#that's me with this except im NOT in public and ive given up on pretending to be normal

[soleadita]

Re your tags about the school major.... literally one of the biggest turnoffs for me about majoring in psych was being preached to by a bunch of middle aged white men about white men theories and they all thought they were the absolute shit and I was SOooooo just. Oh I was so fed up by graduation lol

LITERALLY. literally. oh my GOD. (ok so i tried really hard to answer this normally but it ended up being a rant of epic proportions and in hindsight i fear it's only tangentially related to your actual ask but i spent too long writing it so it's gonna stay.)

most of my professors were, thank god, not quite Like That (mostly older white women, which could be frustrating in other ways, but i cannot imagine having to take a bunch of white man psych dudes seriously for that long, holy shit) but boy oh BOY do i have one specific grievance to air.

so my major was specifically focused on child development (which officially spans ages 0-18 yrs), and basically we went through three years of like The Stages of Development (piaget, erikson, freud, vygotsky, etc) and Theories and The Major Studies and developmental milestones and preschool lab, and then in our fourth year, there was one (1!!!!!!) required class that was essentially like "cultural perspectives on xyz." (the titling of the class was absolute bullshit btw. cultural perspectives? as if we weren't already being taught from a cultural perspective. like, ok.)

the specifics of the class as a whole have mostly been lost to me at this point, but the gist was essentially "by the way, all the super old linear theories of development we've been drilling into your head aren't as widely applicable as everyone acts like they are and may, in fact, lead to detrimental assessments of people whose culture and backgrounds and experiences differ from the white upper-middle class cishet able-bodied male norm." (i did, for funsies, dig through my google docs this evening and skim some of my old notes. SHIT WAS WILD. god.) and i just remember feeling simultaneously super underwhelmed (like, yes, i figured this out two years ago and it would've been nice to get more than 10 weeks worth of a class on it?) and incensed (WHY ISN'T THIS MORE CENTRAL TO THE CURRICULUM FOR THE ENTIRE DEGREE?).

it's like. idk. when i wanted a tamale recipe that would taste close to my grandma's, i googled it in spanish, bc when i google it in english i get assaulted by white lady food blogs. but googling in spanish gives vastly different (and much more helpful) results. and that's kinda how i felt by the end of my degree. like, what would this have looked like if i studied it in other countries and in other languages? what's in their textbooks? who are the other scholars? and that's also tricky, i guess, because i get the sense that academia is pretty gatekept across the board, and it's not like going to other places is gonna change that necessarily? but still. other non-us-centric perspectives at the fucking least.

and the thing that kills me is like...wouldn't this be so much more exciting if we could pick this apart and examine it from multiple angles? and wouldn't you be equipping these future teachers or occupational therapists or social workers etc etc so much better? and wouldn't your research be stronger? and wouldn't you be able to better understand and serve and care for the children and families you're trying to work with? and how are you content to sit in your tenured position and teach the same shit quarter after quarter when you know there's SO MUCH MORE TO THE PUZZLE that you're NOT LOOKING AT?

ANYWAY. this is so far removed from the original point. i'm so sorry. i just love bitching and commiserating about shit like this. <3

[jamesvanriemsdyk]

Best GMs and coaches in the league ACC to you?

we can start with gms because coaching is a bit more complicated. best gms in the league is easy to look at because like, who has a good team? who has had a consistently good team? whose locker room is the most cohesive, whose coaching staff is the best? who is the best at acquiring and keeping the best players, coaches, staff, etc? and you can see that in the way teams play. 

(putting this under the cut because it got long. and i mean Long.)

so, in no particular order: kyle dubas (leafs), steve yzerman (red wings, i will explain this later), don waddell (canes), julien brisebois (lightning), joe sakic (avs), and kelly mccrimmon/george mcphee (golden knights) (god i still hate that name and also will explain this later too) are the best in the league in my opinion. honorable mention to marc bergevin, who has held onto his job much longer than he arguably should have, but still has a decent team on the ice and a decent coaching staff, although the french rule does severely handicap them (i understand why it exists but it does, it just does). 

david poile (preds) is the longest tenured gm in the league (has been the preds gm since fucking 1997, thats insane, thats legit before i was born, what the fuck), and i do genuinely think he is very good at his job, and that he is very hockey smart, but oh boy have his recent decisions been suspect as hell, and that reflects in the state of his team. doug wilson (sharks), who is the second longest tenured gm in the nhl, is in the exact same boat (the karlsson deal is a nightmare, and also did he just forget that his star core was gonna get old and retire or ??).

with dubas, waddell, brisebois, sakic, and mccrimmon/mcphee all have the same basic strengths: they draft well, they have a fundamental understanding of their team structure and how to manage public perception of the team and everything that implies, and they have two fingers on the pulse of their locker room at all times. im not going to pretend to know as much about sakic and mccrimmon/mcphee as i do the eastern gms, but it doesnt take much to figure it out. look at the avs, and their locker room, the success theyve found after being dead fucking last in the league. look at the knights and their incredible success that theyve found after literally not existing before 2017. ive talked about dubas a lot on my blog, but its incredibly easy to see that waddell and brisebois do the same shit he does, and i can do a deep dive on them if asked. bergevin has moments of brilliance, like the suzuki trade and acquiring caufield and anderson, but things like kotkaniemi’s development and their entire blue line give me a massive pause, which is why he’s not in the main list. he’s a good gm. he’s just not the best.

