#that futility is why she doesn't want to face the truth and it's the reason she threw her keys away

[tojiwrd]

thinking about shitty bf toji and ...

► toji would be so sweet at the beginning — not like, bringing you flowers every date n shit no. this man lives for the little ways to show u that he loves you i.e stopping in his tracks when you abruptly reach down to tie your laces in public when they untie, noticing how your face wash is running out, so he buys a new one when he goes to the store and the night after you run out and make a note to get a new one, you wake up n see that a brand new one is sitting next to the sink.

► but i also feel like toji is so ... difficult sometimes bc while he doesn't give you grand displays of affection and rarely ever tells you that he loves you, you know he does. but sometimes you need him to say it, and you need him to not untangle your intertwined fingers when you're walking together because he doesn't like showing affection in public.

► that would be a-okay if he did it in private, but he doesn't. two years or so into the relationship, you begin realizing that toji isn't truly yours to love because his heart lies in the cold hands of his ex-wife. he doesn't talk about her with you, but the times he did, he always claimed he was completely over her, that she's dead and nothing can be done.

► it should've been enough because he let you into his home and let you be a part of his bigger picture. he let you take care of megumi and play mother to him, but when toji hears sweet little megumi call you 'mom,' toji flips.

"toji, please," you said, trying to reason with him though it seemed all your attempts proved to be futile because he seemed as though he was wearing noise-cancellation headphones the way he barely looked at you while seething in anger.

he shook his head as if he was processing every single thought that crept into his mind. "how long have you been letting 'gumi call you that?" you moved your mouth to respond, but he cut you off. "don't fucking lie."

"this was the first time, i swear." truth. "toji, he's a kid."

"i know," he said, exasperation coating his voice. "i fucking know, y/n, that's why i don't need you making him think you are his mother."

you shouldn't have been surprised because yes, you weren't megumi's mother. but you were surprised because you went to megumi's school events and drove him to his friends' houses, you joined the parents' friend group and raised money for school fundraisers because toji asked you to, and you ironed megumi's clothes and made sure to place him on his chair every night so he wouldn't have to worry about his uniform before school.

"no matter how many times you cook for megumi or play mother at his conferences, you aren't. stop giving him the wrong impression."

"i know." you couldn't say anything else.

"you aren't his mother." he struck a blow. "you aren't even my wife." the tears began building up behind your closed eyes, but he continued. "i don't want you to be my wife. you're not a part of this family the way you think you are."

[the-sol-eater]

Do you have any theories about David and Arei’s convo in the relaxation room? Since I do think it’s most important for David and especially Arei (if Ace’s account is 100% true) since I feel the moment is important for her arc before she ended up dying.

Hello anon! I apologize for the late reply to your ask, I've been writing up a lot of different posts + It was hard for me to come up with a theory for what you asked, cause this is a part of the trial I don't necessarily think about a lot. But I'll try my best for you! Before we get into it though, I guess I should start off by saying that like you alluded to in your ask, we don't even know if Ace is telling the truth or not. Both him telling the truth and not telling the truth have inconsistencies in their logic that we simply do not have enough information to confirm or deny. That being said, however: I personally do think that Ace is telling the truth about David and Arei's conversation. For one, from Ace's perspective, I don't necessarily see the logic in telling a lie. Ace isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he is very aware of how others feel about him.

(x) Ace: Ooohhh, I get it. Ace: You all think I'm damaged in the head. I got that. But more than that... Ace: Levi, Teruko, Nico, Veronika, and everyone else. You all think you can say whatever the fuck you want to my face, right? Ace: I'm stupid, irritating, a good-for-nothing, and a spineless coward. Ace: Is that what everyone really thinks about me? And it's fine that you drill it into my head over and over again, because you think that I'll forget about it in 5 minutes like you do?

Hell, him waiting until he's basically the main suspect to release his alibi most likely hints that he knew that the cast wasn't going to believe him (which he was right, most didn't), and if that really was his thought process, why would he lie when he knows the cast will most likely not believe him anyway? The second reason as for why I think Ace is telling the truth with his testimony is because of this

(x) David: My secret is that I have a family history of depression. Veronika: My, coming right out with it. Arei: ... David: The reason you're all fighting... It's because you're stressed from this killing game, right? More specifically, stressed over this motive.

I recommend watching the actual clip because it's hard to capture what I mean in just text, and I fear this might be a slight asspull, but at the same time I have learned that DT-Dev doesn't just include dialogue to fill space, everything a character says, even if it's just ellipsis, more than likely has a purpose behind it. So why is Arei shown to say nothing in response to David, instead of just cutting to David's next line after Veronika's? To me personally, I think it was to show Arei's understandable confusion at David saying a secret that wasn't the one she saw. So I do think that Ace was telling the truth with what he saw. That does open up a few question marks, like why Ace didn't hear anything after a certain point despite being literally right near the door, but I assume those will be filled in as time goes on if he really is telling the truth. With that cleared up, I think we should get to what you actually want to hear anon: What happened during the conversation itself. Something about David is that when he is interrogated, especially of something that goes against his image, he has one of two reactions: A) he'll shoo the person away, acting dismissive and blunt

(x) Teruko: Then which one is yours? Tell me, since you're all about sharing secrets-- David: Seriously, will you shut up already? David: ...Please?

or B) he'll completely double down

(x) David: I'm a lying, manipulative, scumbaggy piece of shit. Is that what you all wanted to hear?

(x) David: Tch. Listen to me. I'm not the killer-- David: ... David: [Sigh] David: I know when to give up. Like I said, I don't want to end up like Min. Futilely fighting a war that I can't win. David: Tch. Fine. David: Hahaha... David: Ahahahaha!! Oh, fucking fine. David: I... David: I killed Arei. David: Does hearing that make you happy?

(honestly the last 17 minutes of ch2-11 can be described as david doubling down, but these are the main two examples.)

Personally, I think David ended up doing both in the Arei conversation. At first he tried to dismiss her accusations, but since Arei is an incredibly stubborn person, he ended up doubling down on them, most likely acting very similarly to how he does in the latter half of CH2-11. This would most likely follow up with an argument between David's philosophy that no one will ever change and that people are born either good or bad people, and Arei's newfound desire to become a good person after bullying and manipulating others for so long, a hope that David gave her. Both of the people in this scenario are very much guided by their emotions, and said emotions are very high by the time Ace's flashback is cut off. I'd say it's an inevitability. As for what would happen after that, I'm not entirely sure. But those are the predictions that I'm sure about. If anyone has something to add, than please do so in the notes. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you so much for the ask!

[mc-critical]

Hatice really went through the wringer in E12. From desperately trying to put a barrier between herself and Ibrahim as she's already resigned herself to her fate and can't allow anyone else to know that there is (or has been) something between them and for something bad to happen to them both, to him worst of all; if she does this to him, she wouldn't stand it, wouldn't stand herself, to witnessing something bad actually happen, the worst possible thing, them being revealed and Ibrahim being brought to literal execution by her own brother, even further confirming her suspicion that no one understands her, that no one cares even though she cares so much for them, to her letting out her distress in an unrelated situation (that still adds to it) instead of internalizing it or sharing it with Gülfem or Ibrahim himself, transforming it into stormy, sweeping fury for the order and peace she craves and believes in: Mahidevran and Hürrem have to set an example just like she does, she won't let them disrupt everything, she won't lose that too, to having to reassure Mahidevran that she isn't mad at her and has her back while still dealing with her own rising yet again anxiety (and I think she lets herself give even that slightest hint of something else agitating her to Mahidevran both because it keeps lying on the very back of her mind and because Mahi showed the most direct support of her and Ibrahim by meeting them back in E09, so maybe she'd get it and leave her alone), to learning that Ibrahim is alive after all and sighing few sighs of relief, to discovering that Ibrahim wasn't just "spared" but elevated instead right when she was about to return to the already accepted routine duties (choosing silk for the wedding) and this brings her joy at first, a joy which she has a chance to share with Mahidevran as well, but after this initial euphoria passes... she doesn't know what to feel as the wedding matter hasn't ceased looming over her, to thus keeping appearances in front of Hürrem who proposes help as a sign of support in spite of how she herself feels about Ibrahim and his new position, but Hatice can't take it precisely due to how conflicted she is right now (everything seems to get better, but there still isn't much hope on the horizon - what are the odds for such a devasting scenario as yesterday's not to happen again?? His majesty doesn't know about her and Ibrahim now, but what if she nudges at that even a little, what if slips up only for moment?? What if he somehow learns then??) and puts on a mask of completely embracing the future that would await her, to checking on the sick Mustafa, concerned about another person she loves so dearly, to finding out about Mehmed Celebi's tuberculosis at last and getting her spirits and hopes up for once, immediately rushing to SS (and even nodding to Ibrahim with a smile on the way) to see for herself whether it's actually true, is the wedding really canceled, to facing the bitter, harsh truth that SS will merely postpone it, fully believing that the marriage will make Hatice happy (on rewatch I genuinely cannot believe the amount of times Hatice hinted at not wanting to marry, with SS and Hafsa either brushing it off or taking it in the exact opposite way), to engulfing herself in this pain even harder as now she won't only lose the future she aches for but this marriage will also be a stark reminder of the reason why the very idea of that future overtook her in the first place: with Mehmed Celebi's sickness, she would relive her past trauma all over again, she would be fully trapped in a cycle of mysery that would forever repeat, with any consolation she seems to be getting being futile.

