#that's carn but with godhood.

[stigmvtas]

welcome to marina, CARNELIAN ST. GERMAIN ( nonbinary, he/they ) ! they are a TWENTY FOUR year old who has lived on the island for THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. word on the street is they’re currently living in PROSPECT HILL and works as a WAITER / FISHERMAN. everyone also says they look a lot like JONATHAN DAVISS. what do you think? — JAMES, 24, THEY/THEM, EST.

MENTIONS OF DEATH AND ANXIETY.

profile.

full name: carnelian laramie st. germain.

birthday: july 4th, 1999.

astrology: cancer sun, pisces moon, virgo ascending..

sexuality: bisexual.

currently listening to: rock n roll victim by death.

last known location: [[[cannot be found]]]

PINTEREST.

brief history.

the st. germains have lived in marina since forever - years and years of one shared houseboat, and a scattering of ships all belonging under their one family name. every st. germain born on - board of one; never in hospital.

they live modestly, make their fair share of wages through fishing - what their family has always done, and will likely always do. it's good money, brings them enough to get by and then - so.

carn is the youngest of four; the baby of the family and well - loved on hand - me - downs and the protection of their siblings' collective reputation.

there's a long - known superstition running throughout their family; that they were cursed by a sea witch once, that one member from every generation of their small family would lose their mind, and thus their life. carn always took it for granted - an old tale the older members of their family would spin to scare the young'ins into taking better care of one another.

death; it isn't until his uncle's sudden and unexpected death during their childhood that the curse feels real to carn. he's always been carn's favorite, the same gentle temperament and easy smile - but he changed in the few months prior to his death; would come around confused, or angry - sometimes wouldn't say anything at all but stare, and stare. until he could stare no longer.

anxiety; it becomes a genuine fear of carn's - the passage of time and the deterioration of the mind; jumpstarts their anxiety, a struggle since childhood. keeps them from truly living - from exploring what life could be outside of marina. wants to spend as much time with his family as possible before the "curse" transfers to one of them.

still hasn't done much with his life. figures he'll either have time or just. die. weird acceptance of it - working part time at the diner but mostly on the family's fishing boat, trying to ignore their increasingly irrational thoughts.

facts & temperaments.

terrible at falling asleep - is often up late, looking up to the sky and drawing their own made up constellations. doesn't bode well for their early shifts fishing, or their late shifts waitering - but they're well liked enough that it doesn't matter.

people's princess. the diana of marina. gentle and thinks often of others before himself. gives a little too much just because he thinks that's what's right. believes very firmly in the concept of being a good person.

self medicates <3 loves weed. loves a good #420. dabbles in other good but infrequently because their anxiety sours anything else and makes him think he's like genuinely going to die soon.

anxiety; always in a constant state of sudden doom but it's near impossible to tell because they're all smiles and cool exterior. hates to worry others with their irrational thoughts.

a bit compulsive. has had the same meal at the diner since childhood, goes to and fro' work the same path everyday - hates change, and hates changing; hates everything new.

big on vintage stereos and the like. makes mixtapes for their friends and for every possible scenario and every possible feeling. it's their biggest love language.

can be a bit too idealistic as a way to combat like. the fact they think everything will go wrong and everyone will die and that he thinks something's out to get him. skeptical of others despite this, and despite the one (1) superstition he believes in.

can be a little self righteous in the sense that they think they're always right - can be a little too smug about it; but they're always well - meaning, always wants what they think is the best.

virtuoso don't let him pick up an instrument 'cos he'll start riffing and it will always end up being ska punk. astrology whore; reads the horoscopes religiously and is way too into it.

usually wearing a leather jacket and boots and their natural hair in all its beauty n glory. has too many earrings to count, and just as many tattoos.

falls in love with people everyday. a big lover. can't help it - always finds something about people to be interested in.

