#that said. i envy their friendship. i truly do. and the whole lyrics of the song just reflected something about them i wished i could have.

[aprilblossomgirl]

first and khaotung having a duet for the soundtrack of our skyy 2 x the eclipse can be so personal to me. *be right back crying over the sweetest lyrics*

“no one else, you’re number one. you’re my everything, your world’s my world. it’s so amazing to have you around. you’re the only thing i can’t live without. just to have you here with me.”

and they expect me to be okay after those lines. please. 

[enduringsea]

( rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the kind of music they listen to! put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people! no skipping! ) / tagged by @yellowcrumpet​ ╭( ･ㅂ･)و )))

Thanks for the tag! I LOVE these things-- I don’t rlly have a playlist either though, just a mess of music files on a device I haven’t updated so I’ll be checking my YouTube history too lol. There’s a uhhh.... pattern to be found, mainly relating to Code Vein or other OCs.... which isn’t surprising ._. ;; I made it a separate post bc I knew this was going to get long and rambly with lyric snippets and crying about fictional characters, sorry :D

1. Repeat Until Death - Novo Amor don’t go / you’re half of me now / but i’m hardly stood proud / i said it, almost oh i’ve been low / but damn it i bet it don’t show / it was heaven a moment ago oh i can’t seem to let myself leave you / but i can’t breathe anymore This one gives me Loubeth vibes ok, partially bad end route ;-; While Elizabeth is a very strong person, her friends are the most prominent reason she tries to do anything at all & isn’t living day-to-day in a monotonous grind to survive without a solid purpose other than ‘help random ppl bc it’s the right thing to do’. If she loses them, it’d ruin her & hammers into her head how everything she’s ever done has been a failure. She suffered a major betrayal by her boss before the Collapse, she was unable to fully participate in proj. queen despite her incredible test results, she failed to defeat Cruz and take her blood during Operation Queenslayer, and if she fails to protect the people she’s finally found meaning with? She’d break down completely & destroy herself to save them. She’s always had some level of abandonment issues, and without her family around it’s so much worse, even if it isn’t the most obvious because she’s generally seen as very well put together-- I really can’t express how much it would hurt her to lose Louis, Yakumo, and the others. She’s just not one to show just how bad it can truly get for her mentally and emotionally-- she’s resilient as hell, she’s been through hell repeatedly and survived it all, so it’s easy for others to assume she’s fine all things considered. It makes her feel weak and ashamed of herself if she shows any level of vulnerability, so she doesn’t; she swallows it down and is afraid of disappointing those who look up to her as a fighter and friend-- of course, no one at Home Base would blame her for being vulnerable, they all have their moments, Bethy just sets herself to such a high standard it’s difficult for her to talk about her own suffering in spite of how well-versed she is in getting her thoughts and feelings across otherwise. Louis is the one most keen to how deeply she’s hurting, but he doesn’t understand just how deeply until she finally does fall apart. The final swell of the song and its desperate lyrics really relays the pain they both feel-- Louis too would not fare well if something happened to Elizabeth, because he blames himself she was even involved in Operation Queenslayer for a long time, I honestly did so bad in explaining coherently, this song just has so much emotion and hurt behind it adklfjdfdff </3

2. Looking Out For You - Joy Again this is a love song for a girl who will never know it’s about her she's beaming that smile / all the while i’m all tripped up on my own throat i guess there is no hope This song reminds me of Elizabeth & my friend’s character Takashi Fujioka, who gets-- vERY...FRIENDZONED, for lack of a better word, by Elizabeth in his story, it’s really summed up best as tragic (;﹏;) Before the Collapse they were hitting it off, then the Collapse happened, they were separated, he lost his sisters, Mido happened, he was experimented on + became a revenant, etc, etc; years have passed since then & she’s gotten her life together as much as one can in a world like Vein, but for Takashi it’s like no time has passed at all. Elizabeth is subtly older in appearance, she’s been working w Lou & Co. for a long time; Loubeth blatantly have a connection, & rather than bringing up his feelings + making it awkward bc he values their friendships, he just kinda. chokes on them & does his best to help out the team. It doesn’t help he can’t even be jealous bc Louis is a really solid friend to him too, IT’S JUST A MESS OF A SITUATION & the death of what could have been if things were different.

