#that theyd say things about me forever and they wouldnt be positive

[etchedstars]

sorry for the influx of darcy heartstopper posts its just that her arc in s2 is about how she doesnt think shes lovable and that she can't and won't ever come out to her parents for her own safety but she still somehow manages to be happy ., and i think it may have gotten to me a little bit

[android-anathema]

I'm terrified of people abusing me. i like when people are pathetic and controllable because it makes me feel safe. i like being in control, and yet more than that i want to be utterly helpless. the possibility of being hurt terrifies me to the core but the promise makes me blush. the idea of being controlled makes me feel disgusted until the control becomes overt and intense enough. and i often wonder, aren't i sick of these things? so why do i want them? i think the answer lies in what i want not looking anything like what ive experienced. its much more overt, and slightly more intense. ofc also i need to feel like i trust a sadist but even still. why desire it? i dont believe it comes from trauma. the idea of wires getting crossed seems insufficient and like i should have a fetish for insecure dweebs that are terrified to admit when they hit me and desperately want me to reassure them theyve done nothing to hurt me. crying and begging and screaming if i seem upset about getting molested and not having the nerve to rape me in a normal way they could conceivably gain pleasure from (who the fuck uses a stick???) but like i dont like someone with no capacity to emotionally manipulate me hurting me in the lamest ways ever and what i do like feels like it isn't even meant to be an idealised or romanticised version of this trauma. it actually mostly reminds me of play fighting with my friends at school. in which I'd often lose and they taunt me about it and act mean in a way that seemed genuine but like they were only pretending to care for the fun of being above someone. and it feels like I'm safe with someone strong enough physically and mentally to do this. if trauma factors into it i think its in the sense of being desensitised to violence and deeply desiring a feeling of safety and wanting to feel like my existence is being enjoyed and desired in the kind of way that comes most when its controlled or owned by someone else. but that's an escalated natural human need to be liked and enjoyed and used. everyone wants to feel like others get something out of them, even if theyd feel embarrassed rather than warm and fuzzy at the idea of it being called what it is, being used by others. so mostly i think its that the desensitisation to violence means i can want it at an extreme many couldnt stomach or wouldnt consider. but desensitisation is sort of the opposite of trauma, so thats not really 'this comes out of trauma ' so much as 'this and trauma share some root causes but evidently its not too related cos masochists have a pretty typical distribution of traumatic histories as a class of people'

which does in fact point to trauma being just as contradictory to my masochism as it felt. but that only feels bad when viewed through this expectation people have of masochism as a way to relive trauma. whether thats people saying "people use kink to cope" or saying kink is like just abuse victims feeling lost and confused when theyre not being abused. that isn't something i think is true for me at all but it is kind of hot. kind of like saying I'm well trained to be a good victim. one of the books my therapist mentioned says thats a thing some CPTSD sufferers do (no source cited) and honestly it sounds like they had to be writing that with one hand cos you cant convince me that's anything but just some fetish shit. but if i take it seriously it scares the fuck out of me cos i get scared I'm turning into my mum for real. but i think for her she's like fully bought into being helpless and needing to be controlled even though she hates it while i just want it for fun and cos free will is boring even if i am the best ever and everyone should do what i want forever. its like a self respect thing. she terrifies me cos i can totally see how one would have their self respect eroded to tolerating this kind of abuse but if i seek out things that are superficially similar i think that's a part of my self respect and a kind of positive affirmation that I'm worth being wanted in that way. its the opposite kind of 'i deserve this'

[saints-row-2]

what are nicu's most memorable missions from sr 1&2? i assume stuff like red asphalt... but other than that, maybe smaller moments that left an impression? also, what are their favourite activities from games?

god good fucking ask. also sorry it took me forever to answer it. 