[eternaldipshit]

alright i’m fuckin PISSED

i just made this blog yesterday to maybe possibly post a homestuck fic i’m working on but now i’m going to use it to scream into the utter fucking gaping void of the homestuck fandom bc none of my friends are actively in it right now and god dammit i am UPSET

fact: i got a lotta feelings for the striders. they are my shit. i adore them. ok? so that’s an established fact now ok good cool moving on 

fact: when game over was released, i quit the homestuck fandom. that shit broke me. even if it wasn’t the “alpha” timeline or w/e it still fucking happened and it upset my delicate fucking sensibilities and hearing carne vale STILL triggers some sort of visceral feeling of panic and straight-up fuckin MISERY in me and i wish i was fucking kidding but i just put it on now to test it and ugh ugh gughgsh

fact: i started rereading homestuck this month from the beginning and reigniting my love for it. game over still fucked me up, but i powered through it and 5 years fuckin late i finished a harrowing emotional rollercoaster that i’d started like 7 years ago and was just... DEEPLY fucking unsatisfied with the ending which is why i started writing aforementioned fic in the first place but that is not relevant rn this is a whole different rant ok

fact: i wrote like 20k words for this fic in the span of like 3 days it was sick as fuck

fact: the epilogues are dumb as fuck and i despise them 

and that’s the meat of it really. fuck the epilogues. 

i haven’t finished them yet, but i just. ugh. UGH. words escape me. partially bc im a shit wordsmith but also bc *SPOILERS* i just got to dirk’s funeral scene and just fuckin. gave the fuck up. 

i never liked the original homestuck ending to begin with, but i never expected that the epilogues would be so fucking... bleak. it’s like reading a shitty fanfic except all the fun is sucked out of it bc technically all the shit you’re reading is canon and that makes it all seem drab and unfunny and just kinda depressing 

especially in the i guess ‘doomed’ timeline where dirk kills himself 

idk if it hit me hard bc of the flippant treatment of suicide or if it’s just bc i love dirk so much as a character but it just hurt in so many different fucking ways

it doesn’t help that the epilogues paint dirk as a straight up fucking sociopath

and i can see why that would make sense, really. his expanding godhood powers played into his pre-existing sociopathic tendencies in the worst way possible but

it’s just

not what i want to imagine from a fucking epilogue

call me soft and an idealist but i like my happy endings god dammit and fuck FUCK FUCK the epilogues. i want to try to finish them but it’s just. fucking difficult. 

i think the suicide was the last straw for me and now that i think about it it’s definitely bc of my own suicidal ideation and this is exactly why i avoided that stupid fucking show about the girl killing herself no matter how many times it was recommended to me bc i consume media to distract myself from my problems not have them blared in my face in neon lights 

i also fucking hate how dirk’s character morphed from a manipulative as hell genius who constantly struggled with his own morality to this kind of puppeteer who is flagrantly detached from his peers and seems to hold no real attachment to any of them it’s just

it’s shitty

and i was so excited for it bc i thought it would grant me more insight into dirk’s and dave’s characters, considering the fic i’m writing is strider-centric and it just completely took the wind out of my sails instead bc this is not what i pictured for dirk at all 

i mean i’m not a fucking idiot. i know he’s an asshole and an ‘ends justify the means’ guy and definitely manipulative and controlling but this is also the guy that cut off his own head to save all of his friends and tried his best to comfort dave when he was having a breakdown despite his own supposed lack of empathy

and i want so badly to continue my fic like i never read this but i can’t ignore it bc it’s fucking CANON. and i know my biffle would be like ‘fuck canon’ but i can’t fuck canon ok it’s the reason these characters exist in the first place. i might rewrite the whole ending but i wanted to stay as true to canon characterization as poss and now i just. can’t. 

