#that was the whole lecture he put on some mozart and sat there with us through the whole thing

[ribbittrobbit]

one of my uni friends just had a baby and im losing my mind

[matthyeu]

you love mozart ― ktr.

pairing ⇢ kim taerae x gn!reader 

genre ⇢ angst, forbidden love, royal!au

warnings ⇢ slight violence, i find it kinda cliche but it’s cute

word count ⇢ 2.8k

synopsis ⇢ no one ever understood why a prince was so caught up in playing an instrument when there were people hired to play music, people like you. (part 2)

notes ⇢ this time on prince!zb1 who want to do everything but be a prince (ummm i just like royal aus ig??) + it is pertinent to my plans

a quick tune was all taerae needed before he started his mid-morning guitar session. it was really the only time he was allowed to practice his skills. early morning or late night would wake people, even when he tried not to. his father would always come into his room to lecture about the needs of other people before his outrageous need to play music. then during the day, he would be too busy doing other princely matters he didn’t even consider necessary. 

it was rare for him to let something distract him from his limited time to play; however, at the sound of another instrument’s melody, he couldn’t help but wonder who produced it. as far as he knew, the piano in the middle of the palace was for mere decoration, not use. there wasn’t even anyone who could play it!

but there you were, sitting at the piano bench and focusing on the sheet music in front of you. well, for the most of it. at some points you even closed your eyes, the movement of your fingers coming naturally to you as they produced music. 

“enjoy the music, son?”

he turned on his heel to meet his father’s gaze, the father who disapproved so greatly of his musical ambitions. 

“you’ve never cared for music, father. you always tell me i’m causing a ruckus when playing, so why hire someone to do the same. isn’t one of me already enough for you?” he pondered. 

“well, now that there is someone who can play–extremely well may i add–there should be no need for you to fiddle with your own instrument. leave it up to the professionals, the ones who actually spend their whole lives practicing to be able to play well. instead, do carry on with your own duties. more time means more things to be done.” 

as his father left, taerae could only look back at you, a slight jealousy growing in his eyes. how could someone be granted with a life where they were able to play music whenever they wanted? why was he granted a life of luxury and duties when he could have been like you? 

as much as he wanted to hate you for being able to live his dream, he couldn’t. how could he when you immediately stood up from the bench to bow upon opening your eyes and seeing him. he could tell you were kind, not someone he could hate for baseless reasons. 

“do you have a specific song you want to hear, your highness?” 

still, he could not face you so easily, for you still held a power he didn’t have, the only one he didn’t have. you held the power of freedom, the freedom to play music whenever you wanted to cheer people up, which was the only thing taerae ever wanted in his life. 

“no thank you. do carry on.” 

he walked away from you without another word. after all, if his father was using you as a means of diminishing his passion for music, it was in his best interest to not be discouraged by your musical ability. one day he would be like that too. 

it didn’t take very long for taerae to stop ignoring you. you sat at the piano day after day, playing music whenever anyone asked, whether it be the cleaners who wanted background music to work to or a visitor who wanted a warm welcome. it was hard to not become interested in the pianist who put everything into every note. 

that was why one week after your arrival, taerae couldn’t help but stand and watch you play as he was heading back to his room after a long day of meetings. he watched with a content smile on his face, taking in the music you played. you played more beautifully than any of the pianists he had seen in recitals. 

“your highness!” 

your exclamation forced his eyes open to see you standing in a stiff bow. a panic ensued in him, waving his hands around as if a sign to tell you it was alright. of course, you couldn’t see anything in your bowed state. 

“it’s far alright,” he attempted again with his voice, “it wasn’t my intent of scaring you. i was just enjoying the music. you can stand. no need to bow any longer.” 

upon command you shot back up, hands folded in front of you. you looked frightened, as if you were scared he would do something to you. taerae wouldn’t even think of doing anything. he admired having someone so similar to him in his home. 

