this how you tricked the others? Tell them what they want to hear, and they write you obnoxiously positive reviews?”

“So you admit it’s what you wanted to hear,” the woman shoots back with glee, that stupid tone gone, and for the second time, Lena swears she knows this voice. “I mean,” she clears her throat, “I haven’t tricked anyone. I just tell people what I see. Didn’t you see the truth at the tea shop?”

“I think there’s a perfectly logical explanation for that,” Lena argues. “Phantom pains, an old bruise, sympathetic—”

“—okay, you’re skeptical,” the woman interrupts, “I understand. What if I show you a second example?”

Lena thinks about it for a moment. “Fine. But on my terms. I want you to find Jess’s soulmate.” She’s just drunk enough that this seems like a wonderful idea. On the other end of the phone, the woman sounds like she’s hacking up a lung.

“Your secretary?” she asks incredulously, once again sounding familiar.

“How did you—”

“—okay, I will do this,” the woman interrupts, rushing to speak. “In two days, you will be able to see her Mark as well as the Mark of her soulmate, just like I do.”

“That makes no sense, what are you—” But she never finishes her sentence. The woman hangs up, leaving Lena looking at her phone, trying to blink away her shock.

By the time she wakes up the following morning, groaning at her hangover and nearly telling Kara she loves her when the reporter shows up to her apartment with coffee and pastries, Lena’s forgotten all about the call.

///

Jess lingers every time she steps into Lena’s office. She eyes Lena oddly, stares at her hands, and shifts awkwardly on her feet. After the third time, Lena rolls her eyes, sets her pen down, and gives Jess her full attention.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No!” Jess says immediately, then grimaces. “Well, yes. But nothing bad. Not really.” Lena waits her out, knowing Jess will get to the point eventually. “My partner and I, well, we had plans this weekend. We’re supposed to leave straight from work, so I was—”

“—oh, right. Your time off. Yes, of course, feel free to leave early.” She picks up her pen, thinking this is the end of the conversation.

“Um, actually Ms. Luthor, I was wondering if you’d be willing to meet him.”

“Meet who?” Lena asks distractedly.

“My partner.” Something must show on Lena’s face when she drops her pen a second time and looks up at Jess, because she hurries to explain. “He’s a huge fan of your work. And he’s a big part of my life. I’d like you to meet him. If you can.” She tacks on the last three words almost as an afterthought, not quite meeting Lena’s eyes.

“Yes, of course. We can—”

“—wonderful, he’s right outside,” Jess says, smiling wide, rushing out of Lena’s office. A moment later, she returns, a tall, charming looking man following close behind.

She introduces them, and for the next hour, they chat amicably, discussing Lena’s work and Jess’s exceptionalism, and the weekend getaway plans. Except, Lena’s not quite sure she retains any of the information she gleans from the conversation—in fact, if you asked her, she couldn’t even remember if Jess had ever mentioned where she and her partner were even going.

Because when Jess’s partner reaches out to shake Lena’s hand, his sleeve rides up just slightly, revealing a small tattoo with Jess’s name on the inside of his wrist.

Lena doesn’t need to see a similar tattoo, with Jess’s partner’s name, on the inside of Jess’s wrist for her to realize what she’s come across.

“Those tattoos are quite nice,” Lena says when they get up to leave, Jess’s partner leaving her office first. “The artist who did them is quite talented.”

Jess gives Lena an odd look. “I’m sorry, Ms. Luthor,” she says, “what tattoo?”

Lena gestures to Jess’s wrist, but when she looks down, the mark is gone.

And that is a second point in the mystic woman’s favor.

iv. string

Lena absolutely, positively, without a single shred of doubt, does not believe in soulmates. The concept is ludicrous. To think that in a massive and constantly expanding universe, the atoms that make her are somehow destined to be near the atoms that make up someone else is an entirely ridiculous conclusion. She does not believe in the concept of a perfect partner, of someone she is meant to be with, of an individual to whom she is forever connected.

(And to be quite frank, there’s a bit of fear too. She doesn’t want soulmates to exist. For one, she’s worried about the prospect that the universe would pay back her family’s misdeeds by forever ensuring Lena does not have a soulmate. And for another, the far more terrifying option, she does have a soulmate, and that poor soul is bound to her of all people.

What an awful, horrible fate—nothing she’d wish on her worst enemy, least of all the person she’s supposedly destined to be with.)

Lena does not believe in soulmates. She doesn’t.

What she does believe in is Kara.

(Kara, who had her back from the day they met. Kara, who had saved her life more than once. Kara, who made mistakes—just like Lena—but had met Lena halfway and worked hard to fix things between them. Kara, who for all her flaws and missteps, is Lena’s best friend in the world, the one person who has seen Lena for Lena, from the moment they first locked eyes.

Kara, who Lena is hopelessly in love with; Kara, who has never shown interest in women; Kara, who has recently taken up the really rather unfortunate habit of telling Lena she loves her every chance she gets.

And then there’s Lena, who swallows down what she wants to say and instead smiles bitterly as she intones, “I love you too, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”)

Lena is pretty smart. She can say so without sounding obnoxious about it, because it’s a generally accepted fact. She’s pretty smart, and she was dumb enough to fall in love with someone who could never love her back the same way. She rather thinks that if soulmates are indeed real, then that wouldn’t have been possible. Then again, perhaps that’s not entirely true.

(She thinks about Alex’s notion of what soulmates are or could be, of Kara’s thoughts on connection, and she thinks that maybe—even if she wants it to—she isn’t meant to be with Kara romantically. If there’s anyone in her life who is her family, anyone Lena has chosen, anyone she has picked again and again and again, it’s Kara.

It will always, romantically or not, be Kara.

And if that’s not the definition of a soulmate, Lena’s not quite sure what is.)

For the second time in less than a week, Lena finds herself dialing a number from a well-maintained website.

“Lena Luthor,” the airy voice says as soon as she picks up. “I admit I’m surprised you’re calling. I gave you proof and your answer. What more can you need?”

“These soulmates you find,” Lena says, trying not to let her disappointment seep into her tone too much, “have you ever thought maybe you’re matching people who aren’t meant to be together romantically?”

The mystical woman makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a snort of disbelief and a huff of amusement. “You’re—wow,” she says, dropping the silly tone, and if her voice was just a tiny bit higher, Lena would swear it was— “Listen. Yes, platonic soulmates are a thing. They’re great. We love them. Some people only have platonic soulmates. But you are not platonic soulmates with—”

“—yes but how do you know something like that, that seems hard to—”

“—it’s like talking to a brick wall,” the woman interrupts, and Lena can hear some sort of scuffle from the other end, as if someone is trying to pull the phone out of the woman’s grasp. “Look,” the woman says after a second, sounding a bit out of breath, “I’m going to tell you something I have never told anyone else. Of the three Marks, the most clear and obvious sign of two people belonging romantically together is the Mark of String.” The woman pauses, and Lena would almost swear that there’s someone else speaking to her. “Here’s what you should do. And I do this free of charge for you, because I’m highly invested in this,” she chuckles as if this is a great joke and then barrels on, “so listen carefully. Tonight, go see the woman you love. Spend the night. If you wake up with a red string tied from your pinky to hers, then you can rest assured she’s the one.”

“I don’t know if—”

“—Lena,” the woman admonishes, and Lena frowns, finally recognizing the voice. “Trust me on this.”

She goes through with it, trusting the not-so-mystical woman.

Except, when Kara sneaks towards the bed she gallantly gave up for Lena, a piece of red thread hanging from her hand, Lena sits up and clicks on the bedside table light.

“You have a lot of explaining to do,” Lena tells Kara.

v.

They’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other, Kara sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, and Lena trying hard (and failing) to act relaxed.

“So?” she prods, gesturing to the red thread still tied to Kara’s pinky finger. “Want to explain your practical joke?”

“Joke?” Kara says in shock, shaking her head immediately. “No, Lena, it’s not a joke. Not even a little bit.”

Lena’s heart skips a few beats at that, but she maintains an impassive expression. “I don’t understand then. Why would you—”

“—remember a few months back, when I told you I loved you for the first time?” Kara interrupts, jumping to her feet and pacing in front of the couch. She doesn’t wait for Lena to respond. “It took me weeks to gather the courage to tell you. And I’d memorized the whole speech, and at the end you just looked at me like I was speaking to someone else. You told me you loved me as a friend.”

“Right, because you meant it as friends, you…” Lena trails off. “Wait.”

An odd look passes over Kara’s face, something like amusement and exasperation. “Alex told me that I needed to be direct with you. But I—even when I tried, it was like you didn’t hear me.”

(Lena thinks back to all the times Kara had said I love you and she wonders if she’s just heard what she expected to hear and not what Kara was actually trying to say.

Her heart begins to pound in her chest at the very possibility.

Did Kara really....?)

“So what? You decided to recruit Nia to pretend to be a mystical woman? To prove what exactly?”

Kara, surprisingly, looks smug. “You recognized her. I knew it. She was way off script on the phone call, and I tried to get her off the phone but she—”

“—Kara, focus. So the whole soulmate thing was fake?”

Kara winces at that. “Well. Yes, technically.” She stills, coming to a stop several feet in front of Lena. “I asked a few people to help out.”

“Wait, so the two people in the tea shop…” Lena trails off, eyes wide.

“Right, two DEO agents. They should definitely look into acting as a career, I mean they had me convinced, and I knew it was fake—”

“—and Jess?” Lena asks, feeling vaguely overwhelmed.

“Special temporary tattoos made by the DEO, easy to rub off, for both her and her partner.” When Lena is silent a touch too long, Kara rushes to explain. “I mean, it was very hard to convince her to do it. She’s incredibly protective of you, she deserves some kind of raise.”

“She does,” Lena agrees absently, getting to her feet and gesturing towards the red string in Kara’s hand. “And this?”

“We weren’t supposed to get to this. I’d hoped the first two would convince you Nia could honestly see soulmates. I was going to tie it to your pinky. The other end would be connected to me, of course,” she raises her hand with an awkward wave. “But you, um. Caught me.”

Lena bites her lip, marvelling at the sheer amount of work Kara and the others put into this. “Who made the websites? They were perfect.”

“Brainy made them,” Kara explains, a frown appearing on her lips and a crease forming between her brows. “Though I guess he made it too well, since you were suspicious of it.”

“Kara, I—” Lena’s not sure what she wants to say, and she’s glad when Kara interrupts her, taking a step closer, looking at her with an earnest expression.

“Listen,” she says, determination etched onto her features. “I love you. In a romantic way. And if there are soulmates out there, then you’re mine. That’s all this was.”

Lena feels tears well up in her eyes, blurring her vision, and she wants to duck her head, to hide, but Kara is there and saying everything she’s ever wanted to hear, and so instead she just closes the last of the distance between them and wraps her arms around Kara, holding her close, face burrowing into Kara’s neck. “All of this just to say I love you seems a bit dramatic,” she whispers, feeling Kara’s arms go around her waist, clutching her tighter.

“I figured you’d need something dramatic to believe it’s true,” Kara jokes, loosening her hold just a bit so that she can pull back and look at Lena.

“You’re my soulmate too, you know. If there are things like that out there. It was always just you.”

Kara grins brilliantly at her, pressing their foreheads together. “Finally,” she whispers.

[dreamieofu]

Yours

pairing: mark x [f] reader   word count: 4.7k genre: strangers to lovers!au, college!au, smut, sexual themes, so much fluff.  summary: Mark is a familiar face, and one night when he asks you to hang out. warning(s): a lot of flirting, slight alcohol consumption, a small bar fight, a lot of kissing, protected sex, slight cockwarming, slight fingering, slight dry humping, tell me.. if there’s more this is my first time writing smut lol.

That’s the thing about love.

It’s unexpected. And this story is short, intense but plays like a record in the back of your head.

He was once someone you’d walk by, a distant stranger. You notice him in the corner of your eye, sitting at the cafeteria. Along with one of your classmates. It seemed to be that way, seeing him at the corner of your eye, around the shop nearest to your dorm. Catching him walk by you, on his way to class.  

A familiar face.

You didn’t think much of it, until you started seeing him more often; curiosity swirling in your mind, each time you’d find yourself looking his way.

Maybe it was his smile, or maybe the way he’d have his hands in his pockets. His stand, as he talks with friends. He was a familiar face, with no name attached to his small loop-sided smile.

It was that one night, near the steps at the front of the dormitory, you see him socialising with your classmate. At first you wanted to greet your classmate with your best friend, Renjun, but the way the boy would smile with his eyes, shots an arrow through your heart.   “Hey,” You gleam, walking towards them. Slightly peering over at him, soaking up the image of him and his hair. The way he stood there, cosy in a grey hoodie and khaki pants. You’d be lying to yourself to say you didn’t walk over in hopes of getting to know him. Your own personal mystery boy. While you introduce yourself, you also don’t fail to notice how much more endearing he was up close. Doe eyes, and a small mole on his cheek, your eyes trailing to find identical ones on the left side of his neck. He speaks, while a small smile creeps up on your cheeks, finally hearing a name for your mystery boy.   “Well, I’m Mark,”.

And just like that, you found yourself in an already blossoming love for him.

You exchanged numbers the night you learnt his name. Slowly, your both grew closer. Mark would go opposite the dorms on most days, hanging out with his friends, drinking beers and dancing around with them. You could see him below from your window, in a not so creepy way. Just admiring the way he laughed with them, and how he’d dance completely immersed in his element.   You send him a message. [6:30pm] I can see you from my window…

You hiccup a small giggle watching Mark instantly look up. His eyes searching for you mindlessly. This time Mark was sat at one of the tables nearby, his phone in his hands, hidden under the table slightly away from his friend, Donghyuck. Even from afar, you see a smile curve his left lip.

Mark [6:31pm] oh yeah? I can’t see you though.

He looks back up from his phone, trying not to be obvious to Donghyuck, that he’s looking for someone. Looking for you.

You exchange a few texts, whilst you watch him from your window. It was fun, the way he would message you from below. The way he would look up to the windows, almost as if he was looking right at you, yet not knowing where you were at all. You move away from your window sighing.   “He’s so cute…” sounding almost exasperated, Renjun chuckles at your words throwing a pillow at you from where he’s sat. You roll your eyes, moving the pillow onto your bed as you sink back into your position. You look out the window again, ignoring Renjun’s laughter.   “It’s obvious that you’re both flirting with each other,” Renjun explains, walking over to your bed which was right next to the window. He looms over the edge of your bed standing in front of your window to look down. He’s quick to find Mark. “I mean, he is cute. Look at him sitting there,” He laughs again, his tone slightly teasing you.   “I know! I’ve been looking at him for too long.” You turn you head at Renjun then back, returning to the window to sneak another glance at Mark.

“Why won’t you make a move? You never know, he could think the same thing about you.” Renjun’s suggestion is tempting, but you’re not very vocal about feelings. Especially if it’s romantical ones for boys you barely know.

But that was as far as you got. Small flirtatious interactions, but never anything like a date. You didn’t have many opportunities to be with him alone, too caught up with other friends. But one day, going home after a day of class, you bump into him and he’s alone.   “Mark!” You call out, with a big smile. You see him turn his head, catching your eyes. His face warms up watching you approach him, looking soft and returning your smile. But just as you get a step close to him, Mark engulfs you in a hug.

The hug was nothing you were expecting, he smells something almost like watermelon candy and it whiffs over you, filling your senses.  Mark’s chest is broader than you imagined, and his arms hold you tight. One of his hands around your middle back, and the other was gently placed at the back of your head bringing you close. His embrace lasted a second too long, before he pulls back, the same loop-sided smile holding his high cheeks. You feel like your heart was being nailed down against your chest, by how hard it was beating. Mark whispers a small “Hey,”.

You feel a little lost in his eyes as you reply, “How was your day?” And Mark smiles even wider at your question.   “Better now that I’ve seen you,” The thing is, Mark knew he was being direct with his flirting. Hoping you’d pick up, and in some ways you did. Mark notices you, probably the same way you have all along. Mark is forward, but in some sense socially awkward. However, when he finds himself in contact with you, things just flow. He doesn’t mind making the obvious vocal, he’s made comments about how he finds you cute. And each time, you don’t believe him. Throwing his words over your shoulder with a scoff and a nervous laugh. He likes the reactions he gets out of you, likes the way you’re nervous under his presence. “I’m going to hang out with Donghyuck later tonight for a drink. Wanna join?”   You radiate heat, both from the close proximity and his proposal. The tension between you two feels a little too much, and you swear his eyes are glistening. He looks pretty today. “I guess I’m free.” You agree.   “Cool, I’ll see you at the bar opposite around 8pm?” You nod at his words.

The time between this moment and 8pm stretched until you find yourself in your room sulking to Renjun.   “I can’t believe he asked me out!” You end your sentence with a whisper scream. Renjun was laid on your bed, on top of your covers one hand holding his head up as he looks at you bored whilst you finish your monologue.   “Well, he was bound to. I don’t know why you’re acting so surprised.” He rolls his eyes at you playfully. “As if you weren’t flirting in all the texts you send each other.”   “That’s not true!” Trying to deny all the times Mark’s messages wouldn’t fail to put a small smile on your face. Renjun says silent with a smug look.  “Okay, fine… We flirt a little… So what? I can’t flirt?” You fight back your past thoughts, knowing Renjun’s quick to call you out anyway.   You push yourself up from your desk, walking towards a full body length mirror. You look at your appearance, a spurge of confidence glowing. You admit that you were excited, as much as you were stressing over it all. “I mean, it’s not like we’re alone, alone. Donghyuck’s going to be there,” You drop your shoulders and pout.   “I mean, he could be just testing waters,” Renjun explains. You do know, although Renjun is your best friend (nothing more), he is a boy and to some extent, knows things like this.   “I guess… Wish me lucks?” You turn around to him, smiling over your shoulder.   “You don’t need it. Be yourself.”

