#that goes for everyone!!! if you ever write smth with my ocs i promise i read it so fuckin tenderly four times a day

[imaginepostingonmain]

you have permission to use my muses in drabbles or whatever if you want to! i know i always feel super shy about writing other people's muses for ask memes or drabbles lmao

this is not a scheme for me to make you just adopt rex so i dont have to deal with him anymore please just take him i dont want him you can have him

YESSS YEAH WHOOP YEEHAW YIPPEE YEAHOOOO YEAH WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH HIP HIP HOORAY WHOOP WHOOP!!!!!!

thank you felix i am very sane and normal about this (lie)

HONESTLY this is all a ploy to adopt rex so i can steal him off you and finally rule supreme and by that i mean im giving him some soup and not torturing his ass ever again

[arctic-urpo]

Hiya hiya, it’s time for me to properly talk abt LRTN - because I’ve talked about it here and there but nothing clear and concise abt my situation and my plans to continue etc, and in general it’s been on my mind. This will be 99% just explanation of my past, uh, over half a year though because this has also affected my friendships with people outside of this too and just, idk, I don’t like saying I feel like I owe an explanation bc I rly don’t, people have been kind and understanding and I appreciate it.

But I want to explain so if you wanna know why I haven’t been writing or answering messages, you should probs find the answer under the cut!!! Warnings though that I’m gonna be talking abt rly personal stuff and some kinda heavy things too, so no need to feel pressured to read! This is meant for those who want answers and not as a plea for attention or anything ^^;

Anyways....

I feel like I should start with the fact that most people following me and LRTN probs know already, but I have struggled with mental illness for.... a long time, half my life in fact. It isn’t something I came here to talk about, but it is related to tons of abuse from multiple sources etc. So please keep an open mind reading!

Anyways so over half a year ago, in November 2017, first of all NaNo happened. I could balance that out with LRTN, at first, but then in the mid of the month I started this uh, work practice experience thing. My vocabulary in English fails me here but, basically, it was this government funded project to help young people get into working life/back to “”””normal life”””” so basically rehab work. It was in a flower shop, owned by my grandma’s friend.

The work experience itself was incredibly pleasant, I loved the job and I loved my boss and she was rly nice to me all the time. But it was time and energy-consuming. And another problem with the work was that - as most of u probs know, I’m a trans guy. But I’m not out to my grandma yet bc she’s very religious and my mom has been so worried for my safety so... Anyways, so I couldn’t obviously be out in the workplace either. And my grandma would visit daily and it was mentally really rough for me.

To also explain, I have bad agoraphobia to begin with. I’m deathly scared of public spaces, wide places, strange people, talking to people and 99% of the time I can’t even go outside alone. Which was what this work was trying to give me rehab for. And it helped, it really did! But my grandma.... made it so much more difficult to manage my mental health bc it was an extra stress factor constantly. She has a way of words to make me feel useless too so, I kept feeling inadequate constantly when she was there and like I was doing things wrong.

Anyways!! That’s for the work part! But also, in the beginning of me starting work there, my friend’s dog who I had taken care of a lot and who was a huge part of my life, passed away sadly. I started seeing nightmares every night and losing sleep rapidly. I used to sleep 8-10 hours each night, but back then I started sleeping 4-6 and that’s continued up to this day and it’s been.... completely exhausting me. I’ll probs talk abt that more in detail but. To continue to this situation:

So, all in all, there was way too many things going on at once that November-December. Add onto that the holiday season which had a lot of relatives - a lot of my grandma too - and it has always been a bad time of the year for me. I managed to hang on by spending time with friends - a friend came to visit me for almost two weeks and that helped me keep myself together.

But also, I was supposed to look for another place to work at through this whole time, because my grandma’s friend had promised to take me only for the Christmas season bc after that she just wouldn’t have work for me due to a quiet season. I did apply for a few places but.... I couldn’t bring myself to put myself completely to it bc of all the phone calls which scare me just as much as going outside.