the real kicker is that i was willing to look past the reveal that he was the narrator the whole time, controlling the lives of all the characters even if it literally gave me goosebumps bc it put that whole ‘jake keeps thinking about dirk while jane kisses him’ thing into a new disturbingly unromantic light but i ignored that too. i switched to the other path for a bit and i knew from the minute it switched to the scene where dirk’s hands are shaking and he calls jane i KNEW he would kill himself but i convinced myself otherwise and surprise surprise got my ass handed to me on a silver platter for it

but i cannot i CANNOT believe he would do that to dave. i flat-out refuse. i flat-out fucking refuse to believe that dirk could be so cruel as to leave them all behind in such a crass fashion and how DARE he do that to dave how fucking dare he doomed timeline or not that dude’s been through enough shit like come the fuck ON and decapitating himself??? that’s not poetic fucking justice that is just straight up cruel af and i know these are all fictional chars and this whole scenario is fictional but it is SO UPSETTING TO ME bc that is the EXACT thing you think about before a suicide attempt you think about what it would do to your loved ones and i absolutely irrefutably fucking REJECT the idea that dirk is so far-gone in his godhood puppet game that it wouldn’t even cross his fucking mind and it is just so much worse to me that dave is the one who found the body and i know dirk isn’t a ‘good’ guy but ugh UGH it’s like they just threw out his whole fucking conversation with dave where it’s obvious that he tries to be a better person even tho he knows he’s an asshole and it’s just.

fucking upsetting. 

i hate hate hate what they’ve done to dirk’s character in this it’s like they took all the struggle and all the growth from the adventure and all the nuances and just boiled it down to make a caricature of the person he used to be, emphasizing the negatives so that the epilogues could have this weird fucking quasi-villain dictating everyone’s lives 

why do these epilogues even exist

no one is going to read this but i am just so full of righteous indignation that i needed to get it off my chest. i was so hyped to be back into homestuck again, so excited to see what more it had to offer and this just. ruined all that joy for me. and now i’m afraid i’m just going to fall right back out of it again. 

what the fuck is the opposite of a redemption arc bc that is exactly what the fuck happened here. 

anyway tl;dr i love returning to a fandom i haven’t touched in 5 years and finding out one of my fav chars just got narratively butchered yeah i’m fine it’s cool 

[el-amor-te-libera]

#0715 HABITAR EN LA PRESENCIA (MaháChohán)

Comentario por Jorge Carrizo: Siendo verdaderamente caótica la situación política y económica en Panamá en 1988-89, recuerdo haberle escrito a Emmanuel pidiéndole "datos, procedimientos, meditaciones, etc." para resolver (o ayudar a resolver) la situación que nos hacía sufrir a todos, y la contestación que recibí... recuerdo bien... no la entendí sino varios meses después. Entre otras cosas, me decía, "no asumas la pavorosa e imposible tarea de rescatar a nadie o a nada. Por el contrario, concentra tu atención en el dulce paseo de recordar tu verdadera esencia (un ser de Luz) y permite que sea esa Verdad (en y por su naturaleza propia) lo que manifieste aquellos milagros por los que oras". Pues, qué les parece? Vuelvo a encontrar una enseñanza similar, esta vez MUCHOS años después y ahora en labios del MAHÁCHOHÁN, la cual ofrezco íntegramente como una amorosa ofrenda a todos aquellos que puedan considerar que su situación (ya sea personal, nacional o continental) es un desastre caótico que bordea la no-solución. (tomado de "Boletines Privados de Thomas Printz")

..........Ustedes saben que dependo de que cada uno de ustedes sea una Presencia Confortadora en acción para con toda vida que contacten, a través de su afiliación íntima con su propio Santo Ser Crístico, el cual es la causa principal de su existencia... ¡y el cual mora en el mismo centro de su ser! Cada Ser Cósmico, cada Maestro Ascendido, y cada ser angélico trabaja siempre desde el centro exacto de Su propia Divinidad [Godhood] y es por eso que la virtud que fluye desde él o ella lleva una bendición y confort a toda vida que toque. Recuerden también, amados Míos, que cualquier ser que haya alcanzado la Perfección de las Octavas Superiores, o que haya entrado a una comprensión del principio de vida antes de alcanzar el estado Ascendido, nunca permite que la energía de cualquiera de sus vehículos actúe independientemente de la jurisdicción de su Inteligencia Divina-ni tampoco permite a la energía de otro, prescindiendo de cómo ésta pueda expresarse, lo atraiga fuera del centro de su ser. Quien haya habitado en el Lugar Secreto del Altísimo morará bajo la Luz, bajo la Radiación, bajo la magnífica Presencia y Poder del Todopoderoso-y hará todo, entonces, a través de esa Presencia, la cual ÉL ES.