in regards to steve yzerman: you have to understand that this is the man that built the tampa bay lightning as we know them. this man was gm of the bolts until fucking 2018. tampa bay has been a monster in the eastern conference for years, BECAUSE of the work steve yzerman put in. his team set the franchise record for wins, and he was the first and is the only lightning gm to have won gm of the year. look up the 17-18 roster. it is, essentially, the roster that won them the cup last year. make no mistake, i think brisebois is great, and hes on the list for a reason, but the biggest part of brisebois’ success was steve yzerman’s incredible hockey mind. brisebois essentially had to sell off a fourth of his roster, and the lightning are still a top team in their division and in the league, and thats why he’s there (it is so incredibly easy to fuck shit up post cup win), but the brisebois lightning would not exist without steve yzerman, plain and simple.

what steve yzerman is doing in detroit should be watched very, very closely by every single person in the hockey world. youre fucking nuts if youre not paying attention to them, not gonna lie. the mantha trade was excellent, if really sad if you know even a bit about the wings, but the amount of draft picks steve yzerman has amassed and the way he’s using the prospects and players he already has is really fucking admirable. mike babcock left the red wings organization absolutely in tatters, and i think, honestly, it was always steve yzerman’s plan to go home to detroit and rebuild. if there is anyone who is going to strike absolute gold this draft year, it is steve yzerman. watch the red wings, i am telling you, keep a beat on detroit. they are going to be good. its not an if, its a when.

(real quick on the knights situation: mcphee was the first gm of the knights, and was also president of hockey ops at the same time, and then in 2019 mcphee said he was just gonna focus on his job as president, but we all know hes still an integral part of the way the knights are run, and he and mccrimmon have kinda been building the knight together since the beginning anyway bc mccrimmon was originally mcphee’s agm. so. thats why theyre together)

as for coaches, it’s very simple. rod brind’amour (canes), sheldon keefe (leafs, yes im biased, we’ll get into it), jared bednar (avs), joel quenneville (panthers), jon cooper (lightning), barry trotz (isles), and mike sullivan (pens).

(disclaimer: obviously coaching is done as a team, and assistants and specialist coaches and staff are all very important, but the head coaches set the tone and organize the entire machine, if you will, so im going to be talking about head coaches as if theyre the entire coaching staff. its just easier this way im sorry)

im gonna just start with the easy ones: barry trotz, mike sullivan, and jon cooper have been in the league for years. cooper is the longest tenured coach in the nhl for a reason (again, just look at the tampa bay lightning. its the gm’s job to make the coach’s life easier and the coach’s job to make the gm’s life easier, and this is one of the prime examples of it in the league. its dope as hell tbh), trotz is one of the most respected coaches in the hockey world for a reason (the caps lost something when he walked. they just did. and now the isles are absolute hell to play against and that is largely the coaching of barry trotz, you legit cannot tell me im wrong), and while mike sullivan does have his faults, i think hes found a way to please both management and the crosby-and-malkin unit, which has been really really fucking hard to do. he also led the pens to back to back cups, which you can never really uh. ignore. lmao. so theres those three.

i know less about bednar, but again, another example of the coach and gm working together to make each others’ lives easier. sakic gets bednar the players and staff he needs to make the avs better, and bednar takes those players and staff and makes them into the absolute giant they are. it wouldve been really, really easy to fuck up makar’s development, or bowen byram’s, or sam girard’s, or ryan graves’s, or jost or mackinnon or rantanen’s, but he hasn’t, and he hasn’t just given up on players like burakovsky or kadri, he’s given them new life as players and made them more successful.

joel quenneville is the reason the bl/ckh/wks were a legacy team point blank period. sure they had the talent, sure the gm drafted well, but you do not get the legacy of the chicago bl/ckh/wks without joel quenneville. they fired him on a whim and it absolutely was a mistake, and the moment the cats hired him i literally out loud said ‘oh no’ because i knew exactly what that meant for the leafs and their position in the standings. the panthers are underrated generally, yes, but they would not be the powerhouse they are this season without quenneville. just look at q’s wiki stats. he’s absolutely unbeilevable. he won the jack adams in fucking 2000, before he’d even won any of the cups with the h/wks. i cant tell you what kind of a locker room coach this guy is, but i can tell you his teams win and win convincingly, and that firing him was the biggest mistake the h/wks have made in years.

whenever i talk about coaching, i talk about rod brindamour and sheldon keefe in the same breath every single time because there is no match, and i mean none, for the love inside those locker rooms. the avs, maybe, but my point stands. keefe and brindamour fucking BLEED team spirit, it is at the center of their coaching styles and their teams are good because of it specifically. marner and matthews are good, yes, and they always have been, but they have surpassed all expectation and then some with keefe. aho, teravainen, and svechnikov are good, yes, and they always have been, but they have surpassed all expectation with brindamour. brindamour and keefe have both hashtag played the game, so they Get It, and more than that, theyve grown and changed their understanding of the game as the game itself has changed, and so they can command the authority of their teams while also connecting to them on a really deep level. i should make a note here that keefe and brindamour are incredibly, deeply hockey smart, and that they are also just technically good coaches, skimming their wiki or nhl dot com articles will tell you that, but what makes them stand out to me is that their players would fucking die for them. the leafs would go through the end boards for keefe, the canes would do the same for brindamour. travis dermott said it best when keefe got promoted: boys wanna play for him. beyond that, the management skills both brindamour and keefe have are just frankly amazing (the amount of ego keefe specifically has to manage in the leafs locker room is astounding and he does it so incredibly brilliantly). the leafs and the canes are talented, yes, and would have been talented regardless of who was coaching them. but brindamour and keefe bring both of those teams from talented to exceptional, and the true mark of an amazing coach is not only how many games their team wins, but how they win them, and the leafs and canes have been winning games this year for and because of each other, and that starts with their coaches. what makes a great coach, to me, is not the talent on the team (though that certainly helps), but how the coach manages his players no matter who they are, and how he helps those players grow not just as players as people, because no matter how much pure stats people and twitter hockey dudebros wanna deny it, that shit does affect on ice play, and it does make good players better.