Anyways, Christmas comes and goes, I’m still somehow hanging on, and then we go on a trip with my friends. It was an amazing trip, I had fun with them, most of them live in other cities so I don’t see them often so I loved seeing them....!!

And then I went back home. Back home into my messy apartment, where I realized I’m almost always alone. And I had a huge breakdown. I stopped eating properly for a while - I can’t exactly give proper dates after this bc it’s been kind of ongoing with various intensity after that..... I go through periods of not eating, I haven’t been able to start sleeping bc I find it so hard to go to sleep, I keep waking up from nightmares - nightmares of various subjects, not rly abt by friend’s dog even but just... all sorts of bad things. 

And I haven’t had the energy to talk to anyone, keep up any relationships. There’s only one group chat where I talk daily, the group of friends I went on a trip with who I’ve known for years now. And even to them, I don’t talk privately! It’s only the group chat! Other group chat I talk semi-actively in is the group of friends in my city, who I go to shop with etc but... Again it’s only semi-actively that I manage to talk there either.

As you may guess, I couldn’t find a new place to work in the beginning of the year. After the trip, I went through weeks without answering any phone calls - my therapist helped me call off the rehab work bc clearly it wasn’t the best option anymore. But that sparked all sorts of money problems that have plagued me since then, and let’s just say things haven’t been great on that front. 

Middle of all of this, I did figure out I had a huge fear of silence, so I need to constantly have videos, games, music, something running so that there is noise. I also need to have something to do to distract my thoughts even further or I’ll start to spiral into negativity.......

I do go through periods of creativity, but it only sparks on the drawing front. So to get on the topic of LRTN! I haven’t written anything proper since November. I’ve started a few background stories for DnD OCs and I can’t even finish those! I write maybe a page and I have to drop it bc I can’t stand the silence, having only me and music and no video or game or anything. (As for why I don’t watch vids while writing, I can’t concentrate on writing if I hear like, speech or smth similar. I can’t listen to rap either when writing bc it’s too distracting.)

But kind of with writing and esp with LRTN has been the problem that, the longer time goes on, the more daunting it feels to return to it!!! I’m already in the spot that I would need to reread LRTN to continue writing it (to remember all the plot things planned and the characterization etc) and!!! I do plan on doing that!!! But I can’t, I just can’t take the silence while I’m reading so I’ve kind of been putting it off and off. For way too long. I’m trying to figure out a way around this, but I DO MEAN TO RETURN TO LRTN!!! That is certain!! I do intend to finish it, I need to get the story out after planning it for so long!!!

But that’s kind of the status quo on the LRTN’s part, I want to continue and with each kind comment my heart just keeps breaking bc  I just want to write it so bad!!!! I want to continue!!!! But I’m just so stressed out from the loneliness and silence that I can’t bring myself to write!!! 

But yeah I’m not saying this seeking answers, this is my personal problem and no one needs to feel bad abt any of this or feeling like you’re pressuring me. All the comments are rather just so kind and inspiring that I feel like the luckiest guy from time to time. So thank you to everyone, the commenters and ALSO ESPECIALLY FRIENDS who have been so understanding and nice and been by my side even when I’ve locked myself up from everyone just to cry and weep over how much I suck....

Anyways to kind of give a status update on what this breakdown has even been abt and why it’s been making me distance myself, it’s bc I’ve been dealing with feelings of worthlessness, fearing abandonment and also just not having plain energy to answer and then feeling like it’s scary to answer after so long has passed without me saying anything. I feel like I’m constantly late.

Also, to current situation, my mental health has been on the rise, which is why I’m talking about this in the first place bc I have the energy to explain properly! On the... life front though, my life has been kind of a void of me waking up, playing mobile games, not eating much, not sleeping much, and kind of being just a messy waste of space. My apartment is a mess, my financial situation is even more of a mess still bc the depression is making me waste any extra money on stupid stuff and then me sacrificing food and such to save money for rent etc. I was also declared “unfit to work” by the government on another paper but “fit to work” on another so now I’m kind of in the space where I’m not actually capable of working fulltime by my health but also being forced to work bc I don’t have the ~right diagnosis’~ to not work.....

