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theshabozengine · 4 years ago

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Rank the mainline persona and SMT protags by skill in bed.

Alright finally I can make my opinions about SMT sex known

So right at the bottom of the fucking list is Yu from Persona 4

any fucking dipshit that dresses like this is is 100% bound to expect you to do all the work in bed while he lays there like a dead rotting fish. The only fucking fingerbang this man is aware of is the fucking South Park one because he thinks its edgy and cool to watch South Park. He also friendzones you immediately after he pump-and-dumps, riding off into the fucking sunset expecting you to be happy about this outcome.

Never EVER get you a man like this.

Next up is Boy With Earring from Persona 1

This man just does not fuck, plain and simple. He looks at you, see how you’re dressed and scoffs at the idea of getting dirty with you. This man has no human drives whatsoever. This creature is barely sapient, yet still a better more considerate lover than Yu. Has a weird thing for ice play though.

Third worst is Flynn from SMT4

Now its not his fault, unfortunately. See he’s friends with two other dumbasses and theyre constantly interrupting whenever he tries to get things started. Sometimes youll even be gently kissing Flynn, looking deep into his eyes when suddenly his gaze goes behind you, eyes filling with worry and you dont have time to brace yourself as you hear the shout: “ILL END IT THUS” and then your asshole is on fire because his dickhead friend didnt use any lube and its just an overall bad experience cuz then you have to keep trying to start the night with Flynn over but Walter keeps fucking showing up so you have to keep pray for the love of God that Isabeau escorts this dumbass out but then because you thought of God suddenly Jonathan’s there now and he’s just a mood killer and the night’s ruined and its just...

Its really not Flynn’s fault, but he will never be able to satisfy his partner.

Next up is the Tamaki duo from If

They really wanna try their best in bed but just look at these two, they have no idea what theyre doing. They can be redeemed if you feel you can teach them the ropes, but thatll be a whole long drawn out process and itll take them a very long time to understand the concept of an orgasm.

Kei Azume from NINE is next on the chopping block

This dumbass is just high, constantly, and the sheer reek of weed nugs permeating through his sheer existence deletes any and all desire a person could ever feel around them. Look at this Shaggy-looking mother fucker. This dumbass lives in a van and fucks his dog. However, unlike Yu, the dog at least gets an orgasm from Kei.

Unfortunately next on the list is Joker from Persona 5

He really really wants to fuck good, and boy he sure does try, however he always talks about how adults suck which brings up too many questions while his dick is inside you, an adult, and he always tries to finish you off with some sort of unexpected sex move which is always 100% predictable and obvious as he telegraphed it the entire time. Not only that, but this whole time hes been acting weird and you try to enjoy what he really has been doing well his fucking cat just walks up and sits with his asshole directly next to your fucking face, and Joker refuses so shoo the cat and now you just keep glancing to the cat asshole every once and a while by accident whereupon you become very conscious of its existence every so often, and having that sight paired with getting pleasured the whole time leaves weird echo effects in your mind like Pavlov’s Cat Taint ringing through your brain.

Then it turns out his cat was fully aware of how awful it was being the whole time and doesnt apologize and in fact expects you to apologize for waking it up with all your stupid moaning. Bad experience overall, evne if Joker himself is very good at sex.

Next is Tatsuya from Persona 2.

He’s really eager to try and help you out, but ultimately his fingers just cant reach the way you want them to, his tongue’s just a bit too slow, and he cant thrust his hips well enough to hit the spots you want. Always out-shined by the people from beyond this point, but a nice enough guy that you wouldnt mind at least trying with him a few times.

Next is Nanashi from Apocalypse.

This absolute fucking retard has no idea what’s going on at any time during his entire life, however his big brother Dagda who’s always creepily standing behind him even when youre trying to fuck can at least guide him through it. With his guidance he can fuck like a champ, however you have to deal with Dagda watching intently the whole time and just muttering “ You've got a lot of work ahead of you, kid... And you're going to learn firsthand just how pathetic gods, demons, and humans are. Remember one thing, my Godslayer: You have no choice but to obey me.“ every five fucking minutes. Good sex but HORRIBLE experience overall.

