#that last bit is true of life in general and something i'm actively working on reengaging

[librarycards]

hi sarah. feel free to delete this if it’s too much, but do you know of any work (academic, personal essays, art, etc) about grieving someone who’s died to suicide/wishing they were alive while also grappling with how to square it with your anti-psych, anti-carceral, pro-bodily autonomy politics? for reference i’ve read Alexandre Baril’s paper on Suicidism before and may revisit it in this light, as well as aleks thom's writing on disenfranchised grief and your lovely recent poem about suicide, but i’m sort of at a loss about where to look for other work about the intersection of these specific topics. many thanks and much love in advance

thank you so much for asking! i feel strange saying "i'm sorry for your loss" because it's clichéd and trite and you've heard it a billion times before. i am sorry, though, and i am equally sorry that you carry your loss into a world that is so deeply hostile to everyone affected by suicide – loved ones, those who have attempted, those who have completed, those who are dealing with suicidal thoughts, all of us.

i think that perhaps the most useful thing to remember is a bit simpler and a lot more challenging than can be conveyed in a paper or poem. it's that peoples' bodyminds are their own, including when they treat said bodyminds in ways we on the outside don't like. this is true for people who do all manner of "unhealthy" and "self-harmful" things, and as loved ones, it's incredibly fucking hard to witness, especially when the consequences are deadly.

suicide grief, and in general, work by loved ones and caregivers to those of us who experience extreme states, is pretty tough to find in the area of Mad studies. this is partially justified, given the degree to which we've all been spoken over and around by abusive "caregivers." yet it also denies the simultaneity embedded in basically any Mad community: we are all both, because we're all together and hurting at once.

i actually have two friends who have written about their own experiences as suicidal + Mad people who have lost close people to suicide: MT Vallerta, a scholar-poet [check out In Memoriam], and poet S.G. Huerta [you should read their poetry book, Last Stop].

Sophie Lewis also wrote an intriguing piece that touches on suicidality, death doulaing, and kinship.

Emily Krebs studies suicide/bereavement from a Mad crip abolitionist perspective, and is worth checking out.

i think it's also a good idea to remember that a way to honor those who have completed suicide is to take better care of suicidal people who are still alive. it only does more harm to suicidal people to approach ideation/attempts carcerally, and indeed encourages more covert, risky, and isolated methods rather than open dialogue. here are some ways to honor - not only support, but truly honor, trust, and respect suicidal people:

candidly speak about death, self-harm, and "dark thoughts" - and what to do around them - before and outside of immediate crises. be explicit in your intentions to support those who are actively suicidal before the next crisis occurs. ask people their preferences - who should you call? is the hospital ever on the table, and if so, under what conditions? who will be there to advocate for them when interacting with carceral authorities?

be candid about how their actions affect you, without placing blame. when someone attempts suicide, everyone they love is affected. this is not the person's fault, but it is something that needs to be addressed in community. here's an example from my own life: a dear friend was forcibly hospitalized after an attempt. i had been a main support person of hers in previous crises, when we lived near each other. when we spoke about her experience months later, i admitted that i felt "guilty" and as though i had somehow caused her to be institutionalized by living in a different place now. she admitted to me that she felt "guilty" for having "let [her loved ones] down" and "letting" her health deteriorate. we were able to find comfort and commonality in our affective experiences, and have become better friends for it.

cool it with the solutions. ask for consent before doing anything, but especially giving advice. many people kill themselves, or try to, because they feel cornered - often for very logical reasons (poverty, oppression, abuse/complex trauma). the adage that a poor person probably has more financial wisdom than a rich advice-giver holds true here, so don't immediately offer tips unless they've asked for them. sometimes, suicidality isn't connected to anything concrete, either, or a person's reasoning doesn't "make sense" (duh). if someone has the courage and trust to come to you with their feelings of suicidality, what they need most is someone to listen, to take them seriously, and to afford them the same personhood that they would have otherwise.

when people disclose thoughts of suicide, they take an immense risk in terms of their safety and credibility, and they do so because it is not possible to be a person alone. but, we also need to hold simultaneously that the individuals who do their best to support a loved one, but are not equipped to do so, are also not at fault for somehow "killing" them. suicide is incredibly complex, and suicide grief perhaps even moreso than other types of grief.

i also don't have concrete answers as to what to do about this conflict between our emotions around suicide - wanting to save a person we love, wanting them to stop hurting, being willing to do anything to keep them around - and imagining a world against and beyond the institution in all its permutations. but i know we will move toward it together through open conversation and trust and collective risk. much love and respect to you for asking such a challenging question during a heartbreaking time. <3

[joi-me-hoi-me-noi]

Hello, I saw that your requests were open and I wanted to ask if I can make one hehe, you don't have to do it or anything like that, but I'll leave the idea here anyway hahaha.

I would like to request a teen! Satoru Gojo x fem! reader and kid!Megumi (or gender neutral) Where Satoru Gojo and reader have known each other since they were little and they are both powerful, therefore when it is time to go on the mission to protect Riko Amanai she is also sent along with Satoru and Suguru,She also suffers because of Toji Zenin and basically everyone is traumatized (here we stick to the canon, doing the daily angst that our dearest Gege gives us..:) ) And basically after the events, reader and Gojo go to Megumi to make Touji's last words come true,I'd like to see a little bit of domestic fluff and a little bit of angst hehe...Reader seeing Toji in Megumi but at the same time wanting to stop because she knows they are completely different people. Happy ending :D

A/n: Thank you for this wonderful request, I'm pretty sure this is the first request regarding JJK in general so yippeeee! Enjoy!

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN (TEEN!GN!Reader x TEEN!Gojo) [ft. KID!Megumi]

"Stay here with Misato, just in case that man manages to make it down here."

You simply nod, looking away. Something felt wrong, you could feel it in your gut. You feel Suguru's hand on your shoulder and you look up at him.

"Satoru's got this, he's the strongest there is. You probably won't even be needed."

You turn to Riko, the sadness building up inside of you. She looked like she was about to cry as well. You had so much fun with her, you'd miss her so much. She rushes into you for a hug, and you hug back tightly, your eyes welling with tears.

"I'm going to miss you." She buries her head in your shoulder. "I'll miss you too, bug."

You let go of her and watch as she walks forward with Suguru, leading her to the end of her life.

You and Misato finally hear the elevator coming down. Satoru made quick work of that guy; it really didn't take that long either.

"That must be him, right?" Misato looks at you, happily.

You start to smile as you felt the elevator growing nearby. Soon it fades, you detect no cursed energy from the lift at all. You start to activate your technique and Misato gets prepared to fight.

The elevator doors open then everything goes black.

"Y/n... Y/n!"

Your eyes slowly open as you wake up with a bad headache. You blink a couple of times and finally adjust to the bright light. Shoko stares at you in relief, smiling softly at you.

