#that's how he copes with loneliness and depression apparently

[kikaichuno]

He has a lot of things to tell them and they can't interrupt.

Bonus under the cut.

[strawberrygummiess]

the nutcracker.

everyone x gender neutral!reader chapter one: the party |chapter two 3.5k words cross-posted on ao3 "The Nutcracker's face looks familiar, despite not fitting the description of any of your friends. You keep staring at its face, trying to determine who it looks like, but you keep coming up empty. You purse your lips, running through the people you’ve met in Twisted Wonderland. You even hold the Nutcracker up, spinning it across the room to compare it to your guests,"

When the excitement of Winter Break came to a head you were hit with a wave of homesickness unable to be quelled by any of your usual coping mechanisms. At first, you attributed it to the seasonal depression, and then the inevitable loneliness of an empty campus, soon it became apparent that you were missing your traditions for this time of year.

So, the weekend before students left for break, you decided to hold a Christmas party.

You expect prep work: making Ramshackle as presentable as possible in its current state, prepping enough food to keep Grim satisfied for at least an hour (without donations, there was no way you could afford to feed the partygoers and Grim all night, but you knew they’d understand), and scrambling enough craft supplies together to make DIY Christmas decorations.

At first, you only mentioned it to your freshmen. It would be a casual get-together where you could share your culture with them, cook them a meal, and exchange gifts with one another before they went off to break. Hosting a group of five and a Grim wasn’t impossible, if maybe a little tight on the bank.

Until the news spread across campus.

It was Deuce who let it slip first. During a study session, he mentioned your party absentmindedly to Trey and Cater. And from there it was only a matter of time before Riddle knew. You were ready to be annoyed, already trying to stretch your budget to accommodate your guests, but seeing Deuce’s remorseful face, you couldn’t be mad for very long. “A few more guests, especially as polite as they were, wouldn’t be too bad,” you thought, already brewing up a plan to put Trey to work. A group of eight and a Grim could work if you were smart about where your funds went.

Sebek was next to ruin your plans. You brought the freshmen together, begging them not to let anyone else know about your party unless they planned on contributing to the cause. From there you spied Sebek’s puckered face, torn between the urge to defend himself or to stay quiet to avoid your lecture. You were hoping to be wrong about your suspicions, but when Lilia approached you happily about attending your party, you knew it was too late to rescind the invite, lest you face Malleus’ wrath.

You don’t know when Epel and Jack told their respective housewardens, however, they made it very clear they were offended by your lack of direct invitation (although Leona continued to emphasize that he wasn’t going regardless). By then you were hoping that would be the end of unexpected guests, and you could progress with prepping for triple the amount of your original guest list.

One cannot utter the word “party” without Kalim hearing it. Honestly, you were surprised he hadn’t heard earlier. That day Kalim volunteered (and voluntold Jamil) his help and support. And while you were nervous about how out-of-control your get-together had gotten, you were excited to have an appropriate amount of food to feed your guests.

You knew Azul was annoyed about being out of the loop for so long, complaining it was bad for business to be “so behind the times” even if he regarded you with such an extreme level of politeness. Any explanation you tried to throw in was quickly waved away with a proposal to work your party for a small sum. If you couldn’t afford to host five students, you absolutely could not afford to pay Azul’s high prices. And you were keen on keeping your house for the entire winter break. Eventually, you convinced him that the party would be a prime networking opportunity, persuading him to just attend normally.

If there was anyone you could count on not attending your party, it was Idia. While you were scrounging together supplies at Sam’s, Ortho asked about the party. After explaining how your intimate get-together had spiraled out of control, Ortho had excitedly confirmed his arrival, much to Idia’s displeasure. You supposed you had jumped the gun too early on counting him out.

Finally, you added everyone to a group chat and announced the party. “The cat’s out of the bag!” You opened sarcastically. Everyone had invited themselves over at this point, you were only fulfilling formalities (and trying to prevent guests from arriving several hours too early). “6 PM, Friday the 20th. Try not to be late.”

--

While most students were readying to leave for winter break, you were stuck prepping Ramshackle for a party quadruple the size you originally planned for. What was originally a homey set of décor and menu, now looked exponentially sadder than you were comfortable presenting. You weren’t sure what to make Grim do, scared he’d light your kitchen on fire or destroy even more of your already pathetic Charlie Brown-style Christmas tree. Luckily, the ghosts of Ramshackle were handling most of the decorating while you cleaned the floors. But you know he couldn’t stay in the same spot on your couch, snoozing away until dinner is served.

“Okay Grim,” You start, approaching him with a rag in hand, “I need to finish cooking, or else our party guests won’t have anything to eat-“

“Or me!”

“Yes, or you,” You roll your eyes. “So, I need you to please finish tidying up the house before our guests arrive. Please,” You hand him your dirty wag and wave him off, quickly running to the kitchen to check on the food you started. It was 5 pm when your first guests arrived. Flustered, you rushed to let the members of Heartslabyul in.

“I think you misread the time!” You said, taking dishes from Trey’s hands to place in the kitchen. “The party doesn’t start for another hour!”

“We figured you needed the help,” Ace grinned, taking in the half-decorated room and Grim’s lazy figure, still curled up in a ball with the cleaning rag laid on top of him as a makeshift blanket. “And we were right. Without us, you won’t get anything done, Prefect,”

Before you can argue, everyone is helping. Trey has taken over your kitchen, Deuce and Cater are assisting the Ghosts with finishing the decor, and Riddle and Ace are adding magical touches to your twig/Christmas tree.

Once it’s closer to the party start time, more people begin to arrive. Jamil and Kalim show up at 5:30. Jamil runs to the kitchen as soon as you open the door, leaving Kalim to shower you with an abundance of gifts, hugs, and happy kisses on your cheeks. Vil, Epel, and Rook show up at 5:50, each with a hostess gift in hand. Azul and Jade show up at 6 on the dot, claiming Floyd is waiting to be fashionably late. They too, hand you a gift, but you find yourself reluctant to take it.

Jack arrives on his own, annoyed at Leona and Ruggie’s tardiness. You playfully remind him that he’s arrived 30 minutes after the start time, and he wags his tail in embarrassment before entering. Floyd waltzes in closely behind him, wrapping you in a hug so tight you squeak in surprise. Diasomnia arrives shortly after, Silver apologizing profusely for their tardiness while Lilia attempts to shove Tupperware into your hands. Sebek quickly grabs the offensive concoction and throws it onto your lawn, much to your annoyance. Malleus is practically buzzing with excitement as he enters Ramshackle.

The last of your guests arrive at 7. Leona and Ruggie stroll in (Ruggie is carrying the now empty Tupperware inside, keen on taking leftovers home) handing you a hostess gift more expensive than useful to you. Idia is tumbling in after him, being shoved by Ortho. You breathe a sigh of relief as you get ready to serve

The chattering fills your living room. You’ve long scrapped the idea of a “formal” dinner setting, your dining room table too small to house twenty-three people, and a gluttonous cat, opting to feed everyone “buffet-style” instead. Dishes were set on any clear surface area, from the coffee table to your kitchen counter. Some of them are yours, most donated by Jamil and Trey. And all of them were quickly being eaten by Grim.

“C’mon Grim!” Ace whined, swatting away the mischievous cat’s paw from his plate. Deuce juggled a cup and plate in one hand, and an irate cat in the other, looking to you for support. “Don’t be greedy!”

Grim hisses in frustration. “I’m hungry and you took the last samosa! I wanted that! It’s so yummy and warm,” Grim leaps from his place in Deuce’s arms, forcing him to spill his drink on the floor, and runs to you, pressing his face into your leg, feigning affection.

“Hench-human,” He purrs circling and nuzzling your legs. “Please ask Jamil to make me more samosas!”

“No.”

“But it’s Christmas!”

You rolled your eyes, nudging him out of the way. “Let me clean that up, Deuce. If you guys could just keep Grim from eating anything else,” You quickly excused yourself from the buffet line, moving into the kitchen.

Trey was nursing a cup, leaning against the kitchen counter watching the oven. Jamil stood beside him, engaging in polite conversation. Trey waved at you when you walked in.

“I thought the kitchen was closed,” you remarked, opening a cabinet to grab a towel. “What are you cooking?”

“I figured I’d make a ‘Christmas cake’” Trey said. “It’s a Yule log- well it will be a Yule log. Right now, it’s just a sponge cake.”

“I’m taking my holiday break,” Jamil says flatly, sipping from his cup. “Kalim is occupied with dinner and the Pop Music Club. I can afford to be away from the party for a few minutes,”

“Well, if you haven’t eaten yet, you both better be sure to grab yourself a plate, Grim is halfway through the buffet, with no signs of stopping,” You wave them goodbye, quickly exiting before they can request food from you.

When you return to the buffet line, Ace, Deuce, and Grim are gone. You huff in annoyance before quickly cleaning the puddle Deuce left behind. If you worked quickly, it wouldn’t leave a sticky patch on your floor.

“Child of Man, you shouldn’t clean a mess you didn’t make,”

“If I don’t, Tsunotaro, no one will,” You look up at Malleus with a grin. He still looks elated, positively glowing with happiness. “How are you enjoying yourself? Party to your liking?”

“Absolutely delightful. I even find myself enjoying the company of the more… audacious students,”

Leona.

“Well, I hope you continue to enjoy yourself. Sorry- I’m a bit stretched thin tonight. I’ll see you again, promise,” you finish cleaning the puddle and extend your hand, pinkie outstretched. He linked his with yours, and you shake on it, before quickly excusing yourself to talk to more guests.

You find Leona on your couch, languidly lounging across the entire sofa. Ruggie is perched in the small space he left, packing leftovers. He makes little quips to Leona, occasionally prompting a few grunts of acknowledgment. Vil is in one of your loveseats, tsking at everything Leona says and does, judgmental stare lasering in on the indolent lion. Rook sat idly on the arm of the loveseat, observing the scene unfold in front of him.

“Ah, bonsoir Mon Filou,” Rook greets you, prompting the group to acknowledge you. “We are having a wonderful time. Come sit with us!” Vil gestures for Leona to sit up, and to your surprise, he does. Ruggie snickers, teasingly signaling you to sit down where Leona’s head was.

“It’s okay, I’m making rounds- “Leona promptly plops back down. “Besides I think I need to find Grim. Everyone’s been enjoying themselves too much,”

“I know I am. I’ve got a ton of delicious food to take back home!”

(You try to ignore how the leftovers were supposed to be for you.)

“It’s a delightful party. You’ve done a great job on short notice- “Another grunt of approval comes from Leona. “But if you’re looking for Grim, I think I saw him bothering Riddle,” Vil says, gesturing to the other end of the room. You turn, spying the Octotrio, Riddle, and Grim huddled in a corner. You thank Vil and quickly excuse yourself to diffuse the situation. “And if you see Epel, send him over! Last I saw him he was stuffing his face with all carbs no vegetables!”

Grim is quick to yowl when he sees you, struggling in Floyd’s grip. Riddle gives you a helpless glance, silently begging you to save him.

“Ah, Prefect, perfect that you’ve come by,” Azul turns to face you with a polite smile. Floyd quickly drops Grim, and before you can grab him, he runs between your legs. You notice Riddle inching away from the group, also looking for a quick exit.

“Shrimpy!” Floyd exaggerates the “y”, quickly grabbing you now that his hands are empty. “Let’s see if you squeak again if I squeeze this much!”  On cue, Floyd envelopes you in a bear hug, pressing your chest into his. His fists lock in the middle of your back and push, increasing the pressure until you hear a series of cracks emanating from your body.

“Okay! Uncle! Floyd!” You squirm around in his hold, trying to escape the pressure on your back. You eye Azul and Jade, hoping they’ll call Floyd off, but they only giggle at your pain. Riddle is long gone at this point.

“Alright that’s enough Floyd,” Azul gently pushes Floyd off you, and you grimace at the soreness on your back. The bruise on your back was bound to be painful. “We need the Prefect in perfect health,”

“Or not. If you’re feeling sore, we could always finish hosting for you,” Jade runs a hand up your back. What was supposed to be a soothing gesture only burns in pain when he reaches the sore spot. “For a small fee, of course,”

“You must be enjoying yourselves if you feel like you need to invest in the party,” you say rubbing the sore spot. “But I’ll pass. Everyone’s going to want to leave for break early tomorrow morning, I can’t imagine people will be staying for much longer,”

Jade tsks, before smiling again. “We’ll be here all break, do stop by for tea. You can teach us more about Christmas,”

You give him a nod, leaving quickly before they try to coerce you into a shady deal, or before Floyd gives you another squeeze.

--

It was shocking how well Grim could hide.

Every time you greeted a guest, you’d ask if they had seen him. Usually, it was the buffet line. But he was nowhere to be found every time. You thought by now he’d be unafraid of Floyd (and Idia, who unhappily sulked in a corner waiting to find an opportunity to sneak away). Originally, you thought it was nice to be away from his chaos, but the longer he was away, the more likely he was creating chaos somewhere else on campus.

You were leaning against the wall, scanning the room for your plump cat. Kalim was on his third cup of cocoa, Jamil tiredly rubbing his temples. The freshmen stacked various objects on Silver’s sleeping body, while Lilia doodled on his face. Idia was still glowering in the corner, but now Azul was hovering above him, trying to engage in conversation. Even if Grim was causing trouble elsewhere, you could at least call your Christmas party a success.

Your reverie is interrupted by the front door slamming open. Grim is sitting smugly, tail waving contently. Behind him stands the headmaster, decked in red and holding a sack.

“Hench-human! I brought you Christmas!”

Crowley enters the room, blabbering about his “infinite generosity!” before slinging the sack over the coffee table with a large crack. Great.

Grim is circling through your legs again, purring and rubbing against your legs, clearly proud of himself. “Crowley brought us all gifts. I told him he had to play Sanda. He said he has something special for everyone,” He chirps, nuzzling his head into your calf. “I had to keep running around so you wouldn’t spoil the surprise,” You’re so touched by his affection that you don’t even correct him.

Your guests seem unsurprised by Crowley’s entrance. Floyd quickly dives into the sack, looking for his gift, while Cater snaps pictures of your shocked face. You hear him exchange words with Ace, who cannot contain his cackles.

“I’m totally gonna print these,” Cater shoves his phone in Ace’s face. “They look totes’ adorbs, don’t you think Acey?” You ignore their gleeful laughs and shove your way forward.

“You guys were running me around on purpose?”

“You were hellbent on finding him,” Leona yawns. You were surprised he was still awake, completely unmoving from his position on the couch. “Personally, I wouldn’t’ve cared where the furball went,”

“So- “You shove Leona’s torso and move to sit on the couch facing Crowley. He immediately lays his head on your lap and closes his eyes, ready to nap for the rest of the party. “You guys knew Crowley was coming as Santa? …Do you even know who Santa is?”

“Nope!” Grim begins to swat at Leona’s ears, fighting for a seat on your lap. “But he’s Christmas, right? He brings everyone presents and then that’s when Christmas starts!”

“Well, not exactly,” Crowley begins handing gifts around. When he hands you a lumpy, chalky, substance, labeled: “Leona”, you laugh. “Santa brings gifts for kids on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day you open the gifts with your friends and family. But Christmas happens regardless of if Santa visits,”

Crowley shoves one last gift into your face, wrapped in brown parchment paper, labeled: “Prefect”. It’s strangely oblong (and noticeably not a check) and awkwardly shaped, messily kept together by twine. If Grim told you he wrapped it himself, you’d believe him.