[That last part also brings me to the parallel rapport between Gülfem and Ayşe Hafsa throughout the episode that I absolutely love; from the little scene where Hafsa and Gülfem bond a bit over Hatice's pain after Valide reprimands Gülfem for asking is the wedding done for indeed, to the two parallel scenes where Hatice is comforted by Hafsa and Gülfem respectively, both cementing that they have a totally different understanding of said pain — Gülfem truly is all too familiar with what Hatice's going through, relating and differentiating it from her own past turmoil {she is all too aware of that sinking feeling of loss and "couldn't even tell the person she loved that she loves him" (which I believe indicates that she's been with Süleiman for a very short while before she lost her child, that she lost it all before it could even fully develop, which made her hurt all the heavier and even more fatal), something that Hatice also struggles with more metaphorically (she's made her feelings quite clear to Ibrahim himself, she can't let the world know about them), but she's also found solace in the people that took her under her wing, the people she's found after she thought she had nobody, the people that apparently will care if something happens to her, at least they should be worth it; and she advices Hatice to do the same.}, while Hafsa has realized that she isn't (E08, E09) and that the only thing she can do is assume and comfort her however she can (and after the tuberculosis matter came to the fore, she became uneasy and aimed to stop the wedding unlike Süleiman who wanted to continue it and thought merely about not rushing a decision as a padişah, ensuring only what he thinks is Hatice's wellbeing, never willing to see otherwise; Hafsa's first thought was Hatice and what would such a spouse mean for her, not hesitating to talk to Süleiman about that too, so while she doesn't have the full picture either, she can still get her better as a mother).]

[twilighttheater-archive]

x - @heroftruth

Kyurem watches her rigidly while she explains herself. Once again out here looking for him for whatever reason, he'll give her credit though, she's got nerve to be coming back as much as she does. Especially when he does nothing but be hostile to her presence, or laugh at the absurdity of it. Imagining that disappointed look on his brother's face every single time just never gets old.

His thought process grinds to a screeching halt hearing her speak however. What.

"I'm not," he insists, rather futilely while crossing his arms. "You're just accident prone, and I don't want to get dragged to the hospital again over you."

There he goes again, lying to the Hero of Truth herself. He knows he didn't need to go, in fact he almost didn't. He would also not need to go if anything was to happen to her again, but she would have been hurt yet fucking again on his watch.

Part of him would've felt guilty about that, but he doesn't want to give that thought the time of day. But then why stop her if he was trying not to play a human babysitter?

"You found me anyway, congrats." He adds on dryly, trying to avoid the topic. "You look like you're freezing out here."

[discordiansamba]

lee can't bring himself to look at jin.

they've been dating since he was sixteen. they've been married for almost two decades. they've had three kids together. they run his tea shop together. they'd been planning to spend their entire lives together- watching as their children had children. passing the tea shop down to one of them. growing old together. he's always had such a clear cut path in front of him.

his life always seemed so simple.

"when we first met," jin slowly asks after an eternity of silence, "-were you still...?"

he thinks so. he can't say for sure. his mind is telling him that yes, he was lee then. he's always been lee- but he knows that's not true. he can't trust himself. the logbook says they'd met prior, so it must be true. lee remembers having an awkward dinner together. he'd tried to juggle for some reason. then they'd gone to see the firelight fountain together, and they'd shared their first kiss.

he asks jin if she remembers that.

she does. only...

"the lanterns weren't lit when we got there," jin says, "-you asked me to close my eyes for a few seconds. when I opened them, they were."

lee stares at her, because he doesn't remember that at all. he was pretty sure the lanterns had been lit when they'd arrived. he puts his head in his hands, and lets out a bitter laugh. because not only is that proof that everything written in that logbook must be true, but... spirits.

he'd lit those lanterns by firebending, hadn't he?

"lee-" jin says softly.

"-my name's not lee," lee says, "-apparently."

jin pulls his hands away from his face. she brushes back his bangs, cupping the left half of his face. he forces himself to meet her eyes. they've known each other forever, but she's also never really known him. he's never really known himself. somehow she manages to quirk a grin, and says she'd really managed to marry up if she'd nabbed herself a prince.

lee snorts. he can't help himself.

he doesn't feel like a prince. he's just lee. he runs a tea shop in the middle ring of ba sing se. he's ordinary in every way. he's been told he's one of the best tea brewers in the city, so he has that going for him at least. he tentatively asks jin to call him zuko, but when she does, it just doesn't sound right. it's not his name.

jin asks him what he wants to do. lee has no idea. his entire life is a lie- except, that's not really true, is it? it was a lie, but he's turned it into truth. everyone in this city knows him as lee. he's lived in ba sing se for longer than he ever would have lived in the... it's the caldera, right? that's where the fire nation capital is? spirits, he should probably at least study fire nation history a little more, if nothing else.

...he's been lee longer than he ever was prince zuko.

it's a sobering thought. he tries to think back. tries to pinpoint the exact moment when he'd opened his eyes and was lee for the first time. it's a futile effort, but he tries anyways. it had to have happened at some point when he was sixteen, after the fall of ba sing se. he remembers being forced to serve princess azula and her two friends tea.

before then, maybe.

he pinches the bridge of his nose, thinking back on it. princess azula had complimented him on being so polite and well-mannered. for knowing his place. most peasants these days don't seem to. he was always perfectly polite and well-mannered with those above his station- including his close friends. he quite literally could not help himself. the logbook detailed that this was a personal request from princess azula.

...who was his sister. apparently.

"this is so messed up," lee says, then glances at jin, "-how are you not contemplating divorce right now?"

jin leans over the table, and kisses him. she loves you, that's why. come to bed with her, lee. rest up. you can face this fresh tomorrow. lee sighs and lets her lead him into their bedroom- though he makes sure to take the logbooks with them, tucking them away in their dresser. they won't tell the kids. not yet.

