#i want to get rid of those memories because i can feel the loneliness permeating from them

[d1anna]

so random but i've been thinking abt my hometown a lot (it was in the news recently lol) and i was looking through my old instagram posts from when i was back in high school and it makes me so sad for how ... like ...i don't even know if depressed is the right word to say it, helpless sounds too exaggerated, but i feel like depressed and helpless are the best words to describe how i felt back then. i felt so pathetic back then and i wanted so much more for myself, but i felt so lonely and so ... without and i feel like it reflects in the way i used to talk back then. it makes me sad for the me who felt like it would be forever until i could leave

and it's funny because i've spent now long swaths of time back in my hometown not being in school and that feeling of patheticness (in the vein that it was whenever i was in high school) went away even though i was excruciatingly lonely and isolated. i keep forgetting how much i push away feelings whenever i'm in a situation out of survival instinct (i still do it now that i'm away from home!!), but like that particular mode of survival was so embedded in me that it's hard to think that i ever lived that way and that i lived that way for SO long. i don't know how i was able to bear it. it makes me sad that i was so sad and such a bird in a cage for so long that i didn't know how to separate those feelings of helplessness from myself

i always knew that i didn't really fit in and it hurts because i go to school with so many people who lived in the same state but lived in big, diverse cities, and i've realized that there are people who i can fit in with without trying to wedge myself in. and it's easier for me to acknowledge our differences because i don't feel like i'll be punished for it you know?? i know it's kind of cringe or whatever to be like 'i'm special' or 'i'm different' but the people in my hometown are genuinely not my people. i love my family but i feel like i could have gone through a lot less pain if we had just lived somewhere else

i've literally never known depression like living in a desert filled with people who have given up on trying to understand me or get me. like it's so much nicer to be in a place where people look like me and (somewhat) act like me. and it's also big enough to the point where i don't feel like i need to defend myself constantly for being the way i am i can just blend in or even if i do stick out a little it's not that big a deal you know??

[tatarianasters]

Pink Carnations

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is not mine.

---

Summary: Memories of them are her treasure. Naminé's sketchbook is filled with silver hair and pink carnations. Whenever she sees him, her heart breaks just a little because he will never be him.

---

The room Naminé uses is far more colorful than what she was used to. Back in Castle Oblivion and her room in the mansion in Twilight Town, everything was a sickening white. She couldn't go somewhere without seeing the color. The room she now uses has baby pink walls and a black ceiling filled with plastic glow-in-the-dark stars (Kairi must have plastered them on there when she was a child) and the sheets on top of the single mattress is sunshine yellow. Her grip on her drawing pad tightens as she remembers the only reason she was able to experience this new life of freedom.

She opens the drawing pad, flips it to a certain page. There, drawn in her own hand, was a certain white-haired boy. Even in a drawing, his back was turned. Her vision blurs as her fingers run across the picture. What was the point of returning when the person she wants to see the most wasn't there to welcome her with open arms?

“Naminé?” Kairi's head peeked from the open door. Naminé snapped out of her reverie. Her “twin” gave her a small smile. “Just wondering how you're doing.”

Naminé gave her an identical smile, closing her drawing pad shut. “Im good.”

Her other stood straight, entering the room and looking around. “I hope you don't mind this room,” she starts. “Sora, Riku, and I used to play here a lot.”

That explains the stars, the blonde thought fondly. “I actually like it,” she informed her, craning her neck up to see them.

“Sora loved them,” Kairi informed her, a hint of melancholy permeating her voice. “He bought those stars for me as a birthday gift. I have more of them in my own room.”

She shook her head before returning her gaze on Naminé. “Riku and I were planning to grab some dinner. Wanna come along?”

Riku. She was afraid to see Riku. Thorns wormed their way around her heart and she clutched the drawing pad a little more tightly. She gives Kairi a soft smile.

“Dinner would be wonderful.”

---

Kairi and Riku led her to a restaurant in the main island, just near the school the three (two, now?) of them go to when they're not busy saving worlds.

The sun was halfway below the horizon and you can see the first stars twinkling. The lampposts are starting to come to life one by one and the breeze starts getting a little more chilly, tickling her skin and gently blowing her hair. Naminé walks a little behind Kairi and Riku, watching as the two of them talk. She wasn't paying attention to what they were saying. In fact, Naminé has no idea what they were talking about at all. She was more focused on the way Kairi smiles at him, and the way he looks at her with a silent promise. Her heart begins to clench once again. It could have been him and her.

