#that line's been bothering me for awhile because it was supposed to convey so much meaning

[ciceroprofacto]

Baron von Steuben and the theme of Madness in SOA

I doubt anyone will ever ask about this, but I think it’s important to break down John’s conversation with Steuben at the end of 18 because it’s so important to the plot and I left things happening off-screen that I wanted to put in a couple ficlets, but at this rate probably never will, so-

 “When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?  Perhaps to be too practical is madness.  To surrender dreams — this may be madness.  Too much sanity may be madness —  And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

Meta under the cut

Over the course of SOA, the label ‘Madness’ will get transposed over three concepts: love, war, and politics. Those concepts will be necessarily blended and layered over each other, and it’ll get more and more murky which concept the characters are referring to.

It first came up in regards to love circa chapter 12- 

“In war we fear what will happen when we meet the enemy- what he will do to us. In love, we fear ourselves and when we will part- what we will do to ourselves.” “You make it sound like madness...” There’s a taunting lilt in Hamilton’s voice that tells me he’s smiling while he says this, laughing, but I think if I looked, I’d see the veneer, how much truth he tries to tuck away in his tone. Lafayette laughs anyway, “Only if you try to avoid it.”

I bolded Lafayette’s dialogue because ‘we fear ourselves’ is what Madness has meant to John and Alex in regards to Love for the first 15 chapters of the story. They were full of their own inhibitions around the concept- around the moral connotation of physical intimacy or the personal commitment to vulnerability.  

Here’s a romance arc summary post for reference.

After John recognizes that he can’t choose to not pursue his feelings- that resisting is more destructive to him than any consequences that could come of them (including death), he starts referring to this view of Love as Madness in the past tense, and usually to accuse Alex of being fearful towards the concept.

So, Lafayette’s correction to Alex in chapter 12 defines what Madness in Love comes to mean in the story. 

Now- John made that development in himself by himself, but Steuben played a major role in giving him the space to do so.  Throughout their interactions, John’s been focused on ensuring that the Army can use Steuben’s military expertise to its greatest potential.  He’s duty-driven towards that goal, and Steuben respects it and has accepted the help in every way he could. 

But, at the same time- while John’s there advising and helping him, Steuben’s office has a very-specific environment that’s very different from working in Washington’s office. They spend just as much time talking about philosophy and poetry and gossip as they do on work. Caty comes over and distracts them whenever she can and Steuben encourages it. Their interests as people are valuable and aren’t immediately assessed as possible weapons for the cause. The underlying message is that their humanity is more important than their utility. 

And, while a major feature of John’s humanity is out on display during the Enslin trial, it’s not just a matter of the camp condemning sodomy, but it’s an indictment of the concept of men being physically-intimate with each other. To John- it’s an indictment of his heart- of who he’s capable of loving, and he’s angry and frustrated and ashamed- and ashamed of that shame. But, Steuben is there again and again to encourage him in the other direction. John doesn’t deserve the ways he condemns himself. This isn’t about him. How he feels isn’t this.

John’s grown so much during this arc and through this exposure to community that; when he approaches Alex at the end of 16 to properly confess that he doesn’t just want to be partners, he wants to be lovers, and Alex replies by confessing that he’s been manipulating his career throughout their relationship; John has the confidence in himself to recognize that Alex is using that fact to dodge vulnerability and basically come back and say “so what- you fell for me anyway.”

So what does this have to do with Madness?

The conversation between Steuben and John at the end of 18 defines Steuben’s philosophy of Madness and Sanity and recognizes the shift that’s taken place. Predictably- it’s a direct reference to the Don Quixote quote that kicked off the chapter and which Steuben’s referencing during their conversation.

“Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

Steuben is familiar with both John and Alex’s backstories. It’s a fact that’s been an endless source of discomfort for John, recognizing that Steuben seems to know things about Alex’s thoughts and beliefs that he doesn’t, and unsure how much he knows about him at any given moment. This vibe comes from two off-screen conversations-

A conversation with Henry Laurens ~early February timeframe~ while staying with him in York on his way to meet Congress in which Henry expressed his concern for John after getting his response back, “You asked me, my Dear Father what bounds I have set to my desire of serving my Country in the Military Line. I answer glorious Death, or the Triumph of the Cause in which I am engaged.”

A conversation about personal ambition with Alex in which Steuben recognizes that he doesn’t seem happy with the way that Washington employs him- that he’s right to want to be recognized and properly-employed, not sent on impossible errands anytime Washington is afraid his reputation might suffer from failure.

From those conversations, Steuben knows them on a pretty deep level already. Alex wants power over his own life, and John wants to be the perfect citizen. Alex is motivated by a desire for self-sufficiency, and that’s filtered through his investment in the war and his keen awareness of the social structure of the society he lives in. John is motivated by his intrinsic need to be Good filtered through his investment in the war and his lifelong embroilment in public duties as colonial aristocracy. 

So, breaking down the conversation, it plays out like this:

Steuben posits that, despite the fact that we all play parts in our day to day lives, we should be genuine to ourselves because we can’t keep up an act all the time, and sometimes we promise more than we can give.

Then, he recognizes John’s role as the bayard as an act. He admits that it’s an important role for the times they’re in and he says that John is the ideal person to fill that role. He steps closer to him and starts undoing his cravat where John has hidden hickeys from his night with Alex, revealing the truth of John’s sexuality in this safe place, while recognizing him as the ideal role model for American valor.

And then he drops this whopper that has John understandably confused and in tears:

“I believe you are lucky. Your vision of the world as it should be is as close to madness as any man should ever come, and you have found a friend who is so wretchedly sane he might save you. I believe, if your vision can be saved, you boys might just make that beautiful madness a reality. And that thought is exciting.”

And he’s saying a lot here. 

Remember his definition of Madness:

“Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams — this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness — And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”

So, It’s really counterintuitive, but what Steuben’s calling ‘close to madness’, is John’s extreme sense of public duty. His sense of his place in the world and how he can serve it best.

In love- that’s being a faithful husband.

In war- that’s being an obedient and useful aide to Washington

In politics- that’s supporting his father and keeping him informed about the military’s needs.

He’s saying that John is too good at being dutiful- he’s nearly giving up on his own dreams and desires for himself.

But! He’s been lucky- he has a friend who’s secretly very selfish in that respect.

On the subject of Love, Steuben knows that John is the more-repressed of the two, and he knows that Alex has encouraged him to pursue intimacy. Which John needs to reach self-actualization.

On the subject of War, Steuben doesn’t know about it yet, but he’s right on this too- John’s plan for arming slaves and adding them to their numbers would be an effective tool in furthering the ideal of Liberty they’re rallying people around, but he’s held back by his duty as a son not to mangle his father’s standing. Meanwhile, Alex sees the idealistic vision that John has, he sees the reservations that John has, and he suggested bolder methods that wouldn’t require John’s father’s support.

On the subject of Politics,  Steuben knows that Alex hides his ambitions because they’d be hindrances to his autonomy on Washington’s staff, but now- with John’s social standing and support, and Alex’s ambition and John’s idealism make a heady mix.

And then, Steuben asserts that- if John can manage to serve his public duties like he’s aiming for now without destroying himself or deadening himself, he’ll be the perfect citizen he’s hoping to be.

[jadekitty777]

On Your Six, Chapter 7

Only one chapter left after this one! It may not get posted tomorrow though as I’m still working on it. 

Day 7: Homesick for @taiqrowweek 

Rating:  T for this chapter, M for overall

Words: 3.5k

Summary: Qrow was what most of society would call a small-town criminal. But to those oppressed, he hoped only to be a healer. In an effort to make a change in the world, he moves from kingdom to kingdom, searching for branded omegas in need. His goal? To turn the derogatory words the reformatories forced them to bear on their skin into works of art.

Then one day, his past catches up to him in the form of Taiyang, his former best friend, with a brand of his own stained onto his skin and a plea for help in his eyes. Qrow has no choice but to answer, even if it means he’d have to face his mistakes once and for all.

[An ABO-style universe in a modern-day style Remnant. No Grimm, because people are the real monsters in this one]

Ao3 Link: On Your Feet

~

When Qrow was twenty, he made the biggest mistake of his life.

“You’re leaving?”

He turned away. Couldn’t stand looking at Tai, hurt and confused, knowing he was to blame for it.

Scowled, because why should he care anymore when the other hardly spared him the time?

“’Course I am.” He finally snipped, shoving more socks into a duffel. “Have you seen my face?”

He had to resist the self-conscious urge to touch the cotton bandage on the right side of his forehead, hiding the stitches holding the three-inch gash together.

The beer bottle had shattered on impact. It was a wonder he didn’t get fractures. Small miracles. Though he was pretty sure some memories had been knocked askew because most of the night was a haze. He was only certain of the things that had become routine at that point: coming home to crack open a few with his old man while they watched prime time television and bitched about the state of things. An argument started, over what he couldn’t say, and Qrow never saw the swing coming before he was out cold on the floor.

When he woke up, it was with the hard realization it was time to get out.

Too bad his best friend didn’t get the memo. Tai perched on the edge of his bed as he had a thousand times before, pressing on, “But to the capital city? You don’t have to go so far.”