You walk through the bar by yourself, heart racing with slow steps. You pass through dim lights and strangers, finding yourself deeper into the venue. Old vintage posters hung against the narrow walls, the smell of cigarettes surrounding you as music plays in the background. You finally find him. Sat across Donghyuck, with two pints of beers placed in between them as they laugh with each other. Mark notices your figure approaching, looking up at you through his eyelashes. An innocent smirk gracing his lips as Donghyuck silently moves over. You take that as a signal to sit next to him, as you sit across Mark with a breathless, “Hi,”. Donghyuck quietly giggles at the interaction. His hand covering his muted laugh.   “Would you like something to drink?” Mark asks, already getting up from his seat. Your eyes trail and follow his stance as he casts a shadow over your frame. He stands there in a graphic tee which is slightly tight, highlighting his figure. Not that you were staring too much, but he has a nice build. You swoon to yourself at his offer, licking your lips, “Surprise me,” You reply in a tone a tad bit too sultry for your liking, which doesn’t go unnoticed by the two males looking at you. Mark chuckles deeply at your response, a few of his top teeth showing as he nods off with a finishing smile. He walks into the crowd, away from the table and you watch his back.   “Cute.” Donghyuck gains your attention as you whip your head towards him, flushed.   “No,” You squeak, flustered. Because clearly he was referencing what just happened between you and Mark. Donghyuck just lightly laughs at you, taking a swing at his drink. You two talk casually for a few moments, before Mark returns, placing a red fruity looking cocktail in front of you.

“Surprise,” Mark gestures to the drink with a cocky eyebrow, taking his seat opposite you again.   The night goes by really nicely, Donghyuck is funnier around Mark. It was a feel-good vibe, getting to know both of them. You liked Mark’s drink suggestion a lot, so much so, he bought you 2 more throughout the night. Much to your dismay.

You finally felt like you were getting to know Mark outside his flirty day-to-day messages. He really did live up to all your daydreams so far, and you can’t pinpoint what it was about him that kept you so intrigued. Mark ever so often gazes at you, as if to silently ask if you’re okay. It’s comforting, knowing he cares about that.

His foot slightly nudges yours under the table. It causes you to look up from your drink, Mark looks back up at you innocently. The side of his leg brushing ever so gently against the side of your calf. You gulp slightly, watching him slowly move his body forward, away from the back of the chair. His eyes never leaving yours as he does so. Donghyuck is off on his phone, and Mark’s gaze is so intense you have to look away. Incredibly shy under his hold.

Loud shouting interrupts the moment.

Two men at each others lungs while others try and separate them. Their voices are distance but become more clearer when they approach your table faster than you realise. They’re too drunk to balance themselves as they slightly knock over against your shared bench with Donghyuck. Donghyuck instinctively puts an arm behind, to block them from pushing further. It gets a little out of hand when they knock against the bench once more, pushing your body against the table for you to gain steady balance from the impact. Mark notices your distressed look, “Come,” He mouths to you, knowing the fighting men were too loud for you to hear him. You got the point, once they backed off a little. Standing quickly, Mark mirrors you. He lets you sit in the inside of the seat, against the wall and he sits beside you again. This time, his warm hand holds one of yours from under the table. Donghyuck is safe, looking behind his shoulders looking at the guys. The argument sounded really drunk influenced and pointless, and it makes Donghyuck disinterested. Mark holds your hand close to his belly, over his lap as he looks forward, watching as Donghyuck does. But you’re looking at Mark ever so gently, touched that he’s trying to silently soothe your panicked thoughts.   The guys fighting finally cooled off and were escorted outside. “It’s common around here,” Donghyuck is the first to speak, his head motioning backwards swiftly referencing the guys who just left. “I’m going to use the toilet,” He clicks his tongue, getting up and leaving. Mark never lets go of your hand the whole time.   “Are you okay?” He asks, concern swimming in his tone as he looks at you. You were flustered since it happened all so quick. You nod though admitting, “I’ve never really seen something like that happen,”. Mark gives you a small sympathetic smile. He gives your hand a small squeeze as reassurance and it makes you feel safe. You’re grateful that they helped you from getting hurt, you don’t go out to bars or pubs often, so this experience was new. You both stayed in comfortable silence, looking at each other fondly. Only for a few short moments though because Donghyuck returns to the table.   “Anyway,” He coughs, breaking yet another one of your moments. “It’s getting late, how about we start heading back?” Donghyuck suggests, grabbing hold of his jacket that he took off earlier that night. Mark lets go of your hand upon hearing that, and gets up along with Donghyuck who stood waiting.   “Come, let us bring you home.” Mark smiles down at you, and you feel sad he let go of your hand. You stand with him, as Donghyuck leads you all back outside. The air was cool, and the same two guys were still arguing in the distance, away from the place you just left. You trail behind Mark and Donghyuck, hugging yourself as you all walk through the glass doors of the dorm’s reception entrance. Mark presses the buttons in the lift. He stayed on one of the top floors, and you lived on the 5th. Both Donghyuck and Mark drops you to your dorm door. Making sure to see you go inside, Mark stayed leaning against the side of your door as you stand in the tiny hallway entrance that leads to your single room. A smile on his lips as he says “Goodnight,” Donghyuck mirroring his words before they leave and you close the door behind them.   You were alone again, smiling to yourself at tonight’s events. Missing the way Mark held your hand. You take off your coat and place your bag down before turning on a lamp. You were about to change before you hear a knock on your door. You tilt your head at the sound, questioning if you heard correctly. You stride towards your door anyway, curiously opening the door to find Mark standing there. “Mark…” You say softly as he smiles at the way you say his name. “How come?” You continue, a bit lost for words as you step back widening the door. Mark took this as an invitation to walk into your room. “I was on my floor, but I wanted to see you again,” Mark confesses. He stands in the middle of your slightly glowed room. The small lap emitting a soft yellow glow throughout the room. Mark’s quick to scan your room and you silently thank yourself for cleaning up earlier today.   “You wanted to see me again?” You repeat his words, shutting the door and locking it for extra measure. You walk towards him, your throat feeling a bit dry. You gulp down the dryness, all of a sudden feeling vulnerable because he just stands there with an unreadable expression on his face. “Yeah, I wanted to do this,” He speaks with confidence, closing the distance between you in seconds. He’s quick to effortlessly find purchase at the base of your neck, bringing your face close to his in a swift movement. Taking you by shock. But before he even dares to kiss you, there’s silence. A complete juxtaposition to how he was confident a beat ago. You watch him flutter his eyes close, his lips barely a breath away before he whispers to you ever so quietly, “Just tell me if you don’t want this and I’ll stop.”   Your breath hitches in your lungs, as he delicately kisses your bottom lip. It’s just placed there for a second, barely a kiss. Before he continues, he lets you talk. You don’t say anything though. Mark takes the initiative to pull you closer this time, his other hand around your waist as you relax under his touch. He kisses you again with intention.   This time, he feels assertive, and yearning. You melt into his kiss, finally settling into the curve of his jaw. Holding his face, his smooth skin warm under your palm. This gesture makes Mark smile into your kiss, finally feeling you accept and kiss him back. The kiss is sweet, and his lips plush as he moves them along, just perfectly, his tongue lining against your bottom lip parting them. You welcome him with a small whimper, and he steps backwards. You mindlessly dance with him towards your bed as you both kiss each other with open mouths and open hearts.   The back of Mark’s legs meet the side of your bed as he falls backwards, sitting down. You follow him forward, and gently bite his lips as he giggles. He uses the back of his hands to move further into the bed making room for you. You find yourself straddling his lap, reconnecting your lips together once again. “I think I like you,” Mark suddenly confesses, his heart thumping hard against his chest as he looks at you. The way you place your hands against his chest steadying your balance, you’re speechless. Both because of how he kisses you, and how you’ve ended up in this position. Mark is eager as he holds your hips in place, “Maybe a bit too much,” He chuckles. You smile, letting your weight sink onto his lap as your forehead falls on top of his with an elated smile.   There’s undeniable tension, you both feel it, and more so under you. Mark is noticeably hard, but you choose to stay silent about it. Liking the way you’re so close, and he feels just as vulnerable as you. You give him one small peck, before replying, “I like you too,”. This is all the confirmation Mark needs before he kisses you with more hunger. A feverish tension connecting you both, as his fingers slip under your shirt, gripping and pulling you down against his crotch. You laugh to yourself at how cute he was, trying to hint at you. Pulling away from the kiss, Mark finds a new journey along your neck and behind your ear. Easily finding all your sensitive spots as if he’s known your body forever. You moan embarrassingly, as he detaches his now swollen lips. Eyes now hooded as he reaches behind his head, his jacket already placed else where in the midst of making out. To then grab the collar behind his neck to take off his shirt. You lean backwards a bit, giving him room as your eye the way his bare skin was slowly being exposed under the soft light. The dimness contouring the light outline of his torso. His head pops up with a dorky smile, throwing the shirt over your shoulder. You giggle at his gesture, finding confidence to kiss along his jaw, meeting and kissing his tiny moles on his neck with open mouthed kisses. He likes the way you kiss him and you can tell, by the way his fingers traces along your back. Mark’s hands grips your ass bringing you both closer together. This move makes him fall backwards. You move along with him as he kicks off his shoes and socks, he’s laid back as you move above him more comfortably. You stay straddling him, looking down as you shyly tug the bottom of your shirt. “Close your eyes,”.   Mark seemed to find this endearing and he complies. Closing his eyes much to his dismay, he feels you get up from your position. He stays silent though, knowing you weren’t going anywhere. “Now open…” Mark barely hears you, as he supports himself on his elbows. He opens his eyes to find you standing near the bed, arms around your waist hugging yourself. It was obvious you were shy and nervous, but there you stood. And Mark swore he’s never seen anything as beautiful as you in that moment. Bitten lips, soft skin, glossy eyes and the light from the lamp glowing through the small strands of your messy hair. Mark stands in front of you, unzipping his trousers as he does so. Eyes connecting with yours as he takes them off in front of you. You gulp, feeling feverish under his gaze. The air so thick, as he steps out of his trousers and kicks them away. He reaches out his hand for you to hold, to guide you to the bed. It’s so quiet in your room, you can literally hear your heart ringing against the tips of your ears. “Just tell me if you don’t want this and I’ll stop,” He repeats his earlier words, but now he’s above you. His hands supporting himself against the sides of your head. His hair hanging above your face, tickling your forehead. You scrunch your nose when he smiles at you, “I want this, and I want you,” You whisper, lifting your head to meet him against his lips. Arms looping from his arms that caged you, to hold him around this shoulders connecting from behind his neck. He kisses back, pushing more force as he lets himself relax in your arms. He supports himself flat with his elbows, his legs shuffling between yours. He feels even harder than before, now barely clothed. And he makes sure you know of it, by grinding it against your clothed entrance. You stay kissing him for long moments, the sounds of his breath hitching when you scratch your nails along his bare back. He pulls away eyes still closed, “Condom?” Mark sounds breathless and needy.   You nod, no words forming as your hand reaches to the bedside table. You blindly search through the drawer for your tiny black bag of free condoms the university provided. Mark chuckles when you tap the bag against his rib. He opens his eyes, and smiles to himself.  This time, he straddles you. After taking off his boxers and rolling the condom on. He looks at your hooded eyes through his eyelashes, sucking in his bottom lip when he finally has the condom on. You don’t fail to notice how pretty his fingers looked wrapped around his cock, the size he was and how this was happening. He throws the bag on the floor, before finding your lips again. You yelp in his mouth when his fingers moves along your slit, pushing against the cotton material of your underwear. Your arousal so evident against the material. “You’re wet,” Mark speaks of the obvious with disbelief. He can’t believe he’s managed to get you this wet, with just kisses. It ignites something in him because you find him pressing aside your underwear, hearing his finger lining upwards to collect your wetness briefly. He lifts them and places it in between your kiss, moaning as you both taste yourself on his fingers. Tongues licking at each others briefly.  You whimper when he returns his fingers, this time playing around with your essence and your entrance, “So wet…” He whispers to himself. He barely grazes your clit, before he kisses your neck. Mark’s head resting at the crook of your neck, marking you, when he lines himself up to your entrance. Your wetness easily hugging around the head of his cock. He bites down on your shoulder, finally moving forward to start filling you up. You open your legs wider to accommodate him, gasping at the stretch, nails digging into his shoulders. He teeth lets go of your shoulder to moan breathlessly against your ear, nibbling while he bottoms out.   “F-fuck,” He mutters, “it's so warm inside you,” whispering along with your whimpers because he doesn’t move. Your walls welcome him with love. He’s sinking into your warmth and it makes him crazy.  He only moves once he hears you moan out his name exasperated. “Ma-Mark…” and he starts.

Swift and precise with his thrusts, buckling up into your walls, as your mouth hangs open. He grunts when you clench around his length. “You’re so good, you feel so good,” He praises you, adorning you with his lips, and gentle kisses. He hovers above your glistening glossy eyes, looking into your fucked out expression from his movements. He doesn’t let go of your gaze, hitting into you harder making you bite your lip and knit your eyebrows together. His eyes intense and dark. You hold your clench around him when he speeds up, the way you moan his name like a chant, encourages him to speed up. He feeds off how you thrash your head, moaning and breathing with each thrust he gives you. Rolling his hips as you stick out your tongue. He welcomes you into his mouth, sucking onto you hard, fucking into you double.

“You make me feel so good…. Just like that,” You confess breathless, and he rolls his eyes at how muffled you sound. His hand trailing from your ankle, ghosting above your skin and making you follow along. One of his hands holding himself, while the other fiddles with your harden nipple. You gasp, licking your lips as he lowers his head. Mark’s lips attach onto the bud, sucking and rolling his tongue around. Needy you latch your legs around his waist as he thrusts deeper than you could have previously imagined. You choke on your spit, as he knits his eyebrows accidentally bitting your nipple.

His skin glistening with a sheen of sweat, “Pretty girl,” He kisses your cheeks, and you feel close. You clench onto him harder and tighter the closer you get, and he notices. This makes him speed up, chasing ecstasy, eyes peering over your expressions. The sound of skin slapping, and uneven breathes fill the room as you cum around him. Mouth hung open, your blunt nails running at his back, red lines of love and he’s in awe. Mark’s lips crashing into yours in a whimper. Your legs slightly shake around his figure, falling limp, but Mark doesn’t let up his movements. Chasing your orgasm with his, and he does seconds later. He stills himself above you, holding his breath as you feel him pulse inside of you. His orgasm lasting longer than he’s used to. Warmness sticking your bodies together as his strength gives out. Mark lets his body fall next to you, head spinning, trying to catch his breath. “Fuck…” He whispers to himself.   “We just did,” You smile turning your head, watching as his chest heaves, his hair pressed against his forehead. You rest your palm on his chest, feeling overwhelmed with everything. His heartbeat under your palm. Mark still had so much to show you, you both know it. And you’re excited to find it out. He lets out an airy laugh because of your words, his head now turning in a similar way to see you. His body turns to you also, his hand resting against your face as you look at each other. The tension settling in and feeling like adoration. “Will you be mine?” Mark sounds nervous, which you find really funny considering the deed you both just did together. Nonetheless, you smile at his words, feeling self-assured and vulnerable as you reply, “I’m already yours.”

[zoradementio]

Deltarune Theories and Observations Part 2

Since it’s been like three weeks and this game still hasn’t left my god damn brain, here’s some more things that I felt like noting or theorizing.

~Parallels of Noelle and Kris~

So, I ended my last Deltarune longpost with a comparison between Kris and Susie. But, interestingly enough, Kris and Noelle also have a lot of similarities. Both of them have an older sibling figure who was a very prominent crutch in their lives (Asriel for Kris, Dess for Noelle). Yet, in present times, this elder sibling is not present (though Dess’ is a bit more permanent, whether she died or went missing.) And compared to these older siblings, Kris and Noelle are the more introverted sibling, with Kris barely having a social life until the start of the game and Noelle being the biggest pushover since a card tower. Then, there’s their parental dynamics. Asgore and Rudy are both the carefree, laidback father figures, with Asgore immediately throwing Kris in a bear hug when seeing them and Rudy encouraging Noelle to ask Susie out and playing Dragon Blazers with her. This contrasts with the more proper, if strict mother figures. While Noelle’s mother is certainly the more egregious, if the fact that Noelle would rather stand outside her home’s gates likely for hours on end than to attempt to ‘bother’ her mother during work for a house key, there are a few signs of Toriel being a little strict in some areas. Apart from some dialogue from Bratty about her kissing Asriel and anything involving the big school dance being signs that Toriel does not approve of her kids, or any of her students for that matter, getting into anything even remotely romantic, the flavor text for the closet in Kris’ Dark World room being ‘You could wear whatever you want’ suggests that Toriel imposes some sort of a dress code on Kris and likely also Asriel when he was living at home. They’re also the two characters most susceptible to the SOUL, in other words you the player. Kris’ is a bit more direct, as they are the character we control in both their movements and what they say. While Noelle, considering she has such a weak will, she is fairly mailable if we impose our will onto her, as demonstrated in the Pipis Route. Finally, they both have a strong attachment towards Susie, though whether Kris’ is romantic or not is not entirely clear as of yet. Oh, and speaking of Noelle...

