#that somehow when we were just talking it got to me taking anxiety pills and why I'm taking them and dad explained that I said I had

[missmyloko]

Getting To Know Me - Part 7

On The Second Day of Fun I present... more about me! This one's pretty personal and something that I've wanted to write about for a long time as I know that this affects many of you as well. I want you all to know that you're not alone and that you can still succeed even with challenges put ahead of you. I don't exactly hide it, but I also don't go around advertising that I suffer from various mental illnesses. I think it's amazing how far we've come as a society even in the past ten years when it comes to talking about such a subject, but there's still plenty of work to do, especially around the stigma of having a mental illness in the first place. For something that will affect every adult at some point in their lives, with at least 25% of the global population suffering from chronic conditions, we need to make these "invisible" diseases visible, so I'm going to be doing my part for that today. Back in the 1990s when I was growing up there weren't really any mental health supports for children, which is a shame as I could have been diagnosed much sooner than 16. I had major depressive disorder by the time I was 12 and generalized anxiety disorder materialized not too long after that. The worst thing about being undiagnosed wasn't just that no one knew what the heck was wrong with me, but rather the panic attacks. I only learned what a panic attack was after my sister was diagnosed with them, and I had realized that's what I had been experiencing for years. I look back and wonder sometimes how I survived those days when, and I kid you not, I would have over 30 panic attacks each day. Nothing particular set them off, they just happened because my brain was just that imbalanced. So, my sister got diagnosed, I realized that's what I had, and I went to the doctor to get diagnosed too. Originally my parents were against me taking any pills because they thought that I was making it all up and that the doctor had somehow been mistaken, but soon the medication managed to prove them wrong. My panic attacks stopped. My grades shot up. I started making lifelong friends. I was a changed person, and for the better. My only downside was weight gain that no one told me about being a side effect. I had gone from being a 110lb twig to a 160lb well, me, in a matter of months. When that medication stopped working I ended up losing the weight, but being overweight in your final year of high school isn't exactly a plus. Besides that, high school ended on a decent note, and when I eventually went to university everything started okay, but that was a whole new stressor, and with it came another challenge: another new diagnosis. At 20 I became formally diagnosed with OCD, and I don't mean just small ocd but BIG OCD. I don't know if it was the stress along with my medications not working to their full potential that triggered it, but it was bad. Intrusive thoughts, repetitive rituals, and counting had taken over my life. I don't really remember how quickly it came on, but I do remember how much of my life it took over, how many excuses I made to try and hide it, and how thankful I was that I was able to get help relatively quickly in order to see a social worker about doing CBT and other programs for controlling OCD. To be continued in part 2.

[thygoddessouijathicc]

Legacy Gets Anxiety Meds, Becomes Normal, And Turns The Flipside Into A Dating Sim

(Disclaimer: Another Ouija joke fic as it has been proven this is the only thing I can do consistently and I have way too many ideas for it. I will get back to my standard long serious fics but not yet.

So basically as you may or may not know, I’m pals with Iral the Great, we were joking in a GC about the Legacy face as well as an old rational I made that stated the eye dilation is because of adrenaline and Legacy must have chronic stress. And then I decided to make this fic.

Also the Flipside becomes a dating sim. I just thought that’d be funny.

Gets kinda weird.)

Legacy walked down the road, blasting people as he went with his sawed off shotgun. He had recently been to therapy… it didn’t help much, he’s pretty sure the therapist quit the profession. Rude.

Well anyway, one good thing came of his therapy.

He’d been prescribed “anxiety” meds!

He couldn’t wait to get high on those.

And no there’s absolutely no way those are regular anxiety meds, psh, how stupid would that be. The therapist has got to know he’d kill them for that!

Legacy arrived at the pharmacy and shot everyone ahead of him in line like the normal, normal man he is.

The clerk trembled as he handed Jacky-Boi his anxiety meds. Legacy shot him in the fucking face. No witnesses.

Legacy took one of the pills��� he vibrated, had a seizure, and glowed…

Then his face suddenly turned back to normal.

“What the shit?” Jack asks, as he sits up after his fit.

Jack then remembers everything he did as Legacy and screams in frustration. “HOW THE FUCK DID I EVEN *GET* HOT SAUCE IN MY DICK!?!?!” He yells.

Jack stands up. “Well, Furry Dave is dead, I guess I still got Cabinet Man Dave.” Jack sighs. “He’s pissed at me, since I broke my promise and then blew up my sister’s soul.” He starts walking home to go try to get back with his ex who lives in an arcade machine.

.

.

.

Jack arrives at his arcade machine, after showering to wash off the gallons of blood that was covering his body of the last 3 months.

He knows he probably can’t go in the game because… well Dave is pretty pissed and might try to kill him.

So Jack just messes around with the machine for awhile using a tutorial he found on YouTube.

Once he finishes he starts to walk around the Flipside using his new anime boy avatar!

It takes 3 hours to find Flipside Dave, and as soon as he does the encounter starts.

“Well well well, look who’s back. I guess killing your sister and later ME wasn’t enough for you you just HAVE to come back and finish the jo- Wait why do you look like that? Why do you have hair? Why do *I* have hair!? WHAT DID YOU DO OLD FUCK?!” Dave yells through the machine.

Jack uses the joystick and the buttons to slowly type, fuck he should have attached a microphone or speaker or some shit.

“I took my anxiety meds and then turned the flipside into a dating sim.” He types.

“…What?”

“I killed Davetrap and you were the next best thing.” Jack types.

“Wow. Great to know I was you second choice after my rotting corpse in a fursuit.” Dave says.

Jack notices the relationship bar in the corner, already at -345, go down to -420. Nice. Wait no not nice. Jack presses the undo button, erasing Dave’s memory of what he said last.

Dave screams. “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO TO ME! I FEEL LIKE I JUST DIED AGAIN! Wait… you turned this into a fucked up dating sim!? Why the fuck did you even do that?!?”

“When I regained my sanity because of my anxiety meds I knew I fucked up. I knew this was the only way we could talk without you killing me.” Jack wasn’t ENTIRELY lying. He had more motives than that for a DATING sim, but it was mostly true.

“So the first thing you do is stick me in a dating sim against my will, and not try to somehow bring back your sister’s soul you OBLITERATED.” Oh shit when did Dave get SMART.

“I don’t know how to do that. And I knew I’d probably have to reconcile with you first. Maybe you could help me.” Jack types. Holy shit the relationship bar went UP. By 3 points but still.

“But wait… why do I have a… relationship bar??? Yeah I can see that by the way. I can see you too. Why did you choose a dating sim of all things to put me in?”

“I don’t know. It was the shortest tutorial?” Jack smiles awkwardly.

“So rather than putting me in any other kind of game, which you apparently could do, you stick me in a girly anime dating sim with a relationship bar, a mood metre and fucking cherry blossoms falling from the sky constantly?! Wait YOU BASTARD! YOU DON’T CARE AT ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU DID YOU JUST WANT TO-“ Jack resets.

“Ugh… that feeling again… the fuck is that.”

“Its the only type of game that didn’t have a battle menu.” Jack types.

“Well I guess that makes sense… my head hurts… You’re… doing that face again…” Jack freezes, and runs out of the room. “Hey where the fuck are you going!?” He looks in the mirror to see Dave is right, he is doing his Legacy face again…

Shit. He WAS enjoying having Dave at his mercy like that way too much. Ok, no more lying, and no more pressing reset. Jack takes another pill, and another for good measure, before re-entertaining the room.

“I’ve been lying to you. I stuck you in a dating sim because I was being selfish and wanted you back as quickly and easily as possible. I’ve been treating you like a regular game and that’s not fair to you.” He admits.

“No, it’s really not.” Ok shit, yeah, Dave is very mad at him. Relationship dropped sharply. He deserved that.

“I’m sorry Dave.”

“Not gonna cut it, Old Fuck.”

“Then what will?”

“I dunno, maybe STOPPING HIDING BEHIND YOUR ANIME BOY AVATAR AND HAVING AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH ME!?”

Ok yeah, that makes sense. “You promise you won’t punch me?”

“I promise.” Dave says. Jack finally enters the machine, taking over his avatar’s body. He can still see all the dating sim stuff, but Dave is now back to his normal self, rather than the weird anime boy sprite.

“Ok, I’m here D-“ Dave immediately kicks Jack in the balls. “OW WHAT THE FUCK DAVE!?!?!?!”

“I didn’t punch you.” Dave says smugly.

“F-fine… I guess I deserved that.”

“You did. If this stupid dating sim allowed for any more than that I’d stab you.”

“…And I’d deserve that too.”

“Why’d you do it, Sport?”

“Do what?”

“All the kiddin killing, the lying, Dee-“

“Henry. He got in my head. I don’t know how. He convinced me I had to continue his legacy, and that killing your souls would set you free. It’s part of why I took out Davetrap too.”

“Look… Jack… I… I might be able to forgive you. But not yet. Just… give me time ok? And take me out of this fucking dating sim I keep choking on cherry blossoms. And I know I can’t die, but it still fucking hurts.”

“I know… I’m sorry I did this to you. The whole Dating Sim thing, treating you like a shitty video game, lying to you. I’ll take you out. You deserve better than this.”

“It’s a start.”

(Note: Ok I’m sorry this is so stupid. It ended up getting weirdly emotional and cringy. But whatever I’ll just write more meme fics to make up for my sins.)

[insultmom]

Life interrupted

So, I'll try to keep this brief. Things have been rough. I recently started a new medication for depression and anxiety. I believe mental health shouldn't be a stigma, and shouldn't be something that is just pushed under the rug, which is why I am writing this.

Anyway, I started Effexor. Went on vacation with my mom and had a wonderful time, we went to Key West. By the day that we returned home, I had been on the medication for 6 days and was starting to feel weird. I couldn't really even describe how I felt, except to say it started to feel like an out of body experience. I went back to work the next Monday and started my week. Day by day, the feeling got worse. My anxiety was so bad, I couldn't even sit down to relax when I wasn't working. So... I pretty much worked 24/7 for several days because I did on-call at night several days that week. By Friday I was a mess and needed to leave work because I couldn't even concentrate. I was anxious and I was getting paranoid on top of everything else.

I got home, couldn't even sit down because I had so much on my mind. I talked at length to my step-dad about work and he had some good advice for me and told me he thought I was overthinking things, which I definitely was. Mom got home soon after and had picked up my son for me, and we all went out to dinner that night. I don't remember much about dinner, but mom said I was just staring a lot and seemed "out of it." I stayed up late that night talking to my son, and things just got worse. He went to bed, and I was suddenly paralyzed with the thought that he was going to die. I was worried he would take pills I had in the bedroom, even though I had no basis whatsoever for my fears. I kept going in to check on him and make sure he was still breathing. This went on all night...

By morning, I was a mess. Mom got up and we were just having coffee and chatting, and all of a sudden I just looked at her and said, "I need to go to the hospital."

The drive to the hospital was quiet... we talked a little bit, but I was at the point that I couldn't put together a coherent thought. My mind was too scrambled. I tried to explain, that it's not that I want to kill myself, or that I want to die. It's that I feel like I won't be able to stop myself from hurting myself, and I'm convinced already that somehow, someway, I'm going to die today. It's hard to explain, and even harder to understand I imagine if you've never been in that dark hole.

I don't remember much after that. I know they ran a bunch of tests, I know at one point, which was heartbreaking for my mom and son, I tried to get up and leave and they held me down. It was awful... I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

Next thing I know, I'm at a psychiatric facility. It's not pleasant, I couldn't have my belongings, my jewelry, my cell phone, my pillow, nothing. I was allowed to have certain kinds of clothing, nothing with strings, zippers or buttons. and that was it.

I spent 9 days there. Maybe sometime I'll talk about it, but not now. It's still too real. Too close. Too vivid. My memories of that won't fade quickly I'm afraid.

Anyway, I'm home now. I'm getting better every day. I'm going back to work this week. After some significant medication changes, I'm feeling back to myself and the way I used to feel, which is good.

There shouldn't be stigma to mental health. There still is, and that's a shame. Whether or not Iikes for writing this doesn't matter to me. I just needed to get it off my chest and put it out there. I need to release it and let it go, and this helps.

[evil-wakes-in-vengeance]

Somehow I don't think you'd rather eat your own eyeball. And there is no restraining order, they're called bail conditions which aren't even necessary at this point. I haven't been any where near you or Milton for god knows how long now - a long, long time, and I have no intentions of imposing myself. I've sent the odd message now and again and we've had a couple of 'pleasant' convos since, but that's about all at this point. As I said, I lost my shit way back then. I don't want you as badly as you think though, I just miss you now and again. It's a weird mixture of lust, loneliness, nostalgia, and I miss the intimacy we had and obviously that's past it's sell-by-date but I'm not sat in a dark corner of my house rocking back and forth over it. I've got shit going on, but you'll of course exaggerate the amount I've messaged you.

Apparently any opinion that differs from your perception of yourself is gaslighting now too. How does that even make sense? You think I'm trying to fuck with your head, when actually, I just had a moment where I thought about everything, and I got myself in a mood and vented to you because this was a two sided relationship and we both made mistakes but you don't see the ones you made. As for most dudes trying to be with you, am I even wrong? Please show me one male friend of yours who hasn't even at the very most hinted they either fancied you, or wanted more with you at some point? I'll wait. It's not fucking gaslighting if it's true. And you don't even know what "Red Pill" mentality is. It's not what you think it is, i.e, how 2 fck loadz of bitchez and shhit. I was getting girls way before I ever even knew what Red Pill was. It's fuck all to do with that.

"you claim to have abundance and awareness , yet your heavily clouded by your own brains intrusive thoughts , and my gosh do you believe them , your not in control nor do you have the great self discipline you for claim you’re controlled by yourself , delusional and entitled narcissistic behavioural tendancies." Oh no! Kirsty is gaslighting me with her opinion! That's fine that you think that. Anyone who deals with anxiety has a heavily clouded brain. You should fucking know that Freud, since you also deal with it. And I don't believe every intrusive thought that comes into my head, don't be silly. You say I don't know you, but you clearly don't know me either. I never claimed to have great self discipline. I've admitted about a thousand times how many mistakes I've made, it's pretty fucking self-evident that I'm not perfect, duhhhh. Maybe you should realise you're not too, and I'm not talking about your looks which you seem to be obsessed with.

If only I were a woman so I could cry about how men victimise me, but never actually take into account any of the mistakes I might be making in relationships.

I said I didn't give you any reason to mistrust me in the beginning. That's clearly what I said to you. "Early on". And I didn't. Because of the way Will treated you, shat all over your commitment to him by sleeping with all of the easiest, trashiest lays in New Milton you naturally ended up traumatised as fuck (partly your own fault too for not having the "discipline" to break up with him sooner), and then you projected all of that mistrust on to me in the beginning. Was it fair? no, but I understood. I had the same doubts and fears as you because of how much I was betrayed in the past. Shit happens. Just recognise it.

Despite ALL of that said. I don't hate you at all Kirsty. I'm mad about what happened and I wish I could rectify it.

As far as I was aware and told by Molly there was a restraining order which meant immediate arrest if you came near me or Luna. And it is absolutely necessary , abd I'm glad you only miss me a little bit but enough to make various accounts and find a way to contact me ? Look what can I say I'm a decent girlfriend lol , I give to much and try my best , and I'm sorry but the only things I will be held accountable in the relationship was not leaving sooner , I genuinely genuinely cannot fault myself in any respect when it came to being a girlfriend , maybe I'm not as affectionate as I could be and my sex drive isn't the best but I'm on fucking fluxontine I'm cutting myself a break there. The only toxic behaviours I believe I exhibited would be reactive abuse when I finally started to lash out about the way you where treating me , which is exactly what happened with will. And I should have ended both relationships way before they broke me entirely . I'm very aware I'm not perfect I'm far from it I'm extremely messed up , I have a lot of physical and mental issues and I'll never try and hide that? But I've never cheated I'm always loyal I provide I listen I give advice Im open minded I can give space and allow my partner to have a life , I know when to back off and when to be there, I genuinely as a girlfriend don't really see where the fuck I'm failing ? Please do fucking enlighten me because really was a bad girlfriend you wouldn't miss me at all !!!

I have anxiety yes but I as a self aware person don't impose my anxiety onto others unless I'm physically in panick and need some reassurance but that's just called soppourt . And Im aware it can make you believe unrealistic things but again I DONT impose them onto others , you do huge huge difference , thanks for the Freud comment mind I appreciate it lol.

[ravens-rambling]

.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Where’s my white flag? (Bucky x reader)

Bucky x reader

Word count 2620

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, depression, worthlessness

Summary: Reader is on the roof experiencing suicidal ideation and Bucky talks her down from it. 