“This is for you,” Crowley shakes the present in your face. “I want to see how grateful you are when you see it, so open it right away,”

You roll your eyes and unwrap the gift, untying the twine and ripping the paper. Underneath is a nutcracker. It’s a picture-perfect nutcracker, clad in a striking red military uniform, topped with silver hair. He holds a scepter in one hand, sword holstered on the opposite hip. Gold embellishments decorate the statue, almost glistening when held in certain lights. It was beautiful and ornate.

“Oh wow,” you say, turning it around in your hands. It feels high quality and expensive, and you’re surprised Crowley would even gift something of this nature to you. “Thank you, this is really beautiful,”

Crowley clasps his hands together in delight. “See, my generosity knows no bounds, does it not, Prefect? How wonderful to see your delighted face,” He continues to ramble on, but you tune him out and continue to observe the nutcracker.

Its face looks familiar, despite not fitting the description of any of your friends. You keep staring at its face, trying to determine who it looks like, but you keep coming up empty. You purse your lips, running through the people you’ve met in Twisted Wonderland. You even hold the Nutcracker up, spinning it across the room to compare it to your guests.

“What are you doing, Prefect?” Riddle asks, quirking his brow at your behavior. You ignore him and shake your head, moving the nutcracker to the next victim (choosing to ignore his comment about breaking a ridiculous rule) comparing its face to Jack.

“Who does this look like, Grim?” You ask moving the doll around the room again. You reach up to scratch behind his ears to get his attention. He’s settled on your shoulders after losing the battle for your lap.

“Hmm… Trein! Or uh… that one guy we met at Noble Bell,”

You give him a sideways glance. “Is it because he has gray hair? Why not Silver then?”

“Because this guy looks serious! And old,”

You shake your head and chuckle. Maybe it just had a familiar face.

--

It was a nightmare trying to get everyone out of your dorm (including Crowley, who insisted on calling the rest of the staff to your party. Thankfully, they all declined his offer). By the time you cleaned everything up and forced everyone out, it was well into the early morning. You had originally promised to see everyone out in the morning, but now that you were getting ready for bed, you regretted making that promise.

You flopped on your bed immediately, groaning into the sheets as your body sank into the too-soft mattress. You had to sleep on your stomach, the bruise from Floyd’s “hug” still fresh in your skin. The sheets were cold underneath your comforter, a welcome change from the warm living room. You sigh in relief, glancing at the nutcracker on your mantle before closing your eyes, and drifting into a deep sleep.

The Nutcracker, eyes once focused in front of him, glances at your sleeping form. He straightens his back and stays alert, awaiting any danger that would come forth.

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Jeremy and the minorities he loves to represent and apparently was born to

This post by @freedelusionshere cracked open a pattern that was right there in front of me for a while now and I hadn't really been paying attention to:

Jeremy Allen White's career choices

I won't go over every single role he ever played but overall his taste is quite distinctive and particular, he's into the marginalized, the anti-heroes, and the minorities.

He's not afraid of having to dive deep into his dark side to play addicts, disabled, depressed, suicidal, and traumatized human beings who struggle with mental health issues and don't always win their battles or are elegant about it.

His most famous roles are Lip Gallagher and Carmy Berzatto

Both addicts, the product of a traumatic upbringing with abusive parents and absent parental figures, with older siblings who played roles in his characters' lives that they shouldn't have due to the dysfunctional family dynamic they lived in.

He also played Kerry Von Erich, who lost his battle with addiction and a part of his leg as well and whose whole family was part of the problem, no matter how much they loved him. Kerry Von Erich was a fatal victim of his toxic environment and upbringing.

More about Carmy and Kerry's parallels here:

In Cornflower (short-film) Jeremy played the big half-brother of this little girl whose mother killed herself and he was in charge of "protecting" his baby sister from the news and sending her away

He's the Boss, the chef, the champ, the protector in his own fucked up way, but not really because he plays the shadow aspects of all those characters, otherwise, he's just not interested.

Jeremy once said (for GQ magazine) that if he played the romantic lead in a rom-com it would also have to be very sad.

And now, when he steps into The Boss' shoes leather jacket he doesn't play the idol, the icon, but one of his darkest moments.

Deliver me from nowhere

The movie tells The Boss' story during a time of his life that he described himself as dark and challenging, filled with isolation and loneliness.

I read Warren Zanes' novel a few months ago when I found out that JAW had been cast as the lead and LOVED IT. He also wrote Tom Petty's bio, which I haven't read yet (but definitely will because I love Petty) and served as VP of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, back when I still gave a fuck about it.

Zanes' Deliver Me from Nowhere captures that feeling completely. No wonder JAW felt compelled to play that part.

Nebraska, Springsteen's album (1982) was his 6th studio album and followed the widely successful and critically acclaimed album: The River and it was off-beat compared to its predecessors because it contained darker and more solemn lyrics but most importantly because The Boss lived up to his nickname and fought his Record label at the time (Columbia Records) refusing to tour to promote it. As a result the album only reached number 3 in both USA and the UK.

Bruce was going through a lot and having a hard time coping with fame and struggling to balance his personal life with his career, re-defining what the concept of "success" meant for him.

The book goes over that struggle and inner turmoil, it says it got to the point where the album was recorded by a Springsteen who literally couldn't get outta bed to do it. It was recorded in his bedroom.

The author says:

"Nebraska is the recording that matters the most in Bruce Springsteen's career. But not because of the hits it contains or it's renowned or because of its generation of young people played it on repeat while they searched for themselves in bedroom mirrors. It needs a different measure. Springsteen made the record when he was the object of tremendous expectations. (...) They were waiting for Born in the USA and that's not what they got, the truth was that Springsteen was a little lost."

Again, no wonder JAW got cast for this role.

I wish nothing but the best for him and I expect nothing but the best from his performance. I'm sure that it must be terrifying for him having to sing for the first time but the way I see it only 2 outcomes can come outta that: either he rocks or he's dubbed by The Boss himself who rocks even harder, so I'm cool.

This is the beast JAW has to tame (And make it relatable, moving, and hopefully award-winning):

The album's reverb-laden vocals and mood combined with dark lyrical content have been described by music critic William Ruhlmann as "one of the most challenging albums ever released by a major star on a major record label"

Source: Wikipedia.

I'm positive he can do it and I'll be there, watching and crying as he does.

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋

[walkingstackofbooks]

I was thinking last night about how it would have affected Julian if he'd arrived a few seconds too late to that Cargo Bay in Hard Time and Miles had died in front of him (because that's always a fun (distressing) scene to imagine 👀) and that kind of spiralled into a whole canon-divergent 'verse...

Because then I got to The Quickening, and while I don't think Kira and Dax would have let a more emotionally-vulnerable Julian actually stay on the planet by himself for that whole time, if they did (or if he refused to beam up/ threw away his badge so they couldn't find him/ idk otherwise made it so they had to leave him) (because if anything he's going to be even MORE convinced he has to save every life he possibly can) it would obviously be even more devastating.

And I can imagine that, after all that time that Julian has spent with Ekoria and looking after her, Trevean might ask if Julian's going to take her baby or leave him to be raised on Teplan. In the canon universe Julian's obviously like *nervous laughter* "no I think he'll be better off with you... I could not raise a child" but in this 'verse he's entered his Feeling-All-The-Loneliness-Feels phase early and so is like "fuck I can't raise a kid but also I Literally Cannot Leave This Child It Would Kill Me" and so he takes Ekoria's baby back to DS9.

He takes his kid to the medical conference he goes to with Jake which, valid, but then they get the distress call from Ajilon Prime* and he's like "I can't take my baby to a warzone" and Jake's like "I'll look after him, it sounds like these people need you" and Julian's pretty torn but also he does Need To Save People so they go and, uh. Like I think reactions are pretty mixed about the baby but Julian is literally a Lifesaver so no-one's gonna complain too much and some of the patients want to hold Maris (the kid's called Maris after Ekoria's husband I decided) and it's sweet, y'know, to have a moment outside of the war and pain with this tiny lil bab.

[*Umm yeah this was just me jumping to the most fun (traumatic) events to imagine as I tried to go to sleep so forgive me but...]

Obviously Jake doesn't go off to the runabout with the kid so he still gets lost and when he returns Julian's cradling the baby and idk but my heart just imagining the scene where Julian's like "I should never have brought you here, what was I thinking?" is just MORE with him having his own son there too.

And then we skip to IPS/BIL and Julian's in the prison camp not knowing if his baby is alive and then coming back to realise the changeling has been parenting his son for a month (and having to run multiple test on Maris to check if his baby is actually his or if Maris is a changeling too) and also no-one even noticed he was missing even though apparently his kid had been crying like all the time (and fuck, how fucked up is that going to leave Maris because that sort of thing affects kids when it happens that young, right? anxietyyyy)

(also Miles would have noticed I wasn't me, Julian thinks. because he needs more reasons to feel sad.)

And then DBIP in this 'verse makes me UNHINGED because IMAGINE a Julian Bashir who hit his depression point a season earlier but has been teetering along okay since Maris came along now that he has this whole little life to look after and he will do Anything for his child. (okay apart from stay away from warzones when there are people to save but you know. basically anything)

Anyway yeah so Julian's got Maris with him in Sisko's office when Jadzia turns up with his parents and he is FAR less able to cope than canon Julian is because 1. more emotional instability, but mostly 2. he is a Dad with a Kid and NOPE he cannot have his parents anywhere near his baby that is Not Happening.

He has his oh, my god moment and then hands Maris to Sisko being like "Your grandson is lovely, Commander" and Ben and Jadzia are like ??? but play along and Julian finds some quarters for his parents and by the time they've got there with all the small talk of "hah, for a second there I thought you'd be telling us we have grandkids! when are you going to settle down with a nice girl, Jules?" he's ready to burst but his kid's still with Sisko so he just excuses himself with "I've got to work" and hurries back...

Dax and Sisko totally haven't been gossiping about him and they're all like "So what was that about? Grandson??" and he's like "You saw how they kept calling me Jules, right? I haven't gone by that name since I was 15. And my dad saying he had to convince me to do medicine?? He hated the idea of me being a doctor. I had to study for Starfleet in secret because he just couldn't let go of the idea of his son being a famous tennis player. And now he's convinced himself my career was all his idea!" and is getting angrier and sadder and Maris starts crying and so he's hushing him like "it's okay, i'm sorry, i'm not angry with you, i love you, you're safe, i'm not going to hurt you" -- just idle things he's not really thinking about

Ofc Sisko and Dax are immediately on it like, "Why are you saying that? Did your parents hurt you...?"

And Julian's like a deer in the headlights, and awkwardly replying, "Not, like... My father didn't get as angry with me once I was seven and had grown up a bit, got more capable.. and I hit my growth spurt when I was 14, I got bigger than him, he didn't really do anything after that."

"That's not really an answer," Sisko tells him.

Julian's body stills for a moment. "Isn't it?" he replies quietly, looking up at the captain.

...

And then Sisko gets Kira involved to kick his parents off the station and you think the augment reveal isn't going to happen because Julian deserves a break and his parents are gone and can't fuck it up anymore ...

BUT, nah: Zimmerman - realising he's not going to get his precious interviews after all - decides to bug Julian's parents (because what's privacy when you have a job to do?). And then Rom realises that Zimmerman is cocking up a load of things on the LMH deliberately because he doesn't want to replace the EMH* and looks into Zimmerman's files and finds the report he's going to send and blackmails the guy* (there's gotta be a rule of acquisition about that right?) into not sending the report.

[*Not my idea -- this was the original plan for the episode, though with Miles, not Rom.]

Also after all this Julian really feels like he needs to punch something he goes to Quark's to viciously hurl sharp pointy objects at a board because that's the next best thing -- but also he hasn't exactly done that since Miles, and why is the fucking dartboard still up anyway it's not like anyone else ever uses it so he has another minor breakdown over that and tries to rip it down until Leeta drags him into a storeroom.

(oh yeah I totally think Leeta would have broken up with him when he turned up with a baby -- like not in a mean way, just in a "I'm sorry Julian, I love you, but I'm not ready for a kid (and also you did just leave me for a month without sending a message and you definitely didn't think about me before agreeing to adopt the kid, did you?)" kind of way, y'know? but they're still friends and she still definitely cares for him.)

(idk when rom tells Julian what he did to zimmerman but when he does he's also awkwardly like "oh and I wish you and Leeta all the best" and Julian's like ???? and Rom's like "I saw you with her in the storeroom earlier. she called you sweetheart" or something and has assumed they're back together.)

--

And that's as far as I got but I just had to write it up so far because it has haunted me all day and I just need to get it out there.

Thanks for reading my stream of thoughts 💔

[deepestuniversallove]

Hey I literally logged in just to give you support. Don't listen to these idiots telling you that you're gross for loving Mewtwo.

Because if loving Mewtwo is gross then the entire monster-fucking community should also be shamed but they aren't hmmmmmm I wonder why.

The degenerates in this fandom are perfectly fine with Ash fucking Latias, and men fucking Gardevoir, Vaporeon, or whatever slutty monster girl bitch of the week, but nooo you self shipping with Mewtwo is apparently cONcERnING or whatever.

(I love how no one calls the Hatsune Miku guy names lol, do I smell double standards? )

But this doesn't surprise me because the Pokemon community is full of hypocrites and these are the same no - life losers who shit their pants because Ash isn't in the anime anymore, their parents truly failed in raising them.

Lord knows I faced enough trouble for loving Steven and that too, from an Eevee fucker.

Monika, sweetie you are doing nothing wrong, your love for Mewtwo is so innocent, sweet and pure. I think it's beautiful how helped you with depression and escape your narcissistic mother.

People on this site love to preach mental health support but the very minute you do something different yet harmless suddenly it's

"OH NO YOU DARE TO LOVE A "FICTIONAL CHARACTER"

Keep on giving them rectal bleeding and draw more of you and Mewtwo ;) I love to see it.

AHH thank you so much for this message!! 🥹 That is so sweet of you!

Yeah, I dunno why it has always been like this. Even 10 or even 20 years ago, I often got messages chastising me for selfshipping with Mewtwo, calling it "nasty" and "degenerate", when really, i am not doing it to specifically be a degenerate, but because I honestly love Mewtwo. In his story, he too had to fight against a narcissistic "parent" (Giovanni), just like I had to against my own. How can it be seen as a crime to want to believe? Or has it been wrong to say "Mewtwo, please teach me to be brave like you" in my mind during the hard times, especially back when I was a lonely child?

Haha, I doubt anyone could ever shame the monster fucker community out of what they are doing. Or the furry community for that matter. 🤣

There always seems to be some sort of underlying misogyny happening. Women are expected to get an IRL husband/boyfriend to serve as soon as possible, so seeing a woman openly rather selfship with a fictional character is threatening to them, because how dare a woman not be in the kitchen and make sandwiches for a man? How dare a woman prefer to be single when there is a "male crisis of loneliness" happening?

Then again, I don't think I owe society anything. Where was society when I was abused? Where was the help or the community when I needed them most? I was left to my own devices. When a fictional character like Mewtwo brings someone like me more hope than any IRL human, that's how I know we failed as a society. Even sicker is that other more destructive forms of coping mechanisms are more encouraged. Somehow selfshipping is seen as more evil by the "moral police" than dying from a drug overdose on the streets or having alcoholism.