“Tch. You got any better ideas?” The hangers rattled against one another as he yanked down more shirts.

“Why not stay with me and Rae? We can make room.”

That made him pause, looking over. “Why?”

“Why not?” Was the simple counter as if it were as simple as that. Then, Tai rose his hand to his stomach, fondness smoothing his features, “Besides, then you’ll be close when the baby comes along.”

Fucking, of course. The rush of fury that flooded his system was white-hot, jealousy snapping at the end of every nerve. “So you get yourself knocked up and suddenly it’s my problem?”

“W-What?”

An alarm went off in the back of his head, trying to tell him to pull back – but the words were already leaving his mouth, spiteful and petty and mean, “I’m not sticking around to be your damn nanny. If you can’t handle it, then maybe you shoulda kept your damn legs shut.”

The reaction was instantaneous, Tai immediately on his feet, both taken aback and furious, “Qrow, what the hell?! I brought it up because I figured you’d want to be involved in your niece or nephew’s life! Not-” He threw his hands up. “Whatever the hell you’re implying.”

He knew he was way out of line, but any guilt he had was being held down by a vitriolic sludge of grief and regret that had been leaking, unchecked, out of his broken heart the day he learned Tai and Raven had bonded. An ache that had chipped away at his stability until there was nothing left but a hurricane of outrage and wrath inside him. Thing about hurricanes was, when they blew in, their only purpose was to destroy everything in their path.

That’s how Qrow felt now as he stalked towards the omega, venom spitting out of his throat, “Oh cut the virtuous bullshit already. I was in the hospital for two days. Sure didn’t bother to visit me then. But now that you need something, you come knocking?”

“I came here because I was worried about you!” Tai’s voice rose. “Raven didn’t tell me-”

“Oh-ho-ho there it is. Raven didn’t tell you. Far be it for you to check in on your own best friend once and awhile, huh?” He spat. “Or maybe I’m just the idiot here. Are we even friends anymore?”

This close, he could smell the souring in the other’s scent, his distress palpable. “Of course we are. The only one not acting like one right now is you. Look, I’m sorry about what happened and I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. And I get that your mad but you don’t get to take it out on me, alright?”

“You don’t get it! That’s not what this is about!”

“Then what is it about?!”

Qrow opened and shut his mouth nothing coming out. A coward, even when he’d already lost his chance. He spun away with a snarl so Tai couldn’t see the well of emotion in his eyes, storming to the other the side of the room and kicking his desk hard enough the back of it hit the wall. “Fuck!”

He was so tired of this. Of being unhappy and angry all the time. Of having any and every little thing set him off because it seemed like everything nowadays just made him irritated or sad. When was the last time he’d gone out just for fun? When was the last time he’d laughed?

Qrow buried his head in his hands, disgusted with himself over how close he was to tears. “I hate this.”

“Qrow…”

He heard footfalls behind him, then Tai’s scent was all around him. It was a natural omega response, the cloying sweetness surrounding the air meant to comfort and soothe when emotions were running too high, much like a purr.

It only made him feel worse.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here for you, okay?” Tai’s hand rested onto his shoulder. “Just tell me what I can do to help.”

Qrow couldn’t take this anymore. “You want to help? Then get out.”

“But-”

He knocked the other’s hand away and whirled, his tone shifting into a growl as he pushed his own alpha influence outwards, “I said Leave!”

It was almost disturbing, seeing the way the omega stumbled back, eyes wide, a bit of a tremor in his knees. Usually, the reaction wasn’t so extreme, especially when they were already in the middle of a fight, but he’d never growled at Tai before. Around him, sure – especially if he and Raven were having one of their sibling moments, then the dominance display tended to be a given.

But never at him. It was like he’d broken some sort of unspoken rule.

Try as he might, Tai’s voice shook when he spoke, clearly rattled, “Is that really what you want?”

Some of the guilt finally started to puncture through but it was too little, too late.

“Yes. I can’t deal with this right now.” He looked away. “Just, go. Please.”

A tense, silent few moments passed. Then finally, resigned, Tai said, “Alright then.”

Yet as he headed for the door, he hesitated in the threshold. Stopped to look back, hoping to convey something more than just words.

Years later, Qrow still regretted never meeting his eyes.

“Just, remember I’m here when you need me Qrow. Call when you’re ready, okay?”

He never did.

~

They were sitting at the table, mugs in either hand. It felt like a mirror image of that very first day six months ago, except this time it was Qrow who couldn’t look up.

“That’s why you were so distant back then.” Tai finally said, an undercurrent of something in his voice that he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

Qrow swallowed hard. “Yeah.” His fingers clutched his cup harder. “I know I should have said this back then but… I’m so sorry.”

“Oh Qrow. I forgave you a long time ago.”

He head jerked up, mouth agape. “What?”

Tai’s smile was gentle. “I knew something was going on with you. You’d been weird ever since we graduated. And when I found out you were moving away, I figured it was because you’d been feeling lost. I was so frustrated because I didn’t know how to help you.” He ran a hand over the back of his neck. Now Qrow could see what he hadn’t before: regret. “I just never put the pieces together that I was the problem.”

“You weren’t-! I mean…” He grimaced. It was time to stop lying. “Yeah. Being around you was killing me. I needed to get away, from everything. It wasn’t until I was entirely alone, I started to get my head back together. Took even longer to admit to myself that it was my fault things fell apart because I was too busy wallowing in self-pity to see anyone else. By that point, it had been so long, I didn’t feel like I could go back.” He sighed. “I’m a real moron. If I had just been honest with you, maybe things wouldn’t have ended the way they had. No matter what though, it doesn’t excuse the things I said.”

“Oh yeah, you were a total dick.” His friend laughed. “But take it from a guy who’s had his heart broken twice now: sometimes when you’re hurting that much, you’ll often be left with the ugliest side of yourself.”

Qrow arched a brow. “Oh yeah? What’s ugly Tai look like?”

“I think the way my dad put it was ‘robotic’.” Tai rubbed at a sharpie mark on the table as if he was trying to erase the black marks on his own life. “If it wasn’t sorrow or anger, then I didn’t really feel anything at all. It was all just numb to me and it made everything else feel like a chore. Even the littlest things, like showering or eating, were just too much. Some days, I even struggled to get out of bed. Heh.” His shoulders slumped. “It was pathetic.”

He supposed there was something to be said about being the person watching the show instead of being the one playing the part. “Hey, if I’m allowed to skip off to an entirely different continent, then you can stay in bed for a few extra hours.”

“Okay, you got me there.” He conceded. “Still, I can’t imagine how long I would have been stuck like that if it weren’t for my girls giving me the strength to move forward.”

“Well I’m glad you have them.” Qrow said, and for the first time, he knew he was saying it with full sincerity. A sense of calm had fallen over him, one he’d never felt before.

After his rut had happened a few weeks ago, he’d thought things would have grown awkward between them. Unbearable, even, now that the truth was out in the open.

As always, Tai surprised him as Qrow had started to stumble over himself to make amends.

(“I don’t even know where to start. There’s a lot you probably want to know.”

“There is. But that doesn’t mean you have to tell me.”

“W-What? But you said…”

“I was wrong. Especially when I… accidentally forced that confession out of you.”

“…”

“Look, just because these are your feelings for me, doesn’t suddenly mean I have ownership of them. Whatever you want to tell me, you do it in your own time. And if you never want to speak of this again, then we won’t.”

“Then, we’re… okay?”

“Yeah. Absolutely.”)

True to his word, Tai never pushed after that day. Qrow waited for the tension to grow, for something to give. But it never did – and he started to think maybe those over-dramatics only happened in sitcoms and romantic dramas.

Whatever it was, the blissful return to normalcy gave Qrow the breathing space he needed to come to terms with his secret being out. Eventually, the stories came next. Not everything, of course. Some things were just too locked into his heart to give away. Still, the more he did share, the better he felt. No longer did he have to hold in his feelings, never giving them a chance to resolve and leaving turmoil in his heart. Now, he could finally look forward without a ‘what if’ hanging over him.

Maybe he’d never have the life he always dreamed about with Tai. No house with a gaggle of pups running around the yard. No coming home to the omega’s smile being his and his only. But at least he’d always have this. A friendship that had lasted through the ages and against the odds. That had weathered the worst storms and built up stronger after they’d passed. That’s foundation remained strong with the support and care they both gave to one another.

He’d always love Tai. On that, he had little doubt. But it was these past few months that really taught him what it meant to truly love someone. It wasn’t a trade-off. To give something so precious with only the expectation of an exchange for the same in return cheapened the value.

Love was a gift. An offering freely handed over with no intent beyond the desire to see the happiness it provided.

After bearing witness to one of Tai’s lowest points, he’d discovered just how integral that latter part was. He would move mountains and rearrange the stars if it meant bringing that smile back onto Tai’s face.

Even if those mountains being moved were just pictures on a phone and the stars were being moved by a needle-tipped pen that spread an aurora of color over the dark sky.

Qrow finished his tea, getting to his feet. “Alright, story time’s over. Let’s get the last one finished up.”

~

The buzzing that had permeated the space between them for months on end stopped for the final time.

Qrow set the needle aside, giving the tattoo its finally look over. Made sure every line was in place, every color perfect, every shade drawn.

