#that it would make other no-contact paras like me feel safer

[mogai-sunflowers]

as someone who also has an anti-contact paraphilia, but isn't open at all about it, I rlly appreciate being able to see and know you support us. thank you. people don't realize how much it can fuck someone up to absolutely hate and despise all paraphiles, even if they're no-contact.

💕💕💕

[cieloxcnco]

una y otra vez - part 5 (richard)

parte cinco part one / part two / part three / part four

Words: 6,300+

Warnings: pretty much all smut and angst. modeled after a period of time with my on-and-off ex who everyone hates, so you might hate my fictional Richard after this.. PLEASE NOTE that this part has some sensitive elements that might be uncomfortable. I don’t want to give spoilers, but just please proceed with caution.

A/N: so i thought part 4 kind of made things full circle. some people told me they didn’t feel it was a real ending and wanted to know what happened next. so this is one of the last interactions I had with my ex, modeled into our favorite Dominican. I apologize for how dizzy this might make you. I know it definitely did the same to me, then and now.

I was never going to be here again.                I shouldn’t be here.                                                           I’m always the one waiting.                                                           I’m sure it makes me look desperate.                                                                          Am I?                                                                          Absolutely.

All of this is a secret Everyone knows about my him and never wanted me to see him again                           So I was making them proud by pretending that I was better off without him. But I’m sitting here waiting for him.                                                        Again.

I lied to everyone about where I had to go I lied to my friends and said I was seeing family I lied to my family and said I was seeing friends I lied to myself and said this would be the best thing for me                                                             closure With something that had cut this deep, is there such a thing?                                                                                                 Doubt it.

It’s been three years since I had last been next to him I was clean and sober from his touch for three fucking years.                                                                 three                                                                          fucking                                                                                       years.

And of course, that wasn’t my decision                         He fell into one of those spells where he put all his energy into her                                     instead of me                                                            and he always came back to me                                                                        always                                                             but this time he didn’t.

maybe too much hadn't been said that had needed to be maybe their marriage strengthened and he lost interest in the silly girl that couldn’t let him go maybe he’d forgotten about me maybe I’d drowned in my own sorrow at some point and this was what death in limbo felt like

But I am about to relapse      I am waiting for it      It was going to thrill      It was going to hurt                                            but I want it so much that I don’t care about the consequences

But this was going to heal my heart                                                          At least that was the plan on the surface. But with him, nothing ever went according to plan                      this wasn’t going to be different.

Life had gone on                            I couldn’t stop it                            I wanted to                                               not put and end to it but                                               just pause it and hit resume when it got better Sometimes end it. That might have been easier.                                                                  better than being haunted by the what ifs what if we’d had our baby                           our life together                   gotten married            everything had just been different

He was an ever present character in my nightmares and my daydreams He was trapped in my mind Or was I trapped in his control

Our baby was my secret                       my burden alone                weighed on my every decision and thought Awake or asleep, I only thought about our baby and how life would have been different He and I had gotten back into bed our fair share of times after I lost the baby                                                       But I began turning in on myself               angry at the one person I never imagined I could be He wouldn’t have been there if I’d had the baby                             He’d made me promise                                                                      Bullshit. You both made a baby.                                                                      And he wouldn’t have fucking cared.                                                                      He didn’t deserve to know. My friends would have given up on me                  unable to continue to play the same broken record My family would have turned on me                 unable to support the mistake that came from him                                                                 like everyone said would happen

Everyone would be more disappointed in me than I already was in myself

so it was quiet no grieving no ache no outward showing of the pain                           when the pain was all I ever felt I was used to wearing a mask of a smile when I was with him                                        Now it was just all the time

No one would understand this feeling but me No one would know what it was like to lose the life you’d planned out perfectly No one would empathize with the sudden vacancy your heart felt                                         over something you never even held in your arms

So I carried it alone                                because no one would get it                                                           especially not him

In the time I’ve been away from him I’ve become a shell of a person empty without him our family our life like we’d imagined

Then he messaged me A normal Wednesday as if no time had passed at all. Hey. No. Nonononono. I was over you. I was trying to be. You can't suck me in again. I was almost free. And I’m practically a puddle at your feet again. Knowing you’re reaching out               that you must want contact                                               I'm weak. But that’s it? Hey?        That’s all you can come up with after all this time?      I struggled against the urge to immediately answer and gave him more opportunity to elaborate                        but the what ifs come out to play                                    what if he’s just seeing if you’ll still speak to him                                    what if he won’t say anything more until you do                                    what if this is about to change everything                        but you’re about to fuck it up by being proud and stubborn? Hey.

I miss you. I knew he’d come back to this. Immediately with just one initial word that it would come back to this.

Every possible response tapped into the keyboard                                        I miss you too.                                        Go to hell.                                        Why are you doing this?                                        You’re an asshole.                                        I wish I could hate you.                                                                                I think about you all the time.                                                           ��                    I fucking wish I could hate you.                                        You still miss me? You haven’t showed it.                                        Why should I miss you when you’ve broken my heart so many times? before deleting each one and saying nothing.

And for once, I didn’t need to continue the conversation He carried it I know I’ve hurt you           but I can’t get you off my mind.                                Can we meet to talk?

I scoffed and all the overthinking I had done for my last almost-answer went out the window Talk? We never talk.                                  I know what talking means, Richard.

After hitting send I immediately regretted being so sharp         He’d be upset and he wouldn’t try to reconnect                       Did I want him to? He doesn’t deserve it. I didn’t care. I missed him too much to care.

And then his reply.                               I know. But I mean it this time.      I really miss you                                   and there’s a lot we need to talk about. Please.             Public. No pressure about us being alone and being physical. You feel uncomfortable, you leave. But please give us the chance to talk.

Public? I scoffed. Are you sure that would be smart?

It’ll be safer for both of us. Alone there’s always temptation. But this isn’t about what we always do. This is about clearing the air.

This would let go of all the hurt                                          ache                                          pain                                          tension

It would be the period at the end of a run on sentence It would be the end we needed. It would bring me peace.

And that convinced me enough to type in two letters I had sworn I never would again.

O K

That was last week                                And here I am, alone at a food court table                                                         in an outlet mall halfway between both our homes                                compromise                                                         with my back to the door

He said he would meet me now             Will he really be here any moment                                  or almost an hour late as always?

I hear a Camila song over the speakers like the radio knows what I’m feeling It’s amazing that you relate to lyrics better when you’re hurting

Tú llegaste a mi vida para enseñarme, Tú supiste encenderme y luego apagarme, Tú, te hiciste indispensable para mi

I don’t want to see when he comes in           I’m shaking with the possibilities in my mind. The what ifs are too much and too many to process

What do I tell him What do I keep to myself What if he wants to try us again What if he tries to reel me back in What if he wants to apologize            but then let me go Will this hurt worse Will this solve anything Will going back to this after so many years clean from him Is this like an addict relapsing How am I crawling back to him like a lovesick puppy Wasn’t I stronger than this Wasn’t I supposed to let my past stay behind me What if overthinking this kills me before he even gets here

I check my watch every other question                             as if the time will have gone by faster                             when it only crawls by I keep listening lowly                             hearing the doors swing open                             alert for approaching footsteps but nothing yet

still anxious breaths

Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte           Busca tu camino en otra parte Mientras busco el tiempo que perdí               Y hoy estoy mejor sin ti. I try to ingest the idea through the melody and absorb the strength

The door creaks open                I almost feel his presence                                     on the breeze that blows inside

I know he’s here                   finally here I can feel him behind me                       watching me from the entrance I busy myself on my phone   refuse to let him know that I’m so easily at his feet anymore                                       I’ve barely inhaled his cologne and I know I’m going to regret this The adrenaline rushing through me at the thought of his smile is worth it

Hey, he chuckles from behind me                             not realizing what such a simplistic word has done to the pit of my stomach.         I nod lowly and attempt a smile.         My eyes are fixated on the table.         I can’t speak yet.                              I’m glad you came, he whispers.         I still don’t know what to say so I look down as he sets his hands on the table and sits.

How’ve you been? he asks, tapping his fingertips against the tabletop.                               He doesn’t care.                                                           Remember he doesn’t care.                               He’s asking about you and how you were without him.                                                           Of course he cares.                               It’ll protect you from getting hurt again.                                                           He loves you. Don’t be a bitch.

Okay, I shrug. I don’t know what else to say.                        I’ve been awful                        I’ve been backwards and upside down.                        I’ve been on the edge of a cliff and come back                                                  all from memories and thoughts of me with you.                        How can you wonder how I’ve been?                    If what we had was real                                                           how can you possibly think I’ve been anything but shattered?

You look good, he whispers.                         Are we really going to be those people right now?                         So much time has passed it has to be ‘you look good’.                         Or maybe he meant it that he’s already admiring my body                         And he’s only back for one thing                                                              that I would so willingly give him just to have him that close again                                                              even for just a moment my heart and my skin want him so much closer               but my mind wants nothing more than to watch him go back out that door                                                                                                 leave

He can sense my hesitation. Are you okay?                                              Stupid question                                              Stupid fucking question                                                                                      are you kidding? I won’t say it aloud but                                    No. The last thing I am when it comes to you is ‘okay’. But he sighs. I know you’re not.                     I know why you came here.                     And I want to make this right. A man who is so sincerely trying           who knows me           who cares about my feelings           has to love me. He has to.                                          had to?                                          has to.