obviously Burying the Evidence/No Time to Mourn where Lin died was kind of a shock to Nicu’s system... no one in their life had ever.. died before? so it was like the moment they realised 1) people fucking die and 2) revenge is the answer to everything. like they werent a particularly vengeful person before id say and this kind of really.. planted the seed in them of what theyd become in SR2 (which was obviously grown by Julius’ betrayal)

on top of that... Green With Envy was a big deal because it really cemented in Nicu how much they cared about Johnny and kind of the whole idea of like... having the power to save people and also having the drive to save someone. 

i can actually see Green With Envy being a good follow-up to No Time To Mourn; Playa’s shaken by Lin’s death but their abilities are re-affirmed by them succeeding in saving Johnny. Nicu was in love with Johnny from the get-go but i think the fact they like, had to save him? probably really... affected them somehow like i kinda like the idea it really gave them the belief they had each other’s backs... like from then on (and 3rd Street Vice Kings cemented it) they were really best friends yknow

(Green With Envy also taught them how much Aisha really genuinely cares about Johnny and vice versa and i think frm that point they were committed to never getting in between that)

battlefield promotion, stuffing the ballot and hail to the chief were kind of landmark moments as well because it was Nicu’s first taste of being in a position of actual authority and i mean. you can guess they liked it. 

i weirdly think Homeland Security was kind of important to Nicu as well? i think actively having to protect the Row really put a stamp on them somewhere subconsciously 

and then of course yknow the intro missions like Canonized, Back to Basics, etc, those really shaped Nicu in a big way..  the introduction to this world where their violent tendencies actually got them reward and admiration? the Saints really. painted who Nicu would be.

in 2... i dont think Red Asphalt had as much of an impact on them as Burying the Evidence because theyd kind of already been through a situation where a friend died and it was arguably “their fault” and like i see a lot of people saying that Carlos was Boss’ responsibility in a way that Lin wasnt, but i think also by that point Nicu had learned to like... compartmentalise guilt and convince themselves things arent their fault? like Carlos’ death -- and Aisha’s death -- they both like... helped convince Nicu that things in this world happen not because they themselves fuck up, but because people dont respect them enough and people are too dumb to realise fucking with them means theyre going to get punished. 

i also dont think Nicu like... felt responsible for Carlos in the same way they feel responsible for say, Johnny, who is essentially the love of their life, or even Shaundi and Pierce who are their closest friends. Carlos was a friend but he was also a member of the gang and while Julius went back on it... Nicolæ buys into the whole “Those two were soldiers, they knew the risk” line? like its a war, as far as theyre concerned. thats not to say they didnt mourn Carlos but like... theyre prepared for death and theyre not going to let the deaths of everyone they know (or anyone in Nicu’s case because theyre a bad person) rest on their shoulders. you feel me?

and then Bleeding Out... you know Aisha’s death was a lot. Johnny being injured so badly there was a risk he might not live? that was terrifying for Nicu like they knew at that point they wouldnt be able to cope if he died. for Nicu this was another reminder that revenge fixes everything! but for Johnny? it was the realisation that it doesnt, actually, which is something Nicu wouldnt work out for a while. i do wanna say it was like a turning point in their relationship tho.. like it wasnt just another time Nicolæ saved Johnny it was a real moment where they both like... understood each other’s vulnerabilities like even a Fraction? they were a lot closer afterwards i think.

Visiting Hours was probably one of the most important bonding moments for them and Johnny tbh. 

Bonding Experience and Assault on Precinct 31 were like big bonding moments for Nicu and Shaundi & Pierce i think... theyd never admit it but they came out of those missions appreciating their stupid friends a lot i think. like esp in Assault on Precinct 31 it was a whole “you need these people and you enjoy them��� moment. 

oh man and then of course, Revelation, which i am now CONVINCED comes somewhere at the start of the game, not at the end or whatever i said before, because it works so fucking well as part of Boss’ arc when you put it at the start. like kicking off the game with the Boss confronting and killing Julius before they go on to take over the whole city?? thats fucking powerful. that fuelled Nicu with so much anger and spite.... it really helped make them who they were throughout the whole second game because they werent just trying to get their city back, they were trying to prove that they could (to a dead guy..........). like it was a really... pivotal moment to them. it defined who they were for a long time, that need for revenge. 

god this is long enough already i should stop . please appreciate this im deathly ill it took me hours to write like every word. thank you for sending me good asks.