It was with a heavy heart he realized there was nothing left to do, nothing left to add, nothing left to say except, “It’s done.”

“Really?” Tai turned his head, still trying to mimic an owl after all this time.

“Yep.” He snapped a shot with his scroll. “Take a look.”

The device was handed over, Tai sitting up as he gave it a critical scan. “It’s perfect.” He decided, but his smile was weak.

“You don’t look happy about it.”

“It’s not that. It really is everything I wanted.” He assured, stronger than before. He thumbed at the edge of the scroll, shoulders falling some. “I’m just sad. I’m going to miss this.”

Qrow rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the anchor in his own chest. Before things could get too gloom and doom though, he insisted, “Well hey, don’t go sobbing into my pillow yet until you see what I brought for a celebration.”

“Qrow you know you shouldn’t be buying frivolous things-” Tai cut himself off as Qrow whipped open the nightstand drawer, pulling out two perfectly round, prepackaged cupcakes. “Except those.”

He laughed, tossing Tai one and sliding from the recliner onto the bed beside him. It felt just like old times, tearing into the plastic and taking that first, overly sugary bite of chocolate and frosting. It reminded him of grand adventures on the playground and binge fests during movie marathons and sleepovers.

Qrow chanced a glance over. “So, Friday’s the day?”

“Yeah.” He replied, nibbling a ring around the cupcake like the weirdo he was, saving the vanilla crème filling for last. “I’m… pretty nervous.”

He pressed his shoulder against Tai’s. “Hey. It’s fine. You’re gonna be fine. And just think, once you pass those bastards final eval, you’re going to be getting your kids back.”

That brought his smile back in full. “Yeah. You’re right. Besides,” He nudged him back, “You’ll finally get to meet them.”

Qrow’s lungs shriveled up in his chest, leaving only enough air for a quiet, “Guess so.”

“I know the girls are just gonna love you.”

“Maybe.” He cleared his throat, snapping, “And will you finish eating already? You’re getting crumbs all over my bed!”

“Sorry!”

They finished up their treats – but any sweetness left in Qrow’s was gone.

~

It was rather remarkable, how much two men could stall against the inevitable. It was pushing nearly one in the morning by the time they were shuffling towards the door, both of them trying to hide yawns.

“Maybe I should just stay over again?” Tai suggested.

Qrow rolled his eyes. “And have you trigger another rut? No thanks.”

“Oh, it’s my fault. I see how it is.” All things considered it probably had been. Between the unintentional courting with homemade dinners and the two of them sharing the bed, it really was just a recipe for disaster.

Still, it was nice to joke about it. “Glad to see you’re taking responsibility. More seriously though, no need to risk things when you’re so close to the finish line.”

“Yeah. Guess you’re right.” He mimed a phone to his ear. “I’ll keep you in the loop. And hey, when me and the girls head back to Patch, maybe you can come with us. Start working out of there for a while.”

There it was. The conversation he’d been trying to avoid all night. He shifted on his feet, trying to remain ambivalent, “I mean, maybe. I still have a lot of clients here I’m finishing up with.”

But Tai hadn’t been his best friend for two decades not to see through his bullshit. Most of it, at least. “Qrow. Don’t you dare.”

“I-”

Before he could even try, Tai was clutching onto his forearms, tone frantic, “You were gonna disappear, just like before, weren’t you?”

“That’s not exac-”

Just as quickly, he was hopping back, holding up his hands placatingly. “Wait, it’s me again, right? Whatever it is, we can talk it out. Right now, if you want.”

“Tai-”

“I know that’s not really fair, but, look. I’ll do whatever you want in return for it. Just please. Don’t do this to me again. I can’t lose you too.”

Qrow watched as Tai struggled and lost the fight against tears, a prevalent reek of fear becoming known. It only occurred to him right then that after so many losses, maybe his friend was starting to develop a serious issue with separation anxiety. He ran a hand over his face, grumbling, “I’m such an ass.” Before walking forward and catching the other in a tight hug.

Those powerful arms hugged back so hard, it nearly broke his sternum. “I-I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry.” He buried his fingers into blond hair. “I should have talked to you about this before.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, pulling back enough to look up at him. He reached around, thumbing away some tears. “I’m not trying to run off again, I swear. But this isn’t exactly a ‘day until I retire’ job. It’s a ‘only a matter of time’ one. If I stay close to home, then you’d probably be tagged as an accomplice.” He met his gaze, resigned and resolute. “I’m not going to put you through losing your children a second time.”

Somehow, that only seemed to make Tai cry more. “Why are you so fair to everyone but yourself?”

“Heh. Guess the privileged lifestyle never suited well.” He joked weakly. “Look, I ain’t dropping off the face of the planet. I’ll keep in touch, promise. And visit, when I can. So can you cut it with the waterworks? You know I’m awful with ‘em.”

Tai sniffed, stepping back so he could dab at his eyes with his sleeve. “Only ‘cause you don’t want to cry too.”

“Semantics.” Qrow waved off.

“And you better keep that promise, or I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll but I’ll do it!”

He crossed an X over his heart. “I will. Even if they threaten to scratch out my eyes.”

“Good.” Tai nodded, seemingly satisfied. “I… guess I better get going.”

“Probably want some sleep to handle that tromp of monsters tomorrow.”

The omega gave him a light jab. “Rude. I’ll talk to you soon, eh?”

“You’ve got my number.” Qrow replied, as the other opened the door, only to hesitate. His fingers started to nervously tap along the doorknob’s surface. “Tai?”

“Qrow I-” He spun around, another sharp spike to his scent. “I want you to know that I… I…”

Qrow breathed in a bit, confused as he recognized the hint of anxiety. Was he still that worried? “Youuu?” He urged gently.

The tapping increased, as did the scent. Then Tai shook his head, smiling brightly, “Just that I’m… really proud of you.”

“E-Eh?” Okay, now he was really lost.

“What you’re doing, you have no idea the impact you’re having. It’s changing lives.” He placed a hand on his shoulder. “It certainly changed mine.”

Qrow felt his face flame up, flustered as he tried to duck his head. “Dude, I can’t do this at one in the morning.”

“You need me to tell you again at noon?”

“No!”

Tai burst into chuckles. “I just wanted you to know that.” The hand squeezed gently. “And how glad I am you’re part of my life.”

“Okay, okay. I get the point.” He pat his wrist placatingly. “I love you too, now please stop trying to cause an aneurysm.”

That caused another puzzling spike, Tai’s second laugh more jittery. “Ah what’s the fun in that?” Nevertheless, he did pull back, stepping out. “I’ll see you ‘round.” With a final wave, he started off down the hall.

“See ya.” He called after.

As Qrow shut the door, he couldn’t shake the lingering sense that he had missed something.

[r-ahh-mi]

Number 4. Speaks to me spiritually so imma go with that one 😂

lolll but sameeeee. Enjoy some angssttttt xx

4). “I’m too sober for this.”

________________________________

Reader POV:

I knew it wasn’t going to go away, but I couldn’t even bring myself to swipe the screen to unlock my phone.

He texted me, two years after our break up and the only relevant thing i’d seen or heard from him was his face plastered on a movie poster, and now he’stexting me.

Maybe he’s drunk..maybe he’s high. Fuck, maybe it was one of his friends texting me as a joke; this couldn’t be real, this wasn’t how he really felt, but no matter how long I kept telling myself all of these things, I still had hope. A teeny, tiny glimmer that was telling me to text him back and that ‘maybe this is it’.

How naive for me to even think he would be saying that he missed me, or to directly quote the text, ‘I miss you so much babe’, and genuinely mean it. There’s no way, absolutely no god damn way.

I chucked my phone against the spot on the sofa that was next to me, empty, only a throw pillow or two covering the space that you could be occupying, but nothing more than a sitcom on TV and a lonely glass of wine was keeping me preoccupied, well attempting to at least.

Ugh, i’m too sober for this.

I just can’t fathom why now, why of all the two years we’ve been distancing ourselves from one another that he chooses now to be an ideal time to crash land into my life, more specific, crash land into my text messages. One thing I did find reassuring is that he still kept my number in his phone, just like I had his. I couldn’t bare to delete it; everything else, photos, videos - gone. Hiscontact was sacred to me though because no matter how hard our break up was, he was and is my best friend and the person I never could’ve imagined living without and I couldn’t bring myself to delete the one thing that could instantly contact myself with him, had the occasion arose.

I downed the rest of the wine in my glass and reached for the rest of the bottle set in front of me, not bothering to fill the cup back up, just drinking it straight from the bottle, as my eyes mindlessly gazed into the moving TV screen in front of me.

I couldn’t tell you what was on TV or even what shitty reality series was on because all I could think of was him. His smile, his hair, his hands, his arms, his nose - I hadn’t dug myself in this deep of a hole in a while and suddenly I had fallen back down into it again at even the smallest of contact he attempted to make with me.

I took another swig from the bottle as my phone suddenly began to chime. I stared at it awhile, again, feeling that slit gleam of hope that ‘maybe it was him’, but I was also frightened to find out. If it was him, what do I do? Do I answer it? What do I say? If it wasn’t him, i’d likely throw my phone back into its place in the sofa because, shame on me for getting my hopes up thinking he’d bother to call me.