I’m glad you wanted to talk, he continues.            I feel like we never got the ending we deserved.                                                       Ending? That’s because I don’t know how to end us.                                     How do you end everything you’ve ever dreamed?                                     How do you let the addiction go when it feels so fucking good                                                                                         when you know you’ll be useless without a fix

    I don’t know what I’m going to say                                                            but I look up.

Mistake.              His chocolate eyes catch mine and I’m breathless His fingers are flexing up and down against the tabletop                                    the way they used to raise as they traced over my hips His knuckles are graced with more ink since the last time my hands were in his              Those tattoos are like a map home                                     guiding me back to where I belong                                                                 in his arms

Fool, stop thinking that’s where you should be         you’re here to end it for good                            to get better beyond him My confident demeanor from the way over is gone                            I’ll never get beyond him                                           but here’s to trying

I’ve been doing nothing but thinking of you, he murmurs. He is probably lying         telling me all my heart needs to hear      could be telling the truth

Going through all this with her, he continues,                                                 made me think about all you and I had. Rumors had reached me about his separation from the bitch               and I guess this confirmed them               but this also could be his ticket to sex if she’s not giving it to him. I’m always the back-up plan. Always.                   But We were so good together               and I gave it up for something I felt was better at the time      but it was us, baby. It was always us.

I don’t realize I’ve been holding my breath until my head starts hurting my chest was already so tight with anxiety that I hadn’t felt the lack of air

But my words come out vicious in an attempt to not seem as fragile as I feel. I wasn’t enough. You scarred me for years                          because I always thought I wasn’t enough.                          Nothing about me was enough for you.

You were more than enough, baby, he insists. Baby.          I close my eyes and shudder I just didn’t see it        didn’t appreciate it when I had the chance I hate that it’s too late now. That numb feeling in my chest is gone                              replaced with the sharp sting from his words.                       too late                       too late

I’m being selfish, he admits.                            I’m worried about saying how I’ve been feeling                            But I just                                  I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you                                                  Loved. Past tense.                            But I’ve also never hurt anyone the way I’ve hurt you                                         And I want to tell you how sorry I am

W- What?

They say when it's too good to be true                                                             it probably is                but this is everything I’ve always needed to hear                how                                                             he can’t really mean it but his eyes       he does       he means every word       his heart is hurting       maybe as much as mine is                                                             no, that's impossible. He had other women                                                                                                who weren't YOU                                                                                                in his arms every night to make it better                                                             he can’t be hurting                                                             he doesn’t know what hurt is.                                                             He’ll never know how he hurt me But he wants to                                Am I legitimately arguing with myself                                is this what a split personality feels like                                has he made me so psychotic that     ��                          I’ve just lost my mind completely?

And I don’t realize I’ve said it out loud What?

You only ever wanted to do everything to be with me                                   to make it work                                                                                     and I took it for granted. It took me a while to look back on it and realize                                                         you were everything I needed                                                 and I used you

He cant really be saying this.              I have to be dreaming                                  hallucinating I’ve been alone in these thoughts                          for                               ten                                     years He can pretend to know how this hurts                          but it’s sympathy                                      not empathy

Years, I finally seethe.           It took you how many years to figure that out?

He gnaws on his lip                 Baby       my nerves stand on end at the endearment                 I’ve never seen you this upset                 And I know you’re hurt                 But can we try to just talk gently to get through this?

I inhale deeply and sigh it out to try and comply

His fingers dance idly on the brim of his fitted cap If this is the last time we’re going to see each other and we’re going to try to move on we need to be civil and get on the same page.

I swallow the lump in my throat                I knew what the intention was                I had tried to idealize the same thought                                 but it hurts to hear it We were never good with the things we intended We intended to just try to be friends and wound up tangled in each other’s arms We intended to just go out for a drink and wound up naked in his bed We intended to let go for good and wound up seeing each other again

But this was finality This would be the end This was it

It can't just be that you didn’t see it, I continue I gave you literally everything of me But it was never enough to be what you wanted

I tried to change              fix what wasn’t perfect So you’d want me. You always told me you loved me                              but you didn’t want me so there had to be something wrong with me.

You used me                      for comfort                      for convenience                      for sex whenever and however you wanted it and I upended my life to make you happy and it wasn’t enough.                                        Why?

There is silence enough for me to know                          that there is no reason                                              no solid answer                                              no explanation as to why                             and this is not going to be the closing of a chapter.                                    this will only be a cliffhanger with unanswered questions

I’m sorry.               I was selfish.               I am selfish.               I knew you’d always be there                          and would give me whatever I wanted          so I took that plus some from anyone else

But I couldn’t stay away from you      No matter how much I tried to stay away from you                                                      stop taking advantage I couldn’t let you go                                I can’t ever let you go                                          I don’t know what it is

I try to stop my eyes from scrolling up the length of the pictures inked into his arms           concentrate on my breathing I miss him holding me                                    Breathing in. I want to cry                                    Holding it in. Will this make him change?              Can he fix the so we could make this work?                                    Breathing out.

I shouldn’t be saying half of this, he muses pitifully to himself.                 It’s not reasoning.                 It’s excusing.  Nothing can excuse the way I’ve treated you.

He nearly stammers as he tries to speak again                                 I’ve never seen him so unnerved.                                 I’m kind of empowered by it. For once, I’m not the one made weak by us being in the presence of the other. I’m sorry. You never deserved all I’ve put you through. You stayed there while I went from woman to woman                   when all you wanted was to love me. I’m so sorry.

The words start pouring out along with my heavy exhale. I was so angry I was sad at first                        but realizing you had this whole other life                                                                                     lie                                             that didn’t include me, I hated you                  I tried to at least                 I couldn't forever but for a long time I tried so hard to hate you                 So I couldn’t tell you.

I refuse to look up and meet his eyes but I know his expression has faltered Tell me what?

I bite my lip, hesitating                                     I hadn’t meant for that part to escape me                    but this is it                          this is the last time                          this is getting everything off my chest                                    clearing my conscience                     but the promise you made                           you told him you’d handle it if you got pregnant                           you’d do it alone                     maybe he’ll be happy you listened and you’ll be enough for him now                     maybe he’ll actually care and you won’t feel so sad all alone                     maybe he won’t care at all and the pain of that will be worse than any of this

The last time we were together                      you went back to her                                              and I didn’t want to tell you It fucking killed me but I didn’t tell you And my words trail off again into silence How do I form that sort of suffering into mere syllables

Babe, tell me what?           I shiver. Babe?                                    Meant with our basic familiarity, sure.                                    But such proximity implied that it set me alight                                    when I still didn’t know if I wanted to burn for him.

I was pregnant. I didn’t watch his face but I heard his jaw fall slack I wasn’t even into my second trimester and I lost the baby.

his knuckles go white as he grips his hands together tight and all I can do is memorize the designed lines on his hands                             remember how good their grasp felt on my waist                             holding my hand tight                             caressing my face                             tossing my hand away to avoid suspicion                             brushing me away so I wouldn't be seen touching him how am I still aching for the fix of that contact when it was always so fragile and fleeting? but the times when he did was so                             GOD                             I want it                             I miss it                             How am I going to live without it? I’m better off emotionally                             but can I really survive without being next to him?                             The last few years were impossible                             I wanted to forget him                             but he was all that I had in my mind every day                             This was all I knew                             all that would ever have me                             all that I could ever love and love me in return

I’d had it all in my hands and it slipped away in an instant

On purpose? he whispers

And all the fantasy of him loving me again goes out the window. I want to rip him in half.                    Of course not                    All I wanted was that baby                    I couldn’t have you, I wanted a family                    I was at work and I just miscarried. I don’t know. I feel my face tighten in fury                    How could you ever think-

I’m sorry, he interrupts.                I thought for a moment if you were that angry                                that you could have ended it just to spite me

I can’t answer           I can understand his thought He just doesn’t know how wrong he is                                  how I would have given anything                                                                         everything                                                                         to make that dream real And the tears just fall from my eyes.

He reaches for my hands across the table. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.                   I know I said that a baby would have been impossible But with you, I would have been there                                                   involved Don’t cry, amor, he begs. at the sound or the idea             of amor, I break down further.

He’s quiet for far too long The only sound I make are my shallow sobs He rubs circles against the back of my hand with his thumb                         to soothe me                                               but it chills me.

Was it ever really love, I gasp.            It was for me, but was it for you?

The lack of an immediate yes almost says everything but do you know how much trust you have to have in someone to fall back into their arms every time someone does you wrong?

His words escape him slowly and I wonder if he’s struggling due to pain                            or calculating what to say to win me. I’ve felt more for you than I’ve ever felt for anyone                      but I’ve also never hurt anyone more than I’ve hurt you

I can’t take that back           but I can tell you what I feel                   and tell you I’m sorry I just want you to be happy         I’ve never been good enough for you          I’m never going to be good enough for you So I want to help you end this in a way that you can move on

Yes, you’ve always been more emotionally attached than I was We know I’m not great with feelings               That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you               That doesn’t mean I don’t love you I just know we can’t be together I want better for you I want you to have what you deserve I’m just sorry that it cant be us together.