..........Cuando están tan centrados dentro del corazón de su propio ser, Mis amados, están ustedes en control de la vibrante energía que fluye en una corriente prístina desde el Sol Central; están magnetizado por la Llama Inmortal dentro de su corazón, la cual no espera mas la indicación de parte suya para fluir adelante llevando el perfume de su verdadero Ser, y la cualidad con la cual ustedes fueron dotados desde el principio y la cual es la razón de que hayan encarnado. Entonces ustedes, "elevándose en acción" en el centro de ese corazón secreto y santificado, se convierten en un poder que nunca puede ser sacado de balance.

..........Amados corazones de luz, ustedes desean ser una presencia confortadora para el Universo, y precisamente por ese deseo ustedes se precipitan desde el centro de su ser, adhiriendo sus energías mediante el pensamiento, el sentimiento y la misma carne a la consciencia de quienes requieren ayuda y asistencia-pero, de ese modo ustedes pierden su maestría y capacidad para ayudarlos y servirlos. Moren ahora, Mis hijos, en el centro de su ser y permitan que su luz y el Poder del Padre, fluyendo a través de su luz, flamee adelante y sea la Sanación, sea la Paz, sea el Control Equilibrado, sea la Presencia Maestra de lo que se requiera en un momento dado. No habrá miedo ni incertidumbre ni duda cuando ustedes moren dentro de su Presencia. Ustedes pueden ser TODAS las cosas y hacer TODAS las cosas cuando habitan dentro de su corazón.

.........Cuando moran dentro del centro del Gran Corazón de Dios, entonces en verdad el Padre se desplaza a través de ustedes. Sus ojos se convierten en rayos mediante los cuales Su Luz brilla, sus manos se convierten en conductores de Su Todopoderoso Poder, sus labios se convierten en los instrumentos por medio de los cuales Sus palabras son moldeadas y dirigidas al interior del mundo de la forma, sus pies se convierten en los pies de la Presencia Maestra moviéndose por el Universo, y su energía se convierte en un conductor, por siempre, de lo que sea que la Deidad [Godhead] desee hacer a través de ustedes en su lugar en el Universo.

www.serapisbey.com

[sovereignhumanity]