“would you…like me to play something for you?” you hesitated, unable to look him in the eye. 

he tried giving you a reassuring smile that he was safe, but he didn’t know if that would reach your petrified state. “sure, that would be lovely.” 

immediately you went back to sitting on the piano bench, finger hovering over the keys to play. however, you didn’t begin playing right away. you seemed to be in deep thought about something, probably what you wanted to play for him. in the end, you couldn’t decide, and instead, asked a question to help. 

“do you prefer beethoven or mozart?” 

he chuckled at your nervous question, but answered quickly to ease those nerves. “i prefer beethoven.” 

you quickly flipped through your book of sheet music, trying to find the perfect piece to play to him. though, your frantic hands did make you drop several sheets, which made you even more panicked. 

taerae understood how you felt though. most people were nervous in the presence of royalty. he tried to make conversation, so you could feel a little more comfortable around him. after all, he wanted to know more about how your pursuit of your career came about. 

“how about you, whose pieces do you prefer?” he asked as you finally pulled the appropriate sheet music on the music rack. 

“me?” 

he nodded, “yes, who do you prefer out of beethoven and mozart?” 

you thought about it for a moment as you placed your hands on the appropriate keys to start the piece. “well, i prefer mozart. i think his pieces tend to be more fun than beethoven’s.” 

taerae’s smile widened seeing as you began to feel less tense around him, so he let you play. as you played, he recognized the melody more. you were playing one of his favorite pieces. 

“tempest,” he finally said once you paused your hands. 

you nodded. “i just thought you’d appreciate that one. a lot of people have asked me to play moonlight sonata, so i wanted to change it up a bit.” 

“sonata no. 17 is one of my favorites actually, especially the movement you played.” 

“really?” you asked, now turning to him, “do you enjoy classical music?” 

“very much,” he confirmed, “my father tries to get me out to recitals, hoping that listening to music would rid me of my need to play myself. it has only strengthened it.” 

“play? are you a pianist?” 

he shook his head. “no i could never play the piano. i like playing guitar when i find the time to.” 

“i’m sure you’re amazing for what time you have. i imagine it’s quite difficult to have time for yourself when you’re preparing to take over a whole kingdom. it sounds a bit tedious with all the meetings and whatever else princes usually do in their lives.” 

he rolled his eyes while leaning on the piano. “believe me, it’s a whole lot of gibberish and things i probably won’t even remember a week from now. it’s so boring to sit around while people discuss things i have no say in yet as i’m in no position of power. i wish i had more allotted time to practice, but i’m always doing these things. even now, it’s quite hard when i have to play to myself.” 

“then, would you perhaps want to play for me?” you offered, “no one would question any noise if it came from here. besides, i could be the audience you wanted.” 

it was an offer taerae thought he would never receive, so he went straight to his room to retrieve his instrument. perhaps, having you around wasn’t the worst after all. 

the next few weeks were filled with a lot of things, mainly you playing beethoven for taerae and taerae playing some of his own pieces to you. 

you two had bonded over many things. you both had told many stories, stories that would be far too long to tell only over the short amount of time he had between his work. instead, he often invited you over to his room past dark, when everyone was sleep and could not catch the pianist sneaking into the prince’s room. 

mid-talk, taerae winced at the way you played with his fingers, the calluses on his fingers stung in contact with your hands. you hesitantly pulled your hands away, but he nodded as an indication that it was alright for you to continue. 

“i just want to be able to play more. the calluses have been in development, but because my schedule is so irregular, it always seems to pain me more than needed.” 

“you just have to give it time,” you explained, “eventually the calluses will help you play more frequently.” 

“that’s just it! i don’t have the time even if they have developed. my father has so many other plans for me that i feel these calluses will just be a pain in my hands when i have to do something else. i can’t play the guitar when i have so many other things to do,” he complained. 

by then, you had already dropped taerae’s hands to pay more attention to him. you had to think long and hard about his predicament, but you eventually came up with an answer: “you should just tell your father you want to be a guitarist.” 

he looked at you and then leaned back, trying to find some sign of joking in your expression. why would you encourage him to defy his own father? why were you encouraging him to go against the king? he found no sign of that, just your stoic expression staring back at him. 

