#that might be the fact I’m more willing to be gaslight by a hot woman than a sus man lol

[skyeblue379]

Imma be honest y’all overhated on her for some of the same red flags you loved in Walt

“Poor thing, let me see…” “What the fuck?!”

The Invitation (2022) dir. Jessica M. Thompson

[pythosart]

A big ol 2019 end of the year update

I felt somewhat compelled to write my end of the year/decade thoughts, but a warning before you read: This one’s going to be heavy, intensely personal, and long. If you don’t feel up to reading that, it may be best to skip it. I promise I’ll go back to shutting up and posting art afterwards. I’m profoundly incapable of being concise, ever, so apologies for the length of this.

2019 was a nightmare.

Some background: In mid 2016, my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of liver cancer. She was given a few months to live. She was given weeks or months to live multiple times, for almost three years. In that time my mom was in and out of the hospital, but spent all her good days living life to the fullest, starting and finishing dream projects, and keeping all of us going despite her own situation. Even when she was bedridden, hooked up to tubes and bags and god knows what, she found time to prop up her loved ones and pursue her hobbies. She even managed to develop new hobbies and interests while otherwise imprisoned by her physical state, something I struggle to do at the best of times even in my young and relatively healthy form. If there’s anything I can make of this experience, it’s that I hope to grow into even half the woman my mother was.

I ended 2018 with my final quarter at SCAD. I spent the entire quarter terrified my mom was going to die while I was away from home. It was horrific, I barely scraped by my last few classes (bless my professors’ endless patience), and immediately left Savannah for home as soon as the quarter was up. I never had room to celebrate finishing college. Any other year it would be a huge milestone, but I barely even care.

This past May, my mother passed away, after three years of petrifying suspense. It happened in the dead middle of the night, while my best friend was visiting for a con, and it still feels like a bad dream. It’s also one of the only vivid memories I even have of this year. 

I wish I had more to say on that, but I genuinely think the drawn out suffering and fracturing of my whole world left me unable to fully unpack everything that’s happened. It’s hard to even think about for long, and at times I even half-forget she’s gone. I think of things I want to show her, or tell her, or cook with her. Just the other day I kept thinking I’d tell her how much I liked endive after she showed me how to make it. I found a historical Italian cooking channel that, every time I see it, I just think of how much she’d love it. I knew she’d love Hot Fuzz but never got to show her. Little, stupid things that shouldn’t matter, but they do. They just do.

My mother and I were close, much closer than I am with my dad. Especially towards the end of her life, we had gotten closer, and I felt like I was only just really getting to know her as an equal. I still want to share my life with her, but that chance is gone.

This holiday season has been especially rough in her absence, because not only was my mom the motivational and creative force behind a lot of holiday activities here, it’s the first everything without her. We had Thanksgiving with friends and a catered dinner, instead of spending several days cooking and polishing family silver and setting the table. I won’t be making handmade tortellini with her for Christmas like we did every year. It’s the little things like that.

We’re a tiny family, with over half of us in Italy and lacking much communication due to the language barrier. Family holidays were always small, but there’s just a huge hole how, much greater than the cold numeric value of “one fewer participant.” My mom was always a driving force and a keystone in our support networks, not to mention the main line of contact with the Italian-speaking side of the family, so now the family feels so much more scattered and isolated than ever.

My girlfriend was close to my mother too, and as she’s been living with me for years now and is practically part of the family, I think she took it just as hard as anyone. Cel saw everything I did, and dealt with many of the same uncertainties and traumatic experiences I did.

A month after I lost my mother, I lost my cat too. Galileo was twelve years old, a spry old man who yelled instead of meowed, and just a wonderful cat. I got him when I was in 7th grade, after begging my parents for years to get me a cat. It was my mom who eventually overrode my dad’s hesitations, and from then on Leo was part of the family. He went through a very sudden decline over the course of a week or two, and we learned it was cancer. Feline lymphoma, I think. I had to make the call to put him to sleep, and it ripped what was left of my heart out.

Not that it needs stating, but fuck cancer.

A few too-short months later, I cut ties with a “friend,” which despite how fucking much it hurt, was really for the best. At a certain point one simply can no longer afford to waste energy on a certain kind of person. Unfortunately I’m a persistently optimistic idiot, and it took me too long to cut my losses before deep damage was done. Done to me, my close friends, and even barely involved acquaintances this “friend” dumped on relentlessly and tried to harass into spying on me. Really, if any part of this is unforgivable, it’s that.