(tomorrow he'll wake up and make breakfast for everyone like usual. get dressed in earth kingdom green like usual. braid his hair in earth kingdom style like usual. open the tea shop like usual. he half-expects the usual will feel all wrong.

it doesn't.)

still thinking about the bad end variant of the lee from the tea shop au and just. it's been years since the gaang met lee for the first time. he might not have gone on an adventure to save the world with them, but he's become their friend all the same during the time they've known him. his tea shop is a safe haven in ba sing se, away from their duties. away from all the political intrigue.

then katara sees his scar, and it turns everything on its head.

katara's so shocked that she doesn't say anything to him in the moment- and no one else saw it. lee's wife literally just gave birth. she holds it in desperately, until it's finally time to go. toph immediately demands to know what's got her heart racing like an ostrich-horse, so she tells them.

lee's scar looks exactly like zuko's.

it clicks when she says it. that's why lee has always felt faintly familiar. he's zuko. she wants to be angry. did he hide his identity from them on purpose? but he's so... different. it's been over twenty years since they saw zuko last, but he couldn't have possibly changed that much during that time, could he? she can't imagine the prince zuko she knew settling down and peacefully running a tea shop.

something's not right.

they pour over the dai li's records. sokka's the one who finds the logbook in code. it's accompanied by several others, but the dates in this one match up to after the fall of ba sing se. sokka spends a few weeks decoding the logbook, carefully transcribing the it into a separate volume. he doesn't get very far before he has to stop, hurling out the contents of his lunch into a bucket.

katara's right. lee is zuko. or he was.

sokka decodes the entire thing in one day. he doesn't want to have stop and come back to it later. everything in it is awful. tui and la- he didn't even like zuko, but he doesn't deserve this. to be rewritten into a completely new person, with new memories and a new personality? it's horrifying. it makes sokka's skin crawl. the way the person keeping the records writes about it is even worse.

the bulk of the logbook is from the four years after the fall of ba sing se. after that, it was only ever updated periodically- small updates. the last entry before the drop off simply says that the brainwashing is no longer simply permanent- it is self-sustaining. the subject's brain is now inventing its own answers to questions he asks about their past- answers which were not provided for him. the alteration is now complete.

i have good reason to believe it is irreversible, it says.

once he's done, sokka shoves the transcribed version on the others, and lets them deal with it. he collapses in bed- and it's only exhaustion that lets him sleep. when he wakes up, he just has to take one look at everyone's face to know they've read it- and told toph about the contents, judging from her equally green look.

zuko wasn't their friend.

lee is.

...how can they possibly face him now that they know the truth?

[lord-radish]

I love lyrics that call back to earlier in the song/album. February by Dar Williams is a masterclass on the subject, having two meaningful echoes in the same song.

The song is like this Russian nesting doll of misery, it hits a low point and then the bad stuff from earlier comes back up and gets resolved. I don't think I've heard a song do it quite like this.

First, the outer layer of the nesting doll - the keys:

The inciting incident, and the resolution that brings the story to a close - the beginning and the end. Throwing them away and getting them back is kind of like a framing device.

Then there's the next layer of the doll - flowers:

When you're in a long-term relationship, romantic or otherwise, I think people intentionally numb themselves to things that bug them about the other person. These lyrics remind me of that - they begin neglecting the flowers they planted, and the neglect and denial gets to such a point that they just refuse to acknowledge the existence of flowers altogether. The flowers are no longer a problem, because flowers don't exist - out of sight, out of mind.

So when flowers come back up and the narrator can't remember what they are - one of the pair wants to face the reality of them being there and the other doesn't. It's that breaking point where you have to face the existence of whatever the flowers represent, whether you want to or not, or where you choose to keep living in total denial. And this relationship reaches that breaking point between reality and denial.

And it's after that breaking point that we get that second part about keys:

I read a YouTube comment a while ago that spoke about how the "new lover" could be the same lover from the beginning who's reformed. But personally, I think the leaves changing (i.e. fall) denotes a significant time shift, and the new lover is a new lover after the narrator has had some time to move on.

I'm biased towards that reading because frankly, this analysis reminds me of my former best friend. And I'm at the point where I'm getting new keys to the house, and my former friend isn't the one getting them made. So I'm inclined to believe that old lovers and new lovers are separate people, because that's applicable to my own life.

Anyway this post spun out of control, I just wanted to talk about how cool it is to have such a rich, self-contained narrative in a single song. To have these callbacks that work so well in the span of five minutes is just really masterful and I love this song to pieces.

[latetheff]

Late - Chapter 1

Turn Back Time

Chris Evans x Becky London Raiting: Mature Warnings: This is a grown up kind of story, people will make mistakes, do stupid shit and possibly treat each other in not the best way - if this is a problem for you, I advise you not to read. Other than that, I'll try to tag everything, if you see something that might be trigging and it's not tagged, please, let me know.

A/N: It would be great to read you opinion about this fic!

Is the past a happy place even when it is full of problems? Cause she’s not sure if it’s okay to want back so much a relationship that didn't even work. The short time they’ve been together is a confusing memory - everything was just too much. They had fun, they were absolutely delighted to be in each other's company and they clicked just so amazingly - the kiss, the hugs, the sex - it was just perfect. Everything but her jealousy. And her lack of communication skills. And the fact that she would lie and try to hurt him for hurting her - even if he wasn’t even aware of it. Yeah, she sucks pretty bad.

Becky learned very soon that things wouldn’t function between them. He’s prince charming in person and the only royal thing about her is the spoiled way she was raised. She didn’t consider herself an arrogant person, but she’s aware of all the things she should be able to do to be considered a competent adult and how far away from it she is. At first, she thought she would try and catch up, but the fact that he’s so independent and self-sufficient got her intimidated and she only knows how to fix her problems in a destructive defensive way. To be with him was an exercise in facing her own futility. She was certain the only reason for him to want her is her beauty, fame, intensity, cause she assumes she has nothing else to offer.

She’s talented - that’s something she believes in and the contracts and buzzing around her confirms it - so she puts all her energy into it. Since the break, all she did was work. Now when she looks back at the phone and sees his text, she feels tired like she’s been running and holding her breath for years, although it took only two corridors and an elevator ride. Entering the hotel room, she hurries to the bed, taking out her sandals in the way, and sits, hugging a pillow.

She knows she should have worked on all the things wrong that got her out of that relationship 7 years ago, but she didn’t! She ignored everything and now it won’t work again! Not that she expected to ever have another chance with him, but she should have done it for herself! Instead, she jumped into work and blocked any kind of relationship reflection. This is as close as being able to turn back time but can she do things differently when she hasn't grown or learned anything? Is the weight on her shoulder enough to make her better and actually deserve another chance? Well, here goes nothing.

Hi. - great, very eloquent, she thinks

Can I call you? - Call her? Becky can’t deal with hearing his voice when the words alone are driving her nuts.

No. - Damn, what can she say to avoid this call and keep texting? He didn’t text anything back after her negative, probably imagining she didn’t want to have any contact with him. The truth, Becky, go with the truth.

I want to talk to you. Really. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to hear your voice.

Fuck, I thought you wouldn’t want to talk at all. How are you?

I’m in New York, I have an interview tomorrow and will be filming a campaign in two days. How are you?

Filming in Europe...looking at pictures of you like a lost puppy.

Why?

I’m not sure, I miss you.

I miss you too. I’m so sorry, Chris.

I’m sorry, darling. I wish I could turn back time and make it alright.

It wasn't your fault. At all.

I know it’s too late but I really want to talk to you and see if maybe the good things are still there, you know?

I would really like that too.

Let me call you.

Ok.

When he does, it’s a video call - not what she expected, but she accepts it anyway.

“Fuck, you look gorgeous” she hears him saying almost as if it’s a secret.

“You look tired” she whispers back, concerned about the weariness she can see in his eyes.

Chris gives her the most beautiful sarcastic smile before answering ”Thanks. It’s almost 4 am here, I couldn’t sleep.” He squinted his eyes trying to focus on a red stain on her pillow “Are you bleeding?"

“Oh, shit...yes.” Becky stands from the bed and hurries to the bathroom, taking the phone with her and placing it in front of the mirror as she gets her finger under the water, unaware of the way her dress is pulled to give him a view of her cleavage. “I cut my finger in a glass downstairs when you called and forgot to tend to it” the new information changes his attention away from the delicious curve of her breasts and all the flashbacks tempting him.

“What happened? Are you sure there’s no glass in it?” He asks worriedly, she can see his caring nature once again and it brings back a lot of good memories of the great guy he is.

“I was…” not sure if she should just say the truth and how she was about to fuck some essentially stranger; she looks down and closes the sink, toweling her hands “I want you back, Chris, but I don’t know if I deserve you.”

“Becky..” he tries to cut her but she keeps talking.

“No, that’s not true, I know I don’t. I wasn’t good to you back then and I didn’t work on my problems yet...You’re amazing, really, and I really do want you back, but I have to figure my mess out.”

“Darling, you talk as if you’re a monster. It didn’t work before but it doesn’t mean it was anyone’s fault...and anyway, we can talk and get everything straight. I really want to try again and if you want that too, the past doesn't matter much.”