3. Closer - Teagan And Sara ( no lengthy explanation for this one thank goodness, I’ve just been watching BoJack Horseman again and I really like some of the songs they add in, I like listening to this one on loop when mindlessly coloring something )

4. Brutal - Olivia Rodrigo  all I did was try my best / this the kind of thanks I get? they say these are the golden years / but I wish I could disappear ego crush is so severe / god, it's brutal out here I have it on a playlist for Elizabeth somewhere, not all of it applies to her but it reflects some of her struggles she has both before & after the collapse. She’s-- always kind of been a mess while under immense pressure + has serious self image issues, this song hits that side of her well. She’s been held to humanly impossible standards by both herself and her family bc frankly? She can reach them, she’s NOT exactly human. She was born into her position as a hunter & intends to keep it for as long as she lives (like revenants, her kind is very much ‘either gets killed or lives 5ever), even if some days she really feels how heavy the burden can be. She didn’t have a normal childhood and she’s fine with it for the most part, but it alienates her from most of her peers-- she never got to date anyone, never had a close group of friends, never went to parties that weren’t formals, etc., while she feels a little childish about it, she does envy ‘normal’ and understands the pressure she’s lived under her entire life has caused damage-- she has been exploited for her abilities, there’s just not much she can do about it but to keep going, rlly.

5. Freaks - Surf Curse  don't kill me / just help me run away from everyone  i need a place to stay / where i can cover up my face don't cry / i am just a freak / i am just a freak UhhhHHH this song really makes me think of Oliver Collins :D;; thank TikTok for showing it to me. It makes me think of how scared he was, of both the world and the revenants who captured him. The song’s use of the word ‘parasites’ really makes me think of Revenants and the BOR parasites XD I’m hoping when I poke my video editor again, I can record some Oliver footage to make a short video to this song. Oliver deserves so much better, I wish you could save him, but that’s what AUs are for, hahah.... The second half of the lyrics make me think of the AU I have where he lives and has to grapple with the guilt of surviving and the things he did to other revenants to get by too.

6. All Eyes On Me - Bo Burnham you say the ocean’s rising / like i give a shit you say the whole world’s ending / honey it already did you’re not gonna slow it / heaven knows you tried got it? good / now get inside I haven’t seen the Netflix special yet but I’ve had this song on repeat since my move started. The lyrics hit too hard & resonate with my existential dread, covid exhaustion, and extreme burnout in my 20s, but bc I have Damage I can also relate it to CV ._. ‘you’re not gonna slow it, heaven knows you tried. got it? good now get inside’ makes me think of--;; the bad end route again, and Elizabeth’s desperation to keep her found family together. It’s not like her to completely stop caring about an issue, but in the moment she realizes what’s being taken from her? She doesn’t want to save all of revenant-kind if it means she’s going to wind up alone all over again, her world is effectively over if she’s forced to be alone again. The MC frenzying means the only immediately identifiable hope she had of saving everyone else is gone, so why not just go home? If they’re all doomed, she wants to at least be together for a little while longer, it’s fine if they use her blood to survive & everyone else in the mist is out of luck, it’s soul-crushing bc I’ve never had her in a situation where she’s been this reckless, despondent/hopeless, and thinking irrationally where it’d impact more than herself-- especially when she’s normally goal-oriented, organized, meticulous, so on so forth: she’s not one to act without thinking something through first, but that last breath of light just got sucker-punched out of her. All she wants is home, comfort, and family, and ultimately in the bad end route she does manage to preserve their lives, maintain the mist, and supply blood beads, but her own condition leaves her on the throne-- it’s a mix of the bad, neutral, and true ending rlly ldkfjdf BUT YEAH enough rambling on that :D;; This song’s really good and touches a lot of different thoughts and ideas both in real life and my ocs, kind of embarrassing--;; thank u bo burnham for ruining me with this beautiful song