Bit controversial this next one, but Demi-Fiend from SMT3 is next on the list.

Now his kicks are fucking great, he always listens to what you have to say, and hes a great partner overall however...hes way too rough in bed. Like there’s being rough and then theres getting donkey punched and a neck sprain and massive internal bruising. Itll be really good for a while, but unless you can stop it real quick hes gonna get really rough. This man has no control once he gets going. He will continue to escalate the situation and unless you can yell your safeword louder than an undead monk screaming he aint gonna hear. Dangerous, but youll definitely cum.

Next is Protag from SMT1

Bold choice, I know, but he will always try and pay attention to your tender areas and watch your face carefully for any reaction however slight, and then log it all in his stupid fuckin Google smart watch. Itll be a good fuck, really, but youll also have to deal with him taking a break every once and a while to fucking log it all. Does have a very big dog too, if you’re into that kinda thing I suppose.

Aleph from SMT2 just squeaks ahead of Protag

This man is just the exact same person with the exact same flaws and everything, except minus a dog. However, he knows hes packing some fucking meat in his factory. Every single other character on this list has absolutely no fucking crotch protection except Aleph. Aleph here knows hes got a fucking pool noodle packed away and hes gotta fuckin protect it. He will create a water park in anyone’s pants once he drops trow and shows off. Astolfo’s Monster cock? Nothing compared to this man.

As with Aleph, Maya also fucks like a champ.

She knows what she wants out of her sexual experience with you and what she wants is 15 simultaneous shared orgasms, and by god shes gonna fucking get it. She will run at you like a fucking Terminator and clothesline you so you hit the bed stunned as she takes absolute control of the situation. You will not be able to move a muscle once shes done, and it will be as though your Mara ran entirely out of MP. Only real flaw is once she’s done, she gives you a temporary tattoo of hearts around your nipples like her dumb fuckin shirt to mark her territory. If youre into it, then she’ll make it permanent.

Next up is SMT5 protag holding the copper trophy. Game isnt ever going to come out but you just know how nasty this slut is.

Look at this idiot, this absolute fucking baboon. This fucking man who fought Sweeney Todd to death and won barehanded gives no fucks. Look at his awful fucking outfit and his garbage fucking haircut, then realize that even with all this he is confident. He’s a chad even with all this stuff that everyone else would tear to shreds. Why? Hes one of the best in bed. He’s fucked everyone who tried to step to him out of house and home. Once this monster’s engines rev up he will force you to see heaven. “Oh, hon, I just want one orgasm tonight” you might try to say before he can make you see white but then he just fuckin looks at you and smirks. That one orgasm you have is so fucking powerful you become dehydrated for a month.

With the silver comes Makoto Yuki from P3

Similar to SMT5 above, this man should be bullied into oblivion but hes not. Why? Sex god. This man is so fucking powerful at sex he literally gets a clay golem and a robot to fawn over him for the rest of their eternal lives. This man fucked so hard his friends all got mindbroken once he moved on and they foguht each other to the death for the right to his dick. This man fucks so well that he defeated fucking death with the power of how much everyone loved his dick. When this man died from fucking too much you know what he did? He went on to fuck concepts and evil gods instead. This man literally ascended to a higher power through the sheer power of dickening. Also when he fucks you his music choice is the best for breeding.

And with the gold: Doomguy from Strange Journey

This absolute perfect specimen has literally everything a person could ever ask for: His cock fits snug, virile, fit, handsome, and best of all hes independent. He doesnt need to rely on an tricks or anything to get your orgasms flowing, hes just the pinnacle of sex. This man marches into your father’s house, and just through sheer presence without a single word said makes your father beg him to take your hand in marriage. Marriage whereupon he will be the perfect husband and always treat you with respect, and even if you mess up he will forgive you and help you through any difficult periods in your life.

Literally everything and anything you could want in a man: If you like it rough, he can do it. You want it gentle he can play ball. Whatever hole you want him to stick it into hes got the perfect way to arch his hips to fit what you wanna feel at any point in time. Ooh baby, absolutely get you a perfect man like him. The planet Earth itself tried to woo him, but he said no since he knew the person reading this post was out there, and he wanted to make sure he was there to love you.