“you’re insane, how could i–” 

“taerae.” 

he looked at you, the seriousness not burning in your eyes. those eyes knew he was hesitating. 

“you want to be a guitarist. you don’t want to fill your day with whatever princely duties there are,” you laid out, “you shouldn’t have to give up on your dream because of a life planned before you even had a say in it.”

he sighed, taking your hand into his and barely feeling the tenderness of your fingers. there were so many things you didn’t know about his life, and he didn’t want you encouraging things that were impossible. 

“it’s impossible. i can’t–” 

oh you loved to cut him off. “nothing is impossible. dreams are for you to follow, not for them to stay as dreams. if you love to do something, you should do it, even if there is something holding you back. this is your life and, you get to live it for yourself. this isn’t a life someone else dictates for you. you are your own person. you can make your own decisions. you can follow your dream if you believe you can. i believe you can.” 

he wanted to believe you, but there were so many things that could go wrong. he leaned in further to keep the conversation close and quiet. such a risky topic made him fear more that someone may be eavesdropping on you two. 

“i’m terrified,” he admitted, “i’m terrified about what would happen if i go against my father. i’m terrified i’ll be left alone in this world if i try to follow my dreams of being a guitarist. i’m just terrified.” 

you held his shoulders, leaning in yourself to try to calm him down. 

“you will not be alone,” you guaranteed, “you will always have me. i am a musician, and i am happy with what i’m doing. i’m not living a luxurious life, but i’m happy. i don’t want you to be living a life where you’re not happy.” 

it was hard to understand the words you were saying. the close proximity made taerae’s main focus your face, especially your lips. 

when you found him not paying attention to you, you made eye contact with him, soon mimicking his actions when you realized what had him preoccupied. 

without much thought, you two closed the gap between you two, lips against each other for a brief moment. for a moment, taerae felt like his worries had all washed away, like he was finally free from his life. 

however, it did have to end eventually when you abruptly pulled away, clearly shocked at your own actions. you couldn’t believe what you had done. 

“i should go,” you stammered, getting up from his bed, “i hope you’ll listen to my suggestion. i just want you to be happy.”

SLAP! 

holding his hand to his cheek, taerae stared at the king. it was a cruel reminder that before this man was a father, one who should accept the decisions of his child, he was the king, one who only cared about raising the perfect future ruler. 

“you are a prince, not a guitarist. your main job is to learn about the ways this kingdom is handled because it will be yours someday. you have no time to play a role you don’t fit.” 

when he remembered your words, he was able to fight back. “the role i don’t fit is not the guitarist. it’s the prince.” 

the king scoffed. “you can’t deny what’s in your blood. it’s who you are, who you were born as. you were foolish to think you could. why even try?” 

he was silent, not knowing what else to say. he did, however, find some courage to speak up more when he realized his father understood more about his thoughts. 

“the pianist…”

“what?” 

“that pianist is the one who ruined you!” 

no, he couldn’t pull you into this mess. you only pushed him. this was the dream he had always had. you had nothing to do with it. 

“father, stop! this is my own doing. don’t pull other people into it!” 

that didn’t stop the king. taerae desperately followed behind the fuming man, pleading for him to not accuse you of something you didn’t do. he knew what the king was capable of, and he didn’t want you to face the consequences of his actions. 

still, he was useless, thrown away by his own father before watching you be tormented by someone much more powerful than you. 

you who were so adamant about him following his dreams. you who were so passionate about defending a love for music. you who were so brave in his eyes. they all crumbled down at the sight of the angry king. him being thrown by his own father only enforced the nauseating feeling in your chest. 

he wanted to speak, to yell so badly, but there was a knot in his throat. the only communication he had was in his eyes. i’m sorry.

even through the fear in your eyes, you managed to send one back. it’s okay. 

“you were supposed to put out the flame that was his desire to play music on that dreaded instrument. you only fed it more kindling.” 