"W-What happened?" You suddenly remember the elevator and-

You sit up quickly, groaning in pain and being calmed by Shoko.

"Easy. Easy!" She touches her hand to your back softly, rubbing up and down.

"Is Satoru okay?!" She nods.

The door to the clinic opens to reveal Suguru, a solemn expression on his face.

"Suguru, what's wrong?"

"I gave Riko a choice of continuing to live or to die. She chose to live her life."

You smile, happy he gave her a decision.

"She's...um..."

You laugh softly, smile slowly fading. She couldn't have...

"She's alive and back at home with Misato...right?"

He stays silent, looking at the shiny floor of the clinic.

A sobbing scream was heard from inside the clinic as Gojo listened silently near the door.

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

You shoot awake from your bed, looking over at your boyfriend who is still sound asleep. Your hand unconsciously rubs the spot where Toji Zenin's bullet almost killed you. You let out a sigh and escape from the bedroom and into the kitchen area.

"You're fine." You open the fridge, the glow illuminating your face with the most perfect uncomfortable amount.

You lean your head against the fridge door and take a deep breath before grabbing a water bottle. You couldn't help but rest your head against one of the counters and sob. You hated how your traumatic experiences will always come back to haunt you. You wipe your eyes, take another deep breath and take a sip of your water.

Your ears pick up a light pitter-patter sound approaching slowly. You turn towards the noise, observing Megumi with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, stopped in the middle of the dark hallway.

"Hey Megumi, you shouldn't be up. What's up?" You crouch down in front of the counter as he continues his silent approach.

"I heard you crying and I couldn't sleep." The kid looked so much like him, he scared you sometimes.

"It's nothing to worry about." His eyes are so similar to his father's.

"I think it is if you're crying. Did you have a nightmare?" Everything is similar to Toji.

"So-Something like that. I'm almost an adult, it's nothing."

Megumi just stares at you blankly for a moment before wrapping his blanket-winged arms around your neck.

"Everyone's afraid of something." He leans in closer to your ear, whispering. "It's okay to admit it, I'm afraid too."

You smile and hug him tight, rocking him back and forth on the kitchen floor. He made you feel better, way better than before. He's just a kid, Y/n. He's not his dad.

"Let's rest together, yeah? It might be easier to sleep that way." He nods, tiredly.

You scoop him up and walk over to the couch. You lay on the couch with him cuddled up into your neck, softly breathing. Megumi fell asleep quickly. You brush your fingers through his hair, watching him fall into a deeper sleep. Soon, you follow him into a better dream than before.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

Satoru wakes from his sleep and walks into the living room, knowing you got up in the middle of the night. He spots Megumi cuddling with you in his sleep and you hold him tightly.

'Cute...'

He touches the small scar on the side of your head and then kisses it, bending down slowly. You're more comfortable with Megumi and he hopes you'll get closer to him from here on out.

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

Masterlist —> link

[andhumanslovedstories]

hi! i'm gonna overshare a little bit but i'm doing my nursing prereqs right now and i'm really worried. i'm kind of really mentally ill and i've been worrying recently if nursing is worth it. i want to help people and it sounds so interesting and i love medical stuff but i don't want to get burnt out with the stress and long hours. someone told me that nursing is a lot like being a restaurant server, and i don't want to go to school and get a degree and a career that's literally just serving again. is it satisfying? is it rewarding? is it soul-killing? i'm scared

hi there! I'll overshare in return! I'm just coming off three months of disability for burnout (which for me is just depression but with a name you can use in the workplace). My job didn't cause my depression, but it certainly exacerbated it. The hours, the stress, the constant exposure to people suffering and the limits on your ability to do something about it, all those suck and they can break your brain. (On the other hand, I've been majorly depressed while working at an ice cream parlor where the walk-in freezer was for smoking weed. You can be depressed anywhere.)

And it is a hard job! Harder in some parts of the field than others. Different places have different nursing cultures, different laws, different staffing, etc. Where I work, there's good protection and advocacy for nursing. That's not true everywhere.

With all that said--I really like nursing. I get to do work that I know contributes good to the world. I get to solve very practical problems. I meet people I would never otherwise meet. I have the opportunity every shift to do something that I am proud of. And a lot of times, I find it fun! It's fun to brainstorm how to make someone who's been puking all night feel better. It's fun to see your efforts rewarded, even in small ways. It's fun to stop something before it becomes an emergency. It's fun bustling around, juggling a dozen different things. It's not ALWAYS fun. But for me, the work is not just meaningful but also enjoyable.

That's how I knew I had bad burnout btw. Even when things went well and I did work I was proud of, every shift was such a fucking slog.

If you are interested in the basic work of nursing (managing the human response to illness and promoting health), then there's a million and one jobs you can do with a nursing degree. They cater to different traits. I've discovered I really like precepting new nurses, I like working on the floor with its routine and concrete goals, and I like symptom management. I don't like critical care or the emergency department or working on stuff that isn't patient care, like paperwork and charge nursing. I like novelty but not chaos. I like independence but not being left entirely to my own devices. I like that I physically cannot take any of my work home. I do not like being on committees. So for me, right now at this point in my life, I like being a basic med-surg night shift float pool nurse. I would be absolutely miserable as a neuro ICU critical care day shift nurse. I would be bored to death being an inpatient rehab night nurse. Being a nurse manager would probably make me suicidal again.

If you find the basic work interesting and rewarding, you can tailor it to your taste. (I can't recommend floor nursing enough for the adhd havers amongst us.)

and last thing, regarding mental illness: I think a lot of nurses (and ppl in healthcare in general) struggle with mental illness way more than they think they do. Someone who knows they have depression and works to manage it will likely be more resilient than someone endlessly pushing through their fatigue and misery. Probably a better nurse, too. I take meds, go to therapy, get sleep, push myself to eat, take sick days, protect my limited energy, do physical activity--I'm a gym girlie now!!--because I'm treating a disease I know that I have. Just knowing that there's something up with your brain and doing something about it puts you way ahead like half of the people who work the emergency department.

[mumblingsage]

Meanwhile a fantasy author I've enjoyed: yeah, Isabel Cooper's The Nightborn, finished last night, was fantastic both as fantasy and as romance. Honestly, if your complaint about romantic fantasy is "the romance keeps derailing the fantasy stuff I'm interested in," I'd say give this a shot? The fantasy plotline doesn't feel compromised, the worldbuilding is interesting, the monsters and magic are very vivid.

-And this makes me enjoy the romance plotline more, even. Nightborn seems to have done something that I'm glad to see someone do and at the same time kinda envious I didn't do first (I need to write more book-length work, obviously). Avert yer gaze for spoilers to the end of this paragraph, but: I don't think the hero and heroine actually say "I love you" in this one? And now I'm not even sure the couple in the prior book said it either (though the hero and his late/ex partner talk about loving each other with the message "there are all different kinds of love", now I need a hankie). Instead they demonstrate they care about each other in a whole bunch of other ways and say other things, including a swoony romantic "I have to die someday and you're a great person to die beside" (not an exact quote because my ereader isn't loaded at the moment, but close).

