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jannepaule · 5 years ago

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In Retrospect: Black Holes and Dark Days

I’ve been working on this for several weeks, trying to revise it to a much retrospective version. The first draft of this post was dated July 27, 2017— according to my trusty notepad app with 2500 words.

Between 2011 to 2015 were some of my darkest days and to some extent— 2017 the year I wrote the first version of this piece.

Fair Warning: Long Post Ahead.

I was in a bad place during that time but here it goes.

The “D” Word

I've read stories from real people about it. I've heard number of spoken word pieces about it. I've seen countless of articles about it in this wild wicked world of social media. I've seen people who turned it into art.

I was never clinically diagnosed so I have no the right to call my case depression. More importantly, it is something no one should casually throw around to describe whenever you are feeling down.

A lesson I learned is that people should stop using disorders as adjectives. It's unhealthy and destructive.

I am generally an ‘okay’ person but I've had my dark days.

It started after graduation when my high school boyfriend and I broke up. It's silly to admit that even now. I mean who gets depressed over a teenage break-up? People move on and get over it. I did.

However, for a long time I refused to deal with the pain. I thought having a strong facade by not admitting that it hurts and not crying is a sign of strength, it was otherwise. And it does more harm than help in the long run.

Later on I realized that maybe this reaction (or lack thereof) towards a painful experience was an accumulation of all the times I suppressed my emotions.

That's what happened when you grow up in a family that doesn't openly talk about feelings, that a more common response to hurt is anger.

Years of practice of tricking myself not to feel, I developed an automatic blocking system against anything that could potentially hurt. Every negative thought and emotion was boxed and pushed towards deepest part of my head hoping I'd never have to deal with them.

But as Sigmund Freud once said (or written),

"unexpressed emotions will never die they are buried alive and will later come in uglier ways"

And boy it was ugly. It wasn't a 2 AM kind of demon. It haunts you in broad daylight and attack you with ice bullets. If it was anxiety or panic attacks or some sort of condition, I've no idea. And it was all my fault.

Theater Days

I only figured out that something was seriously wrong with me when I joined a theater organization during my college freshman year.

Thespians are the most passionate and most emotional people I've ever known while I stand on the other side, feeling nothing. None. I was empty. There were lots of emotional exercises and scenes from plays that would’ve helped me, but I couldn’t even cry.

I was miserable.

There were days when I literally felt nothing. I laughed and I knew I was happy but I couldn't feel it in my heart. I watched very emotional movies like Miracle in Cell No. 7 and there were scenes that any normal person would be bawling already, but I didn't. My system could not process the feeling.

Detachment was a mean defense mechanism. It suppresses not just the pain but everything else. It leaves you with hollow feeling on your chest.

My Heart and Other Black Holes

There were days when I'd cry for no reason. One moment I was in pain then in one snap-- gone. I feel nothing again.

Other times, I felt like I was being drained, sucking life out of me as I spiral down uncontrollably into an unknown bottom. You know the vacuum sensation? It was terrible. I literally had to catch my breath.

I called it my "black hole episodes". There were black holes residing inside of me for a long time and I didn't know what to do with it.

An incident back when I was doing my internship in a radio station in 2014 was one of the worst episodes. I ended up crying for an hour or two at the HR's office. The HR manager who happened to be some sort of counselor asked me what was wrong and I could have told her everything, she was a shrink anyway. But I couldn't even get my mind straight so much more my feelings. The memory of that afternoon was blurry.

All I remember is her telling me to try talking to someone openly and honestly.

I knew I needed professional help but shrinks are way too expensive. And honestly, I was more scared to find out that it was just all in my head than to know what sort of medical condition I was in.

I wanted to disappear sometimes, amidst all the numbness and emptiness. It’s like being trapped in oblivion.

I wanted to disappear but I still hoped that someone would find me and pull me out of that dark place but I didn't know how to ask for help.

Flash forward to 2015

Before I started dating a guy from my first job after college, I had one major episode that worried the shit out of my him and my friends. So I told him about my blackholes and finally, I felt like someone is willing to listen. Even when I couldn't explain the things going on inside my head he just listened, patiently.

The thick walls I built around myself started crumbling down. The flood gates of my heart opened and somehow, I felt lighter each day. I started feeling genuinely happy again. That shrink from the radio station was right after all. I just needed someone to talk to.

We had a brief time together but I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. It was batshit crazy, but I felt every tiny bit of it. The blackholes are gone but so he is.