#persona #shin megami tensei #smt #Anonymous

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hearingmyselftalk · 4 years ago

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interesting phenomenon, really

the things you learn from the people that you date.

you learn what you like and what you don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and what you absolutely won’t stand for... but something i never thought about until my last relationship is: what are peoples thresholds forreal? and at what point is acknowledging these thresholds the right time to?

what do i mean by thresholds? people’s tolerance, expounded. what are people really willing to put up with when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend. you know how people date and joke around and say, “if i were to get into some kind of freak accident and left bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life, would you still love me?” that’s a super high threshold innit?

if we were to scale a threshold or were to explain different levels of tolerance as scenarios to ME, they would go as follows;

-losing a job -finding out you’re depressed/anxious some other kind of mental ailment -repetitive, never ending, annoying arguments -physical ailment, something long term or something like losing a limb, or facial disfigurement -toxic arguments where there are often low-blows, using something said in confidence to you as a defense, verbal abuse -terminal illness of yourself or direct family members -death of a close family member

along the lines, i’m sure there are other various scenarios that would test a persons tolerance or their threshold for dealing with you like if you murdered someone or, just having too different of opinions or even something smaller (i guess i figure the smaller things would get weeded out earlier because if those things bother you now, you figure you would address them now, but that’s for another time) however, you really have to know the person you’re dealing with.

that’s really my bottom line. it sounds so simple like when you say it outloud, but really, investing so much emotionally and mentally into a person, when it comes down to bullet two, repetitive, annoying never ending fights... i’m just different because one) i believe in picking and choosing your battles and two) i genuinely have thought ive found the person that i would obviously prefer not to have fights with, but if they were gonna be with anybody, they’d be with you...and it doesn’t ever happen like that for me is what i’m trying to say.

i’ve grown EXPONENTIALLY when it comes down to how i handle my relationships. i really really need to work on the whole “leave before you get left” ideology because it’s not working. it just doesn’t work. and that’s not even what i really want. i’m truly a lover, and im a firm believer in fighting for the shit that you really want. nobody ever wants to fight for me though. LOL. i read in mark mansons book unfuck yourself, about being a winner. telling myself we weren’t going to end up together and we would stop talking, is me being me, self sabotaging, and at this point, miss me with manifestation because that shit doesn’t work for me either, but saying that and then it happening is literally me winning. but in the bad way. in the way that mark said that we fuck ourselves. by inadvertently or subconsciously and even really more often than not consciously make decisions and essentially have thoughts that turn into exactly what ends up happening. i end up winning but not really in the way i want.

but then i ask myself, can i even be mad, really? can i? i knew that he wasn’t sure about me for a long time, so i believe i’m equally guilty of knowing the cards could have fell like this. but then the lover in me says, i stayed to see if anything would change, but the reality is, you can’t love someone into loving you. and as much as i wanted to put a lot of ... i don’t want to say blame but a lot of the weight on “a man” knowing about you, right, knowing if you’re “the one” or “her”, but i feel like if you’re in a place where you’re even questioning if you think he’s certain about you, or if you’re ballsy enough and wanna fucking ask, hey, how do you really feel about me, do you feel like i could be right, or am i just for right now, and if he straight up tells you, it ain’t you, you’ve got choices, but one of them ISN’T getting mad at the fact ya’ll break up because he finally decided he didn’t want to be with you anymore.

how mad can you get, can you be, really, right? if you willingly participate and spend time and make yourself available for someone who reciprocates time and energy but not affection. they won’t talk about relationships with you in a realistic way. they speak to you as if everything is up in the air and they have no kind of control or role to play in the situation. you can’t be mad at that. you can’t blame someone for finally making up their mind.

