#that hates me and everything about me. ive distanced myself from so many people irl that i dont really have anyone anymore :/

[echosdevil]

going to assume you voted for that human shit stain if you post that corny ass "dont ruin friendships over politics" shit

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so everything’s bothering me again. one, school, to be expected, i hate school. literally would rather just not do it whatsoever. the thought of having to go through 8 more fucking months of near pointless information makes me want to go into hypersleep, and come back when i can leave and get a job and not have to do school anymore. i dont even need pre-cal?? I plan to do what I want with my future, and thrive in a business that I created, or enjoy working for, not slaving away to the machine that is capitalism. i dont want to be a doctor, or a CEO, or anything like that. i just want to be happy, at whatever job I’m at.

and im not getting “dragged” per se, into fandom shit, but it really just stresses me out seeing people leaving, or being unhappy. and still not being able to get all of my feelings across the way. hurting someone’s feelings is the last thing i want to do, but withholding how i feel about certain things hurts me a lot in the long run. I was doing just fine, but it seems like I keep getting hit with blow after blow. it makes me not trust people who i feel like i should. and i hate that. and i try my best to be respectful, and be nice, but I just feel like i’m being looked down upon.

georgia is the state with the highest COVID rates, or one of the states. my city was on national fucking news, CNN, to talk about how fucked we are. the only two times i’ve seen my city on the fucking news were both times talking about COVID, and high rates of deaths. and low vaccination rates. i dont get it. i really dont. it’s not that hard to go and get a fucking shot that’s free to save not only your life, but your neighbor’s life, and everyone else’s. and people are taking fucking horse medicine to get away from taking the fucking vaccine. it’s FREE for a reason. people are just so fucking stupid sometimes. what does it take to save your fellow fucking neighbor? or hell, since us americans are so fucking selfish, YOURSELF??? i dont get it.

and my dad also fucking pissed me off too. he’s fully vaccinated. so he decided to go out of state to go see a football game with a group of friends, who run a social club. they go to every football game the local team goes to, but im really upset. do they have no respect for the worldwide PANDEMIC at hand? there’s people dying day in and day out, and that’s what they do in response? go away and cheer on a team, and completely disregard everything else. i just cant anymore. why would he do that? put himself and his family in danger? i hate that. i cant do that. i refuse to. i cant willingly put myself at risk of literal death. and he masks up, and socially distances, but i just cant see why he would do that. or why the team would do that. people are dying, and you’re out here just?? going out.

i feel this weird sense haunt me when i think about people going out and getting back to their lives. i mean sure, go out and have fun, but there’s still so much going on right now. i really just cant see how they do that. and schools reopening and all that. my county does school on a case by case basis. like i mentioned earlier, georgia has the HIGHEST rate of COVID, literally every single county has high rates. and kids are still in school? people are still traveling? not wearing masks. i fucking hate it here. yes, go have fun, but people are DYING? i dont get it. sure, you’re doing it safely, but i just dont know. maybe i’m bitter because i literally have close to no people to go out and see because all of my IRL friends go to in-person school, and i just dont feel comfortable being around them with such high death rates and such.

also i got some like...really potentially bad news from a close friend that i cant even talk about so thats great.

im like really touch-starved, and im sure that im losing it at this point. which is everybody, i guess? i just feel really shitty close to all the time, not being able to go and see people, or do fun stuff.

nobody talks about a lot of the bad stuff in being a teenager, because it’s all glamourized. im not sure if it’s normal or not, because nobody fucking talks about it, but ive got bad anxiety, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, the whole fucking nine yards. but it’s all partying and “teens need to stop doing this and that” and i know that social media is a lie, i get that. but outside of that, nobody talks about how fucked up some things really are. or maybe it’s just because it’s not normal whatsoever to feel this bad, and have this many bad thoughts, and all that. im convinced that all this anxiety isnt normal (i mean, i do have an anxiety disorder, but y’know) the intrusive thoughts, all that. i really just dont think enough people talk about mental health, still, after so much has been done and talked. especially not teens, and definitely not teens of color. it makes me feel even more alone in the struggle to find out what’s normal and what isnt.