She’s not sure if she agrees with his reasoning, but she wants to believe in it, in them. Smiling back at him, she gets the phone back and walks to the bed. “It’s been so long...we’ll have to get to know each other all over again.”

“I don’t mind that at all,” Chris tells her. “In fact, I look forward to it. Where are you living, darling?”

“I’m still with my parents...I mean, I’m never there so, it didn’t make sense to leave. You’re probably still in Mass, right?”

“Yep. New house, but yeah. I’ll be there in a month I guess...if it all goes well here. Are you able to visit?”

“I’ll make sure I am. You know this is one of the things I need to adjust in my life...I’m 32, I need to have my own house. I feel like I’m not even an adult, Chris...I don’t even drive! There you are trying to change the world and I can’t drive!”

He feels her getting anxious and the desire to hug her is so overwhelming that his eyes are filled with tears. “Babe, hey, it doesn’t matter. You’re 8 years younger than me. You have time to figure everything out and I’ll help if you let me. Don’t pressure yourself.”

“I miss you. One month you said?” she flirtatiously says.

“Yep,” he smiles, happy to know his feelings are being reciprocated. He tries hard but the yaws are not backing away anymore. She sees it and smiles softly at him, wishing she could be there to cuddle with him.

“Go to sleep, handsome. Call me tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I will. Hopefully this is not a dream.”

“Hopefully. I’ll wait for your call anyway.”

“Hey, I never asked where you were...you look really gorgeous.”

The call date was ending so well and this question will screw up everything. She wants him to go to sleep with a light heart and hope...not overthinking his decision of getting back together. So, she does one of the things that proves she’s not good enough for him. She lies.

“Photoshoot. I really need to take a bath and rest too. Good dreams, big guy.”

“Good night, babe.”

When they hung up, she threw herself back at the pillows - divided between opposite emotions - happiness for the new chance but disappointed with herself for ending the call with a lie. Old Becky says hi.

[spectraspecs-writes]

Leviathan - Chapter 106 (Rena)

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 105. Chapter 107.

A/N - Since there's been some confusion about it in the past, thought I'd make it clear here. Carth's narration is in orange text, if the orange doesn't show up please let me know but with tumblr's new post editor it should work. Bastila's narration is pink - my original idea was yellow but not only would that be illegible it's not an option. Same deal, if it doesn't show up let me know. Plus, I don't know if anyone watches the videos when I add them to chapters, but this one, you gotta watch this one.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @strangepostmiracle thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

When the elevator opens, I get… a horrible feeling. Like someone’s walking on my grave. And no one mourns me. Everything feels cold. Like that dream on Dantooine. I think Bastila shivers a bit but I don’t think Carth feels it. But how could I know, he’s blocked himself off from me. As we fight our way through to hangar control the feeling just gets worse and worse. Seeing the Hawk makes me feel a little better, but not for long.

I don’t want to be here. This is the only way to get to the hangar, but I don’t want to be here at all. I’m not ready. I don’t want to be here. I can’t calm down. It’s dark. And cold. I don’t want to be here.

The blast door opens. We didn’t move fast enough. It’s him. It’s Malak.

Carth starts to step forward with his blasters but I reach out my hand to stop him. My dream will not happen. I won’t let it. Malak laughs, and it sends a chill through me. And also a strong feeling of hatred. But it’s not a general hatred, like I would have if it was like “knowing the things you’ve done and what you stand for, I hate you.” This is a personal hatred. “I hope you weren't thinking of leaving so soon, Bastila,” Malak says. His voice is channeled through an apparatus on his chin. He has no jaw. “I've spent far too much energy hunting down you and your companions to let you get away from me now. Besides,” he says, looking at me, “I had to see for myself if it was true. Even now I can hardly believe my eyes… tell me, why did the Jedi spare you? Is it vengeance you seek at this reunion?”

I try not to be nervous, but I can’t help it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, “I’ve never met you, this isn’t a reunion.”

He laughs again. Over and over again. What in the goddamn hell is so funny? “What?” he laughs, “You mean you don't know? All this time, and you still haven't figured it out? I wonder how long you would have stayed blind to the truth? Surely some of what you once were must have surfaced by now.” “Once were”? I’m a scout, I’ve always been a scout. What the hell is going on? “Even the combined power of the Jedi Council couldn't keep your true identity buried forever, could it?”

… no. What? No. No that can’t be right. That’s not me. That can’t be me, I can’t be… Revan. No, I’m not. I wasn’t. That can’t be right. But it was my face! No. No that can’t be right. It’s not right. No. I look back at Carth. He can’t look at me. But this isn’t right! I’m not Revan! I can’t be. I remember being a scout!

Is that why all this felt so familiar? The Sith on the bridge - I knew them? Maybe? Is that why Jedi training went so fast? Muscle memory? I already learned how to use the Force and fight with a lightsaber. And why Master Zhar said I was a special case. Why the Star Map on Kashyyyk knew me. But…

… it isn’t right! No!

“You cannot hide from what you once were, Revan!” Malak says. Shut the hell up! “Recognize that you were once the Dark Lord - and know that I have taken your place!”

“No,” I say, “No, this isn’t right. Revan is dead.”

“You do not yet remember, Revan?” Stop calling me that! “The Jedi set a trap. They lured us into battle against a small Republic fleet. During the attack a team of Jedi knights boarded your ship. The Jedi strike team captured you and the Council used the Force to reprogram your mind; they wiped away your identity and turned you against your own followers!”

No. No it’s not true. It can’t be true. No. No. “No. No, it’s not true.”

“You must have seen flashes of your old life in your dreams, Revan; memories bubbling up to the surface? Surely you must remember the battle in which you were captured?” On Taris… but she said it was just a dream. A memory. Her memory. My memory… “How you survived the final battle is a mystery to me,” Malak says, “Perhaps you should ask Bastila; after all, she was part of the Jedi strike team that captured you!”

Yes. She was. She was there. I look at her. I hate her. “Bastila?”

“It’s true,” she says. I hate her. “I was part of the team sent to capture Revan… to capture you.” I hate her! “When Malak fired on the ship you were badly injured. We thought you were dead.” They should have left me. But if they left me, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t know Carth, or Jolee, or Canderous, or Mission, or T3, or anybody. But is that worth leaving a mass murderer alive? Is the fact that I’ve lived a better life away from the Dark Side worth all the lives Revan took? Am I worth it? “Your mind was destroyed, but I used the Force to preserve the flicker of life in your body. I brought you to the Jedi Council. They were the ones who healed your damaged mind.”

No. No. “But I have memories. I don’t remember Revan, but I remember a whole life. Planets I explored, species I discovered, stories to tell. I’m a scout!”

“The Jedi Council didn't restore your wounded mind, Revan!” Malak says, “They merely programmed it with a new identity - one loyal to the Republic! They tried to make you their slave!”

So… Bastila… I thought she was my friend! Or at least someone I could count on, someone I could trust! “You’ve been lying to me this whole time!”

“I wanted to tell you but the Council forbid it!”

“So once again you put an idea before a person!” I shout at her. I can’t help it - I hate her! “How could you justify that? How could you? How in your twisted mind could an idea be more important than a living breathing person?”

“They were afraid you might return to the dark side if you discovered your real identity!” she says, “You could have hurt more living breathing people!”

“But now you know the truth, Revan!”

I turn to Malak, and scream at him, “Shut the FUCK up! I’m not talking to you!”

He laughs. What part of “shut the fuck up” did he not understand? “And there is the Revan I remember! No longer holding back your rage!”

“What part of ‘shut up’ did you not understand?” I say. Even without a jaw, I can see his smug grin, but he leans back and crosses his arms. I turn my attention back to Bastila. “Why didn’t you just let me die?”

“For the same reason you are always concerned for the lives of others,” Bastila says, “The Jedi hold all life sacred, even that of a Sith Lord. I could not just let you die. Not if it was possible to save you.”

Malak laughs again. “Hiding the truth behind noble words,” he says, “The Jedi needed the memories buried deep in your wounded mind, Revan; there was no other way to bring them out. They had to keep you alive!”

I’m not listening to him. “And the new identity - why?”