A/N: Please, PLEASE, if you think this will do more harm than good, skip this one. I don’t want to harm anyone in their journey, but writing comfort helps me feel as if I am getting it. I hope that you can feel some too, because people do care. If you feel similar ways to this fic, please reach out, you're not alone. As always, my messages are open too. <3

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @abitgryffindorky @thatfangirl42

---------------

It was a gorgeous night, really. It was a warm summer night, a light breeze blowing your hair. The sky was clear, stars scattered across it. The moon was bright, and the streets weren’t too loud for New York. The buildings lit up the streets, and even in the busy city setting, it wasn’t as harsh as it could be sometimes. It really was beautiful.

Especially looking over it from the roof of Stark Tower. 

You knew you weren’t doing yourself a favor, sitting with your legs over the edge gazing out at the streets below. You knew it wasn’t the best choice for your mentality. Not that you cared much anyway.

See, life had been less than kind to you recently. You loved your family, the Avengers, and being on the team. But one day, doubts and stress had crept in. you don’t know why or when exactly it happened but soon the bad days became bad weeks. It wasn’t long before a good day came as a surprise, and lately you had stopped hoping that they would come. You were used to this numb depression. That didn’t mean you enjoyed it.

But you never thought you’d ever be able to get out of it.

You knew the team loved you, you knew you were good at what you did. But even so, every night you somehow found yourself doubting your worth and questioning your abilities. You had been able to hide behind fake smiles for some time, but soon it became easier to hide in your room. No one to hide from, no reason to hide. 

You felt like you were living on borrowed time. You didn’t know when living became a chore and not just...living. Most people will find work boring or basic chores undesirable. But for you the basics of living as a human had become too much for you. Exhausted from the slightest interactions or basic human needs.

Your emotions would slide from one extreme to the other or disappear entirely. Feeling too much or nothing at all. It’s one thing to be trapped in a place physically. It’s another when your body is the cage and somewhere you had lost the key.

Which is why you found yourself out here on the roof. Again. You’d been coming up here  more and more recently, driven to desperation. You never knew if you would ever go through with it. If there would ever be a time you would actually jump, or if every time would be chalked up to getting fresh air. You put a lot of thought into it and this was the best way you could think of to end your pain. Yet even though you wanted to die, you never quite felt like you could ever do it. 

Not necessarily that you wanted to die - more so you just didn’t want to live the life you had been given. It was too painful. And you were tired of fighting for something that had proved to you that it wasn’t going to work out. 

You had people, a family. No matter how much you doubted your worth, you know it would have an impact on them. Tony would overwork himself in the lab. Natasha would shut down emotionally. Steve and Bucky would blame themselves even though it had nothing to do with them. They were the reason you had been able to stay for so long.

But they wouldn’t think that. They would only see that you were gone and blame themselves for not noticing. Even though they had been - checking in on you or having you sit out missions out of worry of the risks you took. They cared about you, and you didn’t want to hurt them.

But lately, the pain of everything building up had begun to outweigh the worry of the impact you would have on them.

It was better this way

They’d be better off

You wouldn’t be in pain anymore.

Just lean forward, close your eyes and -

“Y/n?” you heard a familiar voice behind you.

You let out a small breath before opening your eyes. You knew who it was. Without turning around you replied with a small “Hey Bucky.”

You looked up from the ground, still not looking at him. “Beautiful night isn’t it?”

Bucky started walking towards you nervously. He had noticed how withdrawn you had been but he never imagined….swallowing, he asked “What are you doing out here?”

You merely shrugged, still not meeting his eyes. You still weren’t sure how tonight would end. “Just clearing my head I guess.” you replied with. You spoke as if you were sitting on the kitchen counter with your legs dangling over. As if you weren’t over 1,000 feet above the city streets below.

Swallowing nervously again at seeing your feet dangling over the edge, he cleared his throat. “Can I sit with you?”

You nodded, still unable to look at him as he sat down next to you. You knew the emotion would be overwhelming if you did. He felt his heart rate pick up looking over the edge, knowing that a wrong move from either of you would certainly be lethal. “Do you want to go inside and talk?”

You were silent. 

“Why don’t we move back a little bit, it’s pretty dangerous to be this close to the edge.”

“I know,” you said, finally meeting his eyes. “That’s kind of the point,” you said almost emotionlessly. Bucky looked back at you, eyebrows creased in concern. You held the edge of the roof in your hands tightly, knuckles turning white. You looked back down at the streets below. “You ever think about dying?” you asked suddenly, emotion starting to grow inside you as you felt tears prick your eyes from being so vulnerable. No going back now.

“Y/n, why don’t we go inside, we -”

“I know I wouldn’t want to drown” you looked at him and shook your head. “Slow and painful. Not for me. I’ve thought about pills but it isn’t always effective and I could just end up getting really sick, and depending on the medication it could be painful.” you laughed bitterly as tears filled your eyes, looking back out at the skyline. “Some people think you take meds and fall asleep but it’s not always like that. I know if I died I would want it to be quick. A gunshot, snapping my neck…” you paused for a moment, letting the tears spill over. “...Falling off a building.”.

Bucky could feel his heart pounding in his chest at your words, breaking at how casually you talked about this and how much thought you had given it. “Do you think about it a lot?” he asked, voice wavering from anxiety. 

You swallowed dryly as you felt Bucky’s eyes on you. “A gunshot is the easiest. It’s messy, but it’s certain. But if I did that then one of you would be the first to find me, and no one would ever want to go in the training room again. It’s nearly impossible to snap your own neck. But if I jump…” you tilted your head back and forth a little. “The public finds me first. You wouldn’t be the first to see me.”

You took a deep breath and brought your eyes back to his. “I think about it every goddamn day.”

Bucky took a deep breath. You started to stand up and Bucky did too, nervous at what you were going to do. He reached out his hand to try to grab you but you swatted it away, walking away from the edge slightly and turning your back to him.

“Y/n, talk to me, let me try to help you.” he said. “Please,” he added, desperation threading his voice. 

You turned around, arms crossed. “You can’t help me, no one can help me.” you shook your head. “Every day I wake up and it’s the same shit. It's the same tiring life and routine, over and over. It’s the same feeling 24/7. There’s no escape from it, there’s no break.” you started getting more passionate and put your arms out. “Even if I could get a break I’d come back to the same shit at some point. There’s no escaping my life and my feelings, I can’t turn off my mind.” your voice was rising through tears of frustration. “I don’t want this life anymore, okay? I want to die but I can’t do it. No matter how much I want to, I CAN’T! Where’s my fucking white flag?!” you shook your head again. “When do I get to tap out? I can’t do this anymore!” you shouted. “I’m tired of fighting for a life that I will NEVER have!”

Bucky looked at you sadly, knowing all too well the feeling of craving an escape. He walked closer to you, you trying to walk away. He grabbed your hand and you wrestled out of it. He came closer and grabbed you by your shoulders more firmly trying to bring you into a hug. “Get the fuck off.” you said, trying to get away, punching his chest. It didn’t affect him, and he just kept trying to hold you still despite your wrestling figure. Eventually your anger melted into agony, as you let out sobs against his chest, giving into the embrace.

“Please, just let me die…”

“It’s not your time yet,” he whispered.

You began crying harder and he held you protectively, whispering “I got you. It’s okay.”

He kept repeating that and hushing you, keeping his arms tightly around you, supporting you. “I don’t want to do this anymore…” you sobbed into his chest. 

“I know,” he said, his voice cracking. He cradled your head against his chest. “I know.”

After standing there for a few more moments, he said “Let’s get you inside. It's going to be okay.”

And with that, he moved to pick you up, doing so with ease. You hid your face against his chest, trying to contain your cries. You were embarrassed to be so emotional. Luckily for you, your room was close to the elevator and seeing as it was early morning now, no one was roaming the halls. 

He brought you into your room and sat down on the bed, still holding you in his lap. You were still crying, both from the situation and out of shame for being so vulnerable. He still held you tightly, whispering comforting words to you and breathing steadily. Eventually you were able to find your own rhythm, still crying softly. It wasn’t until now that you realized how badly you were shaking. 

After a few minutes of silence, Bucky began to speak. “I just want you to listen, okay?” when you nodded he continued. “I know that you might not believe me but I felt the same way once. Remembering everything I did as the Winter Soldier and the nightmares, they just...wouldn’t stop. Remembering was the worst part. Knowing what I did, even if I didn’t have control, made day and night hell. I couldn’t make it stop.” Your eyes filled with tears, knowing how much he blamed himself. 

“I couldn’t control the memories and the nightmares. I couldn’t avoid my metal arm. It was a constant reminder of everything they made me do. And I didn’t want to feel the guilt that I did. But death wasn’t the answer.” he guided your face to look at his. “Death is never the answer. The memories stay, but the guilt fades.”

 “You are such a good person.” when you scoffed he added “I know these feelings and thoughts tell you you’re not but you are. I know it may seem like it will never end, but it can get easier. You don’t have to be okay, you don’t have to be strong for us. But taking away your chance at every future good experience by permanently preventing the bad ones isn’t worth it.”

Your eyes filled with fresh tears. “Sometimes it feels like it’s all about pros and cons. Like no good experience could outweigh the pain of all of this.” you let the tears fall and shook your head. “Life isn’t supposed to hurt.”

He hugged you tightly. “No one asks for pain, no one asks for this. It’s not your fault that you feel this way and it’s okay. But it can get better, I promise.”

You cried into his chest. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“There’s no right thing to do. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here for you, and I know the whole team would be too if you needed them to be. You’re not weak, you’re not stupid. You’re going to get through this, because you are strong.”

“I just…” you started, shaking your head a little. “This was never supposed to happen. I don’t know why I can’t control it anymore. It’s been bad for a while but I was always able to function and push down this type of thing. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where I went wrong.”

Bucky shook his head. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control it. These things happen, there doesn’t always have to be a reason. Emotions are what they are and our own minds can be our worst enemy. We know the best way to hurt ourselves, we know what our weaknesses are. Sometimes our minds take advantage of that.”

You moved to look at him. “How did you make it stop? You said it got easier, how did you do it? How do you turn it off?”

“It’s not quite that simple. I know deep down that I wasn’t in control. It was what HYDRA had created that killed those people, not the human I was before. And I tried to remind myself that I still had the person I was before HYDRA in me, somewhere. And slowly I tried to find who I used to be to help create who I could be. I don’t know if that makes sense -”

“It does,” you said as you leaned into his chest again. you squeezed your eyes shut. “Thank you.”

“Anytime. I’m always here to help you okay?” you nodded. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep, and we can talk in the morning, okay?” you nodded again, and Bucky gave you another hug before standing up. You lied down, you being too tired to care about changing out of your day clothes. They were comfortable enough. 

Bucky, not wanting to leave you alone, went to go sit in a chair. He didn’t want to cross any boundaries. Before he could sit down though, you sat up and turned to him. 

“Can you lay with me please?” Bucky nodded. “Yeah, of course.” He took off his shoes and climbed into the other side of the bed, giving you some space. You moved to be flush against his chest, his heartbeat soothing to you. “Thank you,” you said softly

“No need to thank me.” He said softly, wrapping his arms around you, making you feel protected. “I should be thanking you.” He added

“For what?” You asked, confused.

“For not giving up.”

[bridgyrose]

VamPyrrha anon here.

Somehow I got caught off-guard by the angsty nature. Which is weird, because I read your tagged frontpost that basically states you are trained in the way of the angst.

Anywho... could I kindly request for some more? The voice calling Pyrrha intrigued me, but I'm also curious about Yang's point of view in this. So either side's good by me.

Yang groaned as she woke up and found herself in her dorm once again. Her head spun as she picked herself up and her body ached as if she had been run over by an ursa. “Nora must’ve hit me harder than I thought.” 

“Or you hit your head when you fell,” Weiss answered from her own bed. “Do you remember what happened?” 

“I remember sparring with Nora and watching Pyrrha leave..” Yang held her head for a moment as she tried to remember after that and shook her head. “I dont remember anything else.” 

Weiss sighed and leaned against the wall next to her bed. “That’s unfortunate. Ruby and I were hoping you knew more. This is the fifth time we’ve had to pick you up from the hallway like that. And you’re sure you dont remember anything?” 

“If I knew anything more, I’d let you know!” Yang winced for a moment as her head pounded once again, then slowly eased off. With a heavy sigh, she grabbed her anxiety medication and took a couple pills to ease herself. “Maybe I need to see the nurse about all of this. I never had these blackouts until coming here and… I dont know, maybe there’s something wrong with what I’m doing as far as eating and training goes. Or I need to take a break. Rest or something.” 

“Or maybe its something Pyrrha’s doing to you.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“Its kinda strange that this only happens when you go after her when she leaves training early and she seems to be the first to see what happens to you.”

Yang felt her heart start to pound in her chest at the thought of Pyrrha hurting her. While she always offered to break Cardin’s legs for bullying Jaune, everyone knew she’d never hurt anyone without reason. Though now that Weiss mentioned it, she never remembered seeing anyone else around Pyrrha when she left. “She’d… she’d never…” 

Weiss slowly sat up and looked away from Yang to try to hide her own blush. “I’m not saying that’s the case, but… I’m worried about you. And if it turns out that Pyrrha is hurting you, I dont want you to continue getting hurt like this.” 

“I’m sure Pyrrha didnt hurt me!” 

“Like the time you were sure Blake was running off once a month because she was a werewolf and not just following a family tradition?” 

Yang hesitated. “That… that was different.” 

“I’m not saying Pyrrha is completely at fault here, I’m just suggesting that maybe its time to avoid her and see if things change.” Weiss stood up and started to make her way out of the dorm. “I’m going to collect our homework for the week and I want you to rest. Please, try to relax and rest. We can talk to her tomorrow and see if we can figure out what happened, okay?” 

Yang nodded and watched Weiss leave, her heart starting to slow down. She was sure that Pyrrha hadnt hurt her, or if she had that it wasnt intentional. Still, she knew that Weiss had a point that she did rush into things with little care to herself as long as it meant keeping people safe. And nearly severing her trust with Blake was still fresh in her mind. This time she’d do things right and wait until her team was ready to be with her. 

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pyrrha clutched the bathroom sink as she panted, fangs exposed as hunger flowed through her. She knew it was just a phase, part of every vampire maturing, though she didnt expect for hers to happen while at Beacon. She couldnt feed off her team anymore without causing problems, team RWBY was out of the question as long as she continued to hide what she was, and as tempting as it was to feed off Cardin, she would never have an excuse for him going missing. No, she had to make her way outside and to the forest. She could feed from the deer that stuck around without drawing attention to herself. 

“I can make that hunger go away,” a voice whispered in her ear once more. “Provide you with a way to feed yourself without giving away your secret.” 

“I… I can do this on my own.” Pyrrha looked up at the mirror as she watched a strange grimm appear out of the shadows and start to wrap its tentacles around her arms. “Leave me alone!” 

“Are you okay, Pyrrha?” Jaune asked through the door. 

Pyrrha closed her eyes and tried to calm herself as she lied to her teammate. “I’m fine, Jaune. I’m… angry at a text that came in on my scroll. I’ll be out soon.” 

“If you say so.” 

Pyrrha let out a sigh, content that Jaune accepted the answer. She whispered under her breath, hoping the voice could still hear her. “I dont know who you are, but leave me alone.” 

“All of your kind eventually find their way to me at one point or another.” 

Pyrrha relaxed as she felt the grimm disappear and let go of her. “And who are you?” 

“My name is Salem. And the next time we speak, you will have seeked me out.” 

Pyrrha felt the hunger in her die down as she let go of the sink and took a few moments to compose herself. Without a word, she left the bathroom and grabbed a hooded cloak to hide away from the sun. 

Jaune stopped her with a hand to her arm. “Are you sure everything’s okay?” 

Pyrrha nodded and smiled at him. “I need to take a walk and feed. I’ll be back after sundown.” 

“Are you sure you cant feed from me or Ren? You know we’ll let you.” 

“I know, but I’ve been feeding a lot from you both recently and I dont want to risk hurting you.” Pyrrha gently pulled away and made her way to the door. “I’ll call your scroll if I need help, okay?” 

Jaune nodded and sat down. “Be safe.” 

Pyrrha nodded and left the dorm, quickly rushing down the halls to avoid any students and the sun that peeked in through the windows. Now that her head was clear, she could finally make her way to the forest and feed… and see if she could find some answers about who Salem was.

[endearingjaemin]

play this when i'm gone | NA JAEMIN

you fixed your hair, drank some water and looked at karina, giving her a 'is this recording?' look and she raised her thumbs. you weren't ready but you had to do it. the farewells had unfortunately begun. your travel end has finally arrived. there's no turn back time.

"hi, jaem!"

jaemin. na jaemin. the cutest soul ever. your rock, your boyfriend.

"all this time, i've wanting to start writing you a message just so i can say that i love you. anyways, words couldn't ever arrived, that's why i'm recording this to you for when i'm finally... gone. and because i had to let you know that everything about me was... you"

behind the camera, karina's eyes were starting to drip.

"i think the time for me to leave is coming, but i wanted you to know that i'll never leave you. i mean, literally. i'm gonna be that little ghost around you, that little whisper, that fresh air breeze, that shadow behind you. like, everything i am today in day, right?"

you still remember the day you both met like if it was yesterday - he was in a park bench, breathing freedom, away from fame, crowds, pressure, tension and pain, and you were just there, chillin' it out while watching the little kids play. something, you end up talking. the rest is story. the rest walks you here, the final chapter.