“i don’t what you’re talking about your–” 

“don’t even try to lie to me. i have gotten reports of your exchanges after his works, how you talk for times when he passes about music. i’ve heard the way you’ve played for him and only gave him more reason to love music. and now, there’s no need for you anymore because you’ve proven to me that there will only be trouble so long as you are here.” 

the king looked back at his son, an evil look in his eyes forming. taerae knew what was going to happen. 

“away with you.” 

upon orders, several soldiers and guards came to your side. when you struggled, they only put more force on you, using your own body weight to destroy what you loved the most. every part of you would soon be gone from the palace, both yourself and the piano you gave life to. it was all his fault. 

when he tried to reach you, there were more people holding them back. he was powerless. finally, he found the courage to talk again, the knot in his throat untying itself. 

“i’ll find you somehow!” he called out, “i will! even if it does take a hundred years, maybe even more. just remember! you love mozart. i love beethoven.” 

taerae meant it figuratively when he said he would continue searching for you even past a hundred years. he didn’t know it would really be around two hundred until he could hear you play the piano again. 

[tbehartoo]

Bursting Bubbles

My piece for @thedjwifizine that can be found here. It's full of great art and stories. Check it out!

...

Nino looked up into the scowling face of his favorite seatmate.

“Here you go, Bubbles,” she said as she thrust a mango bubble tea into his hand. “One special of the day from The Boba Bar.” Her other hand slapped a small card onto his sheet music. “And here’s your other three week’s worth of drinks.”

“Aw, Alya you didn’t have to do this,” he held up the card. “This,” he grinned as he took his first sip of the drink, “you definitely needed to do.”

“Well you won the bet fair and square,” Alya huffed as she plopped down into her seat. “You really could find a way to get a harpsichord to sound rockin' when you DJ’ed Kim’s house party.”

“Scoops, I’m surprised you could doubt me,” Nino held a hand to his heart. “It’s like you’ve forgotten that music is my life.” He grumbled toward the music piece he’d been assigned, “It’s not like I’ve spent nearly three grueling years learning this European centered musical theory or anything.” Looking at her smirk he added, “Or that I’d hardly be the first person to experiment with combining old instruments to new music.” He thought for a moment before adding, “Or old music to new instruments.”

The next week it was Nino placing a gift card on Alya’s notepad.

“Your payment for getting me those sources for my music history essay, m’lady,” he said as he bowed to her.

“Nino, what-” she asked as she looked at the card “-what is this?”

Nino felt his face warm up, but he sent a shy smile in her direction as he sat down. “You were saying, the other day, that it’s been forever since you had a mani-pedi, but that they weren’t in your budget at the moment so I figured I’d get one for you as thanks for saving my bacon. I didn’t have time to track down those translations of medieval manuscripts for that Music Development in the Dark Ages assignment, but you did it without my asking.” He grinned at her, “You really took some pressure off of me and I appreciate it.”

She looked at him, back at the card, and back at Nino.

“I don’t remember saying that,” she murmured.

“You were picking at your nails because the color was coming off and said that you’d need to see if Marinette was free for a girl’s night so you could get her to do your nails again,” he said as he started to root around in his bag.

“That was two- three weeks ago?” she said, thinking out loud. She looked at him, but he was obviously avoiding her gaze. “I can’t believe you remembered that.”

His head tucked between his shoulders, a turtle pulling into its shell.

“It was easy to remember,” he said. “You had that sparkly red polish. It really drew in the eye. I remember thinking that you had the perfect hands for playing the piano right before you said it.” He quickly looked away again.

Alya was quiet for a moment before smiling up at him.

“That seems like a really nice compliment coming from a musician like yourself,” she reassured him. She looked back at the card. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this place.”

“It’s, uh, one of the local beautician schools,” he told her. “You were right about mani-pedis being a bit pricy, but my cousin is going there to learn to cut hair, and she said the girls in the nail class are crazy talented and eager to get someone not a relative to paint on, and it only costs about a fourth of what the pros charge.” He shrugged. “This way you can have like half a dozen manicures for the price of one.”