Then do you regret us ever being together at all? I say it before I could think  wish my mouth could swallow the words back

He studies the lines in my knuckles                  how white they’ve gone in my clammy grip. I’m ready to tell him to forget I mentioned it. But. Just because we didn’t work out       doesn’t mean you’re not the best thing                                                             that has ever happened to me. You made me better.                                  But I broke you down. I just want you to grow beyond this  because you deserve more than what I did to you.

No words are left     Nothing is left This was supposed to soothe the wound                                                but it’s reopened it and poured salt in

Now that we’ve talked about it                                   do you feel better? The question sounds like the best of intentions                                  but I can tell he seeks relief                                  of the pressure of responsibility.

I’d been so strong             so vocal             so determined                              and I crumble                              and I instinctively lie. Yeah, definitely.

I just need him to hold me again                             kiss me like he means it                             pull me against him                             enclose my hand in his                             tell me he does love me                                         instead of delicately choosing is words

I don’t know how ill he must have made me                               to have me want to tear myself apart inside                               but also have him make love to me                                                            one last time.

Drained from the tears and emotions that flowed from me I had to clean up Let me go to the bathroom, I whisper                 a nervous smile probably seeming too genuine He nods with a mirrored grin and watches me walk away               the only bathroom available a handicapped family restroom                        a large room designed for space with strollers and wheelchairs but                                              brought so much more to mind But no. He said no. We can’t. It’s done. I shut the door. Not pressing in the button to lock. Maybe subconsciously on purpose.

My head is in the sink                                    splashing the water flow into my face               and all of a sudden he’s behind me. I don’t know why you put so much effort into trying to be beautiful, he whispers                           You’re already perfect.

I laugh at his obvious lie because            I’m a mess.

It took no more than a fraction of a breath for him to be against me           his hands on my hips           pulling me against him If I had started to let this go, it's all over now.                      I’m gone.                      I need this.

You’re not a mess                 You’re perfect                                        in every way I’m just sorry it took me this long to realize it,                                                                    what I’ll be missing out on.                     And now what?

Now what                 Now what The thought is racing around in my mind                  Now?                             It’s done There’s no ‘Now what’ like anything could lead to more                   but he’s touching me

And he’s kissing the side of my neck        my head is lolling to the opposite side        the bumps under my skin are rising to the surface And I have to be dreaming                           but you don’t feel fire like this in your dreams

Baby, I hiss, my hands flying back to clutch his wrists for support           He nips at my skin and I know that’s a sign to shut up           I roll my body into the feeling What else could I say?                 My thoughts are racing too fast for me to catch them                                      And all I want is to scream out for him                                                                                  in warning                                                                                  in pleasure                                                                                  in protest                                                                                  in excitement

this   is     wrong

you just let go you talked it out you let it all out of your system this is supposed to be the end

but how fitting for us                       to have one more raunchy, hidden fuck                                                    before it was all over

I don’t want to be without you           So give me one last memory of how good it feels                                                          to be inside you

My mind flashes to the movie I’d watched with friends the week before                                Leonardo DiCaprio as the Wolf of Wall Street               and right before his wife says she’s done with him for good                                         she tells him to fuck her like it was the last time                                                              to give it to her like he’d never get to again

And the thought crosses my mind                           to try to maintain whatever upper hand i thought I had

I don’t have her willpower or strength that she did                                         to force the ending I miss him too much to push him away I still need as much of him as he will allow me

He’s not allowing much        flipping our hands quickly so he’s gripping my wrists        taking both in the large grip of one palm and works at the button of my jeans with another

I’d worn them on purpose                      No easy access He had said public for safety and to avoid this possibility                               but I knew our repertoire far too well to fully believe it So I got dressed this morning thinking this was best                                                              that if something like this happened                                                                     it would take concerted effort to undo                                                       and I could think it through before making this mistake

there’s no thinking happening                 like when something passes by so quickly you can’t even see it ideas racing so fast I can’t grasp onto any                     but his lips are now kissing up my spine as he’s pushing up my shirt                    and my pants are around my knees                    and he’s rubbing the head of his dick over the damp patch of my panties So wet for me, mama, he groans. Como siempre. Lo nuestro se esta acabando                                               pero siempre te pensarás en mi. No me crees pero te quiero tanto                             te amo tanto

I need it to drag out                                 I need this to last But now he’s already just moving my underwear to the side               and sliding the tip of his cock over my folds but avoiding my clit tells me that this is going to be over as quickly as it began Daddy dámelo, I hiss, knowing that will bring him to the edge                                                               make this rougher                                                               drive him closer to losing his mind                                                               give me the intensity I'm anticipating

But I’m wrong       He crouches down behind me       His tongue touches my clit and I’m reaching for any bit of the faucet for stability            Oh God, Daddy, I nearly scream                                       biting my lip                                       grinding my hips against his face                                       more                                       more                             i want more                               need more

Taste so good, baby          so fucking good, mama His tongue toys with me and I’m trying to keep my balance                                              I bite into my arm to keep from yelling                                       and all of a sudden I’m vacant                                       and he’s standing                                       and the tip of his cock is tracing where his tongue just was

Gonna fuck you so good, mamita, he breathes out, you're going to think of nothing but me for weeks You want this to be done but                       you wouldn’t be this desperate for my dick                                                                         if you were ready to let this go

And for once I just want him to shut the fuck up                                                  do what I thought we shouldn’t                                                         but we still both clearly wanted

Ri    chard,              I plead, trying to move my hands to pull him close,                           but his grip on my wrists behind my back is unrelenting. I’m nearly crying in desperation and want

This is it and I don’t know how to take one last taste and give it up               but he’s finally inside and I almost scream                                                  before I remember where we are

in public you know, what was supposed to prevent this

you just spent this entire time trying to fool yourself you wanted this you needed this you were aching for him to bend you over and fuck you                                       dirty fucking slut you don’t know how to love a man unless you let him dick you down                                       what a whore

there’s no pause between him slamming into me from behind                                                 pulling out from inside me                                                 laying me down on the dirty tile floor                                                 stepping between my legs                                                 with my pants and shoes still binding my ankles together                                                 and him crouching down to get on top of me                                                 my heels at the base of his back and he’s thrusting in on top of me,               leaning down and kissing me and it’s never this intimate it’s fast and rushed and down to it             never really kissing me                          and taking the time to connect and maybe he's trying to hold on just like i am

and fuck               this was all so spur of the moment               he didn’t put on protection I could be set to go down the same road                       creating life and living without him but I’m not going to stop him      I can’t risk this stopping here and letting go

te amo, he grunts             te amo te amo                         lo siento              te amo

and for a flash of a second I believe him                                             want to believe him but my body knows better as I scratch my nails across his shoulders        let his next ‘her’ see this

Loving and being sorry don’t fuck like this You fuck like this when you want to get off.                             when you only care about the sensation of your body                                                               and not the person you’re riding

But it’s over       we just said it was over       why lie? what would he get out of lying at this point?       he’s getting what he wants, he doesn’t have to say it

just because the players are tiring of the length of the game                                                       doesn’t mean it’s come to an end

I’m going to find myself in this position in another six months                                      wanting to be rid of how toxic his touch is to me                                                    but needing that drug to feel alive                                                                                           be alive

He tilts his hips and hits a different spot                         and I’m close to screaming again nothing is ever going to feel this good nothing is ever going to set me alight like this nothing is ever going to complete me like he does

and I don’t realize I’m moaning words aloud                                                  te amo, papi                                                  te amo tanto                              until he smiles against my neck

Asi es, amorcita           You’re so fucking wet baby God, I’m never gonna get over how good you are.        I’m fucking you so goddamn good your thighs are shaking You gonna cum for me, mamita?

He never cares about that first          He cares about him Does that mean                           he’s come to care about me that way? That heightens me enough to make me explode right then

Si, si si si And I climax around him, clutching him to my body tight        he pumps into me a few more times before he follows suit And the high only lasts for a moment                     before the realization washes over me

It’s done.

We can lay here together                   on the filthy linoleum hoping it’s not real            or maybe that’s still just me but it’s done and i’m going to leave this room                                    this building                                    and let him go

You’re a fucking idiot.                                   You gave in.                                   You gave him what he wanted. This isn't the end, this is it starting up again.                              You'll be in his bed again next week.

what if he tells me he wants me now what if this isn’t over i was so strong willed when this began                                   that I wasn’t going to let him back in. Now that he’s back inside I can’t shut him back out

Knock Knock Knock Someone outside.                 Public.                                Shit.

He and I almost trip over each trying to fix our clothes. Two people rushing out haphazardly                   clothes askew                   hair disheveled this isn’t going to look conspicuous at all.

I examine myself in the mirror above the sink                            eyeliner is running down my cheeks                            my hair is a tangled mess                            my cheeks and neck are flushed red                            my lips are swollen and red from his attention

And the messiest of all is how I’m now feeling

He leads me out of the room holding my hand                                               trailing behind him                                               adjusting my crossbody bag                                               rushing out the door

And he pulls me outside            lets the glass double doors swing closed            pushes me against the wall

And we’re laughing at the rush       his forehead is pressed against mine but the chuckles subside      and            then                    it’s                         just                                                                     quiet.