"i also want you to know that, everyday, i would look to your pictures, so the last thing i did see was you. that's how i'm gonna keep you forever by my side, even if i'm not around anymore"

and you still remember the day you got diagnosed. that day, jaemin cried until he fell asleep, hugging you and trying, in dreams, to find a way that could save you from what was waiting for you. but everyday was a new fight and he had to be there to hold your hope.

"anxiety is eating me alive, you know? and i'm fighting with my sobriety. last time i could barely open my eyes from the pill i took to sleep when i promised i wouldn't do it. i apologize for that, babe"

inevitably, your body became addicted to narcotics. if everything hurt a lot or your head didn't shut up, you would automatically take some medicine. eventually, jaemin realized of it and, after a long talk, you promise him that you would control yourself... you failed.

"i'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright. you're gonna cry and that's alright, baby. i know how hard you try to keep your feelings on line. but... you don't have to because it's not a sin to show you're human sometimes. you're the purest one alive. and, for awhile, you'll probably think that you can't handle anymore or that it'll be better to give up. but you got this, jaem, and you're surrendered by people who loves you and gonna help you to be you again, darling"

your mind travels you to the first date you had. god, what an incredible night that was. he acted like a gentleman the whole evening and, just for a second, you thought he was an angel. at the end, he drove you home and asked for a second date. then a third, then a fourth, until they became into endless ones. you'll give everything to take that times back, when life was like a fairy tale.

"jaem, my beautiful jaem, i hope you get to go to all the places that i showed before on my laptop when we were choosing destinies for our little vacations. my pretty gem, i remember when i was on the road and couldn't be home to hold you when you had a breakdown from practice. a part of me doesn't want this cruel world to know you, you're way too good for it. so just try and keep in mind everything that i told you, alright? they would want to knock you down. never let them, baby, prove them you're like gold"

if only heaven could know everything you get together through, how hard it was for the both of you to still standing. no one would ever understand. waking up without being around his arms, sleeping out without his voice singing you. sometimes you still asked yourself how you managed to keep going. somehow, you did.

"society is eating me alive. i'm fighting what comes with this notoriety every night. maybe that's why i never wanted us to go public"

jaemin. your bunny. your stars. your whole solar system.

"maybe this is the last time i'll ever open up my eyes, i apologize"

you're really gonna miss his smile.

his green hoodie.

his smell.

his laugh.

you're really gonna miss him.

"just remember, okay? i'll say it again, i'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright. you're gonna cry, baby, and that's alright. totally alright"

and it's gonna be so tough.

and terrifying.

and he's gonna be so hopeless.

"oh, and i wrote you a song to keep when i'm gone if you ever feel alone. you used to do it for me. it was kinda my turn now, i really hope you like it, it express my eternal love for you and your being"

and he's gonna cry.

but that's alright.

"i'll miss you. and i love you"

[fanficshiddles]

My Sweet Rose, Chapter 2

Rosie was really nervous as she walked along to the restaurant to meet Loki for their first date.

They had text a few times and he called her yesterday for a chat, that turned into an hour long. But it made her excited to see him again, though the nerves were still there, churning away in her stomach.

But as soon as she saw him waiting outside the restaurant for her, in a dashing all black suit, her worries started to melt away.

‘Hello, darling. So good to see you again.’ He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, then he surprised her by pulling her into a warm embrace.

It was one of the best hugs she had ever had. It wasn’t rushed, it was warm and she felt oddly safe. She breathed in deeply, feeling better already. And Loki knew it. He knew she was nervous, he could tell by her body language when she approached. But he could feel her relaxing in his arms.

Then taking her hand in his and giving her a reassuring squeeze, he led her inside the restaurant.

That had been the first of many hugs and hand holding, Rosie had been addicted to his hugs. She had always felt safe and secure in his arms, right from the start.

She didn’t sleep great at all after seeing Loki again, her mind was constantly on him. Worse than ever now, knowing he was in the same building as her. There was no way she could stay here now, not now he was here. It would be too painful every day to see him.

But she knew it would take a few weeks to get a new place organised, and she would need to look for a new job. The plus with this job with Pepper was the free lodgings, which was great. And the pay along with it was brilliant.

In the meantime, though, until she decided what she was going to do, she knew she had to put on her brave pants and try to get through it. To face him, well, ignore him but carry on.

Though as soon as she stepped out of her room, she was looking around paranoid about bumping into him. So she walked as quickly as she could towards the kitchen, she needed to grab something to eat before going to meet Pepper in the lab.

Of course, though, she was just heading into the kitchen when Loki walked right into her path.

She froze on the spot, eyes widening. Loki was sure he even saw her trembling.

‘Rose…’

Rosie took a step back from him.

‘We need to talk.’ He said in a firmer manner and reached out towards her arm, but she moved further away, shaking her head. Then she turned on her heels and ran off back down the corridor.

Loki felt his heart hurting.

It reminded him a bit of when they first started getting intimate together, exploring various kinks. She was very shy and nervous. Though nothing quite like now, she even seemed scared. Which hurt him the most.

‘You are simply divine, my darling.’ Loki hummed as he trailed his fingers down Rosie’s spine, making her tremble.

He stalked around her like a predator about to devour his prey. She was completely naked, stood in the middle of his bedroom while he was still fully clothed in dark black jeans and a deep green shirt, with the sleeves rolled up his forearms.

She was so nervous, she could barely even look him in the eye as he eyed her up. Her stomach was in knots and she felt like running out of the room, but she somehow managed to remain where she was.

‘No need to look so scared, my sweet Rose.’ Loki said as he tipped her chin up, forcing her to make eye contact. Though her eyes skirted all over his face, before eventually landing on his eyes and remaining there. Even if she was blushing hard and breathing heavy.

‘Daddy will take care of his good girl, always.’ He said softly and then stepped in closer to her, slipping his arms around her to pull her into him.

She breathed in deeply as she buried her face into his chest, feeling calmer already and safe in his embrace.

Whilst she was still nervous, she trusted Loki as he took her hand and led her to his bed. He was careful with her as he laid her down on her back and he straddled carefully over her, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand.

‘Raise your hands up above you, little one.’ He said firmly but kindly.

She knew if she was to panic or get really scared, she could safe word out of the situation. And whilst she hadn’t needed to use it yet, they had barely gotten started together with intimacy. But she knew that if she needed him to stop anything, that he would.

Loki pulled some long velvet material from down the side of his bed and he began to expertly tie her wrists together when she put them above her. He winked down at her as he then tied them to the headboard.

He saw her swallowing hard as she tugged on it a little, testing them. She was bound well. It made her excited, but more nervous again. It was actually happening.

Loki could tell her nerves were building again. He trailed the tips of his fingers slowly from her wrists down her arms, her inner elbows and then further down yet. She let out a small giggle and wriggled a bit under him as he reached her underarms and tickled her lightly for a few seconds, breaking the ice more and helping to distract her.

It didn’t all have to be serious, he wanted to make her comfortable. To enjoy it. To trust him. That was what it was all about. Especially since it was her first time being restrained.

‘Ticklish, are we?’ He teased and chuckled, moving further down her body. He tickled the sides of her breasts momentarily, enjoying the way they jiggled as she squirmed and laughed.

He leaned down and started sucking on her nipples, his fingers kept exploring further down to her hips. But his tickling touch then became firmer, her laughter became moans instead.

‘I wonder how ticklish my little one is down here.’ He growled and moved further down her body, spreading her legs open and making her a bit shy again as he focused on her cunt.

He ran his fingers up and down her outer folds first, then spread her open and started licking her softly, taking his time at first. He listened closely to the noises she was making, what she seemed to like and what drove her crazy. She was so aroused, his chin was covered with her juices and he hadn’t been down there for long yet.

When he focused on her clit, she almost bucked him off the bed. Making him chuckle against her. Then he growled and feasted on her like a starved man, paying plenty of attention to her clit.

‘Please… Can I cum, p… please!’ She cried out, unsure if she would be able to hold off even if he said no.

‘You may.’ Loki growled, only stopping briefly to give her permission before he was back to making her dance on his tongue.

‘Oh my, you taste exquisite.’ Loki purred after she had cum and he’d licked her clean, though that had just made her even messier. He crawled up over her and untied her wrists, surprising her slightly that it was over already, it hadn’t been scary at all like she thought it might be at first.

Loki slipped his arms around her and rolled them to the side, cradling her into him. She hid her face into the crook of his neck as he rubbed her back softly.

‘Such a good girl. Did you enjoy that?’ He asked, his voice just above a whisper.

She nodded and curled herself more into him, making him smile as he kissed the top of her head.

After mulling it over for an hour, Loki decided to go to her room and speak to her. She couldn’t run from him there.

Instead of knocking, he just teleported in. But he was annoyed to find she wasn’t there.

He knew he should’ve respected her privacy and just left. But his nosey-ness got the better of him. He had a look around her room. Ended up looking in her wardrobe and smiled fondly as he saw she still had the cute pyjamas and nighties that he’d gifted her. Including some cuddly toys at the bottom of her wardrobe.

Loki ended up wandering through into her bathroom. His brows furrowed as he spotted a bottle by the sink. It was prescribed drugs from the doctor he noted as he picked it up to take a look. He didn’t know what it was, but he made a mental note of the name. Then he left her room, not wanting to be caught snooping.

‘What were you doing in Rosie’s room?’ Pepper snapped at Loki when she caught him leaving.

Loki narrowed his eyes at her. ‘She isn’t in there, if that’s what you’re getting at.’

‘That makes it worse, you were in there without permission.’

Loki rolled his eyes, then asked what those pills were for that he’d found in her bathroom.

‘They are for anxiety and depression. Why?’ Pepper frowned.

Loki frowned too. ‘Why would Rose need them?’ He asked, appalled.

Pepper’s eyes widened. ‘I didn’t realise she was on them… But it’s no wonder after what you put her through.’

Loki didn’t listen to anymore. He teleported back into Rosie’s bathroom and grabbed the pills, then teleported to the kitchen to look for her. He spotted her in the corner of the room at a table, there was no one else around.

He stormed over towards her, perhaps a bit too quickly as she looked up and looked scared as he approached her. But then she was confused when he took her pills and put them down on the table on front of her.

‘Why are you filling your body with this ridiculous junk?’ Loki asked a bit too harshly, but he just couldn’t understand why she would do it.

Rosie was stunned for a moment, unable to process what the hell was going on.

‘I… I’ve needed them for a while now. They help.’ Rosie said quietly as she reached over the table and grabbed the bottle back.

Loki frowned. ‘These will mess with your mind, you don’t need them.’

‘You can’t tell me what I need or don’t need anymore! You gave that up when you just left me!’ Rosie snapped and stood up quickly, tears instantly started falling down her face.

‘I thought I wasn’t good enough for you, for anyone. That I wasn’t worthy of having a Daddy or even just a boyfriend. Not even worth two minutes of your time to tell me face to face or even call to tell me it was off. Instead you left me wondering for days, weeks, months, what happened and what I did wrong. Over and over I kept thinking about what I did wrong to make you leave, and what I could have done to keep you happy. These pills were the fourth ones to try, to help calm my brain down. To stop the dark thoughts from plaguing my mind every single day and night.’

She took a breath and tried to stop crying, but she just couldn’t. Her sight was all blurry.

‘It became obvious when I saw the news about you… I would be in no league for a God. But then I started mulling over why you even took interest in the first place. Probably nothing more than just a play toy, something to pass some of your time.’

Rosie was just folding up some of her washing in the living room while the TV was on in the background. She tried to keep herself busy enough, anything to try and stop herself from thinking about him. 

Suddenly an emergency news bulletin overcame the usual TV programmes. There was an attack happening in New York, aliens. 

Looking up at the TV, her eyes widened at seeing the destruction going on. She saw The Avengers there trying to save the day as always. 

But when the camera zoomed in briefly on the villain trying to take over, her heart stopped and she started sobbing uncontrollably. 

It was Loki. It was him. 

She couldn’t believe it as she fell to the floor on her hands and knees, crying and screaming in anger, frustration, sadness, fear. Everything rolled into one.

‘No wonder he left… He’s a God. I’m nothing but an ant in comparison, probably a toy for him to play with just to pass the time while he was here to scope out the planet.’ She rambled to herself as she hauled herself back up to her feet and threw the rest of her clothes on the floor, not caring anymore.

But that was the first of many days of not caring anymore, down a dark spiral.

Loki was stunned at her outburst. And seeing her so upset broke his heart, he was unable to do anything to comfort her. Not that he thought she would let him hold her anyway.

‘Rose… Rosie… I, that was never what’

Rosie didn’t give him a chance, she grabbed her things and darted past him, running out of the kitchen from him. And Loki found he was unable to move from the spot to go after her, as much as he wanted to.

[bucky-hues]

sambucky fic recs

hellooo!! i've been wanting to do a sambucky fic rec, so i thought i'd do one for @fuckyeahsambucky ‘s fic yeah friday! here are some sambucky fics i love <3 do read the warnings on each fic!

one-shots

when i'm in a room with you (that missing piece is found) | @omg-just-peachy

sam x bucky

Three times Bucky falls asleep on Sam, and one time Sam asks why.

double dare | @omg-just-peachy

sam x bucky

Bucky follows his therapist’s advice to cultivate friendship, Sam makes him work for it, and by the time he’s sure they’re friends, Bucky has an entirely new problem on his hands.

press conference | @sammy-souffle

sam x bucky

Sam watches from a distance a journalist from Denver, Summer, puts her hand on Bucky’s arm and laughs at something he says. Her hand trails further up and squeezes his bicep which Bucky doesn’t seem to mind at all. If anything, he laughs along with her and leans in closer to her to say something. Sam closes his eyes briefly and swallows back his anger.

accidentally | @sammy-souffle

sam x bucky

x | @sammy-souffle

sam x bucky

request: during the time when sam is tracking bucky in romania, after sam and bucky get caught up in a fight against some hydra agents who were also tracking bucky

sam gets hurt and bucky feels guilty so he carries him inside to patch him up, they talk some stuff out, its all very intimate and both start to fall for each other a little

acquiring alpine | @sammy-souffle

sam x bucky

prompt: alpine being cute

x | @sammy-souffle (18+)

sam x bartender!bucky (modern au)

regrets | @sammy-souffle

sam x bucky

x | @jeffersonshattricks

sam x bucky

Bucky being completely oblivious that him and Sam have been dating for like 6 months and Bucky finally understands why Sam has been kissing him, sleeping in the bed with him, and being an all around sap with him.

reckless idiots tend to fall | @jeffersonshattricks

sam x bucky

Bucky and Sam are arguing cause Sam did something reckless on a mission and Bucky freaks out but oblivious Sam genuinely has no idea why. And then Bucky accidentally yells ‘because I love you’

tell me a secret | @jeffersonshattricks

sam x bucky

Every time Sam gets drunk he finds Bucky and asks him for a secret. Bucky always gives him one.

fucking ridiculous | @jeffersonshattricks

sam x bucky

Sam is pining and a bitter grumpy grump, Bucky is mostly oblivious but also pining. misunderstandings happen, feelings get hurt, people get hurt (like physically), and then confessions happen and all is well. yay! also the other avengers are just their nerdy selves for the most part!

come to the ocean, even when you're broken | @liminalmess

sam x bucky

“Bucky, hey, man, fancy meeting you here!” he said with an exaggerated enthusiasm that he probably knew would get under Bucky’s skin, clapping him on the shoulder as he sat down.

“I thought we were taking separate vacations,” Bucky grumbled back.

Or, in which Sam and Bucky go an accidentally not separate vacation to the Bahamas.

feelings | @yaksomins

sam x bucky (modern au)

sam crossed his arms and inspected the lobby. they were indeed the only people there, not including the few staff members seated at a table near a magenta-tinted arcade area with their noses buried in their phones.

"i think i can help with that," a voice said from behind sam.

sam turned and found himself face to face with the clerk they'd bought their tickets from earlier, the scruffy-looking man that seemed a little out of place amongst the younger staff. sam gave him a quick scan, his eyes catching the name plastered to his chest via a paper name tag, scribbled by hand using a marker.

"and what exactly can you do for us...bucky?" sam frowned. what kind of name was ‘bucky’?

"i can be your extra," he said, removing a hairband from his wrist and swiftly tying up his hair into a tidy bun. with more of him now visible, sam could get a better view of his face, all hard lines and soft eyes. "and it's a nickname," bucky added, smirking and moving past a puzzled sam towards the game room. "c'mon, let's suit up."

x | @yaksomins

sam x bucky

prompt: leaving each other notes

x | @yaksomins

sam x bucky

bucky takes sam for a ride on his motorcycle

i'll make this feel like home | @buckywilsonbarnes

sam x bucky

sambucky domestic fluff

x | @transjoaquintorres

sam x bucky

sam loves bucky's handwriting

just let me adore you | dharmainitiative (AO3)

sam x bucky

“Alright, what gives?” Sam demands. “Why do you turn down every single person I try to set you up with?”