Alya lunged at him and caught him in a tight hug.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” she cried before releasing him. “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“Miss Cesaire, if you are quite done groping Mister Lahiffe I’d like to start the class,” the voice of Doctor Agreste cut through the lecture hall and every head snapped toward them.

Alya’s face was nearly as warm and red as his own.

“Yes, sir,” she squeaked as she pulled her arms back to her side.

“Now if we may?” the professor’s curt voice took control of the class.

“Groping,” Nino mumbled. “He calls one little hug groping.” He pulled out a composition that Madame Mendeleiev had assigned just that morning. “I’d like to show him groping.”

He was startled out of his grumbling when Alya whispered, “Me, too.”

Only three more weeks and I’m out of this class and I never have to see this man’s stupid face again, Nino thought to himself. At least after today it’s just student presentations before the final.

They had finally reached the Contemporary Era and the man was butchering even the easiest movements! And don’t get him started on the composers. He’d wasted over half the lecture trying to explain that Richard Wagner wasn’t really an antisemite, but that Nazi sympathizers, mainly Adolf himself, just liked his music so much and thought it expressed National Ideals perfectly! The man wasn’t even a composer in Contemporary times!

And that just served to take time away from some real pioneers of the era like Laura Anne Karpman whose music can be found literally anywhere. Or what about Meredith Monk who includes operas amongst her compositions, since Doctor Agreste seemed to be hung up over Wagner’s damn Ring Cycle. Of course he didn’t mention Yihan Chen the brilliant Chinese pianist and composer. And though the man would fawn and dote on child prodigies like Wolfgang Mozart all day, he wouldn’t give the time of day to “Bluejay” Greenberg who could hear several compositions in his head at the same time and then be able to write them with minimal correction.

Just, UGH!

Nino was done with this entitled little man and the racist ideology he’s attempting to spread about. He was certainly spreading something, but it smelled more like fertilizer than anything else to Nino’s mind.

He could tell that Alya was concerned about his agitation, he’d been clenching his pencil so hard he heard it crack, but he refused to look in her direction. She had a great talent for sniffing out these kinds of things and if he looked at her right now, he’d probably see his frustration reflected on her face and do something dumb- like start an uprising in the middle of class. He really couldn't afford to take this class again.

As soon as they were out the doors Alya started ranting about how it was obvious that Doctor Agreste didn’t even bother to check Wikipedia for sources. She made her opinion known that the good doctor didn’t like the era because more people were included in writing and performing it rather than just white, Western-European men who were either wealthy or had wealthy patrons. And stopped mid rant.

Nino looked at her and watched as Alya got an idea. By the look on her face it was a genius idea: an Evil and Genius idea if the cackle was anything to go by.

“Whatever you’re planning, I’m in,” he declared.

“I haven’t even told you my idea yet.”

“I can tell by your expression alone that it’s going to be the best idea ever,” he said with a smirk. “So want to let me in on our plan?”

She explained her idea and Nino’s eyes lit up.

“Oh, that man is going to regret crossing paths with us,” he chuckled. “Can you come over tonight? I’ve got plenty of stuff we’d need for the music portion of the presentation.”

She shook her head. “I need at least one day to fact-check my notes and another to find accurate sources. Are you busy Saturday?”

Nino thought for a moment. “I’m free in the morning, but I have a wedding I’m playing for in the evening.”

“Okay that gives me a little more time for research.” She smiled up at him. “So, Saturday morning we’ll meet up to pull things together?”

Nino nodded in agreement.

“Great,” she said, “That’ll give us Sunday to type up the report and Monday to practice for our presentation on Tuesday.”

“Tell me the truth, Alya,” Nino looked at her, “Is this too much? Are we crazy to put together a spite presentation in one weekend? At the end of the semester?” He brushed a bit of her hair out of her face and tucked it carefully behind her ear. “You already have so much to do for all your other classes. I don’t want this to be something that stresses you out or makes you do something that hurts you.”

Alya reached up and patted his cheek before replying.