All this was, however, a valuable reminder that it’s no good to have any tolerance for habitually dishonest people, even if they think they’re doing it to look “nice.” Chronic liars will gaslight you whether they know it or not, and trying to navigate that in an already damaged mental state is inadvisable. It was an important lesson in picking one’s battles, albeit one learned too late. I’m still holding out hope I can find it in my heart to forgive this person, if only for my own selfish sake so I can move on. I have a lot of experience living on spite, and I don’t want to make a further habit of it.

Naturally all of the above did little to curb my already inflamed pessimism about the state of my country and the world at large, but I need not expand on that, I imagine.

I suppose it would be unfair of me to leave it all at that and only mention the negative, though admittedly positivity is hard to muster these days. A few bright spots of note:

Graduated from SCAD with my BFA in Sequential Art (technically last year, but I did the ceremonial bit this year)

Tabled at Animazement with Woods. We barely broke even, but it was a great time and I plan on doing it again in the new year.

Spent literally an entire month hanging out with my two best friends, which was amazing and exactly the kind of healing experience I needed around that time of year.

Properly did Halloween for the first time in years. I made a costume I’m proud of and we went out on the town… for like an hour, because it promptly started pouring. But fun nevertheless

Started therapy. As of writing this, I’ve only had an introductory session, but it’s a start. Should have started six months ago, but didn’t for reasons to be addressed...in therapy

Started volunteering at the local natural history museum, where I spent like half my childhood. I’ll be doing data entry in collections, but that’s still cool as hell

Got a start on figuring out what I want to do with my life. It’ll involve going back to school for science within the next five-ish years, but it’s nice to have a goal. More of a goal than I’ve ever had, in fact.

Played some extremely good video games (shout out to The Blackout Club and Control)

Made a shitload of unnecessary yet endlessly fun and good AUs with my friends and my one (1) OC

Got an iPad Pro and started learning Procreate, which has gotten me drawing more

Learned a bit of needle felting

2019 was a year of getting much closer to my two best friends, and I genuinely owe them my life at this point. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Nowhere good, certainly.

Woods and Dross kept me talking to people, kept me creating, told me when I was being unreasonable or needed to cool it, heard me out when I needed it but always kept me honest. They helped me keep some creative juices flowing when otherwise I’d have been at a frustrated loss and might have given up for good. If it seems like I’ve kept up my usual art output at all, and if you’ve enjoyed the Lou content (or not, whoops... apologies to everyone who followed me for monster content) you have both of them to thank.

Even moreso, I owe my girlfriend a great deal for being there for me through all of this while she herself was suffering similarly. She and I have had our ups and downs, and been through a lot in the five-ish years we’ve been together. We aren’t the most outspoken couple, but I think our mutual understanding and pain mitigated a lot of the damage this year has done. I don’t think I could have handled it alone.

Furthermore, I really need to thank a lot of other friends and acquaintances I’m not quite as close with, but still talk to. These people especially were willing to call me on my bullshit when necessary, or just talk to me at all, about anything. Even if these acquaintances didn’t know it at the time, there’s a good chance they were dragging me out of one of my frequent existential despair spirals.

I also, weirdly, owe a lot to helping my hen Julia recover from her dog attack. That was around the time that my mom’s health was in its final decline, when I felt the most helpless and despairing. I think having even some tiny something I could do to help was like, the only feeling of control I had in life for a bit there. Julia’s fine, by the way. Still queen of the yard, top chicken boss bitch, etc. Julia was always a kind of kindred spirit with my mom, in a way. Little but not to be underestimated, gray, big personality and commanding presence… Not to mention, she was one of the first in our flock and was always my mom’s favorite. 

It would be too much to say I have high hopes or plans of any kind for the upcoming year, but I do have a list of things I want to try and do. Some of which will involve art, and the posting thereof.

Big if on this one, but I’ve also recently started therapy (only took me half a year to work up to making a phone call after the first failed attempt took all the wind out of my sails) and I have…maybe not high hopes, but hopes, for that doing something to help. I should have started therapy two years ago, but the second best time is now, etc etc.