~The Return of Noelle~

In at least one of the future chapters, I believe Noelle will make a come back as a party member. I don’t think Toby Fox would make it this easy to just lose whatever equipment you put on her, especially if you give her the Jevilstail or if the Pipis Route has been fully completed you will lose a component of the Twisted Sword, which will presumably be available in future chapters. Therefore, I believe that Noelle will be playable again, at least at some point.

~Misanthropic Dysmorphia~

So, many people have seen the connections that Kris has to Chara (or The Fallen Child) from Undertale. They both love chocolate, are the adopted children of Toriel and Asgore, and seem to have an affinity for knives. But if there is one more connection they have, it’s that they both seem to hate humans. Now, while don’t know the reasons as to why Chara hated humans, it was enough for them to want to slaughter an entire village of people, going overboard with the body count when only 6 souls were needed to break the barrier. While Kris likely isn’t as genocidal as Chara was, their distaste for humanity runs just as deep. However, Kris’ misanthropy manifests as a form of body dysmorphia. As a child, they wondered when their horns would grow in like their brother and parents, showing that, at least at that point Kris didn’t understand the biological differences between themself and those around them. Not only that, but in Chapter 2, when going upstairs in the library and reading the book ‘How to Care for Humans’, when looking at the pages Kris immediately closes the book when seeing the pictures of humans in seeming disgust. It wouldn’t be too much of a surprise if Kris hates the fact that they’re human, seeing as that is the big thing that makes them an outsider to Hometown. It would also explain why they seem to hate the SOUL/Player, even if you play as pacifistically as possible and don’t do anything to intentionally upset Kris like throwing away the Ball of Junk in the Light World. After all, Kris’ description in the Dark World as soon as you enter it in Chapter 1 is ‘A body containing a human SOUL’. Apart from just generally being upset that some outside force is controlling their actions, Kris is also likely pissed that a human is the one controlling them, because, assumedly, you or anyone else that plays Deltarune is going to be a human. That could be just some extra salt in the wound, that even Kris’ own soul is not only human but not even their own.

~Darkner’s History(?)~

This is something strange that I don’t think a lot of people think about. So, I notice a lot of people point out that Ralsei knows that both his Dark Fountain and the Fountain from Chapter 1 are located in a supply closet and a classroom respectively. Most people point to this as evidence that Ralsei knows something, however Ralsei isn’t the only one with knowledge of the Light World. Queen does have a line or two about knowing that her Dark World is within a library. So clearly, Darkners have at least some awareness of the Light World, or at least enough about their enclosed spaces and possibly limited to appointed rulers or some such. What isn’t so clear is how long these Dark Worlds have lasted. Sure, portals to the Dark Worlds seem like only a recent thing, there is talk about the history of these characters. Just within Chapter 1 there’s King overthrowing the other three card kings and taking the throne all to himself, Jevil meeting a mysterious figure causing him to go mad and thus needing to be locked up by Seam, a presumably long series of puzzle makers syphoned out before Roulxs became the Duke of Puzzles, and some kind of falling out between Queen and King (which also brings up the question of when and why was Queen’s laptop in the abandoned classroom). My point being, despite these Dark Worlds being open for maybe a day or two at best, there seems to be almost years worth of history to these places. It could be a case of ‘one day passes inside, but only about an hour has passed outside’ thing or it could be that Dark Worlds still technically exists even without a Dark Fountain. So far, though, I can’t offer any concrete answers to this. And actually, since I brought up his suspicious behavior once again...

~Communication Issues~

I already talked about how Ralsei is suspicious in an out-of-universe perspective here, but in universe he is acting rather suspicious. Namely, around Susie. When Kris and Susie return to Castle Town, Ralsei tells Kris to gather everything in the adjacent classroom and bring it here. Everyone becomes their Darkner counterparts and Susie is naturally excited to see everyone, especially Lancer. Ralsei then says, and only says, that ‘when the Dark Fountain was sealed, that area returned to a normal classroom. And when Lancer decides to become one of you KEY ITEMS, Ralsei doesn’t explain that Darkners become regular objects in the Light World, causing Susie to think Lancer ditched them when Kris and Susie leave to work on their group project. And during the Chapter 2 epilogue, Susie even suggests finding a way to bring Ralsei and Lancer into the Light World, despite that seeming to be an impossibility. That’s not even mentioning the post Spamton NEO dialogue where Susie is the first to bring up the oddities of the whole scenario, and Ralsei immediately chooses to shoot down any questioning. Ralsei seemingly keeps Susie out of the loop on a lot of important things about how the Dark World works. Now, Susie doesn’t really question these things, but that’s mostly because 1. she is a very ‘only cares about the here and now’ type of person and is very excited about the whole Dark World shenanigans her, Kris and Ralsei get up to, and 2. this girl is dense enough to not immediately catch on the Noelle is crushing so hard on her a neon sign saying ‘SHE LIKES YOU’ would be a more subtle message. Now, it could be that Ralsei sees Susie in a much more ‘need to know’ basis, that since she is isn’t really the group plan-maker, she doesn’t need to know the intricacies of how the Dark Worlds, the Fountains, and everything works. It also could be that the player, and by extension Kris, are more important and thus will be needed this information more than Susie. However, I still hesitate to say that Ralsei is malicious in action. What I think would be the most likely reason, if his explanation of the Roaring and Queen’s reaction to it are any indication, it looks like Ralsei’s fatal flaw is assuming his knowledge is common knowledge. After all, he assumed that Queen was opening another Dark Fountain because she wanted to destroy the world, when that couldn’t be further from the case. In all likelihood, Ralsei could be overestimating how perceptive Susie really is when it comes to putting details together.

~Only One Ending...?~

This is something a few people have been debating for a while now. Back when Chapter 1 was released in 2018, Toby Fox said that Deltarune would only have one ending. However, with the addition of Chapter 2′s Pipis Route, many of us are wondering if that was a flat out lie or not. My assumption goes one of two ways. Option A: It was true at the time. During the three year development of Chapter 2 a lot, and I mean a LOT, of things about Deltarune have changed. Initially the game was going to be another mostly solo development similar to Undertale. But, with the larger workload and Toby Fox working on other projects like developing music for the Pokemon games, and on top of all of that going through some pretty bad wrist pains, Fox decided to get a small development team for Deltarune. There were debates on whether to switch Deltarune’s game engine to something like Unity, before settling back to Game Maker. And even when Chapter 1 was released, it was more of a proof of concept than anything, with barely any of the rest of the story being written down. It wouldn’t be too much of a surprise if Toby Fox decided to add some more endings because he thought that would work better for what he was going for. Or, Option B: It will be one ending, but in the same way the Normal Ending in Undertale is ‘one ending’. See, while Deltarune likes to emphasize that ‘your choses don’t matter’ and in Undertale ‘your choses do matter’, in actuality, the choses in both games have roughly the same weight. Sure, in Undertale it seems like your choses have more of an impact, but the basic story beats of the game are all the same. You will always fall into the underground, get quasi-adopted by Toriel, go through a wacky puzzle romp with Papyrus, get hunted by Undyne through Waterfall, guest star in Mettaton’s shows with Alphys as your guide, and finally make it to New Home. And there were still some minor questions in Undertale that really had no bearing on what you answered, such as Toriel’s question of if you prefer cinnamon or butterscotch. But because Undertale frames it with ‘your choses matter’ and Deltarune frames it in ‘your choses don’t matter’ we see it as such. So, when it comes to the endings, there really are only three endings in Undertale. The True Genocide ending, where you go all the way through with killing everyone and everything in the Underground, the True Pacifist Ending, where you SPARED everything you came across and completed the necessary friendship side quests, and the Normal Ending. Now, the Normal Ending sounds like a pretty narrow term, considering there’s like at least around 10 different variations of this ending, but the basic plot beats are still the same: You finish the fight with Asgore, fight Omega Flowey, and using the power of the other six souls you (as Frisk) are able to return above ground. Most of what makes this ending different is pretty much flavor text at the very end, with Sans and which ever other characters that are alive/befriended chiming in. I feel like Deltarune’s ending could play out in a similar vein, with larger plot beats being consistent, but specific character’s reactions and what not would change up the ending slightly. And, if we are only given one ending, I feel like there would be a good reason to word it like that. Similarly to what was said some time after on Toby Fox’s twitter about the True Pacifist ending, ‘This is the best ending, nothing more’ when people were wondering if there was a way to save Asriel from his fate in the end. So, if we are told there will be only ‘one ending’ that implies that there’s going to be something we’ll want to change. And what will this change be? Well...

~Don’t Forget, I’m With You In The Dark~

I believe that the ending of Deltarune will involve sealing the Castle Town Fountain. A lot of what’s set up in Deltarune seems to be leading to this. From the suspiciousness of Ralsei, to the premonition of the world ending if too many fountains are open, to the fact that Darkners are unable to consciously interact with the Light World. I’m pretty sure that we’re going to have to say good bye to Ralsei, Lancer, Rouxls, Seam, Queen, and all the rest of the Darkners by the end. And let’s face it, this ending would be the best punch to the gut that the game could offer. But I don’t think it will be all sad. After all, the Darkners will still be with us in spirit, will still be with us in the dark.

[cancerjupiter]

astro notes: neptune edition (pt. 2)

neptune represents issues which are frequently unconscious, so all of this may operate without your awareness. if projected, the negative aspects of neptune become more emphasised. the more you reject it in your own life, the more likely it is that you’ll meet it in exaggerated ways outside yourself.

neptune in the 7th house

this is another loaded placement; you are likely to encounter difficulties in the area of personal relationships. there are many manifestations of this placement: you may look for a savior to ease the feelings of loneliness and isolation rather than taking responsibility by becoming your own person, you might wish to merge with your partner. if you become too dependent on anyone, they’re going to let you down one way or another. the alternative manifestation is you playing savior to your partner. hence, the reputation of this placement as a magnet to victim types (negatively: drug addicts, unstable people w a shady/difficult past, “artists”, wannabe geniuses and prophets, etc) who need a lot of mothering and cleaning up after.

wherever neptune is placed in the chart, a lot is asked of us. you often give a lot in relationships - often sacrificing things for the sake of your partner. some of you exhibit a kind of selfless, saintly love worthy of true respect, but this can easily turn into letting yourself being walked over as if you have no rights in the relationship. there is a fine line between authentic selflessness and tolerance and just being a doormat. your often idealized romantic notion of what a relationship looks like doesn’t consider the hard work that must be put into it. the yearning for perfection in your partner + the relationship actually makes you very difficult people to live with. unconsciously, you can be very critical and judgemental about the other’s flaws or whatever element they have that doesn’t match your notion of Love. soulmates can still argue about the way the other squeezes the toothpaste tube, it doesn’t mean the love isn’t very much real. ultimately, this planet should represent a non-attached love, a love that doesn’t cling or swallow up any of the people involved. somewhere between demanding others adjust to you, or always adjusting yourselves to others, is the kind of envisioned neptunian love.

neptune in the 8th house

if neptune can’t be at home (12th house) then his next favorite house is that of his bestie, pluto (8th). neptune’s major thrust is the loss of boundaries - what better place to lose them than in the house of sex, sharing and intimacy?

sex is often symbolic in this position; rather than just being enjoyed for its sake, it is the means to alleviate psychological pressures and concerns. sex is also a way of merging with others, hence transcending the means of oneself. i’ve noticed physical intimacy is also an escape from loneliness, and the promiscuity associated w this placement comes from this. some may feel that giving themselves sexually is also a way of serving. this placement is also present in people confused about their sexual identities. neptune is so diffuse and adaptable, so fluid and shapeless, that they have difficulty knowing what they really want. conversely, problematic aspects to saturn may suggest a fear of letting go - a tension between holding on and letting go (abstaining from sex altogether). my friend with this placement told me she always fantasizes about people she isn’t with rather than her girlfriend. neptune is never content with what it has. besides, if you know someone too well, their alien magnetism eventually wears out.

there may be complications and strange circumstances in the area of the partner’s money and joint finances. economic losses and gains will have a significant psychological impact, and could ultimately stop you from finding security inwardly rather than on the material world. in any case, you should seek advice for making financial investments. depending on the aspects, non-material forces can operate constructively or destructively within you. positively, you’ll receive guidance and inspiration as if out of nowhere and are well advised to keep up a dream diary, for they may prove significant to whatever you’re going through. you may serve as a source of comfort and inspiration for others who are going through crisis (david bowie, malcolm x, simone de beauvoir, etc); negatively, you may feel possessed - as if you’ve been taken over by something powerful outside yourself. you may receive misleading guidance from other dimension.

since neptune wants to go Home and the 8th house is the house of Death, some people w this placement may entertain self-destructive fantasies when life gets too tough. unless neptune has harsh aspects to saturn, there isn’t a fear of death, since the desire to transcend worlds is so strong.

neptune in the 9th house

both neptune and the 9th house have a tendency to need the “right” answer, there’s a possibility for an enduring search for The Truth (think Mulder from the x-files). both are mutable and connected to faith and beliefs. both are haunted by the need for perfection due to unrealistic expectations. neither is noted for common sense or doing anything half-assed. the thing is, this placement will tend to overemphasise whatever issues are valued to you. naturally, pisces (neptune) is square sagittarius (9th house), indicating some conflict to be resolved. neptune in the 9th is also a mix of fire and water, giving it a great emotional intensity.

there’s two types of you: those who will lean towards the 9th house and say the truth no matter who gets hurt; and those who follow neptune and choose to lie to protect others’ feelings. you’re pulled in both directions and will need to find a middle ground to satisfy your need for truth and others at the same time. if you don’t, explosions of repressed feelings will occur that will seem OOC for the people around you. you also must be wary of your expectations with education; being educated about everything won’t fulfill every need in you.

balance is an important lesson for you. you always want to go overboard w the next big idea; the challenge is to act on them practically and without dangerous disruptions in other areas of your life. examine your personal beliefs, conscious and unconscious. clarify your expectations about truth, philosophy and the meaning of life.

neptune in the 10th house

positively, someone with this placement can be drawn into a deeply spiritual or creative career, or maybe something to do with counseling. you’ll be inclined to dedicate a great deal of time and energy to said career because it provides you with an enormous sense of fulfillment that you don’t find in other areas of life. you might as well revolve your life around your job. that’s fine, as long as you stay aware of your choice and make the effort to cultivate some personal relationships and outside interests. you tend to be happiest when working - with something you love, obviously. you may feel a responsibility to contribute something meaningful to the world, whether in terms of helping others or creatively. that’s great, but you’ll also feel your work is just that, a contribution - a piece in the grand scheme of things.

you’ll be a great deal happier when employed, but you also need to feel you’re improving; you’re ambitious, whether or not you’re aware of it. you always have an eye in the possibility of promotion, for the 10th house is not only about a career but to success defined in worldly terms. this means an unconscious need to gain more and more, in position, status and salary. if this remains unconscious, you might let it take over your life. few people find lifetime satisfaction within a career unless it’s spiritual, educational or creative. 

negatively, this placement finds people who can’t find satisfaction anywhere outside their job. such person lives for her job, and expects it to provide for all needs: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. they may expect the job itself to be perfect, and be miserable when it’s not. another negative expression is the indecision regarding a career, not being able to truly commit to anything. you want something big and important, something perfect (ps: it doesn’t exist), something better and of more help to humanity than anyone else has come up with. yet you often expect to accomplish this without any training or effort.

this placement might also refer to the father (10th house = saturn): you might think the world of your dad and wish to be like him or, negatively, you may have expected him to be perfect. some of you might have him on a pedestal and not accept the idea of him being less than perfect. or he might’ve been a strange figure; he might’ve been withdrawn, either a victim or simply a loner. he may have died or left your life altogether, leaving you with a fantasy figure, a father who only exists in your mind. you’ll benefit greatly by examining your beliefs about his importance in your life. you might avoid thinking of him altogether and the same is true of your career: you might expect far too much or deny its importance.

neptune in the 11th house

this placement inspires a natural caring for others and immediate feeling of bonding and solidarity with those with whom wer share this planet. many have an utopian visions and will join groups that promote humanitarian or social causes. you feel the need to participate w other in bringing their idea of good into the world. you’ll likely fight for the underdog. if some segment of society is mistreated, you feel it as if it were happening to you. some might be more attracted to artistic or spiritual groups. if neptune has hard aspects, your group might have big ideas but never bring them to fruition.

in less politically minded people, group activities can simply be a way of escaping routine. you could lose yourselves in a social whirl, seeking ever more interesting friends and parties. if neptune is badly aspected, there could be disillusionment or deception through friendships. you easily feel your friendship ideals are being betrayed. some may even manipulate friends by making them feel sorry for you. another manifestation of this placement is that your friends carry the neptunian projection: you might find yourself drawn to artists, healers, romantic daydreamers, or just losers lmao.

neptune in the 12th house

ahh, neptune at home. this can be a double dose of either comfort or dissatisfaction. the hardest part of this placement is the lack of consciousness about itself and how it operates. what works from the unconscious has far more power to affect us than we think. 

it might be difficult for you to think about your own values; they’re so unquestioned as to be beyond challenge. you think they simply are what they are, and resist any categorisation or definition. you can’t separate yourself from them. with neptune here, you’re less connected to the material world than others, more in tune with the spiritual one. you could well have psychic abilities. you never fully embrace “reality” because you’re aware, if only barely, that the universe encompasses so much more than our minds can handle. the danger is that you’ll come to this conclusion before developing any ego strenght. with ego strenght, you honor yourself as well as your vision; without it you’ll tend to be overwhelmed and easily terrified.

with neptune in the 12th, you need to take a long hard look at your tendency to idealise peace, universal love, sacrifice and service, art and music, and the spiritual path. this placement isn’t a problem by itself, unless there’s other contradicting placements or bad aspects. if nothing is repressed or ignored, it’s actually a fantastic gift. the main problem is the aforementioned lack of awaress of what your values mean and how they affect the quality of your life. my friend with this placement feels that death is simply another step of growth for the soul; of course she grieves, but she tends to think everything happens for a reason. i deeply admire her ability to live in touch with both the material and spiritual world.