“Nino this is going to be so much fun that I doubt I’ll even notice how much work it is,” she grinned at him fully. “I might pull an allnighter here or there, but I promise you that I’m taking care to not do too much. I wouldn’t have suggested this if I didn’t think we could do it.”

He held her gaze for a moment then sighed.

“Okay, let’s ruin this man’s whole career.”

She laughed loud and pulled him toward the school’s cafe. Obviously this called for copious amounts of snacks and his precious bubble tea.

Tuesday dawned bright and clear. A perfect day to teach about the subtleties of Contemporary music while simultaneously displaying the ignorance and prejudice of the most hated music teacher on campus. Nino sipped at his Thai tea with coffee pudding as he contemplated Alya’s plan of attack. It was a nice simple plan, but it needed something. Seeing a familiar outline hurrying across campus brought a smile to his face. The final nail in Doctor Agreste’s coffin just made itself known. He hurried across the quad to see if he could catch up with Madame before she reached her office.

An hour later he stood at the podium inserting the thumb drive into the computer for the projector.

“Good morning everyone,” Alya began. “As you all know we’ve had to jump over and through many musical ages and movements. That meant we had to skim through a lot of really interesting information. Nino and I decided to do a little bit of music through the ages for the Contemporary Era for you all. Now, get ready to get funky!”

That was his cue. He started the Powerpoint and Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” began to blast from the room’s speakers while Elmer Fudd stabbed a spear into the ground singing, “Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!”

“Welcome to Neoromanticism,” he called to those present.

The presentation went off without a hitch. Madame Mendeleiev had managed to slip in before their presentation and had stayed to the end of class. It was with great delight that Nino watched the Dean of the Music Department approach Doctor Agreste and congratulate him on the quality of his students’ final presentations. She even approached Alya and complemented her on the amount of research she’d done to be ready for the day. Then she turned to him.

“An adequate presentation, Nino,” she said with no trace of humor in her words. “Your compilation was a little heavy on the electronic music and light on the serialism, but I suppose that’s only to be expected with where your interests lie,” she paused, “and in light of the time constraints.”

He gulped and nodded his head. He knew she’d pick up on that.

“Please, send me a copy of your presentation at your earliest convenience.”

His eyes snapped up from the floor to meet hers. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining the slight upturn to the corners of her mouth or not, so he chose not to comment on it.

“I think I might incorporate it into my opening lecture next semester,” she remarked so offhandedly that Nino was sure he was hearing things. “It’ll be an excellent introduction to modern music for the freshmen.” She nodded to him before moving off to catch professor Agreste on his way out the door.

Alya was grinning from ear to ear and practically vibrating where she stood. He turned to her and had a fraction of a second to brace for impact as she’d thrown herself in his direction. Her arms were around his waist as she pulled him into a hug. He returned the hug with matching enthusiasm.

“We did so good!” she squealed.

He looked down into her grinning face and returned the smile.

“Hell yeah, we did,” he replied. “This calls for a celebration.” It was only then that he realized he still had his arms around her shoulders. Then again she was still holding on to him. He pulled back but kept hold of her hands. “I know you have another class in an hour, but do you want to go get boba to celebrate?”

She smirked up at him. “Only if you’ll let me treat you to dinner at Sabine’s tonight.” She looked to the side as she added, “And then we could go check out that concert in the park you mentioned yesterday.”

His mouth suddenly went dry. That sounded a lot like an actual date. Like a real date with this girl he knew he’d started crushing on some time this semester. What else could he do?

“Sounds great, but you have to let me bring pizza and dessert to our study date on Thursday night.”

Her laugh sent a tingle down his spine. “It’s a date!”