-Worldbuilding-wise, this is a 'queernorm' setting that I liked and believed in! Notable things: use of singular 'they' pronouns both for nonbinary characters and, at least on the heroine's side, for children whose gender she doesn't know. The heroine doesn't seem to pursue women romantically (she does have a nonbinary lover in her backstory) but at a ball she dances with another woman. Not as a romantic pairing but because it's a ball, you dance with your fellow attendees! (Also the other woman is a general and somewhat plot-relevant, but it's not some sort of manipulative attempt to get close to her--they're dancing to be friendly and because it's a ball.) I feel like I've seen a lot of ballroom dancing scenes by authors with feminist and queernorm cred, but this might be one of the first times I've seen one with true gender-neutral dance pairings?

-My "Cooper's characters might actually be too decent and calm and correct all the time; a dash more interpersonal drama could be realistic and interesting" qualm is somewhat present but not hampering my enjoyment. Because I don't want every book I read to be about smart, competent, kind people who I'd like to hang out with in real life--but I do want to read books like that occasionally, and this one met that need! The hero does do one consent-check before a sex scene that I think was actually inappropriate (frankly, it seemed to raise concerns the reader didn't have and the story doesn't follow up on)--even as it's a consent check I've had said almost word-for-word to me in real life and appreciated (my circumstances were different!). But it's not a bad flaw to have, and there might well have been a characterization point being made that I didn't quite grasp (that is, the point possibly was intentional that the hero was being a bit too conscientious when the heroine is actively jumping his bones). There was another point I really liked when this poor, darling, much-cockblocked man was like "Wait, you're stopping mid-sex. Is something wrong? If you need to stop I completely understand--oh we're being attacked by monsters." I like to think my thought process in the situation would be similar.

-Cooper is great at giving characters realistic thought processes. I had a small giggle around the second chapter where the hero and heroine take a few steps arm in arm, then have to stop and untwine their arms at the cloak check. Not awkward enough to induce embarrassment, but plenty relatable.

-There IS a leavening amount of snark, sarcasm, and wry humor (none of it smarmy) that keeps things from being saccharine. What sweetness there is feels earned and is often either there to up the stakes so you feel worse when characters are in peril (not a specific spoiler but an indication of the series' tone: not all make it!), or is there as a soothing balm after someone's gone through the wringer. And here's also where I feel the fantasy is as prominent as the romance: certain strands of romance would pull punches in a way fantasy writers wouldn't, and Cooper doesn't pull the punches. There's some gore in here and the fantasy demons are genuinely horrific. Which also avoids my *other* concern when genre writers use humor: the humor feels realistic, sometimes used as a coping mechanism for stress; it doesn't undermine the stakes of the story or break the mood or verisimilitude.

-In my earlier post, I praised how the hero of Nightborn rarely wears sleeves and Cooper frequently comments on this fact for the better delectation of the reader. There's a scene toward the end where he's ripping his sleeves off to use as bandages and the text pauses to comment on this fact in a way I can only take as a wink in my direction. I have rarely felt so loved and nourished as a reader.

All this said, neither my library system nor Hoopla have the last book in the trilogy so I'm probably going to buy it (happy to support her, but books I buy tend to drop down under my library-based reading lists). Most of all because I want to know how the ominous apocalyptic fantasy plotline is resolved! The central romance in that one features a Paladin-type, and frankly I'm interested to see how "author I like who writes characters who are on the borderline of too decent" writes "character archetype known for being boringly decent." I think she's going to pull it off!

[freckliedan]

real talk then-if gender is made up than aren't we all on some level both conforming and defying gender?

i mean, yes and no? man i'm going to get lengthy with this one again. WAIT SIKE. (not fully sike, but imagine this easily twice as long and now you know why i said sike). i was four paragraphs in and remembered the 'no such thing as fish' gender post which expresses those 4 paragraphs way more concisely than I can.

we all know what a fish is even though there's no single universally applicable definition of fish. the same is true of gender. because it is impossible to define with any type of specifics, it is impossible to get a 100% in conforming to gender.

so like. there's a window of tolerence. because man and woman are such broad categories, successful & more complete conformity to a binary gender doesn't mean getting it right all the time. it means displaying nonconformity rarely enough that it's understood as an exception to your usual behavior, sometimes even an exception that further reinforces your status as correctly gender compliant.

so, the closest it gets to a yes is the fact that yes, most people perform gender in ways that are both conforming to and out of alignment with the way that their gender is defined by the collective.

but even in that scenario i have to say most people, because intersex people exist! and different intersex conditions result in development of different primary and secondary sex traits so there's no universal intersex experience but like. some of us never had the option of fitting into either binary/sex gender category to start with.

& the other reason that's a "most people" is because there are plenty of nonbinary people whose gender expression categorically removes us from passing effectively as either gender.

there's no gender FOR me to conform to. if i tried performing womanhood like my sister or manhood like my cousins both options would come across as draglike. i'm not the only person living life like this, either—that's what makes an all statement like yours inaccurate/impossible.

& the other reason for my no in my original yes and no? that's largely something that comes down to semantics for me. not everyone intentionally defies gender, though everyone does definitely fail to conform to gender at times.

wearing makeup is a common form of gender conformity for women. in this example, not wearing makeup is unintentional nonconformity, whether it's because you can't afford it, or were running late and didn't have time, or because you're disabled and lack the motor control to apply it, etc etc. for a woman to choose not to ever wear makeup because of a refusal to opt in is gender defiance.

defiance isn't passive, it's active.

(of makeup: i said common form of gender conformity, because there's definitely contexts in which excess displays of femininity are not rewarded. i'm not expressing this well as it's the middle of the night but @drdemonprince has an excellent article i reccomend reading & is someone whose work i reccomend in general).

the umbrella of gender nonconformity covers both unintentional nonconformity and active defiance, when it's used in discussions. it's a useful umbrella, because it's important to be able to discuss the way gender nonconformity is responded to by those who uphold cishetero patriarchal ideals of gender. because they're not going to ask whether or not it comes from a place of defiance before treating people differently for our gender failures.

(i've used the phrase gender failure multiple times tonight. i can pinpoint the exact reason i use that phrase! the book gender failure by ivan coyote & rae spoon, which i read last year after top surgery. i consider myself someone who has failed at gender, and that's something i think of myself with love and pride).

so: a little bit yes, but mostly no. to say yes feels reductive, but to resoundingly say no to your ask is unfair, considering how long it took me to explain my thoughts in detail, & how much of that no is tied up in semantic disagreement.