“We couldn’t simply restore your true identity…”

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?”

“Revan was too dangerous - we couldn’t.” Sounds like “wouldn’t” to me. “But locked inside your mind was information the Republic needed: the secrets of the Star Forge. The Council created an identity for you: a scout transferred under my command. Your subconscious memories were supposed to lead me to the Star Forge; there was no other way to get the information.”

“They made you their puppet, Revan,” Malak says, “and Bastila was the handler pulling your strings!”

“Why you? Why are you here? Why did they choose you? You were my friend - why would you do this to me?”

“I used my Force powers to keep you alive on that bridge - it created our bond,” she says. That goddamned bond! “I convinced the Council that I could use that bond to draw out your memories and lead us to the Star Forge.”

“Tell the truth, Bastila,” Malak says, “you wanted to taste the Dark Side for yourself! You knew the only way the Council would permit you to explore the Sith's power was through Revan's lost memories!”

“No!” she says, “I wanted to help you, Revan.”

I scoff. “But you wouldn't mind helping yourself along the way, I bet.” After all, she thought this was an audition for masterdom - she’s looked for power before.

“Revan, I thought this mission would redeem you; that it would atone for your past crimes. How else could you be saved?”

No. No. “You used me! You and the whole Council! I trusted you! And you used me and lied to me the whole time!”

“Rena, Malak nearly killed you, but the Jedi Council gave you another chance to live! They gave you a chance to redeem yourself by defeating the Sith!”

“A rash and futile hope,” Malak says, “The Dark Side is too strong, my power is too great! Even my old master is no longer a match for me!” He turns to me. What was before anxiety and fear is now firmly rage and anger. At Bastila, at the Council, at Malak, at me. “A small part of me has always regretted betraying you from afar,” Malak says, “I always knew there were some who would think I acted out of fear, that I did not want to face you. But now fate has given me a second chance to prove myself. Once I defeat you in combat no one will question my claim to the Sith throne; my triumph will be complete!” He reaches out a hand, and Bastila and Carth are both immobilized. “The Jedi Council were foolish to let you live. I won't make the same mistake. We shall finish this alone in the ancient Sith tradition: master versus apprentice, as it was meant to be!”

I am. Absolutely. Done. Today has gone on long enough. I have had it. “You wanna know something?” I say, “This is, categorically, the worst day of my life.”

---

Damn it, Rena! If she hadn’t stopped me before, maybe I could have shot Malak and we wouldn’t be in this situation! And now she’s fighting Malak alone. She doesn’t stand a chance against him.

But why should I care? She’s a Sith Lord! She’s been a Sith Lord the whole time! Oh, she can claim she doesn’t remember all she wants, but how can I know she’s telling the truth? How can I trust her? She deserves everything she gets!

But… it’s Rena. My friend. I saved her life on Taris, she’s saved my life more than once, she’s always been there for me. She found Dustil. Turned him away from the Sith. I love her. She feels right. And I promised to protect her. And then…

No. I promised to protect Rena. This is Revan. Revan, who led us during the Mandalorian Wars, rallied Jedi to our side. Revan, who won the war for the Republic. Revan, who betrayed us all.

I can’t forgive Revan. But I can’t forgive Malak, either. Malak gave the order to attack Telos. And I- I don’t know if Revan had anything to do with it, but Malak definitely did. He deserves to die. And the war has been a lot worse since Revan was killed. Wiped. Whatever. And if that has anything to do with the two of them, Malak is clearly the worse of the two. He deserves to die. And I want to take revenge on Revan myself. For lying to me. For using me.

Was any of it real? Was she ever on the side of the Republic, the whole time? Did she even love me like she said? Or was it all a lie? Hell, for all I know, she wanted us to be here. Maybe she sent a transmission to Saul when I wasn’t looking. Maybe she really did join the Sith on Korriban.

But I saw into her head. That first night on Korriban, whatever she did, I saw into her head. It was strange, the whole experience, but it was like I saw her whole life. She told me - well, sort of told me - that she could never fall if I was there. That she wouldn’t. She couldn’t hurt me. She couldn’t do that to me. And that’s how she told me she loved me. I don’t think she meant to. It just sort of came out. And it showed me that I loved her. Something I didn’t want to think about, I guess. Especially not then - I was so focused on Dustil. And Morgana. She died five years ago and I was never able to get her off my mind. Before Rena. And when she showed me inside her head… it all made sense.

But what if all that was a lie? How can I believe anything she’s ever - Rena, look out! In a fraction of a second, she dodges Malak’s lightsaber. And I feel her in my head, like I did before - “Thanks, I got it.” It doesn’t feel like her, not like it felt before, on Korriban. On Korriban, it felt… I don’t know how to describe it. It was like… coming home after a long time. It was a warm full feeling. A good feeling. But this, now, feels completely different. She feels almost… cold. Dark. Rushed.

Maybe that’s just because she’s fighting, she’s focused. But I saw how she yelled at Bastila. And Malak. She’s not the same at all, is she? She’s not the same Rena. And she never will be again, will she? The woman I… the woman I thought I knew - she’s gone. It’s just Revan now.

---

This was not the way I hoped she would find out. I wanted her to find out in a safe place, surrounded by friends, no more battles to be fought. Perhaps after we’d found the last Star Map or before we went to the Star Forge. Of course I knew she would have to find out eventually. I knew that a fight with Malak was inevitable, and that he would reveal her true identity. I just did not want that to be the first time she heard it. I wanted her to hear it from me. I wanted to be able to answer all of her questions in a calm, safe environment, a place where she could express all of her feelings safely, and understand why the Council did this.

Being captured by the Leviathan was the last thing I expected. Everything was going relatively smoothly. I was concerned about Korriban, but Jolee told me she acted exemplary, a fine model of Jedi teachings. As much as usual, anyway. As I’ve told her before, her methods are unorthodox, and she has a tendency to act emotionally, but she is dedicated to the wellbeing of others. I’ve regularly seen her put the lives of others before her own, as have the others. I never knew Revan personally - when she and Malak left for the Mandalorian Wars, I sided with the Council - but from what I’ve gathered, “selfless” was not a word others would use to describe her. Revan and Rena have many things in common, but I don’t believe they are the same at heart. Rena certainly has her faults and her shortcomings as a Jedi, but I could never see her falling to the Dark Side.

I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t always so certain. Her feelings for Carth were concerning at first. As I said, I never knew Revan, but she had a reputation for hedonism, and Rena seemed quite the same at first. And not only that - her dueling on Taris concerned me, as well. She seemed very aggressive. But I came to learn I was mistaken in that assessment. She used dueling more to blow off steam than as an outlet for aggression.

Her identity was a mystery to me at first. I knew that the Council put her under my command, but beyond that they seem to have taken quite a few liberties in explaining her knowledge. She has a number of specifics when it comes to being a scout or ecology. And I don’t know where her crusade against Czerka came from. Perhaps these details came from Revan’s memory, and the Council just changed the explanation. Perhaps the identity was someone else, someone who died in the war, or someone from the archive memory. I had only met her briefly before the attack on the Endar Spire, and I doubt it was an encounter she’d remember. She was up late, fixing a droid. If I hadn’t known her voice I wouldn’t have recognized her. Most of what I knew about her came from a datapad, at first.

It took a long time before I stopped calling her Revan. I of course never said it out loud, but there were many times when I thought to myself, “Why is Revan doing that?” or “That is not something I expected from Revan,” or “Revan is getting on my nerves.” It wasn’t until Dantooine, during her month of retraining, that I began to think of her as Rena and not Revan. I never knew Revan, but Rena is my friend. And I don’t have many of those. It’s a complicated friendship, certainly, and we have our fair share of disagreements. But part of friendship is how you deal with those disagreements.

Although, I wonder if that friendship is over now. Not because of how her true identity was revealed, although that certainly doesn’t help. I know she disagrees with me, but the Jedi are more than simply an idea. The Jedi are the only thing holding the Dark Side at bay. Without the Jedi, the galaxy would descend into darkness, beyond hope, possible beyond salvation. Certainly that is more important than any individual. If saving Revan will defeat Malak, I have no regrets. If Carth suffering Admiral Karath’s torture would have aided the Republic, then I would consider that an acceptable loss. I wouldn't enjoy it, of course, but if it was necessary I would find a way to live with the consequences. And I gather Revan would have felt the same. But Rena doesn’t. Perhaps they are more dissimilar than I thought.