We can’t say I’ll miss you We can’t say I love you We can’t say anything      We don’t know where this is going to go

Or maybe I was pretending                 so it wouldn’t hurt as much.

He gulps. Where’s your car?

And we walk to it                            silent and I don’t know what to do until he holds my hands in his my back to the drivers’ side door.

It was always us, mama. I hope you can forgive me. It’s already done. I don’t need to say it. Anything he wants from me is always done instantly.

And he presses his lips to mine       and holds my cheek in his hand       and he says something else              but I’m too far away in my mind to hear it       and then he’s walking away                      like so many times before                      but this is different.

I don’t remember getting out my keys or opening the door or sitting down or turning the ignition or driving down a curved road where I’m now parked on the shoulder and sobbing until I’m almost sick

It’s said that overcoming an addiction is difficult      but you never truly overcome anything You may not practice the same habit You may not ingest the substance anymore You don't get the same high                                                                         But you still think about it Even years later                          at a low point you can remember how the drug raced through your veins and you know you want it                              need it can't live without it how have you been surviving this far? But then you can look in the mirror know it’s not healthy it’s bad for you it could kill you And though it's a daily struggle and it fucking hurts you’re better off without it

relapses happen sometimes with addiction               he and I still message each other every six months with an I miss you                              the other might even respond with a me too                                    but it never unfolds into more

and it feels like mourning over ashes       yearning for what once before it went up in flames and sitting by the pile left in its wake       sifting the remnants through your fingers       focused on the memories       hoping if you stare at it long enough that it’ll return to true form but there’s no bringing it back it’s over and gone and all that’s left to do is move on

again.

[meggannn]

@keelificent asked me about why i think earthborn!shepard would be wary of garrus in mass effect 1 and phew here i go *cracks knuckles*

obviously this is subject to everyone’s shepard, particularly paragon or para-leaning earthborn shepards, cause maybe interpretations of renegade shepards don’t give a fuck about this kind of thing. my eb shepard is kind of hardened but still (or tries to be) para-leaning, mostly come out of a self-driven desire to atone to make up for her frankly embarrassing past as a delinquent (in her own eyes).

so anyway. any gangster would obviously be wary of cops, even the ones who run mildly inoffensive crimes, like the lookouts, or participants in petty theft or vandilism. it sounds like space capitalism and classism are still huge in the me ‘verse (and i’m assuming racism is still kicking as well, even if most of the population is poc or mixed), so i don’t imagine humans will have solved their corruption problems by the 2170s. you don’t even have to be a felon or live on the streets to be wary of cops, but for a teenager in a gang, yeah, i imagine there’d be an instinctual urge to bolt at the first sign of a badge; bolt, or play the distractor/actor, the one stalling for time and pacifying while the others scram.

maybe earthborn shepard’s been arrested before, maybe not. but either way i don’t think they would’ve had to have been to develop an instinctual reaction to be wary of cops. and keeping in mind that this is still earth, it’s not just out of fear of being thrown in prison or a foster home -- but i imagine shepard is also well aware of the cops to avoid from rumors of police brutality and corruption. i don’t think that kind of wariness ever leaves someone after they grow up with it during formative years, considering their life relied on a) not getting caught, and if you can’t avoid that, then b) not getting caught by one of the bad ones.

fast-forward 11 years....... commander shepard walks to the top of the steps in the citadel tower. shepard is now a disciplined well-respected marine with a distinguished record. they fight to make the galaxy a safer place. they worked hard to be where they’re at. she meets a cop at the top of the steps. old habits can still die hard.

gonna just commit to using ‘she’ here to distinguish this is now my shepard’s reactions she meets a cop who introduces himself as the detective behind investigating the spectre-turned-possible-terrorist saren arterius. vakarian is polite and respectful, but frustrated. he’s got no evidence, no records, just working on instinct. he ‘feels it in his gut.’ shepards can have a lot of reactions to meeting garrus vakarian for the first time, but aside from the instinctual urge to be cautious of trusting a cop, mine mostly logs his presence away as a mental note to possibly contact later.

the next time she meets garrus vakarian, he uses her entrance as a distraction to take the first shot on a gang of thugs holding a witness hostage. it’s clear vakarian has now gone rogue to work the investigation on his own terms. you properly dispense the bad guys and he thanks you at the end. “perfect timing! gave me a clear shot at that bastard.” the fact that he made a pinpoint shot with a handgun and little time to prep is either exemplary skill, or complete luck. either way, it was still a dangerous move -- the bullet struck less than a hand’s breath from the witness’s skull.

so log him in her brain now as ‘skilled but reckless.’ not really the kind of qualities you want in a policeman. also: he has no problem playing judge, jury, and executioner. i mean yeah, she would’ve killed the thug too, cause he had a gun to the hostage’s skull and engaged them in a firefight, but again, vakarian made the first shot. (we, the audience, know that this random npc was dead anyway and garrus had the right of it, but shepard doesn’t know that when she walks into the room. maybe she could’ve interrogated them to find out more about their orders from the broker.)

so shepard can chew him out for risking the hostage’s life, and he says “there wasn’t time to think, i just reacted.” which imo is probably just sloppy writing, because you’d think think a turian policeman would have better discipline than that, though again, ymmv on how wide the gap is between turian and human socialization and discipline. (personally i feel it’s more in character to have planned out his moves during that waiting time before shepard enters and made a calculated shot, but still accepted the risk that he might hit dr michel nonetheless.)

michel talks about tali’zorah and fist, with officer vakarian filling in context and other details he found from his investigation. this guy is so antsy to lock saren down he’s practically vibrating. which is not a bad thing, because you want a policeman to be driven by a drive to put dangerous people behind bars. but again! reckless.

“this is your show, shepard. but i want to bring saren down as much as you do. i’m coming with you.” okay, vakarian, but i just MET you. what are your qualifications, or am i only bringing you on as an attaché for saren info? are you a good shot, or just lucky? can i count on you to reign in the excitement if civilian lives are at stake?

you can’t ask him any of this because bioware wasn’t thinking of these questions in 2007; you’re limited to “okay,” “hit the road josé,” and “why do you care so much, bro?” his response to the last two makes it pretty obvious that he’s driven by a sheer desire to see justice served: saren is a criminal. his actions have killed people, and his current freedom puts more lives at stake. and he’s getting away with it. also, “he’s a disgrace to my people.” if shepard has read her codex or talked to literally any turian for two seconds by now, she knows turians are a very proud, disciplined, and (theoretically) honorable people. that saren is a criminal and that he is using the system designed to help people to disguise his crimes, is eating vakarian alive.

at this point you could ask my earthborn shep “why take him at all if you don’t trust him to play by the rules?” the answer to that is

she believes in this moment that he is, at his core, genuinely driven by a desire to do good with his job, with casualties as an afterthought to the main goal. she still dislikes that attitude immensely, coming an earthborn background, it means she once was one of those ‘little people’ that police often disregarded in pursuing their targets, but she believes at least now that maybe she can get him to remember they’re not just chasing saren because he’s a Designated Bad Guy, they’re chasing him because his actions wiped out a colony and his plans clearly involve more bloodshed. in other words, it’s about protecting people, not winning against the bad guy, and she thinks he can be nudged back into that direction with appeals to his honor code, which he does seem to have.

if she says “no you can’t come,” she doesn’t put it past him not to leave c-sec and pursue saren on his own. maybe their paths would cross, maybe not, but she already has evidence he’s willing to go against orders, come armed to a clinic, and shoot up criminals without clearance from his boss. what if he decided to go chasing down saren on his own?

for however dangerous his move was, he does have good instincts. that ‘gut feeling’ was absolutely correct: he was right to come to the clinic, and was in the right place at the right time to make the shot. could’ve been luck, but just as likely could’ve been skill.

he’s a little aggressive and presumptuous, but still respectful of her and her command. turians are trained to defer to superiors, aren’t they? well, he did just defy orders to keep investigating, but that was because he knew saren was guilty and it was a bad call. honestly, she probably would’ve done the same thing. shit, okay, she just talked herself into saying yes.

and that was meeting two. i can’t help but think her opinion of garrus vakarian..... doesn’t really get much better until maybe the end of mass effect 1. i’m not gonna summarize every conversation they have in the cargo bay, but you probably remember the gist, and we know what me1!garrus is like: he’s eager to prove himself, constantly puts his foot in his mouth, is over the moon to work outside the law, and is kind of obviously projecting his spectre fantasy onto shepard. talks constantly about how he doesn’t see why the law should get in the way of doing what’s right.

okay, shepard can agree with that. she grew up in a literal sewer; she knows morality can (and if you’re para-leaning, should) be put above the law.

“and also!” garrus vakarian says, “also, these damn rules get in the way of doing my job. if my orders are to take in a suspect, why should it matter how i do it, so long as i do?”