so theres my analysis of the best coaches and gms of the nhl, im so sorry this is so long, oh my god. also, shoutout to @bishops--knifetrick for sending me an ask about this literally a month ago that i just never answered, sorry for that, but here i hope this is good. :)

[dcomposing]

jumin route rewrite???

ive had.... Issues with jumin's route since the first time i played it and im waiting out a 3 hour layover which means its time to self indulgently fix all of those problems right now in excruciating detail

for the record, i dont mean any disrespect towards cheritz -- i love mysme dearly and this is purely a self indulgent experiment to see what my ideal jumin route would have been! if you like his route as is thats totally fine! it just wasnt for me lmao

this was super fun to write and if this picks up i might do another route rewrite (and i might do it even if it doesnt because it was just that fun lol)

anyways this is REALLY long (literally its like 3k words all in outline form) so its gonna go under the cut lol

okay so: issues i had with jumin’s route that i want to address:

it moves WAY too fast — i mean all of the routes do to a certain degree; they’re only 11 days long but like... you’re literally engaged to him by the end of it which iirc, is something that is only replicated in seven’s normal ending (and even then i think its only implied?) and i get that the point is that jumin goes all out for the people he loves and is VERY certain that he loves you but it just feels... way too soon for my liking ESPECIALLY because you’re his first love! it just makes it feel like he’s caught up in the rush of being in love for the first time and isn’t thinking things through which... isn’t exactly the making of a great relationship lol. so for this re- write we’re gonna slow it WAY down because... oof. 

the sarah and glam plot line happening concurrently with the mint eye/possessive jumin one makes the route feel overly busy. i actually have a similar issue with the echo girl/mint eye overlap in zen’s route but that’s a topic for another day lol. so i’m gonna try to delineate between the two a bit more so there’s less overlap.

SPEAKING OF possessive jumin lol... maybe its just my Personal Background bleeding in, but possessiveness is a really big red flag/trigger for me and i felt like it went WAY too far in his route. dgmw, i understand that its meant to be a character flaw and something he’s meant to overcome but i just feel like there are simpler ways to show that side of him without it becoming... as scary as it got. i wasn’t sure how to deal with it though -- i think it would best be expressed through smaller actions and the minutia of dialogue with the others (e.g. jumin refusing to send a photo of you into the chat room when zen asks if you’re alright, locking up elizabeth, etc.)

the canon first kiss with jumin happening both without your explicit consent AND just to drive sarah away is.... icky to me. especially because he MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SARAH while kissing you??? i hate that cg lol. it just takes what should be a moment about the two of you and turns it into him using you to prove a point and i don’t like it at all. it’s not romantic and it feels... out of character for jumin to use someone he cares about like that. i have similar issues with the proposal happening right after he exposes glam and sarah. so lets make the kiss more genuine and nix the proposal entirely because it happens too quickly for comfort anyways.

with all of that in mind, i decided a fake dating plot would probably work best (and like i said, this is self indulgent and i’m a SUCKER for fake dating stories sooooo). it makes sure we hit all the beats of the glam/sarah plot line without shoving him and the mc into a relationship too quickly. it also means we can keep their first kiss as a big “fuck you” to sarah, but this time mc gets to be 100% in on the joke AND they get to have a “real” first kiss later on! that’s two (2!) kisses for the price of one folks.

i also decided that in order to streamline the plot a bit, the glam and sarah plot should end earlier, allowing for the mint eye plot to take center stage instead of being shoehorned in around a larger love triangle plot line. also glam and sarah are annoying and i don’t want to deal with them for six full days. the only downside is we don’t get to see v dunk on sarah at the party :-(

in lieu of a proposal for the necessary Big Romantic Gesture at the party, i thought it would be nice if jumin whisked you away from the party to paris or somewhere far away for a ridiculously extravagant first date literally in the middle of the party. not only is it ridiculously grandiose in and of itself, but in abandoning the party halfway through, it shows that jumin has grown into a more relaxed and spontaneous person through knowing you! he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and have fun with you (plus, Big Romantic Date cg!!)

day 5:

VN mode where we essentially get the exact same scene of chairman han telling jumin he wants him to marry sarah to make the merger with sugar round go more smoothly BUT this time jumin blurts out that he’s already with someone and that he didn’t want to go public with it yet. he assumes his father won’t press further, given that they’ve always had a mutual respect for one another’s privacy, but at glam’s insistence, chairman han says he wants to meet jumin’s partner. oh no!

jumin laments his situation to the rfa, resulting in pretty typical responses. zen laughs, yoosung is sympathetic but also kind of wishes it were just that simple for him to meet a wife. jaehee is worried that the inevitable fallout of this will result in more work for her. everything is business as usual until seven is like “ur so rich why don’t you just pay someone to pretend to date you lolol” and jumin (being, well, jumin) runs with it 100%. because they don’t have time to vet candidates (they’re supposed to have dinner with his dad tomorrow night!) he decides it should be someone he knows, but the majority of the other rfa members are already acquainted with his father via rfa events, making it more likely that he sees through the ruse. mc, however, has never met him, making them the perfect candidate! who would have thought lol

so they decide to move you into the penthouse that evening BUT before that can happen, they have to clear it with v because bomb, hacker, mint eye, etc. (yes this is how i’m choosing to do the bomb reveal lol). bonus, v gets to chide jumin about his dumb lie and we get a fun bff conversation with them!