“We're here!” Kairi announces.

Naminé studies the quaint building. It’s modest, not quite like the bistro at Twilight Town. The restaurant is decorated with a bunch of wooden tables symmetrically arranged throughout the whole place, with vases of pink flowers resting in the middle of each. Kairi chose a table right next to the window. A waiter hurries over to their table to give each of them a menu.

“What do you guys recommend?” Naminé asks, unable to choose from the many dishes. She heard Riku speak.

“We'll have three seafood paellas.”

The waiter nodded and jotted the order down. “And for drinks?”

Riku looked at the two girls for answers.

“I'll have a coke!” Kairi said. Not knowing what a coke is, Naminé decided to order the same thing. Riku placed their orders and the waiter left with a bow.

The two childhood friends fell into easy conversation. She waited for their food to come silently, watching the pink flowers sitting on their table. They're beautiful, she thinks. Her fingers itch to grab pencil and paper.

“Oh yeah Naminé,” Kairi suddenly called her name and she snapped to attention. Her other was looking at her with a smile. “Did I tell you that Riku's family owns the place?”

Naminé was surprised and whipped her head to look at him. Riku gave her a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his head. She dropped her gaze. A sharp pang shot through her heart.

“Yeah, so don't worry about the bill.”

Naminé gave a little nod, turning her attention back to the flowers. Riku noticed her sudden change but decided not to pry. After all, she was probably thinking about him. Kairi doesn't seem to notice anything. Their food come shortly after and they all ate in silence, the only noises to be heard the clinking of utensils against china.

It wasn't long until they finish and Kairi left to use the restroom, leaving Riku and Naminé in uncomfortable silence. Her azure eyes scan the place again, noting white wallpapers and star-shaped lights, before landing back on the pink flowers on the table.

“They're called pink carnations,” Riku informs her, noticing her interest on the flowers. “My mom loves them. She said they mean undying love.”

“Undying love, huh?” Naminé smiled. “That sounds poetic.”

Riku nodded, letting out a low chuckle. “There's another meaning to it. ‘I miss you'.”

“I miss you…” Her gaze was blurred by tears she quickly wiped away, hoping Riku didn't notice. But he did. Nothing escapes Riku's eyes.

---

She's back in Castle Oblivion. Larxene and Axel were there. Vexen is too. She knows what's about to happen. She's powerless to stop it.

She sees him then. White hair. The dark bodysuit. He's oozing confidence, thinks he can defeat the Keyblade hero without any help. She chokes back a sob.

The dream fades.

And she wakes up.

Naminé took the drawing pad from the night stand and frantically flipped through a page. The picture looks exactly the same as him. Confident. Wearing that bodysuit. She hugs the picture close to her chest and cries.

“I miss you,”

---

Naminé is sitting on the sand, watching the others play, her drawing pad resting on her lap. The ocean breeze feels nice on her skin. Kairi and the other girl, Selphie, were on the islet, talking. Riku and the two boys were sparring. Riku was obviously just playing along. He's laughing, more carefree than what she's used to. She wonders how he can laugh like that when his best friend is nowhere to be found.

He must've felt her eyes on him because he suddenly turned in her direction and their eyes met for a fraction of a second before she breaks contact. Sand crunches under his feet and Naminé realizes that he's walking towards her. He sat down next to her wordlessly, resting his elbow on one bent knee, his other palm gently digging the sand. They watch Tidus and Wakka for a while.

“Are you sure you're not supposed to be there?” Naminé finally asks after a while. Beside her, Riku shook his head.

“I'm pretty sure they can train without me.”

“You weren't even training.”

Riku lets out a short chuckle before nodding his head. “You're right. I guess it's not just the same without Sora.” The barest hint of melancholy laced his voice. Naminé didn't know what to say.

“I miss Sora too you know,” Riku continues. “But I know that he wouldn't want any of us to mope around. He'd want us to continue living.”

Naminé looked down, feeling guilty. As much as she misses the spiky-haired teen, it wasn't him who haunts her memories. It wasn't him who she wanted to see the most. It was…

“I didn't want him to leave you know,” Riku started again, staring at the sea. His green eyes sparkled. Naminé's got a feeling he wasn't talking about Sora. “It was his choice, to go away.”

