#that religion instilled anxiety in me of the world and a sense of dread as far back as i can remember

[raroteatro]

ohhh the exhilarating feeling when you realize life is just getting started

[james-tea-kirk]

Man, I’ve been wanting to write a post since Tuesday and, like, It’s amazing to see the drafts in my head change constantly with even the most minor events happening. Will my life ever slow down and be quiet? Probably not, but it’s how I asked for it to be

I’ve gotten to a point with a lot of my long-term endeavors of fixing issues that the now obvious conclusion is there is nothing I can do. No long message I can send, no outing, no gift, not even a situation to happen in my life that I tell them to actually give power to any more effects I could compose. There’s an odd peace to it, but it isn’t a peace that can conclude things Not in the way of “the compromises to my issues will never be how I want them”, it’s actually more “I don’t think they truly understand my position and any compromise made hasn’t been made out of a full understanding of the issues foundation” which is even worse to me than the original issue.

Why? Sadly I can’t actually tell you the solid reason cause I am not my friends, but I can make pretty sure assumptions. 

None of the friends I physically see often have ever had to survive in their lives. I mean truly mean survive. Not to discredit their hardships, maybe more discrediting how they utilize them. Two of my close friends may criticize Christianity to hell and back, but I’m starting to notice the differences in the foundations of how we cope and handle things from the past and present more deeply now than ever. Hate to give Christianity the credit, but these foundational morals, empathy, ways of understanding and giving perspective, are from the values instilled within me through that religion. I don’t mean that people without the background don’t have the skill, rather, they usually have a different way of using the skill. I have seen others without the background utilize them in the ways I do too. However, I will say it was my own smarts that took the values taught from the religion and disconnected them from it, making it a universal skill.

Christianity, specifically evangelism, forced upon a lot of moral/lifestyle-like topics. The ones that really stuck with me that I can recall are:

Every human has a story that should be heard, empathized, understood, and utilized with to further their journey of having a testimony to share within the light of Gods glory

Don’t praise God only when times are good and pray and cry when times are bad. Praise God during all hardships and pleasures and welcome his plan into your life with whatever comes from those events. Learn from hardships and utilize pleasures to live a fulfilled life in Christ

Forgiveness is key to moving on and showing mercy to one another

Think about your comfortableness and question if becoming uncomfortable could be the solution/the right thing to do. (This was mostly in reference to when it came to open prayer, talking to your friends about God, and altar-calls)

Know that whatever happens in your life is a plan and a reason. Do not stress over not being in control, rather, find freedom in knowing it’s all to help and benefit you (This one gets a lot of controversy and flack, but it does ease anxiety to the surfaced minded)

Don’t be bitter or anger for what has happened or is happening. Find ways to use it to strengthen you by using Gods love and glory to help you

Don’t pray for things to happen. Pray for guidance and strength for whatever is planned for you (This was also is confusing/gets flack due to there being an emphasis on “praying for the world/sick/dying ect ect” in the public church square. That type of pray is more to cushion the helplessness humans feel during times of demise where nothing can be done within an individuals/small groups power, not really of questioning Gods plan)

Don’t go through your life alone, especially with bitterness

Love and the pursuit of God is what humanity needs to pull us together again

Now, let's take those foundational beliefs and make them more universal/humanitarian outlook (Which is technically what most enlightenment scholars/past powerful politicians did when it came to adapting the humanistic morals that religion brought):

Every human has a story that should be heard, empathized, and understood. This person should be empowered by other to utilize their experiences to go forward, experience emotions, and learn.

Have a perspective that respects both happy times and sad times, fight the feeling of over-sulking and over-indulging. Let yourself experience the emotions that come and go, learning gratefulness and wisdom from the endeavors, Use what you learned to help others during their times of good and bad

Forgiveness is key to moving on and showing mercy to one another (This one can stay as-is)

Think about your comfortableness and question if becoming uncomfortable could be the solution/the right thing to do. (NOW this can reference more if something is making you uncomfortable, don’t fight it completely. Ask why, and dissect it in depth to help you and/or the other people in this scenario. If it can’t be explained semi-neatly, it’s irrational/purposeless beyond trying to make you //possibly with unintentional selfish intentions// feel okay)