Anyone who ever complains to me about "ruining Mewtwo" or whatever - no, you aren't "concerned", you are just using that word to camouflage that what you really want is control over me and what I put out there. And i can tell you it is futile. I haven't survived so far just for some snotty brats to tell me what i can or cannot do in MY online space. Don't like what I post? Tough titties, use the block button. No one is forcing you to look at my "cringe". My cringy stuff brings me joy and makes me happy, and I feel I deserve some happiness in this shitty world of ours. You do too, so just..go and have some fun yourself. Don't waste your only life on policing others.

So yeah, you are right, dagdasgoddess. I will keep giving people "rectal bleeding". 🤣 No one can stop me from loving Mewtwo, my guardian angel that even visits me in my dreams at night, and loves me even when I absolutely despise myself. He will always be a bastion of love for me, a symbol that life is worth living regardless of hardships.

[lickoutyourbrains]

I feel so bad for Jon, he's basically blown up, in the hospital for 6 months and now it seems that everyone hates him. (I know that's not the case, but it's how I would feel if all of this was happening to me).

Sure, Basira has kind of filled Jon in on the fact that they were under attack at one point. But she's still so cold and distant with him. Nevermind the fact that apparently Martin's never around anymore, the one person who has been with Jon from the beginning. And having to cope with Tim's death. And Melanie's mental breakdown(which is warranted, she's a prisoner for the institute that she JUST had to defend from an attack,,, even AFTER Elias put that memory in her head).

I don't know, it just seems like Jon no longer has a support system right now. And he has to get it together in order to help everyone. And I get that part of that's his own fault for keeping secrets and then the paranoia surrounding him in S2(the paranoia wasn't his fault, but how he dealt with it definitely was).

Also,,, I loved how you described Elias and Peter as dads, they very much are like fucked up(but sort of well-meaning, I think) dads. From the little I know of Peter Lukas, it seems his favorite is Martin. And Jon was Elias's special boy.

I'm about to listen to 125 of TMA, but I think, based on the cws in the transcripts, I'll have to take this one a little bit slower than the others.

-g

Aaah yes. Season 4. The Depression season where everyone is having the uttermost worst time ever<3 Just all floating out in a sea of loneliness<3

lol Elias and Peter are on their dozenth divorce rn and this time they're taking the kids with them /j

Ooh yes a Slaughter statement, those are always intense.

[rebrandedstoryline]

Rebranded - 15.1 - Impending Gloom

Sad, angsty things in development. This is the warning segment that leads up to some major (depressing) revelations about Ayala's history. Some of Logan's background will also be brought into light come upcoming segments, and we'll wind up seeing why he's so hyper protective where she's concerned.

Word Count: 1,429

The changes in Ayala’s general demeanor came quickly. Very quickly.

She began to carry an aura of sadness about her almost as soon as she had finished putting all of the items in her “Sad Box” on display. That aura only began to grow in intensity as the days progressed, and it grew quickly.

Over the course of a few hours she would go from seeming to be just a tad glum, to very obviously being on the brink of a mental break. Yet she showed an alarming amount of skill when it came to calming herself down just before she snapped.

Sun and Moon both observed her various methods of self-comfort, with varied degrees of reluctance.

Naturally, Sun wanted to care for the woman.

She, however, rejected his attempts, fully intent on relying on her own skills to maintain her sanity.

Suddenly the stuffed animals that she seemed to hoard made more sense. She hadn’t been bringing them into her home to fill up the empty space or to ease away her loneliness. She had been using them as a means of comfort during periods of stress.

As her emotional distress began to build, she would stop anything that she was doing to retrieve a stuffed animal. The size and the shape never seemed to matter. What mattered, at least based upon what the animatronics could observe, was how it felt and how well she could maintain eye contact with it.

When she needed to calm herself, she would take a stuffed animal. She would begin to squeeze it, usually on its limbs, though she would sometimes hold its face. Then she would begin to take long and drawn out breaths as she locked eyes with the toy. With each breath taken, her mind would begin to settle. The animatronics were able to observe just how effective this peculiar method of self-comfort was.

Stress which appeared to quickly build over the course of a few hours would be quickly relieved through this process over the course of a few minutes.

Fascinating as the event might have been under better circumstances, it very quickly became apparent that her coping methods were losing their viability. She had only needed to lock eyes with a stuffed animal once on the first night after unpacking the “Sad Box".

But she had also failed to sleep that night. And she never finished her dinner.

Everything that came after was a gradual but obvious downward spiral.

Ayala needed to turn to her unusual coping mechanism three times throughout the next day. The first time, an hour after waking. The second event took place many hours later, when the sun had reached the apex of the sky. The final time was right before bed. Each time, she needed to maintain her slow breathing for longer, and the stress did not seem to reduce quite as much.

While she had made herself food at some point throughout the day, she ate very little of it. As she sat at her desk attempting to work, it was very clear that she was distracted. Both by whatever it was that weighed upon her mind, and by the lack of sleep.

When she eventually went to bed on that second night, she failed to sleep.

That was where the problems really began to stand out. The lack of sleep and failure to eat did nothing to help her mental state.

Her refusal to accept any help from the animatronics did nothing to make the scenario easier.

Sun primarily attempted to get her to eat. He resumed making the little snacks that she claimed she had enjoyed. The heart shaped toasts with jam. Peanut butter and celery sticks.

What concerned him was her lack of an overall reaction to the food. He would offer her the plate and she would quietly look at it for a moment, before telling him he could place it anywhere beside her.

In the past, she would have laughed. While there had been a point in time where that laughter made him feel insecure, he now wished that it would come back. Ayala’s drastic change in behavior was alarming. Whatever it was that was upsetting her, it needed to be dealt with.

But she refused to acknowledge or even address the issue.

Her condition showed no signs of improvement come the third day.

Again, her need to cope through the use of stuffed animals increased. The effectiveness of her coping mechanism had been greatly reduced, meaning that her stress levels remained heightened even after bringing herself down from the brink of a mental breakdown. All that she was doing was putting off the inevitable.

While the animatronics could not tell exactly what it was that was upsetting her, their medical sensors were able to keep tabs on the state of her brain. What they were suddenly encountering were symptoms of severe psychological trauma. Symptoms which had not really been detectable prior to the introduction of the “Sad Box”.

On some level, she was displaying symptoms associated with PTSD.

By the third day, her lack of sleep and food had begun to take an obvious toll on her body. She grew disoriented and confused.

Sun continued to try and get her to eat, going so far as to physically hold food against her lips. But still, she did not eat. And Sun was too meek to attempt to force the food into her mouth.

Her only response was that she was not hungry. Which was regrettably true.

She was nauseous. The animatronics systems could very well detect that. Unfortunately, that nausea had a negative effect on her appetite, which was why she would not eat.

So her symptoms continued to worsen through that third day. She became more unsteady on her feet due to lack of sleep, and her need to comfort herself with stuffed animals grew so frequent that she could not even afford to put one down.

Moon, having reached the point where even he could not deny his concern, physically carried Ayala to her room just as the sky began to go dark.

In her disoriented state, she could not even try to argue with him. At least not in a recognizable manner, outside of attempting to get out of her bed when Moon put her in it.

Not that she ever managed to leave her bed.

Moon was not as meek as his twin. He understood that Ayala needed to sleep. It was not an option for debate.

He spent the entirety of that third night crouched over the bed beside her, using a hand to assure that she could not escape.

She tried. Many times. But she also nearly fell asleep many times, only to abruptly snap awake.

That was when it became obvious what was going on, at least in terms of why she was failing to rest. She was afraid of sleeping. Specifically, afraid of whatever nightmares she knew were awaiting her.

Sun attempted to calm her. He tried to sing, but his music did nothing. He had never been good at getting children to rest. It came as no surprise that a particularly stubborn adult with undisclosed mental health issues would prove especially difficult to put to bed.

Still. Attempts were made. Futile, futile attempts.

Due to the woman never succumbing to sleep, and continued refusal to eat, the animatronics came to a mutual decision.

Given that they were not equipped to see her properly taken care of, then they would need to contact someone who could. Sun was the one put in charge of this task, as he was already familiar with accessing Ayala’s phone.

He need not snoop for long to locate the contact details that he needed. There was also no need for him to interact much with the phone at all.

Both Sun and Moon were able to wirelessly access most electronics like laptops and cell phones. When they had been at Fazbear, inhibitors had been in place to prevent them from tapping in electronics without specific authorizations. No such inhibitors existed in this place.

As such, once Sun had obtained Logan’s contact information, he was able to easily reach out to contact them. Systems connected easily enough. So long as he had done things correctly on his end, then the caller ID on Logan’s phone should display Ayala’s name.

The daytime attendant began to anxiously pace the room as he listened to the telltale chime of the phone ringing in his head.

The phone rang once.

Twice.

Three times.

Then - click.

[orlamount]

Other bands that inspire CHIG

First I wanted to touch upon some bands that we look up to, these bands in particular, I admire their songwriting and the emotional value their music brings as well as an intense atmosphere.

The Cure

The first band I would suggest has influenced us a lot is The Cure. Through their ability to amazingly song-write combined with their singer Robert Smith's distinct voice, their music creates a sorrowful atmosphere. I found an interesting article 'The Cure's "Disintegration" Is An Ode To Depression' which explains the feeling the cure can give a listener better.

Disintegration is the eighth studio album by English rock band the Cure, released on 2 May 1989

'Music is an avenue that really can understand you. Countless artists have gone through it and found the right words to explain their emotions, in hopes of both releasing their own feelings and giving comfort to those feeling similarly. The Cure is known as one of the band's who's sound is that of depression, and it's no mystery why. The Cure's Disintegration is an ode to depression, capturing its essence in more ways than one.'

"Hopeless optimism" is a theme that plays throughout the record. Final track 'Untitled' takes it out in such a way, Robert Smith singing about missed opportunities he wishes he would've taken, in regards to love and all else under the sun. 'The Same Deep Water As You' might be the most intensely depressed song on Disintegration, the nine-minute track progressing somberly, each chord calculated as if it took a million thoughts to process the action of making it. The slowness mirrors the lack of motivation you face when depressed, and the way it slowly fades out into nothing has it feeling like an end, as if the pressures placed on the song are swallowing it. Title track 'Disintegration' picks up after it, crying out and longing for a feeling of belonging. The loneliness resonates through you.

Disintegration isn't just a sad record - it's a sad record with some amazing music. The Cure didn't take any liberties here; they were at the mercy of their emotions."

These were the things I highlighted in the article, i felt they capture what the cure sound like and what they stand for.

- Music is an avenue that really can understand you

- at the mercy of their emotions.

- eleasing their own feelings and giving comfort to those feeling similarly.

- ode to depression, capturing its essence

- Hopeless optimism" theme

I felt really intrigued by the theme of 'hopeless optimism'.

"Hopeless optimism" is an attitude of optimism that persists even when there's little logical reason to be hopeful. This term acknowledges the optimism but also recognizes the apparent hopelessness of the situation.

This is a live performance of their song Disintegration from 4 years ago. It gives you a good impression of what they're like live, how they create an atmosphere and Robert Smith's voice soars through the melancholic guitar noise. I find the cure's music very moving.

Slowdive

The next band that i find really inspires me is Slowdive, they create shoegaze music, and they once again can create a massive soundscape and atmosphere with their sound.

Bands that have clear identities:

Fontaines DC

The Sex Pistols

[embermc]

"People improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?"

This is a quote from The Good Place (awesome show, by the way, check it out). It's a show largely about redemption, morality, and the nature of humanity. Very importantly, it's a show about how people aren't inherently evil at heart, and although they can hurt other people and that isn't okay, they can also be negatively affected by their circumstances, and a large part of what makes redemption and changing for the better work is "external love and support" from others.

I've alluded to this quote before in previous posts, but I think it really perfectly applies to c!Wilbur right now, in his current state.

c!Wilbur, as we've seen, has been stuck in a dark, cold Limbo for thirteen years. He has had barely any stimuli, nothing but a deck of cards for entertainment, a lot of lingering mental illnesses, and most importantly for the context of this post, barely anyone to be with. He mentioned c!Schlatt sleeping for a while, and we now have the knowledge that Schlatt was off being a realtor. Mexican Dream is there, but there's a good chance that it wasn't for long, since he was a relatively new death that was only added years in, and he wasn't around in Tommy and Wilbur's conversation. And then there's c!Tommy. c!Tommy was with Wilbur in Limbo for a brief period of time, a few months, before leaving again which, is good for c!Tommy and I'm glad he didn't have to spend more time there, but it meant c!Wilbur had to spend even more years in crippling loneliness and near total isolation.

When he died, c!Wilbur was already not in a good mental state. He was incredibly depressed, traumatized, paranoid, suicidal, and in general, very mentally ill. This lead to him lashing out and hurting others, and in general, being a very morally grey character that made a lot of mistakes. As confirmed by c!Tommy, this shaky mental state and these behaviors have not gotten better during c!Wilbur's time in Limbo. And, of course they didn't. Isolation and crippling loneliness have never been the solution to healing someone's mental state, and this is something that has been proven time and time again by the SMP. In fact, a recurring theme on the SMP is that companionship and the company of others, and having others to be around and be a positive influence on you, is the best way to heal and fix yourself. In turn, the themes of the SMP have also shown that isolation, whether it be self-imposed or forceful, are absolutely devastating for one's mental state and condition, often leading to them making a lot of errors that they wouldn't have otherwise made.

c!Wilbur is no different. (Explanation under cut).

Upon returning to life, c!Wilbur is in a state of clear desperation. He undoubtedly doesn't want a repeat of his bad mental state and his situation in Limbo, where he was isolated, and he's searching for a purpose, for things to do, a role to play (since he has always assigned his self-worth to a role). Above all, he clearly doesn't want to lose c!Tommy. This has been made apparent and true numerous times, as we see him be desperate for c!Tommy to stay with him and to protect c!Tommy, even when Tommy himself wasn't watching or listening in. c!Wilbur doesn't want to be alone. He also is desperately searching for a role, a position of power, a nation, a rivalry, a headquarters, anything he can hold onto in order to have a sense of self-worth or a purpose.

And yeah, in the process, c!Wilbur may not be the most morally pure. He was definitely trying to guilt-trip and use underhanded methods of persuasion with Tommy to get him to stay with him and choose him over c!Quackity. He was lashing out, yelling at others in heated, stressful moments. He was occasionally lying. A lot of his coping mechanisms for his trauma were unhealthy, both for himself and for others. But here's the thing...how could he possibly have any other coping mechanisms? After being in a state of isolation and loneliness for literal years, it makes complete and total sense for him to not be a perfect human being. It makes sense for him to not have the best coping mechanisms, to, in the process, hurt those around him (despite wanting to be a better person, and I honestly believe this). While c!Wilbur's mental issues are not the responsibility of anyone else, c!Wilbur has not even had the benefit to have somebody that's a positive influence around him to keep him company, to make him slowly realize that he doesn't need to keep using the same unhealthy coping mechanisms. He has been without any real love or support for so long.

c!Wilbur is terrified of losing c!Tommy, because he doesn't want to be alone again, and doesn't know what to do if he was alone. He doesn't know who he is, alone, without a role to fit himself into or somebody to protect who looks up to him. He doesn't want a repeat of Limbo, where he wallowed in self-hatred and mental agony by himself for years. So he's desperate to keep c!Tommy with him, so desperate that he's willing to use morally dubious tactics like guilt-tripping in order to ensure he doesn't end up by himself. It's not morally correct for him to do, and it's negative for c!Tommy's mental health, but it's not a super malicious action coming from some irredeemable evil person. c!Wilbur's genuinely scared, and having a traumatic response to fearing a potential situation where he could end up alone again, a response that ends up hurting others despite him most likely not meaning to.