final VN where you show up to the penthouse and you and jumin establish the parameters of your “relationship”. you decide that you’ll both sleep in his bed, just in case a cleaning staff member walks in and notices that he and his partner sleep separately and it ruins everything. establish what physical contact is and isn’t cool, etc, etc. you also decide that when the time comes, you’re going to tell his dad that the entire debacle with sarah put so much strain on your relationship that you had to break up. the hope being that chairman han will feel so bad about ruining things for jumin that he won’t try to force him into something like that ever again.

days 6-8:

you have dinner with his dad and answer pretty typical “meeting the parrents” questions. he asks what you guys did for your first date and jumin tells a 100% fake story about taking you to dinner on top of the eiffel tower and kissing you beneath the stars and the chairman is satisfied. that doesn’t mean that glam and sarah are though. they decide to do some sleuthing to prove that you guys aren’t really dating.

this is the fun part where we get to hit most of the beats of ur typical fake dating story! you and jumin get to know each other really well, albeit kind of superficially (favorite foods, fun childhood stories, etc. etc. nothing too heavy yet.) you guys cook together for the first time, cue cg of jumin with like... idk tomato sauce on his cheek or something. you watch a movie together and elizabeth falls asleep on your lap and jumin dies on spot idk

this is also where your first kiss happens, and pretty much in the same way except its much more mutual and he doesn’t look at sarah this time because his focus is on trying to make it look like he doesn’t even care that she’s there because you’re the only thing he cares about. (which.... isn’t actually hard for him to do at all)

chatrooms are pretty typical for this timeframe — you guys all know the drill. the other members are like “wow they seem really close” and speculate on whether or not you guys are actually together. zen is worried that jumin is going to force himself on you (wolves, etc.). yoosung is jealous that jumin gets to hang out with you. jaehee is upset that jumin is neglecting his work.

VAGUE mentions of weird activity on the messenger, but nothing too serious sounding. just enough to make jumin nervous -- esp with sarah and glam on his back still. this is when he locks elizabeth up. 

 day 8, the chairman learns that sugar round is worthless and that glam and sarah have been duping him the whole time. they’re disgraced and are never heard from again so... problem solved but this also means that you and jumin no longer have a reason to stay “together”... and you’re both kind of falling for each other so obviously that’s no good. you spend one last night in the penthouse before resolving to break things off officially in the morning. the other members talk about how sad you guys both seem to be parting.

BAD STORY END 1:

if you shy away at the fake intimate gestures (hand holding, hugging, etc), and pointedly answer incorrectly when asked a question about jumin that you should know the answer to, your ruse fails and you guys are caught faking the relationship. to avoid the scandal breaking to the press, jumin winds up marrying sarah anyways.

the branch point for this one would be right before the kiss scene, if you’re on track for the good end then the kiss happens, if not, you’re forced to shove him away when he goes in for it, revealing to sarah that you guys are frauds.

the cg would be him and sarah at the press release for their engagement announcement. sarah’s all smiles and jumin is... pretty understandably miserable looking. a reporter asks him about the other person he was in a relationship with prior to his engagement to sarah, and he reads off a line about how sarah captivated him like no one else ever could in an emotionless voice.

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 1:

if you do fine during the VN portions, but aren’t active enough in the chats, then the fake relationship plan works, but afterwards its just... really awkward. once the whole mint eye thing ends you’re pretty much just excommunicated from the rfa since you... didn’t really seem to like them all that much.

day 9:

a huge attack on the messenger happens, coupled with explicit threats directed at mc, sending everyone into such a panic that ending your fake relationship is the last thing on anyones mind. jumin is so fucking scared that he’s going to lose you, and muses in the chatroom about why he’s more scared for your safety than he would be if it were, say, yoosung being threatened (cue yoosung’s crying emoji lmao). everyone else is like “well clearly its because you’re in love with them”

anyways. they decide its for the best if you continue to stay at the penthouse and in spite of everything, you’re both... kind of relieved lol. 

everything is all fine and dandy until elizabeth III runs away, ramping jumins anxiety up to 11 like... right away

this is where we really start to see behavior more along the lines of what happens in his route, you suggest the two of you leave and search for elizabeth, and he refuses to let you go, etc. etc. 

it sort of turns into a fight, but it all works out in the end. he tells you about rika and elizabeth and why she means so much to him, and you guys talk about how fear of losing someone important to him can’t rule his life, and that its one thing to be careful, but another entirely to try to control someone else’s behavior because of fear. 

you convince him to get some sleep, assuring him that elizabeth will turn up soon and that he’s going to be alright. you guys fall asleep next to eachother without even thinking about it. its not until jumin mentions something about waking up next to you in the chat the next day that the rest of the gang is like “uhhhh,,,, why are you guys still sharing a bed”

MEANWHILE lol seven and yoosung arrive at mint eye and find elizabeth, just like what happens in canon. they decide to bring her back tomorrow.