7. Yellow - Coldplay look at the stars / look how they shine for you / and everything you do your skin / oh yeah, your skin and bones / turn in to something beautiful do you know / for you I'd bleed myself dry Does this song make me think about JackEva? Yes. Yes it does. Star / night sky symbolism? Bam. Sappy lyrics about love and finding the person you’re with absolutely mesmerizing and worth dying for? BAM. If JackEva were capable of using their own blood to save each other, I can see it-- hJNGn they just care about each other so much, Jack cries for her even though they both knew that eventually one of them would succumb to their duty, and if the roles were reversed I can see Eva doing the same, I adore them beyond human language. On my CV RP blog, my Jack’s not shippable bc-- Eva, my friend even have them looking after his nephew (an oc--) at one point. I should seriously drop some headcanons down eventually....

8. Louder Than Thunder - The Devil Wears Prada  are we meant to be empty-handed? / i know i could, i could be better i don't think i deserve it / selflessness, find your way into my heart all stars could be brighter / all hearts could be warmer 

LMFAO throwback to my middle school playlist, I’m old-- I’ve applied this song to a lot of things back in the day, but I really connect it to Loubeth now, especially Louis. Lou & Bethy are both functional idiots who are too hard on themselves & have trouble recognizing their worth beyond what they can do for others. They’re trying to be better-- to make up for what they perceived wrongs they’ve done, but it’s hard, they don’t believe they’re worthy of the love and support the other gives, but they still yearn for that sense of security. After Louis’ memories are returned, he finally understands the guilt he’s felt since he became a revenant and it really skews his self-perception; he blames himself for so many things & Elizabeth, who has always been able to kill when necessary, sets it straight-- “It’s not your fault”, and it takes Louis some time to properly absorb that message. He thinks she’s just trying to comfort him, which she is tbh, but she’s not wrong: “It’s not your fault you couldn’t kill someone. It was never your job to kill anyone.” It’s up to people like her to do those sort of things-- Elizabeth may not have been present when Cruz frenzied, but if she had been? It would have been over before it started, that’s something she has regrets over, even if nothing could have been done since she was already on the field. Actually, she’s actually really quite angry that security failed to monitor Cruz properly and has a few select words for the ones there who could have actually done something before it got out of hand-- civilians and doctors are exempt from her shtlist bc they’re not meant to be killers (so don’t worry Artorias, she’s not ready to bite your head off!), but they had to have some kinda security detail rite o-q??? They’re probably hiding from her wrath-- BUT ANYWAY, she insists she’ll never blame Louis for not being able to do something as serious as killing another person. He was a normal human being who cared about his friend, not a failure, and he couldn’t have been expected to do something that shouldn’t have fallen on his shoulders in the first place. As many times as it takes, she’ll reaffirm that it wasn’t his fault, she’s not angry, he’s always done his best and her opinion of him hasn’t changed. He’s a good person and she loves him through all the hurt, though she doesn’t drop the word ‘love’ for a long time. It just-- takes Louis a while to accept she views him as someone worthy of the love and respect she has for him. It’s kind of ironic she’s so adamant on Louis not blaming himself considering she’s the one privately blaming herself for-- wow there’s too much to unpack, she feels guilty she was even born?? im so broken over these two. I love them and yet they SUFFER... 

9. What I’ve Done - Linkin Park i'll face myself / to cross out what i’ve become erase myself / and let go of what i’ve done today this ends / i'm forgiving what i’ve done

I have Louis Amamiya brainrot and I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks that this song fits him super well & it needs to become an AMV dsjfkldsfd. I’m a near life-long Linkin Park fan and this fits with Lou so well thematically. As much as I’ve gone on about Louis’ guilt, he does steel himself to keep going forward in spite of it and make things right, for everyone. Maybe it wasn’t really his fault, but at the end of the day his inability to kill Cruz in that moment left a disaster in its wake that got a countless number of people killed-- the MC included with Karen and Aurora. He doesn’t want to run away from the truth, doesn’t want to make excuses, he wants to take responsibility for it and he’ll work himself to death if it means things will be better-- it’s both admirable he’s got a strong resolve and VERY concerning with how willing he is to die for the cause, please don’t overdo it, Lou, you’ll break mine and Bethy’s hearts ._.;; It won’t always be easy, there are moments the grief gnaws at him, but in the end he does overcome it (and uh. as in the bad ending, we know he can actually do it this time). I know we can’t see everything, but I would have loved deeper character interactions, especially with Louis with an emphasis on grieving + forgiving himself properly-- but this song really is nice with the whole ‘I’m going to face my mistakes head on, forgive myself, and keep moving forward’. It’s what Louis deserves: self forgiveness and a damn break ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