[auxiliarydetective]

OHC Day Seventeen: Being is Believing

Does a Spaceship have a Klabautermann?

I say yes! Simply because it's cool. So, I'm going to give you some rambles on what I think the Klabautermänner of various spaceships are like, through the eyes of my OCs I have put on those ships - since my spacefaring OCs are almost all telepaths and thus would be able to percieve the Klabautermänner.

These blurbs do get a bit angsty at times...

Featuring:

The Enterprise (NX-01) from Star Trek: Enterprise + my OC Ezori

The Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) from Star Trek: The Next Generation + my OC K'Rala

The Voyager (NCC-74656) from Star Trek: Voyager + my OC Wren

The Orville (ECV-197) from The Orville and The Orville: New Horizons (aka honorary Star Trek; Star Trek: Orville, if you will) + my OC Raevyn

Enterprise, NX-01

"You're back early," Malcolm commented, looking at his watch and then at Trip. "Didn't you say something about a broken power conduit that would take you hours to fix?"

Malcolm and Ezori were sitting together in her quarters, where he was trying his best to learn sign language from her. They had made a habit of this a while ago. Ezori would learn signs from the intercom Hoshi and Trip had built for her and would then pass them on to Malcolm once she was sure with them. Trip would join them sometimes, but he preferred just letting Ezori into his mind over having to concentrate to learn sign - no matter how much other people tried to convince him that it was a good idea.

"Turns out it wasn't too bad," Trip shrugged. He settled down among the many pillows and blankets next to his friends. "Must've had a Klabautermann to help me."

Whereas Malcolm chuckled lightly, Ezori just tilted her head at him, a confused expression on her face.

"It's an old Earth superstition," Malcolm explained, "that—"

"It's not a superstition, it's true!" Trip protested. "A Klabautermann – traditionally – is a seafaring spirit that helps worthy sailors out on the seas. Some say it's a water spirit born from the ocean, others say it's an incarnation of the ship itself taht manifests when it's really loved and cared for. And, y'know, with space travel, people have been wonderin' if a spaceship can have a Klabautermann too. The Enterprise is a great ship, so I say she can."

Malcolm scoffed. "Either way, we'll never be able to see it, even if it were real, since humans can't see spirits," he concluded.

Ezori pressed her lips together and puffed her cheeks out a little, a clear tell that she was thinking.

Would I be able to see it? she finally asked.

Trip and Malcolm looked at each other with furrowed brows. Clearly, they had never thought about it this way before. Of course they hadn't, they hadn't talked to a lot of non-human people before going on this mission.

"Well, your eyes work the same as our eyes, don't they?" Malcolm asked slowly. "So, I guess not?"

"And you're blind!" Trip gasped, turning into soft laughter as he talked. "So, no, I don't think so. – Was that a trick question?"

With a frustrated little growl, Ezori reiterated: 'See' as in 'the way I make sure I don't walk into walls'. I don't know how to say that. Hot. Cold. Vibrations. Thoughts. Sound.

"Ah," both of her friends hummed, retreating into stumped silence.

"I guess maybe," Trip finally said. "I mean, what even are spirits? Are they thoughts? Are they on some kind of wavelength that we just can't perceive but you can?"

"Could T'Pol see them?" Malcolm wondered. "She's also a telepath isn't she, just not quite as... active of one."

Trip shrugged. "I guess if you see a ghost, you'll tell me, alright?"

Enterprise, NCC-1701-D

A lot of things had changed since that day on Vagra II. Everyone missed Tasha, it was true. It had hit K'Rala the hardest, losing they girlfriend to something they deemed as humiliating, a cruel display of power with no regard for life. But since then, they had bloomed in a way that Tasha would admire.

Encouraged by Tasha's last goodbye, K'Rala had started coming out of their Vulcan shell, allowing themselves to let loose little by little. It had started with changes to their posture, flashes of smiles and little jokes, as they started taking on the best (and sometimes worst) traits of the people around them. They really were getting more comfortable, experimenting with not only their social skills but also their appearance, cutting their hair and stopping to straighten it into those logical, geometric-looking shape, bleaching it white and letting it be its natural, wavy self.

There was one thing that worried Geordi though. Whenever K'Rala was working down in engineering, in any stressful situation, they would start talking to themselves, or to some other person that wasn't there. It was always on topic, as if there were a ghostly coworker beside them, an extra set of hands to make the necessary corrections fast enough, to carry out more tasks and save time. Sometimes, they even seemed to be talking to the ship herself, which... Well, it wasn't unusual. A lot of people did, little comments, pleas to hold on or not to fail them. But with K'Rala, it was different. Full-blown conversations, as if the ship were actually responding.

It made Geordi wonder if they could possibly be seeing a Klabautermann.

Voyager, NCC-75656

Wren lay in sickbay, staring up at the ceiling as they faded in and out of consciousness. Damned be their biology, incredibly resilient systems that were as hard to invade as they were to heal... But its one weakness had always been the mind.

Since there was no way to treat them, they had been confined to sickbay until further notice, and banned from shapeshifting. Lying around in their true form made them feel vulnerable in a way they truly despised. On top of that, having a tail truly didn't make lying on your back any more comfortable.

But the worst part of it all was that Wren thought they were starting to hallucinate. They had told the Doctor so, of course, but there was nothing to be done about it. Every now and again, a phantom would ghost through their field of view, a mirage of their heat-based vision, vaguely humanoid and child-like, wearing a tattered hood and a belt of tools.

Maybe they'd have to tell Tuvok about it soon. Maybe he would be able to knock that error out of their mind.

Orville, ECV-197

Raevyn wasn't an engineer. She knew nothing about machines and electronics except how to use and power them. But she came from a telepathically gifted culture and she knew better than to disrespect something with a name.

Gordon had told her once that what she was describing was, in human terms, a Klabautermann. A spirit that inhabited ships, in their understanding of folklore. But the Tehiko believed and knew that there was a spirit like that in every machine with a name. Ships were the most prominent example, of course, but they also named their weapons and their earpieces, as was only worthy of things so dear to them.

Of course, Raevyn could never actually admit that she was seeing a Klabautermann, that there was a ghostly little girl roaming the halls, wearing a headpiece like the Orville's rings. It would get her confined to sickbay for some kind of mental illness. But whenever she saw that spirit sitting on the handrail down in Engineering, watch John and the others work with childlike wonder, she couldn't help but smile. And when the ship had been boarded, when everything had seemed so dire, she knew this loyal spirit would see to it that the crew made it out alive.

General Taglist: @starcrossedjedis @oneirataxia-girl @daughter-of-melpomene @bravelittleflower @box-of-bats

@eddysocs

Star Trek Taglist: @enterprise-come-in

Let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

[qqueenofhades]

How does one not feel hopeless during these times? I just turned 24, and news came out today that we're going to permanently fuck the climate in the early 2030s if nothing changes. And by the previous track record, nothing meaningful will change fast enough. I'm not ready to die and I don't want to think I'm part of humanity's last generation, but it's getting increasingly hard to think otherwise...