BAD STORY END 2:

obligatory mint eye ending. if you’re too aggressive and forward with jumin and don’t give him time to properly process his feelings, he doesn’t offer to let you stay at the penthouse, relying on seven’s assurance that the apartment is totally secure (it’s not). saeran breaks in and takes you away.

this branch happens pretty early in the day, before elizabeth escapes.

i thought about a cg for this one but tbh... there are so many saeran and mc at mint eye BE cgs that idk what i could come up with that wouldn’t be super derivative lol

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 2:

again, because you’re only talking to jumin and not the rest of the rfa, he assumes that you don’t like being in the rfa very much BUT he still likes you... a lot and is very worried about your safety re: hacker, AND because he still hasn’t really dealt with his issues regarding v/rika/emotions, you guys decide to just straight up leave lol. you move to a different country where he can pretty much continue doing his work remotely while keeping you safe.

the cg for this one is the two of you in a different cushy apartment somewhere. you’re making dinner while he works. its... stable, but noticeably stiff. neither of you are talking much and his dialogue is pretty stilted. its pretty clear that he regrets abandoning his friends and is unhappy.

day 10:

3AM chat with zen where he speaks entirely in thinly veiled hypotheticals about you guys. (“well, if i thought i could have a shot with someone i really loved, i think i would take that chance and tell them, even if i might get shot down. and even if that person was a huge ass who my sexy white-haired best friend hated. i would tell them how i felt”)

seven secures the messenger again and the threat is declared neutralized! you’re safe to go home but neither you nor jumin want that at all.

yoosung brings elizabeth back around 9, and it proceeds pretty similarly to what happens in his route: he’s wary about taking her back because he feels that he’s mistreated her, you’re like “whoa buddy you’re going too far in the opposite direction here” and you and v have to convince hm that its going to be okay. the only real difference is that v doesnt also have to convince him to let you go. he just says something about how the two of you seem to bring out the best in each other, and that jumin is brighter when you’re around. 

later, jumin (tries) to make you lunch using the cooking skills you taught him a few days ago as a final payment (since you refused actual money) for all of your help, both with his father and with elizabeth, but he winds up ordering in instead. its very cute BUT its super awkward because neither of you has said anything about not wanting to leave.

finally you have to face the music and pack your bags. you hug jumin goodbye and make him promise to still get lunch with you sometime before heading back to rika’s apartment sadly.

everyone is like “yo what the fuck???” and its actually yoosung of all people who is finally like “this is ridiculous. you two clearly have feelings for each other and you need to deal with it” 

jumin is absent from most of the chatrooms for the rest of the day  though, so he doesn’t really see anything until he forces himself to log on later that night and is like “oh”

and YES of course this is going to culminate in a typical romcom scene where he has driver kim race to the apartment so he can pound on the door and apologize to you and tell you how he feels!! maybe it even happens in the rain just to maximize romance. the important thing here is that you finally kiss him for real this time and its perfect.

BAD STORY END 3:

pretty much jumin’s BE2, if you werent assertive enough with him re: his possession/control issues on day 9, he never gets over them. when elizabeth is returned he locks her back up and insists that you continue to stay with him as well, canon BE2 ensues.

i gotta hand it to cheritz. its a really good bad ending and theres not much i wanna change about it. its so scary in a calm sort of way, which i think is the perfect vibe for a dangerously unhealthy jumin. if only people would stop fetishizing it lolol

party (GE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first

date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he then decides that the two of you have been there long enough to fulfill your obligations, and that no one could really begrudge you if you “took off” a little early. you guys fly to paris that night and have that dinner on top of the eiffel tower.

the ending cg isn’t a kiss one, but a more simple, sweet one of the two of you in a dimly lit restaurant, jumin listening to you talk with the most tender, loving look in his eyes.

party (NE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he laments the fact that if he was caught shirking responsibilities to take you on a real date, the press would have a field day with it, but promises to make it up to you, and take you out on a proper one tomorrow.

this cg is the two of you dancing at the rfa party, jumin resting his chin on the top of your head and daydreaming out loud about everything the two of you could do on your real first date.

[transrightsjimin]

lol i finished the introduction to my policy proposal, got to the part where i realized i had to include theory abd thus have to concentrate on reading articles, got a headache amd panicked, went to my friend's room, bothered him ab t it, somehow ended up stressing out abt life after university, had an existential crisis abt not knowing what my capabilities are besides drawing (which i also rarely do nowadays) and i dont want to lie about being capable bc i hate lying unless it is to protect someone, i just cant lie anymore since i stopped living w my parents and i especially dont want to lie abt things i cant do, but apparently you need to in order to make it in life but i just consistently make so many mistakes bc of autism nd adhd (clumsiness / bad concentration / forgetful, like i dont even remember most of c my colleagues' names / lack of insight / being slow / taking very very long to learn practical things / issues with processing sensory input timely / panicking when not given clear instructions / fatigue from social interaction) and they just wont get better and i dont want to lie abt it bc i a. dont want to be a dishonest person, b. i am not that confident to pretend im someone skilled, which im not and c. i will never get better at these things bc illl have these issues for life. and i really dont know what profession ill end up doing in the future bc i dont have much knowledge in any arts discipline or field or whatever, and especially contemporary art and entrepreneurial stuff is big in the arts where i live and i just dont know shit abt that aside from general trends / conventions and it doesnt interest me anyway. i dont know any arts field tht rly interest me that much and the most interestung stuff is prob what depends on mainly volunteers. idk man. i just feel depressed and keep crying bc ill either end up with a parttine job and financial struggles, a typical working class job like my current mail delivery one bc thats at least something i know im somewhat capable of, or ill end uo on welfare but idk bc the last time i applied for welfare as an adult they sent me in this course for people to learn how to make resumes and job motivations, which i know how to do, but i cant do the shit that comes after that. i just dont know what i can do bc ive never been able to do anything well except drawing but i cant make it as an illustrator bc that takes a lot of entrepreneurship which i just dont have nor want to have. i just want to be able to live. im also worried bc of the fusion between PostNL and SANDD bc we still have no idea whats going to happen but colleagues are very sure that people will be fired / wont have their contracts prolonged and since im now at the age for adult wage and work only 4 hours a week in my contract, i dont know how much they would want to keep me as a worker for them. i rly worry that ill lose this small job bc it still creates a small additional income of 175-300 euros per month (depending on the amount of extra hours) and i rly need that income bc the loan i'm taking for studying is almost the maximum of what is allowed (my loan is 920 euros) and i will by the end of 2019 / early 2020 not have the right to free usage of public transport in midweeks anymore. though i can get discounts for students itll still get so expensive? or maybe i should cycle to school, which is another possibility but idk. everything is just so expensive and im overwhelmed and just keep sobbing since an hour agi and i feel bad for bothering my friend w my sudden existential crisis