I was devastated and hurting everywhere literally and figuratively but I allowed myself to feel the pain, to cry all I want, and to mourn for as long as I needed to. I was drowning but that time I didn't feel empty. I still thought of skipping all of those excruciating times but thank God, someone a.k.a my favorite team leader sat me down ane told me this:

“You know better than anyone why you need to go through this. You are so much braver and stronger than what you give yourself credit for,”

Looking back, it was the bravest time of my life. I confronted all my fears of feeling pain. For the first time, I didn't run away from it. I nursed my wounded heart like a normal person.

I was blessed with people who were my guiding light through that journey.

I’ve moved on and no longer in love with that person, in case you’re wondering.

The Bad Bitch of a Black Hole is Back

2017 was another awful cruel year. I had a relapse after trying so hard to be okay for so long. Bad case of rejections, job being terribly toxic, and my whole life was a mess. The blackholes came back, just dressed up as adult problems. My life was falling apart AGAIN and I was lost. I couldn’t focus.

I watched my plans fail and slip away from my fingers and did nothing to stop it. 2017 was so much worse because even if I wanted to run away, I didn't have the energy and will power to do it.

I needed help. I don’t know how but I was sure as hell that I didn’t want to go back in that shithole ever again. I thought writing would help me get it out of my system, it did. I talked to some friends, subscribed to an online life coach for advice, and learned to practice mindfulness via Headspace app. I prayed so hard to make it all go away.

I honestly still couldn’t remember how I did all those things and managed to pull myself out of that dark place. My best guess? Divine intervention. Thank God and all the angels for not letting me get swallowed by darkness.

I look back and see how far I’ve come. It was a long tiring personal battle I had to brave through to be in a better place where I am today. No more blackhole episodes since 2017 and if ever the bitch decides to show up again, I know I would make it out alive like I always do. Hopefully, it wouldn’t.

Communicating my feelings is still a struggle up to this day but knowing how to acknowledge them is always the first step. Still growing and learning to cope up with all the things life is throwing at me. The process of healing is long, painful, sometimes boring and questionable but I don’t think I would ever do it otherwise.

Being able to write this in retrospect is a milestone worth-celebrating. A long dark chapter of my life was over. I am grateful.

Thank you for reaching this part, dear stranger. This is probably the only time I will ever share about this. I hope you know that this is a personal experience and does not mean to say that you need to get your heart broken to get over a dark phase in your life. We all have different ways to process experiences.

I hope you find the courage to ask for help from the people you trust and professionally, if you must.

I pray that if you’re going through dark times, may you always believe that there is a light that never goes out.

Sincerely, J. 🖤

#personal #non fiction

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classycollectorartisanposts-blog · 6 years ago

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I spoke to a representative of the car insurance from California and she said that it was fine. And that she had many clients from all over the nation. Does anyone know more about this? Thanks!

How does the car insurance differ between this vehicles?

I'm about to be 18 and am in the market for a used car. I currently drive an '05 Chevy Colorado and am paying maybe a little less than $80 per month. I'm looking at the BMW 3 series ('06-'08), Acura TL ('07-'08), Honda Accord Coupe ('08-'10), and the Acura TSX ('08-'09). Just wondering how much this would bump my insurance rate up and which would be the most practical as far as insurance goes. I have no wrecks or tickets on my record.""

Car insurance Premium?

(I have only had car insurance for about 6 months, so I am still pretty new to this). My question was that my 6 month renewal policy states that my premium is $728.86; however, when I first got with this company, I paid around $368 down because I am in that age bracket where they stereotype you as a bad driver. Will I have to pay the $368 again along with monthly payments of $66.60? Or will I just continue to pay my monthly payment as it is?""

Estimated insurance on 2007 alfa romeo 147 1.6?

hey just need a estimated quote on above car. Its insurance group 11, I am 18 and this is my first car. I am willing to do whatever is needed to get the quote down I just need a estimate prehaps from past experiences? Thanks in advance for any answers.""

What Car insurance is the best and cheapest?

First time car buyer, 23 years old, interested in Honda Civic. What Insurance would be the best and cheapest with this information?""

Life and Health Insurance Exam- I have taken it like 5 times and not been able to pass it?

I have been doing this online course license2go.com, and it has a lot of good information but it seems like on the test, there is a lot of stuff I didn't ever see when taking the test. Is there any alternative way to getting a license? Like online? If not, what are some other good ways to study for it? Thanks""

""Car insurance, if I sell my old car and buy a new one with bigger engine can I put this on my insurance.?""

Im thinking of buying a rover mini soon but the only problem is the engine size, as a 1.3 this is bigger than the current car registered on the insurance and I was wondering if it would be possible to change it. I expect there to be a charge for changing the insurance but would there be a rise to the insurance quote itself or isn't this possible at all.""

Can I cancel my fathers car insurance?