Rena reaches out to kick Malak, but before she makes contact, Malak whisks her into a Force whirlwind and runs. A coward, as he has always been.

---

Asshole! I could see it in his eyes, I was making progress, I was making a dent, and he runs!

I could just let him go. This is not going to be the last time we meet. It can’t be. The Star Forge is still out there. And Malak would like nothing more than to get rid of me now. I’m a problem, and the only way to stop me from being a problem is to kill me. I have no intention of dying today, if only because I need to give the Jedi Council hell. I don’t want to think about that now, though, if I think about that now I’m going to have a fucking panic attack. So that’s that. I’m going to wait for Carth and Bastila to unfreeze, and then we get to the Hawk and go. Easy.

But it could never be that simple, could it? Malak would not leave any avenue for me to just go. And even if he did, that wouldn’t be the end of the fight. Maybe there’s a tracker on the Hawk. Maybe he’ll follow us to Manaan. I have no idea how this will end, but it won’t end well.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what this feeling is in the pit of my stomach, but I hate it. Oh. Wait. That’s what it is. Nope, I don’t want to think about that now. I need a hug. But Carth is still frozen, assuming he could even trust me again. Nope, not thinking about that. I touch Carth’s hand, at least, looking for a little comfort. And he lets me read him. He hates it. God, that’s a horrible feeling. Nope, don’t want to think about that. Focus on the Sith Lord.

I think I saw Malak go through the door in front of me, rather than left or right. But it’s locked. Why? Why is he making this difficult? Let’s try finding another way into that corridor. Door on the right. There’s another door on my left that should lead to where Malak is, but it’s locked, too. Jesus, dude, really? Okay, keep moving forward. Another door. Left turn. One more door that should lead to Malak, but it is also locked. Why, dude? Why? All this effort to prove you’re not a coward, but you’re acting pretty cowardly. I keep moving forward to the next door. Through that and after another turn there’s one more door that should lead to Malak. If this one is locked, too, I swear to fucking God…

It opens. There he is. Bastard.

---

I can feel Malak’s stasis hold slowly wearing off. It starts small at first. I can move my foot, just a little. Then it fades even more, and I can curl my fingers. Then it fades completely, and I can let my muscles relax for a moment. But only a brief moment. Rena is still fighting Malak. I can sense it. But his is not the only anger I feel. Carth is clearly not having the best day, to put it mildly. And as much as he’s trying to focus solely on Malak and getting to the Ebon Hawk, his thoughts are obviously clouded by Rena. Anger at her, and me, at the Jedi Council, but also confusion. And mistrust. Perhaps even some depression. Clearly there is sadness there. But how deep it goes is unclear.

“Damn it, Rena!” he swears at her, “She’s going to get herself killed, fighting Malak alone.”

“You still care about her, then,” I say. I did not expect his feelings for her to go away so quickly, but I did expect them to be mixed.

“Care, hell, I don’t think we’ll be able to find the last Star Map without her,” he says. No, that’s not quite right. But no matter. We have more important things to worry about. “I saw her go right, but the door closed and I have no idea where she went from there.” I saw that, too. “Can you sense where they are?”

“I can try.” I reach out with the Force. She’s close. And despite Carth’s concern, for lack of a better word, she would seem to be doing very well on her own. She’s certainly thinking about her identity, but she’s doing her best to focus on Malak. This fight isn’t going to end today. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but this fight is not going to end today.

A choice needs to be made. One of us isn’t going to make it out of here. And Carth’s right, the others need Rena to find the last Star Map. Revan found it on Manaan once before, and even if she doesn’t know it, Rena has the memory. A sacrifice needs to be made. My sacrifice. “We need to hurry,” I say, and we run through the center door. I only hope we’re not too late.

---

Malak moves fast. Almost too fast. I let myself react on instinct rather than using any particular form or thinking about my responses. I just let my mind go blank. Muscle memory. Memory. Memory. Nope, don’t want to think about that. Focus on this.

I’m not going to win this fight.

Malak reaches out a hand and suddenly I can’t move. God. No. No this can’t happen. Carth, if anything happens, I just want you to know I love --

“This isn’t over, Malak!” Bastila? They’re unfrozen. I’m not going to die today. But something’s not…

“Your friends do not give up easily, Revan,” Malak says, “You always could inspire loyalty. But even the three of you together cannot stand against my power!”

“For the Jedi!” Bastila shouts, and she throws her lightsaber at him. Malak starts to move towards her. I still can’t move, not yet. Focus, Rena, focus! Undo it! Do something! “I’ll hold Malak off!” she says, “You two get out of here! Find the Star Forge!”

“No, Bastila, he’s too strong!” Carth says, but she doesn’t change. “No!” She reaches out a hand and closes the door behind Malak, sealing them in. And suddenly I can move again, I don’t know how, but I can move. I’ve got to help her, I’ve got to get in there! I head for the lock, there’s got to be something I can do! Come on. Come on! “The door’s sealed, we can’t get past!” Carth says, trying to stop me, “Come on, we have to get to the Ebon Hawk!”

“No, we can’t, I have to help her!” I have to help her!

“Bastila doesn’t stand a chance against Malak, but we can’t help her. Not here.”

“I can’t let another person die!” I shout. I can’t. How many deaths did Revan cause? How many did Revan kill? I can’t do that again, I won’t have her death on my ledger, too!

“We have to get off this ship and find the Star Forge,” he insists, “That’s the key to beating Malak!”

“No, the key to defeating him is right behind this fucking door - are you going to help me or not?”

“No, I’m not!” he says, “Look, Bastila sacrificed herself so we could get away, and I won’t let that sacrifice be in vain. If you won’t come with me, then I'll shoot you and carry you out, but I’d rather not do that. Don’t force my hand.”

I can’t leave her. But I can’t leave him. I can’t -- I don’t know! I - wait, what the fuck, put me down! “I’m not waiting for you to figure it out.” This is completely degrading.

Thankfully he puts me down when we get to the ship. “Get the hyperdrive up and running, they will have deactivated it on Saul’s orders. Let me know once it’s ready,” he says, “I don’t want to be here a minute longer than we have to be.” I nod and run for the hyperdrive engine. T3 whirs along behind me.

It’s something to focus on, at least. This wasn’t a single “flick a switch” deactivation, this was by the book. Power couplings disconnected, safety caps on the ends, this is going to take a bit. I pull my communicator out of my pocket and buzz Carth. “This is going to take a couple minutes, don’t do any fancy flying.” He acknowledges me but that’s it. I don’t have time to think about that right now. He gets us out of the hangar and the battle begins. Shield grid’s in good shape. Caps off the couplings, this may sting a bit. I don’t know as much about engines as I do about droids, but the caps seem to be the same, just scaled up. If a droid’s going to be powered down for a while or could get wet - like torrential downpour wet - you’re supposed to disconnect the power couplings and put rubber caps on the end, for safety. So no one gets electrocuted or so the power flow doesn’t get corrupted, because that’s a bear to fix. And if this were a droid, I’d want to start at the bottom coupling and work my way up. The process here should be the same, too - turn the power off or reroute it, pull the caps off, reconnect, reroute it back. So I start on the lowest of the four. Reroute, caps, reconne - Carth, I said no fancy flying! Stop with the loop de loops! Reconnect, reroute. Second. Try not to lose my lunch. As if I’ve eaten much today. Third. God, Mission, hit them before they hit us! Fourth. Come on, come on… Done! “Carth, punch it!”

Hyperspace. Finally. The worst is over.

Or… maybe it’s just getting started.

[pickalilywrites]

Hey I'm sorry to hear that you were sick and have lost your voice. It sucks losing it, doesn't it? I hope you get well soon! Anyway, I know you said you wanted some fluff, but I can't really think of anything fluffy for chapter 105, so could I possibly ask for something along the lines of Gabi and Falco sneaking onto the airship, only to find Zeke casually walking and talking with the SC?

