#that feels like kind of a scary tag and maybe i should use the acronym i will decide later

[wolfieworld]

4/6 Diary: Dead Projects

it's hard to acknowledge why something isn't working when you're in the middle of it, sometimes it's hard to even know why. There's a few plots that have been in my brain for years that I've rewritten and rewritten and rewritten with little success. I think a big part of failed projects is actually over-estimating ones own capabilities, for example I plan out mechanics that I don't have the experience to achieve, or characterization too far from my own experience that its not fun to write. I often plan out stories that require a lot of research and I feel like I can't write until I know everything-therefore most writing doesn't get done and what does is full of holes. It's kind of embarrassing to look back at stuff and just think "I didn't know what I was talking about at all."

Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. In the words of Pretty Boy Detective Club giving up on a dream can be more beautiful than achieving the dream itself.

Probably 90% of everything I try doesn't work out and it's been on my mind lately that that's a good thing. Of course in an ideal world we learn from finished works bc there are things from those you can only learn by sharing with others and by wrapping up a story and by saying goodbye to your characters but there isn't such a thing as an ideal world and everything we do we learn from whether other people see it or not. There is something special you learn from unfinished projects, the types you choose to put down forever, which is you are forced to acknowledge precisely why it could not get done.

These are all images from 2 retired vn/comic projects.

These projects are prisons for some of my best and worst writing, full of ideas with no through-line or real objective, and no real thorough understanding of these characters who I loved just collections of feelings and images and facts I thought were cool.

What is improvement? I'm not a person who looks at my old art and feels like I've gotten better at drawing, and when I look back at old writing I only really get the sense that I've become less cringe but not become a better writer. I think improvement is more esoteric than becoming better at the skills you use to express, maybe it's just knowing yourself better and playing to your strengths, and crystalizing what you want to say (or finding it in the first place). Aesthetics form naturally from writing and drawings that plainly express what they need too and they are drawn like blood from stone from work that is trying its hardest to be clever.

Personally I find these digital pages from 2020(21?) to be better drawings than anything I've done in the last two years in a technical way but it doesn't matter, I couldn't finish it, and I didn't know the characters. It's just portfolio work, it took me months to do five of them. They're just "cool shots" even though I didn't know it at the time.

As I get further into working on Youth Who Was Killed I'm noticing that cutting corners produces better results, there's more emotion in sketches so why finish a drawing, why design a logo which I'm not good at when I can use a font, why color grade the images myself when limiting the palette to one or two or three colors provides an unmuddied result? This is the kind of laziness you would think would harm 'improvement' but I've found that too much brute force is a highway to burn out, and then you're not learning anything at all.

Making art is a war against human nature I think, cavemen definitely weren't built too instinctually develop a five year plan every new years. However it becomes like less of a war when you work with your nature rather than against it. Maybe. I don't know. I really hope I don't make a blog post two years from now about why I couldn't finish YWWK. If that happens blame ren'py.

i drew my ocs in funny t shirts for the first time in my life so maybe all that stuff i said about improvement being that you become less cringe is untrue, maybe you get more cringe. thats ok with me i guess.