[ashenpages]

Current Projects & Emoji Voting Key

Quick disclaimer: I’m a romance writer in all aspects of the term, so most of my works will contain mature content. Engage at your own risk, you know the rules, you’re responsible for curating your own experience of the internet, blah blah blah.

This post serves as a current mock up of fic ideas I’m either actively working on or considering working on next. You can drop me an ask about any of them, or just vote via the emoji combo I’ve assigned them.

Voting lets me know you’re excited about an idea and makes it more likely I’ll actually work on it. You can vote anytime, there’re no deadlines or winner announcements, just me gauging your interest by what I see in my ask box most often.

You can also ask me about the original stuff I’m working on currently. The current WIPs are Medusa centric and the emoji for them is: 🐍

Support my original work on Ko-fi and Patreon.

- Lupin: 🤑🤠💍  These are all oneshot ideas, between 5-15K each. If you want to vote for a specific idea, send me the emojis and the number of the idea.

Born from the idea that Goemon and Zenigata probably couldn’t be an item, my brain decided to come up with how I could write for them. Goemon’s teaching an ikebana class as part of his training, and Zenigata shows up as a student on forced recreational leave for his health from the ICPO. Zenigata wins the samurai’s heart through flowers. But what happens when Lupin and Jigen find out? (Only good sexy things, I promise. These beans are in a healthy polycule--be gay, do crimes) (WIP)

Jigen/Lupin, but it's Jigen deciding to seduce Lupin while wearing his own Lupin disguise. The thief is waaaaay too into it, and some artistry is taken with the sex so that they don't mess up the disguise too much during their encoutner.

Jigen/Zenigata/Lupin where Jigen has some fantasices about Zenigata, but is pretty sure they'll never happen. Tells Lupin about them. Suddenly the fantasies are coming true, in the middle of a heist, and Jigen doesn't what to do except get swept up in the moment and enjoy. Plot twist, it's Lupin dressed up as Zenigata granting all his gunman's dreams. Plot twist again, Zenigata catches them at it.

Zenigata/Lupin, where Lupin keeps doing good things in illegal ways and Pops has to find a way to punish him for it. Good thing for Pops Lupin's a masochist?

Trans!Lupin and Trans!Jigen premise: Jigen cares for Lupin after the master thief has top surgery, since Jigen has Been There and Done That. Caring, sweet, and a little sexy. Lupin is a much better patient than Jigen.

The one time Zenigata caught Lupin in an alley and kissed him and it was Jigen in disguise. Things get sexy anyway, and Zenigata has crushes on two thieves now. Lupin and Jigen "kidnap" him later for an evening of taking care of their inspector.

The background plot of Jigen's Gravestone where we see Jigen think he's done for and try to leave Lupin. Our thief has none of it, and we get to relish in the inherent eroticism of Lupin sitting in sniper fire, knowing Jigen's got his back. This is the moment I think Jigen finally believes he can be with Lupin forever.

I love the idea of something longer and more plot driven like a Lupin special where Lupin ends up in hot water and Jigen and Fujiko have to work together to save him. Jigen and Fujiko have such an interesting relationship. They're both partners of Lupin, they don't really like each other, they constantly screw the other over, but when it really matters they take care of each other. I'd like to see that highlighted a little more and also give them space to call each other out and bicker. Nothing sexy between them, but maybe a really interesting threesome with Lupin and Fujiko in a strap on once they save their boy.

- Sonic Vampire Novelist Coffee Shop AU: 📚☕💐

Shadow is an immortal vampire who has seen the world change for the worse too many times. These days it feels like he only lives for his coffee dates with Rouge, another immortal who loves each new era they encounter, warts and all. He has to admit that the book series she got him into speaks to him, at least. If someone in this era can understand him without meeting him, it can’t all be bad. But he hardly expected the goofy blue barista at the new coffee place to understand him the way those books do.

This is a novel length romcom romp with some big feelings about what it means to watch as things change, grow, and die. Expect lots of Big gothic feelings from this one, emotionally charged kissing, and overly-adoring sex. But also expect shenanigans from everyone in the coffee shop, which include Rouge, Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Cream, and more.

- Sonic Blazamy, "Like the Sun": 💖🌸💎

Amy Rose has been in love with Sonic for a while.

Or has she?

When the Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Silver are trapped as the fuel sources for Doctor Eggman’s newest evil scheme, Amy teams up with Blaze, Rouge, and Cream to save them. With Sonic out of the picture and Amy fulfilling his role, was she ever really in love with him? Or did she just want to be like him?

This is a novel length epic romance with lots of competent women and lots of romantic Blazamy content. Expect flowery hopes and dreams, badass self-actualization, and glancing hand touches that give way to cuddly and sweet sex.

- Persona 5: 🗡🍛☕

After bringing down the Metaverse twice, Ryuji didn’t think graduating high school and figuring out what to do with his life would be so hard. Akira’s back in town, and the gang’s more-or-less all in Tokyo, but everyone else seems to have a plan while Ryuji just floats. How’s he supposed to change the world when he’s not a phantom thief anymore?

This is a novel length fic that addresses how powerless one can feel being just one person in the face of all the corrupted systems and bigotry the world has to offer. It’s about holding on to what you believe in, working through the doubt, and fighting your way to a better tomorrow with the power you do have. The whole gang is queer, featured relationships being Mako x Ann, Ryuji x Akira, Futaba & Yusuke as platonic life partners. Akira is polyamorous and omnisexual, Futaba’s asexual and aromantic while Yusuke is demisexual and very romantic, Makoto’s a lesbian, Ann and Ryuji are bi, and Haru’s pansexual, demisexual, and aromantic. They’re one giant band of queer Phantom Thieves, and even if they’re not really doing the Metaverse thing anymore, they’re still gonna save the world!

Also, I’m gonna make Makoto not a cop. That super didn’t age well. Zenkichi and his boss can work on making them better/abolishing them for other better organizations.

- Hades Game: ❤️‍🔥💀

Oneshot. I just really need to elaborate on the threesome you can have with them in-game, okay? Healthy and canon poly relationships are so few and far between, so often I have to do a ton of groundwork to explain why it’s working in the fic, but NOT WITH THESE KIDS!

Get ready for Meg helping Zag and Than be better at expressing their feelings, lots of kissing, and probably pegging.

- Castlevania Animation Trevor/Sypha/Alucard: 🧛🏰🛌

Castlevania gave Alucard a threesome last season, and I just really need S4 to give me him being taken care of by his partners. They’re probably not going to give it to me, so I’ll need to do it myself. This is just an everybody loves Alucard oneshot, with the gang’s signature banter (to an extent), Sypha being sexy, and Trever being remarkably sincere. This fic is gonna feel like that Ann Hathaway picture with Trevor kissing Alucard and Sypha holding the end of Trevor’s whip while she leans her head on Alucard’s shoulder adoringly.

- Devil May Cry Nico/Lady/Trish: 💋✨😈

Nico’s gay, okay? Like really, really gay. And Lady’s bi and not into men who make her pay bills, but very into women who make amazing guns for her and demonesses with hearts who fight by her side. Trish is ace, but loves people and is pretty attached to Lady at this point. Plus it’s cute when Lady blushes and says nice things like they’re insults. I don’t have super solid ideas for them yet, and I envision these more like a polycule where Lady’s with Nico and with Trish but they’re not with each other more than seeing it as a threesome, but who knows what might happen. This is probably 1-2 oneshots depending on ideas, but might turn into a series of oneshots if people are interested (or I can’t control myself and inspiration strikes).

- Post FMA:B Blind Roy & No Alchemy Ed: 👀👑🙏

This is actually an old novel-length fic I wrote ages ago and didn’t post that didn’t turn out well because I was new to writing sex when I first wrote it. The plot is good, and is all about Roy learning to work with his blindness to reclaim his ambition of being Fuhrer and changing the system to something that actually cares for its people. He and Ed reconnect, fall into bed, and both set about working through their respective traumas about being “useless” having lost their sight/alchemy. They go to Xing as an ambassadorial party to offer Amestris’s collaboration on Al and May’s Alkahestry experiments--and uncover a plot that might threaten both kingdoms.

- Age of Calamity continuity Mipha x Revali: 🦚🐟💘

The first time Revali noticed Mipha, it was in the heat of battle. She stole his mark, taking them down with a flurry of quick blows from her spear. Violence rained from her like water--and then she healed him on her way to her next battle. No questions, no conditions, just pure kindness. The usual need to measure himself against those around him was quiet in her wake. And Revali couldn’t understand it. But how to get to know more about her? A fish and bird may fall in love, but where would they live?

This fic could be a oneshot or novel length depending on how far down the hole I fall. I need it to cover time, but it could be done in linked vignettes or with actually covering events in detail. I may elect to do a oneshot just to get it done and out of my system faster. So much fic to write, so little time.

Expect trans!Revali, polyamorous Zoras, scary competent Mipha, songbird Revali, love confessions that are made up entirely of berating Link for not loving Mipha the way she wants him to, and breaking these characters a little outside of their assigned roles in BotW and Age of Calamity. Background Link x Zelda, and Urbosa x Zelda’s Mom.

- Epic desert romance about Urbosa and Zelda’s mom: 🏜🏝⚡

I just think Urbosa should kiss women and Zelda’s mom should get more development and maybe a name or something. Also, lightning imagery/metaphors/play.

It also went way over my head that Riju wasn’t Urbosa’s daughter the first time I played BotW, so now I want to write about the Gerudo queen who refused to produce an heir. The Gerudo are fascinating and have a very interesting cutlure, but I think it could be examined from a nonbinary perspective that rejected pregnancy and wanting to find a husband. Not in like a hateful way, but in a way that examines if that’s really right for everyone. There’s that shop in town that sells Voe armor, after all. Maybe finding a husband and having children isn’t something you have to do if you don’t want to. And Urbosa really doesn’t want to.

[chokemeanakin]

Give Me Love

Chapter Three

Wc: 2.3k

MASTERLIST

All along, Anakin knew what he was doing. He could sense the crush you had on him since the night he had thanked you for saving Ahsoka. He didn’t even have to reach out to feel the effect he had on you-- your force signature sizzled with nerves, so strong sometimes it twisted his own gut.

He thought it was cute, until he realized the strength of your anxiety hadn’t faded, even weeks after you had first met. Then, he grew worried. Was your bashfulness not of infatuation? Were you actually scared of him? What had he done to make you feel that way?

His concerns grew stronger as he tried time and time again to catch your eye. To get you to carry a conversation with him. He would watch you from across the room, laughing and gesturing wildly with your hands as you talked with Sabe and Ahsoka. But when he came around, always, you would pull away-- duck your head, soften your voice, recede back into that shell of yours. He just wanted you to talk to him.

So when the opportunity to walk you home from Dex’s came from his scheming Padawan, there was no way he could refuse. Sure, he’d just gotten done with his Jedi duties for the day, and he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to shower and hit the pillow. But your company and attention was dangled over his head— a chance to understand you better, understand why you avoided him like the plague-- obviously he had to take it.

That night, it was confirmed that you liked him. You liked him a lot. He felt the waves of your burning heart crackle over his skin, sink its way into his own veins. He was giddy with flatter, but something else buzzed at the back of his mind. It added a pep to his walk as he raced down the apartment steps, opening the door up to the fresh night air, sucking in a deep breath to soothe his sparking nerves at the sudden revelation:

He liked you.

He had suspected, when your sweet face appeared in his dreams for the third night in a row. And then, when he heard your timid voice come over Ahsoka’s com—

“Hello, General Skywalker”— his stomach did a funny little flip.

When he had said your name in the starfighter hangar, he felt that gushing warmth leak off of your force signature, and a similar feeling encouraged a fond triumph he felt at being able to get such a reaction from you.

And again when he knocked on the door to your workstation in the medbay— the one he found because Ahsoka had given him the room number after a careful inquisition— and he had seen you covered in blood like the first time you guys met.

That first day on Hyloth, he hadn’t really been paying attention. His Padawan had very nearly died, and he couldn’t focus on the wide-eyed fawn sitting across from him that had just worked magic with her hands, saving his apprentice’s life.

But now, the thought of those steely eyes had him spurning to action. He had been searching for an excuse to get you alone for weeks, when finally— that ticket to the hell-gates they call the Opera turned out to be his paradise in disguise. It was smooth sailing after that.

For you, it was all stress-tears, tugging hair, and trashed closets as Sabe and Ahsoka struggled to help find you something to wear.

“You’re going to come right from your shift,” Sabè pointed out. “Why can’t you just stay in your scrubs?”

“Anakin said we could stop here if I wanted to change,” you answered meekly. “I can’t go to dinner with him in scrubs!”

“But you like your scrubs.”

“He probably doesn’t.”

“Y/n,” Ahsoka caught you by the shoulders. You sniffed tearfully. “Get ahold of yourself. Anakin does not care. You could be wearing a trash bag, for Force sake, and he’d still like you.”

“He’d— what?”

Ahsoka paled. Sabè snickered.

Her words played over and over in your mind on a tape reel. He’d still like you. He’d still like you. He’d still like you.

He likes me?

Your face erupted into flame, and your heart stuttered in your chest. All thoughts left your head except for those four glorious words, growing louder and louder with each passing second, sounding less and less like a dream.

He likes me!

“Gaahh,” Ahsoka moaned, throwing herself onto your bed and crossing her arms fitfully. “This is so training school. I did not tell you that.”

Her sharp Togruta teeth made an appearance at the request/threat, and you nodded automatically. Your head was still fuzzy, but you found your lips moving.

“Did he… did he tell you that?”

90% of you still didn’t believe it. You trusted Ahsoka with every bone in your body, and Ahsoka had no reason to lie, but for some reason you just could not absorb the fact that Anakin motherfucking Skywalker might like you.

It was impossible.

“He didn’t have to,” Ahsoka rolled her eyes. “I know my Master like the back of my hand.”

“But… but how do you know?”

“Please, have you seen the way he looks at you? He’s constantly asking about you— ‘Have you seen Y/n today? Has she done something different with her hair? Will she be coming by the mess hall later? Why doesn’t she want to talk to me?’ He even asked me what your station number was in the medbay yesterday so he could find you— and he thought he was being sneaky about it.”

All these new revelations coming out.. they punched you in the stomach, one by one. The thud of your heart became thick, and your breathing grew labored. Sabè heard the telltale whistle first, and her hand flew to the bedside drawer.

“Easy there, iron-lung,” she teased, tossing you your inhaler. It smacked into your palm, but the flesh was numb as you fumbled with the cap to get it off. You fit the opening between your lips and pressed on the top. The medicine dispensed into your throat, and you sucked in to force it to take action in your lungs. Ahsoka chewed on her lip as she waited for you to inhale another dose before she spoke again.

“You really like him that much?” Her voice was soft.

You nodded, pouting and capping your inhaler. If it wasn’t obvious, you were head over heels for Anakin. You thought she was just now beginning to get the true depth of your feelings.

“Okay,” she ran two stressed hands over her face. “Okay.”

If this was any other Jedi you were talking to, you would have been nervous. The Order forbids attachment, meaning Jedi cannot be in relationships. They can’t love exclusively. They can’t hold a romantic position in anyone’s life.

That’s why you had tried to hide your feelings about Ahsoka’s Master from her at first. Why she had such a hard time getting it out of you— you naturally assumed she was just as strict on that rule as the rest of the Jedi. But then… after a girls night out, where you, Sabè, and Ahsoka were sitting at a table in a nightclub, having some fun and shooting back far too many shots… she let the truth slip out.

Too many truths, really, and none her own.

She slurred about how angry Anakin made her. How he kept secrets from her, and how much it hurt that he wouldn’t trust her. Trust her with what?

With his relationship.

You and Sabè had reeled back, and then laughed. Anakin? In a relationship? Impossible! Ridiculous! It was forbidden. But Ahsoka wasn’t laughing. She explained how he was in love with Padme Amidala, the Senator from Naboo.

Sabè stopped laughing. That was her boss, and she was second in command to the woman. They worked closely together all their lives. You watched as Sabè’s mind whirled, and slowly the pieces clicked together.

It could make sense. I’ve seen her slip away a few times… seen her come back all flushed and giddy… like a girl in love.

Your heart dropped. It had been plummeting ever since Ahsoka mentioned Anakin was in a relationship. It felt like it was being torn out straight from your chest.

That’s not allowed, you protested. As if that could change anything.

You should know by now, Anakin rarely cares for the rules. He’s loved Padme since he was a little boy— nothing was going to stop him from having her.

You tried to hide your wince with each stinging word. More than anything else, you wanted to just stop talking about it. To forget you ever found out, and live in that blissful fantasy you’d created in your mind where anything was possible. Every new truth that saw light felt like an ice cold bucket over your head, smudging out your burning heart. But you had to ask, just to see her stance on it...

You’ve been keeping it a secret?

Of course I’m keeping it a secret. I know he’d do the same for me. And she made him happy, so I didn’t really see the harm. Sometimes… I wish I could have what he and Padme had. I think it should be allowed.