I got my voice back in time for my big presentation! It went fabulously ^^ Thank you for the request! It was very fascinating for me to write in Gabi’s point of view for once :) 

Nothing Alike

Gabi Braun. Canonverse. 

2091 words. 

Shethinks it should feel the same every time. It should be like when she had blownup those enemy tanks on the battlefield. Seeing the bodies blown to pieces, thebodies of people who deserved to die, made her swell with pride when she knowstheir demise came at her hand. Why, then, does she not feel this way now as shestares at the fallen Eldian devil that she had shot down only moments before?The other soldiers rush at her, trying to restrain her, but she fights againstthem, tugging her arms and legs away from them because she’s desperate to seethe dying soldier’s last moments.

“Letgo of me! Let go!” Gabi growls, kicking and shoving the soldiers aside as bestas she can, but they grip her tightly by the wrist, preventing her to get anycloser to their fallen comrade. She tries to see past them as best as she canand is surprised to see them mourning.

Twosoldiers are wrapping bandages around the dying woman in a futile attempt tostop the bleeding. Two other men kneel close to her, their head in their handsbecause they know there is nothing they can do to save her. The other soldiershave a mixture of expressions on their faces – rage, grief, defeat – andsomehow, they’re familiar to her. It reminds her of when she had witnessed Udobeing trampled by a crowd and Zofia crushed by that boulder, their bodiesshattered like porcelain. She remembers the absolute rage and fury she had, theoverwhelming despair she had felt at seeing her friends dead and gone in theblink of an eye.

Exceptthis isn’t the same as Zofia and Udo, Gabi thinks bitterly. Unlike thismonster, Zofia and Udo didn’t deserve to die. These people…they were borndevils and should return to the hell which they came from.

“Gabi!Gabi!” Falco cries, clinging to her.

Shehad thought that his presence would be a burden to her, that he would gethimself killed, but she’s grateful that he had followed her after all. It givesher a chance to tear her eyes away from the dying woman and look at himinstead.

“We’llbe fine,” she whispers to him, pretending she’s braver than she actually is. Intruth, she’s terrified. For all the words about a glorious, blazing end shewould meet, this isn’t what she wanted. She wanted to battle, wanted to winvictory after victory, wanted to go out in a blaze of glory but not like this.And yet it seems that an early death is to be her fate, so she grits her teethand glares at the soldiers who stare back with cold fury in their eyes.

“Let’sjust throw them off the air ship,” a man says, grabbing onto Falco and Gabi’sheads roughly. He’s ready to drag them by the hair and throw them overboard,but he looks to the squad leader – the bearded man who had been mourning hisfellow soldier – for approval first. “That would take care of them.”

Gabiis ready to fight them all. If they were going to throw her off, she would makesure to drag them down with her, have their bones shatter alongside hers asthey hit the ground, but she doesn’t have to.

Thesquad leader faces the wall of the air ship. “If you throw the children totheir deaths…,” the man says quietly, “do you think this cycle of violence andmurder will end?”

There’ssomething in the way he speaks that sends chills up Gabi’s spine. It shakes herso much she doesn’t even struggle as they tie her up. She just kneels on theground, allowing them to bind her wrists together and her arms to her body.

Surprisingly,Falco speaks even though he’s still shaking of fright. “What are you going todo with us?” he asks, his voice trembling.

Anotherman, the man with the close-shaven head who had been one of the first to rushto the woman when she had first been shot, pulls them gently to their feet.Unlike the other soldiers, he doesn’t look angry, only tired and wary. “Ourleaders will decide what to do with you,” he tells them. He doesn’t sayanything more to them after that. Even as he led them up to air ship to meetthe Paradis leaders, he never spoke.

Gabican’t stand the silence that surrounds them. It disgusts her. How can theymourn for their own kind like she had mourned her friends? Her friends wereworthy of grief and sadness. Their loss was unnecessary, unfortunate. How darethese demons grieve for that woman in the same way? She wants to make it stop,this silence, because it makes no sense to her. They don’t deserve to weep, notwhen it is this hell is their own fault.

Asthey approach the door to where the Paradis leaders are, the bearded man – theone who had been against throwing them out of the air ship – gently prods Gabitowards the door. The soft touch confuses her, enrages her, because she doesn’tunderstand why he wouldn’t just shove her roughly towards the door even aftershe had killed his comrade. Why doesn’t he push her, shove her down, spit onher like everyone had in Liberio? Even after everything she had done, why is hetreating them like this?

“Don’ttouch me!” Gabi hisses, jerking herself away from the man. She’s reacting moreviolently than she should, but she doesn’t want to be in the same place asthese people anymore. She doesn’t want to be spared by them, these heartlessmonsters that the world hates. She wants to hate them, wants them to give hermore reasons to despise them, wants to further justify her loathing. “I’ll killyou! I swear it! I’ll make you die the most excruciating, painful death!”

“Gabi!”Falco whispers, alarmed at his friend’s words when they’re in no state to makesuch threats.

Theman doesn’t say anything to her, only raises an eyebrow and turns to the silentman who had been accompanying them. “She reminds you of him, doesn’t she,Connie? That suicidal bastard.” His tone is joking, but his expression is stillsomber.

Theman named Connie says nothing. It doesn’t even seem as if he heard the otherman speak. He simply looks ahead, waiting for the squad leader to open thedoor.

“I’mnothing like any of your people,”Gabi spits. She looks up at the man, expecting her words to infuriate him, buthe only gives her a tired and sympathetic look before opening the door,revealing the people inside.

Connieenters before them, announcing the death of the soldier – her name was Sasha,Gabi discovers – and two of the other Paradis soldiers leave almostimmediately, calling out the woman’s name as if screaming it loud enough willbring her back to life.

Therest remain inside, looking at the two children warily. Behind her, Falco makesa noise as if he’s seen something surprising, but Gabi ignores him. She scansthe room instead to search for the leader. She suspects it might be the soldierwith the eyepatch, the one who comes in after they’ve arrived to ask thebearded man who they are, but everyone is turning to the man sitting at theside of the room. His hair is shaggy, and he’s dressed in civilian clothesunlike the rest of the Paradis soldiers. He even has an Eldian band around hisarm, but she doesn’t recall ever seeing him in Liberio.  

“Areyou…Eren Jaeger?” she asks hesitantly. She had imagined that the oneresponsible for all of this would appear tougher, crueler. She only sees ahollow man in front of her, one that looks through her instead of at her. Hisvacant expression reminds her of the one she saw sometimes on her cousin andshe wonders how they can be so different and yet share the same expression.

Noneof the others answer her. Falco tries to whisper her name, call her back awayfrom the man, but she ignores him and steps forward.

Finally,the man sees her, but he doesn’t seem to have heard her question. He simplyasks, “Who is this?”

“That’sGabi,” a familiar voice replies. “And the boy beside her is Falco.”

It’sonly then that she realizes that Zeke is in the room with them. He had blendedin so seamlessly with the rest of the Paradis soldiers that she hadn’t evenseen him at first. The sight of him shocks her into silence, but Falco is theone to ask the question she so desperately wants to scream.

“Whatare you doing with these people?” Falco asks. He’s quiet, trembling, confused.In a way, Gabi wishes she could be just like him – weak, vulnerable, scared.“Mr. Zeke…we thought you died back there…Was this where you were the entiretime? With Eren Jaeger and the rest of the Paradis soldiers?”

“Yes,”the Commander simply says without hesitation.

Sheexpected him to deny it, say that he had been kidnapped just like they hadbeen, but to say that he’s working with them…that’s something she can’t understand.How can he work with these monsters who have brought nothing but pain and deathwith them? How can he be their ally when all of them – the Eldian warriors, theyoung cadets, Gabi and all her friends – have been trying to prove the worldthat they aren’t the monsters they’re believed to be.

“How…howcould you do this to us?” Gabi says in disbelief. He’s setting her back – all ofthem back – for what? What could have possibly made him side with the enemy?Hasn’t it been taught ever since they were young? The Paradis Eldians were crueland heartless, monsters that shouldn’t even exist. So why…?

“Because,”Zeke replies, “we are not at all that different from one another.”