He expects Bucky to avoid the question, come up with all sorts of excuses. What he doesn’t expect is for Bucky to start laughing.

“C’mon, Sam. Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.”

“Sam,” Bucky finally says, slow and deliberate. “I’m not interested in anyone you’ve tried to set me up with because I’ve been gone on you for ages.”

watch your words | dancer_in_the_rain (AO3)

sam x bucky

sam insults bucky and then loses his shit when someone agrees with him

love, punch | @clintbartonswife

sam x bucky

Bucky can get protective, but Sam reminds him he doesn’t need to be defended - a confession is made

exchange rate | @joycesully

sam x bucky

Bucky's older memories are coming back, sometimes at the cost of more recent ones. What he cannot forget is tearing the wings off Sam Wilson. Too bad Bucky just let Steve talk him into staying with him and Sam. Consumed by guilt, the only thing Bucky knows to do by way of apology is to let Sam hurt him back. Fortunately, Sam has better ideas.

stubborn wounds | @constantwriter85

sam x bucky

When Bucky’s badly injured after trying to protect his partner, Sam realizes that he needs Bucky more than he’d care to admit.

nurturing | the_buzz (AO3)

sam x bucky (pre-slash)

Bucky isn't the only one who feels alone after coming back from the Blip.

keep the ashes from my heart (and walk away) | @coffeeinallcaps

sam x bucky

In which Sam starts dating someone who is not Bucky, and Bucky pines, gets seriously injured, and proves himself wrong.

you're blowin' my mind (with the things you say to me) | @jemgirl86

sam x bucky

After getting an earful from Bucky at the cookout, Sarah suggests Sam and Bucky have a chat... and they do.

(sometimes) all i think about is you | @softhauntedwinds

sam x bucky

Bucky discovers Sam Wilson's pre-blip media content and things escalate.

when the wheels come off (i'll be your spare) | @returnsandreturns

sam x bucky

“What, the government doesn’t pay you enough to buy some art?” Bucky asks, a minute after Sam lets him into his apartment, gesturing at the blank walls. “It still looks like you just moved in.”

“Uhm, I’ve been busy being a national treasure,” Sam says. “The government doesn’t pay you enough to buy a shirt that fits?”

Bucky glances down at his long sleeve t-shirt for a second before he looks back up with a grin.

“I’m just a part-timer,” he says, shrugging.

forever and a day | @returnsandreturns

sam x bucky

When he sets the needle, Ella Fitzgerald croons and he glances over to see Sam sitting up, looking interested as she sings it’s very clear. . .our love is here to stay.

Bucky can flirt and he can really tell that he’s still got it by the way Sam’s mouth drops open for a moment when he saunters up and offers a hand, smiling with all the potential of where this could lead and asking, “Care for a dance, doll?”

Sam stares up at him before he sighs and mutters, “Fuck, that’s really working for me somehow,” and lets Bucky pull him onto his feet and into his arm.

world's greatest uncle | @novembermurray

sam x bucky

Rhodes arrives in Delacroix to bring Sam up to speed on their newest mission and deliver the bad news: Bucky Barnes has gone AWOL. He's in for a few surprising discoveries.

panic | alienspronkles (AO3)

sam x bucky

When Sam and Bucky go to Sarah's place for a get together, Bucky's anxiety starts kicking in. And he's trying to hide it from everyone there.

series

sam and bucky first date 2: electric boogaloo | ObsessiveExplosion (AO3)

sam x bucky

Sam is gearing up to ask Bucky on their first date, but he is interrupted by a bullet wound to the shoulder.

sam and bucky go to a fourth of july party | ObsessiveExplosion (AO3)

sam x bucky

Sam and Bucky, recently engaged, make an appearance at the annual Delacroix Fourth of July Block Party, and Sam ends up partying a little too hard.

the gang navigates and airport | ObsessiveExplosion (AO3)

sam x bucky

Sam and Bucky have to navigate an unexpected layover on their way home from a mission, made more difficult by the fact that Bucky has just taken a sleeping pill designed for Super Soldiers.

he followed me home one day | AshaCrone (AO3)

sam x bucky (au)

He was supposed to be starting fresh.

Sam Wilson was moving from New York to Washington and picked the worst possible Friday to finish his move. But he does what he does best- stops to help.

And asks a passing stranger for a little muscle to get some trapped people out of a car. Feeds the stranger a protein bar.

Now a lost cyborg has followed him home. And he isn't quite sure what to do about it.

[a-pretty-nerd]

Tomura Shigaraki x AllMight!Daughter!Reader

Chapter 10

Premis:

When The League of Villains discovers that AllMight has a daughter, they are quick to snatch you up and hold you hostage. Shigaraki had a careful and thought out plan, but that was before you got there. Now you’re in the mood for some not-so-healthy rebellion.

A/N:

I hope you guys like this chapter! If you wanna support me further and hang out, check out my Patreon for more of my content and my discord!

Word count: 1,818

Warnings: Minor violence

Chapter 9 Chapter 11

Loud announcement after loud announcement blasted from the speakers as the police spoke. Repeating the same few sentences over and over again. His stomach turned as anxiety took hold of him. Izuku Midoriya stood nearly a block away from the scene as he watched. He and Bakugou were given orders to sit on the perimeter and wait in case they were needed. Having experienced The League before, their assistance was helpful. But everyone was hoping it wouldn't be needed. For now, everyone's top priority was you. Bakugou huffed in frustration, folding his arms across his chest as he watched.

"I don't get it. We should just round them up while we still can. If we don't act fast, they'll slip out of our hands again." He growled.

"Arrest isn't our top priority right now. The hostage's safety is. We can't risk any harm coming to her. You know that." Midoriya answered. The blonde scoffed and spoke again after a long pause.

"I still can't believe it."

"Believe what?"

"That he has a daughter. You'd think he would have mentioned something like that by now. After all these years. Especially one with such a strong quirk."

"Yeah...I don't have kids of my own so, I don't know much about that but...It's odd isn't it? That he never mentioned her. Not even to us." Bakugou thought for a moment.

"Maybe it was the mom. Maybe she kept it that way. We don't know much about her."

"No...that doesn't sit right. Her mom seems intense, sure. But that's his daughter. I don't know about you, but if I had a kid like her, I wouldn't be able to stop talking about her. So, it doesn't make sense why someone like him..."

"They were young, right? About our age?"

"That's right."

"Think about it. If you and Ururaka got pregnant right now, what do you think would happen?"

"Thats different, she's a hero too-"

"No. Really. Think about it. If she told you tomorrow you were gonna have a kid, how would you feel?" Midorya thought for a moment.

"Scared, I guess."

"Would you slow down your hero work? After everything you've done, all the work you've put into this. Would you risk it all to be a proper father? And what about her? Would Ururaka be okay putting her life on hold for that kid? I doubt it."

"I see what you're saying. But that still doesn't explain why we're just finding out about her now."

"I'm sure he was just trying to protect her from shit like this happening. It's clear he still cares for her. It was probably his was of keeping her safe. As messed up as that is."

"I studied All Might my entire life. Became his successor and student. And still...I feel like I never really knew him until now."

"Mh."

"You're still my most valuable player. You're staying right here." Shigaraki's voice purred as his grip tightened around your arm. Pulling you closer to him. You felt your blood quickly rush up to your cheeks. The hot feeling coursing through your veins. You heard the loud squeak of a chair shifting across the floor. Your quirk unwittingly being activated. He ignored the sound, his deep red eyes glaring into yours as his scarred brow bone curved over them in a tight scowl. His eyes, so brilliant and full of passion. You were lost in them. Time always seemed to stop when he did this.

"Boss! We gotta get out of here! We can't fight them all!" Spinner shouted, tearing those eyes away from you. How long had he been starring at you? Was he just as lost as you? You were doubtful. If he was lost in anything, it was probably his rage. His grip on you loosened, slowly dropping your arm almost like he was reluctant to.

"The truck. Is the truck ready?"

"Yes, but I doubt we can get out of here without being caught."

"Of course not. That's why we'll need a distraction. Until then we need time. Toga, the phone, quick." She jumped at the command. Grabbing a smartphone of hers and quickly adjusting it to film. Shigaraki's hands quickly found your body again. But they weren't nearly as harsh as last time, just firm. Man handling you to appear threatening. One hand coming around your neck from behind to display his fingers, and the other around your arm. He pressed you against his body.

"Filming!" Toga shouted.

"You heroes should know better than to just barge into such a delicate situation. The conditions are simple. Make one wrong move, and the girl is dust. I'll even leave her in a pretty little urn for you, hehehe, All Might."

"Cut! Edit and send to the heroes right?"

"And social media, anything to get it on the news. Dabi, Twice, is there a way for you to contact our friends on the outside?"

"But boss! They have us tapped! They'll be prepare for our escape!" Twice shouted.

"They've planned for it already. We've lost the element of surprise. We need results."

"Shigaraki?" You croaked.

"What!?" He shouted in your ear. You winced, holding your free had up to tap at his wrist around your neck.

"Could you, loosen up a bit?" He swiftly pulled his hands away from you. Watching you gently cough and regain your breath.

"We're not, really going to kill her, are we?" Toga pulled her attention away from her phone and shuffled closer to you. Turning to be in-between you and Shigaraki, almost to protect you from being grabbed again.

"No. Not if we plan to get out of here." He and turned sat down on the couch, his hands coming up to rub against his sore neck. Toga patted your back.

"You alright there? You're burning up. You're not sick are you?"

"No...No Im fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm fine. Thank you, Toga." It made her smile to hear you say that.

"Don't worry. Tomura's smart. He'll get us out safe, you'll see." You smiled back at her.

"I'm sure. But somehow I doubt I'll see you again. So, if this is goodbye-"

"Don't say that!" Toga shouted. "We're gonna stick together. Remember? I promised you I wouldn't let anyone hurt you!" You starred at her with wide eyes as your heart raced in your chest. A loud flutter.

"But, Toga."

"But nothing, friends stick together, right?" You nodded. "Then that settles it! We're taking her with us, aren't we guys?" Confused faces looked up at the two of you. "Well?"

"Uh- Sure." Spinner shrugged.

"Hell No - Alright!" Twice shouted.

"Heh, alright." Dabi chuckled.

"Tomura?" Toga called the absent-minded man.

"Huh?"

"We're taking her with us, right? She's one of us now!" Toga reached for your hand and curled her fingers between yours. Shigaraki looked up at her, his eyes lost in thought. "Tomura!" She scolded him like a little sister. He blinked a few times, shaking his attention to you.

"Are you, Y/L/N? Are you one of us?" You froze for a moment. No. Of course not. You're not a villain. You're not like these people! You're a heroes' kid! You're not evil! You're a good person!

You opened your mouth to speak, an overwhelming cacophony of thoughts keeping you from answering. For the first time in your entire life, you had been cared for in a way you never had before. No longer reliant on a bottle of pills to function properly. No longer forced to be productive. No pressure to be anything special. You could grow here. You could be yourself here. The room buzzed with energy at the activation of your quirk. Your emotional state boiling to a head, you opened your mouth to answer but before you could speak-

The building began to shake underneath you. You were thrown to the floor, eyes darting everywhere in search for the cause. The sound of explosions blasted above you, while what sounded like a bulldozer echoed below.

"Damn it! They're coming from both ends!" Dabi announced, gaining his balance to perform a ready stance before his blue flames emerged.

"C'mon Shigaraki! What do we do!" Twice shouted as he clung onto the man's forearm. The rest of you inching closer and closer to each other.

The blasts above became louder and louder until it became evident it was right above. Your stomach turned as you came to the realization. Before the order left his lips you had reached for a table across the room and brought it up above your small group for protection.

"Y/L/N!" Just in time for it to deflect the shrapnel of drywall that burst from the explosion above. Suddenly the floor below gave way, sending the six of you falling through the open air. There were supposed to be several floor to the building, but thanks to the hero, Deku, flimsy walls of the already rotting building had been quickly demolished within seconds.

You watched yourself fall, your hand desperately reaching for anything to hold on to. Failing and plummeting down with the rest of them. You watched as the DynaMight emerged from the smoke above to watch you with a satisfied grin plastered over his face.

The cries of the others behind you filled your ears. Why wasn't this hero doing something? Why wasn't he jumping to catch you? To catch the others? Is going to let you fall to your deaths? You can't let him do that! Quick- Quick- your quirk- catch them!

After a few attempts at activation in your panic, you were able to catch the others in the air. Just before their bodies hit the concrete of the building basement. Dropping them down from a safe few feet. The fall was uncomfortable, but a relief to you and the others that you could work so quickly.

But your success was short-lived as the building trembled and quaked with another explosion. You looked up just in time to watch what was left of the old hide out to come crashing down around you. Leaving you trapped in the basement, in complete darkness.

"THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" A familiar shriek echoed in Bakugou and Midoriya's ear pieces. They both jolted at the painful intrusion. Your mother, having just stolen a police walky talky huffed on the other end.

"Our apologies ma'am but they're fine. I saw it with my own eyes. They're just trapped under debris. Everything is going according to plan." Midoriya reassured.

"Ac- ACCORDING TO PLAN!? You mean to tell me, young man, that you intended to trap my daughter in with her KIDNAPPERS, WHO THREATENED TO KILL HER!?" She spat, understandably.

"If they wanted her dead by now, she would be. Shigaraki doesn't play games unless it's necessary. Trust me." Bakugou barked.

"So now what? We just wait until this psychopath decays his way loose?"

Taglist:

@craftybean13 @babayaga67 @imjustverable

@bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love

@kamenoyaki @hentaiqween101 @skzero-99 @justanotherlifeff

@witch-o-memes @lolilith

[imagine-loki]

My Sweet Rose, Chapter 2

TITLE: My Sweet Rose CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 2 AUTHOR: fanficshiddles ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine you are secretly a little but no one knows, one day you decide to check out a local BDSM club to try and get a feel of the community. You meet a handsome stranger that, over the next few months, shows you all about the lifestyle. However, one day… he vanishes without a word. 

RATING: M NOTES: Daddy/little dynamic & Flashbacks will be in Bold.

Rosie was really nervous as she walked along to the restaurant to meet Loki for their first date.

They had text a few times and he called her yesterday for a chat, that turned into an hour long. But it made her excited to see him again, though the nerves were still there, churning away in her stomach.

But as soon as she saw him waiting outside the restaurant for her, in a dashing all black suit, her worries started to melt away.

‘Hello, darling. So good to see you again.’ He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, then he surprised her by pulling her into a warm embrace.

It was one of the best hugs she had ever had. It wasn’t rushed, it was warm and she felt oddly safe. She breathed in deeply, feeling better already. And Loki knew it. He knew she was nervous, he could tell by her body language when she approached. But he could feel her relaxing in his arms.

Then taking her hand in his and giving her a reassuring squeeze, he led her inside the restaurant.

That had been the first of many hugs and hand holding, Rosie had been addicted to his hugs. She had always felt safe and secure in his arms, right from the start.

She didn’t sleep great at all after seeing Loki again, her mind was constantly on him. Worse than ever now, knowing he was in the same building as her. There was no way she could stay here now, not now he was here. It would be too painful every day to see him.

But she knew it would take a few weeks to get a new place organised, and she would need to look for a new job. The plus with this job with Pepper was the free lodgings, which was great. And the pay along with it was brilliant.

In the meantime, though, until she decided what she was going to do, she knew she had to put on her brave pants and try to get through it. To face him, well, ignore him but carry on.

Though as soon as she stepped out of her room, she was looking around paranoid about bumping into him. So she walked as quickly as she could towards the kitchen, she needed to grab something to eat before going to meet Pepper in the lab.

Of course, though, she was just heading into the kitchen when Loki walked right into her path.

She froze on the spot, eyes widening. Loki was sure he even saw her trembling.

‘Rose…’

Rosie took a step back from him.

‘We need to talk.’ He said in a firmer manner and reached out towards her arm, but she moved further away, shaking her head. Then she turned on her heels and ran off back down the corridor.

Loki felt his heart hurting.

It reminded him a bit of when they first started getting intimate together, exploring various kinks. She was very shy and nervous. Though nothing quite like now, she even seemed scared. Which hurt him the most.

‘You are simply divine, my darling.’ Loki hummed as he trailed his fingers down Rosie’s spine, making her tremble.

He stalked around her like a predator about to devour his prey. She was completely naked, stood in the middle of his bedroom while he was still fully clothed in dark black jeans and a deep green shirt, with the sleeves rolled up his forearms.

She was so nervous, she could barely even look him in the eye as he eyed her up. Her stomach was in knots and she felt like running out of the room, but she somehow managed to remain where she was.

‘No need to look so scared, my sweet Rose.’ Loki said as he tipped her chin up, forcing her to make eye contact. Though her eyes skirted all over his face, before eventually landing on his eyes and remaining there. Even if she was blushing hard and breathing heavy.