“uh,” says shepard, thinking of the millions of corrupt cops back on earth who banged her head as they shoved her into the backseat of their car, pepper sprayed her friends -- not because she believes this of him, but because her mind jumps to the worst out of familiarity with seeing corruption from the bottom, and a fear that this is who he might become if she doesn’t handle this very, very carefully. vakarian seems to look up to her, for some unfathomable reason. he values what she has to say. she has to treat him respectfully, but she will make herself clear that collateral damage is not tolerated in her missions.

also, uh, it’d be stupid for her to ignore that compared to everyone else on board, this boy is like the most privileged one in galactic society. a turian cop (with a detective father well distinguished for his service) is already in a position of power over half of the ground team, but a turian who’s from the capital city of the turian home planet who lives at a station at the heart of the citadel with a badge and a lifetime of xenophobic microaggressions to learn to get over... like, no wonder tali and wrex weren’t fond of those elevator conversations, lmao.

i want to be clear, i don’t think my earthborn!shepard dislikes garrus in me1. she sees a lot of herself in him. they’re both disciplined but easily frustrated, driven by strong sense of duty and justice, don’t mind breaking a few eggs to get there -- imo a para-leaning earthborn!shepard has just seen more examples of what happens when higher ups cut corners. people like orphans suffer. people like who she was suffer. some of them don’t survive. so she tries to sort of.... nudge him into what she thinks is the right path without stomping all over his personality. i think she does value individuality and his opinions, more than blind obedience, so it is a dialogue, but she wants him to hear her. and when he tells her he’s going to reapply to spectre training and go back to c-sec in the meantime, and that he’s learned a lot, she’s genuinely glad to hear it.

anyway that’s my longass response to your prompt. i fully acknowledge this interpretation of garrus, even early-stage underdeveloped garrus (compared to me2/3), is probably an unpopular opinion, and possibly an uncomfortable one considering real-life parallels, so i apologize if i sound disrespectful. part of my attempts at broadening lore within this universe include addressing social differences that bioware mentions but drops the ball on (e.g., turians and asari having privilege over other races), so this is just like the result of some of those thoughts to bring a little sense of realism to this universe. and of course, ymmv with different types of earthborn shepards and how they would react to having a cop on board -- i’m not arguing this is is reflective of all, just how i see mine.

anyway it’s ok because they get much closer on the sr2. and after the war, things are good, until garrus offhandedly mentions his dad used to be deputy chief of one of the largest wards on the citadel, well known for gang and felon activity, and shepard closes her eyes, thinks of all of those ASBOs she racked up, knows with every fibre of her being that somewhere out in the galaxy castis vakarian has found out about their relationship and is scouring the extranet for her public history both after her enlistment and before, and while garrus continues talking unaware, she part of her dreads the day she does finally meet vakarian sr in person. buuuut that’s a story for another time.

[thisbrutalbelle]

self para mentioning @nuadxa, @ianncardero, @ephrampettaline and @monsterbyamile

        bella takes her visiting french witch friend to tir na nog to experience the town, the snobbish girl slowly starts to open her mind to the small town location while bellamy explains the beginning of a book needing to be translated and confesses her fear that miles is not speaking to her because she hurt him too badly with her affection unaware of who has actually hurt him.

tw: rape culture ( not exactly but close enough i figure i should tag, she just feels bad she upset miles by rejecting him )

        Alina Della Romana rested her long false nails against her cheek as she gazed over at her American friend. The two had spent the afternoon trying on dresses and playing with make-up until each was in something tight and flattering with glitter on their eyelids and expensive jewelry around their necks. Yet they were seated in a bar with people wearing jeans and t-shirts. Alina had expected the small town to be homely but she’d expected them to be homely in a heated European way where everyone wore sundresses with kitten heals or had their button down shirts open with loafers.

        “If you had brought your books to Monte Carlo we could be laying out on a balcony with glistening women of ample chests feeding us strawberries,” the witch pouted. Like Bella, Alina had grown up wealthy but unlike Bellamy she had lived boundless in her wealth. A fact that usually would have bothered the currently blonde Bellamy but did not with her friends in Monte Carlo. They did not act like they were anything but what they were. They didn’t try to pretend they were people filled with kindness who gave themselves over to the greater good. They were shamelessly honest and that worked for Bella.

         Bella who returned their pout with a scolding frown. “You’re a snob, a crude snob who is not being very appreciative of the fact I invited you to come and visit with me,” she told her back, the frown remaining. “Besides, this is my friend’s place and you’re focusing on the small town aspect not what she has created. You have to admit if we were in Monte Carlo there would also be an annoying level of people grinding up on us, making sexist comments or worse, and there would certainly not be as many people to actually talk to. Nuadia has made something special and you’re being very blind to what this town has to offer. Don’t cave to the stereotype of a French snob,” she accused.

        “I’m Italian in my blood,” the witch retorted but allowed her wall to crumble a little. Her companion was right, the place certainly felt safer than anywhere she would have gone in Europe and it had a look about it that was very enticing. It helped that even though there were jean clad women and men there were also exceedingly gorgeous drag queens, women and men dressed up much like them and creatures of every species wandering together freely. Where they had met everyone created their own groups and protected themselves within it. The idea she could speak to anyone in there and be safe was...a relief and an excitement.

       “I concede,” Alina stated and Bella’s frown removed itself easily. Alina’s own brows tightened as her eyes scanned the room for someone she could take home tonight and someone for the vampire as well. With everything going on in her life she had not had the time to speak to the French Italian witch about where she was with all that. The last Alina had spoken to her Bella had not even slept with the priest, she was still sleeping with her boy toy and the occasional other at bars. Bella knew the look though and her shoulders curled in to shield herself from eyes Alina might draw to them. “Are you going to help me though? I’ve agreed that your friend has done wonderfully but I can’t actually experience it’s wonder if you’re not going to join me in the evenings truest hunt.”

           “No, come on, refocus, witch bitch,” Bellamy said, grabbing her hand and pulling it off her face, each of their hands hitting the table. “We came out to have fun together, why do we need to go home with anyone?” Bella asked her with a shake of her head. Truth be told she just wasn’t ready to explain how she was not hunting for people to sleep with anymore. It wasn’t like she was embarrassed but she knew that Alina would try and convince her to do something stupid, whatever came to her sordid little mind.

         “Then maybe we should talk about these books,” Alina commented and Bella nodded in agreement. They were not translating them that night but that was because Bella knew it would be a big job. There were about twenty more journals picked up from the graveyard and Bellamy couldn’t understand more than half of what was in any of them. Occasionally her sire would write in English but all spells were in some weird kind of font she just didn’t understand and the rest was in European languages she did not know. That was why Alina was perfect for the job. Not only was she a witch but she was rather fluent in a lot of European languages.

         “Honestly I don’t know where to start, I told you in my email about the witch summoning Valentin and Iann and I finding those books but I sort of wanted to leave out the rest,” she admitted, feeling safe enough to speak on personal things in Tir Na Nog. Whatever she said might end up outside, sure, but no one there was there to be spiteful. “Iann suspects my illness may...prolong my sanity, Valentin was jumping from body to body to keep his but he got weaker. We think maybe he needed me for more than a weapon but for his own personal cure,” Bella said. In a movie the words would have been said in a hushed and serious tone. Bellamy said them like she was telling her friend about the rude check out person at the local supermarket. 

         “You could remain for more than five hundred years?” Alina asked, looking to her side, clearly more worried about being overheard since she did not know the place as well. “If that’s true and he thought you could keep him sane he could have sold you as more than a weapon, a personal cure could turn into a global one quickly Belle, he didn’t tell anyone, right? I mean, you were kidnapped and almost even more times?” she pressed, wrapping her arms around themselves. It was easy to lose ones ego when faced with the worry of a friend.

        “I don’t think so, if he did he likely knew he wasn’t strong enough to prevent me from being taken and, like I said, it’s just a theory. A theory you will hopefully be able to translate out,” Bella said back, watching as drinks were brought to their table but a handsome looking bartender with wood rimmed glasses. Each person who worked there Bella had seen at least once or twice so she smiled at him knowing she’d pay the tab on the way out. “Maybe you’ll even be able to help Iann and I. I know Iann was very interested in your metal magic, blood contains metal so,” she added with a shrug.

        Alina was actually fairly excited to meet this Iann. Only two names had remained in Bella’s vocabulary for as long as she had known her. Ephram and Iann. Ephram seemed the most basic of male witches and Alina honestly had no preference to meeting him or not but Iann? A human who had so easily cemented himself into a supernatural world? She wondered what kind of skills he had, what kind of thought process must he be working with, to have done so well. “I will definitely show Iann my skills but another night. Come on, you really don’t want to go and hit on some people to get away from this life or death drama?” she asked.

          Clearly Alina was going to keep pushing things so Bella would have to explain her celibacy, of sorts, and why she was so determined to keep it up. Eyeing Kit out of the corner of her eye Bellamy sighed, not because he was an unwanted sight but because she did not want her friends words to go back to Nuadia and hurt them. Nuadia was her closest of friends and telling Alina anything before them could seem not like a betrayed but like a distance, a distance that she did not want to create. Beyond that Bellamy had only told Nuadia of part of what had happened with Miles so far, certainly not what had happened since her birthday. The fact Miles had not contacted her since her birthday more importantly. She’d made sure he said he would see her in a few days. It had not been tremendously long but it had been more than that and Bella felt unsettled by it. Had her pushing him away really upset him that much? Bella was so very sure he had respected her feelings and understood even if she wanted him why she could not fall into that want.

         “I don’t...I haven’t been doing that lately,” she admitted to Alina. “I have the man I told you Teddy found for me but I want more than sex with strangers so I am keeping it to him, someone I know I would never fall for.” The man definitely fit her physical type but his desperate want to be a vampire kept him from being truly attractive to her. Such a quality was low on her list of traits that enticed her. “Besides, I think I like someone,” she admitted.