And because he's been alone for so long, without any real support, any real companionship, any real love, he's latching onto coping mechanisms and behaviors that won't necessarily be good or healthy for anyone. He's doing bad things as a result of a bad mindset, and he hasn't had the opportunity to heal from this bad mindset because he can't do it alone. It's very hard to heal alone, and to fix an unhealthy mindset alone, which is again, a theme that's been shown to us time and time again. And again, c!Wilbur's mindset is nobody's responsibility, least of all c!Tommy, who is a kid with his own trauma and issues, but c!Wilbur has been alone so long that he hasn't even been able to benefit solely from at least having somebody with him to positively influence him.

This doesn't excuse harm or stress he caused to c!Tommy, and c!Tommy would be perfectly in the right to distance himself from c!Wilbur if he so chooses, but it does explain a lot of c!Wilbur's actions and show that he's not some irredeemable monster. He makes mistakes, yes, but he's been trapped in an unhealthy mindset, with unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms, for so long, without ever getting much external love or support to help him out of that dark place. It makes sense that he isn't going to change overnight, and it would be a long process where he would most likely make more mistakes out of fear, or trauma, or any other factor. But one can't act like he's evil, or irredeemable, because he's not. c!Wilbur is a scared, traumatized guy who desperately doesn't want to lose everything he believes he has left, and from that desperation, comes actions and behaviors that end up hurting those around him, as well as himself.

It's important to hold c!Wilbur accountable for his actions, yes, but, there's a good chance he can change when he gets external love and support, so we can't act like he's acting out of pure malice or evil when he hasn't, for so long.

[emotionallyits2009]

deancas fic rec list!

hello everyone! happy christmas to those who celebrate it, my gift to you is my fic rec list that i said i would make like a month ago. the only thing it is organized by is canonverse vs alternate universe. tried to cover a variety of subjects but there are in particular many fics of the genre “postcanon where cas is human and he and dean live together and slowly finally get their shit together” because i know what i’m about, son. HOPE U ENJOY. and if you wanna talk about any of them or rec me other fics please do. :) 

Canonverse:

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo, 30k, explicit “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.” There are many fics set in a post-canon universe where Cas is human and he and Dean live together and slowly fall into a relationship. Imo this one is the best of the best of that genre. This was one of the first fics I read back in July when I was getting Back Into Supernatural where I was like oh fuck I’m like in this. Dean builds Cas planters and bookshelves and a chicken coop and they fight and work through it.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits, 10k, explicit For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. Really Gets the dynamic of Cas doesn’t think Dean wants him to stay/Dean thinks Cas will leave the first chance he gets. Also a nice example of Cas thinking he’s not wanted if he’s not useful/powerful and being told otherwise. Another all-time fave!

lonely hearts by outphastthemoat, 4.5k, gen He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead. This one is for the CAS GIRLS who know what LONELINESS feels like.

Helionneiros by aeli_kindara, 24.2k, mature In which Dean visits his mother, and Claire takes Cas on a hunt. I’m always on the lookout for more fic with Claire and Jack. Jack doesn’t show up until the end here but the relationship between Cas and Claire is really nice.

Crawl by aeriallon, 11k, explicit It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him. Another fic where Cas is human but in this one he took some time for himself and got some distance from the Winchesters! He gets to be competent and weird as a human and we love that for him. I must warn you all that this fic contains one use of the phrase “making love” which would normally put me right off but it’s still worth reading. The first of a three-part series.

home where you hold me by microcomets, 1.6k, gen Cas and Dean, in the moments between their battles, ache for quiet spaces. Technically this is a coda to 10x20 but you don’t need the episode for context. Short and very sweet.

Build a Home by domesticadventures, 20.1k, teen After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t. This one is so cute it’s like what if once they were done saving the world Sam and Dean actually invited other hunters to move into the bunker with them. Obviously Dean wants that to include Cas but doesn’t know how to use his words.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo, 22.4k, explicit This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore. Angst fic! They go on a road trip and Dean is severely fucked up post-Mark of Cain.

Unknown Quantities by xylodemon, 8.6k, explicit No one ever tells Dean anything. Another nice getting-together fic.

Creature of Habit by trinityofone, 5.2k, teen The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well. This one is ancient by destiel standards (written during season 5) but it manages to nail the married couple vibes they give off in later seasons. Cas is a bitch and Dean likes him so much. <3

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by Tuesday, 11.2k, mature Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this. Another old one that is a lot of fun! They get Accidental Angel Married and if you don’t enjoy dumb fanfiction tropes like that I don’t know what to say to you.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi, 4k, teen In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything. The OTHER accidental angel marriage fic written in 2010. 

Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord, 24.8k, explicit A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there. At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history. Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe. Time travel is FUN. There’s an excellent part where (minor spoilers) future!Dean is like, “Guess what, asshole? You like me so much you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!” to 2008!Castiel that made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Also just a good reminder of how most problems in life are temporary and if you could go back in time to talk to your younger self you’d be like, “Hey man. Chill out. You get through it.”

The Path of Fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, mature After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years. There’s a lot of amnesia fic and djinn fic out there were Dean wakes up ~suddenly together with Cas~ but I like this one in particular because he’s initially very confused and kind of a dick about it until he acknowledges that being with Cas makes him happy.

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden, 95k, explicit Three months ago, when Dean decided to retire, he thought his life was going to end up differently. He'd thought that he might get to have it all, Sam, Cas, Jack, and nice little place to live. Instead he gets Sam and Jack off on their Summer of Love Tour, radio silence from Cas, and a never-ending road trip consisting of himself. Still reeling from the loss of his grace, Castiel travels the country in search of hunts. Driven by a need to prove his usefulness, he pushes himself beyond all limits of endurance. Together, with the help of a few friends, a crumbling Victorian house, and a stray cat, Dean and Castiel patch themselves back together and create a home together. Do you wanna read almost one hundred thousand words of Dean and Cas having extremely intense feelings but refusing to voice them aloud? Haha of course you do that’s why you’re here. There’s also a lot about Cas adjusting to being human and being depressed about it which might resonate if you’ve ever felt weird about having a body. To be honest the author could stand to use a few more commas but there were also half a dozen moments that made me put my phone down and drag my hand slowly over my face and whisper “oh my god” to myself which is like, the ultimate measure of a good fanfiction so it gets to be on the list.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers, 31.6k, explicit dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas. Have you seen the fanon (apparently pioneered by Mr. Jackles “Original Deankin” Ackles himself) that Dean used to prostitute himself to feed himself and Sam when they were younger? Are you interested in exploring that concept in fanfiction? Well, this is the only fic you need. Mind the tags on this one! It’s not what I’d call happy but it’s good.

Some Assembly Required by narrow_staircases, 47k, mature It’s September of 2005, and Dean Winchester, in an attempt to outrun old mistakes and painful memories, finds himself in southern Kentucky on a wild goose chase. He’s completely certain this weird religious movement he’s “investigating” is a hoax, despite the miraculous healings people report, and he’ll be back on the road in a day or two. Things are looking up when he meets Cas, an awkward (and gorgeous) graduate student who’s actually doing honest-to-god research into the local tent revival meetings. When that research takes a weird and personal turn, Dean’s left to face two very serious realities: one, this may be a real case after all, and two, he’s fallen way harder for Cas than he should ever have let himself. Stanford-era AU of Dean trying to avoid his father and getting in over his head on a case.

Alternate universe:

And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, 57k, mature Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The  professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. Mundane AUs in this fandom have to be really, really good to catch my attention and this one is! It’s exactly what it says in the summary and the characterization is spot-on. 

Out to Drift by deathbanjo, 20.9k, mature Dean drives a black car with a loud engine. He lies too easily. He keeps a gun in the back of his jeans, and Castiel isn’t sure, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean has killed someone before. Two people in fucked-up unstable situations meeting and forming a connection. Honestly guys I really just love deathbanjo.

[ephemereos]

MERRY CHRISTMAS KAWOSHIN NATION here's a Christmas fic. Kaworu is a little statue created to help people cope with loneliness and depression and comes alive thanks to Shinji. The two end up helping each other heal.

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Shinji wasn’t overly fond of Christmas. Growing up it had always been a difficult time, his family being hard to deal with, so he never had any particularly good memories about it. Now that he was in college, opting to not go back home for the holidays was his go-to plan. Still, the days leading up to Christmas would always be difficult, the cheerful music, decorations, and people rushing around to get gifts a constant reminder that, while everyone had something to look forward to, he was just going to be alone, his only company the negative memories of the holiday. Every year the pre-Christmas craze seemed to come months too early and last longer and longer.

“Hello dear, hunting for presents already?” The lady of the second-hand shop Shinji often visited greeted him, making the brunette look up and smile a little. It was a cold, mid-November afternoon, and despite being only around 5pm, it was already dark out. After lessons Shinji would often stop there, to hunt for any new used books he could get himself.

”No, no presents yet, just something for myself.” He replied meekly, heading towards the bookshelves, stopping in his tracks to look at a table with the new arrivals where a statue had caught his eye. It was around 50cm tall, the features of the angel represented were more delicate than any other sculpture Shinji had ever seen. His eyes were closed and a small, kind smile played on the statue’s lips. It looked so alive and human that it almost felt unsettling, but the sheer beauty of the angel was making Shinji unable to look away.

”You like it? We got it just a few days ago. I have to say I’m not the fondest of those kinds of things since they take up so much space, but that one’s beautiful. The person who left it even told me about a legend tied to it, now that I think about it…” The lady trailed off, patting her cat’s head, a friendly tabby who always hung out in the shop.

”What’s the legend about?” Shinji asked, without taking his eyes off of the statue, letting his fingers run gently and slowly on one of the wings, in awe like a little kid.

”Apparently a kind man had made a series of these statues for kids at an orphanage. The more love the statues received, the bigger they’d grow until they’d be as big as a person and come to life to help lonely children through their hard times. Once they’d have found their way into the world, the statues would be left behind. But that’s just a story, though I think it’s very sweet.”

”Yes, it is…”

Once Shinji finally managed to stop looking at the statue, he walked over to the book aisle. But not only was there nothing new or interesting for him, he just couldn’t focus, his mind traveling back to the statue. The idea of it being some sort of companion against loneliness had struck a chord in him.

“How much? For the angel, I mean…”

Once home he set the statue on his desk, sitting down to look at it. In a way, he did feel less lonely.

Without realizing it, he started talking to the statue when he’d go on about his day. Repeating chapters he was studying out loud to it. Playing the cello in front of it, singing to it. At some point, he even considered bringing it to the table where he ate but he stopped himself, calling himself childish for it. Before he realized it, during his lowest moments, he would cry to it. He’d cross his arms in front of it and cry, saying out loud everything that hurt him, how alone he felt, how much he wished for things to change. If at first, he felt less lonely thanks to the statue, now he’d find himself wishing it was real, that the gentle angel would help him. One night he cried hugging the statue until he eventually passed out from exhaustion, falling asleep at his desk.

He woke up the following morning, the sun coming into the room through the curtains. He woke up with his head laying on his crossed arms, his neck achy and stiff. As he sat up, he noticed the statue was gone. At first, he thought he left it somewhere else in the house, but then remembered he had fallen asleep hugging it. On top of that, he realized a blanket had been draped around his shoulders, and he was sure he had not gotten up to grab it. His confusion only grew once he smelled eggs being cooked in the kitchen. Was he still asleep? He tried pinching himself, but nothing changed. Warily, he stood up and slowly walked to the kitchen.

A guy about his age was standing in front of the stove, his hair greyish-white, shiny, and soft looking. All he was wearing was a white tunic, the soft fabric swaying gently with each movement. As if he sensed Shinji looking at him, the mysterious person turned around and his face lit up when he saw the brunette.

“I’m glad you’re finally awake! You must be starving, come sit down, I’m making you breakfast.”

Shinji immediately recognized the other person as his statue: he was the angel he had grown attached to despite it being just a stupid object. That couldn’t be right, it was probably an elaborate joke, wasn’t it? Maybe he really was still sleeping? Or did he go crazy and try drugs to cope with his issues?

“I know there must be…a lot you don’t understand, but I’ll explain it to you soon. Just sit down, okay? We’ll do it one step at a time.”

When Shinji finally sat down, the now-human statue set a plate of scrambled eggs and toasted bread in front of him, beginning to explain what had happened. The whole story the lady had told Shinji actually seemed to be accurate and exactly what had happened. The statue said his name was Kaworu. Shinji still felt like he was dreaming. How could something like that just…happen?

”I’m sorry but…I struggle to understand how this can be possible. And now just what’s going to happen? What do I have to do?”

Kaworu laughed quietly, understanding the boy’s confusion.

“Nothing much, I’m just here to help you and ease your pain. You’re extremely lonely, you need someone to ease that loneliness, don’t you think? I won’t take up too much space in your life.”

Shinji was still unsure, but the thought of having a friend, someone he could rely on when hitting rock bottom, company. He hadn’t had that in so long that the thought was both scary and exciting.

It was weird adjusting to the new person in the house, but Kaworu was calm and quiet, which helped Shinji feel more at ease. He would let him study, do his own things, and just hang out in the same room doing his own thing, most of the time reading or looking out of the window. His presence alone felt healing, not pushed and overwhelming. talking about their lives, Shinji found out Kaworu had been passed around various people, never reaching his “final form” because they didn’t really need his help. It made Shinji sad in a way, the thought of the beautiful angel being tossed around like nothing because he had ended in the wrong hands. Oddly enough, Shinji opened up about his own issues. It was weird, being honest with his feelings out loud, admitting what had happened. He never talked about it with anyone, he always pushed it deep down, but with Kaworu it all came flowing out strong, hard like a geyser exploding. It was all so much that Shinji ended up sobbing into Kaworu’s arms, who rocked him gently and stroked his back until he eventually calmed down, falling asleep with his head on the albino’s shoulder from the exhaustion of his emotions.

He woke up a few hours later, bundled up in bed, tucked in like a small kid while the smell of stir-fried rice for dinner reached his nose. He was torn between getting up and following the delicious scent or staying in the cozy, warm cocoon he had woken up in. It felt so good he never wanted to leave it, especially knowing Kaworu had put him there. The thought made him smile, curling up tighter into the blanket and pressing his face to the soft pillow.

The more time they spent together, the more Kaworu started showing his own personality and tastes. When it came to music, he preferred instrumentals, favoring classical music or calmer tunes in general, which he would hum through the day when doing his things. He had absolutely no understanding of fashion and didn't seem to care much about what looked good together or not, what he did care about was for the clothes to be comfortable and soft. It seemed to be the only thing he'd look for when picking them out. He liked spicy food, he could handle it a lot better than Shinji actually, so the brunette always had to make sure the other wouldn't add any spices while cooking food for the both of them and that he'd only add them to his own plate.

Kaworu also shared Shinji's love for fantasy movies and books and also seemed to like romantic comedies. One day the two of them decided to binge all of the Lord of the Rings movies in one sitting and Kaworu seemed extremely into them. It was the first time either of them had done something like that and for Shinji, it became an important and dear memory.

"You know, Shinji, I'm really grateful it was you who found me." The two were watching tv after dinner, it was a mid-December night and the rain was pouring outside, the tapping of the water on the windows. Shinji turned to look at Kaworu, a bit puzzled, the other boy not looking at him but keeping his eyes fixed on the tv with a small smile. "Ever since I was created I hoped I could become a real person. I wanted to help others find their way and be happy, but I also wanted to be a man so bad...coming to life like this wouldn't have been enough. But you're teaching me so many things, you're giving me the chance to become my own person. I'm really grateful for that." Shinji was touched and taken back by Kaworu's words, especially since he never realized how much difference he could make for the other. Shinji slowly reached his hand out on the couch, placing it on top of Kaworu's resting there. The albino grabbed it after a while and gently squeezed it. They didn't need to speak any further.