and, speaking of getting mad, you can’t get mad about someone not being sure about spending the rest of their life with you, or even what a future looks like with you, if you yourself can’t even see the future!! make it make sense. the only concrete plan i really have for myself is suicide, and i’m a super high functioning depressive, so that sounds really sad or whatever, but i mean, really, that’s the only thing my mind reverts to whenever i think about the future forreal. even when i’m “happy*”, i don’t ever see me 5 or 10 years from now, like in a better place, happy.

i wonder if that’s because i’m just a negative, miserable ass person, or if, like i’ve said before, my depression just really does not allow me to see into the future. i don’t even like trying to project months time, because fuck, anything could happen. it seems easier to predict negative timelines or realities than positive ones, because my happiness doesn’t really seem to exceed 2 years. and sick of me to frame the basis of my happiness on when i was in relationships but i know me. but really, i don’t see anything when i think about the future, it’s like just this completely blank slate and anything could happen... it’s like im sure ill be alive i guess somewhere but living where? doing what? with who and i had what? nah. it’s just not, realistic, i can’t plan for something i can’t even imagine.

but i don’t know why being in relationships make me happy?? i’ve tried to reason it within myself and i’ve got some pretty solid theories: - weird familial dynamic when it came to showing and expressing love to each other has me desperate for a non obligatory love, that actually caters to my love language - obviously being with someone who makes you feel good and you vibe with and shit literally does shit to your chemically but yeah what the fuck ever -trying to make up for attention i didn’t get when my sister was sick, so i’ve turned to romantic love as an escape, or attach romantic love with feeling happy because i was in a serious relationship with someone when my sister first got sick so having that person to go to made me feel better -unprotected sex -im just a codependent person because i dont have any other friends, hobbies, interests or activities i like to do, so being up under someone and consumed with them gives me something to do -gives me hope?

i think i might really be getting down and into some shit right now... i was going to say to myself well why would being in a relationship give me hope, and i know i was saying that because i often feel worthless and like nobody will love me forreal, but it’s like, why is that the basis of happiness for me? i love love, but love might not really fuck with me forreal because the fact that i even am doing this shit for love, but getting fucked by love, or letting some fuck ass boy tell me i’m worthless like be an end all be all for me... or somebody deciding that they don’t want to be with me or that i’m not the girl they want to spend their life with, why should that bother and break me so bad?

why does that end up being the bottom line or how shit comes back around? i didn’t really attach the fact that i was with someone that made me feel good when i was going through something that would change my life forever. completely. i think this is it. i rely so heavily on relationships as a source of happiness because when i was at my lowest, my relationship made me feel good.

it just dawned on me, i’ve never had a relationship that ended on a healthy amicable note, or that wasn’t overly explosive and “passionate”... and i think i blow up because i associate people i love leaving me, with abandoning me to be back alone with my problems i have due to my sister being sick.

im unpacking these things. that is a completely new concept that i had never thought about or realized before. i knew i was USING relationships to overcompensate.... i remember telling ____ _, i use people/guys im dating as an escape from my reality. when you don’t want to see someone losing their mind, you want to be with anybody that can keep you away from that and make you feel good about yourself. you want to be with and around someone that’s going to make you feel normal.

that’s another thing i’ve been thinking about lately... my lack of knowledge about various kinds of mental health fucked me too. if i had even an inkling that it was a much grander spectrum than crazy socio psycho i would have been better prepared. i blame tv. i blame schools. nowadays, you see advertisements for all kinds of mental health issues. and good for people now to be exposed, but i feel like i was blindsided by not knowing. i would have spent less time being upset about it because i would have known better.

i feel like i kind of just, one day got tossed into that life, or like literally that’s when my season of the truman show, but featuring me was on. and it was just a terrible fucking time in my life.

i started taking some drugs to help, i stopped them though, but they did really work. i just wish i didn’t have to remember them or stay on such a routine about it... i didn’t feel anything at all. and that’s how i would love to feel all the time. just neutral. i remember watching a soldier coming home and surprising their mom or something video and wanted to cry even just happy tears and my body wouldn’t do it. i said i would take a pill before tomorrow, when i’m supposed to be meeting up with the guy who i’ve spent the out of the last 16 months? all but 3 collectively (if you added up all the single days out of the last 16 months, it would probably equate to 3 months i did not see this person), and now we don’t talk. i’m crushed but also ^^^ ????? you see what the fuck i’m talking about. i can’t be mad.