[sky-scribbles]

The Adaar Backstory, part 2

The saga of Inquisitor Talan Adaar and his family continues, with added angst and drama! First part is here. 

Part Two, in which everything goes wrong.

Happiness can’t last forever in any backstory I give my OCs.

When Meraad came into her magic, her family tried very hard to keep it secret. In Rivain, apostasy wasn’t quite as unforgivable as in other provinces, but they knew they might be shunned by their neighbours - their only source of coin - if people found out. Templars and prejudiced neighbours weren’t the only problem; Aban and Issala had always been taught that mages were ‘dangerous things,’ and while they didn’t believe for a moment that their sweet, shy daughter could corrupt anyone, they knew she could be vulnerable to demon possession. They also had no idea how to help her.

They considered leaving their home and travelling to find one of the famous Rivaini hedge mages, who might give Meraad some training, but it never came to that. One of their neighbours was, in fact, an undercover Ben-Hassrath agent who had been posted in the village to keep an eye on the family. The Adaars lived close enough to Qunari lands to be considered a potential threat, even though they didn’t raid and cause trouble like most Tal-Vashoth, so they were kept watched. The agent worked out that Meraad was a mage, and reported to the Qunari, who sent an Arvaarad to deal with the problem. Even if it was outside their official territory, they wouldn’t allow a Saarebas so close to their own lands.

Now, the Arvaarad in question was, as his kind go, not a bad sort. He genuinely respected, even cared for, the mages in his care, admiring their struggle against corruption and doing what he could to help them. He saw them as perfect embodiments of the self-sacrifice demanded by the Qun. When ordered to deal with this Vashoth mage, he didn’t choose what most Arvaarads in his position would have - just killing her and getting it done with. Instead, he decided that the girl should have a chance to be brought to the enlightenment of the Qun and serve her people. His superiors were willing to give him a bit of free reign, because he always got good results with the Karataams he commanded.

So Arvaarad led a small party to the Adaar settlement and demanded that they hand over Meraad. Naturally, the family refused. They tried to fight, but Issala - who had no combat skills - was killed quickly, and Aban was seriously wounded. When the Arvaraad grabbed Meraad and wrenched her away, Talan knew his best chance was to stay and heal his father rather than keep fighting and inevitably be killed himself.

As soon as Aban was healed, father and son set off together to find Meraad. Talan had to say his farewells to Aisha - who was heartbroken, but who completely understood that Talan needed to save his sister, and that it was too dangerous for them to ever return to the village. Years later, I think she’ll get wind of the fact that her former boyfriend is now Inquisitor, and will travel to Skyhold to see what she can do to help. She’ll end up as an assistant to the Quartermaster (she’ll end up doing half his work for him), and maaaybe will eventually get together with Cullen.

Now for a completely new bit of backstory.

In my most recent Inquisition playthrough, I found myself chatting with Bull about Seheron. For some reason I don’t think I’ve had that conversation with him before - I must have somehow just missed it - so when he started talking about the Fog Warriors, I was suddenly struck by something. Fog Warriors use alchemy to create fog, then attack from stealth.

Talan Adaar is a Tempest rogue, a talented alchemist, and a stealth master. He, along with his father, also spent years tracking Meraad across Par Vollen and Seheron. He despises the Qun-loyal, and knows how to survive in the wilderness.

It suddenly seems obvious to me: Talan and his father ran with the Fog Warriors for some of that time. That was where Talan went from someone who whipped together useful potions for his family to sell, to a man who used potions in combat. That was where he learned to melt into shadows, despite being six foot nine and built like a mountain. The Adaars probably had a mutually beneficial exchange with the rebels - they fought with the Warriors, and the Warriors helped them get information about where Meraad might be.