Kaworu had also managed to make Shinji like Christmas, or at least grow excited about it and want to celebrate it. One day after lessons he warned Kaworu he was going to be home later and went hunting for a gift. After a lot of thinking, he settled on a sweater, since Kaworu didn't have many clothes of his own. He touched and felt every sweater in about three or four stores, wanting the one he knew would be soft just like the other liked it. After almost two hours, he finally picked one out: it was dark blue with black stripes, large and baggy, and the wool it was made with was extremely soft to the touch. He knew Kaworu would love it. After getting it wrapped up he rushed home to find Kaworu setting up a Christmas tree. He did not have a Christmas tree in his house, he had never bought one.

"Where did you get that?" Kaworu fidgeted a bit, a nervous smile on his lips. "Remember when I said I wanted to get you a Christmas gift?" "Yes, I do." "And you gave me the money and said you didn't want me to exaggerate or worry too much?" "Yes." "I thought a little tree would be nice and maybe make Christmas feel better for you...So I went to the antique shop and found one and even managed to buy ornaments with the money. And I have the change! Ah, also, please don't think you'll be Christmas gift-less. I am taking care of that too." Shinji didn't expect any of that. Kaworu looked like a little kid who made a mess and expected to be scolded and yelled at any second. He wasn't upset at all, after all, he wasn't even expecting a gift from Kaworu, he was happy as it was, but he hadn't expected the tree at all. It had been years since he had set up one. Shinji smiled a little, shaking his head. "You don't need to worry, I'm not upset. I actually really appreciate it. Come on, we can set it up together."

On Christmas day, Kaworu was the first one to wake up, shaking Shinji awake, excited like a little kid. It took a while for the brunette to wake up properly, grumpily sitting up with his eyes squeezed shut because the light hurt him too much. He slowly made his way to the living room, where Kaworu was sitting on the couch with a happy smile, holding a little box. Shinji sat down next to him, grabbing Kaworu's gift and handing it to him first, curious to see his reaction. "So I have to go first? Alright." As Shinji hoped, he was overjoyed with the gift, excitedly trying it on and thanking Shinji multiple times. "It's your turn now." Shinji suddenly felt nervous. He looked at the box, waiting a few seconds before moving to try and slowly open it. Inside was a drawing: it was him and Kaworu dancing, something that had happened a few weeks before. Shinji had been feeling down, Kaworu had put on some music and got him to dance with him, playing around until Shinji was laughing and smiling again. It was something Shinji had cherished and having something drawn by Kaworu to remember it was incredibly special. He wanted to thank the other, but the lump in his throat stopped him from doing it. He felt Kaworu's hand reach his own and squeezed it, leaning his face into his shoulder as he felt Kaworu's chin rest on his head. "Merry Christmas Shinji, I hope we can spend many more together." "We will."

[wildshona]

Being a Sex Addict

Ok so a very nice man from New Zealand was asking what it felt like to be a sex addict and other people have really enjoyed taking advantage of it so here is a bit of a Shona style informational.

How do you become a sex addict?

Well there are some differences between men and women and for some it is about poor coping strategies but really it is about power and a need to overcome past trauma caused by sexual or physical abuse or loneliness caused by emotional neglect. well if u have been following my longer blogs rather than just looking at the pictures u must have picked up that i spent years being sexually abused as did my sister although she has not become a sex addict cos our circumstances were different not least she gort emotional support and i got emotional abuse as well as being fucked all the time.

What are the signs?

obsessive sexual thought - u gotta believe it unless i'm doing something that occupies my mind and activity then i will be thinking about sex, chatting and fantasising on tumblr or whatever.

excessive time spent on sexual activity - yeah i tick this box, excessive masturbation you bet and i dont wear knickers around the flat and even when i go out so that i can get at myself, watching lots of porn - not particularly but sometimes, excessive search for sexual encounters - well uve been reading my blog and u know the electrician is just one of many and ive just finished sucking off my husband before writing this to send him on his way to a meeting happy

feeling shame or depression - yeah well i dont talk about that too much but when you spent years being told ur a worthless whore only good as a cum receptacle it gets to ur mental health just a bit.

cheating on partners - fortunately dont need to cos Chris likes me fucking what he tries to do is keep it safe - not a lot of luck there but he does his best

engaging in increasingly risky and inappropriate behaviours - honestly if u go to a club and then go back to a flat with three strange men a s i did a couple of weeks ago that can turn really bad. it dodnt for me that time i just got all my holes occupied til i was dripping fluid from everywhere but i have been raped enough that i should know better but thats an addiction for you.

committing criminal sex offences - i suppose fucking in club toilets and alleyways covers that and lets not forget i met chris cos i offered him a blow job for a tenner

you can't stop regardless of negative consequences - yeah i can't stop and ive cum three times this morning already.

Can you be cured? Apparently recovery takes two to five years as long as you have consistent therapy. i think im on the five year journey and sometimes im not even sure i want to recover cos i fucking love fucking. but i know it is dangerous and i know i could end up dead in a ditch or selling myself so...

so now u know.

What does it feel like - an overpowering need to be a body that is used. even though it sometimes feeds the worse behaviours of the men and women who use as i experience with a lot of men on here

.

[sanders-sides-fic]

A hole of your shape in my heart

So… My brain went to war with me today. So I wrote some Anxceit-centred angst to cope. Consider yourself warned, this will hurt. I do hope you'll enjoy it regardless, though.

Trigger warnings: implied depression, mentions of panic attacks, self harm, fainting, memory loss

If I forgot a trigger or there is something you would like to be added to that list, please go ahead and tell me. You can do so anonymously as well.

It wasn't that bad at the beginning. A bit of a cold shiver, running down his spine. Ice that seemed to settle in his lounges. A dull ache. Nothing serious, really. He knew that it wasn't good to ignore it, he knew that from the start. And yet he couldn't help it.

They were happy. That was all that mattered to him then. Remus and Janus were happy. That was more important than a bit uncomfortableness. He was used to having panic attacks, mental breakdowns and the sudden urge to cry anyways. This didn't make such a big difference.

Except that it did.

You see, Remus was born without a soulmate. He just didn't have one. Janus, on the other hand, had an accident when he was younger. There was a nasty scar on the left side of his face, which he had covered up with a tattoo of a snake later. Ever since that accident, he'd been soul-blind. Colourblind for soulmates. He did have a soulmate, he just couldn't feel the bond anymore. Oh, it was still there, alright. He could feel that much. But he just couldn't tell anything beyond that. So he'd given up on finding that soulmate.

That's how Remus and Janus had gotten together in the first place. And that was wonderful. It was great. They made such a nice pair. They were happy and in love and sweet and… And it had come as a blow to the face to Virgil.

The three of them had been friends for years. When they'd become teens, Virgil had finally realised what the bond had been telling him all the time. The pretty sparkles around Janus, the glitter in the air that portrayed his emotion in colours, the warmth around his heart that reminded him of Janus. Janus could only feel that warmth. He wondered what it felt like to him. What he felt like to him. Because Janus was Virgil's soulmate.

Virgil had been a bit happy and a bit sad about that. Happy because he liked Janus and he knew him and that was fine. Sad because Janus couldn't tell that they were soulmates.

And that was why he kept telling himself that he'd tell Janus. For sure. But somehow he always ducked out the last moment. Something always happened. Just little things, but things that were bad enough to make him retreat into his shell.

He should have known. When Janus said he would give up on searching for a soulmate he couldn't even tell apart from the rest of the world, he should have known. And yet he hadn't expected Janus to start dating people. Janus was his soulmate, his. He didn't even consider the possibility that he might see other people. How very stupid of him.

He had almost told Janus that day. They were eighteen then, and he had bought a yellow nasturtium, Janus's favorite flower. It was inside a black pot that he'd made himself. He'd always liked to do pottery, it calmed him down. This was the best one he made so far, he thought.

He also wrote down what he wanted to say. How much Janus meant to him, how badly he wanted to be with him, that they were soulmates, that he didn't even mind that Janus couldn't tell and that he was sorry he hadn't said anything before. That it was okay if Janus needed time because this was so sudden, but that he hoped he'd give Virgil a chance anyways. Virgil had used his favorite paper. It was a bit fancy, but not over the top. And it smelled like Lavender, which always calmed him down. He'd wasted quite a bit of this paper because he kept starting over, but that was worth it. Janus was worth it.

But Janus had already told him that he wasn't waiting for his soulmate anymore. And when Janus arrived at his apartment that day, it was with his hand in Remus's.

"He asked me out earlier. I can't believe I said yes, the way he did it was terrible, really." But Janus had smiled, and Remus had laughed, and Virgil had been late.

He knew Remus wasn't to blame, and neither was Janus. They were happy right now. Remus hadn't been happy or confident when it came to the topic of love in forever. Janus had suffered because he'd always been so, so scared of his soulmate rejecting him for not being able to tell. And now they were happy and it was without him.

It hurt. A lot. But he didn't want to ruin their happiness. It was only his fault. He was to blame, for hesitating. For not wanting to ruin their friendship. For being selfish.

So he secretly took the letter and hid it in the bottom of his desk drawer. And he wished them the best.

After that, they started to drift away. Remus and Janus had a lot of date nights. And Virgil drifted away from them because he couldn't stand seeing them. It hurt too much, was all. Whenever Janus would smile at him, whenever Janus laughed, whenever Remus sighed and told him about a cute thing Janus had done, whenever they shared a milkshake, whenever they were so there, so with each other.

Whenever Janus insisted Virgil come as well, saying he missed him. Because Virgil knew, he knew that was because Janus could still feel the soulmate bond. But Janus didn't know, and Janus didn't see him that way, and that was just cruel. Why did fate do this to him? Why did it hate him so much?

After a while, when Virgil couldn't take it anymore, he begun to initiate fights. Janus was too much of a liar, he was too anxious to trust him. Remus was creepy and gross, he couldn't understand why he would say something like that. In the end, he became more and more of an asshole to the two of them. Their days were either spent apart or fighting, and Virgil would cry himself to sleep, pain and cold emptiness gnawing away at his soul.

After a while, he had pushed them so far away that he barely saw them at all anymore. And by then he was so used to it that he could just pretend everything was fine during the day. Sure, he couldn't bare to take off his hoody even in scalding hot summer. Sure, his panic attacks got worse and more frequent. Sure, he had started to wear black eyeshadow purely to hide the bags under his eyes. Sure, he woke up to dried tears on his face every single day. But it was fine. He was fine. He could take this, if it meant that the two most important people in his life were happy.

Patton, the soulmate of Remus's brother, had somehow ended up noticing how he was alone all the time now. And he'd adopted him into their friend group.

Roman and Remus were on bad terms with each other, so he barely knew them. It was kind of a fresh start, even if it was a rocky one. Remy and Roman were the least accepting of him. Roman because "A, he is the type of person Remus would hang out with. And, B, he hurt Remus with his sudden bullshit. Believe me, if you knew the things I learned through my brother…" and Remy just because he didn't want to breath the same air as him. Apparently.

Remy didn't hang out with the group if Virgil was with them. They meet up without him, which was a solution everyone was fine with. Besides, Remy had always liked to suddenly disappear and appear according to his mood. At least that was what his soulmate, Logan, said.

Roman, on the other hand, couldn't stay away that much. After all it was Patton who stuck to Virgil like friendly glue made out of puns, and Patton was Roman's soulmate. Both of them were extremely clingy too, apparently. So the two of them exchanged sarcastic comments and rude nicknames, but they didn't outright hate each other. At least Virgil didn't hate Roman.

Logan was nice to talk to. Almost as good at debates as Janus. They didn't have debates about philosophy, though. Those were reserved for Janus, and it felt like betraying him to have such a debate with someone else. They soon got to a point where hanging out was almost enjoyable, where they kind of liked each other.

And then, suddenly, it got a lot worse. A lot worse. So bad, Virgil couldn't get up in the morning. He couldn't eat anything, couldn't stop crying, could barely breath. About four panic attacks and one night of terrible, terrible loneliness later, Roman, Logan and Patton showed up at his door.

He couldn't help himself. He was so lonely, and he felt so worthless, and Patton was the only one who really wanted him around anyways. So he shrugged their concerns off, taking a sip from his hot coffee - the only acceptable hot beverage in August - and saying: "Well, I just… assumed you didn't want me around. I mean, you don't like me much anyways, so."

Patton had gasped in offence and horror, and Virgil couldn't help but smile at that, though the hole in his chest was still too much to bare and he couldn't look at them. "Yeah, yeah. Except you, Pat."

He'd been wrong. Logan drew up an entire chart to prove how much he contributed to their friend group and how much he provided. Even Roman told him that he was wanted, needed even. It was nice and wholesome, and to his surprise, it made him feel so much better. For just a moment, the hole inside his chest wasn't as icy and cold.

They ended up watching Disney that evening, with a bowl of popcorn and too much comments to actually concentrate on the movie. Later at night, Virgil even confessed that he knew his soulmate. A sore subject he didn't want to touch normally. They asked him why he was single, of course, whether it didn't work out between the two of them, whether that was even possible. And Virgil had shrugged. "I wouldn't know. We never tried, he already has someone." Then he'd chuckled. "I guess that was why I was such an asshole to Re and Jan when they got together, too. Kinda made me feel jealous and… lonely. Don't tell them, though. They don't even know that I already met my soulmate."

Janus would have been proud of him, for how well he had managed to lie to his new friends. Well, not lie directly. But a lie of omission, right?

There were many days like this after that. Days where everything got too much. His new friends understood that he sometimes had bad days. Patton would sent him videos of cute dogs and cats when he let them know he was out of order for that day. Roman would send him memes and Logan would tell him fun facts. It was precious of them, and it made Virgil feel a lot less lonely. The cold was still there, layered around the soulmate bond, the hole was just as gaping as always, but he didn't feel as lonely. And that was good enough.

Other days he could almost pretend that things were fine. He would be around his new friends for as long as his little, introverted heart allowed him. Then he'd listen to music, get stuff done, worry about dead lines and the world instead of Remus, or Janus and his absence in Virgil's life. Sometimes he would read, too. Or do pottery. He didn't do pots anymore though. Or flowers. Just art or tableware.

He didn't even mean to do it the first time. Really, it was an accident. He was just tired, and he did the dishes and then he accidentally cut himself with a knife. But as the blood trickled down his finger, the pain outside kind of overwhelmed the pain inside. So he sat down and watched his finger bleed. Because his hand was wet, it looked like more blood than it actually was.

He thought about that moment often after that, whenever the pain got too much to bare and he could barely hang on. And he did try to fight it, really, he did. But in the end, it was too tempting. Just a few cuts at a time, at first. Somewhere where no one would notice. With the hoody, that wasn't even that hard, actually. He always put on gauze, too, to make sure it didn't get infected.

It got a bit more when he heard from Roman that Janus and Remus had broken up. Apparently Janus felt weird dating Remus. They suspected that it was because Remus wasn't his soulmate - because Janus was Virgil's, his, he was supposed to date him and he wanted to yell it at Janus already, telling him the truth, finally holding him and kissing him and filling this Janus's formed hole in his heart - and Remus fully understood it. Things were a bit awkward between the two of them, but they would keep being friends.