10. Call of Silence - Hiroyuki Sawano you will know you're reborn tonight / must be rough but i’ll stay by your side even if my body's bleached to the bones / i don't want go through that ever again so cry no more / oh my beloved ngl idk if those are the correct lyrics, buuuuuuut....... im a weenie and am internally weeping abt loubeth after midnight, what else is new lmfao- i’ll at least try to be brief :D I also used to really like Attack on Titan when I was in high school, I dropped the anime years ago because I was waiting for s2 and never got back to it once it started airing again, I thought I’d finish it once the anime was complete since I eventually caught up with the manga, such a good series BUT ANYWAY-- I think it’s a really pretty song and Loubeth fit with the tender lyrics. IT’S LATE, idk what to say about them other than what I’ve said already dsklfjdslf im sorry I really ramble a LOT and I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t had the chance to >w>;;

[waywardnerd67]

Sealed With A Kiss

Summary: (Y/N) has her entire winter break planned out until her childhood best friend crashes her plans and changes her mind on the holiday season all together. Characters: Jensen Ackles, Reader Pairing: Jensen x Reader Warnings: Fluff/Seasonal Depression Word Count: 4102 (with lyrics) Prompt: My Only Wish (This Year) – Britney Spears (lyrics in bold) A/N #1: This is for @julesthequirky Winter Holiday Challenge. This is solely based off my own personal feelings of the holidays because I’m truly a Grinch with it comes to Christmas. A/N #2: As always this is unbeta so all mistakes are mine. Likes, comments and reblogs are splendid and I will love you doubly for them! Enjoy! Special Note: This is a work of FICTION and should be enjoyed as such. I mean absolutely no disrespect to the Ackles family as I truly adore and admire them.

(Y/N) kicked off her work shoes as soon as she walked through her front door. For the next five weeks she would be off work with no responsibilities, no deadlines and no one god awful holiday parties. She always saved up her vacation time to take off from Thanksgiving through the New Year. Everyone who did not know her well always asked what kind of fun holiday plans she had. Her answer was always the same.

“No plans. I don’t do holidays. Just five weeks off to stay home and sleep through until the New Year.” The look on people’s faces always made her chuckle. Pure and utter disbelief that someone would hate the holidays.

(Y/N) changed into her favorite pajama pants that were stolen from one of her best friends and her favorite band t-shirt. Curling up on her couch with the Chinese takeout she picked up on her way home and the bottle of whiskey, she hit play on the horror movie cued up on her Hulu account.

She smiled widely seeing her best friend on the screen. (Y/N) and Jensen Ackles have been friends since they were in grade school back in Dallas. She had been by his side throughout his entire career and watched with pride as he turned into a celebrity. Other than Dean Winchester on his hit show Supernatural, her favorite character was Tom Hanniger from the movie My Bloody Valentine.

Seeing him on the screen made her heart ache. His gorgeous olive eyes and charming smile never ceased to render her weak in the knees. What started as a school girl crush had turned into her falling head over heels for him. Never wanting to risk their friendship she kept her feelings bottled up deep within her. Being the support pal through every rocky relationship he had.

Seeing the credits rolling on her TV she shut everything off and snuggled onto her couch letting the sounds of the blistering wind outside lull her to sleep. She dreamed of the life she desperately desired with the man who held her heart. Being in his strong arms and warming her cold heart to loving the idea of spending the holidays with him. When she woke up, tears streamed down her face as her constant companion loneliness smothered her.

Last night I took a walk in the snow Couples holding hands places to go Seems like everyone but me is in love

The closer to Christmas it was getting the worst (Y/N)’s mood was becoming. It was now snowing which added to her aversion of the holidays. A seemingly quick walk to get dinner had her trapped in a god-awful snow globe of happy couples and holiday cheer. She made way to her lobby door where a black SUV was sitting outside of it. Not thinking twice, she hurriedly went inside and up to her apartment.

