#that’s less than 4 hours from now
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cancel the whole weekend im so tired
#brazilian gp 2024#now the fia is saying they don't want to push the gp back meaning less than the mandated 4 hours between end of quali and race#this is genuinely demoralizing ferrari has to build a car from scratch in under 4h verstappen is being strangled to death on live television#only good thing about this whole mess would be albon qualifying p2 and we're not even gonna get that#f1
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also i hate to admit it and i swear i DO understand the importance of them but fellas i fear i may be steadily morphing into a humanities hater
#the lack of required humanities teaching is likely directly related to why things are so fucked up stupid right now and they are SO crucial#but it is a fact that now every time i think about writing an essay i get slightly nauseous#specifically avoided taking any humanities classes this semester & ONE of my classes has an essay and im genuinely nervous abt it#i'm not a math whiz but at least it's more justifiable to be bad and hateful of numbers. shit has me- the chronic rambler- scared of words#im so. so sick of final projects. just give me a fucking bubble sheet i'm so serious it is significantly less stress and effort#why do professors act like writing a 5 page essay for 4 different classes is easier than filling out a piece of paper & leaving in an hour#and why does it feel like most of my peers AGREE. WHY WOULD YOU PREFER THAT#I GET THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE GET TEST ANXIETY BUT THAT IS LIKE TWO HOURS OF STRESS VS TWO WEEKS TO A MONTH OF STRESS I DONT GET IT#this is not a tangent because humanities classes will almost always have an essay instead of a test and it will almost always be an essay.#eye twitch. but as long as everyone else is happy about not having to circle things on a piece of paper i guess. its okay. its fine#anyway my other reasonings are that shit really is boring im sorry i cant. i cannot get into it i really do try my best#and also all the classes are annoyingly early which just really does not help their association in my brain#sigh. the humanities play a very important role in education and society as a whole and they deserve to be mandatory. get them away from me
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read in 2025!
it's that time again! i've been doing reading threads here since 2022, and i always enjoy them. as always, you can find me on goodreads and the storygraph.
The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie* (★★★★★)
Winter Hours: Prose, Prose Poems, and Poems by Mary Oliver (★★★★★)
The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden (★★★★☆)
Moon of the Crusted Snow by Waubgeshig Rice (★★★☆☆)
The Examiner by Janice Hallett (★★★★☆)
The Girl in the Tower by Katherine Arden (★★★★★)
A Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft
Just Another Missing Person by Gillian McAllister (★★★☆☆)
Beartown by Fredrick Backman (★★★★★)
White Tears/Brown Scars: How White Feminism Betrays Women of Color by Ruby Hamad (★★★★★)
Killer Potential by Hannah Deitch** (★★★★☆)
Alive at the End of the World by Saeed Jones (★★★★☆)
The Winter of the Witch by Katherine Arden (★★★★★)
Notre-Dame de Paris by Victor Hugo (★★★★☆)
Assata: An Autobiography by Assata Shakur (★★★★★)
*An asterisk denotes a reread. **Two asterisks denote an ARC.
#reading thread#talking to strangers#four books in already!!! i have set a relatively low goal for myself (30 books) because my goals are less numerical and#more about expanding my horizons / reading genres i usually don't / reading books that have been on my tbr for a long time#i'm off to a strong start for the year but i also know i tend to start off really well and then slump hard a few times later on#so we will see how it goes! anyway my thoughts on my first 4 books#i always start my year off with a reread of an old favorite so i know i'm starting with a 5 star read <3 hence the roger ackroyd reread#now not to brag or anything but i figured out who the murderer was the very first time i read roger ackroyd...#still absolutely diabolical though. second greatest mystery novel of all time (orient express will always win first place)#winter hours was good! very thought provoking and really made me want to write which is always great#the bear and the nightingale!!! i really enjoyed it and yes i did cry. i got the sequel from the library yesterday hehe#moon of the crusted snow was alright! i liked it a lot more conceptually than i did in practice tbh#anyway <3333 happy reading in 2025 besties!!!!
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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HE'S SO CUTEEEE i love it when he goes 👍🏽
#ash rambles 💚#mask off 🎭#this is like the third time all game he's gone 👍🏽#it's a mannerism of mine so i like to think he just picked it up from ash#they get together at the end of the first game so by this point they'd be together for like. three years#wow#holy shit#three years of being his gf...😳 ash is very lucky!#i love him sooo much#it's really easy to feel insecure about him but I'm trying my best to block that out. he wouldn't have stayed with ash for three whole years#if he didn't adore her! i think it would be cute too if k.aito even asks when marriage is on the table#to which s.ugiura laughs and says that they both don't want that right now#but maybe later in their lives#i know he shows up in IW... maybe then he's thinking about it..#anyways I'm going to bed now#i would stay up and play but. class in the morning#gn gamers#and sorry about all the s.ugiura posting skdjajdj i haven't been doing anything but playing the game#I'm talking 20 hours in less than 4 days#i... i should touch grass shouldn't i..