And then.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. He was a wreck when they broke up. Wouldn’t talk to anyone for days. Not even me. Why won’t he trust me?

Your heart paused in it’s free-fall.

Why’d they… why’d they break up, do you think?

I did overhear him and Obi-Wan discuss her when they thought I was sleeping. Obi-Wan was asking why the two never spoke anymore when they had once been great friends. All Anakin said was that she was using him for political gain. ‘She had the voice, but I made it echo,’ is what he said. It makes sense. The Senate views him as a hero, and if they knew she was good friends with him, more votes would sway in her direction.”

Your insides were spitting confetti, cheering bells ringing in your head. A calm ocean of relief washed over you— nothing to worry about. Anakin wasn’t taken. And Anakin had a history of dating. Which meant… feasibly… in your imagination… it wasn’t impossible for what you yearned for so desperately. Your silly little daydreams didn’t look so silly anymore.

It could happen.

Your mind took it and ran, conjuring up all sorts of scenarios where he took you in his arms and declared his love. You thought about it before you fell asleep, woke up to his fading voice swearing his loyalty to you over and over, played it through your head as you completed your everyday procedural tasks in the medbay. They were fantasies— ridiculous and impractical— but they were your comfort to quell the molten burn of your lava heart.

The day after, Ahsoka had woken up with a terrible hangover and an even terrible regret.

You can’t tell anyone I said that, she had cried— the first time you’d ever seen her cry. I promised myself I would never betray Anakin like that.

Of course you wouldn’t go to the Council. She really had to have more faith in you and Sabè. His secret was safe with you, and so was Ahsoka’s similar disregard for the “no attachment” rule.

That’s why you were comfortable with sharing your true feelings about Anakin with her— because you knew she would accept it for what they were, and not freak out and get Anakin kicked out of the order. She had romantic experiences before as well, all of which she’d come to you and Sabè for advice, and then a shoulder to lean on when they didn’t work out.

You really thought the Order should rethink that rule. Two of their greatest Jedi have broken it, and they’re still doing good work for them.

But alas, it had to remain a secret. Just like Anakin’s feelings for you, as it so gloriously turned out.

“Wear the scrubs,” Ahsoka finally got her thoughts in order. She sat up and poked you on the cheek. “He likes seeing you in your element.”

“It’ll take a lot less time, as well,” Sabè chimed in, always the voice of reason. “Dex’s is 8 blocks over. It would be ridiculous to go from the Temple, here, and then backtrack 10 blocks just so you can put on a dress. Besides, it’s Dex’s.”

She was right. You didn’t need to look fancy at all. And if Anakin liked seeing you in your scrubs… well…

Excitement began to battle out the nerves. But— you were still so nervous. You couldn’t help it. It had your stomach churning, nausea rising steadily as each second that passed brought you closer to your dinner with Anakin. Now, with the excitement coupled in, your nerves were beginning to feel burnt out, your mind frazzled and weary. You sat down heavily onto the bed next to Ahsoka, rubbing your forehead with your fingers.

“I can’t take this stress,” you admitted. It was one thing to be buzzing with it every second that Anakin occupied space in your mind. It was another to admit it to your friends out loud— to give in to the insecurities.

“You can,” Sabè leveled a steady gaze into you. Her brown eyes were warm and brave. A politician's confidence with a freedom-fighter’s heart. “Just think of what could happen if things turn out amazing. Think of how proud of yourself you’ll be.”

“Besides, it’s just Anakin,” Ahsoka tried to hammer that statement into you once again, with little luck. “He already likes you. You have nothing to lose.”

Taglist:

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[chibimyumi]

how would you describe ciel’s and sebastian’s relationship? like yes literally it’s contractor and the one who agrees to the contract. but like their day to day relationship with eachother. i dont ship them but i love how they interact with one another but don’t know how to characterize their relationship.

Dear Anon,

O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship is not something I could fit into any inter-human relationship categories. This is because theirs is simply something that seems very unlikely for humans to have in our society. However, that is exactly what makes this master-servant duo interesting.

Most clinically, O!Ciel and Sebastian are indeed master and servant, child and adult. Though surely very rare, child-employers with adult-employees might exist in our world. What makes O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship unique is by no means limited to this ‘subversion’ of child-adult dynamic. Let us unpack this master-servant bond category by category, layer by layer.

1. Child vs Adult – Age Dynamic

A unique characteristic of O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship is how they do not behave like any child vs adult would. Sebas treats O!Ciel like a child, but he does not see his master as a child. And by ‘child’, I mean more specifically ‘a less-than-adult’ person. To Sebastian who is centuries old, a human who is 13 is as inexperienced and foolish as a 30 or 60 year old human. Instead, it seems like Sebas treats O!Ciel like a child only because it gets on his master’s nerves and it is entertaining.

We must remember that humans are cattle to Sebas, and that O!Ciel is no exception. For analogy’s sake, let us imagine a pig. Humans usually don’t have a higher regard or respect for adult pigs than they have for piglets. We don’t take adult pigs more seriously than we do piglets.

2. Master vs Servant – Power Dynamic

The most unique part in O!Ciel and Sebas’ relationship is not that a child is the employer of an adult, omnipotent demon. The uniqueness is in the detail that this specific employer has absolute command over Sebastian, and can even use the demon’s powers against him at will. We see in the Werewolf Arc for example, how O!Ciel has practically already broken his end of the contract. Sebastian was in full right to claim his payment for his service and return home. But since the contract was technically not over yet, O!Ciel stopped the demon from exerting his right with just one simple phrase: “it’s an order.”

Sebastian may seem all-powerful, but if O!Ciel wishes to make Sebas do something against his will, O!Ciel merely needs to use the binding magical term “it’s an order”. This binding term is so powerful it can infringe all of Sebastian’s personal autonomy, and it would be ““legal””. What if Sebas doesn’t want to be touched? “It’s an order, let person X touch you and get away without harm.” What if Sebas doesn’t want to expose himself to lethal danger? “It’s an order, do it anyway.”

This is the reason why SebaCiel could never work (even if O!Ciel were an adult!), simply because the power balance is inherently tipped way too much to O!Ciel’s side. A romantic and/or sexual relationship cannot work as long as the power balance is off, and true consent cannot be given on all sides. Consent that can be coerced, or cannot be withdrawn freely, is not true consent, after all.

3. Master vs Servant - Bickering

There is a lot of back-and-forth bickering between O!Ciel and Sebastian, which is very uncharacteristic of employer-employee relationships (No way I’m going to bicker against my boss!) Sometimes the bickering is light-hearted and comical, and I surmise this is part of the reason people might have the illusion that their power-dynamic is not completely off (as described above).

This light-hearted bickering is a great appeal, and it makes the master not behave like a full master, and the servant not like a full servant. On surface their contract bears semblance to a friendly relationship wherein both parties also fulfil their respective roles in this employment. This is a powerful ingredient in their usually fantastic cooperation during their missions! O!Ciel allows Sebas some freedom (when he sees fit), while Sebas returns this ‘kind gesture’ with helpful initiatives (when he sees fit). I dare say that many if not most ‘Kuroshitsuji’ fans are here exactly for this reason. Regardless of how fantastic this cooperation might be however, at core their relationship is still ‘employment’.

On the darker side however, this bickering is also one of the fruits born from insidious manipulation. In this post I discussed how Sebastian stretches his arms and legs as WIDELY as possible within his tiny constraints. To a certain extent, O!Ciel turns a blind eye (pun not intended) to it. Why though?

Of course O!Ciel is not a complete tyrant towards Sebastian, but this is the result that Sebastian managed to fight and win for himself. All the way back in chapter 138 Sebas didn’t even know O!Ciel yet, and yet he already made very clear that:

He should not try to exert too much control over him

That if he does try to do so, he should be careful with words

That if he is not careful, Sebas will take any opportunity to punish him for careless word-choice

In this small incident O!Ciel learned that if his demon misbehaves, he’d have himself to blame. THIS is the silent lesson Sebas instilled into the boy; that if Sebas mistreats O!Ciel, it is not Sebas who crossed boundaries, but that O!Ciel didn’t set the boundaries right. “O!Ciel had it coming”. This lesson taught by Sebas leans dangerously close to – if not downright within – the category of victim-blaming. (Sebas you trashy Trash Demon™, I love you.)

3.1. Circus Arc

So far in the manga, the most obvious example of this victim-blaming dynamic is the incident with the snakes in the Circus Arc. Sebas very clearly reminded O!Ciel that he is not above allowing his master to get hurt semi-mortally. O!Ciel was seething when he found out, and justly so. But did Sebas show any remorse? Of course not. Instead he blamed O!Ciel for:

Not being careful enough with his commands

Being too boring to see the ‘fun’ in this game

3.2. Jack the Ripper Arc

Far more dramatically, this same victim-blaming dynamic can found in the Jack the Ripper Arc, and this one arguably even dictated how O!Ciel is going to become as a person.

In the Ripper Arc Sebas also obeyed O!Ciel’s order to the T. But that’s it; only to the T and nothing more. Because the demon deliberately withheld information from his master necessary for the investigation, more victims fell while the case was still in O!Ciel’s hands. Who gets the blame? Jack the Ripper obviously. But who is made to bear the guilt? O!Ciel is; through the victim-blaming Sebastian made him internalise.

O!Ciel is still O!Ciel, so he probably didn’t really lose any sleep over the deaths of 5 people. But had he not been him, then surely this guilt would have been mind-crippling. However, we need to bear in mind that O!Ciel was not unaffected; had Sebas not withheld information, then O!Ciel would have stopped the murders earlier, and presented a scapegoat to the Queen. Let’s be fair, had Madam been arrested then she’d still be awaiting capital punishment. But as the Watchdog, O!Ciel pulls some strings. He would have tried VERY hard not to lose his aunt too.

As it is however, the enormous guilt about the death of his own aunt is what Sebas made O!Ciel suffer through slow and insidious manipulation. Sebas never gave O!Ciel the time to mourn his aunt, and instead pressured the boy into admitting that he ‘callously sacrificed Madam as a pawn’. He made him mentally TAKE the blame for the murder that Grell committed, and Sebas could have helped prevent.

As we can see in chapter 13, O!Ciel was desperately trying to externalise the blame, coming up with excuse after excuse, justification after justification. None however, works. Good seasoning skills, Sebas, amazing food-prep.

I am fairly certain that O!Ciel doesn’t even realise how much he’s being emotionally manipulated by his butler throughout the years. This insight about emotional manipulation and psychological abuse is something that requires a level of abstract comprehension we cannot expect from most people, let alone a 13 year old child (however smart they may be.)

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, both Sebas and O!Ciel exist in this relationship rather amicably on surface level, but they are inherently toxic to each other. Sebas is continuously manipulating and emotionally abusing O!Ciel, while O!Ciel holds the absolute power to infringe all of Sebastian’s autonomy.

This ⇊ illustration by Yana is the perfect symbolisation of their bond.

We can attach adjectives like “f*cking toxic” and “fascinating” to this relationship, but we can’t find a category of inter-human relationship to fit O!Ciel and Sebastian into. In real life there are no children who can wield magical command to strip someone entirely of their autonomy. Likewise, there are very few adults who would not consider a child as ‘less-than-adult’. Should we try to shoe-horn O!Ciel and Sebas into a human category, then we risk over-simplifying this relationship. Over-simplification of this relationship can be very harmful, because the subverted formula of “child-master and adult-servant” SEEMS to compensate for the inherent power imbalance.

Yana however, managed to write this relationship SO brilliantly complex, that Sebas will always remain the servant who is at O!Ciel’s mercy, while O!Ciel suffers continuous mental abuse despite holding the ultimate ace card against a demon. This complex relationship is the ultimate evidence that even the most toxic relationships can look functional on surface level, and I love hating it!

I hope this helps give some insight!

[alyblacklist]

do you think keen and ressler will be officially together by the end of this season? or do you think maybe season 9 or end of the series all together? i feel like you have good instincts and predictions about stuff like this and the plot. So what do you think?

I appreciate that you think that, anon. Believe me, though, I’ve been wrong on plenty of things over the seasons.   

Before they took this most recent turn and actually made Keenler canon, I was of the view that there were two likely potential outcomes to the series with respect to Liz and her love life. One was an ambiguous, “status quo” sort of ending where Liz is not romantically attached to anyone, she’s just living her life with Agnes etc.  The second was that they would actually bring her and Ressler together near the end of the series after some dramatic moment that caused them to finally admit their feelings and establish them as a canon couple with the potential for a longer term future together.  A second chance for both of them after having their lives upended by the death of their first loves.  I never really felt that we’d get canon Keenler on screen for very long in the series because of them being partners and having to work together and the fact I didn’t really see the writers wanting to bring in another long-term domestic storyline for Liz after jettisoning Tom.

And then the writers surprised me by bringing them together romantically much sooner than I expected and upended everything. But, it makes sense that they did it now with where the story has gone, and Liz on the run, because having taken that extra step with Ressler adds a whole new dynamic to their relationship.  There’s an established investment of feelings there now that before was only hinted at. It’s not just waking up and heading into work together for the day all boring and perfect like Saram.  Many Keenlers hoped for something like this back in S3 when Liz was on the run but in retrospect, it was too soon.  But they did it now because it adds something new to the drama of the hunt for Liz and to the dynamics of the relationships between Liz and Ressler, Ressler and Red etc. in ways that I hope we will see a great deal more of this season.

So where do we go from here? The feelings are there, the writers have taken the step, and no matter what bumps this season may bring, I feel like they are not going to backtrack on them now having taken 8 years to build them up slowly (and most especially these past couple of seasons since S6)  So I am now more confident that they will be together at least in the way they are now by the end of the series.  

My perfect outcome to this season would be Liz returning to the fold having learned enough truth about Red to realize they should be on the same side and not enemies and have Liz, and Ressler and the rest of the Task Force working in conjunction with Red next season to finish whatever his mission is. Each fighting for their own better future in their own way.  But I wouldn’t go so far as to predict that wishful outcome because it feels like a “too good to be true” scenario and this is TBL, after all, and there are always curveballs.

Bottom line:  I remain absolutely confident in Keenler and in their relationship and in the fact they are each other’s second chance at love and family and all the things Red has promised Liz since the start of this series. I remain confident in a positive ending to the show for Liz because otherwise it will feel like Red’s efforts failed.  What that means for the end of THIS season as opposed to next?  Ask me again in May.  LOL.  In the meanwhile, expect drama and angst because that is the price of the ship being canon now vs in the final few episodes.

[linkspooky]

Eren and Historia

Eren and Historia have a connection to one another. No, I don’t think they are romantically connect, nor do I believe they are co-conspirators plotting to destroy the world together. However, the narrative is pushing the idea that Eren and HIstoria are somehow connected and continually pushing them next to each other.  Eren kissing Historia’s ring is the trigger for his vision that commits him to the path of destroying the world. Eren uses Historia as a reason to accelerate his plan. Eren confides his plan solely in Historia. The reason  this line is drawn between the two characters is that they are CHARACTER FOILS. Eren and Historia are two people who seem like opposites but they’re actually incredibly similiar to one another. Almost too similiar to ever et along. The extreme similarities between Eren and Historia, and their character foiling underneath the cut. 

1. Historia’s Regression

So I’ve gotten countless asks on my opinion of Historia’s behavior in the final arc. My opinion is that we’re being shown the result of her regression to her pre-uprising arc self. Is this the best writing choice for Historia’s character? I do not know. There are two schools of literary analysis that boil down to “Is the writing good?” or “what is the author trying to say?” and I much prefer to stick to the latter. I think the text is attempting to portray Historia regressing on her character arc, and as a person to mirror Eren’s own regression. 

Everybody is regressing in the final arc. Armin lets his poor self-esteem sabotage his decision making ability like he did in Trost. Mikasa is struggling to find a way to live without Eren and see herself as a person seperate from Eren because of her codependent nature, once again like Trost. Annie wants to pretend that this all has nothing to do with her, like in the female titan arc. Hange can’t make a decision without Erwin around and wants to leave it all up to him even though he’s literally dead. The characters in the final arc are written as still struggling with what we think they should have gotten over with in earlier arcs. Heck, Jean still beats up Reiner over what happened to Marco.

It’s not because after all this time the characters haven’t progressed in their character arcs at all. It’s because the story structure of Attack on Titan is chiastic. The beginning and the end are written to mirror each other. 

Chiastic structure, or chiastic pattern, is a literary technique in narrative motifs and other textual passages. An example of chiastic structure would be two ideas, A and B, together with variants A' and B', being presented as A,B,B',A'.

Sometimes instead of character development being a straight journey from point A to point B, it’s instead more like a helicopter hovering around the point, continually circling it. The character has brief moments of revelation where you think they’ve had their big change only to regress later. Lemme use this example from Tokyo Ghoul to illustrate my idea. 

A character seems to be progressing, and we believe they are, only to regress in the end. I think narratively there is a very strong reason for Isayama using this style of character development. Every single major character is either a child soldier right now just barely on the cusp of adulthood, or they like Levi were child soldiers at one point or another. The adults, few that they are, are all either cast as incapable of acting as strong decisive role models (Hange) or are killed off eventually (Erwin). 

It’s like what Magath expresses in his final words, these children were never allowed to have a normal life because of him. If the narrative is about the evils of using child soldiers on both sides, both the Scouting Corps and Marleyans, then it would make sense that every single character is portrayed as either a child unable to grow up or an adult that has continually failed them. 