SO!! It’s been kind of a whirlpool of stress!!! Anyways idk how to end this huge rant, thank you if you read all of this and I hope this shed some light on the situation????

If u ever wanna reach out to me, I still don’t answer private messages well but you’re free to try and I’ll try to answer to my best abilities, but I feel like asks are the easiest way to reach out to me right now bc those I do get to eventually bc they don’t feel as personal and so scary for my socially anxious mind, idk!!! But thank u for reading, for understanding and for caring abt dumb old me!!!!

[kaizckuou]

Hello! I’m ESSY and it’s nice to meet you! thank you for your attention! rules might be long and scary, but there’s nothing like that I promise! I’m 24, I prefer SHE/HER and english isn’t my first language, but I try my best! feel free to come to my inbox or DMs or ask for discord. 

GENERAL

mun =/= muse

This is an indie private & highly selective MULTI-MUSE RP blog featured muses from One Piece, Boku No Hero Academia and Avatar: The Last Airbender. this blog is LOW-ACTIVE by default bc I’m hopping between this blog and other hobbies. this blog is private & highly selective that means I’ll only RP with mutuals. non-mutuals are free to send me asks about my metas / headcanons / portrayal. personals who follow this blog will be blocked for my own comfort.

DUPLICATES? I’M FINE WITH THEM! Give me all the siblings/twins/etc. au I dare you.

This blog is multi-verse & multi-ship, AU | OC | CROSSOVER FRIENDLY.

This blog is not spoiler free & it can contain NSFW & trigger content like violence, death, etc. more about it you can read under ‘NSFW & triggers’.

Don’t reblog my ic / ooc / headcanon stuff if you’re not a part of it.

I always read rules, but I don’t send in passwords. there’s no password as well.

I don’t rp through dms/discord.

FOLLOW / FOLLOW BACK

I will only follow & follow back RP blogs if they have rules & about pages (an about page is a must if you’re an OC blog). usually, it can take me A WEEK to follow you back. if you don’t follow me back in a week, I unfollow you.

reasons why I won’t follow you back:

you don’t have a rules page (I will only follow your blog if it doesn’t have rules when I went through your blog and thought I’d really like to interact with you)

your rules page is hidden that good I can’t find it

you’re an OC RP blog & you don’t have an about page

you reblog / post too many posts & don’t tag them at all (sorry, but I want to keep my dash clean & comfortable)

you don’t cut your posts

you post any kind of hate / drama / guilt tripping / etc.

you rp and / or support such things like rape, pedophilia, etc.

you made your underage muse older to rp smut

godmodding

you’re a multi-muse blog with too many muses for me that makes me uncomfortable

you rp a gender-bent muse

I don’t see our muses interacting

FANDOMS / MUSES I WON’T FOLLOW

(if you’re a multi-muse blog with muses from one of these fandoms it’s fine as long as you don’t spam with their content) for my own comfort, I decided not to follow blogs from these fandoms / oc muses with face claims from these fandoms. I’m just not interested in rping with them or / and have some personal issues with seeing them on my dash. there’s nothing about you.

bungou stray dogs

voltron

persona

danganronpa

star vs. the forces of evil

UNFOLLOW / BLOCK

If there’s a reason your blog makes me uncomfortable bc you break the rules & I decide to unfollow you I will soft-block you & I ask you to do the same! I don’t have to explain why I unfollowed you.

reasons why I will unfollow you:

over & over again I see you guilt tripping your mutuals to get their attention

you post any kind of hate / drama / etc.

you rp and / or support such things like rape, pedophilia, etc.

you made your underage muse older to rp smut

you post / reblog too many call-out posts

you rp a gender-bent muse

CALL-OUT CULTURE

you WON’T SEE ANY CALL-OUT POSTS on my blog. I don’t think it is drama, but I do think this culture is toxic and tumblr should get rid of it. not because I don’t care or something, I know you want to be safe and you want your mutuals to be safe, but because most of such posts I saw were turned into witch hunting. I do not mind if you reblog them, but I won’t do the same. if you want to know more about it or think I wasn’t good enough in explaining my opinion, read this post.