Turning the corner to her apartment, she stopped suddenly seeing someone standing outside her door. A wide smile spreading across her face replacing the scowl that had been there for the last couple of weeks.  

“Jensen?” she asked as he turned around throwing his arms up in the air.

“About time, pretty girl! My god I thought maybe you were dead in there and I was about to kick the damn door down.” He said pulling her into a hug.

She unlocked the door setting her food down as Jensen walked in behind her, “What are you doing here?” She asked.

Jensen kicked off his boots and shrugged off his coat leaving him in a flannel with a t-shit underneath. She chuckled at him as she hung up their coats. “What are you chuckling at?”

“You, Dean. Did you fly here straight from set?” she said as he looked down at what he was wearing. With a slight change in tone and gruff expression he could easily be Dean Winchester, his character from his hit show.

Jensen rolled his eyes at her and started looking through her bag containing her dinner. “No, these are actually my clothes thank you very much. Except for the boots which are Dean’s, but I borrowed them to come out to the frozen tundra to see you. He doesn’t mind.”

“Jay, as much as I love seeing you shouldn’t you be on your way to Austin for Christmas? I’m sure everyone is going to miss you and your family hardly sees you.” She said grabbing her food out of his grasp.

“Well, that is part of the reason why I am here. I have a plane ticket for myself and for you to spend Christmas and New Years in Austin with the family. My mom and Kenzie have been talking about seeing you for weeks along with Jared, Gen and the boys being there. Stop making that face at me, (Y/N/N).” He said sighing.

(Y/N) was making a horrified expression as panic flooded her chest. The whole reason she took these weeks off were to be secluded and away from everyone possible. She did not always hate the holidays but for the last few years she vowed not to celebrate anything.

“Jensen, you know why I hate the holidays. You know what happened in every gory detail. I-I can’t fake happy around everyone for that long.” Her voice cracked from the overwhelming panic trying to spew out from her lips.

He stood in front of her placing his arms around her tightly. Kissing the top of her head he said, “You don’t have too. You can always go upstairs to my room when it becomes too much. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I really want to have Christmas with everyone I love there. It won’t be right without you, (Y/N).”

Jensen’s hand rubbed her back as her panic and desire to make him happy fought inside her. She looked up at him sighing, “Okay Jay, I’ll go to Austin.” The breathtaking smile on his face was worth the anxiety threatening to paralyze her.

I want someone to love me And someone to hold Maybe, maybe (maybe maybe) He'll be all my own in a big red bow Santa can you hear me?

They stayed a few days at (Y/N)’s where they hung out and watched movies like the old days. They were flying into Austin on December 23rd the day before everyone was to arrive at Jensen’s house. Being back in Austin was disorienting for (Y/N). She had not been back at all in three years when life took a turn for the unexpected.

The moment she walked into Jensen’s house she looked around in horror, “Jay it looks like Christmas threw up on everything in your house.”

When she saw Jensen’s surprised reaction she knew something was not going according to his plan. That is when his mom and sister walked in from his kitchen. “Mom, Kenzie what are you two doing here a day early?”

The ladies who (Y/N) consider family hugged him quickly and then made a beeline to her. “(Y/N)! It’s been too long!” Kenzie said hugging her.

“Hey Kenzie, I missed you too.” She said trying to push down the urge to run upstairs and hide.

(Y/N) walked over to Mrs. Ackles who engulfed her into the biggest momma hug anyone could get. It took everything within her to keep the tears from falling down her face that welled up beneath her eyelids.

“Let me look at you,” Mrs. Ackles said clicking her tongue not approvingly, “Far too skinny (Y/N). That’s alright we will get you fatten up before you leave here.”

(Y/N) laughed softly looking over to Jensen with pleading eyes. “(Y/N), why don’t you go upstairs and get settled in while Mom and Kenzie help me with dinner.”