society doesn’t give a shit about teenagers, this much i know. i never see people talking good about us. it’s always “there’s a new tiktok trend about kids doing xyz” and “teens need to stop being in blank fandom space”. and it hurts my feelings because i feel like there’s a lot of good kids out there. but people are obsessed with painting us as bad people, and monsters, and it makes me feel like there’s no potential anywhere. for any type of change. because nobody thinks that we can do anything but fuck everything up colossally. so those are my thoughts on that.

i wish i had something good to say, but i really don’t. i want to punch a wall and scream at the top of my lungs that i literally hate everything about everything, even if it isnt true. i feel trapped. that i cant say everything i feel to the people who matter most. and it’s not my fault, i know it isnt. but thats not stopping me from being in this tiny bubble.

[hobisolostan]

85 question tag thing 🏹

tagged by: @sleepbugs (ilu !!! 😙)

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 (lmao funnyyyy) people

tagging: uhmmmmmmmmmmm @libraop @justinsgf @lilchims @namugf @brightjoon @moon9oddess @joonsgoth

last:

1. drink: h2o 

2. phone call: my mom

3. text message: my yearbook group chat .. its just spams from my friend cause she’s touring Europe ALONE , lucky bitch

4. song you listened to: always you - astro (stan talent !!!) 

5. time you cried: two days ago ish

ever:

6. dated someone twice: no

7. kissed someone and regretted it: what is this kiss?

8. been cheated on: no

9. lost someone special: yea

10. been depressed: is this a question?

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no

12. favorite colours: blues/neutrals 

in the last year have you:

15. made new friends: yup!!

16. fallen out of love: no

17. laughed until you cried: yea ig ?? not like crying with tears streaming down my face but definitely a few tears slipped out 

18. found out someone was talking about you: o yea

19. met someone who changed you: yup

20. found out who your friends are: lets not go there :)

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: nope

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: all of them ??? stranger danger kids dont friend people u dont know irl

23. do you have any pets: skjfl i wish :(( 

24. do you want to change your name: no actually, as much as i hate when it gets mispronounced and not like even a tiny mispronunciation, it literally gets butchered :) , it has a lot of ties and significance to my culture which is important to me

25. what did you do for your last birthday: my friend whom i would die for (the one in Europe rn) invited me over to her place and her and two other friends planned surprised gifts and hot pot ! her mom literally paid for all the ingredients akfdskjl i love her sm :(( 

26. what time did you wake up today: 7 am, my body she just did it ? idk lol

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching a horror movie

28. what is something you can’t wait for: MONSTA X CONCERT TOMORROW AKFSJD;LF IM SO MFCKING EXCITEDDD GONNA SEE ALL MY BABIES 🤩🤩🤩🤩

29. what are you listening to right now: aint nobody takin my baby - russ

30. when was the last time you saw your mom: this morning

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no

32. something that gets on your nerves: narrow-mindedness, arrogance, ignorance, when ppl chew with their mouth open skfsjldfjs

33. most visited website: definitely between tumblr and youtube 

34. hair colour: black

35. long or short hair: short, it’s just below chin level rn sklfjsld

36. do you have a crush on someone: u ask me when hoseok is right ... there ?

37. what do you like about yourself: uh my lips and dimples and the fact that I’m pretty self-driven 

38. want any piercings: more like need ????? ive been wanting double helix piercings for the longesstttt time. might get some this year .. hopefully

39. blood type: i literally dont even know sklfjskd but its definitely a or b or ab since my parents are a combination of those 

40. nicknames: utshee ? just my normal name but instead of the ending ah sound its an “e” as in the letter e lol and then ironically its usa, long back story id rather not get into lol. shira if ur reading this u know 😔

41. relationship status: married to hoseok obviously

42. zodiac: this is virgo solidarity !!! 