What we are being shown is every major character with an arc struggling with being unable to truly grow past who they were as children. Even when given the oppurtunity to grow, they falter with it, because they are child soldiers stunted by their trauma and that’s not an easy thing to overcome. Rather than a straight line we’re shown a circular process. Gabi and Falco are the only characters being shown with fully straight line arcs, but they are also far simpler than the other characters because they are children, and not stunted adults acting like children. Armin is passive, day dreaming, indecisive like he was when he was a child. Mikasa is overly attached to Eren like she was when she was a child. Heck, even Connie’s major flawed decision this arc is wanting his mother to return. Whcih is a symbol of wanting to return to the safety of childhood that he was suddenly and abruptly cut off from. 

Okay, that was a long tangent but I hope I have made my point on what I mean by regression. Eren and Historia are paralleled with each other because they more than anyone else, are regressing to their childhood selves. Where we see at least hints of progress with other characters (Armin, MIkasa, Jean) indication that they will eventually rise to the responsibility of adulthood we see only stagnation for these two characters. It’s because once again Eren and Historia are incredibly similiar as people. Heck, even the fact that they’re regressing the most is paralleled. The same chapter in which Eren declares he’s using the child Ymir’s power to destroy the world, we’re shown a flashback of Historia first and foremost. 

Eren empathizes with little girl Ymir, and Historia was told as a child that she should learn to be like Ymir, always kind and always putting others first. They both see themselves in Ymir and it symbolizes why they are connected, because deep down they are both that powerless little child. 

There are two big connections between Eren and Historia immediately. Number one is that the inciting incident of their trauma is the same. Yes, Historia grew up in a household where she was eteranlly bullied and belittled where Eren grew up fairly love and secured but they both suffer from the same traumatic incident. 

A titan suddenly killed the person who was the symbol of unconditional love and security in their lives, for Eren it was his mother, and for Historia her older sister. In a situaiton where they were completely powerless, they watched a titan kill their security and destroy their home and are rendered homeless children after that point. They both join the titan corps as a way of survival. The reason that Eren is shown encouraging his father to pull the trigger and completely eliminate the Reiss family, is because narratively these two events are supposed to be connected. They’re narrative parallels. Eren suffered the loss of his mother which is the root of his trauma, and then has a hand in inflicting that same trauma on Historia. 

They are two people connected by the nature of their worst trauma and what it did to them. Every time they try to progress as people, they instead regress because what happened then was so fundamanetally damaging it robbed them of the ability to be able to grow up. They will never feel like they have the security that children need in order to grow into adults. 

Historia and Eren are mirror images even in their lives. Eren is an ordinary child given an ordinary childhood. Historia was marked as different from birth and raised as a special person. However, they ended up in relatively the same position. They both regress. The nature of Eren’s regression should be obvious because he’s trying to destroy the world. In essence Eren has remained the same character all throughout, his primary goal was to kill all the titans beyond the walls, it’s just his target that has changed. 

So, let’s focus instead of how Historia has regressed. I will say before I begin though that Eren and Historia regress as opposites. Eren will always choose to be active, even if it means stealing agency from others. Historia will always choose to be passive, even if she has power over others. When they are pushed into a corner by circumstances they fall back on their worst habits and that’s why we see them regress. Externally, they have different mechanisms to handle it. Eren steals agency, Historia gives up agency. Internally, it’s practically for the same reason, because whatever security they have is continually ripped away from them leaving them unable to grow as people. 

So what is Historia’s regression? Basically Historia, like Eren is lacking of a sense of self. Historia has no consistency deep down to show who she is. Even with most of the other characters as childish as they can be have this, Mikasa is overprotective and likes family, Armin is a dreamer who wants to explore the world, Annie is self centered and wants a peaceful life. Eren even comments about this in regards to himself when comparing himself to Eren. Eren centers himself around violence, war, and his hatred. Armin has something else besides fighting, in order to build himself around. Therefore, Eren considers himself lacking as a person in comparison to Armin. Who would Eren be if he wasn’t trying to destroy all the titans? That’s a difficult question to answer. 

Historia is much the same way. Historia builds herself and her self of identity around the roles that other people ask her to play. The little girl Ymir is kind because she always did what others ask of her. Historia is always performing some role for the sake of everybody around her. 

I wouldn’t say that Historia’s arc in Uprising ends on a triumphant note, but rather an ambiguous one. The arcs aren’t lines, they’re circular. Historia even questions herself if she’s moving for the sake of herself or others. 

Here is how I see uprising. Your interpretation might differ. Historia steps out of the role of Krista. Historia, tries to be herself for a moment. At the end of the arc, rather than true liberation Historia chooses to step back into the role of queen. The only slight progress made is that she doesn’t entirely listen to Erwin’s orders. However, even her act of slaying a titan within the wall was a pre-planend action, a performance. It’s just one Historia altered slightly to give herself a more centered role.

If Historia is not someone moving to help others than who is she? We know she’s spunky, angry, etc. etc. but as a character she hasn’t really developed goals or wants and needs outside of that. We continually see her on the brink of that point, but never quite crossing the line. 

Eren and Historia are at the center of their existence very performative people. The reason nobody quite understands Eren is that he’s always putting on an act around other people. 

Eren and HIstoria even doubt the same things in chapter 68. That is to say, they doubt themselves. They doubt if they are really truly people who are capable of moving for themselves. Eren sees himself as someone who has nothing special about him, and therefore doesn’t matter. Deep down he’s always viewed himself as a weak and pathetic person. Historia doesn’t think she’s capable of making decisions for herself. It’s because they’ve been continually made to feel helpless all of their lives, that they doubt themselves to this degree. 

Their response to this is to perform for everyody else around them. Eren si continually performing as this super strong, determined child ready to fight the whole world. Whereas, Historia is performing in the roles that other people give her. She is Krista Lenz. She is the queen Historia Reiss. She is, always, always, always, what other people need her to be. Whereas, Eren performs what he wants to be, which is powerful. 

When Historia and Eren break down it is shown just how deeply similiar they are inside. They become what they continually are made to feel like, helpless children. Eren is constantly boasting about how he is going to kill all the titans, and yet deep down he’s always believed that he was all talk and that for him there was nothing behind those words. 

It’s the same for Historia just in an opposite direction. Historia is constantly talking about helping people, but deep down she doesn’t see herself as a genuinely altruistic person. Not only does she see herself as helpless (therefore incapable of helping people because she can’t help herself) but she sees her motivations for helping people as selfish. 

In the Uprising arc we even see this parallel. I mean I know many people interpret this as Historia’s big moment of independence, which is also a valid interpretation. I’m just giving you my interpretation. I also see this as Historia having a massive mental breakdown in the middle of a crisis moment. When they are pushed to their absolute limits and they can no longer pretend, Historia and Eren both break down and we see what they view themselves as. Eren sees himself as a crying and begging child insignificant, unpowerful, and helpless. Historia sees herself as a selfish child and a bad person. This is also something that reflects their upbringing. Historia was continually made to feel selfish due to being an abused bastard, for wanting even the most basic necessities a child needs like love and security. Eren had his security ripped away suddenly when his mother died and he was at the time, a helpless, crying child only able to watch. 

When Eren breaks down he says the same thing always. Nothing has changed from back then. Nothing has changed from when I saw my mother died. When Historia breaks down she says she can’t live up to the expectations of other people around her. 

Eren and Historia both see themselves as fundamentally unable to change from who they were as children, and that’s why we see them regressing to their most childlike selves here in this final arc. 

2. What is the point of Uprising Arc, then?

I know I read uprising differently from most of the people on this site. However, I’m not saying that Historia didn’t grow in Uprising at all, or even that she doesn’t have a chance to grow. Honestly, I think Uprising does a good job at portraying the complexity of Historia’s character and why it’s really, really hard for her to grow in a straightforward manner. She’s not really the heroine of the story where she defeats the bad guy, and then overcomes her flaw in a dramatic fashion at the end of the arc. 

Okay, so I’m going to try to address how Historia’s arc is still... you know, an arc, even though it doesn’t continue on in a straightforward fashion from Uprising. Uprising isn’t pointless because it shows us the great depth and complexity of HIstoria’s character, and also establishes why it is so hard for her to change. It’s not a straightforward arc, more of a dig into her psyche. Historia steps out of the role, Historia tries to be true self for a moment, Historia steps into another role at the end of the arc. It may seem pointless to read it this way, but I’m going to try to dig in from this point forward to show the complexity that this demonstrates. 

So, like I said Historia is a character who lacks a sense of self. The reason that Eren perceives this of her so strongly that it’s what forges their friendship in this arc is because Eren is the same way. 

Eren picks up on the fact that Historia was always striving to meet the expectations of everyone around her, because Eren is very much the same person. The kill all the titans thing is an act. Everyone around him believes it to such an extent that not a single person, even his closest childhood friends understood him enough until it was too late. 

Eren also tells Historia he sees her as a normal girl, because it’s who Eren wants to be accepted as, but feels like he never can be. Before I go into uprising itself there’s the big inciting events for both of them that lead into where their characters are in the lead up to Uprising. 

Eren and Historia both have a moment with their respective love interests in the prelude to this arc. Historia begs Ymir to come back with her so they can both live on as themselves. Mikasa tells Eren that he doesn’t need to be able to defeat titans, that what he did for her was showing her the small kindness of wrapping her scarf around him that day was enough for her. 

It’s Mikasa and Historia who reach out, but Ymir and Eren both refuse that closeness. Eren chooses to fight, and Ymir chooses to sacrifice herself to Reiner and Bertolt. 

I know a lot of people take issue with this writing choice, but sorry this post isn’t about the quality of the writing, just how it all comes together in the big picture. The point is, Historia and Eren are both offered what they have always wanted which is to live as themselves with a person who loves them for who they are only for it to get them taken away. 

There’s also an interesting irony written in Ymir’s death. Historia has always idealized the path of a martyr. She always thought living a good, selfless, altruistic life is what would earn her the love of her sister. 

Part of the problem is, the only source of love both Eren and Historia has was taken away so suddenly. Historia got the idea in her head, that all love was conditional and she had to act good in order to earn that love because love was never freely given to her. So Historia’s martyr act is a way to earn love. However, Ymir’s choice inflicts upon Historia the pain other people feel when she decides to martyr herself. 

The path of the martyr isn’t a good one, it’s thorny, and wracked with pain. What Ymir does is a genuine act of altruism. She makes a choice out of sympathy for both Reiner and Bertolt who have suffered all their lives just like her, and also  a belief her sacrifice will buy something for HIstoria in the bigger picture. It’s at least partially an altruistic decision, and Historia’s not happy about it at all, she’s downright bitter. Because, Historia isn’t the altruist deep down inside she pretends to be. Historia idealizes self sacrifice and selflessness, but when faced with the harsh reality and consequences of such behavior she realizes this is not what she wants. 

Ymir’s death throws the narrative Historia has always held onto into question, because she’s now the victim of somebody else’s self sacrifice. By killing herself, Ymir has also deprived Historia of her place in the world. Which sends her into self doubt. This moment of reflection is once again where we see the real Historia. 

Eren calls out the fact that Historia is actually very selfish. When she’s not performing goodness, most of her worries and actions are centered around herself. Everyone is out risking her lives, and Historia is kind of busy like “Who am I? Why won’t people love me for the real me?” These questions are selfish because they are focused and centered around the self. Historia is, egocentric in the way a child is, and the way that Eren is, because she doesn’t have a fully developed self. 

Uprising is where we’re shown very clearly that rather than having a centralized sense of self, a goal to focus herself around, all of these things normal characters have Historia is someone who wildly swings between two.

Historia is indecisive on whether or not Krista or Historia constitutes the real her. There is the act that Historia portrays on the surface as someone who always worries about others, and then her history (Gosh, golly gee I wonder why her real name is Historia... obvious symbolism is obvious). The question for HIstoria is which one she should let efine her, is she defined by the trauma she accumulated by being born into this world, or the person she wants to be. Historia’s failure to reconcile herself between the two extremes is what results in her behavior, as swinging back and forth between both.

I don’t believe that the point of uprising is to show Historia finally reconciling these two, but rather to show her wildly swinging between the two. HIstoria is someone who wildly swings between great feats of selfishness and selflessness.

We are given several hints of Historia’s progress in this arc, but also several unhealthy signs of her back sliding. For exmaple there’s the scene where Levi infamously bullies Historia into calling herself the queen.  One this scene fundamentally demosntrates what Historia’s problem is, she can’t make decisions or act for herself because she doesn’t really know what she wants. 

And when Levi beats her up and pushes her, she decides to perform again. Now the question is if you see the final climactic scene of Uprising as her triumphantly overcoming this cycle or falling back into it. My interpretation is that it portrays the swinging between. 

HIstoria, confronted with the feelings of insecurity she’s had since childhood unable to feel consistently loved or that she was even worthy of love is about to fall back on her mechanism of total and complete selflessness. Believing that her self sacrifice will at least mean she was a good person that meant something to the world, that her self sacrifice will earn her something. The reason that Eren yells I’M NOT NECESSARY is it’s because what their trauma made them feel like, and deep down what they’re afraid of hearing. 

Historia first appears entirely passive and selfless, then she takes an active role and screams she’s the worst girl on earth and she’d rather let the whole world die than sacrifice one person. Her response isn’t to reconcile these two entirely divergent selves, but rather we’re being shown her flipping between them. 

Historia declares one moment she doesn’t care about the rest of the world they can all die, and the next moment she says that if there’s a crying child she will always help. What we see is not a reconciliation so much but rather a flipping between, because it’s Historia’s tendency to swing back and forth between the two. 

Here’s my defense of my point. Uprising ends on an ambiguous note. As I’ve said above uprising doesn’t end on Historia becoming her full realized self, but rather wondering if she’s become her full realized self. 

Not only that but everything that seems like it was forward progress initially in uprising becomes undone later. Erwin is freed in Uprising, Erwin dies the next arc. Eren says he doesn’t need to become a special person to change the world, Eren is back on his bullshit by the time skip. The uprising puts the good guys in charge of the government and so now the government is no longer an obstacle to the path of saving humanity. The Jaegerists come take over in a second uprising, and the government becomes an obstacle once more. Even the decision they made to never feed Historia to a titan in order to sacrifice the world, is something the main characters go back on as they debate on whether or not to have her eat Zeke. Everything that seems like it’s forward progress becomes undone.

So why would Historia’s arc not become undone, too? This isn’t a question of quality of the writing. If you think this is a bad writing decisoin you’re completely valid I just am trying to remind you this isn’t the place to have that discussion. The deicsion to regress however, portrays the conflicts the characters are dealing with as cyclical ones. My argument is that as a whole Attack on Titan is being written as a cyclical story where characters circle. 

Eren and Historia are just the two biggest contenders of this regression. Which is why we see them conspiring together in this the final arc. (Yes there is a problem with Historia being mainly offscreened) however narratively the decisions we are shown Historia making in this arc are all passive ones. Also ones meant to pacify the people around her. 

Eren will always choose to be the activest character he possibly can, and to take agency even if it means stealing it from others. Historia will always choose to be passive, and will give up agency even if it means people steal things away from her.  

We are kept mostly out of Historia’s head. We are also kept mostly out of Eren’s head. What we are being shown recently though is a continuation of what we witnessed in uprising. Uprising ended with the question of if Historia is Krista Lenz, or Historia Reiss unresolved. 

This scene is Eren browbeating Historia into submission so she’ll go along with this plan. However, for HIstoria it’s also a confrontation with both sides of herself that she has shown to other people. Eren is basically telling HIstoria there are two wildly different hers, there is the Historia who would sacrifice herself, and the Historia who would say fuck the entire world she’s not sacrificing herself even if it makes herself the enemy of humanity. 

My argument is that the story has gone to great length to portray that to some extent, both of these HIstorias are real. Historia is someone who swings between wild feats of selfness and selfishness. Historia can say both of these things and mean them, that she wants to sacrifice herself for the sake of the world, fuck the world she wants to be herself. 

The same way Eren can imprison his friends, tell Mikasa she’s a slave, tell Armin he’s useless and that he’s despised both of them always, and also believes that he’s doing all of this for the love of his friends. Eren can say both and mean both, because he also does this inconsistent swinging back and forth. 

The foiling between the two of them shows how utterly broken Eren and Historia are as people due to the neglect they faced as children. It’s not actually a question of whether they are good or bad people. (Though Eren, is a jerk). It’s to show how unhealthy these mechanisms are. They mechanisms they rely on to survive, do not allow them to grow or develop all the way as people so they remain stunted. Historia is still in an incredibly unhealthy and precarious position in regards to her identity. Eren’s mechanism is to take agency, Historia’s is to give it up, the result however is the same between the both of them.

We see Historia make a choice. In all fairness we don’t know what that choice is. However, we also know what she didn’t choose. She knew what Eren was going to run off and do, and what he was planning, and she didn’t stop him. 

Another important part of the final arc is showing how everybody else’s decisions also led to Eren doing what he did. Armin’s choice to never confront Eren’s real self turned him into Eren’s enabler. Mikasa’s inability to try to live without Eren, made her completely unable to see this coming. The scout corps in general was unable to stop Eren, because they didn’t understand him. Historia also made a choice to enable the situation to happen in some way, because she didn’t choose to just... tell somebody else what Eren was planning, or stop it. 

While yes, she may be trying to stop it all on her own. It’s still a choice she made that’s frighteningly similiar to the choices Eren has been making all along. That is the choice not to trust people, the choice not to openly communicate what she inteded, the choice to instead go off on her own and try to solve everything by herself. 

That’s also the choice she always makes when backed up against a wall, and therefore it’s a sign of regression. I don’t think Historia is conspiring with Eren or even agrees with him. However, I do think she has made a similiar choice as Eren which is to try and attempt to solve everything on her own without trusting the others which is why we’re seeing her get so much foiling with Eren in this the final arc. 