Naminé looked down at her drawing pad, her hands clenching into fists. “Who?” she asked in a soft whisper. Riku only gave her a smile before standing up.

“Wanna go see the pink carnations tomorrow?”

Naminé nodded.

---

She spent the entirety of the day with Riku inside their garden. He told her that his mother loves growing carnations because they remind her of his grandmother.

“My grandmother grew a lot of these when I was young,” he told her as they pass through rows of white and red carnations. “Sora and I would play here a lot and she would often scold us because Sora would accidentally knock over a pot.”

Naminé giggled. She could imagine a little Sora and a little Riku running through this garden. Maybe she's even seen a glimpse of this memory when she was shuffling through Sora's memories.

“We're here.”

The pink carnations were as lovely, or perhaps even lovelier, than she first saw them. She leans down to touch one of them gently. Riku watches her with a small smile.

“Do you want to draw them?”

Naminé turned her head to look at him. “May I?”

Riku nodded. “I don't see any harm in doing so.”

Naminé nodded, flashing him a big smile. Now that he thinks about it, this is the first time she's smiled at him like that. Smiling like that, her resemblance to Kairi seems even more obvious. She should smile like that more often.

Naminé took her drawing pad and pencil out of the white sling bag Kairi lent her. Turning to a blank page, she let the graphite dance across paper, creating copies of live flowers in front of her. Riku watches the process silently. It's amazing how much drawing flowers can change Naminé’s mood. Maybe he should bring her here more often.

Once she was done, she took out a pink coloring pencil and began coloring the flowers she made on paper, bringing them to life. She showed her finished work to Riku.

“Ta dah!” She said proudly. It was the first time she's actually drawn anything outside of Sora’s (and his connections) memories, and she was quite happy with how it turned out. Riku gave her a big grin.

“That looks really good, Naminé.”

“Thanks, Riku!”

---

Naminé begins spending more and more time in Riku's family's garden. She finds that whenever she’s there, surrounded by pink carnations, she was able to be rid of her loneliness. The flowers provide her with silent company.

Riku usually accompanies her there. Most of the time he would just watch her in silence as she draws more carnations, slowly filling her drawing pad with them. Naminé was thankful for the silence. It was all she needed from him.

On the rare days Riku was unable to accompany her, it was his mother who provide her with company. Naminé has grown rather fond of the woman. She has hair the same color as Riku's with warm, dark eyes, and whenever they’re together, she would tell her all sorts of stories from Riku's childhood.

Kairi saw the change in Naminé. She was happier. She laughs more often. More importantly, she looks more comfortable around Riku now. At least, she doesn't look at him like he's died anymore. Kairi is happy for her other. She's finally breaking her shell, finally starting to move on.

---

She’s in Castle Oblivion again. This time she’s alone, in one of the castle's many hallways. She doesn't know what floor it is.

Is this a dream or is this a memory?

She decides to move forward, a hand clutching her chest. A bright light suddenly envelops the place, blinding her temporarily. She shields her eyes with an arm in a futile attempt to block the light.

It subsides after a while, and when she puts her hand down, she sees a silhouette. She knows this person. She calls out to him.

“You've forgotten about me,” he said in a scathing voice.

“No!” She cried out, taking a step forward. “I would never!”

“Liar!” He roared. She flinched. “You replaced me with him!”

Naminé shook her head, breaking into a run as she tried to reach him, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't reach him.

“Riku!”

She can see him shake his head. “You know I'm just a fake. A replica. That's why you replaced me with him. Because he's the real deal.”

“No! Riku, please!”

She ran faster, her arm stretching to reach out for him. A sudden flash of light. He disappears.

Naminé sat bolt upright, gasping for breath. She felt like she just ran for miles. Her tears roll down her cheeks and she hugged herself as sobs wracked her body, breaking her from the inside.

She knew that it was just a nightmare, but why does it hurt so much? Why does she feel like something inside her has broken?

---

Naminé hasn't come out of her room the whole day and Kairi was starting to seriously worry about her. No matter how hard she tried, the other girl won’t let her in. She chewed on her lip in worry. She doesn't want to resort using her Keyblade to respect her other's privacy but if she continues like that… A knock on the door shook her out of her reverie. She opened it to find one of her best friends.