‘Daddy will take care of his good girl, always.’ He said softly and then stepped in closer to her, slipping his arms around her to pull her into him.

She breathed in deeply as she buried her face into his chest, feeling calmer already and safe in his embrace.

Whilst she was still nervous, she trusted Loki as he took her hand and led her to his bed. He was careful with her as he laid her down on her back and he straddled carefully over her, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand.

‘Raise your hands up above you, little one.’ He said firmly but kindly.

She knew if she was to panic or get really scared, she could safe word out of the situation. And whilst she hadn’t needed to use it yet, they had barely gotten started together with intimacy. But she knew that if she needed him to stop anything, that he would.

Loki pulled some long velvet material from down the side of his bed and he began to expertly tie her wrists together when she put them above her. He winked down at her as he then tied them to the headboard.

He saw her swallowing hard as she tugged on it a little, testing them. She was bound well. It made her excited, but more nervous again. It was actually happening.

Loki could tell her nerves were building again. He trailed the tips of his fingers slowly from her wrists down her arms, her inner elbows and then further down yet. She let out a small giggle and wriggled a bit under him as he reached her underarms and tickled her lightly for a few seconds, breaking the ice more and helping to distract her.

It didn’t all have to be serious, he wanted to make her comfortable. To enjoy it. To trust him. That was what it was all about. Especially since it was her first time being restrained.

‘Ticklish, are we?’ He teased and chuckled, moving further down her body. He tickled the sides of her breasts momentarily, enjoying the way they jiggled as she squirmed and laughed.

He leaned down and started sucking on her nipples, his fingers kept exploring further down to her hips. But his tickling touch then became firmer, her laughter became moans instead.

‘I wonder how ticklish my little one is down here.’ He growled and moved further down her body, spreading her legs open and making her a bit shy again as he focused on her cunt.

He ran his fingers up and down her outer folds first, then spread her open and started licking her softly, taking his time at first. He listened closely to the noises she was making, what she seemed to like and what drove her crazy. She was so aroused, his chin was covered with her juices and he hadn’t been down there for long yet.

When he focused on her clit, she almost bucked him off the bed. Making him chuckle against her. Then he growled and feasted on her like a starved man, paying plenty of attention to her clit.

‘Please… Can I cum, p… please!’ She cried out, unsure if she would be able to hold off even if he said no.

‘You may.’ Loki growled, only stopping briefly to give her permission before he was back to making her dance on his tongue.

‘Oh my, you taste exquisite.’ Loki purred after she had cum and he’d licked her clean, though that had just made her even messier. He crawled up over her and untied her wrists, surprising her slightly that it was over already, it hadn’t been scary at all like she thought it might be at first.

Loki slipped his arms around her and rolled them to the side, cradling her into him. She hid her face into the crook of his neck as he rubbed her back softly.

‘Such a good girl. Did you enjoy that?’ He asked, his voice just above a whisper.

She nodded and curled herself more into him, making him smile as he kissed the top of her head.

After mulling it over for an hour, Loki decided to go to her room and speak to her. She couldn’t run from him there.

Instead of knocking, he just teleported in. But he was annoyed to find she wasn’t there.

He knew he should’ve respected her privacy and just left. But his nosey-ness got the better of him. He had a look around her room. Ended up looking in her wardrobe and smiled fondly as he saw she still had the cute pyjamas and nighties that he’d gifted her. Including some cuddly toys at the bottom of her wardrobe.

Loki ended up wandering through into her bathroom. His brows furrowed as he spotted a bottle by the sink. It was prescribed drugs from the doctor he noted as he picked it up to take a look. He didn’t know what it was, but he made a mental note of the name. Then he left her room, not wanting to be caught snooping.

‘What were you doing in Rosie’s room?’ Pepper snapped at Loki when she caught him leaving.

Loki narrowed his eyes at her. ‘She isn’t in there, if that’s what you’re getting at.’

‘That makes it worse, you were in there without permission.’

Loki rolled his eyes, then asked what those pills were for that he’d found in her bathroom.

‘They are for anxiety and depression. Why?’ Pepper frowned.

Loki frowned too. ‘Why would Rose need them?’ He asked, appalled.

Pepper’s eyes widened. ‘I didn’t realise she was on them… But it’s no wonder after what you put her through.’

Loki didn’t listen to anymore. He teleported back into Rosie’s bathroom and grabbed the pills, then teleported to the kitchen to look for her. He spotted her in the corner of the room at a table, there was no one else around.

He stormed over towards her, perhaps a bit too quickly as she looked up and looked scared as he approached her. But then she was confused when he took her pills and put them down on the table on front of her.

‘Why are you filling your body with this ridiculous junk?’ Loki asked a bit too harshly, but he just couldn’t understand why she would do it.

Rosie was stunned for a moment, unable to process what the hell was going on.

‘I… I’ve needed them for a while now. They help.’ Rosie said quietly as she reached over the table and grabbed the bottle back.

Loki frowned. ‘These will mess with your mind, you don’t need them.’

‘You can’t tell me what I need or don’t need anymore! You gave that up when you just left me!’ Rosie snapped and stood up quickly, tears instantly started falling down her face.

‘I thought I wasn’t good enough for you, for anyone. That I wasn’t worthy of having a Daddy or even just a boyfriend. Not even worth two minutes of your time to tell me face to face or even call to tell me it was off. Instead you left me wondering for days, weeks, months, what happened and what I did wrong. Over and over I kept thinking about what I did wrong to make you leave, and what I could have done to keep you happy. These pills were the fourth ones to try, to help calm my brain down. To stop the dark thoughts from plaguing my mind every single day and night.’

She took a breath and tried to stop crying, but she just couldn’t. Her sight was all blurry.

‘It became obvious when I saw the news about you… I would be in no league for a God. But then I started mulling over why you even took interest in the first place. Probably nothing more than just a play toy, something to pass some of your time.’

Rosie was just folding up some of her washing in the living room while the TV was on in the background. She tried to keep herself busy enough, anything to try and stop herself from thinking about him. 

Suddenly an emergency news bulletin overcame the usual TV programmes. There was an attack happening in New York, aliens. 

Looking up at the TV, her eyes widened at seeing the destruction going on. She saw The Avengers there trying to save the day as always. 

But when the camera zoomed in briefly on the villain trying to take over, her heart stopped and she started sobbing uncontrollably. 

It was Loki. It was him. 

She couldn’t believe it as she fell to the floor on her hands and knees, crying and screaming in anger, frustration, sadness, fear. Everything rolled into one.

‘No wonder he left… He’s a God. I’m nothing but an ant in comparison, probably a toy for him to play with just to pass the time while he was here to scope out the planet.’ She rambled to herself as she hauled herself back up to her feet and threw the rest of her clothes on the floor, not caring anymore.

But that was the first of many days of not caring anymore, down a dark spiral.

Loki was stunned at her outburst. And seeing her so upset broke his heart, he was unable to do anything to comfort her. Not that he thought she would let him hold her anyway.

‘Rose… Rosie… I, that was never what’

Rosie didn’t give him a chance, she grabbed her things and darted past him, running out of the kitchen from him. And Loki found he was unable to move from the spot to go after her, as much as he wanted to.

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

7/29 - 3:37PM - Settled In At Home Now

Well, I am alive.

So here's how the day went. I woke up at about 4:30 and took a shower, then used the antiseptic cloth things the surgeon requested I use. No breakfast, just some water and me running around like a maniac trying to finish setting up my room and packing my bag to bring to the hospital.

me and Lucy left a bit later than we had intended, but we still got there on time. i checked in, answered questions and filled out paperwork. i wasn't waiting long before i got taken back. well, first i was trying to hand the nurse some papers i needed to give her and promptly dropped all of the rest of the papers, lol.

"Are you nervouuus?" was her teasing response and I was like... yeah, probably lol but also it's only a little past 6AM and i am not used to this early of a rise lol

Anyway. All the usual stuff was done, the vital checking, hooking up the IV, etc. I didn't have much time in between people coming in so ironically several items I brought to stay busy were useless, lol. Better safe than sorry though I suppose.

Everyone was very sweet and kind. The lady who put in my IV was very patient and talked me through it since historically needles make me panic. (I ran out of the doctor's office once at 16 when I needed to get blood drawn and my mom had to chase me into the parking lot.)

I ended up meeting more or less everyone who was gonna be in the operating room, and got taken back way sooner than I expected. I was super anxious even though they had given me something to try and calm me down a bit, but probably less anxious than if I hadn't.

So the anaesthesia group is transferring me from the hospital bed thing to the operating table and trying to distract me with questions. It went something like this:

"So where would you wanna go on a vacation more? Beach or mountains?"

"Mountains."

"I knew it, I could tell."

"Haha."

⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ ⚫

Assume those black circles are me immediately being hit in the head with a metaphorical baseball bat because I literally have zero memory of anything else. I konked out, lol.

So anyway, I woke up later on feeling more or less fine outside of very minor pain. I tried to record a video but folks kept coming in to check on me; I posted what I managed to get anyway though and I'll share it at the end here lol.

A few more folks checked on me, my mom and Lucy were notified, etc. I was given some reminders and instructions as well, and then I was wheeled outside to where the car was. I was still feeling more or less okay on the drive home but it was definitely uncomfortable; I'm glad I brought a squishmallow and a few pillows (one for my neck) to put between me and the seatbelt.

I tried to hold some vague conversation and respond to a few texts but for reference, a sentence about eleven words long took me about twenty minutes because I kept nodding off so I just gave up and let myself doze, lmao.

I was able to come inside with little to no help, feeling very dizzy as i did so but not enough to eat dirt apparently. Then my mom helped me upstairs to the recliner, which is where I'm at now.

She told me to call her if I need anything, anything at all, but I have yet to do that because I'm somehow still incredibly insecure and self conscious and feeling like a burden and annoying and what have you. Wouldn't be my brain without anxiety, I suppose.

She checked on me a few times though and brought me some of the stuff I needed. The painkillers wore off and I had to take another pill. It's helping a little, but not fixing things fully; I hope it kicks in a bit stronger soon for sure. If not, it's manageable pain at least.

Anyway yeah. I'll prolly go take a nap or something now - but here's that update folks asked for, as well as that dumb video lol:

Waking Up From Surgery

[wordsintimeandspace]

Comfort, One Way or Another

Jon has never been one to ask for comfort when he needs it, but somehow, he still finds himself in Tim’s bed after a bad week. It would be nice, if it wasn’t for the hangover - and the fact that he has no clear idea how he got there.

Jon/Tim, rated T, ~3200 words. Read on AO3!

Jon wakes with a pounding headache in a bed he doesn’t recognize. It takes him a moment to push aside the fuzziness clouding his mind and take it all in: the lavender bed sheets, the muted light streaming through the curtains, the stack of books on the nightstand and - oh, God - the arm slung around his back.

Jon freezes, his heart in his throat. For a long moment he doesn’t dare to move, not even to turn his head to see who’s in bed with him. Just as he’s ready to leap out of bed and flee, the person behind him mumbles something in their sleep and… oh. Oh. He recognizes that voice.

It’s Tim.

Jon finally manages to roll over to see his face without dislodging the arm wrapped around him. Tim is still fast asleep, lips slightly parted and hair falling onto his forehead. He looks peaceful and calm, so different from the energy that usually courses through his veins.

Jon lets out a breath of relief. He’s still not quite sure how he got there, but waking up next to Tim instead of a stranger makes the whole thing a lot less alarming. It’s still startling though, because ending up in other people’s beds is not something he generally does. But generally he also doesn’t drink a lot with his basically nonexistent alcohol tolerance - and if the headache and the hazy memories are any indication, that’s exactly what he did last night.

~~~

There was a pub, and music, and alcohol. Definitely too much alcohol. And there was Tim, all bright smiles and easy banter, a warm shoulder pressed next to Jon’s. Jon remembers how they got there - it had been a bad week, and an even worse day. The kind of day where he used to bury himself in research until he was exhausted and refused to talk to anyone. Just a few months back, no one of the other researchers had cared. But now he’s friends with Tim, and Tim had taken only one look at him before he’d pulled Jon aside to ask what was wrong. Even after Jon had insisted that everything was fine, he’d brought him tea and sent him cat gifs and bullied him into lunch. And took him out for drinks, apparently.

That’s how Jon had ended up in a dimly lit pub, well on his way to being plastered, squeezed into a booth with Tim next to him and struggling to follow whatever story Tim was telling. Because Tim was right there, his shoulders and thighs pressed against Jon’s, a warm presence that was both comforting and overwhelming in its intensity. Something inside Jon’s chest ached, and for a long moment that was all he could focus on.

 He couldn’t remember when he’d last been hugged, or kissed, or held. Touched in a way that was more than just a clap on the shoulder or an accidental brush of hands. Jon hadn’t been close to anyone since Georgie, and for some reason he couldn’t fathom society had decided that prolonged touching was reserved for romantic and sexual relationships. So, here he was. Drunk and sad and touch-starved, his entire mind occupied with imagining how it would feel to have Tim’s arms around him, holding him close to his chest. How it would feel to let himself be comforted by the quiet thrum of Tim’s heart beneath his cheek, and stay just like that until the grief that had consumed him this week had waned.

 Tim nudged his shoulder against Jon’s, interrupting his thoughts. “Are you listening?” he asked, bemused.

 Jon shook his head before he could stop himself, but Tim was never mad when Jon was being rude. Instead Tim just laughed, even as Jon winced. “I’m sorry,” he finally managed to say. “I’m just… I’m just thinking.”

 “About what?”

 “I- I want…” He trailed off, embarrassed, but Tim’s eyes were soft, and his hand was warm as it covered Jon’s.

 “You can have anything you want, Jon. Just ask,” Tim said gently, with a smile that was kind and understanding and entirely too much for Jon to bear. Jon turned his hand until he could interlace his fingers with Tim’s. He didn’t ask. He wasn’t sure how. Instead, he took a breath and leaned in to kiss him. It took only a second before Tim kissed back.

~~~

Jon’s cheeks heat up as bits and pieces of the last evening finally come back into focus. He still isn’t quite sure how they went from kissing in a pub to ending up in bed together, but the reason is fairly obvious, he supposes. The thought makes his stomach churn with anxiety, but he tries his best to brush it aside. It’s only Tim. And it’s not like he hates sex. It’s- it’s fine, if something happened. At least they’re both wearing clothes right now, or this would be a lot more awkward.

Despite his anxiety, Jon can’t bring himself to move. Not just because his head protests every movement he makes, but also because he’s comfortable, aside from the throbbing behind his temples. He definitely got more sleep than he had in the previous nights, and Tim’s arm that is still draped over him is warm and grounding. It’s nice to wake up like this, and if he’s feeling like shit he can at least indulge a little.

For a while, he drifts off again. But it isn’t long until Tim wakes up as well, and his movements are enough to rouse Jon from his doze. He squints against the light that is still too bright for his aching head, and turns to Tim who is already looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Tim smiles as their eyes meet, and still doesn’t move his arm from Jon’s chest.

“Good morning,” Tim says casually, as if waking up next to a work friend after a drunken night out is just a normal thing in his life. Maybe it is. Jon is never quite sure what counts as normal among his allosexual peers.

“Morning,” he finally says, wincing at how hoarse his voice is.

Tim looks him up and down, frowning a little. “How are you feeling?”

Jon lets out a groan. Emboldened by just how casual Tim is about this whole thing he shifts closer and presses his forehead against Tim’s shoulder. “My head is killing me,” he grumbles.

Tim lets out a small laugh and gives him a sympathetic pat on the back. “That was to be expected, I suppose. I can get you some painkillers in a moment. Are you feeling okay otherwise? Any nausea?”

“No, not really. But I’m not, uh…”

“What?”

“I’m... not quite sure what happened last night,” Jon finally admits.

Tim sits up a little, propping his head up with one hand. “How much do you remember?” he asks, concern clear in his voice.

“I’m, uh.” Jon flushes, stumbling over his words. “I remember that we kissed. And then it gets a bit… hazy.”

“Yeah, you kissed me. Didn’t think you’d go for such a thing, especially with me, but I’m definitely not complaining,” Tim says with a grin.

Jon gulps, bracing himself for the answer to his next question. “Did we…?”

“What?” Tim frowns, but then his eyes widen. “Oh! No. I mean, you certainly tried to get into my pants, but no. We didn’t have sex.”

“Oh.” Jon blinks, perplexed. Somehow, that wasn’t what he expected. He looks down to where Tim’s arm is still resting on his chest, his fingers moving in small circles over Jon’s stomach. This still doesn’t add up. “Then… why am I in your bed?”

“Look, I tried to sleep on the couch, but you looked like you might cry when I suggested that. So here we are, in one bed.”

“Right.”

Tim suddenly stills his movements, his eyes widening in alarm. “Is that okay? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed that it would be-”

“It’s fine,” Jon rushes to say, covering Tim’s hand with his own before Tim can snatch it away. “This is… this is fine. I don’t mind.”