[cosmosogler]

today i got up soooort of on time. then i got distracted by the internet!!! so i was 2 minutes late for class. the air was chilly today though so the bike ride over to campus was gucci. perfect weather.

i took furious notes in both classical and quantum. classical today was “graded” by a professor who left the comments portion of the lecture very open-ended. we weren’t really sure what to say. i ended up kind of dominating the conversation even though i didn’t really want to.

gotta keep my trap shut!

after that we went to get spaghetti. i missed it, even though we only skipped one week. suzanne asked why i talk to my parents. that got me down a pretty dark lane of conversation. i tried to focus on how i wish i had a closer relationship with my siblings... but i’m still so angry. all the time.

eventually harrison said something like “we need to pick a different awkward topic before my day gets ruined.” 

and i said “OH. i’m sorry my life ruins your day.” 

i was mostly joking. he apologized but we did change the topic to “awkward topics.” 

then i went to group therapy. i had to fill out a survey beforehand. i thought about how i was feeling the last week or two. i only really started feeling like i had any energy at all yesterday-ish. so i kept my answers pretty low mood-wise. 

i only consciously lied on one of the questions because i wasn’t sure what the required response would be. and it wasn’t a big lie. i’m not really at “high risk” of killing myself. maybe 5%. right now at least i feel ok. the past week collectively though, i wasn’t feeling too hot. 

group therapy was... actually good? we tried to focus and dwell on some conversation topics even though most of us are usually lightning-fast about responding. i ended up talking quite a bit. they seemed worried. they also seemed pretty upset about the department thing, where the professors/coordinators lie about how your classmates are doing to try to push you to work harder.

one thing the group leader said though is “how can we help you?” 

i told her i’d get back to her on that. i don’t really know. i said hearing about their self care routines and comparing ideas helps. i have made adjustments to my routine over the last two months. pretty drastic ones. i haven’t yet been able to re-cram in time to meditate before bed but the podcast helps me doze off at least. 

i’ve been drinking more tea too and i think that keeps my stomach a little more settled. caffeine free so i can drink it with dinner.

i need to think a little more about what other people can do to help me. i don’t really have any hope of actually being helped any more. i still get let down all the time by the people who are supposed to be in charge. but like... you only get out of group therapy what you put in. if i can find a specific goal to achieve that these guys can help me get to, and how to get them to get me there, that’d be great! but i also might not have Problems if i am able to get that far? i mean, like, you gotta be pretty on top of things to know exactly what you need help with and what that help needs to look like.

after that i went to e&m. something about that classroom really throws me off, because in the last ten minutes of class my eyes started hurting AGAIN. like a cramp, almost? this doesn’t really happen anywhere else. reading for too long i just get a headache and then i grind my teeth which makes the headache worse. i tried some eye exercises and that helped for a few minutes but by then i was way behind and i was just tired. 

the frustration builds up. the professor will make a step that doesn’t make any sense and not explain it. someone will ask a question and he won’t explain it still because he thought the question was dumber than it actually was. he goes too fast. just little things, but millions of them for 50 minutes straight. and then trying to focus on the board hurts. maybe his handwriting is too small and it strains my eyes? maybe i get frustrated because he stands directly in front of his writing and his lecture is incomprehensible and the anger and anxiety make my muscles tense up which hurts my eyes? i dunno.

after class i checked my email and then biked back over to the group therapy building. but this time i went to the third floor. the person i was having a meeting with was like 10 minutes late even though i got there 5 minutes before my appointment. i took the time to update pokemon go since i haven’t touched it in over 8 months. i caught a murkrow and looked at the entei raid a few blocks over.

i want entei. not gonna happen at level 20 though. my strongest pokemon is 1400 cp. this thing was like 19000.

anyway this new person is annie. the student “care area” is not a therapy office but they can help coordinate between the drc and my department. we talked about maybe dropping e&m for now since the workload is getting to be too much. (i am 4 weeks behind in grading.) 

so i will talk to danielle about it tomorrow, and then see how i do on the test on friday, and then talk to both of them again next week. i’m a little stressed about the consequences of dropping the class. the financial aid requires a certain amount of credit hours. and we’re supposed to be done with classes by the end of our second year, and i won’t even have finished UNDERGRAD e&m by my first year if i drop it. and it’ll give me a glaring weak spot on my next round with the prelim right after new year’s. 

well, i haven’t talked about it with the drc yet, so i probably won’t get anywhere worrying about it right now.

at the end of group therapy i said that even though i like to complain, i will try to follow up with actual solutions more. 

it just seems like... most of the things i complain about don’t really HAVE solutions. or i’ve already made a decision about how to deal with them but they are still very difficult and/or stressful. my classmates said it might be a good idea to reach out to my brother more after he moves away for college because teenagers are super moody and just not very enthusiastic about talking to family members in general. so that just means being patient for another two-ish years.

after that i biked back to the office.