Accept the unfairness of life with a motto of it all about how you look at it. Yes, there are some things that will never really have a ‘good reason’, but there's nothing wrong with acknowledging it’s overall terribleness, but learning good things from it to not repeat it

Don’t be bitter or anger for what has happened or is happening. Find ways to use it to strengthen you by using what you have learned, the people around you, and what you know you can learn to help you

Instead of wasting time in wishing things could be your way/better, find ways to use the situation to make it better for yourself now or in the future. This will force you to learn self-responsibility, patience, and communication among other people in areas it is a possibility to do so

Don’t go through your life alone, especially with bitterness (Again, stays as-is)

Learn to love the gift you never wanted (life) and try to help others in finding their peace. When helping others through vulnerability, emotional guidance, and love, you too will find peace and purpose.

You may say those values above are obvious-- but are they? Sure, they’re obvious in belief, but within actions, they’re lost. That does go for both sides, too. I wouldn’t be surprised by the few eyes who read this will find the teaching I was taught in church to be ‘wrong’ and ‘thats not what churchs teach you’. Trust me, there was a lot of wrongness I went through due to church, but you know what? Acknowledge the bad, and learn the good things from it. Living the example, baby.

I would say the one that is most lose is the one about uncomfortableness. Too many times have conversations been shut down or never fully understood because someone felt ‘uncomfortable’ and that is a valid reason in their mind to drop the topic. I’ve been a victim to this too, but I can honestly say it’s been a while since I’ve done it. The act of questioning and truly seeing if maybe you’re a victim of a belief you don’t want to let go because it makes life easy for you but not for another is such a lost art. It has its dangers, too. Obsession and increased sense of distrust towards yourself can happen, and it sure isn’t fun. But with knowing that’s a possibility, doesn’t that just give you another tool to apply this skill to your life because you now are guarded?

I will say there is a difference between someone shutting down a topic due to those feelings and someone asking if they can think on it and come back another time so they CAN think clearly on their feelings and the others stances. One is avoidance, one is self-awareness of how one learns.

In this time of waiting and hoping, I am alone. I’ve been feeling so dreadful since the last week of December of 2017, probably one of the worst times I’ve been going through, but no one knows. Hell, I’ve been told more time within the past month that I’ve been the brightest I’ve ever been. 

Do you know why? It goes back to what I said above: I’ve done all I can do, and nothing in my power will change anything. I do not obsess over the reality over no control, rather, I accept the fact with sadness, but try to live anyways. The issues It’s all on the shoulders of those I hope to hold close for the rest of my days. The weight is currently an oblivious one right now, though, and I can’t give you the exact time it’ll show itself, but it certainly will be soon.

If anything, it isn’t even a huge weight, it’s what they make it. I’m not one to force someone to speak what they say, at least I try not to be. But never got any confirmation of understanding of fully where I come from, how hard it is for me to even stay friends with them. Not even because of their character, but all their stories are filled with events that I can only dream of experiencing. Truly talking to their parents, knowing family love, independence, privacy, freedom, just being yourself without future fear of huge repercussions. These things won’t fully disappear when I grow up, they will linger with a foul stench. It would be nice to know the people closest to me would verbally confirm that “Hey, I know I can’t do anything, and I know you know that too, but I love you, okay? I know it’s hard seeing us live and breath and you have to sit on the bleachers for longer than you should, but I will try my best in everything I can do to make you feel what I’ve always known to be true, okay?” and show it a little too

There wouldn’t even need to be a huge (or even any in parts) change in actions or what they talk about. It’s the matter that I feel/practically know the foundational things behind those things that can make me emotional isn’t fully understood. “It’s anxiety, it’s aroace, its parents”. Okay, but what about those things? Are you really willing to swim in the mud I’ve been drenched in my entire life for a few seconds so I can feel understood and know you will live on understanding me from that experience of vulnerability? It’s not like that’s what I’ve been doing and have been praised for being so “understanding” and “Selfless” for as long as I can remember. It isn’t some skill you can’t obtain, I had to work my god damn asshole off to be like this, and I’m sick of constantly feeling like this teacher/role model everyone loves but will never actually take seriously and learn from

God, I want to go home