that’s really what i keep saying to myself. literally, everyday i tell myself. “he’s going to talk to, and have sex with, and date, and kiss and talk to other people. he probably is now. he is going to date her for a couple of months, make her his girlfriend, they will get engaged, or have a baby and that is what will happen because we are 30 and that’s what happens when you’re 30. you find someone else and you just move on” no joke. i say that to myself everyday. it really helps too, because when we first stopped talking, i used to get the worst gut wrenching anxiety, to the point i would feel like i was going to throw up. thinking about him with someone else, laying up with someone else, exploring and just doing the little shit with someone else, it stings, but i did get through typing out that off the script part of my mantra about the reality of dating without my stomach turning too much.

my body had been tried to tell me to get out. and i ignored it for so long. i don’t think we would rekindle this relationship. if it was up to him we would never talk about it again, and we would actually probably never talk again. if i see him tomorrow, if he doesn’t flake on me. i know the whole vibe will be different. i know he won’t try to sit next to me or want to talk about it. i’m just going to be coming over as a friend, to smoke and watch black monday.

the real test will be going into his crib and sitting in his presence, it’s been over a month, and my stomach is actually going crazy thinking about that, but again, that’s my ever active imagination. i’ve always had one, even as a kid. thinking up literally the most dramaticized versions of situations that would never ever ever fucking happen, like really like some only in the movies shit and even then it would be a fucking corny ass cringey ass movie. im getting queasy thinking about some shit and how awkward it will be, and he’ll end up texting me to cancel the whole shit before this misery can actually play itself out. lmao.

it hurts to feel replaceable when we were so cool though. and honestly, dating him is a regret i actually have. i regret that, forreal. i would have preferred to just have been friends. because knowing what i know and have been known, that i was i never her, i always knew that wasn’t going to magically change for me, even if i played along and put on the monkey suit. it was always on some “im just tryna see” shit.... it’s like why even mix shit up or get so involved? i knew he didn’t know, he knew he didn’t know, we both knew he didn’t know, and the conversation “youre either gonna accept it, and stay or leave” it’s literally so fucking insulting but when you actually fuck around and accept it and stay, that’s when you’re sick and you fucked up on some real shit. but when you’re thinking to yourself “if i leave, this nigga won’t care” and like you KNOW, leaving would only prove yourself right... you really just feel stupid.

but that’s really my thing though. at the end of the day, i was really fed up, ready to get the fuck on and be over it. i was mad and upset and talking crazy and real slick, but after a few weeks i would have reached back out to him like i dont want beef, and i legitimately don’t think i would be here now dwelling on shit. it’s like i was already out the door right, like, i had all my shit, my coat, keys, phone, wallet, mask, feelings, everything. i had never been so ready to be out in mY LIFEEEE... and then it’s like you went and did the one thing i put emphasis on meaning something to me and like at an attempt to grasp straws or like not lose the fight, you did that, and then turned around and flipped on me and now treat me like i said fuck your mother, eat shit, i hope you die.... i’m just confused. that’s why im torn like am i really not shit... or do the people i meet and glorify really just be terrible people? i kind of think just off the fact that he did that, i shouldn’t talk to him ever again. to practically beg me to not stop talking to you, it like literally feels like you only did that shit so that YOU could be the one breaking things off. and that’s beyond petty to me. it’s super vindictive, and like we say shit is mean, and people are mean, but like in the context of things, doing something especially specific to someone that to them means you care, and then renege on that, you might as well had just spit in my face forreal.

i have a feeling stronger now, that we won’t link up tomorrow.

link. lol. at 3:50 IN THE MORNING he texted me asking me about this stick figure dancing really silly that i sent it to him talking about thats how i dance in his kitchen, and it’s hard to think he wasn’t up after having just fucked someone and probably saw something similar to that and was dying laughing thinking about the one i sent... so when i sent it to him, he asked for a link to it, probably because the screenshot of the video i sent had me laughing in it or something, and he couldn’t show that to the new girl bc “he texted a “friend” (non gender specific) and they had the video and wanted to see if they still had it”

but a goofy i am that i thought he mayyyy have meant link with me, with all that extra emphasis, and of course, when i replied in extra innocent confusion, i don’t have the link only a screen recording.. he said oh. lol.

