#that heavy feeling i don't always have to lug around every damn day and put myself through delusions just to get through it lol

[d1anna]

so random but i've been thinking abt my hometown a lot (it was in the news recently lol) and i was looking through my old instagram posts from when i was back in high school and it makes me so sad for how ... like ...i don't even know if depressed is the right word to say it, helpless sounds too exaggerated, but i feel like depressed and helpless are the best words to describe how i felt back then. i felt so pathetic back then and i wanted so much more for myself, but i felt so lonely and so ... without and i feel like it reflects in the way i used to talk back then. it makes me sad for the me who felt like it would be forever until i could leave

and it's funny because i've spent now long swaths of time back in my hometown not being in school and that feeling of patheticness (in the vein that it was whenever i was in high school) went away even though i was excruciatingly lonely and isolated. i keep forgetting how much i push away feelings whenever i'm in a situation out of survival instinct (i still do it now that i'm away from home!!), but like that particular mode of survival was so embedded in me that it's hard to think that i ever lived that way and that i lived that way for SO long. i don't know how i was able to bear it. it makes me sad that i was so sad and such a bird in a cage for so long that i didn't know how to separate those feelings of helplessness from myself

i always knew that i didn't really fit in and it hurts because i go to school with so many people who lived in the same state but lived in big, diverse cities, and i've realized that there are people who i can fit in with without trying to wedge myself in. and it's easier for me to acknowledge our differences because i don't feel like i'll be punished for it you know?? i know it's kind of cringe or whatever to be like 'i'm special' or 'i'm different' but the people in my hometown are genuinely not my people. i love my family but i feel like i could have gone through a lot less pain if we had just lived somewhere else

i've literally never known depression like living in a desert filled with people who have given up on trying to understand me or get me. like it's so much nicer to be in a place where people look like me and (somewhat) act like me. and it's also big enough to the point where i don't feel like i need to defend myself constantly for being the way i am i can just blend in or even if i do stick out a little it's not that big a deal you know??

[shay-iamiam]

°Still| Part 6°

Pairings: Boxer!Bucky x Reader 

Warnings: Angst, fluff, a lot of emotions  

A/N: This is probably not the best thing you've read in your entire life but I'm proud of this little series.

As always thank you for reading my little ol fic! 

Part 5

Series Masterlist  

| Unsteady By X Ambassadors

|

“How long do you think she can hold up in there? She hasn't been home in three days.” Sam and Steve watched you through the windows of Bucky's hospital room. You hadn’t left his side in three days. Your eyes hung heavy with bags, the soft glow of your skin was no more.

You began to look like the walls of the hospital. Dull and lifeless. This wouldn’t be Sam sand Steve's first attempt to get you to leave. They’ve tried several times but you still refused to go.

“She’s leaving now. I don’t care if I have to throw her over my shoulder.” Steve walked quickly in the room. He didn't care if he had to drag you out kicking and screening. You where going home tonight.

“Y/n, I think it’s time you go home. I'm not asking you I'm telling you.”. There was a finality in the tone of Steve's voice. You were tired. Trying to pick of fight with him was useless.

During the drive home you drifted off to sleep. The steady lou of the engine louled you easily.. By the time you woke Steve cut the engine of his truck walking briskly to your side of the vehicle.

“Here I can just carry you up." Steve unbuckled your seatbelt.

"I'm just tired Steve, I'm not completely useless." You slowly stared out the truck. Your bones cracked with every movement

Steve watched as you climbed your way up the stairs. He could see the stress in your shoulders, the way you lugged up the stairs it was like you were ok autopilot. Barely there, barely existing.

You stood facing the dark blue door. You remembered when Bucky's convinced you to let him paint that damn door blue.

-------

“Come on Y/n the lady at the store said it matched my eyes.” Bucky  blinked his eyes rapidly, annoyingly trying to prove his point to you.

“Yeah she was just try to upsell ya on the door Barnes. Hate to break it to you but you've been scammed babe.” You couldn't fight them smile that crept up on. Watching him as he'd realized that he had been scammed.

“But hey, you're still the prettiest boy to me." You cupped Bucky's chin in between your fingers squeezing lighty. “If that means anything to you." You stuck your bottom lip out. You tried to come off sincere but your blatant sarcasm crept through.

“Am I really? Beard stubble and all?" Bucky pouted  like a little kid. Causing you to laugh even more.

“Yes really, even more now with this patchy little beard your trying to grow.”

-------

Turning the key to the door was the hardest part.

You've been avoiding your apartment ever since Bucky was emitted to the hospital. Every corner of the apartment pained you. Every corner was stained with memories of you and Bucky.

You could feel Steve's heavy gaze on the back of your neck. You were touched that he was concerned for you. But you could only take so much pitty. It felt like a permanent fixture in your life. The sad smiles, the knowing glances. All filled with pity.

“Steve you don't have to come in. I promise I'll take a shower and rest for awhile.” Tears began to gather in the corner of your eyes, they were heavy threatening to spill at any moment. You repeat your mantra to yourself.