Welp. Okay. Here's a bit of food for thought.

First: I get it. I absolutely get it. I see those articles with headlines like "Why Civilization Will Collapse by 2040!!!!" and it's like, well, what am I even doing here? What is the point of my life and is it going to end in some Mad Max-style apocalypse? Why the fuck do the people who have the power to make major changes and/or stop their destruction of the planet just not care??? Why do they think there's another backup Earth out there??? THERE IS NOT!!! WE ONLY HAVE ONE PRECIOUS BEAUTIFUL PLANET AND YOU ARE RUINING IT MORE IN A HUNDRED YEARS THAN PEOPLE HAVE DONE IN ALL OF HISTORY!!! MOTHERFUCKERS!!! MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

[Stand by for incoherent rage.]

After the rage phase often comes the despair and the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, which can be paralyzing and feel like there's nothing to be done. Which isn't true, but boy, it's hard not to feel like that. If you want to feel like you're doing something personally, there are ways to change your daily habits and to volunteer with earth groups and take part in protests or whatever. Maybe it won't solve everything everywhere all at once (ba-dump-tssh), but the core theme of that movie is learning to live anyway when things feel rotten and hopeless and like there's no more chance for a future and that you yourself aren't important. So there's that.

This isn't willful delusion or Pollyannaism. Things are bad and need to be addressed urgently, and while there isn't as much progress as anyone would like, it is still happening. And -- I want to emphasize this -- a lot of climate change activism, rightly or wrongly, relies on scaring YOU personally enough to feel that unless you do A,B,C,D etc right now, the world will end within 10 years. Fear is often a good motivator especially when people don't seem to be taking it seriously, but while climate scientists are issuing serious warnings about the changes we need to make, they often and repeatedly emphasize that it is NOT hopeless, and saying/acting like it is already inevitable and irreversible only benefits the people who stand to gain the most from the current status quo (i.e. billionaires and corporations and big polluters). There are things that can be done right now and progress that is already being made, so don't let that get lost. We used to hear a lot about the ozone layer -- now we don't. Why? Because we fixed that motherfucker! It's possible and it can be done.

Next: climate change is extremely unlikely to cause the widespread end of humanity, at least in my, your, or anyone currently alive right now's lifetime. Yes, extreme weather events will get more widespread and severe; yes, biodiversity is at risk in an unprecedented way, and there are plenty of reasons to wonder what the future global climate will look like and who it will affect the most. But we've already been living with the effects of climate change for decades, and we're still here. We are still building futures and living lives and all the rest of it, and while there are always things to worry about, it's not the case that this needs to be framed as an instant, imminent, apocalyptic, and unavoidable thing. The people who do put it that way are generally not the scientists actually working on the problem, and have a lot invested in scaring you and making you feel helpless to change anything, not just environmental and climate policies. Which isn't the case, so yes. Chin up, my dear. It may not always be okay, but it's still going to BE okay. If you know what I mean.

[loftec]

time zone tag game time

Tagged by the lovely @deedala and @wehangout ty!

Name: lofty

Age: 38 (this is good practice for me, having to say it every week, so I remember)

Location: Sweden

And now...

What is your DJ name? Not sure if I need to do something to acquire a DJ name (it feels like the sort of thing I should be given to me) but I always use the squid emoji as an avatar for me when I text, so maybe DJ Squid... or no! The main reason I use the squid emoji is because of its flailing tentacles, so really what I'm trying to get at is the movement of the thing. DJ Whacky Waving Inflatable Tube Pal. (This would also be my signature dance move.) (Wednesday night is Flail Night with DJ Whacky Waving Inflatable Tube Pal, 6 feet apart at all times or you will be Whacky Smacked in the face!)

If you were a genre of music, what would it be?

Something like this, so I guess the tuba/pedal steel genre?

What would you title your biography?

Mellanbocken Bruse

What are the first three things you'd do if you were invisible? Okay so first thing is travel to London and I will count the trains to and from the airports as part of one thing, one journey (or just pay for those, but sneak on the plane) and then I would sneak into the wildly expensive Spirited Away stage show and watch it from the dang orchestra pit I'm going to be so close, I'll stand in the front and not be in the way of anyone, and then maybe I'll do it again the next day for my third thing.

What subject do you wish was taught in every school?  What even are taxes and how does it work.

When was the last time you tried something for the first time and what was it? Last week my friend had Banoffee flavoured oat milk in her coffee and I got to taste it, I thought I wouldn't like it because I don't generally want my coffee to be sweet, but it wasn't terribly sweet and mostly tasted of banana, so it was pretty nice!

What is the most underrated city you have ever visited?  I don't know what cities I like are underrated, but I definitely underrated Norrtälje before I visited for the first time, and my colleague suddenly turned our walk into a tour of different filming locations for one of my childhood favourite films. Mind blown.

What day in your life would you like to relive? One specific day in New York two years ago. (Two years!! When did that happen?)

If you could eliminate one thing from your daily routine, what would it be and why?  I would say dishes but I am trying to learn to love them and it's been going pretty well so. I suppose the thing I'm trying to absolutely banish from my routine is doomscrolling reels, which I did only this morning even though I feel like shit every time I do it. I don't know if that counts, but it's like, some things like dishes are just things that you have to do so I would rather learn to like them, but some things become routine even though they actively just make my life worse and that's algorithmic social media, and I want it gone.

How long would you last in a zombie apocalypse?  I like to claim that I would not last a day but I'm not sure that's true actually. I would try to find a group of friends and work together and build a little secure community somewhere and if I'm not on my own, I think we could make it work for a while, until we get eaten.

What would be the most surprising scientific discovery imaginable? I was going to say some sort of magic but then I remembered that like, audio recording is still magic to me so what do I know.

If you could have any view out your office window, what would you choose?