My thoughts had taken over so much so that I had forgotten about my ringing phone, which had now gone silent, leaving me and the TV alone once again. At top speed, my arm reached for my phone and, to my absolute glee, he really did it.

He called me.

What did he want? Do I call him back?

Suddenly, the cards were in my hand and now I had to decide what to do. Surely, if i didn’t call him back he’d think i hated him, which is half true, but the other half still hopelessly loved him…

On the other hand, if i called back, the outcome was unknown to me and that was terrifying; I wanted at least a hint about what was going to be shared during this phone call, yet I didn’t know how else to do that besides to contact him.

Finally, I unlocked my phone, briefly staring at his name in my ‘recent calls’ folder and never, did i ever, think I would be seeing that name there again. A small smile danced across my lips as I exited out and went to the text messages screen, opening his text.

Tentatively, I began to type several different messages out, attempting to convey to him what exactly I wanted to know, but, that’s the thing, I didn’t know what I wanted to know exactly, if that even makes sense.

However, I settled for a simple choice of words:

-

Y/N: hahaha very funny.

-

20 minutes went by and still nothing. The message was read, but still dead silence. No attempt at typing me even a simple ‘lol’ just so I could stop over dramatizing this whole thing.

Nothing.

I suppose I’ll have to live with my ‘high’ sort of feeling right now of wanting to be near him and wanting to touch him and talk to him and just live life with him, like we used to.

Cold feet guided my body up from the couch and into my bedroom as I plugged my phone into its charger and set it face down on my nightstand.

My dresser seemed to glare at me, knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I saw his old t shirt in the open top drawer where it had lived in seclusion ever since our fight and ever since us wasn’t ‘us’ anymore, but rather separate entities now.

Don’t do it, don’t do it.

My mind was screaming at me not to, but still, my finger glided itself against the soft fabric, remembering how it felt to grab it in my fingers when I was lifting it off of his head right before a night of passionate sex or the countless times we play fought and wrestled each other, me grabbing the neck of his shirt, no doubt stretching the fabric, but pressing my lips to his seemed to ease the situation and everything then felt so fucking right and now everything was so fucking wrong.

Wrong because he wasn’t fucking here like he god damn promised.

With a frustrated sigh, I plopped onto my sheets and attempted to seek shelter within my duvet; at least it was warm even though I wanted nothing but to feel his warmth right now.

My head plopped onto the pillow as the thoughts raced and raced and raced until they exhausted themselves and myself; and i’m sure the booze helped as well. Soon, I was in an unconscious state that I hadn’t remembered falling in and all I could remember was his fucking face. That fucking smug face of histhat I hated and adored at the same time.

Why. Why did he have to do this to me; messing with my feelings like this and then leaving me hung out to dry.

As my mind was floating in its unconscious state, I faintly heard the familiar music again. It took me a few seconds to register what it was, but when I did, I quickly sat up and reached for my phone.

My vision was blurry so I rubbed them vigorously and brought the phone as close to my face as I could without it full on touching.

It was him…again.

The thoughts started racing again as they had been ever since his random appearance on my phone screen, but I had to stop myself because clearly hewanted something, good or bad I didn’t give a shit because he wanted to talk to me.

With shaky hands and even shakier breath, I swiped across my screen to answer his call.

It was silent for a good 5 seconds i’d say, the only thing I could hear was his breathing on the other end and just the sound of it sent goosebumps down my arms and legs; all I could picture was his chest heaving under my palm, but if only he were here.

“Y/N?”, he shakily said, his voice much raspier and quieter than what I remembered.

Fuck, i’m surprised I remembered what it sounded like after these years.

I cleared my throat, silently summoning my vocal chords. “Rami?”

___________________________________

If you’re into this story line let me know and i’ll gladly continue cause I lovveeedddd writing this.

[jamestkirkish]

Fanfiction Stats

I was tagged by the lovely and talented @ariaadagio

Author Name: amandaithink on AO3, schntgaispocked on FFN (not that I’ve been on there in forever so let me quick update that profile because I’m not 25 anymore...o.o)

Fandoms You Write For:

Active - Lucifer

Not so active - Star Trek, MCU, Doctor Who, Supernatural

Where You Post:

Current - AO3

Former-ish (I’m not planning yet on moving the fics because it seems like a lot of effort but I might) - FFN, Livejournal (I can’t remember my account info)

VERY FORMER - Message boards back when I was in middle school and high school. 

Most Popular One-Shot:  By Kudos/Favs AND Comment Threads/Reviews - Hardly the Best Choice (Lucifer) [I count this as a one shot because I wrote it as on and posted it all at once. The ‘chapters’ were just a formatting choice]. 

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: By Kudos/Favs - Take This To Your Grave (The Avengers) God I miss writing this story. I broken record about losing all of my fic notes, I feel like. Like I complain about it too much. I think about it every day, though, and rarely voice the thoughts. But it bothers me. At some point I’m going to have to give up ever finding them and sit down and reread everything I’ve written and reoutline and plot all of them.

By Comment Threads/Reviews: Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen (Doctor Who) That is super flattering, actually. This is the most self indulgent thing I’ve ever done and it’s super hard to write. I didn’t lose the notes for this. I’m actually still working on it. I haven’t posted in forever because it is SUPER HARD TO WRITE. If you’re in the DW fandom you probably are well aware of how popular season rewrites are, and chances are if you read any OC fics we’ve read the same ones because people don’t jump into OC rewrites lightly and if they do, it’s done in a certain way. I decided to go a whole different and difficult way for this fic.  Not going to lie I have so many random Holly Ashby docs on my computer because I write little random stories set further ahead than what I’ve got written in the actual fic just so that I can KEEP FIGURING OUT MY OC. And because I like what I’m doing even if I’m stuck for the main story. It’s so much fun.

Favorite Story You Wrote:  Of Broken Worlds and Changing Times (Star Trek) I found most of my notes for this, but not the main notes. If I have to give up ever finding my notes, I think this one will be able to stay most true to my original intentions, but I’m still missing so much. Writing this story (as much as I have of it) helped me learn so much. I had never done action shots before. I had never done that much research before (I read a lot of zombie and survival lit, and I’ll probably have to reread a lot of that stuff before I can get back into it). 

I also really loved writing Did We All Fall Down (Supernatural).  It takes place around Season 8 of Supernatural and is a spin off full of OCs. I did it for NaNoWriMo awhile back (I won for wordcount but didn’t finish the story - lost notes, man [playing it cool like it doesn’t break my heart, look at me go]). It’s only on tumblr, because I felt like there wasn’t really a desire for that kind of thing on the fic sites. It was so much fun, though. Which was the point. As always.

Story You Were Nervous to Post:  All of them. Every single one. I’m still nervous about their existence sometimes. Especially the really old ones, because writing is something I continue to get better at the more I do it, and when I look back at some of them I’m just like ‘oh no why’. I so badly want to do rewrites for my incomplete fics when I eventually complete them. Because they could be improved. Really. And I may do that if I move my FFN ones to AO3 once I get going on them again. Like that would be part of my ‘hey guys, if you could read over here post’. Like: “I’m moving this story to AO3 and also I’ve rewritten what is on here because I wrote that X years ago and honestly I can convey ideas better now I’ve been practicing, trust me”. Something like that. Maybe. Who knows. I also feel like I’m supposed to let them be. You know, so that I can watch myself improve. Would be very disjointed for the reader, though ... who knows. 

How Do You Choose Your Titles:  Depends.

For Lucifer fics, I’ve been grabbing lines I like from the fic and using it as the title because that’s how the episode titles work and I think it’s fun. HOWEVER I didn’t do that for Devil Undone because I wrote that in an hour with Hallucinogenics on repeat and then slapped a title on it super quick because I didn’t care what the title was. I want to change it, but I’m worried about breaking the matrix. ALSO I did do that for Before There Was Light and I wish I could change that one too because I feel like Once Before Time is a better title and the current title is too similar to another fic (and that wasn’t intentional, but could easily have been subconscious I have no idea, because my brain is an ADHD trainwreck). Still worried about breaking the matrix.

A lot of my fics are named after album titles, song titles, lyrics, etc. Take This To Your Grave is very directly Fall Out Boy. If you listen to the corresponding chapter’s song as you read it you will see what I was doing there. Also you will experience how i wrote it (writing with one song on repeat is something I actually do kind of often bahaha). 

Sometimes I just think something sounds cool (ex. Of Broken Worlds and Changing Times). 

Do You Outline: Most of the time, yes. Heavy outlines, too.

For one shots? Not at all.

For Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen, not at all, but now I technically have an outline if only because I wrote so many personal ficlets and one shots with the characters that I know what has happened in the future.

For Mischief Managed (Avengers), not at all. As part of an experiment. I actually think I have a few chapters of that handwritten that haven’t been posted yet. I like actually handwriting things more than typing, I’m more likely to finish that way but it also takes forever. 

How many of your stories are…

Complete: 5 (on those sites, as we’re not looking at any of my childhood work)

In-Progress: 7

Coming Soon: Based on my WIP folder? 13. Including NKTTIS extras? 17. What I can actually feel decent about committing to? 2 things. Because my WIP folder is insane and ridiculous and the epitome of ‘writing fanfiction because it’s fun’. 