He went on a business trip and it was supposed to be for 2 months but it turned out they wanted him to stay a couple months longer. He told me to cancel his insurance so If I return the plates to the DMV in NY with the receipt can I cancel his insurance?

Auto insurance..??

I'm trying to get just PL&PD, and the insurance websites are really hard for me to understand at the moment... I'm 19, just got my license, no experience on the road good or bad, good grades, and my car is a '96 Ford Taurus... about how much will my insurance be?? just a guess is what I want, and also if you have what company you got your estimate from, that would be really nice. Thanks :)""

Can a car insurance company raise your rates for an accident that wasn't your fault?

OK, I recently switched car insurance companies because the quote they gave me over the phone was lower than what I was paying before. I told them honestly about all the tickets I had in the past 5 years. But in the mail today, I find that they are charging me an extra $20 per month because of an accident that WASN'T MY FAULT. I was rear-ended and not cited. Is this legal?""

Health insurance?????????????????????...

should government help on health insurance? y or y not?

renters insurance quotes mn

Cheap goods in transit van insurance?

anyone know of any budget goods in transit insurance?

About car insurance and the laws on it?

i just want to know if a car is insured but the driver of that car is not in the policy .. do i still get ticketed for not having the car insured? I don't know if i'm making sense.but let me explain .my car is insured fully covered but my daughter was driving it and got stopped by the police.and he claimed that my car was not insured. i called my insurance carrier and was told that it was because my daughter was not on the policy. I always assumed that as long as the car was insured it did nt matter who drove it. provided an accident was not involved. please help me on this. as soon as possible

Who has the best car insurance in NJ?

Does State Farm homeowners insurace typically cover foundation damage?

I have a big water leak in the basement. Water is leaking from between the flooring and the walls. The house is about 75 years old. Do homeowners policies usually cover fondation damage? I can't find my policy to look. I'd like to have a general knowlegde before I call them during the work week. Thanks!

Including Teen on Auto Insurance?

Is it okay for a parent to get it insured under their name, and not include the child's name so the cost is lower?""

Which auto insurance companies in California offer auto insurance for international driving license?

I already called a few but they tell me there don't offer auto insurance for someone w/ IDL

Question:How much does it cost to get a cheap but decent car and for insurance?

I really need to know how much money insurance would be for a car if you have a new license and how much for a decent used car that won't break down on you and what coverage would you have if if it did break down?Also, gas is pricey but i know a lot of people i've seen who are poor and are able to afford this all but how?I don't want to prostitute that is disgusting and violating to me but ineed some extra money,suggestions on how to get it in a respectful way??Can you buy a car without a license and how long do you have to register it i'm clueless about cars and need to know more!!!!""

3.0 GPA car insurance discount?

I applied for the discount during high school, back then my gpa was 4.2 so it was more than fine. Now I fked up my college life and only have a 2.9, so would they require me to submit the GPA again? or if I continued using their car insurance, they won't ask?""

""Trying to save on car insurance, who should I go with?""

Currently I pay $122.00 for car insurance with State Farm. This is going to go up I am sure since I moved back to a larger city and when I lived here before I was paying a lot more. That is two cars, a 2008 Dodge 4 Door and a 2002 Focus all full coverage 100,000/300,000 Limits with a $500 deductibles you get the idea. Oh and I also have renters for about 10 bucks a month.... okay so I just was quoted by Gieco with lower deductibles, from the more expensive city and I was quoted at about $68 (without the renters) Thoughts on the matter, is this possible should I make the switch? Is $68 too low for two cars and are they baiting me and will they get me later with the higher rates?""

Road trip without car insurance?

So my girlfriend and I want to go to Las Vegas with some friends. We don't have a car, but it friends does, however, he doesn't have car insurance. Would it still be ok to go? Why or why not? Well be traveling from SLC.""

Does a parking ticket effect my insurance rate?

I got a $25 ticket for parking in a illegal spot. I have the option to plead not guilty or pay the fee (I even have the option to pay online to avoid the crowd). My only concern is, when I pay for this penalty will it effect my insurance rate?""

How do I offer Shipping Insurance on eBay?

I am selling a NASCAR Daytona 500 Ticket Stub. I don't know where the option is to add Shipping Insurance. Please tell me how to add it. Any help would be appreciated, thanks!""

Car Insurance HELP ?!?!?

A couple weeks ago I was involved in an accident which was not my fault. The claim adjuster figured that it would cost 10k to fix my 03' VW Passat. The insurance ended up totaling the car because it cost more to fix it then it was worth. I was not finish making payments on the car. I was wondering if it's true that the insurance company will give me money to purcahse a new car even the last car was not finished in payments.