REBLOG KARMA

I don’t care about it. I always try to reblog things from their sources & I don’t mind if you reblog smth from me & don’t send anything. you don’t have to do it, it will make me feel you sent me smth only bc you reblogged it, tbh. don’t spam me with reblogs, tho.

FORMATTING

I don’t care if you use small text & fancy icons or not. usually, I do use icons & small text & sup & if you want to ask me to change smth in our interaction, come into my inbox, dms or discord.

INBOX & MEMES

If we’re mutuals, you’re free to spam me with memes as long as you want. I love memes, I adore memes, they are a good icebreaker. probs, I won’t answer them all, but it’s definitely not bc you annoy me. you don’t annoy me. I love when people spam me with memes. I just couldn’t come up with a reply.

Also, you’re always free to turn memes into threads. I love it. the only thing I ask is to make a separate post for it.

If we’re not mutuals you’re still free to ask me about my metas / headcanons / portrayal.

INTERACTIONS / THREADS & PLOTTING

I don’t reply to greeting starters, sorry.

I don’t mind to have multiple threads with the same mun.

The best way to start our interaction is to send me memes. sometimes I post starter calls, but that doesn’t mean I’ll write starters for everyone. usually, because I ran out of ideas & muse. mutuals are free to reply to my open starters.

I love plotting, but I suck at it. so, please come to plot ONLY if you have smth in your mind already.

Length may vary. one-liners, para, multi-para - everything is fine. it takes me much longer to reply to long posts, tho. keep it in mind, please.

and yes I’M SLOW, thanks.

SHIPPING

No force shipping.

CHEMISTRY. that is the most important thing to me in regards to shipping in general. Even if you have a muse for a ship that I like, that does not mean our muses will click. Not all ships have to be romantic, however! give me rivals, enemies, friends and I will adore you forever.

This is a MULTI-SHIP blog; that means there’s a chance I will ship with more than one muse of the same character if there’s chemistry. HOWEVER, if we’ve got a lot of development between our muses you can ask me to be ship exclusive with your muse. I’m totes fine with it.

Canon ships? fine. crackships? sure! the only thing - I prefer not to plot pre-established romantic relationship with OCs. friendship first and then we watch how it goes.

No adult/minor. you know what I mean.

I know, lots of people have this problem, but don’t be afraid to tell me if you ship our muses bc most likely that means I ship them too!

NSFW & TRIGGERS

Mun is 23, there WILL BE POINTS where NSFW happens. I will not be writing NSFW with anyone UNDER 18. no exceptions. failure to follow this rule will result in an immediate block.

Some of my muses are adults, but I doubt I'll ever write SMUT here. Not my thing, really. It might happen and if it does it'll be tagged and hidden under 'read more'. Obviously, no smut with minor muses.

I don’t have triggers myself, but triggers will be tagged as “______ //”. if there’s anything you really want me to know and want me to tag, please tell me! I want all my followers to be comfortable and feel safe, so never hesitate to whisper to me that you want something tagged.

MAINS & EXCLUSIVES

I WILL NOT do exclusives, but probably I WILL do mains at some point. canon and OC’s characters, but mostly it would be people I’ve already interacted with and I feel comfortable talking to.

Once again, I can be SHIP EXCLUSIVE if we’ve got a lot of development between our muses AND if you ask me so.

CREDITS

Borders I use for my icons aren’t mine, but ALL THE ICONS, PSDS & BLANKS I made myself, don’t be rude and don’t steal them.

icon border credit: x