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv shows: dont really watch tv shows anymore tbh but the last good one i can remember was supernatural but its .. been awhile lmao

45. tattoos: nooooooo , i want a few small ones tho one day when im of age

46. right handed or left handed: normal regular righty 

47. ever had surgery: nope, i did fracture my arm once tho when i was like uh 2-3 

48. piercings: 2! just regular earlobe piercings, one on each

49. sport: volleyball, lacrosse, and gymnastics i did for a while competitively. i also love ultimate frisbee and long distance running on my free time

50. vacation: i havent been out of country since i came here to the states ksdjsdf my family just isn’t one of those that take family trips, at least out of country 😔ig my last family vacation was 2016 winter break where we drove down to las vegas and arizona to see the grand canyon. it was so damn cold omg

51. trainers: um i have superstars and two pairs of nikes that i wear on the daily. i really want some new van slip ons tho ugh 

more general:

52. eating: i eat literally everything lmao, im one of the least picky eaters tbh but i prefer seafood over meat. i still like and eat meat but sometimes id just .. rather not lol

53. drinking: water !!!!!!!!!! ( i down a good 10 cups at least everyday) i also love boba so much omggg u dont understand but i really do try to limit myself 😔

54. i’m about to watch: perfect man jimin focus skdjfklsdf jimin stans raise up for ur national anthem !!!!!

55. waiting for: college apps to be over even tho they technically havent opened yet akfjds;lfs

56. want: to go into my career field with zero in debt so basically impossible but a girl can dream :( 

57. get married: yea if it happens sure

58. career: medical !!! looking into anesthesiologist but im not set on anything, just wanna do Doctors Without Borders as my end career goal 😔

which is better:

59. hugs or kisses: kisses pls 

60. lips or eyes: eyes bc they just convey sooo much about a person but also pls ... if ur lips are as cracked as the sidewalk outside of my house we’re never smooching 

61. shorter or taller: definitely taller, also wanna be the little spoon during cuddles so yea

62. older or younger: older for sure because i look at the underclassmen and shudder in disgust bc they’re ur typical overgrown yet immature high school students. honestly dont know wtf happened to selecting genuine students to enroll into our school but skfjsdfjs im out of there in less than a year so whatever

63. nice arms or stomach: arms bc i like tummies but if u have abs i dont mind either

64. hookup or relationship: can’t really see myself doing hookups so relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: depends? i definitely want a playful relationship but they should know when their behavior is verging on immature so ig slightly  leaning on the more hesitant side

have you ever:

66. kissed a stranger: no

67. drank hard liquor: o yeaaa, new years eve and home alone with my in-college cousin lmaoo

68. lost glasses: I LOST MY FIRST PAIR IN 5 MONTHS AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE ???? i had to buy another pair after begging my parents for a good 2 months bc the first pair were so mfcking expensive ksfjsld tbh the ones i wear right now are a lot cuter tho so 

69. turned someone down: yes

70. sex on first date: no

71. broken someone’s heart: maybe ? dont know to the extent the other person liked me so

72. had your heart broken: no

73. been arrested: no

74. cried when someone died: yea

75. fallen for a friend: yea 

do you believe in:

76. yourself: love urself right hahha :)) lmao im trying ig

77. miracles: hmm sure 

78. love at first sight: idk depends, im neutral. definitely think theres more to it tho

79. santa claus: no, wish i was still at that age where i did 

80. kiss on first date: hmm depends

81. angels: yea

other:

82. best friend’s name: i have two: one’s andreana and the other is sybil (the one who left me here to die while she went to europe yea, love that betrayer)

83. eye colour: dark brown

84. fave movie: was gonna say black panther but thats too much of a popular opinion so the ritual ?? its a horror movie which i love so much omg fljsd and it was surprisingly good ??? definitely have not said that about a horror movie in the longest time bc the newer ones are always so cringy and predictable 

85. fave actor: mistre kim seokjin of course 🤩🤩

[sketchesandnonesense]

rambly post that might be slightly les coherent than other ones bc i’m v v sleepy n out of it n Not Feeling Well

all those who don’t wanna read bout me bein an Anxious Fucker look away now

w e l p 

I feel like I’ve covered this already but i still feel like i shit friend

I’ve been neglecting so many of my buds like hella

I haven’t actively initiated a fuckin convo since 1912 

and even then they don’t last v long bc I’m shit

n idk what’s wrong w/ me as of late

my depression feels more Crushing than fucking ever

my Anxiety is sky fucking high because work is a goddamned mess I have 0 life and I’m v much feeling like i’m purposelessly floatin through life