Talan found a second love with the Warriors - one of their number, a young woman whose name I haven’t decided on yet but will possibly be called Hasa (and there’s a slim chance of me someday creating her as an Inquisitor.) She was born a Fog Warrior, knew Seheron and the art of alchemy-aided fighting like the back of her hand, and was rather amused by Talan’s ignorance. Though a little snappish with him at first, seeing him as having lead a soft and easy life while she’d been fighting since she was a child, she took him under her wing and taught him the Fog Warrior arts. Thus, Talan became a dual-wielding rogue and gained the abilities he’d one day adapt into the Tempest arts. He and Hasa shared a deep love, but for a painfully short time. The Warriors unearthed a lead about Meraad, and Aban and Talan had to leave to pursue it.

So, what was going on with Meraad all this time?

The Qunari brought her into he Saarebas life with double their normal force, believing they had to stamp out the taint of her having lived in the world outside the Qun. Meraad, crushed and suffering both physically and emotionally, accepted what she was told about being a monster and her magic being a vile destructive force... but she never forgot her family. She didn’t forget that she loved them, and while she never harboured thoughts of rebellion or escape, she refused to forget her childhood. She even created a secret method to remind herself of her former life: every night, she recited the Qun chant (as best as anyone can whose lips are sewn shut) that includes the words, ‘meraad astaarit, meraad itwasit, aban aqun.’ To her Arvaarad, it seemed she was just being an obedient Saarebas reciting the Qun, but she was of course reminding herself of her real name, and that of her father. Often she’d add, on finishing, ‘this is the truth, and all else is dust’ - thus working in her brother and mother’s names, too.

She lived like this for five years, until Talan and Aban tracked her down using the Fog Warriors’ information. She and her Arvaarad were being sent, along with a small military force, to take out some troublesome Tal-Vashoth bandits. It was the first chance the Adaars had had to rescue her when she wasn’t accompanied by other mages - they knew that killing her Arvaarad would lead to any Qun-loyal mages in her Karataam killing themselves, so they had to wait until Meraad was the only mage in the group.

Thus, as the party travelled, the Adaars interrupted them en route with some alchemical fog. While the Qunari were blundering about in it, Talan and Aban took out a few of them with some well-aimed stealth strikes, wounding the Arvaarad; then Aban managed to lead the bulk of them away. Meraad, knowing she was expected to stay with her Arvaarad at all times, stuck with him while the rest of their group rushed off after Aban. It was the perfect opportunity for Talan to break his cover and challenge the Arvaarad.

When Arvaarad saw what he thought was a Fog Warrior looming out of the mist, his first thought was to protect his Saarebas charge. He jumped in front of her, tried to parry Talan’s blows, but quickly realised he was at a disadvantage. He shouted to his Saarebas to help, and she obediently raised a fireball to do so - and it was in that moment that Talan shouted her name, and she finally recognised her brother.

Without really thinking about what she was doing, she directed her fire at the Arvaarad instead.

A moment later, she was utterly terrified by what she’d done, but Talan was able to calm her enough for him to destroy her control device and unlock her chains. Moments later, Aban joined them, but he didn’t have much of a lead on the Qunari - they’d finally realised he was trying to distract them. The Adaars ran for it - but as they did, an Ashaad (maybe even one of Aban’s former comrades, for maximum angst) hurled a spear at him that struck him in the back.

Aban wrenched it out, hurled it back at their pursuers, and told his children to run. He knew that with his wound, he’d only slow them down - so instead, he stayed, and bought Talan and Meraad the time to escape with his blood.

With the stealth skills he’d been taught, Talan was able to get Meraad to safety and lose the pursuing Qunari. Their struggles, though, were far from over.

Part 3