#that sounds so fake i've felt 17 forever

[bixiaoshi]

one month until my birthday

[dyldontdoit]

everything feels like it's just how it should be. I'm content with where I'm at and where I may or may not be going. I know with absolute assurance that God is with me. More trials and tribulations are to come but I'll continue to speak otherwise into existence without sounding overly naive. The consequences of my rock-bottom choices aren't going to hinder me so much as I thought they were. The stipulations are going to be a big change but maybe that's the change that I need; to set me straight and keep me in line so to speak. I don't remember the last time I was completely sober for more than a month since I was like 17. Now that I can't get high I feel like I'll be released from the problems that stem from my drug use. Almost all of my issues and troubles can be traced back to my desire to use. Deep down inside I feel like God has never wanted that for me, I know for a fact He's tried to get through to me through the drugs that I used, most commonly my drug of choice. After a few "spiritual awakenings" and feeling like I'm condemned and going to die I think I came to the conclusion that God understood that I was going to get high so He said I'll have to engage him through his experiences and I always felt wrong for having to come to the realization that He didn't want me wasting my time on drugs through a so called "divine experience." I was getting high to forget the outside world and not think about the important stuff. He couldn't get through to me there so he came to me in my stupor. Initially I took everything in and tried my best to absorb what He was trying to show me but that only lasted for a short period of time until I was back to my same old self not retaining any of the wisdom and truth that He was so eagerly trying to get across to me. Over the years my experiences with drugs just got more dull and more average, played out, predictable, mediocre, etc. shit just got lame and boring. I've been burnt out on it all but there will always be something inside of a user that tries to draw them back in like it'll be different this time and you're always going to want to gamble with the odds of having an incredible experience like in the good ol days when you were more subseptible. That's the definition of "chasing the dragon" and I don't want to chase something so fake and so cynical anymore. Honestly it'd be literal insanity for me to keep putting myself in such a viscous cycle for any longer. Not to mention if I piss dirty I'll probably go to prison so I can't be doing all that my life is more important than a short lived high. I'll keep it real though a nigga really just feels like kicking back and burning one sometimes just to balance out my mood, make things more tolerable, and relax. Don't get me wrong I've been sober for a minute and eating hella healthy lately and I honestly feel awesome like high on life but a sesh sounds nice sometimes. Hopefully Texas legalizes marijuana during the course of my probation, probably not though. I'm really not even worried about all that right now. I'm just happy that all the court shit is over and done with. A charge got dropped so I could get probation on another and it all worked out perfectly. I have a great labor intensive job that I'm only going to excel in because I like challenges and dangerous situations. My family and loved ones are really looking out for me now and I honestly feel like they're going to help me out a ton over the next few years. I have a beautiful girl that treats me too fucking good and would literally die for me. I'm trying to keep up the momentum on this eating healthy kick I'm on, not to mention my hair is growing back in so nicely I'm starting to look like my Fabio self again. I finally feel like I can maintain my abstinence from drugs and above all else I have found God in my life, or God has found me. He's fortified my faith, lifted me up and given me a second chance so that I may live in His glory. I'll forever be greatful for the things that have happened to me because they have shaped me into the person that I am today. sanctified.