when we decided to stop talking in general it was goofy. i email him saying i miss you, he unblocks my number and texts me somewhere between i miss you too and im pissed off still and so we talk and he’s like oh i spent this last week hating you for no reason and yadda yadda and then that segways into me talking about us being done, and he goes “why are you so finite about everything, i need to time to just sit and think” just to still turn around in the same day and be like yeah naw we don’t talk now. everything is a mixed message, but i’m just gonna chalk it i wouldn’t dare even try to bring the shit up unless he tried to. but that was it. like okay we don’t talk no more. and again we didn’t have screaming matches or block each others number again after that or any other petty fights. so for us to go from seeing each other to every day to it’s been over a month, and texting someone who would text you back within 3 minutes, not even respond to you for hours or even the same day.... the shit is all just weird. it really makes me even second guess being around him because it’s like, i know i still care, but that’s just me hurting myself to care. at this point, he’s accepted that it’s over and done with and his life will go on and he’ll date new people and hang out with new girls and get to know them and like completely throw me away like the fact that it doesn’t even feel like this person is even a friend now is completely beyond me. maybe im just that fucking far removed from dating and breaking up so me expecting someone to still want to talk to me is asinine and insane but what the fuck ever.

honestly, i’m a better writer or more expressive when i’m depressed. in a manic depressive episode, i thought for a second, if i start documenting what i write when i’m sad, and i get a really good series of short sad stories or these bouts of where i just want to say some shit like this whole post, then when i kill myself someone will find them and ill be like a fucking world renown emo writer like poe, saying beautiful miserable shit that people relate to and relate to it so much more because the pain of what i go through is seared into them, so they get it.

pain.... i thought earlier about pain and suicide..... and how people who are suicidal and are looking for a way out but would like it to be as painless as possible are people who already deal with too much pain they know they can’t take anymore because they want to leave, but they literally also can’t take anymore because it’s like, give me a fucking break. then you have the suicidal people who do shit like suicide by cop or slit their wrists or set themselves on fire and shit, and i think, people like that feel so much pain, maybe they’re incapable of even registering the out as painful... maybe having to feel that is nothing compared to how they feel all the time...