Tonight was manageable

though that’s all i really asked for

I did a spell, a simple one, for the last hour of my shift to be empty so we could clean n everything. that no matter what today threw at me, I’d manage. 

and I did

i promised my Will would outlast my lipstick

and it did

till i got home, wiped off my lipstick, and took a nap

then i woke up disoriented and not feelin that great n all my anxiety hit me like a goddamned truck it was gr8 rlly

Work is so fucking draining i hate it 

I don’t know which i hate more

morning shift or late shift

both are fucking awful because my job is fucking awful and i wish i wasn’t fucking scared of driving long distances in my shitty little focus otherwise I’d be trying to find literally anywhere fucking else to work

I’d love to do comissions n art shit for money but lmao my art ain’t that fucking good

n everybody knows there’s atleast 40 other artists with better art and more dire circumstances that could use the fucking income more than my stupid ass so whatever

n lmao getting a legit job doing art would be A. a bitch and a half bc See Above and I’d get so anxious i’d chicken out applying

so

shitty subway job it is 

for shitty ol me

bluh

i feel 17 kinda gross n tired n long for the sweet embrace of death

though i don’t REALLY wanna die

I just REALLY want to get replaced

like

someone takes up my place so nobody realizes i’m gone so i can die Guilt Free 

someone better than me

someone better at art and music and talking and being a decent person

someone not me

I hate this i hate feeling like this i hate feeling weighed down n like my spine’s gonna snap n like my head is full of static and wool

i wish there was something i could take that could make it go away but haha like that’s ever gonna happen

i can barely remember to take the ONe med i have to worry bout on time

I’d never be able to get into a routine 

Ive always been rlly bad bout routines

i never rlly have one

I used to always take a shower at 9:00 n head to bed at 11:00ish 

though anymore It’s an accomplishment i take a shower at all n don’t put it off till tomorrow or worse still not take one then and wait till i feel Absolutely Disgusting n my hair looks gross enough i know people will notice at work

I’m just

so fucking gross everything about me is and of course none of y’all can see that bc y’all only get my Highlights Reel selfies most of the time w/ filters n angles

good thing i don’t have a LDR otherwise they’d be DEEPLY underwhelmed once they met me irl lmao 

speaking of relationships

guess who’s been getting Them Mushy Stupid Feelings again???

and guess who’s depression has been kicking her in the teeth for it??

this bitch

bc lemme explain here

I still rlly like the idea of a relationship or atleast having someone i can call my own n make stupid jokes w/ bout it n all that Jazz

but

the person i got these mushy feelings for

I’m still not Totally Sure how they feel bout me bc well

we did talk bout it alot but

i’m still just like

Doubt

like

was it all just bull so I wouldn’t feel bad??

was I creepy as fuck??????

were the feelings returned then but gone now????

were there ever really Feelings or was it just v v little crush-y thing while I’m over here in a big heap of Garbage feeling like my heart’s going to fucking fall apart 

does he still feel that way bout me??

would he tell me the truth if i asked?

ugh jsut

i hate it

and that ain’t the end of it oh no

it gets worse

bc I worry bout him

alot

bc shit’s goin down in his life n I hate to pry but im a nosy bitch n idk how to help like??? is he the typa person to talk bout this sorta thing or should i go straight for Distract w/ Memes ???????????