“If I crack, they crack ."

“Steve really, I can get by on my own."

"I know you can Y/n. Your strong, you've been holding things together for Bucky and he doesn't even know it. But you don't have to be strong all the time. Let me help carry some of the load.” Steves words hit you right in the chest. You turned around almost falling to the ground from the quick movement.

It had been so hard being strong all the time. Smiling and nodding when family and friends told you that Bucky would be in there prayers. You put on a brave face when Bucky's doctors informed you that he may not be the same if he woke from his coma. But you couldn't carry this on your own.

“It's been so hard Steve. I don't think I can go on.. I just need him.. I-I just want him.” You broke down grabbing Steve tight. You tried to keep your sobs inside but they came tearing out of you. All the tears you had bottled up came down falling one after the other.

“I know it hasn't been. I miss him every day. But we have to get through this Y/n he needs us. He needs you more than anything. You can't be there for him if you don't take care of yourself first.”

Steve pulled his sleeves down. Wiping the tears from your face. He encouraged you to breath in and breath out, to gain control of your breathing again. It was no secret your anxiety had gone through the roof since Bucky's accident.

“When's the last time you ate Y/n?” Steve was concerned for you. Not only for Bucky but for you. You had been friends with Steve way before you and Bucky got together. He cared for you than, and he cared for you now all the same.

“I umm… I honestly don't remember.” You hung your head down in embarrassment. You knew you should have been taking better care of yourself. But Bucky was the only thing that invaded your mind.

“It's alright. You go take a shower and I'll make you something while you get cleaned up. Okay?”

"Okay that sounds good.” turning your back towards the front door. You couldn't bring yourself to turn the key and walk in. Steve noticed your hesitation. He wished he could mend your heart back together. But there was only one person who could do that.

“Here how about I unlock the door." Steve hand went out to you gesturing for the key. You passed Steve the key without looking up.

It was now or never.

Steve turned the key slowly, giving you time to brace yourself for the round of emotions you were bound to feel. The click of the door

unlocked as you step through the threshold of your home. Every memory of you and Bucky in this space came rushing back to you all at once.

Your gaze sat up the couch. You thought about all the late nights you had spent there wrapped in Bucky's embrace listening while he spoke of the life he wanted you two to have together.You glanced over the the kitchen.

Every nook and cranny of that small apartment was filled with Bucky. The mugs that never matched, the smell of his cologne, the coffee grounds that were on the kitchen counter. He was everywhere but nowhere at the same time.

The apartment was dim. A sad hue laid heavy over the space. Everything was as you left it, but wrong at the same time.

Steve watched you as you stood frozen in the middle of the living room. He could see every emotions hit you at once. He saw the smile that appeared on your face when you were clearly thinking of Bucky. He could see the pain you felt when you remembered he may not come home again.

There you stood frozen in your grief.

You approached the bedroom door. Your hand stayed still over the knob. But you had to turn it, you had to feel this last emotion. Even if it broke your heart.

You slowly turned the knob, swallowing thickly as you prepared for this. Steve couldn't go in there with you. This one.. this was something you had to endure on your own.

The bedroom looked exactly the same. Not one thing was out of place. The sheets where still the same Bucky's side of the bed was still left undone. You hadn't slept in your

our shared bed since his accident. It didn't feel right laying in bed without him.

You walked over to drawer, rummaging around until you found something that would achor you. Pulling out one of his t-shirts. Lifting the garment to your nose breathing in Bucky's fleeting scent.

The bathroom was the last area of your home you hadn't adventured into. Your mind went back to simpler times. You reminisced on all the simple little things. When Bucky would watch you get ready. The way he'd stare so intensely as you did your hair. Eventually begging you to let him help.

Who knew such a small space could hold the most memories. You stood starting at your reflection in the mirror. You couldn't recognize the woman staring back at you.

Your eyes were sunken in the deep tones of darkness appeared under your once warm and vibrant skin. Beautifully pigmented skin no longer glowed under the lights of the bathroom. Your hair had lost it bounce of curly coily curls.

It was to much.

Your hands fell over the sink as your chest heaved rapidly. Focusing on Sam's words you breathed in deeply and out slowly. You thought the hardest room to be in was the bedroom, but you were wrong. The bathroom made you feel something that you hoped would never come. Grief.

The memory of Bucky and your last shower together took all the air from your lungs.

Your breathing became erratic as you stumbled to the ground. The room wouldn't stop spinning. Your heartbeat was loud in your ears It all came hitting you at once.

You came to the realization that you could live in the world without Bucky Barnes. You missed the moments when you were blissfully unaware of the heartache to come.

And that was to much.

The last thing you heard was your heart beating rapidly. As your vision blurred, your body hitting against the cold tile floor.

Next Part 

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A/N: This series is approaching it’s end. This will be my first completed series and I’m having a hard time believing it! I never thought I could finish a series let alone start one. I’m proud of this small little accomplishment.

I hope you all enjoy the final parts to come!😌

Feedback is always appreciated ☄️

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