I think lots of people have already been tagged, but if you haven't and want to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[aftereality]

user loading… GONG YIYANG. your current avatar is registered as NING YIZHUO ( NINGNING ). you have been logged in for 23 years since 3001 APRIL 7. your highest ranking stats are CREATIVITY and IMMATURITY. please select your playlist from 666 WITH A PRINCESS STREAK or SAID THE CITY IS MINE for today. last saved activity: working as a STYLIST @ RE:SKIN. resume your ongoing game?  • • • 

hi, i'm ruvi, bringing to you terra's newest fashion girlie who's back from her server hopping trip that got cut short because her parents cut her off, so she's funding herself by hustling over at re:skin's stylist department. her info and connections are below, please like the post to plot and i’ll send a message here or send you my disc ♡

yiyang grows up quite privileged. her family weren't visionaries by any means, but they had the money to invest early in terra when they saw the signs. that wealth has only accumulated since then, and yiyang is born with a diamond rendered spoon in her mouth by the time the wealth reaches her generation.

so life is so easy, for her. things happen when she snaps her fingers, metaphysically. or literally physically? because she gets that they're code in a simulation and all that, but if she feels real to herself, that's all yiyang needs. she treats the whole simulation with a bit of irreverence, having a tendency to drop sarcastic quips and references to being code without meaning it, because she doesn't actually feel like code.

she has more money than she knows what to do with, so yiyang took a trip around the servers back when she was 20, spending a year each in allara, illori, and evros, just for the fun of it! the plan was to make a round trip with omicron as her last stop, but something got in her way... something being her parents, who decided she needed to grow her own wings.

and now life is difficult, because she's been cut off, with a generous allowance that just isn't enough for her last trip over! and she's been booted out to live in the megabuildings, the horror? yiyang decides to make use of her interest in fashion and incredible good taste (her words) to work as a stylist in re:skin, leveraging some of her contacts with the higher echelons of society to speed her way up the ladder.

aka, the nepo baby allegations might be true! yiyang is just a hot girl here for the hot girls & boys, she can be confident to be point of being a little delusional and annoying, but she doesn't really mean ill. has a thing for adrenaline and testing the limits of what terra might allow, all within monetary reasons—and unfortunately for her, those reasons have shrunk a little as of late!

wanted connections

celebrity muses, people she loves styling and working with, and who she can show off

office/corporate rivals. one of them can't stand the other, and they're making it everyone's problem

how the mighty fall, they like seeing yiyang slog it out in re:skin or slumming it with the megabuildings when she always seemed so out of touch to them

trophy fling/fwb of the week, yiyang's the sort to shower them with gifts and attention for a moment, but it's never anything truly serious (unless…?)

any of her many exes. could have ended on good terms or they still have bad blood between them

skeptic to her believer, for all of yiyang's quips she doesn't really question terra's policies, but they do, and it's challenging what she thought

[itwoodbeprefect]

fic asks! 2, 12, 16 (i know i'm being mean. feel free to tell me i'm being mean), 23

2. Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

hmmmm i keep thinking about ghosts. that was true anyway (thai media is great at thoughtful ghost stories) and then peaceful property started eating my brain every wednesday (note: just an expression. this is still about ghosts, not zombies) and now it's even true-er. but i also don't particularly want to kill any of my blorbos so i don't know, i don't know. maybe i need to start seriously thinking about original fiction again, so i'm not really killing anyone because the person has been dead the whole time on some level.

or, alternately. this could be a sign i just need to write some due south fic. built-in ghosts! in hindsight, maybe my newfound love for ghost stories with a kind view of the world was way more predictable than i thought.

-

12. Is there an episode above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?

i mean, i think i HAVE to answer h50 s07e08 Hana Komo Pae (Rite of Passage). i can't NOT say h50 s07e08 Hana Komo Pae (Rite of Passage) after writing three different fics about it.

-

16. If you only could write one pairing for the rest of your life, which pairing would it be?

you are being a little mean, but only a little, because while i do sort of want to say starsky & hutch, i think the only real and true answer has to be steve & danny. even if it's purely because they're incredibly easy to write and come with a lot more easily accessible nuances in their canon relationship because. we get 10 seasons (which is more than 4. math.), and modern episodic media still allows ever so slightly more change and growth than 70s episodic media.

-

23. If you were to revise one of your older fics from start to finish, which would it be and why?

i actually did almost do something like this last year! somewhere in my drafts there's a half-written version of a sort of. counterpart/rewrite of my very first h50 fic ever, Wanted: parter (in crime), which i was going to post on the 30th of august 2023, exactly five years after i posted that fic, which was also the five year anniversary (minus a few days) of when i started watching the show. the reason it didn't happen is that i didn't remotely make my self-imposed deadline, and now i may need to wait for the ten year anniversary of Wanted.

and for a sillier answer: i'd rewrite Tell me the sky is falling now but i'd keep everything the same and not really rewrite it at all but take out/change one (1) line i didn't like much when i posted it and that now continues to bother me every time i reread it but also doesn't bother me ENOUGH that i've actually sat down to change it after the fact, which i generally don't do with posted works unless there's something actually wrong with them.

(the line is "Hutch takes a single glass down from the cupboard – he prefers it when he’s not trying to be cool and streetwise, but Starsky doesn’t mind drinking straight from the can – and opens the fridge without looking over his shoulder even once." and it's not actively terrible but i think i just needed something there from hutch to break up starsky's bits of dialogue and i ended up with a really clunky random fact that i suppose implies something about hutch's character but i'm not even sure i agree with it and i think there are a million ways this could have been smoother or more streamlined or just replaced by some other little sidenote. but also. it doesn't really matter. and it's not that bad. i just know i felt unsure about it, which makes me dread getting to that part, which makes me like it even less. these poor words never stood a chance.)

[moonchild-in-blue]

Hey there! A bit late but i'm here for the ask game! (*´v｀*) I'd like to ask 1, 11, 23, 63, 78 and 88 but i know it's a lot so no pressure, please feel free to ignore any of them if you don't feel like answering it! 🫂💖

Hi!!! Not late, never late! I will put this under the cut because ~lenght~. These are all very good questions, thank you Lev 💙🪲

(What’s your biggest insecurity? Do you like who you are around people? Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you ever get paranoid? What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends? What kinds of things confuse you?)

1 - What’s your biggest insecurity?

My body, which is such a sad answer, but it's true. I'm working on it. My voice - some people do not take me seriously because I have a "girly voice", especially when stressed, even though it's really not that high pitched. I had to force my Big Girl Sexy Deeper Voice out at my previous job just to get my points across. Again, sad.

Also my inability of expressing my feelings out loud. I write it a lot, but I can't genuinely remember the last time I said the words "I love you" with my own voice.

I know why I am the way I am, and I wish it didn't get to me, but this will be my cross to bear until the end of my days. I think I try to be as loudly affectionate as possible here, because I'm hoping it will make it easier for me irl.

11 - Do you like who you are around people?

Depends on the people, really. I like the way I am around my friends, even if there are parts of me I supress. I wish I was better around my sister - she deserves more than I am, and it frustrates me that I sometimes act like our parents towards her. It kills me inside.

I don't know how to answer in relation to my parents. On one hand, it's very relieving to be amongst people who understand certain parts of me without me having to justify or explain (something about being a 1st gen immigrant child lol). On the other, being at home puts me back to my 16yo mindset, when I was really angry and sad and struggling, and I hate it.

With strangers, it really depends. I am too anxious to notice haha. I just really like to be alone, I suppose. It's easier that way, at least.

23 - Do you believe in an afterlife?

Yes! I am very much Christian, so I do believe in heaven/hell, and the concept of an afterlife.