“Okay.” Tim smiles, a bit apprehensively, and gives Jon’s hand a squeeze before letting go. Jon immediately misses his warmth. “I’ll get you some painkillers and you can get a bit more rest while I go and make breakfast. How does that sound?”

“I- yes. Thank you, Tim.”

Tim flashes him another smile before jumping out of bed with way more energy than should be allowed after a night out. He comes back just a moment later with a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen, and Jon gratefully swallows down two pills before he collapses back into the cushions. Tim leaves him to it, so Jon closes his eyes, listens to the sounds of Tim rummaging around in the kitchen and begs his battered memory to please give him context for Jon trying to get into Tim’s pants. Christ. He can’t believe that happened.

~~~

Jon wasn’t quite sure how they made their way to Tim’s flat, but it wasn’t really important. The important thing was that they were finally alone, and he could press Tim against the wall all he wanted. Could press closer until they were finally touching from head to toe. Could slip a hand down Tim’s shirt to feel the heat of his skin against his fingertips, and swallow the gasp that escaped Tim’s lips with his own. Tim wrapped one arm around Jon’s waist and moved the other hand into his hair, and Jon melted against him with a mewl. He could feel Tim’s grin against his lips.

 It was warmth and comfort and closeness all in one, and it was everything Jon needed from this night. It was only when Tim bucked his hips against Jon’s that he suddenly remembered that it was also something else for Tim.

 “Alright?” Tim whispered against his lips, a hint of concern in his voice, and Jon belatedly realized that he had stilled after feeling Tim hard against him.

 He nodded. “Yes,” he managed to get out, rolling his hips against Tim’s to make him gasp. Tim tightened his grip around Jon’s waist for just a second before pulling back.

 “Bedroom?” he asked, his cheeks flushed and his eyes dark.

 Jon nodded again, almost automatically before his brain finally caught up with the situation. By then, Tim had already taken his hand and was leading him to the bedroom. The thought was enough to send a sudden spike of anxiety through him. Jon froze, but Tim was still tugging him along, and he stumbled over his own feet before he could bring his muscles to move again. Tim’s arms wrapped around him before he could hit the floor, and Jon let out a breath as he curled closer, burying his face in the crook of Tim’s neck as he waited for the world to stop spinning.

 “Jon…”

 “Mhh.”

Tim sighed, pulling away from Jon and gently cupping his face. Jon squirmed under his gaze as Tim looked at him, really looked at him for probably the first time since he’d first kissed him. His heart sank as Tim’s searching expression turned into a frown.

 “Jon, you’re very drunk.”

 “Mhh. Yes, I think so. It’s fine.”

 Tim sighed again. “No, it isn’t. Jon, I’m not going to have sex with you.”

 Jon blinked in surprise before his eyebrows drew together into a frown. “Why not?”

 “Because you’re drunk, and I’m not exactly sober either, and I don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret tomorrow.” Tim paused, letting out a short laugh. “Don’t look at me like I just kicked a puppy. I promise you, if you still want to have sex tomorrow I’m all in.”

 A feeling rushed through Jon that he stubbornly refused to call relief. In any way, it was quickly replaced by the sting of rejection. Jon gulped against the tears burning in his eyes. Tim was still so close, touching him in all the right ways, comforting and reassuring. For the first time this week, it felt like he could breathe. As if Tim’s touch was the only thing holding him together. “I- I don’t-” he started, not quite sure how to put his feelings into words. His voice wavered. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

 Tim’s gaze softened. “I’m not kicking you out, Jon,” he said gently, leaning down to press a kiss to Jon’s forehead. “You can still stay, if you want to.”

 Jon nodded, closing his eyes. Tim’s lips were warm against his skin. “I’d like that.”

 “Good. Come on then.” Tim pulled back with a smile and took Jon’s hand again, and Jon let himself be led towards the bedroom, his earlier anxiety all but gone.

~~~

Jon eventually crawls out of bed and stumbles into the kitchen. Tim is standing at the stove, stirring bacon and eggs in the pan. There’s already a plate of toast on the table, and two steaming mugs of tea on the counter. Tim flashes him a grin, and for a moment Jon is overwhelmed by the desire to cross the room and wrap his arms around him. Instead, he slumps down onto a chair. He’s not quite sure how to navigate all of this just yet. Maybe he should apologize.

“Are the painkillers working?” Tim asks before Jon can figure out what to say. He gives Jon a concerned look over his shoulder.

“Yes,” Jon says truthfully, rubbing his temples where there’s only a slight pressure left. “I’m feeling better.”

“Okay, great.”

Still struggling for words, Jon watches Tim load the bacon and eggs onto two plates, and springs up to help with the tea despite Tim’s protests. Then it feels wrong to bring it up during breakfast, so he doesn’t. Instead, he waits until they’ve eaten and Tim has bundled him onto the couch with a large glass of water, ordering him to rest and hydrate. As soon as Tim is done with the dishes and falls down onto the couch next to Jon, the words blurt out of him.

“I remember some things. About last night,” Jon hastily says before he can back out. His cheeks are burning. “All the relevant parts, I think.”

Tim looks at him, eyebrows slightly raised, before giving him a wink. “I didn’t forget my promise, by the way. The offer still stands, but no pressure.”

“I’m, ah-” Jon stammers, not quite sure how to continue.

Gently, Tim reaches out and takes Jon’s hand in his. “I’m serious,” he says softly. “No pressure. I won’t take it personally if you changed your mind. We all do things we don’t mean while drunk.”

Jon lets out a breath and looks down to their hands. “It really isn’t personal. I promise it’s not you, it’s…” Jon hesitates. He thinks of the bi pride pins on Tim’s messenger bag, and the way Tim had chewed out Greg from Artifact Storage after he’d knowingly misgendered one of the statement givers. He decides it’s safe to utter the next words. “I’m asexual.”

Tim’s eyes widen in understanding. “Oh. Um, okay.”

“... is it?”

“Yes, of course.” Tim smiles, giving Jon’s hand a squeeze. Relieved, Jon lets out a breath he was holding. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Yes, well. It seemed… relevant, after last night.”

“Yeah. But I’ve got to be honest, I’m a bit confused. I mean, I know some ace people have sex, but I assume you telling me now means that you don’t, so I don’t quite understand why you would… you know. Last night.”

Jon lets out a frustrated sigh, trying to gather his thoughts. “I just- I meant what I said last night. I didn’t want to be alone,” he finally admits. “And I just wanted...” Oh, how can he still not say cuddle, for God’s sake? “... contact.”

“And you thought the best way to get that was to proposition me?”

“I was drunk,” Jon says defensively. “And, well. That’s how people usually do it, isn’t it?”

Tim looks at him with an expression that is somewhere between fondness and exasperation. “Jon,” he eventually starts, his voice gente. “Can I hug you?”

Jon blinks in surprise. “Um. Yes,” he finally manages to say. “Please.”

Tim pulls him into his arms, and Jon readily squirms closer until he can rest his head against Tim’s shoulder. Tim is still so warm, and his arms around Jon’s shoulders feel grounding and safe. This might be even better than last night, Jon decides, now that his senses aren’t dulled by alcohol. He lets out a content sigh, smiling into Tim’s shirt as Tim drops a kiss to the top of his head.

“I’m sorry if anything I did last night was making you uncomfortable,” Tim eventually starts. “I probably should have paid closer attention. I never wanted to make you feel like you had to do something.”

“Tim, no. You didn’t, and you don’t have to apologize. Especially since it was you who stopped me from going too far.”

“Still, I should have-”

“Nothing we did was making me uncomfortable,” Jon interrupts quite firmly. His cheeks flush as Tim raises an eyebrow, waiting for him to elaborate. “I- I’m serious. I like kissing. I was having a good time.”

Tim lets out a small, relieved laugh. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. I’m glad.”

“I might have liked the sex as well. It’s not something I usually do, but it can be nice. I just… get anxious about it and overthink every move, but, well. It’s not terrible.”

Tim looks at him, a bit exasperated as if he’s about to say ‘not terrible is clearly not good enough Jon’, but in the end he only lets out a sigh and pulls Jon back into an embrace. “I’m still glad I stopped you before we got there,” Tim says as he rests his chin on top of Jon’s head. “I’m glad we’re okay.”

“Me too,” Jon says quietly, wrapping his arms around Tim and settling back into the embrace. Closing his eyes, he rests his head on Tim’s chest. He needs a moment to focus on it, but there it is: the steady beat of Tim’s heart, right beneath his ear. He listens to it for a while, lets the rhythm calm his thoughts while Tim’s arms hold him together. It doesn’t mend the wound that had plagued him all week, but it makes it easier to breathe for the moment. Easier to look ahead, to the days soon to come where the pain will be nothing but a quiet noise in the background.

“It was the first anniversary of my grandmother’s death yesterday,” he finally says after a long moment, his voice quiet. “We weren’t very close, but, well. She was the one who raised me after my parents died. The only family I had left.”

Tim tightens his arms around him. “Oh, Jon.”

“It’s- I’m fine, usually, but somehow it hit me harder than expected this week. I don’t know.”

Tim hums, rubbing his back. “Grief can be like that,” he finally says quietly, with a certainty that makes Jon think he’s speaking from experience. “Sneaks up on you when you don’t expect it.”

“Mh. It’s easier, like this. When you’re not alone.”

“I’m glad I can help. Just promise me one thing?”

“What is it?”

“Next time you want a hug, or a cuddle, or… anything, really - please just ask.”

Jon lets out a huff, lips curling into a smile. “I promise that I’ll try. As long as you do the same thing.”

Tim laughs quietly, and drops another kiss to the top of Jon’s head. “It’s a deal.”

[mymelodyheart]

Miles Between Us Chapter 9 ~The Mediation~

Previously in Light Vs Dark ...

Tears streamed down her face as he grabbed his phone and keys and made his way out. He couldn't get out of the cottage fast enough. His heart hammered, his ears started to ring, his lungs squeezing out the last air. He'd hurt her. He'd seen the bruises with his eyes, and now she's crying because of him. He needed to get out fast to clear his head.

She followed him closely behind. "Please tell me where you're going, Jamie. At least give me that," she pleaded.

He couldn't stand to see her tears anymore or hear the plea in her voice. He was doing what's right for her because he loved her too much. He wasn't even sure where he was going or if anyone would be safe in his presence. All he could think of was how frightened his sister had looked at him and the bruises he'd inflicted in Claire's arms. He needed to get as far away as possible, away from the people he loved.

He got into his car, slammed the door, and started the engine.

Claire banged on his window, her face wet with tears. "Don't do this, Jamie. We can fix this together. Please don't go. I'm begging you."

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The sun blazed through the windows, but instead of feeling delighted with the promise of a beautiful day, Claire felt hollow.

Earlier, moving on autopilot, she'd numbly climbed out of bed, showered and gathered all the will and strength she could summon and prepared to face the day. Though a part of her would rather curl into a ball under the duvet until Jamie returns, she made a Herculean effort to stay positive for sanity's sake. It should have given her comfort knowing Jamie was safe after Willie had informed her he'd been spotted at three in the morning at Lallybroch's driveway in his car and was now resting in his childhood home. But her eyes would prickle with tears every time she stood still and stared into space. So Claire kept herself busy, feeding Jamie's pets, letting them out of the house, doing a bit of laundry and setting up her work station for the day on the dining table. Currently, there were things that needed attending to, like her own work, and anytime soon, Willie would be arriving.

She was just about to open her laptop when there was a knock on the kitchen's back door.

She knew it was Willie. "Door's open," she croaked.

Willie walked in and stopped. A line formed between his brows, reminding her so much of Jamie she felt the beginning of tears welling up. "Hey, how are ye?" he asked.

With more enthusiasm than she had in her, she gave him a small smile. "I'm hanging in there. How's Jamie?"

"He's asleep ...last time I heard from ma."

"How about you? You look like you didn't get much rest either."

"Knackered," he replied, shoving his hands into his jeans' pocket. "The bloody git sent us on a merry chase. And now he gets to sleep the whole day while I'm left to pick up the slack at work."

Claire knew Willie was trying to make light of things. Needing to move, she stood and made her way to the kitchen, having the sudden urge to keep her hands busy. It would have been easier if she'd asked Willie to take her to Lallybroch. But there had been a reason for her decision to stay put. She needed to remind herself, there's a probability her presence could make Jamie's condition worsened after having seen his reaction to her bruise last night. Even if in the light of day, nothing seemed good enough excuse to be separated from him.

"Would you like something to drink? Coffee or tea?" she offered. "I could use a strong cuppa."

"Coffee would be grand."

Conscious of Willie watching, she went through the motion of taking out cups and switching on the coffee machine. When she opened the fridge to retrieve some milk, she accidentally nudged one of Jamie's magnets on the door, sending a post-it note to slip down. Automatically bending down, she picked up the piece of paper from the floor.

As she turned it the other way round and read it, a cross between a sob and a laugh broke passed through her mouth. It was a note Jamie had written to her just the other day.

Gone to work. Bought some croissants, and they're in the bread bin just in case Adso gets his grubby paws on it first. Can't wait to see you later. Missing you already. Love you. X

"Oh, damn it." Claire leaned over the countertop, pressing the note with one hand on her chest. "I-I can't do this."

Willie came up behind her and touched her elbow, gently turning her to face him. "Ye cannae do exactly what, Claire?" he asked, a look of concern etching his face.

"Pretend Jamie is fine." She squeezed her eyes shut, and when she opened them again, she let out a lungful of air. "When we first met, he was in a good place. And I have this strong feeling that I am making his condition more frequent and worse."

"No, Claire ...dinnae speak like that."

She glanced down at Jamie's note, and when she felt prickles behind her eyelids, she slipped the piece of paper in her jean's pocket and shook her head. "How can Jamie and I be together if I'm the one triggering his nightmares and anxiety? Before I came along, his episodes were a rare occurrence. And now here I am making that classic mistake of attempting to fix a man." Her breathing suddenly became laboured, like she'd raced ten miles. "I wish I could be by his side. I know it's selfish wanting to be with him right now when I'm the reason for his distress. But I do. On the other hand, logic tells me, it's probably a good thing all those memories he hasn't dealt with are finally coming to the surface, so at least we have something to work on. I just wish there was a less unpleasant way for Jamie to handle all of these." She glanced out the window, unseeing the beautiful view in the sun.

When the silence dragged on for too long, Claire turned to face Willie and was surprised to see him smiling. "Cannae ye see it yet, Claire? Ye are not making Jamie's condition worse. In fact, ye have been helping him heal all this time."

She frowned. She was confused. "What do you mean? I don't understand."

Willie took the portafilter and began filling it with coffee for her. "Ye said it yersel'. The suppressed memories are coming to the surface." He shrugged as he worked the coffee machine. "Meaning, after all these years, Jamie can finally confront them head-on, deal with it and lay it to rest once and for all. Isn't that what his dreams are trying to tell him? He's forgone dealing with grief and issues that it had nowhere to go to except present itself as this monstrous nightmare and panic attacks. And then ye came along, and somehow, ye've extracted more out from him than all his therapists put together."

A nervous laugh gurgled from her throat. "I might have been able to do that, but at what cost? Jamie could've hurt himself last night." She'd worried at the speed he'd taken off, thinking if anything grievous had resulted from it, she would have been so utterly devastated, she'd blamed herself. "He needs professional help, Willie. It can't go on like this."

"He does," he agreed, pressing the button on the coffee machine. "But Jamie needs you too, more than ever ...even if he believes he's a danger to ye."

"But he didn't hurt me."

He pushed the stop button on the coffee machine. "May I see the bruise?"

"Of course." She rolled up her sweatshirt sleeves. "I told him I bruise easily. I have an iron deficiency which I'm taking supplements for."

Willie studied the markings on her arms. "They're not that bad."

"No, they're not. I tried to convince him, but he won't listen. I only need to pinch my skin, and I bruise. It's a symptom of being anaemic."

Willie sighed. "Jamie won't be easily convinced, though. Weel ...at least not until he's calmed down."

"He used to have a therapist. Why isn't he seeing one now?" she asked, curiosity getting the better of her. "I know he's against taking pills for his condition, but surely talking to a professional would help him a lot."

"He has nothing against seeing a therapist ..." he replied matter-of-factly as he handed her the coffee. "...just a particular one."

"Oh!" She took the cup from Willie and watched him make another one for himself. "May I know why?"

"Her name is Geneva Dunsany. She's the only available therapist in Broch Mordha. She took over Jamie's former therapist after he left for England." He paused to look at her. "Ye see ...a few years back, my da remortgage Lallybroch and then when the recession came, our family was hit hard financially and had trouble paying the bank. To cut a long story short, Jenny, our meddling sister, knew Geneva was infatuated with Jamie. Since Geneva comes from a well-off family, Jenny thought by playing matchmaker, she would solve everyone's problems single-handedly. Ever since then, my sister has been trying to get them together. So when she heard Jamie's therapist left for England, she encouraged Geneva to take the job even though she already had one in another town. Jamie is quite perceptive, though and knew what our wee sister was up to. Hence he refused to see Geneva."