Historia will overcome this regression when rather than swinging between Historia Reiss, and Krista Lenz, that she is both, and always has been both. You are who you are deep down inside. You are also who you pretend to be. The choice to show Historia’s wavering between makes her arc longer, difficult, more frustrating, but it also shows how hard it is for Historia. 

It shows the struggle of someone like Historia with lifelong trauma. How hard it is for her, not to be a queen, or a good girl. How fundamentally, it’s difficult for her to even juts be a normal person. And how in the end that’s what she is fighting for, to rediscover herself as a normal girl once more after being denied that by the environment around her her entire life. Historia too, can be a normal girl in the face of all that trauma. 

[the-girl-in-the-box]

Not Today XXIX

A/N: This was a surprisingly easy chapter to write! It helps that I've had the end of it planned for weeks, but hey, that just meant it was fun to finally get there, and I hope you all agree! Let me know what you think, and I'll see you Saturday with the next update! Skål!

Summary: When Ivar takes the throne of Kattegat, Lagertha flees to Wessex along with Björn, Ubbe, Torvi, and the Bishop Heahmund. There, they seek the aid of King Alfred. This aid comes in the form of his sister, Aethelind, who agrees to travel to Kattegat and try to reason Ivar, who she spent some time with during their youth, when her grandfather King Ecbert hosted Ragnar Lothbrok in their castle. Now, she is the only hope for Lagertha and her supporters to retake Kattegat from Ivar the Boneless.

Masterlist

--

Nothing came of Dir's capture for a long while, and Asta and Ivar simply sat back, and bid their time wisely. They spent most of their days with Igor, teaching him the Norse tongue, while he taught them the Rus. Today was the day, they hoped, that they would be able to move beyond lessons, and be able to teach him far more important things.

The pair approached the young Prince's chambers together, stopping only when they ran into the guard at the door. Ivar gave him a look, gestured for him to step aside, and Asta narrowed her eyes. He did exactly as they wanted him to do, and so Ivar stepped forward, opened the door, and knocked on it as they entered.

"Prince Igor," he called. Asta smirked a little, finding that she rather enjoyed the way the Rus language sounded in his voice. (She wondered briefly if she might like the sound of any language in his voice.) "How are we today?"

There was no answer just yet, and Asta picked up a carving of a horse, albeit one with the skull of a deer, on one of the many desks in Igor's room. She smiled softly and showed it to Ivar- it looked much like a Viking carving, with the head.

"Igor?" Asta tried now while Ivar looked over the carving.

A rustling sound came from the large nest-like thing in the center of the room, and they both looked up in time to see Igor peeking over the edge and looking down at them. "We are very well, Ivar the Boneless, and Asta the Prophet," he answered. "Good day to you."

They walked around to the other side of the nest, as Ivar transitioned into his own tongue, and said, "Now, in my language. Hmm?" He groaned a little as they sat down, and Asta silently slipped her hand into his. It was either a quiet sign of her support, or just a silent plea for his. Neither of them were entirely certain they knew the difference any longer. But Igor was crawling down from the nest at the center of his room before they had much time to try and determine it, responding to Ivar's question as he had been told to do.

"I am delightful, my friends," he replied. He shot a playful smirk to Ivar. "My cripple." Ivar chuckled softly in response to the boy's quip.

Once he'd seated himself across from the two Vikings, Ivar gave a smile, and announced, "We can talk!"

"Yes, we can talk," Igor confirmed, and grinned happily at them.

This was quite a relief to Asta, knowing what all was truly riding on their ability to communicate with the boy. Oleg wasn't going to be stopped if they didn't have Igor on their side, as Igor was the true heir to the Rus throne. Without him, if he didn't agree with them on turning against Oleg, their campaign may as well be forfeit. And if they hadn't been able to speak with him freely, there'd have been no hope for getting between the boy and his uncle.

Once, Asta might have thought this was a rather deviant plan, something far too underhanded for her tastes, but that had been a girl called Aethelind who would have felt that way. So far as Asta was concerned and believed, Aethelind had died in the Siege of Kattegat. But rebirth always came after death, and so Asta sat now in Rus, after a long journey along the Silk Road.

"Now we can discuss serious things," Ivar said, echoing her unspoken sentiment. "Important things."

"Like what?" Igor questioned.

"Like..." Ivar began, but paused as he tried to come up with something that wasn't going to jump straight into what he and Asta truly wanted to discuss. After a few moments, he came up with, "What do the gods look like?"

"There is only one God," Igor replied. "And He looks like Oleg."

Ivar gave a soft chuckle, and only answered at first with a hum. Asta, of course, disagreed entirely- but to give away that she also believed in only one God- who she did not believe looked a thing like Oleg- would be to give away that she likely was not a Viking wanderer, nor yet a Viking prophet. She couldn't say anything.

"Do you know who you are, hm?" Ivar eventually asked Igor.

"I don't understand," the boy said.

Ivar gave him a small smile. "Everything here, everything, belongs to you," he said. He tapped the boy's shoulder for emphasis, and Igor's eyes widened.

"In this room?" he questioned. Ivar chuckled while Asta giggled, and shook her head.

"No, Igor. In this whole town, Kiev," she corrected him. "And Novgorod, too." She paused for a few moments to let the suspense build, before adding, "And everything, in the whole of Rus. The land, the sky... The villages, the town, the people. It's all yours."

Igor chuckled a little, and replied, "You make me laugh. I know it really belongs to Oleg."

"I am happy we can talk," Ivar cut in then. "Because now, we can explain things to you." He reached forward and put a hand on Igor's shoulder. "We can explain how you have been betrayed. Nothing belongs to Oleg. Oleg is not a god. Oleg is nothing, but you... you are everything. And everything here belongs to you." There was a long pause in which Asta had to not chuckle at the irony of Ivar correcting that Oleg was not a god. It hadn't been so long ago he'd believed himself to be one. "Remember that." She sometimes wondered if he still did, every now and then.

The three spent the majority of the day together, indulging each of Igor's whims and partaking in many activities with him- though some of those were a bit childish- until dinner had been served, eaten, and they were returning to their chambers. As always, they waited until they had returned there before beginning to speak freely, and also as always, they did so in the Saxon tongue.

"Do you think he'll come around?" Asta questioned, watching Ivar as he had started to unbraid his hair. She ended up getting up and walking over to him, shooing his fingers away from his hair to do the task for him. This brought a small smirk to his face as he recognized the behavior. She was anxious.

"I think he will," he answered her. "Igor is young, and impressionable, and we are telling him nothing but the truth. We are also being sure to be closer to him than Oleg is, than Oleg has the time to be. He will come to trust us more, and that will be how we bring him around."

"I hope so," Asta said, and gave a small sigh. "It's all riding on him, isn't it? This plan with Dir, and with Oleg. Without Igor's approval... nothing we do will mean anything."

Ivar turned and looked up at her, not yet letting her start to brush endlessly through his hair as he knew would be the next thing to come. "Everything we do will still mean something," he told her. "We are going to do all we can to be successful, yes?" She nodded. "Then it will mean something." Asta gave him a small smile, and pressed a grateful kiss to the top of his head. "Now sit down, woman, you are going to make me anxious."

She smiled softly and did as he said, an even wider smile stretching across her lips as she felt him turn her head, and begin to undo the many braids in her own hair. "Don't tell me I've already succeeded?" she teased him, and he chuckled.

"No," he replied. "But you have braids which need to be undone, and I have never undone them, as many times as you have undone mine."

He made a solid point, she realized, and so hummed softly in response. "Alright," she acquiesced. "Well, go on, then. And go ahead and brush through it all when you're done, my arms could use the break tonight, and Lord knows yours can take it."

Ivar smirked. "Mine can take it, hmm?" he repeated. "And what exactly do you mean by that, my Queen?"

The teasing tone in his voice caused her cheeks to dust pink, and she pressed her lips together. "Just that you can drag your body across the ground and not grow tired," she said. "Surely, that means you can brush through all this hair with ease."

Ivar laughed a little at her response, and he wrapped an arm around her once all the braids were undone, pulling her back suddenly so that he was dipping her, and looking down into her face. "And you can fight as well as any Shieldmaiden I have ever seen," he pointed out. "I have no doubt you can brush your hair just as easily as I can." The dark red that now colored her face delighted him, and so he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, before sitting her back up and announcing far too casually, "But I will indulge you."

She watched as he easily lowered himself from the bed to go and fetch her hairbrush, her heart pounding in her chest. They were going to have to talk about whatever it was between them at some point, she knew that, even if part of her was afraid to put a name to it, put a label on what exactly they were. For the time being, they'd only kissed twice, and yet were so affectionate with one another one might believe they had been married for any number years- and attached romantically for even longer than that. It made no sense to her, but she knew for certain that her mother would never have approved. (An ironic thing, since Asta knew she and her brother Alfred had been the product of an affair.)

The thought of her mother sobered her just a bit, as Ivar crawled back up onto the bed and began to brush through her hair. "What is the matter with you now, huh?" he questioned, having picked up on the shift in her mood.

"My mother would have been appalled at all of this," she answered, a sad chuckle leaving her, and Ivar gave a thoughtful hum.

"And what specifically is 'all of this'?" he asked.

She laughed and shrugged, her brows lifting even though her face was turned away from him, and he wouldn't be able to see. "All of it?" she repeated. "The fact I've travelled the Silk Road with a Viking, spent six months or more isolated with him, shared his bed more times than I care to count, still do now it's no longer necessary, and behave as a wife with him, though we remain unmarried. She'd say I was being far too..." Asta paused, trying to think of what word she meant exactly. "Well, she'd say it was all extremely indecent."

Ivar chuckled at that. "The stuffy sort of Christian, then," he said, and Asta hummed.

"Far stuffier than I even was when we first met," she replied. "Though, I believe part of that comes from being the daughter of Athelstan. My brother seems to have inherited the rather studious, religious nature my father was known for, while I clearly have inherited his love for your people, and his quickness to adapt to your ways." She smirked. "As well as his affinity for following a descendant of Odin into crazy, half-thought out plans."

Ivar chuckled a little at her words, giving an amused shake of his head. "Floki hated him," he commented, which earned a surprised laugh from Asta.

"I would say so," she quipped. "I don't think you just kill someone you don't hate, not if it was premeditated." She paused thoughtfully. "Not that I know it was, I suppose, I just rather assumed it was, from how your father told it."

"It would have been, I think," Ivar mused. "He had been concerned for years about having a Christian live in Kattegat. It was just that night he decided the gods had had enough."

"And so what might he think about the fact you're currently brushing a Christian's hair, and living with one, claiming her as your wife, even if it's not true?"

Ivar snorted before he replied, "He would ask what I was thinking, and tell me to get away as quickly as I could, or did I not remember what happened to Ragnar? And I would tell him that he did not know you the way I do, and that you were not going to change me the same way your father changed mine. And, if he fussed too much, I would tell him that if he did not stop, I would make my claims that you were my wife true."

Asta's eyes widened, and she turned to look at him over her shoulder. "You'd marry me just to prove a point?" she asked him.

Ivar paused, looking up at her with his lips slightly parted. He hadn't quite meant to reveal that to her just yet, that he'd marry her, regardless of for what reason she believed he was saying it. "Well, your mother would no longer believe 'all of this' to be indecent if I did, would she?" he questioned. "It would take care of two problems."

"My mother is with God, Ivar," she pointed out. "It's hardly a problem now what she would have thought."

"And Floki has turned himself over to the gods, so he is not a problem, and there is no problem to solved through our hypothetical marriage."

Without letting her answer, Ivar quickly turned her head back around, and started to brush her hair again. Asta couldn't help but chuckle a little, pressing her lips tightly together in an attempt to bite it back.

Asta ended up falling asleep as she always did, curled up with Ivar, though he notably did not. He found suddenly that he couldn't sleep, and was unable to sleep all night. His mind was plagued with thoughts of the woman asleep in his arms, and he couldn't stop looking down at her, noting how the moonlight lit her skin just so. Truly, he saw again the way Nott was reflected in her. This whole Dir thing had been her idea to start with, back in Novgorod, and he was doing all he could to make sure it went over well for them.

Pulled like the tides indeed...

She shifted in his arms, and Ivar frowned, watching the way her brows creased together. He’d be lying to say he didn’t recognize those signs, didn’t know what was happening just then. He shook her gently, his hand coming to rest against her cheek. “Asta,” he whispered. “Asta, wake up, hm? You need to wake.”

Fortunately, his words and actions were enough to do what he wanted them to do, and she woke. But, she woke with a start, looking up at him with wide eyes, fear written in them clearly. “Ivar…” she breathed, and then her face was buried in his neck, and he was wrapping his arms tightly around her.

“Asta, what is it?” he questioned gently. “What is the matter, hmm?”

She shook her head, indicating she didn’t want to talk about it, and so he nodded and held her a little closer. If she didn’t want to say, he wouldn’t make her, though with the way she behaved he had a rather clear idea of just what it was. It made his chest ache.

The floorboards creaked, and without letting go of Asta, Ivar rolled over to see what had caused the sound. Igor stood there, and Ivar jolted a bit in shock. He hadn’t ever been so grateful to be somewhere he didn’t yet have enemies, as he was when he realized how easily they had been snuck up on in the night.

“She was dreaming?” Igor questioned, and Ivar nodded.

“What is it?” he asked, wondering why they were being interrupted in the first place.

“Is it true?” Igor replied. “Do I really own all the land and the sky?”

Asta looked up when she realized this wouldn’t be a quick visit, and put on a smile. She was really still shaken from what she had just seen in her dreams, but couldn’t show that to Igor. Instead, she sat up a little, prompting Ivar to do the same.

“Yes,” she answered him. “It all belongs to you.” He didn’t seem sold on it, so Ivar stepped in. Or, rather, he spoke up.

“One day, Igor, you will believe us,” he said.

The boy turned and began to walk out, after taking a moment to absorb their answers, but then paused and turned back to them. “Prince Oleg is asking for you,” he said, and left.

Ivar gave a small sigh, and turned to look at Asta. “Do you need me to stay?” he asked her. They were no stranger to Oleg’s whims by now. If he was sending for Ivar, he only meant Ivar. An invitation to her would have been made clear. But, Ivar was hesitant to leave her alone.

She rolled her lips together in the way he knew meant she was holding something back, and shook her head. “No,” she said. “Go on. He won’t want you to keep him waiting, love.”

Ivar hummed, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I would rather he wait and we be sure you are alright,” he confessed. “Oleg can wait, I won’t make you.”

Asta smiled at him softly and covered his hand with hers, turning to press a soft kiss to his palm. “I’ll be alright,” she promised. “Go.”

He nodded a little, kissed her forehead, and helped her get comfortable in the bed once more before getting out and getting himself ready to meet Oleg. However, as he did so, he came to a decision. Oleg may have wanted him to come alone, but Asta was his priority, not some Rus Prince, not some man who hadn’t been at Ivar’s side, hadn’t been on Ivar’s side the way Asta had been. He was done with leaving her behind, and leaving her side when she needed him most.

Once Ivar was dressed, he went to Asta and shook her awake again, only to find her eyes opening immediately. So, she hadn’t been able to go back to sleep. He hated that he was unsurprised.

“Come with me,” he whispered. “Whatever Oleg wants to say, he can say to us both, hm? I don’t think we should be leaving my wife out of these talks.”

Asta smiled up at him, and nodded.

The pair went and met Oleg where Ivar always met him- in his late wife’s mausoleum. He turned when he heard footsteps approaching, and his eyes widened at the sight of the two of them walking up. Of course, he’d only been expecting Ivar. Instead of letting them see this, however, he turned around and finished lighting the candles he had been lighting when they entered.

“You wanted to see me?” Ivar prompted. He decided to carry on as they normally would, unless Asta chose to speak up. If she did, they would handle that then.

“Yes,” Oleg confirmed. “I wanted to tell you that I have ordered the immediate mobilization of a great army, and the gathering and construction of a great fleet, for the invasion of Scandinavia. The time has finally come.”

And that couldn’t have waited until morning? Asta wondered silently. Or is that really what you wanted with him?

Ivar nodded as he heard Oleg’s words, his own thoughts in much the same place as Asta’s, though he didn’t let on to Oleg this were true, and replied instead, “I am very happy to hear that.”

“You can be very useful to me,” Oleg said. “Both of you. You are the son of Ragnar Lothbrok, and you, his wife and Prophet. No one can question your legitimacy to rule when I place you upon the throne.”

Ivar’s eyes narrowed as Asta’s did. Clearly, they were less than pleased.

“So we will be your puppet rulers, huh?” Ivar questioned. Oleg tilted his head, and began to approach the pair.

“Don’t mess with me, Ivar the Boneless,” he almost hissed. “I’m offering you far more than you’re worth.” Ivar tilted his head back as he watched Oleg, noting the way Asta’s grip on his arm tightened, and her eyes narrowed. “You can rule kingdoms. Who cares if it’s really me who controls everything? You will be the King! You will be famous!” He tapped on Ivar’s chest, and Asta took a half step forward. His hand dropped, though he tried not to let on that it had done so due to her movement. “Isn’t that what you Vikings like?” he finished.

Ivar chuckled a little, moving his arm gently back to ease Asta to his side once more. A silent signal that there was no need for bloodshed- not yet. “You forget something,” he told Oleg.

Oleg had returned to his wife’s casket, and didn’t bother to turn around as he asked, “What?”