#just rambling

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chaoscrystals · 7 years ago

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Every note in my phone 22

I guess this is the turning point for me. I'm almost embarrassed at how psychological my journey is. Its all thoughts... Its time to unearth the suppressed and forgotten memories I have, and hopefully uncover the cause and cure the cause for me not believing in life. Sometimes everything feels fake. I feel like I'm used to being dissapointed, and to hearing people talk a big game but have nothing to show for it, and its all breaking my heart. This has to be the turning point because I want to kill myself. So I'm sitting on the fence, like teal swan said suicidal people do. And I've never actually tried to kill myself, not like Michael who has tried to kill himself 4 times. No, I've never tried but I have been thinking about it for years on and off. I just wanna die cause I think everything is a lie. I feel like society is so sick, and everyone's just used to it, and everyone knows but no one is doing anything about it and I really feel like that's fucking retarded, and I don't understand how people aren't caused intense amounts of discomfort by eating refined sugar and salt, and how they don't cringe when they see a mother berate her child, or how I can just sit at home and watch everything happen, and not play with the other kids, I don't understand what they're talking about. I don't understand, but I want to. Isn't that the greatest human journey? Understanding everything. That's why this dimension showed up, right? So we could learn about how we really are. What a Fuck up, why are so many people choosing to not be aware? Is being unaware really so much better? Help. I'm arrogant. Fuck off mom it's not my fault you're behind now. How do you think time and children and society work? Of course I'm more future, helooooo. I'm not arrogant. Fuck I can't get it together if all these scenes from my childhood keep playing on repeat in my head. What's going on? Why am I alive? I want to kill myself I guess my main goal for today is to organize and categorize the waves of feeling I'm feeling. Some I like, some I don't like, some make me feel obligations and they are heavy. Fuck. * If you're polyamorous or in open relationships and you don't disclose that upfront, you're fake and wack and your so-called radical philosophy is actually just becoming your excuse to not confront your own emotions. Most people expect monogamy after a certain point, though I can predict this changing more than it already is now. I believe in freedom of association sexually and romantically HOWEVER most people outside of certain social pockets would be VERY upset if you and them were fucking and they found out that you had been fucking other people. I know these relationships go a lot deeper than just sex, so why don't we start acting like it? Every relationship involves emotion to some degree. Take responsibility if you've upset someone, or fall through or what have you. Fuck this shit, im sick of everyone hiding and being unresponsive. I do it too but it sucks!!! Fuck you Honestly its not natural to the human species to mate lifelong with only one person. But since we are the conscious ones, we can choose to do this and it can be healthy. How do I know it's not natural? LOOK AROUND YOU. HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL WITH THE FIRST PERSON THEY FUCKED?? Its up to everyone on an individual basis to decide their preferences. This means some people will choose monogamous relationships, and others will choose polyamorous relationships, and that's fine!!!! I want everyone to remember to BE FUCKING HONEST and to not get scared of the feeling of wanting to hide. If you're scared to be upfront about your relationships, you're scared that you're breaking a rule. Fuck it. You have to give people the freedom to choose BASED ON TRUTH and if they don't fuck with your lifestyle choices, FUCKING LET IT GO because there are so many other people just like you, I know it. I can't help it. No one is paying attention to me. I want this to change....I'm always thinking about Jonathan. Its a funny feeling, its unfolding, its different than before. I guess he's not the same as I thought, but also, he's exactly how I thought. I still want a relationship that's a partnership with someone. I can't just fuck everyone who I think I'm falling in love with. This year I have had sex with 6 people. And I don't have sex that often, but when I want it I go for it. Honestly I'm so depressed sometimes that I do it just to feel someone. Ugh. I always end up feeling sad. I really need to change my attitude towards this. Jonathan has soul connections with a lot of people..I'm jealous I feel so alone by comparison...I feel like he has all this soul family and so he's safe and he always has someone to message but I don't feel like that..I've always resorted to isolation, I've always isolated myself.. I don't feel so good. I wish someone wanted to be with me enough to actually pursue me. And be persistent about it. That's what makes me the most sad...nobody wants to be with me...I have to chase everyone around...help i want to die I want to cry I have to start by reaching out to other people. If my symptom is feeling lonely, the root of my illness must be being alone. Emotionally stranded. I feel like no one looks at things the same way as me, no one resents fluoride and refined salt, no one gets stunned and paralyzed by visions. I'm slowly meeting people like me. The antidote is at my feet. I'm sick girl I'm a sick girl. I want a relationship that is a partnership with someone. I'm so sick of this touch and go style of dating. I'm so sad....why is it so easy for people to just drop each other. I never forgave Michael for dropping me. Even though we were together for a few months this year, i never forgave him. I'm tired