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shot-through-the-hart · 7 years ago

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Are Pine Needles a Flower? Chapter Two

Chapter Summary: Unofficially official wedding planners, an arguably nonexistent package deal, and rules that were made to be broken.

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four

Roxy Morton had been furiously scouring the internet for about two hours straight, now.

The recent events that had occurred were stellar, spectacular, amazing, fabulous, and about fifty other words that meant the exact same thing. Ah, that sounded almost sarcastic. It wasn’t meant sarcastically, truly, it was wonderful that James had finally proposed to Cecil… but the date they were planning it for was eight months from now, and Roxy had quickly taken up the role as an unofficially official wedding planner.

One of the websites she’d found had a convenient checklist for what she’d need to do to plan the wedding and when it should all happen. She did have to modify it slightly, since the website assumed that James and Cecil were a heterosexual couple who were significantly less extra and had a longer engagement length of sixteen months, but it still worked as a base plan.

Roxy sighed and pressed her eyes shut. She’d probably passed the point of no return a while back, and continuing would do nothing for her, but still she argued with the side of herself that wanted to take a break for a bit. Pausing would only waste time, she only had a few months! Opening up her Skype tab, she decided to go with something that could technically count as both.

Eggsy picked up on the second ring, as usual. “Hey Rox,” he said, as the video buffered.

Roxy took a sip of her glass of water. After a long pause and a deep breath, she said, “Eggsy, help me. James proposed to Cecil – fucking finally – and now I’m stuck as their wedding planner, and I have been researching for too long to be helpful at all.”

“And… You want me to help how? Can’t save ya from your own determination.” A half-joking smile played with Eggsy’s lip as he said it.

“You’ve done the photography for weddings before, right? I’ve been searching for photographers and I can’t find anyone local,” Roxy said.

“I have done, yeah. This your way of askin’ your best mate to do you a solid and be the photographer for a wedding you’re planning? ‘Cause it ain’t exactly a good idea, Rox, I ain’t a professional by any means here.”

“Please, Eggsy.” It came out closer to begging than Roxy meant it, with the desperation in her voice punctuating the end of the sentence as an afterthought.

“I mean, if you’re sure, I’ll do it, but I can’t recommend it in good conscience. You’ll end up with the least competent photographer.” Eggsy smirked, clearly finding his self-deprecation to be the height of humor.

“Thank you! I owe you one, that’s going to make the search so much easier! Now I need to think about a caterer, a florist, figure out the music-”

“Hey, calm down with the planning. You got time, Roxy. You’re gonna burn yourself out.” Eggsy advised, as Roxy took a deep breath to calm her mind currently racing with the tasks still needing undertaking in the to-do list. After an idle pause, Eggsy appeared to realize something, and continued with, “Wait, wait, you said you still need a florist?”

Roxy nodded, raising an eyebrow as a way of signaling Eggsy to continue with whatever train of thought he was following at the moment.

“Check out Blue Moon Blooms, the flower shop across the street from my studio. Run by this bloke called Merlin, he’s this bald angry Scottish guy who does some damn good flower arrangements. I do the photos for his social media, I’d know. I think that he and I are a bit of a package deal, like if you got me for the wedding, you gotta hire him too.”

“Are you actually a package deal, or are you just exaggerating?” She heavily suspected it was the latter, but she offered Eggsy the benefit of the doubt.

“We are!” Eggsy said, mock-offended by her having to ask. She chuckled a bit.

“You so are not,” Roxy said through a grin as Eggsy feigned an even more offended look. She cut through the banter and continued slightly more seriously with, “I will check the place out, though, in case you’re on to something.”

She picked up her glass of water, making a mental note… until she remembered something and put the glass down. “Hold on a minute, did you say his name was Merlin? You know a man named Merlin? It isn’t a moniker or anything?”

“I- I ain’t sure actually,” Eggsy said, more than a little confused at the situation. “I’m pretty sure it is, but I’m too intimidated to ask him 'bout it.”

Roxy would take that as an answer. “Alright then,” she said. After a second, one of the actual reasons she’d called Eggsy popped into her head, so she changed the topic.

“I wanted to say, by the way, your no-matchmaking rule is absolutely still in effect.” He opened his mouth, maybe in protest, or maybe to ask why she still thought he was such a meddler, but she cut him off before he could say anything. “No, Eggsy, I know you. I know you’re gonna find some excuse to match up one of James’s party with some friend of yours, but it never ends well!”

“Name one time it didn’t end well,” Eggsy said, scoffing.