She nodded gratefully as the ladies followed Jensen into the kitchen. (Y/N) walked up the stairs to the second floor with all the bedrooms. She instinctively went to Jensen’s room, but then second guessed herself opting to go to the spare bedroom next to his. When he had bought his house, (Y/N) had helped him decorate it and the spare bedroom was specifically decorated for her though she had never slept in it.

After unpacking her bag, she sat on the bay window ledge looking out onto the lake behind Jensen’s house. It was much warm here than her city and people were out enjoying their boats on the lake. She watched all the families and happy couples with envy leaning her head against the window. There was a soft knock and then Jensen walked in.

“Mom and Kenzie are leaving now. I told them you would see them tomorrow and that you were tired on the way home from the flight.” Jensen explained as a weight felt like it was lifted from her chest.

She noticed he was nervously shuffling from one foot to the other, “What is it?” she asked getting up and walking towards him.

“It’s nothing.” He mumbled running his hand through his hair another tell that he had something to say but did not know if he should.

“Spill it, Ackles.” She said playfully pushing his shoulder.

He bit his lip looking down at her causing her breath to hitch in throat. “I was wondering why you decided to stay in the guest room? Normally… you stay in my room with me.”

(Y/N) reached out touching his arm lightly, “I didn’t want to assume anything. I mean you have your own life and the possibility of someone being with you is always there. I didn’t want to step on any toes or cause any drama.”

His olive eyes were filled with confusion and then realization hit him, “Do you really think I wouldn’t tell you if I had someone staying with me?”

“I don’t know, Jay. A lot has changed and again I didn’t want to assume anything. Better safe than sorry.” (Y/N) felt as if her heart was weighted down with the thought of Jensen having someone.

He shook his head and grabbed her bag placing her clothes back into it, “First, things haven’t changed that much that I wouldn’t let you know if I was with someone,” once all her things were back in her bag he turned towards the door. “Second, you get first dibs because you mean more to me than anything or anyone.”

(Y/N) followed Jensen into his bedroom that had not change at all in the three years she had been gone. Seeing the familiar room brought her a great deal of comfort and she watched from the bed as Jensen unpacked her things into two empty drawers of his dresser.

“Thanks Jay,” She whispered as he turned around smirking.

“You’re welcome and by the way, I’m not seeing anyone not since my last girlfriend that you know all about.” (Y/N) could not help the small smile on her lips as she watched him leave his room.

The next morning, she woke up alone in bed hearing a bunch of commotion downstairs. Looking over at her phone she saw it was nearly eleven in the morning. She quickly got up, showered and dressed trying to keep her anxiety from consuming her. She stood at the top of the stairs taking deep breaths before nervously walking down them.

We'll be all alone under the mistletoe Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year And all I want is one thing Tell me my true love is here He's all I want just for me Underneath my Christmas tree I’ll be waiting here Santa that's my only wish this year

“Good morning sleepy head.” Kenzie said from her spot on her husband’s lap.

(Y/N) put on her best smile, “I’m not like your brother who is used to traveling between time zones. Plus, I need all the beauty sleep I can get.”

Kenzie scoffed as she got up going over to her and hooking their arms together, “Come on, the women folk are hanging in the kitchen while the men do manly things.” (Y/N) chuckled waving goodbye to Kenzie’s husband.

When they walked in Mrs. Ackles was shooing out Jensen and Mr. Ackles, “Out of my kitchen. No boys until the food is ready.”

“Really this is my kitchen mom…” Jensen started to say until she glared at him and he shut his mouth. He turned seeing her standing with Kenzie and smiled brightly to her.

(Y/N) laughed as he walked up to her, “Nice bow. Are you sleeping under the tree tonight?” she asked messing with the red bow on top of his head.

“This was my payment for Kenzie wrapping my gifts for the tree. If you take any pictures they best not leak to the press or the fans will have a field day with this.” Jensen said as (Y/N) laughed.

“Oh, the fanfiction that could be written from it!” She said as he groaned.

(Y/N) hugged Mr. Ackles as he pushed Jensen out of the kitchen, “Nice to see you again, kiddo.” He said quietly as she held onto him a little tighter.