“Hey Kairi,” he greeted. “Where's Naminé? I waited for her all day in the garden but she didn't come.”

“She wouldn't leave her room.”

Riku's brows furrowed. He stepped inside the house and made his way towards Naminé's room, patting Kairi on the shoulder as he passed her. He gave Naminé's door a gentle rap but nobody answered.

“Naminé?” he called out. “Are you okay? What's going on?”

No reply. Riku tried turning the knob. It was locked.

“Naminé, answer me.”

Still no replies. Riku tried pushing the door open.

“Naminé, if you don't reply, I'm going to open this door with my Keyblade.”

He heard the door unlock and he pushed it open, revealing Naminé with bloodshot eyes. His frown deepened. He stepped inside before she could close the door on him and looked around.

“What happened, Naminé?”

The blonde in question didn't reply. She sat down on her bed and grabbed her drawing pad, finishing her drawing. Riku's eyes gazed on the picture. It was him. No. Not him. It was him.

“He accused me of replacing him,” she suddenly said, and Riku's green eyes turn their gaze on the girl.

“When did he say that?”

“Last night.”

“Naminé, you were probably just having-”

“-a nightmare, I know.” Naminé finished for him. She dropped her pencil and looked at him. “But Riku, what if he's right? Maybe I really am replacing him. I don't want that Riku!” she wailed. “I don't want to replace him!”

Big, strong hands wrap around her small figure and she sobbed into his chest, dropping the drawing pad on the mattress. Riku remained silent, letting her sob into his shirt. It took her a while to calm down a little.

“He entrusted you to me, you know?” Riku started. “Though I have no idea if I'm doing a good job. Maybe he's watching us right now, shaking his head.” Naminé said nothing. He continued. “I told him to take the vessel back then but he was a bit stubborn. I wonder where he got that from.”

Naminé lets out a wet laugh at that statement and the corners of Riku's mouth tilted up in a small smile.

“He wanted you to have it. He still wants to protect you, up until the end.”

“That's just because of the fake memories I implanted on him,” Naminé mumbled against his shirt.

“The memories may be fake, but his feelings weren't. After all, if the feelings were fake then he wouldn't be the person you wanted to see the most, right?” He gave her head a small pat. “And nobody's ever going to replace him. Not even me. He's different the same way I am different. He will always have a special place in your heart.”

Naminé tilted her head up to look at him with a watery smile. “Riku, thank you.”

“No problem, Naminé.”

“I want to do something for him. Will you help me?”

He nodded.

---

Riku placed the seeds in her hand. His mother was very willing to help them and even gave them a pot. He watched as Naminé carefully placed the seeds inside the soil before sprinkling them with water.

“Do you think he'll like them?” Naminé asked.

“I think he will.”

She gave him a smile.

“I think so too.”

---

She's in Castle Oblivion, inside the room Marluxia and Larxene keep her in. Drawings were scattered all over the floor: of the Keyblade hero and his friends. Standing right in front of her, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, was him. A small smile played on his lips. She stood up and ran up to him and he took her in his embrace. A soft chuckle escaped his lips.

“Did you really think I would be mad at you for replacing me with the real one?”

Naminé frowned. “You're just as real as him.”

“I know.”

They stayed in silence for a long while, enjoying each other's warmth. Finally, cups her face and tilts her head up to look at him.

“It's time for you to wake up soon.”

“But I don't want to. Please. Let me stay here for a little while longer.”

Riku Replica pressed a kiss on her forehead.

“It will be fine. Trust me. I may not be by your side but he… he will carry on my will. He will never leave you. I promise you.”

Naminé nodded.

“I trust you.”

Light is starting to surround them and Naminé knows that it's almost time to part.

“I love you,” she says just as the light begins to swallow them up.

She thinks she can see his smile as he replied.

“I love you too.”

---

The pink carnations grew beautifully under Naminé and Riku's care. She would often draw them together with a certain boy.

"Hello, Riku," she greets the plant. "How are you today? Riku and I helped out at the their family restaurant. Then we went to the island with the others. It was fun." She paused, giving the plant a fond smile.

"You're right, Riku. Everything's alright. Thank you."