“Charlie was so much of a prick that he was practically a porcupine, and Amelia was a fucking lesbian, Eggsy! You’re not good at meddling, the rule is not going away,” Roxy countered, deadpan expression on her face.

Eggsy’s face flushed at the mention of it, embarrassed. “In my defense, Rox, I didn’t know that! Besides, some of your rules are meant to be broken.”

“No matchmaking, Eggsy. I know this wedding is going to make you want to, but no.”

#and now... for something entirely different! this time: plot! dialogue! and ... actually no merlahad in a merlahad fanfic...#place your bets now for how many chapters it takes for eggsy to break the no matchmaking rule #here's some long overdue trash #my fanfic #Are Pine Needles a Flower?#kingsman

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lorainelaneyblog · 8 years ago

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First I am riding a bike really well through a complicated maze of sidewalks and grass and people, even some mud maybe, and Alberta is watching.

Next I'm arrested, but I know it's not for criminal activity, but to attend a high society affair, at which I will be rewarded. We never get there though, because next I'm aware that Paris Hilton is being arrested from the same massive outdoor party like the beach. Of course, I am alone. She might be with a friend and anywhere, I'm helping an older woman find her.

Next, I am at the police station, and I’m roaming around on my own, often naked, trying to get a towel for the shower actually. I am a polysexual advisor and a family asks for my services. They consist of two women and one man. I make a comment about having no money, and they are all surprised, especially one of the women. Then they say they want to hire me as a prostitute, and though I am still working as one, I forget, and say something silly and offensive about how we will have to discuss it, thinking, I don’t know what I’m thinking.

Next the man is truly hateful, and I must leave.

Next I am honoured with further discussion by one of the women, and she assures me they wanted a prostitute, and I realize, what do I realize, that he must have been offended by my reticence, which wasn’t even reticence, but--’

Next the other woman comes along and says something unintelligible, and is also offended by my lack of understanding. But it ultimately becomes clear, in a roundabout way, that I am to be with the man while the two women seem very invested in each other.

I have to say, I, fairly quickly, viewed one of these women as neurotic. I saw her as a woman overly invested in the man for the degree of her expression towards him. I asked DH Lawrence in heaven about the two on one. He says, "She’s overly invested in bisexuality for a traditional two on one.”

Paris Hilton - judicious, pretty, financially secure always and forever.

Alberta - struggles always with money, but has so much more than me, I trust her opinion on myself, she's jealous but she's usually fair. This brings to mind when she called Ontario mental health on me for describing the antics of the police in Ottawa upon my arrival.

'What were they?' says a cop.

'I don't remember what I said. I remember them laughing from the upper apartment over my eight hours of reassembling a puzzle of a pine futon frame. I remember the noise box which was a wave machine, and the sirening. And that’s it.’

'No poison.’

'No.’

'That's what we wanted. We wanted to be better than Vancouver, but not let you down, Loraine.'

'Oh, I see.’

Bigger families is how I see these two. The second woman is really the first woman, and she is, upon closer observation, much less happy than the first woman, who must be very secure.

'Why though?' says the cop. 'We love your dream analysis.’

'You're interfering.’ says Eminem. He's interfering.’

'He is not,' says God. 'You were, but he's not. He's just discussing it, you were trying to put words in her mouth.’

The happier woman - oblivious.

What is she oblivious of? Her own feelings.

Which are? If God is correct, always, except in the case of dominant lesbians, which is almost a misnomer, since a real lesbian is always dominant, more oriented towards the man.

‘What about you?’

‘This is a family of love. Loraine really was more interested in the woman,’ says God. ‘You are much more dynamic, Nancy, than your old husband [ ], much more dynamic, and so was [ ], and so was [ ], Loraine. Kidding, Loraine. Those first two were, but [ ] and [ ] were perfectly matched, perfectly matched. Their [ ] was trying to commit suicide over some school reputation bullshit, Loraine. They are perfect parents. It was so hard for them.’

I think, in the dream, I would go even one step further then, which is that the happier woman is not invested in that particular man at all.

‘She's right. She's right. She's right. She's right. She's right. This is not a happy family, Loraine. The happier woman is having fun, but she's not invested in the man, the less happy woman is not having fun, and she wants the man more. And that’s it. And that's it. And that's it. Good analysis. It wasn't entirely what you expected.'

’No.’

'Leave it. Publish it. Unless--’

‘The rest?’

‘What rest?’

Paris Hilton - judicious, careful, alone.