        Alina had heard Bellamy’s tales of liking men, she assumed it was a man. Even if she’d seen Bellamy kissing and bedding women in France all of her tales of love involved men. From everything Bella had said of her life growing up she could imagine why her romances leaned so heavily to one side. Still, Bella liking someone did not feel uncommon, even if it had taken a while. Alina just imagined that Bella would fuck him a few times before realising he was actually awful in some way.

       “Then call him, we’ll take him home together,” she suggested but immediately saw Bella’s face scrunch up. Was the vampire ever able to lie about anything? The moment she didn’t like something it was as though she’d smelt old milk. “Or you two can go back alone. God, I did not realise I was so abhorrent to you,” Alina followed with sarcastically, Bella’s gaze falling back over to the fox and smiling gently at him. Perhaps it would be enough of a sign for him to know that what followed was not just for Alina but for Nuadia as well.

       Exhaling she brought her eyes back. “I haven’t slept with him, in fact I refused to sleep with him because he’s...hung up on his ex-wife,” Bellamy stated, a fallen expression on her face. She sounded so pitiful to herself. Being sad over someone who didn’t really want her. He wanted her friendship and he wanted her physically but had made it clear anything more was impossible at that point. The ‘at that point’ part was what stopped her from completely abandoning the concept of him. Bella assured herself in her head she could have a crush on him as long as she knew nothing would happen now and if she did meet someone who was more open to her she would allow herself to move on. Still, even with that she felt rather pathetic, she should have merely accepted his friendship and never encouraged the physical side of things.

       “All he’s doing now is sleeping with random women because it’s all he wants right now but I...I flirted with him a little too much and I thought we could just kiss but I messed things up and he thought I meant sex so when he began to undress I...rejected him, well, not rejected, momentarily declined?” she rambled, the habit ever evident. “I mean, I would sleep with him, if I didn’t think he’d be gone in the morning or treat me like a bird he’d wounded because he didn’t actually want to be with me.”

        Inhaling hard she shook her head firmly. “I would have slept with him if I’d known he was going to ignore me anyway though. I told him to tell me he’d see me in a few days and he did but it’s been five and he hasn’t even text me. His brother is visiting this week and he told me I’d meet him. I ruined things. I know I...I know I had ever right to say no and have it be taken as a no but I also know that it doesn’t mean it’s easy for someone to be around someone they want. It’s not easy for me either but to be rejected by someone you want, especially when they tell you they want you too but you’re not enough for them? I worry I hurt him. I just...I didn’t think he’d be like this. I thought he’d appreciate that I cared more for him than to put him in a position where he’d know I’d be upset. I don’t ever actively want to be hurt...least not anymore.”

      Alina listened but it was all rather confusing to her, missing a lot of the information. Apparently Bella liked a man who had a wife and was boning the town and now wasn’t speaking to her when she was meant to be speaking with his brother? It sounded like the drama that Bella could often bring into her life when it came to men but Alina kept that thought to herself. It wouldn’t help Bella. Alina knew how much Bella had tried to change and had even more so than when she was in France so to think that at least her drama came with the idea of her doing something to prevent her hurting herself it seemed a little better than most of her moments of affection.

       “I even let my hair go back to blonde so he could see what I really look like,” Bella whined, picking up her glass of blood and vodka, finishing it in one long swig. “It’s been Marilyn blonde for two days now and I feel like an idiot that I actually imagined we’d remain friends after I did something so dumb.” Well...if that was the worst of it Alina did not think that it was too big of an issue. Certainly it seemed easily resolved.

       “We’re going to dance,” Alina stated, getting off her stool and taking a step to Bella. The witch’s hands grabbed Bella’s once more and pulled at her to come off. “And drink and then I’m dropping you off at his house because unlike you I will be having sex in your apartment tonight so you may as well go somewhere you can work this shit out so no one else has to hear you be a total weirdo about it.” With that Bella laughed. Likely she would object a few times, refusing to go there but Alina could be convincing and Bellamy knew in the end a drunk Alina would be shoving Bella out of her own car.

[inikolaveau]

date: august 21st, 2017 location: road (close to blackwood) availability: self-para

The news had reached her through a phone call. Moon Island was dark from the moment the solar eclipse occured, and it never returned to light. The only light came from the moon, standing tall right above them as a guest to enjoy the spectacle that would possibly happen in Moon Island. After all, Iniko knew that those changes would always mean something else in the island, there were always consequences coming from the acts of nature. And even if she could stay far away from it, in her own town, her curiosity was bigger than her fears. 

It was safer to stay in Salem, and perhaps it was reckless to decide to head to the island when she knew that bad happenings would definitely occur in the little town of Moon Island. Yet, she was there, inside of her car, on her way to the island with the radio on some random station just to fill the car with music instead of the haunting silence. 

Moving across the bridge that linked the rest of Massachussets with Moon Island, the moment her car passed by the welcome sign of the small town, everything had changed. The sky was no longer light, with a bright shining sun on top of them. She could finally experience what was told to her about what was happening and there was definitely something different in the atmosphere. She couldn’t know exactly what, but she could definitely feel it. It would’ve been great if the solar eclipse was the only situation she’d gave to go through, but without a warning, she heard a voice she was expecting to get to her while she was driving in a road where she was the only going through. 

The soothing voice that she knew so well. Not only a familiar voice to Iniko but, also, to the witch inside of her. It didn’t matter how many years would pass by, there’s nothing as memorable as a Laveau’s voice and their power. 

It was one of the prices the witch had to pay for possessing a Laveau. Their spirituality, making Iniko vulnerable to what happened across the veil. It was against the rules to contact the dead. Misha knew that. Iniko knew that. But, despite the consequences. Here she was. For reasons that Iniko and Misha couldn’t understand, Adina had decided to pay a visit, crossing the veil for a family meeting.

Misha. I see you. You may be hiding inside of my niece but I see you.

The pace of her heart increased. Her eyes searched for Iniko, constantly looking from one side to the other, ignoring everything else but her goal of finding Adina. “Where are you, Adina? Where’s your little auntie, Iniko?” The witch in control of Iniko tried to remain brave, with a smirk on her lips while fear was making her blood pump faster. And the moment Iniko looked to the front, she was forced to hit the breaks when she saw Adina standing there, right in front of the road.

The painful hit of her head against the steering wheel made Iniko instantly reach for that spot while she opened the door to leave her car. The anger was building inside of herself, staying inside of the car was no longer an option that Iniko wanted to accept. And instead of finding a way to defend herself, Iniko waited until Adina would show herself again. “Where are you?” She screamed, her hands turned into fists while her nails marked her own skin with them. 

Do you think you can control her and there wouldn’t be consequences for you, Misha? Do you really think I’d allow you to be Iniko when you’ve always been a failure when you were alive? I wish things were different. But I have to bring you back. They asked for you.

In a matter of seconds, there was no need to look for the witch anymore. Adina was right in front of Iniko, making her way closer. Adina didn’t move closer to physically hurt Iniko, after all she would hurt her niece as well. But the words being enchanted by Adina made Misha’s fear grew. “No, no.” It was the first time she was ready to beg to stay inside of Iniko so shecould help the Adrasteia coven, so they could win thiswar and after that she’d leave Iniko’s body. But all of that was a lie. She had no intentions of giving Iniko peace. She was only waiting for the moment Iniko would no longer have strength to fight back and Misha would be the only one inside of that body.

Goodbye, Misha.

Her connection to Iniko felt like it was being held by a string, and now she was losing control of that weal connection. Inside of Iniko's body, Misha couldn't notice that all of that, the pain, the feeling that she would no longer possess Iniko was only happening inside of her mind. The solar eclipse was playing tricks that she couldn't understand, making her suffer her most cruel nightmare, the loss of a plan she had fought for. “Stop,” Iniko screamed, closing her eyes for a second only to know that once she opened them again. Adina wasn’t there anymore. “Fuck.”

Leaving her car behind she ran forward, she needed help. She needed one of her allies. Anyone that could protect her from the imminent danger. But what if they knew? What if they finally knew that the person who’s been leading them had never been Iniko herself? “Leave me alone.”

[elysiumrp]

Congratulations IZZY! You have been accepted as Rebecca Gray. Please go through the checklist and send in your account within 24 hours. If you need more time, make sure you send a message to the main.

I know how much you’ve liked Rebecca since the very beginning, so I’m glad that you finally took the leap and decided to pick her up. We’ve been needing more witches and warlocks to get involved in the main plot, and Resistance members as well, so it’s awesome that Rebecca can fill a spot for both of those roles. I have full confidence after seeing Kyle’s character development that Rebecca will become just as well-rounded, and having another character on the dash that I know will grow and change and mature throughout the path of Elysium is something that truly is exciting. I can’t wait to see Rebecca, and I can’t wait to interact with her either. As usual, Welcome to Elysium!!

OOC INFO

Name: Izzy Age: 23 (I’m 24, but I hate even numbers) Timezone: PST Preferred Pronouns: She/Her Previous RP Experience: [RFP] Activity Level: Trust Anything Else:  Just letting you know, I wrote this application while listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack.