I don't really talk about it much here, because I know there are so many of you who have been failed and mistreated in the name of religion (which was not how any of this was supposed to happen, and it really breaks my heart) and prefer to steer away, which I 100% understand. Also, some people get extremely weird around Christians, and assume a number of things without even talking to them, so I spare myself the unpleasantness. I hope this makes some sense!

63 - Do you ever get paranoid?

Baby, anxiety is my middle name. I get paranoid about things you could never imagine. 😎 But yeah.

Every time I hear my door bell ringing, or knocking, I always think it's the police coming to get me, even thought the most illegal thing I've done is download music?? And my family is... normal. No suspicious activity or anything, so I really don't understand why. Make it make sense.

78 - What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends?

There isn't much I'm not comfortable with tbh. My friends have seen me at my worse, and we know almost everything about each other. We've been friends for a very long time.

Maybe just being affectionate? I have a really hard time with that, but it gets easier around them. And they know how unhinged I am about my blorbos, so I don't really need to censor myself haha. I do a little code-switching. I speak a bit differently around my family, and with them I tend to use a more generalised/commonly accepted language, rather then my parent's countries expressions.

88 - What kinds of things confuse you?

LIFE IN GENERAL. How do you make decisons? How do you know you're in the right path?

Math. Cars. Sports. It's all Simlish to me lmao.

[consul-valerius]

random updated/established sam family dynamic things I've added that I haven't had to chance to share yet (partially inspired because the current book I'm reading has a protag with strikingly similar dynamics as him and it's making me laugh lmfao):

Going from the most obvious/unchanged things but Sam is the oldest of five siblings; he has one full brother** (same mother and father) and 3 half-siblings (different fathers)

Grew up living with his siblings (Sanjari, Muthu**, Roshni, and Balan), mother (Somatra), maternal grandmother, his biological father (Dheivamani), Dad 2.0 (Khodi), and briefly Dad 2.5 (Iravan)

Muthu (short for Chinnamuthu) is one of the only siblings who actively seeks Sam out when it's necessary because he will only respond to him; he has never given up hope that one day Sam and him will reconnect like how they were when they were younger

Balan is the youngest and also wants to have a relationship with him, but Sam is less likely to engage with him. He and Roshni are full siblings; Roshni has very mixed feelings about everything LMFAO

Sanjari is the second eldest daughter, the only child with Iravan, and is the most resentful towards Sam, often getting hostile if he is even mentioned in front of her. Sam feels the same way towards her (more or less)

More of the heavier, longer details undercut; content warnings for mentions of familial death & injuries (and general family angst lololol)

Iravan was employed as a translator for different Prakran military groups and mainly traveled abroad (something Sam was extremely envious of, hint hint lol); he and Somatra eventually ended things after Balan was born, and he stopped sending money/letters all together

Somatra was a major figurehead in their village, known for her quiet poise and strength. Worked as the unofficial "captain" of a fishing boat and was an expert diver despite never being compensated as such. A little like a local legend in some ways lol

She was also a bit of Hoe (adoring), and while all the other siblings obviously knew she had her three (then two) life partners, she was also sleeping with several other people on the side. Sam is the only one of his siblings to know this (apple -> tree)

Dheivamani and Somatra met while he was a traveling poet; he traveled with a group of orators up until after Muthu was born. When Sam was a child, he severely injured one of his legs on his last trip, resulting in him losing it

(This was extremely traumatic for Sam and was really the beginning of him needing to step up as a secondary parental figure for the family; this is also why he is so paranoid about keeping his body in shape--yes this is me giving sam my very specific daddy issues LMFAO)

Sam attended school up until he was 15; he was expelled when he broke a chair over his teacher's head (deserved). As a result, Somatra gave him two options: leave to live with his extended family further west to complete his schooling OR remain home and take on an apprenticeship at the village's pearl farm.

Obviously he took the latter option, knowing his family would not thrive without him home and not wanting to leave them (he will not make that choice again)

Sanjari and Sam always butted heads as the eldest "daughters" and that tension was only exasperated when Iravan left. She was the only one to (correctly) assert that Sam had willingly left the family; all the others held onto the belief that he was taken/blackmailed into leaving (also slightly true?)

Somatra only slightly found out the truth when a group of soldiers showed up at her home demanding she give them information on Sam, informing her that he was wanted for his association with Mara, who by that point had become a notorious antimonarchist.

While she tried to keep this under wraps, Sanjari connected the dots together and informed the rest of the family that Sam had abandoned them for "that woman"; she has always been insistent on disavowing him due to the shame it brings their family

This effectively ruined her relationship with both Somatra and Dheivamani; Dheivamani has always rejected that Sam left them point blank and to this day believes he was spirited away essentially

After the truth was revealed, Somatra took a steep decline. She lived up until Sam took on his new identity as The Duke and died a few months later. Despite asking for him, Sanjari refused to let any of his siblings reach out to him, and Somatra passed without him knowing

I DONT THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS HAS FUCKED HIM UP SO SEVERELY AND WHY HE DOESNT TRUST ANY OF HIS SIBLINGS LMFAO

[marshmallow-bg3]

Past Life Dark Urge Asks - 2nd Edition

by @daemon-in-my-head

Did your Durge interact with others of their assigned race? How did it go, did anyone notice something was off? Did they try to blend in? As half-blood Roux never truly belonged to any distinct race. His cute pointy ears suggested at least part of him was elf, but what kind of elf - he had no clue up till meeting Sceleritas who reluctantly told him he was wood half-elf - but only very technically and totally unimportantly - because what truly mattered was Roux being the purest Bhaalspawn of all. He was raised by humans and interacted with plenty other half-elves and elves but in a big city all cultural and racial differences were smudged unless someone tried to make a point of it, but then it was them who seemed off.

The Urge itself was Bhaal’s greatest gift, a testament to their lineage. But did they despise or delight in these violent urges, did it maybe even scare them? Answered here

Bhaal can control his chosen and force the Slayer or actions upon them; did he ever force your Durge to do something against their will or would they obediently follow? Answered here

Durge has an inherent skill for anything medicine; what was their greatest skill? Sewing, caring for wounds, brewing potions or concocting poisons? Blood flow is his thing. He's as good at staunching the most dangerous bleeding as he is at making people bleed out in record time. All those vivisections weren't for nothing.

The Deathstalker Cloak is part of their inheritance, but did they really use it or did it bide it’s time wasting away in a wardrobe? It has always been one of Roux's favorite Bhaalist items. Orin took it along with his dagger after she attacked him in the colony, but she never had much use for it thanks to shapeshifting, so Sceleritas had no trouble snatching it to return to his true Master. The butler hoped it would help him regain his memories sooner.