EDIT: I remembered google docs. There’s like ... 4 partial things on there ...

It’s safe to assume at all times that even if you’re not seeing anything posted by me, I am writing something. Perhaps I should post random snippets on my writing tumblr. 

Do You Accept Prompts: Yes (though if you send them to this blog I will probably still post them on writingithink because that’s what that blog exists for, as my writing tumblr). 

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: The Shift (Lucifer) - that’s a working title. It’s so much fun so far, the only problem is it will probably take me forever to write and by the time it’s ready the @luciferbingo prompts will have expired bahahaha. I’m not going to start posting this one until it’s finished, though. Because having all of those incomplete stories out there frustrates me. I wasn’t planning on any of them taking this long. 

Tag Five Fanfic Authors to Answer These Questions As Well: My god, who writes fics or has written fics. Erm ... I TAG @oh-mylordy, @swishandflickwit, @lucks-eterna, @thesupercousin and @aziraphalesrarebooks and anyone I have forgotten in this current moment of panic.

[adapted-batteries]

Pensiveness and Kisses

Fandom: The Librarians

Rating: General/sfw (bit of making out)

Relationship: Jazekiel

Word Count: 1575

Stone attempts to study up on mythology, but Ezekiel interrupts him.

Also posted on my Ao3.

-----

With their last two recent adventures, Stone decided to spend his well deserved break from tethering ceremony practice to brush up on his Greek and Roman mythology. For once the Annex was quiet; Jenkins and Cassandra were working on the toaster tester thing in his lab, Ezekiel was...somewhere…and Flynn and Eve were supposed to be practicing their lines, though who knows if they actually were.

He read for awhile until he got to Minerva, then his mind wandered back to Slaten. Besides the people in this building, he was the only one who knew more about Stone than anyone else from his past. Slaten wasn’t pushy, but he didn’t relent trying to get Stone to do something with his life, right up until Slaten moved on with his life.

It had been good to see him, even if Slaten had about died thanks to Fortuna, even if he was angry at himself for the bubbly warm feeling in his chest when he walked into the barn. Heck, he barely stopped himself from giving his own answer when Slaten asked Ezekiel if he’d seen anything as beautiful as Slaten Star. He was sure glad Ezekiel didn’t see the stupid, goofy, love-stricken smile on his face anyway.

Before he could think more about Slaten, Ezekiel startled him by suddenly appearing at his desk.

“What’re you...how long have you been standin’ there?” Stone couldn't help but feel a bit flustered, even if he knew Ezekiel didn’t know what was in his head anyway.

“Long enough to know you were off in dreamland, mate,” Ezekiel replied. He glanced around the room, shifting his weight on his feet a bit, before sitting on the edge of the desk that was free from old books and manuscripts.

Stone watched him being uncharacteristically quiet, maybe even a bit nervous. When Ezekiel looked back him, he raised his eyebrows, hoping Ezekiel would get on with whatever question he was clearly wanting to ask.

“That bloke at the racetrack, Slaten, who was he to you? And don’t give me that ‘just a friend’ b.s.,” Ezekiel asked, apparently more observant than Stone thought.

Who was Slaten to him? He was a friend, despite Ezekiel’s assumptions, but it wasn’t like Stone could deny the years he spent silently pining away, hoping the feeling was mutual, but never acting on it, the looks that Slaten gave him sometimes, the comments that spurred on his guarded heart.

How would he explain his feelings the day before Slaten left, when they took a long drive to nowhere in Stone's pickup, watching the sun set over cattle in a field. How would he explain the something else permeating the comfortable silence in the cab, something tentative, unspoken. Stone could hear it in Slaten’s voice when he asked Stone if he'd leave the pipeline and come with him, or do anything to use “that smart brain of his.” He could see it in Slaten eyes when Stone said he couldn't. He could feel it in the hand on his knee that told him Slaten knew how hard it'd be for Stone to leave, that he was sad Stone wouldn’t stand up for himself, but he respected the decision. He felt it when he got in bed that night, alone, thinking he could've said yes, but knowing he couldn't get out of the rut he made that easy.

Stone realized he spent too long thinking to dodge Ezekiel's question. “He was...I had a crush on him...for a long time. But I never did anything about it, I mean I couldn't, if my dad had found out, I’d be...well...not here, that's for sure.”

Ezekiel watched him for a moment. Stone waited for him to joke, to be disgusted, to yell, to do anything, but the silence carried on until Ezekiel finally decided on his words. “Well you didn't fool me, mate." Stone looked up at him, eyes wide, expecting more, but Ezekiel seemed entirely unphased by Stone’s confession.

He relaxed back into his chair from where he’d sat up, expecting a need to defend himself or bolt. “You know, before I left the racetrack, he asked me to stay...and for a moment, I sure was tempted to. The way he asked, maybe there was something there, but how could I give this up?” Stone waved his hands around them, at the books on his desk, at Ezekiel. “I just, I wanna show people who I really am, all the people from my past, but I can't. And I can't get to know anyone new either...it's...frustrating.”

“Well, Baird did have us sign those NDA’s a couple years ago…” Ezekiel reminded him, trailing off when Stone rolled his eyes at Ezekiel. He really wasn’t in the mood to joke about this, but fortunately Ezekiel gathered that. “I know. It sucks that we can't, but Flynn and Baird get to have fun and all. But unless you managed to find someone really open minded...and completely fine with you being in danger, it'd just make everything complicated.”

Ezekiel went quiet, looking off in the Annex like he had been before. “Though, we could use their workaround, since that ‘doesn't count’ apparently.”

It took Stone a good five seconds before he realized what Ezekiel said. “Wait...are you suggestin’...”

“For an I.Q. of 190, you sure are slow sometimes," Ezekiel snorted, but he was blushing anyway.

“I didn't think, I mean, I wasn't expecting you to say something like that,” stone stammered, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Clearly,” Ezekiel said with a smirk, but the smile faltered when Stone just sat there in mild shock. “Not that we have to, it was just a natural suggestion, but I mean I wouldn't object to-"

Stone, recovered from Ezekiel’s statement, decided the best way to stop Ezekiel from rambling to the point he would run off was to kiss him. He tried his best to not launch himself out of his chair so he wouldn't shove Ezekiel off the desk, but Ezekiel did have to grab the edge of the desk with one hand to keep from sliding. The other hand, after a moment, was quick to find Stone’s side, while Stone’s hands held Ezekiel’s face to his own. Stone’s brain let them kiss for a good minute before it started thinking again. He pulled away from Ezekiel slightly, enough that he could look at Ezekiel in focus. “Wait, but what about Cassandra?”

Ezekiel clicked his tongue, smiling endearingly at Stone as he shook his head. “Like we're really going to keep her away from Estrella.”

“I suppose as a vampire she is a magical being…” Stone thought aloud. Ezekiel just smiled at him goofily and kissed him again.

They got to do that for a while, long enough that Stone was starting to want to go somewhere else, but that thought got interrupted by Flynn and Eve walking into the Annex. Stone reflexively backed up a few steps at the sound of their voices, but it was quite clear in both of their slightly disheveled appearances (and Ezekiel’s obvious “just been kissed” face) that Ezekiel and Stone had been having some fun.

Eve took the sight in for a moment then turned to Flynn, gesturing back at the boys. “So do they not count too?”

Flynn gawked at her. “What, no, wait, I mean,” he stuttered, unsure how to get his ideas out his mouth. He glanced to the slightly startled, both red faced boys, “um, congrats guys, on that," then looked back to Eve, “I know you know what I meant."

She smiled at Flynn, a smirk that conveyed “I know, but I'm not gonna stop teasing you for a while because I like seeing you squirm,” then looked back to the boys, tugging Flynn back the direction they came from. “Don't have too much fun in here,” Eve said over her shoulder.

Ezekiel snorted, unable to keep quiet. “Not like you two haven't,” he retorted, immediately looking like he realized he didn’t exactly want to say that, but was going to stick with his decision anyway.

Eve didn't turn around, but said, “That's none of your concern, Jones.” Flynn sputtered at her response, steps faltering a bit.

Stone glared at him, but was also mere moments away from going back to what they had been doing earlier. Ezekiel was a bit stunned he got that response. “I didn't think my theory would be confirmed…” He turned to fully face Stone, devious smile on his face. “You wanna even the score?”

Ezekiel’s question made Stone freeze, his mouth open in an O. “W...w...what...no...you can't just say things like that Ezekiel.”

Ezekiel reveled in Stone’s uncomfortableness. “Too early I suppose, we'll just keep it in mind for later.” He even winked to get Stone more bothered.

Stone opened his mouth, thinking for a moment before saying, “We are not talking about this right now.”

“Well I know something we can do that doesn't involve talking,” Ezekiel suggested, moving back into Stone’s space.

“You're really gonna make me kiss you to shut you up, aren't you?” Stone asked, staring at him intently.

Ezekiel bit his bottom lip just to toy with Stone more. “I don't think I have to make you do that, cowboy.”

He was right; Stone barely let him finish saying “cowboy” before his lips were back on the thief’s.