The Ackles family had always been more of her family than her own. They knew she had a rough home life and she was always welcomed whenever she needed to get away. They had helped her through college while Jensen moved out to Los Angeles to begin his acting career. Three years ago, when she was preparing for the biggest moment of her life they had all been there when it fell apart.

Soon Gen was had joined them in the kitchen as Jared and their sons were outside with the rest of the guys. With Gen coming in it gave (Y/N) the chance to sneak out the back door to the backyard and have a moment to herself. Spending time with the Ackles women had been great and reminded her of why she loved them so much.

(Y/N) was sitting on the retaining wall watching Jensen, Jared, Thomas and Shep playing their version of football. Jensen was always great with kids and it was a shame that he had not found someone to settle down with to have his own. The thought of him being a father pulled the strings attached to the feelings she had buried deep within her.

“(Y/N/N)!” Thomas yelled out running towards her. She jumped down off the wall and picked him up swinging him around.

“Tom-Tom! I’ve missed you buddy.” She said as he held onto her tightly. Shep had just been born when she left Austin and he walked beside Jared shyly looking at her.

Jared hugged her with one arm while holding Shep in the other, “Hey (Y/N), good to see you again.”

“It’s great to see you as well, Jared. Hi Shep,” She said waving slowly as he buried his head into Jared’s neck.

She set Thomas down who kept a hold of her hand as Jared chuckled, “We’re going through a shy phase. Once he gets to know you though, he’ll never leave you alone.”

She laughed looking over to Jensen who was staring at her strangely. “You okay over there, Jay?” she asked as he shook his head slightly.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Come on, let’s go inside and see if we are eating any time soon.” He said placing his arm around (Y/N)’s shoulders as Thomas kept a hold of her hand walking in.

Dinner had gone better than she could have expected, and she had a feeling it was because of the spiked soda Jensen was feeding her to help with the nerves. After dinner they all piled into his living room to watch It’s A Wonderful Life together. Thomas was snuggled between her and Jensen on the love seat where he fell asleep within minutes of the movie starting.

By the end of the night, everyone had said their goodbyes and made plans to meet up for New Year’s Eve at the bar Jared owned. Before Kenzie and her parents left she smiled widely at (Y/N) and Jensen looking above their heads.

“Really Kenzie?” Jensen said rolling his eyes as (Y/N) saw the mistletoe attached to the beam about their heads.

Kenzie nodded, “Oh going on you two. It’s not like we all don’t know how you two have been pining for one another all these years.”

(Y/N)’s eyes went wide as Jensen’s face burned red. The panic that had not been there all night hit her harder than ever before. It was different this time though, there was also hope attached to it and that was something that scared her even more. Her body began to tremble, and she felt Jensen tighten his arm around her.

“Goodnight Kenzie,” He said firmly as their parents pulled her along while she pouted slightly.

Once the door was shut, (Y/N) wiggled out of his grasp feeling as though the room was closing in on her. Without a single word she turned towards the back door quickly going out into the backyard. She took a few deep breaths trying to calm herself down, but all her emotions were bubbling up too fast for her to control.

As soon as the first tear fell the dam broke free unleashing three years’ worth of tears. Jensen was by her side in a flash, “(Y/N) it’s okay. It’s okay, Kenzie was just trying to get a rise out of me.”

His panic voice may have caught her attention, but it was what he said that had her chest tightening. “W-What do you mean?” she asked sniffling.

He looked down at his feet, his hand running over the back of his neck. “Apparently, my feelings for you have been painfully obvious to my family since we were kids. However, for me, it wasn’t until you were supposed to get married that I realized that you were the only woman I ever wanted to be with.”

His eyes locked with hers and she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. They stared at each other for what seemed like eternity until he broke the silence, “Say something, (Y/N).”

“I… I can’t…” she said running back inside his house and up the stairs to the spare bedroom. She shut the door and leaned up against it fresh tears falling down her face.

Tell me my true love is here He's all I want just for me Underneath my Christmas tree I’ll be waiting here Santa that's my only wish this year

The next morning, (Y/N) woke up to the smell of bacon and coffee. She looked around seeing she was in Jensen’s room snuggled up with his pillow. The last thing she remembered was crying herself to sleep in the spare bedroom. When she heard the door open she looked up seeing Jensen with a breakfast tray in his hands complete with red bow on it.