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Hey @mod, doing ok?
It's been one heck of a year, anon. One heck of a year. New shark dropped tho, very excited about that
#not disabled queer culture is#got a cane its purple and sparkly and i love it#entered into a lovely indefinably queer relationship with a fellow AAA battery :3#ITS ALL VENTING AFTER THIS TAG SORRY#moved to a new position at my job that is simultaneously so much better and so much worse for my health#pros: less standing more sitting; early day hours so im not feeling like my day is over the second i get home due to time blindness;#i get to go home pretty much as soon as im done with my work; its mentally engaging; i can have headphones in#cons: 4 am is when my workday starts; i come home and sleep the rest of the day; i'm working more hours than i realistically can#because the alternative is make my coworker work herself into the hospital and make myself have to work 60-70 hour weeks (aka: summer 2024)#because none of the people with any actual power to change that situation will listen to my proven to be extremely correct concerns#because they think im a stupid little kid#uhhhhh non work related. well kinda work related. the fatigue from work caused this#dropped out of college after flunking an entire semester's worth of classes#got put in the endless loop of 'we'll do a blood test' 'looks normal see you next time and we'll do another blood test'#tried to get in to see a doctor at mayo clinic#got rejected and basically told my case was too hopeless to put strained resources on#currently ive more or less given up on healthcare matters for now#so uhh yeah. we ball
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I had one of my worst nightmares yet last night (and that's really saying something) soo now I'm scared to fall asleep. which is just great because I already have so much trouble falling asleep!!
#the unfortunate thing about my new medication is that it definitely does make me stay asleep better.... which means my nightmares are just#incredibly long now.#how unfair is that. I wake up remembering what feels like a 4+ hour horror movie except I'm in it and it's 'real' to me in the moment#I'm so fucking jealous of people who don't remember their dreams#I don't know if I've ever slept and not remembered at least one dream. like. I fall asleep on the couch for 10 minutes and have a nightmare#don't know how sleep is ever supposed to make you feel rested when that shit is going on in your head#also I was awake for less than 12 hours again today (from 6pm to 6am. yes I fucking hate myself)#I'm useless I'm tired I'm giving up#personal
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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just purged through more than a ton of my posts. felt amazing.
#literally feel like levitating rn#got rid of a bunch of shitty bandom memes#that i reblogged when i was like 12#how have i had this blog for 4 years#wild#now this is more or less a purely percico blog#no more bandom no more cringy ass self deprecating memes#from when i was severely depressed in middle school#yikes#also can you guys believe i used to worship brendon urie#disgusting behavior#love panic (ryan ross) just not him#the internet is such a time capsule#like i can't believe how much better im doing now compared to them#more stressed but less sad so i'll take it#this blog feels so blank lmao#i still have 1k+ posts#but its actually all pjo which is the whole purpose#it took me less than a couple seconds to reblog all those random things#but over 2 and a half hours to delete all of them#holy shit
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everybody car free until it's time to go to the laundrymat
#laundromat isn't far from house on public transportation but I have 4 garbage bags full of things#that's gonna take no less than 5 hours to haul to and fo#good lord kill me now#bet the streetcar operator fushes at me#hoomigod
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twitter suspends me for "violent speech" seconds after i make a joke about tapeworm physiology but the overwhelming amount of people who responded to wednesdays shooting by blaming lewistons somali community are just fine? fuck offff
#like getting suspended was funny for a second and then i remembered the actual droves of violent speech under headlines whilei was trying to#make sure my classmate and her children were safe and checking in with my coworkers who go to lewiston auburn all the time.#when the pictures came out immediately somebody expressed disappointment that he wasnt black#every other comment stated “hes obviously middle eastern look he has middle eastern features” on a super blurry security cam screenshot.#im so sick of it. people died. we lost 4 members of the deaf community and at least 2 more were injured. one of the victims was 14 years ol#this is jjust i mean. on top of horrific zionist comments that go undetected because people controlling media and censorship just dont care#and actively promote israel propoganda and censorship of palestinian voices and resistance#sorry my thoughts are all oer the place. i am trying to continue to spread awareness and updates on palestine but this shooting happened#literally less than half an hour from where i live and work. lewistons community is intertwined with my daily life so i will be pretty voca#about it on top of sharing as much as i can on palestine#okay also to clarify i do not want to suggest what happened here is more important than what is going on in gaza rn.#i do not want to draw attention away from this genocide and i firmly believe focusing as much energy as possible into spreading awareness a#and donating/protesting/campaigning anything whatever is possible is most important right now.#overwhelmed as i am by the tragedy in my community it will never stop me from advocating for palestines freedom. i do not believe anyone#not directly affected has a right to “take a break” from this issue
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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my future when it comes to still being Active on social media is teebeedee, but my main resolution for 2024 is like...be comfortable w/ being completely offline even if it's just for a day or a week.