-----

Post Notes: Man “And the Steal of Fortune” was just full of stuff to inspire me. I couldn’t decide if Slaten was an old flame of Stone’s or an old crush, but 12 am me decided it was a crush so I went with that.

[justsimplyl]

AO3 writers tag thingy

Tagged by: @herdustisverypretty

Very long! So for nice people who are interesting in reading, please click/tap on the read more. Thank you very much :3

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean? My English name starts with L. I have a fantasy world and the heroine’s name also starts with L, her code name is also L. So I chose simplyL given all the Ls that I have hahaha. The only reason why I am ‘justsimplyl’ here was because ‘simplyl’ was taken.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback?(bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos) Uh...You are free now...for everything (I didn’t know I can check the statistics) Bookmarks: 87 Subscriptions: 126 Hits: 10901 Kudos: 607

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it? Two young cat Akashi and Kuroko. I think I chosen a random Akakuro image from my phone back then.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters? Hm...Names I remembered are @masuchiii, @mayhanamya, high noon aka @the-pervert-in-your-closet, wesna, and TheSummer24, and there are a lot more, so thank you everyone for your support!

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again? Chemicals, Watch out for vampiric cats, Aurora, Confessions of the human secretary, our harmonious melody, We can get over this.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked? Subscribed 33, Bookmarked 111 XD

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most? Semi-AUs? Those that goes in line with the canon but not really. I am a new writer so I have yet to write a variety of them.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page) Subscribed 13, Bookmarked 153.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!) Smut? Omegaverse?

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc. Updating more regularly.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often? I don’t know man. Is Akakuro popular?

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)? 4 in total, 3 finished(same series), 1 unfinished, multi-chaptered.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program? Two that was never shown.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head? For new stories, I usually keep them in my head. I don’t really write them down unless they bug me a lot.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story? Nope, but it sounds fun.

16. How did you discover AO3? Hm... I came across it like how I came across ff.net and livejournal? Oh and it is knb that made me start using AO3 instead of other fanfiction sites.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3? Not at all. I am still an infant-levelled writer.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers? No...? I just call them readers.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write? Yes. @herdustisverypretty and @nifawiwa

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author? Uh...Believe in yourself and write! Practice is good? Sorry! I can’t give advices.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go? I plot out the major plots, and figure out the small events that connects to the major plots as I go.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do? I don’t think so... not yet anyways.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..) Action? And speech...? And...actions... =_=|||

24. What story(s) are you working on now? You are free now, and some other Akakuro stories that are a secret...for now.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)? I don’t usually do unless the idea wouldn’t stop bothering me.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself? Not really.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started? It’s hard to tell. It hasn’t even been a year since I started writing.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written? You are free now. Slavery is an interesting concept that is not common in the knb fandom, or at least for the Akakuro one, and it gives me the platform to write all my experiences and trauma(and exaggerating them for story’s sake) that wouldn’t make it seem out of place or too far-fetched.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written? I don’t know. I like all of them.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years? I have no idea as well. Writing wasn’t something I considered as a job or a hobby, but I suppose... maybe a story writer for games? Lol

31. What is the easiest thing about writing? It can capture an idea in full details very quickly, unlike art which would take awhile.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing? It’s not easy to convey the feelings and emotions of the character into the readers.

33. Why do you write? It was to relief my mind off from constantly thinking about the idea. The idea was so vivid and immense that I can’t and don’t have the time to draw them all out, so I wrote them instead.

Phew, I am finally done! I am tagging @nifawiwa and @kelandry5 I guess.

[siyupod]

Just Right

what i’m actually aiming for in this song is to convey a message of living life freely, even with how messed up the world has become. Everyone should be able to do what they want to without getting “judged”((DISCLAIMER:except for illegal stuff, that ain’t cool))  

By right, the world will still judge but its up to the person themselves to decide whether they want to take it or not. this song still has a pretty generic message which is to live life freely

Wk 4 

I’ve already written bits and pieces, of it. Mainly the “hook” and such. Again, i had to fit chords to the melody. 

Initially, i had an intro of the hook and then it goes into the verse, which actually have the same melody. As i was singing along to it, it just came very naturally so i just went with it first.

the lyrics for my hook is 

Life’s a pain, it’s a shame

we can’t be alright

It’s all a game, let them play

all we need is time

Jump around, messed up fun

tear away the night 

why can’t we be just right?

and it just goes into the verse with the same melody with

Your pointless talk, you should stop

get out of my sight

roll your eyes, one more time

you might just go blind

maybe then you can see the minds

of humankind

why can’t we be just right

this verse is meant for the people that are giving you trouble so there’s a switch in the POV. because it starts off pretty hyped, it probably might have reached its peak already, in like the first two verses which kinda makes no sense. Naturally it just went to the Woahs which just seems even more “out of place” everything is just way too rushed. And i wasn’t sure where i could actually go from there. 

I was thinking about the lyrics as well, for the second verse. i was wondering whether it was rude to people that are actually blind so i had even more doubts on whether i wanted to use it

As i was fretting over all those, i still continued to write the lyrics just by going with the flow and more sentences came out and there was this one that went by

Hold on tight, you’ll be fine

wipe away those tears

Dry your eyes, it’s alright

there’s nothing to fear

ANd thEN this clashes with the 2nd verse, with that POV thing since i am directly addressing “you” but for two different groups of people. I didn’t want to have such a huge loophole with that POV thing so i tried to change it, from you’ll be fine to we’ll be fine and dry your eyes to dry our eyes but the latter is just weird. I’m not asking myself not to cry either so it doesn’t make sense if i used our. 

So, i decided to scrape that initial verse 2 and replace with the comforting one, which is a lot better as compared to the scolding one, which might be offensive to the visually impaired. It’s pretty ironic actually, with this song bout doing whatever you want. Still the main reason for the switch was to make sure that loophole is fixed ya know. 

Wk 5

Since i’ve already chosen a path, i just went with it. Then another chunk of lyrics was mentioning those people that are giving you trouble, so i still have that “scolding” segment just that its addressed differently now using words like ‘those’ and ‘they’ so at least it’s “solved” 

Even so, i still only had like a chunk of like an entire song, i didn’t know how and what, like how am i supposed to bring this forward. 

i was playing around with the groove as well, like since i had this intro thing with my hook. i was considering should i go more muted and slow at the intro because the 2nd part of the intro, it goes “down”. its either i go high with a BAM and then everything gets hyped into the verse or it goes down to a more mellow sound. I was considering coming in with an e.guit as well with like a riff and stuff

an option was if i were to get hyped, i’d repeat the hook and then it continues on with the verse. But then again, my verse has the same melody. and by this point, i was wondering what in the world i was doing, this can’t go on. 

WK 8, it was pretty sad that the lecturers had pointed out that the melody of the song was similar with a piece from their time. maybe im just unlucky but it had to go?

it just seems weird to not do anything when u’ve been told about the issue. i thought for a while and decided to just come up with another melody. to be fair, i was also kinda stuck with where i was so i figured why not actually just do something new. even though there wasn’t a lot of time, i decided to just go for it. 

Wk 9; i came up with some lyrics, i’m still focusing on what i’ve actually talked about; the song being about social issues. As i was thinking about what to actually write about, i looked back on what my idea was in the first place. the previous work was supposedly a ‘positive’ song, mainly talking about how we shouldn’t bother about the negativity that people can give you. instead focusing on living life to the fullest without caring about what those people say or think. 

that was the initial direction i wanted the song to revolve around but as i was really thinking on redo-ing the song, it got harder and harder to maintain that positiveness. Maybe because i’m just too full of negative energy, or maybe it’s just not realistic. 

So i decided to look at what i’ve written in my proposal, i spoke in a more general way, touching on the topics of social issues. and i thought, why not produce something that talks about the current day and age. instead of being all positive and empowering, let’s take a step back and look at how far we’ve come.

so that’s what the new lyrics revolve around.

i don’t really remember what made the melody come about but it just came and i just used it. Since i’m somewhat mocking the state of humanity, the song probably needs to be a lot more darker and just give those sort of vibes. 

i started with

it’s the 21st century 

we are living life on the edge

because ya know we have to mention the timing, and that we indeed are living life on the edge. 

Polka dots and neon bright lights

over a decades long affair

this line touches on the past, polka dots gained its popularity back then, neon lights reminds me of retro signs and such.

i went for that drawl effect in the vocals, to give that slight sleazy, lazy kinda sound. it just sounds pretty “nonchalant”

Wk 10

more lyrics were written and arrangement has to come in, so the genre of this piece is pretty all over the place. My previous one is more pop rock but i guess that’s going to change. Again, i don’t really know what happened. a drum beat came out and i added on stuff. Bringing in the bass, and stuff and it just came. 

This piece came out alot more experimental than i expected but i guess thats the gist of experimental. right now, it’s a question whether i can still carry on from then forth or if it’s sufficient just the way it is.

i can say this was pretty frustrating since i wasn’t sure whether this was okay, that was okay since it’s some weird stuff. but i do like the vibes it gives so that’s that. 

i actually do like how it turned out, just a some more tweaking here and there and it should be “okay”

wk15

i tried recording the vocals again for the song, though it didn’t go that well, it took awhile for me to replicate the tone that i had from my first recording. i ended up not using the recording as the main vocal, i used it in the background so there would be this slight doubling that is going on, though it’s not very obvious. 