La Fuente de Tu Padre Proporciona El Padre proporciona Su Sabiduría y Amor a todas las criaturas. Su Resplandor fomenta la paciencia, entereza y pureza eterna… la cercanía en Él la descubrirás en la medida que permites que Su poder purificador eleve tu visión y refine tu carácter en los lineamientos de Dios. Todas tus idas y venidas desde el vientre de la carne se convertirán en el impulso para tu graduación de este nivel. Te volverás resplandeciente en la medida que caminas erguido con dignidad y devoción… determinación por el deseo legítimo de Dios. Será tu escudo, arco y flecha para comandarte a ti mismo como el Pastor Soberano de Salvington. ¿No es esto lo que buscas? ¿Estás creando tu oportunidad para la justicia y libertad? ¿Glorificarás la Vida de Dios la Primera Fuente Quien vive en ti? Verdaderamente… Yo digo que mientras buscas y encuentras la Divinidad Viviente en ti… no entenderás de ninguna manera las murmuraciones del Uno Eterno. Porque el Uno Eterno no está solo en la cima de una montaña separada de Su creación. Él es siempre y por siempre un lugar de llegada para que toda personalidad lo experimente. Él te está experimentando a ti incluso mientras buscas tu gozo en Él. Las Perspectivas Eternas del Espíritu serán como un exuberante paisaje surgiendo que baña a sus asistentes con la expiación. Él Es un lugar por medio del cual reunirás tus actitudes en fructíferos comportamientos que ungirán tu búsqueda… y derrocará tu auto-traición. La Plenitud del Espíritu del Padre… así como tu propia consciencia de todo corazón se convierte en el manantial de agua desde donde tu libertad surge. Emprendes un viaje hacia el Infinito el cual no tiene fin, ni llegarás a esta reunión de la manera como comenzaste. Porque Él te transforma en todas las formas… el purifica y limpia tu pequeñez y peculiaridades subjetivas. Nuestra Asociación para la Ascensión es un gran torrente… un viento trayendo los ajustes y avances que hacen de ti Su Personalización. Indudable llego a ti manifestando el Espíritu de Mi Persona. Te doy Mi Consejo… y siempre te ofreceré Mis Consideraciones para ponderar… contemplar… para incorporar tu propia Divinidad. He continuado dándote Mi Previsión… Mi comprensión retrospectiva, la cual tiene los lazos de la Sabiduría que embellece sus dones. Te aliento a convertirte en la Sabiduría Misma… Amor Mismo… para encarnar la misericordia como la Fuerza de la Luz de Dios desplegándose con todas sus capacidades terrenales. Yo agito las brasas del fuego de tu granero, las cuales… una vez en movimiento… serán como un faro… un anhelo que enciende tu mundo entero en llamas con la devoción dedicada a la Verdad y la Comunión Eterna. Michael Of Nebadon University Of Salvington Michael Of Nebadon Foundation http://universityofsalvingtonsociety.blogspot.com.co/2017/03/thine-father-source-giveth.html *** Thine Father Source Giveth The Father giveth his wisdom and love through all creatures. His radiance fosters endurance and everlasting poise and purity .. proximity to him shall you discover as you allow his purifying power to raise your sights and refine your character into godliness. All thine comings and goings from the womb of flesh shall become the impetus towards your graduation from this grade. Resplendent shall ye become as you walk upright In dignity and devotion .. determination of rightful desire for God. It shall be your shield and your bow and arrow to command thyself as the Sovereign Shepherd of Salvington. Is this not what you search for? Are you making of thine opportunities for justice and liberty? Shall you glorify the Life of God the First Source who lives in you? Verily .. I say that as ye seek and find the godhood living in you .. ye shall in no wise understand the murmurings of the Eternal One. For the Eternal One is not alone on a mountaintop separate from his creation. He is ever and always a landing place for all personalities to experience. He is experiencing you even as ye seek the enjoyment of him. The everlasting perspectives of spirit shall be as a lusciously emerging landscape which showers it's attendants with atonement. He is a place by which ye shall gather thine attitudes into fruitful bearings which anoint your seekings .. and overturn your self-betrayals. The Father is Spirit Wholeness .. and thine own  wholehearted awareness becomes the watering spout from which your freedom emerges. Ye undertake a journey into the Infinite which hath no ending nor shall you arrive upon this gathering in the way you began. For he changes you in all ways .. and he washes clean and clear thine pettiness and subjective peculiarities. Our association of ascendancy is as a great torrent .. a wind bringing adjustments and advancements that make of thee his personalizations. I do come unto you manifesting Mine Spirit Persona. I give you Mine Counsel .. and do I always offer to you My Considerations to ponder .. to contemplate .. to coalesce thine very Selfhood. I have continued to give you of My forethought .. My hindsight which hath the ribbons of wisdom embellishing it's gifts. I encourage thee to become wisdom itself .. love itself .. to embody mercy as an unfolding force of God Light in all its terrestrial capacities. I stir the embers of thine barnfires which .. once set into motion .. shall be as a beacon .. a craving which sets thine entire world aflame with the dedicated devotions for truth and everlasting fellowship. Michael Of Nebadon University Of Salvington Michael Of Nebadon Foundation http://universityofsalvingtonsociety.blogspot.com.co/2017/03/thine-father-source-giveth.html