“Morning,” He said softly as he set the tray down, “I figured you could have breakfast in bed and relax this morning.”

He stood up walking towards the door then stopped not turning around, “If you want to leave early after last night I completely understand. Your ticket home is open ended so you can choose whenever you would like to leave.”

The sadness in his voice broke her heart and in all the confusion of what had happened she did not take into consideration how he must have felt after she ran off. “Wait.” She called out as he turned around his eyes still downcast.

“Have breakfast with me.” She said scooting over carefully to make room for him on the bed.

He approached the bed hesitantly and sat down making sure there was plenty of room between them. Silently they ate together an awkward tension building between them that had never been there before. She could see the internal dialogue going on within Jensen and how he was blaming himself for it.

(Y/N) got up setting the tray on his dresser and then climbed back into bed wrapping her arms around his waist feeling his body tense up. After she did not let go, he finally wrapped his arms around her and laid back on the mattress with her. So many times, they had laid in bed like this, but it suddenly felt completely different and what scared her the most was how much she loved it.

“I’m scared.” She whispered her ear pressed to his chest listening to his rapid heartbeat.

He took a deep breath, “Of what?” he asked.

She leaned up on her elbow looking up to him, “I’m scared that you actually have feelings for me. I’m scared of losing your friendship.” She took a deep breath, “I’m scared that I’m damaged beyond repair and undeserving of you. Most of all, I’m scared of the hope I’m feeling that you feel the same way I do and then I’ll be left at the alter again. I don’t think I could go through that again especially if that meant losing you.”

She heard him suck in a breath and then he moved to sit up resting against his headboard. (Y/N) was surprised when he pulled her onto his lap holding cradling her in his arms. Her arms instantly went around his neck as his eyes bore into hers.

“I’m scare too and for some of the same reasons. Hearing you talk about how you’re damaged or undeserving makes me what to find you ex and not only kick his ass but shake his hand to thank him.” He said as (Y/N) gave him a confused look.

He smiled, “Well I think it’s only polite to thank him for being a complete douche for leaving an amazing woman at the alter so that I can have the chance to win her heart. I should have punch that guy from the get go when he asked you out after setting me up with my ex just to get me out of the way.”

“Wait, what? He knew you liked me?” she asked stunned.

Jensen nodded, “Everyone knew I liked you except for you and me. He set me up saying we could go out on a double date and then he showed up with you. I felt like I got punched in the gut and you were so happy that I couldn’t do anything about it but be there for you. When he left you at the alter it took Jared and my dad to keep me from finding him to beating him within an inch of his life.”

She sat there shocked by his revelation, “Do… do you know the real reason why he left me?” she asked looking down at his chest.

She felt shake his head and she looked up at him, “I received a letter from him on Christmas afterwards. He told me that he had found the woman of his dreams and they were both in relationships. They decided to run off together to elope but that they would be moving back to Austin to start a family in the house he had bought for us. A few weeks later, I saw them walking down the street holding hands, laughing, smiling and I immediately left Austin moving as far away as I could.”

Anger flashed before his dark olive eyes before he shook his head, “Bastard.” He whispered.

“Jensen, what happened then has a huge effect on me now. I… I don’t want to screw this up rather it’s a relationship or our friendship.” She said quietly biting her lip.

He placed his hand on her cheek his thumb gently running across it, “You’re not going to screw up anything. We will be in this together, but I don’t think I can go back to just being friends. It’s too hard to hold back from kissing you and wanting to hold your hand at all possible moments. It won’t be easy especially with my schedule, but you know how I am. If I want something bad enough then I will work my ass off for it. I want this more than anything, pretty girl.”

Jensen leaned in his lips brushing against hers hesitantly then she pressed hers against his firmly. It was not the first time they had kissed, but everything was different. This kiss sealed their future in place and any doubts she had vanished completely.

“Merry Christmas (Y/N),” he whispered against her lips.

“Merry Christmas Jensen.” She said as he kissed her again.

Well he's all I want just for me Underneath my Christmas tree Ill be waiting here Santa that's my only wish this year

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