“I’m a god.” Asta tried hard not to roll her eyes. “A descendant of Odin.”

“You are not a god!” Oleg snapped, and he threw down a quill he’d begun to write with, crossing back to Ivar at a speed Asta did not like. She stepped halfway in front of Ivar, and Oleg simply shoved her aside. He then shoved Ivar back, though Ivar had been prepared for that and had braced himself so he didn’t fall. “You are not a god, and my faithless wife was no saint! She was a whore!” Oleg glared at Ivar, not hesitating to get right into his face. “I told you you can be useful,” he growled. “That should be enough for you.” Asta returned to Ivar’s side, an almost hate-filled glare in her eyes as she focused them on Oleg. “But don’t ever betray me,” he warned. “Or I’ll stuff your boneless body in the casket with my wife!”

The minute the threat was made, Asta stepped between them and shoved Oleg back, surprising him with the strength in her body. She grabbed him by the shirt to drag him closer to her own height, and snarled, “Watch your mouth or you’ll find yourself reunited with her far sooner than you wish.”

Oleg used one arm to knock her hands off his shirt, and with his free hand grabbed her by the throat. His grip was tight, and threatened to cut off her air supply, but she thought faster than Ivar could move, snatching a knife from her false husband’s belt and driving it hard into Oleg’s arm. He yelled, releasing his hold on her and stumbling back as she pulled the knife back out.

“Witch!” he snapped, and as she stepped closer to him, he found himself cornered against the very casket he had threatened Ivar with. In an attempt to shake her, he quickly shouted, “You are no more a prophet than Ivar is a god! Why should I fear you?”

Asta put the knife to his throat, and the air in the room hung thick as two prophets glared into each other’s eyes, Ivar watching behind them to see who would win this battle of wills. He had very little doubt in his mind as to who the victor would be.

“Because I offer you one warning, Prophet,” she hissed, and nearly sneered his title. “Keep your keys safe about you, for they will soon be taken from just under your nose, and not even a ring will keep them safe.” With that, she moved the knife, but tossed him to the side as if he disgusted her, and turned toward Ivar. “Come,” she said. “He is worth neither our time, nor our trouble. We have better things to do.”

Oleg watched as she stepped past Ivar, her held head high and back held straight as though she were already Queen of Kattegat again, and perhaps even now had become the Queen of Rus. Ivar looked at her as though he were in total awe of her, only standing for a moment or two before quickly beginning to follow after her. And, as Oleg watched them go, he came to a realization.

They meant- or she meant, at least- to take Igor from him. That, or someone did. He could think of no one else the ‘keys’ in her prophecy could represent. But no, if she, Ivar, and Oleg were the ring, meant to protect him, then the boy needed more protection. His ally in the city of Vyshgorod had been wanting an advantageous marriage for his daughter for quite some time now, and Oleg made a decision. If it bought him an army to keep Igor away from those who still supported Dir, then he would easily begin planning for a wedding, and once he had his army, he would finally wed the Princess Katia.

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius, @wilhelmyna, @katfett, @fangirl-nonsense, @zuzus-sun, @heavenly1927, @pomegranates-and-blood, @kingniazx

If you want to be added to the taglist, feel free to reach out either by commenting, reblogging, DMing me, or sending an ask, and I’ll be more than happy to add you

[emsylcatac]

A very happy birthday to my amazingly sweet friend @rosekasa​ ♪♥ I hope you’ll have a wonderful day!

Have a dummies fic as a wee gift ♥

Kiss shy

Summary:

Marinette was on a mission. Three weeks into an impromptu reveal, the same three weeks into a relationship with her partner. And yet, they still hadn’t kissed. She didn’t know how much more she could take.

So tonight, she would kiss him. Right on the mouth.

Read it on AO3

* * * * *

Marinette was on a mission. She was going to kiss Adrien today. Right on the mouth.

Three weeks into an impromptu reveal, the same three weeks into a relationship with her partner. She knew he loved her, she knew she loved him, everything was fine and good and the birds were still singing louder in her heart than outside of the school’s windows.

“So,” Alya whispered from her seat next to her, “have you two finally kissed?”

Marinette’s head slumped on the table with a groan. Because for all of Adrien’s—of Chat Noir’s— grand claim of wanting a kiss from her, no, they had not kissed yet. She didn’t know how much more she could take.

Alya giggled next to her. Marinette threw her a dark look. Oh, she could giggle all she wanted—she wouldn’t laugh so much at the end of the day. When Marinette would have kissed Adrien. She’ll have to congratulate her instead.

“I’m so sorry, Marinette,” she choked out between giggles—she wasn’t sorry at all, Marinette decided, “I know how long you’ve been dreaming of doing it. Maybe he’s kiss shy?”

Kiss shy? Kiss shy?! Chat Noir?! Ha! As if. That was a good joke if any. No, Marinette thought, thinking of all the times he had kissed her hand, of all the times he had jokingly leaned in and asked for a kiss, and all the times he had looked longingly at her lips when he thought she couldn’t see, no, Adrien was definitely not kiss shy.

“I mean,” Alya continued, “you should see his face every time you take his hand; it’s like he can’t believe it’s happening and doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

Marinette frowned. It was true that he seemed a little unresponsive, now that she thought about it.

“The only person I’ve seen redder in the face than him when it happens is you.”

Marinette gasped loudly, hit by a sudden realisation. “Alya… What if...what if the reason is because he doesn’t want to have too much attention on him? He is famous after all.” She turned to her best friend and grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her a little. “What if his father doesn’t want Adrien to date anyone and Adrien doesn’t know how to tell me and he’s been trying to avoid kissing me because of it, so no one would know and oh my God I’ve been screaming about us for all my friends to know that we’re together and—”

“Wow wow WOW,” Alya cut her, “wow, girl, calm down. No. No, I don’t think that’s it, you’re reaching too far! Don’t you think that he would have told you something if that were the case?”

“Maybe?”

“Don’t you think he would have warned you when you got together?”, Alya insisted. “How did you two agree to date again?”

Marinette frowned, trying to remember the events. It was a little bit blurry because she had felt so many emotions that day at the same time that her brain had troubles to puzzle what had happened exactly and in which order. Accidental reveal, freak out following, them hugging each other, she had cried a lot too—

“I don’t think he warned me of anything,” Marinette said, still trying to replay all the events following their reveal. “And I think it just all happened...naturally.”

“See? Then there’s nothing to worry about. Just talk to him about it, I’m sure you can both figure it out!” Alya reassured. “And maybe, you’ll realise that I was right and that he’s just kiss shy.”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “He is not kiss shy.”

Maybe she should kiss Adrien tonight during patrol instead, so nobody from school might accidentally witness them. She also quite liked the idea of sharing her first kiss with him in private. In a secluded area, where no one would surprise them, where they could have a beautiful view on the city and it would be so romantic and—

Yes, she thought, tonight. Tonight, she would kiss Adrien full on the lips and render the both of them completely silly.

* * * * *

Adrien was going to die. Killed, murdered in cold blood by Marinette. She was going to be the end of him. He had no idea how much more he could take, really, before he would finally snap.

He had been so thrilled to see that Marinette was Ladybug. She was already his dear friend so it was the best possible outcome—except that he had also quickly understood that he was even more screwed than before.

We’re just friends, he kept repeating himself, nothing more. She’s in love with someone else.

Only friends, he mentally repeated again, when she would take his hand in hers out of the blue, the best of friends and partners.

Nothing more, as she would rub circles on his palm with her thumbs and caress each of his fingers with hers.

She’s in love with someone else, as she would take a strand of his hair and put it back behind his ear repeatedly, brushing his cheek with her hand in the process. And looking at him with the softest expression he’d ever seen on her.

Sometimes she would even take his arm when they walked side by side, and hug it close to her, humming and giggling happily. Adrien had to force himself to look straight ahead of him and hope his feet would cooperate until they’d reach their destination.

He didn’t know why she was doing all of this and why she was so affectionate, even more than she used to be with Chat Noir before their reveal. Not that he was complaining—well. He could complain about how unfair it all was. She knew he was still in love with her, right?

He had to talk to her about it. Oh, how much he was dreading the conversation. How he was dreading the sure-to-come confirmation of her feelings for someone else more than before, because now, now they knew their identities and it would feel even more real. Not that he was planning on confessing—but he had to tell her to stop for now, no matter how much he wished she wouldn’t. Before his heart would explode and he would just grab her face and kiss her silly.

That would be bad. Really, really bad.

Adrien entered the classroom and looked at Marinette, who was unusually early and watching him with eyes filled with soft determination. Whatever that look meant.

“So early and we can already feel the sparks between you and your girlfriend, dude,” Nino whispered to him as he slid into his seat.

Right. If Marinette’s adorably sweet attitude with him wasn’t already bad enough for his sanity, the teasing habit his friends had happened to adopt—referring to her as “his girlfriend”—shortly after the reveal was making it so, so much worse.

“Ha ha,” he grumbled, “very funny.” He had long since given up on trying to correct Nino.

Tonight, Adrien thought, just as he felt a hand coming from behind to gently pet his hair and massage his head. Tonight, he would talk to Marinette, and ask her to stop unknowingly torturing his poor heart until he was finally ready to let her go.

* * * * *

She was late. She was so, so so late. Stupid.

She had probably debated too long on which lip balm to wear. Cassis? Strawberry? But what if he hated it? She had almost put on her passionfruit one, the one she had bought in case of an… emergency... and carried in her purse with her at all times, before deciding against it. Maybe the taste would be too artificial; maybe he wouldn’t like it.

And maybe he would never want to kiss her again, her brain had supplied. Which would be absolutely terrible.

She had brushed her teeth at least three times to be sure that everything would be perfect.

….Aaaand she brushed them a fourth time right before leaving, because she wasn’t sure anymore if she had really brushed her teeth or if she had imagined doing it. She had a wild imagination, after all, she could have just imagined brushing her teeth three times without having actually done it.

She almost forgot on her way out to grab the red rose she had been gardening on her balcony for a special occasion—special occasion being a date with Adrien, which was exactly what was going to happen, whether he knew it or not.

He was already there when she arrived. She practically bumped into him when she landed, but managed to catch herself at the last second.

“I’m so so sorry I took too much time to get ready! Thanks for waiting for me and not leaving!”

He turned around surprised, as if he hadn’t heard her before.

“Why wouldn’t I wait for you?”

She blinked. “I don’t know.”

He smiled. “You know that I’d wait for you for—” He sighed. “...Nevermind”.

“Forever?” she supplied, smiling softly, and pulling out the rose she had attached securely behind her back. The red rose she had taken from her own bush, that she had tended to and watched bloom for the last few weeks, the rose she had decided would be reserved just for him.

He looked at it with wide green eyes, and she could tell that he had clearly not been expecting it, and stared. And stared. Until slowly, very slowly, he put both his hands around it, and delicately took it between his fingers, his eyes still transfixed by it. He blushed, his cheeks turning redder and redder every second, a change that Marinette thought really suited him.

His eyes closed as he carefully brought the rose to his nose and inhaled the sweet scent, entirely missing Marinette’s fond expression as she watched him.

“It’s...beautiful,” he finally said, his voice barely a murmur. “And it smells wonderful, but…”

“Here,” she gently took the rose back from his hands and raised on her tiptoes to sink the stem in his messy hair. She adjusted it until she was sure it wouldn’t fall. “Pretty.”

His eyes widened once again and his mouth parted. Marinette didn’t know when was the right time to kiss someone, but with him looking at her like that, mesmerised by her actions, she decided that now was as good a time as any.

So she brought her face closer to his, placed a hand on each of his cheeks, and finally, finally kissed his lips.

His beautiful, soft, very unmoving lips.

Marinette pulled back less than two seconds later. If he had been red-faced  before, it was nothing compared to how he was now. His breathing seemed to have stopped, and she would have been more worried  about him if her own lungs hadn’t ceased to work as well.

...Maybe he was indeed kiss shy. Very, very kiss shy. Or maybe she kissed very badly. She should probably have worn the passionfruit lips balm! Why hadn’t she listened to her instinct again?

Adrien slowly brought a hand to his lips, staring at her with incredulous eyes.

“I...How...whaaaa—”

“I’m so sorry!” she cried before he could have  a chance to talk and to tell her how awful kissing her felt. “I should have asked you before, or…or….” her eyes widened and she snapped her head back at him. “Maybe you don’t want us to be together anymore?”

“To-together…?” He stammered.

“That’s it, isn’t it? Oh no, you want to break up with me and you realised that being with me is actually not what you wanted and you didn’t know how to tell me—

“Marine—”

“—and it might be because you discovered my weird habit of eating raw pasta when I’m stressed—”

“My Lad—”

“—and I mean, yes, it is a little weird, but I promise you that it’s not so much of a big deal and I could stop if you asked and...and…” She grabbed him by both arms and looked at him with pleading eyes. She could already feel tears prickling at their corners. “Please tell me you don’t want to break up with me, Adrie—”

Her freakout was interrupted  by warm lips on hers.

And just like that, every thought she’d had left her body and Marinette allowed herself to simply melt into the kiss. She could feel him tremble beneath her lips, and she was sure she was, too.

Adrien slowly pulled back and she was about to come back for another kiss but he interrupted her before she could.

“So...What’s that about us being together?” he asked, sounding distant.

“Uh?”

“I mean, not that I mind but...when did we decide on that?”

Marinette blinked. “So you don’t want to break up with me?”

He laughed nervously. “It’s...it’s hard to break up with someone you’re not in a relationship with? I think?”

“What do you mean by that? We’re not together?” Marinette could feel her panic rising again in her throat, her hands shaking and her tears coming back full force.

“I...don’t know?”

“Didn’t we get together after we revealed ourselves?” she searched his eyes.

He shook his head frantically, and looked more and more stunned the more the conversation went on.

“But I thought...I thought I told you that...that I…” Marinette replayed the events following the reveal. Freak out, tears, hug, some babbling she couldn’t quite remember what it was about exactly... “Oh my god,” she whispered. “I never told you I loved you, did I?”

“I...I think I would have remembered something like that, my Lady,” he said distantly again, a note of hysteria in his tone.

“You didn’t know we were together…” She suddenly snapped her head back at him with a gasp. “Are you...are you still in love with me?! Oh no, you’ve moved on, haven’t you? I’m too late? Oh no, no, no, no…” she clasped her head and could feel her tears flowing on her cheeks. She was so stupid! Of course he would have moved on with how much she had rejected him! And he hadn’t even noticed that she loved him...

Two hands grabbed hers and pulled them back from her head, before landing on her shoulders.

“Hey, hey, now. Do I look like I’m not in love with you?” Adrien asked, looking at her right in the eyes.

It was true that he did kiss her after all. He wouldn’t have done so if he didn’t mean it, right? “Yes? I mean, no? I mean, hello I’m in love with you would you like to go out with me and kiss me?” she blurted out.

Marinette had seen a lot of different expressions on both Adrien and Chat Noir’s face. She had also seen a lot of various soft and kind looks, but none of them, none of them could compare to how soft and happy and in love the one he was currently giving her was. His eyes were shining now, probably with tears, and the rose she had put in his hair was only making him all the more mesmerising. God, she loved him so much.

“I would love to,” he said breathless.

Marinette couldn’t help the giddy laugh escaping her. Soon, he joined her, and they were both giggling, pointing at each other as if the other was the idiot one in this misunderstanding.

“I told everyone I was dating you,” Marinette choked on her laugh.

“Oh, so that’s why Nino was calling you my girlfriend and I had no idea how to tell him to stop,” Adrien chuckled.

“Alya told me that you were probably kiss shy!”

He gasped indignantly. “Kiss shy? Me?”

“I know, right? I told her there was no way it was the case!” she said just as affronted.

They slowly calmed down and went back to gazing at each other.

“I love you…” Adrien whispered.

Marinette approached him, and once she was close enough, she brought a hand to caress his cheek with her thumb. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to kiss you, ever since we’ve been...well, ever since I thought that we were together.”

“Oh? Do show me, then, my Lady,” his murmured, his face coming closer to hers.

She smiled. “I’ve wanted to kiss you here,” and she kissed his cheek. “And here,” his forehead. “Here, too,” his other cheek. She bopped his nose, “here,” she kissed it; it made him giggle a little—she really liked that sound. She bit her lip, hesitating; “and...,” she kissed the crook of his neck, “here.” That stirred up a louder giggle out of him—she really, really liked that sound—and he retracted his neck.

“What was that?” she teased.

“Nothing!” he was quick to answer.

She wiggled her fingers. “Are you ticklish?”

“Noooooo….”

She grinned widely and started to tickle his neck while he whined and tried to get away from her. He was giggling so much now, and it made her laugh, too.

“Stop bullying me!”

“Fine. I’ll stop, I promise!” and she would. For now. He was way too cute for her to completely give up on this interesting discovery. And also... “I still wanted to kiss you somewhere else.”

He was looking at her a bit warily, before deciding to come back into her arms. “Oh. Where?”

His eyes were searching hers, and she brought a finger to his lips to caress them, wetting hers at the same time. “Here,” she murmured, and then she was kissing him and he was responding with enthusiasm.

She didn’t know how long they stayed there, in the Parisian night, feeling the cool wind in their hair and on their skin, in each other’s arms. Kissing. Discovering each other’s lips and mouth. Figuring out how it all worked; giggling when they missed or clash teeth. And most of all, loving each other.

Marinette had achieved her mission. It didn’t go exactly as planned, and it had been full of unexpected obstacles; but tonight, she had finally kissed Adrien. Right on the mouth. And it was everything that she had dreamed of—and more.