Durges adoptive family lived in a house in the lower city. Does that house still stand? Did they claim ownership of it, or did they try to get rid of it? Why? The one in the lower city belonged to the family he hated, so he left as soon as he got rid of them and never looked back. If the house is still standing it was probably claimed by someone else. Roux doesn't care either way. The house he truly considered home is in the upper city and still occupied by his last foster parents. Roux avoids that area, nothing good would come of it if someone from his good bloodless past recognized him.

Bane once sacrificed all of Bhaals assassins, a mistake that caused a great rift between them. Did Durge ever plan to get revenge for it? This one is a bit too lore-heavy? I have no idea what it is about and failed to quickly find answers, so I'm gonna skip :(

Being the head of a temple comes with lots of tedious work, did they truly manage all of it or did they try to outsource the best they could? Roux is incompatible with anything tedious in general. Most of the temple management was done by Sarevok (through Orin) and Sceleritas who claimed he was acting on Roux's orders. In practice Roux had very little involvement in anything ever. He was there for the murdering.

The Feast of the Moon is a bhaalian ritual where priests told the stories of particularly interesting or unique kills. Was one of your Durges deeds ever discussed, or perhaps even turned into a beloved and often retold story? And once again Sceleritas - Roux's evil little PR agent - made sure his kills were sang in legends. Most of Roux's pre-tadpole reputation was actively and lovingly crafted by his master manipulator of a butler.

Speaking off, Day’s Farewell was another ritual everyone of the clergy had to attend as evening dawned over Faerûn. But was it really everyone that came to the gathering, or did a particular Bhaalist sneak out at times or outright refuse attendance? Did they maybe even appear early, eagerly awaiting another service? When he had just joined the Temple it was a novelty, he was a novelty, Roux was trying to truly fit in, he was getting the attention and adoration from these gatherings so he enjoyed it a lot. Later when both his enthusiasm and the genuine interest in him had waned, he started delegating it to Orin along with other ceremonial activities.

[shdwtouch]

❤️ How does the love in your heart affect how you RP? Any other notable emotions? 🪽 In what way is tumblr better than real life for you? Different from your personal dash, if you have one? 🧤 Name the last need that you Had to take care of before rping!! Anything that made you leave dash, or before turning on the computer, etc.!!!!

Mun Communication Preferences || accepting !

❤️ How does the love in your heart affect how you RP? Any other notable emotions?

I don't know, it just does XD I try so hard to put everything I have into rp. my love and passion and creativity. and I feel like it works, its effective ! even if I am consistently something of a perfectionist / nitpicker. honestly I just. I can't do anything unless I have love in my heart for it. I think its the autism / adhd tbh. idk maybe its not love ? but I have to have some kind of attachment, otherwise I'm just. pure apathy, zero inspiration or motivation, no drive, no desire.

and, in general, if there's no love in what I do then I don't like it and I don't accept it, you can throw the whole damn thing away lmao love is just synonymous with effort to me. idk, maybe that's wrong ? like I know not everyone feels that way. but its how I feel most of the time ! I truly believe in the "love in every stitch" state of mind. its how I approach life, its how I approach roleplay, its how I approach socializing. maybe that's a bit naive ? but idk I do the best that I can

also, I feel like it goes without saying but, working through trauma, representing personal experiences, and the essence of living vicariously through my muses also heavily contribute to how I rp in general XD

🪽 In what way is tumblr better than real life for you? Different from your personal dash, if you have one?

uhhhhhh. I have friends / people who tolerate me here ? uwu; tumblr rp is like... 80% of my social interaction (jeez puffin, get a life) ? but I'm also bad at estimating. idk tumblr is just my escape and where I feel like people get me ? like I feel so stifled in real life by my family, all I have is my online presence as like. a true identity. but beyond the couple friends I have from playing video games... I don't really have a... social group ? peer group ? I know that's kinda sad and chronically online but. its true. and I've never really had other social options, unfortunately.

and its... tumblr isn't that far from my real life. my real life consists of school and family and various flavors of stress. when I say I don't really have a life outside of tumblr... I mean it. I know it's sad, but its true.

I know. even I can admit it, I'm... kind of pitiful tbh

🧤 Name the last need that you Had to take care of before rping!! Anything that made you leave dash, or before turning on the computer, etc.!!!!

sleep ! sleep is very important to me, very near and dear. but mostly its just... anxiety. that's what keeps me away from the dash most of the time. I have to grapple with it, soothe it, try to distract myself from it. and... lately ? I don't succeed in taking care of it before roleplaying, so I don't roleplay much (if no one has noticed lmao). like I guess, in whole, the need I have to cater to the most, and that actively prevents me from writing, is my energy levels lmao. so I sleep, or try to distract myself.

[a-lonely-womans-dreams]

I finally have an office job (a dream come true, don't judge me) and I just went through my closet with my mother, picking out the clothes which could be considered business casual.

I've out on a bit of weight in the last couple years and while I don't want to buy an entirely new wardrobe, I personally don't otherwise care. In fact, I love my new curves - I feel feminine and soft and pretty, and I look like my mum. If I had the spare bandwidth, I would be a lot more active, and I might lose that weight and fit into some of my old clothes that I love too much to get rid of. As it stands, I don't have the spare bandwidth, and the weight gain isn't negatively affecting my health or anything other than not fitting some of my clothes, so I'm just not worried about it.

My mother, though, obsesses over her weight. I think she is the most beautiful creature on this planet, but she feels gross and sees her curves as negative, and hates herself for being unable to fit into some of her clothes. She works a million hours a week, is dealing with a highly restrictive injury, and trying to support her father caring for her mother with dementia. Still, she berates herself for not exercising enough, not eating right, all these things. Did she feel better when she was active, eating fewer processed foods, and however many pounds lighter? Yeah. But she was also working less, uninjured, and her mother didn't require the same degree of care. The weight probably isn't the cause of the change in how she feels.

Her worries and shame of herself are so easily passed onto me. I try on a shirt and she says "that's too tight for your belly" and I try pants and she says "those are okay if you have a long enough shirt to cover the waistline" and I want to ask her "is this how you see yourself? Too much, something to be hidden?" I try to barricade against the generational shame with my determined kindness for myself - my skin is soft and warm to the touch, my belly holds my organs safely, I give excellent hugs. Still, I wonder, is this how she sees me? Destined for her same unhappiness, angry and disgusted at an inability to make a change?

I want to tell her that we have enough hardships in our life without worrying about weight that isn't really hurting us. I want to tell her that I have enough to deal with without hating my body, without sitting and staring into the mirror and picking out the imperfections. Does she think it would be better if I did? Does she think that could actually lead to happiness or increased health? She seems disapproving when I'm comfortable in my own body. But it's a deliberate choice of made, and I am not going to change it.

I want to tell her that we have the bodies the Ancient Greeks made statues of. We are capable of carrying life, she has carried life, and our bodies show it. My curves show I'm healthy enough to be eating foods I love. I want to tell her that she hurts me too when she is so unkind to herself.

I wonder, though: would she hear me?