Shedoesn’t want to hear these words, especially not from him. He should know whatthey’re like. They were so terrible that the whole world looked down on them.She was treated terribly just because she shared the same blood, even thoughshe had done none nothing.

“We’renot like them,” she whispers fiercely, but she’s more hesitant now. She doesn’tsay it with the same conviction she did only moments before.

“Areyou sure about that, Gabi?” Zeke asks her.

Sheopens her mouth to say that she’s sure, that she’s never been so sure ofanything in her life, but she remembers the soldiers mourning their fallen thesame way she had mourned for her friends. She remembers going into battle andlighting the enemy tanks on fire, bringing chaos to her foes in the same wayParadis did when their soldiers dropped down onto Liberio. She remembers thesame vacant expression that Eren Jaeger has right now, the same one she’s seenher cousin wear so many times.

Butit’s what she remembers last that frightens her the most. It’s the face of thewoman she had shot down, but in this particular memory she’s alive and sittingon the top of a building looking down on Gabi. Her gun is pointed at Gabi,ready to shoot. Just when Gabi thinks the woman will pull the trigger, the soldierlowers her weapon and retreats, allowing Gabi to go free.

Therealization hurts her head and she crumples to the floor, tears beginning toleak from her eyes. She wants to say that those are all just mistakes. Thatthey’re all monsters, that she isn’t a part of this, that she and the rest ofher friends never deserved any of this, but she can only sob because she’sbeginning to realize that none of that is true. If that’s all been a lie, then isthere anything in her life that had been true?

Shehears Falco in the distance calling her name. He’s kneeling down next to her,trying to get close even though his arms are still tied behind his back. Itdoesn’t matter that he can’t comfort her anyway. Nothing he can say can makeany of this go away.

Shethought that she wanted to be the one to end all of this. Now she only wantsthis all to end.  

[imaginesofonepiece]

Hey! Could I get an angsty ace scenario with a female s/o who's like his best friend? Like he's convinced he's a monster and doesn't feel worthy of her, and he's feeling like that cos he's realised he loves her. End it however you wish darling 😉

ah yes nothing i love more than making ace angst

angst coming right up

Nights grew more unbearable for Ace.

He spent every agonizing hour tossing and turning, trying to break away from the strangling silence, but his efforts were futile. He wanted to find a way to conquer the darkness so he could enjoy the warm arms of the dream world once again, but he knew it wouldn’t happen as long as she was on his mind.

Ace didn’t want to openly admit it, but he knew his feelings had grown further than the “best friends” stage. He knew that was the case the second he began questioning his worth more often. He knew this was a mistake, developing stronger feelings for her. He knew he wasn’t worthy of loving someone like her. He had to stop himself from ruining everything.

Monster.

Ace found himself sitting up as the vicious label kept stamping itself on his mind, giving him more reasons to not sleep. Ace leaned forward and ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair, exhausted from the constant fighting he endured with his thoughts.

In no time, Ace had found himself being carried out of his cabin by his own legs, wandering over to the railing of the ship. He leaned on the weathered wood and kept his tired, dark eyes fixed on the churning water below.

I can’t fall in love with her. Who falls in love with a monster, anyway?

He heaved a heavy sigh.

“Ace?”

Ace jumped a bit, completely caught off guard by the sudden presence behind him. Of course, he knew exactly who it was. A tight knot formed in his chest as he turned around to meet her concerned eyes.

“You’re still awake?” He asked.

“Only because you are,” she responded, folding her arms over her chest. She tipped her head slightly, getting a good look at him. He could tell she was about to start digging, and he knew he wasn’t emotionally prepared for that. As much as he wanted her care and attention, he knew he had to push her away before anything else happened.

“Go back to sleep. God knows how you get when you don’t get enough sleep,” he commented and turned back around, resuming his initial position. It wasn’t a surprise when she didn’t budge.

“Ace, what’s going on with you?” she asked.

Ace shrugged his shoulders, his back turned to her. He was afraid to look her in the eyes at this point; there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that he’d end up spilling.

“Nothing’s going on with me,” was all Ace said.

Naturally, she didn’t take the bait. She had always been damn good at stuff like this.

“Don’t play games, Ace. I’m your best friend, and I know when things are off with you. You’ve been acting all weird for the past few days, distancing yourself and such. Marco’s the one that told me you always wander the deck late at night.” Her voice was stern and Ace could picture the small frown on her lips. Then, he heard a small, stressed sigh come from her. Her voice softened.

“I’m worried about you, Ace. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

The two stood in silence for a few moments as the water below them lapped against the ship. The soft sea breeze drifted across the deck, gently blowing across Ace’s face.

This silence was even more vicious than the one in his cabin. There was a bomb of truth and emotions waiting to explode, and it was going to harm both participants of the conversation when it finally detonated.

Ace wanted to keep everything to himself, but as the silence continued, the more he realized how horrible he felt for making her worry. Someone as incredible as her didn’t deserve to waste her time worrying over someone like him.

“Why do you like me?” Ace quietly asked, finally breaking the silence. His back was still turned to her, but he could sense her confusion.

“Ace, what…what are you talking about? I like you because you’re a genuine person. All you do is go around and care about everyone. It’s like it’s your duty to bring smiles to everyone’s faces. You go out of your way to make sure we’re all having good days. You care.” The floorboards shifted as she occupied the space next to him, leaning on the railing. She placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch.

“Ace, really, you’re worrying me.”

“I don’t understand how you could actually like someone like me. Can’t you tell that all I am is a monster?”

He didn’t bring his eyes to meet hers.

She opened her mouth to argue against the statement, but Ace was quick and continued on.

“I don’t deserve you. I really don’t. You’re too…too perfect for the likes of me, dammit!” He brought his hands up to his hair and raked his hands through it once again. “The more I spend time with you, you give me more reasons to fall in love with you, and I can’t have that happen!” He felt tears begin to prick at his eyes, and he wasn’t planning on letting her see that. He hung his head lower so that strands of his dark hair covered his eyes. His heart was racing, completely unstable from the confession he had just tossed into the night without hesitation. Ace’s normally warm body began to ache with a chill.

“I don’t deserve you. All I am is a wreck and a monster, and if-”

“Ace, stop!” She interrupted him. The sudden interjection caused Ace to look at her. His heart almost broke when he saw the tears streaming down her own face.

“Stop calling yourself a monster! You’re not!”

She backed up from the railing and pulled Ace with her. She spun him around so that they were facing each other and firmly placed her hands on his shoulders.

“Listen to me, I don’t care what people have told you in the past. You are nowhere close to being a monster, and you will never be anything close to a monster. Do you understand?”

Ace’s eyes drifted to the floor as he felt a warm tear slide down one of his cheeks. He was too ashamed to be able to look her in the eyes. When Ace didn’t respond, she then cupped the sides of his face and directed his attention back to her.

��Ace, you deserve to know this.”

Her eyes bore into his own. There was such an fierce intensity behind her gaze, and for a second, it intimidated the freckled man. His heart began to race again as he anticipated what words could come out of her mouth.

“I love you.”

The revelation seemed to freeze time completely. As soon as those three words were thrown out into the open, everything within Ace’s head had shattered. The stranglehold his thoughts had on him completely vanished.

He opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t form the proper words. Seeing Ace in this state, she continued to talk.

“I fell in love with you because you’re Ace. Fire Fist Ace, the complete goofball who would kill to make everyone in his life happy. Ace, the dumbass who forgets that he’s a fire human and sets fires by mistake. I could go on with this, y'know. You deserve love, Ace. I love you.”

Ace stood there, completely dumfounded by the entire situation. He didn’t even realize how quickly his tears were falling until he brought a hand up to rub his eye. She dropped her hands from his face and gave him a genuine smile, the kind that always made his heart skip a beat.

“The only thing monstrous about you is your strength, I hope you’ll realize that now,” she added with a small laugh.

This time, it was Ace who cupped her face. He stared at her in silence for a few moments. He had never felt this grateful or worthy in his entire life and all of these feelings were brought to him thanks to her. Never in a million years would he expect for someone like her to reciprocate the feelings he had developed.

Without another moment of thought, Ace leaned forward and kissed her.