[askdurianrider]

Man I watch the video of you and FL doing your q&a up the doi when she roasted you about being on Test and your reactions are so strange. Were you in denial or just saying off things to fool the audience? I mean she's basically saying "you're taking Test, it's fucking with your head, you've become someone else, you need to stop." Or was she just flat out lying? It's the weirdest 30 mins of footage I've ever watched haha

In my head I was thinking ‘Ive just invested the last 9 years into you, saved you from being a broke stripper in Sydney who was getting passed around amongst the meat head steroid bodybuilders of randwick fitness first, hide your lies, backed you up every day, taught you  how to eat and train to get the body you currently have  and helped you cure your eating disorder and NOW you are trying to pull this trick so you can sell more ebooks than me? Take me out of context on by pretending that I NEVER made those videos in late 2014 sharing my steroid experiments by going to the local family doctor and getting given AAS by them?  what next, delete me from my own website?’.

That is the stuff I was thinking. I was in shock AND denial that she would do something to me like that. Afterwards I said ‘you better put that in context tomorrow otherwise everyone is going to know about your botox and how you NEVER told anyone about that and lied to all their faces every time someone brought it up’. FL said ‘haha you wouldnt!’ and then I assured her that I would so if you watch the next days vid you see her basically put everything in context and backpedal faster than one of those italian tanks in WW2 that were designed to go faster backwards than forwards.

Watch my vids from day 1 and you will always see Im talking about diet and fitness and stirring the pot. Nothing has changed in my core delivery except I USED to think that if you swore on youtube that you WILL get deleted lol so I was all nicey nicey but once I saw Jenna Marbles swearing then I changed my delivery tone.

Watch my vids today and same time every year the last 6 years and its the same shit. Watch FL’s vid and you have to severely question her mental health. She can’t even zoom the expensive camera in or she doesnt notice it. Those face fillers and botox really have changed her and that is the main reason I no longer wanted to be with someone that lacked the self confidence just to let their face be natural when it looked fine in the first place. 

Doing botox and face fillers etc means there is something else going on inside. FL likes to pretend that I ‘forced her ‘into plastic surgery addiction but the reality is she got a boob job when she was just 21 so was obviously that kind of person before I even met her. I 10000% against botox and face fillers because to me it is DANGEROUS injecting something so close to the human brain. 

FL focuses now too much on money and looks and I got bored of that. She just rented an ENTIRE house and called it ‘minimalist’. Why didnt she let a homeless family stay downstairs for a bit? Find a legit homeless family who isnt on drugs but just needs a place to stay for a little bit whilst she rents it out. NAH! 

FL would probably let her own mother starve to death if it meant another botox shot could be afforded lol.

FL needs to have no wrinkles in her face to feel happy therefore she is addicted to botox. She will continue to lie about it because she has lied so big about it and she can’t handle the backlash if she came clean.

Me? I made videos about my steroid experiments back in late 2014. In those videos I show EXACTLY what I took, how I got them etc. I document how it killed my climbing and running abilities because it just stacked on muscle weight that even today is hard for me to shred off and that is why I don’t climb as fast as I used to like in 2013 and early 2014. When I was on steroids FL used to say how good I looked. In the past when she was angry she would call me a ‘skinny faggot’. I didnt want to stay on steroids though because I know the longterm health implications and risks. FL doesnt have much substance anymore so when I saw that I knew our time was soon to be over.  She is like most handbag/botox basics - they like guys who are on steroids but don’t ever want you to admit you are on them. 

Im not a professional cyclist or athlete so I don’t need to dope to compete with other dopers. My income isnt based on my physique like those fake natty people so I don’t need to dope to have that ‘aesthetic look’ like they do.

FL needs to stop the botox and stop lying. NOBODY in LA now wants to be associated with her publically. If she called up shane dawson, trisha, those 19 year old botox twins etc none of them would return her call or they would give some flakey LA based reasoning for them being ‘too busy’ or ‘Id love to but actually my camera is broken darling!’. She is the one who changed, I stayed the same. Sure Ive made my mistakes but Im the first person to come clean and put those mistakes up on youtube. 

FL? How about you do a video one day coming clean?

[samanthasroberts]

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

[adambstingus]

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178602825797

[nottheoccult]

oblivion access: except it’s poetry

Social self-obsessive species, everything is peachy

Having cyber interactions, get erections from the TV Vocal bout opinions bout elections up in DC With a total lack of knowledge, rope around your neck was easy Chemical complaint, deformity machine Skin eraser, loss creator, poison that you breathe Traitor, parasite, xenophilic golden boy Seen him with a soy product, wrote the Village Voice about it Tell me conclusions to stories I don't have time for Situations with the information missing, misinformed We've seen the same rain through separate systems, different storms We're stacking bodies up in boxes in a distant war I eat my vegetables, I like the broccoli What is more fictitious, the gods or you and I? You needs a court's admission, you think the cops comply? I don't acknowledge systems, I never found it wise I wasn't born to just support the shit that's palpable I don't see Earth as disproportionally valuable If there's a god, I'm sure his name is unpronounceable If there's a hell, I'm sure we'll all be held accountable I drew a portrait of Abraxis on a napkin Sex has never given me an ounce of satisfaction Life throws a lot of questions but I never ask them Facts are human arrogance, we barely know a fraction I don't know anything (This is the way the world ends)