OH! I ALMOST GOT HIT BY A CAR THIS MORNING. it was like three inches away. they were making a left turn across the road i was riding down and they just... didn’t stop. or go and get out of the way. i had to pull a hard turn and swerve up on the sidewalk and i almost hit a pedestrian. 

it’s like they weren’t even looking.

anyway i got back to the office at about 5:15 or so. i took a 45-minute break to eat some food and walk around a bit and goof off on facebook. i felt a little better after that, and then suzanne helped john and i study for our e&m test. we covered the entire chapter, just the main ideas, but it helped a lot i hope. i had my mind blown once at least. i understand dielectrics WAY better now.

we got done with that at 7:10-ish, so longer than a full class period. i was exhausted and antsy by the end of it. i packed up my things, yelled at luis a little bit about the alphabet song since we’d been having an argument about it earlier, and then biked home.

he told me the alphabet song came before the alphabet and that’s why they are in the order they are. i think the vowels should have all been put together.

the alphabet song was based off a mozart piece apparently and copyrighted in 1835. TAKE THAT, LUIS! EAT IT!!

when i got home i made some dinner and hid some cookies around for snoopy to find. she was WAY more interested in looking for them after she watched me hide them. and also had some catnip that i put on her walk-through brush. then she seemed to realize for the first time that her cat bed has two levels, and the lower level had cookies on it.

she’s a goofy one.

by the time i finished eating it was after 8:30 so i watched a few youtube videos and checked the 9 o’clock updates. then i ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AND DID SOME GRADING. i got through 2 pages of a whole lab section, which comes out to 36 pages. i did that in about the same amount of time, and then i spent a few minutes feeding snoopy and preparing my daily planner for tomorrow, and then it was 10 so i started writing. now it is 10:43.

it feels like this week has been going extra slowly. maybe it is because i feel more focused so i am losing less time to the Void of the Internet? my breaks have been more... deliberate. i set aside 90 minutes to play smash bros, and then got back to work after i felt more relaxed. stuff like that. it was a lot of fun, too.

i am a little worried about friday, between the test and the fact that i have to have 9 sections of labs graded by the end of the day, which is just not going to happen. tomorrow i don’t even get to sit down and take a BREAK let alone do work until after 4. friday is busy all the way through 4 too. and today was busy through after 5.

AND i gotta start the classical assignment somewhere in there too so i don’t have to try to slog through a 12-hour assignment over the weekend yet again. 

tomorrow my labs ungraded are gonna bump up to 12. but i made progress today. i have doubled the amount of grading i’ve finished. that’s something, right? 4 is twice as much as 2, even if you need to get to 70. and then 20 more after that.

something good. i jumped right away to asking questions when i got to my meeting with annie today. i admittedly did not have time to look up their office before i got over there, but she was very kind and explained how their office was different from the drc and counseling centers and what they are useful for. we got a solid plan set and another appointment scheduled within 25 minutes. 

now i just need to apply that “here is how this will be helpful” authority to emotions i guess? i’m not very good at asking for help from peers. i do it a lot but that doesn’t mean i’m good at it. well, i can do academic questions pretty well. but personal help is like... a league of its own.

i think i did a good job making use of some break time today and then getting back to work when i was ready. i didn’t have a LOT of time today but i stayed busy at least. and i paced myself really well yesterday because i wasn’t miserable and exhausted today! 

well, i was miserable and exhausted. but not AS miserable and exhausted as i usually get when i work too hard for too long without breaks. because i took breaks!