IC INFO

Character Name: Rebecca Gray Why did you choose this character:

As you know, upon writing Rebecca, something within the character tied itself onto my mind. What happens during one’s childhood holds on immensely to that person throughout the entirety of their life, whether they like to admit it, or not. When it comes to family, they’re supposed to love you no matter what, even if they don’t like you, you’re family so they have to. Rebecca holds a similarity to me there seeing as I was in those shoes when I was young. I was the outcast of my cousins, always the one that was made fun of because I would rather read than T.P. people’s houses or play dark in the night with pillows – all stupidities. Family reunions were never fun but it also taught me that if I’m able to overcome being the cousin made fun of, I’d always be bigger than any other bullying. It helps grow yourself, helps fundamentally bring you into your own sooner so you know who you stand for – which is yourself.

Instead of becoming a victim at a young age, she grew from it. Accepting who she was and thriving with it. Of course, that doesn’t mean she regrets some things. Her mother, for example, is someone that was well-liked by her family, and because of what she did accidentally, she too has to live with it. In a way, it’s made her want to perfect the things she knows she can do rather than dwell in what others, and herself, and found herself weak in. That’s probably why she was drawn to brewing rather than spells seeing as one of the first pivotal incantations done ended up in her cousins fearing her and her family viewing her as a pariah. She feels safer relying on herself and ingredients together than spells. All in all, this is me as a witch, to be honest and I’ve always loved her since she dawned in my mind.

Describe your plan for them:

As of right now, a slow build. Not exceedingly slow like the Krabby Patty Formula being brought to the front of the screen, but at a pace that will let me develop Rebecca as her own and not just the one known for her brews. The world is changing, and she had been contributing to it before and after the reveal. I want her to lend her hand to the Resistance, maybe eventually revealing to the human world that some of the majority of the products they use are made by fellow witches. Yes, it may be something small in most people’s eyes, but it’s something being used by humans that they can’t just throw away or switch. She’s proud to work in the establishment now and for it to be just behind a door, Rebecca will attend every meeting because it’s something else she has found that maybe can possibly be perfected by her help. With everything happening with the supernaturals, I also want to allow her the capability to be the one they can turn to if injuries occur – i.e. the bombing with wolfsbane and vervain. Usually, my character decides for them self as to what happens, as do the people Rebecca will communicate with so I’ll let you know what she plans when she’s more developed.

Another thing I want to delve in, far down the road since it’s not a main personality trait about her, is the fact that dark magic basically held her hand at such a young age. Every so often Rebecca finds herself thinking about it, how kind it had been when she was in need. She knows not to turn to it, dark magic isn’t something that normally does it, maybe it was the energy in the room seeing as she was a source of light rather than seeking darkness to do anything, but maybe down the line she gets the courage to see what would happen if it were to happen again. It could happen with helping a friend or the cause, holding onto the fact that once before it worked for her and the next time it might or might not. It would be a fun thing seeing as she’s more positive than negative.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the initial reveal of the supernatural world:

The first thing Rebecca thought of was how outrageous everything had happened. Of course, for people like witches, it was easier to hide their supernatural capabilities as opposed to vampires and werewolves. But to think that a mere hunter simply lost their mind and ranted about it for ten seconds was truly outrageous. At first, she was hoping that maybe the supernatural community would have a game plan for how to orchestrate their community afterwards, but it went haywire, something Rebecca found to be embarrassing on their behalf. After thinking about it, however, they had lived in secrecy, it was what they knew how to live and conditioned as well, technically not their fault if being thrust into the open was something they were no where near accustomed to. What also went through her mind was the bitterness she had at humans at first, she saw them as her cousins. Immediately chastising the supernaturals when they didn’t even give the time to learn about them, immediately hating them.

Describe your character’s feelings and reactions to the current state of the world, and how it impacts them as an individual:

It took a while for Rebecca to see the virtues of a human and supernatural understanding, nearly six months before it hit her that it was the only way if they wanted to live in harmony. Yes, their race was released to the world, but just as she had overcome the downfall of her family casting her away, she overcame seeing the humans as terrible people. Rebecca had grown up beside them, learning how to do things to help benefit both them and her. In all fairness, witches and humans were the most alike, witches just being able to grow plants faster, make a vampire cry blood or a werewolf untransform from being a wolf. Just as before, she can live her life with the majority not knowing that she’s a witch and the products she makes being something anyone else can do.

Rebecca’s just grateful there’s no blood test that can find one to be a witch, being registered something she’ll never do. She’s apart of the Resistance after all, they’re meant to resist what the governments are creating and come up with a more humane plan. All Rebecca wants is for people to see the better outcomes of things that involve supernaturals. How her cream can heal a wound in seconds. A werewolf bite can save someone from dying of cancer. Vampire blood can bring someone out of a coma and bring them to their best health. All things she wants the human population to see, but Rebecca knows it has to be strategic, it has to be slow and if she has to live in fear that someone’s going to attack her, at least she knows she’ll be on the side that was innocent and only looking for equality to live in peace as things always had for centuries.

Para Sample:

Whenever a person simply knew that they were being lied to, the ringing in their ears, the sinking of their gut, it stayed with them until they found out. Since receiving the last text from Kaden, one that said she was going to her apartment to retrieve some clothes, Kyle knew what would happen. He would be there. After all, Kyle had bit him, and when he had done so, his body had been already mid-transformation. A bite as a human did nothing unless the wolf’s canines were exposed. When the wolf was taking over, then that permitted venom to be released, and if the full wolf was in attendance, venom came with every bite. However, it was a bite from an Alpha that allowed any form of steps taken to be pushed aside because it only took one pose of contact to do the damage it was meant for. This knowledge was something that was a residue from the Other Kyle’s knowledge of everything, and something that Kyle now knew.

Kyle had bit to kill. If Nick were anywhere to die, it would be in that apartment.

However, Kaden still said that she was going and Kyle remained in his room. Pacing back and forth and staring at the clutter on his desk that he knew he should reorganise with the plans and strategies that he had no clue as to why he had drafted them but still felt like they should be created. Plans, after plans, after plans. He didn’t want to be like the Council where things weren’t being done and only talk was ensued. He couldn’t have that with his pack. There would always be a plan, and a backup plan, just as there was an A-string and B-string when it came to players on a baseball team.

”Hey, food’s ready,” the voice of one of his pack members, Brooklyn, said, head peeking through the open door. When his door was open, anyone was allowed in. If it were closed, no one dared interrupt him.

”What is it,” Kyle answered in a toneless voice.

”Stella and Marc made butter basil pasta, some kinda Mexican drink… Michelle? Michelada? Something like that,” she replied, not deterred by his disinterest.

No matter how impacted his mind was and filled with thoughts that weren’t thoughts, just mind fillers, the mention of food always triggered regular Kyle to return, mouth already salivating. “Oh, fucking H Christ,” was all he had to say, throwing his phone on his bed, not wanting to think of the other end of it and where she was. “See, this is exactly why I chose them, fuck the strength shit, they fucking cooking.” After a laugh from his female wolf, Kyle chuckled lightly, making sure he voiced that he was only kidding so no ill-nature was spread.

They didn’t have a big enough table yet, so the dining room consisted of more than enough chairs, a cluttered counter and one table that fit four. That would be his next buy, and though everyone in the room offered their seat to their Alpha, Kyle brushed them all aside, preferring to stand so the others found comfort. He liked to stand when he hate anyways, all the years of him doing so while eating cereal paying off for the furniture they were yet to have. What was different now, though, was the fact that the energy the room brought was more familiar than Tarryn could ever offer — which he hated even thinking. Instead of just his cousin, he was surrounded by around seven others, all getting along and actually engaging in conversations rather than with one person, it was everyone. He loved it. Comradery was what was needed and it was there.

They were all there, conversing with Kyle laughing on and adding to when he couldn’t but do so, the necessity to lead everything through like he had always felt he had to there. It was when the words were becoming harder to say, the frowns becoming visible on each person and a strain present that Kyle knew was also on his face. They didn’t have to say anything to know that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. The clatter of the bowls being set down and the sound of nails clenching into glass. No voice was heard, just strained breathing. There was a burning. Something sporadic flooding through each body. Nothing that could be quite pinpointed, but again, for the same reason as before, Kyle knew where it was coming from.

”Kyle… The fuck is going on,” one of his guys said breathlessly, hands holding on to the table he had been standing next to. Others had sat on the floor, some bracing themselves on the wall.

Instead of giving a solid answer, Kyle only raised his hand, motioning for everyone to quiet as he closed his eyes when the sensation grew stronger. He felt weak, weaker than he had ever been in his life. Past a point of starvation and dehydration, the inside of his body feel like a bag that was being vacuumed closed. His hands were shaking, eyes burning with what he knew to be the crimson from his wolf, but it didn’t burn like he was used to. It was as if it were crying out, his wolf clawing to stay alive but was being crushed by the rock that had collapsed on him. Someone had fallen to the floor, their body convulsing while another could be heard vomiting. Yet, all the while, Kyle could only think about what he knew was happening and that there was nothing he could necessarily do. It wasn’t like he could run to Antonia’s apartment, stop her from what she was doing.