Mixing this piece was pretty interesting, i had to make sure the sound levels were even throughout, though there were different dynamics here and there so that was fun.

Raynard was in school one day and he gave me some feedback on my songs, he mentioned that i should probably bring the ghost piano up an octave if not.i should get something else to play with it. as the register that the piano was on was slightly awkward and it seemed out of place so i did that and there was indeed an improvement.

wk16 

this piece is pretty much done with the way it is, i just had to sort things out during the mixing process and it will be fine i guess.

[asmanybooks]

3. All The Bright Places

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about a book. I could sit here and explain that or I could just get on with the post. I’ll do a bit of both. It’s hard to write when you’re having trouble reading. You know that of all people for me not being able to get into reading is a real problem. (that was a poorly structured sentence but read it aloud and it comes out the way I would say it) In short, sometimes I get down in ways I don’t understand. And the books in my hands become something I can feel myself starting to resent. It feels like turning on family when that happens to me, so I simply stop reading. And I sleep a lot, and I stay in my room. Or I turn overly social and try to focus on anything but what might be bothering me. It always fades back, melts away so that I feel myself again. Then I pick up my book or my pen, and I get back to reading or writing. But when it hits, it hits. I have to let it pass. So I’ll disappear from time to time, and I won’t post for weeks sometimes. But I’ll come back, always. I wouldn’t leave without saying something. That I can promise confidently. 

This is a book I’ve read before. I’ve read it several times, and the highlighter and dog-eared pages of my copy show how much thought I’ve put into this book. I know a book is good when I come back to it again and and again, whether that means the book is good overall or just good for me. This book is both. It’s well-written, tells an important story that I firmly believe helps call attention to serious issues, and has characters you both identify with and wish to interact with. And it’s good for me as well. By this I mean this story speaks to me on multiple levels, and teaches me something more every time I read it. I see myself in both characters, which is a good thing. Characters are meant to be relatable. I see myself in their behavior and their thoughts. I see other people I know within the story as well, which helps me understand people a bit more. The writing style conveys a tremendous amount of voice, vital in helping me bring out my own voice as I write. The story itself bends and breaks my heart. It mends my heart in parts as well, gives me hope for a great and/or terrible future. The real world shows itself in glimpses within the pages of this book, and it leaves me wanting more every time. 

It’s five AM so this post is going to be all over the place, but aren’t they all kind of all over the place? Anyway, let’s talk more about the content of the book, shall we?

The death of Eleanor is a piece of the story that some don’t connect with very deeply, but when I read this book I always reflect on that first. My older sister means so much to me I have extreme difficulty putting it into words. If I lost her, my world would likely stop spinning as well. And I’m not sure how I would get it spinning again. I want to believe I would think of this story, and all the others I’ve read, and somehow pull myself back into the waking world. But my sister, like Eleanor to Violet, was such a major factor in forming who I am today. Books and writing might lose meaning without her. It would take so long to get that meaning back, or form a new meaning. Violet had a hard time adjusting to a world without her sister, but with the help of a friend and a project to put her thoughts and energy into, she managed to pull it together. I think about this a lot. I believe strongly in Projects. There is power in creation, in putting time and passion into something outside of yourself. It’s therapy, or as some would put it therapeutic. Projects are therapy in my mind, and this book is a bit of the reason I think that way.

Violet is a strong character and I see myself in her, but I see myself more in Finch. The stop and go, the rushing thoughts and a need to do do do something. However, I understand the differences between myself and Finch as well. we are both birds, but we are not the same when it gets to the core of the character. Finch was very unwell. This cuts me deeply, because I know that I have this thing about wanting to save people. I believe in bright places, and I want so deeply to turn back the pages and give Finch so many more, and I want him to stay in those bright places until someone sees, understands, and helps him. Real help, the kind that hurts and is so so hard. The kind that terrifies you and those around you. The kind that changes and saves lives. Finch was unwell, but he was not unreal. His character was very realistic and you got to know him even as he and his troubled mental status cracked apart. You fell in love with the good and maybe even the bad. You feel it when his dad hits him, you feel it when he kisses Violet, you feel it when he remembers the cardinal. Maybe because he felt so much he gave some of it to you even across the distance between paper and reality. A strange concept, but some books feel like they might have that power. 

Like Finch I often rearrange my room. I dress in phases, acting differently depending on mood. I wish people were kinder to each other and wasted less time on the things that might not matter very much. I like to think I live as if I had only two days, but I know that I do not. I have no idea how much time I have but I refuse to believe in just two days. Two days is just too short. Two days is a thought which makes me feel sad rather than brave or Awake. I want more than two days. So did Finch, but in his shrinking world two days was all he could hold onto, all he could conceivably grasp as he fell into the Asleep.

However, I am not the kind of Unwell that dragged Finch down. Finch was truly sick, and not the kind you can easily see. I see possible Bipolar depression, I see possible anxiety, I see possible depersonalisation disorders, I see a boy who was dangerously sick and needed a doctor. Not Advil and a cold shower, but an evaluation and therapy and information. I see opportunities for someone older and more qualified to have stepped in and assessed the situation. I see missed chances, because the boy was Bold and the others were, if not unwilling then most definitely unsure. But listen, if it were a matter of improving and/or saving a life, wouldn’t it be better to take those chances? I would rather misread a situation and cause irritation from my concerns than feel the guilt of not reaching out to someone who maybe just maybe would have reached back. 

This book is a great example for showing why it’s so important to pay attention to the people around you. If you see erratic and unsafe behavior, ask questions. If you see sadness so deep it’s past the point of being excused as typical, ask questions. If you can’t get through to someone, reach out and tell someone who might be able to. If the parents don’t listen, go around them. If the teachers don’t listen, go around them. There is someone out there who will listen and care. There are counselors and Good teachers and Good parents. There are principals who might actually be princi-pal-s. There are doctors and police officers and trusted mentors and people on the beautiful and vast internet. There are authors with twitter accounts who do reply. There are youtubers who read every comment. There are classmates whom you’ve never spoken with that would listen and try to understand and help you reach out if you maybe weren’t strong enough to do so on your own. There are books you can read that will help you. So many books. As many books as there are reasons to stay alive and awake and reaching out, even more books and reasons than you could possibly fathom. 

I got carried away but I think more people should get carried away and not apologise for it, so I am in no way sorry.

This might be my longest post so far, but I don’t care. You can read it or read parts of it or not read it at all. I do this as much for me as I do it for my sister as I do it for you. This is also therapy. 

I want to go on about wandering but in this case I think maybe brevity could be on my side. In short, go out for a Wander. Don’t overthink it. Just go. See. Do. Take away and Leave behind. Maybe write about it. Maybe vlog about it. Maybe just talk about it to a friend over the phone. Maybe keep it to yourself and have that always. Just go, Wander. It’s a massive and incredible world and I don’t want you to miss it.

I also, like Finch, have ‘this thing about water’. Our things are different, but they both exist. I can’t explain it to you, not really. Maybe Finch couldn’t really have explained his thing about water either. Maybe he could have. All I can say is water means something to me. Something more than hydration and erosion and the sound of the ocean. Something I don’t understand, but feel inside. If you have a ‘thing’ like that, like me or like Finch, maybe we could talk about it. It boggles me a bit. I love and hate water. I fear and trust it. I condemn and praise it. I think about it regularly, which might be odd. Or maybe not. Let me know.

This was supposed to be about a book, not turn into a book, so maybe I should call this the end. I might come back to this book as well. I have so much to say and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I would actually really enjoy discussing this book, so if anyone would like to talk with me feel free to start up the conversation. This book means a lot of somethings. I want to share and discuss and advocate. This a platform where such things are possible.

This is a huge amount of text to add but I can’t help it, here’s a shit ton of helplines you can call should you need it. Sorry to be a bit of a PSA here, but it’ll help me sleep at night.

Adolescent Suicide Hotline 800-621-4000

Adolescent Crisis Intervention & Counseling Nineline 1-800-999-9999

AIDS National Hotline 1-800-342-2437

CHADD-Children & Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder 1-800-233-4050

Child Abuse Hotline 800-4-A-CHILD

Cocaine Help Line 1-800-COCAINE (1-800-262-2463)

Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233

Domestic Violence Hotline/Child Abuse 1-800-4-A-CHILD (800 422 4453)

Drug & Alcohol Treatment Hotline 800-662-HELP

Ecstasy Addiction 1-800-468-6933

Eating Disorders Center 1-888-236-1188

Family Violence Prevention Center 1-800-313-1310

Gay & Lesbian National Hotline 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)

Gay & Lesbian Trevor HelpLine Suicide Prevention 1-800-850-8078

Healing Woman Foundation (Abuse) 1-800-477-4111

Help Finding a Therapist 1-800-THERAPIST (1-800-843-7274)

Incest Awareness Foundation 1-888 -547-3222

Learning Disabilities - (National Center For) 1-888-575-7373

Missing & Exploited Children Hotline 1-800-843-5678

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

Panic Disorder Information Hotline 800- 64-PANIC

Post Abortion Trauma 1-800-593-2273

Project Inform HIV/AIDS Treatment Hotline 800-822-7422

Rape (People Against Rape) 1-800-877-7252

Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network (RAINN) 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673)

Runaway Hotline 800-621-4000

Self-Injury (Information only) (NOT a crisis line. Info and referrals only) 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

Sexual Abuse - Stop It Now! 1-888-PREVENT

STD Hotline 1-800-227-8922

Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-999-9999

Suicide Prevention - The Trevor HelpLine (Specializing in gay and lesbian youth suicide prevention). 1-800-850-8078

IMAlive-online crisis chat

Teen Helpline 1-800-400-0900

Victim Center 1-800-FYI-CALL (1-800-394-2255)

Youth Crisis Hotline 800-HIT-HOME

[whitegirlrevert]

Conversion from Catholicism to Islam – a response

How have you found the conversion from Catholic to Islam. Lots of things in common but I’m sure there are also some pretty big differences. 