I have a lot of New Year’s resolutions, beyond the usual “get in shape, drink less coffee, blah blah” that I’ll try and write up a little list of separately. Most of them are art-related, so you all will be there to watch me swing and miss I PROMISED I’D TRY TO BE LESS NEGATIVE. New Year’s resolution #1: Maybe don’t make so many self-deprecating jokes.

Anyway, I don’t know how to end any wall of text, be it an OC worldbuilding screed or something serious like this, so... I guess, love yourself, cherish your friends, know when to put your own needs first and when to put your friends’ needs firster. One of the things my mom taught me in this past year or so is that relationships are what you make of them, and that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Be generous, be genuine, don’t be a doormat and don’t lie to people you care about, even if it seems kinder in the moment. Savor the time you have with those close to you, and spend time doing things you love. Cliché, maybe, but cliché can still be true. Happy new year, everyone. I sincerely hope it will treat us all better. 2020 may just be an imaginary change of numbers, but I like to think it really does wipe the slate in a way, and make room for all of us to do what we can to be better. Speaking of which, vote. For the love of all that is good, vote.

--

A little bullet list of New Year’s resolutions, because it’s nicer to look at

Try to get back in shape (of course) - That 30 days of strength thing was good while it lasted, despite my joints hating me

Learn some new recipes, preferably with fewer carbs, you Italian ass

Keep a physical calendar and stick with it for at least a few months

Learn at least one new skill by the middle of the year, whether it’s art-related or something else

Start writing more. Don’t have to share it, but try. Write down ideas somewhere other than Discord where they’re easy to lose

Either reopen Patreon or figure out how ko-fi works. Even if it’s for no money, just to have structure and goals.

Do Animazement again and try out some new product types

Go to SCAD career fair with a decent portfolio

Get better about spending, by whatever method works

Attend some art classes at the local collectives, doesn’t matter what

Play more video games. I swear I only played like three new things this year 

Read more classic literature and nonfiction, at least one book per month. I’ve been really enjoying Agatha Christie’s works and am about to start Guns, Germs, and Steel

Read more comics. Basically just consume more media

Do Halloween again, better this time

See friends in person more

Practice accepting whatever shitty thoughts show up and then letting them go, rather than dwelling on them

[itsmariemccurdy]

Review: The Coppersmith Farmhouse

I haven’t done a review since I deleted my OG Tumblr, but I’m so annoyed about this book, I feel the need to rant (and those reviews always seemed to get good responses from Romancelandia, haha)

ANYWAY

Synopsis:

One old farmhouse brought them together. It could also tear them apart. Gigi has just uprooted her whole world to start a new life. The unexpected gift of a farmhouse in small-town Montana is just what she and her daughter need to escape big-city loneliness. The last thing she needs is attitude from the town’s sheriff, the most perfectly attractive and ruggedly handsome man she’s ever laid eyes on—and a complete jerk. Jess knows all about women like Gigi. Beautiful. Sexy. Scheming. She’s stolen his sanctuary, the farmhouse that should have been his. But along with a face full of freckles, she’s got a sharp wit and a backbone of steel—something he doesn’t discover until after making a complete fool of himself. If he can earn back her trust and win her heart, he might just find the home he’s always needed.

I picked this one up because 1) that gorgeous cover (I know, I know) and 2) it had so many rave reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. The synopsis is on the light side for me, but I’m a sucker for gentle alpha heroes and strong leading women, so I thought it would be a good read.

I was wrong. So, so wrong. In the oft repeated words of Gigi, so effing wrong.

The writing itself wasn’t bad, though it did have some amateurish mistakes peppered throughout that made me wonder about the editing that went into it. 

Gigi spends a great deal of time insisting she’s a strong woman and insisting on the need to protect herself and her daughter from men. You see, she got knocked up from a one night stand who turned out to be a total dickbag (I’m eloquent) and then I guess decided that all men were brutal heartbreakers? Or something? Idk what kind of grown ass woman (she’s 31, the incident occurred when she was 26) and ER nurse in a “big” city (it’s Spokane, not exactly Chicago) is genuinely that sheltered. I can’t wrap my head around that, but whatever, it could happen. For all that, for all her professed need to protect herself and child, she immediately opens her doors to a man who hasn’t just been a jerk to her, he’s been an unrepentant, cruel monster. In their first meeting, he humiliates her. Like, seriously humiliates. And then he confronts her while she’s out running on a secluded country road, chews her out, and writes her a bogus ticket just to continue humiliating her. These aren’t transgressions that any strong woman would ever just brush aside.