From the inside of my corpse, 30 seconds is like a century Imprisoned in necrotic flesh Cognizant beyond my death Paralyzed and frozen in this carnal penitentiary Lucidly projecting hellish spectres Ghoulish architecture, enveloped In a darkness far beyond my mind can measure Suffocating violent pressure It just goes on forever, are these electro- Magnetic hallucinations? Is this everybody's afterlife or something I've created? Abandoned and dismissed in a flaccid Impotence with the cold illumination that I no longer exist In a grave within a grave It was the first time I prayed, no one There to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid Falling endlessly deeper, yet immobile and still In this infinite aethyr washing over My filth, neither angels or reapers or ghosts were fulfilled Just a cavity to soak up my guilt In my depravity, the flowers Up above me wilting down so they can laugh at me To think we spend our lives Convinced we understand agony, a familiar Voice: "He's finally at peace" Shrieking through the silence to remind me I'm deceased I tried to answer but the dead can't Speak, the biggest prison in the world's underground six feet

I got soaked through the rainiest days They made me this way Should have left the street but it paid me to stay The path that I walked on was paving my pain So I strayed and laid bricks for the opposite lane If you ain't rich you don't play about that gwop I view the city like a section of a swamp A lot of shit grows but nothing that you want A lot of shit gross and that's just being blunt Bitches acting foul and bitches wanna stunt But nothing ever change until you willing to confront Crooked cop, crooked cop, yeah, I see him too Erry' person has autonomy, we ain't got a clue I know it sound hazy when I twist that J That Richtown way, these dummies catch a 6 round fade And yeah I know them hunnies got them big round things But really don't give a fuck about that blasé blasé I play the resurrector like the Tribe cassette Cuz your third eye is just a fucking hole in your head I play the resurrector like the Tribe cassette Cuz your third eye is just a fucking hole in your head Gallon after gallon, brain's wet Seeing dead shit, morning never happened I'm still somewhere in my head space Walked for blocks, never figured out my destination 40 Glock pops, talk a cop into resignation I'm a mental patient, safety's not a strong suit Wrongdoer, safety off, one chambered, I'm dog puke Tell them shoot or just get off me, sociopathy probably Shit that bothers y'all probably never bothers me Told you not to follow me, newspaper's a shit show "Idiot with a slit throat stuffs coke in his pisshole Kills family with missiles" "Politician fucks bitches with issues" Everything I read is just a sick joke It never really registered as funny Rather figure out the time they fill the registers with money It never really registered as funny Rather figure out the time they fill the registers with money

I'm blowing on a backwood stuffed with psychiatrics Coughing with a hack like a playa out of practice 20 in my nose whatever get it done the fastest Eyes closed praying for apocalypse disasters No gods no masters no befores no afters Ugly mane will make you disappear just like a rapture Dodging destiny still the coffin like a bed to me The voices spoke incessantly My pride is what they fed to me Tried to read the messages but words was wrote illegibly Hennessy suppressing all my memories Mirror showed me glimpses of the enemies possessing me Toxic thought telepathy Living legacy Rocking weapons like accessories, dying for supremacy Really we're as significant as centipedes Crawl around the earth with no identities You're not special, don't pretend to be Your tendencies are so predictable it's difficult to remedy I could read a billion books still not know what pill I took I could have a million guns still walk with Achilles foot

HE USED TO LAUGH THE LOUDEST/NOW IT NEVER SHOWS HE TRIED TO BE THE TALLEST/BUT HE NEVER GROWS HE WATCHED HIS BROTHER DIE AND NEVER TOLD LOOKED AROUND AND KNEW HE HAD TO GO HE KNEW HIS FATHER HAD A BETTER DREAM BUT YOU CAN’T LEARN FROM WHAT YOU NEVER SEEN HE TRIED TO MINGLE WITH THESE JEALOUS THIEVES WATCH A HUMAN INTERACT WITH A MACHINE WATCH A HUMAN INTERACT WITH A MACHINE WATCH A HUMAN GET ABUSED BY A MACHINE WATCH A HUMAN GETTING USED BY A MACHINE NOW HE’S USELESS AND HE’S STUPID AND OBSCENE HE NEVER LEAVES HE NEVER LEAVES HE COMES AND HE GOES BUT HE NEVER LEAVES HE NEVER BREATHES HE NEVER BREATHES HE INHALES AND HE EXHALES BUT HE NEVER BREATHES

I fell apart and took my mind with me. i have been barely sustaining My pain just marinating. i fell apart and took my mind with me. just a Ghost cloaked in lies with a broken spine. i fell apart and took my mind With me. just an unrecognizable creature caught under an avalanche I fell apart and took my mind with me. my presence unnerving. im a Shadow always lurking. surrounded by death. even the towel rack Reminds me of the handles pallbearers grip tightly on the way out of Church. what they use to lift you up into the back of that hearse. i see A woman tighten grip on her purse. can’t be offended. she doesnt Know my intentions. she imagines the worse. around here. the Conditions severe. around here. you tightrope between detachment And fear. between the shattered fragments of existence that collapse And appear. never changes. just exacerbates depression deeper year And year. pain weaving in. pain weaving out. heartworms. sharpturns Sparsewords. scarsburns. i spent a long time dying. dont wake me up Yet. public executions. you’ll never see me upset. forcefed myself with Blow but now i settle for sedatives. no longer in the street. i belong in The crevices. positively negative. popular ive never been. hard to be a Person when you lack the mental requistes. emotionally deficit Consumed with all the wretchedness. not optimist or pessimist. my Politics are in exodus. spouting countless fountains out while drowning In the brine. my lifes the foulest algorithm science can't define. they Trap you in these systems that are phallic in design. because they fuck You in the mind. boy. they fuck you all the time. i fell apart and took My mind with me. being strung up at the ligaments with cultural Derivatives. i fell apart and took my mind with me. pronounced dead By a nemesis. a doubt without a benefit. i fell apart and took my mind with Me. just a cluster of atoms thrust deep in a chasm. i feel apart and now Your mind is with me. smoke in your eyes. the worlds a joke in disguise