"That's a bit sneaky."

"Ye can say that again. Geneva might have a wee crush on Jamie, but I dinnae think she's aware of Jenny's meddling, even though they're friends. Jenny thinks she's doing Jamie a favour by finding him a lass who lives here and can help him with his condition. Jen is practical like that."

"I've met her, actually. The therapist that is. We were introduced ...just before I went back to London," she explained, thinking back to the day when she first met Jenny and Geneva. And she's beautiful too, she thought grudgingly. Although Jamie had never given Claire reason to feel jealous before, every muscle in her body had gone rigid, hearing Willie's account on Jamie's would-be therapist. Jealousy continued to roll in like a lick of a flame as the image of Jamie pouring his heart out to a beautiful woman burned hot in her guts. The sudden urgent need to see him made her want to sprint out of the cottage at full speed, but a dose of decorum kept her rooted on the spot. "So, Jamie wasn't interested, huh? Not even the teeny, tiniest bit?" she squeaked, annoyed at the sudden change in her voice.

She thought she saw a muscle twitched along Willie's jaw, but she must have imagined it. Looking like he was sucking the inside of his cheek, he shook his head. "No. Never. And ye have nought to worry about, Claire. Jamie only has eyes for ye."

She swallowed the bitter taste of doubt. "Not worried," she lied, sipping her coffee. But in the true sense of the word, she already felt loads better after the enlightening conversation with Willie. It had taken the edge off her worry over Jamie's condition, even though she still couldn't erase the thought of Jenny pushing Jamie towards Geneva.

"Maybe ye should attend a therapy session with Jamie ...at least initially," he suggested, eyeing her closely as if trying to read her thoughts. "That way, it would put Jamie at ease, and Geneva would realise he's taken already."

Claire slowly placed her cup on the countertop. "Why do I get the feeling this meddling thing is inherent in your family?" she asked, feigning disapproval.

Willie put his own cup down. "Not inherent, Claire. I have my own selfish motive. Ye're the best friend of my Annalise, and I wouldn't be helping my cause if she finds out I've done nought to help ye." When Claire gasped, he grinned. "Kidding aside, even if Annalise wasn't my girlfriend, I want ye to know, I really like you for my brother."

Claire could barely see through the tears she hadn't been aware that was building up. "You sound so sure."

Willie placed his hand over hers and squeezed it. "Are ye sure about my brother?"

"With all my heart," she whispered.

"That's all I need to know."

..........

Jamie slowly opened his eyes and took in the familiar surroundings of his old room. His heart throbbed when he realised the last time he'd slept here had been on New Year's eve, with Claire tucked snuggly on the crook of his arm. Bracing himself up on his elbows, he heard his mother talking to Jenny and his da downstairs. They were probably in the kitchen discussing his state.

He rubbed his face with one hand, feeling the beginning of a day-old stubble, exhaustion washing over him in waves. A mixture of self-loathing and guilt rose within as he replayed the incident from the night before. He couldn't decide what pained him the most, the bruises he'd inflicted on Claire or the fact he'd left her in tears standing in his driveway.

When he'd taken off from his cottage, his heart had been heavy and thoughts dark, not having had any clue what he wanted to do or where to go, only determinedly pushing himself to get as far away from Claire as possible. A few hours later, he'd found himself parked outside his childhood home after Willie and Murtagh had woken him up in his car. So far, he'd only talked to his older brother Willie, and he hoped it would be enough to keep the rest of his family's questions at bay.

Sitting up, he realised he was still in his clothes. He searched for his phone and found it on the nightstand. Swiping the screen, he saw he had a few missed calls from clients and a voice message from Claire. Willie must have switched his phone to silence.

I should call her, he thought. It wouldn't be that difficult. Her voice would soothe him, and her lack of judgement would make him feel like he's on solid ground. He could show his worst, and he knew she'd still be there, smiling and soothing him with words, just like last night. Every hour that passed without seeing her or hearing from her put him a little more off centre, and he could see how too reliant he was becoming on those breaths of fresh air that sprung from her. He shook his head. She was too precious to be with someone who had this nonstop ugliness embedded in the insides of his head. It would only be a matter of time before he dragged her into his hell. He couldn't do that to her.

He was about to tap on Claire's voice message when he was alerted by a double knock on the door.

"Jamie, are ye awake, son?" It was his father.

"Come in," he answered, his voice still hoarse from sleep.

The door opened, and he saw his mother walk in first with a mug of tea. "My darling boy," she smiled, placing the hot brew on the bedside table. "I thought ye could use a bit of something warm in yer belly. How are ye feeling?" She stooped down and kissed him on the forehead.

Jamie scooted back to the headboard to make space for his mother while his father took the chair. "Exhausted," he said honestly. Although he'd slept all morning, it hadn't been a restful sleep.

His father, Brian, cleared his throat. "So ... what's going on with ye, lad?" he asked, cutting to the chase as usual.

Ellen sent her husband a warning glare before refocusing her attention back to Jamie. "Whenever ye're ready, darling," she reassured him, patting his thigh. "Willie vaguely told us what happened, and Jenny is beside herself thinking she triggered yer panic attack yesterday. And Claire ...ye never told us she's here. She's worried sick about ye."

Jamie sighed. "What's there to tell." He leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "It wasnae Jenny's fault. It's just the same old, same old. The only difference this time is, I made a stupid mistake getting Claire involved with me. And I'm hurting her in the process."

Ellen briefly looked at her husband. "I find that hard to believe, Jamie. Ye're such a gentle soul, ye could never ever hurt a fly even if it's bugging ye to bits. Did ye two have a fight? Did Claire say ye were hurting her?" she asked Jamie gently.

"No. I just know I am."

"Oh, darling ..."

"So that's it ..." Brian raised his hands in the air before letting them drop to his sides. "Ye're giving in to this condition ye've fought hard against all yer life when the chance for happiness finally present itsel' to ye because ye THINK ye are hurting Claire. Is that what ye're trying to tell us? Because believe ye me, we didnae raise a violent or abusive son. So enlighten us ...where in heaven's name is this all coming from?"

"Brian!"

"It's a futile fight," Jamie blurted before taking a deep breath. "Trust me ... I'd like to have what ye both have. But at what cost? Look at the state of me. Is this the kind of man Claire deserves? She's willing to turn her life upside down for me, and for what? Only to find out later she'd saddled herself with a mentally ill man. So perhaps it's for the best she lucked out early before its too late for either of us."

His mother moved closer to his side and took his hand. "So let me get this straight. Ye're staying away from Claire because ye like her a lot, and ye're afraid to hurt her." Pain clenched tight on his vocal cords, incapacitating him to answer, but she interpreted his silence as a yes. Even though it's far more complex than that. "Oh, sweet lord, how youth is so wasted on the young," she clucked.

"Aye, perhaps." He rubbed a hand behind his neck. "But trust me, I ken fine what the problem is."

"Oh, is that so?"

His father's sarcasm wasn't lost on him, but he ignored it in favour of the pressure sinking into his chest. "I ken I hold back a lot from everyone, and I ken too that's wrong. When things get too much, I keep my mouth shut. And I dinnae realised at first that suffering in silence damages, instead of helping. Though it's easier said than done, I'm working on it. All I ever wanted was no' to be a burden or be the cause of anyone's pain. Claire deserves more."

Ellen sighed. "Jamie ...Jamie ... ye're never a burden. Ye're a delight, and we're so proud of ye. Ye need to understand, ever since ye were a wee bairn, ye've always needed a purpose, like fixing everyone's problem because it gave ye satisfaction to see ye've righted someone's world. Whenever someone was hurting, ye're always the first to reach out." Her shoulders lifted in a shrug. "I thought it was endearing at first until it began to take over yer life. The trauma you've gone through only amplified yer true nature to a point it wasnae healthy anymore. And the guilt that came with it when ye can do nought and thought you've failed ...almost destroyed ye every time." She shifted on the bed. "Jamie ...ye have to stop denying yersel' a chance for happiness because ye're afraid of hurting or failing someone. Pain is part of life. It's inevitable. Though it's good of ye to think of others first, sometimes, it's also good to let others carry that burden for ye and help ye. Running away because ye're afraid of hurting someone is no' gonnae to do anyone any good. Ye'll only end up hurting yersel'. And when that happens, who's going to help ye?"

His mother's logic made sense, but the chatter in his brain continued to hold its ground. "Claire's been through a lot, ma."

"And so have ye, son," Brian interjected, firmly.

"But what if I make things worse for both of us?"

"Oh my sweet boy, what if ye end up happy together?" Ellen smiled. "I ken a crystal ball would come in handy right now, but because we dinnae have one, the only way to find out is to take the risk and hope for the best. Just like what Claire is doing."

Jamie shut his eyes for a while and pictured them together. Every fibre in his body was screaming to get in his car and drive back to Broch Mordha and start making it up to Claire. But his mother was right ...he needed help. He didn't want to put Claire through all that misery again, so he decided right there and then he would start attending therapy afresh. It was the way forth, and he'd held off attending therapy for too long, which might have worsened his condition. But first things first. He needed to be in the right headspace to start doing anything.

"Fine, I'll call the clinic later for an appointment but do ye mind if I rest some more. I'm still feeling a bit off."

The chair scraped the wooden floor as Brian stood up. "Aye, of course. Ye look worn to a frazzle."

Ellen reached out and pulled Jamie into her arms and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll be downstairs if ye need anything." She got up and ruffled his hair as if he was still a wee boy. "And I've made leek and tattie soup in case ye're hungry."

"Thanks, ma."

His parents were just about to walk out when Jenny strode in. "Hey."

Jamie rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "Jenny, can we talk later? I'd like to be alone for a bit."

Brian and Ellen gave his sister a warning look as they left the room, but she just shrugged. "I promise this willnae take long. Please, Jamie?"

Jamie waved a hand. "Fine. What is it?"

He watched his sister retrieve something from her jeans' pocket. "Mrs Fitz from the Airbnb gave me this. One of her clients staying over her place left an Oxford Mail newspaper a couple of weeks ago. As she was browsing through it, she came across Claire's name." She handed him a newspaper clipping. "Looks like yer wee girlfriend is an heiress."

"What? Let me see that."

Jamie skimmed through the short article about some property in Fox Lane, Boars Hill in Oxford. It said it was formerly part of the Berkeley Castle Estate. The original part of the house had been designed by the celebrated architect Sir Ernest George for Lord Berkeley, a family ancestor from her mother side. The house had apparently garnered loads of interest among the local rich after being recently vacated by a local MP. It mentioned the original owners' name as Henry and Julia Beauchamp, deceased, and the heiress as Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp.

Was this the South Lodge property Claire had been talking about she'd inherited from her parents? He hadn't really given it much thought ever since she'd casually mentioned it. This was a far cry from the cabin in the woods he'd envisioned.

"Three million pounds for a house!" Jenny broke through his reflection. "Doesn't it make ye wonder what else she inherited?"

Jamie looked at the paper again. That's what the house is worth? Ach, Christ! Even the Oxford gossip found its way to Broch Mordha. He knew Claire would be mortified if the news of her assets became everyone's favourite topic of conversation.

Folding the note, he handed it back to his sister. He saw Claire a little differently now. All that money in the world and all she only ever wanted was a place to belong to. Suddenly he felt awful for leaving her last night. He shook his head at his sister. "Not a word about this to any of yer mates!" he warned her. "Or else ..."

Jenny's eyes widened. "What do ye take me for?"

"A babble merchant," he ribbed, unsmiling. "Now, let me be."

"Ye're no' angry at me still, are ye?"

"No," he sighed. "I'm just exhausted."

"Can I do anything for ye?"

He puffed out a breath. Jenny was looking at him earnestly, and he knew she only wanted to reach out. "Aye, in fact, ye can. Ye can arrange that appointment with the therapist for me."

She smiled, seemingly happy to please. "Right on it. If ye need anything else ..."

"Aye, aye, I'll let ye know."

Jenny left, and somehow, he felt a little less heavy in the heart than he did when he woke up earlier. Grabbing his phone, he tapped play on Claire's voice message.

"Hey, it's me. Just letting you know how much I miss you. I felt a little sad earlier, so I wandered into a cafe in the village centre after Willie left. They had this upbeat music playing in the background. It's an old song. Probably from the eighties or nineties, I'm not quite sure. It's pretty cheesy, but it brought a smile to my face. And now I can't get the music out of my head. Maybe if you listen to it too, it will bring a smile to your face. It's from Rick Astley, Never Gonna Give You Up." There was a pause before she spoke again. "Right, I'll let you rest. Willie told me that's what you've been doing. I'm going to take Rollo out for a walk now and try to get some work done. I'll text and send you a voice message later. I love you."

Ah, Sassenach! He swiped the screen to phone her, but his phone beeped and died. Ah, shite! He wanted to go and see her now but stopped. He had to take steps to make himself better first. He needed to put in the hours to help himself. She deserved the extra time he would put in because she's not getting half-arsed from him again. But for now ...

He scrambled out of bed and opened the bedroom door.

"Ma!" he called out.

"What is it, dear?"

"Do ye still have all yer old music from yer university days?"

"Anything in particular?"

He cringed inwardly. Ah, fuck! "Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley?"

He thought he heard females sniggering downstairs.

Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for your patience with the previous chapter and, mostly, the feedback and beautiful comments. I hope this latest update felt a lot lighter to read. I'll keep this short as I'm drained today; nevertheless, I wish you a great weekend.

Looking forward to reading what you think of this update. Take care always, and keep those love vibes rolling. Much love. X

[reidgraygubler]

a different type of high (spencer reid/reader) pt 4

Title: A Different Type of High (part four)

Request: no

Couple: spencer reid/gender-neutral!reader

Category: angst in the first half, some fluff in the second half

Content Warning: mentions of death, talks about parent death, relapse scare, suicidal ideation, talks about drug usage and drugs, anxiety/panic attacks, explanations of nightmares/night terrors, swearing, intrusive thoughts,

Word Count: 4,514

Summary: Reader nearly relapses because of the anniversary of her mother’s passing. 

A/N: this one does deal with some heavier topics (see CW's), so please proceed with caution. I originally had t his as on big long part, but, uh, it was too long. So it’s two parts… anyways, thank you all for the love and support! check out my masterlist!

last part  series masterlist  next part

{***}{***}{***}

I sat in the living room with my eyes on the coffee table. Several orange pill bottles sat lined up on the edge. The way the light caught the plastic caught my attention, mostly in a bad way. I was already on edge, and my day was already ruined. Any number of things could have made my day bad, but we can easily put the blame on my mother. And, I’m not just saying that because she’s an easy target. No, I’m blaming her because she died a year ago on this very day.

I was hungry, and not for the food in my fridge. No, I was hungry for the high and the nothingness. The high that was dangerous and could likely kill me. Maybe that’s what I wanted. I mean, the only person I have in life to keep me grounded was Spencer… And we’ve only known each other for a short time. What if he’s faking it all? He doesn’t really care about me. He just says he does. Saying stuff I want to hear.

My body was on autopilot as my hand moved towards the bottles. The grip I had on the lid was tight like my life depended on it. Mostly because, in that moment, my life did depend on it. That was until a slip of paper caught my eyes. An unfamiliar handwriting was scribbled across the paper, but a more familiar name was at the bottom. 

Just because I’m at work doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you! Please call me if you need help with anything! 

-Spencer

I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at the note. I have no idea when he would have written it and put it there. But it was the exact sort of pick-me-up I needed to stop me from making a stupid mistake. 

I stood up and shoved the paper and bottle of pills in my pocket before making my way to the door. My keys and a small stack of quarters sat on the side table beside the door, they ended up in my pocket. 

My feet moved themselves, and I soon appeared at the laundromat down the street. There were a few people there, and I could tell they 

hadn’t been there for very long. I just hope my phone call to Spencer wasn’t too long and they didn’t listen. Although, why would they listen to a random girl’s phone call? They don’t care, they won’t care. 

I quickly made my way towards the payphones, going to the furthest one to ensure my own privacy (again, they won’t care). I fished out the quarters as I sat down. It was kind of amazing how quickly I dialed Spencer’s number, and more impressive how fast I remembered it. It was the next number I remembered after my address.

The phone only dialed for a few seconds before he answered. I would have assumed he was busy with work or something. But, I guess, like his note said, even if he was busy, he was thinking about me. I’m pretty sure he was just saying that though.

“Hello, this is Doctor Spencer Reid,” he spoke calmly like he didn’t know what was happening. Well, that was probably because he had no idea I was on the verge of a breakdown. “Hello?”

“It’s… It’s me… Spencer, Spencer, I…” I swallowed roughly as I stared blankly at the wall in front of me. I could feel my heart beating a million miles an hour and hear the beating in my head. It was nearly deafening to me. Being alone didn’t help the anxious feeling. “Are you home?” My voice was a light whisper, and I wondered if he even heard me ask. I don’t even know why I asked if he was at home. I knew he was at work. It’s only 3 pm. Maybe I was just hoping he’d be home, and he could come over and save the day, make me feel better somehow. How though? I’m not sure. Spencer’s a fix-it type of guy, I’m sure he’ll figure something out.