#the good news is that i don't check sm during the am hours anymore (by that i mean like as soon as i wake up i still need to work#on being less online during the after hours aka anything later than 9-10pm ish)#BUT i've learned that being active hasn't made my ppl pleasing tendencies better and that there are many many things i need to like#work on far away from places like tumblr and The Big Four#(that being ig twitter still not calling it x fb and like...reddit#though tbf i haven't been ACTIVE active on twitter + fb for almost 4/5 years now so theres that#i still lurk the former when i'm feeling REAL bored but thats rare these days which is an improvement?#though i also have to work on doing shit that doesnt involve online brainrot 24/7 aka reading and writing and like...watching media that#isnt like...football (soccer 4 the us/canada/aus folks)#but lb ruined my love of film for a LONG long time bc it values getting the most pop review over idk actually loving movies#idk its just me rambling abt my relationship w/ sm and where it stands atm perdon sghdjfhj#the tl;dr is i need to shut up and log off when my body is telling me to stop gsbdhjfghjikejr#be quiet drea
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daylight savings is scary and I am forever a summer hater. what do you MEAN if I stay up a few sneaky extra hours to allow my emotions to spiral completely the sun will be RISING. scary stuff
#i go back to school in less than a week ugh#i am going to be leaving the house in an hour and a half from now by next week#uughhh#ive had my average waking time be 2pm for the past 4 years how am i meant to break the cycle#😔😔#oscar.exe
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How do you afford living in Manhattan?
I don’t.
#old ass ask#but I finally wanted to answer it#asks#anon#serious answer in tags#nyc is just everyone working themself to death#it pays higher amounts but $20 in nyc is worth a lot less than $20 in say connecticut#i wake up 7-8 get home 23-00 and go to sleep at like 1-2#my hours arent that crazy unless i have OT but im paid less than people who work in finance or tech#which is most of nyc#i have a friend in finance and she makes slightly more#she has to wake up 4-5 and often goes to bed 1-2#but she’s projected to make a lot more than i am because she works for a major finance company#my [redacted] is in big tech so it pays very well and he’s fairly high up#but he stays at the office until midnight p frequently#and he has weeks where he’s on call almost the entire time#but he makes like 6x what im projected to make in a year from now#so it’s a very specific lifestyle is my point#live fast die young work hard play hard#also i dont live in manhattan#i cant justify manhattan rent currently#so i commute hence me doxxing myself and asking someone to come home with me from GC#i got harassed on the train that night lmfao#but the friend and [redacted] live in manhattan#so yes that’s the actual answer#as my parents say: your 20s are for slaving away at work#rough translation *
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im just gonna tmi-medication share in the tags real quick
#tales from diana#i want to preface this with i've been prescribed adderall as-needed for adhd for a fullllll decade now#don't come at me with anti-adderall or anti-adhd-medication bullshit im not here for it!!#but my health problems have been so bad and ive been getting the worst sleep of my life lately no matter WHAT i do#i can do everything right#and btw i do not take adderall every day. which is implied by as-needed but i want to stress again I DONT NEED IT EVERY DAY#only when i do like. work. which ive been doing less and less bc of health problems!#but even though i havent been able to physically work so much i still have been taking half-doses a couple times a week just to like. read.#just to have a brain to do ANYTHING when everything is so awful and my brain is so foggy#ive always *sometimes* cut my doses in half if im not doing so much. just to save it y'know.#and ive always also *occasionally* gotten worse or even a really bad night's sleep after taking adderall#most commonly i'll wake up absurdly early the next morning and not be able to fall back asleep#rationing sleep is always something ive been in the habit of doing anyway as a person w adhd.#sleeping 4-6 hours during the week and 10-12 hours on weekends. just to make up for the deprivation y'know.#but even lately cutting my regular dose in half. it's still too much.#my current dose btw is already half of what it was in high school! i decreased my dose already years ago#but yesterday i finally got the nerve to take. a damn quarter of my own pill#and i took the smaller quarter of the half i cut in half.#i was def taking less than 5mg of my damn medication#and i actually didnt sleep like complete shit! and i was also worried#it might not be so effective.#but it actually worked quite well. i had enough focus to read for several hours#i had energy throughout the day too#i sometimes try to do caffeine on days i cant/dont wanna take adderall but caffeine just does not do the addy things so effectively. iykyk.#i cant believe i have to be so skimpy w my own life-sustaining mental health medications just bc my physical health is so bad#but whatever. whatever!#im gonna take another quarter-dose today and finish pericles prince of tyre. have a great day everyone
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