I also worry I’ve been creepy and/or annoying and/or shitty n made him Not Like Me

and I’m trying so hard to be like “I don’t need validation from anyone if they like me they do if they don’t then they don;t”

but at the same time

I’m always a slut for Positive Attention

so you see my dillema

bluh

I wish i could be nicer to myself i know everyone wants me to be nicer to myself but it’s so fucking hard 

especially recently bc it feels like the voice in my head ordered a fucking megaphone off amazon w/ 2 day shipping and now the fucker is 3x as loud

so instead of creeping little thoughts that bug me n make me sad I have a loud ass voice over everything else in my head telling me i’m awful

i should be a better friend

I don’t deserve all the good things i have

I should stop being a fucking crybaby

 I’m so disgusting how could anyone ever like me

I shouldn’t bother trying to get into a relationship, I’ll only let the other person down 

people you’ve turned down or people who turned you down dodged a real bullet not having to deal with you 

you clingy, manipulative, whiny, pessimistic, pile of garbage

why does anyone even stay around you it’s so rare you’re even worth noticing

your art’s so mediocre why do you even keep trying you know it won’t get any better

stop bothering trying to accept yourself you know you hate how you look and you find yourself disgusting don’t try to fool yourself or anyone else

you’re such an absolute disgrace of a human being you shouldn’t even exist

and it feels like it jsut keeps getting louder with these thoughts pounding on my head like i thought it was bad before but now I hear it full blast

like I was wearing a diving helmet that leaked 

now i’ve taken it off and I’m suffocating

you’re not a real witch

you’re stupid for believing you can do anything with afew little words and “feeling” anything

those little poppets you made won’t help your depression n the rocks you bought won’t make the voice stop

why even bother if you’re not going to actually try 

you didn’t even research that much did you

you just want to say you’re a witch and act like you have some sort of power when really you’re just as sad and pathetic as you were before you started thinking your childhood halloween costume was something more

you can’t commit to anything

it’s pathetic

any time your little “spells” work it’s coincidence and you know it. you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t have any power in anything. just give up already

I wish i knew what to do to get the voice to stop or atleast to put the diving helmet back on but i don’t know how to fix it I don’t know how to get it to stop for good

I don’t know why this is happening there’s no reason for it

maybe it’s because I fell in love and it made me weak n more susceptible to Everythign Else

who the fuck knows bc i don’t

I’m so exhausted

writing all this out has helped alot, n so has this soda i grabbed from downstairs

so 

the thoughts are finally out of my head and somewhere else

good

then i can read them over and over again 

and try and fight back but

it’s hard

it’s so hard to fight myself

it’s hard to fight thoughts that force their way into my head like facts

blah

the thoughts have died down

they’re quieter again

i can still see them through the glass of my diving helmet and they tap on the glass but

they’re more manageable now

though

some are still clinging to the back of my mind

mostly the ones on love since that’s what I’ve been so stupidly hung up on lately

i guess it’s just because I’ve been wanting affection for so long just

wanting someone that I fell in love w/ like that that would love me back

that i got hung up on the first person who i thought maybe shared the same feelings but now i’m not entirely sure even though I know what they said my brain is still jumbling things up and making it hard to sort through

tho if you’re reading this ya nosy lil fucker n you know who you are

shoot me a skype message so i know i haven’t managed to be So Incredibly Draining you never wanna talk again

or don’t rlly

it doesn’t matter in the end i guess

it’s obvi a possibility i’m just a super draining person n it’s nobody’s fault

I still wonder though if you get as nervous as i do sometimes

maybe I’m just being dumb

maybe I’m just so disgustingly infatuated with the idea of love and relationships I’m projecting 

maybe I’m just hoping so badly that some cute, stupid thing i read in a story could happen to me 

because i think about that alot

wishing and wishing that some day I’d be part of a bigger story

that something would Happen and my life would have some sort of narrative or meaning to it that would feel satisfying

like there was fate i was meeting with

but

I guess me n fate just can’t seem to make plans quite right

I should probably just finish my soda and head off to bed

or atleast try

maybe stay up on my phone n watch weird DIY videos on youtube bc that tends to happen alot

i know I’ll never actually get to doing any of them n have no intention of it but

still fun to watch other people have fun making things

or destroying them in some cases

if you poor soul make it to the bottom of this post congrats

here’s a link to the song I’ve been listening to for the majority of writing this that’s kinda helped w/ my anxiety alittle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5IEt63qOSI

been listening to alotta big bad voodoo daddy lately

got good music