“I’m still at work. But I should be home soon. Why? Is everything okay? Are you okay?” He asked, his voice heavily laced with concern. It was that moment that I realized he did care about me. 

I closed my eyes and brought my hand to rest over my mouth to muffle any sobs. “Are you okay? I need you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.” He asked again when I stayed silent. I let out a deep sigh and shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me.

“I, uh, I… I want…” I let out another deep sigh, hoping he’d know what I was getting at. “Please don’t make me say it,” I whispered and looked at the counter. My fingers rapidly tapped against the smooth surface. We both knew I had to say it and admit my defeat and the fact that I was sitting in the laundromat, with a bottle of whatever drug I had hidden in my bathroom. “Fuck,” I shouted before slamming the phone down on the hook. The other few people in the laundromat looked at me with caution in their eyes. 

“What?!” I looked at them before I tightly tugged my sweater around my body before storming out of the laundromat. The pill bottle in my pocket rattled with each step I took, and it was getting very difficult to move without wanting to take anything. Tears sprung from my eyes, blurring my vision the longer I was outside.

When I finally made it back to my apartment, I stormed to the bathroom. My reflection scared me. I almost didn’t recognize myself. It was a little horrifying, seeing myself as so unrecognizable. So, I stared at myself, my hand in my pocket, rattling the contents inside.

I scoffed before shaking my head. My hand came out with the bottle, and my eyes looked down at it. My thumb fidgeted with the lid, wanting to pop it off and pour the contents into my mouth. But, instead, I chucked it to the sink, the lid popping off and pills flying everywhere, before I ran to my bedroom.

I pulled the blankets over my body to hide from the world. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and face and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. That’s a shame too… Nearly two months clean and all I wanted to do was not exist and ruin everything.

{***}{***}{***}

I jumped awake when a very loud banging came on the front door. I looked around my room before swinging my legs off my bed and leaving the room. I dragged my body across my apartment and to the front door, where the banging hadn’t stopped.

I pulled the door open and looked up. Spencer was standing there, looking at me with a frantic expression on his face. I stared at him with wide eyes, my earlier fears and anxieties quickly returning. I had nearly forgotten about calling him too. Damn it.

“You didn’t do anything, did you? You didn’t take anything?” He asked, looking down at me. I took a deep breath and shook my head. I stepped to the side and silently invited him inside. He stepped inside and looked back at me, before looking around my home. He was probably looking for any signs of current drug use. The only real sign was in the bathroom… Where the bathroom had a grenade of pills explode all over the place. We’ll just keep him out of there… For now...

“No, no, I didn’t. I swear I didn’t. I, uh... I took a nap and cried it out,”  I rubbed the underside of my nose. I pressed the door shut before turning around to look at him. He was looking at me, he still wore a panicky expression in his eyes and it made me feel sick. He doesn’t believe that I didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t believe me either.

“What happened?” Spencer finally asked as I walked up to him. He opened his arms up and allowed me to hug him. I honestly didn’t want to answer him. Everything about today was already awful, and I just wanted it to be over. “Can you tell me what happened?” He asked after a moment of silence. I let out a deep sigh after he pulled his arms away from me. He noted my deep breath and wrapped his arms back around me. 

I turned my head away from his chest so I could have a coherent sentence. Er, well, as coherent as it could get. “My… It’s the anniversary of… Of my mom's death,” I swallowed roughly. Spencer looked down at me before squeezing me harder. I pressed my face into his chest and shook my head. “And, I just…. Wanted to disappear. I don’t know…” I spoke, my words being muffled into his shirt. One of Spencer’s hands cradled the back of my head while the other held me closer to him. “I didn’t want to be alive at the moment,” I whispered. 

“Don’t say that,” he returned the whisper. His voice vibrated in his chest, and it felt good against my head. The way he squeezed me made me feel safer in the moment. “Please don’t ever say that again,” his voice cracked at the end. I bit my lips together as I started to cry. “Don’t even think like that,” his voice got even lower, probably because he was also crying and he was just trying to mask that fact.

“You don’t get to think that way either,” I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows. He looked at me as he remembered when he was gone for a week and how he stood in front of several people with loaded weapons. 

“This isn’t about me… It’s about you,” he whispered, bringing a hand to my face. His thumb brushed away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks, but that was basically useless because I couldn’t stop crying. But it felt good to cry, to be honest. “You’re still young and have so much to live for. Someone has to save you,” he looked down at me, his hand still holding my face. I feared that he was only doing it to make sure I was still here and alive. Which was a weird fear for me to have, and I suppose for him to have. 

“So are you, Spencer,” I whispered as I leaned into his touch more. He swallowed roughly as he kept his eyes on me. His eyes grew glossy the longer he stared at me. “You save everyone… But who saves you from yourself?” I furrowed my eyebrows. Spencer sighed deeply before hugging me again. 

“You do,” his whisper was hardly audible, so I was happy I heard his words. I wasn’t so sure what he meant by that. I mean, obviously, I was the thing that kept him sane while he was home. But, I don’t exactly know how I save him though. So, I was unsure as to why he told me that.  “It’s just been difficult for me recently. But, I’m working on getting better,” he spoke softly. And, I swear he said ‘for you’, but it was so quiet I couldn’t be sure. Even if he did say it, I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to hear it.

We stayed silent for a while, and we just stood in each other’s arms for even longer. Being in his embrace made me feel safe, and I know I said that earlier. But it’s true. I wonder if he felt the same.

“You alright?” Spencer looked up at me. I looked down at our hands and nodded. “You look like you haven’t slept in a couple of days,” he spoke, his tone was soft and gentle. I could tell that he really cared and was trying really hard not to sound mean. I didn’t mean to take it to heart the way I did, but I did.

“Not really,” I grumbled and looked down at the ground. I shrugged and quickly glanced at him. He was looking at me with an apologetic look on his face, silently telling me that he was sorry for suddenly offending me. I shrugged it off like it was nothing. It wouldn’t be the first or last time someone offended me over something so… small and unimportant. He shouldn’t be sorry, it’s my own fault. He was just asking if I was alright.

 “The last few days have been rough for me, ya know? Especially with this whole thing,” I sighed deeply and shrugged again.

“If I stay here, will you promise to get some rest,” Spencer offered, grasping both my hands. I looked at our hands with a dullness in my eyes. I was beginning to zone out because of how tired I was getting. Spencer lifted a hand and gently rubbed my shoulder. I sighed and looked down before looking up at his face.

“I’m having nightmares, and they’re really realistic… That’s why I’m losing sleep,” I whispered. Spencer looked at me before pulling me into a hug. “And they’re about everything. Me, my mom, you, drugs, dying, death… I don’t know,” I mumbled into his chest. I pressed my chin into his chest and looked up at him. Spencer looked down at me with a smile on his lips. We were really close to each other’s face, and I know he noticed that too. “I like when you spend the night,” I noted, changing the subject to something lighter, even though it was that much lighter. 

“Really,” he asked, raising an eyebrow and smiling lightly. I nodded and returned the smile. “Why’s that,”

“Because then I’m not lonely, and left with my thoughts,” I whispered as I stared at him. I’ve never noticed how pretty his eyes are, with their golden and greeny color. He looked at me like he saw something, but I was clueless about what he saw. “And, whenever I’m with you, I feel safe and at home, in some weird way. I’m sorry. I don’t know. The exhaustion is starting to hit me now that you pointed it out,” I sat back away from him. I pressed my hands into my face and shook my head. “I just never sleep anymore and I’m honestly used to it at this point. But I’m tired all the damn time,” 

“I’ll be here, you can rest. You don’t have to worry about anything hurting you,” he whispered before wrapping an arm around my body. I looked up at him and nodded. “Let’s lie down?” he asked softly. I nodded before going to walk to my bedroom. Before I even got the chance to step a foot away from him, Spencer picked me up and carried me. I looked at his face and furrowed my eyebrows. “I’m fully capable of walking, you know,” 

“I know,” Spencer smiled as he readjusted his hold on me. He was carrying me like a backpack, but on his front instead of his back. “But you’re tired,” he hummed as he held me tightly.

“Yeah, I am,” I looked at him with a smile. Spencer laughed at me and shook his head. Our faces were close again, closer than before. And, for some reason, I really wanted to kiss him. Which, again, is weird. He’s my best friend… And I want to fucking kiss him. It just felt like the perfect moment for us to kiss. But, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I can’t lose the one thing that’s keeping me grounded. And he can’t lose the thing keeping him grounded.

Spencer carefully kicked my bedroom door open and walked in. He laid me down on one side of the bed before going to the other side. The blanket was pulled over both our bodies and Spencer was close to me.

“Please get some sleep,” he whispered, brushing hair away from my face. I looked up at him and nodded. “Do you want me to rub your back?” 

“I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” I laughed before rolling onto my stomach. “My bestest friend ever,” I hummed as he started running his hand along my back.

“Aren’t I your only friend?” Spencer joked lightly.

“Ah, not only that. My bestest friend,” I looked up at him and smiled. Spencer shook his head before brushing his fingers across my eyelids, somehow getting me to close my eyes. 

“Go to sleep,” he whispered. I giggled and nodded before moving closer to him. Spencer returned the laughter before wrapping an arm over me. 

{***}{***}{***}

I wrinkled my nose as I noticed a weight across my body. It wasn’t like an emotional weight like I’ve been so used to waking up to recently. No, there was something actually on top of me while I was asleep. So, when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t too surprised when I saw something on me. However, I was more surprised that it was another person. That’s right, Spencer stayed the night.

His arm was strewn across my torso, and his legs were entwined with mine. His head was resting on the same pillow as me. The way he slept so soundly and restfully made me mildly jealous. How come he gets to sleep so peacefully and I don’t?

I hope he was as peaceful as I thought. There was probably not a bad thing he was dreaming about. Unfortunately for me, I was freaking out because I dreamt that I watched my best friend being killed.

I laid back, pressing my head into the pillow before turning to look at Spencer. His nose twitched as he stirred lightly before hugging me tighter. I held my breath, worried that my breathing would wake up. But, it did. There was no need for worry. He must be having a good dream with all the humming and hugging he was doing. 

I looked at his face, mesmerized by the way he slept so soundly. The way his eyelashes pressed against his cheeks, and freckles dotted the bridge of his nose. His lips pouty and slightly parted. I didn’t even realize he was awake and I was staring till he said something.

“Hey,” he murmured, pulling me closer before nuzzling into me more. I smiled softly as I looked up at him again. “You don’t have to go to the bathroom, do you?” he hummed as he closed his eyes again. 

“No, I don’t,” I replied back, giving up on any chances of getting up. We might be here for a while, so there’s probably no point in getting out of bed with Spencer holding me hostage. 

“Mmm, good,” he opened his eyes and looked down at me. The tired smile on his lips made me feel warm and safe as I looked at him. “How long have you been awake?” he asked, his thumb rubbing circles on my shoulder.

“Not long,” I whispered, looking right at his eyes. He looked back at me and nodded. “How did you sleep,”

“I think that was the best sleep I’ve had in a very long time,” he closed his eyes again, “Something about your bed is very comfortable,” he looked down at me and smiled. 

“Is it the bed or is it because you’re sleeping with someone to cuddle with?” I asked myself as I stared at him. “I’m happy you find my bed comfortable,” I laughed lightly. My bed is not comfortable. So I know he didn’t find it that comfortable.

“How did you sleep?” he asked, placing a hand on my cheek. I swallowed roughly as I stared at him.   

“Better than the previous night,” I shrugged a little bit. Spencer frowned as he readjusted his hold on me. “Let’s make breakfast,” I spoke out loud before sitting up, pushing his arms off me. 

“Breakfast?” 

“Yeah,” I smiled as I slipped out of bed and grasped his hand to pull him out of bed. He grumbled before standing out of the bed. I smiled at him before practically skipping out of the bedroom. “I’m sure I have something!” I spoke out loud, knowing I have nothing much for breakfast.

 I went right to the kitchen, instantly eyeing up the loaf of bread that was probably a little stale. I grabbed it and opened the fridge, happy to see a carton of eggs. And with that, I made eggs in a basket. I hope that Spencer would enjoy that. Considering it was one of the only things I knew how to make.

“Coffee?” Spencer asked as he slowly walked into the kitchen. I turned around and pulled open a cabinet. A can of Folgers was sitting on the top shelf. I pouted as I stared at the can.

“I don’t think it’s good,” I muttered as I pulled the can from the shelf. “I probably had this stupid can of grounds for an embarrassingly long time,” I spoke as I looked into the can and noted that the grounds were kinda gross and kinda clumpy, causing me to pout. “No coffee,” I muttered, tossing the can to the garbage, only to miss and go over. The can landed with a clang on the ground. 

“We can always get some later,” Spencer smiled as he bent over to pick up the can. I raised my eyebrow at him as he tossed the can to the trash, without failing.

“We?” I asked, turning to watch him lean against the counter. He shrugged and smiled.

“Why not,” he shrugged again. I smiled as I looked at him. It was only then that I realized I was burning the food.

“Oh no!” I jumped around to the stove to remove the pan from the stove. “I hope you’re okay with burnt eggs and toast,” I pouted as I looked back at Spencer. He had stepped closer to the stovetop to watch me. He looked very amused with my laughter and urgency with cooking. “Don’t laugh!” I looked up at his face.

“I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you panic over food before,” he pointed out with a smile. I looked down at the burnt food as I carefully moved it to a plate.

“I’m hungry,” I muttered before shrugging. I looked back up at Spencer and shrugged.

“That’s a good thing…” 

“Being hungry? How is that a good thing?” I scoffed and raised an eyebrow.

“You have your appetite back,” Spencer pointed out before he lifted me up to set me back down on the counter. It was so effortless as he moved me. I was impressed that he barely strained to lift me (unless, he did and I was just oblivious to it).  We were at the same level now, and I was able to look him in the eye instead of at his chest. 

“Why’d you do that?” I looked at him before looking at the counter beside me. 

“So we can have an eye to eye conversation,” he smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and looked down at the plate of two burnt eggs in a basket. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked, watching as I started picking at the food. He smiled as he stood between my legs. 

“You just did,” I smiled, trying to pretend like I wasn’t suddenly anxious. Why ask someone if you can ask a question? Why not just ask the question? That’s like #1 reason why people get anxious. 

“I want to take you to the office, so you can meet everyone,” he whispered as he grabbed some food too. I looked up at him with wide eyes.

“You want to take me… To the FBI…” I stared at Spencer. I almost relapsed yesterday and had the worst day of the year yesterday... And, he wants to take me to… The FBI to meet his friends… I could feel bile rising from my stomach. It honestly took everything in me to hold back the sick. So, I slowly lowered my hand and food back to the counter.

“Yeah, they’re my family, and you’re my family… So, that also makes them yours,” Spencer smiled at me. I dropped my shoulders as I stared at him. I really didn’t want to argue his logic there, but I understand why he said that. 

“Won’t… They’ll… Spencer, that’s… I don’t think that's a good… They’ll ask how you know me,” I whispered as I looked away from him. He rested a hand on my knee and looked at my face.

“We won’t worry about that right now,” he whispered in a reassuring tone. I stared at him and shrugged.

“What’ll we tell them? When they ask, ya know?” I looked up at him. Spencer stayed silent as he looked around my kitchen. I could only assume he was thinking really hard about what we would say and how we would lie to his family. 

“I’m not sure,” Spencer shrugged as he grasped my hands. I looked down at our hands and felt a frown forming. “I don’t know,” he whispered and shook his head. It was obvious for both of us that we would have a hard time being around his friends. Everything about telling a bunch of FBI agents that you’re addicted/was addicted to drugs can be a little (alright, a lot) intimidating. What are they going to do? The worst thing is they arrest me and fire Spencer. “Don’t overthink it,” he looked up at me. I nodded.

“I just won’t think about it,” I forced a smile before shrugging. Spencer gave me a knowing smile. “If they’re your family, Spencer, then they’re my family,” I sighed deeply as I looked down at my legs. I pulled my hands from his before rubbing my hands up and down my thighs. “And, I’d love to meet your family,” I sighed even deeper as I looked up at him. His face lit up a little bit with my words, and it genuinely made me feel happy. 

“You’ll love them,” he whispered before pulling me off the counter. I wrinkled my nose before looking up at him.

“I mean, I’ve already met Emily. And, she seemed definitely cool,” I laughed as I grabbed the plate. I looked at the two burnt pieces of bread. I tossed them into the trash and looked up at him. “I just hope everyone else is just as cool as she is, and even as cool as you,” I cocked my head as I looked up at him. He stayed silent before pulling me into a hug. “When would you even want me to go?” I asked once he released me. My stomach felt upside-down as I asked my stupid question. “Whenever you want,” he spoke softly. I looked down at the ground and nodded.

 “I should let you get to work. I know you don’t like being late,” I pouted, “I’ll see you later?” 

“Of course,” Spencer smiled before hugging me again.

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