Jess, our dashing, sexy sexy sexy hero, realizes he misjudged her. And no, unlike the synopsis, it’s not because he sees her character and her “backbone of steel,” it’s because she makes an offhanded comment about never knowing the property existed until their mutual friend died and willed it to her. In fact, even in his POV sections, we never actually find out what it is about her he likes so much except that she’s hot, and not hot like “those Hollywood girls” with their “fake hair and fake tits.” I guess the key to this man’s heart is natural boobs. 

He apologizes to her by bringing her her favorite latte, then ordering her to go on a date with him. Ordering. When, at the end of their date, which the author tells us goes well because we don’t actually see much of their interaction beyond Jess repeatedly getting his feathers ruffled and insisting she’s his, Gigi rejects his insistence that they are now exclusively dating, he says he already apologized, and she needs to “fucking get over it, already.” That’s a direct quote.

This behavior goes on and on. He repeatedly shuts her up by kissing her, including a completely nonconsensual first kiss.

He tells her that he WILL meet her daughter, despite her insistence otherwise. And what does this strong woman do? She cows to him. Every. Single. Time.

I honestly felt like I was reading the overture to an abusive marriage. Throughout all of this, the author never actually shows us what these characters like about each other except lust. I cannot emphasize enough the amount of telling over showing in this novel.

BTW, all of this is before the 20% mark in the book. The first 8% or so was interesting. I was interested to see how these characters would overcome their differences, but what I got was this asshole declaring they were in a relationship and she just goes with it in spite of all her misgivings about him. Personally, I would have been out like a trout the minute he started gaslighting me, as Jess does to Gigi throughout.

If there’s more, I honestly don’t care and don’t want to read on to find out. I DNF’d at the 28% mark.

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

[hereticaloracles]

Astrology in Action: Mac, Arianna and Pete

Helios on this clusterfuck of a love triangle– Okay, so before we dive in here, a couple disclaimers: 1) I don’t care about any of these people- I hate celebrity culture 2) Substance abuse issues and mental illness are real problems, and people deal with them in different ways 3) There are no martyrs in this story, only victims and 4) Dear god, I’m officially old- these idiots are all younger than me and wildly more successful. *sigh*

Basically, the story goes like this- Mac Miller (L) and Ariana (R) were dating. Ariana leaves Mac for various reasons, partially due to his substance abuse problems and generally not being a great boyfriend to her. The man had mental issues. Obviously we don’t see the whole picture unless we are literally in the relationship BUT when you have one person who is running into light poles because hes driving drunk and the whole thing is playing out for the tabloids to see we can put the pieces together. When Ariana leaves Mac she gets a LOT of backlash, being accused of abandoning her man when he needs her most, and she claps back hard, saying “I am not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel that they need to be. I have cared for him and tried to support his sobriety & prayed for his balance for years (and always will of course) but shaming/blaming women for a man’s inability to keep his sh** together is a very major problem.” and honestly I want that to be the main takeaway before we dive further and break this down- Ariana was right to leave and NO ONE should ever feel like you are obligated to stay with someone just because of what they might do if you leave. As someone who has stayed for the wrong reasons, don’t repeat my mistakes.

VERY shortly after the breakup, Ariana starts dating Pete Davidson (below), and we were all like WTF, why? How? Wha…? Okay? Cool? I guess? It was inexplicable and weird. They get engaged after like a week, prompting more incredulity. Things start coming out like Ari saying that Pete has a footlong cock or something ridiculous like that and Mac further spirals. This all takes place in the public eye, again. After this, we are entering more murky territory and for reasons of his own, Mac Miller overdoses in an apparent suicide; recent gossip (yesterday, at time of writing) has it that Pete Davidson exacerbated this by sending explicit pics and videos of him and Ariana to Mac, gloating in his sexual dominance. Now, this was most likely not the only reason things played out the way that they did, however it did lead Ariana to break off her engagement to Pete after she found out.