And it got even more worse when Patton was Patton and decided to use this opportunity to get Virgil to make up with the two of them. It was nice of him, but the thing was that Janus was still Virgil's soulmate and didn't know about it.

He and Janus didn't get along too well. He made up with Remus way faster. And Roman didn't like Janus too much either, but once again Patton insisted on adopting the man into their friend group and Roman was too clingy to avoid him. But Janus made it, in the end. Of course Janus made it. He was dazzling and charismatic like that.

Only Virgil couldn't help keeping his defences up. If he let them down, he would tell him the truth. And he couldn't do that, not now, not until he made everything okay again. But he couldn't do that, not without letting his defences down and that just killed him on the inside.

And then he had a bad day. But he wanted to see Janus, so he got up and met up with the others. It helped. Seeing Janus there helped. Hearing him and Patton talking about Kant, watching him smile at Logan and joke around with both Remus and Roman… It helped. And yet it made him so much more aware of what he was missing.

Remus and Roman drove home together. Logan was supposed to meet Remy, so he had excused himself earlier. Patton worked in the café they'd been in, and his shift started after their meeting. So that left Virgil and Janus to walk out together.

Janus smelled like coconut, and his lips were a little chapped. Early winter, he always got chapped lips this time of year. The light made his skin glow, and from this angle with the way the light hit them his left eye looked a lot more golden than brown, unlike the right one.

It hurt. He wanted to grab Janus's hand, he wanted to kiss those lips, he wanted to hug him and never let him go, he wanted to grab him and hold him close until the smell of coconut would transfer to himself as well. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted so bad.

But how was he supposed to do any of it? How was he supposed to tell him?

In the end, he decided to just get it over with. Like a bandaid, just ripping it off. Straight out with it. But just when he was about to, had already taken a breath and opened his mouth…

"I missed you." Janus's melodic voice sounded way too sad. Virgil didn't like it. "Why did you just leave us behind, Virge? I missed you, but… You were acting so strange. You still are. Are you mad because I never texted you?"

He didn't say anything. Couldn't, even though he wanted to.

"If that's it, then I'm sorry. But, Virge, I… I did miss you. And you acting so cold to me really sucks. You're getting along fine with Remus now, so why not me?" He stopped and looked Virgil in the eyes, looking like he was searching for something. What, Virgil didn't know. But he didn't find it, judging by the way he averted his eyes. And that hurt, too. Everything hurt. He just wanted to go now. "I thought we were friends."

"No. I don't think we ever were supposed to be friends." Virgil took a deep breath. Now. He had to tell him now. Bandaid, remember? Just tell him. Virgil opened his mouth, looking at Janus.

Right. Just out with it. "The truth is we're soulmates. I'm sorry I never told you, I was scared. But I love you, Janus." Right. That was all he had to say. Just three sentences. Go on, do it. Please, just get them out already. It's been years now. You've known since you were sixteen, you've known for four years now. He deserves to know, too.

In the end, he shook his head. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I…" couldn't say it again. He ignored the tears gathering in his eyes as he turned away from Janus's hurt look. "I'm not feeling that good."

And he ran. He ran away, like he always did. God, he was such a coward. And for what?

At home, he pulled out the letter from last year. Then, he screamed. He couldn't take it anymore, he just screamed and sobbed. And he knew that it wasn't fair, that he'd done this to himself, but he was in so much pain. He just couldn't take it.

But he'd done this to himself. By hesitating, by not giving the letter, by ruining what little relationship he had with his soulmate, by pushing him away, by lying, by not saying what he wanted to. And what for? A fleeting happiness, a failed relationship, a churning ball of fear in his stomach?

Virgil didn't mean for it to get that bad. He meant to stop earlier. He didn't mean for the wounds to be that deep either. But they did, and he didn't, and he only really realised when he got dizzy at standing up. Oh. Oh, that was a lot of blood. And he was still bleeding. Damnit, he needed help. But who would…? Who could…

He grabbed his phone and called the first number in his contacts. It was Remus's voice that picked up after the second ring. "Hey, Rem. It's me." He winced at how weak his voice sounded. "I, uh… I did something stupid. And I know I've been an asshole, but I really, really need your help."

"Janus said you didn't feel so good." Remus sounded genuinely worried. And was that Janus's voice in the background? It was, wasn't it? Tears sprung to his eyes again.

"Yeah. Hey, tell him I'm sorry for me? I wanted to say something, but I didn't again, and… yeah." He couldn't understand the response he got. Blinking, he tried to stay awake. Falling asleep was bad, right? Oh, right. Remus. "Listen, Remus, I… Did something stupid. There's a lot of blood. I think I need to go to the hospital."

"Blood? The hospital? Virgil what did you do?!"

He flinched at the panicked voice. That didn't suit Remus at all. Wait, wasn't that Janus? Had Remus put him on speaker? Well, it didn't matter, really. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." He said instead. And then: "I'm scared."

"Okay. Okay, shit. We're almost there. It's alright, we're almost- Take a left, Re, that's faster. We're almost there, okay Virge?"

"Okay." He hesitated, lump in his throat. He thought he could feel tears running down his face, but he was a bit too out of it to be sure. "Thank you."

They kept their word. He could hear Janus's shocked cry and Remus's cussing before the darkness took over.

❖

When he woke up, he was in a white room. Around him, he could see a bunch of people. One with dirty blonde hair and freckles, holding hands with a brunette with glasses. Next to them sat a man with similar glasses and black hair. On the other side was a man much like the first, but with one strand dyed silver and the rest chestnut brown. And another man, who stole the breath right out of his lunges.

Long, golden hair, tied up to a bun, pale skin, warm eyes somewhere between gold and brown, and a snake tattoo on his left cheek. He wore black, with yellow and gold accessories, and he was absolutely stunning. Around him there were weird fireworks, almost like glitter. Did the others see that, too? It was blue, and something inside him told him that that was worry. The same part clenched around his heart, demanding to make the worry go away.

But… "Who are you?"

They all gasped, looking at him. "Virgil?! Oh my god, you're awake." That was the voice of the man with the dyed hair. What was his name? He couldn't quite remember.

"I don't… Who are you? Where am I? Do I know you? I think I know you, but…" He trailed off, regretting having said anything when hurt crossed the stunning man's face. "Sorry."

"Oh, no, you don't… I'm sorry. I should've noticed you were hurting." He sighed, putting on an obviously fake smile as he grabbed his - Virgil's? His name was Virgil, had the man said, right? - hand. "We are your friends, Virgil. That's Logan, Patton, Roman, and Remus. And I am Janus." Janus. Yeah, Virgil though, that fit him. But somehow, Janus looked like he was steeling himself for something. He took a deep breath, smiling more, tears in those wonderful eyes. "I'm you soulmate."

"My soulmate?"

Janus nodded, clutching a purple piece of paper in his hand. "Yes. It's a bit complicated, but, I am. We're soulmates."

Virgil nodded, looking around. There were a lot of people around him. And they all looked so happy to see him awake. His friends and his soulmate, huh? Virgil looked back to Janus. "There's a lot of people here."

"Do you want us to go, kiddo?" That was Patton who'd said that, right? He sounded sad at the idea, and Virgil didn't like it much either. So he shook his head.

"No. I was just thinking, there's a lot of people caring about me."

He got a few sad smiles in return. "Of course, Virge. We all love you very much. And don't you dare to forget that again, you hear?" Janus clenched Virgil's hand in his and put it to his forehead, almost desperately. "Don't you ever dare forget that I love you. You idiot."

General taglist🖤: @gattonero17 @alias290

[theggning]

Codsworth Is So Underrated, You Guys

ALTERNATE TITLE: Codsworth and the Totally Understated Mindbending Evolution of Artificial Consciousness

I find Codsworth is often the most underrated of the 16 companions in Fallout 4. Your faithful robot butler is among the very first you can recruit and an excellent early-game ally, but he has a few disadvantages in gameplay that mean he’s often sent back to Sanctuary before long. Codsworth is a mid-to-close range fighter only, cannot wear armor or be equipped with weapons. He cannot be healed by stimpak, which makes him a liability if you’re playing on Survival mode. He has no companion quest of his own, so unless you particularly enjoy him there’s not a compelling reason to keep him for a long time. He also becomes recruitable exactly 2 minutes after adorable puppy Best Boy Dogmeat, so he is often (understandably) replaced just as soon as he’s made available.

But there is this great, completely understated facet to Codsworth, so understated that the game does not draw attention to it in any way. And yet, it is a wonderful reflection of many of the themes of Fallout 4 and, I believe, a pretty strong indication of its thesis statement.

Now what in the hell am I talking about?

Like many sci-fi/fantasy universes, the Fallout series is home to many highly-advanced robots. Robots were commonplace before the Great War, and many have survived the bombs intact and in working order. Others have been built or modified by wastelanders to serve various tasks (Percy, Ada.) The most important thing to understand about robots, though, is though they may have vivid personalities programmed in, they are widely accepted to be objects. They are thought of the same way as an appliance, a machine built for a specific purpose and programmed to follow a strict set of protocols.

Many jokes revolve around the relatively rigid intelligence of robots. Pre-War, many were deployed in inappropriate jobs or designed haphazardly (Mister Handies acting as nurses in a hospital, “paramedic” Protectrons with massive deadly tasers for hands, military robots constantly going haywire and erupting in friendly fire.) Others continue to man businesses and play out daily tasks as they were programmed to do over 200 years ago. Most robots are incapable of understanding anything beyond their initial programming, and most pre-War robots are completely unaware that the Great War ever happened.

When the Sole Survivor reunites with Codsworth at the ruins of their home, it seems like he, too, doesn’t understand what’s going on. He talks about tending the (dead) garden, references the (ghoulified) neighbors, and generally acts like the chipper robot butler Sole left behind on their way to Vault 111.

But there is something slightly… off in Codsworth’s dialogue here. Though he acts like the war never happened, he also specifically mentions details that suggest it did:

Player Default: Codsworth! You're still... fully operational?          

Codsworth: {Defiant} Well of course, mum. You can thank the fine engineers at General Atomics for that! At least, you could have. Had they not been... vaporized.

A bit over 210 actually, mum. Give or take a little for the Earth's rotation and some minor dings to the ole' chronometer. That means you're two centuries late for dinner! Ha ha ha. Perhaps I can whip you up a snack? You must be famished.

You've no idea the desperation for human contact one develops over 200 years. {Upset, recalling bad memories of encountering raiders and scavengers. / Disgust} And when you do encounter them? Oh the cruelty! You're either... target practice or... spare parts!

Even stranger, Codsworth mentions details that are plainly made-up (or some kind of delusion):

Codsworth: It's been ages since we've had a proper family activity. Checkers. Or perhaps charades. Shaun does so love that game. Is the lad... with you...?   

Player Default: Codsworth... listen to me carefully... have you seen him? Have you seen Shaun?              

Codsworth: Why, sir had him last, remember? Perhaps he's gone to the Parker residence to arrange a play-date?

(Shaun is an infant. He is too young to play charades or to go to the neighbors for a play-date.)

So at once, Codsworth does and does not acknowledge the war. He does and does not seem to understand what’s happened, and he does and does not seem to follow Sole’s urgency regarding their spouse’s death and Shaun’s kidnapping.

And then, after a speech check, Codsworth finally snaps and breaks down sobbing in despair. Not only does he understand that the war happened, he has developed the ability to get depressed about it. Longing for human contact and with nothing else to do, he’s even developed coping mechanisms to help him try to deal with his loneliness and despair—futilely trying to do his chores and deluding himself into pretending everything is completely normal.

Wait a minute. Sobbing? Despair? Depression? Coping mechanisms and delusions? This Is all pretty sophisticated stuff to be programmed into a robot, and if you spend more time with Codsworth, the reality of what’s happened to him becomes apparent:

Codsworth has evolved beyond his programming. In his 210 lonely years of existence, he has developed emotional reactions and self-awareness far beyond that of most other robots, and, indeed, has basically evolved an artificial consciousness.

“Emergent intelligence” is the theoretical ability of an AI to eventually develop something resembling human thought processes, and it seems that our dear Codsworth has undergone this. Traveling with him, he displays many sophisticated thoughts and behaviors far beyond what most robots are shown to be capable of. He has memories of pre-War time and places, and understands how various locations have changed. He is capable of learning new information and forming opinions on it, gaining his own understanding of the people and factions in the Commonwealth. He can feel happiness, sorrow, fear, disgust. He can anticipate things, predict danger and imagine how people might respond to your actions. The mere he fact he has opinions and a moral code that he applies to you shows he has free will, something even other robot companions don’t (Ada has a personality, but absolutely does not care about your actions.)

He’s also smart enough to make many wry observational jokes, and to lay one hell of a sick burn on you:

{Joking - Found an old bowling alley. / Amused} Fancy a game, mum? Something tells me the bumpers are no longer available.

 Codsworth’s intelligence is even more sophisticated than that. He displays stunning self-awareness, frequently referencing the fact he is a robot and what that means. He is very proud of his background as General Atomics’ finest, and seems pleased with his robot nature and his lot in life. (Unlike Curie, I don’t think Codsworth would ever really want to gain a synth body. He seems quite happy as he is.)

Here he is making reference to still feeling the tug of his programming:

{Seeing an office with chairs arranged in a circle. / Neutral} I've the most incredible urge to rearrange those chairs in a more perfect circle.

Understanding when other robots are restricted by theirs:

A pity. It appears Deezer's programming is too severe to allow for normal conversation. Ah well.

And when they’re actually not:

Codsworth: Greetings, sir. Good to see another robot in town. That chef hat becomes you.

Takahashi: Nan-ni shimasho-ka?

Codsworth: Takahashi you say? I'm Codsworth, a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Takahashi: Nan-ni shimasho-ka?              

Codsworth: Is that so? Well, we both know RobCo is no General Atomics. It's not surprising it failed, shoddy work and all.  {Friendly - trying to cheer up another robot. / Friendly} Chin up, though. Never know when parts may turn up.

 And here’s Galaxy Brain Codsworth ruminating on his own state of being and contemplating his nature:

{Disappointed that he can't be 100% human sometimes. / Sad} It's unfortunate that I lack the proper design to consume liquids. Something about camaraderie over a few drinks is very inviting.            

I suppose if I had the hardware, I'd have the software as well. I'd hate to see how that'd affect my honesty and manner settings.

{Reconsidering what he thought was a good idea. / Thinking} Indeed. Perhaps I should rethink my initial desire.

Hilariously, Codsworth does not seem fully aware of how remarkable his intelligence is. He occasionally says things like “if I had feelings” and “if I could feel things,” indicating that in some ways he still believes he is only a robot and defines himself by what a robot is and does.

But as we can see, our humble robot butler has essentially evolved to become the smartest, most emotionally intelligent and person-like robot in the Commonwealth*, and potentially in the series.

([SIDE NOTE: Other FO4 robots nearing Codsworth’s level of consciousness and developed personality include Captain Ironsides, KLE-O, Whitechapel Charlie, and perhaps Takahashi. Curie is close, but also receives the unfair advantage of being uploaded into a synth body with a human brain. Jezebel also functions off of a human brain. Nick is not a robot, he’s a synth (though he does jokingly refer to himself as one) and also has the advantage of a human brain encoded on his processor.])

Also hilariously, the game basically does not acknowledge Codsworth’s impressive evolution. At all. There is absolutely no direct mention of it in the script. It is all left to ambient dialogue and the player’s own observations. And because so many people overlook Codsworth as a companion, they may not even realize exactly how unique his expanded consciousness is.

