#that feeling itself is a blessing tbh and notnalways matched to reality

[softness-and-shattering]

Reminder/PSA that healing from trauma can look like laziness, like low effort, like holiday, even.

Its taking time to rest, relax, be slow, do fun enjoyable things. Ivr had a good few days for healing, and Ive been reading a book, sitting outside, doing some stretches, chilling/parallel playing with my partner (like cats, when being im each others vicinity counts as hanging out, thats parallel play).

I also did a little housework; I folded some laundry, washed a towel a cat mightve peed on, washed a corner of the bathroom floor thats been bothering me for months. Not nothing, but not super intense and I didnt push myself much.

And I played a lot of Stardew Valley, some Hades (still havent beaten 32 heat but I did almost get to Hades stage 2; I thought Id taken off that final extreme measures but alas). I had a drs appointment.

It was a good mix of fun, responsibilities to keep things moving, and a bunch of just existing, pausing, breathing, enjoying existing and letting myself stay in that moment instead of bustling off to the next Activity.

I even did some art that I intended to be experimental/practice, but i loved it so much Ive put it up on the wall. I feel like Im in a good groove.

And I still have a voice in my head saying Im lazy, Im irresponsible, I have a bad work ethic. Nah I have a great work ethic. My job is to heal and to manage my health and energy as best I can. Yeah it feels a bit like Im on holiday, no stress no worries because Im getting quite practised at staying clear of my limits so i dont fall off them. And that means Im doing this right. Im feeling comfortable. Im feeling safe.

If I pushed myself could I get things done faster and more efficiently? Mmm. Other people could. Still thinking about my therapist, "is it slow, or is this just the time that it takes?". Its just taking me time. I cant book an appointment for every day of the week and get on top of everything all at once, if I could do that I might be able to work a job, I wouldnt be nearly so disabled. So I am. And I hope this gentleness will let me increase my capacity, in howrver much time that takes, but even if it doesnt, living in stress and misery is worse, and it makes my capacity and health worse. So Im gonna keep going slow, and as relaxed as I can while managing life as best I can because I have increasing evidence that this works. And the stress route leads to burnout.

I mean Ive been staring at that gross bathroom corner for months, and today when Im chilling, I have the mental space and energy available to actually take those steps. Its good. Its how healing happens. Slow. Ideally slow and steady but not always steady. Not always linear.