So, that gives me the final piece to put the pieces of this love triangle together, and identify it as a clear playing out of the story of Nessus, Heracles and Dejanira; a fatal centaurian love triangle. I highly recommend that you read the articles before continuing….. Got it? Good. Now, as I said above, there are no martyrs in this story, but there are victims. Lets look at the charts- First, Mac’s. So this is a ROUGH chart, not one I would wish on anyone. He LOATHED the spotlight yet at the same time had an intense internal pressure to pursue it. Full moon charts are always trying to live out their lives within the boundaries of others, and often times go overboard on this. He felt like this was his path to emotional security, and feeling love. Imagine feeling so unloved that you need to seek it from millions of people all at once…. Hell I actually don’t need to imagine that, I absolutely understand that. Now, unfortunately for Mac any pursuit of his ego needs and creative drives brought him face to face with his personal demons, and was living in a hell that he wouldn’t let anyone in on for fear of being rejected. Something big was up, and I’m going to go with deep sexual issues and insecurities there. Now all of them have major buildups in Cancer-Capricorn (mostly Capricorn) so the question comes up for them: How long are you going to last in my life? They are both the ask and the answer for each. If I had been Macs astrologer I would have absolutely recommend that he focus more on making beats, producing and not worrying about the fame or headlining a tour, or anything Solar. He also had a Superman complex in his own mind but to others that most likely didn’t translate, causing more problems when he truly cared about people and wanted to DO for them and show his love. He was ill-equipped to actually do so healthily, but in his own mind he was a hero.

Now, this brings us to Ariana. Easily the Dejanira in the story, she is not exactly innocent. As the one we have a birth time for and the “prize” for these immature boys, her chart is crucial. For starters, Pluto is bearing down on her ascendant and that will be ROUGH for her. Shes feeling it now but its honestly only going to get worse. Second of all, everything she does is a persona. She is cold and calculating, but not at all unfeeling. She WANTS to feel like a prize, something fought over- because internally she struggles with her own value. Additionally, her type is psycho. She attracts those who already have mental issues because they’re easier to manipulate. She likes keeping these men as her prizes and being prized by them, but also keeping the game going and keeping them unbalanced. That being said, it is clear that she did care for both of these men, and wants things to work out- but on HER terms, not theirs. She is willing to sacrifice them for her own happiness and honestly I respect that in her. There is a ruthless streak in this woman and she works every weapon she has- underestimate her at your own peril. That being said, you can only control the game so long….

Enter Pete. Whew buddy, this goddamn chart. Christ… Yes, there is SEVERE mental issues on display here (which he has NEVER denied, in fact he is very vocal about his issues, which leads to more visibility which helps others) but holy hell the darkness in this man… He gets off on gaslighting his partners and keeping them in the dark as to his true nature.  He is radically unhinged, controlling, manipulative, toxic, radically impulsive and I honestly don’t think he can even experience love. As in I don’t believe that he lets it pierce his heart, he is trying so desperately to control himself when he wants to just unleash his full crazy- and one day he’ll stop holding himself back.  That’s a definite. And what’s more, he relishes when he loses control. Like, he REVELS in his crazy. This chart is DANGEROUS. Like… woof. Jung would have a field day with him. He despises that he has to control himself and despises society for making him feel inadequate for his brain chemistry. He despises all of us as well, and thinks we judge him too harshly (which, I mean… okay we do).

Its easy to paint these people with broad strokes using their charts, but the truth of the matter is that we’re all more than our charts. Its our choices that matter, not our placements. And while you could say that Pete is the Nessus to Mac’s Heracles, the truth is they have the signature for both archetypes within them, and both are foils of each other. Ariana’s Dejanira is pulling both of their strings but Pete is FAR better at the game than she is, and is willing to flip the board over to win, while she is not. Mac was struggling and was willing to do whatever it took to make the pain stop, while the other two are not (as of yet). I will not cast Mac as a hero because honestly he would have wanted to be cast as a martyr when he doesn’t deserve it. Pete is more than an anime villain, but goddamn is he broken. These are three very immature and very broken people who were all wrong for each other, but their collision burned hot and bright for all of us to see- Not to mention it makes a hell of a story. Venus Retrograde brought out the truth and this all happened under her shadow, as she walked the Via Combusta. This is her story, and it is the retelling of a much older tale, of love gone sour.

Love better. Live better. Set yourself free from toxic love, no matter how much it hurts to purge yourself or what it costs you. The alternative is *waves hands at the train wreck of these three children* THIS.

Astrology in Action: Mac, Arianna and Pete was originally published on Heretical Oracles