*note this is just my experience*

At the end of the day religion is just a way to connect with the divine nature. I don’t see it as black or white. The more you get into any religion the more it starts to bother you because you recognize the inconsistencies between faith and practice.

I believe that you can be a believer in something higher or not. It’s something that’s personal. If at the end of the day, religion doesn’t make you a better person and help you benefit humankind then what is the point? That being said, there are many religious people who do benefit immensely from practicing their faith.

…

Use of reasoning.

What I appreciated with Islam is this notion of logic and rationality being used as an explanation for every single tiny thing. My understanding of this has now developed further and I know that even the ways that we construct religious rules and practice can shift depending on the social underpinnings of the initial “law-makers”. Growing up catholic, (and that may just be my specific upbringing) there were no explanations for anything. Everyone just took their faith as something certain without questioning it. This also still happens among muslims. I think it comes from a fear of questioning, based on a slippery slope concept. Perhaps questioning may lead you to leave the faith, and thus, it must be inspired by the “evil spirit”.

I am almost certain that if I was to continue searching with Catholicism, that I would have found a more intellectual basis for it. But there were just too many aspects of belief that were integral to the faith, and yet I fundamentally disagreed with, that it just didn’t make sense to identify as catholic anymore. It takes a lot of courage to reject something that you were brought up with. Multiple layers of disidentification occur before you can ultimately distance yourself.

Similar to use of reasoning, is having explanations for traditions.

Mass, or the specific traditions involved, was never explained to me. Even if I asked, no one seemed to know. In Islam, however potentially flawed, there is a specific reason for everything, and it’s not merely “well this is how people have been doing it for awhile”. I was never a fan of confession and I appreciate the Islamic principle that humans cannot intercede on your behalf. A similarity among reverts to Islam is their rejection of the concept of a trinity due to their inability to conceptualize it. We were always taught that this is the “truth”, but truth is always a construct. If you don’t have a trinity, then a lot of things about Christianity don’t come together for you anymore. I am not saying that it’s incorrect, just that it’s actually quite a difficult and contested concept, and yet, it has become simplified as if you’re just supposed to take such a theological concept at face value.

Specific rights for women.

If you go back to the New Testament and the Old Testament there aren’t really any explicit rights that women get. So when people question me, why can’t Islam operate how christians treat women. First of all, which christian women? Where do they live? There are christian women in parts of Africa who cohabit in polygynous relationships and have no explicit rights. In these regions, muslim women in polygynous relationships actually report higher marital satisfaction in comparison.

Comparative statements may be true in the sense that muslims should be treating women a different way, but often we mix Islam with muslims. The legal rights that women receive in Islam are very clearly stipulated in the religious text. The same does not occur in the bible. Instead, it’s actually external practice that have shaped the lives of Christian women. Do I think that the notion of Christ’s love and salvation plays a role in this? Absolutely! But we nonetheless have countless examples where women are not treated well in Christian communities. We cannot only look at how much fabric is on a woman’s body and deduce from that what the level of her “oppression” is.

Female religious leaders.

I grew up catholic so that’s a pretty specific ubringing. Many other churches allow women to be much more involved in the church, either as priests/ministers/pastors or other leadership roles. Arguably, the catholic church does not provide these positions. The same can be said of mosques – a woman can’t lead prayer in front of men. They can in front of women, but there are pretty much no opportunities made for women to lead female-led prayer either. It’s just not a priority. There are often religious conferences where they invite a token female scholar or worse, no female scholar to the panel. Sometimes I want to yell, “hey! We exist.”

Also, the struggle to find recitation of God’s word in Arabic by a female is real. It’s ridiculous. If you are a man, and think a woman’s voice will distract you then pick a male reciter! It is very simple. I think the concept of a woman’s voice being sexualized is absolute bullshit personally, and unsupported by both the qur’an and sunnah. This view is something that I’ve always found absolutely shocking, particularly because this is not a christian practice.

Judgement.

I don’t know many people that are catholic and actually know about their religion. Instead, I was exposed to individuals who went to church on Sunday, walked straight out, and made racist comments. My experience of the muslim community, however flawed, is that even if they judge (under the cover of haram policing; aka. “leading you to the truth”) they know that judging other people, backbiting, and slander is not permissible in Islam. This value is something that is fortunately often discussed at religious gatherings, and to me, it represents perhaps more authentic practice. For example, I was once coming back from a religious conference in a car with a sister who literally stopped the discussion in the back of her vehicle about how the religious speaker’s voice could have been improved. That to me, is living out your faith. I had never experienced something like that with christians. One thing that the two religious groups have in common is judging each other’s faiths without truly knowing much about them. Muslims definitely know more about Christianity than christians know about Islam. What they lack, however, is an ability to try to see Christian belief from a Christian perspective.

Connection to the divine. 

1. Prayer.

I used to think, “wow, praying 5 times per day on a set schedule. How tedious!” But I think it’s honestly been my greatest blessings since converting. The prayer itself is actually more of worship mixed in with what we would normally view as “prayer” from a Christian lens. The rhythmicity of it all allows it to be a rather mindful exercise. The “call” to prayer is a reminder to prioritize and of the meaning of the word “Islam” itself (to submit to the will of God). We don’t pray when it’s convenient for us, but rather, because we have devotion to something greater. Obviously, this concept was new for me.

2. Jesus culture.

Jesus culture is what I would define as trying to make religion digestible for youth by making the concept of Jesus into something cool, i.e. “Jesus as pop star”. Growing up Catholic this didn’t really happen, so maybe my commentary is directed to other forms of Christianity. As muslims, we still respect and believe in Jesus as a prophet, but we don’t raise this respect to the level of worship. I find it telling that often when people want to insult muslims and Islam they refer to muslims as Muhmmad worshipers or refer to “our God” as Muhammad (astf). It reveals an identification of a human figure with God. Again, prophets are important to our relationship with God, but ultimately, they are not God. This is a concept called shirk in arabic, and it means equating something with God. This is the ultimate sin in Islam.

That being said, I think Jesus culture assists believers in feeling love toward God. Since their God has become so personified, it’s much easier to feel an emotion like love toward another human being than this higher concept of God. Growing up Christian, you just take Jesus as the son of God/also God as something normal. It’s fine if you want to believe that, but to deny that this concept is not problematic theologically, even from a Jewish perspective, is unfortunate.

3. Arabic.

In Catholocism/Christianity, you don’t need to know a certain language. Learning how to pray (the worship ritual prayers) required me to learn those prayers in arabic. But it really isn’t too different from how one learns to pray Our Father. These words are words that are pre-established for us to get certain meaning across. We can do our own prayers using whatever words or language afterwards, but Our Father is kind of a set prayer. The use of Our Father is very similar to the use of Al Fatihah (the first chapter/first few lines of the quran). Eventually, you pick up on terms and use them without thinking. Part of using arabic is because you can convey concepts that you couldn’t adequately describe by translating them into English. Now I am even learning to read the quran in arabic, which is something that I once assumed was impossible.

4. Ritual

I grew up Catholic so I am used to ritual. Nevertheless, I am not going to lie and say that conversion to another faith that employs ritual is easy. It isn’t. Particularly, if you’re trying to hide this new faith from your family members. All I can say is that youtube is a godsend and focusing on intention rather than correctness is very helpful. I have been thinking about creating how-to guides for new reverts and hosting them here, so hopefully that will be beneficial to followers.

5. Gender division

This has been very upsetting and unsettling for me. I understand the reasoning behind the arguments for it but I still find it hard to accept. Growing up and not being exposed to this culturally has a significant impact on how “normal” you find this. For example, certain synagogues also separate by gender in a similar manner. On the one hand, I appreciate being able to focus without distractions. On the other hand, I have extreme hatred for mosques that have dividers for the women constructed in such a way that does not allow me to see the interior of the building, or perhaps worse, is the equivalent of a tool shed. My ideal space is like a gurdwarah, where the genders are separate but side by side. I know a lot of people argue that more men tend to come to the mosque, therefore, they need more space. But I also wonder whether more women would come to the mosque if there was a comfortable space for them. This absolutely isn’t an issue at every mosque, but it’s enough of a problem that there is even a blog created–Side Entrance–that documents the various women’s mosque entrances and spaces across the world. If I don’t feel comfortable in a religious space, I simply don’t go there again. I don’t need to spend my time feeling angry rather than in peace.