Now, you might call this total lack of mention a mistake, an oversight on Bethesda’s part, or that old chestnut “bad writing.” I don’t think it is. I think it’s a deliciously subtle little detail to include in a story about humanity, machines, artificial intelligence, and what makes a person.

Many of the themes of FO4 revolve around synths—distinctly not robots, but androids, artificially created beings with fully organic human bodies. Most of the storyline factions have strong beliefs about synths and the relative humanity thereof. The Institute believes that synths are objects, tools, machines no different from a robot who are only simulating their personalities through programming. The Brotherhood believes synths are monstrous abominations, a danger to humanity itself, technology run amok which needs to be destroyed. The Railroad believes they are people. Not humans, but people, built instead of born, free-thinking beings that deserve to be treated with respect and given rights.

Through quests, dialogue, notes, worldbuilding and other venues, players explore these questions. What makes someone a person? If your personality and memories can be rewritten or programmed, then who are you, really? Where do we draw the line between humans and machines, and how do we decide who belongs where?

Meanwhile, as the player contemplates the nature of personhood and the definition of intelligence, their robot butler quietly evolves into a fully-conscious person on his own, right beside them.

Codsworth is unquestionably a machine, but also unquestionably beyond the appliance he was built to be. Which to some philosophies and players should really beg a few other questions. If a robot can be considered a person, then what makes synths so different? And how many excuses do we have to make to pretend otherwise?

Ya boy Codsworth may not be flashy, or powerful, or kissable. He may not be the most glamorous companion around. But he is a good friend, a beloved member of the family, and above all else, a loyal butler—content to serve, quietly and humbly doing his job where some may never even notice him-- or the fact that he’s casually become his own person and sent generations of roboticists and philosophers spinning in their graves.

[sobdasha]

had a few more thoughts about the Honda family

and all the Souma parallels.

(and by “a few” I apparently meant “a lot”, I did not mean to write this many pages)

In the other post I’d made a comment about how Katsuya’s romance with Kyouko, severe age difference issues aside, is just plain pathetic, a point which I believe to be Upheld by canon. And I wanted to talk more about that, the implications of that, and how that further builds the Akito and Tohru parallel. And also, Why Tohru Can’t Love Her Mom And Kyou At The Same Time.

The ideal, in Fruits Basket, is that when you make a connection with one person who loves you and sees you, this will enable you to make further connections with the people around you. Tohru does a whole heck of a lot of this; for one example, see Yuki explaining this to Kisa in the liking-yourself speech. Yuki does some of this for bitty Haru and later for Machi. Kazuma does this for Kyou. And so on and so forth. The positive experiences are meant to have a ripple effect.

It’s important to be grateful for what you have (Yuki and Machi’s “just one person would be enough” scene), but it’s human to crave more than that (Kyouko telling Saki that it’s probably normal to want other people to accept you even if you already have a loving and supportive family). It is important to crave more than that.

This was, in fact, the entire point of the curse. God meets cat. Cat’s companionship allows god to form connections with other animals. Cat is dying and god decides that 13 friends is the perfect number of friends and starts the reincarnation cycle. Cat says, “god you never once left your house. I wanted to see you go down and make friends with the humans. I wanted to see you experience the world and laugh in the sunlight. God you made 13 new friends but you’re still lonely and closing yourself off to the world forever, this is wrong and I am sad.” The banquets were supposed to be the gateway drug of friendship and meaningful connections, not the place where 14 souls stagnated alone and isolated until it became a curse.

That same wrongness happens in Ren and Akira’s relationship, where finally making a connection with one person who loves you and sees you made their world smaller and smaller. It wasn’t healthy, probably because 1) they remained in a toxic environment, 2) Kureno implies that Ren has mental health issues and I assume those existed prior to Akira’s death and were exacerbated, rather than created by, her grief; also I can’t imagine she actually came from a non-toxic family herself, and 3) Akira’s “you’re going to die an early death and the only thing we need from you first is a successor” trauma. Akira never found anyone other than Ren who understood how upset he was. Ren never formed a relationship with anyone other than Akira, partly because she was now trapped in a toxic family that despised everything about her and she refused to Prove Them Right by leaving. They both viewed their child as an object rather than a person; Akira seeing proof that he and Ren were definitely OTP and the Souma could go shove it, and Ren seeing a Rival.

I have a memory that I said at some point—probably in a Talking About Shigure post—that Kyouko helps Katsuya connect with other people. But this, I think, is not really true. I was thinking of how Kyouko helps bridge the non-relationship between Katsuya and his father. But that’s just one person.

Really, Katsuya and Kyouko are more like Akira and Ren.

Marrying-someone-who-just-graduated-ninth-grade aside, the fact that Katsuya and Kyouko meet is genuinely a good thing. Katsuya finally connects with the humanity in another person. Kyouko is finally cared about as a person. Their misanthropic-jackass-and-abandoned-cat relationship improves both of them, probably. Their connection is definitely the reason Kyouko decides to go to high school and quit her gang. It’s harder to tell with Katsuya, but you could argue that seeing Kyouko struggling and fighting and screaming against the world, as honest about her joy as she is about her loneliness-channeled-into-rage, causes Katsuya to say screw it and pursue the career in pharmacy that he’s interested in, instead of fake-politely submitting to the world’s expectations and internally resenting and disdaining everyone around him.

Katsuya softens in his relationship with his father. Both Katsuya and Kyouko see their child as a person in her own right, Tohru, rather than an object. Katsuya, in fact, is adamant about that fact when Kyouko is terrified of her pregnancy—that they can treat their baby as her own person, and if they aren’t perfect parents and they hurt their child, they’ll apologize—because Tohru is a person and an equal—and admit that what they did was wrong and why it’s wrong. They’ll treat Tohru with the respect they should have gotten all along.

But I don’t think it ever goes any farther than that. Like god, the Honda family becomes more and more isolated.

Does Katsuya make any work friends? We don’t really get a complete view of their lives, because Takaya is one person who can only do so much and space is very precious, so we only see what’s crucial to the story. But I would be really surprised to find that Katsuya had made any close friends outside of Kyouko. I honestly doubt that he has anything more than casual work acquaintances. (In contrast, we repeatedly see Kyou together with the two guys who got names in the anime that I forgot in his class; his friendship with them doesn’t get explored much in the manga, presumably because it doesn’t do any heavy lifting for his character development, but Kyou clearly has casual friends who seek him out and whom he doesn’t mind being with. See also the way Saki and Arisa also interact with those guys as a part of the group, while Tohru really only interacts with Saki and Arisa or the Souma.)

And I don’t think Kyouko fares any better. Does she have any close friends, other than her husband and daughter? Does she make friends at work? I don’t know what kind of work Kyouko does, and if she would have the opportunity to take her breaks socializing with coworkers. But it appears she spends her work breaks in an abandoned area socializing with a first or second grader. Kyou is the only person, as far as we know, that mid-twenties Kyouko can start to open up to. She doesn’t get all the way there—Kyou doesn’t connect the dots until much later—but it’s the closest she comes to talking about how she hurt Tohru after Katsuya died.

Where are the family friends? It doesn’t strike me as weird that the Honda family doesn’t have them, because I have also grown up in a poorly socialized household, but even I am used to running into unfamiliar people in public who explain that they know my mom or dad. I’m pretty sure family friends are a normal thing, and that’s how you get aunts and uncles that aren’t related to you, much in the same way that I’m pretty sure it’s normal to be friends with your cousins (especially if they’re in a similar age range and live nearby) and it is very common for grandparents to bring grandchildren with them to the grocery store because the grandchildren are staying over and they’re having a relationship.

Where is anyone but the Honda family at at Kyouko’s funeral? Kyouko made friends with Arisa and Saki, but did she ever make friends with Saki’s parents? Where are Saki’s loving and supportive mother and father and grandmother when the Honda family is arguing about who has to take on the burden of Tohru? Where are they, if they knew of the bad blood between Kyouko and the Honda family (and the disinheritance between Kyouko and the Katsunuma family), to sweep over Tohru’s protestations and tell her that it will all be fine, they’ll make it work out (they packed up and moved house for Saki, after all), it’s not Tohru’s job to worry about being a burden, it’s the job of people who love her to take care of her?

It can be both “because of the necessity of the plot” and “because they didn’t know.”

Tohru inherits this small, isolated world. And because of the trauma of being abandoned by her grieving, depressed, absolutely-not-coping mother, Tohru picks up on that Souma curse mentality. Tohru’s dad left, and Tohru’s dad tried to take her mom with her, leaving her with no one but Grandpa (who is not intimately part of their world but is not fully outside it either). Tohru’s dad is now a Rival. Tohru’s dad is now an Outsider. Clearly, a bond with an Outsider weakens the True Bond that Tohru had with Kyouko. Clearly, Tohru’s dad is Not Needed (because the other alternative is that Tohru is Not Needed). Clearly, only one of them can have Kyouko.

And it’s going to be Tohru.

Tohru picks up Katsuya’s fake-polite speech, equally disingenuously but from the opposite direction (ie, Katsuya was fake-polite to be an asshole, and Tohru is genuinely polite but faking the words). Tohru is pretty sure this is a form of wicked manipulation (much like Yuki is convinced that “be kind unto others as you would have them be kind unto you” is a form of wicked manipulation). Tohru keeps up with it anyway. Kyouko, as Kyou suggests, was probably comforted by this; rather than going full Akira “you exist to prove that I lived and loved a woman”, seeing Katsuya’s mannerisms in Tohru reminds her that her husband did exist without having to erase Tohru as a person. Kyouko does a lot of growing on her own, but with no support system and no friends outside the family and being fresh-out-of-college age, it’s not surprising that she fails to talk with Tohru about this, and tell Tohru that she knows why Tohru’s doing this, she knows how she hurt Tohru and it was wrong, you don’t have to do this anymore. This is a hurt between them, a grief, that they never talk about, even though they both know it’s there and Kyouko tries to smother it with love and affection and Tohru tries to shut it up in a box of denial.

Tohru’s world is now just Tohru and Kyouko. Tohru doesn’t make any friends until middle school. We know she gets bullied and doesn’t fit in throughout her entire school life. She is a riceball in a fruits basket and probably just manages to scrape by in conformity culture. When she does make her first friends, Arisa and Saki don’t count as Outsiders who compromise Tohru’s bond with her mom because Arisa and Saki are also misfits on the fringe. They are outcasts Tohru can bring into the circle. They are all monsters together, like the cursed Soumas (the only reason no one refers to Akito as a monster to her face, the way they do the rest of the Zodiac, probably has less to do with the fact that Akito doesn’t transform and more to do with the fact that Akito being in a position of power is useful for their own ends, so best not to undermine the head of the family by pointing the whole monster thing out).

And then Tohru’s mom dies.

Tohru isn’t god and she can’t make an eternal banquet. Tohru doesn’t know how to process her grief and how not to fall to pieces. Tohru knows how to empathize with other people, but she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. Did she remember Kyouko wanting to follow Katsuya, and think about doing the same? But Tohru also wants to keep living, somehow.

So she makes her mom not be gone. Her mom is dead, Tohru knows that, just like Akito knows that Akira’s soul isn’t in the box choosing her over Ren and showing her the way to happiness. But maybe. So she talks to the portrait of her mom. She tries to rescue her mom from suffocating inside a mudslide. She takes her mom on holiday to the onsen. Her mom gets kidnapped once by Hiro. Tohru’s mom is definitely not gone. Tohru and her mom definitely still have an eternal bond. Tohru’s mom will always be first in her heart, so that Tohru will always be first in her mother’s heart. Tohru will never abandon her. Tohru will never leave her behind.

(Tohru will never be left behind.)

Tohru’s world is just Tohru and her mom.

Tohru has two best friends, Arisa and Saki, but she won’t let them in. She won’t depend on them. She won’t tell that that her grief is crushing her and that she’s living in a tent because she’s terrified of being abandoned. Tohru makes a lot of new friends in the Souma family, and she’s very happy, but she won’t let them in either. Tohru can’t open up to any of them freely.

I don’t think I saved it anywhere the survived the computer death, but I saw at least one post in the fandom talking about the growing disappointment of the reboot anime, and they had a valid point, so I’ll bring that in now.

I really like the reboot, but I am losing my passion in the final season. Adapting a story from one media to another is hard, and at the beginning I thought they were doing a good job. Small things were being cut, scenes were being rearranged and stitched together, but there was a definite purpose behind it. Instead of literally following each chapter, each episode tried to be a self-contained theme in the same way a manga chapter would be. Because themes repeat again and again in Fruits Basket in a slow build, this was working well. But small things that didn’t quite fit got cut. Scenes I liked and was sad not to see, but that I accepted had to be left out to make the episodes stronger.

But they’ve been piling up and piling up. Small holes have accumulated into big plot holes that the third season is tripping over. I’m sad that we don’t see the small progressions of Yuki and Machi’s relationship, the quiet scenes that show Machi is trying to pay attention to Yuki the way he has paid attention to her, and also all the Mogetas. I’m sad Komaki is the new manga-only character. If we don’t get Kyouko’s full backstory, we lose a lot of the context that’s in this post. I could go on and on.

But most importantly, as that someone else pointed out, we missed out on the progression of Kyou and Tohru’s flirting. It’s too late to cram all of that into a montage episode, and so now we’ve been given episode after episode of Mom Tohru, and hardly any Tohru Struggling With Romance In Addition To Struggling With Grief before suddenly everyone is confessing their love and I’m not as into it in the anime as I am in the manga.

So many of the Souma love and accept Tohru, but Tohru remains an Outsider—not because of the curse, but because she hasn’t formed close friendships with them. Tohru has a lot of people among the Souma she likes who like her, but she’s always a Mom to them. Tohru shares some of her own pain with them, but it’s shared for their benefit, not for Tohru’s own catharsis. Tohru shares so she will be loved, not so that she will be accepted.

Except Kyou.

Kyou, who looks at Tohru and thinks, “I’m pretty sure she’s that lonely person even now, even while she’s smiling and genuinely enjoying every moment with us.” Kyou, who’s falling in love with Tohru. Kyou, whom Tohru’s falling in love with.

Kyou is the only one that Tohru takes a desperate risk with. Kyou is the only one Tohru ~disillusions~ and ~disappoints~ in the hope that he’ll accept her regardless.

Kyou is the only one Tohru tells, “I don’t talk about my dad because I kicked him out of the family. I know my dad loved us and I loved him back, but I pretend to talk like him so my mom will forget about him and love me instead. He came between me and my mom and now I pretend he doesn’t exist. And I know I’m an awful person for behaving like that, so I keep his picture and pretend I don’t, and I pretend he’s the Bad Guy who earned it.”

The idea that Tohru can’t love both her mom and Kyou is, in a way, true. (I think that same post I’ve been referencing also talked about how dropping the budding romance also dropped a lot of the clues that this is Tohru unable to process her grief? Which is also very true. But if Tohru has the Souma mindset, then actually she has a legit point about not being able to love two people at once despite being a very loving person. Both can be true. Multitudes.)

Kyou is an Outsider to the world of Tohru and her mom. And if Tohru chooses to love him, it will weaken her bond with her mom, which is predicated on loving her mom more than anyone else. If she expands her world to include him in it, she will be betraying her mom. Tohru will be the Bad Guy who left her mom behind and abandoned her. Tohru will be her own villain, condemned for the same crimes she pinned on her dad.

Kyou 100% gets where she’s coming from with this, because he turns this exact argument on her when she confesses to him and he panics (akin to when Tohru chases him down in his true form and he slashes her and, in the reboot, yeets her into the lake, so that she will be hurt so bad she’ll never pity/love him again). He asks her if her love for her mom—her bond—was just a lie.