Funny how the hours stretch and melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Everything is very temporary except decisions Just a navigation of this future I envisioned Humoring these people that too stupid to be living An arbitrary figment A movement that I never was Obvious when people seem different than the rest of us Or think less of us Only hoes I care about Pumping in the pipe fumes Car running, windows up Hoping I'll die soon Night time Eyes dilate bigger than bike tubes That's the reason that I stay up past the sunset "I liked your record! Where's the new one? Is it done yet?" Problems that I run from impossible to sublet You don’t want them either There's a fever in the subtext Boiled all the mercury I questioned what it's worth to me Hard liquor fire breath Slurred dialect In the mist like Bix Beiderbecke With overdose side effects Probably take a Prilosec and try to get some rest Cut the Midas fingers off and never sign a check "What about your future?" I-D-G-A-F World so cold I can see they breath Feeling like distance is a bitch to express Pissing upstream when your dick is erect Or when you're picking up steam and get a fist in the chest

I'm dead meat, I'm dead weight Dragging my body, holding my chin straight Probably never make it home again at this pace Waking the Devil up cause I've been staying at his place I'm dead meat, I'm dead weight Dragging my body, holding my chin straight Probably never make it home again at this pace Waking the Devil up cause I've been staying at his place I'm dead meat, I'm dead weight Dragging my body, holding my chin straight Probably never make it home again at this pace Waking the Devil up cause I've been staying at his place I'm dead meat, I'm dead weight Dragging my body, holding my chin straight Probably never make it home again at this pace Waking the Devil up cause I've been staying at his place

Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory Funny how the hours stretch, melt away my empathy Persistence of a memory

Back when I was 15 it seemed Ugly was untouchable What, they gonna throw me in the juvy for a month or two? Try me, I still ain't doin' nothing that you want me to Cuttin' and disrupting every classroom discussion Cussin' out my mom, puffin' blunts, gettin' dusted Overwhelmed with distrust in everything that I wasn't Things I know now (I guess I felt 'em back then): Power and control reflect fear among men The shit that they condemn you can see amongst them So I never ever ever want to be amongst them See a landscape littered with the blisters of potential People letting ghosts govern most of they mental The opposite adults your folks hope you'd resemble Doomed from the get like a goat in the temple Hard to not dwell among fear Knowing that the court treat crime so severe But I'm blowin' smoke out the window being so cavalier Sh-shakin' up the bottle when I open the beer Only obligation is to prosper in my operations Money motivations stay gaudy ostentatious Ain't even a challenge cuz the rap game basic I ain't heard talent since ["Incarcerated Scarfaces" Sample] Face it, it's fact not assumption Rap sound like shit like "ship" with the fronts in Hate getting lumped in, giant next to munchkins Catch me on the other side wildin' in the dungeon

You got sativa, ignite it World stiff as arthritis Dreaming about a crisis, all I fucking hear is sirens Climates turn to ice and your life turn to lifeless Sitting on my throne, I'm alone in the silence First hit the wax then you exhale the vapor Economies collapse and your stack just some paper Running round a maze while they laugh in your faces Rather burn down the city get me fucking 50 acres Slugs are just snails without shells The perception: evolution fucked them over and failed But they survive without protection in this jungle they dwell With giants throwing salt on all their people Can't consider them frail Spit vinegar in sour times Live under the power lines I'm just a bag of tumors full of alkaline All you do is carve them out and sew up any abscess Go about your business, keep your distance from the dragnets Backseat driving, passenger traveling Bumming a ride in my own brain Pointless meandering, using the vanity mirror to break up the cocaine Loitering, lost in a memory somewhere between a first kiss and a dope vein Nursing myself as an infant and in the same instant I'm shackled and cuffed and restrained How does this fucking pertain to anything other than coping with pain? All of the time I spent hoping to change Just an obsession with stoking the flames Haunted, something hovers over me I feels its breath The skeletal projection of accumulated stress

That could be our teenager, that could be our kid doing that. How could that possibly happen?

I got bad news Nothing really changes We just wander aimless Friends turn into strangers Chalk up my exchanges and discard the conversations As just carcasses for vultures in decomposition stages Endless entertainment for these culture commentators Stylish innovators that just vanish minutes later Say "his style is very painterly" But painting's not an art Art is tricking you with statements that the painter's painting art Without an explanation, it's just pretty little marks The market sold imagination just to keep you in the dark Like you bitches need a cosign to rock a fashion Like you can't see a bigger picture without a caption Until some critic go and write it out A long winded trite amount of words That you can slide around some websites and fight about Meaning's what your life's without Surf until you're wiping out Conservation activist You're living with your lights out

What's it all mean? What's he saying when he says it? What's the underlying topic? What's the motive in his message? But what if he was bored and there was no between the lines It was a way to pass the time, he liked the way it rhymed What if he was bored and there was no between the lines It was a way to pass the time, he liked the way it rhymed

What's it all mean? What's he saying when he says it? What's the underlying topic? What's the motive in his message?

You know what the rattling pieces are in this, don't you? Some little pieces of buffalo chicken