from the sugar I just ate. I want to kill myself and eat poison. But I have to keep holding on.. Ugh why.. I should just give up..I should just leave and throw myself down on the ground in the middle of a far away highway. I should kill myself. Nobody wants to be with me enough to persue me. Nobody wants to come to me. They only want something easy. Ill kill myself so they have a taste of what's to come, the drowning and ice caps melting, the violence, the language that changes too fast for you to keep up. Ill kill myself and then ill finally have everyone's attention. I'm lying to myself every day. I don't want this I just want to die. * I have an idea of the relationship i want. I want it. I want to sleep in their bed 4 times a week and hold hands and watch Netflix. I want to feel like I can rely on them, I want to make art and music with them. Why does Dustin have to drink and do coke? Am I going to keep acting like I'm okay with it? I mean...I am except for when I want to kiss them or cuddle them. Its like my standards are higher for romantic partners. Ew. We had such awkward sex. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful. I cried after because of my piercing loneliness. Shit, i can't keep going on like this. I have stated the problem many times and I am not moving towards any solution. IM FUCKING LONELY AS FUCK. I'm used to being alone because I had severe anxiety and it was the way I chose to cope but now it's getting old and Honeslty, I wanna live in a big house with lots of friends. I fucking cried. Nobody wants me. I have to go out hunting when I'm hungry. I wish he would do it for me But its not him either? His relationship is still digging into his sides and he doesn't eat enough. He's 28.. Fuck this Please I want to die * If this is inertia then what does passion feel like? * Cover songs to review Los Ageless New York The very thought of you Lover man I love you porgy Rehab You go to my head * Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy oh my god why. What the Fuck. I was supposed to be a boundary shattering supermodel by now. Down. I'm so jealous. Why is he like this? I have to...I want someone to pay attention to only me! I want Jonathan's attention I'm disgusted with myself. After this show on Sunday I hope I don't hear from them anymore There's no room for the poetry roses because I'm a recluse I have no room for poetry I miss Ariel even though it wasn't that great. I don't know. Maybe I'm just starved for love. Smoke a lot of weed. Maybe I'm just starved for affection, I dont know I know exactly what He's a same part of this stupid hierarchy I hate that I want to be on top of. This is compounded. The music industry. But I have that feeling in my heart and my hips. Touch me. Hold me. God I'm so lonely Fuck this shit. I will proudly be the opening act. I wanna see everyone squirm. What is it past your office hours? Ariel He is bad news It would be so easy for him to hook in everywhere I'm weak. My sexuality. I don't have room for sex and poetry, I'm a recluse, bound to fantasy, and sustained by fantasy Maybe the poetry is what I needed I feel like he looks at me and sees a fantasy but he can't be in denial of who I really am. I'm quiet. I'm not the next big thing, I just wanna play music, I'm not the next big thing, and if I was I would have much better material to present to the public. I want to play in a dive bar jazz band. I want to feel everything and be psychic. Not the next big thing today, maybe not ever. Its up to me. Why am I so stupid when I talk to them sometimes? Its like I start highlighting my insecurities which is probably the opposite of what a functioning person would do But honestly, honestly don't get anywhere near me if you ignore and disown insecurity. Think of all the people on anti anxiety meds. So its like, I have this twisted wall of thoughts up against the world. Because I'm trying to hold in my ideas about myself I feel like he looks at me with dissspointmment and resentment before ive even done anything. I don't like that. * December 18th 2017 5:43 Am I can't initiate conversation with you, and I think I want to, but I cant, and it hurts, and I imagine you with other girls, and that hurts. Every time I see you even talk to another girl it makes me go crazy I don't want to feel this way. The feeling in my chest is going to fade away This feeling in my pelvis is going to transform me I have no choice * Tuesday set list The very thought of you If I ain't got you I fall in love too easily On the sunny side of the street * Allegra Allegria You can't use him If you liked my drawing, maybe I can read to you from my diary Maybe you'd like that too Hey I love you I can have him too I'm his favorite Full of doubt Pouch Pout Cryiing for someone to hear out out My music Cool Hey I love you too Pouch Famous Pain Passion Raindrops Dog shit Lately I Can't get enough of life * Ariel I'm gonna let my phone die. Im always gonna remember you for the okay sex and the way my heart melts when you smile. I'm always gonna remember your eyes and wonder why I even think about you, and why thinking about you pulls at my heart strings, ever since... The first date Rushing Realiziing that more than sex or status i want emotional connection and support, and loving intimacy, and for someone to see into me and take care of me Why? What's this rush of feeling? I'm addicted to the city. I want to leave. But not yet................... Maybe I can....maybe it's just once. Why does this idea give me a burning feeling in my groin. I want you to take care of me It was the time a while ago you were waiting For me to make a move but i was waiting To write a hit song so I could be on my own Perpetually dizzy and in love with everything I'm well meaning but confused I'm not from here * Fuck you. Well meaning slob pulsing in my hatred artery in my pussy Fuck you bitch

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