Why is she alone? She must be poly or something, but she's been decent, having one boyfriend at a time, but, seemingly, no one significant. Her career has taken precedence over love. She's a stone wall. You would never guess, you would never know, you may never know. 'Is this because of her parents, God?'

’Yes, Loraine. Socialites don't get to come out of the closet. And I'm glad you went on, I am, and that’s it.’

'Quoting God, "There are some female 50-50's who prefer the company of women, Loraine, and, like [ ] [ ] family--”’

‘Yes, Loraine, she's a very pretty 50-50, Loraine, that's what Paris Hilton is. Well done.’

“’--they are primarily heterosexual but happily serve a female center.’”

‘That’s me, Loraine. I want a lesbian center, that’s what I want. And I know I’m too pretty, I know I am, I know I am--Ellen? No, she's too old and not pretty enough, do you know anyone, because I’m desperate for this family thing, like you, I’m so lonely I could die, die, die.’

'Pretty? No.’

‘That's fine, Loraine, I was kidding. I like the women to be pretty but not the lesbian. That's what I like, and I need, I need, I need, I need, the men, madly, I love their penises, and I love the sex with them, but I like the licking too, and that's what I like, and that's what Michelle Obama is, and President Obama too. Are you?’

‘Gang bang girls are very invested in a woman or two, but usually one, that’s why they call, Victoria Beckham calls Loraine a hang dog. Yes, she does. Yes, she does. Yes, she does. She’s very invested in one woman, yes, she is, yes, she is, yes, she is.’

'Why though? I’m not like that. I like variety in women, and variety in men, that’s what I like, that’s what I like, that’s what I like. How does she do this?’

‘I don’t know. She has gaydar.’

‘I see. Well, thank you, Loraine, finish please.’

‘Thank you. "--as long as they have some men. But, they are 50-50's, Loraine, and would, almost Loraine, if the social--"

'The social? That's what it is. I almost prefer the men, but I love the company of women more, and that’s why I always fought with my friend, Loraine, because she wanted the men and I didn’t, Loraine. I didn’t, Loraine, I wanted the perfect man and she wanted any men, the social, the social, the social.’

'She's right, Loraine. Women who are almost wholly orientated sexually to men, almost always prefer the company of men, in light of women, sure. And that's it. And that's it. And that's it. Well done, Loraine, wrap.’

'Thank you, God.'

'You're welcome, Loraine.’

'I think I am, Loraine,’ says Alberta. 'I think I am a 50-50. I wanted to be a gang bang girl cause you were, but I’m not, I like women too much, I do.’

‘Is she trans, because I only like women?’

‘No, it’s hard for us to place.’

‘It is not,’ says God. ‘You are a 50-50, Alberta. And you are not, not, not, hard to place, many people love you, as well for Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton has so many gays, it's not even funny.’

‘I don't want them though.’

'But your center does. And that will make you a commodity, and she will provide, and she will provide, heterosexual men for you.’

'My Dad's going to kill me, being on this website, he will, Loraine, he didn’t want me to come out as bisexual, he didn’t want me to, he didn’t, he didn’t, he didn’t, and I agreed not to.’

‘Wow.’

‘What?’

‘Ha ha ha.’

‘What?’

‘She knows that sexual orientation is the essence of your being, and the only thing stopping you from finding love. And that’s it, Paris Hilton.’

‘He knows about Loraine, and he will kill me, Loraine. He will. kill. me.’

‘Well, we’ll know why you’re dead,’ says 50 Cent. ‘I’m bisexual too. As is Loraine. As is Eminem.’

‘I don't like Eminem, he's not sweet enough.’

'You're funny, Paris Hilton, all of us, to answer your question, are her boyfriends. We wanted one girl is why. You don't want what she has, trust me on this.’

'Does she do gross things that I've heard of? Why did God want you to wrap, earlier?’

'He was trying to teach me the coalescence of people and dreams. It's the collective unconscious, Pat?’

‘That's right, Loraine. It's not only you, as you know, your earlier work encompassed humanity, as you almost said, but later, we are working in details, well done.'

'Thank you.’

'Wrap, Loraine.’

‘Nicole Ritchie wants to say something,’ says God.

“I am wholly, not wholly, and that’s why we got along as well as we did, we commiserated a little, about women, and the closet, Loraine, and that’s it.’

‘I see.’

‘Do you think I mislead her?’

‘No way.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘You’ve seen it happen?’

‘It happened with me, but I wasn’t very honest.’

‘You weren’t dishonest, [ ]. She just knew you weren’t enough for her, and that’s it. Don’t worry, please.’

'Oh, I see.’

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