Car insurance for 17 year old in Texas?

hi im 17 years old and i'm getting my car. i was wondering the cost of the insurance (i've heard it's really expensive[just wanted to verify] ) can anyone give me a good estimate?

USAA insurance rates from traffic ticket?

I received a traffic ticket for following too closely and was clocked at 17mph going through town. The car in front of me had pulled away from the stoplight and was clearly not interested in speeding up, so I had to speed up some to signal into the adjoining lane to pass him. This was during rush hour, so traffic was pretty heavy. The cop pulled me over and cited me for following too closely which carries a $115 fine. He asked me why I thought he pulled me over, and I honestly had no idea what I did wrong. Unfortunately, he would not concede to a simple warning and cited me anyway. I also received a ticket about 11 months ago for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign before turning. USAA did not increase my rates from this ticket, but I am concerned that they might increase my rates if they find out about the latest ticket. Should I plead not guilty and have a trial date set to fight this, or just pay the fine and pray that USAA doesn't pick it up? Does anyone else have experience with two minor traffic violations within one year and USAA auto rates?""

Am I eligible for the good student discount for auto insurance if I'm a part-time student?

I have the grades (3.0+), but I'm not a part-time student. I live in California, am I still eligible for the good student discount?""

""Car Insurance / Mother or Father as First Driver, me as Second?""

I'm trying to sort out car insurance, but the problem is, is that it is very high, Ive never done this before as Im a first time driver, but a lot of people have told me to put my parents as primary drivers and me as secondary, how do I do this? I really have no idea, thank you I'm using gocompare.com but how do I enter my parents in and then as secondary, thank you very much""

What does full coverage auto insurance include?

is collision and comprehensive required for full coverage? what about underinsured motorist insurance? i need to know everything full coverage includes because im buying my first car.

""Can we hit it out?(16 yr old, 20yr old guy)?""

and before you go saying I have no right being with someone that age and that I'll make a huge mistake; Im virgin. Im saving myself for marriage and I even got a purity ring. I know some of the tricks in the book(like the one where the older guy tricks the younger girl into thinking shes inlove to get in her pants and ect.) so Im no fool, my mom taught me better than that. But Im gonna flirt with him, he's really cool(he's a sk8er boi) and he's so short and his face looks so young that if you didnt know any better you'd swear he's like 17 or something. now once again, Im not stupid enough to have sex with him; I respect myself and body to much to let myself go like that, the only guy getting is this is the one on one knee with a diamond ring. Additional Details oh and ps. he does like me. he said once that my boyfriend better watch out, he's got a cute girlfriend. Someone might take her. and when he washes his car when Im outside he purposley takes off his shirt as if Im not watching him.""

How much is car insurance per month for a 19 yr old? estimated?

Looking for an insurance company to insure me using VIN/chassis number?

I have bought a beeline Veloce GT50 49cc scooter (still in shop till insured) i cant get plates on it until i give them my insurance documents but im finding it hard to get an insurer to insure me online using the VIN Number / Chassis Number. so im stuck in a loop. no bike untill insurance is had and no insurance untill licence plate number is inserted onto online forms. This is for uk provisional so no answers from outside of uk please. thanks

Does your car insurance go up if you had an accident falling asleep at the wheel?

I just had an accident where I fell asleep at the wheel and ran into a cement barrier, thank god no one was hurt and there was no destruction to public property, the cement barrier was just dandy. But I wanted to know if your insurance rate goes up if something like this happens. Aside from this I'm a good driver and the only other accident I had involved a drunk driver hitting my car.""

Is no fault insurance the cheapest coverage possible.?

I don't get it my dads insurance agent told him no fault is the least amount of money paid to the insurerer that why he got me no fault but when I look it up on the Internet they say it's expensive. Can someone tell me if no fault is cheaper than collision, comprehensive, or the other types of insurance coverage. Also I live in Michigan and I'm 19 if any of that matters.""

Will the check from the auto insurance company be in my name or my mom's?

under name of insured it has my mom's name and my name. the car is in my name. I hit a car and the insurance company is sending a check for the repair costs after the deductible. will the check be in my name or my mom's name??

What car and insurance?

hi can anyone help my daughter wants a car she likes the fiat punto td sx i think it is and the vauxhall corsa merit and the citroen saxo and the ford ka and fiesta what is the best car for a first time car and what has the most cheap insurance as it would be a provisional licsence ? and what website has the most cheap insurance? if anybody has any idears for any other cars like these please help also is auto trader any good? thanks any Question plz ask

renters insurance quotes mn

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/westminster-colorado-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-80030-carter/"

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