His breathing was strained and it took everything to keep himself up, the sensation almost too overwhelming as it came to a climax and there were two others shouting out in agony. And just as Kyle could feel himself losing grip of what made him who he was, it ended. Just like that. Like a cramp that suddenly smoothed itself out and every agonizing impression it brought to him having gone. Everyone was panting, including himself. Breathing harshly but the hum of the pain that had just encased them leaving a scar mentally on them as if they could still feel it. Kyle felt his body buzzing, hands shaking as he brought them up to see his long claws now retracting in.

”Everyone breathe, we good?” he asked, looking up but not releasing the counter he was holding onto.

No voices were found just yet, some nodding and others raising their hands to their heads to wipe the sweat that had formed. It was Stella, the more outspoken of everyone, that spoke, tears having welled down her face. “The fuck was that, Kyle?”

He hadn’t noticed, but the hand that Kyle had been staring at was placed on his chest, as in a way to hold in the heart that was there and felt as if it were sinking. He didn’t even need a confirmation from Kaden to know that she had done something, and that something had just done its damage to him and most importantly his pack. He was just about to say just that, about to curse out her name when his clenched his eyes shut, head nodding in disagreement. He couldn’t do that to her. To throw her under the bus like that. They would hate her, and they weren’t allowed to. Only him. Only Kyle because he knew what she had done. Not even the Other Kyle’s knowledge in him had to tell him that she had just siphoned magic, and what was a werewolf made of? Exactly that.

So, for the first time since he had accepted being Alpha in this world, Kyle lied to his pack after he straightened his shoulders and tried to gain control of the aftereffects of what they had been through. “Someone just siphoned our magic and I’m gonna go kill them,” he stated. “Peter, clean your puke up, I’ll be back.” And with that, he turned around out of the kitchen, his footsteps paining himself but the necessity to release the wolf in him stronger than ever with the hatred at what she had done fueling him to run to where he usually went to emancipate what she just nearly took away.

Any questions/concerns/things you’d like to change: (siblings to add, pronouns, sexuality you’d like to specify, personality, face claim, history, etc., etc.)

N/A

[marcus-mck-innon-blog]

Another Realm | Self Para | After Death

Part two to: “seeing the future”

She was standing in front of him, although she had not seen him yet. She looked angelic, no more older than she had that the last time he had seen her, only days before his death when he stolen something precious from her. Something that was irreplaceable and could never have been given back to her, even if someone else had known what he had done.

He stood, leaning against the tree, chewing on his bottom lip and trying to decide when the best time to move forward, to speak to her, to reunite with the woman he loved, the woman he had intended to marry and spend the rest of his life with. He didn't know if she would remember him, but death was a funny thing. All traces of the life before, scars, everything, was wiped away and he had been waiting so long, simultaneously longing for and dreading this moment.

June 12th, 1981

He knew what he had to do, but he had the hardest time convincing himself that it was for the best. The letter in his hand, the severed hand that had been delivered to him, the blood writing dripping on his walls - all of it, he had hidden from those he loved, in the hopes that he could find whoever was tormenting him, but he couldn't keep hiding it any longer. He knew what he had to do.

A suitcase was packed in the corner of his flat, ready and waiting for him to pick it up and run, but first, he needed to stop by the house of the woman he loved. The only woman who had ever won his heart and managed to keep it under her constant spell. The woman who he would soon do a despicable thing to, in the hopes of saving her life. He had made a bargain with Dumbledore, now he had to fulfil his part.

Entering her home as he usually did, his heart ached as she looked up at him and smiled a smile that he knew what only for him. When she got up and crossed the room, throwing her arms around him, he held her close and inhaled deeply, breathing in her scent whilst he still had the chance. Pushing her away a little, he cupped her face and crashed his lips onto hers, kissing her roughly, passionately and although she did not know it, for the last time.

"I love you, Sybill" he whispered, as he pulled away, rubbing his thumbs across her cheeks. She smiled at him, but he saw her eyes crinkle in concern. She had always known when there was something wrong with him and he couldn't afford to wait any longer. He wrapped his arms around her and slipped the wand from his sleeve, pointing at her back, "I will always love you".

"Marcus, what...?" she started, but didn't finish as he spell knocked her out in his arms. Gently, he lifted and carried her over to the sofa, placing her gently upon in and crouching down beside her. "This is for your own good you know, you'll be safer no knowing me... or any of this" he whispered, pain in his voice, steeling himself to do what must be done.

"Obliviate".

He took a deep breath and walked up behind her, stopping only a few steps away from her. "Well my love" he said, quietly, although loud enough for her to hear him. "It's been a while".

She turned, unsure of who was speaking until her eyes fell on him. She blinked several times and suddenly, the memories flooded back, overwhelming her for several moments. The drunken night, the fear being taken away, the nights spent curled up next to one another, the laughter, the palm readings, the nights spent wrapped around each other in ecstasy... it was as if she had woke from a dream. "M... Marcus?"

His spell, as he had hoped and predicted, had been lifted with her death. He chewed his bottom lip once more, his hands shaking as tears formed in his eyes, unable and unwilling to stop the flood of emotions that came to him. Every memory that he had suppressed because of the pain came rushing forward with the sound of his name on her lips. "Sybill" he whispered, softly, reaching up to cup her face, "yes, Sybill, it's me".

Her eyes roamed over him hungrily, taking in every inch of his body, a body that had not changed since she had last seen him... and then she remembered the last time she had seen him, what he had done to her. Her heart broke a little because she knew what it must have taken him to do what he did, but she also grew angry.

She pushed him away. "Why? Why did you take yourself from me?  I... I was lost I was a shell of who I had been... I couldn't remember what gave my life meaning and that was because... you took it from me" she said, angrily, pacing in front of him, every fibre of her being wanting to scream. She wondered if he had been watching her, if he had seen what she had become and grew embarrassed and with that embarrassment, came more anger.

"I never meant for any of that to happen, I did not know that it would and once the spell was cast, I could do nothing about it... and then I died" he said, softly. "I was punished up here, never able to see your face or hear your voice, but I tried to console myself that you were safe and happy and could be starting a new life with... with someone else" he said, the words tasting bitter. He didn't know if they were true and hoped they weren't.

She sighed and crossed her arms in front of him. She hadn't minded her life at Hogwarts, sending countless hours devoted to divination. It had been nice, and now that she knew she had been responsible for the prophesies that changed the course of both wizarding wars, it gave her a sense of accomplishment and pride that she had been right about her gift all along. He had always believed in her, but he had left and she had doubted.

"I had a fine life, but it was so empty without you. There was a hole in my life where you should have been and I didn't even know you were supposed to be there. Do you know what that's like? To feel empty and not understand why? Marcus, you didn't exist, it was like you had been wiped from the pages of my life. It would have hurt like hell that you were gone, but I would have always had you with me. When I think of the years spent... hearing your name and not knowing who you were".

"I didn't plan on dying Sybill" he said, looking away from her for a moment, running a hand through his hair. "If you didn't know me, you would be no use to anyone and I thought that if the worst happened, you would be protected and happy. I even made arrangements with Ted and Amos to make it so but... Ted informed me of my wrongness and I have been in pain over it ever since" he confessed. When his friend had joined him, he had asked how his girl was doing and the look on Ted's face had told him everything he needed to know.  

He tried to convince himself that he had done the right thing all of those years ago, but if she said that he had not, he would accept it, because he did not want to fight her. "I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I can't change what I did, but know that I have never wavered in my feelings for you, even after all these years" he said, placing his hands on her arms. "Please, hate me again in a moment if you must, but let me hold you now, even if it's the only time you let me". He was desperate to have her in his arms. He had eternity to make up for his past failings but he just needed to hold the woman he loved again.

She listened, frowning. Of course he didn't think he would die, but that didn't give him a right to make her forget him. Didn't he understand? She would rather have faced a hundred deaths than spend as much of her life as she had not knowing who he was. He was an idiot, as always, wanting to do what was best and forgetting the consequences. To himself, to her. And then he was there, and even though she knew this wasn't the physical realm, she could feel him, she could smell him and it brought back a host of so many memories that she had missed.

She rolled her eyes, moving her hands to his neck, pulling him close. Her lips collided with his in an explosion of life and colour, far beyond everything they had ever experienced in the physical realm. It was like their souls were in contact, swirling around each other and through each other. Feelings, senses, everything was heightened here and the magic seemed to be all around them, rather than inside of them. His hands on her body made her ache for more and press closer. They had been apart for far too long.

When she pulled his lips to hers, he felt fireworks explode in his stomach. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body close to his, kissing her passionately, remembering everything that had once caused him pain to recall in great detail and happiness. He remembered their fights, he remembered watching the stars, her falling asleep in his arms. He remembered the first time they kissed, the first time they said ‘I love you’ to each other and every time they had laid together, bodies writhing together in an explosion of passion.

When they finally pulled apart, she licked her lips and he groaned. "Of course I am going to let you hold me” she said, catching her breath, unsure as to why she needed too. The new realm she was in was indeed strange, but she would have him to guide her. “I'm going to let you hold me for all of eternity. I'm angry because you left me without you, but now that you're here I'm not likely to let one more second go by without you."

"I have missed you so much, my love" he whispered, moving to place a gentle kiss on her neck, hands moving up and down her back. Her words brought him relief and more happiness than he had felt in many years. "I will never make those mistakes again... and I will spend eternity making it up to you. I promise”.