Tohru making friends after Kyouko’s death has been a lot like Akito letting Yuki and Kyou out into the world, certain that it would drive them back to the bond. Yuki getting character development is a huge betrayal. Tohru wanting to be together with Kyou, when she should only want to be together with her mom, is a huge betrayal.

Tohru has no model for expanding her world. She’s good at loving people, but bad at letting them in (Kyouko was bad at that too—like Mom Tohru, she was very good at sharing anecdotes about her violent youth, but very bad about sharing how she’d failed Tohru as a mom). Like Akito, she only really knows the bond—the certainty that her mom would love her. She’s been so terrified of not being loved that she’s acted this entire time like her mom is still around. When Kyou’s love is a possibility, she can only conceptualize it as a betrayal of her relationship with her mother.

It always seemed a bit too abrupt that Tohru looked at Akito with the knife and went “oh shit we’re literally the same”, but now that I’ve thought this all out, it makes eloquent sense. The whole time Tohru’s been working against the curse, she’s been in denial about her own blessing-burden-curse. Now that she’s just admitted it and had it thrown back in her face, she can look at Akito and see another person in an insular little world, isolated and lonely and walled-off from the world. Of course Tohru desperately wants to make friends with knife-wielding Akito—she just decided to let go of her ties to her mother that were suffocating her, and take her first steps into the world, and got immediately dumped by the person she loves. Of course she wants to make friends with someone who knows exactly where Tohru’s coming from and how terrifying what Tohru just did is and how awful it is to be rejected even though she’s got other friends she loves out here in this world she’s decided to finally step into.

Tohru is so damn lonely, and Akito is there, also lonely and screaming and crying and undeniably human.

(Smile, Tohru tells herself in the hospital. Smile and tell Kyou you were happy to meet him and just let him go. Don’t be a curse. Smile and let him find his own happiness. Which is more or less the same struggle Akito is also going through. But maybe they’re going through it together. Maybe they used their words, together, when they couldn’t confide in anyone else. Although it feels a bit unlikely that Tohru let herself break down about Kyou in front of Akito, and Akito already had one pity-party in front of Momiji and may not have wanted to burden Tohru with a second.)

One thing I really love about Fruits Basket Another is that Hajime alludes to the fact that Kyou probably won’t inherit Kazuma’s dojo after all.

Kyou inheriting the dojo is something both Kyou and Kazuma have wanted, and it gives me many warm fuzzies. It is very narratively satisfying. The dojo, while Souma property, is not actually part of the main estate.

What I love is that Kyou probably won’t take over the dojo specifically because he and Tohru have made so many friends in their new town that they don’t want to pick up and leave. Kyou finally succeeds in freeing Tohru from that small, lonely world, much like he’s been freed from the fate of the Cat Room. Their relationship enriches them personally and also enables them to make so many new connections. Kyou has friends at the dojo! Tohru has friends at work maybe! Friends where they buy groceries, friends among the parents of their children’s classmates, friends outside of their extended Souma family! They’ve kept ties that don’t hold them back and made new ties that don’t weaken or steal away any of their old ties!

When they left Tokyo, Tohru was prepared to go anywhere as long as it was with Kyou. Now, she and Kyou both don’t want to leave because their world is so much larger than just their nuclear family and they’ve put down roots. They’ve seen each other not only lonely in the moonlight and worn thin by death and loss, but they’ve gotten up and gone down the mountain to where the people live and made friends among them, laughing in the sunlight. Just like the cat always uggghhhhh I’m not crying I’m just so damn happy for them I can’t

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hey you any canon compliant angst no happy ending recs

Hey Lovely!

Ah, you’re an evil one, aren’t ya, LOL LOL!! Hee hee! No worries! I’ve had this one waiting for literal years, finally going to use this post as an excuse to post it up! Enjoy(?)! LOL <3

UNHAPPY or AMBIGUOUS ENDINGS

See also:

Major Character Death / Heavy Angst

Major Character Death / Heavy Angst Pt 2

One Lives, One Dies

John’s Suicide Before TEH

Dies After the Fall and Becomes a Ghost

John Has Cancer

I don't mind by beltainefaerie (G, 221 w., 1 Ch. || Pining Sherlock, Stag Night, 221B, Post-TRF, Angst, Longing) – Sherlock is more vulnerable than he pretends. Part 4 of Bel's Tumblr Ficlets

Pervasive Quietness by LittleLongHairedOutlaw (T, 545 w., 1 Ch. ||  Angst, Friendship, Pining Sherlock, First-Person Sherlock POV) – The hollowness left in Baker Street seeps into everything.

Human Error by YakuzaDog (G, 571 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Missing Scene, Angst) – Sherlock goes on a brief shopping trip.

The Hollow Man by HHarris (G, 639 w., 1 Ch. || John’s Chair, Introspection, Sherlock’s Big Feelings™, Post TRF, Angst, Emotional Turmoil, POV Sherlock, Pining / Sad Sherlock) – Still reeling from the apparent loss of his one and only friend, Sherlock returns to 221B for the first time after the events of The Reichenbach Fall.

Five Seconds by xXLadyLovelaceXx (K+, 658 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Introspection, TGG Pool Scene) – In the half-second before Sherlock shoots the jacket, John notices something.

Promise of Sussex by LittleLongHairedOutlaw (T, 705 w., 1 Ch. || First Person POV Sherlock, Sherlock Whump, Angst, Pining, Ambiguous Ending) – John tries to keep Sherlock conscious after he's been shot on a case.

Message Not Sent by Queerasil (K, 762 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, One-Sided Texting, Pining Sherlock) - Sherlock texts John after the fall and during the hiatus. The messages are sent, but never received. Sequel to WORDLOCKED, TSTM, and Wait, How Do You Play This Game Again?

John Will Never Know by bloodsoakedleather (E, 775 w., 1 Ch. || Fantasy John, Masturbation, PIning Sherlock, Sexual Fantasy, Rimming, Cock Sucking, John’s Red Pants, Pants Sniffing, Coming in Pants, Mild Kink) – Sherlock indulges in a spot of self gratification with the aid of a stolen pair of red pants. Part 2 of Johnlock Porny Ficlets

Words Were Never Useful by Jenn1984 (K+, 819 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt Comfort, John Whump, Friendship, Ambiguous Ending) - ALLEY BEHIND THE BOOKSTORE, JOHN STABBED. HELP NOW. SH

The Other Shoe by thewaitwasworthitlove - (NR, 1,053 w., 1 Ch. || Pining Sherlock, Angst, URT, Post-TSo3) - Sherlock realizes how deep in love he has fallen for John. Only Sherlock Holmes would manage to be more shattered than crystal dropped on concrete.

The Signs of Loss by LitLocked (NR, 1,103 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TSo3, Pining Sherlock, Self Reflection) – Sherlock's internal monologue after he comes back from the wedding.

Velvet by headlessjess (G, 1,155 w., 1 Ch. || TSo3 Fic, Pining, Angst, Jealous Sherlock, Loneliness, Sad Fic, Friendship, Bi-Curiousity, Dancing) – It's the day, the wedding day - John and Mary, getting married. And then there's Sherlock, in pain and in love, without knowing how to deal with it.

Imminent by LoyalPaddler (K+, 1,187 w., 1 Ch. || Kidnapping, Open Ending) – What did it say about a person if he recognized the feeling of waking up concussed, blindfolded, and handcuffed to a chair? Probably not good, that.

The Simple Separation Will Not Come Between Us by The Circus (T, 1,278 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, MCD, Violence, Heavy Angst, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Prose) – The choice is simple. Real, and No John. Or Not Real, and John. For a prompt that says 'John dies and Sherlock loses himself in his Mind Palace’

Hold On by Jennistar1 (T, 1,300 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Hiatus, Friendship) –  Alternative ending to Reichenbach Falls - John knew all along.

The Talons of Sentiment by dearcst (G, 1,463 w., 1 Ch. || First Person POV, Angst, Unrequited Love, Pining Sherlock) – I promised myself long ago I wouldn’t succumb to something so degrading, something so vicious. I promised I wouldn’t let myself fall. But that was before him. That was before I met John. In sleep there is such bliss and peace, and as John slept on my shoulder, it killed me inside to know I was so close yet I could never touch him.

Love and Bombs by Spark_Writer (T, 1,696 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, POV Sherlock First Person, Post-HLV, Pining Sherlock) – Love and bombs aren’t all that different, John. In the end, they’re almost indistinguishable. Part 3 of Human Error

BBCSH 'Poor Mary' by tigersilver (M, 1,839 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Canon Compliant, Sherlock Whump / Mary Shot Sherlock, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Missing Scene, Sherlock POV) – As the tin says above, this is a missing scene, set directly after Sherlock awakens in hospital after having been shot by his best mate's wife. Minor angst, some pining, nothing nasty; please don't be alarmed unduly.

Dying Changes Everything by whitchry9 (K+, 1,919 w., 1 Ch || Sherlock POV, Suicidal Ideation, Near-Death, Hospital, Sherlock Whump, Gunshot, Unhappy/Ambiguous Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship) – Sherlock is having an existential crisis and wants to have a near death experience like John did to gain some perspective. “Shoot me John!” he insisted, gesturing to himself. John just looked at him. “Are you completely mad?”

Love Hurts by Grac3 (T, 2,215 w., 1 Ch. || Magical Realism, Pining Sherlock, One-Sided Pining / URT, Sherlock / John Whump, Angst, Ambiguous Ending) – In a world where someone's physical injuries manifest themselves on the person who is in love with them, John didn't think that there would ever be anyone who was willing to risk falling in love with him - until he got shot on a case, and it didn't hurt. Unrequited Johnlock.

glimpses through a closing window by radialarch (T, 2,430 w., 1 Ch.  || Hiatus / Post TRF, Vlogging, Pining Sherlock, Angst, BG John/Mary) – John starts a domestic vlog. Sherlock watches it on stolen phones, over flickering wi-fi, and aches.

It's After That Hurts by jonnyluvssherlock (T, 2,791 w., 1 Ch. || City of Angels AU || Fantasy, Fallen Angel Sherlock, Soldier John, Pining Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Permanently Incomplete Fic) – Sherlock's an angel stuck as a guardian to danger addict John Watson. Everything is fine until he gets too involved. Now he has to make the choice, eternity alone or one life time with a man who may or may not love him.

You Paid Me Well In Memories by Ballykissangel - (K+, 3,149 w., 1 Ch. || Heavy Angst, Hurt, Comfort, Grief) –  It's Sherlock's birthday and John is not doing well. No matter how hard he's tried to keep on living, he knows he is going to give up soon and he isn't going to make it. Today is his last and only chance to visit Sherlock's grave to talk and give him his gifts: His dog tags, a book full of notes and memories and the meaning of love as Sherlock watches on in grief.

Out of Time by westernredcedar (T, 3,163 w., 1 Ch. || Wedding, Angst, Pining John, Sad Ending) – Somerset is a lovely place for a wedding, but what John hadn't accounted for was the getting everyone there.

fulfilling for other people by missselene (E, 3,957 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Oblivious John, Pining Sherlock, Unhappy Fic, Unrequited Love Confession, Virgin Sherlock) – When Sherlock decides to act on John’s advice regarding romantic entanglements, the results are far from what John expected. Part 1 of fulfilling for other people

Sink Like a Stone by pennydreadful (T, 4,348 w., 1 Ch. || Angst / Dark, Cuddling/Snuggling) – After defeating Moriarty at the pool, life isn't quite the same around 221B Baker Street...it's more peaceful. And stranger.

The Dance Lesson by bittergreens (G, 4,596 w., 1 Ch. || TSo3 Missing Scene, Dancing, Pining Sherlock, URT/UST, Romance, Angst, POV John) – Sherlock teaches John to dip. Part 1 of Goodnight, Vienna

Anticlockwise (Ask Time) by TheBookshelfDweller (G, 3,752 w., 1 Ch. || Metaphorical, Angst, Time, Unhappy Ending) – "Let me tell you the truth: Sherlock Holmes cannot beat Time." Time only flows in one direction, and we are stranded in it, carried by currents we mostly never notice are whirling around us. No one can walk backwards along the timeline, and maybe that’s for the best, because what if someone could? Where would they go? Or, better say, to when would they go? Most importantly who would they leave behind (or is it ahead)? In the end, despite the truth, Sherlock Holmes decides to fight Time, for John, for himself - for himself with John.

On the Steadfast Approach of an Oncoming Darkness by 2bee (T, 7,772 w., 1 Ch. || Apocalypse, Minor Character Death, Sort of Parentlock) – The world is ending. Not fast, but slowly, like falling asleep with a fever.

In The End by whitchry9 (K+, 9,677 w., 17 Ch. || Memento Fusion || Amnesia, Growing Old, Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Heavy Angst) – When a brain injury leaves Sherlock unable to make new memories, John wonders how Sherlock will cope, and what it will mean for The Work and their life. Because after all, how can you live if you can't feel time passing?

All the Times Something ALMOST Happened by allonsys_girl (T, 9,049 w., 6 Ch. || POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Canon Compliant, Angst, Friendship/Love, UST) – John and Sherlock dancing around what they dance around in canon.

The Haunting of 221B Baker Street by earlgreytea68 (M, 10,388 w., 2 Ch. || Post TRF, Halloween / Ghosts, Pining Sherlock, Ghost Sherlock, Stroppy Sherlock, Sherlock POV, First Kiss/Time, Angry Sex, Ghost Sex, Love Confessions, Open / Ambiguous Ending) – In which Sherlock Holmes is a ghost.

The Five Stages of Mourning, Plus One by SunnyRea (T, 10,557 w., 1 Ch. || Major Character Death, Pining / Grieving Sherlock, URT, Heavy Angst, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Drug Use, Graphic Death, Depression, Unhappy Ending) – Sherlock did not want this, did not want another stalemate with John in the middle, a gun in Jim's hand. This cannot have happened without a sign. There has to be something he missed anything which said today is the day I kill for real.

There's So Much Labour Just in Breathing Lately by Susan (E, 12,708 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF / Mentions of S3 Events, Romance, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Grieving John, Mutual Pining, Meddling Mycroft, Therapy, Ambiguous Hopeful Ending, Infidelity) – The dreams he hated most – the ones that left him a sweating, shaking mess when he woke – were the ones in which Sherlock was just Sherlock. Laughing or drinking tea. Sitting across the table from him at Angelo’s eating pasta. Trailing his open hand behind him on the way to the bedroom. “C’mon, John. I’m about to have my way with you.”

we have never seen a greater day than this by Lediona (T, 36,420 w., 7 Ch. || A Royal Night Out AU || WWII / VE Day, Prince Sherlock, Soldier John, Alternating POV, First Kiss, Bittersweet Ending, Homophobia, Dancing) – Peace. At long last. It’s VE Day and Prince William desires to join the celebrations. It is a night of excitement, danger and the first flutters of romance.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

The Gilded Cage by BeautifulFiction (E, 326,887 w., 31 Ch. || Omegaverse || Omega Sherlock / Alpha John, Friends to Lovers, Dub Con, Reproductive Rights) – In a world where Omegas are the property of the elite Alphas, locked away and treasured by those wealthy enough to buy them, John never questioned his flatmate's secondary gender. Sherlock Holmes was an Alpha through-and through. Wasn't he? A chance discovery turns the world on its head, and John is left grappling to come to terms with Sherlock's past as events conspire to threaten their future.